An Incomplete Education - 3,684 Things You Should Have Learned but Probably Didn't

^82 AN I N C O M P L E T

friends of the administration
mayor Arnoldo Alernan, accu
dent, spent a lot of tax mone
ered to be among Latin Am
boulevards, admiring the sp
malls you can't afford to shop
your gardening gloves! If you
ing coffee beans, bananas, s
were confiscated during the r
owners, while land that was
or promised to the contras in
ownership still in legal limbo

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
bly mestizos, like nearly 70 per
whole lives picking cotton, ba
animals by the folks up at the
revolution at some point (or
now they're beginning to feel
still afford tortillas to wrap th
ners with your date's uncles a
were split during Nicaragua's
istas while the other fought w
the contras demobilized (part
ever, many Sandinistas and c
not much has changed for the
fact, the only person your da
local priest. Nicaragua's Cat
America, played a key role in
Sandinistas' rebellion, though
else in the country. In the
Church helped pave the way f
the revolution, the Church ga
since 1980, which many peop
know exacdy what it's going t
election.

E EDUCATION

n. You 11 also enjoy taking in the sights. Former
used of looting the treasury when he became presi­
ey beautifying the capital, which was once consid­
merica's ugliest. You'll be able to stroll the broad
lashing fountains, the luxury hotels, and the new
p in. If your date lives out in the countryside, bring
u're lucky, you might make half a dollar a day pick­
ugarcane, or cotton. Many of the big estates that
revolution are now being reclaimed by their former
redistributed to peasant farmers during the 1980s,
n return for demobilizing after 1990, lies fallow, its
o.

O MEET YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: That they're proba­
rcent of the population, and that they've spent their
ananas, or coffee beans and being treated like dumb
e hacienda. They may have had high hopes for the
they may not have known it was going on), but by
nostalgic for the old Somoza days, when they could
heir beans in. And you may be sharing meager din­
and their families rather frequently. Many families
s civil war, with one sibling fighting for the Sandin­
with the contras, and estrangements lasted long after
tly because the Sandinistas never did). Now, how­
contras have been reconciled by the realization that
e better, no matter which side has been in power. In
ate's family is likely to have a good word for is the
tholic Church, one of the most radical in Latin
n mobilizing the campesinos in the early days of the
h it later became as politically divided as everyone
end, the bishops opted for moderation, and the
for the elections of 1990. At the 2003 celebration of
ave its blessing to the Sandinistas for the first time
ple on both sides see as a sign that the Sandinistas
to take to get back in power by the next presidential

POLIT

NIGERIA

THE LAYOUT: It's the biggest, fanciest house on th
shantytown—nine ramshackle converted colonies
looking as though their stilts are about to give wa
were all carved out of the mangrove swamp a cen
were thinking more about administrative convenien
erlands than about sensible zoning, with the resu
having to struggle to remain upright. Nigeria's the
leave West Africa and turn the corner into Equato
colony surrounded by former French ones, it's mu
and has, topographically, a lot more going on: swam
south, grasslands and savannas in the middle, semi
around 130 million inhabitants, it's also the most p
tinent and growing fast. According to the United
capital, could be one of the world's five largest citie
new capital, Abuja, an oasis of plate glass and pol
center of the country to avoid any taint of regional f
perience traffic jams. Designed to reflect Nigeria's
enties and early Eighties, when the country dream
global superpower, Abuja was also meant to serve lo
an escape from the continuously escalating crim

TICAL SCIENCE

he block, but the block's in a
s crowded together in a row,
ay. Not surprising, since they
ntury ago by imperialists who
nce for their respective moth­
ult that nearly all of them are
one at the far end, before you
orial Africa. A former British
uch bigger than its neighbors
mps and tropical forests in the
idesert in the far north. With
populous country on the con­
d Nations, Lagos, the former
es by the year 2010. Even the
lished marble set in the dead
favoritism, is beginning to ex­
high-roller image of the Sev­
med of becoming Africa's first
ocal and international VIPs as
me, congestion, and chaos of

1§4 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Lagos, which, aside from activ
travel destinations.

THE SYSTEM: A U.S.-style pr
root since 1979; unfortunately
guys in army boots periodicall
ident, now in his second four-y
is, how can they get 250 m
groups to function democrati
could start by rigging election
general, is accused of having
honored tradition of dispensi
supporters while disenfranchis
a potentially rich country wit
perennially itching for a coup.
became a federal republic
territories—North, West, and
tory of Lagos—loosely bound
north-south hostilities broke
over and held things togethe
assassination—until 1979, w
adopted and the country was
defuse regional antagonisms. (
capital territory, though nobo
years of corruption and mism
ment out of its misery. Genera
cenous, as far as your average N
Abacha took over. Abacha pro
his predecessors had establish
refreshing change of pace did
to civilians. Civilian rule was f
of a heart attack in 1998. A
been a tough sell to the many
weak central government and

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
world's sixth-leading exporter
variety of oil—and was, in the
created more problems than it
a boomtown atmosphere of hi
tic expectations; and a governm
was left holding a bag of unfu

E EDUCATION

ve combat zones, is one of the world s least relaxing

residential democracy has been struggling to take
y, the gardeners keep stealing the seedlings, and
ly trample the flowerbed. Currently, there's a pres­
year term, and a two-house assembly. The question
ostly impoverished and frequently hostile ethnic
ically in a sacked and gutted country? Well, you
ns, as President Olusegun Obasanji, a former army
g done. And you could carry on Nigeria's time-
ng favors—e.g., contracts, jobs, and cash—to your
sing the opposition. Still, it's risky business to run
th a dirt-poor but feisty population and a military
. Soon after gaining independence in 1960, Nigeria

comprising four more or less self-governing
d East Nigeria (a.k.a. Biafra) and the federal Terri­

together under a weak central government. When
out in 1966, the Supreme Military Council took
er—through a couple of attempted coups and an
when the American model of government was
s reorganized into nineteen states in an effort to
(That number has since grown to thirty-six plus the
dy seems to get along any better for it.) After four
management, the military put the civilian govern­
al followed general, all of them interchangeably lar­
Nigerian could tell, until 1994, when General Sani
omptly dismanded whatever democratic structures
hed, took greed and larceny to a new level, and in a
not immediately set a date for handing power back
finally reinstated soon after Abacha graciously died
new constitution was introduced in 1999, but it's
y Nigerians who are still agitating for a return to
a loose federation of states.

TO READ THE NEWSPAPERS: That Nigeria is the
r of oil—a particularly pure, particularly desirable
e 1970s, a Cinderella state for which sudden wealth

solved (e.g., an unstable, overspecialized economy;
igh inflation, widespread corruption, and unrealis­
ment that, when faced with a depressed oil market,
ulfilled promises it could no longer afford to keep).

