An Incomplete Education - 3,684 Things You Should Have Learned but Probably Didn't

space, G o d , self, and cause. Stay tuned. B
lot of philosophers now characterize me
"prescientific."

Got Another Minute or Two?

Philosophy is, as befits the so called queen of sc
-isms. O f these, let's take a closer look at three of t
had epistemology, don't forget) and two of the latt

Ontology is literally the study of being (the canc
is sometimes used interchangeably with metaphys
listen to, it's either the most generic and abstract
it's a compilation of pseudo-problems only a fool w
(or wield) the word, keep in mind that it implies g
ter, to the very essence of something. S o , an ontol
ceed by taking the thing called "moving pictures
photographs and with paintings, with television
through the windshield of a moving car. It would
volving around lenses and editing, and other art fo
undertaken collectively and enjoyed communally.
Eisenstein, Hollywood in the Thirties, David L
"zoom," what makes a movie fun to watch, or th
Careful: "Ontology" is a word strictly for intellect

Two -ologies have to do with final affairs. On
fused with o t o l o g y , a preoccupation with excreme
any doctrine or system focused on such end-of-the
terlife, immortality, and redemption. William Bu
described Communism as an eschatological system
nial vision" of peace and equality, en route to which
tion, life less a process than a partial product.

The other, teleology, is applied to a belief in, or s
sign, or end (telos, in the Greek), usually in nature.
sults as reasons: O f course the giraffe has a long ne
biologist and teleologist, Lamarck (see page 565); h
leaves he feeds on. Teleology tends to thrive in syst
istence of an active God, intent on revelation (see p
anathema by scientists.

PHILOSOPHY 307

But don't hold your breath: A
etaphysics as "overpoetic" and

ciences, rife with -ologies and
the former (and you've already
ter.
cer speciality is oncology), and
sics. Depending on whom you
of all intellectual inquiries or
would tackle. If you must field
etting to the heart of the mat­
logy of the cinema would pro­
" and contrasting it with still
n, with the landscape viewed
talk about other activities re­
orms, most notably the theater,
(What it wouldn't deal with:
ynch's career, censorship, the
he insipidity of Oscars night.)
ual big spenders.
ne, eschatology (not to be con­
ent or talking dirty), describes
-line matters as death, the af­
uckley, for example, has even
m because it deals in a "millen­
h the present is just a way sta­

study of, an overall purpose, de­
Teleologists like to invoke re­

eck, argued the pre-Darwinian
he needs it to reach the tender
tems structured around the ex­
page 340). And to be treated as

3o8 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Still with Us?

Great! O f the -isms, by far the
alism and materialism, neithe

Idealism stipulates that the
and consciousness and though
otism and Bruce Springsteen
cannot be dealt with—perceiv
of your (or somebody's) know

Materialism maintains that
leg and everybody's bandanna
can be explained only in terms
Madonna sung about being a
for net gloves and dangly ear
come to think of it, was more

Rating

A CONSUMER'
PH

PLATO

E EDUCATION

e most important are the diametrically opposed ide­
er of which has its everyday meaning here.

nature of reality is completely bound up with mind
ht, that your leg and your bandanna and your patri­
n and his leg and his bandanna and his patriotism
ved or proven to exist—except through the activity
wing mind.

all entities—including everybody and everybody's
and everybody's patriotism and everybody's mind—
of matter and energy, atoms and electrons. Thus had
material^/ girl, she'd have been casting her vote not
rrings but for molecules over perceptions. Which,
or less what she was doing anyway.

g the Thinkers

'S GUIDE TO TWENTY
HILOSOPHERS

O (c. 427-c. 347 B.C.)

Best-Known Works: T h e Dialogues, especially the
trilogy about the imprisonment and death of Socr
nature of love); and the Republic (on the principles

Readability: Too bad you were asked to read the
couldn't wait to get back to Lord of the Rings. A s p
wire; the Dialogues read like screenplays, complete
and, of course, dialogue. True, that ancient Greek f
getting used to but, as with any vintage movie, swit
half the fun.

Qualities of Mind: Abstract, absolutist, imaginative,
ally better equipped to walk on water than build br

Catchphrases: T h e allegory of the cave (see page 33
that is unexamined is not worth living.

Influence: Metaphysics on a grand scale, from the
Postulated the existence of a supreme order of a
pure Forms, of which all our existing forms and id
reflections; these paradigmatic Forms are indepen
sensory experience, and are graspable only through
to's confidence in the possibility of reasoning or
Truth, together with his mistrust of knowledge o
pretty much defines philosophical rationalism, th
only source—albeit an unreliable one—for the teac

Personal Gossip: A rich young aristocrat who could
templating pure ideas. His real name was Aristo
meaning "broad," which may have referred to his f
scope of his ideas. And yes, he was probably gay.

Current Standing: Some contemporary philosophe
North Whitehead's remark that "philosophy is o
Plato." (But then, no one can appreciate a philoso
other philosopher-mathematician.) Neither empir
go for his denigration of sensory experience, how
twentieth century, Aristotle, a nuts-and-bolts type
the modern mind.

PHILOSOPHY 309

Apology, Crito, and Phaedo (a
rates); the Symposium (on the
of government).

