We regularly place more importance on what words are used rather than how others gestures in their
delivery, but this is a mistake. When we don’t have congruency and the verbal language doesn’t match
the nonverbal gestures we should always place more importance on the nonverbal channel. Credence
should almost always be given to nonverbal language over spoken words since the research tells us that
it is often more accurate. When people plan lies they often rehearse the sentences and in what sequence
they will deliver them, but they often ignore or disregard gestures that will accompany them. While we
monitor our spoken words, our unconsciousness can leak unwanted information through our bodies.
However, even if people were consciously aware that their body language gave them away, they would
not know what to do since most people are completely unaware of the meaning their body conveys.
Politicians can leak information through congruency and this can give them away, although most
politicians today are quite learned in body language. We should be suspicious of politicians, however,
when they have their arms tightly folded against their chest while saying that they are open to change
or to a door-to-door salesman that swears his life on a product but wipes downward with his hand as if
to clear the lie. Another example is the cheating husband who tries to pass off a late meeting and then
pulls at his neck tie, collar or scratch his neck indicating stress.
Sometimes however, knowledge about body language just comes off as less expressiveness. The body
language thus tends to be much more controlled and subdued because it’s much easier to eliminate
body language altogether then it is to add honest body language. However, even reduced
expressiveness helps us read people because a relaxed and natural politician is more likely to be telling
the truth. Therefore, even reserved body language can be a ‘tell’ to those who are in tune. Congruency
therefore, is very important because it is a clear comparison between two communication channels, the
verbal and nonverbal. When words are mismatched against the body language, we can be sure
something dishonest is at play and these hints should instigate us, at minimum, to pay closer attention.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Context
Touching the nose is associated with lying, but maybe she’s got a runny nose.
Context is another important factor to consider while reading people. We often hear about verbal
statements that are taken out of context and in this same way, we can take nonverbal language out of
context as well. “That guy was obviously lying, he was scratching his face and neck and could barely
sit still” might be accurate when being grilled by a panel of the media over missing fund money, but in
the context of being attacked by a swarm of killer bees, not accurate at all!
Concluding that someone is cold hearted from a single meeting is another case of ignoring context. We
often think people are shy after a first meeting, but are surprised that over time they open up and are
actually quite expressive and talkative. However, what we fail to realized at the time might be that
during an initial meeting, our subject of interest hadn’t been acquainted with any of the other twenty
people in the group and as a natural consequence we acting as any normal person would. Temperature
can also play havoc on cues of openness. Someone who crosses their arms tightly and crunches up
could be defined as closed or aloof, but they also might be cold. Conversely, removing a jacket could
mean that a person is warming up to others but could also mean that they are overheating.
Single events taken as all encompassing can set us up for problems in the future. A brief meeting in one
location, with one set of people, centered on one task can not define any person. Single meetings only
show how a person reacts on that day, based on whatever happened before then to set their mood and
with whomever happens to be there. People are very complex, and so we must give them plenty of
opportunity to display their true selves before drawing solid conclusions. This does not mean that what
we gather on each occasion is useless, but rather that it needs to be compared across many situations
before it can be used accurately. Until similar patterns develop across many different situations, take
isolated incidents for what they really are. Predictive power happens through repeating patterns across
many events and in many contexts.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Baselining
Does he always sit on his hands or is he hiding something?
Baselining is probably one of the most important and often overlooked aspects of reading body
language. It refers to the “normal” motions that populate the repertoire of each and every person on the
planet. Normal here is the operative word. We can’t even begin to read someone until we first have
their baseline pegged. For example, to read someone that is normally flighty and constantly moving, as
agitated is wrong since they are merely acting out their particular “idiosyncratic nonverbal behaviour.”
That is, the body language that is particular to specific people and that makes up their repertoire, or
basket of cues considered normal for them. This person might be flighty or high strung by nature but
they certainly can’t be constantly agitated by nature as our nervous systems can’t tolerate perpetual
stress. A person high strung by nature who seemingly freezes instantly is telling us based on their
baseline that something is up. Baselining tells us that a condition in their environment has changed and
it has affected them. It now becomes our job to detect the cause for the change.
Baselining involves learning about how a person usually sits, how they use their hands to gesture,
where they place their hands while at rest and relaxed or when nervous, how they place their feet when
standing, their overall posture, how they prefer to cross their legs such as whether they cross them
equally left over right as right over left, and so on. The list to baselining is utterly endless as are the
myriad of cues that can be emitted from the human body, fraught with or, absent of, meaning.
By establishing a baseline it will be possible to catch sudden changes in body language. This is the
ultimate purpose to establishing a person’s baseline. Without catching the changes, body language loses
its ability to indicate exactly what is going on. For example, a younger brother that is acting exuberant
and ecstatic who is jumping around with joy and happiness, who, at a moments notice, finds himself in
the presence of an older brother only to suddenly cease his joyful movements, turtles his head into his
shoulders, and becomes quiet, says a lot about what kind of relationship they have been having lately.
Body language is directly linked to emotions, and so when it changes, we know that something has
cause the change, and more often than not, it will be precisely the event that preceded it.
These changes aren’t just limited to events either, they can also be tied to words spoken, or even topics.
A married couple might be carrying on amicably, but when there is mention of an ex-girlfriend, even
casually, the wife might begin to display dominant and closed body language such as crossing arms,
wagging fingers, or scolding eyes. She is indicating that this women or topic is a particular sore spot
between them and the sudden change in mood, from good to bad, tells us that it is the topic that is the
issue. Criminal investigators will frequently steer suspects off-topic (and seemingly off the record) by
talking about favourite pass-times or hobbies by example. This serves the investigator by producing
relaxed body language. Once a baseline is established interrogators begin to introduce facts
surrounding the investigation to measure their effects. They might begin with items not even connected
to the trial and then suddenly introduce a murder weapon, for example, to see if nervous body language
appears. During criminal investigations the murder weapon can be kept a secret from the public
especially early on, so only the real criminal would exhibit a visceral response to viewing it. While
these sorts of interrogations won’t directly lead to a conviction, it does provide clues for further
exploration. Like all body language, clues tell us if we are on the right track or if we’ve eliminated
leads, at least for the time being.
Those who don’t know about baselining will find it difficult to read other people who lack similar
affect to themselves since their only reference of normal is what they do or what the average person
they associate with do (which more often then not is very similar to themselves anyway since we tend
to hang out with those of like mind). People that don’t baseline won’t see people for their individual
characteristics, idiosyncrasies, culture and habits. As we work through life we should have our family,
friends, coworkers, bosses, instructors, or anyone else we interact with regularly pegged for their
baseline. This will not only make reading them easier, it will also give us “archetypes” that can be cross
referenced as comparisons. This in turn, gives us a better chance at evaluating others, even strangers,
on the spot, and in real time.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
A Caution About Biases During The Baselining
Process
Self hugging can mean that he’s shy or just a place to put his hands.
We also have inherent biases which we must be careful of when try to read other people. Our dislike of
certain people could influence us to read their language in a less then favourable light. Knowing that
this bias is an inherent possibility, can at least protect us in terms of accuracy, and set up conditions that
avoid possibly destructive fallout. This is only one factor to be careful of while reading people as it
relates to baselining. Reading lying body language, by example, is very difficult and not having
anything to compare it to essentially makes it impossible.
Poker is an excellent game that hones our nonverbal analysis of people, and the best modern day poker
players will, with the advent and popularity of televised poker, review thousands of hours of video on
their opponents. While some of the time they are watching to pick up on specific “tells” they are also
developing their baseline. By doing so, even prior to meeting them they can have some players pegged.
They can then use their baseline to determine actions, especially novel ones, that are out of the
ordinary. If you’ve ever walked into a new poker group, you understand exactly what I mean. You
might know some of the people, but usually there are others that you haven’t yet met add to this a novel
context and you’ve got your work cut out for you. Since you don’t know the other player’s baselines
you naturally end up being cautious and if you know poker cautious being “tight” can be just as bad as
being “loose”. Over time you build their character and they start to “make sense”. In everyday life we
call this process “getting to know someone” but in the body language world, we are formulating their
baseline. Baselining is really about having the ability to compare someone to themselves.
