An Incomplete Education - 3,684 Things You Should Have Learned but Probably Didn't

focusing on the distinct "figure" or problem that'
One step beyond the POPer, the Gestalt therapist
will touch as well as talk to you, and may invite yo
not be allowed to sit back and retell your favorite st
Rather, you will be interrupted after every few wor
are you smiling as you describe your father's funera

When you try to answer, you'll likely be interrup
in the Here and Now. Gestalters don't want you to
brain. Instead they provide props on which to act
include stuffed animals, pillows, and empty chairs t
people, other situations, or your other selves. T
scratched, or pummeled without fear of retaliation.
out the ex-lover you have imaginatively placed in th
is giving you lots of feedback on what all three of y

Gestalt may be experienced one-on-one or in a
week. Like psychoanalysis and POP, its goal is to
ing "sick" patterns of behavior, get rid of emotional
sibility" for his life. Additionally, Gestalt aims to
regard to which the therapist serves not only as
quently, a Gestalt shrink can be expected to be war
the ball, and persuaded of everyone's inherent abili
may forget such basic skills as where to cross the str
with luck you'll learn to be completely Here Now.

Feeling tense with confusion (or disapproval), s
or suffering stomach aches? Then maybe bioe
and/or biofeedback is for you. These therapies focu
on the Where and When or the Here and Now, bu
nipulating physiology to change emotional pattern

Bioenergetics owes its beginnings to Wilhelm R
other Freud dropout, who had begun to work on "
armor" and the "energy economy of the body" in th
The goal of bioenergetics (as well as of such Reich-in
therapies as Rolling and the Alexander technique) i
this armor, deepen the patient's breathing, and re
"life force"; the latter entails getting in as many or
possible. Sessions take place once or twice a week,
volving special dress and/or undress as well as
patient-therapist interaction. The patient perform
exercises; the therapist questions, comments, an
physical adjustments designed to "break through"
block" energy. The exercise might be pounding a
with a tennis racket (to unleash feelings of rage) or

PSYCHOLOGY

's bothering you Right Now.
t will find out your nickname,
ou out for coffee later. You will
tories of trial or abandonment.
ds with a question like: "Why
al?"
pted again by a warning to stay
o mess things up by using your
out your feelings. These may
to serve as substitutes for other
hese objects can be stroked,
. And while you are punching
he empty chair, your therapist
you, him included, are feeling.
a group, one or more times a
make the patient stop repeat­
l "garbage," and "take respon­

facilitate "fuller living," with
guide but as model. Conse­
rm, open, caring, sensually on
ity to "grow and change." You
reet and how to eat lobster, but

sweating,
energetics
us neither
ut on ma­
ns.
Reich, an­
"character
he 1940s.
nfluenced
is to relax
elease his
rgasms as
often in­
intensive
ms special
nd makes
and "un­
mattress
r draping

458 AN I N C O M P L E T E

B. F Skinner oneself (stomach up) over a p
pressed pelvic cravings). Patien
or hiccup in order to specify t
They may also talk.

In biofeedback, they often
have discussed the offending
faced with a date, heading fo
patient is hooked up to mo
quantifiable—and visual—ter
pleasant things, the dial swin
relaxation techniques, the dial
to ignore the details of the an
ting the salient physiological p
activity) back to normal. Whe
biofeedback teaches its "contro
tion of being among the shorte
no audience, there is little ince
not recommended for anybod
choices, it is said to do wonde

Behav
in the
the V
Ivan P
might
who e
enviro
that a
can fix
low a
you ca
ferenc
tion y
a beh
obses
proble
lieves,
with n
media

You
ing bridges? Cracks in the sid
then reeducate you. Want to s

E EDUCATION

padded stool and panting (to get in touch with sup­
nts are required to sing, sigh, hum, laugh, cry, shout,
he kind of energy they are releasing at the moment.

do not talk at all. Once the therapist and patient
physiological problem (breaking out in hives when
or the washroom when asked a direct question), the
onitoring machines which translate agitation into
rms. If the patient is suddenly forced to think of un­
ngs to the right; as the patient employs biofeedback
l returns to the safe, low readings. The patient is told
nxiety-provoking situation and simply work on get­
process (blood-vessel, sweat-gland, or stomach-acid
ereas bioenergetics teaches the "release" of tension,
ol." Usually practiced once a week, it has the distinc­
est-term therapies (six months on the average). With
entive for the patient to procrastinate, and while it is
dy trying to decide among ice-cream flavors or career
ers for migraines.

vior therapy is the only major form of psychotherapy
e United States to have developed independently of
Viennese analysts. It draws pardy on the work of
Pavlov, whose experiments with dogs and drooling
t ring a bell, pardy on the work of B . F. Skinner,
examined the cause-and-effect relationship between
onment and behavior. Starting from the proposition
all behavior is learned, behaviorists believe that they
x anything that's wrong with you, provided you fol­

special regimen. Such a therapist doesn't care what
all each other. H e also has little or no use for "trans­
ce" or "energy" or, as far as that goes, any explana­
you might offer for your difficulties. According to
haviorist, neurotic symptoms—especially phobias,
sions, compulsions, and a wide range of sexual
ems—are simply learned bad habits. His job, he be­
, is to help you unlearn them and to replace them
new, more productive patterns. And he wants im-
ate results.
u have trouble riding elevators or airplanes? Cross­
dewalk? N o problem: First they'll "desensitize" you,
stop choosing psychopaths for friends? Lose weight?

Start jogging? The behaviorists have a system, a s
clearly defined "goals," and all the assurance in the

Behavior therapy has an infinite variety of appli
ners learn how to express, and reinforce, what e
sertiveness training, you may be taught to walk int
glass of water without ordering so much as a corn
to do reading, keep a journal of your homework a
quences, and, most of all, behave the way the therap
should. How you feel at the moment doesn't matter;
changing the way you act does. But, because of th
tend to dovetail, you're expected to start feeling bet

A variant of behavior therapy is cognitive therapy
modify isn't so much behavior as thought and atti
(six weeks to three months) treatment developed b
sity of Pennsylvania, it's based on the premise that
(and the linguistic structures that underlie them) g
psychological disturbances. In Beck's view, a dep
through a process of distortion and exaggeration, h
resulting thoughts (e.g., that he has nothing to
lowest of the low) have become automatic and
the person aware of the automatic—and ultimatel
"cognitions."

