An Incomplete Education - 3,684 Things You Should Have Learned but Probably Didn't

2J2 AN I N C O M P L E T E

sional brandy or, if the day w
but wine was, for centuries, th
nineteenth century, when Fr
time in a hundred years and
worthy of the name was expe
or seven varieties with dinne
Routledge's Etiquettefor Gent
what to do with a cherry-sto
index of social status; and it i
take claret with fish, or ate p
ment of being banished from
what's claret?

CLARET: T h e British term fo
Burgundy Burgundy). Claret
back in the Middle Ages, wh
enet (see page 589), Bordeau
Ever since, claret has been the
holds. Even during the Fran
monarchy tried to replace the
French managed to smuggle
Still, claret didn't really come
tury and the onset of the vinta
different courses at Victorian
bottles on hand for high tea. T
to regard the seven-wine dinne
became the all-around dinner
tute it for port as an after-dinn

PORT: The drink of choice
originally from Oporto, in Po
Portuguese table wine, Portu
got such favorable trade agre
that eventually the English g
didn't start until the ninetee
learned two important things
and left it lying around for a l
brandy not only helped it "tr
thusiastic response from the
passing the port, tenderly de
and again with dessert; and g
glass or two (which in the pa

E EDUCATION

was hot and he was in a democratic mood, a beer,
he traditional beverage of the upper classes. In the
rench wines became available again for the first
d vintage wines were all the rage, any gentleman
ected to keep a well-stocked cellar, to provide six
er, and to deal with them as a connoisseur. As
tlemen put it back in 1865, "How to eat soup, and
one are weighty considerations when taken as an
is not too much to say, that a man who elected to
peas with his knife, would justly risk the punish­
m good society." We agree, in principle . . . but

or any red Bordeaux wine (luckily, they call their
has a special niche in the English heart because

hen Eleanor of Aquitaine married Henry Plantag-
ux and its vineyards became British possessions.
e preferred table wine in upper-class British house­
ncophobie eighteenth century, when the English
French wine trade with that of the Portuguese, the
claret into England by shipping it via Portugal.
into its own in England until the nineteenth cen­
age-wine obsession. Claret was served with several
dinners, and it was standard practice to have a few
Toward the end of the century, when society began
er as a bit excessive, claret, along with champagne,
wine, and some young lords even began to substi­
ner drink.

of the upper class; a sweet, red, fortified wine
ortugal. Although early port was simply mediocre
ugal (as Britain's oldest continuous ally) always
eements, and shipped so much wine to England,
got used to the stuff. T h e cult of port, however,
enth century, by which time the Portuguese had
s: One, if they put the wine in a flat-sided bottle
long time, it tasted better; and two, adding a little
ravel," but also provoked an altogether more en­

consumer. Before long, the British nobility was
ecanted, with the venison, the game, the cheese,
gentlemen looked forward to tossing off another
arlance of the day meant at least a bottle apiece)

after the ladies had retired to the drawing room. T
port that had been aged at least twenty years, the
wine was considered fit to drink. It was tradition
rian father to lay down a pipe of port (about 14
birth of his son or godson, to be opened after th
The equivalent gesture today, in terms of genero
boy with a kilo of cocaine.

HOCK: Although "hock" originally referred to
Hochheim, Germany, it became a general Britis
wine. In Victorian times, hock's place was on t
tional green glass, next to the claret with the
dessert.

SACK: At various points in British history, sack refe
Spain or the Canary islands, or to a heavy, sweeten
any of several Mediterranean wine-producing reg
speare's day, it eventually gave way to sherry-sack,

SHERRY: The world's most popular fortified wine
although the British are, in a way, its adoptive pa
to them, comes from Andalusia, Spain (the nam
of Jerez, the capital of the sherry region), the way
the Champagne region of France. The British ha
the light, dry sherries, which make the best aper
are mainly familiar with the olorosos, the second,
which is sweet, heavy, earthy, and the basis for
Cream. There's no such thing as a vintage sherry,
the Victorians used to like them with the fish an
meal, and again at the end, with dessert. They bel
erly decanted and served in ordinary wine glass
sized "sherry glasses" common today. Amonti
remember from Edgar Allan Poe's horror stor
halfway between a fino and an oloroso.

MADEIRA: A heavily fortified white wine from the
This was one of the first fortified wines to make it b
in the seventeenth century along with the Port
Catherine of Braganza. (Actually, Catherine broug
her dowry, but Charles, who was having a cash-flo
for money instead.) Catherine loved to sip Mad
munched a slice of Madeira cake; before long all

LITERATURE

This, by the way, was vintage
absolute minimum before the
al for the well-heeled Victo­
0 U.S. gallons' worth) at the
he boy's twenty-first birthday.
osity, might be to present the

wine from the area around
sh term for any white Rhine
he dinner table, in its tradi­

roast meat course and the

erred to a dry white wine from
ned, amber-colored wine from
gions. Very popular in Shake­
or sherry.

e. Sherry comes from Spain,
arents. Real sherry, according
e "sherry" is an anglicization
y real champagne comes from
ave always preferred the finos,
ritif. Americans, by contrast,
, and inferior, type of sherry,

brands like Harvey's Bristol
but ftnos can be very elegant;
nd soup at the beginning of a
lieved sherry should be prop­
ses, never in those thimble-
illado, which you probably
ry, is a medium-dry sherry,

Portuguese island of Madeira.
big in England, having arrived
tuguese bride of Charles II,
ght the whole island as part of
ow problem at the time, settled
deira in the morning as she
l the fashionable ladies of the

234 AN I N C O M P L E T E

kingdom got into the habit o
practice that lasted well into
being a standard dessert wine,
Madeira comes both dry and
of Clarence, was allegedly drow
one of the sweet varieties.

SAUTERNE: The greatest of th
region of the province of Borde
and now, with dessert.

TOKAY: Another sweet dessert
ner was a little like the climax
presented simultaneously, alon
comes from the town of Tokay

NEGUS: Back in Samuel Pepys'
sugar named for one Colone
vague. Johnson and Boswell (s
every night. Later, because po
concoction, "negus" came to m

MEAD: A sweet, fermented h
were drinking back in 2000
mead the official wedding d
quired to keep the groom w
month following the marria
hence our honeymoon.) It was
lieved in its powers as an into
turies, making mead was a so
began to die out, partly beca
partly because the English ho
Charles II drinking methegli
teenth century, but the wine
to know what it is: You're sur
Lit., and recently, in a fever o
tage industry all over again.

