An Incomplete Education - 3,684 Things You Should Have Learned but Probably Didn't

POLI

may or may not have had temporary work lately,
to buy you a Coke (ounce for ounce, at least
gasoline). If he's a rural peasant, he's probabl
cousins as an urban squatter, and you may find
him move—or to smuggle him across the border
any event, plan to be introduced to lots of little
in the coastal villa or the two-room cardboard sha
is a hefty 2.9 percent, and almost half of Mexico

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S PA

as you are, there's almost sure to be a problem. T
the Mexican-American Wars of the last century s
and it doesn't help that the real estate north
grabbed from Mexico back then has become pr
remind your date's parents that we're all imperial
herself is built on t h e bones of old Aztecs, Toltecs
will backfire, however, if your date is of predom
Spanish, ancestry. You can't go too far wrong if
stability (don't slip and say "stasis" instead), mak
a minute put it in the same category with the
America on the one hand or the totalitarian reg
South America on the other. Beam at any menti
tion, which broke the power of the old aristocr
constitution and broad-based political system,
much off everybody's back. Marvel at the coun
architecture, and literature, especially) and at
throughout the Spanish-speaking world. If none
smuggle everybody, Mom, Dad, date, and all un
border in the trunk of your car.

NICARAGUA

T H E LAYOUT: T h e biggest country in Central Am
fewest mouths to feed (about 3 million). There
landscape—mountains, lowlands, virgin forests, t
swampy Caribbean coast—but most of it's been ab
studded strip of land between the mountains and
of four Central American countries (the others are
Guatemala; Panama and Costa Rica have their
bound together by history, social conditions, clim
share a little isthmus the size of Montana, that wh

TICAL SCIENCE 361

and may or may not be able
t six times as expensive as
ly contemplating joining his
yourself being asked to help
r in the trunk of your car. In
brothers and sisters, whether
ack: T h e birth rate in Mexico
is less than sixteen years old.

ARENTS: That, well-mannered
T h e scars from the Texas and
still aren't completely healed,

of the Rio Grande that we
rimer and primer. You might
lists, really, and that Mexico
s, and Mayans; this approach
minantly Indian, rather than
you praise Mexico's political
king it clear that you don't for

banana republics of Central
gimes that used to dominate
ion of the 1910-1917 revolu­
racy, brought about a strong

and got the Church pretty
ntry's cultural record (in art,
t its position of leadership

of the above works, offer to
nmarried siblings, across the

A

merica and the one with the
e's plenty of variety to the
two huge lakes, and a torrid,
bandoned for a little volcano-
d the Pacific. Nicaragua is one
e Honduras, El Salvador, and

own problems) that are so
mate, and the fact that they all
hat happens to one can't help

362 AN I N C O M P L E T E

but rattle the others. As a
nationalism in this part of th
reason to view the area as pr

T H E SYSTEM: In 1933, when
around for eleven years prote
sio Somoza Garcia in charge o
American dictatorship," Som
arranged for the assassination
for whom the present-day Sa
For the next forty-five years,
family business than a countr
Sandinista revolutionaries ov
three-man junta. After elec
cranky, Western observers, r
of the junta, became presid
Sandinista directorate; a Nat

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW T O

have to go on one of those f
what's really happening dow
much. T h e Sandinistas may
only because they're so bele
nomic problems. But, thing
interference from the north,
fighters were suddenly faced
shop into a functioning nati
that made the revolution in
businessmen hoping for refor
radical transformation of soc
something familiar about th
But you also get to have a f
U.S. to be engaged in yet a
this point, may just be a m
even when you know it's pla

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW IF Y

guan? A Sandinista? Get read
meet a lot of nice Cubans a
former because they'll be try
be snapping photos and aski
of time hanging around th

EDUCATION

a result, ideology tends to count for more than
he world, and observers, both inside and out, have
rime domino-theory territory.

the U.S. Marines finally pulled out, after hanging
ecting U.S. commercial interests, they left Anasta-
of the National Guard. Before you could say "Latin
moza had turned the Guard into his personal militia,
n of his rival, General Sandino (the guerrilla leader
ndinistas are named), and made himself president.
, the Somoza clan ran Nicaragua more like a shady
ry. Finally, in 1979, after years of guerrilla fighting,
erthrew the Somoza dynasty and replaced it with a
tions held—and, according to some, admittedly
igged—in 1984, Daniel Ortega, former coordinator
dent. He shares leadership with a nine-member
tional Assembly exists, but is virtually powerless.

O READ T H E NEWSPAPERS: That you'll pretty much
fact-finding visits if you expect to get any feel for
wn there, and even if you do, you won't learn
y be, as they keep insisting they are, repressive
eaguered by Contra raids and U.S.-instigated eco­
gs would have been tough enough even without
given the fact that a bunch of under-age guerrilla-
d with turning the Somoza's family-owned sweat­
ional economy. Given, too, the uneasy marriage
n the first place: middle-class professionals and
rm, on the one hand; Marxist ideologues vowing a
ciety, on the other. You're not wrong to notice
he Sandinistas' end-justifies-the-means rhetoric.
feeling of déjà vu when daily evidence shows the
another "secret war." Reading the newspapers, at
atter of picking sides and rooting for your team,
aying dirty.

Y O U ' R E D A T I N G A N I C A R A G U A N : What kind of Nicara-
dy to memorize the usual Marxist propaganda, to
and even more nice gringos (you'll recognize the
ying to make themselves invisible; the latter will
ing loads of questions), and to spend a good deal
e barracks drinking soda with your date's army

POLI

buddies. If you feel like making yourself useful,
help vaccinate the kids in the local barrio, or
countryside to train teachers. (No need to feel ina
writing is all you'll need to know, along with a few
picked up at the barracks.) What if your date's a
be out in the countryside—mostly next door, in
commandeering chickens from the locals. You ma
of civilians or two, just to earn your keep. And yo
of a hick; many of the Contras are peasants who
lived so removed from all the revolutionary rucku
who they're fighting, or why; they just do what
might turn out to be a Miskito Indian who joine
pro-U.S. or because he'd been driven from his
Whoever you're with, you'll probably find some
games. Remember that 65 percent of Nicaragua's
most of the soldiers are younger than that; and w
villages or shooting down civilians, kids still want

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S PAR

mestizos, of mixed European and Indian ancestr
the population, and that they've spent their who
nanas, or coffee beans and being treated like dum
the hacienda. T h e y may have had high hopes for
(or they may not have known it was going on), but
things being pretty much the way they've always
They may be feeling a little more unsettled than
in an area of heavy fighting or if they're among
fighting for the Sandinistas and one for the Cont
upset if the priest doesn't come out to the vill
Church in Nicaragua, one of the most radical in La
role in revolutionizing the rural peasants, but even
talk to the Vatican sometimes, and the Vatican
down on preaching Marx to the locals. Don't,
cynical, antireligious remarks. Some Cuban teache
of the revolution, and that was the end of Cuban

TICAL SCIENCE 363

you can always volunteer to
you could head out to the
adequate; a little reading and
w of the Party slogans you've
Contra? Well, you'll already
n Honduras or Costa Rica—
ay have to ambush a busload
our date may seem like a bit
o, until they were recruited,
us that they've never known
t they're told. Or your date
ed the Contras because he's
s home by the Sandinistas.
time during the day to play
population is under age 35;
when they're not out trashing
to have fun.

RENTS: That they're probably
ry, like nearly 70 percent of
ole lives picking cotton, ba­
mb animals by the folks up at
the revolution at some point
t by now, they're resigned to

been, only with less to eat.
usual, especially if they live
g the families with one kid
ras. And they really will be
lage anymore. T h e Catholic
atin America, played a major
n Nicaraguan priests have to
has recently turned thumbs
however, feel free to make
ers tried to in the early days
ns in Nicaraguan classrooms.