Doubtless you're longing to retreat to a discussio
such as Art or maybe the Politics of Philosophy. Fin
there's no such thing asfamily therapy, in which who
to be scrutinized, sometimes videotaped and the
dance, video, and biblio therapies, in which painting
TV, and reading books, respectively, serve as the
emotion.

Probably, too, you'll want to skip such retro fash
which involves figuring out what kinds of "scripts"
and primal scream therapy, in which large numbers
mattresses and throw themselves against padded
American tradition of self-betterment, the problem
trial world, and the pragmatic idealism that has in
openers, taller basketball players, and more amen
And, during working hours, anyway, do your best t

PSYCHOLOGY 459

et of homework assignments,
world that you can do it.
ications. In sex therapy, part­
each finds pleasurable; in a s -
to a coffee shop and ask for a
muffin. You will be expected
assignments and their conse­
pist and you have decided you
; whether you've succeeded in
he way feelings and behavior
tter, too.
y, although what it sets out to
itude. A relatively short-term
by Aaron Beck of the Univer­
t a person's thought processes
go a long way in determining
pressed person, for instance,
as misinterpreted reality. T h e
offer anybody, that he's the
entrenched. Solution: Make
ly the invalid—nature of his

on of some less messy subject,
ne, but don't think that means
ole families allow their actions
en rearranged. Or art, music,
g, singing, dancing, watching
catalysts for the releasing of

hions as transactional analysis,
" you might be "buying into,"
s of screamers congregate on
walls. Instead, focus on the
m of moving into a postindus-

the past produced better can
ndments to the Constitution.

o keep the lid on.

CHAP

TER

TEN

Contents

it

Those Old-Time Religions: Divine to Some, Me
Others 462

The Good Book as Good Read 478

ù 480
The Good Book as Good Business

d

c ^ Bible Baedeker: A Mercifully Brief Who- What-a
Land 484

h

Seven People Not to Bother Sharing Your Old G
With: Five Are Germanic Protestants Who Won
Austrian Jew Who's Already Been Struck by It H
Catholic Who Might Just Try to Get You to Publ

Frontispiece Book I ofMilton's Paradise L o s t (seepage

erely Fabulous to

and- Where Guide to the Holy
God-Spelled-Backward Insight
nt Think It's Funny, One's an
Himself and One's a French
lish Your Findings 494

190), 4th edition, 1688

462 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Those Ol

DIVINE TO SO

Have you ever noticed ho
a new lease on life at ab
for midlife crisis? Buddha, Jes
were hovering around thirty,
where people start begetting a
first chatted with the Angel
bloomer. So to those of you
here, that the monotheisms
leave you cold; that you can't r
Holy Trinity, or separate dis
pressed and alienated as ever,
on the heavens.

E EDUCATION

ld-Time Religions

OME, MERELY FABULOUS
TO OTHERS

ow prophetic revelation seems to give some people
bout the same time others their age are gearing up
sus, and Zoroaster all got the Message when they

a birthday that signals middle age in any culture
as teenagers. True, Muhammad was forty when he
l Gabriel, but then Islam as a whole was a late
who find, after scanning the great faiths outlined
of the West and the polytheisms of the East all
really get behind karma, nirvana, yin and yang, the
shware for meat and dairy; and that you're as de­
, our advice is: Stay loose and keep your eyes fixed

JUDAISM

14 million believers, mostly in Israel and

It's c. 1700 B.C.E. (Before the Common Era, a desi
tating to Jews than the Christian B.C., Before Chr
divinities of the moon, sun, stars, trees, and irrigati
lestial dog-and-pony acts. Enter, below, a Sumeria
sists that there's only one G o d and all the rest are
orders from this God, whose name is Yahweh (but f
loud), Abraham has packed up his kin and his kitc
the Promised Land, on the other side of the Euphr
tourage the name "Hebrews" (from an ancient wo
and establishing an exhausting pattern of Jewish m
for the next four thousand years. Pleased with Abra
salt-of-the-earth comportment, Yahweh promises
ham is ninety-nine at the time), along with rights to
called Canaan, later renamed Palestine, after the P
of it—in perpetuity. The agreement is oral but bind
the debut of monotheism in the world and sows the
Middle East.

But all that's family history. Judaism as a mo

RELIGION 463

d the United States.

ignation considerably less irri­
ist). Heaven is crowded with
ion, as well as with various ce­
an named Abraham, who in­
e wannabes. Acting on direct
for pete's sake, don't say it out
chen utensils and relocated to
rates, thereby earning his en­
ord meaning "the other side")
migration that will repeat itself
aham's obedience and general
s him offspring galore (Abra­
o the Promised Land—a place
Philistines, who occupied part
ding; it simultaneously marks
e seeds of future unrest in the

ore or less coherent religion

464 AN I N C O M P L E T E

didn't really get rolling until
slavery in Egypt and trekked w
his orders directly from Yahw
from His Chosen People, iss
("Thou shalt not kill," "Thou
("Hold the bacon"). The sha
divinely revealed history, in t
five books of the Bible.

If this is beginning to seem
about 1300 B.C.E.), so much th
tional identity, or even passab
had to rely on to keep their tr
persecution, exile, and general
the Torah and buttressed by t
lected in the Mishnah and the

Because Jewish law and trad
a hostile planet, Judaism is so
than many other religions. (T
you-only-live-once mentality:
struction of the Temple of Jer
Jews to Babylonia, known as
dispersion of the Jews across t
trine of original sin, for instan
thing worse than a parking
fantasizing about a blissful aft
Florida. It's true that ethical c
one is—is an almost obsessive
liberal Democrats, social wo
hitched to a system of reward
Jew is required to do the right
can be loosely defined as any
should happen to be looking.
can't be adequately pictured o
cists.) Such obligatory good d
fully lighting the Sabbath cand
after your dog.

