An Incomplete Education - 3,684 Things You Should Have Learned but Probably Didn't

POLIT

Let's hope he's younger than forty, which is the aver
golese man these days. Keep an eye on your guy. If
of garden hose as a necklace, he's probably a Mai-M
Rwandan teenage militia fighters who are still
province, near the Rwandan border. The Mai-M
water protects them from bullets and allows them t
up for the next round by cannibalizing their ene
doesn't?

If you date a civilian, he might work as forced
extracting diamonds, gold, or the ever-more-valua
cell phones, to be smuggled out of the country. O
opportunities are pretty much limited to raising cas
ing plastic flip-flops from a bicycle. T h e average Co
all earns about a dollar a day in the better neighborh
the war-torn east. Don't expect big meals, but do ex
wretched your date's condition. Congolese music is
war destroyed Kinshasa's music industry, wildly po
and danced everywhere.

Do you need to be reminded to practice safe s
We'd shock you with the dizzying H I V rates but, w
these days and the fact that so much of the popu
polio, malaria, and plague or just terminally run dow
nizations won't even hazard a guess.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S P
you may be called upon to explain why the C I A ba
known as Mobutu Sese Seko) overthrow of Patrice
mumba won Congo's first national elections. That
War, the D R C was strategically positioned, and
Commie sympathizer like Lumumba run the countr
spend the next thirty years propping up the klepto
questionable taste in hats and the unbridled enthus
the World's Most Corrupt and Repressive Dictator
He was on our side. Remind your date's parents that
we began to feel uncomfortable with Mobutu's inte
when rebel armies were about to march on Kinshasa
he no longer had our support. It wasn't our fault tha
thuggish, Rwandan-backed rebel leader whom we h
out to be just as bad. Anyway, no harm done—or n
sassinated just a year later.

Point out to your date's parents (trying not to sou
go's troubles really started back in 1885, when Belgi

TICAL SCIENCE 357

rage life expectancy of a Con­
f he shows up wearing a piece
Mai. They're the rabidly anti-

tearing it up all over Ituri
Mai are convinced that magic

to fly. They also like to pump
emies, but around here, who

labor in the mines, illegally
able coltan, a mineral used in
Other than that, employment
ssava behind your hut or sell­
ongolese who earns money at
hoods, eighteen cents a day in
xpect to party, no matter how
s legendary, and although the
opular ndombolo is still played

sex? You're in A I D S country.
what with the ubiquity of rape
ulace is already out sick with
wn, most humanitarian orga­

PARENTS: If you're American,
acked Joseph Mobutu's (later
e Lumumba a year after L u ­
t one's easy. It was the Cold
we couldn't let a suspected
ry, could we? And why did we
cracy of Mobutu, despite his
siasm with which he pursued
r award? That's a no-brainer:
t once the Cold War was over,
ernational image and in 1997,
a, we made it clear to him that
at Laurent Desire Kabila, the
helped put in his place, turned
not that much; Kabila was as­

nd too patronizing) that C o n ­
ium's King Leopold II tricked

35» AN I N C O M P L E T E

the European powers carving
most of the Congo River basi
that he was on a humanitarian
heart of Africa safe for Chris
Free State into a forced-labo
rubber. His agents raped, mur
failed to meet their daily rub
under his rule. (But surely y
Leopold's brutality gave rise
In 1907, faced with internatio
the country the Belgian Cong
unrest caused the Belgian go
and head for the airport.

Now, as you squat together
stead of food, keeping an ey
brows of plague-ridden relativ
the Congo, things could be w

THE LAYOUT: Ethiopia used
Horn of Africa, just across th
venerable Christian strongho
firmly in black Africa and its
came a militant Marxist outp
Then the country's sense of g
loss of strategic importance a
ing in 1993, when Eritrea, the
only access to the sea, formall
all one can safely say about E
is one of only two black Afric
caped colonial rule in the nin
1895 but, having been thorou
was forced to content itself w
your own country hasn't turne
tral plateau seamed with deep
one freaked-out traveler put
seems to have lost her temper
It is, at any rate, the kind of r
fare seem like a sensible altern
or so different ethnic groups

E EDUCATION

g up the African continent into letting him claim
in as his personal property. Having convinced them
n mission to halt slavery in the region and make the
stianity and capitalism, Leopold turned his Congo
or camp from which he extracted a fortune in wild
rdered, and routinely cut off the hands of those who
ber quotas; an estimated ten million Africans died
your date's parents can be proud of the fact that
to the world's first mass human rights movement!)
onal scandal, the Belgian state took over. It renamed
go and ran it as a colony until 1960, when riots and
overnment to hurriedly grant Congo independence

r in the dense jungle underbrush, sharing stories in­
e out for boys carrying A K - 4 7 s , and soothing the
ves, you can remind your date's parents that, here in
worse.

ETHIOPIA

to stand tall, even without shoes. Located in the
he Red Sea from Saudi Arabia and Yemen, it was a
old flanked by Muslim states, with its feet planted
s face turned toward the Middle East. Later, it be­
post in spine-tingling proximity to the Suez Canal.
geographical identity, already under stress from its
t the end of the Cold War, took a further hammer­
e northern coastal province that provided Ethiopia's
ly won its thirty-year battle for independence. Now
Ethiopia is that it's got a lot of mountains. Ethiopia
an countries—Liberia is the other—that largely es­
neteenth and twentieth centuries. (Italy invaded in
ughly trounced in the ensuing war with the locals,
with colonizing Eritrea.) But in this case, owning
ed out to be all that much fun. Primarily a high cen­
p valleys and fringed by semi-desert, Ethiopia is, as

it, "a terrain o f crag and precipice, where Nature
r with the landscape or to have become demented."
radically divisive topography that makes tribal war­
native to recipe-swapping among the nation's eighty
s. It has also encouraged Ethiopians to lose touch

POLIT

with the outside world—and their leaders to lose
turies at a time.

THE SYSTEM: AS of when the constitution was adop
(officially, the Federal Democratic Republic of Eth
cally based regions, each of which has considerable
cede. At the federal level, there are a president elected
who heads the government and selects the Council
liament, a supreme court, and enough political parti
tacularly fractious land. It all looks promising on pa
actually works. And really, why should it? Ethiopia,
was just your average biblical empire until 1974. That
lassie (whose name, reggae fans, was Ras Tafari up u
claimed royal descent from King Solomon and the
(and later strangled in his bed) by the Provisional Mi
better known as the Dergue. For the next few year
placing Selassie s feudal state with "scientific socialism
complete with collective farms, nationalized property
hold on the economy. Bitter infighting among the
1977, to a shoot-out from which Colonel Mengistu
try's leader. Mengistu's rule, characterized by militan
coupled with a short-man complex, lasted for seven
nickname "the black Stalin." During this period, he
standing army in black Africa, which, with the help
troops, allowed him to keep a lid on the rebellions
Ethiopian province. Finally, in 1991, with the Sov
back him up, Mengistu was routed by a loose coalitio
the Ethiopian People's Revolutionary Democratic F
catch the next flight to Zimbabwe, where he'd been
time. Since then the E P R D F , which took over a
lacked an army, navy, air force, police department, m
an infrastructure, has been struggling—with limite
human-rights record—to keep Ethiopia from spl
groups. O f course, all this may have changed by th
EPRDF's claim that it won the 2005 election, am
brought violent protests and a brutal clampdown by
back to the old brutally-repressive-government cauld
tle while, seemed to have to cope with only famine,
ethnic resentments, and fallout from violence in near

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPAPE
Cold War, which destroyed the country's standing a

TICAL SCIENCE 359

e touch with reality—for cen­

pted in 1994, a federal republic
iopia) comprising nine ethni­
autonomy and the right to se­
d for six years, a prime minister
of Ministers, a bicameral par­
ies to grind every ax in a spec­
aper, but of course, none of it
formerly known as Abyssinia,
t was when Emperor Haile Se­
until his 1930 coronation), who
Queen of Sheba, was deposed
litary Administrative Council,
s, the Dergue busied itself re­
m," a one-party Marxist system
y, and a government strangle­
Dergue s 120 members led, in
Mariam emerged as the coun­
nt Marxist-Leninist orthodoxy
nteen years and earned him the
e managed to build the largest
of Soviet weapons and Cuban
s percolating in virtually every
viet Union no longer around to
on of rebel groups calling itself
Front (EPRDF) and forced to
n scouting real estate for some
country that, oops, suddenly
money, or anything resembling
ed success and a questionable
lintering into warring ethnic
he time you read this; the the
mid charges of election fraud,
the government. So it may be
dron for a nation that, for a lit­
extreme poverty, centuries-old
rly every neighboring country.