So much for the goings on upst
working folk were consuming v
thirty-four gallons for every m
ing was not only respectable, i

E EDUCATION

of tossing off a little glass to get the day started, a
the Victorian era. As a result, Madeira, besides
had a reputation as a ladies' drink. For the record,
sweet; malmsey, in a butt of which George, Duke

wned by order of his brother, later Richard III, was

he white Bordeaux wines, grown in the Sauternes
eaux. It is a sweet, intense, fruity wine served, then

t wine; as you can see, the end of a Victorian din­
o f a fireworks display, with five or six wines being
ng with the cakes. This one is golden brown and
y, or Tokaj, in Hungary.

time, this was a simple mixture of wine, water, and
el Negus, whose accomplishments are somewhat
see page 218) drank about a bottle of negus apiece
rt was the wine most commonly used to make the
mean mulled port.

honey or honey-flavored wine the Babylonians
B.C. (For your trivia collection: They declared

drink, stipulating that the bride's parents be re­
ell supplied with "the wine of the bee" for the
ge; that month became known as honeymonth,
s a great favorite of the ancient Britons, who be­

oxicant, a medicine, and an aphrodisiac. For cen­
ort of cottage industry in English monasteries. It
use Henry VIII suppressed the monasteries and
oneybee went into a slump. Samuel Pepys caught
in, a kind of spiced mead, as late as the seven­

became virtually extinct after that. Two reasons
re to run across the term somewhere in English
of nostalgia, mead-making became a British cot­

tairs. Downstairs and out on the farms, respectable
vast quantities of beer (in 1876 alone, they downed
an, woman, and child in the country). Beer drink­
it smacked of patriotism; nearly everyone brewed

his own at home (or rather, her own—brewing w
from local English barley. What's more, it was a lo
typhoid-ridden public water systems, which is wh
and Harrow drank beer for breakfast as a matter of
time of beer drinking—and custom-beer drinking
very specific tastes arose, such as:

BITTER: A traditionally English and still very pop
beer (although now you can find it in little botdes)
relatively high in both hops and alcohol content
lager-type beers favored in the United States; bitte
the bitterest beer in England). Always ordered as "a
you a tankard, and never to be confused with bit
spike a cocktail.

PORTER: A dark brown, heavily hopped brew with
tent (most U.S. beers average 3 to 6 percent) and a
which was originally called "porter's beer" or "por
started out as a drink for porters and other common
the nineteenth-century trend toward lighter, less a
one of the great pop hits of its time. Rumored to b
was a big favorite with actresses and singers, who s
their voices, and one election campaign revolve
Plenty, and Porter." It turned out to be just a fla
porter is virtually extinct.

STOUT: An even stronger, more heavily hopped ver
aged to hang on, thanks to the Guinness family, w
now more or less synonymous.

As for the class distinctions of beer (which, by the w
Britain), they're a little trickier than those of wine.
was a working-class drink, it did have its fans amon
ing the residents of certain colleges at Oxford and
had their own breweries—who became famous for
lethal collector's item called "Audit Ale." Moreove
breweries around the beginning of the nineteenth
picture. Great fortunes were made, and with them
bers suddenly bore titles and sat in the House of Lo
beer drinking pretty much had to become socia

LITERATURE 2J5

was considered woman's work)
ot safer than drinking from the
hy ten-year-old boys at Eton
f course. Naturally, with a life­
g at that—behind one, some

pular type of draught, or keg,
) that is light, dry, strong, and

(compared, that is, with the
er is neither the strongest nor
a pint of bitter," which will get
tters, the root extract used to

a 6 to 7 percent alcohol con­
a taste of roasted malt. Porter,
rter's ale," probably because it
n laborers, was an exception to
alcoholic beers, and it became
be more healthful than beer, it
swore by its salutary effects on
ed around the slogan "Peace,
ash in the pan, though; today

rsion of porter. This one man­
with whom the word "stout" is

way, is the same thing as ale in
Although, on the whole, beer
ng the upper echelons, includ­
d Cambridge—most of which
r producing a very dark, semi-
er, the rise of the big English
h century changed the whole
m great families, whose mem­
ords. Under the circumstances,
lly acceptable. Today, among

2j6 AN I N C O M P L E T E

beers, anything goes, with the
"mild," which still has a faintly

Meanwhile, sailors and other ro
downing:

GROG: Any liquor, but especial
named after Admiral Edward
cause he always wore a grogram
of rum aboard Her Majesty's s
sailors had taken up the practic
couldn't afford a stiffer dose.

And at the bottom of the barr
themselves with bad English GI
eighteenth century by William
for the workingman, forgetting
still being produced in Holland
the lower orders bought what t
"drunk for a penny, dead-drunk
that the pub owner would drag
the rest of the century, gin drin
nineteenth century, the gin epi
ous defection of many respecta
which gin was nicknamed "Mo

EDUCATION

e possible exception of a sweetish variety called
low-class image.

ough trade, when they weren't drinking beer, were

lly rum, that's been diluted with water. Grog was
Vernon (whom the sailors called "Old Grog" be­
m coat), who gave the order that the daily rations
ships be diluted. Pretty soon, taverns catering to
e, and grog became what one settled for when one

rel, so to speak, the wretched rabble were killing
IN. Gin had been promoted back at the start of the
m of Orange, who considered it the perfect drink
g, for the moment, that the only decent gin was
d and was much too expensive for poor people. So
they could afford, lured by the promise of getting
k for two-pence, and straw for nothing" (meaning
them to the cellar to let them sleep it off), and for
nking leveled the poor like a plague. By the mid-
demic had begun to taper off, except for the curi­
able working-class women from beer to gin, after
other's Ruin."

THE CARRIAGES: WH

In the nineteenth century, one's carria
connotations as one's car, or cars, do in
then, one had to be at least moderately
Yet most of us, faced with the mentio
loss as Jane Eyre would have been at th
The following guide may be of some h
carriages were custom-made, and hybr

PHAETON: Any of a bewilderingly large family
of four-wheeled open carriages that marked
the carriage's turning point from means-of-
transportation to status symbol. The earliest
models, the eccentric and risky Highflyers, in­
spired the prince regent—and everyone else—to

take up driving as a sport. Later, when the re­
gent, now George IV, became too fat to climb
into the original version, a low phaeton (pro­
nounced "FAY-ut-en") was devised. Drawn by
docile ponies, the low phaeton became the only
acceptable vehicle for a lady to drive.

CURRICLE: A racy little Italian import, also fash­
ionable during the Regency, when young gentle­
men prided themselves on being accomplished
"whips." Two-wheeled, and drawn by a pair of
horses instead of just one, curricles were built for
speed. They were used for both town and coun­
try driving and became very popular in the
trendy aristocrat's version of drag racing.

LITERATURE

HEELS OF FORTUNE

age, or carriages, had as many social
n Los Angeles today. (Of course, back
y upper crust to own a carriage at all.)
on of a cabriolet, are at as much of a
he mention of a Volvo station wagon.
help; keep in mind, however, that all
rids abounded.

CABRIOLET: The sports car of its time; super­
seded the curricle as the carriage for the
fashionable man-about-town. Considered the
perfect bachelor's carriage, it held two passen­
gers comfortably, sheltered by a hood with a
curtain that could be drawn for privacy. Rela­
tively economical since it was pulled by only
one horse, the cabriolet nevertheless allowed for
a certain amount of ostentation: One could—
and did—equip one's carriage with the largest,
finest horse one could find, accessorized, in

Cabriolet g&gSkk

(

case anyone missed the point, by the tiniest
available groom.

