An Incomplete Education - 3,684 Things You Should Have Learned but Probably Didn't

AN I N C O M P L E T E

derground den, unable to turn
can see are their own shadow
having seen anything else, th
the same way, the rest of us m
whereas the objects, and even
pure forms that exist in the re
means, for example, that som
there is one, and only one, pe
driving is merely a crude im
sort already). By training you
ing machine rather than the e
can eventually struggle up o
the car with utter clarity. Tr
of the car on the idea of a
philosopher was easy, and at
counter much traffic in the re

BURIDAN'S ASS: A famous stu
placed equidistant from two i
one over the other and ends u
by Aristode in connection wi
to the medieval French philo
must choose that which his re
delay making a decision until
information it needs. Actually
was his critics' idea.

OCCAM'S RAZOR: "Entities ou
The maxim for which Willia
membered. Actually, Occam
do with more what can be do
moreover, he did uphold the p
pothetical entities in analyzin
with a razor.

PASCAL'S WAGER: T h e pragma
French religious thinker Bla
through commonsense reaso
never know for sure whether o
tails. But you have everything
istence. Remember, you're onl
that, only the way you live tha

E EDUCATION

n around. Behind them a fire is blazing, but all they
ws on the wall of the cave in front of them. Never
hey naturally mistake these shadows for reality. In
mistake the world as we know it for the real world,
n the qualities, of this world are only shadows of the
ealm of ideas. Now, what does this mean for you? It
mewhere above us in that realm of forms and ideas,
erfect automobile, of which the lemon you've been
itation (you probably suspected something of the
r mind to contemplate the idea of the perfect driv­
expensive heap of scrap metal in your driveway, you
out of the cave into the sunlight where you'll see
ue, you will then be confined to driving the idea
a highway, but Plato never claimed that being a
t least you can be pretty certain you'll never en­
ealm of ideas.

umbling block to the concept of free will. An ass,
identical bundles of hay, has no basis for choosing
up starving to death. Although it was first suggested
ith astronomy, the image is traditionally attributed
osopher Jacques Buridan, who claimed that a man
eason tells him is the greater good, but that he may
his reason has had sufficient time to gather all the
y, it's a starving dog that Buridan refers to; the ass

ught not to be multiplied, except from necessity."
am of Occam, the Franciscan scholar, is best re­
never really said this, but he did say, "It is vain to
one with fewer," which adds up to the same thing;
principle of eliminating all unnecessary facts or hy­
ng a subject, and he did dissect every question as if

atic approach to God, and the seventeenth-century
aise Pascal's attempt to save the skeptical soul
ning. Basically, his argument goes: O K , so you'll
or not G o d exists, it's all a cosmic game of heads or
g to gain and nothing to lose by betting on His ex­
ly staking one finite, so-so little life—no, not even
at life—against a chance to win an infinity of an in-

finitely happy life. If you win (if G o d exists), you'v
(if God doesn't exist), you haven't really lost a thin
not play, because you have no choice; you're alread

Dueling Dua

TWO PAIRS OF CONCEPTS

HEARTS OF PHILOSOPHERS,

LITERARY POSEURS, AND

BULLIES EVERYW

DEDUCTION vs. INDUCTION: Begin by forgetting w
do; to a philosopher, deduction is much more seri
ing able to guess Watson was at his club all day bec
clothes aren't wet. So what is it? It's a formal ar
more principles as self-evident, then, following ri
ceeding from the general to the specific, infers o
those principles. The example you've heard be
Socrates is a man. Therefore, Socrates is mortal." P
called a syllogism, and it's deduction at its most cla
tute Michael J. Fox for Socrates if you want.

Induction, by contrast, is empirical, factual, ord
experiment and/or experience—the scientific met
an inference and proceeds from the specific to the
induction, you begin by recording instances, mo
noses. If you go out to dinner at a Mexican restau
time you wake up at 3 A.M. with horrible indigesti
your digestive tract can't take Mexican food, at leas
you could be wrong; maybe you'd have gotten
maybe it's the particular Mexican restaurant, not
maybe your roommate is poisoning you and trying
food. Don't worry, though: Unlike deduction, whi
sound, is certain, absolute, and airtight, induction
success depends on how accurately you observe an

Historical note: For at least two hundred years ph
for a logical proof for why induction works as well
just an orderly way to think about it. N o soap. Abo
to actually legitimatizing it as a philosophical entit
to-day skill, is John Stuart Mill, who cited "the uni

PHILOSOPHY 333

ve won everything; if you lose
ng. And don't say you'd rather
y in the game.

alities

DEAR TO THE
LOGICIANS,

INTELLECTUAL
WHERE

what Sherlock Holmes used to
ous and far-reaching than be­
cause it's been raining and his
rgument that assumes one or
igid rules and forms and pro­

one or more conclusions from
efore: "All men are mortal.
Pay attention to that form. It s
assic—though you can substi­

dinary-feeling; it makes use of
thod, if you will—to arrive at
e general. When you make an
onitoring behavior, counting
urant a dozen times and each
ion, you may well induce that
st not late at night. O f course,
sick those nights anyway, or
Mexican food in general. Or
g to make it look like Mexican
ich, assuming its premises are
is about mere probabilities; its
nd over how many cases.
hilosophers have been looking
as it does or, failing that, even
out the closest anybody's come
ty, as opposed to a useful day-
iformity of nature" as one rea-

334 AN I N C O M P L E T

son why induction has such a
is itself an induction, but Mil

Sometimes the line betwe
stance, noting (with many a
may have deduced it from the
it from the last three thousa
incest—after all, whoever firs
the need to do a little field w
famous premise. But the flav
is, in the end, all about the ax
ring of the maxim ("Faint hea

A PRIORI vs. A POSTERIORI: I
That is, a priori knowledge
that doesn't depend on exper
two-plus-two-equals-four, no
duction, it's absolute. A post
this-box-is-red, everybody's-
it after {post-) looking around
priori reasoning proceeds from
to cause, but that seems like
A good example here, and we
all-round curmudgeon H. W
heaven—all's right with the w
"Given we know there's a Go
teriorist to mean "The world
tion: A priori thinking can ha
arbitrary judgments based on

What W

AND WHY ARE
contributor Ste

ABOUT IT

Structuralism was a French
Because it was French, as

E EDUCATION

good track record. O f course, that nature is uniform
l was willing to give himself that much of a break.
een deduction and induction is clear-cut: For in­
famous philosopher) that the sun always rises, you
e laws of planetary motion, or you may have induced
and or so dawns. Sometimes you think you spot
st said that all men are mortal must surely have felt
work first, thereby inducing deduction's single most
ors of the two will always be distinctive: Deduction
xiom ("A triangle has 180°"), while induction has the
art ne'er won fair lady").

In a way, we're back with deduction and induction.
is based on assumption-as-bottom-line, on belief
rience for validation, on "general principles" of the
o-plant-can-get-up-and-walk variety. And, like de­
teriori knowledge derives from observation, of the

-sentimental-on-Valentine's-Day variety. You get to
d for yourself. (Your professor probably added that a
m cause to effect, a posteriori reasoning from effect
e a harder way to think about the whole business.)
e owe it to English grammarian, lexicographer, and
W. Fowler: Browning's famous line "God's in his
world" would be interpreted by an a priorist to mean

d, the state of the world must be OK," by an a pos-
's so obviously O K , there's got to be a God." Cau­
ave negative connotations in some circles, implying
n preconceived notions.