364 AN I N C O M P L E T E

T H E LAYOUT: It's the bigges
block's in shantytown, co
crowded together in a row
about to give way. In fact, t
century ago by imperialists
convenience of their respec
nearly all of them are havin
ria's the one at the far end
Africa. A former British co
extends farther north than
swamps and tropical forests
center, semidesert in the
million inhabitants, it's also

T H E SYSTEM: After gaining in
federal republic comprising
North, West, and East Nige
tory of Lagos—loosely bou
When north-south hostilities
moved in to take over. Ma

E EDUCATION

NIGERIA

st, fanciest house on the block, granted, but the
nsisting of nine ramshackle converted colonies
and looking for all the world as if their stilts are
they were all carved out of the mangrove swamp a
who were thinking more about the administrative
tive motherlands than about sensible zoning, and
ng to struggle to remain standing as nations. Nige­
d, just before you turn the corner into Equatorial
olony surrounded by former French colonies, it
its neighbors and is geographically more diverse:
s in the south, grasslands and savannas in the
far north. With somewhere between 80 and 95
the most populous country on the continent.
ndependence in 1960, Nigeria became, in 1963, a
g four more or less self-governing territories—
eria (later known as Biafra), and the Federal Terri­
und together under a weak central government.
s broke out in 1966, the Supreme Military Council
artial law held things together, through two at-

POLI

tempted coups and a political assassination, until
mentary government was replaced by a U.S.-style
country was reorganized into nineteen states in
antagonisms. At the end of 1983, another milita
dential democracy out of its misery. T h e general
ment was himself toppled in 1985. T h e latest g
well in hand, but you might want to wait until he
before you memorize his name. Don't worry, y
until Oct. 1, 1990, the date on which the milita
country back over to the people.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPAPER

oil—a particularly pure, particularly desirable var
Seventies, a Cinderella nation for which sudde
problems as it solved (e.g., an unstable, overspe
town atmosphere of high inflation, widespread
expectations; and a government that, when sub
pressed world oil market, was left holding a ba
could no longer afford to keep). Nigeria's also go
ethnic groups that can't understand each other'
ones that don't much like each other), and a n
civil war back in the Sixties, when the people
secede and form the Republic of Biafra, only to
own barren (but oil-rich) land, where thousands
And speaking of failures to communicate, Niger
well with its neighbors either, particularly Came
petually bickering over offshore oil rights.

WHAT YOU N E E D T O KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A NIGÉR

to call; there are plenty of telephones in Nigeria
Going to the movies will almost surely be a hassl
car, but you'll have a hard time finding gas for i
which case you'll spend most of the day stuck in
as a "go-slow." And we do mean "day;" althoug
shooting armed robbers, you'd be crazy to ventu
economy with skyrocketing urban unemploymen
everything. If you like your date, you probably w
watching the electricity flicker on and off. Spea
allowances if he or she seems a bit excitable, no
you think you'd feel if you had one foot in tribal
eth-century slum-living, plus a brand new telev
cause no one in the country can afford to import

TICAL SCIENCE 365

l 1979, when the old parlia­
e presidential system and the

an effort to defuse regional
ary coup put Nigeria's presi­
in charge of the new govern­
general seems to have things
e's stuck it out a little longer
you'll probably have at least
ary has promised to turn the

R S : T h a t Nigeria's got lots of
riety of oil—and was, in the
en wealth created as many
ecialized economy; a boom-

corruption, and unrealistic
bsequently faced with a de­
ag of ambitious promises it
ot unification headaches: 250
s lingo (including three big
north-south split that led to
e of the southeast tried to
o be barricaded inside their
s of them starved to death.
ria doesn't get along all that
eroon, with whom it is per­

I A N : D o n ' t wait for your date
a but they hardly ever work.
e, too. Your date may have a
it, unless you're in Lagos, in
n a traffic jam, known locally
gh the military has taken to
ure out after dark in a cash
nt and shortages on virtually
won't mind staying home and
aking of your date, do make
ot to say psychotic. How do
ism and the other in twenti­
vision that doesn't work be­
parts anymore?

366 AN I N C O M P L E T E

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW TO

they'll probably speak Engl
anything goes. It's just as we
put your foot in it. If they
Fulanis, conservative and ag
cause they were once a rulin
or two in full regalia), and n
sent their kids to public sc
more. If they're from the so
tian Yorubas, who've been
Moslem groups (who make
clamoring for Islamization
southeast territories home, t
put-upon because so much o
in the good old days they n
profits in return. Don't me
name still conjures up hard f
body really is trying harder

T H E LAYOUT: Say hello to th
in the room before you go c
can happen and something i

EDUCATION

M E E T YOUR D A T E ' S P A R E N T S : If they live in the city,
lish, the official language, but out in the country,
ell; the minute you opened your mouth, you'd just
live in the north, they're undoubtedly Hausas or
ggressively Moslem. T h e Hausas are resentful be­
ng class (if you go to visit, you might still see a sultan
ow, just because they never moved to the cities and
hools, no one asks their opinion on anything any­
outhwest, they'll be relatively sophisticated Chris­
feeling paranoid ever since the Hausas and other
up about half of Nigeria's total population) started
of the whole country. And if they call one of the
they may well be activist Ibos, who feel chronically
of Nigeria's oil is dug out of their land and yet even
ever, they insist, got more than a tiny sliver of the
ention Biafra, whoever you're talking to; the very
feelings and, despite all the minor irritations, every­
to get along with one another now.

PAKISTAN
NHHi

he Subcontinent (make sure there are no Pakistanis
calling it the Indian Subcontinent), where anything
involving the death of millions usually does. Paki-

POLI

stan, the slab at the western border angling d
mountains to the Arabian Sea, marks the spot
Hindu worlds collide. West of Pakistan are the
Middle Eastern gang, all reassuringly Moslem,
rectly east is the gaping maw of India, Pakistan's
over to the east, across about a thousand mil
long-suffering pariah that used to be known a
Bangladesh.) Looming overhead are the two b
Union, currently crunching down on what use
Afghanistan, and China, whose toes nudge Pa
Kashmir region ever so gently. Terrain-wise, Paki
home about; apart from the mountains, it's mostl
logged alluvial plain, divided into four provinces—
and the Northwest Frontier—that are chronical

T H E S Y S T E M : Apparently, that's for Allah to know
the Provisional Military Government, to find ou
tan was carved out of the old British India as a
India inherited the colonial version of British pa
or less intact, while Pakistan inherited fond me
trained in the Indian army. As a result, governm
Argentine mold—a few years of civilian flounderi
a military takeover. Last time around, in 1977, it
Ali Bhutto, a Peron-like populist demagogue, wh
bumped off). His successor, Gen. Muhammad
only be around for ninety days), has since made
tions off indefinitely, and outlined a new constit
away with the old parliamentary system without
it. Looks like it will be some sort of presidential
few, vice presidents; a 350-member advisory cou
businessmen, unions, whoever; and all the old
Bhutto's. Growing opposition, led by Bhutto's R
Benazir, may mean further upheaval ahead.