The ‘nose crinkle’ can mean a negative thought as in getting a bad card in a game of poker. I’ve,
however, seen this gesture feigned (and yes I lost the hand over this well executed bluff).
Let’s look at arm crossing or even touching the nose. Everyone thinks that arm crossing means that
someone is closed and unreceptive. This might be true for some people some of the time, but to others,
it means that they are comfortable. If I were to cross my arms, just now, would it mean I was closed?
No, it wouldn’t, it simply means that my arms are crossed. The same goes for nose touching as an
indication of lying or deception. Some people touch their nose at the end of every sentence – it’s their
idiosyncrasy. Does this mean that every word that comes from their mouth is a lie? It could be, but it is
not likely. Once we’ve caught someone in a lie we can backtrack and look at the clues that preceded the
lie and those that followed the lie to pick up on cues that might have given him away. Poker players do
just this, although for them it’s simpler since there really are only two possible scenarios, he is bluffing,
or he really has a strong hand. Video even provides professional poker players with one hundred
percent of the information at hand, there are no secrets and so baselining can happen very quickly. In
real life, things are not as obvious and there is a lot of gray in between the truth and a lie so it takes a
lot more effort do develop baselines, however with practice even novel situations with unknown people
will begin to appear similar to other past experiences and people. So baselining provides us with
information that we can use in the future when lying or any other emotional behaviour is suspected,
where we can draw from our database of “tells” and make educated guesses about the truthfulness, or
emotional state of our subject or subjects.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Baselining Versus Innate Actions
A ‘true smile,’ where the corners of they eyes crease, is difficult to fake
There are some key body language gestures which are mentioned throughout the book that don’t need
to be compare to a baseline as they tend to be innate and not learned. These gestures will give us clues
as to whether actions are currently on their natural baseline or are as a result of some other underlying
stress. Some things to consider when formulating a baseline includes a catalog of how often a person
gestures and which direction their eyes stare when they are thinking and analyzing (can be an indicator
of creative thought or recalling as we shall cover in a later chapter), how do they act when they are
successful and what do they do when they are stressed? It is difficult and probably unnecessary for me
to offer help in establishing baseline techniques since it’s a natural process that we all do daily.
However, the take home message has more to do with protecting ourselves from thinking that all
gestures in body language are universal and ubiquitous across all people. This book will help determine
cues that fall in and around the baselines of the people around you and provided educated guesses as to
their meaning, but this is not to say that each cue means the same thing for everyone.
A final word on proper establishment of baselines is to place most emphasis of a person when they are
relaxed or when they are in a normal mood and state. Don’t baseline someone when they are getting
ready to go on stage to speak in public or if they are going through a divorce, or have had a recent
death in the family. Their body language will be misleading and uncharacteristic. Definitely take
culture and intuition into your baseline, but avoid things like projecting and making assumptions.
Assumptions clog our ability to see what is really happening because we are putting our thoughts and
feelings which we have inside ourselves on someone else. Our life history and experiences do play
some purpose when we read people, but they can’t be the dominant force, so don’t let your biases
control how you read people. Keep in mind too that almost every other person will look at body
language naively. They will think that “A” means “B”, when in fact it might mean “C”, “D” or nothing
at all. As an aside, you might want to be careful about using body language to influence others, since
your signals might be misread or simply go unnoticed altogether.
So the message here is, just because so and so does this or that, it doesn’t mean one hundred percent
this or that! Compare apples to apples and oranges to oranges and him or her to his or her baseline!
This will produce a much more accurate read.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Intuition Versus Perception In Body Language:
Seeing What We Want To See
Research by Harvard Robert Rosenthal conducted in the 1960s showed how people see what they want
to see, instead of what’s really happening. In his study, he had set up two groups of students with a
maze constructed for their subjects – rats. One group of students were told that their rats where “dumb”
and the other group was told that their rates were “smart”, specifically bred to run mazes better then the
other rats. While both sets of rats performed equally as well, the students with the preconceived notion
that their rats where dumb catalogued behaviours supporting their initial impressions. The students with
the “dumb” rats found that there where lethargic and dull. The rats of the group who thought they had
smart rats documented how bright, alert and efficient the rats where as they made their way through the
maze. Clearly from this study, our preconceived notions are potent and misleading. The same pitfalls
can arise during the analysis of body language. If we truly wish to see nervous, emotional or confident
body language, we will. But if we open our minds, we might see something completely different from
what we initially expected to see.
Can this shyster ever be trusted?
Intuition includes the processing of information that we’ve obtained by observing people. When
someone says they have a “bad” feeling about someone or they feel “uneasy” or the salesman was
“slimy” they are using their intuition. Sometimes though, our intuition becomes clouded by
preconceived notions and new information is tainted or distorted. This is when reading people can
backfire to hurt us and others. When reading people it is important to clean the slate continuously and
read each cue separately. While the rule of fours says we need to add cues together to discover the true
meaning, using proper intuition without distortion, means we need to read each cue on their own. It
means we need to avoid looking for hints we can use to support our conclusion, they are either there or
aren’t there. In fact, the conclusion needs not play into the equation at all when reading but rather be a
formulated after we have analyzed all the available information.
Many optical illusions or visual tricks rely on the fact that our brains are constructed to find
information we think should be there, rather than looking at information that is actually there.
It’s easy to silence our intuition and ignore it since that little voice inside our heads is always trying to
speak out and it’s only right some of the time. Let’s take poker again as an example. We found that
baselining an individual can help in many ways most notably to help us reference behaviour, however,
it would be disastrous to continue to call or raise someone who normally bluffs just because we have a
strong hand, say a full house. In this situation, we are ignoring the current behaviour of the individual
in favour of preconceived notions about them. As the hand plays out, we find that this bluffer continues
to call even on our strongest bets, we find that sometimes they even raise or re-raise pushing the stakes
even higher. Naturally, they’ve caught a rare hand, four of a kind, and easily crushing our full house.
We’ve missed all the signals. The clues given all along were consistent with a strong position but we
failed to read it correctly because we ignored all the rules. The information coming told use to read his
moves at face value instead of modifying it to suite our needs, but at every step we ignored this. Our
filters are important in simplifying information since it’s impossible to analyze everything going on
around us, but we shouldn’t throw aside good information.
Having a good intuition is often not enough though. A “funny feeling” or “having a sense” or being
“uneasy” about someone or something has merit, but if you can’t support your intuition with support
such as postures and signals or in the case of poker “tells”, then we can’t graduate into a full reader of
body language.
When we describe our intuition to others, we also need the proper vocabulary to convey our feelings to
them. But this isn’t the only time we need to use the proper language of nonverbal reading, in fact, we
need to train the little voice inside our head to also talk us through as we read others. When I watch
someone, I can say unequivocally, that I think they are a timid, or confident or lack confidence and use
specific examples. By the end of this book and with a little bit of practice, you will be able to do the
same. As you learn, don’t be afraid to review the information in your head. Every mind is built
differently, and I have a gift (when I’m actively listening) to remember verbal dialogue that has
transpired years previous whilst recalling specific sentences used, the context and the location.
Unfortunately for others, and sometimes fortunately for me, this has made me a very powerful debater.
I can remain one hundred percent consistent in my position and use inconsistencies across the short or
long term, to point out errors in reasoning of others. I can also cite specific instances that lead me to
modified my position on things which can later help should I change my defense. Your mind might
have more visual strengths, or analytical skills, or something else to help you dissect the cues of others.
The point here is to use your strength in reading people rather then to focus on your weaknesses.
Regardless however, do be aware of your flaws as it will make you a stronger reader overall.
She really liked me, she was really showing skin…or is she just sweating to death? It’s the sender that
determines the intent of the message, not the body language reader.
