An Incomplete Education - 3,684 Things You Should Have Learned but Probably Didn't

PEOPLE ARE T

AN INCOMPLE

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WITHOUT KNOWING THAT I ALW

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The Chic

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An Incomplete Education...It t
and brings you 10,000 years of

knowing where Watteau w
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"JudyJones and William W
should've learned but didn't. It's
with facts, figures, drawings, de

sufficient to fill yo
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9 "780345 "29

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TALKING ABOUT

ETE EDUCATION

K THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
WAYS WANTED IT...It's for people who
edge of specific areas of culture and
ully, subversively anti-academic!'
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OU CAN DROP NAMES, ALLUSIONS
E BEST OF THEM, whether you (or they)
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avorite philosophical paradoxes'.'

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OUNT OF INFORMATION..."
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EST BOOKSHOP AND BUY
took the authors ten years to write
information. Imagine the power of
went when the lights went out!"
rk Daily News

Wilson...tell you everything you
s articulate and irreverent, crammed
efinitions, and historic information
our every synaptic gap'.'
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AtlantaJournal and Constitution

95705

M5-2C!57D-Li

Copyright © 1987 by Judy Jones and

All rights reserved under Internationa
Conventions. Published in the United
a division of Random House, Inc., N
in Canada by Random House of Cana

Portions of this book originally appear

Grateful acknowledgment is made to
material:
City Lights Books, Inc.: excerpt fr
Copyright © 1964 by Frank O'Hara.

Farrar, Straus & Giroux, Inc. : excerp
Dead by Robert Lowell. Copyright ©
Faber & Faber, Ltd. Reprinted by pe

Henry Holt and Company, Inc. and
Gold Can Stay" and "Directive" by
Edward Connery Lathem. Copyright
Copyright 1951 by Robert Frost. Co
permission of the publishers and the E

Harper & Row Publishers, Inc.: exc
Sylvia Plath, edited by T e d Hughes. C
of Harper & Row Publishers, Inc.

Page 659 constitutes a continuation of the

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PU

Jones, Judy, 1946-
An incomplete education.
Includes index.
1. Handbooks, vade-mecums, etc. I.
AG105.J64 1987 031'.02 86-915
ISBN 0-345-29570-6

Text design by Beth Tondreau
Photo editor: Cheryl Moch
Manufactured in the United States of

30 29 28 27 26 25 24 23

William Wilson

l and Pan-American Copyright
d States by Ballantine Books,
e w York, and simultaneously
ada Limited, Toronto.

red in Esquire.

the following for permission to reprint previously published

rom the poem "The Day Lady Died" by Frank O'Hara.
Reprinted by permission of City Lights Books, Inc.

pt from the poem "For the Union Dead" from For the Union
© 1960, 1964 by Robert Lowell. UK rights administered by
ermission of the publishers.

Jonathan Cape, Ltd.: excerpts from the poems "Nothing
y Robert Frost from The Poetry of Robert Frost, edited by

1923, 1947, © 1969 by Holt, Rinehart and Winston, Inc.
pyright © 1975 by Lesley Frost Ballantine. Reprinted by
Estate of Robert Frost.

cerpt from the poem "Daddy" from The Collected Poems of
Copyright © 1963 by Ted Hughes. Reprinted by permission

e copyright page.

UBLICATION DATA

. Wilson, William, 1948- II. Title.
572

America
3

AN I N C O M P L E T E

What You N

Answering a

Internatio

A NERVOUS AMER

AND LOVING

A

T H E LAYOUT: South America
pography ranging from lush
ian border) to arid, windy ste
rigs, and a few luxury hotels
mineral deposits, and, at its
because most Argentines h
grasslands where the gaucho

EDUCATION

N e e d to K n o w Before

a P e r s o n a l s A d in the

nal Herald-Tribune

RICAN'S GUIDE TO LIVING
ON FIVE CONTINENTS

ARGENTINA

a's second biggest country (after Brazil), with to­
tropical forests (the Gran Chaco, near the Brazil­
eppes (Patagonia, home of some sheep, a lot of oil
s). Argentina has plenty of rich farmland, copious
top and bottom, a lot of wide-open spaces. That's
ave gone off to live in the Pampa, the central

os used to roam, the cattle still graze, the wheat

POLI

grows, and most of the manufacturing is done. I
them have set up housekeeping over by the co
tina's version of Paris, ditto Miami Beach, whe
window of one's high-rise apartment (unless one
on the outskirts of town) and dream of Swiss ba
the horizon.

T H E SYSTEM: A federal republic and a constitutio
dent elected by indirect vote, a bicameral legisla
eled more or less on our own. At least, that's wh
since 1930, however, when the military first acqu
ing the elected government whenever things s
hand, the system has, more often than not, bee
month has deemed necessary. It hasn't seemed t
the street; no one has put any stock in constitu
Peron, the popular demagogue and Mussolini fan
a constitution was just a piece of paper, easily
boss.

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW T O READ T H E NEWSPA

real-estate sections; everything else is bound
economy, for instance. (You might as well ta
Saddled with the third largest foreign debt in
manages to stay afloat by borrowing more whe
T h e economy is so calamitously out of contro
observer, like an act of God. T o the Argentine
whom bitter factionalism is mother's milk, th
obviously somebody's—that is, somebody else's
unions, always demanding higher wages and par
and violence; the businessmen, trying to eke
prices, then investing the extra pesos overseas;
industries, many of them run by the military an
the military itself, 80,000 strong with no forei
certain standard of living to maintain. Naturally,
the economy for long, and it's almost exhilaratin
right-wing, left-wing, or both, start livening thin
followed by another military coup, and once the
no one has to read any more bad news becaus
and editors just seem to pfffft! disappear.

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING AN ARGE

date never introduces you to any of his or her fr

TICAL SCIENCE 339

In fact, a large percentage of
oast, in Buenos Aires, Argen­
ere one can gaze out of the
e happens to live in a shanty
ank accounts waiting beyond

onal democracy, with a presi­
ature, and a constitution mod­
hat it's supposed to be. Ever
uired the habit of overthrow­
seemed to be getting out of
n whatever the junta-of-the-
to matter much to the man in
utional guarantees since Juan
n, proved, back in 1949, that
rewritten once you were the

APERS: Stick to the arts and
to be bad news. Take the
ake it; you're paying for it.
n the world, Argentina only
never the notes come due.)
ol as to seem, to the casual
es themselves, however, for
he state of the economy is
s—fault: the voracious trade
ralyzing industry with strikes
out more profits by raising
; the money-guzzling public
nd therefore untouchable; or
ign enemies in sight and a

no one wants to read about
ng when the terrorist groups,
ngs up. That's nearly always
e generals are in power again,
se all the grumpy journalists

ENTINE: Wondering why your
riends? Don't take it person-

340 AN I N C O M P L E T E

ally. Your date's old schoo
desaparecidos who were kidn
the ruling junta in the 197
nervous. T h e generals—a fe
streets are safe again (althou
pick you up, you might wa
can have a fine time by y
economy, Argentina still ma
Latin America. Why not go
boulevards, stop off at a ch
cup of coffee, then do a lit
see a show (also plenty of
twice as much money as you
percent annually, and by th
be worth half what it was w

