The Ultimate Body Language Book

There are a few postures that men use to display their prowess, but the jury is out as to whether or not
women find them attractive per se. One of these postures is the cowboy posture which happens by
placing the thumbs in a belt loop and aiming the remaining fingers toward the genitals. Interested
women do tend to look at the crotch of men of interest, but performing the display might not make a
man appear more sexually attractive.

The crotch display in action.
A second version of the crotch display is to keep the legs spread open where the hand may be found on
the inside of the thigh in a “ready position” or propped up on a knee. These signals are less of a sexual
invitation than they are signal of their dominance over others in the room, which in and of itself makes
them appear more attractive to women. New Guinea natives use what is called the penis sheath, also
called koteka, horim or penis gourd to emphasis and draw attention to their genitals. It is usually made
from a dried gourd and tied with a small loop around the scrotum with a secondary loop tied around the
chest or abdomen and is worn without clothing. The penis sheath is usually tied in an upward position
but some tribes position them to point straight out, up or at an angle. The penis sheath is an excellent
example of sexually selected behaviour that came about through culture and serves to illustrate the
power behind the male crotch display. What is done by western cultures is not much different if
modesty and the clothing is stripped aside, so to speak. Western men use slight of hand through
pointing and leg spreading to draw eyes, whereas the penis sheath draws attention to male prowess
through a much more obvious and grand scale.
Micheal Jackson had no shortage of female fans and perhaps this was due to his frequent crotch grabs,
although I suspect it has more to do with his deep pockets (or maybe his signing talent?). Men also
draw attention to their crotch in other ways such as with their hands by motioning or placing a hand on
the inner thigh, or re-orienting so the crotch faces the women directly. Men use subtle preening gestures
such as fixing hair, straightening a tie or collar, or removing lint, but these aren’t as common when
compared to women as sexual signals. This runs us full circle to our original though and that is that
men display attractiveness through status and dominant indicators rather than any physical cue or
posture. As it where though, some of men’s body positions can reveal this very characteristic.

Chapter 13 - Courtship Signals

Eliminating Beta Male Body Language

Pockets are a great place to stash a few hands. Only problem is that it makes us look uncomfortable.
While women might become nervous as a signal of a man’s attractiveness in her eye, and use it

effectively to attract his attention, she won’t find this signals attractive when done by men. To her,
nervousness signals that he is a lesser man; a beta man.
Beta male characteristics includes but is not limited to fidgeting, slouching, putting hands in pockets,
crossing arms, wringing the hands, talking with a hand hiding the mouth, and touching or scratching
the face or neck without purpose. Men who exhibit these gestures might signal nonverbally their
attraction to a woman, but the signals won’t be found to be a turn-on to women. In other words, men
should drop this cue altogether because it doesn’t help their cause. Rather, they should use the
dominant body language listed below to create arousal in women and thereby elicit sexual body
language from them. Beta men by definition are those that come second to dominant or alpha men,
both in daily life and in dating.
In the dating world, because beta men come second to alpha men are left choosing what alpha men
deem less valuable. In other words, beta males get second pick (or are chosen by women second,
however you want to look at things) and also miss out on dates more often than alpha males. Being beta
in life, isn’t necessarily a bad thing, in fact, most people are second in lead, or worse, to someone at
any one time or another throughout the day. However, in dating, it is important to be alpha to at least
one woman in life! We can also add that not every woman is alpha worthy either, and this is part of the
natural order or hierarchy of things. Everything balances out in the end, even if we just act out our
normal selves, as there are more than enough variations of people to pair up with. The issue stems from
trying to reach higher into the hierarchy and this requires behavioural modifications and work. Chances
are good though, that if you are reading this book, you have a desire to improve your success in life
which is why we move forward.
In closing this point, what is important in terms of beta male body language, is to refrain from showing
that the weight of the world is upon us forcing our shoulders to slouch, or that life has run amuck with
our self esteem, by carrying awkward postures. Having our shoulders up and back shows that we can
effectively carry the weight of our predicaments, no matter what that is.
Some beta male postures:

Touching the face indicates insecurity.

Hand to mouth gestures should be avoided as it is a sign of low confidence and sometimes lying.

Extreme anxiety causes the desire to control the pain by inflicting it against ourselves. It gives back our
sense of control over our anxiety. People who resort to ‘cutting’ also seek to displace their anxiety and
control it.

Chapter 13 - Courtship Signals

Dominant Body Language

The alpha male solicits (elicits) attention from women.
Establishing dominance and status are the main messages men deliver to establish attraction with

women and there are a variety of methods to do so. Fashion is one aspect of status and it includes
expensive watches and suites, polished shoes and being well groomed. Status also comes across
through body language. Open postures, legs spread apart, arms uncrossed and keeping the hands away
from the face. Alpha men display alpha traits because life has treated them well. Good posture also
shows that life hasn’t taken advantage of him and the weight of the world isn’t holding him down.
The torso’s of dominant men is firm and still, they will use their arms to punctuate points, but keep
them relatively inactive. Dominant men only rarely raise their arms above the level of their belt.
Speaking slowly with a calm voice also shows dominance. The fewer words used, the more emphasis is
placed on what words are used. Instead of rambling on, men should use more pauses and allow their
minds to catch up. Alpha men speak slowly, almost carefully. They choose their words wisely and
avoid fillers such as “ummm” and “ahhh.” Taking up space is also part of dominant body language.
Having the arms spread wide while on a sofa and the legs apart gives the impression that men are
relaxed and also larger than they actually are.

Chapter 13 - Courtship Signals

The Dominant Male Stance

An alpha posture takes up space as if he’s in his own living room.
Whenever not in motion, men should keep both feet flat on the ground with their arms to their sides and
their weight even across both feet. Men should do their best to avoid placing their hands in their
pockets as it comes across as dishonest as though they have something to hide. The hips should be
forced forward slight, with the legs just wider than shoulder width. Men might also wish to extend a
foot in the direction of the woman of interest to give her a subtle cue of interest.
It is paramount that men avoid leaning up against objects or walls and using them as a crutch.
Confident men will appear relaxed, calm and grounded, without the help of chairs, walls or other
crutch-like-objects to fiddle with and occupy their hands. Men should also avoid standing or sitting in

the same position for too long. Rather, they should move confidently about the room and explore all
aspects of their territory making themselves at home.

Chapter 13 - Courtship Signals

How Men Can Use Negative Body Language

“Pecking forward” is a negative body posture for men in courtship because it makes him seem needy
and low value.
Men should make all their movements more planned, deliberate, and purposeful. Leaning in too much,
also referred to as “pecking” forward, is a big fault most men make. Leaning back will force others to
engage you, instead of the other way around. Talking quietly also has the affect of forcing people to
move closer to you, thereby increasing your status but if done too frequently appears submissive and
unconfident.
Don’t be afraid to use negative body language when people do things you don’t like. If they “start on
you”, don’t be afraid to turn your back or cross your arms. At the same time, men should display honest
and genuine interest and try to build others around them up, but at the same time force them to work for
their approval. Most everyone has a sore spot for validation and if you can become a root to their
confidence, then they will seek you for approval which gives you the power. However, men shouldn’t
be afraid to show interest either. Body language like verbal language is a negotiation.

Does he really want to leave? In most cases, negative body language is truthful, but he’s playing a
game – hard-to-get!

One negative body language technique involves talking over a shoulder so as to show some but not
total interest in someone. If done correctly it, the body language teases woman and forces them to
display stronger signals of interest to keep the man’s attention. That is if she’s been given enough cues
to feel compelled to compete for your attention. Using negative body language in this way is especially
attractive to women who habitually have men fawning all over them. Far too often men use body
language that is open an accepting in all cases and situations even though women don’t fully and
sometimes not even partially deserve it. Negative body language shows rejection, which a lot of
women are not accustomed to so it brings out their competitive spirit.

Above: Playing hard to get can sometimes put you back in the driver’s seat with women. For example,
you could display a carefree attitude by slouching lower in a seat, opening up your posture, and taking
up more space than necessary to demonstrate dominance. This may excite certain women since you are
displaying as a typical alpha male, but if you go overboard, it will turn women off.