Other key terms: Orthodox
four branches of modern Ame
which they adhere to traditio
three, anywhere from about 7
the congregation, the individ
they'll agree to disagree about

E EDUCATION

Moses led a group of transplanted Hebrews out of
with them back to the Promised Land. Moses took
weh, who was quite clear about what He expected
suing directives on everything from ethical conduct
u shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife," etc.) to diet
lts and shalt nots were recorded, along with much
the Torah, later compiled and edited into the first

m like an awfully long story (and we're only up to
he better. In the absence of a homeland, a strong na­
bly tolerant neighbors, history is about all the Jews
raditions alive through the next several millennia of
l tsuris. History, that is, and the law, as embodied in
the scholarly commentaries on same, were later col­
e Talmud, Judaism's next-most-important books.
dition evolved as a kind of survivor's guide to life on
omewhat more practical and here-and-now oriented
The childhood trauma that might explain Judaism's
: the Diaspora, which originally referred to the de­
usalem in 586 B.C.E. and the subsequent exile of the
the first Babylonian Captivity, later to the chronic
the face of the earth.) Jews don't believe in the doc­
nce, or in a devil powerful enough to instigate any­

violation, and they spend considerably less time
terlife than planning for a comfortable retirement in
conduct—especially helping anyone worse off than
ely big deal in Judaism (it's no accident that so many
orkers, and shrinks are Jewish), but morality isn't
ds and punishments, the way it is in Christianity. A
t thing, just because. "The right thing," by the way,

action that would put a smile on God's face if He
. (And if H e had a face; Judaism posits a God who
r conceptualized. In this, Jews are a little like physi­
deeds are called mitzvahs and can range from faith­
dles every Friday night to saving a life or picking up

x, Conservative, Reform, and Reconstructionist, the
erican Judaism, which differ mainly in the degree to
on—Orthodox, 100 percent, no excuses; the other
75 percent down to about 10 percent, depending on
dual, and/or the Zeitgeist—although occasionally

a core belief, such as whether G o d is a personal en-

tity or, as many Reconstructionists insist, a natural f
Zionism, the political movement born in reaction t
the nineteenth century (and in particular, to the D
that aimed at making good Yahweh's original offer o
and Kabbalah, Judaism's complex mystical tradition
tations of Scripture and currently enjoying a vogue
Holocaust you already know.

CHRISTIANIT

1.5 billion followers: 1 billion Roman Catholic; 170 m
million Protestant. Dominant in Western Europe and

The first Christians weren't Christians at all, of
who, smitten with Jesus of Nazareth's notions abo
hood of man, and redemption through faith, saw n
disruptive in regarding themselves as Jews for Jesus
ers began recruiting non-Jewish converts, who in
weird and Christ divine, that Christians and Jews
looks across the bazaar.

Although it's never easy to launch a new world
had a particularly tough time of it, beset, as they we
ing over who, exactly, Jesus was, and by any numb
gions bent on co-opting the Savior for their own ne
Gnostics, with their salvation-through-revelation o

RELIGION

force, like gravity. Then there's
to European anti-Semitism in
Dreyfus Affair; see page 626),
of a Jewish homeland in Israel;
n, based on esoteric reinterpre-
among Hollywood celebrities.

TY

million Eastern Orthodox; 370
d the Americas.

course, but Palestinian Jews
out universal love, the brother­
nothing particularly disloyal or
s. It wasn't until Jesus' follow­
nsisted that circumcision was

started giving each other dirty
d religion, the early Christians
ere, by a lot of internal bicker­
ber of competitive pagan reli­
efarious purposes—notably the
occultism and their predisposi-

466 AN I N C O M P L E T E

tion to see Good and Evil in
Christian doctrine was formula
tendency toward dogmatism a
communicating anyone who d
of the ruling Romans, who,
Christians from false ones, sim

It wasn't until the fourth
converted to Christianity, that
derdogs into imperial pets. A
tian capital and arts center,
original slave, peasant, and hu
rich enough to host its first e
Creed, which affirmed, mainl
basic statement of faith for m
tians had put together a testam
Acts of the Apostles, twenty-o
vine. (They'd already appropri
named the Old Testament, plu
from the cutting-room floor,
ous and which were later rejec

Success didn't eliminate di
few centuries of squabbling o
member the biblical injunctio
communicated the Patriarch o
split into Roman Catholic a
Churches differ mainly in dec
tine domes and the elaborate
cathedrals and the Renaissan
goes in for interminable masse
agant amounts of incense), la
Latin, and lately, local vernac
maculate Conception (not blo
the infallibility of the pope.

More fussing and fighting
Great Schism, during which
Rome, one from Avignon; and
Luther, Calvin, Zwingli, et a
Europe into Catholic and Pro

Today, Protestant sects (th
northern Europe and the old
Catholicism in the United St
cornered the market in Franc

E EDUCATION

n very black-and-white terms. In fact, most early
ated as a defense against total incoherence; hence its
and the Christian establishment's later habit of ex­
didn't toe the party line. There was also the problem
not in the least obsessed with distinguishing true
mply declared open season on all of them.
century, when the Emperor Constantine himself
t Christians were transformed from persecuted un­
After the construction of Constantinople as Chris­

a new yuppie constituency began replacing the
mble-laborer devotees. In A.D. 325, the church was
ecumenical council, out of which came the Nicene
ly, belief in the Holy Trinity and which is still the
most Christians. By the end of the century, Chris­
ment of their own, comprising the four Gospels, the
one epistles, and the Revelation of St. John the Di­
iated the entire Hebrew Scriptures, which they re­
us the Apocrypha, a collection of writings retrieved
whose authorship was more than ordinarily dubi­
cted as uncanonical by Protestants.)
issent within the ranks, however. In 1054, after a
over such issues as whether or not art was O K (re­
on against graven images), the Pope of Rome ex­
of Constantinople, and the Church was henceforth
and Eastern Orthodox divisions. Today, the two
cor (the Eastern Orthodox Church got the Byzan­
e mosaics; the Roman Catholics got the Gothic
nce art collection), style (the Eastern Church still
es, showstopper rituals, and the burning of extrav­
anguage (Greek and local vernacular in the East;
cular in the West), their attitudes toward the Im­
oody likely, according to the E O C ) , and, of course,

in the West led, in the fourteenth century, to the
two rival popes ruled simultaneously, one from
d in the fifteenth century to the Reformation, when
al., fed up with Church corruption, split Western
otestant factions.
here are about 250 of them) dominate much of
British Empire, and maintain a slight edge over
tates, while the Catholic Church has pretty much
ce, Italy, Spain, and Latin America. The modern

ecumenical movement hopes, someday, to put a
back together again. In the meantime, the com
head count still matters, since Christianity, as a
the door to a Seventh-Day Adventist knows, is on
ligions of the modern world.