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO

skirts and castanets; most A
your date's parents are prob
big percentage of the popula
slightly aloof and possibly a
country is a notorious undera
in to corner the very world
they pleased when we tried
Russians. The way they see
ask them to give up their b
about it, though; your date
thizers. In fact, you'll want
before you start gushing abo
way. If they're working cla
doubtedly be Peronistas wh
when Peron and his movie-
coins to the adoring crowds
having to sit through a tira
tactics are what ruined the
want to mention the Falklan
little islands off the southea
eignty for 150 years, since i
ill-conceived grandstand pla
ated the whole country in
discussing Jorge Luis Borges

EDUCATION

l chums may have been among the 9,000 or so
apped, murdered, and thrown into mass graves by
70s and early 1980s. But there's no need to be
ew of them anyway—have been locked up and the
ugh if a Ford Falcon with no license plates tries to
nt to hop on the nearest bus). You and your date
yourselves since, despite its Alice-in-Wonderland
anages to maintain the highest standard of living in
for a stroll down one of Buenos Aires's fashionable
arming sidewalk café for a "Chéburger" and a $5
tle shopping (plenty of designer jeans here) or go
nightlife)? Just remind your date to bring along
u think you'll need; inflation can run to over 1,000
he time you get downtown, your date's peso could
hen you left home.

M E E T Y O U R D A T E ' S P A R E N T S : D o n ' t expect flounced
Argentines are proud of their European roots, and
bably just back from a shopping spree in Milan (a
ation is of Italian descent). Do expect them to be
a little defensive. Argentines are aware that their
achiever, and they resent the way the U.S. moved

markets they feel they should have had. Nor were
to get them to join our grain embargo against the
e it, we don't buy their wheat, so who were we to
biggest customer? Don't get all huffy and patriotic
e's parents are anything but Communist sympa­
t to figure out just how far to the right they lean
out how much you enjoyed seeing Evita on Broad­
ass, you're probably on safe ground. They'll un­
ho'll love to reminisce about the good old days
-star wife came down to the factories and threw
s. But if they're middle class, you may end up
ade about how the Perons' corruption and fascist
country in the first place. Obviously, you won't
nds (oops! they're called the Malvinas here), those
astern coast that have been under British sover­
it was there that the military decided to make the
ay that brought down the government and humili­
the eyes of the world. Your best bet: Stick to
s, a native son, and enjoy your steak.

POLI

CAMBODIA

T H E LAYOUT: A big, saucer-shaped rice paddy
watered by monsoons, just right for nurturing a p
But the neighborhood is what really counts, and
on one side, and the Vietnamese, on the other, h
backyard for centuries. Now, with the former a
Communist, and the Chinese hiding out in the sh
well go jump in the Gulf of Siam.
T H E SYSTEM: Cambodia—officially, the Khmer Re
that could legitimately be called a system since Pri
deposed in 1970. Sihanouk, a slippery character w
dia out from under the thumb of the French a
country out of the Vietnam debacle, had abdicate
parents in order to take practical control of the co
as chief of state) while preserving the monarchy
military coup, by his erstwhile second-in-comman
winger tacitly backed by the United States. Lon
out of the ring by Pol Pot, a fanatical Communist

TICAL SCIENCE 341

flanked by mountains and
peaceful little farming nation.

it's a lousy one. T h e Thais,
have been wandering into the

U.S. ally, the latter solidly
hrubbery, Cambodia might as

epublic—hasn't had anything
ince Norodom Sihanouk was
who nevertheless got Cambo­
and campaigned to keep his
ed the throne in favor of his
ountry (first as premier, then
y. He was replaced, after a
nd, Lon Nol, a corrupt right-
n Nol, in turn, was knocked
revolutionary openly backed

342 AN I N C O M P L E T E

by Peking. Pol Pot was ov
installed a puppet regime un
sides, you might be the next

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO

got, Cambodia could use a
planet. Sure, Thailand let a
fighters camp on its borders
have made it clear that they
and the United States lend
Vietnamese out of Cambodi
that secretly bombed Cambo
incursions into Cambodian
country in the first place. An
path Pol Pot and his Khmer
munists that slaughtered at
demolished the country's eco
few countries that sends non
that the Band-Aids and aspiri
a conqueror—even one that
can't quite see who's going t
players to change their stra
trouble figuring out who's go

WHAT YOU N E E D T O KNOW IF

little edgy, since he or she l
traditional enemies, the Viet
you're invited along, don't a
blowing up bridges for one
countryside or hiding out a
definitely ask questions; spec
ing for? If it's Prince Sihanou
out of his league when he tr
may well have Cambodia's in
hang on longer than anyone
kiss your date goodbye and p
ing Khmer People's Nationa
der, and the other is the sa
ideology during the last regim
your date seems to be rush

EDUCATION

verthrown in 1979 by invading Vietnamese, who
nder Heng Samrin. If you're clever about picking
t ruler of Cambodia.

READ T H E NEWSPAPERS: That with friends like it's
a real ally, and it isn't likely to find one on this
a couple hundred thousand refugees and guerrilla
s, but the Thais, who have their own problems,
y're not about to sign any adoption papers. China

a hand by funding insurgents trying to drive the
ia. T h a t , you'll recall, is the same United States
odia from 1965 to 1973, and whose unauthorized

territory brought the Vietnamese war into the
nd that's the same China that backed the psycho­
r Rouge, the army of fanatical Cambodian Com­

least 2 million of their compatriots and utterly
onomy. T h e n there's the Soviet Union, one of the
nmilitary aid to the folks inside Cambodia. It's not
ins aren't welcome, just that true gratitude toward
conquers by proxy—is a rare quality. Even if you
to win what out of all this (and be prepared for the
ategies at any moment), you shouldn't have any
oing to lose.

Y O U ' R E D A T I N G A C A M B O D I A N : Your date may be a
lives in a country occupied by 160,000 or so of its
tnamese. Your date may also be gone a lot; unless
ask too many questions. H e or she is probably out
of the three guerrilla groups still operating in the
across the T h a i border. If you are invited along,
cifically, which guerrilla group is your date work­
uk's band, no sweat; Sihanouk, who is admittedly
ries to play the big powers off against each other,
nterests at heart and has, at any rate, managed to

else. If it's either of the other groups, however,
promise to write. One, the apparently well-mean­
al Liberation Front, serves mainly as cannon-fod­
ame Khmer Rouge that tortured babies for faulty
me. And speaking of babies, don't be surprised if
hing you a bit on that score; the government is

POLI

encouraging Cambodians to propagate as fast as th
void left by the irrepressible Khmer Rouge.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S PAR

school French. True, the Cambodians were on
from the French Union back in the mid-Fiftie
goodbye to the last boatload of bureaucrats befo
marching into the country. And at least the Frenc
centuries, showed some appreciation for Cambod
French scholars, after all, who rebuilt Angkor W
other hand, got their ideas of civilization from Chi
culture were some kind of embarrassment—whic
bodians view Vietnamese culture, too. Speaking
date's parents of their son, the doctor, who was s
the rest of the professionals and intellectuals, whe
power but who, it's now rumored, may really be
Paris. It's all rather disorienting. T o cheer up you
show you around Phnom Penh, still a beautiful o
one of the few places in Asia where you don't h
the tap water, since there isn't any. Stroll throug
villas, being careful not to trip over the squatter
then have an early dinner at one of the city's te
second thought, make that lunch; you want to
hotel (one of the three in town at which you, as a
stay) in time for the 5 P . M . curfew.