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW T O READ T H E NEWSPAPER

tubes and the Soviets in Afghanistan, Pakistan su
for White House parties. While it seems to be enj
as a front-line state—mediator for its Moslem bro
the fact that for years the two countries have
common border—and its military-aid package fr
about to do anything that might really offend the
global strategy in this part of the world may seem

TICAL SCIENCE 367

down from the Hindu Kush
t at which the Moslem and
e rich relations: Iran and the
if a bit . . . unbalanced. D i ­
s Mommy Dearest. (And way
es of India, you'll find t h e
as East Pakistan, now called
big feet of Asia: the Soviet
ed to be the buffer state of
akistan's perenially inflamed
istan itself is nothing to write
ly irrigated desert and water­
—Punjab, Sinh, Baluchistan,
lly at odds with each other.

w and the rest of us, including
ut. Back in 1947, when Pakis­
a homeland for its Moslems,
arliamentary democracy more
emories and a lot of soldiers

ent here is very much in t h e
ing habitually culminating in
t was Prime Minister Zulfikar
ho got bumped (and, in 1979,
Zia ul-Haq (who swore he'd

himself president, put elec­
tution that pretty much does

explaining what's to replace
system with one, or maybe a
uncil made u p of, you know,
d political parties except for
Radcliffe-educated daughter,

RS: That with Iran down the
ddenly moved to the "A" list
joying its new-found prestige
others in Afghanistan, despite
been squabbling over their
rom the U.S., Pakistan's not
e Russians. Actually, although
m fairly obvious to the outside

368 AN I N C O M P L E T E

observer (the Russians desce
Persian Gulf; the U.S. hurri
Pakistan against the assault)
of a schoolyard feud; the su
seeing a grown-up game of
under their shirts. Pakistan
India, who already acts as if
her time until she can devou
that the Soviet invasion of A
little paranoid about Moslem
U.S. for acting as if we pref
trying to sort out who hates
got the Bomb and Pakistan's

WHAT YOU N E E D T O KNOW IF

headed for heartbreak becau
Pakistan is a remittance econ
In fact, whole segments of
gling the best possible deals
country, dependents welcom
hard on your date; if he st
around the bazaar all day, g
shortage. On the other hand
have your head examined. M
ruin some innocent girl's life
around with somebody's wif
get you 100 lashes.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO

your money and use your m
their daughter. If you insist
where they hail from; most o
else after World War II. D
bummed out. Pakistan, as M
strike even Pakistanis as one
the time (the fact that the
back in the Prophet's time, a
might have tipped them of
Don't think you're going to
and his Islamization movem
bitch, but he was a real frien

EDUCATION

ending glacier-like toward the Arabian Sea and the
iedly trying to patch up old snubs and strengthen
, the Subcontinent itself still operates on the level
uperpowers may like to behave as if they'remover-
chess, but the players all have slingshots hidden

continues to think the real threat comes from
she owns the Subcontinent and is secretly biding
ur all Moslem children. India, for her part, insists
Afghanistan was a defensive move. Fact is, she is a
ms and what's more, she's still furious with the
ferred Pakistan right from the start. While you're
whom the most, keep in mind that India's already
s working on it.

F YOU'RE D A T I N G A PAKISTANI: That you may be
se your date's just using you to get his green card.
nomy, and manpower is its most profitable export.
the government bureacracy are devoted to fina­
s on visas—student visas easily extendable in this
me in that one, that sort of thing. Don't be too
tayed home, he'd have nothing to do but hang
getting into trouble and exacerbating the housing
, if you're dating a Moslem woman, you ought to
Moslem women don't date; you're either going to
e (virginity still counts here) or get caught messing
fe, which, under Zia's reinstated Islamic law, will

O MEET YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: That they may take
medical facilities, but they'll never let you marry
t on trying to ingratiate yourself, you might ask
of the older generation emigrated from somewhere
D o n ' t be surprised, though, if they seem a little
Moslem paradise and ideal state, is beginning to
e of those things that seemed like a good idea at
Moslem paradise they had in mind only existed
and that even that one only lasted thirty-two years,
ff that it wasn't all going to be smooth sailing).

score any points by waxing enthusiastic over Zia
ment; Bhutto may have been a corrupt son of a
nd to the working man—he gave a lot of power to

POLI

the trade unions and knew just where and whe
temple doors. It was probably a mistake to hang
still alive and kicking, and revenge is a time-hono

SAUDI ARABIA

T H E LAYOUT: 830,000 square miles of desert like
temperatures routinely in excess of 118° F and n
bar in sight. T h e oil fields are in the east, over
Moslem holy cities of Mecca and Medina are in
Sea; Riyadh, the capital, is in the big middle chu
of the Sauds, the country's ruling family; and to
Empty Quarter, the Rub al Khali, which even t
only one percent of the country is suitable for
palm. A single statistic says it all: Gasoline cost, t
cents a gallon; mineral water, $5.
T H E S Y S T E M : A feudalistic monarchy, even if the c
old. T h e royal family, consisting of something like
number of princesses, is descended from Abdul A
back in 1932, established a kingdom out of a patc
and a couple of shards of the former Ottoman Em
succession of his sons and grandsons (kingship alw

TICAL SCIENCE

n to donate the odd pair of
him, given that his family is
ored Islamic tradition.

A

you wouldn't believe, with
ary a river, stream, or hotel
r near the Persian Gulf; the
the west, over near the Red
unk, the traditional preserve
o the south is the bone-dry
the Bedouins avoid. In fact,
growing so much as a date
the last time we checked, 31

country is only half-a-century
e 4,000 princes and an equal
Aziz ibn Saud, the man who,
chwork of rival desert tribes
mpire. Ever since, he and a
ways passing through the first

370 AN I N C O M P L E T E

king, rather than the curre
current King is named Fahd
and the governor of the c
half-brother, and the foreig
Israelis grumble, "It's not
twenty-five-man Council of
and—this sounds good on p
monthly majlis, or audience
his locally based son-in-law)
cares to make. The other a
the ulama, the religious sch
but also as the national judi
and sometimes even overrid
sultative assembly" are repo

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO

are the world's third-largest
cans), even if they are toda
per day they were pumpin
member of the dreaded O P E
That, in the Seventies, it lo
shoes as leader of the Ara
isolationism, and an unwillin
the Eighties, it looked as if
and the U.S., but that—the
a financial crash at home—th
less believes in Arab solid
Palestine Liberation Organiz
in the person of the prosely
but that it also thinks its Am
Russians (already entrenched
Sea, and Afghanistan over y
pipelines. That, as allies go
helluva lot, but that, more
can get, especially if they're

WHAT YOU N E E D T O KNOW IF

girl, she'll be a nurse, a te
many professional options f
college. She may also, dep
wearing the veil; even so, do

EDUCATION

nt one) have ruled with absolute authority. The
d, and the defense minister, the interior minister,
capital are all his brothers, the crown prince his
gn minister his nephew. (Not for nothing do the
a country, it's a family".) Also in the picture: a
f Ministers that the king gets to appoint himself
aper, but think twice before you ask for one—the
with the king, at which the king (or, more likely,

hears any and all gripes anybody in the kingdom
uthority in this patriarchal, rabidly Islamic nation:
holars and priests, who function not only as clergy
icial system, meting out punishments Koran-style
ding the monarch. Plans for a more popular "con­
ortedly being studied, but don't hold your breath.

O READ T H E NEWSPAPERS: That the Saudi Arabians
oil producers (after the Russians and the Ameri­
y pumping fewer than half the number of barrels
g back in 1980, and that they've been the key

E C (see page 389) ever since its founding in 1960.
ooked as if Saudi Arabia would be filling Egypt's
ab world, but that—the result of traditionalism,
ngness to commit—that never happened. That, in
Saudi Arabia would be buying up most of Europe

result of the fall in the demand for oil abroad and
hat never happened. That Saudi Arabia neverthe­
arity, subsidizing, among others, Syria and the
zation, and backs Iraq in the war with Iran (whom,
ytizing Ayatollah Khomeini, it loathes and fears),
merican connection is the only thing keeping the
d in Yemen to the south, Ethiopia across the Red
yonder) from camping out along its Persian Gulf
o, Saudi Arabia can't be counted on for a whole
than ever these days, you take what friends you

relatively stable and very rich.