ERS: That from the end of the
as the Western powers' strate-

36o AN I N C O M P L E T E

gic outpost in the Horn of Afr
elections, you had to turn to
about your local ones) to find
In the absence of accessible
world-class famine, as there w
tion of the Western press—a
the potential starvation of mi
Live Aid concert. Things ha
with violent Islamic fundamen

It's true that, since the ove
come into print. Unfortunate
jailed, or exiled for writing ab
tion program, in which thous
the deforested, eroded soil of
tsetse-fly-infested lowlands n
promised resources awaited th
home again, weighing even
of the battles raging in the
Anuak have been ambushing
being, observers say, ethnical
government-controlled) radio
flying above those decrepit
landscaping in Addis Ababa
of Pan-Africanism and of E
development funds instead of

By the way, should you dec
pers for global awareness, y
Israeli/Ethiopian plot to stea
goes, the two governments h
that will divert the water cur
paranoid thread to appear as
ter, diplomat, or grandmother
lifted to Israel during the war

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW I
write; your date can't read. De
few actual attempts at schoo
around 43 percent—that is, pr
be fair, educating the populac
there are likely to be no roads
tainly no hot lunch to fortify
nated textbook about the so

E EDUCATION

rica, to the massive violence that followed the 2005
at least page sixty in the major newspapers (forget
d out whether there even was an Ethiopia anymore.
oil or mineral reserves, only the threat of another
was in 2003, seemed sufficient to attract the atten­
and even then, journalists seemed less interested in
illions than in the possibility of a sequel to 1984's
ave picked up, however, since we became obsessed
ntalism. Ethiopia's surrounded by it.
erthrow of Mengistu, hundreds of newspapers have
ely, hundreds of journalists have also been killed,
bout the EPRDF's stunningly unsuccessful reloca­
sands of subsistence farmers were transported from
f the central plateau to the outlying mosquito- and
near the Sudan border, where hardly any of the
hem and from which they were quickly bused back
less than before. Nor will you see many accounts
western Gambella region, where the indigenous
g the more recently arrived Highlanders and are
ly cleansed in return. Meanwhile, on the (entirely
o and T V (and yes, there are plenty of T V antennas
huts) you may be treated to reports of the new
a, part of the city's ongoing bid to be the capital
thiopia's never-ending struggle to attract foreign
f just emergency ones.
ide to turn to the Arab or Muslim African newspa­
you will, sooner or later, learn of the dastardly
al the life-giving waters of the Nile. As the story
have for some time been conspiring to build dams
rrently shared with Egypt and Sudan. Expect this
a hard news "account" every time an Israeli minis­
(remember all those Ethiopian Jews who were air­
with Eritrea) gets off a plane in Addis Ababa.

IF YOU RE DATING AN ETHIOPIAN: Don't bother to
espite a couple of decades of hand-wringing and a
ol construction, Ethiopia's literacy rate still hovers
retty much where it was a couple of decades ago. To
ce has its challenges. Even where there are schools,
leading to them, no teachers to run them, and cer­

anyone for an afternoon's slog through some do­
ongbirds of eastern Maine. Nevertheless, in rural

POLIT

areas, Ethiopian kids who do attend school tend to
since getting there each day offers them the oppo
running, which is something of a national sport.

If your date's a girl, of course, literacy will be le
both have plenty to think about before you jump
dizzying H I V infection rate; an absence of birth co
spite an average life expectancy of forty, the popula
the famine of 1984; and certain complications resul
experience with genital mutilation.

Oh well, every relationship has its difficulties. Yo
a good cup of coffee together. (And who needs
Ethiopia, as every Starbucks regular can tell you,
world's best coffee. However, since the bottom dro
market, your date may, like many others, have turne
instead, which yields at least three times the profit.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S
trying to make small talk, unless you're fluent in Am
Galligna, Tigrigna, or one of nearly a hundred loca
prejudices straight: the Ethiopians resent the Eritre
Arabs and who, after a really, really long civil war, f
from the Ethiopian Republic in 1993. They left,
only access to the sea, but the divorce seems to h
freer or happier. Landlocked Ethiopia no longer h
Eritrea has the seaport but lacks anything to ship,
pute between the two countries perennially threaten
ans look down on the local Somalis (the Muslim
southeastern province, which you have every right
malia next door), whom their nineteenth-century E
cattlekeepers for the Ethiopians." T h e Amhara, l
the northern highlands, feel superior to all other
their perennial rivals, the Tigreans. The Tigreans,
derappreciated; they were the ones who led the f
their efforts at peaceful, pluralistic nation-buildin
sides. The southern Oromo, who comprise about
have been poor and powerless for centuries; now th
not going to take it anymore, although as far as a
agenda. If your date's parents are among the Amha
try currying favor with stories of your days as an
form of the ancient, powerful, and once staggerin
Church, was the official state religion and, for sixt
of upper-class Ethiopian life, right up until Sela

TICAL SCIENCE 361

view the experience favorably,
ortunity to practice marathon

ess of an issue than sex. You'll
p into bed, such as Ethiopia's
ontrol so widespread that, de­
ation has nearly doubled since
lting from your date's personal

ou will at least be able to enjoy
s food when you're in love?)
, is famous for producing the
opped out of the world coffee
ed to raising the narcotic khat
. Either way, you'll be buzzin'.

S PARENTS: First, don't bother
mharic (the official language),
al dialects. Second, do get your
eans, who consider themselves
finally won the right to secede

taking with them Ethiopia's
have left neither party feeling
has access to shipping routes,
and an unresolved border dis­
ns the uneasy peace. Ethiopi­
m residents of Somaliland, a
t to confuse with Muslim S o ­
Emperor Menelik labeled "the
light-skinned aristocrats from
r Ethiopians and resentful of
, also from the north, feel un­
final assault on Mengistu, yet
ng are drawing fire from all
40 percent of the population,
hey're mad as hell and they're
anyone can tell, they have no
ra or Tigrean elite, you might

altar boy. Christianity, in the
ngly rich Ethiopian Orthodox
teen centuries, the foundation
ssie's downfall. Proceed with

362 AN I N C O M P L E T

caution, however: Mengistu d
nationalizing its vast land hol
priests. And if your date's par
anyway. Don't expect to win
rhapsodizing about the prosp
ally want to make a good imp

THE LAYOUT: T h e location's
sides—but of course, the facil
instance (the Seine, Loire, R
mercial waterways they were
efforts at decentralization, al
Paris. Still, the place has cha
It's now officially divided into
partements, and 36,000 com
carve it into the same geograp
tany, Burgundy, Gascony, etc
Ages. (When chatting up the
is the name of a particular pro
a Frenchman, everything tha
main property, a wide variety
the island of Corsica, for inst
any number of former posses
mother country, from Guade
Polynesia, and Adélie Land.
usually has openings even in

THE SYSTEM: France is now o
ing from the French Revoluti
orationist Vichy government
respectively. Each had its own
ganization. Given that only d
sant talk of "la gloire de la Fran
any of these republics take ro
much the French liked the ide
a king. France is headed by
vested with greater powers tha
for an American president or
vine Right). Among these ar

E EDUCATION

did a pretty good job of discrediting the Church by
ldings and killing, cowing, or co-opting most of its
ents are peasants, they're probably Muslim converts
any points by gushing about Mengistu's defeat or
pect—however dim—of democratic rule. If you re­
pression, just bring lunch.

FRANCE

lovely—friendly neighbors, water views on three
lities are hardly modern. T h e five famous rivers, for
Rhine, Rhône, and Garonne), aren't the great com­

back when boats were smaller, and despite recent
l roads still lead, culturally and administratively, to
aracter. And it has undergone extensive renovation:
o twenty-two regions, ninety-six administrative dé­
mmunes, although mentally everyone continues to
phically distinct anciens provinces (Normandy, Brit­
c.) they were pledging fealty to back in the Middle
waiter at your local bistro, remember that Provence
ovince—the one with the Riviera in it—and that, to
at isn't Paris is "tesprovinces."). In addition to the
y of time-shares are available in exotic locales—on
tance, which is officially a region of France, and in
ssions that still maintain administrative ties to the
eloupe and Martinique to New Caledonia, French
T h e latter, by the way, is located in Antarctica and
high season.

on its fifth republic. The four earlier republics, dat­
ion, were ended by Napoleons I and III, the collab­
t during World War II, and Charles de Gaulle,
n constitution and a somewhat different internal or­
de Gaulle, with his imperious personality, his inces­
nce, " and his intimidating height, was able to make
oot, you may be right in suspecting that, however
ea of a republic, some part of them still hankered for
a president elected for five-year terms, who is in­
an just about any other elected head of state (except
two who have apparently believed they ruled by Di­
re the right to dissolve the National Assembly, to

POLIT

challenge existing laws, and to handpick his prime
suring the latter's loyalty However, the major po
form complicated and potent opposition alliances
minister against each other in a hostile "cohabitatio
to strain at its seams.