CANADA

T H E LAYOUT: T h e second largest country in the w
Canada's other superpower neighbor), but with on
the state of California. Indeed, space, sheer spac
with cold a close second: T h e latter {not enhance
Canada recycles American programming anyway)
the population huddles within 100 miles of the U
is the most populous, most prosperous, most pow
industrialized (also, most resented) of the ten p
that go to make up the country; it also has th
biggest, most cosmopolitan city, Toronto. Queb
most populous province, with what used to be the
city, Montreal, plus the bulk of the whopping 2

TICAL SCIENCE 343

hey can, to fill the population

R E N T S : Brush U p On VOUr high
nly too happy to break away
es, but they'd barely waved
re all these strangers started
ch, who were around for five
dia's Indian heritage—it was
Wat. T h e Vietnamese, on the
ina; they act like Cambodia's
ch is pretty much how Cam­

French will also remind your
supposedly killed, along with
en the Khmer Rouge were in
e alive and well and living in
ur date's parents, get them to
old city, if a bit decayed, and
have to worry about drinking
gh some of the lovely French
rs sleeping on the sidewalk,
rrific French restaurants. On
be sure to get back to your
a foreigner, will be allowed to

world (after the Soviet Union,
nly a few more residents than
ce, is the salient feature here,
ed television reception, since
) explains why 75 percent of
United States border. Ontario
werful, most urban, and most
provinces and two territories
he capital, Ottawa, and the
ec is the largest and second
e biggest, most cosmopolitan
28 percent French-Canadian

344 AN I N C O M P L E T E

minority. Lately, the four
than North Dakota, have b
from all the oil and miner
England, on the other hand
building, and federal subsid

T H E SYSTEM: A federal union
minister (for most of the l
Johnny Carson of world po
Mulroney) tries to convinc
strong, united nation rather
the ten provincial premiers
a word, provincial, and tell t
their oil, uranium, nickel, a
picture: a governor-general
head of state, but he—and
There are two major politic
and the Progressive Conserv
second half of the phrase),
Parliament, of which the im
the Senate is merely appoin

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO

in that provinces-versus-Otta
dian politics, and it helps e
whether or not to secede fr
most dynamic of the western
her oil revenues, oil-develop
own business, and not Ott
created, in the mid-1860s, n
jittery Britain, worried abou
there's never been a revolu
help forge a Canadian identi
federal government possess
provinces (the reverse of th
provinces are firmly in contr
country), natural resources,
matters. As for that French-E
down since De Gaulle, on
declared, "Vive le Québec
Québécois tried (and failed)
eignty" for Quebec, but sep

EDUCATION

western provinces, formerly no more glamorous
been making themselves over with the proceeds
rals they sit on. T h e Maritimes, north of New
d, simply make do, with fishing, coal mining, ship
dies.

n—a very loose federal union, in which the prime
last twenty years, that was Pierre Trudeau, the
olitical leaders; now it's somebody named Brian
ce his countrymen that Canada's future is as a
r than a confederation of shopping centers, while
plump for priorities—and an identity—that are, in
the prime minister to keep his goldarned hands off
sbestos, natural gas, and/or newsprint. Also in the
who represents Queen Elizabeth II, the official
d, for that matter, she—is purely a figurehead.
cal parties, the Liberals (Trudeau's one of those)
vatives (like Mulroney, with the emphasis on the
and a two-house legislature, modeled on Britain's
mportant half is the elected House of Commons;
ted, and by the governor-general at that.

O R E A D T H E N E W S P A P E R S : T h a t 3. lot of the action is
awa tension. It's the goad (also the high) in Cana­
explain why Quebec gets to hold référendums on
rom the rest of the country and why Alberta (the
n provinces) gets to claim that not only her oil, but
pment program, and oil-marketing strategy, are her
tawa's. Part of the problem is that Canada was
ot from within, by patriots, but from without, by a
ut containing a reunited United States, and that
ution or a civil war—or even a serious project—to
ity. T h e other part of the problem is that Canada's
ses only those powers not already accorded the
e states'-rights setup here), which means that the
rol of health, education (a big issue in a bicultural

interprovince commerce, and quite a few other
English tension: Things have pretty much quieted
n a 1967 visit, stepped out on the balcony and
c libre!" True, René Lévesque and his Parti
) in 1980 to whip up majority support for "sover­
paratism—and the spectre of a new, independent,

POLI

volatile, and Gauloises-puffing neighbor just north
the topic it used to be.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A CAN

joke or two, that's what you need to know. (Thos
and your date's likely to be glum, shy, repressed
suggest, for an icebreaker, "Funny, Canada cou
ment, French culture, and American proficiency.
with French government, American culture, and
the laughter's died down, remind your date of th
dian biweekly, ran a contest in which readers w
phrase, "As Canadian as . . . ," and the winning
possible under the circumstances." Finally, quo
Brooke, who, on a North American visit a few de
ada is a live country—live, but not, like the Sta
your date should be ready to regale you with h
States as "the land of bilk and money"; alternativ
with you the fine points of his company's pens
early to start planning for a secure future, after all
awake, let your date know that you know that al
flow from south to north. Say thanks to your date
Saul Bellow, Joni Mitchell, Lome Green, and An
well as for the invention of insulin, pablum, and
above advice holds true only if your date is an En
he's a French-speaking one (in which case, he'll p
less shy, repressed, and decent), you'll have your
national anthem in French at the same time you
Canadians, you see, are worried about declining b
a fertility so relentless and intimidating that no
speaking of the "revenge of the cradle." And th
less longues in Quebec.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S PA

likely to be served tea and biscuits as coffee an
playing up, rather than muting, its ancestry. And
as-head-of-state business, either; turns out, for ex
Memorial Day weekend centers on Queen Victori
English have stopped bothering with). Moreover,
that London mailed them back the original of the
the 1867 document that serves as Canada's constit
last vestige of Canada's official—and totally surrea
Mother England. Second, that while you probabl

TICAL SCIENCE 345

h of Vermont—is simply not

N A D I A N : You need t O knOW a
se Canadian nights are long,
d, and painfully decent.) We
uld have had British govern­
So how come you wound up
d British proficiency?" When
he time Maclean's, the Cana­
were asked to complete the
g entry was "As Canadian as
te the English poet Rupert
ecades ago, observed, "Can­
tes, kicking." At this point,
his description of those very
vely, he may want to review
sion program: It's never too
l. Now, assuming you're still
ll the cultural currents don't
for John Kenneth Galbraith,
ne Murray, among others, as
d basketball. Of course, the
nglish-speaking Canadian. If
probably be just as glum, but
r hands full trying to sing the
dodge his advances: French-
birth rates—this after years of
on-French Canadians began
hose nuits canadiennes are no

A R E N T S : First, that you're as
nd apple pie: Canada is still
d it's not just that Elizabeth-
xample, that their version of
ia's birthday (which even the
, it was just a few years ago
e British North America Act,
tution and that had been the
al—"colonial" status vis-à-vis
ly won't be found unworthy

346 AN I N C O M P L E T E

as a suitor, you do have a few
rain, a Canadian dollar that
than its south-of-the-border
the fact that the U.S. contro
more than half of all Canadia
say about all those north-o
Chickens, not to mention th
rack? But don't panic. If yo
bering neither to tip your d
expect to borrow the famil
virtually assured.