Chapter 13 - Courtship Signals

Tonality Advice For Men

Communication patterns are often a make-it or break-it moment.
As we have seen in a pervious chapter, tonality plays a big part in the meaning and intent of the
message being delivered. Speaking in a soft voice can be construed as nervous, especially if words are
so quiet they are misheard. When in groups containing new people, it is very common to speak quietly
to direct your conversation to specific people you are more familiar with, however this can and will
alienate others and serve to isolate you further. While in a group, therefore, don’t be afraid to address
everyone and save private conversations for later. Whispering, which is an entirely different ballgame
can actually bring women closer and create sparks, so is fair technique to explore. As tonality pertains
to dating and attraction, it is important to hold a strong voice and use projection to carry it to your
audience. Speaking too loudly can come across as forceful and arrogant though, so try to balance your
speech to your location and audience, as well as the surrounding noise.
As mentioned earlier, women find men with voices that are deep sexy and it is possible to lower the
breadth of your voice with practice. Even keeping it monotone will make it seem deeper and sexier,
although a lack of enthusiasm will likely out-weight the benefits. Calming and slowing the voice can
also deepen it and these techniques can be perfected when practiced. Naturally each one of the
techniques for voice lowering can appear forced and awkward, and in most cases, the voice can only be
lowered by a few degrees, but this might be all that is required to bring a high pitched voice down to an
acceptable medium.
Another aspect of voice is projection. In nightclubs where talking is often difficult at best, you might
consider extending the length of words and phrases, so they are better heard. Men should never pass up
an opportunity for closeness, and as mentioned, whispering is a great tool to accomplish this. A “hey,
let’s get out of here, it’s too loud to talk” makes for a good exit strategy once a connection is formed.
Regardless of the situation, a well projected voice communicates strength and confidence.
Men should also be mindful of nervous laughing and long bouts of monotone speech, which can be a

killer for women. Men should avoid getting overly excited, but should also not be afraid to liven speech
with gestures and some changes in pitch, to show that they have a pulse, and that their life is at least
somewhat exciting. If men find themselves in conversation with an unwilling participant, they should
change gears or change partners, this is what makes body language so powerful, since it eliminates the
need to second guess interest. Having read the cues to sexual interest at the beginning of this chapter
along with interest in general covered throughout the book, it should be plainly obvious what others are
thinking about you.

Chapter 13 - Courtship Signals

Smiling And Gazing Advice For Men

A worried facial expression wont lead to positive outcomes! Try a relaxed, confident smile instead.
Smiles mean a lot more than just happiness, such as fear and stress. However, smiles due tend to appear
most from happiness, and as a result of genuine feelings of optimism. They also indicate confidence
and hopefulness. We know that smiles are infectious, yet men hardly ever sport them. I suppose men’s
lack of smiles has to do with the vast amount of testosterone that courses through their bodies, coupled
with the fear of appearing subordinate to others, but men should not let that be a deterrent. If men walk
through life with a big grin, people will notice and stop them, wondering what good news they hold, or
what successes they have achieved.
Laughter and smiles, when done by men, show women that they have interesting and successful lives.
Men can easily try a smile experiment to measure the exact value it has, and they’ll know they’re onto
something when they receive smiles in return. While it is true that some smiles won’t be well received,
be they ignored or returned with a grimace, it shouldn’t deter the smile experiment from continuing.
The object isn’t to impress everyone, rather it is to plan seeds in the minds of others that you are
friendly, open to conversation, and that good things happen to you, and that if they associate with you,
these good things might benefit them too.

Even stone faced women can be broken by persistent smiling so long as it is done properly. When
smiling, men should never face women straight on, rather they should smile at an angle. The straight on
look can be construed as aggressive and confrontational. Men should always break smiles by looking
down, not away, up or to the side. A downward look shows that you are prepared to submit and that you
are not a threat. If eye contact is made, keep it brief, lasting less than three seconds and always add a
small genuine smile with head cocked at forty-five degrees. Avoid head on stares, prolonged looks, or
abnormal or persistent eye widening, as these will surely send the wrong message.

Even if women don’t respond immediately, it doesn’t mean that a future encounter won’t lead to
positive things. In public we are habitually in displacement mode so most women initially see people as
objects rather than people worthy of interaction. Men should understand that women find others,
especially strange men, as potential threats to their safety. If, or rather when, because after all this is a
numbers game, a man finds a willing participant, the sensation will be immediately exhilarating for
both parties. However, smiling isn’t the end of the story, it’s the start. Smiling endlessly can become
creepy so if invitations to conversation seems welcome, graduate to verbal dialogue and take things to
the next level. If your experiment fails miserably, try adding a sharp nod or even a joyous “hi”, “hey”,
or “hello.” A verbal connection or a more obvious nonverbal signal can serve to snap people more
forcefully out of their public displacement.

Smiles are inexpensive so don’t be afraid to use them, but do keep in mind that the vast majority of
people, especially in crowded urban areas, might ignore them totally. Remember though, that just
because the cues are ignored does not mean that it is a personal rejection, since logically, these people
have no sense whatever about the smiler, they don’t even know them! Remember too, like a lot of
things in life, smiling-success is a numbers game.

Chapter 13 - Courtship Signals

How Men Should Gaze

The eyes are the windows to your soul.
As mentioned, men can use a variety of ways to attract subtle attention. In accordance with the rules of

the mating dance, men can see these tactics to create interest and attract women. The real goal of male
sexual body language is to induce a woman to look at him, to notice him, the rest is the responsibility
of verbal dialogue. It doesn’t get a whole lot more extensive than that.
Once he has her eye, a man should use proper gaze patterns. Most men will make the mistake of
smiling too quickly or smiling before she has even noticed him. Worse perhaps, is their grin will appear
etched on their face which appears to women as gawking and is off-putting. Men should always limit
gazing to three seconds or less, any longer than this comes off as staring or leering. To start, men
should first try to establish eye contact, then once established, wait a fraction of a second then flash a
quick smile before turning away shyly as if being busted with the hand in the cookie jar. If this feels
uncomfortable, use what is called a “slow growing smile” where the smile is directed with eye contact
and seems to grow in direct response to the woman.

Mutual gaze.
Men should always wait until eye contact is established before smiling. This tells the target that he is
smiling at her rather than smiling generally, or smiling at someone in her direction, or just smiling
because he’s heard someone say something funny. Eye contact is the most reliable way to anchor a
smile. The effect men are trying to convey is that he has noticed her, got caught looking, but isn’t
apologetic because he sincerely finds her attractive. Whenever men hold mutual eye contact followed
by a smile they should hold it for at least two to three seconds before breaking it by looking downward.
Men should never look to the side when finishing an eye gaze pattern, or break eye contact
immediately once established, since it will indicate to a women that he was merely stealing a look, or
was just caught staring. In either case, it sends the message that no interest was present, he was just
scanning the room, or he’s already in a committed relationship and was checking another women out,
but isn’t capable or willing to act on his eye language.
Once eye contact is broken for the first time, it is important for the man to immediately reestablish it,
followed by even more powerful smile. If this second bout yields a smile in return there’s a good
chance an approach will be welcomed. Women need some time to decide if attraction is present, just
like men need time to isolate interesting targets from all other women present. This is why the first
sequence rarely produces a smile, whereas the second is a much better possibility. If a smile happens on

the first try, it tells us that she was thinking about him even before their first glance, which is also a
strong signal.

Chapter 13 - Courtship Signals

The Ten Steps To Intimacy

When men and women initiate intimacy they always follow a very specific pattern. While the list isn’t
entirely rigid it represents the most universally comfortable way men and women come together. There
are cases when some of the steps are skipped, but in most cases, they are simply accelerated making it
appear as though steps went missing. While I have no experience with adult movies, I have been told
that even therein, men and women follow these steps closely. Here are the ten steps to creating
intimacy.

Hand touches shoulder. This form of touching is risky because it implies
some from of connection. If absent, can still be rebuffed with minimal damage and embarrassment, but
still breaches personal space boundaries.

[A] Eye to body. The eyes first make contact with the lower part of the body, but hit the face in general,
the assets – buttocks and crotch, chest or breast, the legs of women and the overall build of men. If both
see mutual attraction they continue to the next step.
[B] Eye to eye. Mutual eye contact is established which includes a long intimate gaze where the eyes

travel over the face including the lips.
[C] Hand touches hand. Light touching of the hand, or hand-holding is often the first way distance is
breeched. The hand is intimate, yet risk-free, unlike say the breasts or the genitals! Other acceptable
first touches include incidental touches such as an elbow, forearm or task directed actions such as
helping to put on a coat.
[D] Hand touches shoulder. This form of touching is risky because it implies
some from of connection. If absent, can still be rebuffed with minimal damage and embarrassment, but
still breaches personal space boundaries.
[E] Arm encircles waist. In this step, the arm is lowered closer to the genitals so is more intimate. This
form of touching, since it requires permission and attraction, which may or may not be present, is
highly risky and can spell disaster if not welcomed. However, if it is accepted, it can be used as a test to
move quickly to the following step.
[F] Mouth touches mouth. This step is fairly self explanatory but is a huge milestone in a relationship.
Most women remember their first kiss long after men do, but even if men forget the exact details after
some time, they will always recall their conquest! When two people kiss they exchange a lot more than
just spit. Chemicals in the saliva are linked to taste and if things don’t jive at this moment, everything
can unravel, and quickly. Women are often heard saying “things weren’t right” or that “he was a bad
kisser” and it usually has to do with pheromones they find unattractive, rather than his lack of skill.
Women will let men they find attractive kiss sloppily, but mediocre men need to perform at a higher
level while kissing! It has been postulated by researchers that if the unique chemical signature of men
and women is too closely alike, attraction fails to materialize, most probably due to a desire to avoid
inbreeding. Family members carry similar genes and therefore give off similar odors signatures and so
kissing is one way to test things out before getting too heavy.
[G] Hand touches head. The head is a vulnerable part of the body so we only allow those we really trust
to get close enough to play with our hair or ears or whatever. Touching and stroking the hair, plays an
intimate and important role in kissing, especially the good kind of kissing.
[H] Hand touches body. Having passed all the tests listed above, couples will permit each other to
explore various parts of their body, at the exclusion of the breasts and crotch and usually touching
happens over the clothes. Sometimes brief forays may be permitted, but this sort of intimacy still
requires caution. Touching includes stroking, fondling, tickling, caressing and are precursors to sexual
intimacy. If all goes well, both bodies will become aroused to the point of no return, pushing them into
the next step.
[J] Mouth touches body. Included in this step is hand under clothing. Usually either mouth or hands are
permitted to touch the body. This step opens up fondling of the breasts under the clothes, and usually
even permits the touching of the genitals over the clothes.
[K] Hand caresses genitals and genitals touches genitals. From steps H onward, body language lacks a
visual component and so people usually dim the lights, turn them out altogether or close their eyes so
they can eliminate distraction and shift their focus onto their sense of touch and smell. Intercourse is a
primal activity so requires just the right ingredients in just the right ratios to work. If something isn’t
quite right, then the sequence can be broken at any one stage, even at the last minute, or so I’m told!