ISLAM

More than 1 billion believers (and growing fast), only
Indonesia is the world's largest Islamic country. Islam
Turkey, Iran, Pakistan, and Afghanistan, in addition

Oops. Did we say it's never easy to launch a new w
Islam (you can bet it won't happen again), the y
megafaiths. In A.D. 622, its official birth year, Islam
in the prophet Muhammad's eye; less than two hu
power behind an empire that stretched from Spain
mad didn't really start from scratch; as a Bedouin tr
of the prophet Ishmael, the first son of the prophet
skirts of Mecca, he'd already picked up a lot of goss
tianity by the time he began having divine revelat
Islam bears an uncanny likeness to its two predece
that, from the beginning, made it highly appealing
do mean man) as well as to certain fierce desert t
Muhammad's policy of winning through decapitati

RELIGION 467

all the pieces of the Church
mbined Catholic-Protestant
anyone who has ever opened
ne of the great missionary re­

y about afifth of whom are Arab.
is also the dominant religion in
to the Arab world.

orld religion? We overlooked
youngest of the monotheistic
m was little more than a gleam
undred years later, it was the
to India. O f course, Muham­
rader (and a direct descendant

Abraham) living on the out­
sip about Judaism and Chris­
tions of his own. As a result,
essors, though with variations
to the common man (and we
tribes prepared to appreciate
ion.

468 AN I N C O M P L E T E

One of the main attraction
God") is its practicality. Your
get to Heaven not by striving
able state of grace but simply b
important of these is the affir
Allah and Muhammad is His
life and no one can accuse you
Allah will know for sure). Tw
need to check your watch; just
when everyone else does). Thr
tire month of Ramadan (and,
binge-eat into the wee hours)
least once if you can afford it
camel; flights leave daily from
poor you have to beg them.
smooth entry into Heaven, si

In case you get confused, y
and only sacred text of Islam
Muhammad. You may find t
Wrote in a rhythmic Arabic th
quarters of the Muslim world
can read their own Scriptures
retelling the stories of the Ol
the correct and uncorrupted—
prophets were really Adam,
Jesus. Alexander the Great w
carry Allah's divine word to
which must have been some
detail about ethical behavior o
dith, the collected sayings o
edges, are probably not authe

The Muslim world (and rem
is meant to be a theocracy, and
Islam splits into its two major
85-90 percent of all Muslims,
was elected the first caliph afte
cessor. The minority Shi'ites i
law Ali to succeed him; they t
Muhammad's daughter. They
under whom the ayatollahs com
years, politics widened the rift
other as heretics, although the

E EDUCATION

ns of Islam (Arabic for "submission to the will of
average Muslim (Arabic for "one who submits") can
for some quasi-mystical and pretty much unattain­
by honoring the Five Pillars of Islam. First and most
rmation of faith, in the words "There is no God but
prophet." Say this with real feeling just once in your
u of not being a true Muslim (although only you and
wo: Pray five times a day, turning toward Mecca (no
t listen for the call of the muezzin and hit the ground
ree: Fast from sunup to sundown throughout the en­
if you're a well-to-do twenty-first-century Muslim,
). Four: M a k e the hajjy the pilgrimage to Mecca, at
(luckily, you no longer have to travel on foot or by
most major cities). Five: Give alms, unless you're so
And if you want to earn bonus points to ensure a
mply contrive to die while fighting a holy war.
you can look up the essentials in the Koran, the one
m, which contains the words of Allah as revealed to
the going a bit tricky, however, since Muhammad
hat's completely untranslatable. Join the club; three-
d is now composed of non-Arabs, and none of them
s, either. Anyway, most of the Koran is devoted to
d and New Testaments from the Muslim—that is,
—point of view. (For instance, the five great early
Noah, Abraham—the first Muslim—Moses, and
was a prophet, too, and Muhammad was the last to
man; and that's Allah, by the way, not Yahweh,
e sort of typo.) The Koran won't give you much
or daily ritual; for that, you'll have to turn to the H a -
of Muhammad, which, almost everyone acknowl­
entic.
member, that's not synonymous with the Arab world)
d it's in the who's-running-the-show department that
sects, Sunni and Shi'a. Sunnis, who make up about
believe that Muhammad's old friend Abu Bakr, who
er the Prophet's death, was the latter's legitimate suc­
nsist that the Prophet chose his nephew and son-in-
trace the line of succession through Ali and Fatima,
y believe in rule by twelve imams or perfect leaders,
mpose a sort of middle-management cadre. Over the
t between the two camps, which tend to regard each
ey agree on most of the religious fundamentals.

From its inception, Islam has had great succes
arid, impoverished countries where the locals are s
and sword-brandishing, and to the promise of a He
sists of green meadows and babbling brooks. Anot
is basically egalitarian and flexible; follow the simpl
torture you for heresy or shun you because of the
pacifists, and drunk drivers, however, need not app

ZOROASTRIANI

150,000 believers, mostly Parsis liv

You pretty much had to be there—Persia, in the s
get the full flavor of Zoroastrianism as Zoroaster
conceived it, it was called Zarathustrianism; Zoroa
lation.) By the time it became the state religion of
ter's own mother wouldn't have recognized it. But
yourself trying to settle down and run a peaceful
rounded by a zillion nature gods perpetually vying
spend half the day sacrificing to gods of twigs and p

RELIGION 469

ss in winning converts in hot,
susceptible to a lot of shouting
eaven that, unlike home, con­
ther bonus: Traditional Islam
le rules and nobody is going to
color of your skin. Feminists,
ply.