Republic at an age when you
philosophers go, Plato is a live
e with sets, props, characters,
frame of reference takes some
tching into another mindset is

, moralistic, ironic; intellectu­
ridges.

31), philosopher-kings, the life

e world's greatest rationalist.
rchetypal, universal ideas, or
deas are only cheap, transitory
ndent of, and inaccessible to,
h the power of the mind. Pla­
conceptualizing one's way to
obtained through the senses,
hen and now. H e is also our
chings of Socrates.

afford to spend his time con­
ocles; Plato was a nickname
forehead, his waistline, or the

ers would agree with Alfred
only a series of footnotes to
opher-mathematician like an­
ricists nor fitness buffs much
wever, and, for much of the
e, seemed more acceptable to

3io AN I N C O M P L E T E

ARISTO

Best-Known Works: Organon,
Ethics.

Readability: If you enjoy readi
amined in detail and every de
remember that his only extant
lecture notes; his early popula

Qualities of Mind: Lucid, lear
called him "the master of thos

Catchphrases: T h e Golden Me
matic Unities (of action, time
condition of a thing whose es
"Being all that you can be"), c

Influence: T h e roots of moder
carded Plato's abstractions in
world. Systematically studied
physics, anatomy, physiology
rhetoric, art, theology, whatev
thoroughly modern, success-
the level of a means to an en
things," a doctrine that, as Be
respectable middle-aged). Es
systematic study of logic. St
analysis, although many of hi
a couple thousand years.

E EDUCATION

OTLE (384-322 B.C.)

, Physics, Politics, Rhetoric, Poetics, Nichomachean

ing leases, you'll love Aristotle; every thought is ex­
etail meticulously numbered. To be fair, you should
t works are treatises that were probably intended as
ar works have been lost.
rned, practical, didactic, analytical, versatile. Dante
se who know."
ean, the Unmoved Mover (see page 340), the Dra­
e, and place), entelechy (in dictionary terms, "the
ssence is fully realized," or, to paraphrase the Army,
catharsis (see page 263).
n science and, probably, Western civilization. Dis­
n favor of observation and analysis of the physical
d and categorized virtually everything: astronomy,
y, psychology, natural history, political science,
ver. Planted the ideas of the pursuit of happiness (a
-oriented morality, which tacitly relegates virtue to
nd) and the Golden Mean (or "moderation in all
ertrand Russell pointed out, appeals mainly to the
tablished the West's first, and until recently only,
till associated with modern concepts of scientific
is conclusions put scientists on the wrong track for

Personal Gossip: Student of Plato (remember the
Plato taught Aristotle); teacher of Alexander the
pay much attention to him.
Current Standing: Plato's opposite number and o
science-minded age.

Best-Known Works: Confessions, The City of God.
Readability: Not difficult, exacdy, but after reading
ness of stealing a pear, or two chapters on the putat
demons and bad demons, you may decide you'd
cussing, say, fluoridation of the water supply with
age.
Qualities of Mind: Scholarly, fevered, guilt-ridden, d
Catchphrases: City of G o d , city of man.
Influence: Cornerstone of the Christian Church; att
Christianity in light of the fall of the Roman Emp
tory into a Christian framework. Sometimes call
Gave us ideas of separation of Church and State a
toward a goal (see page 577). Biggest influence on C
cially on Roman Catholicism, after St. Paul. Wrote
biography, precursor of the genre as well as of the m

PHILOSOPHY 311
order: Socrates taught Plato,
Great, who apparently didn't

of the two, the top dog in a

g seven pages on the wicked­
ive differences between good
rather spend your time dis­
someone closer to your own

dogmatic, idealistic.

tempted a rational defense of
pire and tried to fit all of his­
led the founder of theology.
and of history as progression
Christian thinking, and espe­
e the first self-analytical auto­
modern introspective novel.

31* AN I N C O M P L E T E

Personal Gossip: H a d a long-t
mother, St. Monica, finally tal

Current Standing: Out of date,
was an outspoken Plato fan h
gians in search of "the essence

SAINT THOM

Best-Known Works: Summa T

Readability: Elaborate and ext
chinery while reading.

Qualities of Mind: Learned, d
"The Prince of Scholastics" fo

Catchphrase: H i s epithet, "The

Influence: Constructed the sec
superseded Augustine's as of
opposed to Plato, and based hi
than on irrational faith in the
terms. Effected the classic int
sively the existence of God, a
than nearly all his Scholastic
much of its official dogma, the

Personal Gossip: When he was

E EDUCATION

erm mistress and an illegitimate child before his
lked him into becoming a Christian.
, but he had soul. Admired by Platonists (since he
himself) and by contemporary Protestant theolo­
e" of Christianity.