Throughout most of the Fifth Republic, politic
though, heaven knows, never neatly—among four
neo-Gaullists, the non-Gaullist right, the Socia
Lately however, things have become messier. Th
their former conservative allies have joined force
Movement (UMP), a coalition that was formed to
tious and full of rivalries that it may well have the o
nists haven't had much clout since at least the 19
under François Mitterrand, ran the country from 1
ing a not-ready-for-prime-time coalition of leftist
midst of major social upheaval, has been largely con
of gay marriage. Even the party of the far right, Je
xenophobic National Front, which has never been
its platform (Down with Muslims! Down with Je
back where they came from!), has split into two riv
to settle before casting your vote.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPAPE
know what a neo-Gaullist is. Unfortunately, no one
help with the prefix; see page 638). Gaullism was
by Charles de Gaulle's presidency (1959-69), but
presidency was a matter of personal charisma, bein
mean you subscribed to all of his policies. T h e h
however, the insistence that France be able to surv
pending on—or taking orders from—any foreign
Since the end of World War II, France has hardly
player. Determined, throughout the Cold War, to t
place among the superpowers (third on the dais nex
Soviet Union), it adopted a foreign policy aimed
from both American and Soviet influence and at c
itself at the helm. It fought for the creation of the C
to keep Britain out); exploded its own atomic bomb
itarily from N A T O in 1966, kicking U.S. and N A
was one of the first to recognize the government of
the United States did; and made a point of mainta
with—which usually meant selling arms or pluto
Middle Eastern country nobody else was speaking

TICAL SCIENCE 363

minister, thus presumably en­
olitical parties can regroup to

that pit president and prime
on," causing the whole system

cal power has been divided—
major forces: the conservative
alists, and the Communists.
e neo-Gaullists and most of
es as the Union for Popular
o win elections but is so frac­
opposite effect. The Commu­
980s, and the Socialists, who,
1981 to 1995, have been lead­
parties whose agenda, in the
nfined to debating the wisdom
ean-Marie L e Pen's stridendy
known for the complexity of
ews! Send all the immigrants
val factions. Wait for the dust

ERS: It would certainly help to
e really does (although we can
the political ideology defined
since so much of de Gaulle's
ng a Gaullist didn't necessarily
heart of Gaullism was and is,
vive on her own, without de­
n power. The practical effect:
y been what you'd call a team
take what it saw as its rightful
xt to the United States and the
at asserting its independence
creating a strong Europe with
Common Market (and fought
b back in 1960; withdrew mil­
T O forces out of the country;
f mainland China, long before
aining a "special relationship"
onium to—whichever radical
to at the moment. Merely by

364 AN I N C O M P L E T E

saying non to whatever the s
itself as a country that sto
aggrandizing, semisincere wa
nations everywhere. The end
fence to sit on and worse, wit
position to the U.S. invasion
sense of national unity, but
right—the French are always
side?)

Meanwhile, the task of un
noying, requiring all sorts o
shares—the French hadn't cou
L o o k for shifting alliances—
France struggles to get a grip
the new balance-of-power ga

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF
discuss, for hours and hours o
itics of philosophy, the philos
French fdm industry (be sure
hardy perennial, what's wrong
tual theories (see page 337 fo
that intellectuals are to the F
in-law. If you're lucky, your da
grandes écoles—the elite univer
and industrial leaders—and yo
four-star restaurant (but brace
the universities—which your
icanization eroding the Frenc
few, he or she will either atte
that constitute the rest of Fra
scarf or yarmulke away in you
his days boning up on the Ko
10 percent of France's populat
employment rate, which is th
the lucky ones to have landed
fortable shoes; you'll be spend
ernment's attempts at reformi

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW T
thing you say is going to prec
succession of kings in the Me

E EDUCATION

superpowers wanted, France was able to position
ood on principle (which, in a self-serving, self-
ay, it did) and was the champion of nonaligned
d of the Cold War, however, left France without a
hout a cause. (For a brief period in 2003, fierce op­
n of Iraq provided the French with an exhilarating

it couldn't last. Sure, the French knew they were
s right—but was it G o d or Allah who was on their

niting Europe has turned out to be remarkably an­
of risks and sacrifices—of jobs, prestige, market
unted on and which further divided public opinion.
—particularly with her old nemesis Germany—as
p on geopolitical reality and jockeys for position in
me.

F YOU'RE DATING A FRENCH PERSON: Be prepared to
on end, politics, philosophy, foreign policy, the pol­
sophy of politics, the politics and philosophy of the

to let your date take the lead on that one), and that
g with America. Be conversant with trendy intellec­
or some tips on deconstruction), keeping in mind
rench what N A S C A R drivers are to your brother-
ate will be a student at, or a graduate of, one of the
rsities that turn out virtually all of France's political
ou'll do your endless debating over foie gras at some
e yourself for a diatribe against affirmative action in
date will cite as another heinous example of Amer­
ch way of life). If your date isn't one of the chosen
end one of the overcrowded, underfunded schools
ance's university system (be sure to tuck that head­
r backpack before entering the classroom) or spend
oran at one of the country's many madrassas (nearly
tion is now Arab and Muslim). Given France's un­
he highest in Europe, your date may not be one of
d some low-level office job. In that case, wear com­
ding a lot of time in the streets, protesting the gov­
ing the social welfare system.

TO MEET YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: T h a t almost any­
cipitate a history lesson. The French can recall the
erovingian dynasty or the events that led up to the

POLIT

Third Empire at least as clearly as you can remem
they're likely to be a good deal more entertaining o
will give them more pleasure than to share their ill
American who hasn't got one of his or her own.
guignon, and hope that the talk doesn't turn to curre
lead to an anti-American harangue revolving arou
America's criminally misguided foreign policy and
American hegemonism," as exemplified by Euro Di
television shows (although they may grudgingly app
runs), and the mess in the Middle East. It will be
tle compassion. Remember that your date's pare
disconnect between the quasi-mythical France the
of democracy, the most civilized country in the wo
unfortunate enough not to be French—and the p
unemployment, rising crime rates, and a failing ec
isn't even French anymore. To be sure, immigran
hordes for a hundred years, but it was always under
new arrivals was to assimilate, to become true Fren
up living in ghettos and working as street sweepers.
country's six million or so immigrants of Arab desc
to be different; they flatly refuse to eat charcuterie a
the language. The whole thing has been a terrible b
Try to cheer them up. Engage them in a passionat
ture, during which, the one time you do manage
everyone at the table will gleefully leap to correct y

GERMANY

THE LAYOUT: Even before reunification, in the fall o
had more people (sixty-two million), more neighb
national product (well over a trillion dollars) than an
cept the Soviet Union, at the time still a player, tha
funny how corporate-takeover language seems
eighteen million enthusiastic, if famously careworn
well as a long border with Poland and what had b
economy in the Soviet bloc. Flat and Protestant
down south (the latter tendencies culminate in the
like Italy, is crawling with cities, including dirndle
furt, minked-out Diisseldorf, and chicly understated
long competed for German cultural, financial, and/o
Berlin (she's the one in the leather miniskirt) bec

TICAL SCIENCE

mber your last love affair, and
on the subject; in fact, nothing
ustrious past with an ignorant

Relax, enjoy your boeuf bour­
ent events. This will inevitably
und what your hosts regard as

"the serious threat of Anglo-
isney, McDonald's, American
preciate those Golden Girls re­
difficult, but try to have a lit­
ents are struggling with the
ey grew up in—the birthplace
rld, a role model for everyone
present-day reality of chronic
conomy. Why, France herself
nts have been arriving by the
stood that the main job of the
nchmen—even if they did end
. Today many of the beurs (the
cent) are demanding the right
and don't even bother to learn
blow to your hosts' self-image.
te discussion of French litera­
to get your two centimes in,
your grammar.

of 1990, West Germany alone
ors (nine), and a bigger gross
ny other European country ex­
anks for asking. T h e merger—
right at home here—added
, East Germans to the mix, as
been by far the second biggest
up north, hilly and Catholic
e Alps of Bavaria), Germany,
ed Munich, pinstriped Frank­
d Hamburg, all of which have
or industrial primacy. In 1999,
ame Germany's capital again,

366 AN I N C O M P L E T E

taking over from longtime sta
log). Meanwhile, in the east, m
fit and a babushka, and Dresd
those industrial fumes from th
the Baltic Sea. T h e Ruhr Va
heart of the country; the Rhin
and automatic coffeemakers to

THE SYSTEM: Federal republic
Freistaaten, or free states, all w
accident, this; the United Sta
and a two-house legislature, t
Bundestag. There's a presiden
Adenauer; Willy Brandt; and
this writing, Angela Merkel, t
Germany, to lead the country
tudes of coalition—rather tha
basis for the shifts in politica
leftward-drifting Social Dem
Democrats (who, allied with
power from the early 1980s t
Greens (both fewer in numbe
Also to be factored in: a whole
fascist skinheads are only the