Chapter 13 - Courtship Signals

Summary – Chapter 13

In this chapter we looked extensively at courtship signals. We learned that men who are not familiar
with body language tend to miss the signals put out by women, but that women can be misleading or
confusing as message senders, and that it is the women’s job to signal sexual interest. We talked about
the most common sexual signals women use, starting with displays of submission including pigeon toes
or tibial torsion, shoulder shrugs, exposing the neck or wrists, head tilt, smiling, the forehead bow and
childlike playfulness. The second class of signals, we discussed where ways to create sexiness such as
tossing the hair, tilting the pelvis, the parade, the room encompassing glance, grooming and preening,
the leg twine and leg crossing, hiking the skirt and or dressing provocatively. The third way women use
to indicate interest that we covered related to proximity such as moving closer, pointing and eye contact
and crossing the legs towards her object of affection. The remaining sexual signals were rapport
building. We learned that women dress more provocatively and ornament more elaborately when most
fertile and receptive to male advances, that echoing and mirroring is a big component in the mating
dance, and how squeezing the hand can be used as a kiss test.

We then looked at the main behaviours that can be used by women to avoid male solicitation which
included facial expressions such as yawning, frowning, sneering, gaze avoidance, upward gaze, looking
away, and staring and gestures such as negative head shaking, nail cleaning, teeth picking or pocketing
hands and postural patterns such as arm crossing, holding the trunk rigidly, closing the legs, body
contact avoidance or pulling away. These were classified into three main categories; gaze avoidance,
gestures and posture patterns.

As we saw, men solicit attention from women in a different way. Men will demonstrate dominance and
virility to appear sexier to women, whereas women traditionally display submission. We saw that alpha
men will use the cowboy posture to draw attention to their genitals, they will and should eliminate beta
male body language to attract women, use more open postures such as legs spread apart, arms
uncrossed, keep their hands away from their face, hold a firm upright torso, use their arms and hands to
punctuate points in speech, speak slowly with a calm voice, use fewer filler words such as “umms” and
“ahhs” and generally take up more space to appear more relaxed and in control. We learned that the
dominant male posture happens by placing the feet flat with the body’s weight spread evenly with hips
forward and legs slightly wider than shoulder width. We then looked at how men can use negative body
language to trick women into thinking they are disinterested in a cat and mouse game, how tonality
affects attraction with deeper being sexier, that random smiling can bring about good things and that
men should wait until eye contact is established before smiling to anchor a smile to a specific target
before breaking eye contact by looking downward. In our final section we covered the tens steps to
intimacy.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Introduction – Chapter 14

We don’t all work in office situations, but it won’t make this chapter any less valuable to those who
don’t. Throughout life we all find ourselves in business situations even if they don’t appear to be so
because money or capital is such a pervasive component of our global marketplace. This chapter is all
about setting up and also reading the nonverbal language of business, from selling, to buying and

what’s sandwiched in the middle, negotiation! We will look at how to sell to different people without
becoming their friends as well as the level of service they would prefer, how best to interact with
people when standing, and through my handshake experiment we shall see the types of bad handshakes
you will, or have already experienced, and as well as how to gain the upper hand. Specific handshake
advice is provided to women and those with small hands so their hands aren’t totally engulfed!

There are also office tips specifically directed toward women such as why women would be better
served if they played down their sexiness but still showed curves, how they can use their heels to apply
“pressure” to their colleagues, and how they can “power sit” for best results. We will also find out how
people that are prepared for action appear like sprinters in the starting blocks, how the “top dogs” or
natural leaders actually start off that way since they already have dominant body language patterns and
receive promotions for these characteristics rather than something more deserved like actual talent. We
then cover how to please your boss despite his disposition before delving into interview body language
and outline what homework needs to be done before arriving, how to enter the interview area, what
gestures are appropriate, as well as which clothing should be removed before the interview to show
belonging. We conclude our chapter on office body language with a summary of buying indicators.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

How To Signal I’m Here To Help But Not Be
Your Friend – Some Tips For Salespeople

There will be times when we’ll need to tell people that we are there for them, but at the same time, not
overstep their boundaries. One of those times is when we act as salespeople where we want to appear
helpful but not overly friendly. When dealing with the public especially in retail, we need to adopt a
different style of body language than we would with close friends.

When we sell, we need to convey “I’m here to help” so we should convey alertness and motivation, but
the message isn’t “I’m your friend” and we should maybe go for a drink sometime to catch up. We’ve
all seen good sales people who meet you with a smile, but what is an effective smile in a retail
scenario? If we smile too big, we come across as too friendly which can turn some people off. Instead
we should perform a slight smile with brief eye contact. This shows them that we’ve noticed them, and
are willing and able to engage any questions or need for assistance they might have. Eye contact should
be non-threatening and non-challenging. Eye contact combined with our anchoring smile tells the
consumer that we are employees, and that we are there to serve them. Your body should show that you
are confident and assertive primarily to serve the company you work for, as you have agreed to a
certain level of responsibility.

The next step is to identify the type of client you are working for. Some clients prefer to look around on
their own and not be bothered and others want and even need to be directed. Others yet, will prefer a
mixture of the two, especially after they have identified a product of interest. We know someone is
comfortable shopping by themselves because they use sentences such as “Just browsing” or “Having a
look around”. Someone that wants more direct help will immediately find a clerk and ask lots of
questions and express their needs and general interests. If they don’t find what they want immediately,
they will hang around a clerk, or leave altogether if they don’t get the service they require.

Clients that are short and hurried with their verbal language, who make very little or no small talk and
speak only of the products of interest, only want to get their items and leave. They won’t want to
interact on a personal level or chat about the weather or other such affairs. This is a fine stance in a

customer and should be respected. These types of people won’t even see you as a being human, rather,
they will see you as a means to their end. We identify these people because they seem to look ‘through’
or over you and seem extremely focused on the product. They will give no rapport signals and very
little facial expressions. As a salesperson you should hold a neutral body position and stay relatively
expressions and avoid trying to engage them on other levels besides that which directly involves the
sale. In other words, sell the product and it’s features rather than yourself. Push them through the
product selection quickly, talk about their pro’s and con’s and check them out as efficiently as possible,
and you will make them happy.

“Friendly” clients will want something wholly different. They will begin to chat with you, express eye
contact and might even touch to establish more rapport. Often the conversation will start off on an item
then move onto something much less centered, it could evolve into family, sports or events. For these
clients, the relationship is very important so with these types of client mirror their body language and
use plenty of eye contact in effort to make them feel comfortable and as if they are speaking to a friend.
This type of client is seeking to buy the entire experience including the salesperson and will often buy
just because they liked the salesperson. This client requires the salesperson to sell “themselves” as part
of the package.

A third type of client is the “follower.” He or she will want the salesperson to take charge. This client is
usually unfamiliar with the buying process, or they are unsure of what they are looking for. These types
of people stand out to us especially in situations like airports because it is such a confusing affair. They
will ask specific questions but these questions might be inappropriate because he or she is not totally
familiar with the subject matter. This client will show submissive body language as they try to protect
themselves from embarrassment and show willingness to follow someone in charge. Followers will
show timidity and nervousness at times, and take up less space than normal. Sometimes confident
clients appear to be followers, but they only appear so because they are in a novel environment, or are
beginning to shop for an item they don’t have much knowledgeable about. Confident people won’t
show such submissive gesture at all, but will otherwise show a desire to follow the salesperson by their
verbal language. Confident, ill-informed buyers will still tend to closely hang onto the salesperson like
a “follower”, not because they require hand-holding, but rather because they wish to be sold directly
and will purchase if enough information is provided.

The final type of client is the “dominator.” They will immediately stare you down and make strong eye
contact. They will be suspicious of the salespersons motives and want to maintain control because they
fear being taken advantage of. The dominator’s voice will be firm with neutral or negative facial
expressions. This client might move into the salespersons personal space and try to intimidate them or
they may intrude over a counter or place a bag or coat on it. They may be grabby and use touch to
influence the salesperson. In this situation, the salesperson should remain neutral or positive and not
mirror the client’s body language or conflict may escalate. Negative body language such as this is usual
for someone with a specific complaint. Instead of fighting their language stay pleasant and hear them
out trying to show empathy for their situation even if you aren’t actually able to do anything about it.
At times, dropping dominant signals can help, slumping the head and shoulders shows that we are
willing to submit to them. Sometimes winning the battle includes feigning loss and conceding to their
demands.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

How We Prefer To Orient Ourselves When
Standing

Most people would state that standing square, face-to-face was the most honest and trustworthy
position people orient themselves in while speaking with someone, but they would only be half right. In
fact, most Americans stand at forty-five degrees or at oblique angles to one another. Facing someone
dead on, is how boxers square off to one another in the pre-show weigh-in or when two men near
physical contact at a bar. The head on orientation is reserved for confrontation with just one exception.
That is when two people are really comfortable with each other.