Here are some final tips for reading via intuition. When in doubt, trust your gut as usually, but not
always, it’s right and can be your saviour when we can’t pinpoint specific cues. Switch your mind back
on and be more than just a casual observer of your environment. In the Sherlock Holmes book, A
Scandal in Bohemia, Holmes tells Watson that he knows there are seventeen steps leading up to Baker
Street. Watson was impressed by his observations, but it didn’t happen through magic, it was not more
than simple observation. While Watson had merely seen the steps, Holmes had actively observed them.
In a study by Simons and Chabris in 1999 out of Harvard University, Cambridge it was shown just how
poor people are as observers of their surroundings. In the study a man walked in front of a group of
students dressed in a gorilla suit while other activities took place around them. Half of the students
hadn’t even noticed the “gorilla in their midst” which aptly formed part of the title to the study! It just
goes to show that passive watching and active observing are two very different things, and this is what
will separate average body language readers that cover the material like anyone else, even recall it, but
two weeks later, become half as effective or worse, from those who build on their skills daily on their
way to mastery. Active observation is a key ingredient to reading people and it can’t be done walking
around blindfolded, however, even with a keen eye there will still be signals that go unnoticed as body
language is fluid, ever changing and sometimes never repeating, meaning you only get one shot to
catch a signal before it’s gone forever. Life is rich in detail and complex, we’d be fools to think we
could read everything, but even with minimal effort, we can still impress others, and even ourselves,
with how much can be read.
Remember too that it is always your job to determine the true intent of the sender, whatever cues they
give off. Once you’ve caught cues that you think matter, remember that it is the sender of the message
that determines it’s meaning, not the receiver.
This all sounds like a lot of work, but don’t worry, with practice your mind essential shifts back into
autopilot and the process happens naturally. With time and practice, your subconscious will pick up and
interpret skills all by itself without requiring active thought.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
The Feet Are Honest
Feet aimed toward another person says “I’m interested in YOU.”
It has been said that the feet are the most honest part of the body as it applies to the language they emit.
Millions of years ago, we gave up quadrupedalism to walk upright leaving our feet to the dirt. While
our hands busied themselves with other complex tasks like fire building, making clothing and shelters,
throwing spears our legs were relegated to more primitive activities like locomotion. The hands,
because of their opposable thumbs are more useful to complex tasks putting the thinking neocortex in
charge. This in turn hampers honest language because the thinking mind can, within reason, eliminate
the type of body language it desires.
These feet want to escape and so are turned toward the escape route.
The feet on the other hand, carried out more traditional tasks like escaping predators, avoiding hot sand
or coals from the fire, leaping from slithering snakes or poisonous spiders, or navigating rough rocking
river bottoms. The feet were therefore connected more to the reptilian brain which reacts to stimuli
directly instead of contemplating higher order tasks that require planning. When we’re frightened it
doesn’t take much to put our feet in gear by getting them tucked under our legs and coiled up, or
freezing instantly or get pulled up onto a chair when startled by a mouse that catches our eye
scampering across the shadows of a room. Our feet carry the flight or fight reaction to the letter,
although they tend to first freeze, then take flight through distancing them from negative stimuli, and if
neither is possible will begin to kick or fight. None of these tasks require high order thinking, they are
based on reaction and are immediate.
The same sorts of positive reactions can be read in the feet. For example, we know that children are
interested in play rather then eating when their legs bounce at the dinner table quickly trying to eat their
food so they don’t miss the next inning in street ball. Even if they don’t fidget the feet will still point, or
inch toward to door in effort to prepare for escape. Even the feet of adults reveal true emotions by
pointing away from boring conversations or toward a lover. Adults can also be seen “Jumping for joy”,
even if rarely such as when they are surprised by winnings at the casino slots, or are when met with a
grandson at the airport. People of all ages can seem to float on their feet showing joy, which is an
important “gravity defying” body language showing that they are excited. Young babies and toddlers,
when held by a parent who’s been absent for a short while, will kick up and down and the entire body
will jump with joy despite being confined in an embrace. None of a child’s body is as exuberant as their
legs and feet!
It is not all that surprising that our feet go unnoticed. Our faces are complicated and at times
expressive, even though we quickly learn to hide our emotions so as to deceive others. We learn early
enough that when cameras are shoved in our faces, to smile, even though we have nothing to smile
about or to “turn that frown upside down” when we are in a bad mood. Naturally we get good at
feigning emotions with our “poker faces.” Yet throughout the years, our feet pass under the radar,
tucked under tables, hidden under clothing and shoes to do menial tasks like bring us from point A to
point B and back again. Our feet and legs can display boredom through repetitive motions, joy by
lifting the body up and down, fear by being tucked under a chair, depression by laying lazily or
motionless and sensuality by being uncovered and flaunted. The list goes on.
As you read this book pay particular attention to foot and leg language which is peppered throughout,
as these will be cues that indicate true hidden meaning and emotions that is much more reliable than
other body language cues.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Negative Body Language Is Usually More
Honest
It looks like the conversation is going well, but she is gripping her arms showing negative thoughts.
When reading people we often get mixed messages. People’s faces appear genuine and honest, they
show concern, fear, disgust, or happiness but their bodies sometimes show something else altogether.
So how should we handle detecting different messages emanating from various parts of the body at the
same time? Because people often “put on a mask” as they walk through life, and because we spend so
much time focusing on the face, we learn early on to control our facial expressions. This makes the face
a particularly bad place to rely on when really trying to weed through mixed signals. What if the
“honest feet” as just discussed, conflict with messages delivered by the arms, hands and legs? Should
we just rely on the feet and concentrate on nothing else, or is there some rhyme to the reason? In actual
fact there is a class of body language that is much more reliable than another, and it has to do with the
intended meaning of the message rather than specific cues or body parts. Given the choice between
“positive” and “negative” messages, we should always rely on the negative nonverbal body language
first. This is true irrespective of where it is found, be it in the face, arms, hands, legs, feet, torso or
whatever.
It is negative body language that tells us a person’s true thoughts because society requires people to act
positively even when things aren’t going well. We are told throughout our life to “Turn that frown
upside down”, “Wipe that look off our faces” and “Smile for the camera” even when positive thoughts
are the furthest from our mind. Eventually, we get very good at masking negative emotions especially
in our faces, yet deep down the subconscious mind leaks other negative body language from various
parts of our body. Negative body language happens precisely because we don’t want it to happen; we
don’t want people to know we are upset, scared, bored, timid or in disagreement. These negative
feelings can be damaging to ourselves or to others around us so we generally mask them to keep them
to ourselves. In the long run, positive body language is desirable so it is quickly learned, and then
brushed over the canvas of our faces, while the underlying negativity just barely shows through. We
mask negative body language so we don’t appear rude or insensitive or even frail, scared or at a
disadvantage.
Does he really want to leave? In most cases negative body language is truthful, but he’s playing a game
– hard-to-get!
You can imagine that someone who is bored with us will still smile and nod during our conversation,
yet their body will orient toward the doorway while making covert looks to their wrist watch.
Obviously, it is the negative language that is telling us that they are bored and we should ignore the
facial cover-up that is going on. Likewise, happiness cues mixed with cues of anxiety such as gripping
the arms or hands tightly indicates that a person is probably more unhappy and stressed rather than the
reverse. What do we make of a person who enthusiastically leans forward putting out his hand to shake,
then clenches his jaw tightly while saying how nice it is to finally be united once again? Chances are
pretty good that your long lost friend has some negative issues with you and that he’s not so happy to
be in your presence. Along with negative nonverbal body language as true honest indicators of feelings,
recall initial reactions, over reactions that follow, as more genuine. Honest gestures happen quickly,
sometimes even so fast that they are barely observable with the naked eye, but it is these flashes, or
“microexpressions”, that mean something predictive, much more so than more obvious gestures that
happen later on, or those that linger for some time. A small twitch of the muscles between the eyes, the
“fear muscle” forces the eyebrows together to make a grin-like gesture that reveals a true sentiment.