AS AQUINAS (1225-1274)

... S

i if

BBS

Theologica, Summa Contra Gentiles.
tremely formal; do not drive or operate heavy ma­

ogged, systematic, analytical; they didn't call him
or nothing.
e Angelic Doctor."
cond great synthesis of Christian thinking, which

the thirteenth century. Championed Aristotle, as
is theology more on concrete analysis of this world

next. Reinterpreted Aristotle's ideas in Christian
egration of reason and revelation, proved conclu­
and split hairs more brilliantly and systematically
c colleagues. Provided the Catholic Church with
en and now.
a teenager, his mother had him locked up for two

years to prevent him from becoming a Dominican m
the order anyway. H e later became very famous and
Current Standing: A lesson in the rewards of thoro
you're a Catholic priest, take him with a grain of sa

NICCOLÔ MACHIAVELL

Best-Known Works: The Prince, Discourses.
Readability: A piece of cake; Machiavelli was forced
so he understood the importance of keeping his au
Qualities of Mind: Shrewd, pragmatic, insightful, cy
Catchphrase: T h e chief foundations of all states are
Influence: Revolutionized political philosophy and
ing a purely secular, scientific perspective toward
of morality altogether in order to focus, reporterl
should have been. Wrote the classic how-to book
Prince). Based principles o f government on the a
damentally bad and that the end justifies the m
pher whose name became a household word, in
deception, unscrupulousness, and cunning.
Personal Gossip: A politician himself (as well as au
avelli wrote The Prince in an unsuccessful attempt t
ing Medici, who didn't like him and who probably

PHILOSOPHY
monk. He escaped and joined
d very fat.
oughness; beyond that, unless
alt.

I (1469-1527)

d to earn his living as a writer,
dience awake.
ynical.
good laws and good arms.
d shocked idealists by adopt­
statecraft; left out questions
like, on what was, not what
k for aspirants to power (The
ssumptions that man is fun­
eans. Was the rare philoso­
n his case, synonymous with

uthor and historian), Machi­
to curry favor with the reign­
y never read it. (Among those

3M AN I N C O M P L E T

who did read it: Mussolini, H
more honest picture of his id

Current Standing: His politic
since his own; nowadays anyo
critical or naïve. Considered a
perficial, inconsistent, and ge

RENÉ DE

Best-Known Works: Discourse

Readability: Rolls right alon
Descartes writes like an inte
His prose, some say, is to the
English.

Qualities ofMind: Sophisticat

Catchphrase: Cogito ergo sum.

Influence: Marks the point at
mined to make a clean sweep
body's word for anything, to d
be sure of. C a m e up with the
a philosophical system based
truths (see page 334), the bas
innate ideas, ones that do not
came up with the idea for anal
method. Insisted on the com
later split philosophy—not to
the purely mechanistic nature

E EDUCATION

Hitler, Lenin, and Stalin.) For a more balanced and
eas, read the Discourses.
cal views are more acceptable in our era than in any
one who disagrees with him is assumed to be hypo-
a first-rate social scientist, but as a pure thinker, su-
enerally shaky.

SCARTES (1596-1650)

e on Method, Meditations on First Philosophy.
ng; philosophy with a sense of style for a change.
elligent adult addressing other intelligent adults.
e French language what the King James Bible is to

ted, independent, lucid, methodical, individualistic.

which the world decided to go modern. Was deter-
p of all the comfortable old assumptions, to take no-
doubt everything in order to find something he could

famous bottom line, "I think, therefore I am." Built
on deductive reasoning (see page 333) and a priori
sis for seventeenth-century Rationalism. Believed in
come to us through experience. As a mathematician,
lytic geometry and the mind-set behind the scientific
plete separation of mind and matter (which would
o mention personality—into warring camps) and on
of the physical world.

Personal Gossip: W h o can gossip about a mathema
guy who would move rather than allow his friends
train of thought.

Current Standing: Seminal figure of modern philo
says "I am" just because "I think," and how do I kn
ways inspiring.

JOHN LOCKE (1632

Best-Known Works: An Essay Concerning Human U
on Government.

Readability: Boring but bearable; like reading the D
which, in fact, borrowed from his phraseology as w

Qualities of Mind: Modest, sensible, utilitarian, tol

Catchphrases: T h e mind as tabula rasa (blank pag
balances, the labor theory of value, laissez-faire, th
is the perception of the agreement or disagreemen

Influence: A s a political philosopher, was the theore
democracy; gave us basic liberal ideals (the primac
the belief in the natural rights of man) and spec
(majority rule, checks and balances). As a pure
make a really big deal out of epistemology, of how
modern empiricism, a vehement rebuttal of the Ra
that ruled the day (see previous page), declaring th
rasa, that there are no such things as innate ide
through our senses from the material world—a scie
that opted for limited, but immediately usable, kno

PHILOSOPHY

atician? This was the kind of
s to drop by and interrupt his

osophy; usually off-base (who
now I think, anyway?) but al­

2-1704)

Understanding, Second Treatise

Declaration of Independence,
well as from his ideas.
lerant.

e), the system of checks and
he rights of man, "Knowledge
nt of two ideas."
etical architect of what we call
cy of the pursuit of happiness,
cific principles of government
philosopher, was the first to
w we know things. Pioneered
ationalist school of philosophy
hat the mind at birth is tabula
eas, that all ideas come to us
ence-oriented way of thinking
owledge of everyday reality.

AN I N C O M P L E T E

Personal Gossip: A physician w
ically, when he chose the winn
Glorious Revolution of 1688.
Current Standing: N o towerin
a head full of ideas whose tim
profound, political theories, t
feels about liberal democracy.