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
to be a lot less Western than w
1945 and the three-power All
gether with its Adantic-lookin
roughly what the English, F
seemed merely "other," neithe
nor Eastern (all onion domes
itself proud with its imitation
and industry; its close collabo
culture and commerce; and its
of which it became somebody
Moreover, its long-standing p
attempting to take the pulse of
enemy, Russia, may actually ha
ders were opened, the two cou
with a constitution that spec
boundaries of NATO, those

E EDUCATION

and-in Bonn (in something from a mail-order cata­
make a note of Leipzig, in a shiny new jogging out­
den, in a gas mask, the only sensible response to all
he Czech Republic billowing northward en route to
alley, practically in Holland, is the manufacturing
ne flows right through it, carrying cars, chemicals,
o the rest of Europe and the world.

c, made up of thirteen Lander, or lands, and three
with powers similar to those of American states (no
ates was the postwar influence in West Germany),
the important—and elected—half of which is the
nt, but the big deal is to be chancellor (like Konrad
d the two Helmuts, Schmidt and Kohl; and, as of
the first woman, and the first former citizen of East
y). As in so many European countries, the vicissi­
an the reversals of head-to-head elections—are the
l power. Here the major players are the moderate,
mocrats, the conservative, pro-Atlantic Christian

the far-right Christian Socialists of Bavaria, held
to 1997), plus the liberal Free Democrats and the
er but with the power to make or break elections).
e slew of ultra-nationalist parties, of which the neo-
most photogenic.

O READ THE NEWSPAPERS: That Germany turns out
we'd all been thinking it was. In fact, it's only since
lied occupation that anybody's been lumping it to­
ng neighbors and assuming that the Germans want
French, Dutch, etc. do. Before that, the country
er Western (all craft guilds and splashing fountains)
and howling wolves). Granted, Germany has done

of the American model in matters of government
oration with traditional-enemy France in matters of

integration into the European Union, in the course
y you could once more invite to family gatherings.
olicy of Ostpolitik (ost means "east," by the way), of
f and preserve the dialogue with its other traditional
ave paid off; when the Wall came down and the bor­
untries were already practiced schmoozers. In fact,
cifically forbids military involvement beyond the
are the only foreign affairs the Germans, lacking

POLIT

France's nuclear capability, blue-water navy, long-s
interests, and silver tongue, could legally conduct. To
Germany who blew its allies' minds by waking up
recognize Slovenia and Croatia, and it was Germany
of N A T O and the European Union to take in Poles,
and so on, thereby shoring up its security, as well as w
throughout Mitteleuropa. And it was Germany wh
to the U.S. invasion of Iraq—although she then sto
room while the French hogged the spotlight and to
the Germans have embraced with near-religious ferv
II has begun to give a little, with German forces par
tervention in Bosnia and later in Afghanistan. Para
underwrite all those réunification costs, resettle al
and deal with a huge and increasingly restive jobles
keep Germany busy—and homebound—for the for

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A G
two easy-to-distinguish models, the Wessis and t
East German secret police.) T h e Wessis are the
West Germans, with their pigskin bags and B M W
and habits for which their country has long been
that ost again—are stuck with the polyester and the
tletrap Wartburgs and Trabis they drove over from
that the Wessis are hostile and patronizing; Wessis
clear just how expensive, inconveniencing, and en
ness was going to be, and note that the Ossis are g
viously forgotten how to work. As resentments co
skinheads—with their Doc Martens and baseball
their signature chants of "What do they want her
"Oi, oi, oi," but they're being forced to share the h
photo ops) with a rising number of alienated teen
and Uzbekistan, who fill their empty after-school
and bashing in the heads of their German-born cla

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S
your date's parents don't like Americans, it's just th
conversational land mines, of which the Holocaust
try to avoid too many references to reunification—
priced one. Even if Vati and Mutti have manag
Porsche factory and the little beer brewery down t
standard of living (the envy of the entire industrial
south for a while now and, given all the tax increase

TICAL SCIENCE 367

standing African and Mideast
oday, all that's changing. It was
p one morning and deciding to
y who pressed for a broadening
, Czechs, Slovaks, Hungarians,
winning points, and customers,
ho first spoke out in opposition
ood prudendy at the back of the
ook the heat. Even the pacifism
vor since the end of World War
rticipating in NATO's 1995 in­
anoiacs take heart: The need to
l those Balkan asylum seekers,
ss population should suffice to
reseeable future.

GERMAN: Essentially, there are
he Ossis. (The Stasi were the
e relatively well-to-do former
s , plus all those rules and laws
notorious; the Ossis—there's
simulated leather and the rat­
Thuringia in. Ossis complain
s insist that it was never made
ndless this reunification busi­
gauche and slow and have ob­
ontinue to simmer, Germany's
bats—are on the march, with
re, anyway?" and the eloquent
headlines (though not yet the
nage immigrants from Turkey
hours by playing video games
assmates.

S PARENTS: Acfl. It's not that
hat there are so many potential

is only the most obvious. Also
—a triumph, yes, but a high-
ged to keep their jobs at the
the road, the postwar German
lized world) has been heading
es meant to defray the costs of

368 AN I N C O M P L E T E

reunification and make sure
where to curl up for the nigh
month-long holidays and big
tomed to. You could talk cultu
tellectual holy trinity, Marx, F
and Hegel and Goethe and N
even that will backfire if som
dark, heavy, unrelenting stuff
compare Germany to other
France. While it's true they re
of her more glamorous neighb
twelve centuries of consolidat
ever watched her with envy an

I

THE LAYOUT: Wins the most
thousand islands, about six th
style along the equator, just s
them, but you've heard of Sum
tropical, with torrential rains
crocodiles, etc. Also volcanic,
of natural resources, includin
world (after China, India, and
lim one, with more people tha
combined. Ethnically comple
languages and dialects; fortuna
Bahasa Indonesia, much toute

THE SYSTEM: A former soldie
The president is the major po

E EDUCATION

the hordes of refugees and their kids have some­
ht, they've had to say good-bye to those fabulous
g unemployment checks everybody got so accus­
ure: German was, after all, the language of that in­
Freud, and Einstein, nor is there any ignoring Kant
Nietzsche, not to mention all the composers, but
meone in the group wonders aloud where all that
f ever got Germany. Which reminds us, try not to

countries, and especially don't compare her to
emain ostensibly the best of friends, too much talk
bor may remind Germany how (1) she doesn't have
ted national identity to fall back on, and (2) nobody
nd admiration when she took to the dance floor.

INDONESIA

t-fragmented-nation award: more than seventeen
housand of which are inhabited, strung necklace-
south of Indochina. (Java's the most important of
matra, Bali, Borneo, and New Guinea, too). Lushly
, machete-proof jungles, snakes, tigers, elephants,
, fertile, and full of Asia's most enticing assortment
ng oil. T h e fourth most populous country in the
d the United States) and the most populous Mus­
an Egypt, Iran, Turkey, and the Arabian Peninsula
ex, with over three hundred mutually unintelligible
ately, everybody's agreed to speak something called
ed locally as the purest form of Malay.

er state struggling to survive as a baby democracy.
wer player here. Previously, the presidency was de-

POLIT

cided by a thousand-member People's Consultativ
cent of whom were appointed by the president—wh
try in which to be the incumbent. In 2004, the pres
vote for the first time. New rules also dictated a max
(Suharto, Indonesia's last strongman, had just begu
was forced to step down in 1998). There is now a 5
sentatives and a restructured M P R comprising the
four reps from each of the country's thirty-two pro
here is Pancasila, the five principles—literally—on w
founded: belief in a single supreme god (almost a
one's neighbors (all 210 million of them), nationalis
tice, all of which add up to a sort of live-and-let-liv
of-Woodstock thing. (In practice, government he
exercise in enriching oneself and one's circle of frien
Although the armed forces have, for the first time,
political duty, Indonesia's military, which has serve
base since independence, remains the only thing in
tional institution, so don't expect the generals to r
anytime soon.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPAPE
years before the country recovers from the effects of
in mind, a little modern history might also help. Fro
when first the Japanese and then the Dutch were kic
sia's history revolved around two men and two men
(One-word names are common in Indonesia, esp
flamboyant and charismatic (with an adman's gift fo
many others, both "Pancasila" and "the year of living
independence, guided it to nationhood, became, in
went on to take his place, with Nehru, Nasser, Tito
theon of "nonaligned" leaders. At home, he adopted
called "guided democracy," dissolved existing politica
and left the inflationary economy pretty much to fen
with the Chinese Communists, set out to crush ne
1963, the "dangerous" year), grabbed the western h
Dutch, and withdrew in a snit from the United
Communist coup against the anti-Communist mili
Suharto his chance: He removed Sukarno (implicate
though, thirty years later, nobody really knows w
somewhere between 100,000 and a million Indonesia
else who got in the way, turned his back on Peking, m
neighbors as Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, and th