This expression happens so fast, it is impossible to stifle. When we get a sense of someone whom we
find isn’t “just right” and fail to trust them, it is these expressions that happen very fast that we are
sensing.
Only keen observation of the whole body, with emphasis on facial expressions will catch this type of
honest expression. Thus, the rule of thumb is to discount positive body language when it accompanies
negative body language, and be sure to catch negative body language especially if it happens first or
flashes quickly. Quick body language happens by accident, but body language that lingers happens
because people want us to see it!
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Silent Speech Has Flow
How is the flow of your body language?
Body language is like verbal and written language; it has structure. Body language flows, it has its own
rhythm, vocabulary, grammar and punctuation. Some gesture are single letters which join with others to
form words right on up to formulate full sentences and phrases until we finally reach full ideas and
meaning. Part of the way things come together is connected to congruence, meaning that the overall
body of language comes together seamlessly. Just like someone might have poor written grammar,
some people have poor nonverbal language, sometimes even dramatically so leading to even more
drastic consequences.
We are all born understanding the basics of body language and have the minds to master it, but none of
us are born ready emitting perfect body language. Instead we learn body language like we learn to
speak, by observation and practice. ‘Naturals’, as it were, may only exist because instead of ignoring
body language like most people do, they bring it to consciousness early on and follow successful
example around them. Their minds are subconsciously prepared to imitate good postures and appear in
control and confident. As we will see, good body language isn’t something you are either born with, or
must be without forever. It can be learned.
I recall a time when my wife and I were visiting a fellow who was giving away a second hand washing
machine which would I would use for a rental apartment. His body language made him appear inept
and he came across as awkward. He’d cross his arms when I was talking and when I’d make a point, he
would do his best to contradict me. He’d lean in too close and his body odor was overpowering. This
person had no reason to be dishonest, he explained that he needed the space in his house for another
project. We took the machine because at the time we needed it, however since he gave us such a
negative impression we still don’t know, to this day, if the machine works or not. I’ve never hooked it
up or used it! My wife and I got a terrible impression of the guy and the feeling attached itself to
everything about him including his free washer. It didn’t affect us while we were there, but as soon as
we left, we were able to verbalize reasons for storing, instead of using the machine. We simply didn’t
trust that the machine would work properly despite his verbal assurances, and instead of taking the
energy to move it into the basement to test it, we stored it in the garage and purchased a new set. His
body language told us that something must be wrong with the washing machine, that perhaps it ruined
clothing or leaked and he just wanted some sucker to help him dispose of the machine. Other people
who aren’t studied in body language but finding themselves in a similar situation would have
concluded that their ‘gut feeling’ was off. Since I could read his cues, it was obvious to me why I didn’t
trust him, but I did have to explain to my wife why she felt so uneasy.
This story illustrates the point about the strength of nonverbal body language and how salient and
important it is. Even though the result was at no cost to him (and little cost to me), if he had been a
commissioned salesman, or salesman of any sort, he would have lost the deal with certainty.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Verbal Language Is Confusing, Body Language
Sorts Things Out
Body language makes the intent of a message much more clear. This ‘spear thrower’ isn’t interested in
listening to your viewpoint.
What proportion of communication is affected by the actual words versus how the words are used and
the body language that it accompanies it? I don’t know of any real metric by which to calculate this, so
it’s really anyone’s guess. Suffice it to say that the vast majority of communication and meaning has
nothing at all to do with words. Body language in this case gets lumped in together with other signals
such as tone, pitch and word emphasis whilst we subtract the actual words and their meaning. Take the
phrase “Would you prefer to lie?” as an example. If I were to emphasize the word “would” it puts the
emphasis on “you”, but if I put the emphasis on “lie” it puts emphasis on the action. Confusing things
further and not privy to the spelling of “lie”, one wouldn’t know if I was speaking about telling the
truth or “lying”, or taking a nap or “laying”. Emphasis is used to add meaning and emotion to our
speech by stressing specific words and can completely change the meaning of the sentence. This can
also be done by using a higher tone, using longer stressed syllables, or increasing the volume as we
speak certain words. Even in the cases above I have used a nonverbal method to emphasis words by
using the italics function, a feature of this writing program that arose out of necessity.
Going back to our previous example, we also have homonym’s which are words that share the same
spelling and same pronunciation but have different meanings. An example includes the word “bow”
which can mean to bend forward, the front of a ship, a weapon which fires an arrow, a ribbon tied in a
knot (a bow tie) or to bend outward to the sides (bow-legged). Polysemes are words or phrases with
multiple related meanings. For example “bank” can describe a financial institution that handles money
or it can be used to describe trust as in “We’re friends, you can bank on me.” Antagonym’s are forms of
slang that actually mean their opposite. Examples of antagonyms include “bound” for a direction or
heading, or tied up and unable to move, cleave can be to cut apart or seal together, buckle can mean to
hold together or to collapse, clip means to attach or cut off, and so on. Other time we use words to
mean the opposites. “That skateboard trick was sick” comes across in slang as meaning that it was
actually a pretty good trick.
While the myriad of definitions stemming from word-use might confuse you, don’t let it bother you too
much because this is the only time it actually matters. In fact, body language is the likely reason our
vocabulary is permitted to be so confusing and most of us have at least a rudimentary understanding
about how our bodies and verbal language coincide to produce meaning anyway. The point of raising
the dysfunction that peppers verbal language is precisely because confusing word meaning plays such a
minor role in our lives. When we just don’t get it, in comes body language to sort things out and bring
everyone back on to the same page.
What we are looking to accomplish in this book is a higher order reading of nonverbal language to
graduate from simple word meaning to get at the hidden ‘script’ that unfolds ‘between the lines’, so to
speak!
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
The Evolutionary Differences Between Men And
Women
We rarely catch women checking men out because they can always see the ‘whole picture’ unlike men
and their predatory hunter eyes.
Eyeball assault! Predator alert!
The hunter gatherer theory of human sex differences describes that men have evolved to be hunters
whereas women have evolved to be gatherers. By this theory, the brains of men and the brains of
women have been created under different selection pressures. The female mind was focused on
language and communication especially between other females (gossip) and on searching out multiple
food items, such as berries, vegetables and nuts. Men where more focused on tracking down prey, a
single item, and used far less dialogue since talking too much might upset the animals they were
pursuit. Once a successful plan was hatched amongst a group a men, spoken words were no longer
necessary. Women, on the other hand, had to keep each other abreast of which fruits were in season and
their location. The research supports this as women use landmarks and memorize routes to connect
familiar places to navigate, even in cities, whereas men use more spatial factors such as direction of
travel and the patterns of the roads themselves. Presumably it would be easier to describe to someone
else how to go about finding berries in the wilderness through landmarks over a sense of the hills and
terrain. For women, the food they gather doesn’t move, but men needed to be move about and orient an
environment that was always changing based on the prey they were hunting and the season. Landmarks
while hunting become useless when in new areas.
Men also tend to score higher on three-dimensional tasks such as moving an object in their minds to
match similar items, a task called “mental rotation”. This spatial skill is attributed to throwing accuracy
as one might use to fall moving prey. In tests, women perform better on language oriented tasks such as
verbal memory and verbal recognition of sounds. Gossip amongst women around camp would have
played a key role to protect unity, maintain peace and uncover dissenters. Women have also been
shown to be more proficient at using both hemispheres of their brains since their left and right sides are
better connected. Women can therefore use their minds more fully and draw from many centers of their
brain.
The ability to use both hemispheres makes it much easier for women to work out complex relationships
between people and their environment simultaneously. It fascinates me to listen to my wife click away
at a game of solitary on her computer while she talks with her mom on the phone. Without pause the
dialogue continues, whereas when I speak to my brother on the phone, and he’s watching television, the
line practically goes dead! Body language requires a lot of focus and attention and women have much
more mind to draw on to analyze it. Women seem therefore more naturally attuned to reading body
language subconsciously, but that doesn’t mean it can’t easily be learned as is the case with my wife
and I. By far, I am more aware of body language, due in large part to the amount of research I have
done. My experience makes up for what I lack in brain power!