POLIT

Also, that Nigeria has long ranked high on lists of th
tries (where it usually ties for first place with Haiti

Along with oil, Nigeria's got unification heada
can't understand each other's lingo, including three
each other, and a north-south split that led to civil
the Igbos (pronounced "EE-boze") of the southeas
Republic of Biafra, only to be blockaded inside th
land, where more than a million of them starved to
covering from five years of devil-may-care bruta
General Abacha, who managed to drive an already
and frighten one of Africa's boldest, most confiden
sembling submission. Nigeria was suspended from
in 1995 after Abacha, ignoring international outr
playwright and activist Ken Saro-Wiwa, who h
company exploitation.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A N
phone, waiting for your date to call? Don't take it p
telephones in Nigeria, but they hardly ever work.
great gift. Everyone—that is, everyone who can af
When you do finally get together, at least you won't
front of the TV, since the few T V s around are usua
afford to import anymore. Besides, you'll only have
the bigger cities, like Lagos, and even there the
evenings cuddled in the dark because of power outa
to the movies—or anywhere else—will be a hassle.
even if you're lucky enough to pay scalpers' prices
spend hours sitting in traffic jams, or "go-slows," du
on your guard against carjackers. Should you decid
pers, robbers, muggers, rioters, and car drivers—the
bother to stop when they've run over a pedestrian i
in the country, things are not that much safer, just l
ple are subsistence farmers who, despite the billions
have been stolen or squandered by corrupt politic
have less to eat today than they did back at indepe
of irritability, not to say psychosis, in your date. A
Niger Delta, where violent conflict between major o
and local militias kill about a thousand people a y
dolier your date is wearing is not a mere fashion st

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S P
Nigeria's many cities, they'll probably speak Engli

TICAL SCIENCE 385

he world's most corrupt coun­
and Bangladesh).
aches: 250 ethnic groups that
e big ones that actively dislike
war back in the Sixties, when
st tried to secede and form the
heir own barren (but oil-rich)
death. The country is still re­
ality and treasury-looting by
y shaky economy into the dirt
nt peoples into something re­
m the British Commonwealth
rage, executed the prominent
had campaigned against oil-

NIGERIAN: Still sitting by the
personally. There are plenty of

(A cell phone would make a
fford to eat—is getting them.)
t spend many boring nights in
ally missing parts nobody can
e electricity if you're in one of

two of you will spend most
ages. I f you are in Lagos, going

Your date may have a car, but
s for a few liters of gas, you'll
uring which you'll want to stay
de to walk, beware of kidnap­
e talk about drivers who don't
is not mere urban legend. Out
less crowded. Since most peo­
s of dollars in oil revenues that
cians over the last fifty years,
endence, you may notice signs
nd if you're down around the
oil companies, gangs of thugs,
year, be advised that the ban­
tatement.

PARENTS: If they live in one of
ish, but out in the bush, any-

386 AN I N C O M P L E T E

thing goes. It's just as well: Co
your chances of putting your f
tagonisms left over from colo
tratively into north and south
benefited from the best educa
ber that while it's standard pr
separate regions dominated by
region is anything like homo
might come in handy when m
(and are wearing turbans) th
and solidly Muslim. The Hau
or two in full regalia), are now
of the biggest Muslim commu
tians come out about even in c
ical influence, to the dismay of
(and are wearing flowing rob
scars on each cheek), congrat
known for their lavish hospita
cept for the robes, headpieces
are the Nigerians most likely t
country. They might be feelin
was introduced in northern Ni
preted it as part of a Muslim t
in the ensuing protests. You m
out that their fears were exagg
bilize the civilian government
enjoy your dinner.) Finally, if y
ries home, you can assume the
put-upon because, despite the
land, they've never, they insist
Don't mention Biafra, whome
anxiety attacks in a country s
tribal snub is likely to be seen a
toeing through the conversatio
here are not some principle-o
fact that tribal loyalties still so
est that a politician who didn't
kickbacks-worth-mentioning

E EDUCATION

ommunicating through sign language will minimize
foot in your mouth. The air is thick with ethnic an­
onial days, when the country was divided adminis­

and the southerners, who were mostly Christians,
ations and fastest economic development. Remem­
ractice to think of the country as three ethnically
y Nigeria's three largest ethnic groups, in reality no
ogeneous anymore. Still, some general guidelines
meeting your date's parents. If they live in the north
hey're probably Hausas—conservative, traditional,
sas once ruled empires (you might still see a sultan
w the largest ethnic group in Nigeria (which has one
unities in the world, although Muslims and Chris­
countrywide head counts), and wield a lot of polit­
f non-Hausas. If your date's parents live in the west
bes, matching headpieces, and three or four tribal
tulations! They're probably sophisticated Yorubas,
ality. Well-educated, thoroughly Westernized (ex­
, and scars) and about half Christians, the Yorubas
to be doctors, lawyers, writers, or presidents of the
ng a little tense, though. When sharia (Islamic law)
igeria in 2000, Christians living in the north inter­
takeover and a couple thousand people were killed
might try calming your date's parents by pointing
gerated, stoked by political factions hoping to desta­
t. (Or you might just keep your mouth shut and
your date's parents call one of the southeast territo­
ey're activist Christian Igbos, who feel chronically
e fact that most of Nigeria's oil is dug out of their
t, been given more than a tiny sliver of the profits.
ever you're talking to; the very name still provokes
so ethnically inflammable that even a minor inter­
as a threat to national security. And while you're tip­
onal minefields, remember that ethnic resentments
of-the-thing abstraction. They're a reaction to the
thoroughly outweigh any concept of national inter­
funnel all the plum jobs, government contracts, and
to his own tribe would be shunned as a turncoat.

THE LAYOUT: Say hello to the subcontinent (make s
the room before you go calling it the Indian subco
happen and something unimaginably gruesome us
to the west, angling down from the Hindu Kush an
bian Sea, marks the spot at which the Muslim and
of Pakistan are the rich relations: Iran and the Mid
ingly Muslim, if a bit unbalanced. Eastward yawn
Pakistan's Mommie Dearest. Travel northwest or d
pick of death traps: Afghanistan, happy campgroun
opium smugglers, especially along its notoriously po
Pakistan, and the chronically inflamed territory of
one's satisfaction, between India and Pakistan. Ju
which has a history of bad blood with both India a
blows kisses and sends weapons to Pakistan across s
passable mountains. All in all, Pakistan comprise
Frontier, Punjab, Sindh, and Baluchistan) and a t
tered Tribal Areas), each with a mind—and weapo
of colorful cities and towns, including rich, conserv
raunchy, dangerous Karachi, the major seaport; Ra
tary; and Peshawar, the wild frontier town that's be
tion center for Islamic holy warriors from around th

sure there are no Pakistanis in
ntinent), where anything can
sually does. Pakistan, the slab
nd the Himalayas to the Ara­
d Hindu worlds collide. West
dle Eastern gang, all reassur­
ns the gaping maw of India,
due north and you've got your
nd for warlords, militants, and
orous 1,500-mile border with
f Kashmir, partitioned, to no
ust beyond Kashmir, China,
and the former Soviet Union,
some of the world's most im­
es four provinces (Northwest
territory (Federally Adminis­
ons—of its own, and a clutch
vative Islamabad, the capital;
awalpindi, home of the mili­
ecome the unofficial conven­
he world.

288 AN I N C O M P L E T E

THE SYSTEM: Parliamentary p
Pakistan was carved out of old
lims, India inherited the colo
got bad memories and a lot of
ernment here has been very m
floundering habitually culmin
Minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto,
(and later hanged) by his chi
who'd claimed he'd only be ar
twisted the constitution arou
force Islamic law. In 1988, Zi
cession of shaky civilian gov
corruption, incompetence, an
trymen, who, with the except
in Paris, tend to be mud-hut
Twice, these administrations w
daughter of the former prime
a Muslim country and the fi
General Pervez Musharraf s
under military rule, causing
suspension from the British C
clared himself president. In
that year, then declared hims
constitutional referendum tha
five years while allowing him
constitution to grant himself m
pick whomever he wants to b
and to dismiss an elected parl
cil, dominated by the milita
However, the four provincial
own and aren't shy about blo
after surviving four assassina
to be the only person in the co
be a Muslim, by the way, and
law) and British common law

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
War meant that Pakistan, w
Communist March on Asia
Washington's A-list. The Wh
for a couple of reasons. One,
erate Islamic state in a part o