Was Structuralism?

E WE (with a little help from
ephen Nunns) TELLING YOU

NOW THAT IT'S OVER?

h intellectual movement that peaked in the Sixties.
opposed to, say, German, it had automatic chic and

cachet. And because it was French, as opposed to,
for the Anglo-Saxon mind right from the start.

Even less focused, less definable, and less happy
(its immediate predecessor on university daises a
structuralism wasn't a philosophy exactly, but a me
with any luck, understanding things. Many, many t
such, it cut across academic disciplines and art fo
thropology (its two major incubators), to literary cr
ology, to psychology and politics.

Structuralists believed, fervently and at great le
parts of any system have meaning only in terms of
that (2) those relations tend to be binarily organi
many pairs) of terms, each half of which is paralle
equivalent, or duplicative, or whatever, with regard
cultural phenomena, from linguistic structures to
ners to skirt lengths, wrestling to insanity, and so
are governed by the same principles, and hence re
well as all patterns of human behavior, are codes in
ing tendencies of the human mind are reflected.
ways in which the mind sorts, clusters, and media
lus, every bit of information it stumbles across. S
pay close enough attention to these phenomena,
construct the appropriate "model," eventually you
bottom of things.

Structuralism had its beginnings in linguistics,
French Swiss, if you get our drift) linguist Ferd
served, among other things, that the "signifier" c
calling attention to the "signified" concept of cat an
of designating Muffin over there, the "referent."
from being c-o-t or b-a-t was a single sound, mo
difference, enough of which differences together
meaning in language—arbitrarily, granted, but w
Also, to decode meaning. And what's more, Sauss
just language. We "understand" Coke in terms of
in terms of its not being a Bloody Mary, Top-Side
motorcycle boots.

Saussure, who died in 1913, had been very pro
guistics community, which he'd provided with a w
decades for the news to trickle down to intellec
Lévi-Strauss, the anthropologist (and the high prie
lication of whose Elementary Structures of Kinship in
phase of anthropology. For the next thirty years, L

PHILOSOPHY 335

say, English, it was a problem

y-go-lucky than existentialism
nd at Left Bank café tables),
ethod, a way of analyzing and,
things. Everything, in fact. As
orms, from linguistics and an­
iticism, film, history, and soci­

ength, that (1) the component
their relations to one another;
ized, i.e., to involve a pair (or
el, or opposed, or inverted, or
d to the other; and that (3) all
kinship practices, table man­
on, long into the Paris night,
elated to each other. They, as
n which the inherent structur­
And they directly reflect the
ates every image, every stimu­
Structuralists claim that if you
ask the right questions, and
u couldn't help getting to the

in the work of the Swiss (but
dinand de Saussure, who ob­
c-a-t was an arbitrary way of
nd an even more arbitrary way

And that all that kept c-a-t
ore specifically, a single sound

went to allow us to encode
with a high degree of success.
sure hinted knowingly, it's not

its not being Pepsi, a mimosa
ers in terms of their not being

vocative. But outside the lin­
hole new lease on life, it took
ctuals-at-large. Enter Claude
est of structuralism), the pub­
n 1949 launched the structural
Lévi-Strauss chiseled away at

336 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Claude Lévi-Strauss

grabs, employable by anybody
in the structures of the mind
claim to show how men think
and without their knowledge
In fact, Lévi-Strauss had alrea
decreeing the existence of un
phonemes, the lowest-commo

Structuralism was an attem
been applied before, to banis
cism, the old pencil-and-not
and-prefixes approach to ling
(and what French intellectu
codes—of behavior, of mean
had power and why we went
lay in its ordering principles.
kinship-system stories, thous
working structurally, reduce t
ference."

Roland Barthes, the bottle
his death in 1980, could watc
ion magazine or a novella by B
eral months in Japan, and b
binarily opposed parts—man
spectacle to spectacle, exper
knowing about: Michel Fouca

E EDUCATION

primitive cultures and mythologies (as he called
them) as if no white man had ever seen a clay pot
or a loincloth or an incest taboo before.

Picture him, for instance, in residence among
the Bororo Indians of central Brazil, dealing with
their every routine, from cooking to marital fi-
delity, as if each were a language, a system of
communication, structured by unconscious but
absolutely binding and consistent laws, laws that
were binary in nature (as suggested by two of
Lévi-Strauss' better-known tides, The Raw and
the Cooked and From Honey to Ashes).

O f course, the Bororo Indians could them-
selves have applied the structuralist method to an
analysis of Parisian department-store layouts or
social-kissing practices had they cared to make
the trip. T h e method is, you understand, up for
y who's familiar with it precisely because it is rooted
d. Or, as Lévi-Strauss himself put it, "We do not
in myths, but how myths think themselves in men,
e. . . . Myths think themselves among themselves."
ady sorted through a lot of those myths, eventually
nits called mythemes, the equivalent in culture of
on-denominator elements of speech.
mpt to apply science to areas where it had never
sh the old belles-lettres approach to literary criti-
tebook approach to anthropology, the old roots-
guistics. But it also had certain Marxist overtones
ual movement does not?): By questioning the
ning, of authority—it implicitly questioned who
along with his having it. Its real beauty, though,
Lévi-Strauss would hear everybody's folktales and
sands and thousands of variations of a theme, and,
them to a few potent—and lucid—"systems of dif-

imp of Paris intellectual life from the Fifties until
h a wrestling match or a Molière play, read a fash-
Balzac, spend an hour at a striptease parlor or sev-
break the experience down into its component,
ny of which would then be interchangeable from
rience to experience. Other structuralists worth
ault, the French historian (see page 587), decoder of

insanity, imprisonment, sexuality, and other "margi
social institutions; Jacques Lacan, the French psyc
analyst (see page 446), who maintained that the unc
scious is structured the same way a language is;
Umberto Eco, the Italian scholar and cultural co
mentator, a specialist in semiotics, or communica
through signs, a variant of structuralism that emp
sized subject matter over methodology. (Sometim
called structuralists, but not exactly in this way: No
Chomsky, the American linguist, and Jean Piaget,
French child psychologist.)

So, why have we chosen to tell you about structu
ism, given that it's pretty much yesterday's pape
Two reasons. First, it's the immediate ancestor o
and force behind—^^/structuralism, which is, in tu
the kissing cousin of deconstruction and postm
ernism (the literary variety, not the architectural o
see page 106). All three were incredibly hot Fre
theories that had a huge impact not only on philo
phy, but on art theory, cinema studies, cultural stud
of other "studies" at the end of the twentieth centu

The deconstructionists were led by the philosop
1966 started one of the greatest academic food figh
the structuralists at a conference at Johns Hopkins U
sloppy joe: Lévi-Strauss and his gang were wrong a
reality. There was no such thing as "objective realit
rida, "Il n'y a pas de hors-texte" ("There is nothing
fiers just keep stacking up on top of more signifiers
of words. And we, of course, are stuck in the midd
selves. That means that our "selves" are really noth
language.