Women have a much wider visual field then men. That is, they can see further out on the periphery
while still fixated on a central point. This is why women are so much better at finding things in the
cupboard or in a drawer. Men’s eyes have pin point or tunnel vision and must look from one object to
another eliminating them in sequence just to find what they need whereas women can see the whole
picture all at once and identify the object needed. This partially explains why men find it so frustrating
to have their things moved about the house when women tidy up. Men simply can not find them if they
are relocated, but it’s not as if we don’t appreciate the effort! Conversely, women have difficulty
pointing out and following moving objects such as animal in the woods or baseballs. With training
however, both can become better at each task, the point is that men and women are inherently different,
acknowledging our deficiencies just makes us each easier to live with! Having a better peripheral
vision also explains why women don’t ever seem to stare at the men’s “junk” whereas men drop their
gaze routinely to check women out. Women do check out other men, they just don’t get caught!
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Are Men Bad Readers Of Body Language?
Many beliefs exist about the sexes. Men are thought to be task and goal oriented, more aggressive,
dominant and loud when they communicate. Women are thought to be emotional, gentle and sensitive.
Women are also thought to talk more and also to be more aware of others’ feelings. But how much of
these beliefs are accurate is up for debate. When we talk about reading people and intuition, we are
really talking about someone’s ability to read someone’s body language. It can also be called audience
awareness or perceptivity and can relate to a speaker or listener.
The research shows us that some of preconceptions are in fact correct but this dismisses a huge
variable. That variable is our massive ability to learn. Men reading this book will have a vastly superior
ability to read others when compared to women who have no schooling whatsoever in body language.
Research has shown that men lack empathy for others and disregard other’s emotions. Is this a simple
case of being lazy or are there real notable differences? A second research experiment found that
homosexual men and male nurses were also more in-tune with reading others, and that this might
actually be related to differences in the brain. However, not all, or even most male nurses would be
presumed to be homosexual so obviously there are variation in the ability of men to read emotions.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
So How Exactly Do The Minds Of Men And
Women Differ?
Dr. Gurian believes there
are about a hundred structural differences between the male and female brain. Men tend to
compartmentalize their communication into smaller parts of the brain and therefore tend to get right
down to the issues whereas women’s brains gather a lot more information from different areas of the
brain and therefore tend to be more detailed in their conversations. Men also show more activity in
mechanical centers of the brain and females show more activity in verbal and emotional centers. These
changes happen very early in boys and girls. To a little girl, a doll becomes life-like with desires,
feelings, needs or in other words a life, but to a little boy, that same doll is simply an object.
The brain scans of women show that the corpus callosum which handles communication is larger than
that of men’s. The corpus callosum is an anatomical part of the brain that is centered between the left
and right hemisphere and helps women’s brains “talk” better across each hemisphere. The corpus
callosum is a thick collection of nerve fibers that conduct information. In essence, it helps women
multi-task by sending information to an fro, from one side to the other to be dissected, disseminated
and refabricated as it is put through various brain centers. Men on the other hand tend to move
information within the same side of the brain better and tend not to confuse issues with others.
Women’s brains easily move from the right side (creative) to the left side (logical) and vice versa, very
easily. This is why they often inject all sorts of emotions into their arguments and details into stories
whereas men get stuck on the facts and logic and progress from A to B to C. Because of this ease of
movement women can perform more operations at the same time, they can pick berries, take care of
their young, and discuss camp ethics all at the same time. As it applies to our nonverbal discussion, it
means that they can focus on more than just the words being spoken, they can also monitor body
language as well.
So what does this all mean? Well, in practical terms, it means that women might have a better natural
ability to read people. However, this book isn’t about what’s natural, it is about what can be learned and
just about anyone can learn to read body language well, even if they are at an inherent disadvantage.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Age, Age Gaps, Status And Its Affect On Body
Language
Since we’ve isolated women as the best readers of body language, it’s time to weed out the rest of the
bad apples from the bunch. In fact, many other factors, aside from our sexes, play into our ability to
read and use body language.
The first such factor is our age. Children first learn to communicate through nonverbal channels by
using posture, gestures and proximity to influence the behaviour of the adults around them. If this
doesn’t work they will resort to crying but for the most part this is non-directional and unsophisticated.
In children, it is their body language which helps us to figure out their true desires. Before they can
signal nonverbally, we are simply left guessing so thankfully children have relatively simple and
predictable needs. Once they figure out the use of words, their nonverbal gestures quickly diminish and
eventually get mostly left by the wayside. Children who first begin to speak will show more interest in
speaking then other channels even if it means they need to interact more with their adult counterparts
versus other children of the same age. At the age of three, most children have lost or dropped almost all
of their nonverbal communication and are fully into verbal speech.
Age also plays another more important role in reading body language. Those people that are closest to
our age are the easiest to read. Our ability to accurately read others is much lower with people who are
much younger and much older then ourselves and easiest amongst our own peer group. We spend the
most amount of time with our peer group so familiarity could be a factor, however, more importantly is
our ability to relate and empathize. So the take-away message is that our ability to empathize with the
needs, desires and emotions of others is a key part in reading body language. Empathy is the ability to
put ourselves in the shoes of others and to feel what they feel.
The greater the gap in age between the reader and the target, the greater is the discrepancy in accuracy.
If you’ve ever watch siblings of similar age, you know that they have an uncanny ability to interpret
and understand each other. It’s particularly interesting to watch small children decipher each others
seemingly nonsensical gibberish and random movements. Naturally it follows that teenagers and
seniors are difficult to read by the middle aged and children are poor readers of all adults (or at least do
a good job pretend to be).
Older faces are difficult to read naturally, even for other seniors. Older faces have
weaker muscle tone, and so produce less exaggerated expressions. What expressions are made are then
covered by wrinkles disguising them even more. Status and occupational differences that we see
everyday at work, also make it difficult for us to read others. Upper management dealing with lower
management in a company or teachers dealing with students must deal with cohort differences daily
and it can become stressful.
Higher status people might lack the interest to associate with lower status people and low status people
might sense this and so return less eye contact feeling not cared about. This lack of empathy spirals into
each party caring less and less about each other. Lower status employees may also feel envious of
higher status employees and share less information with them make it difficult to develop empathy.
Health care workers that spend a lot of time with seniors can develop skills and read them more
accurately, but only if they empathize with them. To be a good body language reader, you have to be
able to put yourself in someone else’s position, and see the world as they do.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Body Language Of Children
Babies are almost
entirely dependant on nonverbal communication in their first few months, that is, if we discount crying!
As children age, they still rely, as adults do, on nonverbal language such as pointing at a toy rather then
asking for it, pushing other children aside when it suites them, or even hugs to show affection and
exaggerated pouting to garner sympathy. Babies as young as nine month’s old, who lack verbal
language, can even begin using sign language to convey desires showing just how rooted non-verbal
communication is all of us.
When young children lie they often have troubles making eye contact or they might hang their head,
appear tense or they might even quickly pull both hands up and cover their mouths as if to shove the lie
back in from where it came from. Even some adults will perform these gestures if they let slip a secret
or particularly juicy piece of gossip in the wrong circle. However, at other times, both children and
adults are not as obvious. A 2002 study by Victor Talwar and Kang Lee out of the University of
Queens, Canada, however, showed that children as young as three are naturally adept at controlling
their nonverbal language as it applies to deception. In the study, children were able to fool most of the
evaluators of their deception as a videotape showing the lie was replayed. Children are not particularly
skilled at lying through verbal channels though, and they slip up easily revealing inconsistencies in
their stories, so this is where you can really catch them. We will cover deceptive body language at
lengths later on.