BARUCH

Best-Known Work: Ethics.
Readability: Just conquered th
to Ethics, a deadly morass o
demonstrations of the imposs
writer. We're told that if you c
to grow on you.
Qualities of Mind: Analytical,
orous, determined.
Catchphrases: Sub specie aeterni
negation.
Influence: T h e world's most s
logical, consistent metaphysic
tive, scientific study of human
conclusions, even when those
determinist, who believed, as

E EDUCATION
who came to prominence, politically and philosoph­
ning side (William of Orange, see page 590) in the

ng intellect, just an eminently reasonable man with
me had come. A propounder of popular, rather than

the validity of which depend largely on how one

SPINOZA (1632-1677)

he Matterhorn? Looking for a challenge? Welcome
of Euclidean definitions, axioms, theorems, and
sible. Too bad; Spinoza could be a rather eloquent
can get through the whole thing—twice—it starts

realistic, idealistic, mystical, rational, patient, rig­

itatis (in the light of eternity); all determination is

sensible mystic. Constructed the first thoroughly
cal system and made the first attempt at an objec­
n behavior. Carried all arguments to their logical

conclusions meant trouble. A pantheist and a pure
all good mystics do, in the oneness of the universe,

in the supremacy of immutable natural law, in th
with the flow. H a d no followers, but his freethin
pave the way for the Enlightenment.
Personal Gossip: Excommunicated (and formally
Deuteronomy) by the Jewish community in Holl
heretical thoughts to himself. Socially ostracized,
grinder, wrote philosophy on the side, and is best
the way to his deathbed, like a saint.
Current Standing: Nobody doesn't like Spinoza; he
holy, one of the few intellectuals on record to hav
Bertrand Russell called him "the most lovable of
hand, the idea of bowing quiedy to Natural Law ha
the West.

GOTTFRIED WILHELM V
(1646-1716)

Best-Known Works: Monadology, Principles of Natur
Readability: Uninviting: dry, precise, businesslike; m
snap at you if you can't keep up.
Qualities of Mind: Rigorous, dynamic, logical, syste
Catchphrases: Windowless monads, preestablished
distic phrase "This is the best of all possible worlds

PHILOSOPHY
he necessity of learning to go
nking religious views helped
cursed with all the curses of
land for refusing to keep his

he earned his living as a lens
remembered for behaving, all
was smart, hardworking, and
ve actually lived by his beliefs.
f philosophers." On the other
as never been big box office in

VON LEIBNIZ

re and of Grace, Theodicy.
moves fast and seems likely to
ematic, concise, humorless.
harmony; also Voltaire's paro-
s."

AN I N C O M P L E T E

Influence: One of the great "C
the seventeenth century. Inven
of symbolic logic, furthered t
physician in the tradition of
Cartesian Clocks, which postu
seem to, because they are sync
that was pious, logical, and s
tured as Dr. Pangloss in Volta
fect a brilliant, complex math
with calculation.
Personal Gossip: A n ambitious
lished whatever would make h
influenced by Spinoza, whom
Current Standing: Considered
time. Although nearly all of
hopelessly obsolete, his metho
ness.

DAVID

Best-Known Works: A Treatise
Understanding (a simplified ve
Readability-. Lucid, compact, d
riveting.
Qualities of Mind: Rigorous, n

E EDUCATION
Continental Rationalists," mainstream thinkers of
nted infinitesimal calculus, founded the first system
he development of exact logical analysis. A meta­
Descartes, he created the famous analogy of the
ulates that mind and body do not interact, but only
chronized by God. Publicly espoused a philosophy
omewhat simpleminded, for which he was carica­
aire's Candide. Secretly spent his life trying to per­
hematical system that aimed at replacing thought

s hypocrite who kept his best work secret and pub­
him popular with his employers. Admired and was

he denounced as soon as it seemed expedient.
d by many to be one of the greatest logicians of all
f his conclusions are either totally implausible or
ods for arriving at them are models of clearheaded­

HUME (1711-1776)

e of Human Nature, An Enquiry Concerning Human
ersion of the first book of the Treatise).
direct; refreshing, though not, as Hume had hoped,

no-nonsense, consistent, honest.

Catchphrases: T h e science of man. Also, Kant's
Hume "awakened me from my dogmatic slumbers
Influence: T h e Scottish skeptic who took Locke's
logical conclusion (which Locke had neglected to
our ability to know anything at all. That the sun w
cording to Hume, is not something we know, but
because it has risen every other morning. Effectiv
tensions, made philosophers very nervous about t
clear that the Age of Reason had arrived at a dead
Personal Gossip: A cheerful, easygoing sort, despite
men capable of maintaining a friendship with Rou
turn on him in the end). Always wanted to be a fa
Current Standing: A watershed and a warning sig
philosophers to look before they leap. No self-resp
accept his conclusions (i.e., that we can't know an
succeeded in refuting his arguments, either.

IMMANUEL KANT (1

Best-Known Works: Critique of Pure Reason, Critiq
ofJudgment.
Readability: Confirms your worst fears. Kant wro
colleagues and succeeded in making even their eyes
pared him to Jehovah, saying, "He speaks through
mination of the lightning flash."