F Y O U ' R E D A T I N G A S A U D I A R A B I A N : If your date's a
eacher, a princess, or unemployed—there aren't
for Saudi women, though a lot of them do go to
pending on her family and home town, still be
on't rule out the occasional present, easily selected

POLI

at, say, the Yves Saint Laurent boutique in Jiddah
Riyadh. If you're dating a boy, things will be tha
he's a member of, friend of, or supplier to the roy
making money hand over fist in contract comm
won't be hard up for creature comforts: Most fam
a washing machine, a radio, a T V , and, if they liv
recorders. Important social note: If invited to the
in which 2,704 camels cover a 22 km. course, don
Lately the Saudis have been cracking down on al
cans can no longer count on a suspended sentenc
flogging. T r u e , the flogging isn't as bad as it is i
the flogger has to hold the hefty Koran under hi
gets to wear a T-shirt, but forty lashes is still forty

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S

words will prove that your heart's in the right p
which you already know, add hajj, the pilgrima
birthplace, which every Moslem is enjoined to m
and salat al-fajr, which has nothing to do with lig
do with dawn prayers. Abdul Aziz will still be ta
Saudi Arabia "by the will of Allah and the strengt
however, allude to his oldest son, Saud (who was
ness and incompetence), and be respectful if the
returned the country to moral rectitude and fi
assassinated in 1975 by a nephew in the midd
majlis). You might lament the passing of the Bedo
falcons perched on their wrists and salukis pranc
now down to a population roughly that of Hartford
at the modernization—Toyota dealerships, traffic
the Dallas/Fort Worth one look like LaGuardia—t
the peninsula.

SWITZERLAND

T H E L A Y O U T : Small, landlocked nation of central
bottom by mountain ranges (the Jura and the Alps
(Geneva and Constance), and full of edelweis
streams, snow-capped peaks, ski resorts, and, it
Derives its languages and tastes in literature from

TICAL SCIENCE 371

h or the Christian Dior one in
at much easier—especially if
yal family, in which case he's
missions. In any event, you
milies own an air conditioner,
ve in town, four or five video
e annual King's Camel Race,
n't bring a flask to the track.
lcohol and drugs, and Ameri­
ce in place of the prescribed
in, say, Pakistan, given that
is whip arm and the floggee
y lashes.

P A R E N T S : A COUple of Arab
place. T o majlis and ulama,
age to Mecca, Muhammad's
make at least once in his life,
ght lunches and everything to
alked of, and how he united
th of his right hand." Don't,
deposed in 1964 for wanton­
e name Faisal comes up (he
scal responsibility, and was
dle of an otherwise routine
ouins, those nomads of yore,
cing at their sides, who are
d. Or you might simply gape
jams, and airports that make
that's so in evidence all over

D

Europe, sealed off top and
s) and on either side by lakes
ss, brass cowbells, rushing
t turns out, fallout shelters.

its neighbors: T h e western

372 AN I N C O M P L E T E

sector (focused on Geneva)
(focused on Zurich), constitu
the south gesticulates in Ita

T H E SYSTEM: Federal repub
Probably the most direct a
référendums (Should we b
have federal riot police? Sh
and Turkey?), citizens' init
local levels. (The states in
six of them, each with its o
parliament selects the presi
time greeting foreign dign
power, both political and ec
Switzerland), is concentrate
farmers, bankers, trade unio
suses in "preparliamentary
agreed to agree on most issu

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW TO

devoutly neutral, that doesn
have a long history of suppl
the Swiss Guards in the Va
reserve of 650,000, with eve
hour call until h e ' s fifty. An
the nuclear holocaust that's
fallout shelters do interim d
underground hangars edge a
storage vaults concealed be
much, at least some of the g
people, the third largest h
Germany. As for its day-to-d
the proficiency at making
handling money (Switzerlan
except three Arab mini-stat
this with no natural resource

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW IF

conservatism, isolationism, a
a person down. Who, after
who could really b e proud o
country that might never b

EDUCATION

) speaks French; the central and eastern sectors
uting the bulk of the country, speaks German; and
alian.

lic, officially known as the Swiss Confederation.
and most genuine democracy going, with lots of
e forced to have seatbelts in our cars? Should we
hould we send the "guest workers" back to Spain
iatives, and gung-ho government at the state and
this case are called cantons, and there are twenty-
own constitution, budget, and laws.) A two-house
ident and vice president, who spend most of their
itaries and toasting visiting dance troupes. Real
conomic (not that it's easy to tell the difference in
ed in the hands of a few hundred industrialists,
on leaders, and the like, who hammer out consen­

commissions." Political parties exist, but have
ues.

O R E A D T H E N E W S P A P E R S : T h a t while Switzerland is
n't mean it's the least bit pacifist. Not only does it
lying mercenaries to the rest of Europe (of which
atican are the last vestige), it maintains an army
ry able-bodied man in the country on twenty-four-
nd, unlike the rest of us, it's determined to survive

so obviously around the corner: Mandatory home
uty as laundry rooms and wine cellars; networks of
all major cities, ready to disgorge j e t fighters; and
ehind fake rocks will safeguard, thank you very
gold that gives Switzerland, with a paltry 6 million
holdings in the world, after the U.S. and West
day prosperity, everything you've heard about it—
clocks, watches, and chocolates, the deftness at
nd has a higher per-capita income than anybody
tes), the forty-four-hour work week—is true. All
es to speak of beyond water.

Y O U ' R E D A T I N G A swiss: T h a t all that materialism,
and early-to-bed-early-to-rise stuff can begin to get
all, wants to feel that he's living in a clinic? (And
of the fact that he's a citizen of the one European
be mentioned in a college-level European-history

POLI

textbook and not even be missed?) Even if your
Papa in the watchmaking, banking, or pharmace
want to sound him out on such potentially div
women until 1971 to get the vote in Switzerland
land; women in a couple of cantons still don't qu
really feels that laundering money for Arab sheik
proper occupation for a nation that can't stop pat
probity and charm. You'll also want to check with
the Movement of the Discontented, the Zurich-
pied the steps of the opera house and pelted ev
heard that 60 million francs were to be spent r
didn't even have a club house. Not, obviously, t
up and old in a country where only 7 percent of th
and everybody else is expected to go off to trade
of his life making cuckoo clocks and sweeping th
buy your date's seeming complacency without
canceled checks to see how much he spends ever

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S P

Europe's oldest republic, and that's nice. Also,
every conflict since 1815, and that's nice, too, pro
on how, as a neutral, it sold corn, wheat, and
made a bundle shipping munitions on its strate
italy railways. On second thought, best not to roc
So before you get going on WW II (or the ethi
counts), compliment your hosts on keeping such
reputation as a haven for emigres, of both the r
dissident and brooding varieties. (Visitors this cen
Mann, James Joyce, Solzhenitsyn, Lenin, and Tr
expect necessarily to be taken to your date's pare
a Swiss mother to this day advises her daughte
category that includes not only the world beyon
within them that don't speak the same language

TICAL SCIENCE 373

date seems content to follow
euticals business, you'll still
visive issues as why it took
d (at least in most of Switzer­
uite have it); and whether he
ks and American mafiosi is a
ting itself on the back for its
him on what ever became of
-based youth gang who occu­
erybody with eggs after they
estoring the opera when they
that it's all that easy growing
he population attends college
e school, then spend the rest
he front walk. In short, don't

first thumbing through his
ry month on his shrink.

P A R E N T S : Well, Switzerland is
it's been officially neutral in
ovided you don't get hung up
armaments to the Nazis and
egically located Germany-to-
ck the boat at Sunday dinner.
ics of unnumbered bank ac­
h a neat country and on their
rich and fashionable and the
ntury have included Thomas
ristan Tzara.) Don't yourself
ents' bosom, however: Many
er not to marry "foreign"—a
nd the Alps but those areas
she does.