TICAL SCIENCE 369

ve Assembly (MPR), 60 per­
hich made this a great coun­
sident was elected by popular
ximum of two five-year terms
un his seventh term when he
50-member House of Repre­

members of the House plus
ovinces. The governing ethos
which modern Indonesia was
any god will do), concern for
sm, democracy, and social jus­
ve, unity-in-diversity, shades-
ere has traditionally been an
nds at the country's expense.)
, been officially excused from
ed as the ruling party's power

the country resembling a na­
retire to little fishing villages

ERS: That it will be at least ten
the 2004 tsunami. With that
om the end of World War II,
cked out, until 1998, Indone­

n only: Sukarno and Suharto.
pecially in Java.) The former,
or slogan-making, e.g., among
g dangerously"), fought for its

1949, its first president, and
o, and Nkrumah, in the pan­
d the authoritarian system he
al parties and ruled by decree,
nd for itself. Abroad, he flirted
eighbor Malaysia (that was in
half of New Guinea from the
d Nations. An abortive pro-
itary in 1965 gave strongman
ed as an engineer of the coup,
what happened), slaughtered
an Communists plus anybody
made nice with such pro-West
e Philippines, dug for oil, re-

37° AN I N C O M P L E T E

joined the United Nations, fix
agricultural self-sufficiency, an
the "New Order." His two bi
Portuguese colony of East Tim
run-down—even worse than P
old friends with lucrative b
millions of dollars. Still, Suh
Nineties, when Indonesia was
economic crisis, the worst dro
helpful advice from the Interna
tians and workers teamed wi
buddies knew it was time for h
three successive presidents did
lure back foreign investors whi
made headlines with bombin
including the slaughter of 1,2
independent East Timor—ra
By the time of the 2004 elec
waxing nostalgic for the law-
willingness to contemplate th
what they got.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF
suming that your date is %.p
from a family that's been in In
ally does work the land, growi
a rubber plantation, or in a
hogany trees—Indonesia's go
tory shelling shrimp or makin
hours a day for a fraction of t
date's a woman, like the majo
old child). Labor laws, like m
course, some pribumi have ma
cadre of technocrats who are
Berkeley, and a wave of trendy
of sex and the city (known loc
ping the bestseller lists (adm
donesians, as a whole, read; s
no Saudi Arabia—yet). By th
Indonesia is an impressively m
the population, most of them
keeps growing), keep an eye o

E EDUCATION

xed his attention on such matters as national identity,
nd industrial growth, and called the whole program
g P R blunders: gobbling up the miniscule adjacent
mor and treating its population—already ragged and
Portugal had; and rewarding his wife, children, and
business deals worth, conservatively, hundreds of
harto managed to hang on to power until the late
s battered, more or less simultaneously, by the Asian
ought in fifty years, and the results of a lot of un­
ational Monetary Fund. When Arabs joined Chris­
ith students in mass protests, even Suhartos best
him to resign. From 1998 until the elections of2004,
d their uninspired best to stabilize the economy and
ile the poverty rate tripled, Islamic extremist groups
ngs in Bali and Jakarta, and separatist violence—
200 people by government-backed militias in newly
ged from one end of the archipelago to the other.
ctions, Indonesia's moderate Muslim majority was
-and-order days of the generals and showed a new
he return of a father figure in uniform. Which is

YOU'RE DATING AN INDONESIAN: Let's begin by as­
pribumi, a "son of the earth," i.e., an ethnic Malay,
ndonesia forever. More likely than not, he or she re­
ing rice or cloves or peanuts or sisal, or sweating on

bauxite mine, or cutting down giant teak or ma­
t it all. Alternatively, your date may work in a fac­
ng shoes or rolling cigarettes, working ten to twelve
the $2.50 minimum hourly wage (especially if your
ority of Indonesia's factory workers, or a nine-year-
most other laws of the land, are rarely enforced. O f
anaged to get themselves educated; in fact, there's a
famous locally for all having studied economics at
y thirtysomethings whose racy chick-lit evocations
cally as wang sastra or "fragrant literature") are top­
ittedly not a great challenge, given how little In­
still, it is taken as encouraging evidence that this is
he way, how open-minded are you about religion?
mixed bag. Besides all those Muslims (88 percent of
moderates, though the number of fundamentalists
out for a considerable Christian minority, Hindus,

POLIT

Buddhists, the mystics of Java, and the volcano- (o
mists of the outer islands. Now, let's think about
live (sorry, don't mean to rush you). The odds fav
boasts all the big-city excitement—video arcades,
and most of the picturesque courtly refinements y
sia, not to mention 60 percent of the country's popu
Also a possibility: Bali, predominandy Hindu a
standing vacation destinations—that is, until Jem
Islamic terrorist group, bombed a packed nightclu
Bali tourist industry to a halt. You'll want to think
in the devastated, mosdy Muslim province of Ace
Sumatra, where, even before the tsunami hit on
170,000 people dead and missing and another half
of civilians had been killed in the crossfire betwee
troops since the mid-Seventies; or on Sulawesi, Ind
where Muslims and Christians have been snuffin
with homemade bombs, guns, and bows and arrow
state of emergency and bleeding both from decad
from clashes between the regions Muslims and its
lations; or in Kalimantan, the Indonesian part of th
indigenous Dayak people, enraged by the influx o
Suharto's massive transmigration program, killed a
chased thousands more right off the island; or eve
once known as the Spice Islands, where Muslims a
together until about 1999, when they began slaugh
sands. Peace accords brokered in some of these are
have reduced the violence to sporadic skirmishes
ings, but separatist sentiment, religious conflict,
mind-boggling government corruption, and the fea
with the growing influence of Jemaah Islamiyah
Qaeda wannabes are likely to keep property values
ago for some time to come.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S
prospective in-laws almost surreally laid-back; try
most Indonesians their age, were brought up to e
plays of ambition. For fifty years, they managed to
ios for them—Communism in the 1960s, Islami
well as separatism, Indonesia's worst-case scenario
how they feel now that the last two, unleashed in t
the post-Suharto years, are today's in-your-face rea
of foreign investors has meant that your date's par

TICAL SCIENCE 371

or soybean-) worshipping ani-
where you and your date will
or your settling in Java, which
, supper clubs, gay bars, etc.—
you're likely to find in Indone­
ulation in 7 percent of its area.
and one of the world's long­
maah Islamiyah, a homegrown
ub in 2002, bringing the entire
twice before buying real estate
eh, on the northwestern tip of
December 26, 2004, leaving
a million homeless, thousands
en separatists and government
donesia's fourth-largest island,
ng each other quite efficiently
ws; or in Papua, currendy in a
des-old secessionist battles and
s Christian and animist popu­
he island of Borneo, where the
of outsiders brought in under
a couple hundred migrants and
en in the Moluccas, the chain
and Christians lived peacefully
htering each other by the thou­
eas over the last couple of years
and occasional church bomb­
, widespread unemployment,
ar of another tsunami, coupled
h, Laskar Jihad, and other Al
s low throughout the archipel­

S PARENTS: YOU may find your
y to remember that they, like
eschew confrontation and dis­
o avoid our worst-case scenar­
ic militancy in the 1980s—as

for itself. So there's no telling
the laissez-faire atmosphere of
alities of life. At least the flight
rents no longer have to sit by

AN I N C O M P L E T E

and watch as the rice paddies
(Although they still have to w
rainy season as a result of ou
still take solace in the islands
wayang, the famous shadow
buffalo-hide puppets, and occ
of a screen, depending on whe
and reality, illusion and reality
would miss, and for no extra c
forty-piece percussion orchest
into the next century Don't ru
cent colonial past. Yes, we kno
exploring the museums and ca
to be on your date's parents' lis
on, when they established cont
of a sense of fair play (also of h
in the late 1940s, when they r
dence had largely been won. A
(then still the Dutch East Indi
of Tokyo's "Greater Co-Prospe

THE LAYOUT: Unlike Orion's B
thing it's supposed to look like
trying to kick Sicily across the
pinpoint Rome just behind the
run into trouble when you hit
seems to be issuing from the
Italians would just as soon not
(i.e., everything south of Rome
perfectly appropriate symbol f
smoke seems to be disappearin
northern Italy's historical ties
country stretch the Alps, nice
foreign invaders. The Apennin
centuries to keep Italy region-
ally ungovernable (remember t
try only in the last century).
barren, mineral-rich vacationl
of Italy but a reminder of how

E EDUCATION

s of their childhoods are turned into golf courses.
watch all their quality topsoil rush by during the
ut-of-control logging practices.) Most likely, they
s' arts-and-crafts, sarongs-and-amulets traditions:
w-puppet shows, featuring elaborately painted
casionally humans, that you watch from either side
ether you want to monitor the figures or—illusion
y—their shadows, is the one no Winnetka tourist
charge it's often backed up by a game/an, an up-to-
tra that should satisfy your craving for gongs well
in a pleasant evening by bringing up your hosts' re­
ow, back in college you spent an idyllic three days
anals of Amsterdam, but the Dutch still aren't likely
st of favorite people. From the seventeenth century
trol over Java, the Dutch were famous for their lack
humor), and they showed their absolute worst side
refused to get out even after the war for indepen­
As for the Japanese, just remember that Indonesia
ies) spent most of World War II as the centerpiece
erity Sphere."