In confrontation people get really close to one another and stare into each others eyes as a signal of
dominance. This stance has a basis in escape since it is much easier to exit left or right from a tilted
position rather than one that squares you off to someone else. When we want to exit from a
confrontational stance we need to pivot or shift first which requires more movement and puts is in peril.
However, orienting at oblique angles mutually tells us that we aren’t trying to corner each other, but
when confrontation is not a remote possibility, facing straight-on is a demonstration of extreme comfort
and trust.

Other cultures don’t feel this way. Arabic cultures for example will speak with one another with their
faces nearly touching, which isn’t rare, in fact it happens during normal conversation. Women in
American cultures tolerate such closeness only from another woman. Men who do this to women will
be perceived as sexually interested and be seen to be making a sexual come-on. If not welcomed
closeness will be a threat and turn-off, and in an office situation, should definitely be avoided.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

The Types Of Handshakes

“Pressing the flesh” or handshakes are a very important ritualized greeting gesture that has gained
worldwide popularity. How someone presents their hand during a handshake tells us a lot about how
they see their relationship with us. There are three main palm orientations that can occur during
handshakes. They are palm down (dominance or superiority), palm up (submissiveness) and palm even
(equality). A palm down orientation emphasizes that a person wishes to control and dominant by taking
the upper position forcing the other person’s palm down into a subordinate position. The palm down
orientation is similar to placing the hand on the shoulder, which a boss might do to an intern to keep
him in his place or a father might do to his son to settle him down. Conversely, the palm up offering
shows a desire to submit since the hand is passively turned over allowing someone else to dominate
them. Finally, the palm even or vertical is an attempt to build a cooperative, egalitarian relationship and
shows a desire to produce a positive relationship.

The most universally appropriate orientation for the handshake is to have palms even and vertical,
especially on a first meeting. Handshakes set the tone for the rest of the relationship though, and are
often the only time two people will ever touch, so sometimes we might use alternate orientations
depending on the goals we seek. A palm down technique can be used against a more subordinate
individual to keep them in their place, and due to their lower rank, would tolerate it, perhaps even

expect it. Anyone lower in the food chain is fair game for the palm down technique, although, I still
recommend that people try to show their desire for equality from others rather than trying to show
dominance. A boss will rarely tolerate the palm down maneuver from a subordinate. You may notice a
strong visceral reaction from handshake jousting as it were, so heed these tips with caution. Pulling off
dominance type handshakes usually amounts to not much more than negative feelings and makes others
feel uncomfortable rather than making them feel subordinate as intended. If you really wish to
dominate and control people than using territorial displays, invading people’s space and using strong
eye language is much more permitted and effective.

It is common for people in equally powerful positions to jockey for the upper hand. Failing to show
dominance through nonverbal means in the workplace can be disastrous when one intends to rise in the
ranks. When performing the palm down handshake it is not necessary to thrust your arm forward with
palm perfectly parallel with the ground. Doing so might even make the handshake impossible or
confusing to your counterpart because it can be mistaken for some other gesture. Instead, move the
hand forward with a slight downward angle such that it forces their hand to meet and rotate upwards.
Once hands meet don’t try to twist, instead maintain the same angle and begin your two to three pumps.
For best results always be sure to hold eye contact while shaking hands, smile slightly, use good but not
excessive pressure and leaning forward slightly to convey extra interest.

It might seem that the palm-up orientation has no place at all in the handshake world, but this is not so.
It can be used to placate higher authorities in order to demonstrate your desire to please them. Such is
the case when a boss of much higher status meets an employee low in the ranks. The palm up shows
that he is keen to keep his job and doesn’t present any threat. Someone who has crossed the line at
work and is facing reprimand is best suited to at least feign his intent to set the record straight. There
will be times too, that it is unfeasible to reverse the palm down technique which can cause very
negative feelings so going with the flow is the second best course of action. To initiate a more equal
relationship, despite taking up a palm-up orientation, you can add additional pressure at the beginning
of the handshake which shows that you aren’t a complete pushover. This tells others nonverbally that
you deserve a second look and that you aren’t interested in sucking up.

Duration and pressure are two other very important aspects of a good handshake. A handshake that is
too short indicates lack of interest, warmth and enthusiasm, whereas a handshake that is of proper
duration shows interest, attention and empathy. However, if the length of time increases much more
than ordinary, the positive characteristics quickly vanish only to be replaced by negative ones. When
handshakes last too long they aren’t usually aggressively protested, but your partner may seem to
pulling back or away slightly. The greatest damage to over-shaking will be seen in their impression of
you and will be carried forward possibly creating problems later on. The handshake is usually the first
time two people touch and so is an important gesture in our first impressions, and because touch
happens so rarely handshakes become etched in our minds.

Pressure and duration testing are great ways to decide if, or how strongly, someone will resist your
authority. During the handshake add more pressure and increase the length of your handshake, if it’s
not met with additional pressure or is met with an attempt to pull away, you can be fairly certain that
your demands will be met with little resistance.
If pulling away does happen, check to see how it is done because this can be indicative of the method
and strength by which people use to cause issues later on. If the attempt is weak or ineffective, than
there is a good chance resistance will appear in hidden forms later on, but if they pull back confidently
you can expect an open battle.

We can also tell a lot about a person by the texture of their hand. A skilled tradesmen who works
fulltime building houses will have callused hands, whereas a lawyer would not. Sometimes a mixture
of the two is present as is the case with the lawyer who runs a hobby carpentry outfit on his weekends.

So while we can use hand features to determine congruencies, we also must exercise some caution.
Regardless, hands, their strength and character can give away some tells about a person and their habits
so while we are at it, meaning shaking hands, we might as well collect these cues as they may come in
“handy” in the future.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Types Of Bad Handshakes

The handshake is a very common greeting gesture performed all around the world and up until recently
the style with which they were delivered was anecdotally believe to predict personality traits the people
who did them. Does the “bone crusher” or “wet fish” handshaker really convey that a person is
aggressive or timid? Research conducted in 2000 by Dr. William Chaplin from the University of
Alabama set out to get some facts straight about what the handshake really means. He found one
hundred twelve students to be a part of his study but kept the purpose of it a secrete. They were simply
told there were four parts to the experiment, and they’d be dismissed and welcomed to each part with a
handshake in addition to other formalities. Four of the researchers, two men and two women were
trained for a month on how to perform certain handshakes.

The researchers had students stand next to smaller rooms and as they entered they greeted them by
shaking their hand and then proceeded into the room to fill out a questionnaire. The researchers found
that a firm handshake was related to extroversion and emotional expressiveness rather than shyness and
neuroticism. Women were also rated as more open to experiences when they used a firm handshake.
The results show that our handshakes reveal a lot about our personalities. Women with strong
handshakes can equalize themselves alongside men in the workplace and bring more favourable initial
ratings from others. While an assertive attitude can be considered “pushy” especially in women, a firm
handshake is an acceptable technique to show confidence without appearing too aggressive. According
to Dr. Chaplin a firm handshake is a safe place for women to show their dominance in the workplace.
They also happen automatically, we don’t consciously think about them and therefore we don’t often
realize how good or bad our handshake really is. However, this also means we can tell a lot about
people from how they shake hands because, chances are, it’s what occurs naturally to them. While men
overall have firmer handshakes, the study shows us that women can level the ground simply by
stepping up their firmness.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

My Little Handshake Experiment

In effort to research a better handshake I shook hands with a door to door salesman (against my
primary instincts), my ex-employer, my father and brother in-law, my dentist, a lawyer, my accountant,
my wife’s boss, my friends wife, my new tenants and thirty other potential tenants that came for a look,
a real estate agent and his brother, a doctor, a university professor, a banker, my mortgage broker, a
waiter and two new guys that showed up for poker night. In that time I’ve had just about everything
imaginable done to my hand. It was twisted, crushed, pulled, slapped and rotated and lovingly held. My
arm was hugged, pushed, rigorously pumped and yanked practically out of its socket.

From what little research exists on handshakes, the conclusion is that most people aren’t aware of what

they are doing when they shake hands and so don’t know how their handshakes appear to others. The
next time you get a chance, ask others what they thought of your handshake. Perhaps you carry some of
the following traits in your handshake unintentionally.

Here’s a breakdown of the various bad handshakes that I have, and that you (hopefully won’t)
experience:

1. The death grip
2. The cold dead wet fish
3. The limp fish
4. Short grabber/finger grabber
5. Stiff arm and trust forward
6. Wrench forward controller
7. Arm twister
8. Over pumper
9. Double gripper politician
10. The teacup
11. The undershaker
12. The oddball

The death grip 1: Those that employ a macho bone crushing grip have aggressive personalities and
intend to try to dominant you from the start and while this is true, the origins of this handshake and
personality usually lies in insecurity that fosters a need to prove himself at every instant. It says “I have
the power over you and can cause you pain if I so desire.” They have no regard for how others perceive
them and use pain to put people in their place. Rings on the fingers can make matters even worse, and I
think they know it! You can put these people in their place by verbalizing your pain, and drawing other
people’s attention to it jokingly. Most people wont have enough confidence to be vocal about it, which
is how the death gripper gets his power, but if done properly can make others laugh and set yourself
apart.