BROUGHAM: The discreet, black, coachman-
driven affair used by nervous peers in old
Jack-the-Ripper movies. Simple, practical, and
dignified, the brougham (pronounced "broom"
or "BROO-em") was named after its originator,
Lord Brougham, the lord chancellor of En­
gland. It was the one major innovation in

2J8 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Brought

coach-making under Queen Victoria, reflecting
the shift to a more sober, moralistic mood, and it
remained England's most popular closed carriage
throughout the Victorian era.

VICTORIA: A French import, known on the other
side of the Channel as a "milord." This was an­
other very popular, coachman-driven town car­
riage but, being open, or at most equipped with a
folding hood, it was used mainly in summer. A
great favorite with Victorian ladies, it was light,
low, elegant, roomy, and easy to climb into, and it

Victoria

came with sweeping mudguards to protect volu­
minous skirts.

LANDAU: The nineteenth-century equivalent of
a limo, the landau (pronounced "LAN-dow")
was second in formality to the closed town coach
(the nineteenth-century equivalent of a stretch
limo). A large four-horse carriage used for long­
distance travel and formal-dress occasions, it
held four passengers seated opposite each other

E EDUCATION

Landau

(which led to its sometimes being called a
"sociable-landau") and had a jointed hood that
could be raised or lowered, as with a hard-topped
convertible. At its most elaborate, the landau was
led by two postillions and accompanied by two
liveried outriders; all six horses were perfectly
matched, of course.

BAROUCHE: Like a landau in structure and sta­
tus but, because its folding hood covered only
one of its seats, used almost exclusively as a sum­
mer carriage. The fact that owners usually liked
to drive their barouches themselves also made
them a litde less formal than landaus. But the
barouche is the one you'll find most often re­
ferred to in novels, marking ceremonial occa­
sions, family outings, and sporting events. The
snobbish M r s . Elton, in Jane Austen's Emma,
never misses a chance to tell everybody that her
brother owns one, and Mr. Pickwick first meets
amiable old Mr. Wardle while the latter is
climbing out of his for a family picnic.

Barouche

GIG: T h e Volkswagen of the Victorian era; a
light, open, one-horse carriage that carried one
or two passengers perched directly above the two
wheels. Not particularly elegant but compact,

Gig

economical, and maneuverable, gigs became in­
creasingly popular as the century wore on. The
country doctor, for one, nearly always drove up in
his gig. Not acceptable for town use.

DOGCART: A S popular as a suburban station
wagon, and used in much the same way.
Originally built to hold a sportsman's dogs in a
ventilated storage boot beneath the seat, the
dogcart had a fold-up footboard that could
double as a seat, thereby accommodating four
passengers back to back. Since practicality, not
fashion, was what counted in country vehicles,
most landowners kept at least one dogcart on the
estate.

WAGONETTE: A big, plain, open wagon of a
thing, with bench seats inside, made specifically
for family excursions in the country. Although
not elegant, wagonettes were very much in vogue
for a while; Queen Victoria and the earl of

LITERATURE 239

Chesterfield didn't mind owning them, and King
Louis Philippe once sent Victoria the French
version, called a char-à-bancs, as a gift.

POST CHAISE: The gentlemanly alternative to
sharing legroom in a large mail or passenger
coach. One hired the post chaise in stages, from
inn to inn. They were always painted yellow and
were traditionally driven by an elderly postillion
dressed in a yellow jacket and a beaver hat. Al­
though this was considered the first-class way
to travel long distances, anyone looking for the
equivalent of flying the Concorde had to own
the private version of the post chaise, called a
traveling chariot, emblazoned with the family
crest.

HANSOM CAB: The "Gondola of London"; the
vehicle hired taxi-style by Sherlock Holmes and
any other gentleman who couldn't afford, or
didn't want, to keep a private carriage. For a long

Hansom cab

time, hansoms were considered quite dashing; no
respectable lady would be caught dead riding
alone in one, or with any man other than her
husband.

240 AN I N C O M P L E T E

THE MO
PICKPOCKE

FORT

As some of you no doubt rem
that is, with a portion of fetal
those days to be a sign of goo
mother having just been widow
tised for sale, in the newspape
bidder "offered two pounds in
the caul "was put up in a raffle
winner to spend five shillings
who, very reluctantly, produce
pence, and twopence halfpenny

Now, how much money did
guineas or less? And how muc
way? We're glad you asked. H
monetary system, back when E

POUND: Or, more formally, th
symbol and index of Britain's p
the world. Originally equivalen
lings (or "little stars," after t
the basic unit of English curre
not debased, but "sterling," or l
or a sovereign (gold coin). Th
the sign, equivalent to our $, i
Latin word for pound. Divide
and pence.

E EDUCATION

NEY: A GUIDE FOR
ETS, WASTRELS, AND
TUNE HUNTERS

member, David Copperfield was born with a caul,
l membrane encasing his infant head, believed in
od luck and a safeguard against drowning. David's
wed (and financially reduced), the caul "was adver­
ers, at the low price of fifteen guineas." A solitary
cash, and the balance in sherry," and subsequently
e . . . to fifty members at half-a-crown a head, the
s." It was won by "an old lady with a handbasket,
ed from it the stipulated five shillings, all in half­
y short."
d the raffle realize—more than the desired fifteen
ch did the old lady pay? And what's a guinea any­
Herewith, a guide to the intricacies of the English
England was calling the shots.

he pound sterling, for over nine hundred years a
power, wealth, and determination to get her way in
nt to a pound-weight of silver pennies, called ster­
the mark each was stamped with), later simply
ency—currency that was not foreign, not colonial,
lawful. It came in the form of a pound note (paper)
e slang term is "quid," always in the singular, and
is a crossed L , £, from the first letter of librum, the
ed, prior to 1971's shift to decimals, into shillings

SHILLING: Twenty of them used to make up a pou
tinued in 1971. In its mood, not unlike our quarte
ness was done in them; books, lunches, shoesh
bought. Abbreviated s., as in 12s., or symbolized
shillings even." The slang term is "bob."

PENNY: In the plural, "pence," twelve of which used
a pound). Now the pound comprises one hundred
pronounced "pee"). Used to be available in several de
ha'penny (or halfpenny), tuppence (or twopence)
fourpence (also called a groat), and sixpence (also
Abbreviated d.y from the Latin denarius, an old Ro
or, alternatively, £8/3/8—is eight pounds, three shil

There you have the basic units, simple enough prov
are twenty shillings in a pound and twelve pence i
way around. But, as you know, the English don't li
we have:

GUINEA: A little bigger than a pound—one shilling
a coin, made from gold from Guinea, with a little
meant to be employed specifically in the Africa
unit—£1 Is.—traditionally used to state such quant
scription amounts, and the value of pictures, horses
of stating the cost of something, as well as a way
cally—à la $9.98—that cost.

FLORIN: A silver coin, with a flower on it, worth tw

CROWN: Likewise silver, with a you-know-what
shillings. (A half crown is, obviously, 2V2 shillings.

FARTHING: A quarter of a penny.