T H E L A Y O U T : Located in the
Arabia and the Yemens, E
states and a Marxist strong
turned toward the Middle E
cut by valleys, and fringed a
topography that encourages
to get from one place to ano
ual hotspots: Eritrea, in the
province and the country's
southeast, a desert area that
both ethnically and cultura
another northern province
neighbor that gives sanctuary

T H E SYSTEM: Just your aver
Emperor Haile Selassie (wh
1930 coronation), who clai
Queen of Sheba, was depo
Council, better known as t
busied itself replacing Sela
one-party Marxist system co
erty, and tight government
the Dirgue's 120 members
Mengistu Mariam emerged
hand ever since, backed by
largest standing army in Blac

EDUCATION

w teensy p.r. problems to work out, including acid
t in seven years has gone from being worth more

counterpart to being worth thirty cents less, and
ols, through corporate investment and subsidiaries,
an mining and manufacturing. T h e n , what can you
of-the-border Burger Kings and Kentucky Fried
he National Enquirers, in the supermarket checkout
ou, unlike your government, play it cool (remem­
date's father when he opens the front door nor to
ly car for the weekend), the parental blessing's

ETHIOPIA

Horn of Africa, just across the Red Sea from Saudi
thiopia is a Christian nation flanked by Moslem
ghold with both feet in Black Africa and its face
East. Mostly high country studded with mountains,
at its outer edges by semi-desert, with the kind of
guerrilla fighting and makes it virtually impossible
other without ruining a set of tires. Its two perpet­

north, a former Italian colony, now an Ethiopian
only access to the sea; and the Ogaden in the
t cuts deep into the midsection of Somalia and is
ally Somalian. More recent headaches: Tigre,
now clamoring to secede, and the Sudan, the
y to Ethiopian rebels.

rage biblical empire until 1974. That was when
hose name, reggae fans, was Ras Tafari until his
med royal descent from King Solomon and the
osed by the Provisional Military Administrative
the Dirgue. For the next few years, the Dirgue
assie's feudal state with "scientific socialism," a
omplete with collective farms, nationalized prop­

control of the economy. Bitter infighting among
led, in 1977, to a shootout from which Colonel
as the country's leader. He's ruled with an iron
the Soviet-styled Ruling Workers' Party and the
ck Africa.

POLI

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPAPER

having a Marxist outpost so close to the Persia
spouts so much pro-Soviet propaganda and has
rest of Black Africa, and that the stories in your l
reflect this discomfort. You heard less about fami
Selassie's reign, although millions starved du
botched the distribution of U.S. aid at least as
ment did the last time around. But Selassie ma
U.S. and only "cordial relations" with the U.S
reversed as soon as the Dirgue took over. Ever
war with Somalia, the Soviets have been footing
neverending battles with secessionists in Eritrea
den. Whether Mengistu really thinks the Russian
for a nation of African subsistence farmers, or w
keep Soviet guns and ammo coming while he repl
chaotic wretchedness with a home-grown Marxi
weeklies something to debate in the absence of
Addis Ababa.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING AN

write; your date can't read. Government claims t
to just under 40 percent are probably wishful pr
people were illiterate just a couple of years ago, a
been too busy trekking to refugee camps in the in
school, even if there were any schools. Don't try
unless you're fluent in Amharic (the official langu
or one of 100-odd local dialects. And don't bothe
your date lives in a country with one of the low
world. Do bring sensible shoes; if you're lucky, y
and a government-issued plow and there will hav
to warrant your spending many hours together o
hiking boots; if you're not so lucky, your date w
Ethiopians being forced to relocate, either as pa
resettlement program, designed to move large
from the parched north to the wide open south
"villagization," aimed at getting the peasants off
more easily controlled communities. In either cas
with little food, and there's a good chance that if
to get where you're going, there'll be absolutely
and certainly no hot meal—waiting for you when

TICAL SCIENCE 347

RS: T h a t the U.S. frets about
an Gulf, especially one that
so much influence over the
local newspapers are likely to
ine in the north during Haile
uring 1973-1974, when he
badly as the current govern­
aintained close ties with the
S.S.R., a situation that was

since Ethiopia's 1977-1978
the bill for the government's
and Tigre, and in the Oga-
ns offer a model government
whether he merely wants to
laces the country's traditional
ist system, gives the news-
f any real information out of

ETHIOPIAN: Don't bother tO
that illiteracy's been reduced
rojections; 85 percent of the
and most of them would have
nterim to spend much time in
y to make small talk, either,
uage) or in Gallgina, Tigrina,
er to pack any fancy clothes;
est standards of living in the
our date will own a few oxen
ve been enough rain recently
out in the fields. Also bring
will be among the 30 million
art of the government's vast
segments of the population
h, or in the move known as
f their remote farms and into
se, you'll be traveling by foot
f you do survive long enough

nothing—no house, no job,
you arrive.

348 AN I N C O M P L E T E

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW TO

dices straight: T h e Ethiopian
themselves Arabs) and the
Ethiopians look down on t
Menelik, back in the ninete
Ethiopians") and the Soma
what you say. If your date's
Church, they're likely to b
was-choir-practice small talk,
of the government. And they
Church itself, which, in pre
viewed them, quite literally,
all steamed up about the fa
them as rabble, even though
tion. Your best bet: If your
comfortable, admire the new
speak of Colonel Mengistu
up in the mountains, in the
wear your "Born in the U.S
aircraft.

T H E LAYOUT: It's the second
Union), and the location's
sides—but, of course, the fa
(the Seine, Loire, Rhine, R
waterways they were back
efforts at decentralization,
Paris. Still, the place has ch
to carve the country into
everyone continues to divi
(Normandy, Brittany, Burgu
back in the Middle Ages. (W
remember that Province is
the Riviera in it—and that, t
provinces.")

T H E S Y S T E M : France is now
dating from the French Rev
collaborationist Vichy gover
Gaulle, respectively. Each h

EDUCATION

M E E T YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: First, get your preju­
ns have contempt for the Eritreans (who consider
Eritreans loathe their Ethiopian oppressors. T h e
the local Somalians (whom their great Emperor
eenth century, labeled " t h e cattlekeepers for the
alians revile the Ethiopians. Second, be careful
parents are Christians and members of the Coptic
e wary of anything but the most innocuous how-
, since the Church is now under the watchful eye
y may have pretty ambivalent feelings toward the
e-Marxist days, held 85 percent of the land and
, as serfs. If they're Moslems, they'll probably be
act that the Christian infidels have always treated

they make up an equal percentage of the popula­
r date's parents seem mainstream and reasonably
w propaganda billboards dotting the landscape and
as the country's savior. If your date's parents live
desert, or in a heavily fortified underground city,
S.A." T-shirt and watch out for low-flying Soviet