E EDUCATION

pseudo-democracy in uniform. Back in 1947, when
d British India as a homeland for South Asia's M u s ­
onial bureaucracy more or less intact, while Pakistan
soldiers trained in the Indian army. As a result, gov­
much in the Argentine mold—a few years of civilian
nating in a military takeover. In 1977, it was Prime
, a Perôn-like populist demagogue, who got bumped
ief of staff, General Muhammad Zia ul-Haq. Zia,
round for ninety days, appointed himself president,
und to inflate presidential power, and began to en­
ia was killed in a mysterious airplane crash. A suc­
vernments followed, all remarkably similar in their
nd let-them-eat-cake attitudes toward their coun­
tion of a few wealthy landowners given to shopping
dwellers, well near the bottom of the poverty scale.
were led by Benazir Bhutto, the Radcliffe-educated
minister, who became the first woman ever to head
irst to be dismissed, twice, for corruption. In 1999
staged a bloodless coup that put the country back
much international finger-wagging and Pakistan's
Commonwealth. Ho hum. In 2001, Musharraf de­
2002, he announced that elections would be held
self the winner of a controversial and probably un­
at gave him the presidency on a platter for another
to remain head of the army. H e then amended the
many wonderful new powers, including the right to
be Supreme Court judges and military commanders
liament. H e also created a National Security Coun­
ary, that has power over the civilian government.
administrations retain considerable power of their
owing raspberries at the central government. And
ation attempts in two years, Musharraf really ought
ountry who wants his job. Pakistan's president must
the legal system is a combination of sharia (Islamic
w.

O READ THE NEWSPAPERS: That the end of the Cold
hose frontline position in the defense against the
no longer mattered, was suddenly dropped from
hite House kept Islamabad on speed-dial, however,
it saw the wisdom of maintaining ties with a mod­
f the world increasingly given to wild-eyed Koran-

POLIT

brandishing and the slaughter of infidels. Two, the
pute over the largely Muslim state of Kashmir and
to relinquish and which Pakistan insisted should
controlled—Kashmir next door. (For the record, th
selves would prefer to be independent of both coun
want?) The West finds this conflict riveting bec
have nuclear weapons and a make-my-day attitud
turned around, sort of, after September 1 1 , 2 0 0 1 . G
as Washington's point man in the "war on terror" (
aid, plus U . S . support for his regime), on one h
growing number of radical Islamist groups (but end
heaps of rubble where towns used to be), on the
chose both sides. Ignoring threats and dodging b
word's trickiest juggling acts (in addition to dis
groups both domestic and global, the president m
istani army, which is packed with high-level, ha
Pakistan's new willingness to dance with India, afte
with both the United States and China.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A
given us enough information. "Pakistani" doesn't
New York, London, or one of the Gulf states, whe
men work to support their wives and families back
date's just using you to get a green card). Within P
tury after partition, the concept of nationhood is st
or deeply rooted—than cable TV. So who's your
Punjab? A litde gardening experience should go a l
based economy, most farms consist o f only five or
chant from Sindh? H e or she may be a muhajir, o
(or their descendants) who fled India at the time
better-educated than the locals, soon controlled th
merce, but were never entirely accepted by the n
from Baluchistan? Make sure your life insurance
well spend thrilling Saturday nights blowing up pi
government reaps all the rewards from gas that's p
cestral lands. A mullah from the Northwest Fron
jeopardy. Until the Saudis began opening the rel
that educated a generation of Taliban, mullahs, th
lamic clerics, were usually considered ignorant
standards—which is saying something in a country
cent, max (much, much lower if you count girls,
does). To further strain your relationship, Pashtun

TICAL SCIENCE 3?9

ere was that nasty, ongoing dis­
d Jammu, which India refused
d join "free"—read Pakistani-
he Kashmiri insurgents them­
ntries, but who cares what they
ause both India and Pakistan
de toward using them. Things
Given a choice between acting
(and receiving tons of financial
hand, and placating Pakistan's
ding up like Afghanistan, with
e other, Musharraf prudendy
bullets, he manages one of the
sgrunded mullahs and radical
must mollify the powerful Pak­
ard-line Islamists). Note, too,
er nervously watching her flirt

PAKISTANI: Sorry, you haven't
t mean much unless you're in
ere a couple million remittance
k home (sorry, sweetheart, your
Pakistan, more than half a cen­
till not much more prevalent—
r date? A tenant farmer from
long way; in this agriculturally
r six acres of land. A rug mer­
one of the millions of refugees
e of partition and who, being
he country's industry and com­
neighborhood. A tribal leader

premiums are paid; you may
ipelines to protest the way the
pumped out of your date's an­
ntier Province? That's double
ligious schools, or madrassas,
he lowest-ranking of local Is­
and bigoted even by village
y with a literacy rate of 50 per­
, which no one in these parts
ns, as the northwesterners are

39° AN I N C O M P L E T

called, have Pakistan's most
where they like to tell you a d
home and the grave." A note
capable of that sort of thing.
Pakistan, and the opium that
the northwest border accounts
that doesn't necessarily mean t
with you in the evenings. The
to include all types of intoxica
Of course, you can ignore man

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
bly not having a ball in thei
much violence! Sure, there h
vs. modernists, English-speak
istrators, the native-born vs. t
government—but they were
tension between majority Su
fodder for scholarly debate, n
mosques. This surely wasn't w
ginning, when they dreamed
cially a religion as loosely inte
substitute for a common natio
stitutions. Things started to
miles away, rebelled against l
made a bid to secede. After be
backed by India, which launc
its knees and allowed for the
tized and humiliated, with its
into an emotional tailspin fr
haven't fully recovered. Try
broadly when they brag about
tist, who secretly helped Liby
programs. Despite the outra
claims he acted alone (do not
Pakistani government and rem

E EDUCATION

male-dominated society. This is the kind of place
ozen times a day that "women have no place but the
e to dopers: Exercise extreme caution, if you're still
Marijuana, both wild and cultivated, grows all over
t's been produced for centuries along both sides of
s for a large percentage of the country's real GDP, but
that your date's going to want to fire up the old bong
Islamic injunction against alcohol has been stretched
ation. (Your date may or may not take this seriously.)
ny of these warnings if your date is very rich.

O MEET YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: That they're proba-
ir golden years. So many divisive elements and so
have always been splits in society—fundamentalists
kers vs. Urdu-speakers, the army vs. civilian admin-
the mujahirs, various tribes and clans vs. the central
usually held below the boiling point. The ongoing
nnis and minority Shi'ites, for instance, used to be
not, as it is today, a pretext for bombing each other's
what your date's folks had in mind back at the be-
of creating a Muslim homeland. But religion, espe-
erpreted as Islam, has so far turned out to be a poor
onality, shared culture, or established democratic in-
go sour in 1971, when East Pakistan, a thousand
long-distance government from West Pakistan and
eing ruthlessly suppressed, the East Pakistanis were
ched an offensive that forced the Pakistani army to
e creation of an independent Bangladesh. Trauma-
s very raison d'être suddenly in doubt, Pakistan went
rom which your date's parents, among others, still

boosting your date's parents' self-esteem; smile
t Abdul Qadeer Khan, Pakistan's top nuclear scien-
ya, North Korea, and Iran develop nuclear weapons
age of the international community, Khan, who
mutter "Yeah, right") was quickly pardoned by the
mains a national hero to his compatriots.