ISM

ving in India.

sixth century B.C., that is—to
conceived it. (Actually, as he
astrianism is the Greek trans­
f Persia, in A.D. 226, Zoroas­
use your imagination. Picture
little ancient farm while sur­
for your attention. You could
pebbles and the like just to get

47° AN I N C O M P L E T E

in a decent harvest, and you st
or raise your kids. Zoroaster e
while adding a relatively cohe
Zoroastrianism, in its earliest
harvest and ensuring the happ
ertheless, it was as subtle and
find in . . . well, wherever you

Zoroaster trimmed the pan
Mazdah, a.k.a. Ormuzd, the C
riman, God of Evil and Dar
deities, or archangels, or ahura
late roughly into Good Tho
Pious Devotion, Salvation, an
entourage of evil spirits, called
and actions, can side with Goo
Death, and, by doing so, parti
to a point. The catch—and wh
dualistic religions that were
Ahura Mazdah is going to win
marriage of free will and deter
ing.

Daily life for a Zoroastrian w
its lurking everywhere. Near-co
the forces of corruption, darkn
elements, fire, water, and earth
ern Zoroastrian would be qui
well protected from contamin
which Zoroastrians placed the
corruption and defilement wer
very powerful force in the Zor
all becomes a bit much for the
you can bone up on the purific
liturgies, in the Zoroastrian s
corrupted, and so old that yo
forces of Darkness, much less
on the other hand, seems to do
was wiped out by Moslem hor
trians escaped to India, where
Now known as Parsis and con
one of the wealthiest, best-edu
ciety that doesn't normally rew

E EDUCATION

till wouldn't have a clue as to how to behave nicely
eliminated a lot of the time-wasting twig worship
erent moral dimension to daily life. It's true that
t form, was mainly concerned with increasing the
piness and well-being of various farm animals; nev­

sophisticated an ethical system as anything you'll
look for ethical systems nowadays.
theon of Persian gods to two warring ones: Ahura
Creator and God of Goodness and Light; and Ah-
rkness. Ahura Mazdah is attended by six lesser
as, or abstract qualities, take your pick, who trans­
ught, Highest Righteousness, Divine Kingdom,
nd Immortality. Ahriman, naturally, has his own
d divs or daevas. Human beings, by their thoughts
odness, Light, and Life or with Evil, Darkness, and
icipate in the ultimate destiny of the Universe. Up
hat makes Zoroastrianism different from the purely
all the rage in ancient times—is that eventually,
n. This makes for a nice, if somewhat complicated,
rminism—and, eventually, for a kind of happy end­

was nevertheless a very risky business, with evil spir­
onstant ritual purification was necessary to ward off
ness, and death. At the same time, Ahura Mazdah's
h—all of which are reverenced but not, as any mod­
ck to tell you, worshipped—had to be particularly
nation; hence the spooky "Towers of Silence" on
eir dead so as not to defile the earth. But physical
re also linked to evil mental states, thought being a
roastrian cosmos. A t some point, as you can see, it
e techno-happy Western mind to grasp. (Although
cation rituals, along with a lot of songs, hymns, and
scriptures, the Zend Avesta, it's so fragmentary, so
u still won't know your forces of Light from your
be able to tell who's winning.) The Eastern mind,
o very nicely with it. When Persian Zoroastrianism
rdes in the eighth century, a small group of Zoroas­
e incessant ritual purification is never a bad idea.
ncentrated in and around Bombay, they've become
ucated, and most-respected minority groups in a so­
ward strangeness or strangers.

HINDUISM

More than 700 million believers, m

Very old: predates all other world religions, except
Also, very disorganized: has 330 million gods, mor
ily to have its own; a couple of dozen sects; a clutc
uals, ceremonies, and spiritual disciplines; and ne
any consensus as to what, exactly, religious practic
duism seems easy—tolerant, inclusive, undemandin
color, pageantry, and paths to Brahman, the Infinit
you eventually want to be at one with. Easy, that is
itously placed within the caste system and stuck be
infelicitously placed without it and stuck being an
mosquito.

The paradox here: You have plenty of time (in
need) and plenty of ways to work out the release of
the ultimate rendezvous with Brahman. But ther
feeling to the game plan and, rather than getting to
always being judged on how nicely you behaved on

RELIGION 471

mostly in India.

Judaism, by centuries at least.
re than enough for every fam­
ch of holy books; plenty of rit­
either a historical founder nor
e consists of. In a sense, Hin­
ng, with an embarrassment of
te Being (and ultimate reality)
s, assuming you're not infelic-
eing a servant or a peasant; or
n untouchable—or a pig or a

fact, as many lifetimes as you
f your soul from the world and
re's a real chutes-and-ladders
o simply shake the dice, you're
your last turn. In other words,

472 AN I N C O M P L E T E

your karma—literally, "action
and-effect—determines your
nation after incarnation until
of the game.

Along the way, be prepared
of whom, incidentally, is a m
subsidiary manifestations of t
Dancer; Vishnu the Preserver
vine Mother. And with a coup
cient scriptures, written in Sa
culminate in the Upanishads
longest poem in the world, c
gavad Gita, a dialogue betwe
And with any and all animals
of which you'll be nice to, sin
O f course you'll visit Benares
embracing that branch of yog
lated to our word "yoke") that
dures, a style of sensual love
you'll also be on the lookout f
the latter painted), and sutras
Sutra section of which may re

Not that Hinduism is all e
Brahman, to give some thoug
the shapes and structures, the
some way stand for reality—ot
ritory. Problem is, as long as w
rate from our environment, w
karma, and once again find ou
At which point, according to
ing up in the bullpen), the wh

E EDUCATION

n"; figuratively, a kind of cosmic system of cause-
rise (and fall) in caste, through life after life, incar­
you finally get to the top of the board and the end

d to deal with the most prominent of the gods (each
manifestation of Braham, and many of whom have
their own): Shiva the Destroyer, a.k.a. the Cosmic

, a.k.a. Krishna, a.k.a. Buddha; and Shakti the Di­
ple of important sets of books: the Vedas, those an­
anskrit, that lay the groundwork for Hinduism and

or "secret doctrine"; and the Mahabharata, the
containing India's favorite religious text, the Bha-
een the god Krishna and a soldier named Arjuna.
s, especially cows, bulls, monkeys, and snakes (each
nce it, like you, is probably on its way up or down).
and bathe in the Ganges. And you may go Tantric,
ga (from a Sanskrit word meaning "to join" and re­

seeks enlightenment through, among other proce­
emaking in which "each is both." Needless to say,
for gurus, mantras, mandalas (the former chanted,

(treatises on various aspects of the Vedas, the Kama
emind you of Tantric yoga classes).
easy-listening. You'll also be expected, en route to
ght to maya (originally, "might"), the illusion that
e things and events we perceive with our senses in
therwise known as confusing the map with the ter­
we're under the spell of maya and think we're sepa­
we're going to be bound—and pushed around—by
urselves being issued an end-of-lifetime report card.
Hinduism (and for that matter, Buddhism, warm­
hole business begins again.