ITALY

Belt or the Great Bear, Italy actually resembles the
e: an old boot, high-heeled and in need of resoling,
e Mediterranean. You can, for convenience's sake,
e kneecap and Florence at about mid-thigh. You'll
t northern Italy, though, where a cloud of smoke
top of the boot. Don't let it throw you; northern
t share an image with the backward Mezzogiorno
e; pronounced "METSO-jyorno"), and smoke is a
for the industrial heart of the country. The way the
ng into the rest of Europe makes sense, too, given
s with France and Austria. Across the top of the

for skiing but never very effective at discouraging
nes, running the length of the country, served for
- rather than nation-minded and to make it virtu­
that Italy, like Germany, came together as a coun­
To the west, in mid-Mediterranean, lies the big,
and of Sardinia, which is not only an integral part
times have changed in this part of the world; Sar-

POLIT

dinia has belonged, in various periods, to Genoa, P
was a kingdom on its own for a while, encompassi
is the island of Corsica, which, though Italian by c
longs, uneasily, to France. And on 100-plus acres w
court as absolute monarch of the Vatican City.

THE SYSTEM: O n the surface, the world's most flu
with a president elected every seven years and a new
often seems, weekly. There have been fifty-nine
more by the time you read this) since the end of Wo
to be a chaotic monarchy. Lots of political parties t
five years, the inevitable winners were the center
keeping them in power was Italy's way of ensuring
Communist Party in the West, would never get it
door, at any rate; ever pragmatic, the Christian D
PCI in through the service entrance). This formul
the Cold War, when Italy decided to cast its lot wi
ern Europe, to its end, when, the "Communist thr
the PCI having changed its name to the Democrat
tem began showing signs of dry rot. In the early
scandals finally laid low the Christian Democrats
just about everyone who was anyone in politics and
of people to wonder if this whole Italy idea belonge
for the first time, the country demonstrated the mi
of a steamrollered cartoon cat. In 2001, media mogu
est man in Italy, became prime minister, heading a r
party, Forza Italia ("Go Italy!" after a soccer chant
power longer than any head of government since M
certainly helped that he controlled, directly or indire
media, including 90 percent of its television netw
ployed a hefty portion of the country's electorate; a
judicial system, he successfully avoided prosecutio
fraud, bribery, money laundering, conflict of intere
misdeeds.) Meanwhile, back in the real world, each
its own bicameral government, a situation that, on o
ness humming on the homefront whenever the n
and, on the other, adds to the bureaucratic red tape
and the general impossibility of getting any real wo

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPAP
(rough translation: "bribe city"), the nickname for t
dals that swept the country in the early 1990s, Itali

TICAL SCIENCE m

Pisa, Spain, and Austria, and
ing Turin. Just above Sardinia
culture and temperament, be­
within Rome, the Pope holds

uid parliamentary democracy,
w prime minister appointed, it

governments (quite possibly
orld War II, when Italy ceased
to choose from, but for forty-
r-right Christian Democrats;
g that the PCI, the strongest
ts foot in the door (the front
Democrats usually husded the
a held from the beginning of
ith Western rather than East­
reat" having disappeared (and
tic Party of the Left), the sys­

1990s, a series of corruption
, discrediting, along the way,
industry and prompting a lot
ed in the recycle bin. But, not
iraculous regenerative powers
ul Silvio Berlusconi, the rich­
right-wing coalition led by his
t), and managed to remain in
Mussolini. (How'd he do it? It
ectly, nearly all of Italy's mass
works; that he personally em­
nd that, by tinkering with the
on on charges of accounting
est, and other equally colorful
h of Italy's twenty regions has
one hand, tends to keep busi­
national leadership falls apart
e, the opportunities for graft,
ork done.

PERS: T h a t after Tangentopolt
the cataclysmic political scan­
ians seemed ready to usher in

374 AN I N C O M P L E T E

a new era of squeaky-clean go
elected Berlusconi. Tangenti,
level corruption practiced reg
ganized crime, as opposed
specializes in, flourishes throu
omy and a thoroughly entrench
jobs and contracts are treated
as your average Italian citizen
most Italians, including many
ually make their rent through
omy," made up of (1) business
and (2) businesses that don't le
nality makes for a society tha
you, and not at all on the publ
ous warfare and of domination
ened the country's resistance to

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW I

where your date lives. In Milan
at fancy restaurants now than
all northerners seemed to be ri
omy. But don't count on it: S
tend to ignore the huge dispar
yuppified north and its largel
The divergence of lifestyles is
party whose platform for man
independent nation called Pad
the adoption of the euro, the
ratism to xenophobia and its
workers who migrate to the n
Albanians and North African
Italy—in the regions of Tusca
remain loyal to what's left of th
Democratic Party of the Left
Communism—the Italian ver
uncle than as anyone's Big Br
from Moscow for failing to to
politics—or for that matter, co
car. It might pay, however, to
branches—Cosa Nostra in Sic
Sacra Corona Unita in Puglia—
rent job parking cars or makin

E EDUCATION

overnment. But this was still Italy, after all, so they
which refers specifically to the big-bucks, high-
gularly by politicians, business tycoons, and or­
to the nickel-and-dime mazzetta everyone else

ughout Italy thanks to a vast state-controlled econ­
hed system of political patronage in which all state
as spoils of war by the dominant parties. Outraged
n was by the extent of Tangentopo/i, the fact is that
y who are officially unemployed or disabled, habit­
the country's hugely profitable "submerged econ­
ses small enough to avoid taxes and union restraints
egally exist at all. This two-tiered system of crimi­
t runs rather smoothly on the private level, thank
lic one. Keep the faith; a history of nearly continu­
n by every variety of despot seems to have strength­
o disaster and heightened its appreciation for crisis.

I F YOU'RE D A T I N G A N ITALIAN: It all depends On

n, you may have an easier time getting reservations
you would have back in the booming 1980s, when
ich and Italy became the West's fifth-largest econ­
tatistics that look grim for the country as a whole
rity between Italy's still-prosperous, industrialized,
ly unemployed, agricultural, donkey-riding south.
so extreme that the separatist Northern League, a
ny years centered on making northern Italy into an
dini, is a political force none dare snicker at. (Since
Northern League has shifted its focus from sepa­
s targets from the thousands of southern Italian
north in search of factory jobs to the thousands of
ns who do the same.) If your date lives in central
any or Emilia-Romagna—he or she will probably
he P C I , Italy's Communist Party, now renamed the
t. Don't start lecturing your date on the evils of
rsion always functioned more as the workers' rich
rother, and the P C I was virtually excommunicated
oe the party line. In the Mezzogiorno you can skip
onversation—altogether, provided you drive a fancy
memorize the names of the local organized-crime
cily, Camorra in Naples, 'Ndrangheta in Calabria,
—to one of which your date probably owes his cur­
ng pizzas.

POLI

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S P
depend. In the north you should know something
stance, how to pronounce risorgimento (the s soun
nineteenth-century struggle to get out from und
gionalism, and unify the country. You should kno
mecca for honeymooners: Back when it was the t
one of the world's richest states and one of the few
invasion. You should know a little something abo
especially if your date's folks are Florentines, and y
Guelphs (supporters of the popes) from your Ghib
Roman Emperors). In other words, you may hav
the south, relax. Italians on the whole read fewer
peans, and the illiteracy rate in the Mezzogiorno
percent. Here, however, you'd better learn to love y
be seeing a lot of them. For one thing, your dat
home, thanks to the chronic housing shortage.
strong around here; a lot of people insist it's wha
gether. But evenfamilismo may be doomed: Thank
with their big-shot careers divorce is on the rise (
of the U.S. rate), and Italy now has the lowest birt

MEXICO

TICAL SCIENCE

PARENTS: Well, again, that will
g about Italian history, for in­
nds like a z, the g is soft), the
der foreign rule, overcome re­
ow that Venice wasn't always a
trade link to the Orient, it was
w in these parts to resist enemy
out Renaissance art, of course,
you ought to be able to tell your
ellines (supporters of the Holy
ve to crack a few textbooks. In
newspapers than other Euro­
still hovers between 20 and 30
your date's family because you'll
te will almost certainly live at
For another, familismo is still
at really holds the country to­
ks to those snooty northerners
although it's still about a third
thrate in the world.