MITE: Still less worth having: an eighth of a penny

So Mrs. Copperfield advertised the caul for £15
sherry offer (not alluring, given that her own sherr
A t the raffle, fifty people paid 2V2 shillings (or a
gether. The old lady came up with an additional
9]{lid., or considerably less than half the amount th
the other hand, those were the days when a poun
sterling.

LITERATURE 2A1

und, before they were discon-
er: Lots of routine daily busi-
hines, magazines, and gloves
by a slash, as in 12/-, "twelve

to make up a shilling (and 240
new pence (or one hundred p,
enominations, among them the
), thrippence (or threepence),
called a tanner, also a teston).
oman coin. Thus £8 3s. Sd.—
llings, and eight pence.

vided you can remember there
in a shilling and not the other
ike things to be too simple. S o

g bigger, to be precise. A t first
e elephant stamped on it and

trade. Since 1813, simply a
tities as professional fees, sub-
s, and estates. A "prestige" way
y of understating, psychologi-

wo shillings.

stamped on it. Worth five
.)

y.

5 15s. She received a £ 2 - p l u s -
ry was already on the market).
half crown) each, £6 5s. alto-
l 5s., less 2xlid. Total: £6 9s.
hat had at first been asked. On
nd sterling really was a pound

242 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Talking about what money wi
day one is actually considerin
lences over the decades and ac
certain generalizations can be

1. Inflation is not the inex
British history—would lead u
alternately risen and fallen, fal
haywire. While there was cons
teenth century (what with the
much leveled off. In fact, in 19
more than it did on the eve of

2. International events grav
the pound—or any other uni
American Revolution, a poun
shot up to $12.00 during the A
1880, not falling to a new "nor
Today it's worth well under $2

3. Not only does the percei
the living standard of the soc
transfer of cash, as opposed to
an employer, accounts for how
teenth century drew to a close
ple of pounds a week, just one
gallons of fresh milk or the re
pairs of serviceable ladies' sho

4. Not only do the perceived
of the society fluctuate, so do
country. For instance, money
in an industrial one, and in a p
a lot of gardens and pastures
sprouts seldom packs much of
are no music halls or gin mill
don't allow for many evenings

All that said, let's look a litt
George Eliot's Middlemarch (
form Bill was passed by Parlia
traught Lydgate (who's just los
"seven hundred a-year of my o
Casaubon left me, and betwee
bank." Keeping in mind that a
nal of the day, a family could

E EDUCATION

ill buy is tricky enough in one's own country on the
ng spending some of it. Arriving at exact equiva­
cross national boundaries is almost impossible. Still,

made. Among them:
xorable force recent history—and especially recent
us to believe it is. Since 1661, prices in Britain have
llen and risen, and only in the last generation gone
siderable inflation during the early part of the nine­

Napoleonic Wars), by the 1820s, things had pretty
911, on the eve of World War I, a pound would buy
f the Great Plague of 1665.
vely affect how many francs or dollars or quetzals
it of currency—is worth. Around the time of the
nd brought between $4.50 and $5.00; that figure
American Civil War, returning to "normal" during
rmal" level of about $2.50 until after World War II.
2.00.
ived "formal" value of the pound fluctuate, so does
ciety it serves, not to mention the degree to which
o, say, barter, or the providing of room and board by
w that society spends its money. Thus, as the nine­
, though few people were making more than a cou­
e pound would buy six bottles of whiskey or thirty
ent of a shop or house for nearly a month or fifteen
es.
d formal value of the pound and the living standard
o buying habits, human needs, and customs of the

seems to go further in an agricultural society than
part of the country—or of the century—that boasts
s, where the price of tomatoes, milk, and brussels
f a wallop, than it does in town. Then, too, if there
ls within a twenty-mile radius of your house, you
s out in your entertainment budget.

le more closely at Dorothea Brooke, the heroine of
(see page 245), who, in 1832, the year the First Re­
ament, can be overheard describing herself to a dis­
st four or five pounds at the billiard table) as having
own fortune, and nineteen hundred a-year that Mr.
en three and four thousand of ready money in the
a few years before, it has been estimated by a jour­
live on a minimum income of one guinea a week,

provided they didn't drink or "seek entertainment,"
Dorothea—while no Barbara Hutton—a very we
only was an 1832 pound worth at least fifteen of to
and living standards were lower, especially in Dorot
yet-industrialized, north-of-England town. Given
had an annual income that was the equivalent of at
other $115,000 in her savings account, which, sin
and didn't care about jewels or parties, was more t
tals, found a village, and bail Lydgate out. As to wh
that is, what it meant to have "seven hundred a-
should know that rents on the land he owned were
tocrat's income (as they still are for, say, Prince Ch
such things as a commercial class (relegated to Lo
profit, interest, and investment, but most country fo
great extent. Better to "live on" one's own estate, in

THE NAMES: ENGLI
SECOND LANGU

So we say Lord Tomato and they say Lord Tomaht
speak the same language, right? Wrong. It turns ou
we just translate, more or less successfully, as you'll
well-known names.

1. Bolingbroke (as in Henry IV's surname):
2. Pepys (as in Samuel, the diarist): P E E P S
3. Cowper (as in William, the poet): C O O P
4. Crichton (as in James, the Scottish Ren

Admirable Crichton," as well as all Briti
or Chreighton, and even the American n
5. Cockburn (as in Alicia, the eighteenth-ce
nineteenth-century lord chief justice of E
the expatriate journalist; plus Cockburn Ha
CO-burn

Two Scottish cities:
6. Edinburgh: ED-in-burra
7. Glasgow: G L A Z - k o or G L A Z - g o

Two place names that are easier to pronounce corre
8. Marlborough: M A R L - b u r r a or M A R - b u
9. Pall Mall: P E L L - M E L L

LITERATURE 243

" you can see that this makes
ealthy woman. Moreover, not
oday's pounds, it went further,
thea and Lydgate's small, not-
n all of this, our Miss Brooke
t least $75,000 a year, with an­
nce she owned her own home
than enough to endow hospi­
here her income came from—
-year" in the first place—you
the major source of every aris­
harles). O f course, there were
ondon and other big cities), as
olk didn't get embroiled to any
n both senses of the phrase.