Derrida was joined by (before their deaths) the "
and "late" Lacan, though it's worth noting that the
the cafeteria at each other as well. Et voilà—out
ernism was born.

This "method"—again, it can't really be called a p
grand theories—was all the rage in American acad
ies and Nineties. (The French, interestingly enough
by the early Seventies, which explains why most
American universities.) The deconstructionists' in
convert, to "disturb" the work "along its own fault
modernists questioned all such supposedly self-e

PHILOSOPHY 337

inal"
cho­
con­
and
om­
tion
pha­
mes
oam

the

ural­
ers?
of—
urn,
mod­
one; Roland Barthes
ench
oso­
dies, queer studies, and a host
ury.
pher Jacques Derrida, who in
hts of all time when he took on
University. Derrida lobbed his
about their binaries leading to
ty." Indeed, according to Der­
g outside of the text"). Signi-
s, until there's an endless chain
dle of all those signifiers our­
hing more than by-products of

"late" Barthes, "late" Foucault,
ese guys shot a few peas across

of the free-for-all, postmod­

philosophy, since it denounces
emic circles during the Eight­
h, had had enough of this stuff
of these fellows ended up in
ntent was, in the words of one
lines." In a similar vein, post­
vident structures as superior/

338 AN I N C O M P L E T

inferior, in/out, original/bela
power structures no less than
the inside and, get this, of un
actly how, and how much, the

Though the influence of th
particularly in the ivory tower
to do with the impenetrability
whether the theorists were on
covering their tracks. Check
"Needless to say, one more t
place as the experience of the

At a certain point it also
much more than a literary pa
the meaning of a text can be p
ally speaking, that happens o
the world, things do hang to
(With occasional exceptions
children's toys late on Christm

The big issue with postmod
could get behind the thinkers
(which was, after all, the targ
can't confidently declare one
postmodernist extraordinaire
such thing as universal "truth
language (Derrida's point) or
point)—made a lot of peopl
turned out that Derrida's frien
de Man had written anti-Sem
ing World War II, or when va
unsafe sex in San Francisco
positive.) When the terrorist a
and deconstruction—and the
to say, "I told you so! There is
ativism" was over.

O f course, nothing's quite t
tual" world—not to mention
lines between the real and the
ernists, Jean Baudrillard, likes
modern ideas seem just a little

And that brings us to the
turalism as well as postmoder
wondering not only who's in

E EDUCATION

ated, and man/woman, and accused all systems—
n paragraph structures—of being propped up from
nwittingly betraying, under cross-examination, ex­
ey are propped up.
hinkers like Derrida and Foucault is still evident—
rs—it has fallen out of favor recently. Part of this has
y of the jargon, which often made it difficult to tell
n to something new and genuinely complex, or just
k out, for example, Derrida in the early Nineties:
ime, deconstruction, if there is such a thing, takes

impossible."
seemed as though deconstruction could never be
arlor trick. O K , maybe signifiers are arbitrary, and
pulled apart to the point of incoherence. But gener­
nly in graduate English departments. In the rest of
ogether pretty well—and that includes texts, too.
s, like deciphering directional text for assembling
mas Eve—a postmodern post-eggnog moment.)
dernism, though, was its relativity. While a lot of us
s' attacks on the nasty consequences of modernity
get of their critiques), other conclusions—that we
idea or way of life better than another (which was
e Jean-François Lyotard's point), that there is no
h" or even right or wrong, that it all comes down to
r various forms of power and discourse (Foucault's
le uncomfortable. (It didn't help matters when it
nd, fellow Yale professor, and deconstructionist Paul
mitic articles for a Nazi newspaper in Belgium dur­
ague rumors surfaced that Foucault had engaged in
bathhouses after he had been diagnosed as HIV-
attacks of 9/11 took place, critics of postmodernism
ere have always been plenty—took the opportunity
s evil in the world!" and claimed that the "age of rel­

that simple. The spread of the Internet and the "vir­
n the proliferation of reality TV—has blurred the
e unreal (or, as one of the last recalcitrant postmod­
s to put it, "the simulacrum"), making a lot of post­
e less loopy.

second reason we've decided to talk about struc­
nism and deconstruction: Questioning authority—
charge but also why we're behaving as if he or she

were really in charge—has never been a bad idea, t
become riskier. While French theories like structu
are less fashionable in the United States these days
selves—think "patriot fries"), it's worth noting th
ways of thinking have really risen to take their pl
back to you.

Three Well-Worn
for the Existence

These old chestnuts mark the point at which ph
bases its arguments on reason—and theology—
tion and faith—overlap. The result, as you'll see, so
thinking.
THE COSMOLOGICAL ARGUMENT: This one dates a
theory of motion and encompasses Thomas Aquin
gument from contingency and necessity. We know
thing in the world moves and changes, said Ari
Aquinas), and everything that moves, or exists, ha
thing that precedes it and makes it happen. Now,
the world back to their immediate causes, but ther
hind them and another behind them. Obviously, s
keep tracing effects back to causes indefinitely; the

PHILOSOPHY 339

though lately it seems to have
uralism and poststructuralism
s (not unlike the French them­
hat no other new, noteworthy
lace. When they do, we'll get

Arguments
of God

hilosophy—which supposedly
—which gets to call in revela­
ounds an awful lot like wishful

all the way back to Aristotle's
nas' version, known as the ar­
w from experience that every­
istotle (or simply exists, said
s a mover, i.e., a cause, some­
we can trace lots of things in
re is always another cause be­
said Aristotle 8c Co., we can't
e buck has to stop somewhere,

340 AN I N C O M P L E T E

there has to be one cause that
that existed before all the oth
Unmoved Mover, is God. Th
turies, started running into sn
of cause-and-effect was a mir
out that while there may be ca
that the same holds true out t
the cosmological argument by
cant have an infinite series of
series in mathematics. Also th
question any four-year-old kn

THE ONTOLOGICAL ARGUM
dream of explaining the natu
page 333); also, of how slipp
argument, which probably or
and which hit its peak with D
Rationalists of the seventeent
fection (if we couldn't, we wo
we can conceive of a Perfect
bodies all imaginable attribut
Being can be conceived. We
stands to reason that He exis
be as perfect as a Perfect Bei
Being you can imagine. (Is
He?) If you're still reading at
ontological argument can be
sumes, at the outset, the very
about it, the argument is not
did you get your idea of a Per

THE TELEOLOGICAL ARGUME
probably heard this one befor
you can see that the world is
enormous machine with mill
parts. Now, nobody but an u
structure could be the result o
Aristotle to eighteenth-centur
chanical symmetry of the uni
the biological complexity of s
all this magnificent order seem
vived for so long partly becau

EDUCATION

t isn't, itself, caused by something else, or one entity
ers could come into existence. This first cause, the
e cosmological argument, widely accepted for cen­
nags when Hume decided that the whole principle
rage. Later, Kant made matters worse by pointing
ause-and-effect in this world, we don't get to assume
there in the Great Unknown. Today, critics counter
y pointing out that there's no reason to assume we
f causes, since we can construct all sorts of infinite
hat the argument never satisfactorily dealt with the
nows enough to ask, namely, Who made God?