POLIT

SAUDI ARABI

THE LAYOUT: 830,000 square miles of stupefying d
tinely in excess of 118 degrees and nary a river, stre
oil fields are in the east, over near the Persian Gu
Mecca and Medina, along with Jeddah, the leadin
near the Red Sea; Riyadh, the capital, is in the big
preserve of the Sauds, the country's ruling family;
dry, Texas-sized Rub al Khali, the Empty Quarte
avoid. In fact, only 2 percent of the country is suita
date palm.
THE SYSTEM: A feudalistic monarchy, even if the
seven decades old. The royal family, consisting of
princes and an equal number of princesses, is des
Saud, the man who back in 1932 established a kin
rival desert tribes and a couple of shards of the fo
since, he and a succession of four of the oldest of h
recently kingship always passed through the first
one) have ruled with absolute authority. Today's
named Abdullah, and all the ranking cabinet minis
as every one of the thirteen regional governors, ar
sons, sons-in-law, or nephews. (Not for nothing do
a country, it's a family") In 1992 then-king Fahd p
Basic Law of Government, the closest thing it's ev

TICAL SCIENCE

IA

desert, with temperatures rou­
eam, or hotel bar in sight. The
ulf; the Muslim holy cities of
ng port, are in the west, over

middle chunk, the traditional
and to the south is the bone-
er, which even the Bedouins
able for growing so much as a

country is only a little over
something like five thousand
cended from Abdul Aziz ibn
ngdom out of a patchwork of
ormer Ottoman Empire. Ever
his forty-four sons (until fairly
king, rather than the current
king (and prime minister) is
sters and ambassadors, as well
re his brothers, half-brothers,
o the Israelis grumble, "It's not
resented the country with the
ver had to a written constitu-

391 AN I N C O M P L E T

tion, and rejuvenated the roy
too. The following year he es
now made up of 150 promine
bers and can, at any point, di
there is an established forum
the crown prince and virtually
ularly scheduled maj/ises, som
which they hear all gripes an
The other authority in this p
gious scholars and priests, w
tional judicial system (sharia
occasion even overriding the
national elections—a big deal
councils were at stake, women
came from lists preapproved

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW T
ting on more than a quarter o
shot, its largest oil exporters
they're using, not selling, mos
sooner). That this, and not s
for feudalistic monarchies, wa
the line back in 1990. And th
left Saudi Arabia with a lot of
dreds of thousands of infide
camped out along their pipe
that sees itself as the world c
were a sacrilege. Feeling unw
Qatar in 2003, but that didn'
groups from bombing the Sau
lit a fire, so to speak, under th
to crack down on terrorist typ
between traditionalists and m
between its close ties to the
pervading the Middle East.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW I
she'll be a teacher, a nurse, a
aren't many professional optio
to drive—though a lot of them
on closed-circuit T V so that
most likely be veiled and cove

E EDUCATION

yal talent pool by including grandsons of Ibn Saud,
stablished the Majlis Al Shura, an advisory council
ent Saudi citizens. True, the king appoints its mem­
ismiss them and appoint new ones, but at least now
m where nonroyals can talk things over. Meanwhile,
y every other royal functionary continue to hold reg­
mewhere between an audience and an open house, at
nybody in the kingdom cares, and dares, to make.
patriarchal, puritanical nation: the ulama, the reli­
who function not only as clergy but also as the na­
rules), meting out punishments Koran-style and on
monarch. In 2004 Saudi Arabia held its first-ever
l here, even though only half the seats on municipal
n were not allowed to vote, and most of the winners
by fundamentalist clerics.

TO READ THE NEWSPAPERS: That the Saudis are sit­
of the world's proven oil reserves and are, by a long
s (the United States and Russia pump more, but
st of it and they're going to run out of the stuff much
some pietistic resolve to keep the Persian Gulf safe
as why we were so willing to put American lives on
at, in addition to a bill for $55 billion, the Gulf War
f seriously upset religious leaders for whom the hun­
l American soldiers, some of whom were women,
lines—this, in an isolationist, fundamentalist state
center of Islam and guardian of the Holy Cities—
welcome, the Americans finally moved next door to
t stop any number of by now wildly enraged radical
udi capital, Riyadh, soon afterward. And that finally
he notoriously slow-moving monarchy, prompting it
pes, despite the fact that the royal family is itself split
modernists and is feeling the pain of being squeezed
United States and the virulent anti-Americanism

F YOU'RE DATING A SAUDI: I f your date's a woman,
social worker, a princess, or unemployed; there still
ons for Saudi women—and they still aren't allowed
m do go to college, where they listen to the lectures
they won't breathe the same air as the guys. She'll
ered head to toe by a loose-fitting black abaya (only

POLIT

men get to wear white in this heat). The really good
top religious leader banned forced marriages—but
ally eschewing them out in the boonies. If you're dat
much easier, especially if he's a member of, friend of
ily, in which case he's making plenty of money ag
years in which he may have had to pass on that
Turbo. If he's not well connected, he'll probably
guest workers do the menial jobs to which Saudi m
most of the demanding high-level ones that require
your average university graduate, who majored in
Wahhabism, the particularly austere brand of Islam
religion. In any event, you won't be hard up for crea
own an air conditioner, a washing machine, a radio
in town, four or five D V D players. D o stay on your
or religious police, keep an eye round the clock o
drug use, gambling, begging, and homosexuality t
out from under a woman's veil; to dating couples s
area" of the snack bar out at the new shopping mall
rooftop water tanks, capable of beaming C N N — o r w
into Saudi homes from neighboring Bahrain. Mos
big-deal offenses of murder, adultery, and heresy if
Nevertheless, keep Fridays free for public beheading

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO M E E T YOUR DATE'S

words will prove that your heart's in the right place.
tawin, which you've already learned, add hajj, the pi
mad's birthplace, which every Muslim is enjoined to
b e t t e r have a damn good excuse), and salat al-fajr,
compulsory prayer sessions in the course of the day
talked of, and how he united Saudi Arabia "by the w
of his right hand." Don't, however, allude to his ol
posed in 1964 for wantonness and incompetence),
Faisal comes up (he returned the country to moral
bility, and was assassinated by a nephew in 1975 i
routine majlis). You might lament the passing of th
mads of yore, falcons perched on their wrists and s
who are now down to a population somewhere betw
ford's. Or you might simply gape at the modernizat
of-Babel construction crews (all those guest worke
airports that claim to be the world's largest.

TICAL SCIENCE

d news: In 2005, the country's
don't count on anyone's actu­
ting a man, things will be that
f, or supplier to the royal fam­
gain after a few relatively lean
t fifth Rolls-Royce Corniche
be unemployed. Millions of
men refuse to stoop, as well as
e knowledge never acquired by
n theology and studied only
m that is the country's official
ature comforts. Most families
o, a television, and, if they live
toes, however. T h e mutawin,
on everything from drinking,
to the strands of hair straying
sitting together in the "family
l; to satellite dishes, hidden in
worse, Desperate Housewives—
t Saudis manage to avoid the
they're paying attention at all.
gs and/or stonings.