ISH AS A
UAGE

to; what's the big deal? We all
ut that they speak English and
l see from the following list of

: BOLL-in-brook
S
P-er
naissance man known as "the
ish families named Chrichton
novelist, Michael): CRY-ten
entury wit; Sir Alexander, the
England; plain old Alexander,
arbour and Cockburn Sound):

ectly if you don't smoke:
urra

244 AN I N C O M P L E T E

One whose correct pronunciat
10: Queensberry (as in
MAR-kwis)

One case of the language doin
11. Magdalen and Mag
Cambridge): pronou
Magdalen

And a few that follow rules:
12. The county names e
it: Gloucester, Worc
ter, also, their alte
Leicestershire: GLO
13. T h e wichzs—drop th
wich: NOR-ich, WO
14. T h e wicks—ditto:
NORTH-ick, SOU
15. A London wark th
SUTH-erk
16. T h e ers—say "ar" (b
Berkeley (as in Geor
governor of Virginia
shire (the county), D
horse race): BARK-l
ford: HAR-ferd

Finally, a couple of instances i
should be speaking French:

17. Beauchamp (as in G
champ Place, and
BEECH-em

18. Beaulieu (the town a

And, the ultimate in inscrutab
19. Cholmondeley (a co

E EDUCATION

tion may sound like an affectation, but isn't:
n the marquess of): Q U E E N S - b r y (and that's

ng a double take:
gdalene (the college at Oxford and the college at
unced like "maudlin," which derives from the name

ending in cester—drop the c and the letter preceding
cester, Leicester: GLOSS-ter, WOOS-ter, L E S S -
ernative names: Gloucestershire, Worcestershire,
OSS-te-sher, WOOS-te-sher, LESS-te-sher
he w: Norwich, Woolwich, and the tip-off, Green­
OOL-ich, GREN-ich

Northwick, Southwick, Warwick, Smithwick:
UTH-ick, WAR-ick, SMITH-ick
hat can get you coming and going: Southwark:

ut stay on your toes; the rule doesn't always apply):
rge, the Irish philosopher; Sir William, the colonial
a; also, the former earldom and the square), Berk­
Derby (the borough, the earldom, and the English
lee, BARK-sher, DAR-by. And a tricky one: Hert­

in which they insist on speaking English when they

Guy de, Richard de, Thomas de; London's Beau-
Beauchamp Tower in the Tower of London):

and the abbey): BYOO-lee
ble British English:
ommon last name): CHUM-lee

Guess Who's Coming

TWELVE FICTIONAL CHARA

WHOM YOU SHOULD HAV

A NODDING ACQUA

Literature does have its practical applications. Fo
dinner party and you overhear your hostess de
your left as "a real Baron de Charlus." W h a t do you
And how should you feel about your hostess? Or yo

Baron de Charlus (from Proust's Rememberance of T
aristocrat who travels in the best society, the Ba
woman chaser while dating an eclectic assortment
tocrats do this all the time, of course, but the Baro
strain of depravity that it not only leads him
prematurely senile.

Cousin Bette (from Balzac's Cousin Bette): A n aging
An ugly duckling who, for various reasons, never
Bette is dependent on her relatives and is, therefore
bitterness behind a facade of goodwill. She's nob
she's dedicated her life to ruining other people's.

Father Zossima (from Dostoevsky's The Brothers K
elder, holy and ascetic, who teaches a doctrine of lo
dies, a miracle is expected, but instead, his body be
mediately. Cynics point to this as a sign that his te
self (a) if your hostess is a cynic, and (b) if you've h

IsabelArcher (from James' The Portrait ofa Lady): A
minded American girl who's off to Europe in searc
say she's headed for trouble. Isabel has her faults
sumptuous, she gets huffy when criticized, and she
in picking her friends. Still, you can't blame her for

Julien Sorel (from Stendhal's The Red and the Bla
young parvenu. A misfit determined to make it i
uses his love affairs to get ahead and almost manag
He is both too smart and too sentimental for his ow
he self-destructs.

LITERATURE

to Dinner?

ACTERS WITH

VE AT LEAST

AINTANCE

or instance, suppose you're at a
escribing you to the person on
u say to your new acquaintance?
ourself? See below.

Things Past): A closet case. A n
aron cultivates his image as a
of boys on the sly. French aris-
on suffers from such a virulent

into scandal, it makes him

g spinster consumed by hatred.
metamorphosed into a swan,
e, forced to hide her envy and

body's fool, however; secretly,

Karamazov): A famous church
ove and forbearance. When he
egins to decompose almost im-
eachings were false. Ask your-
had a checkup recently.

An intelligent, vivacious, high-
ch of her Destiny. Which is to
s: She's naïve and a little pre-
e could do with a lesson or two
r wanting to get out of Albany.

ack): A brilliant, hypocritical
in a society he despises, Sorel
ges to become a successful cad.
wn good, however; ultimately,

246 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Dorothea Brooke (from Eliot's
gence and integrity who longs
gets her into a disastrous marr
see the forest for the trees. Do
up a bit.

Alexey Vronsky (from Tolstoy
whom Anna Karenina abando
Vronsky isn't really a bad sort;
love affair. H e really does seem
the train that's taking him aw
tle space.

Emma Woodhouse (from Jane
a comfortable home and a ha
one years in the world with ve
rible snob, an incurable gossi
faults and to the mess she mak

Stephen Dedalus (from Joyce's A
Well, you can take this one o
Stephen may be a pretentious
he's an artist. On the other han
he has depth, intelligence, an
a father figure, and a striking

Eustacia Vye (from Hardy's Th
Pressure. Eustacia is stuck out
to until Clym Yeobright com
glamour and adventure, she m
teach school and spend quiet e
ing herself and everyone else m

Marlow (from Conrad's LordJ
tor of long stories, usually told
or another of Conrad's outcas
quently fatal moral dilemma. A
it is that "causes me to run up
hidden plague spots, by Jove!
their infernal confidences," he
lookout for a knotty problem

E EDUCATION

s Midd/emarch): A young woman of great intelli­
s to devote herself to a worthy cause. Her idealism
riage with Mr. Casaubon, an arid scholar who can't
orothea's a sweet kid, but she really ought to lighten

y's Anna Karenina): T h e dashing young officer for
ons her husband, child, and respectable society life.
; he just isn't neurotic enough to cope with a tragic
m to take it hard when Anna throws herself under
way to war. Heck, all the poor guy wanted was a lit­

Austen's Emma): "Handsome, clever, and rich, with
appy disposition," Emma has "lived nearly twenty-
ery little to distress or vex her." Too bad she's a ter­
ip, a cold fish, and utterly blind both to her own
kes trying to run everyone else's life.

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and Ulysses):
of two ways, as the critics have. On the one hand,

aesthete, an egomaniacal little prig who only thinks
nd, he may have talent. At any rate, he's not a bore;
abundance of Catholic guilt, a driving need to find
resemblance to James Joyce.

he Return of the Native): Caution: Contents Under
on the heath with nothing to do and no one to talk

mes home from Paris. Seeing him as her ticket to
marries him. Unfortunately, all he wants to do is
evenings in front of the fire. After a period of mak­
miserable, Eustacia drowns herself in a bog.

Jim, Heart of Darkness, and other tales): T h e narra­
d late at night over booze and cigars, in which one
sts works his way through some agonizing and fre­
Although Marlow claims to be baffled by whatever
against men with soft spots, with hard spots, with
! and loosens their tongues at the sight of me for
e is really a sleuth of the soul, as perpetually on the
as Ted Koppel.

Mrs. Ramsay (from Woolf 's To the Lighthouse): Som
Loving, tender, sensitive, instinctual, compassio
gracefully with eight children, a demanding husba
guests, and the village poor—all on a tight budge
beautifully that everyone who meets her wants to
bundles. If you're anything like her, give us a call.