ENT: This is an example of the old philosopher's
ure of the universe through sheer deduction (see
ery a priori reasoning (see page 334) can get. The
iginated with St. Anselm back in the Middle Ages
Descartes, Spinoza, and Leibniz, the Continental
th century, runs as follows: We can conceive of per­
ouldn't be so quick to recognize imperfection) and
Being. G o d is what we call that Being which em­
tes of perfection, the Being than which no greater
ell, if you're going to imagine a Perfect Being, it
sts, since a Perfect Being that didn't exist wouldn't
ing that did, and isn't, therefore, the most Perfect
He?) Hence, by definition, God exists. (Doesn't

this point, you may already have noticed that the
criticized for begging the question; that is, it as­
y thing it purports to prove. Still, when you think
t nearly as simpleminded as it appears. Just where
rfect Being if you're so sure no such thing exists?

ENT, OR T H E ARGUMENT FROM DESIGN: YouVe
re. The gist of it is that simply by looking around
s a strange and wondrous place, something like an
lions of perfectly made and perfectly interlocking
underground filmmaker would claim that such a
of mere chance. For metaphysicians from Plato and
ry Enlightenment thinkers, enamored of the me­
iverse, and nineteenth-century ones, enamored of
same, the idea that there had to be a Mind behind
med pretty obvious. The teleological argument sur­
use the world is a pretty amazing place, and partly

because the argument's validity never depended o
scient or omnipotent, only that He's a better plan
ever, as Hume, the great debunker, was to point ou
existence of a Cosmic Architect who was margina
gether than we are, such a mediocre intelligence
glitches in the plan, would hardly constitute Go
mathematicians again, pointing out that, accordi
probability, the cosmos just might be an accident

PHILOSOPHY 341

on the idea that G o d is omni­
ner than the rest of us. How­
ut, even if we could assume the
ally better at putting it all to­
e, which allowed for so many
od. And then along came the
ing to theories of chance and
after all.





EIGH

Contents

A What You Need to Know Before Answering a Per
Herald Tribune: A Nervous Americans Guide to
Continents 344

A Separated at Creation? How to Tell the Balkans fro
A Dead-Letter Department: Acronyms—and Acrimo

Mogadishu 407
A A Trio of Geographical Clarifications for a Nation

Skateboard 420

Tourists by Duane Hanson

T

rsonals Ad in the International
Living and Loving on Five
om the Caucasus 404
ony—From Maastricht to
That, Frankly, Would Rather

344 AN I N C O M P L E T E

What You N
Answering

Internatio

A NERVOUS AME
AND LOVING

THE LAYOUT: South Americ
topography ranging from s
Paraguayan border) to windbl
of some sheep, a lot of oil rig
Argentina shares the island
Americas, with Chile, and ref
lands known as the Falklands

E EDUCATION

Need to Know Before
a Personals Ad in the

onal Herald Tribune

ERICAN'S GUIDE TO LIVING

G ON FIVE CONTINENTS

ca's second-biggest country (after Brazil), with
subtropical forests (the Gran Chaco, near the
lown steppes and melting glaciers (Patagonia, home
gs, and a brand-new outcropping of luxury resorts).
of Tierra del Fuego, the southernmost tip of the
fuses to relinquish its claim to the little group of is­
s (Argentines call them the Malvinas) despite its re-

POLIT

sounding loss to the British, who'd been occupying
for 150 years, in the 1982 Falklands War. Argentin
mineral deposits galore, and, at its top and bottom,
cause most Argentines have gone off to live in the
where the gauchos used to roam, the cattle still gra
of the manufacturing is done. In fact, nearly 40
housekeeping in a few square miles of the pampa ov
capital, Buenos Aires, Argentina's version of Pari
those who are not busy blockading highways or sif
can enjoy the views from their high-rise apartments
counts waiting beyond the horizon.

THE SYSTEM: Well, it's a federal republic for su
provinces and a federal district; beyond that, it dep
this is. Between 1939 and 1983, Argentina went th
and twenty-six successful military coups (as well
ones); during the economic crisis of 2001-2002, f
and went within two weeks. Stability, as foreign
among Argentina's many attractive qualities. Argen
come accustomed to having their constitutional r
suspended altogether. With a history of rule by cau
strongmen with the long sideburns and the private
military junta that shoots first and asks you to sta
come to regard a little repression as almost reassuri
least, someone is in charge. Argentina is currently
vice president elected for four-year terms. At the m
ably popular with the citizenry. Stay tuned.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPAP
What's a nice middle-class country like you doing
about twenty-five years ago Argentina was the pos
prosperity. Blessed with abundant natural resource
educated workforce, the country had the seventh-l
And indeed, throughout much of the 1990s, Arman
somed like wildflowers among the sidewalk cafés
will tell you that what happened was something c
sensus," an economic policy strongly encouraged b
moving trade barriers, privatizing major industr
foreign investors, and pegging the peso to the doll
local industries were bankrupt, Argentina's exports
the global marketplace, and more than 20 percent o
collecting unemployment. Meanwhile, the peso wa

TICAL SCIENCE 345

g and administering the islands
na has plenty of rich farmland,
, wide-open spaces. That's be­

pampa, the central grasslands
ze, the wheat grows, and most
percent of them have set up
ver by the coast, in the present
is, ditto Miami Beach, where
fting through garbage for food
s and dream of Swiss bank ac­

ure, comprising twenty-three
pends on what day of the week
hrough twenty-four presidents
l as hundreds of unsuccessful
five different presidents came

investors have learned, is not
ntines, for their part, have be­
rights dictated from above or
udillos—those legendary Latin
e armies—and by the kind of
ate your business later, they've
ing; it's taken as a sign that, at
y governed by a president and
moment, they are still reason­

PERS: That the key question is:
g in a mess like this? Up until
ster child for Latin American
s, a large middle class, and an
largest economy in the world.
ni suits and Vuitton bags blos­

of Buenos Aires. Argentines
called the "Washington Con­
by the I M F that called for re­
ies, opening the country to
lar. By the end of the decade,
s had priced themselves out of
of the country's workforce was
as on life support, battered by

346 AN I N C O M P L E T E

recession in the United States
a dollar when you're really a pe
had spent the last few years li
crowded in behind them; mor
below the poverty level. In th
government froze bank acco
"Sorry" notices instead of cash
pots and pans, a couple dozen
Two weeks and five president
former governor of Patagonia
along with a country in the m
debt default in the history of

By the way, expect to be co
Peronism, named for the ultim
onist Party, which dominated
gentine dream from the 1940s
however unfaithfully, by the c
an incoherent muddle of nati
ferocious anti-Americanism
factory workers, church le
persuasions—that normally w
ground. What held Peronis
Domingo and especially of his
tween Marlene Dietrich, Ed
drastically increased the powe
rupted the country, and gave
tented middle class. "Peronism
power elite, though there is n
tional concern, and the party

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF Y
in Buenos Aires? Would that
ference. If your date lives in th
you don't wear anymore to tra
tous barter clubs, after which
many local soup kitchens. Wo
sustenance when the job mark
them when the peso did the s
ment of barter, neighborhood
factories that led to euphoria
they were witnessing the da
Nowadays, you can still leave