PARENTS: A COUple of Arabic

. To majlis and ulama and mu­
ilgrimage to Mecca, Muham­
o make once in his life (or he'd

or dawn prayers, one of five
y. Old Abdul Aziz may still be
will of Allah and the strength
ldest son, Saud (who was de­

and be respectful if the name
rectitude and fiscal responsi­
n the middle of an otherwise
he Bedouins, those proud no­
salukis prancing at their sides,
ween Sacramento's and Hart­
tion—car dealerships, Tower-
ers), and at least three major

394 AN I N C O M P L E T E

SW

THE LAYOUT: Small, landlock
tom by mountain ranges (th
(Geneva and Constance), an
rushing streams, hiking trails
among the highest heroin-ad
Europe. Derives its language
western sector (focused on G
tors (focused on Zurich and c
and the south gesticulates in

THE SYSTEM: Federal republic
the most direct and most genu
enda ("Should we decriminal
days a year?" "Should we s
initiatives, and gung-ho gover
are called cantons, and there a
don't ask—each with its own
general, not that many Swiss
this, pundits point out, only p
ity with something at stake in
the bewildered mutterings of
turn out to vote. There is no
land's executive branch, choos
new president and vice presid
eign dignitaries and toasting v
sents one of the leading pol
power, however, both politica
ence in Switzerland), has trad
hundred industrialists, farmer
hammer out consensuses in
and a two-house legislature ex

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
is devoutly neutral and has be
only does it have a long histor
(of which the Swiss Guards
throughout the Cold War, Eu
reserve system that kept every
hour call until he turned fifty
the Alps are alive with the fifte

E EDUCATION

WITZERLAND

ed nation of central Europe, sealed off top and bot­
he Jura and the Alps) and on either side by lakes
nd full o f edelweiss, brass cowbells, fondue pots,
s, snow-capped peaks, ski resorts, and, it turns out,

diction, youth suicide, and HIV-infection rates in
es and cultural preferences from its neighbors: The
Geneva) speaks French; the central and eastern sec­
constituting the bulk of the country) speak German;
Italian.

c, officially known as the Swiss Confederation. Still
uine democracy going anywhere, with lots of refer­
ize abortion?'' "Should we have four car-free Sun­
shut down our nuclear power plants?"), citizens'
rnment at the state and local levels. (The states here
are twenty-six of them, including six half-cantons—
n constitution, budget, and laws.) It's true that in
actually know what any given election is about, but
prevents a tyranny of the majority, since any minor­
n a given election can usually make itself heard over
f the 40-something percent of voters who actually
o prime minister, and the federal council, Switzer­
ses annually, from among its own seven members, a
dent, who'll spend most of their time greeting for­
visiting dance troupes. Each council member repre­
litical parties and heads a cabinet ministry. Real
al and economic (not that it's easy to tell the differ­
ditionally been concentrated in the hands of a few
rs, bankers, trade union leaders, and the like, who
"preparliamentary commissions." Political parties
xist but have agreed to agree on most issues.

O READ THE NEWSPAPERS: That while Switzerland
een for centuries, it's not the least bit pacifist. Not
ry of supplying mercenaries to the rest of the world
in the Vatican are the last vestige), it maintained,
urope's second-largest army (after Germany) and a
y able-bodied man in the country on twenty-four-
y—all to defend a population of six million. Today,
een thousand or so armed bunkers and secret tunnel

POLIT

systems built throughout the twentieth century, maj
derground hangars ready to disgorge fighter jets at
until 2002 that voters finally ditched the law that ha
every Swiss home and business to have its own fallou
already been doing interim duty as laundry rooms an

Also, that the exponential growth of the right-win
and the election of its billionaire industrialist leader
cil in 2003 (the party's second) finally upset the gent
ment known as the "Magic Formula," which ha
collegiality above partisanship and allowed differin
lesce into a remarkably stable federal government. T
tionalist SVP has encouraged the Swiss to shelve—y
joining the E U and prompted Swiss banks to resist
sure to loosen the secrecy laws that have made Swi
Shangri-la for corrupt dictators, drug cartels, and te

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A swi
conservatism, claustrophobia, and early-to-bed-ear
son down. Who, after all, really enjoys feeling as if
and confined to his bed in the local sanitarium? (An
pride in the fact that he's a citizen of the one Europ
be mentioned in a college-level European-histor
missed? Ditto that, apart from Jean-Jacques Rouss
ary tradition is pretty much summed up by Willia
Family Robinson}) Even if your date seems content
making, banking, or pharmaceuticals business, h
down—just like the Swiss economy, which recendy
your currency and trade laws in perpetual quarantin
ing a global recession. Try to cheer up your date w
why it took women until 1971 to get the vote in Sw
Switzerland; women in one German-speaking cant
local issues for another twenty years). If that does
discreetly search the house for a military rifle and
Until recently, these were required gear for every m
opponents of gun control love to point to the heavil
ne plus ultra of homeland security (and to gloat ove
rate), but the Swiss themselves recently decided diff
ical suicide rate.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S P
Europe's oldest republic, and that's nice. Also, it's b
conflict since 1815, and that's nice, too, provided y

TICAL SCIENCE 395

jor cities are still ringed by un­
t the first alarm, and it wasn't
ad, for half a century, required
ut shelter—although these had
nd wine cellars for decades.
ng Swiss People's Party (SVP)
r to a seat on the federal coun­
teel power-brokering arrange­
ad, for forty-four years, put
ng political viewpoints to coa­
The rising influence of the na­
yet again—any nascent idea of
increasing international pres­
itzerland a money-laundering
errorist groups worldwide.

iss: That all that materialism,
rly-to-rise stuff can get a per­
he's permanendy on sedatives
nd who could really take much
pean country that might never
y textbook and not even be
seau—see page 594—its liter­
am Tell, Heidi, and The Swiss

to follow Papa in the watch­
he or she may seem a litde
y discovered that even putting
ne won't keep you from catch­
with a stimulating debate over
witzerland (at least in most of
ton weren't allowed to vote on
sn't work, excuse yourself and
d a locked box of ammunition.
man in the army reserve. U.S.
ly armed Swiss citizenry as the
er the country's low gun-crime
ferently, given that astronom­

PARENTS: Well, Switzerland is
been officially neutral in every
you don't get hung up on how,

AN I N C O M P L E T E

as a neutral, it sold corn, whea
shipping all of the above on i
On second thought, best not t
going on the morality of iso
United Nations until 2002),
ordered country and on their
and fashionable and the diss
twentieth century included T
syn, Lenin, and Tristan Tzara
als and overreaching fashion
your date's parents' bosom, how
daughter not to marry "foreign
yond the Alps but those area
she does.

THE LAYOUT: Small, teardrop
capital), and, officially, the R
miles off the southern coast o
tries in the world, and, becau
mountain range running spin
gested than they sound: 23 m
this, as farmland is converte
motorbikes, and make laptop
Connecticut.

THE SYSTEM: A wildly success
only since 2000). Was under s

E EDUCATION

at, and armaments to the Nazis and made a bundle
its strategically located Germany-to-italy railways.
to rock the boat at Sunday dinner. So before you get
olationism (Switzerland didn't decide to join the

compliment your hosts on running such a well-
reputation as a haven for émigrés, of both the rich
ident and brooding varieties. (Visitors during the
Thomas Mann, James Joyce, Aleksandr Solzhenit-
a plus, in the former category, various deposed roy­
designers.) Don't expect necessarily to be taken to
wever: Many a Swiss mother to this day advises her
n"—a category that includes not only the world be­
s within them that don't speak the same language

TAIWAN

p-shaped island—a.k.a. Formosa, Taipei (after its
Republic of China—located less than a hundred
o f the other China. One of the most crowded coun­
use of the rugged and heavily forested Chungyang
nelike down its middle, things are even more con­
million people eat, sleep, love, plow (less and less of
ed into industrial parks), tool around on their
p computers in an area considerably smaller than

sful capitalist-style democracy (the democracy part
strict martial law for four decades, with local legend

POLIT

Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek, followed by his
Ching-kuo, as president. It was Chiang junior who
died, sniffed the Taipei air, realized the middle clas
repression forever, and got liberalization rolling. Ou
ties were legalized, press restrictions eased, and th
killing of political opponents phased out. H e also o
cation with the mainland. Today there's a multipa
national assembly (currently ceding power to a leg
yuans, or councils. T h e biggest difference, though,
actually vote for your president and representatives
their being in office for the rest of their, and your, l