BUDDHISM

310 million believers, mostly in Southeast Asia,

Take Hinduism. Subtract the caste system, downp
the Play-Doh colors, and substitute Nirvana for B
Noble Truths, the Noble Eightfold Path, the Th
Wheel, and transport the whole business from Indi
east (Burma, Thailand, and Indochina), and north
golia, Korea, and Japan). Refuse to take any questio
or the nature of the divine and insist that everybody
his own, toward feeling better about himself thro
kindliness, and meditation.

It's not that Buddhism is abstemious, exactly (t
and representations of the Buddha can be several st
just that there's a pared-down quality to it and that
places where Hinduism is free-form and assimilativ
dhism had a single founder (and hence an indispu
Siddhartha Gautama, the so called "historic" Budd
Indian prince, who proceeded to renounce worldlin
of the middle way (between extremes of self-indu
eventually, of Nirvana itself—a word that means, l
candle when there's no more wick to burn, and, fi
desires, cravings, and "becomings," from suffering

RELIGION 423

China, Korea, and Japan.

play the gods, the ritual, and
Brahman. Now add the Four
hree Baskets, and the Great
ia to points south (Sri Lanka),
h (Nepal, Tibet, China, Mon­
ons on the origin of the world
y in the group work, quietly on
ough a program of pity, joy,

the robes are saffron, after all,
tories high and made of gold),
t it comes down hard in all the
ve. In part this is because Bud­
utable source and role model),
ha, son of a sixth-century B.C.
ness in favor of enlightenment,
ulgence and self-denial), and,
literally, a "going out," as of a
iguratively, liberation from all
g and from the endless round

474 AN I N C O M P L E T

of lifetimes and selves. And i
gion (like Christianity and
chances of getting over the m
its converts some room to use

Basically, these converts fa
cism and Protestantism) alon
Southeast Asia) practice a for
hicle"), characterized by ortho
terity, and a concept of salva
camp (Nepal all the way to
which postulates that the Bu
body—not even a bodhisattv
self—is going to enter into Ni
Nirvana. Two important su
which the Dalai Lama called
and the Zen Buddhism of Jap
attainment of enlightenment,
intellect—is the name of the
phy, flower arranging, and
observation of the sound-of-o

Careful: It's often hard to
dhist. Not only did Hinduism
what the Buddhists had gon
mantra, tantra, and yoga, no
(though usually not in the sa
now almost no Buddhists in
duism is theatrical and club
yourself.

E EDUCATION

in part it's because Buddhism, as a missionary reli­
Islam), had to travel light, both to maximize its
mountains and through the rainforests and to leave
e their imaginations.
all into two camps, roughly established (cf. Catholi­
g north/south lines. The southern camp (Sri Lanka,
rm of Buddhism known as Hinayana (or "Little Ve­
odoxy (what the historical Buddha said goes), aus­
ation based on one's own right living. The northern
o Japan) practice Mahayana (or "Great Vehicle"),
uddha is not just historical but divine and that no­
va, two-thirds of the way to being a Buddha him­
irvana until every last one of us is ready to enter into
bcamps of Buddhism: the Lamaism of Tibet, in
d the shots until Communist China threw him out,
pan, transplanted from China, in which satori—the
, plain and simple, through intuition rather than
game, prepared for in activities like judo, calligra­
so on, and embodied by the koan, a paradoxical
one-hand-clapping variety.
remember what's basically Hinduist, what's Bud­
m spawn Buddhism, it then glommed on to a lot of
e on to say and think. So you get nirvana, karma,
ot to mention Buddha himself, in both packages
ame strengths). D o try to remember that there are
n India itself. And that whereas the spirit of Hin­
bby, that of Buddhism is no-nonsense and do-it-

TAOISM and C O

Number of believers unknown, 6m
but they re mostly in China.

Let's begin with yin and yang. You remember yi
experience, joined in a symmetric union, a contin
creative, male, heavenly force, yin the dark, recept
of the two containing the seed of its opposite. Note
ern-style opposites here, of the true-false, good
more like harmony, balance, completeness, fulfillm

Turns out, that's pretty much how Confuciani
founded in the sixth century B.C. (and thus predati
China by roughly seven hundred years), and each
endary sage, the two together sum up, play to, and
ter as we know—or think we know—it. Confuciani
full of advice on how to behave in the world, father
to subject, older friend to younger friend, and it's m
churches or clergy in sight. Taoism is mystical, de
dhism (though probably less than Zen)—to transce
ing the tao, the path, the way of the natural ord
into the trap of doing some schematic Type A / T
Rather, they chose to emphasize Confucianism wh
kids, then convert to Taoism when they got older
spontaneity that had been squelched by a lifetime o
and playing by the rules.

Confucius—K'ung Fu-tse, or Grand Master K
was, you don't have to be told, particularly good w
the wisest and the stupidest who cannot change," "
equity, the small man profits," "Silence is a friend w

RELIGION 475

NFUCIANISM

million believers, likewise,

in and yang: the two poles of
nuous cycle; yang the bright,
tive, female, earthly one, each
e that we're not talking West­
d-bad variety, but something
ment.
ism and Taoism work. Each
ing the arrival of Buddhism in
h equipped with its own leg­
d care for the Chinese charac­
ism is practical, social, ethical,
to son, husband to wife, ruler
more code than creed, with no
evoted—even more than Bud­
ending everyday life and find­
der. Nor did the Chinese fall
T y p e B thing with the two.
hen they were educating their
in the hopes of regaining the
of honoring social conventions

K'ung, back home in China—
with the one-liners: "It is only
"The proper man understands
who will never betray," and so

476 AN I N C O M P L E T E

on, enough of them to fill the
work. Lao-tzu—the "Grand
baffled Confucius in philosop
a religion determined to tran
know the whole world. Witho
heaven. The farther one trave
Tao Te Ching (The Way of Virt
which you once may have been
wasn't working out, and whic
in the country is, predates both
on it.