Instead of using bone crushing force, use moderate pressure and when in doubt match the pressure
given by the other person to signify a desire for cooperation. If you wish to set the tempo in a
relationship, then deliver only slightly more pressure than them. When applying for a job, a bone
crushing handshake should be avoided at all costs. You do not want to send a dominant or hostile
message to your potential boss.

The cold dead wet fish 2: The dead wet fish is another particularly disgusting handshake and it portrays
negative emotions to anyone that receives it. Nervousness causes sweat or even a cold drink that is
condensing causes our hands to become damp and clammy which is a turnoff to others who receive this
nasty treat. Sometimes the hands simply sweat continuously and uncontrollably from a medical
condition called hyperhidrosis which affects about five percent of the population. If you are meeting a
large amount of people, as in a cocktail party, holding a drink in the left hand, rather than the right, is a
good practice to keep it properly aired out and dry. Storing a napkin in the pocket can also help in
wiping your hands discreetly before handshakes, but even absent of a napkin, wiping them on the
inside of the leg inside a pant pocket can serve the trick. Women who usually lack attire with pockets
can lightly wipe their hands on their clothing discretely, use a napkin that holds food, or better yet or
make a few trips to the washroom if the problem is particularly severe. Keeping the hands out of your
pockets is good advice too, since the added heat and moisture will only make matters worse. Sometime
moisture issues are unavoidable and rather than dwelling on them raising anxiety further, it is better to
focus on aspects that are more controllable such as pressure and connectivity.

The limp fish 3: The flaw in the limp fish handshake is that it has far too little pressure – the handshake

has “no bones.” It can be so ineffective it is as though one is shaking the hand of a five-year-old and
usually comes from people who are ill at ease with shaking hands and touching in general. The limp
fish handshake comes from people who submit the handshake ritual but who find the handshake as a
violation of their personal space. The credibility of this handshake is very low and makes people think
that you are shy or timid, lack masculinity and interest, confidence, leadership or have poor people
skills. You are far less likely to gain employment for positions requiring dominant traits such as
management. Men also might resort to the limp fish when shaking hands with women, but this is a
mistake. Today, women expect the same treatment that men do, so give them the respect they deserve
and don’t let up, give a good firm handshake. When shaking hands always try to match grip pressure to
the other person unless of course they have a weak handshake. If that’s the case, apply slightly more
pressure, there is no need to overdue it. If you really wish to send a submissive handshake you can do
so by letting up slightly, but be careful not to seem like a push-over.

Short grabber/finger grabber 4: Someone that grabs your fingers rather than your entire hand is trying
to keep you at your distance and also put you in your place. Short grabbers are usually insecure but
often try to hide this by coming off as dominant. If they add a crushing action in addition to the finger
tip grab they are trying to send and even stronger message by displaying their physical power over you.
Crushing is used to put a bit of fear into their partners so as to dismiss the likelihood of any future
challenge against them. If by chance you accidentally grab the fingers of someone else which can
happen when men shake hands with women, you can vocally suggest doing the handshake over again.
A simple “sorry, that didn’t quite work, let’s give it another go” will suffice. This will show that you are
concerned about starting off on the right foot to properly set the tone for the relationship.

Stiff arm and thrust forward 5: The stiff arm thrust forward happens when someone grabs your hand
then pushes you backwards putting you off balance. It’s a common occurrence for those trying to
maintain their distance. Take for example a city slicker and a country farmer who meet for the first
time. The farmer might accept the handshake even though a wave would be more appropriate for their
comfort and to keep his space will push his arm forward shoving the city slicker back. This sort of
handshake can happen anytime a person requires more space than their partner and this isn’t always
people from the country.

Wrench forward 6: Unlike the thrust forward, the wrench forward handshaker will pull people into their
personal space. This is done by people who require less personal space. It happens during a normal
handshake except that a person pulls sharply toward them forcing you off balance and moving you into
their personal space. People who shakes hands in this way are trying to control the other person by
moving them into their personal space against their will. They feel that they can influence them more
efficiently by making them uncomfortable. They are also setting the other person off balance making
them unable to properly respond. Another variation exists too where someone might pull you forward
toward a chair, or move you to one side of the room as they desire. Someone that shakes hands like this
is trying to set the tone for the relationship by controlling where you move next. Obviously, this is a
sign that they want to dominate you.

Arm twister 7: The arm twister happens like any other normal handshake except that part way through
the hand is twisted underneath into the submissive palm up position. Someone who does this is
absolutely committed to being on top. Sometimes a dominant handshaker will also offer their palm
facing upwards almost vertically making it nearly impossible to gain the upper hand position. An arm
twister is someone that wants to dominate the relationship from the start, so your tactics should be
adjusted accordingly. In future encounters, attempts should be made to rotate the palm back to an even,
vertical position.

Over pumper 8: This guy thinks handshakes are like pulling water from a well. Your arm is not only
vigorously pumped up and down and with force, but it’s done more than what anyone would call

normal. Three pumps is recommended and usual, but up to seven can still be acceptable. However,
more than ten or fifteen is getting excessive and the pumping action should never seem out of ordinary
or particularly violent.

Double gripper politician 9: The double gripper where both hands are used to sandwich the other
persons hand is the “politician’s handshake”. It’s an intimate handshake but in the wrong company can
be taken as insincere and create negative feelings for the same reason it creates positive feelings when
used by politicians – because it breaks privacy boundaries. Politicians and celebrities and other high
status people are afforded greater luxuries than the rest of the population, which is why we tolerate and
even encourage them to kiss our babies! However, even in politicians, touching is carefully calculated
and practiced. The double handshake happens when the right hand’s join followed by the left hand
placed (almost) lovingly over the right hand as if to form a glove. The higher up is the placement of the
hand, the more intimate. We would only use this once a strong relationship has been formed to show
affection or a deep desire to make amen’s. It might also be used to strike a particularly lucrative deal
that both parties feel will greatly help each other. In everyday use, the double grip handshake has little
place and instead of conveying positive emotions arouses suspicion and doubt. Other forms of touching
during a handshake include the elbow, shoulder, upper arm or the wrist. These are fairly advanced ways
of shaking hands and reserved for more aggressive and experienced handshakers. The higher up the
touching occurs, the more intimate it is so can appear as a personal space invasion. The shoulder grip is
the most intense form of intimacy used during handshakes and should be used only with those you have
a strong emotional tie.

Secondary to the double gripper politician but not a category onto itself is a handshake that happens as
normal except the inside of the wrist is stroked with the index finger during the hand shake pump. If
this happens to you, you’re bound to feel shocked, as are most people as it was by design. This person
is trying to evoke a visceral feeling in you that they have the upper hand and can do as they please.
Think of the wrist tickler as a nonverbal way to assault but that is so subtle that no one else will notice
except the person experiencing it. Be very weary of folks that try this handshake on you as they are
definitely playing psychological mind games and may try to pull a fast one on you.

The teacup 10: This handshake is conducted like any other good handshake except that the palm is
cupped such that it makes no contact with the other palm. Someone that shakes hands like this is either
shy or insecure, doesn’t want to fully bond or is trying to hide something. These people might take
more time to open up and fully reveal their true selves to others. Take your time with them and give
them lots space to open up and instead of bantering on endlessly give them an open platform to express
themselves.

The undershaker 11: This handshake is so quick, it’s actually offensive. It lasts merely seconds where
the hand is quickly grabbed then released or tossed aside. Sometimes it even lacks any pumping action
at all. Someone who shakes hands like this is showing indifference and suspicion, perhaps they feel you
are trying to sell them something they aren’t at all interested in. Other times they are trying to signal
that you are intruding on their ground and that no agreement will be made. It’s probably best to respect
their wishes, as their initial impression shows that you have come on far too strong. Other times the
undershaker resides in an area where physical contact isn’t normal and they aren’t used to shaking
hands so don’t know how to properly handle it.

The Oddball 12: This is the sort of handshake your teenage son or daughter comes home with in effort
to confusing the heck out of you! It’s the handshake that has you saying “You do what with what, then
what?!?” It often includes bumps, slaps, flicks and clicks. This is a fine handshake amongst casual
friends, but please avoid this on a job interview or with other employees. It does however, display a
relaxed atmosphere and has its place to form intimate friendships and bonds.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Thwarting Dominant Handshakes

Simply trying to reverse the wrist when present palm down is very risky, sometimes impossible and
also make your intentions obvious. Instead use the step to the right technique outline by Dr. David
Lewis in his book The Secret Language Of Success. It is done first by stepping forward toward the
person with the left foot. This will feel unnatural when shaking with the right hand as the tendency is to
step forward with the right foot. Next, step forward with the right foot and move across and in front of
the person to their left side. In the process, rotate your palm downward to even your wrist with theirs
and complete the maneuver by moving your right foot across.