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ T H E NEWSPAP

in this case the 1949 chase by a zillion Red Chinese
nese Nationalists, the Kuomintang ( K M T ) of Chi
the Formosa Strait and set them all down on Taiw
take a bath before turning around to recapture the
territory they'd just lost to Mao. Nearly four decade
an increasingly autocratic bunch of very old men—t
to them behind their backs as the "old thieves"—wh
fice season after season, year after year, because, gi
and his men as the legitimate government o f all C
possibly be held until all Chinese, from the Vietnam
one, could be gotten to the polls. (Meanwhile th
that they were the true rulers of all of China, althou
time worrying about niceties like voting, plus they,
95 percent of China's area and population.) A coupl
touches here: First, as a result of both Taipei's and P
mer's simply declaring its independence and movin
in terms of logic, let alone the gunboats the Reds k
out of the question and, more than that, proof of
about reunification, not that anybody thought it w
for as long as the K M T were camped out on the
who probably wouldn't have minded hosting Chian
months, or even years, were relegated to the status
turf yet. For years, things went Taiwan's way: Th
China stance, not only keeping it in the United Na
power on the Security Council. The trouble started
nized Mainland China and "derecognized" Taiwan
stir-fry bean curd, Taiwan was ousted from the Un
the People's Republic installed. In 1972, Nixon vis
severed relations with Taipei and normalized them

TICAL SCIENCE 397

s son, the panda-like Chiang
o in 1986, two years before he
ss wasn't going to put up with
ut of the blue, opposition par­
he imprisonment, torture, and
opened up lines of communi­
rty setup, with a president, a
gislative one), and a clutch of

is that now not only can you
s, you don't have to anticipate
lives.

PERS: Let's CUt tO the chase

e of two million defeated Chi­
ang, who ferried them across
wan to catch their breath and
e four million square miles of
es later, they were still waiting,
the native Taiwanese referred
ho, in the meantime, held of­
iven that Chiang saw himself
China, new elections couldn't
mese border to the Mongolian
e mainland Chinese believed
ugh they didn't waste valuable
at least, really did account for
le of additional mad-tea-party
Peking's claims, talk of the for­
ng on to some next thing was,
kept threatening to send over,
f sedition. (Yes, you could talk
as in the cards.) Second, that
island, the native Taiwanese,
ng and his men for a couple of
s of nonpeople, and on home
e West endorsed its we-are-
ations but preserving its veto
in 1964, when France recog­
n. In less time than it takes to
nited Nations altogether and
sited Beijing; in 1978, Carter
m with the mainland (though

32? AN I N C O M P L E T E

pointing out that the United
invading the island). Since th
to war with the mainland and
mate ruler, and the Chinese g
ous "one country, two govern
estrangement that must inevi
been booming. In recent years
number-one export customer
mainland, where a million Ta
vs.-independence debate neve
more outspoken Taiwanese—
wanese—wonder why they ha
when they're obviously a grow
the mainland government, w
Taiwan Strait, sends crystal-c
ties—it would rather blow the

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW I
one big Conrucius-meets-H
annual-per-capita-income-so
still-growing tale. And unlik
South Korea, with their high
its money largely through hu
factories, with M o m and Pop
and cheating on their taxes (
bribes on election day). You
parental example, but he or s
success, and money—and to
lives and whether his parents
wanese, your date may be co
tween the old K M T , which
newly powerful Democratic P
independence. Feel free to pro
est in and commitment to
promising that we'll actually i
Don't worry, though: Your da
probably just as soon keep m
copacetic—as long as he or sh

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
economic miracle, long before
land, a beautiful island, calle

E EDUCATION

States still wouldn't look favorably on a third party's
e early 1990s, when Taiwan finally declared an end
d gave up its cockamamie claim to be China's legiti­
government, for its part, came up with the ambigu­
nments" formula to describe what it still sees as an
itably lead to reunification, cross-Strait business has
s, China has edged out the United States as Taiwan's
and Taiwan has become the biggest investor on the
aiwanese now live and work. Still, the reunification-
er stops being a cliff-hanger, as the ever richer and
—who increasingly see themselves as, well, Tai­
ave to keep pretending to be China's prodigal child
wn-up nation with an apartment of their own, and
hich keeps hundreds of missiles pointed across the
clear messages that—with all due respect to family
e island off the map than allow it to secede.

IF YOU'RE DATING A TAIWANESE: It really has been
Horatio-Alger, electricity-comes-to-the-straw-hut,
oars-from-a-postwar-$162-to-$25,000-today-and-
ke such fellow "Asian tigers" as Hong Kong and
h-profile multinational corporations, Taiwan made
undreds of thousands of mom-and-pop shops and
p working day and night, reinvesting their earnings,

a time-honored custom here, along with accepting
ur date may be too spoiled to want to follow the
she is likely to believe wholeheartedly in ambition,

cheat on his or her taxes. Depending on where he
s were refugees from the mainland or native Tai­
onsumed by politics, caught up in the tensions be­
favors eventual reunification with China, and the
Progressive Party (DPP), which is vociferously pro-
ovide your date with assurances of America's inter­

Taiwan, but be darned sure you stop short of
intervene if China ever decides to invade the island.
te, like just about everyone else in the world, would
matters the way they are—unsettled and relatively
he can be guaranteed a high-paying job.

O MEET YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: T h a t long before the
e Chiang Kai-shek and the K M T , there was an is­
ed Taiwan, full of people, beautiful people, called

POLIT

Taiwanese—and that, despite the influx of those m
ists, they still constitute over 85 percent of the island
(and, some say, slightly lacking in imagination), the
the Nationalists, in the course of whose arrival som
killed in riots—traumatic, sure, but ultimately less
Chiang people put on airs, drinking tea and play
there was a fifty-year stint under the Japanese, inc
years, and before that various snoopy Europeans. O
emigrated en masse from the mainland in the six
turies (in an effort to, even then, avoid paying taxe
themselves, forcing the local Malayo-Polynesian a
where most of them, perhaps wisely, have chosen to
about planning a family weekend in the People's R
come up with a cousin—or the name of a cousi
name—is free to visit the mainland and take a loo
any other commodity, have to travel through Hon
finally get to, say, Guangzhou, your date's parents
temptuous: Mainlanders still spit on the street and
any mode of transportation more upscale than a bic

TURKEY

THE LAYOUT: East meets West—or tries to. M o s t
takes the form of a bulbous peninsula known to
Turks as Anatolia, and where it's located next to
Syria and Iraq to the south, Iran to the east, and to t
viet republics of Georgia and Armenia, both enga
enthusiasm, in ethnic feuding. Note, too, that Euro
tion to poignantly recalling how the Ottomans u
peninsula, also keeps Turkey in touch with traditio
garia. Istanbul (originally Byzantium, then Constan
Bosporus Strait, which controls traffic from the
ranean—a passage lusted after for centuries by Russ
the capital, at which point fertile plains turn into r
hang a ralph, Turks give way to longtime Turk-hati

THE SYSTEM: T h e other Middle Eastern democra
since 1923, when a defeated Ottoman Empire, sev
rious Allies at the end of World War I, suddenly a
behave as if it had been Western for years, with a pr
a parliament you actually got to vote for. Even so,

TICAL SCIENCE 399

millions of Chinese National­
d's population. Long-suffering
ey've had to deal not only with
me ten thousand of them were
s galling than the fact that the
ying chess all day. Before that
cluding the tension-filled war
O f course, the Taiwanese, who
xteenth and seventeenth cen­
es) were originally interlopers
borigines into the mountains,
o stay. O n a happier note, how
Republic? Everybody who can
in, or, for that matter, just a
ok around, although you, like
ng Kong to do it. When you
will probably be overfly con­
d even today, most don't own
cycle.