Three Important-Sounding

(and Two Importa

Other Things) You May

Want to Watch O

PATHETIC FALL

A phrase coined by the British critic and essayist Jo
the tendency on the part of second-rate poets to at
and motivations of human beings. Ruskin cites a pa
"They rowed her in across the rolling foam— / Th
comments dryly, "The foam is not cruel, neither do
which attributes to it these characters of a living cr
son is unhinged by grief." However, while this prac
as morbid, "pathetic fallacy" is now a fairly neutra
nature-as-human image, whether convincing (as in
Keats) or absurd (as above). L o o k for a lot of pat
poets (where mountains mourn and fields smile)
Hardy.

INTENTIONAL FA

Or don't believe everything the author tells you—
plain why he's written the book or play or poem at h
front in Paradise Lost, tells us he wants to "justify th
(according to critics William K. Wimsatt Jr., and
up with the term "intentional fallacy") count on it.

LITERATURE 247

mebody's ideal of womanhood.
onate, and efficient, she copes
and, a steady stream of house-

t—and still manages to age so
paint her portrait or carry her

g Fallacies
ant-Sounding
y or May Not
Out For

LACY

ohn Ruskin to call attention to
ttribute to nature the emotions
assage from a poem of the day,
he cruel, crawling foam," then
oes it crawl. The state of mind
reature is one in which the rea­
ctice might have struck Ruskin
al term used to designate any
n the hands of Shakespeare or
thetic fallacy in the Romantic
and in the novels of Thomas

ALLACY

—especially if he's trying to ex­
hand. For instance, Milton, up
he ways of God to men." Don't
Monroe Beardsley, who came
. And even if it's true, if that's

248 AN I N C O M P L E T E

precisely why Milton thinks
thought he wrote it? The Big C
or the Work? Intentional falla
Forties and Fifties, who, havin
ground material when they wer
In other words, forget the Auth
music. And the Critic, of cours

AFFEC

The flip side of the intentional
Beardsley, who now warned ag
sult [what it is and what it doe
the music (and the Critic) mak
dark. Your emotional response
any more than how the poet o
react isn't the point; the poem
affective fallacy is what some c
emphasis, as Aristotle did, on
the intentional and affective fa
thetic fallacy," and not open-an

OBJECTI

T. S. Eliot's idea. It means t
write, "Hmm, how sad, even p
rock, who lives, I think, by t
Wordsworth, "A violet by a m
correlative—the concrete and
emotion in the form of art," a
chain of events which shall be
when the external facts, which
the emotion is immediately ev

NEGAT

Hard to get a clear definition h
ald to service-magazine journa
to deploy it. The phrase is K
slightly different, and slightly

E EDUCATION

he wrote his epic, so what? W h o cares why he
Critical Issue here: Which counts more, the Author
acy was a favorite thing of the New Critics of the
ng been force-fed historical and biographical back­
re kids, now insisted on "close readings of the text."
hor, forget his Period; it's you and the night and the
se.

CTIVE FALLACY

l fallacy, and likewise introduced by Wimsatt and
gainst the "confusion between the poem and its re­
es]"—i.e., it doesn't matter whether the night and
ke you feel amorous, or melancholy, or afraid of the
e to the poem or story or whatever doesn't matter
or novelist or whoever felt as he wrote it. How you

(etc.) is the poem. Is the poem. Note that (1) the
critics think happens when somebody puts a lot of

a goal like catharsis (see page 263), and (2) both
allacies are battle cries, not neutral terms like "pa­
nd-shut cases.

IVE CORRELATIVE

that a good poet, playwright, or novelist doesn't
pathetic, that girl looks, the one over there by that
the River Dove"; he says instead, at least if he's
mossy stone." Eliot maintained that the objective
d specific image—is "the only way of expressing
and he defines it as "a set of objects, a situation, a
e the formula of that particular emotion, such that
h must terminate in sensory experience, are given,
voked." Whatever; she still looks sad to us.

TIVE CAPABILITY

here, even though everybody from F. Scott Fitzger­
alists behaves as if he knows exactly how and when
eats', and he kept using it in letters to friends in
vague, senses. Somebody must have called him on

it (not that it did much good), because, in 1817, K
ity" in yet another letter: "that is, when a man is
ties, Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable re
Lionel Trilling (see page 34) interpreted this to me
"to make up one's mind about nothing—to let the
thoughts," to trust the subconscious and not "try t
F. Scott's reading of it (in The Crack-Up) was a littl
rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
time, and still retain the ability to function. One s
see that things are hopeless and yet be determin
Other people seem to think negative capability
tegrity. Or objectivity. Anyway, according to Keat
Who knows? So might you.

LITERATURE 249

Keats glosses "negative capabil­
capable of being in uncertain­
eaching after fact 6c reason."
ean "a way of dealing with life,"
mind be a thoroughfare for all
too hard in coming at a truth."
le different: "The test of a first-
d ideas in the mind at the same
should, for example, be able to
ned to make them otherwise."
is related to empathy. Or in­
ts, Shakespeare had a lot of it.

25o AN I N C O M P L E T E

Three Twenti
to R

Sure they're long, and none
mean you have to spend th
ments of high modernism, one

UL
JA

What did his limbs, w

New clean bedlinen, a
female, hers, the imprint
some flakes of potted me

If he had smiled why w

To reflect that each o
enter whereas he is alway
term of a succeeding one
alone, whereas he is neith
inating in and repeated t

The novel as cab ride: poth
springs are shot and the driver
the meter, and try not to antici

E EDUCATION Novels

ieth-Century
Reckon With

e of them's exactly a cliff-hanger. But that doesn't
he rest of your life tiptoeing around these monu­
e Irish, one French, one German.

LYSSES (1922)
AMES JOYCE

when gradually extended, encounter?

additional odours, the presence of a human form,
t of a human form, male, not his, some crumbs,
eat, recooked, which he removed.

would he have smiled?

ne who enters imagines himself to be the first to
ys the last term of a preceding series even if the first
e, each imagining himself to be first, last, only and
her first nor last nor only nor alone in a series orig­
o infinity.

holes, gridlock, minority-group parades, plus the
r's smoking a cigar. The trick is to sit back, ignore
ipate the destination. G o easy on yourself: Linear-

ity—getting from A to B—was never much on Joy
to be much on yours either. More than any other,
ceremony with.

But it is a book to be careful around. A n eyes-
bad-dream mutant of a novel, it's still every bit as
first time around. (The passage on the previous pa
in which Leopold Bloom—an advertising-space
hausted husband to Molly, would-be father to Ste
century analogue to Ulysses, a.k.a. Odysseus
down-to-earth yet cunning of the Greek heroes—
is as easy as the going gets.) The basic problem w
there's too much in it: The O^y^y-mimicking st
the eighteen episodes with a different academic di
organ, the symbols and allusions, the puns and par
of them Irish and voluble), the determination to do
and documentarily, and in eighteen hours and for
no less. Then there's Joyce himself, who, while he
"the greatest master of language in English since
the worst, third-grader-with-a-father-who-writes-f

Two tips: Don't be afraid to browse. Find an epi
Joyce's precise, unflagging, comic, and consolation
And don't be proud: A guide, like Stuart Gilbert's
Blamires' The Bloomsday Book, both of which pro
will help you over the rough patches.