FRANCE

d largest country in Europe (counting the Soviet
nice—friendly neighbors, water views on three

acilities are hardly modern. T h e five famous rivers
Rhône, and Garonne) aren't the great commercial

when boats were smaller, and despite repeated
all roads still lead, literally and figuratively, to
haracter. Although recent governments have tried
tidy, homogeneous administrative départements,
de it, mentally, into the same anciens provinces
undy, Gascony, etc.) they were pledging fealty to
When chatting up the waiter in your local bistro,
the name of a particular provmce—the one with
to a Frenchman, everything that isn't Paris is "les

on its Fifth Republic. T h e four earlier republics,
volution, were ended by Napoleons I and III, the
rnment during World War II, and Charles de
had its own constitution and a somewhat different

POLI

internal organization. (Given that only de Gaulle,
ity, his incessant talk of "la gloire d e la France,"
was able to make any of these republics take r
suspecting that the French are ambivalent toward
and keep wondering if they might not, after all, pr
by a president elected for seven years—although
to step down midway through his second term—w
of any elected head of state; among these ar
National Assembly annually, to challenge existin
own prime minister, thus presumably assuring t
the four major political parties (one conservative
but-not-all-/to-socialist, and the feistiest Comm
rope) can regroup into complicated and potent pa
is both strong and hostile to the presidency, it
minister against each other, and cause the whole

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW T O READ THE NEWSPAPE

front, France is no team player. Determined to ta
place among the superpowers (third on the dai
Soviet Union), it has, especially since de Gaul
aimed at asserting its independence from America
at creating a strong Europe with—who else?—its
the creation of the European Common Marke
bomb back in 1960; withdrew militarily from N
U.S. and N A T O forces out of the country; was
the government of mainland China (long before w
maintaining a "special relationship" with which
faction no one else is speaking to at the momen
have a special feeling for the underdog (they've
tual advisors to any number of struggling Third W
matter of residual paternalism (up until a little o
France still had its empire and its mission civilatr
were dutifully singing the "Marseillaise" while
bombs on the walls of French colonial headquarte
ing pride in the fact that the French Revolution
that started it all.

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A FR

discuss, for hours on end, politics, philosophy, f
philosophy, the philosophy of politics, the politi
policy, t h e early films of Jean-Luc Godard, and
York art scene. Be conversant with trendy intelle

TICAL SCIENCE 349

, with his imperious personal­
" and his intimidating height,
root, you may be justified in
d the whole idea of a republic
efer a king.) France is headed
even de Gaulle knew enough
who has the strongest powers
re the power to dissolve the
ng laws, and to handpick his
the latter's loyalty. However,
e, one centrist, one socialist-
munist party in Western Eu­
atterns; when such a coalition

can pit president and prime
system to strain at its seams.

RS: That on the international
ake what it sees as its rightful
is, next to the U.S. and the
lle, adopted a foreign policy
an and Russian influence and
elf at the helm. It fought for
et; exploded its own atomic
N A T O in 1966, kicking both
s one of the first to recognize
we did); and makes a point of
hever radical Middle Eastern
nt. If the French do seem to

appointed themselves spiri­
World countries), it may be a
over twenty years ago, when
rice, many of these countries

t h e locals slapped plastique
ers) or simply of their endur­
was, after all, the revolution

RENCHPERSON: Be prepared to
foreign policy, the politics of
ics and philosophy of foreign
d what's wrong with the New
ectual theories (see page 333,

350 AN I N C O M P L E T E

for some tips on Post-Structu
your date what rock stars we
With any luck, your date w
écoles; if so, you'll not only
privy to what the leaders of F
partisan rhetoric. Otherwise,
government's policy of letting
try to modernize the econo
unions, you'll eat very well
which may be as much as 9
being out of work will allow
for causes. If you like seein
adventuresome Greenpeace e
little more off the beaten tr
might be just the ticket.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO

you say is going to precipit
pecking order of the Merovi
Third Empire as clearly as yo
likely to be a good deal mor
them more pleasure than to
an ignorant American who h
bourguignon, and hope that th
inevitably lead to an anti-Ame
regard as America's disastrous
American hegemonism" in g
the latest excesses of the Po
takes a xenophobic or anti-Se
of all, to a passionate discus
time you do manage to get y
leap to correct your grammar

EDUCATION

uralism), keeping in mind that intellectuals are to
ere to you and your friends back in high school.
will be a student or graduate of one of les grandes
get taken to the best restaurants, you'll also be
France are really thinking, en masse, behind their
, your date may well be unemployed, given the
g failing industries sink without a trace in order to
omy. Don't worry; thanks to France's ferocious
l on your date's unemployment compensation—
90 percent of his or her former salary. Anyway,
you and your date plenty of time to demonstrate
ng your name in the newspapers, try joining the
environmentalist group; if you prefer something a
rack, however, the Breton Liberation Movement

MEET YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: That almost anything
ate a history lesson. T h e French can recall the
ingian dynasty or the events that led up to the
ou can remember your last love affair, and they're
re entertaining on the subject; nothing will give
share the memories of their illustrious past with
asn't got one of his own. Relax, enjoy your boeuf
he talk doesn't turn to current events. This will
erican harangue revolving around what your hosts
s foreign policy and "the serious threat of Anglo-
general; to a family feud over French politics or
ope (and don't be surprised when either of these
emitic turn at the drop of a hat); or, perhaps worst
ssion of French literature during which, the one
your two centimes in, everyone at the table will
.

POLI

INDONESIA

THE LAYOUT: Wins the most-fragmented-nation
lesser islands, strung necklace-style along the equ
(Java's the most important of them, but you've he
and New Guinea, too.) Lushly tropical, with to
jungles, snakes, tigers, crocodiles, etc. Also, volca
most enticing assortment of natural resources, i
populous country in the world, and the most popu
people than Egypt, Iran, Turkey, and the Arabian
cally complex, however, with over 250 mutually un
nately, almost everybody's agreed to speak someth
much touted locally as the "purest" form of Mala

T H E SYSTEM: Another soldier state. This one bills
with a powerful president, elected by the Peo
(almost 200 members of which are presidentially a
a great country in which to be the incumbent). Cu
his fourth five-year term: Suharto, a former genera
solidly the army, in his opinion a "sociopolitica
much as a military force.

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPAPER

ended and first the Japanese, then the Dutch go
revolved around two men and two men only:
former, flamboyant and high-profile, fought for it
nationhood, became (in 1949) its first presiden
place, with Nehru, Nasser, Tito, and Nkrumah
aligned" leaders. At home, he adopted the aut
"guided democracy," dissolved existing political
by decree, and left the economy pretty much to

TICAL SCIENCE 351

A

award: six large and 13,662
uator, just south of Indochina.
eard of Sumatra, Bali, Borneo,
orrential rains, machete-proof
anic, fertile, and full of Asia's
including oil. T h e fifth most
ulous Moslem one, with more
n Peninsula combined. Ethni­
nintelligible languages; fortu­
hing called Bahasa Indonesia,
ay.

itself as a limited democracy,
ople's Consultative Congress
appointed, making Indonesia
urrent president, now serving
al whose power base remains
al agent of development" as

RS: That, since World War II
ot out, Indonesia's history has

Sukarno and Suharto. T h e
ts independence, guided it to
nt, and went on to take his
h, in the pantheon of "non-
thoritarian system he called

parties and decided to rule
o fend for itself. Abroad, he

352 AN I N C O M P L E T E

flirted heavily with the Chin
sia, grabbed the western pa
in a snit from the UN, the
munist coup against the an
Suharto his chance: He rem
coup), slaughtered 300,000
king, made nice with such pr
sia, and the Philippines, du
more or less successfully, on
solidation, and economic pl
Order." His two p.r. blund
colony of Timor and treatin
worse than Portugal had; a
friends with lucrative busine
Ferdinand Marcos.