E EDUCATION

s and the sheer unsustainability of pretending to be
eso. Much of Argentina's once-robust working class
ning up at soup kitchens, and now the middle class
re than half the population of Argentina was living
he winter of 2001, things came to a head when the
ounts and people heading to their A T M s found
h. Thousands of people took to the streets banging
n people were killed, and the government collapsed.
ts later, the ruckus finally began to settle after the
a, Nestor Kirchner, assumed office and inherited,
midst of a nervous breakdown, the largest sovereign
the world.
onfused by the frequent, contradictory references to
mate caudillo, Juan Domingo Perôn, and to the Per-
Argentine politics and defined a version of the Ar­
s through the 1970s and which is represented today,
urrent president. Even in Perôn's day, Peronism was
ionalism, socialism, fascism, anti-imperialism, and
supported by an unlikely mix of social cadres—
eaders, army officers, right-wingers of various
wouldn't allow their kids to run on the same play­
sm together was the personal charisma of Juan
s wife Eva, a.k.a. Evita, who was a sort of cross be­
dith Piaf, and Eleanor Roosevelt. The movement
er of labor unions and other special interests, bank­
e rise to Argentina's large and perennially discon­
m" is still the vague umbrella term for the nation's
not much alignment among them on issues of na­
has now been renamed the Justicialista Party.

YOU'RE DATING AN ARGENTINE: Does your date live
be the city proper or the surrounds? It makes a dif­
he city, you might want to bring along all the clothes
ade for bedlinens or motor oil at the city's ubiqui­
you might stop in for a light supper at one of the
orking-class Argentines began to band together for
ket went south, and middle-class Argentines joined
ame. The result was an enormous grassroots move­
d associations, and worker takeovers of abandoned
among Latin American left-wingers, who believed
wn of a new Utopian society. Dream on, dudes.
e your American Express card home and barter for

POLIT

just about everything you need—including a hair
Buenos Aires' gazillion psychotherapists—and m
their own soup kitchens, but with the economy sh
and the president talking tough to Argentina's cred
a somewhat threadbare version of its old self. In fac
semi-broke, you can expect to spend a night or tw
that are booming in Buenos Aires these days.

However, if your date's address is somewhere in
bring nothing, unless you're willing to risk outsh
spend most of your time building roadblocks and
other piqueteros—the great unemployed masses—
fares. Three times the number of residents of Bueno
las miserias on the outskirts of town. Once the fr
have now been reduced to a national nuisance by a
ning enough to use spin rather than shooting to ov

Of course, your date may be one of the lucky—or
Argentines who stashed an estimated $100 billion
recession hit. In that case, pack your favorite Guc
partying like it's, um, 1994.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S P
to be the scion of one of Argentina's fine old ranchi
the pampa, were rich as sheiks, and fancied them
pack a copy of Emily Post, not necessarily a recent
broke now and possibly a little loco from twenty-fi
government corruption, and financial catastrophe
manners—the more Old World the better. Otherwi
activists; in fact, if your date's mom disappears for
day afternoon, she's probably one of the former Mo
the Plaza de Mayo, who still march weekly to com
original desaparecidos tossed into mass graves during
of the 1970s. Those old wounds were not exactly
that protected former junta members from prosecut
pealed in 2003. Nor does it help that mass grav
throughout the country three decades later. You
kind of statement regarding the release of docume
Henry Kissinger gave his blessing to the junta's tac
ter not to go there at all. Instead, try to keep the co
Argentina's national passion, avoiding any men
Maradona, the country's legendary soccer hero. Or
backpacking trips through Spain and Italy—whenc
ulation emigrated a century ago. It's also possible,

TICAL SCIENCE 347

rcut or a session with one of
most neighborhoods still run
howing signs of improvement
itors, daily life has settled into
ct, whether your date is rich or
wo at one of the tango palaces

n the city's vast outlying areas,
hining your date, and plan to

burning tires along with the
on the city's major thorough­
os Aires proper live in the vil­
rontline of mass protest, they
a government that's been cun­
vercome its opposition.
r better yet, well-connected—
n in overseas banks before the
ccis and Chanels and plan on

PARENTS: If your date happens
ing families, who once owned
mselves European aristocracy,
t edition. Your date's parents,
ive years of military brutality,
, will still judge you by your
ise, your date's parents may be
a couple of hours every Sun­
others, now Grandmothers, of
mmemorate the 9,000—15,000
g the government's "dirty war"
healed by the immunity laws
tion until they were finally re­
ves are still being uncovered
might want to prepare some
nts purportedly showing that
tics. On second thought, bet­
onversation focused on soccer,
tion of drug use by Diego
r reminisce about your college
ce much of the country's pop­
however, that your date's par-

348 AN I N C O M P L E T E

ents will greet you with thick
of your visit wondering if they
who were warmly welcomed b
in this case, you'll definitely w

C

THE LAYOUT: A heart-shaped
mountains and tropical forest
just right for nurturing a peac
and the neighbors here are a n
Thais, on the other, have bee
dump trash, and poison the fa
its own rice paddies and doesn
while, tourism is on the upsw
Phnom Penh, the country's ch
apparently oblivious to the star
posed to preside.

E EDUCATION
German accents, and you'll have to spend the rest
y were among the thousands of Nazi war criminals
by the Argentine government after World War II;
ant to stick to soccer.

CAMBODIA

rice paddy the size of Missouri, surrounded by
ts, watered by monsoons and the Mekong River,
ceful farming nation. But location is everything,
nightmare: T h e Vietnamese, on one side, and the
n sneaking into the backyard to steal vegetables,
amily pets for centuries. (Laos, to the north, tends
n't bother the Cambodians or anyone else.) Mean­
wing in the seaside resort of Sihanoukville, and
harming, corrupt, French-built capital, parties on,
rved and ravaged countryside over which it is sup­

POLIT

THE SYSTEM: Since 1993, Cambodia has officially
under a constitutional monarchy"—which translate
There's a legislative branch that doesn't matter and
function. Power rests with the executive branch, a
prime minister, Hun Sen, and his political cronies i
ple's Party (CPP). Hun Sen is a former Khmer Rou
the resistance when his radical-Maoist/homicid
began purging their own ranks with the same gusto
to the slaughter of their countrymen. Despised by
namese lackey, he has, over the past couple of d
capable of masterminding his own foul deeds, than
sponsored elections of 1993, he refused to leave of
trols the police and the military, he ended up in a
rival National United Front for a Neutral, Peacefu
dent Cambodia ( F U N C I N P E C ) , the royalist part
son, Prince Ranariddh—who, title notwithstanding
self. Four years later, H u n Sen ousted Ranaridd
frowns from the Western powers until, a year later
of several thousand die-hard Khmer Rouge, thus
peace in thirty years. Ever since Hun Sen won—so
failed to win the two-thirds majority needed to run
in power while the government has remained in de
dia is perennially clucked and fretted over—these
King Norodom Sihanouk, the eccentric, unpredicta
abdicated the throne in 2004 in favor of one of his
cordance with the new constitution, "reigns but do