374 AN I N C O M P L E T E

T H E LAYOUT: Small, teardrop
the Republic of China)—loc
coast of the other China. O n e
because of the rugged and h
ning spinelike down the isla
first sound: 18 million peop
radios in an area considerably

T H E SYSTEM: Under martial l
munist Chinese, Generalissi
(i.e., Nationalist Chinese) fo
to catch their breath before
they'd lost. Four decades lat
governed not only despoticall
bly and a clutch of Yuan (or
since these bodies were creat
of China now sits on the oth
logically be held until the K
of office go on forever, and
and/or in wheelchairs. Chiang
the local political machine, w
only in a loose coalition ca
country's only president unti
kuo, himself no spring chick

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW TO R

into a corner when it didn't
went on touting itself as the

EDUCATION

TAIWAN

p-shaped island—a.k.a. Formosa (and, officially,
cated less than a hundred miles off the southern

of the most crowded countries in the world, and,
heavily forested Chungyang mountain range run­
and, things are even more congested than they at
ple eat, sleep, love, plow, and make transistor
y smaller than Connecticut.

law since 1949, when, pursued by a zillion Com­
imo Chiang Kai-shek withdrew his Kuomintang
orces from the mainland and set them down here

reclaiming the 4 million square miles of ground
ter, they're still waiting. As a result,, the island's
ly, but provisionally. An elected National Assem­
councils), also elected, do most of the work, but
ted to represent all of China, and since 95 percent
her side of the Formosa Strait, real elections can't
MT recovers the mainland. Consequently, terms
a lot of delegates pull up to the Assembly senile
g remained head of the K M T (which turned into
with opposition candidates allowed to campaign
alled the dangwai, "outside the party") and his
il he died in 1975; today his son, Chiang Ching-
en, is in charge.

READ T H E NEWSPAPERS: That Taiwan painted itself
t simply secede from the mainland, but instead
e only legally constituted government of all China

POLI

and made everybody choose between it and its
course, if it had announced it was seceding, it co
Taiwanese that the occupation of their island w
you can't have everything.) For years, things we
endorsed its "we-are-China" stance, not only kee
serving its veto power in the Security Council. Tr
France {naturellement) recognized Mainland China
Taiwanese say—Taiwan. In 1971, after years of
sembly votes, Taiwan was ousted from the U N
visited Peking; and in 1978, Carter severed relatio
ized them with Peking, withdrawing U.S. forces
its embassy to an "unofficial" mission, staffed b
pointing out that the U.S. still wouldn't look f
invading the place. As to the really big question
Chinas will ever get together again: Keep in mind
alists and the Communists believe with all their
land are destined to be reunited one day, Taiwan
Peking comes to appreciate the virtues of making
ing prime-time soaps, too. Forget the so-called
which, in 1997, Britain will cede its crown colon
Commies; the last time Comrade Deng suggested
to become an autonomous region within his Ch
government, capitalist system, and even army,
things like "Once a jackal, always a jackal," then
crates of telephone equipment the old man had o

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING SOMEBO

harsher realities, namely, that Taiwan is, as nation
and a sitting duck. Instead, concentrate on the
Alger, electricity-comes-to-straw-hut side of the
with fellow "Gang of Four" countries South Kor
pore) has in the past decade overtaken even the
areas of trade and manufacturing. Provide assur
interest in and commitment to Taiwan, and wh
position to promise anything like the jet fighters
can point to the fact that military tensions in the
since the late Forties and to the unlikelihood of
when American banking and industry have so man
there. If all that doesn't do the trick, get the da
amphibious inadequacies and how obvious plans f
sea would be to everybody. If you must, remind h
in part to a program undertaken with fellow pariah

TICAL SCIENCE 375

s big, volatile neighbor. (Of
ouldn't have told the native
ould just be temporary, but
nt Taiwan's way: The West
eping it in the UN but pre­
rouble started in 1964 when
and "derecognized"—as the
f ever-narrower General As­

altogether; in 1972, Nixon
ons with Taipei and normal­
from the area and demoting
by retired diplomats, though
favorably on a third party's
n of whether or not the two
d that while both the Nation­
hearts that island and main­
thinks it'll happen only after
g transistor radios and watch­
d "Hong Kong model," by
ny (and profit center) to the
that, if Taiwan would agree
hina, it could keep its own

the Nationalists muttered
canceled delivery on several
ordered.

O D Y FROM TAIWAN: Avoid the
ns go, an orphan, an outcast,
e Confucius-meets-Horatio-
picture: how Taiwan (along
rea, Hong Kong, and Singa­
developed nations in whole
rances of ongoing American
hile you're obviously in no

they keep angling for, you
area are at their lowest ebb
America's deserting Taiwan
ny billions of dollars invested
ate laughing at Red China's
for an invasion of Taiwan by
him that his country, thanks
hs Israel and South Africa, is

376 AN I N C O M P L E T E

on the verge of nuclear capa
language barrier: The chance
to college in America, he'll b

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW TO

economic miracle, long befo
island, a beautiful island, c
called Taiwanese—and that,
Nationalists, they still const
Long-suffering (as well as sli
not only with the Nationalist
of Taiwanese were killed, b
and before that with t h e Spa
may, as a result, chafe sec
everyone (and see you as b
flaunt their present high sta
and mix you a Tom Collins.
insist on talking about how
mainland back.

T H E LAYOUT: East meets Wes
(where it goes under the n
borders Russia and Iran to th
that European mouthful, wh
the Turks used to police th
(originally Byzantium, then
Bosporus Strait, which, along
traffic from the Russian-own
sage long coveted by Russia,
without saying, as volatilely
is Greece, a thorn in Turkey
Anatolia was still Asia Minor
point fertile plains turn into
lated by such determinedly
Kurds.

T H E SYSTEM: In theory, a rep
Empire contracted itself into
ter, and parliament elected b

EDUCATION

ability. Oh, and don't worry too much about the
es are pretty good that, even if your date didn't go
b e able to talk as if he did.

M E E T YOUR DATE'S PARENTS: That long before the
ore Chiang Kai-shek and the KMT, there was an
called Taiwan, full of people, beautiful people,

despite the post-1949 influx of 2 million Chinese
titute over 80 percent of the island's population.
ightly lacking in imagination), they've had to deal
ts, in the course of whose arrival many thousands
b u t for fifty years before that with the Japanese,
anish, Dutch, and Portuguese. Taiwanese parents
retly at their enforced subservience to virtually
but the latest colonialist oppressor), even as they
andard of living and increased political visibility
. Nationalist parents serve martinis, and may still
w great things will be when they finally get that

TURKEY

st—or tries to. Most of Turkey's in Asia, of course
name of Anatolia, a big bulbous peninsula that
he east, Syria and Iraq to the south), but note, too,
hich mostly serves as a poignant reminder of how
he Balkans all the way up to Hungary. Istanbul

Constantinople) sits on the crack, the strategic
g with the Dardanelles Strait farther west, controls
ned Black Sea clear to the Mediterranean—a pas­
, itself bereft of a warm-weather port (and, it goes
Eurasian as Turkey). T h e other difficult neighbor
y's side since at least the Trojan War, back when
r. Inland you'll find Ankara, the capital, at which

heavy-duty mountains, many of which are popu­
non-Turkish groups as the Armenians and the

public ever since 1923, when a defeated Ottoman
o modern Turkey, with a president, prime minis­
by universal suffrage. Until 1947, though, Turkey

POLI

had only a single political party, and for at le
incumbent government tended to announce wh
actually bothering to count the votes. Then ther
past three decades, has engineered three milit
whole lot of martial law. Today, there's once a
though he did go to the trouble of getting hims
over his seven-year term, can dissolve parliame
legislation, convoke the cabinet, and clamp down
power players: the National Security Council (a
authority to tell the civilian cabinet exactly how
idea) and the prime minister (currently Turget Ôz
cled fellow, about whom more below).