of Turkey's in Asia, where it
geographers and 70 million
several Neighbors from Hell:
the northeast the onetime S o ­
aged, with varying degrees of
opean snippet, which, in addi­
sed to run the whole Balkan
onal enemies Greece and Bul­
ntinople) sits on the crack, the
Black Sea to the Mediter­
sia. Inland you'll find Ankara,
rugged mountains and, if you
ing Kurds.

cy. In theory a republic ever
verely retrenched by the victo­
and against all odds, began to
resident, a prime minister, and

until 1947 Turkey had only a

4QO AN I N C O M P L E T E

single political party, and for
ment was inclined to announc
to count the votes. Today, Tur
that tend to be as mutable as t
of2002, nearly all of the ten o
Assembly by the landslide
leaning—Justice and Develo
minister, Recep Tayyip "Who
"AIR-dow-an"). Two politica
up of former members of the
for its demands for a freestand
teachers as well as Turkish se
army, which is currently docil
decades.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

(minarets, opium, a non-Ind
beating political prisoners on
done everything it can think o
family, and it's beginning to l
and-out rejections, necessaril
fact fields its second-largest
reforms—including the aban
you can say for Texas) and of
tude toward marital rape an
European Union to stop mis
plication and get down to se
years and may not really lead
other E U members seem quit
Turkey invited in. The way T
bread countries are made to
they're not being firebombed
with Greece in the perennial
and currendy being played ou
did everything Brussels dema
scorned by the Greek Cyprio
hadn't gotten into enough tro
States during the first G u l f W
(and being cut no slack on its
base for the U . S . invasion of
lation ferociously opposed, oc
States hasn't lifted a finger to

E EDUCATION

at least a decade after that the incumbent govern­
ce who'd won at the polls before bothering actually
rkey's all grown up, with nearly fifty political parties
the political weather. In the parliamentary elections
or so significant ones were swept out of the National

victory of the Islamist—but apparently West-
pment Party (AKP), headed by the current prime
ose Side Is He Really On?" Erdogan (pronounced
al influences worth noting: the Kongra-Gel, made
Kurdish Workers Party (PKK), which was known
ding Kurdistan and its willingness to shoot school­
ecurity officers; and the adamantly secular Turkish
le enough but has seized power three times in three

W T O READ T H E NEWSPAPERS: That exoticism

do-European language, and falaka, the custom o f
the soles of their feet) notwithstanding, Turkey has
of to become a full-fledged member of the Western
lose patience with the ongoing rejections. Not out-
ly. Turkey does belong to N A T O , after all, and in
army. And after a few years of big-deal legislative
donment of the death penalty (which is more than
its traditionally tolerant, Turks-will-be-Turks atti­
nd police-station torture—Turkey finally got the

splacing pages 4 through 11 of its membership ap­
erious negotiations, even if the talks will take ten
to membership. It's the little things: the way some
te ready to call off the whole party rather than have
urkish guest workers in Germany and other white-
o feel that their seams are crooked (when, that is,
in their sleep). The way the West still seems to side
Greco-Turk rivalry, dating back to the Trojan War
t on the island of Cyprus, where Turkey gave in and
nded of it, only to have its offer to kiss and make up
ots. A n d then there's the war in Iraq. A s if Turkey
ouble with its neighbors when it helped the United
War, now it's being treated like some kind of pariah
s sizable foreign debt) for refusing to serve as home
Baghdad—which 90 percent of the Turkish popu­
ccasionally with car bombs. Meanwhile, the United
o stop the P K K , happily hunkered down in the shel-

POLIT

ter of northern Iraq, from launching raids on Turk
rage the local Islamists—who, like fundamentalist
voice now than they did even a decade ago—and dr
ing their fists and singing the national anthem.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A TU
good chance he's in the army. This is not a bad thing
role in Turkey: It's a political force, it's a major emp
hesive element in Turkish life (many of whose oth
machine guns in their briefcases), and it's a time-h
to get ahead. So if your date gets a little overheated
all-time favorite general is, don't roll your eyes: Th
progressive force, the obvious heir to Kemalism, t
given the new nation by its soldier-founder (see b
the army—or, for that matter, in restaurants—but
have made inroads in law, medicine, education, jou
tions. In 2002, women were finally given full legal
women's rights had been sanctioned by Mustafa K
ernization rolling in Turkey more than half a centu
is still a bit of a dirty word, at least among Turkish
be crazy even to utter the words "sexual harassment
at least by the men, and honor killings (avenging
until 2004. Read about all of the above in the Turk
female, your date will certainly be Muslim, like 9
though whether or not she wears a headscarf or h
prayer that comes crackling over public loudspeake
do with geography and social class. Does your date
oped western region of the country or the poorer, m
Are the two of you strolling through downtown An
be hard-pressed to find a single mosque, or in the o
shantytowns (literally, "built in a night") that surro
where yesterday's peasant farmers, having traded th
tryside for urban squalor, struggle to maintain so
way, if you decide to stop for a glass of tea you'll h
Don't make a big deal about the Muslim thing; mos
lamist fervor is on the rise, but then, what can you
for at least seventy years? Even for most secular Tu
dom implies the freedom to be religious if you wan

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE
and/or sentimental questions on the subject of th
Turks are themselves ambivalent about it at best (a

TICAL SCIENCE 4OI

ks. It's all been enough to en­
ts everywhere, have a louder
rive secular Turks to start wav­

URK: First of all, that there's a
g. The military plays a unique
ployer, it's the single most co­
her elements carry bombs and
honored way for a young man
d when he talks about who his
his military is best viewed as a
the secular, pro-Western spin
below). Women don't serve in

they do work in offices and
urnalism, and telecommunica­
l equality with men, although

emal Atatiirk, who got West­
ry earlier. Feminism, it's true,
men, and a girl would have to
t suit." Virginity is still prized,
g illicit sex) weren't outlawed
kish version of Cosmo. Male or
99 percent of the population,
he actually answers the call to
ers five times a day has a lot to
live in the richer, more devel­
more traditional eastern part?
nkara, the capital, where you'll
outlying gecekondu, one of the
ound all of Turkey's big cities,
he endless tedium of the coun­
ome sense of identity? Either
have to sit in separate rooms.
st Turks don't. It's true that Is­
expect after it was suppressed
rks, the idea of religious free­
nt to.

E'S PARENTS: Forget piercing
he old Ottoman Empire; the
assuming they remember it at

402 AN I N C O M P L E T E

all). Besides, its every vestige
Atatiirk, as you'll see from th
date's parents' television.) By
vented Turkey's asphyxiation
with the Allies in World War
form of Turkish from Arabic t
ligion; abolished the wearing
vote; and insisted that everyon
the ones they used on the oth
been that rarity, a Westward-
not Arab—nation. A s for the
fighting a fifteen-year war fo
P K K finally declared a cease-
captured. A couple of years la
to impress the European Unio
Kurds—whom it had always
legalizing, on paper at least
broadcasts. But the Kurds wa
Turkish nationalists. Meanwh
has been misbehaving again,
Iraq. O f course, the Turks are
ing, but given current sensiti
back in 1915, to the eight hu
up by the Black Sea.