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPA
you read, including body counts. Cambodian policy
that few Westerners would be crafty enough to disc
tually cared what happens to Cambodia, which the
doing thus far. Certainly, Cambodia's highest offi
inscrutable to the United States, whose aid and U
intentions they deeply mistrust, and to neighboring
whom there's always been bad blood despite the
handshaking. Islamic extremists kicking up a fuss
likely to improve relations with the overwhelmingly
In fact, Cambodia's only "friend" to date has be
amounts of aid and encouragement—this, despite t
Rouge were, after all, Maoists funded largely by Ch

But then, all alliances (including the W T O , whi

TICAL SCIENCE 349

been "a multiparty democracy
es roughly as "a nest of vipers."
d a judicial branch that doesn't
nd more specifically, with the
in the ruling Cambodian Peo­
uge who prudently defected to
dal-maniac comrades-in-arms
o they had previously brought

many Cambodians as a Viet­
decades, proven himself quite
nk you. After losing the U N -
ffice, and since the C P P con­
a power-sharing deal with the
ul, Cooperative, and Indepen­
ty headed by King Sihanouk's
g, is no prince of a fellow him­

h in a bloody coup, earning
r, he negotiated the surrender
s allowing Cambodia its first
ort of—the 2001 elections but
n the country, he has remained
eadlock. Meanwhile, Cambo­
days, in absentia—by former
able octogenarian who finally
s sons, Sihamoni, who, in ac­
oes not rule."

APERS: Don't believe anything
y and politics are so Byzantine
cern the truth even if they ac­
ey've shown little evidence of
icials know enough to appear
U N vote they need and whose
g Thailand and Vietnam, with
current trend of smiling and
s in southern Thailand aren't
y Buddhist Cambodia, either.
een China, which sends vast
the fact that the hated Khmer
hina.
ch Cambodia joined in 2004)

352 AN I N C O M P L E T E

are likely to be unholy in a co
few chickens is liable to have
the yard and under the floorbo
Rouge executed, starved, and
their countrymen, yet the gov
that will be at best embarrassi
Rouge (including not only Hu
incendiary among the many r
selves in to the government in
loons in the wild western regi

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF

awfully young for eighteen, s
traction in Phnom Penh, fo
whining to us if you get more
dia has the highest rate of H
plenty of sightseeing you coul
rently being restored by the
fields of Sien Reap and, we he
said to have died, which has b
eigner, you'll also have access
halls, and to every variety of lu
lease a sumptuous villa or a fo
lem finding helpful officials w
dents and pocket the rent the
because any private-property
Rouge were voided by the su
body can prove ownership of

If your date lives out in th
your own everything, because
a full set of limbs. Thirty yea
utterly devoid of infrastructur
buried land mines and tons of
try. If you should get a part bl
whom were murdered or driv
better off cutting a deal with s
tibiotics or a bag of blood plas
national Red Cross.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW T

high-school French. True, th

E EDUCATION

ountry where anyone who owns much more than a
skeletons hidden not only in the closet but out in
oards as well. It's been thirty years since the Khmer
worked to death upward of a million and a half of

vernment is in no hurry to launch war-crime trials
ing for those who allied themselves with the Khmer
un Sen but the Sihanouks père etfils) and at worst
remaining Khmer Rouge who, after turning them-
n 1998, are now raising families and shooting up sa-
ion of the country.

F YOU'RE DATING A CAMBODIAN: If your date looks

shame on you. Now that sex tourism is a main at-
orced child prostitution is epidemic. Don't come

than you bargained for; it's no secret that Cambo-
H I V infection in Southeast Asia. Anyway, there's
ld be doing, from the temples of Angkor Wat, cur-

French and Japanese governments, to the killing
ear, the jungle camp where the infamous Pol Pot is
been turned into a tourist attraction. As a rich for-
s to fancy restaurants, nightclubs, and taxi-dance
uxury goods, from silk scarves to AK-47s. Want to
ormer ministry building? You should have no prob-
who will be only too happy to evict the current resi-
mselves. N o one will get into trouble for it, either,

records that escaped destruction by the Khmer
ucceeding Vietnamese-backed government, so no-
anything anymore.
he countryside, however, it's strictly B Y O E , bring
e the peasants have nothing, many of them not even
ars of overwhelming mayhem have left the country
re but rich in amputees, thanks to the millions of
f unexploded ordnance that pepper the entire coun-
lown off, forget about finding a doctor, nearly all of
en out of the country by the Khmer Rouge; you're
some local official willing to sell you a bottle of an-
sma from the tons of supplies donated by the Inter-

O M E E T YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: B m s h up On your

he Cambodians were only too happy to break away

POLIT

from the French Union half a century ago, but the
the last boatload of Brie-eating bureaucrats whe
started marching into the country. At least the Fr
century, had shown some appreciation for Cambo
was French scholars who began the restoration of A
occupiers, on the other hand, who got their idea
acted as though Cambodia's culture were some k
was pretty much how Cambodians felt about V
date's parents may get nostalgic about former King
Cambodians still view as a god-king, or, at the ve
good old days when Cambodia belonged, more o
date probably won't share their nostalgia; the young
pression and the government's shameless corruptio
Sihanouks, whom they see as only slightly less loa
of this really matters. Ex-king Norodom Sihan
around—often in exile or under house arrest—sinc
the throne in 1943, has proven himself to be both
acter. Purportedly dying for at least the last decad
being treated for cancer at his palaces in Pyongyan
daily blogs on his Web site, www.norodomsihanou
nous atmosphere pervading his homeland.

CANADA

THE LAYOUT: T h e second-biggest country in the
other larger-than-life neighbor), but with fewer pe
space, sheer space, is the salient feature here, with c
not better television reception, explains why thre
huddles within a hundred miles of the U . S . borde
lous, most prosperous, most powerful, most urban,
most resented) of the ten provinces and three Arcti
country; it also has the capital, Ottawa, and the big
Toronto. Quebec is the largest and second most p
used to be the biggest, most cosmopolitan city, Mo
percent French-Canadian minority. The concept o
real shot in the arm for British Columbia (and Va
the "Most Cosmopolitan" title). Neighboring Alb
second-largest oil reserve (after Saudi Arabia) and t
the province that winds up providing big subsidies—
call them—to all but one of the other provinces,

TICAL SCIENCE 351

ey'd barely waved good-bye to
en all these hostile neighbors
rench, who were around for a
odia's rich heritage—in fact, it
Angkor Wat. The Vietnamese
as of civilization from China,
ind of embarrassment, which
Vietnamese culture, too. Your
g Sihanouk, whom many older
ery least, as a reminder of the
or less, to Cambodians. Your
ger generation, outraged by re­
on, have no great love for the
athsome than Hun Sen. None
nouk, who has been kicking
ce the French installed him on

a patriot and a slippery char­
de, he spends most of his time
ng and Beijing, where he posts
uk.info, lamenting the poiso­

world (after Russia, Canada's
eople than California. Indeed,
cold a close second: The latter,
ee-quarters of the population
er. Ontario is the most popu­

and most industrialized (also,
ic territories that make up the
ggest, most cosmopolitan city,
populous province, with what
ntreal, plus the bulk of the 23
of the Pacific Rim has been a
ancouver is clearly aiming for
berta has most of the world's
therefore all the money, and is
—equalization payments, they
grudgingly. Very grudgingly.