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPAPER

opium, a non-European language, and falaka, the
prisoners on the soles of their feet) notwithstandi
thing it can think of to become a full-fledged
community, and that it feels pretty ripped up ab
Not out-and-out rejections, exactly: Turkey does
(and provides its second largest land army, after t
have its application for full membership in the
with a straight face. It's the little things: T h e way
Germany and Sweden and Switzerland are alwa
seams are crooked, for instance; or the fact that
sympathizing with Greece in the still-going-stron
recently being played out on the nearby island of C
in which the U.S., a few years back, demanded
under their poppies, a traditional cash crop. Of
actly wrong all those years to be looking askance
ism, political assassination, warring Moslem sec
ished apartment complexes were simply pieces
worrying about an ally chronically on the verge of
of Iran bit the dust, though, Turkey—about al
Russia and the Middle East—hasn't seemed qui
especially given all its military installations, supply
along Russia's sensitive southwestern border. A
over Turkey going the way of Iran: T h e experts
has no Shah figure to serve as a target for unified
half-century has played religion down to the e
among extremist groups; and (c) began to modern
less frantically) than Iran, resulting in a wider d
stabler middle class.

TICAL SCIENCE 377

east a decade after that the
o'd won at the polls before
re's the army, which, in the
tary coups and dispensed a
again a general in charge—
self elected president—who,
ent, call new elections, veto
n on the universities. Other
military body with statutory
little it thinks of their latest
zal, a short, pudgy, bespecta­

S: That exoticism (minarets,
e custom of beating political
ing, Turkey has done every­

member of the European
bout the ongoing rejections.
s belong to N A T O , after all
the U.S.), and can expect to

Common Market reviewed
y Turkish "guest workers" in
ays made to feel that their
t the West seems intent on
ng Greco-Turk rivalry (most
Cyprus); or the tone of voice
d that Turkish farmers plow
course, the West wasn't ex­
e at a neighbor where terror­
cts, and permanently unfin­

of the landscape, or to be
f bankruptcy. Since the Shah
ll that now stands between
ite such an embarrassment,
y depots, and listening posts
And don't agonize too much
will tell you that Turkey (a)
opposition; (b) over the past
extent that it's a force only
nize much earlier (and much
distribution of wealth and a

378 AN I N C O M P L E T E

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW IF Y

in the army. T h e military p
(and virtually a political party
life (many of whose other
machine guns in their brief
man to get ahead. So if y
about who his favorite gene
tary is to be seen as a prog
modernist, secular, pro-We
founder. (Even the most r
you-can-get-while-the-other-s
erals, fed up with a parliam
revive the stagnant econom
lence, simply acted—as th
your date isn't a soldier, bra
Turkey has stopped trying
started selling them to the
both Iraq and Iran, where
money and maybe even b
opposite of Kemalism, East
an inherently Islamic bias. T
highest-profile T u r k in fifty
a military commission. Thi
marriages, complete with d
routinely compete for most
isters and university professo

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO

rhapsodize about the old Ot
became "the sick man of Eu
Algeria to the Arabian penin
it at best. Besides, almost
Kemal, later known as Kem
the Empire's final dismemb
Germany in World War I, g
he'd rallied the army and p
Greece (who'd had the good
industries; changed the writ
broken the stranglehold of th
turban, and veil; given wom
come up with a last name (
on the other side of the Bos

EDUCATION

Y O U ' R E D A T I N G A T U R K : First of all, that he's probably
plays a unique role in Turkey: It's a political force
y), it's the single most cohesive element in Turkish

elements have been known to carry bombs and
fcases), and it's a time-honored way for a young
your date gets a little overheated when he talks
erals are, don't roll your eyes: T h e Turkish mili-
ressive force, the obvious heir to Kemalism—the
estern spin given the new nation by its soldier-
recent coup was no South American, take-what-
side-is-having-its-siesta affair. T h e Turkish gen-
ment unable to do so much as elect a president,
my, or combat the thirty-deaths-a-day street vio-
hey'd done so many times before.) If, however,
ace yourself for a discussion of economics, of how
g to sell things (including itself) to Europe and

Middle East, including Saudi Arabia, Syria, and
e, at least, it stands a chance of making some
ecoming a regional power. This, clearly, is the
tern- (as opposed to Western-) looking, and with
This date will be a fan of prime minister Ôzal, the

years, and angling for a cabinet post rather than
is date may also be female: Although arranged
owries, are still fairly routine in Turkey, women
job listings, including those for government min-
ors.

M E E T Y O U R D A T E ' S P A R E N T S : Don't force yourself to
ttoman Empire, which in its glory days (before it
urope") stretched from Budapest to Baghdad, from
nsula; the Turks are themselves ambivalent about

every vestige of it was obliterated by Mustafa
mal Ataturk (literally, "Father Turk"), who, after
berment following Turkey's ill-fated alliance with
got Westernization rolling. By his death in 1938,
prevented Turkey's asphyxiation at the hands of
d sense to side with the Allies); established state
tten form of Turkish from Arabic to Latin script;
he Moslem religion; abolished the wearing of fez,
men the right to vote; and insisted that everyone
(example: "Atatùrk"), just like the ones they had
sporus. As a result, Turkey has been that rarity, a

POLI

Westward-minded Moslem—although, and this i
tion. Oh, and steer clear of any discussion of Tu
Armenians in the northeast (whom it came down h
who are now paying it back by lobbing grenade
tourist offices) and the Kurds in the southeast (w
boring Iraq, Iran, and Russia, keep thinking that
is a perfectly reasonable idea).

WEST GERMA

THE LAYOUT: Even without East Germany, mana
million), more neighbors (nine), and a bigger g
billion) than any other European country except
Protestant up north, hilly and Catholic down
culminate in the Alps of Bavaria), West Germany—
cities, including dirndled Munich, bell-bottomed
furt, and mascaraed Diisseldorf, all of whom com
and/or industrial primacy. West Berlin (she's the
is an airplane ride away and is not the capital; tha
a mail-order catalog). This fact, coupled with a
Germany and Czechoslovakia, makes West Germ
and/or diplomatic blackmail and practice its ow
known locally as Ostpolitik (see below). For the r
near Holland, is the manufacturing heart of the co
through it, en route to the North Sea.

T H E S Y S T E M : Federal republic, made up of ten La
similar to those of American states (no accident, t
influence here) and a two-house legislature, the im
of which is the Bundestag. T h e r e ' s a president
chancellor (like Konrad Adenauer, Willy Bran
Schmidt and Kohl). As in so many European c
coalition—rather than the reversals of election—a
political power. Here the major players are the
Christian Democrats (currently in power) and the
Social Democrats, plus the liberal Free Democrats
with a history of manipulating both of the above
Socialists of Bavaria. Newer to the scene: the disen
-the-individual, anti-NATO, -nukes, and -econom
whom are just now turning forty.