REMEMBRANCE OF TH
(1913-1927)

MARCEL PROU

[S]ince the accident to her jaw, [Mme. Ver
fort involved in real hilarity, and had sub
dumb-show which signified, without endang
any way, that she was "laughing until she
aimed by any of the circle against a "bore," o
the circle who was now relegated to the limb
despair of M . Verdurin, who had always ma
ily amused as his wife, but who, since his lau
out of breath in a moment, and so was ove
device of a feigned but continuous hilarity—
shut tight her little bird-like eyes, which w

LITERATURE 251

yce's mind, and it doesn't have
, this is a book not to stand on

-in-the-gutter, Lz/è-goes-to-a-
off-putting as you found it the
age, from the "Ithaca" chapter,
salesman in 1904 Dublin, ex-
ephen Dedalus, and twentieth-
s [see page 255], the most
—comes home and goes to bed,
with Ulysses is, of course, that
tructure, the linking of each of
iscipline and a different bodily
rodies, the cast of dozens (each
o it all, both expressionistically
rty-five minutes of novel time,
e may be, as Eliot pronounced,
Milton," is also a show-off of
for-television sort.
isode you like. Then graze: L e t
nal portrayal of life take hold.
James Joyces "Ulysses" or Harry
ovide page-by-page assistance,

HINGS PAST

UST

rdurin] had abandoned the ef-
bstituted a kind of symbolical
gering or even fatiguing her in

cried." At the least witticism
or against a former member of
bo of "bores"—and to the utter
ade out that he was just as eas-
ughter was the "real thing," was
ertaken and vanquished by her
—she would utter a shrill cry,
were beginning to be clouded

252 AN I N C O M P L E T E

over by a cataract, and q
some indecent sight or
hands, which completely
thing at all, she would a
laugh which, were she t
mate. So, stupefied with
radeship, scandal, and a
seat like a cage-bird who
sit aloft and sob with fel

The novel as flotation tank.
mayonnaise than floating on w
inundation that the experience
fictitious first-person narrator
cover. T h e length of your sess
dense volumes, five resonant lo
between seven and ten majo
Marcel's infatuation with his m
passionate discovery of his lite
and something, at all).

Begin (and, if you must, en
tology; for conversational pur
meet many people who've ma
tive eventually comes full circl
acters are presented here. Shif
first recalls his childhood in th
on to tell of the doomed obses
an unworthy tart named Odett
roles and masks until they're u
way will either die or turn out
fectly adequate take on Proust
bling back into the sunlight, yo
serpentine sentences; the cons
sions; and the schizophrenic
edy—all in a way that you'll fi

Chic and snobbish, Proust
the impossible connections, to
tween transcendence and trend
and birds: His theories of relat

E EDUCATION

quickly, as though she only just had time to avoid
to parry a mortal blow, burying her face in her
y engulfed it, and prevented her from seeing any­

appear to be struggling to suppress, to eradicate a
to give way to it, must inevitably leave her inani­
h the gaiety of the "faithful," drunken with com­
sseveration, M m e . Verdurin, perched on her high
ose biscuit has been steeped in mulled wine, would
llow-feeling.

. Except that it feels more like you're suspended in
water, and, far from sensory deprivation, it's sensory
e winds up being all about. Your host(s): Marcel, a

as well as the author whose name appears on the
sion: three thousand pages, distributed over seven
ocales, half a dozen impressive drawing rooms, and
r love affairs (depending on whether you count
mother and his grandmother as one or two, and his
erary calling, on page two thousand nine hundred

nd) with Swanns Way, the first volume in the hep-
poses, at least, you'll have read Proust. You won't
de it through the whole thing; besides, the narra­
le, and virtually all its important themes and char­
ting back and forth in time and space, the narrator
he relatively innocent town of Combray, then goes
ssion of Robert Swann, an elegant dilettante, with
te de Crécy. (Later, all the characters will exchange
unidentifiable, and everyone you've met along the
t to be gay.) This segment will also give you a per­
t's prose style; in fact, by the time you come stum­
ou'll feel positively intimate with the interminable,
tant, unstoppable metaphors, analyses, and digres­
shifts from gloomy reverie to bitchy social com­
ind hard to explain to your roommate.
is nevertheless out to alter consciousness, to make
o demonstrate the relationships, real or illusory, be­
diness, art and love, the self and the other, people
tivity give Einstein's a run for their money.

THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN
THOMAS MAN

They even took Karen, one afternoon, to
Platz—she loved it all so very much. T h e ba
to the three, used as they were to breathing
breathing and made their heads feel heavy a
screen before their smarting eyes: life choppe
accelerated; a restless, jerky fluctuation of
performed to a thin accompaniment of music
the phantasmagoria of the past, and with t
command, yet managed to evoke a whole g
passion, abandon, and gurgling sensuality. It
and death they saw silently reeled off; the s
oriental despot, galloped past, full of gorg
thirst of power and raving religious self-ab
petite, and deathly lust, and slowing down to
lar development of the executioner's arms. C
to the innermost desires of an onlooking int

The novel as triathlon, with politics, philosophy
the water, and the foam-rubber inner sole should
Unlike Joyce and Proust, Mann—ever the burghe
you a crystal-clear picture of the action; while thi
impenetrable. But you do need a whole lot of endu
tures on duty and rationalism and Marxism and Er
by a different Old World spokesperson with an ax

Itself exhausted, yet moving relentlessly from
week, and finally year to year, The Magic Mounta
markable" Hans Castorp, virtually immobile in a
located high in the Alps in the days "before the G
course, is Europe, and Castorp's fellow inmates ar
gressive radicals, reactionary Jesuits, cat-eyed Ru
And a captive. Ditto the reader. And the amazing
as a Munich woman wrote to Mann, "I was not b
every page I read I was astonished that I was not b

If you don't get bored, it'll be despite Mann's
fisted) and storytelling technique (old-fashioned,
subject, which couldn't be more to the point: ar
Mann, an architect (to Proust's painter, Joyce's scu
site—all that rotting yet reassuring pre-World Wa
scraper on it. And everybody from J . Alfred Prufr
lunch in its ground-floor restaurant.

LITERATURE 253

N (1924)
NN

the Bioscope Theatre in the
ad air they sat in was offensive

the purest; it oppressed their
and dull. Life flitted across the
ed into small sections, fleeting,

appearing and disappearing,
c, which set its actual tempo to
the narrowest of means at its
amut of pomp and solemnity,
t was a thrilling drama of love
scenes, laid at the court of an
geousness and naked bodies,
bnegation; full of cruelty, ap­
o give a full view of the muscu­
Constructed, in short, to cater
ternational civilization.

y, and science where the bike,
be. Not hard to read, exactly:
r, never the bohemian—gives
ings get strange, they're never
urance to get through the lec­
os and vitalism, each delivered
x to grind.
m minute to minute, week to
ain keeps its hero, the "unre­
sanitarium for the tubercular,
Great War." The sanitarium, of
re Europe's dispossessed: pro­
ussians. Everyone's a patient.
g thing about the book is that,
bored by your novel, and with
bored."
craftsmanship (labored, ham-
digressive), and because of his
t, alienation, and apocalypse.
lptor), has taken a condemned
ar I culture—and built a sky­
rock to Woody Allen has had

254 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Gifts fr

A FEW ENRICH
CLASSIC CLA

HO

True, the scholars can't be sure
dering minstrel, that he really w
that he even really existed. For
lieve that there were two poets
ceded (and influenced) by the
homer was an archaic Greek ve
old you—not to mention the p
them under the name Homer

What we do know: that both
life stories in memorable, large
jan War (but, even taken togeth
that they were almost certainly
nearly four hundred years aft
meant to be recited, not read.