Other emotional body language emitted by children is much more prevalent. For example, children use
slouching and pouting to show that they are upset and disappointed but as we age, we drop our
nonverbal cues in favour of verbal expression. We naturally become more adept at repressing what our
bodies do and tend to use more conscious thought and spoken words since it is more direct and less
easily misinterpreted. What starts off as a quick mouth slap movement to the mouth when lying (or
swearing) in children, slowly becomes a touch to the corner of the mouth. Later, restraint forces the
finger to the side even further and then instead of touching the mouth it touches the side of the nose
instead. As people age, they become much more difficult to read. By logical progression, the hardest to
read of all are sixty-year-old politicians!
As an interesting aside, dedicated parents even claim to be able to sense when a baby is about to relieve
themselves and so avoid messy diapers. This technique is referred to as elimination communication. By
reading gestures such as frowning, squirming, fussing or tensing, mother’s (or fathers!) in combination
with baby’s particular rhythms, can detect when potty time is immanent. Once the baby’s cues have
been deciphered the mother can anticipate potty time by holding baby over the toilet and cuing with
“hiss-hiss” or “wiss-wiss” sounds. To associate the hissing sounds with urination, this process must be
repeated ten to twenty times each day!
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Emulating Alpha’s Body Language
Being alpha.
Gregory Hartley author of I can read you like a book talks at length about how we are constantly at the
whim of ‘Alpha’. As he states it we are either creating the social norms or we are following them.
Think about this in terms of your work place and about who calls the shots. Is your body language free
flowing or does it react to that of your boss and managers? Do you sit like you do at home? Is your
body language relaxed? How does it change when you move from your private space, your cubicle, or
your office? How does it react when you are being reprimanded? I suspect that more then you know
Alpha’s, not just in your workplace, but in your environment at large and plays a big part in how you
comport yourself. Hartleys says that “Unless we are alpha, we are emulating the alpha and overlaying it
to our own catalogue of gestures to maintain identity while keeping alpha happy.”
He divides us further into three categories. They are sub-typical, typical and super-typical and places
everyone on a bell curve of behaviour within a given culture. The bell curve has a shape of a bell and
shows the frequencies of behaviour with most people having middle ground behaviour. The super-
typical show extremities in behaviour and set the rules for our cultures and microcultures, they are the
politicians and celebrities of our world. Within every sector of our lives there exists this bell curve of
behaviour because each of the groups we belong to has a set of acceptable behaviour; at work, your
social network, at school and so forth.
Think of the playground, where the super-typical are the popular kids whom everyone looks up to and
the sub-typical as the losers, the rest are in the middle. We look up to the super-typical and try to be like
them except in the case of the sub-typical who simply long to advance to typical. In our workplace, the
super-typical are our bosses and managers, the typical are the average people and the sub-typical are
those at the low end of the bell curve.
Naturally, no matter where we are, we all know who these people are because rank is part of our
evolutionary history. The sub-typical are those that form part of the group but aren’t the norm and they
are consistently dismissed even though everyone sees them as part of the group. In life, the sub-typical
are the homeless or socially inept, they don’t take any part in creating our social norms and as
mentioned our super-typicals are our politicians and celebrities. Everyone belongs to some sort of
group so we all follow social norming and we all to one degree or another follow our alphas. This then
triggers behaviours, actions and therefore body language which becomes typical within our groups. So
next time you watch other people’s body language be sure to frame it in light of imitating alpha.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Reading Posture
Slumped posture indicates to others that life has given you a bad hand.
Confident erect posture.
Asymmetrical posture shows a lack of confidence.
Posture is underrated in daily life but it can tell us a lot about a person. Posture refers not only to the
erectness of our bodies, but also to our body orientation, direction of lean, and the degree to which our
bodies are open and inviting.
Good healthy posture does not mean that the body is straight up and down since the natural spine has
curves, but it does mean that the spine is aligned and not twisted. There are natural curves between the
thoracic (upper) and lumbar (lower) regions where the upper curves slight backwards and the lower
slightly forward. To be technical, the ears, shoulders, hips, knees and ankles should align as if a plumb
line where run from top to bottom. This is called the neutral position because the body is best able to
hold this posture without stressing joints, muscle and bones. What it really means is that the weight of
the body is held by the bones and not by the muscles. You can imagine the structure of a house whose
weight is carried down from the rafters to the side and supporting walls, then straight down to the
foundation. A house that leans puts uneven stress over certain walls causing a risk of collapse. A good
posture promotes breathing, circulation and balance. Persistent improper posture can lead to general
discomfort, long term damage, or even deformities. While there are medical reasons for holding good
posture, there are certainly nonverbal reasons for keeping a good level body.
Having rounded shoulders for example, shows that a person is inactive in the conversation, as does
leaning away or even closing the body off. We also attribute negative ideas to people with poor posture.
People that slumped over or habitually lean on their elbows while seated or against a wall come off as
lazy and careless; sloppy. People with poor posture often come across as lacking confidence.
Conversely, being too rigid can come off as stiff, awkward, stressed, nervous and uncomfortable.
Holding good posture shows the world that one is in control, confident and powerful.
Shorter people can even add several inches with an upright posture over someone with poor posture.
The effect is magnified even moreso while seated, and can even level the field entirely. A posture
experiment is simple so feel free to try it at the next board meeting and see just how much height you
can gain just by holding a more upright posture. The postural advantage therefore is best used by
striking a happy medium between being proper and upright but not appearing stiff. Keep the shoulders
back, with your spin generally straight and head upright.
Body orientation, a subset of posture, can also convey information. For example, having weight
unevenly distributed across the legs can show that a person is ready to leave a conversation by
slumping toward the desired exit direction. Usually this is a door, or hallway. Reading or using this
posture can tell you when its time to wrap things up or tell others when you would prefer to end the
conversation. I use this skill on adamant door to door salespeople. Simply by orienting my body away
from the salesman and even slightly moving in that direction I can show the salesman that I am serious
about my disinterest. You can easily do the same.
Leaning towards or away also conveys useful meanings. Someone interested in the conversation will
literally be thrusting themselves forward into the conversation by moving their bodies forward toward
the speaker. Other times the body leans much more subtly. For example, an interested person might
stand, shifting their weight slightly forward or might teeter just a touch to the side to display interest or
connectivity to someone to their left or right. Because leaning requires a significant amount of work to
do, not to mention balance, it is a significant nonverbal message especially when it is seen in the torso
since it carries a large portion of our body weight. However, when the brain requires it to evade other
people that we dislike or favour those we like, the body will hardly realize it. There will be times that
distancing behaviours are not terribly dramatic as even just a few inches tells us that ideas and the
people that voice them are diverging. While seated, interest driven leaning can be even more dramatic
as weight is placed on the knees almost in a sprinter position as someone is trying to accept as much
information as possible.
Steps to perfect posture
1. Stand upright, shoulders relaxed yet up and back.
2. Align your neck with your spine with your head back and level. Don’t let your head droop and ‘lead’
you.
3. Push your rear end forward so as to shift your weight onto your hips and legs without becoming
overly rigid.
4. Keep your midsection tight to assist your back and keep your torso straight and upright.
5. Keep your arms to your sides with your fingers loose and keep your body weight even across both
feet.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Haptics: The Use Of Touch In Communication
Is this touching on purpose or to gain attention?
Haptics is the study of touching and how it is used in communication. Handshakes, holding hands,
kissing, back slapping, high fives, brushing up against someone or pats all have meaning. Touching is
the most developed sense at birth and formulates our initial views of the world. Touching can be used
to sooth, for amusement during play, to flirt, to expressing power and maintaining bonds between
people such as with baby and mother. Touching can carry distinct emotions and also show the intensity
of those emotions. Touch absent of other cues can signal anger, fear, disgust, love, gratitude and
sympathy depending on the length and type of touching that is performed. Many factors also contribute
to the meaning of touching such as the length of the touch and location on the body in which the
touching takes place.
In western cultures touching is infrequent which makes it even more significant when it happens.