WHAT YOU N E E D TO KNOW IF

country is, despite its surpri
potential Third World mode
though: You might point ou
"the mosaic that is Indonesi
nations (the other being "t
problem: how to achieve equ
instance, has way too many
60 percent of the total popul
underpopulated "Out Island
rich Sumatra, with most of th
the work while Java—site o
supper clubs—has all the fun
resources, coupled with a ta
envy. T h u s it's segued from
"setting up house" period
sisal, and tropical hardwoods)
ucts period, and, even as we
natural gas for when the oil
student, chances are he'll re
of the present (as well as t
miracle" talk. And be braced
date may, for instance, want
land and the Philippines, is

EDUCATION

nese Communists, "confronted" neighbor Malay­
rt of New Guinea from the Dutch, and withdrew
only nation ever to do so. An abortive pro-Com­
nti-Communist military in 1965 gave strongman
moved Sukarno (implicated as an engineer of the
Indonesian Communists, turned his back on Pe­
ro-West neighbors as Thailand, Singapore, Malay­
ug for oil, rejoined the U N , fixed his attention,
n such matters as political stability, national con­
anning, and called the whole program the "New
ders: gobbling up the tiny adjacent Portuguese
g its population—already ragged and run-down—
nd, more recently, rewarding loyal relatives and
ss deals in a way that makes some people think of

YOU'RE DATING AN INDONESIAN: That your date's
isingly low profile and predilection for sarongs, a
el and a force to be contended with. It's tricky,
ut how experts on economic development say that
ia" is one of the two most baffling of developing
he labyrinth that is India"). T h e single biggest
uality and unity among all those islands. Java, for
people for its size (more than 80 million, or about
lation), yet efforts to relocate a few of them in the
ds" haven't been very successful. Worse, big and
he oil but not that many people, feels it's doing all
of Djakarta, the capital, with its political life and
n. Indonesia's big advantage: that array of natural
alent for merchandising them that Macy's might
m its "exotic" period (spices and indigo), to its
(tea and coffee, tobacco, palm oil, rubber, tin,
), to its current trendy oil-and-petroleum-by-prod-
e speak, is probably readying copper, bauxite, and

runs out. Of course, if you're dating a university
esent the exploitation, repression, and corruption
the former) regime, so steer clear of "economic
d for the occasional show of independence; your
t to point out how his country, unlike, say, Thai­
not a "client state" of your country.

POLI

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S PA

first determine whether they are, like 90 percent
and if so, how Moslem. N o Indonesian is going
meini at you, but a few of them are keyed up
finagled Moslems out of political power, not to
the Javanese mysticism he favors on a par with I
once spent an idyllic three days exploring the mu
dam, don't make the mistake of talking sent
former long-term landlord. From the seventeenth
larly broad-minded nor particularly lenient, the D
worst side when they refused to get out even aft
had largely been won. Watch your tongue on th
well: Indonesia (then still the Dutch East Indies)
as the centerpiece of Tokyo's "Greater Co-Prospe

ITALY

T H E LAYOUT: Unlike Orion or the Great Bear, Italy
it's supposed to look like, an old boot, high-hee
trying to kick Sicily across the Mediterranean. You
pinpoint Rome about midway up the shin and Fl
cap. You'll run into trouble when you hit northern
of smoke seems to be issuing from the top of the
northern Italians would just as soon not share a
Mezzogiorno (i.e. everything south of Rome; pr
and smoke is a perfectly appropriate symbol for
country. T h e way the smoke seems to be disappe
makes sense, too, given northern Italy's historical
Across the top of the country stretch the Alps, n
effective at discouraging foreign invaders. T h e Ap
of the country, served for centuries to keep Italy
minded and to make it virtually ungovernable (re
many, only came together as a country 100 years
Mediterranean, lies the big, barren, mineral-ric
which is not only an integral part of Italy but a
changed in this part of the world; Sardinia has bel
Genoa, Pisa, Spain, and Savoy, and was a king
encompassing Turin. Just above Sardinia is the isl
Italian by culture and temperament, belongs, une

TICAL SCIENCE 353

A R E N T S : You should probably
t of the population, Moslem,

to quote the Ayatollah Kho­
p about the way Suharto has

mention his decision to put
Islam. Also, just because you
useums and canals of Amster­
timentally about Indonesia's
h century on, neither particu­
Dutch showed their absolute
ter the war for independence
e subject of the Japanese, as
) spent most of World War II
erity Sphere."

y actually resembles the thing
eled and in need of resoling,
u can, for convenience' sake,
orence just behind the knee­
n Italy, though, where a cloud

boot. Don't let it throw you;
an image with the backward
ronounced METSO-jyorno),
r the industrial heart of the
earing into the rest of Europe

ties with France and Austria.
nice for skiing but never very
pennines, running the length
y region- rather than nation-
emember that Italy, like Ger­
s ago). T o the west, in mid-
ch vacationland of Sardinia,

reminder of how times have
longed, in various periods, to
dom on its own for a while,
land of Corsica which, though
easily, to France.

354 AN I N C O M P L E T E

T H E SYSTEM: T h e world's m
dent elected every seven ye
Wednesday. There have, at
end of World War II, when I
the name of the game here;
to anyone else for very long.
lesser parties form complicat
tions at the track. How long
whether or not the PCI, the
invited to participate, and o
caught with their hands in
right to use a secret ballot o
traditionally, fostered moral
elaborate patronage system t
Each of Italy's twenty regio
one hand, keeps business h
leadership falls apart and, on
the general impossibility of
city limits, the Pope holds
which issues its own currenc

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW TO

off not reading t h e newspape
als, government scandals, un
and volcanoes, Italian headli
Zurich. But it pays to keep
captured, the economy rallie
crack down on the Mafia,
Neapolitan earthquake vict
shelters that they refuse to
economy, you won't get th
Most Italians—including ma
make their rent through th
omy," made up of business
union restraints and business
to say that life runs smoothl
warfare and of domination b
ened the country's resistanc
crisis. And its track record d
been an industrialized nation
fooled by: Italian Communi

EDUCATION

most fluid parliamentary democracy, with a presi­
ars and a new premier appointed, it seems, every
t any rate, been forty-odd governments since the
Italy ceased to b e a chaotic monarchy. Pluralism is
everyone has something to say and no one listens
T h e dominant Christian Democrat and numerous
ted coalitions the way some people play combina­
g any of these lasts, however, usually depends on
e strongest Communist party in the West, has been
on how adept the party leaders are at not getting
the cookie jar. ( T h e fact that Parliament has the
on everything except votes of confidence has not,
rectitude among the country's leaders; nor has the
that props up some of the more fragile coalitions.)
ons has its own bicameral government which, on
umming on the homefront whenever the national
n the other, adds to the bureaucratic red tape and
f getting things done. Meanwhile, inside Rome's
court as absolute monarch of the Vatican City,
cy, postage stamps, and passports.