376 AN I N C O M P L E T E

THE LAYOUT: South of the bor
more contrasting standards of
contrast within Mexico, too: b
mountain ranges; between a fe
ico City, the capital and, at clo
tropolis in the world, after T
remote rural communities, stil
between a hard-nosed, entrep
a hard-pressed, blanket-wearin
taken over) planting Indian po
ican country. The Yucatan Pen
hotels doing bad imitations of
southeast. Nearly all the oil—
serves of it—lies along the so
poorest state, where, on New
Indians traded in their sombr
machine guns, nesdes up again
over the last couple of decades
bly plants called maquiladoras.
ner: Tijuana (San Diego) and

THE SYSTEM: Don't be fooled:
much of a democracy as one of
Soviet Union's demise, the co
became the longest-governing
ary" part of the name has bee
least the 1930s) political party
until the 1990s, never losing a
sured of a solid majority in bot
of the country's thirty-one go
mystical powers, in the traditio
American strongmen everyw
down after six years. That wa
local custom known as the ded
and "the tap on the shoulder,"
party's candidate to succeed h
vibes inside and outside the PR
row but wildly celebrated vict
Change. Fox's election prom
promises of reform but, block
both houses of Congress and
get much real work done. The

E EDUCATION

rder—and no border separates, however laxly, two
f living than the U.S.-Mexico one. There's a lot of
between tropical coastal lowlands and chilly inland
ew huge, unmanageable cities (most notably Mex­
ose to twenty million people, the third-largest me­
Tokyo and New York) and tens of thousands of
ll waiting for running water, electricity, and sewers;
reneurial, sure-we-know-what-Prada-is elite, and
ng, maize- (or poppy-, where the drug cartels have
opulation larger than that of any other Latin Amer­
ninsula, complete with Mayan pyramids and Hyatt
f them, juts out into the Caribbean from Mexico's
—and Mexico has the world's seventh-largest re­
outhern Gulf, not far away. Chiapas, the country's

Year's Day of 1994, perennially exploited Mayan
eros for wool ski masks and their guitars for sub­
nst Guatemala. On the U.S. border are towns that,
s, have become cities, thanks largely to the assem­
The two biggest, each with an adjacent U.S. part­
Ciudad Juarez (El Paso).

: Until the elections of 2000, Mexico was about as
f those West African soldier states. In fact, with the
ountry's Institutional Revolutionary Party, or PRI,
g (since 1928), most entrenched (the "revolution­
en, in some circles, a reliable laugh-getter since at
y in the world, never losing a national election and,
an election at any level at all. Being perpetually as­
th houses of Congress and the backing of nearly all
overnors endowed Mexican presidents with almost
on of Aztec emperors, Spanish viceroys, and Latin
here. One difference: The president has to step
s never a problem for the PRI, thanks to a quaint
dazo, translated as both "the pointing of the finger"
which allows the incumbent president to name his
him. In July of 2000, however, a confluence of bad
RI caused the system to break down, giving a nar­
tory to Vicente Fox of the opposition Alliance for
pted much dancing in the streets and euphoric
ed at every turn by the PRI, which still dominates
numerous states, the president hasn't been able to
e framers of the 1917 constitution weren't thinking

POLIT

in terms of checks and balances. As of this writing,
make a comeback in the presidential election of 20

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ T H E NEWSPA
on whether hopes for genuine democracy—what
cause of the ho-hum performance of a president wh
into gold overnight or because Mexico's constitutio
democracy-friendly. It certainly isn't set up to turbo
crawling toward first-world status on its knees, carr
flowers on its back. (One example economists inva
ico sits on huge oil and natural gas reserves but h
United States because the law restricts private inv
and the government can't afford to finance explorat
ico is desperately dependent on foreign trade, espec
States, which buys close to 90 percent of its expor
for a downturn in the U . S . economy to shut down
industrial north and send foreign capitalists runnin
accommodations. Unfortunately for the governme
in 2001, less than a year after the new administrati
proliferation of little "Made in China" labels on e
bobble-head dolls strikes fear in Mexican hearts,
that if they had managed to keep their jobs they'
hourly wage of their Chinese-peasant counterparts
ter of a million unemployed factory workers happy

Keep an eye on the left-wing mayor o f Mexico
Obrador, whose popularity and staunch oppositio
current administration stands for make him a pro
presidential elections. Another force to contend w
patistas, most often represented by the charismatic
looking good in that ski mask, who fiercely oppose
commercialization, and the tendency of the country
peoples like pack animals.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A M
Mexico City, where intellectuals—and worse, econ
dinner-party guests, the terrain will seem familiar e
of dark suits for the men and regular visits to the c
a backdrop of your date and all his colleagues joc
date's boss when they bring out the brandy and ciga
out for cars with dark-tinted windows cruising clo
to give directions to anyone wearing a lot of gold ch
ness these days, with the number of abductions an

TICAL SCIENCE 377

, PRI hard-liners look good to
006.

APERS: T h a t the jury's Still OUt
ever that is—are sinking b e ­
ho was expected to spin maize
onal structure is not especially
ocharge an economy that's still
rying a blanket and a basket of
ariably cite: the fact that Mex­

has to import energy from the
vestment in the energy sector
tion.) Keep in mind that Mex­
cially on trade with the United
rts. It takes about five minutes
factories throughout Mexico's
ng in search of better-fortified
ent, that's just what happened
ion took over. Meanwhile, the
everything from binoculars to
and somehow the knowledge
'd be making three times the
hasn't sufficed to keep a quar­
y.
o City, Andres Manuel Lopez
n to just about everything the
omising contender in the next
with: the Chiapas-based Z a ­
c Subcomandante Marcos, still
es globalization, privatization,
y's elite to treat its indigenous

MEXICAN: If you're hanging in
nomists—are still sought-after
enough: a semiformal business
olorist for the women, against
ckeying for a seat next to your
ars. On your way home, watch
ose to the curb, and don't stop
hains. Kidnapping is big busi­
nnually nearly rivaling that in

32? AN I N C O M P L E T E

Colombia, and you don't even
anymore. We won't get into h
box somewhere outside the ci
where oxygen-starved motori
derpasses at rush hour, and no
pollutants but microscopic pa
air—is no longer the destinat
mistic migrants, who may he
Aguascalientes to avail themse
there in a desperate attempt to
they might still try the cities
where, in the maquiladoras ow
electronic components and a
and are assembled by sweet, a
are held to be more docile, mo
five cents or so an hour with
shipped back, again duty-free,
down in the first place. For a
ployed senoritas, even if it was
soon discovered that labor wa
worse, in China, and moved t
the hundreds of girls, some f
flower sellers, but all poor and
the border state of Chihuahua
state government—or at least
meet your date, treat her nicel

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
sume your date's parents are In
and-Spanish descent), if onl
simply Indian, 60 percent me
someone is, the more likely t
there are also plenty of Indians
likely to be living in poverty.
culture than color, in much of
dians may be, exhausting as it
Spanish rather than, say, Nahu
the capital, where they make a
to the milpas, the cornfields t
powers for centuries (they w
Spaniards brought to the New
long history all over Mexico, a

E EDUCATION

n have to be rich to be snatched and held for ransom
how to behave if your date is living in a cardboard
ity proper, but we will mention that Mexico City—
ists have fatal heart attacks sitting in highway un­
ot only ozone and sulfur dioxide and other industrial
articles of fecal matter often hang suspended in the
tion of choice for many poverty-stricken but opti­
ad instead for a provincial city like Guadalajara or
elves of the state agencies the government relocated
o keep at least a few Mexicans out of the capital. Or
of the border, of which Tijuana is just the biggest,
wned by G E and Xerox and Sony and Panasonic,
lot of other stuff arrive duty-free from the States
and single, young girls from all over Mexico (girls
ore dexterous, and more willing to work for eighty-
out feeling a compulsion to join the union), then
, to whichever humongous transnational sent them
while the system made everybody money and em­
s grinding, no-future work. But the big companies
as even cheaper down in the Mexican boonies or,
their operations accordingly. Meanwhile, there are
rom maquiladoras, others waitresses or students or
d powerless, whose murders have gone unsolved in
a for so long that by now everyone assumes that the
t the local police—must be involved. So when you
ly.