French and Italians for example, tend to touch frequently even continuously while walking, whereas the
British prefer not to touch at all. At sporting events and especially in celebration of victory or success,
such as scoring a goal or point, touching among male athletes is permitted whereas in the dressing
room, a hands-off policy is the norm. Cultures that accept touching more often are India, Turkey,
France, Italy, Greece, Spain, the Middle East, Parts of Asia and Russia whereas no touching cultures
includes Germany, Japan, England, United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Estonia, Portugal,
Northern Europe and Scandinavia.
In the workplace, touching is fairly uncommon. We therefore use the handshake as a universal form of
touching to avoid offending others. More intimate forms of touching sometimes occurs such as a
friendly pat on the back to display encouragement but generally speaking, touching at work should be
kept to a minimum. We cover cultural differences with respect to touching in a dedicated chapter.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Body language And Energy displacement
Tapping a table is a form of energy displacement because it burns extra energy to relieve tension.
When someone talks about energy displacement and body language they are talking about movements
that create relief. Someone that is nervous or excited will find relief in rubbing their legs with their
hands called “leg cleansing”, or they might rub their hands together or stroke an object vigorously. Leg
cleansing is a gesture that usually goes unnoticed because it happens underneath the table, but an astute
observer will see the upper body move serving to give it away. An example of leg cleaning is that of a
baseball player that is on deck and getting ready to bat. His hands might be sweaty from the excitement
so he rubs his hands on his thighs, soon enough this becomes a habit and he does this every time he
comes to bat regardless of whether his hands are sweaty. With repetition he has conditioned himself to
seek comfort by performing this gesture. Self touching also produces relaxing chemicals in his body to
help him deal with the stress and burns up nervous energy. Self touching isn’t always related to energy
displacement although in this case it is. Energy displacement means the same thing as stress motivated
energy burning. It is the burning of energy that provides a trickle release that occupies the mind and
produces soothing neurochemicals.
Extreme anxiety causes the desire to control the pain by inflicting it against ourselves. It gives back our
sense of control. People who resort to ‘cutting’ also seek to displace their anxiety and control it.
Energy displacement isn’t just for athletes, it happens all over the place from the boardroom to the
classroom. We see people rubbing their hands together in excitement or wringing their hands showing
inner turmoil and in during extreme stress, pacing, or even self inflicted pain such as ear pulling,
scratching, or pinching. Energy displacement allows for a controlled release of tension without creating
fatigue. Energy displacement is akin to the natural high that is achieved through punishing physical
exercise except in this case the endorphin rush comes much less potently but the action still provides a
stress reducer.
When a woman suddenly becomes “cold” as a decision gets close in a meeting they might begin by
cross their arms and begin to stroke their elbows or forearms. The temperature in the room hasn’t
dropping though, what she is feeling is an emotional change creating an uneasy feeling. To sooth
herself, she strokes her body and this reminds her of childhood feelings where mom comforted her. A
nervous husband who waits outside a delivery room will pace back and forth. His movement gives him
something to do and also burns up excess energy. Generally men’s displacement actions will be easier
to spot then women’s since they will be more aggressive. Men feel that when something is good, more
is better, and take almost everything to extremes. In fact, one of the leading causes of preventable gum
disease is brushing the teeth too hard or for too long, and men are often most at fault for this. Women’s
postures, on the other hand, will melt into their regular body language and can therefore be harder to
spot.
An entire host of gestures can be used for energy displacement and they vary from person to person and
culture to culture. Any movement that has no inherent or immediate function and that is done when
faced with stress can be called energy displacement. With observation, you can catalog energy
displacement cues in family members, friends and even bosses. If you observe energy displacement
body language in friends, an appropriate response is to offer comfort, but if it is found in a boss or
employee, or during a sale, then it is usually time to back off and give them time to think things over.
Allow a stressed out individual some time to reach a conclusion on their own.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Fashion And Its Meaning
Have you ever thought that a tie resembles a giant downward facing arrow?
Clothing is very potent and gives off all sorts of vital information about its wearer and is a language
onto itself. Before we even speak with one another, our clothing creates an image about us, it also tells
of our sex, age, occupation, origins, social class, personality and beliefs. Clothing can also tell others
where we are going as well as what we are about to do. A business suit for example, indicates that one
is conducting business or a summer dress indicates that one is on vacation. In other words, clothing
provides context.
As a language clothing can be conventional or eccentric, clothing can give off signals about who one
wants to be or become. Teenagers place importance on designer clothing so they can impress their
friends and fit in, but as we grow older, our shift takes on a more specific role as we tailor our attire to
the functions we attend and to the status we want to hold. Imagine showing up at a cocktail party
thinking the event was inform and so appearing under-dressed, this can be embarrassing. The reason is
of course because we feel that we will be discriminated against or judged as being something we aren’t.
Clothing can also set us apart from others in terms of values and the eccentric often have flamboyant
clothing to differentiate themselves from others showing that their ideas about life are different than the
rest of those around them. Just keep in mind that while you may wish to send one message to a specific
group of people in one location, you are passing by many more on the way, each one of which are
getting the same message.
How one ‘wears’ what they wear also gives off indicators of their disposition. For example, the uptight
employee that does his collar up to the top, or the laid back who fails to properly tighten his neck tie or
avoids wearing one at all. Having buttons done up tight as opposed to having and open suite jacket also
has meaning. In a tense situation such as a court case, the defendant would be expected to show his
serious side so we expect his jacket to be done up tight with a straight tie, whereas the year end office
party would create a relaxed atmosphere causing people to loosen up or remove their ties altogether
especially as the evening progresses. Having un-pressed pants, dirty shoes or even no shoes, at all
provide details of other people’s disposition. Using inappropriately loose or tight clothing can also give
us clues as to the nature of the person. Removing a tie midday under a strict dress code indicates that
the person is rebellious and defiant or unbuttoning a blouse to show more cleavage could lead to being
labeled easy or a seductress. Even wearing casual clothing by superiors can be seen as a power-play.
We call this dressing “against the grain” and it gains its full meaning when it is done in a calculated
way. The boss, due to his status, can show up in his tennis shoes and shorts – late for a meeting,
because it is him that sets the rules and not his employees. Dressing against the grain says, “I’m a
powerful person, I make my own rules.”
Certain new policies in new age companies allow more relaxed dress which, not only shows their
progressive attitudes and desire to act entrepreneurial, but also the force new age employees are
demanding. Dress plays a big part in first and daily impressions and also provides excellent cues to be
read in others. To read someone in their entirety and give off the best impressions possible, we should
be mindful of the nonverbal cues we give off with respect to dress and also those that are given off by
others. Just remember that while judging people by the way they look and being judged for the same is
not fair, but very little in life is, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Ignoring nonverbal signal
emitted by clothing, piercings, tattoos, chains, baggy pants and dirty worn clothing is a surefire way to
alienate and turn people off. Do so at your own peril!
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Preening
Preening between two people is a sign of affection.
Preening includes anything done to maintain our physical appearance such as fixing our hair, washing
our bodies, wearing clean, matching clothing, brushing our teeth and so forth. In an evolutionary
context, preening signifies that we are healthy and in a good state of mind. Have you ever thought
about why birds usually have white under-feathers especially around their rear ends? It has been
speculated that it is a health advertisement displaying and that the carrier of such a feature has good
genetics. Unhealthy animals of any species will usually show symptoms of their sickness with some
form of intestinal looseness or diarrhea which would surely show against a wide backdrop! Birds
therefore show their health by keeping a clean rear end. They also preen by bathing in water and dust to
keep themselves free of ticks and other nuisance hitchhikers. Humans are no different than any other
animals as we also require sufficient energy to maintain our bodies.