This technique is especially important if you wish to thwart the power plays of a particularly prominent
palm up hand-shaker and wish to send a strong signal of authority back. To send an even stronger
message or if it’s impossible to make complete the full maneuver, authority can be given by invading
their personal space. Short gripping the hand and grabbing the fingers can also be effective if you do
not which to entertain them at all, and the most brazen of moves, includes grabbing the top of their
wrist and shaking it with your palm. The normal reaction will be shock and surprise but your message
will be loud and clear. To counter the right hand technique, which if you are following is the counter to
the counter, is to hold the arm rigid and bracing it against your side and holding the person away from
your body. Eye contact during these moves can add even more strength. Great care must be exercised
with these handshakes as they can often escalate hostility, however, at times they are necessary to assert
your position and rank within your company.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Handshake Advice For Women And Men With
Small Hands

While you might think it has little effect, a firm handshake from a woman where it might be least
expected, can be very powerful and get them noticed. In fact, to this day, I still recall the first woman
that impressed me with her handshake and the exact location in which it occurred, and this was nearly
ten years ago!

Women with good handshakes and dominant body language will have a better chance of securing more
important roles in corporations such as supervisors and managers, and get to these positions much
faster. To avoid having their entire hand enveloped by a man’s, women should thrust their entire hand
forward holding the thumb at ninety degrees to their palm with the hand in a perfectly vertical position.
Next, thrust the hand forward aiming the web, which is the skin located between the thumb and index
finger so that it aligns with the web of his hand. To some degree this prevents the larger hand from fully
engulfing the smaller hand as is when hands are only weakly thrust forward, or not thrust at all. In these
cases, the small handed person usually ends up with their finger tips being crushed by the mitts of the
larger hand!

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Handshake Conclusion

It’s obvious to most that the extremities of the handshakers are most undesirable with the middle
ground making the best impressions. Most people would have experienced at least five of the ten types
of handshakes listed here, hopefully being spared of the most traumatic, that is, the ones that cause pain
such as the bone crusher or death grip. The worse I’ve ever endured was a combination of a short
grabber combined with a bone crusher. Whenever I meet this person I tried to trust forward to get as
much finger into this persons hand as possible or try to avoid the handshake altogether! Women also
seem to be particularly prone to thrusting just their fingers forward and in turn receive an
unwelcomingly firm handshake by a clutch of fingers and palms wrapped around their little fingers.
They’d be best served to keep their fingers together and thrust the whole lot forward instead of just the
tips.

Ingredients of a good handshake includes raising your hand when about three feet away from the other
person, keeping your hand vertical with the thumb pointing upwards, making a firm grip of the other
person’s hand, shaking web-to-web rather then finger to web, maintain eye contact and shaking for a
maximum of three times then letting go. A firm handshake gives the impression of quiet confidence and
says that “I’m happy to meet you” yet portrays a person as having a no “non-sense” attitude. As the
other person releases their grip pressure be sure to let go of their hand rather than holding on for longer
than necessary. Holding the hand at the completion of the handshake can convey added emphasis and
intimacy, but it is also risky. This is especially important in business where first impressions can often
set the tone for the entire relationship. Fortunately handshakes are learned behaviours and not inherent
making it easily corrected when the proper formula is adopted.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Power Sitting For Women – What To Do, What
To Avoid

Women in the workplace are always walking a thin line between their sexuality and authority. Women
all know that their looks can be used to manipulate others around them, especially men, however
physical attractiveness in the workplace has been repeatedly shown to lead others to dismiss women’s
thoughts. However, one way women can combat this and still maintain their sexuality is as follows: sit
with legs crossed leg over knee and have the high heel pointed horizontally at someone they wish to
intimidate. Most dominant cues that work for men, such as the full body steeple, are ineffective when
used by women. However, the heel is something men don’t have so it doesn’t come across as being a
typically dominant male gesture. The heel acts like a dagger against its prey and neutralizes it. The
posture shows assertiveness and that she is willing and able to emasculate men.

One sitting position women should particularly avoid is sitting with arms up and behind the head in the
full steeple position as mentioned. This posture has the effect of putting the breasts on full display
which counteracts any dominant aspects it might otherwise impart. Even having the legs crossed in the
figure four looks odd when performed by women. A crotch display is not effective for women as it is
for men, so it should be eliminated altogether. Hand steepling is another gender neutral dominance
stance and can be used with effectiveness. Women want to pick up cues that suite their overall

personality without putting people off. Assertive women often described as “bitchy” to others, usually
because they take things too far. Women seeking powerful positions often think they need to go over-
the-top because the fear being discounted. However, this isn’t so, and like men, need to balance being
dominant and “mean” and demonstrating leadership qualities.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Appearing Masculine – Power Dressing Advice
For Women

Our dress conveys a lot about who we are and what we intend to do. At work, our dress is even more
significant. We could never pull off evening wear at work, and work-wear makes us appear uptight at a
club. One of the most significant factors at work for women, is their sexuality. Unfortunately, what
gives women power to arouse in clubs, will make them appear insignificant at work. Studies have
shown that when women dress overtly sexual they are taken far less seriously and, not surprisingly, are
even objectified by others. This isn’t just a male chauvinism problem either, as women in the
workplace will also tend to take women who dress sexy less seriously even talking about them behind
their backs.

In a study by Sandra Forsythe of Miami University in 1984 it was found that subjects rated theoretical
applicants more favourably when they whore more masculine clothing regardless of their sex
Masculine clothing was significant in forming positive opinions about forcefulness, self reliance,
dynamism, aggressiveness, decisiveness and received a much greater likelihood of recommendation to
be hired. While women don’t need to appear stiff, by wearing tie, pants and jackets, like men, they do
need to downplay their sexuality especially with respect to their attire.

In the workplace masculinity is the dominant factor. For women, a suite tailored in the style of men to
square the body off is a good place to start. This doesn’t exclude tailored curves though, exposing some
femininity but it does mean avoiding cleavage. Despite the common misconception, short skirts and
high heels might command more attention, but it won’t be the kind of attention that invites promotions.
Darker colours can signify a power position, but if the desire is to appear more social than lighter
brighter colours can be appropriate. White is associated with honesty and purity which is why we see
doctors and estheticians wear it, and black is associated with intellect, expertise and authority. Make-up
should be subtle or go unnoticed or if the attire is subdued can be more elaborate to trace the magical
boundary between sexuality and femininity. The key message is to downplay gender signals and play
up asexuality. Being either too masculine or too feminine are reported much less favourably at work in
studies so be sure to blend both and find a happy medium that works for you.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Leaning And Ready Language In The Office
And Elsewhere

We show attentiveness and also readiness, meaning a preparedness to take action by leaning toward the
speaker, or things we want to get closer to, and away from speakers, or things we want to avoid.
“Things” in the sentence previous can mean anything from proposals, ideas, opinions, decisions or
anything else for that matter. This “ready posture” is akin to the sprinters ready position at the starting
blocks and is called an “intention movement” because it tells us what someone wishes to do. The hands
are placed on the legs or knees and the body leans forward ready to spring up and close a deal, or any
other action that is being presented. It can also be done by placing the hands on the chair, arm rest or
hands on the knees. While standing, the ready position is taken up by placing the hands on the hips.
The eyes can also play a role in ready language as they make frequent and repetitive ganders to where a
person is thinking, or where they would like to be.

In a business meeting or on a sales call, the ready position indicates that it’s time to stop talking and
time to start closing, and that any agreement related to the conversation previous is likely to be
accepted. Leaning forward not only means readiness, it sometimes means general interest. For
example, a conversation taking place between friends containing some juicy gossiping or with an
enthralling storyline, will have each party up “at the edge of their seats” and engaged in the
conversation seemingly hanging onto every word. Other times, leaning language means that someone is
late and needs to leave, or is bored and ready to go. The opposite position, meaning backwards leaning
shows the reverse. It shows a detachment from the topic or from the speaker but can also indicate a
high degree of comfort or relaxation where someone wishes not to leave. To uncover the true meaning
behind leaning it will be a matter of tracking down additional cues to produce a cluster, and then
matching this cluster with the context. The torso, however, is a great place to look to uncover where
someone wants to go; it usually points directly to it.

A final ready posture that tells us someone wants to leave happens by propping the body up and coiling
the legs underneath in a seated position. Uncrossing the legs and getting them underneath the weight of
the body, shows body language readers that someone is ready to pick themselves up. This type of body
language is a “leading gesture” because it is a predictor of what is about to happen. The body can also
be tensed up or fidget so as to ready itself even more, and be moving away from what would normally
be perceived to be the centre of attention. When people want to leave, their body begins to lean toward
the exit, but even if their torso’s don’t, their feet will betray them by being extended forward.
Additional ready gestures include straightening clothing, arranging or organizing papers, grabbing bags
and so forth. These last cues, like the others, indicate an effort to get things going.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Leadership Body Language

Holding dominant body language is like a wedge that holds the door open between levels at your work.
When new employees arrive in our companies, even if just a junior level employee, everyone
instinctively classifies them. They are either leaders or followers from the start, but it’s not just
“something” about them, something mystical or intangible, it is plain and simple, it is their body

language that tells us their future roles. We know right away if they will fit into the company, be fired,
or come out as future “top dogs.” The research shows us that if you don’t hold dominant body
language, you’ll never be promoted to leadership roles. Leaders aren’t usually able to talk their way up
a hierarchy, although sometimes they do, and it ends up causing remorse and conflict from lower
ranking employees because they lack the respect that comes with dominance and leadership seeming to
emanate from certain people. So if you want to get higher in your company here are some tips.