352 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Saskatchewan and Manitoba
England, cast their nets and w
equalization-payment check a

THE SYSTEM: A federal unio
minister tries to convince hi
united nation rather than a co
bass fishermen, while the te
identities—that are, in a word
goldarned hands off their o
newsprint. Also in the picture
beth II, the official head of s
purely a figurehead. Plenty o
quite what to make of them
moderately liberal Liberals an
crats. The irrepressible Pierre
ister. The Progressive Democ
virtually self-destructed back
placed by the Canadian Allia
populist Reform Party and an
of the Liberals is the New De
quite a national contender, an
dependence, though still nur
ture, modeled on Britain's Par
House of Commons; the Se
general, at that.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
is in the provinces-vs.-Ottaw
politics and it helps to explain
not to secede from the rest of
only her oil but her oil reven
strategy are her own busines
exploited by the slick and
strengthened by the ongoing
Party. A lot of the problem is
not from within, by pigheade
worried about containing the
a revolution or a civil war—
Canadian identity. T h e other
ernment possesses only those
verse of the states'-rights set

E EDUCATION

are the prairie. The Maritimes, northeast of New
work their mines, and hope that today's the day the
arrives.

n, a very loose federal union, in which the prime
s countrymen that Canada's future is as a strong,
onfederation of shopping centers and smallmouth-
en provincial premiers plump for priorities—and
d, provincial, and tell the prime minister to keep his
oil, uranium, nickel, asbestos, natural gas, and/or
e: a governor-general who represents Queen Eliza­
state, but she—and, for that matter, the queen—is
of political parties up here, though no one knows
since until recently politics was dominated by the
nd the moderately conservative Progressive Demo­
Trudeau was a Liberal, as is the current prime min­
crats (or "red Tories," as they're known up there)
in the 1993 elections; they are currently being re­
ance, formed by a merger between the right-wing
n assortment of former Progressive Democrats. Left
emocratic Party, popular in the provinces but never
nd the Bloc Québécois, now busy not declaring in­
rsing its resentments. There's a two-house legisla­
rliament, of which the important half is the elected
enate is merely appointed, and by the governor-

O READ THE NEWSPAPERS: That a lot of the action
a tension. It's the goad (also the high) in Canadian
n why Quebec got to hold referenda on whether or
the country and why Alberta gets to claim that not
nues, oil-development program, and oil-marketing
ss. In general, resource-rich western Canada feels

populous east—a perception that's only been
g political scandals that have rocked the Liberal
that modern Canada was created in the mid-1860s
ed patriots, but from without, by a jittery Britain,
volatile United States, and that there's never been
—or even an after-school project—to help forge a
r part of the problem is that Canada's federal gov­
powers not already accorded the provinces (the re­
tup in effect south of the border); as a result, the

POLIT

provinces are in control of health, education (a big
natural resources, interprovince commerce, etc. As
hostility between Anglophones and Francophones
one thing you could count on to generate sparks
table, it hasn't gone away, exactly (47 percent of Q
their own state), but bicultural animosities are be
now that Canada—good old white-bread Canad
wants to be nice to everybody and take them in
which has some of the most liberal immigration law
been transformed into an unlikely-looking natio
brightly colored babushkas hanging out the wash
sapphire cufflinks trading whole blocks of Vanc
Canadian Mounties wearing turbans. Anyway, the
to deal with at the moment—health care, for insta
of which Canadians have long been proud and Y
buckle under the weight of an aging population. T
Canadian—whether Anglophone or Francophone
eighteen weeks just to get a referral to see a special

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO DATE A CANADIAN: A
and it is mighty cold up this way, eh? Sorry. T h e jok
his Canada piece: How Canada could have had Fr
ment, and American know-how but for some reason
you can take it from here. And how about the time
a contest and invited its readers to complete the p
and the winning entry was "As Canadian as possib
O K , O K , no, really, thanks, well, all right, one m
Canadians out of a swimming pool on the hottest
(this is actually what Canadians call a riddle): "Yell,
Actually, real-life Canadians truly are obedient,
painfully decent, with an unflagging go-for-the-bro
result of living in a country where the governmen
everybody just as, over a century ago, it built the t
whip-cracking robber barons racing for the Pacific
equitably, thereby avoiding land rushes, Indian
"Dance!" at each other, and all other forms of
West-style bravado. D o let your date know that y
currents don't flow from south to north; say thanks
Galbraith, the late Marshall McLuhan, ditto Nor
Joni Mitchell, Dan Aykroyd, Mike Myers, Martin
Safer, Peter Jennings (but not Diane Sawyer, who
course both Pamela Anderson and Wayne Gretzky.

TICAL SCIENCE 353

g deal in a bicultural country),
s for the long-standing ethnic
s, which for decades was the
s around a Canadian dinner
Québécois still say they want
eginning to seem a bit passé
da, which, to its credit, just

and hand them a lager, and
ws this side of Australia—has
on of Ukrainian women in
h, Hong Kong-born execs in
couver, and ramrod-straight
ere are more pressing matters
ance. That universal coverage
Yankees envious has begun to
These days, your average sick
e—can expect to wait about
list.

A joke should break the ice—
ke every journalist works into
rench culture, British govern­
n wound up with . . . we think
Macleans, Canada's Time, ran
phrase "As Canadian as . . . , "
ble under the circumstances."
more. "How do you get sixty
day of the summer?" Answer
'Everybody out of the pool.' "
, glum, shy, repressed, and
onze streak. Largely, that's the
nt does almost everything for
transcontinental railroad—no
here—and treated all settlers

massacres, people shouting
survival-of-the-fittest, Wild
you know that all the cultural
to him/her for John Kenneth
rthrop Frye and Saul Bellow,
n Short, Jim Carrey, Morley
just seems Canadian), and of
.

354 AN I N C O M P L E T E

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
you may still get tea and bisc
and closer to coffee and app
Nevertheless, Elizabeth is def
in the Commonwealth, and p
May, which even the Englis
healthy respect for the past (a
yet), and don't be surprised, e
defeat of Montcalm on the Pl
ing, establishing the—approp
part, please—natural superior
try to see both points of view h
English, maintenant etpour tou
speaking Canada never really
the English had made, in 177
the history of colonial admini
mager says—with regard to th
'em be Catholics. (Later, unfo
a lot of endless whining abou
it's the only way to keep the L
in 1867 Parliament passed the
a self-governing dominion an
some file cabinet over in the m
it. Canada didn't become ind
she became completely indep
"brought home" that constit
briefcase. C a r e f u l / ^ garde: A
points they were ten years ag
than acid rain, despite the boo
few new topics you'll want to
modicum of humility. Take,
Canada refused to participate
pouring tons of money into
sponsored International Crim
opposes), and its strong supp
States refuses to sign). As for
riage and marijuana use, don'
horror. Social liberalism is no
greater relief (and we do mean
balls in every kind of conserva
when last we checked, even Ya
cations.