So, Confucianism is yang:
yin: intuitive, feminine, yieldi
done, keep the wheels grease
hundred generations; the Tao
with the tao and to leave artifi

Not that it stayed so simple
all the understatement to eye
three different kinds of heav
took over some of the Buddhi
gions it had supplanted (inc
Kitchen God), and developed
and sponsoring secret societie
of the semiliterate and the e
eliminated the examination s
on their toes, seems to have ha
ple's Republic today (it especi
a feudal aristocrat), but we kn

E EDUCATION

Lun Yu, or Analects, Confucianism's basic reference
Old Man" (literally) of Taoism, said to have once
phical debate—had a more enigmatic style, as befits
nscend: 'Without going out of the door, one can
out peeping out the window, one can see the tao of
els, the less one knows." His collection is called the
tue). T h e / Ching (or Book of Changes), by the way,
n in the habit of consulting on days when the Tarot
ch is as much about yin and yang as everything else
h men; Confucius even based some of his teachings

practical, masculine, dominant, active. Taoism is
ing, passive. The Confucians wanted to get the job
ed, make sure the system held up for another few
oists to lead a perfectly balanced life in harmony
ice and conformity in the dust.
e. First, threatened by Buddhism, Taoism sacrificed
e appeal and sheer numbers. Buddhism had thirty-
ven, so Taoists came up with eighty-one. Taoism
ist gods and restored others from the old folk reli­
cluding the City God, the Wealth God, and the
a lively interest in selling charms, reading fortunes,
es. Today, it's still sect-and-society mad, a religion
eternally hopeful. Confucianism, too, once it had
system it ran to keep those civil-service candidates
ad an identity crisis. Both are outlawed in the Peo­
ially didn't help Confucianism that Confucius was
now that's just a phase of the cycle, don't we?

The Hammacher-Schlemmer of Eastern religions
less items, as well as old and demographically undes
most important, overshadowed by Bloomingdale's
Buddhism, a sixth-century import from China via
Shintoists as there are today is due in part to sheer
the fact that most of them are practicing Buddhists

The religion of ancient Japan, Shintoism—from
equivalent of the Japanese kami-no-michi, or "way
written language until it appropriated China's
developed out of a combination of nature and a
around 700 B.C. The religion had a complex panth
a Supreme Sun Goddess and including guardian
tree-, river-, rock-, and village-divinities (inclu
wind"); deified emperors; and miscellaneous natio

A set of customs and rituals rather than a moral o
toism puts a lot of stress on purity, especially bodil
makes little of life after death and a lot of self-vers
ters the belief that, since the Japanese have occupie
themselves for as long as anybody can remember,
other, to their royal rulers, and to the Supreme Su
last planks in the Shintoist platform that had so
harakiri for their emperor in World War II and D
Shintoism as an instrument of the state, while al
shortly thereafter.

s, full of odd and largely use­
sirable shoppers, and, perhaps
s up the street (that would be
Korea; that there are as many
r force of habit and in part to
s, too).
m shin-tao, the later Chinese
y of the gods" (Japan had no
in the fifth century A . D . ) —
ancestor worships, sometime
heon of kami, or gods, led by

household spirits; presiding
uding kamikaze, the "divine
onal heroes.
or philosophical system, Shin­
ly cleanliness, and obedience;
sus-nonself thinking; and fos­
ed their island pretty much by
, they are all related to each
un Goddess herself. It's these
o many Japanese committing
Douglas MacArthur banning
llowing it as a religious sect,

478 AN I N C O M P L E T

The Good

Sorry; as far as we know, v
audio Scripture has). How
surprises, especially if you've
instance, tailor-made for sho
two while waiting for the cas
ride home. It's chock-full of
vice you'd be lucky to get in a
zine. It puts any number of b
choice between contemplatin
Ritual!" at the supermarket c
ing, we know which we thin
heart, we also opt for the Ki
here.

1. There were giants in the ea
of G o d came in unto the dau
same became mighty men wh

2. By the rivers of Babylon, t
bered Zion.**

3. A little sleep, a little slumb
will come upon you like a vag

4. I am a brother to dragons,
me, and my bones are burned
my organ into the voice of the

*For the record, they're talking abou

**Properly associated not with regga
and 492).

E EDUCATION

Book as Good Read

video Scripture hasn't hit the market yet (although
wever, the written Word itself offers some pleasant
been avoiding it since Sunday school days. It is, for
ort attention spans: You can easily absorb a verse or
sh machine and half a dozen psalms on a short bus
the kind of homespun wisdom and thoughtful ad­
a year's subscription to your favorite lifestyle maga­
book and movie titles into perspective. And given a
ng "Mother Eats Baby in Bizarre Devil-Worship
checkout counter or any one of the passages follow­
nk makes for a nicer day. Being sentimentalists at
ng James version whenever possible, as we've done

arth in those days; and also after that, when the sons
ughters of men, and they bore children to them, the
hich were of old, men of renown.*

Genesis 6:4

there we sat down, yea, we wept when we remem­
Psalms 137:1

ber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty
gabond and want like an armed man.

Proverbs 6:10

, and a companion to owls. M y skin is black upon

with heat. M y harp also is turned to mourning, and

em that weep. Job 30:29-31

ut the time before the Flood.
ae music, but with the first Babylonian captivity (see pages 464

5. I returned, and saw under the sun, that the rac
battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise,
derstanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but ti
them all.*

6. Or ever the silver cord be loosed, or the golden b
be broken at the fountain, or the wheel broken at t

7. For they have sown the wind, and they shall re
stalk: the bud shall yield no meal: if so be it yield,
up.f

8. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in th
est not the beam that is in thine own eye?

9. For we brought nothing into this world and i
nothing out.

10. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the

11. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for there
gels unawares.

12. And when he had opened the seventh seal, ther
the space of half an hour,f t

* Ecclesiastes (Greek for "preacher") is now believed to have b
kindly old cynic who lived around 200 B.c. For a long time he w
simistic, and agnostic to be included in the Bible at all; natura
readers.