PHILOSOPHY 3IQ

famous remark that reading
s."

s empirical arguments to their
o do) and wound up doubting
will rise tomorrow morning, ac­
t something we believe, simply
vely deflated metaphysical pre­
heir assumptions, and made it
d end.

e his skepticism; one of the few
usseau (although Rousseau did
amous writer.

gnal; has forced all subsequent
pecting philosopher can wholly
nything), but none has entirely

1724-1804)

que of Practical Reason, Critique

ote exclusively for his learned
s glaze over. Will Durant com­
h clouds, but without the illu­

320 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Qualities of Mind: Scholarly, c

Catchphrases: T h e categorical
{Ding-an-sich).

Influence: Put Germany on t
pedantic tone for which it soo
nearly all branches of philoso
bickering among themselves a
he called a "second Copernica
it, he insisted, is the human m
inherent structure through wh
own order on the world of ph
"things-in-themselves," which
awareness of moral law, in the
ative (i.e., command), a sort
make the world safe for both
dignity to the idea of the huma
metaphysics (since we can't "k
own "knowing"), to make mod
to prefigure such radically ma
widen the rift between philoso

Personal Gossip: T h e archetyp
man who didn't travel, never m
that, according to legend, the c
his daily walks.

Current Standing: One of phil
judges are in a generous mood
losophy," which is not to say t
theories, but that every subseq
his complex theories foreshado
turalism (see page 334).

E EDUCATION

complex, profound, moralistic, systematic, earnest.

imperative, transcendental logic, "thing-in-itself "

he map as an intellectual power (and lent it the
on became notorious); made sweeping revisions in
ophy, thereby inspiring other philosophers to stop
and get serious about thinking again. Effected what
an revolution": The origin of the world as we know
mind itself, which, far from being tabula rasa, has an
hich we filter all experience and which imposes its
henomena (though not on the real/ideal world of
h is unknowable). Likewise, humans have an innate
form of the categorical (i.e., unconditional) imper­
of bottom-line ethical "ought." In attempting to

G o d and science, Kant managed to restore some
an mind; also to destroy the credibility of traditional
know" any external reality that isn't colored by our
dern philosophy more subjective than objective (and
an-centered movements as existentialism), and to
ophy and the physical sciences.

al academic philosopher; a retiring, studious little
married, and lived a life of such extreme regularity
citizens of his hometown used to set their clocks by

losophy's all-stars, with Plato, Aristotle, and, if the
d, Hegel. Often called "the founder of modern phi­
that anyone totally accepts—or ever accepted—his
quent philosopher has teethed on them. Also, that
owed such hip twentieth-century systems as struc­

GEORG FRIEDRICH WIL
(1770-1831)

Best-Known Works: Phenomenology of Spirit, The P
the Philosophy of History (compiled and published p

Readability: T h e nadir of German prose; pompous
statement is qualified, as is every qualifying state
short of inventing his own words. Not only do y
should feel free to snigger when anyone suggests i

Qualities of Mind: Abstruse, academic, methodical

Catchphrases: T h e dialectic (thesis vs. antithesis
Spirit.

Influence: Took Kant's mind-ordered world from
one, creating a totally awesome system into which
experience and thought fit together rationally in a
is constandy evolving toward supreme self-conscio
which point we'll know everything and see God. P
here, not to mention enormous clout: By the en
most academic philosophers of any stature were H
embraced, theoretically, the notion of Change, a
Progress, saw things as Parts of a Whole and th
Unfolding of History, argued dialectically, and ten
They probably would have continued to run amok
Spirit if Marx and Engels hadn't come along and
Economics instead.

Personal Gossip: None, really, except that for a ma
easily be read as revolutionary at the outset, Hegel

PHILOSOPHY 321

HELM HEGEL

Philosophy ofRight, Lectures on
posthumously).

s, pedantic, obscurantist; every
ement, and Hegel doesn't stop
you not have to read him, you
it.

l, with mystical leanings.

leads to synthesis), Absolute

the human level to the cosmic
h all past, present, and future
an encompassing dialectic that
ousness, or Absolute Spirit. At
Plenty of energy and ambition
nd of the nineteenth century,
Hegelians, which is to say they
accepted Strife as essential to
hemselves as characters in the
nded to think in capital letters.
k with the notion of Absolute
d sold the world on Absolute

an whose philosophy could so
l had become notoriously con-

3^2 AN I N C O M P L E T E

servative by middle age. A cla
from the King of Prussia can

Current Standing: There had
Hegel's complexity and that
laughingstock among many p
stored to a top-shelf position
thinking is still mistrusted as
vidual and an end-justifies-th

ARTHUR SCH

Best-Known Works: The Wor

Readability: N o problem: sur
analogies, and, at moments, w

Qualities of Mind: Cultured, p

Catchphrase: T h e world is my

Influence: T h e first to come ri
important than knowledge or
live (Nietzsche and Freud wer
that will was inherently evil, h
nunciation of desire, a tempor
high art (which made him ve
eventual extinction of the spec
bourgeois confidence of the n
spair of the twentieth.

E EDUCATION

assic example of what money, fame, and a few favors
do.

d to be a backlash; by the early twentieth century
crazily incomprehensible prose had made him a

philosophers. Nowadays, he's been more or less re­
n in the Philosophers' Hall of Fame, although his
leading to a glorification of the state over the indi­
he-means immorality.