O READ T H E NEWSPAPERS: That you might be better
ers. What with terrorist attacks, economic upheav­
nderworld vendettas, strikes, floods, earthquakes,
ines can make you want to book the next flight to

your cool. Before you know it, the terrorists are
es, a new government forms overnight, the courts
the buses start running again, and thousands of
tims become so attached to their prefab metal

move into new government housing. As for the
he real story by reading the stock market pages.
ny who are officially unemployed or "disabled"—
he country's hugely profitable "submerged econ­
ses small enough to be exempt from taxes and
ses that don't, legally, exist at all. N o n e of this is
ly in Italy, only that a history of near-continuous
by every variety of despot seems to have strength­
ce to disaster and heightened its appreciation of
oesn't look so bad when you realize that it's only
n since the 1940s. Another appearance not to be
sm, which functions more like the workers' rich

POLI

uncle than like anybody's Big Brother, and which
Afghanistan, allowed itself to be virtually excomm
than alienate its hometown constituency.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING AN

date's a man. A recent survey showed that Italian
to be "sweet and affectionate" homebodies, an
insist they'd never marry anyone who wasn't a
Italian woman, however, you might want to revi
E.R.A. Italian feminism may be mild by America
enough of an issue to be adopted by the Comm
touting women's rights in an effort to attract t
(And unless you want to look like a real cluck, d
and abortion have been legal in Italy since the 197
says.) Once you've got gender taken care of, t
you're dating a Milanese, for instance, it will p
Italian fashion magazines and dress accordingly,
the fashion and textiles industries are among the
country. If your date lives in Turin, congratulate
pulled into the black and prepare to discuss th
mobile, the law that ties wage hikes to price increa
those new snakeskin shoes, and has, for years, c
In the Mezzogiorno, you can skip all these form
big car.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S PA

depend. In the north, you should know somethi
instance, how to pronounce "Risorgimento" (the
teenth-century struggle to get out from under
country. You should know that Venice wasn't
mooners; that back when it was the trade link to
world's richest states and one of the few in thes
sion. You should know a little something about
especially if your date's folks are Florentines (se
be able to tell your Guelphs (supporters of the p
(supporters of the Holy Roman Emperors). In ot
crack a few textbooks. In the south, relax. Italia
newspapers than other Europeans, and the illiter
still hovers between 20 and 30 percent. Here, ho
love your date's family, because you'll be seeing
your date will almost certainly live at home, tha

TICAL SCIENCE 355

h, in the wake of Poland and
municated by Moscow rather

ITALIAN: N o t m u c h , if V O U r
n men still want their women
d almost 30 percent of them
a virgin. If you're dating an
iew all the arguments for t h e
an standards, but it's become
unist Party, which has been
the new Italian yuppie vote.
don't forget that both divorce
70s, no matter what the Pope
there's locale to consider. If
pay to study up on the latest
in deference to the fact that
e biggest profit-makers in the

him or her on the way Fiat's
he pros and cons of t h e scala

ases, allows your date to buy
crippled the Italian economy.
malities, provided you drive a

ARENTS: Well, again, that will
ing about Italian history; for
s sounds like a z), the nine­

foreign rule and unify the
always a mecca for honey-
o the Orient, it was one of the
e parts to resist enemy inva­
Renaissance art, of course,
e page 76), and you ought to
popes) from your Ghibellines
ther words, you may have to
ans on the whole read fewer
racy rate in the Mezzogiorno
owever, you'd better learn to
a lot of them. For one thing,
anks to the chronic housing

AN I N C O M P L E T E

shortage. For another, familis
people insist it's what really
family to like you? Simple.
don't rave about the Pope;
feel particularly put off by th
come to visit.) Then cultiv
provide someone in your da
these, your date's kid brothe
he could spend the rest of h
the train station.

THK LAYOUT: Doesn't call itse
nothing; this is as Far East
lago sweeping away from t
nearest neighbor (and forme
Nearly everyone lives on on
Shikoku, and Kyushu—that'
U.S., packed into an area ab
them have moved down to H

E EDUCATION

smo is stronger than ever these days; a lot of
y holds the country together. How do you get the
If you're not a Catholic, lie and say you are. (But

Italians never entirely trust the papacy and they
he current pontiff, who's never at home when they
vate a priest or a Communist politician who can
ate's family with a raccomendazione. With one of
er can get a job—or an old-age pension; without it,
his life selling bootleg American cigarettes behind

JAPAN

elf Nippon (literally, "land of the rising sun") for
as it gets. And as isolated. A 1,000-mile archipe­
the Asian mainland, Japan is separated from its
er territories), the Koreas, by the Sea of Japan.
ne of the four main islands: Honshu, Hokkaido,
s 120 million people, or half the population of the
bout the size of Montana. And now that so many of
Honshu's Pacific coast, to Osaka, Yokohama, or To-

POLI

kyo, the capital, to get a job in a big corporation, m
sun from over a neighbor's shoulder.

THE SYSTEM: A constitutional monarchy, symbolic
Hirohito who, though persuaded, after World W
scent from the sun goddess, still represents wha
unbroken chain of royal rulers—1,500 years' worth
had any real power in Japan). Under the current
occupying Allied forces in 1946 and tactfully a
1947, the Diet, or parliament, consists of a 252-m
and a House of Representatives about twice tha
prime minister who, with his eighteen-member c
tive branch. Because the conservative, pro-busine
has had control of the Diet since 1955, whoeve
agreed upon by a few L D P elders) to head the
minister. Although the L D P leadership is both f
Japanese talent for reaching consensus, combin
members in Japan's stratified society are not onl
old college drinking buddies, allows transitions
with a minimum of fuss.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW T O READ T H E NEWSPAPER

developed as an island nation, adjacent to but isol
with big-power countries. That, consequently, it
worry about being invaded; instead, it had the lu
own development while its neighbors wasted tim
ergy building up their defenses and patrolling th
probably be better off viewing Japan as the cataly
logical revolution—just as Britain was the major
revolution—than getting hot under the collar
another Japanese marketing success. Reassure you
protectionist trade policies and deadbeat attitud
amount to shirking global responsibilities, the c
economic problems. N o t the least of these is
outside sources for raw materials, including oil, w
omy vulnerable to political tremors in the rest of
Middle East.

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A JAPAN

papers have five to six times the circulation of the
your date's probably going to know a good deal m

TICAL SCIENCE 357

most Japanese watch the rising

cally headed by the Emperor
War II, to disclaim direct de­
at may be the world's longest

h although few of them, ever
t constitution, drafted by the
accepted by the Japanese in
member House of Councilors
at size. T h e Diet elects the
cabinet, makes up the execu­
ess Liberal Democratic Party
er is elected (more precisely,
e party is a shoo-in for prime
fragmented and fractious, the
ned with the fact that party
ly professional politicians but
in government to take place

RS: That, like Britain, Japan
lated from a continent loaded
t, like Britain, didn't have to
uxury of devoting itself to its
me, money, and psychic en­
heir borders. And that you'd
yst of a new, global, techno­
r force behind the industrial
every time you read about
urself, too, that while Japan's
de toward defense may well
country does have legitimate
a near-total dependence on
which makes the whole econ­
f the world, especially in the

NESE: Plenty. Japanese news­
eir American counterparts, so
more about what's going on in