A case in point is what happens when humans fall mentally ill. It has been noted around the world that
when people suffer from illness personal grooming is the first aspect to go. When minds are busy with
more pressing matters it shoves looking good aside. Homeless people and the severely depressed will
wear un-kept hair, dirty clothing and ignore showering. They will lie around for hours on end but when
they do finally take foot, their posture will be slumped, shoulders rolled inward, torsos bent at the waste
and their head will droop as if they carry the “weight of the world upon their shoulders.” They will
succumb to the forces of gravity rather than defy it such as what we see with the exuberant who seem
to have a “bounce in their step.” This is why it is so vitally important to keep a well cared for
appearance to signal to others that we have proper mental health. A lot can be surmised about a person
from wearing torn and soiled clothing, especially in public. Like manners, preening tells others that we
respect their thoughts and opinions, and that we wish to belong to a functioning society.
Preening can be a good thing as described above, but done inappropriately can be seen as rude. Picking
lint so as to detach oneself from a conversation is one such way. When grooming is done in this way it
dissociates a person from a conversation by removing agreement indicators, eye contact and
attachment. Another happens by removing dirt from under the nails, clipping them in public or other
more unmentionable grooming rituals, which are unsightly and a turn off. However, preening such as
adjusting a necktie, fixing the hair, smoothing clothing or applying lipstick done in a courtship setting,
indicates interest and a desire to impress in a positive way. When preening is performed on someone
else, it shows a desire to be close. This is done when mothers clean their child’s dirty hands and when
lovers catch a piece of food that has missed their partner’s mouth.
Chapter 2 – The Basics Of Understanding Body Language
Summary – Chapter 2
In this second chapter we have solidified our nonverbal foundation with the five cardinal rules of body
language. First we covered the five basic rules of body language: the rule-of-four, congruence, context,
baselining and intuition and perception. The ‘rule-of-four’ says that we need at least four independent,
but related signals to reliably read someone whereas congruence says that we should pay particular
attention when verbal language and nonverbal language do not match. Context on the other hand, says
that we must be mindful of where and how cues develop since they could be confused with other
variables and might mean something totally different or nothing at all. Baselining refers to the need to
measure a person over time and in different situations before we can accurately predict their nonverbal
meaning with any accuracy. The final rule says that we need to be conscious about intuition and
perception so we don’t project meaning onto situations based on pre-conceived beliefs. We also
covered how the feet are the most honest part of the body, and that coupled with putting presidency on
negative body language over positive body language, we will have a greater success rate in reading
people accurately.
Aside from these rules we looked at the flow of silent speech, how body language can be less confusing
than verbal language, the differences between men and women, how women intuitively read body
language and how age affects body language. We also discussed the importance that alpha’s, or leaders
play in our lives and how we are either creating social norms (leading) or we are following them, how
posture portrays confidence, the importance of ‘haptics’ or touch, in addition to body language as it
relates to energy displacement and finally the meaning of fashion and preening.
Chapter 3 – Cultural Differences
Introduction – Chapter 3
If you spend time traveling or do business in more than one country then this chapter will prove
invaluable. Not all body language happens the same way all over the world. To some this revelation
gives them ammunition against body language because they say that since it is not totally universal, it
is not innate and therefore not predictive, however this is not so. While some body language crosses
culture, other language does not, what is important though, it to know which is which. We will spend
the following chapter looking at how body language varies from region to region and hence from
culture to culture and you will see that some body language is learned while some innate or genetic.
As we progress we will look at how emblems, illustrators, affect displays, adaptors and regulators add
colour to our language and as how to use them. We will also discuss how these facets of body language
vary across regions. The two take-away messages from this chapter is that it is the sender that
determines the accuracy of the message no matter what the culture, and that it is up to you to decide
what it means, and that it is the culture in which we find ourselves which dictates what’s normal. In this
context, normal is what tells us how we should comport ourselves. We will see that our innate body
language dictates our culture, that some gestures are universal (and some are not) and that touching
preferences and desire (or tolerance) to closeness is learned. Finally we will cover the ways in which
cultures meet and greet one-another.
Chapter 3 – Cultural Differences
Genetic, Learned Or Cultural: Which Is It?
Tongue jutting is a universal gesture of distaste. It means, I don’t like that. Think of pushing gross food
out of your mouth.
Much debate has been raised about the root causes of emotional facial expressions, that is if they are
genetic or learned. In fact, the debate dates back to Aristotle and Darwin, even today studies still debate
the universality of facial expressions and their relevance across cultures. The debate revolves around
whether or not the language of the body stems from culture, and is learned, or if they are simply part of
the human repertoire and exist at birth and are innate. For example, the Chinese stick their tongues out
to display surprise, but this isn’t universally consistent. All cultures however, recognize laughter to
express joy and tears to express grief. So while we might agree that some expressions are cultural like
the Chinese tongue protrusion others are universal such as laughing and crying.
Thumbs up means good things in the West, but in other cultures it means “up yours!”
Many cultures also determine whether natural expressions are permitted, inhibited or exaggerated
further confusing the issue. For example, certain cultures permit open public weeping from grief
whereas others inhibit these natural gestures. This is called the “display rule” and it says that it is the
culture from which we are raised that determines what level of expression of emotion is permitted. The
culture sets the norm. In a study where a particularly gory film was projected to subjects, the Japanese
and American subjects showed similar stress-type facial expressions. However, when a scientist was
present, the Japanese more than the Americans tended to mask their negative expressions with the use
of smiles. While being watched the Americans were more likely to be expressive and the Japanese
tended to try to hide their disgust.
Very little research into emotional language by the body, face exempt, has been conducted thus far. It is
however clear that gestures such as giving the thumbs up or the victory symbol with the index and
middle finger extended, are particularly cultural, it is not clear yet if body posture are particularly
cultural or innate. The research does show that cultural differences in expressiveness of body language
tend to vary greatly across culture. Studies using blind children as subjects have shown that smiling and
embarrassment gestures like hiding the face with the hands, occurs regardless of learning or copying,
indicating that they are indeed genetic. There is still a fair amount of work that needs to be done before
any real conclusion can be made about the origins of nonverbal signals.
Chapter 3 – Cultural Differences
Emblems, Illustrators, Affect Displays, Adaptors
And Regulators
Gesticulating is the original form of communication between humans.
Gestures are used in speech to convey information more efficiently or to express attitudes or emotions
and as a body language reader they give us clues as to the speakers mental framework from which they
speak. Beneficial byproducts of gestures include making speech occur more smoothly and increased
liking between speakers and listeners. In the following section we will cover “kinesics” which is the
subclass of nonverbal body language that is related to movement. Kinesics is probably the most talked
about and most common type of body language but also the most easily confused cross-culturally.
The first full length study on gesture was published in 1644 by John Bulwer. He catalogued dozens of
gestures and produced a guide on how to increase clarity and eloquence in public speaking. Further
research has shown that some gestures are universal and therefore have ubiquitous meaning across
cultures, while others only have local meaning. Other gestures are context specific so mean one thing in
one place and can mean something entirely different elsewhere. Pointing, made by extending the index
finger and balling up the rest of the hand for example, is one of the gestures that has the same meaning
everywhere, but the okay-sign made by touching the index finger to the thumb and flaring out the
remaining fingers, as we shall see later, does not.
Some cultures also tend to gesture, called “gesticulation” when used in speech, more or less often than
others. For example, Italians are known to use a lot of gestures in speech whereas the English tend to
use gestures infrequently. The English culture, on the other hand, deems high rates of gesticulation as
being impolite. The high gesture cultures include Hebrew, French and Spanish.
The more social way for us to use our hands is to use them in concert with what is being said, although
taken to extremes like the Italians, or lack thereof like the English, can be counterproductive. A balance
between the two, will be the best case. The hands and arms add to the dialogue and liven it. Keeping
your hands to your sides or your arms crossed tightly might be comfortable, but those that use their
hands moderately while speaking appear intelligent and honest when viewed by others. Universally,
closed posture come off as negative and anti-social no matter what kinds of truths spoken or positive
feelings intended by the speaker. This is why it’s so important to be conscious of our gestures because
even if we aren’t, others will be. Whether or not others bring closed body language to consciousness, is
not relevant. Our impressions are created in others passively with no active thinking.
The various gestures have been broken down into five categories: emblems, illustrators, affect displays,
regulators which we cover next.
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