E EDUCATION

O MEET YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: First, that although
uits when you visit them, Canada is inching closer
ple pie, and, in our opinion, everybody's the loser.
finitely still head of state, Canada is definitely still
eople still celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday every
sh have stopped bothering with. It's all about a
and an educational system that hasn't broken down
either, if the parents remind you how it was Wolfe's
lains of Abraham in 1759 that first got things mov­
priately condescending facial expression on your
rity of the English, on the battlefield as off, or, let's
here, s'il vousplait, the braying, bullying ways of the
ujours. That English-speaking Canada and French-
got along should come as no surprise, even though
74, one of the all-time most enlightened decisions in
istration—at least that's what Henry Steele Com-
heir French neighbors: Let 'em speak French and let
ortunately, it would lead to what the English see as
t "special rights," although the French would argue
imeys from rolling over them completely.) Anyway,
e British North America Act, which made Canada
nd served as a makeshift first constitution, kept in
mother country, who alone had the right to amend
ependent until 1931, and it wasn't until 1982 that
pendent—unbelievable, isn't it?—when Trudeau
tution, presumably in a perfectly normal-looking
Acid rain and N A F T A may not be quite the sore
o (although N A F T A still isn't much more popular
ost it's given to the local economy), but there are a
o approach delicately and with—dare we say?—a
for starters, the U . S . invasion of Iraq, in which
(although that hasn't stopped the Canadians from
o Iraq's reconstruction), its support for the U N -
inal Court for war crimes (which the United States
port for the Mine Ban Treaty (which the United
its willingness to consider legalizing both gay mar­
't expect your date's parents to beat their breast in
othing new in Canada, even if it does stand out in
n relief) now that the United States is up to its eye­
atism. Besides, tourism is big business up here, and
ankee gays and dopers were still allowed to take va­

POLIT

CONGO, DEMOCR
REPUBLIC OF T

THE LAYOUT: First, let's be clear: There are two A
sleepier Republic of Congo (RC), a.k.a. Congo-B
French colony known as Middle Congo, a part of
the southeast, just across the Congo River, lies the
and quite laughably named Democratic Republic
Congo-Kinshasa, formerly known as Zaire and
Congo. Occupying the heart of central Africa and
D R C is what everybody thinks of when they think
the equator in the north and is full of the kinds
Tarzan movies—mile after mile of steamy tropic
swampy grasslands in the north, high savannahs in
ern regions volcanoes and jungle-covered moun
through the mists, providing a picturesque hom
mountain gorillas and a home away from home fo
Rwanda, Uganda, and Burundi. The land is crissc
filled rivers, all tributaries of the 2,733-mile-long
dangerous and frequently unnavigable, is the close
highway. Although the country is loaded with na
and vast mineral wealth below, fifty-six million Con
tom of the world's misery indices.

THE SYSTEM: Dictatorship supposedly in transiti
ment, but don't hold your breath. The interim gov
President Joseph Kabila in 2003 is an uneasy pow
tween former combat enemies, none of whom is di
others. Since elections are planned for the summe
tional country that lacks roads, railways, functioni
voting public (the last election was back in 1960, a
stantial number of Congolese are too busy foraging
off plague to vote) but is well stocked with armed
that elections not take place at all, what currendy
may have morphed into something worse or simply
by the time you read this. For the moment, at least
by the president, who shares power, sort of, with fo
one from each of the two main rebel movemen
Democracy (RCD), backed by Rwanda, and the Mo
Congo ( M L C ) , backed by Uganda, and one from
thirty-five-member transitional cabinet is meticul

TICAL SCIENCE 355

RATIC
THE

African Congos. The smaller,
Brazzaville, was formerly the
French Equatorial Africa. To
larger, relatively more hellish,

of the Congo (DRC), a.k.a.
before that as the Belgian
the belly of the continent, the
k "darkest Africa." It straddles
s of terrain familiar from old
cal rain forest at the center,
the south, and in the far east­
ntains that rise majestically
me for the world's remaining
or guerrillas from neighboring
crossed by many muddy, croc-
Congo River, which, though
est thing D R C has to a super­
atural resources above ground
ngolese live near the very bot­

on to representative govern­
vernment stitched together by
wer-sharing arrangement be­
im-witted enough to trust the
er of 2006, in a vast, dysfunc­
ng laws, basic services, and a
and anyway, these days a sub­
g for edible roots and fighting
d profiteers who would prefer
y passes for Congo's "system"
y been blasted out of existence
some of the D R C is governed
our vice presidents—including
nts, the Rally for Congolese
ovement for the Liberation of
m the civilian opposition. A
lously if not productively di-

356 AN I N C O M P L E T E

vided among the leaders of the
D R C is still controlled by whi
given day. Ten provinces and
There are about 250 known e
Swahili, Lingala, Kikongo, an
ken here.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO
as "Africa's world war" broke o
African countries, killed a con
still causing about a thousand
an official end to hostilities in
"pardy about ethnic hatreds b
have trouble keeping the com
battle wearing dresses have co
are, for instance, the Interaham
cide against the Tutsis next do
sparked the Congolese war wh
indistinguishable from a milli
who fled the advancing Tutsi
D R C with help from Burundi
ing attacks from inside Congo
as many Hutu refugees as po
DRC. The Western powers,
Rwandan genocide, bent over
came clear that the latter were
nally, the governments of Ang
the Congolese regime, partly
entire region, but also, in the
gave them—along with the Rw
lords, government ministers,
corporations—a chance to plu

Oh and by the way, if you
yourself for the inevitable allus

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF Y
with someone who's suffering
stress disorder. Try a little tend
gang-raped by rebel soldiers on
a rendezvous outside one of t
million or so internally displac
that never arrive. If your date's

E EDUCATION

e country's many factions. The eastern region of the
ichever rebel group or tribal militia gets lucky on a
the capital of Kinshasa have their own governors.
ethnic groups: The official language is French, but
nd at least seven hundred local dialects are also spo­

O READ THE NEWSPAPERS: That the conflict known
out in the D R C in 1998, sucked in six neighboring
servatively estimated 3.8 million Congolese, and is
civilian deaths a day in the eastern regions, despite
2003. The war has been aptly summarized as being
but mostly about loot." Don't be surprised if you
mbatants straight—even the ones who dont go into
omplex agendas and serious identity issues. There
mwe, the Hutu militias blamed for the 1994 geno­
oor in Rwanda. The Interahamwe are said to have
hen they escaped across the border into the D R C ,
on and a half more or less innocent Hutu refugees

army. In 1998, Rwanda and Uganda invaded the
i, ostensibly to stop the Interahamwe from launch­
olese territory but also, as it turned out, to massacre
ossible and install a Tutsi-friendly regime in the

feeling sheepish about their failure to stop the
r backward to support the Tutsis, even after it be­
e out for revenge and a genocide of their own. Fi­
ola, Namibia, and Zimbabwe jumped in to defend
because the D R C is critical to the stability of the
e case of the Zimbabweans, because engagement
wandans, Ugandans, Burundians, Congolese war­
, and at least eighty-five known multinational
under the D R C ' s vast resources at their leisure.
u're reading English-language newspapers, brace
sions to Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness.

YOU'RE DATING A CONGOLESE: HOW to party down
g from disease, malnutrition, and post-traumatic
derness. If your date is a woman, she may have been
n her way to meet you, especially if you've arranged
the squalid refugee camps where some of the two
ced Congolese huddle in tents, waiting for supplies
a man, congratulations on having found a live one!