We also know that Western
the Odyssey, like the Old Tes
they're the cornerstone for the
vine Comedy, Milton's Paradise
"down"—Joyce's Ulysses (see pa
iest read; those embarking on s
the eighth century B.C. thought
ger, stronger, and better acquai
sult: a degree of overstatement
effect than it is from the heart)
dawn's, and "Poseidon, shaker
helped both the poet rememb
(after all, you didn't object whe
the same song).

Attention, please: While you
and the Odyssey, you'd be advis
better; some people will even
inventory. Which is precisely
the left, Odyssey on the right:

E EDUCATION

rom the Greeks

HING IDEAS FROM THE

ASSICAL CIVILIZATION

OMERWORK

e that he was really blind, that he was really a wan­
wrote both (or either) the Iliad and the Odyssey, or
r the record, most of the scholars now seem to be­
s at work here, the Odyssey poet having been pre­
Iliad poet, and some of them seem to think that
erb meaning "to set to verse." Whatever; given how
poems—are, it's probably easier just to go on filing
and hoping for the best.
h poems are epics, telling memorable, larger-than-
er-than-life language; that both concern the Tro­
her, tell only a small part of the story of that war);
y composed sometime in the eighth century B.C.,
ter the events they describe; and that they were

literature begins here. N o t only have the Iliad and
stament, never been dropped from the syllabus,
whole epic tradition: Virgil's Aeneid, Dante's Di­
e Lost, down through—with the emphasis on the
age 250). None of which makes for the world's eas­
same are advised to bear in mind that (1) people in
t of people in the twelfth century B.C. as being big­
inted with the gods than they themselves were (re­
t, and of man/god interaction, that's less just for
, and (2) all those "wine-dark sea's, "rosy-fingered
of earth"s, while they might have you nodding off,
ber his lines and the audience get into the mood
en Billy Joel sang "uptown girl" a dozen times in

u don't really have to read both (or either) the Iliad
sed to at least have an opinion as to which you like
treat your preference as a short-form personality
why we've prepared the following chart, Iliad on

Iliad

Prepare to stay put: a bleak, emba
beach outside the gates of Troy (
Ilium—hence the title—in pre
day Turkey), in the last months o
ten-year siege the Greeks have u
taken to avenge the wifenappin
luscious Helen from Spartan king
elaus by Trojan prince Paris

Main Characters The Greek Achilles (your basic t
hero, noble in all things and dashi
the max, but too proud and ven
for his own good) and the T
Hector (a hero himself, stuck fig
a war neither of his own making
worthy of him)

Supporting Cast On the Greek side: Agamemnon
king and general, brave but flu
able), Ajax (the consummate so
strong, daring, not too swift), Ody
(see opposite), Patroclus (swee
gentle, Achilles' longtime com
ion); on the Trojan side: Priam (
of Troy, father of both Hector
Paris); hovering over all: most o
gods and goddesses, rooting for
team or the other

attled Odyssey
(a.k.a.
esent- Don your life jacket: thousands of nauti­
of the cal miles and dozens of ports of call,
under­ over the course of ten years and much
ng of of the eastern Mediterranean, as Odys­
Men- seus—one of the heroes of the siege
of Troy—tries to get home to Ithaca

tragic Odysseus (alias Ulysses, prudent, re­
ing to sourceful, and a born survivor), his son
ngeful Telemachus (left at home for twenty
rojan years, trying to keep things together
ghting while wondering where his father—
g nor and his sense of self—is), his wife
Penelope (long-suffering, likewise re­
sourceful, fending off a clutch of suitors
by weaving and unweaving her prénup­
tial tapestry)

n (the The fantastical creatures (the women
uster- are especially memorable) Odysseus
oldier, encounters along the way, like C a ­
ysseus lypso, Circe, the Sirens, the Cyclopes,
et and Scylla and Charybdis, etc., etc.; the kings
mpan­ Telemachus preps under, Nestor (wise
(king and seasoned) and Menelaus (courdy and
considerate); Penelope's suitors, as a
and group; the goddess Athena, presiding
of the over the whole and protecting Odysseus
r one and company

256 AN I N C O M P L E T E

Plot Summary Iliad

Genre Agamemnon and Achilles quarr
Themes distribution of booty; Achilles g
Structure to sulk in tent; war goes on w
him; Patroclus, wearing Achill
Tone mor, is slain by Hector; Achil
Rating rage and despair, slays He
Achilles and Priam weep toget
Hector's funeral

Tragedy (said to be ancestor
drama)

Manliness, force, duty, arete (se
264); war (obviously), including
ing, killing, plundering; the
impulse

An examination, lasting 16,000
of a single, well-defined incid
the Trojan War (and including n
the war's beginning nor its end
cused, unified, selective

Sublime, intense

Preferred throughout antiquity
aristocratic choice (everybody i
an aristocrat or a god, and ever
who listened to it was probably
too)

But don't cast your ballot now; better to read
to what's going down at the moment for you. (T
lines 2 5 - 7 6 ; with the Odyssey you're better off skim
sides. And one more thing: Hit a dull or a bumpy
where for the most part you've been getting a smoo
of academics and book reviewers everywhere, coi
tury B.C.: "Even Homer nods."

E EDUCATION

rel over Odyssey
oes off
without Double (but simple) plot: Odysseus
les' ar­ tries—and tries and tries—to get home
lles, in as Telemachus defies suitors and finally
ector; sets out in quest of him; two (characters
ther at and plots) are finally united on Ithaca;
father and son slay suitors

of the Comedy (said to be ancestor of the
novel)

ee page Sensitivity, longing, home and family;
g fight­ the quest for identity and intimacy; the
e male roles of wit and luck, treachery and loy­
alty; the female principle

0 lines, The double plot, natch, plus 12,000 lines
dent in of stories from everybody you meet along
neither the way; more story lines than a year's
d); fo­ worth of All My Children; complex,
inclusive, digressive

Sophisticated, wry

y; the Favorite of contemporary readers (as
in it is borne out by trade-paperback sales fig­
rybody ures); the popular choice (a vote for peo­
y one, ple in all shapes and sizes, including
women, and with all manner of tales to
tell)

d a passage or two in each, decide which speaks
Try Priam's speech to Hector, Iliad, Book X X I I ,
mming till you find something you like.) Then take
y spot—in the Iliad, the Odyssey, or anyplace else
oth ride—and you can invoke the favorite formula
ined by the Roman poet Horace in the first cen­