HOPENHAUER (1788-1860)

rld as Will and Idea, Essays.
refooted, vigorous prose, with plenty of examples,
wit; often quotable.
pessimistic, arrogant, embittered, individualistic.
idea.
ight out and insist that there was something more
r intellect: namely, will, and specifically, the will to
re both to be influenced by this concept). Believing
he argued that the best one could strive for was re­
rary absence of pain through the contemplation of
ery popular among artists), and, with any luck, the
cies. His rejection of the action-minded, essentially
nineteenth century presaged the individualistic de­

Personal Gossip: Spent twenty-five years without s
ary lady who'd disliked him (although she continu
she heard that two geniuses could not exist in the
for meanness and spent most of his life alone, sav
(the authorities disagree here; it may have been a c
"World-Soul."

Current Standing: His system is generally regarded
fications and inconsistencies, peppered with a few
to those insights and his skill in presenting them, h
cal landmark and, as one of the few pessimists in
considered something of a curiosity.

S0REN KIERKEGAARD

Best-Known Works: Either/Or (more dramatic tha
bling, Sickness unto Death.
Readability: A bit gristly (you try chewing on refle
thetic antipathy and antipathetic sympathy"), but i

Qualities of Mind: Melancholy, unorthodox, God-o

Catchphrase: T h e leap into absurdity.

Influence: N o one paid much attention at the tim
reliable guidelines for human action, that one co
ment by committing oneself to a God who might
time of day, just seemed like one man's personal p
century alienation had set in and people had begu
get out of bed in the morning, Kierkegaard, wi

PHILOSOPHY 32J

peaking to his mother, a liter­
ued to foot the bills) ever since

same family. Had a reputation
ve for the company of his dog
at), whom he named Atma, or

d as a mishmash of oversimpli­
brilliant insights; still, thanks
he's been designated a histori­

n the history of philosophy, is

(1813-1855)

an theoretical), Fear and Trem­

ctions like "Dread is a sympa­
it has its moments.

oriented, imaginative.

e; the idea that there were no
ould only hope for enlighten­
t very well never give one the
problem. But once twentieth-
n wondering why they should
ith his Scandinavian gloom,

3M AN I N C O M P L E T E

started to make sense. In the
replaced by a belief in the Vo
and before you knew it, every
Last Year at Marienbad.

Personal Gossip: Poor Soren;
House of Usher" childhood
have made fun of him the wa
gagement. (On the other han

Current Standing: Acknowled
istentialism is less a philoso
thinker whose neurosis was p

WILLIAM

Best-Known Works: Principles
The Varieties of Religious Exper

Readability: Chatty, colloquia

Qualities of Mind: Cultured,
gland Puritan style).

Catchphrases: T h e will to belie
vein, stream of consciousness,

Influence: Almost put America
pragmatism, our first indigeno

E EDUCATION
hands of Sartre and Camus, his belief in God was
oid, the whole philosophy was given a leftist twist,
yone in Paris was carrying on like a character out of

but what could you expect with that "Fall of the
and those spindly legs? Even so, people shouldn't
ay they did, especially about his painful broken en­
nd, he did ditch her.)
dged as the "founder" of existentialism (although ex­
phical system than a bad mood), and a brilliant
prophetic.

M JAMES (1842-1910)

s of Psychology, The Will to Believe and Other Essays,
rience, Pragmatism.
al, and direct; like an entertaining dinner guest.
commonsensical, optimistic, moralistic (New En­

eve, the cash-value of ideas (also, in a more literary
, the bitch-goddess success).
a on the map as an intellectual presence. Pioneer of
ous school of thought. Attempted to make philos-

ophy relevant by abandoning the search for absol
down-trees approach to ideas. Theorized that re
that truth is tantamount to effectiveness, ditto g
God makes you a better person, then God exists)
stick to answering questions that have a "cash-val
nificant difference in people's lives. Set the tone for
century philosophy.

Personal Gossip: Older brother of Henry James.
before switching to philosophy. Center of a clique
tuals. Attempted suicide in adolescence (more pro
good people).

Current Standing: One for our side—an American
barrass you at black-tie dinners. Whatever his limit
he made up for them by being well-rounded.

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

Best-Known Works: Thus Spake Zarathustra, The
mous additions by his sister), Twilight of the Idols
phy).

Readability: Looks easy enough; used ordinary la
spurts and aphorisms, pulled no punches (sums up
patron saint of moral twaddle"), but style is overhe
like Norman Mailer in his apocalyptic mode.

Qualities of Mind: Impetuous, irreverent, individua

Catchphrases: T h e will to power, transvaluation o
dead.