First, increase your height through better posture. Hold your head higher and whenever you can exploit
high differences, do it. If everyone is sitting, stand, but don’t make everyone feel uncomfortable by
towering over them. If you have split levels, stand on the top level and keep everyone else on the lower
rug. Find excuses to stand by volunteering to draw out plans on a board when brainstorming. This gives
you two advantages, the first of which is the height advantage where you can tower over your follow
employees and the second is more strategic. By being the chalkboard secretary, you become the person
that everyone defers to for idea acceptance, while having the freedom to add any ideas yourself as
desired without needing approval. Second to exploiting height differences, is breadth expansions.
Meaning, one should try to appear bigger by taking up more space. Not only should you spread out
your legs and arms, but you should also spread out your papers, pens and other artifacts. Taking up
space is a way to own more of it, and is a strong signal of dominance.

Your gaze should be serious and direct, with your head held high. Don’t be afraid to use touch, but
touch only in safe zones such as the arm between the hand and elbow, the elbow itself and sometimes
the shoulders but only with caution. If you can get away with shoulder or back touches, do so, but pay
attention to the reaction is creates so as not to insult others. Always try to be the first to speak and be
the “go-to-guy” for questions and opinions. It is therefore important to be helpful, task oriented, and
sincerely try to do a good job. Avoid smiling too much especially if you are a woman, as this can be
taken as submission or placation. A neutral face is more appropriate during high tension situation so
fight the urge to smile nervously and only nod in agreement with statements you really agree with. In
other words, don’t smile and nod while expressing negative ideas as it only serves to confuse others,
and can make people think you are weak and easily manipulated. Keep your body language in tune
with your verbal words and don’t be afraid to cast judgments on solutions you feel are inappropriate.
Conversely use encouragement when deserved and back it up with genuine body language.

While body language alone won’t guarantee a raise in dominance, it’s a good first step. The next part of
the process is an attitude overhaul while remaining consistent. A word of caution is a must. If you are
working within an existing environment where your behaviour will be monitored throughout the
process rather than entering a novel environment where people have no baseline to compare you to, be
prepared for some resistance. Understand that you are sure to cause resentment, which might create a
desire to undermine you, but the last thing you need in your quest for a higher rank are lower dissenters
so always treat others with the respect they deserve – even if they don’t deserve it! Upward movement
while others stagnant, can be perceived as a threat, create animosity, and more than likely bread
challenges. Your task to leadership will be to meet these challenges with consistent and unwavering
body language.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

How To Handle The Type Of Bosses: Autocratic,
Democratic And Laissez-Faire

To properly understand your boss you must first classify them. There are three broad categories most
bosses fit into, they are autocratic, democratic and laissez-faire. The fact of the matter, is that we
usually like our bosses (as with all people) when our body language compliments theirs. When we
match, we feel like we naturally connect with them. However, if our styles clash we feel awkward or
uncomfortable and feel like we constantly have to self-monitor. Here is a breakdown of the different
types of bosses and how to handle them.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Autocratic

We can tell if our boss autocratic if they are attached to the status artifacts around them. Their desk will
be used as a barrier protecting them from intruders, they will have cleaver title markings on their desk
or door, and usually have trophies or accolades on their walls. Their dress will be formal and expensive
and their posture will be rigid and straight. Friendliness is the foe of the autocratic boss so he will keep
you at arms length, keep conversations on task and hold expressionless faces. If you get out of line, he
will use his body language to put you back in your place with harsh voice tones and eye contact. Often
autocratic bosses are seen as unloving, unfriendly or inhumane. To get along with him, use body
language that doesn’t undermine his status, allow him to maintain his power, never enter his personal
space or move to his side of the desk without permission, don’t interrupt him, smile pleasantly, and
keep conversations brief so as not to waste his time.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Democratic

The second type of employer is the democratic boss. Democratic bosses are most often female and their
most popular sentiment is to make others feel welcome and comfortable. They will try to build personal
relationships and welcome new ideas and thoughts to the conversation. Their office will have informal
meeting places and the door will ‘always be open’. Other signals of the democratic leader, is her desire
to build rapport, she’ll come to speak with someone instead of writing out orders on paper, she’ll be
encouraging and touch more frequently. To work with this type of boss, mirror their language. Use
open body language when she does, and feel free to chat with her when necessary. Avoid thinking that
she desires and equal relationship though and overstep the employee-employer relationship. Allow her
the control and respect she deserves, and give her the chance to speak first and most often. The rules of
engagement are still the same for all bosses.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Laissez-faire

The final type of boss is the laissez-faire type. The words “laissez-faire” is French for “let be”.
Literally, this boss will give an employee free reign, or seemingly so. They have confidence in the
ability of others to do a good job, and check in only occasionally to measure progress. This boss will be
relaxed and not status conscious, they will try to avoid others as much as possible to afford them the
room and space they need to work. They might be friendly, but lack eye contact and expression so as
not to become involved with others and take them off task. To work well with this boss, use confident
and independent body language. Give off signals that you are working efficiently and are coping with
any project given to you. Keep meetings short, update them of your progress every so often, then get
back to work.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Job Interview Body Language

More than anything else during a job interview is the overall impression you leave with your
prospective employer. Your credentials including your resume and even what you say will all be long
forgotten minutes after you leave the interviewer’s office. They may recall certain things you said, but
they won’t key in on them specifically. Instead the interviewer will key in on how you said them. In
fact, most studies agree that job interviews are a fairly unproductive affair, as how you are rated, and
whether or not you are hired, has more to do with how much you are liked by the interviewer than any
other factor.

Body language during an interview is simple. All that is required of you is to convey that you are
competent, qualified and most importantly, that you will fit in with the current company’s structure
without causing problems. This raises a common misconception about job interviews which says that
standing out from the other applicants is the goal, but in reality, fitting in should be your primary
objective. The following are some tips to taking a proper interview.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Before You Get There

Some advanced preparation can help you match or mirror the language of the office. Choosing dress
that fits into the workplace is common knowledge, so it’s not necessary to cover this at lengths, suffice
it to say that you should try to wear attire that is much like what current employees are already wearing
except if it includes scrubs or overalls. In most cases a cleanly pressed suite for men is appropriate,
whereas women should wear something professional yet asexual.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

When You First Arrive

When you first arrive remove your outerwear and hang it up if possible. Try to make it seem like you
belong and already fit in. When you are waiting, take notes. Have a look at the secretary and her dress
and look around at others. How are they dressed? Are they casual or dressed formally. This can tell you
a lot about the office’s standards of conduct. Is the office busy or quiet? Get into this framework and
picture yourself there. If there is any information or company accolades on the wall, read them, and
mentally make notes as you can potentially use them in your interview. If possible, remain standing in
the waiting room, so as not to go unnoticed. Don’t fidget, instead remain relaxed with authoritarian
postures such as the military man with hand in hand behind the back trying not to appear closed.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Your Entry

When asked to come in, move in swiftly but not quickly, take your time, but don’t be wasteful of others
either. Maintain a steady pace into the office and note what the interviewer is doing. If they are still
playing with papers take even more time so they can take a good look at you. Once seated half of your
body will be covered by a desk so this is the second to last chance you have to being remembered. If
they are ready for you allow them to indict to you where you should sit. If they are busy, then put down
your briefcase and make eye contact. If they are still on the phone or doing other things, take a seat and
allow them to get ready. When they are set, they will usually shake your hand. If they don’t, then make
the effort to shake theirs. It sometimes happens that we don’t shake hands because we “don’t like the
looks of someone” but perhaps it is due to having had a long day interviewing so we wouldn’t want to
let an opportunity to provide a good handshake slip us by. After you shake hands, if you haven’t
already, immediately take a seat instead of towering over them.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

During The Interview

Don’t be thrown off by the office set-up, as it might be created to put you at a disadvantage. For
example, the chair provided for you might be shorter than the interviewees and a large desk might
separate you from them. Don’t concern yourself with this, as everyone else will be viewed with the
same conditions. Try your best to seem comfortable in whatever position you happen to be in. Keep
your legs uncrossed and flat on the floor with your hands in your lap. Keep your back straight and head
up and lean toward the interviewer slightly. Always hit on the averages, not too much and not too little.
This goes for everything, appear relaxed, but not too relaxed, use gestures, but not too often and so
forth. If the interviewer seems uptight, don’t try to loosen them up with jokes or banter but if they seem
personable, or in the mood, it can be advantageous to discuss interests and hobbies. Office photographs
can be great links to common interests to help build rapport. If a direct question is asked, answer
directly, don’t appear to waste time with the interviewer. Try your best to maintain flow between the
communication style of the interviewer and yourself. If they speak quickly, don’t try to keep up, but

don’t lag behind either. It’s always better to speak a little bit slower and more confidently than speaking
faster than your mind can think.