E EDUCATION

e was obliterated by Atatiirk. (Secularists still love
he photographs of him in white tie on top of your
y his death in 1938, he'd rallied the army and pre­
at the hands of Greece, who'd had the sense to side
r I; established state industries; changed the written
to Latin; broken the stranglehold of the Muslim re­
g of turban, fez, and veil; given women the right to
ne come up with a last name (e.g., Atatiirk), just like
her side of the Bosporus. Consequendy, Turkey has
minded Muslim—although, and this is important,
Kurds, just hope the subject doesn't come up. After
or Kurdish autonomy in southeastern Turkey, the
-fire in 1999, and its leader, Abdullah Ôcalan, was
ater the Turkish government, making nice in order
on, finally acknowledged its fifteen million resident
s insisted on calling "mountain Turks" instead—by
t, limited Kurdish-language education and media
ant more, causing steam to rise from the collars of
hile, after calling off its cease-fire in 2004, the P K K
, launching attacks from its new digs in northern
e past masters at what we today call ethnic cleans­
ivities, you're better off not asking what happened,
undred thousand or so Armenians who used to live





404 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Separate

HOW TO TELL THE

Two bullet-riddled, bombed-
ous for serious issues with a
themselves. Both straddle cl
strategic importance that attra
early 1990s, when the Commu
II, sedated or straitjacketed, f
news ratings with assorted a
plaguing these two geographi
devilishly complex, but let's f
membering which is which. T

TH

WHAT ARE THEY?
A mountain range and penin
states" refers to the countries
Herzegovina, Macedonia (a.k
Serbia and Montenegro, Alb
European piece of Turkey. No
and Lithuania—up near Swe

Forms an unofficial border

WHAT WERE THEY?
From 1945 to 1991, the repu
pendent states of Slovenia, C
Serbia and Montenegro—co
goslavia. What was left of Yu
1990s became, in 2003, a loo
Serbia and Montenegro. By t
have reluctantly packed up an

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM
Well, you can't entirely discou
jugation by one conqueror a

E EDUCATION

ed at Creation?

BALKANS FROM THE CAUCASUS

-out mountain regions whose residents are notori­
authority and an inability to stop fighting among
lassic East-West fault lines and have the kind of
acts foreign interference. Both turned psycho in the
unist regimes that had kept them, since World War
finally collapsed. Both have been boosting evening
atrocities for more than a decade. The problems
ic powder kegs are centuries old, multilayered, and
face it, the hardest part, for many of us, is just re­
The following pages may help.

HE BALKANS

nsula in southeastern Europe. The term "Balkan
s of the peninsula: Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia and
k.a. the former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia),
bania, Greece, Bulgaria, part of Romania, and the
ot to be confused with the Baltics—Estonia, Latvia,
den.

area between Western and Eastern Europe.

ublics of the west-central Balkans—now the inde­
Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Macedonia, and
nstituted the Socialist Federal Republic of Yu­
ugoslavia after the secessions and civil wars of the
ose two-part federation that was formally renamed
the time you read this, however, Montenegro may
nd left.

M (in 250 words or less)?
unt basic personality disorders, but centuries of sub­
after another have left the diverse peoples of the

POLIT

Balkans, especially of the western Balkans, with a
and divided loyalties, ample reason to mistrust each
the kind of gung-ho nationalism that's easily ma
with hidden agendas. For thirty-five years, Josip Ti
Yugoslavia, a crazy quilt of eight nationalities, five l
ferent alphabets), and three major religions, by rais
moting pride in its status as the only Communis
thumb. But when the economy crumbled after T
Serbs, Croats, Bosnians, and Albanians who'd be
other, sharing the same factory lavatories, and dan
other's weddings for years suddenly took to murder
raping each other's kids. Some may have been mo
than others—the Serbs certainly come to mind—
atrocities and engaged in some degree of "ethnic cl
of the infighting was over by 1995, NATO's 199
ing of Serbia didn't improve the general quality o
ished infrastructure, widespread poverty, mas
displaced populations, political corruption, organiz
eign "peacekeepers," and the consumption of copiou
bine to keep regional stress levels high.

MAJOR HOTSPOTS
Kosovo, a Serbian province bordering Albania and
consider it their historic heardand, refuse to give
ethnic-Albanian population will settle for nothing
dence. A U N protectorate since 1999, when N A T O
Serbs, it remains in a political limbo while organized
mujahideen set up shop. Albanian Kosovans, who ar
employed, take out their frustrations on the few rem

Macedonia, scene of a six-month civil war be
Macedonians in 2001.

NEXT UP
Albania, 70 percent Muslim, which dreams of a "gr
clude the sizable ethnic Albanian populations of ne

THE CAUCASU

WHAT IS IT?
A region of rugged mountains and surrounding low
and the Caspian Sea. Geographically part of Asia,

TICAL SCIENCE 405

tangle of conflicting customs
h other, and a predilection for
anipulated by outside powers
ito managed to hold together
languages (written in two dif­
sing living standards and pro­
st state not under Moscow's
Tito's death in 1980, ethnic
een living next door to each
ncing—albeit warily—at each
ring each other's mothers and
ore enthusiastically homicidal
—but every group committed
leansing." Although the worst
98-1999 invasion and bomb­
of life. Blood feuds, a demol­
ssive unemployment, huge
zed crime, occupation by for­
us quantities of slivovitz com­

d Macedonia. The Serbs, who
e it up, while its 90-percent-
g less than complete indepen­
O bombs finally drove out the
d crime takes over and foreign
re powerless and nearly all un­
maining Serbian residents.
etween ethnic Albanians and

reater Albania" that would in­
eighboring countries.

US

wlands between the Black Sea
but full of historical and cul-

4o6 AN I N C O M P L E T E

rural ties with Europe. Think
The northern slopes of the
publics of the Russian Federat
Dagestan, Ingushetia, Kabar
Ossetia, but you're not likely
hand.) The southern section o
the newly independent nations
fuse the Caucasus with the Ca
tain range that links the Alps

WHAT WAS IT?

Until 1991, the whole area wa

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM
For starters, there's the Tower o
ent languages being spoken in
that the Caucasian equivalents
for instance, can't understand e
Caucasus, of course. Instead th
liances than your average centra
age. The manageability issue is
most ethnically and linguistica
not always the site, of most of t
republics of the North Caucasu
government or at each other. M
they've had to pretend to pledg
ing ancient curses under their
clave of mosdy Christian peop
tend to be a little better off t
hostages, most of them children
2004, is in North Ossetia), and
ways shouted their curses, prefe
blowing up tourists in Moscow
thousand radical Islamists; a m
politicians; every imaginable va
at least as out of control as the
lief in the cheapness of human
Caucasus today.
MAJOR HOTSPOTS
It would be simpler to list the p
Certainly, the least promising c

E EDUCATION

k of it as a kind of wild frontier between the two.
Caucasus are occupied by seven autonomous re­
tion. (For the record, these are Adygeya, Chechnya,
rdino-Balkaria, Karachai-Cherkessia, and North
to remember them without writing them on your
of the Caucasus, called the Transcaucasus, includes
s of Georgia, Azerbaijan, and Armenia. Don't con­
arpathians, the relatively peaceful European moun­
with the Balkans.

as part of the U S S R .

(in 250 words or less)?
of Babel effect resulting from more than fifty differ­
n an area roughly the size of California. This means
s of the residents of Berkeley and those of Oakland,
each other. Not that there are such equivalents in the
here are more tribes, clans, and complex kinship al­
al government could effectively list, much less man­
s especially thorny in the North Caucasus, one of the
ally diverse regions on the planet and the source, if
the violence over the last fifteen years. Nearly all the
us are Muslim, dirt-poor, and ticked off, either at the
Most of them loathe the Russians, to whose empire
ge allegiance for a couple of centuries while mutter­
breath. The two exceptions: North Ossetia, an en­
ple who have traditionally supported Moscow and
han their neighbors (Beslan, where three hundred
n, were killed during a terrorist attack on a school in
d Chechnya (see following), whose residents have al­
erably while spraying Russian soldiers with bullets or
w. That's just for starters, though. Throw in a few
modey assortment of bandits, warlords, and crooked
ariety of underworld activity; Russian security forces
people they're sent to repress; and a widespread be­
n life, and you begin to get the flavor of the North

places that areritinflamed, if we could think of any.
candidate to host a Winter Olympics would have to