PHILOSOPHY 325

lutes in favor of a will-it-cut-
ality is whatever we make it,
oodness (thus, if believing in
), and that philosophy should
lue," i.e., that will make a sig-
r much subsequent twentieth-

Was a famous psychologist
e of brilliant Harvard intellec-
oof that bad things happen to

n philosopher who won't em-
tations as a systematic thinker,

E (1844-1900)

Will to Power (beware posthu-
s, Ecce Homo (his autobiogra-

anguage, specialized in short
Socrates, for instance, as "the
eated and dense; reads a little

alistic, elitist, unstable.
f values, Ûbermensch, G o d is

3^6 AN I N C O M P L E T

Influence: O n e o f the most fl
hemently opposed to virtual
who announced the demise
prophesied the world wars (o
cy's tendency to promote co
lective breeding. A cultural
human drives paved the way
tory is the "will to power," a
the traditional "feminine" vi
passion, being nice to other
(courage, strength, toughnes
goodness. Hoped for the asc
Dionysian instinct and dyna
nian reason and ethics (see
misinterpreted—as a spokes
Romantic, and existentialist

Personal Gossip: A frail, sickly
a classics scholar. First an ar
hopelessly insane at age forty-
distorted some of his writings

Current Standing: It's no long
him for World War II, or eve
erary philosopher." These da
and knowledge. On the whol
ure out exacdy what he was d

E EDUCATION

lamboyant and controversial philosophers ever, ve­
lly all established culture and morality. A prophet

of G o d (and, more importantly, of all absolutes),
or something very like them), warned of democra­
nformity and suppress excellence; also, favored se­
l historian whose perceptions about unconscious
for Freud's. Insisted that the dominant force of his­
and advocated a "transvaluation of values" in which
irtues espoused by Christianity (submission, com­
people) would be joined with "masculine" virtues
s) in a morality that aimed at greatness rather than
cendancy of the Ubermensch, or superman, in whom
amism would be perfectly integrated with Apollo­
page 258). Has been variously interpreted—and
sman for Fascist, Nazi, anti-Nazi, Romantic, anti-
doctrines.

y boy raised in a household of pious women. Became
rdent admirer, then bitter enemy of Wagner. Went
-four. His sister, who had problems of her own, later
s, making him sound more racist than he really was.

ger fashionable to call him the Antichrist, to blame
en to dismiss him as a brilliant but sophomoric "lit­
ays, he's admired as a visionary theorist of language
le, however, philosophers are still busy trying to fig­
driving at.

HENRI BERGSON (18

Best-Known Works: Time and Free Will, Creative E
(see also On Laughter, a minor but famous work).

Readability: Smooth and seductive; Bergson was a
didn't believe in arguing a point when he could pa
You'll probably be wafted along in happy agreem
afterward trying to explain what you've read.

Qualities of Mind: Suave, sophisticated, mystical, o

Catchphrase: Elan vital.

Influence: The chic philosopher of Europe between
pressingly mechanistic, deterministic, shut-up-and
winism with his mystical "vitalism." Viewed human
the inertia of matter (associated with reason, conse
sure) and the creative energy—or élan vital—of l
intuition, art, charisma, and the mysteries of life)
have some version of free will restored and to be g
tion between people and rocks. His theories had a
ical activists, and socialites: Shaw appropriated h
Proust used his mystical concept of time and mem
brance of Things Past. T h e party ended with the out
ever, when everybody began to prize sanity over sp

Personal Gossip: Proust was best man at his wedding

Current Standing: Developed appealing theories tha
are taken with a grain of salt. Reason is still at a p

PHILOSOPHY

859-1941)

Evolution, Matter and Memory

master of visual imagery who
aint a watercolor of it instead.
ment with him, but good luck

ptimistic, artistic.

the wars. Combated the de-
d-reproduce outlook of Dar­
n history as a contest between
rvatism, laws, and social pres­
living things (associated with
). Everyone was delighted to
given such a clear-cut distinc­
great impact on artists, polit­
his concept o f élan vital and
mory as the basis for Remem­
tbreak of World War II, how­
ontaneity again.
g.
at, though not without merit,
premium, after all. Moreover,

3*8 AN I N C O M P L E T

it's understandably difficult f
particularly one who, inste
chooses to describe life as
shells."

ALFRED NORT

Best-Known Works: Principia
the Modern World, Adventure

Readability: Perfectiy accessib
written for the layman.

Qualities of Mind: Idealistic,

Catchphrases: T h e philosophy

Influence: A mathematician
duced the first new system of
or not one cares about that s
tual monuments of all time.
metaphysical system of this c
of idealism, empiricism, mys
to name just a few. Aimed at
ical tradition, explain absolut
G o d to exist in the modern w
ries of change and actualizati

E EDUCATION
for any philosophy department to embrace a mystic,
ead of producing a coherent system of thought,
a "shell bursting into fragments which are again

H WHITEHEAD (1861-1947)

a Mathematica (with Bertrand Russell), Science and
es of Ideas.
ble, provided you stick to the latter two, which were

mystical, religious, balanced, thorough, disciplined.
y of organism, occasions, and becomings.
turned metaphysician; his work with Russell pro­
f logic since Aristotle, the Principia, which whether
sort of thing, is considered one of the great intellec­

On his own, worked out the most comprehensive
century ("the philosophy of organism"), a synthesis
sticism, mathematics, God, Darwin, and Bergson,
t a general theory that would, in the best metaphys­
tely everything, and one that would make it O K for
world. His philosophy, which revolved around theo­
ion of potentiality, is now called "process theology."