** T h e subject here is old age and death, about which Ecclesiast
sage is also worth remembering: "Then shall the dust return to t
return unto G o d who gave it."

t Spoken of the errant people of Israel who were, as usual, off
ing in luxury while the kingdom collapsed into political conf
ominously to the north.

f t T h e seventh seal is the last of those which secure the great
being opened, at the moment in question, by a lamb with seven

RELIGION 479

ce is not to the swift, nor the
, nor yet riches to men of un­
me and chance happeneth to

Ecclesiastes 9:11

bowl be broken, or the pitcher
the cistern.**

Ecclesiastes 12:6

eap the whirlwind: it hath no
the strangers shall swallow it

Hosea 8:7

hy brother's eye, but consider-
Matthew 7:3

it is certain that we can carry
I Timothy 6:7

e evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1

eby some have entertained an­
Hebrews 13:2

re was silence in heaven about
Revelation 8:1

been the nom de plume of a wealthy,
was considered too materialistic, pes­
ally, he is a big favorite with modern

tes worried a lot. T h e rest of the pas­
the earth as it was: and the spirit shall

worshipping false idols and wallow­
usion and Assyrian armies gathered

book held in God's right hand. It is
n eyes and seven horns.

480 A N INCOMPLETE

The Good B

e know, if we think ab
V V in seventeenth-century
Bible is not carved, Cecil B . D
diversity of opinion about ho
makes for a Bible-publishin
language versions alone over
ring up an estimated $180 mi

Some of the superabundanc
coveries of ancient texts and
have allowed scholars to corre
people sincerely want to get th
considerably different literary
and denomination now seem
translated by its own scholar
eggs and fried-egg sandwiche
the King James and the Revis
as The Good News Bible and T
a brief critical guide to ten B
two familiar biblical passages.

THE KING JAMES BIBLE (a.k.a
more for sentimental than fo
still presents translation prob
outdated when it was publishe
decipher without divine guida
it did help shape the English
have no purist hang-ups, the
known as The Dartmouth Bible

THE REVISED STANDARD VER
Bible, issued between 1946 an
King James language and ma
tained too many archaisms, w
supposedly weakened stance o
and the historicity of the Virg
miliar version of the Bible in
English-speaking world.

E EDUCATION

Book as Good Business

bout it, that God didn't speak to His biblical scribes
English prose; that the King James version of the

DeMille-style, in stone. This allows for considerable
ow H e said whatever it was that He said. It also
g industry that has churned out 2,500 English-
the past couple of centuries and that continues to
llion in sales each year.
ce of Scripture is justified. For one thing, new dis­
more sophisticated methods of interpreting them
ect errors in earlier translations. For another, some
he Word across to a new generation of readers with

needs. Then there's simple chauvinism: Every sect
ms determined to have its own version of things,

s, to present to its own faithful. So, as scrambled
es have been joined by the E g g McMuffin, next to
sed Standard versions, we now have such bestsellers
The Book. Here, contributor D a v i d Martin provides
ibles, complete with samples of how each handles
.

a. the Authorized Version): Retains its popularity
or utilitarian reasons. Despite ongoing revisions, it
blems, and some of the language, already slightly
ed in 1611, is now so archaic that it's impossible to
ance. But it's beautiful stuff, whatever it means, and
h language for the next couple of centuries. If you

abridged and heavily annotated collegiate version
e can make the going a whole lot easier.

RSION: An American reworking of the King James
nd 1952. Proponents praised it for cleaning up the
any of its textual errors. Detractors said it still re­
while fundamentalists blamed the Commies for its
on the divinity of Jesus, the integrity of the Trinity,
gin Birth. Has become, as the name implies, the fa­
n the United States and probably throughout the

THE NEW ENGLISH BIBLE: Published in 1 9 7 0 by the
versity Presses, and a totally new translation from t
word-for-word translation, though, which produce
as "Bible English," this goes meaning-for-meanin
idiom; as a result, it's clearer than the King James
cisms—"truckle to no one," "meal-tub," "throw
American crazy.

THE JERUSALEM BIBLE: Brought out in 1 9 6 6 and
Catholic translation into English from the origin
Latin Vulgate. A formidable piece of scholarship,
troductions and notes on archeology, geography, th
considered by many to be the most complete of tho
The doctrine is relatively liberal, although Catholi
notes (e.g., on I Corinthians 7: "Virginity is a high
spirituality more profitable").

THE NEW AMERICAN BIBLE: T h e first translation
American Catholics, and a surprisingly undogmatic
lation, it gets a bit ponderous, but does clean up a l

THE LIVING BIBLE: Completed in 1 9 7 1 , and comes
for Catholics called The Way: Catholic Edition, and
Soul Food.) Literally a paraphrase, The Book, as it's n
extensively for its careless treatment of the geograp
the times, as well as for some of the theological co
neth N . Taylor. Some people also take exception t
bumper stickers. N o beauty here: The Psalms are
Solomon as some kind of a dramatic reading among
loquial style is sitcom-flat: "Hey, who's that girl ove
tery type."

THE GOOD NEWS BIBLE (Today's English Version): T
popular illustrated model, designed to be easily un
one, including newcomers to the English languag
enough, but the style is strictly newspaperese.

THE NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION: Published in 1
format. When someone speaks, there are quotatio
voice changes, so does the paragraph—just like in
translation itself, neither literal nor paraphrased, is
conservative evangelical.

RELIGION 481

Oxford and Cambridge Uni­
the original texts. Instead of a
s what has come to be known
ng and favors contemporary
s but also wordier. Its Angli­
on the stove"—can drive an

heralded as the first Roman
nal text rather than from the

it includes book-by-book in­
heology, and language that are
ose in any one-volume Bible.
ic dogma does creep into the
her calling than marriage, and

n from the original texts for
one. A word-for-word trans­
lot of archaism.

in various versions. (The one
d for blacks there's—honest—
now called, has been criticized
phy, history, and language of
onclusions of its author, Ken­
to having The Book touted on
e done in prose, the Song of
g several speakers, and its col­
er there?" "Martha was the jit­

The American Bible Society's
derstood by absolutely every­
e. The translation is accurate

1978 with a strikingly familiar
on marks; when the speaking
a James Michener novel. The

innocuous, and the theology,