358 AN I N C O M P L E T E

the world than you do. Yo
thing you learned in your c
erature, but don't count on
summer vacation since kin
shoplifting at t h e five-and-d
Civ. in a special cram schoo
on the fast track to Tokyo
thence, to lifetime employm
date's still in school, he's
pressure to make grades is
head-bashing are common.
girl, though. Japanese wom
tional revision of 1947, and
may want a job, but only to
one of the lucky ones wh
corporate giant, expect to h
(sing-alongs are a national o
of your social life. Your dat
ing at least three hours a d
whenever he gets a little fr
hours to spend with you—
gotten stuck working in one
mining, that have been fo
workers. If so, remember
lingering over together is go

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW T

bumping into things. Your d
than you, they'll also be co
tight spaces, since the averag
average American one. If yo
of that tea table!) to assure t
their magnificent country fo
certainly never see them ag
from having to arrange a ha
young Japanese man or wom
are still arranged by parents)
the family. It's not your tab
standards; it's just that you'
critics come right out and s
m e n t finally offered perman
boat people politely decline

EDUCATION

ou might score a few points by reeling off every­
college survey course on Medieval European Lit­
n it. Your date's never had more than a two-month
dergarten; while you and your friends were out
dime, he was boning up on English and Western
ol, hoping to make the grades that would put him

University or some other prestigious college and
ment with a status corporation. Of course, if your
s likely to be snappish or suicidal or both. T h e
so intense that teen suicide and graduation-night

(Don't worry about any of this if your date's a
men were only force-fed the vote by the constitu­
d feminism is hardly on the march here. Your date

o kill time until she gets married.) If your date is
ho landed a post with Mitsubishi or some other
have a ball at company picnics and hootenannies
obsession), although these will be about the limit
e will be working late six days a week, commut­
day, and getting fall-down drunk with his cronies
ree time. If your date does have more than a few
—and if he seems a little dazed—he may have
e of Japan's distressed industries, like steel or coal
orced to take the unheard of step of laying off

this isn't Detroit; that cup of coffee you'll be
oing to run you about $7, American.

O M E E T YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: H o w tO keep from
date's parents are not only going to be a lot smaller
nsiderably more accustomed to moving around in
ge Japanese apartment is about half the size of the
ou want to please your date's parents, rush (careful
them that you are, unfortunately, only able to visit
or a very short time; that, in fact, you will almost
gain after next Thursday. This will prevent them
asty marriage between your date and the suitable
man next door (about half the marriages in Japan
) in order to prevent any possibility of your joining
ble manners, abominable as these may be by their
're, well, different. Japan is such a closed—some
ay racist—society that when the Japanese govern­
nent asylum to 3,000 Vietnamese boat people, the
ed, explaining that they felt they'd fit in better in

POLI

the United States. Don't be too hard on your dat
the Japanese had had absolutely no exposure to
Meiji Restoration—which came in the wake of A
to open its doors to foreign trade (see page 55
country on its beat-them-at-their-own-game strate
technology—began flooding them with it in 186
was the very cohesiveness of Japanese society th
no resources to launch its "New Order," the drea
during World War II, expanded the limits of Ja
Taiwan, Indonesia, Indochina, Thailand, Burma,
ippines, part of the Soviet Union, and virtually
within torpedo distance.

MEXICO

T H E LAYOUT: South of the border—and no bord
contrasting standards of living than the U.S.-Mex
a lot of contrast within Mexico, too: between t
chilly inland mountain ranges; between a few
(most notably Mexico City, on the verge of wresti
from Shanghai) and tens of thousands of remote
the rich, who may or may not fly to Houston fo
poor, who may or may not make their living by
trash heaps. In area, the third largest country in
and Argentina), and with 82 million people—113
2000—the second most populous (after Brazil).

TICAL SCIENCE 359

te's parents. Remember that
Western thinking before the
Admiral Perry's forcing Japan
57) and which launched the
egy of appropriating Western
8. And keep in mind that it
hat allowed a tiny island with
am of empire that, at its peak
apan to include what is now
Korea, Manchuria, the Phil­
y every Pacific island group

V

der ever separated two more
ico one. Not that there isn't
tropical coastal lowlands and
huge, unmanageable cities
ing the "world's largest" title
rural communities; between
or the day to shop, and the
picking through smoldering
n Latin America (after Brazil
million expected by the year

360 AN I N C O M P L E T E

T H E S Y S T E M : A blend of dem
the latter. Technically a fe
but dominated since 1929 b
the virtual exclusion of a
power, a little in the manne
preceded him; of course, the
Because members of the Se
and because in Mexico the
president, the country's pol
to electioneering—or to gett

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO

of oil boom (and hog-heave
producer of the stuff, has
complete with skyrocketing
and a peso worth roughly on
it owes $24 billion to comm
seems less and less able to p
illegal-alien arrests—a coup
involve Mexicans hoping to
Valley or watering some grin
it would take them a whole
supplier of marijuana and he
of its cocaine. That the P.
matter what t h e level, for
seems like such a great mo
shares a 1,952-mile border
headaches go, "Mexican st
second only to "the Soviet

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW IF

the best of moods. If he's r
the duplex in town, the ha
there's the Learjet to get fro
be annoyed by government
percent rent increase on hi
chanted by not only the P.
including the Communists,
probably be bingeing on bur
the other hand, he may hav
cotts a couple of years ago.
year's inflation rate of 90 pe

EDUCATION

mocracy and authoritarianism, with the emphasis on
ederal republic, with contending political parties,
by the Institutional Revolutionary Party (P.R.I.) to
all others. T h e President enjoys almost mystical
er of the Aztec emperors and Spanish viceroys who
ey didn't have to step down after six years in office.
enate and Chamber of Deputies must do likewise,
e legislature is pretty much a rubber stamp for the
liticians are more attracted to the bureaucracy than
ting things done.

R E A D T H E N E W S P A P E R S : T h a t after four or five years
en prosperity), Mexico, the world's fourth-largest
s been plunged into full-throttle economic crisis,
g inflation, dwindling foreign-exchange reserves,
ne-twentieth what it was worth a decade ago. That
mercial banks in the U.S. and that every year it
pay it. T h a t something like 94 percent of all U.S.
ple of million a year (and that's just the arrests)—
o land a job harvesting tomatoes in the Sacramento
ngo's garden in Beverly Hills for the $3.35 an hour
day to earn back home. T h a t Mexico is the largest
eroin to the U.S. market, and a conduit for a third
.R.I, has won every single Mexican election, no
t h e last fifty-seven years. T h a t Mexico no longer
odel of maturity and civilian rule. That the U.S.

with Mexico. That, in short, as foreign-policy
tability" ranks, in the minds of many diplomats,
menace."

Y O U ' R E D A T I N G A M E X I C A N : T h a t he may not be in
rich, there's no problem: You'll have the choice of
acienda in the hills, or the villa on the coast, and
om one to the other by. If he's middle class, he'll

corruption, conspicuous consumption, and the 70
is two-bedroom apartment; he'll also be so disen­
.R.I, but the largely toothless opposition parties,

that, far from shouting Ché-style slogans, he'll
rritos again. (If he's from Chihuahua, up north, on
ve helped organize election-fraud sit-ins and boy­
) If he's an urban squatter, still reeling from last
ercent (and the stench from the open sewers), he