Personal Gossip: Reputed to have been a kind man w
him, although they were always worrying about mo
Current Standing: Universally admired for the pure
his balanced intelligence, his ability to incorporat
without getting silly, and his unwavering faith in t
standing. But since no subsequent philosopher has
of them believe in God, his metaphysics is already

LUDWIG WITTGENSTEI

Best-Known Works: Tractatus Logico-philosophicus,
Readability: Bedside reading for Bauhaus fans; oddl
especially the Tractatus, which was intended as a
added advantage of being only seventy-five pages lo
can't put down, but if you're in the right mood, it r
Qualities of Mind: Intense, penetrating, exacting, o
Catchphrases: Language games; whereof one cannot
main silent; don't ask for the meaning, ask for the u
Influence: Seminal—and central—figure in linguis
nant trends of modern philosophy (and Cambridg
existentialism). Was convinced that language creat
and that most philosophical problems are merely th
use of language; experience only seems complicated
scriptions of it, which represent knots in our under
and, according to the theory, philosophical questio

PHILOSOPHY

whose wife was a great help to
oney.
e scope of his understanding,
te dualities into vast schémas
the possibility of total under­
s shared that faith, and so few
obsolete.

I N (1889-1951)

Philosophical Investigations.
ly and intriguingly structured,
model of clarity and has the
ong. Not the kind of book you
reads a little like poetry.
riginal, analytical.
t speak, thereon one must re­
use.
tic analysis, one of the domi­
ge's answer to sloppy French
tes a picture of the real world
he result of philosophers' mis­
d because of our confused de­
standing. Untangle the knots
ons will simply dissolve. Was

31° AN I N C O M P L E T

notable for having formulated
which (called ordinary-langu
or picture theory). Was a ma
logical positivists.

Personal Gossip: A rich kid w
didn't want his friends to lik
ing his first book, spent a
contemplating suicide. Buil
standing architecture. Could
Took up philosophy again an

Current Standing: Early Wittg
no one is into logical atomis
the subject is still hot stuff i
philosopher.

JOHN D

Best-Known Works: Democrac
School and Society.

Readability: N o laughs, no te

Qualities of Mind: Robust, pra

Catchphrases: Progressive educ

Influence: A n intellectual act
dominant American philosop
instrument for guiding huma

E EDUCATION
d two separate philosophical systems, the second of
uage philosophy) refuted the first (logical atomism,
ajor influence on yet another group of moderns, the

who gave away his inheritance because, he said, he
ke him for his money. Quit philosophy after finish­

few years teaching grade school in the Alps and
t a mansion for his sister that is considered out­
d whistle difficult passages of music from memory.
nd became a cult hero at Cambridge.
genstein gets raves for sheer brilliance, even though
sm anymore; his later work gets mixed reviews, but
n England and America. On the whole, a prestige

DEWEY (1859-1952)

cy and Education, Reconstruction in Philosophy, The

ars, just earnest American textbook prose.
actical, down-to-earth, zealous, democratic.
cation, learning by doing.
tivist, a thinker for the heartland, and one of the
phers of the century. Conceived of philosophy as an
an action, and turned James' theoretical pragma-

tism into an applied science, using pragmatic princ
porary social issues. Developed a biology-based the
ing the problem-solving nature of human thought
of experimentation in learning. Famous for using
American educational system, rejecting learning b
doing. A champion of collective social power.

Personal Gossip: None.

Current Standing: T h e thoroughly relevant philos
on the basis of his ideas because these were never s
even harder to argue with his success in implemen
is still open to debate; Bertrand Russell accused Pra
in making truth out to be nothing more than a too
that Dewey's "intoxication" with social power w
fronting modern man. All we know is, Johnny still

Toys in the A

FIVE FAMOUS PHIL
MIND GAMES

ZENO'S ARROW: One of the best-known of the pa
contingent of early Greek logicians liked to amus
trated the impossibility of motion or change. The
is an apparent example of motion. But at any given
row is either where it is or where it is not. If it m
standing still, and if it moves where it is not, then
move. This sort of thing drove Zeno's friends craz
voked a crisis among metaphysicians, who were, fo
reconciling the basic features of permanence and
vast literature that set about trying to prove, dispr
sions. In fact, you could probably still get a lively d
ing on the subject today, given the right crowd and

PLATO'S CAVE: T h e famous allegory with which
mouthpiece, tries to explain the nature of huma
Socrates, a bunch of people who've spent their who

PHILOSOPHY 31?

ciples to help resolve contem­
eory of knowledge, emphasiz­
processes and the importance
g these theories to reform the
by rote in favor of learning by

sopher. Hard to criticize him
upposed to be eternal verities;
nting them. Pragmatism itself
agmatists of "cosmic impiety"
ol for human use, and warned
was the greatest danger con­
l can't read.

Attic

LOSOPHICAL
S

aradoxes with which a whole
se themselves; this one illus­
flight of an arrow, said Zeno,
n moment of its flight, the ar­
moves where it is, it must be
n it can't be there; thus it can't
zy, of course, but it also pro­
or a long time, concerned with
change. It also gave rise to a
rove, or avoid Zeno's conclu­
dinner-table conversation go­
d plenty to drink.

Plato, using Socrates as his
an knowledge. Picture, says
ole lives chained up in an un-