TICAL SCIENCE 379

is important, not Arabic—na­
urkey's house minorities, the
hard on in the Twenties, and
es at Turkish diplomats and
who, like the Kurds in neigh­

having their very own nation

NY

ges to have more people (62
gross national product ($659
t the Soviet Union. Flat and
south (the latter tendencies
—like Italy—is crawling with
Hamburg, pinstriped Frank­
mpete for cultural, financial,
one in the leather miniskirt)
at's Bonn (in something from
a 600-mile border with East
many talk a lot about military
n intense brand of détente,
ecord, the Ruhr Valley, over
ountry; the Rhine flows right

ander (or states), with powers
this; the U.S. was the postwar
mportant—and elected—half
t, but the big deal is to be
ndt, and the two Helmuts,
countries, the vicissitudes of
are the basis for the shifts in
e conservative, pro-Western
e moderate, leftward-drifting
s (many fewer in number, but
e) and the far-right Christian
nchanted, pro-life, -trees, and
mic-growth "Greens," some of

38o AN I N C O M P L E T E

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW TO

mally, the Federal Republic
we've all been thinking of it
Allied occupation of half of
body's been lumping it toget
ing that the Germans want ro
Before that, the country ha
Western (all craft guilds and
and howling wolves). Grante
imitation of the American m
close collaboration with trad
commerce; and its integratio
which it became somebody y
abuts its severed eastern hal
Russia, and even Asia, and i
the way), economically and
Preserving the dialogue with
Poland and Afghanistan—goi
fact, those are the only foreig
capability, "blue-water" navy
conduct.) Then there's the m
lar: Germany worries that, w
deployed on its soil, Americ
what's left of Bremerhaven.
perceive Russia as T h e Ene
day's news; that polls show G
of all Common Marketers; t
"The Beginning of the End"
without tripping over a famil
West Germany, once Amer
querulous and shifty?

WHAT YOU NEED T O KNOW IF Y

and the Benetton sweatsuit.
lot like dating an American
most like dating is a yuppie
have been most like dating w
Greens were still young and
ous that no matter how vigor
range nuclear weapons on yo
So, brace yourself for bars a
(including one in West Ber

EDUCATION

O R E A D T H E N E W S P A P E R S : T h a t West Germany (for-
of Germany) turns out to be a lot less Western than
as. In fact, it's only since 1945 and the three-power

f a nation less than a hundred years old that any-
ther with its Atlantic-looking neighbors and assum-
oughly what the English, French, Dutch, etc., do.
ad been regarded as something "other," neither
d plashing fountains) nor Eastern (all onion domes
ed, West Germany has done itself proud with its
model in matters of government and industry; its
ditional enemy France in matters of culture and
on into the European Community, in the course of
you could once more invite to weddings. But it still
lf, and, through her, registers the pulse of Poland,
if it wants to practice Ostpolitik ("Osf = "east," by
psychologically, nobody should really be gaping:
h Russia is always—Poland and Afghanistan or no
ing to be a high priority among the Germans. (In
gn affairs the Germans, who lack France's nuclear
y, African and Mideast interests, and silver tongue,
matter of N A T O in general and the U.S. in particu-
what with all those medium-range "Euromissiles"
ca means to fight its battles in Bremerhaven—or

Anyway, given that younger Germans no longer
my; that the German economic miracle is yester-
Germans to be the most anxious and self-involved
that half of all German newspaper headlines read
; and that you can't roll home from the rathskeller
ly of Turkish guest workers—is it any wonder that
rica's European yes-man, now sometimes turns

YOU'RE DATING A WEST GERMAN: Pack the Reeboks
T u r n s out that dating a West German is an awful
, and that these days the kind of American it's
. (Five years ago, the kind of American it would
was a campus radical, but that was back when the
d vibrant and before it had become painfully obvi-
rously you protested the deployment of medium-
ur soil, it wasn't ultimately going to do any good.)
and discothèques with jacket-and-tie dress codes
rlin actually called Yuppies Inn), for fraternity

POLI

parties, for church on Sundays (expect your date
the choir sings Bach), for conversations about the
ual performance (local hero: Boris Becker, the ten
middle-class getting-and-spending thing you've b
On the other hand: Lower-middle-class types are
and blowing off steam, especially when they do
bearing factory they'd been counting on. But nei
much money to take you places and buy you thin
works your nerves.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MEET YOUR DATE'S

"ach"—no sense getting off on the wrong foot. Ba
cut out for you. It's not that your date's parents d
that there are so many potential conversational
Holocaust is only the most obvious. Also avoid t
which they'll know you know they know every
determined at all costs to prevent; an ##divided
later, evokes images, if not of goose-stepping
million efficient, obedient, indefatigable Germans
five A . M . , grabbing the old lunch bucket, and
munitions plant. You could talk culture: German w
that intellectual holy trinity, Marx, Freud, and
ignoring Kant and Hegel and Goethe and Nietzs
composers, but even that will backfire if someone
where all that culture ever got Germany. (It's all su
stuff, not a bit like the French and English lega
tisses and six-and-a-fraction precious volumes of Ja
us, try not to compare Germany to other countrie
cially don't compare her to France. While it's true
these days, too much talk of her more glamorous
many how (a) she doesn't have twelve centurie
identity and purpose to fall back on, and (b) nob
envy and appreciation when she took to the danc
mention the Weimar Republic, Germany's betw
racy; that was the period when a loaf of bread cost
as well as when Hitler managed to get himself na
century later, the allusion can still induce panic.

TICAL SCIENCE 381

to nudge you happily when
joys of high-profile individ­
nnis star), and for the whole
been saddled with yourself.
e still capable of getting mad
on't get that job in the ball­
ither are they going to have
ngs, and you know how that

S PARENTS: Oy. Make that
asically, you have your work
don't like Americans, it's just

land mines, of which the
the subject of "unification,"
government in the world is
d Germany still, forty years
brown-shirts, at least of 80
s kissing the frau goodbye at
heading for the job in the
was, after all, the language of

Einstein, nor is there any
sche, not to mention all the
e in the group wonders aloud
uch dark, heavy, unrelenting
acies, with their upbeat Ma-
ane Austen.) Which reminds
es in any respect, and espe­
e they're the best of friends
s neighbor may remind Ger­
es of consolidated national
body ever watched her with
ce floor. By all means, don't
ween-the-wars go at democ­
t a wheelbarrowful of marks,
med chancellor, and, half-a-

AN I N C O M P L E T E

Y

T H E LAYOUT: Thick forests,
Danube, as much a presenc
stunning coastline, and fair
quilt of eight nationalities
atheism), and two alphabets
of World War I in an effort
the one hand, and the ampu
ian and Ottoman Empires on
"Land of the South Slavs,"
Poland and Czechoslovakia

THE SYSTEM: A Communist s
Soviet satellite. Under Josip
ended in 1980, after thirty-fi
Russia, whirling itself out o
Communism, heavy on priv
ment." With Tito gone, a n
whether that man was benev
a nine-member "collective"
of the country's six constit
well as the head of the Leag
term in constant rotation am
Presidium and a two-house
a Yugoslav to know who th
though: Each has its own f
guage, and way of doing thi
the union at any time.

EDUCATION

YUGOSLAVIA

fertile plains, lush valleys (including that of the
ce here as in the rest of the Balkan Peninsula), a
rly respectable mountains. Alternatively, a crazy
s, five languages, three religions (not counting
s, hastily stitched together by the Allies at the end
to account for long-seething Slavic nationalism on
utated appendages of the defeated Austro-Hungar-
n the other. With a name that translates literally as
Yugoslavia serves as home to Slavic souls south of
and west of Russia and Bulgaria.

state, and an Eastern European one, yes, but not 2.
p Broz T i t o , its first and only president-for-life (his
ive years in office), Yugoslavia successfully defied
of the Soviet orbit and creating its own brand of
ate ownership of land and industrial "self-manage­
nation used to one-man rule (the jury's still out on
volent or brutal) is now run by committee. There's

presidency (which includes somebody from each
tuent republics and two dependent provinces, as
gue of Communists), with a one-year presidential
mong the nine, plus a twenty-three-member Party
legislature—making it almost impossible for even
he boss is. Pay attention to those six republics,
flag, foreign-affairs apparatus, banks, courts, lan­
ings, and each is theoretically free to secede from

POLI

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE NEWSPA

republics have a tendency to distrust one an
mildly. For the fact that Yugoslavia has held
again, Tito to thank: By raising the standard of li
name in lights both as a défier of Stalin and a
nations movement of the Sixties, he got a lot o
most effectively to hate their neighbor. Unfort
inflation, unemployment, and the fact that a rich
down its nose at a poor, benighted south (cf. It
are once more in full bloom. So's separatism: T
quiet now, but in the southern province of Kos
ethnic Albanians and a standard of living about o
things have been tense ever since 1981, when a
Pristina dumped the contents of his tray on the
chain of riots and rumors, the latter culminating
annex Kosovo, Bulgaria grab Macedonia, and the
with access to that all-weather port on the M
hankering after for centuries. On the other hand,
to disintegration, just inertia; the Russians are bu
and whose economy, besides Japan's and Switzer
lem anyway?