O MEET YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: We're going to as~
ndians, or at least mestizos (of mixed-blood, Indian-
y because virtually all of Mexico is—30 percent
estizo. A s a rule of thumb, the more purely Indian
to live in Mexico's so called Deep South—though
s in the valleys around Mexico City—and the more
Attencion: Race is a shifting category, more about

Latin America and both mestizos and purebred In­
sounds, attempting to pass for European, speaking
uatl, wearing shoes instead of sandals, and living in
a show of preferring tortellini to tortillas. But back
the real Indians have been endowing with magical
wouldn't be caught dead growing the wheat the
w World). Landownership is a whole thing with a
a country where there's far too little of it and where

POLIT

you either live grandee-style on tens of thousands o
ble ejido, the plot the government—finally, after ye
whoppers—handed you to farm, collectively, alo
Luz, a plot so dry and rocky you could break your
of nearly vertical hillside even goats regard with sk
stances, it's a big challenge to feed yourself and y
precisely why everybody, quite possibly including
even-though-not-yet-forty parents, is always leavi
tidy up a kitchen in Beverly Hills or harvest a few
outside Fresno, then hurry home with a wad of gre
the maize and the beans. Speaking of north-of-the
parents aren't likely to have forgotten how, in the T
Wars, the United States grabbed half of what was
that, in the intervening century and a half, the lan
to make an end run around the entire ninetee
1910-1917 revolution, which wasn't, as it's so freq
good thing, but it did break the power of the old ar
tion, and get the Church more or less off people's
ing Mexico's cultural record, beginning with the Az
Toltecs and—a slight gap here—segueing into th
muralists, most notably the revolutionary Diego Ri
the surrealist painter Frida Kahlo. Since it's unlikel
read, you won't get very far trying to launch a disc
Octavio Paz, but the parents have quite possibly c
architect Luis Barragân's huge three-faced multico
middle of the highway outside Mexico City while th
to the border.

NICARAGUA

THE LAYOUT: T h e biggest country in Central Ame
the landscape—mountains, lowlands, virgin forests
swampy Caribbean coast. Most of the human acti
little volcano-studded strip of land between the mo
Miskito Indians, who consider themselves a nation
Nicaraguans, have traditionally claimed a big chu
their turf, but even many of them were forced, in th
resettle on collective farms in the west.) Nicaragua
ican countries—the others are Honduras, El Salva
and Costa Rica have their own problems—that are
history, social conditions, and the fact that they all

TICAL SCIENCE 329

of acres or you take your hum­
ears of promises and some real
ongside Pedro and Pablo and
hoe, and perched on the kind
kepticism. Under the circum­
your eleven children, which is

your date's ancient-looking-
ing home for a few months to
w dozen acres of tomatoes just
eenbacks just in time to get in
e-border matters, your date's
Texas and Mexican-American
s then Mexico; it doesn't help
d has only gotten primer. Try
enth century, and extol the
quently portrayed, an entirely
ristocracy, produce a constitu­
backs. You can also try prais­
ztecs and the Mayans and the
he famous twentieth-century
vera; also, his cult-figure wife,
ly that your date's parents can
cussion of Carlos Fuentes and
caught a glimpse of local-hero
olored concrete towers in the
hey were hitching a ride north

A

erica, with plenty of variety to
s, two huge lakes, and a torrid,
ion, however, takes place on a
ountains and the Pacific. (The

apart from Spanish-speaking
unk of the Caribbean coast as
he early 1980s, to pack up and
a is one of four Central Amer­
ador, and Guatemala; Panama

so bound together by climate,
l share an isthmus trapped be-

38o AN I N C O M P L E T E

tween two culturally distinct
help rattling the others. As a r
son to view the area as prime
Honduras, Nicaragua's northe
even poorer than it is, that be
contra war against the Sandin
Nineties it was the president o
militarized neighbor to the s
ended the war.

THE SYSTEM: A struggling de
need the backstory, and it is,
when the U.S. Marines finally
tecting U.S. commercial inter
National Guard. Before you c
had turned the Guard into his
his rival, General Sandino (th
named), and made himself pr
clan ran Nicaragua more like
1979, after much guerrilla figh
throw the Somoza dynasty. E
cranky Western observers, ri
known as revolutionary stron
leadership with a nine-membe
tough enough even without i
bunch of underage guerrilla f
mozas' family-owned sweatsho
easy marriage that had mad
professionals and businessme
Marxist ideologues vowing a r
to that a decade of virtual emb
lenting attacks by U.S.-back
Nicaragua today. In 1990, an
convinced the United States
long as the Sandinistas remain
brid right-centrist governmen
(what else?) martyred newspa
included a weird mix of po
Guardsmen to former Sandin
and has, paradoxically, been pr
dinistas, who still controlled
Nicaragua's strongest political

E EDUCATION

continental giants, that what happens to one can't
result, observers, both inside and out, have had rea­
domino-theory territory. During the 1980s, it was
ern neighbor and the only Latin American nation
ecame the main staging area for the CIA-directed
nista government. On the other hand, in the late
of Costa Rica, Nicaragua's relatively prosperous, de­
south, who initiated the peace process that finally

emocracy. To appreciate the current system, you'll
as your grandmother might say, a doozy. In 1933,
y pulled out, after hanging around for a decade pro­
rests, they left Anastasio Somoza in charge of the
could say "Latin American dictatorship," Somoza
s personal militia, arranged for the assassination of
he guerrilla leader for whom the Sandinistas were
resident. For the next forty-five years, the Somoza
a shady family business than a country. Finally, in
hting, Sandinista revolutionaries managed to over­
lections held—and, according to some admittedly
igged—in 1984 put the revolutionary hero (later
ngman) Daniel Ortega in the presidency, sharing
er Sandinista directorate. Things would have been
interference from the north, given the fact that a
fighters were suddenly faced with turning the So-
op into a functioning economy. Given, too, the un­
e the revolution in the first place: middle-class
en hoping for moderate reform on the one hand,
radical transformation of society on the other. Add
bargo by the United States and of ferocious, unre­
ed contra rebels, and you have the mess that is
electorate fed up with civil war as a lifestyle—and
would never take its foot off Nicaragua's neck as
ned in power—voted to replace Ortega with a hy­
nt headed by Violeta de Chamorro, widow of a
aper publisher. Chamorro's administration, which
olitical elements ranging from former National
nistas, soon lost nearly all of its original supporters
ropped up for some time by Ortega's defeated San­
the army and police and who remain to this day
force, despite the fact that no two Sandinistas have

POLIT

agreed on anything for years. Two subsequent elec
Somoza family's old political party, also failed to ac
managed to become the first Latin American ex-
corruption), and as of this writing, Ortega's hat is
presidential election. Everyone agrees that the coun
is that it's a democratic mess. T h e voting age is sixt

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPA
other side is practically a national pastime here, tak
of salt. Neither Sandinistas nor contras, recompas (e
stop fighting after the war was officially over) nor r
entirely to blame for the sorry state Nicaragua's in
ther, of course. Like all good Marxists, the minute
istas began holding compulsory pep rallies, punis
pressuring reluctant peasants to leave their homes
cooperatives. Like any young adults who've spent t
in the mountains with their AK-47s, they weren't
tates or spending the money earmarked for farm m
hotel, either. (Let's not forget, however, their educ
eliminated adult illiteracy in a year.) T h e contras,
every good liberal knew at the time, mere pawns o
ants and Indians manipulated by sadistic former
spent a decade terrorizing women and children and
reform effort. While we're pointing fingers, how
which showed itself to be the world's sorest loser
and which was quite prepared, throughout the 198
ber the \mn-contra Affair? remember Oliver Nort
country plus most of the rest of Central America
War paranoia? How about Arnoldo Alernan, Nicar
2002, currently under house arrest for stealing som
the national kitty? And how about Daniel Ortega,
sides against each other—and to use his consi
Nicaraguans to disrupt the reform efforts of his su
to political power? Well, nobody's perfect. At least
one thing: T h e country is jojido—all screwed up.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO DATE A NICARAGUA
time together, since your date is almost certainl
ployed, like about 60 percent of the workforce. Th
do nothing, though. If your date lives in Managua
together selling candy or oranges at traffic lights
the new SUVs owned by members of the governm

TICAL SCIENCE 381

cted presidents, both from the
ccomplish much (although one
president ever to be jailed for

in the ring again for the next
ntry is a mess. The good news
teen.

APERS: Although blaming the
ke all accusations with a grain
ex-Sandinistas who refused to
recontras (ex-contras, ditto) are
n today. None is blameless ei­
e they took office the Sandin­
shing incorrect thinking, and
s and move to prefab farming
their formative years holed up
above looting confiscated es­
machinery on the girls up at the
cation crusade, which virtually
, on the other hand, were, as
of the CIA. Disgruntled peas­
r National Guardsmen, they
d sabotaging every Sandinista
about that U.S. government,
after the Sandinistas' victory
80s, to disgrace itself (remem­
th?) while scuttling the entire
, in order to assuage its Cold
ragua's president from 1997 to
mething like $100 million from
, who's been willing to play all
iderable influence with poor
ccessors—in order to hang on
t everybody seems to agree on

AN: You'll be spending a lot of
ly unemployed or underem­
at doesn't mean he or she will
a, you might spend your days
s, washing the windshields of
ment, or scrubbing laundry for