WHAT YOU N E E D T O KNOW IF YOU'RE DATING A YUGOS

a country no bigger than Wyoming, Yugoslavs c
T h e Slovenes, in the far north, are the hard-work
with the highest per capita income; chalk this up
of Austrian domination, and don't be surprised
derhosen and talking about the dangers inherent
of photography. T h e Croatians are almost as prod
Germanicized; also, they have all the prettiest s
towns of Dubrovnik and Split) and what passes fo
though: Lately a lot of young Croatians, frustrated
become super-Catholics. T h e Bosnians are land
bristle noticeably when you ask them to point out
their capital, where World War I began; also, they
ing the Islamic fundamentalists. T h e Serbs, in
supply, boast the national capital, Belgrade; also
tury days, when Slav nationalism was just gettin
small, independent kingdom of Serbia that provid
body else. As a result of all this, Serbs think of
soul of the Yugoslav enterprise and can get a littl
Montenegrins are mountain folk, make better sol

TICAL SCIENCE 383

P E R S : First off, that the six
other—and that's putting it
together at all there's, once
iving and putting Yugoslavia's
as a linchpin in the neutral-
of Yugoslavs' minds off how
unately, given foreign debt,
h, industrious north still looks
taly), intramural resentments
T h e Croatians are reasonably
sovo, with a concentration of
one eighth that of the north's,
a student at the University of
e cafeteria floor, setting off a
g in fears that Albania would
Russians eventually wind up
Mediterranean they've been
, the death of Tito hasn't led
usy in Africa and Afghanistan;
land's, isn't a perennial prob­

SLAV: That, while they live in
come in a variety of flavors.
king and liberal-minded ones,
p in part to their long history
if your date turns up in le-
in the political manipulation
ductive, and considerably less
seacoast (including the resort
or a sense of humor. Careful,
d with being Yugoslavs, have
dlocked, stubborn, and may
t the intersection in Sarajevo,
y're the ones who are becom­
n by far the most plentiful
o, in the old, nineteenth-cen­
ng off the ground, it was the
ded a rallying point for every­
themselves as the heart and
le big for their britches. T h e
ldiers than workers, and tend

384 AN I N C O M P L E T E

to be tall. T h e Macedonians
flinch at the peasant drag.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO

and the slivovitz fool you: T
the Austrian and Turkish l
War I, at which point the
Slovenes (note the billing) w
with him was the virtual civ
the Communist-fearing Cet
exiled King Peter II. (Silver
and not the Soviets, who li
which was all that kept it fro
vakia, etc.) Then there wa
sprees and summer cottages
ing liberals. Still, at least h
force on the one hand and sl
entire country could disapp
finger. Or as a joke recently
What do we do if the Russia
what do we do if they don't?

Dead-L

ACRONYMS—
FROM

Countries have always ba
that are usually less ide
until the League of Nations
body began to think member
and of itself. Now the wor
joiners, swingers, lodge brot
often as not, you can pay fo
the League, is the most com

EDUCATION

s get stuck with the "poets-at-heart" label; don't

M E E T Y O U R D A T E ' S P A R E N T S : D o n ' t let all the cafés
T h e s e folks know from suffering. First there were
andlords, in evidence through the end of World

short-lived Kingdom of the Serbs, Croats, and
was decreed. Then there was Hitler. Concomitant
vil war between Tito's Nazi-hating Partisans and
tniks, chauvinistic Serbian royalists loyal to the
r-lining department: At least it was the Partisans,
iberated the country at the end of World War II,
om going the way of Poland, Hungary, Czechoslo­
as Tito himself, who, while promoting shopping
, also had a history of jailing dissidents and purg­
e provided a center. Now, what with centrifugal
luggishness on the other, Yugoslavs worry that the
pear, without the Russians so much as lifting a

making the rounds of Belgrade has it: "Question:
ans attack? Answer: We fight back. Question: But
?"

Letter Department

—AND TO ACRIMONY—
HERE HONSHU

anded together in times of war, forming alliances
eological than they are expedient. But it wasn't

took shape, right after World War I, that every­
rship in some larger order might be a good idea in
ld is one big Club Méditerranée, a paradise for
thers, and nymphomaniacs (and a place where, as
or your drinks with beads). T h e UN, successor to
mprehensive world organization: Only Switzerland,

POLI

the two Koreas, Taiwan, a handful of European
South Pacific island nations don't belong. Beyond
economic unions, ethnic orders, industrial organiz
table societies. Here's a look at those among
occasionally trendy—tend to do business under th

NATO (NORTH ATLANT
ORGANIZATIO

Gidget takes the Grand Tour. Formed 1949, with
ade and the Communist world looking pretty m
nada, and ten European nations: Britain, France,
lands, Luxembourg, Norway, Denmark, Iceland,
was the West's bottom line in the old days, b
miracles and the Common Market, and while war
tial neighborhoods were still on everybody's min
providing for mutual assistance in the event any
attacked, N A T O was also a way of letting the w
fence you were on, even if your local Communi
take over and even if you didn't strike your neig
reliable at the time. Greece and Turkey joined in
world" 's southern flank; West Germany signed on
and suspicious, withdrew its military forces from
1966, though sticking by the alliance in spirit; s
moved from lovely Fontainebleau to prosaic Bru
lot of talk about "paralysis of will" and "failure
N A T O , as well as about whether (a) the U.S. wou
"to save Rotterdam" in the face of some Soviet d
move; and (b) Europe, and especially West G
medium-range missiles, the first capable of reach
rope itself, to be stationed on its soil. In the plus
to join up, the first new member since Cold War

Note: As for C E N T O (Central Treaty Organiz
east Asia Treaty Organization), forget about them
N A T O , and consisting of the U.S., Britain, Fra
willing to get behind the regional containment o
long been inactive and are now officially defu
SEATO as of 1977).

TICAL SCIENCE 385

mini-states, and another of
that teem military alliances,
zations, and social and chari­
them that—always modern,
heir initials alone.

IC TREATY
ON)

h Berlin under Soviet block­
monolithic, by the U.S., Ca­

Italy, Belgium, the Nether­
and Portugal. This grouping
before the age of economic
r and rubble-strewn residen­
nd. A military-defense treaty
member of the alliance was
world know what side of the
ist party was threatening to
ghbors as particularly tidy or
n 1952, vouchsafing the "free
n in 1955. France, ever testy
m joint military command in
still, headquarters had to be
ussels. Lately there's been a
of common outlook" within
uld really risk all its big cities
diplomatic-military blackmail
Germany, should allow U.S.
hing Soviet targets from Eu­
column: Spain just decided
days.

zation) and SEATO (South­
m. Created by analogy with
ance, and those Asian states
of the Soviet Union, they've
unct ( C E N T O as of 1979,