Maintain good eye contact while speaking and while listening allow for some periods when eye contact
is broken. Never cut off the interviewer and offer plenty of cues that you understand what is being said.
Speak slowly and confidently and never more than thirty seconds at a time. Nods and approval sounds
such as “mhum” makes the interviewer know that you comprehend what is being said and the research
shows us that this is important even for high status individuals. If you are genuinely confused by what
is said tilt your head to the side to make a query face. If this body language doesn’t yield clarifying
information from the interviewer, then ask to hear the information again, as it shows that you are
keenly interested in learning more about the work.

To measure your success throughout the interview watch for eye contact, smiling and nodding. The
research show us that successful applicants get twice as much eye contact, three times more smiling
and twice as much head nodding as unsuccessful ones. Use this information to build your confidence or
to ramp up your pitch if things aren’t going well.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Gestures

Never gesture too much because subconsciously it will appear that we are at a loss for words. Don’t
restrict gestures either, as they will make us seem uptight and will inhibit our speech flow and always
return your hands to your lap after each bout of movement. High status individuals use gestures much
less than low status individuals so keep your gestures deliberate, clear and meaningful. If possible and
appropriate, mirror the subtle gestures of your interviewer to try to build rapport. The more similar you
can make them think you are to them, the more confident they will be in your ability to do the job and
fit in.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Your Exit

When prompted that the interview is over take your time in packing your things, rather than rushing to
leave. Don’t loiter either though, just make it clear that you aren’t in such an awkward position that you
need to quickly exit. Shake hands again if possible and clear up any last questions that you might have.
The interviewer will likely let you know how and when the interview process will be finalized. Make
your exit deliberate as you did your entry.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Reading Buy Signals

No matter what your occupation, we are all in the business of selling. If we aren’t selling a particular
product, we’re selling ourselves! Most good salesmen agree that almost every form of sales includes
the selling of oneself and when people buy, they usually buy us and not the merchandise. This is why
it’s important to know when we are on the right track during a sales call. Buying signals include
indicators that tell us that someone is not only ready to buy an item, but can also mean that they are
ready to sign a deal, offer us a job, create a partnership or forge practically any other agreement. Let’s
look at some of the ways we know when someone is about to commit to buying so we can tone down
or stop our pitch altogether in favour of closing out. Pitching passed the point where a decision is made
is always unnecessary, but sometimes even disastrous because we may end up saying something extra
to take them out of the buying mood. So here are the various signals we should watch for during a sales
pitch.

Eye contact: During the pitch process a buyer will sometimes try to feign disinterest (or might actually
be disinterested) but as someone readies to buy, they increase eye contact.

Moving in: Buyers will shrink the distance between them and the seller usually by leaning inward, or if
standing, by moving in closer. Translation – they don’t want the deal to slip away.

Touching the chin: Touching the chin is a powerful signal showing thought, and if seen along with
accompanying buy-signals, closing should be attempted.

Greater relaxation: Tension is heavy during negotiations, but as demands are met and agreements
created, a sudden release of tension from the body indicates that your client is prepared to accept the
deal and is okay with its terms.

Any reversal of these signals, midstream or a lack of buy-signals shows that a buyer is not yet ready to
purchase. With what we have covered throughout this book, it should be obvious from their body
language, the reason they withhold the sale. If possible, addressing concerns as you go through hints in
their body language, but if you miss them and get hung up put the ball in their court by asking them
what needs addressing. This is only a fail-safe tactic since in most cases, as we have seen people give
off plenty of solid clues to negative thought patterns.

Chapter 14 - Office Body Language

Summary – Chapter 14

In this chapter we examined body language as it relates to business. We learned that we can signal the
desire to help in a sales environment without developing friendship by first identifying the type of
consumer they are. There are four types of consumer; they are clients who prefer to help themselves,
the friendly client who is looking to chat and build rapport before deciding on what to buy, the follower
who will want the salesperson to take charge and the dominator who wants to stare clerks down and
remains suspicious of their motives. We also learned ways of dealing with each type of client.

Next we covered how people prefer to orient themselves while speaking and found regional
differences. For example, Americans will speak at forty-five degree angles to each other, but Arabic
cultures will speak so close their faces nearly touch. We then covered handshake techniques and types

and found that there are three main handshake orientations; palm down (superiority), palm up
(submissive) and palm even (equality) and also the ways to deal with them. We summarized a good
handshake as having just the right pressure and duration but that it should vary depending on whom
you are shaking hands with. We learned that firm handshakes versus “limp” handshakes can equalize
women and men in the workplace and supported this with research that tied firm handshakes to
extroversion and emotional expressiveness rather than shyness and neuroticism. We then covered the
various handshakes one might encounter and provided visually accurate names for them. They were the
death grip, the cold dead wet fish, the limp fish, short grabber/finger grabber, stiff arm and trust
forward, wrench forward controller, arm twister, over pumper, double gripper politician, the teacup, the
undershaker and the oddball.

We then explained how to thwart dominant handshakes particularly the palm down presentation with
the step to the right technique, as well as the various other techniques to send particular messages based
on your particular handshake partner and intention. We gave women a sequence by which to follow to
impress men in the workplace by keeping the hand perfectly vertical, thrusting forward and aiming to
meet web to web, the skin between index and thumb. We then gave women some advice to maintain
sexuality without appearing unintelligent, one of which included the heels to neutralize prey, the others
included avoiding the figure four sitting position and the full body steeple. We also found that women
should appear masculine in their attire, yet retain curves, but not cleavage.

Next we covered readiness and attentiveness body language which includes the sprinting positions or
leaning forward to show interest, or by coiling the legs to show eagerness to leave, whereas leaning
back shows either comfort of disinterest. We followed this up with tips to become a leader and saw why
it is important to show better posture, take up more space, hold a serious gaze with eye contact, use
appropriate and tactful touching, avoid too much smiling (especially women), avoid excessive
placation and fight the urge to nod with agreement especially if someone expresses a thought you
disagree with. For those of us who are happy to follow, we provided tips in dealing with the three
different types of bosses, the autocratic, democratic and laissez-faire, then covered ways to impress on
a job interview, and concluded with buy signals; eye contact, moving in, touching the chin and greater
relaxation.

Chapter 15 – Seating Arrangements

Introduction – Chapter 15

Where we sit at a table or how we arrange our guests can influence the ability to form bonds and share
information. Sometimes arriving to a table early helps, other times we end up at a disadvantage because
those we wish to communicate with most end up sitting in locations that make them less accessible.
Arriving midway through represents the best case scenario, but if you aren’t aware of the propensity to
which people speak to one another, this will give you no advantage at all since you won’t know where
to sit.

The most powerful people will almost always prefer to sit facing the entry because it allows them to see
first hand who is entering and prevents them from sneaking up from behind. Likewise, we find that
sitting on the inside at a restaurant allows us the best vantage because it puts everyone else in front of
us and inhibits interruptions from those passing in isles. In this chapter we will learn that it’s best to
avoid sitting side by side if possible, especially when trying to form a good impression or when trying
to assess someone. Reading people is best done face-to-face but this raises a competitive head to head
arrangement, as we shall see. We will also learn that our reasons for meeting will tell us how we should

sit because, and what affect seating has on the outcome.

In this chapter we will cover seating arrangements and their effect. We will learn that how we sit
indicates our reason for meeting, how rectangular tables and circular tables have trickle down
leadership effects, how square tables can set up cooperation or confrontation, how leaders always
choose to sit at the head of the table or will lose their status to he who does, and how we can change
minds by boxing in our “object” with the right associates. Next we cover how offices should be set up,
how artifacts aren’t just for decoration and how high-chairs aren’t for babies. We then learn about
where to sit in an auditorium to be completely forgotten and where the keeners sit in class.

Chapter 15 – Seating Arrangements

How We Know Why We Meet

It should be immediately obvious what the true purpose is for meeting based on the type of seating
provided. A formal setting that is boardroom-like with status icons means that serious business is at
hand, whereas a couch with a coffee table signifies much less urgent matters. When we meet formally,
relationship building is not the aim, more casual meetings build relationships, so we should either plan
or act accordingly. If the boss calls the meeting, we should know what is up before we even get there so
we know what to expect.

Seating arrangements are a big part in how the meeting will transpire. For example, facing one another
means that ideas are divisive and that party’s are probably unwilling to change, or if desired we can
even foster more competition by artificially creating this arrangement. Perhaps not useful under the
average circumstance, but effective non-the-less for lawyers who wish to milk clients dry by stretching
out legal disputes! Sitting at forty-five degrees and on the same side means that ideas are informal and
group minded where cooperation is sought. Smaller tables create more intimacy and group building,
whereas larger tables emphasis more independence and creativity. More of this is covered in the
chapter on seating arrangements. For now let’s focus on possible hidden agendas with respect to how
we sit.

There are three basic reasons for meeting, they are ‘affiliation’ to build group cohesion, ‘achievement’
to get things done, and ‘power’ to emphasis control. Who calls the meeting and who is in charge will
depend on how the meeting will be organized. To go along with the three types of meetings, there are
three types of people in business. They are the ‘affiliator’ the ‘achiever’ and the ‘power player’. The
affiliator is interested in building relationships, they arrive early and make a point of checking in with
everyone and making sure everyone is happy and taken care of. They smile often and make eye contact
frequently. They will set up meetings to foster cooperation and will often stay behind to answer any
questions. The achiever will arrive on time and won’t want to waste a minute. If he talks before the
meeting it will be because it was important and he’ll sit closest the person with the highest rank. They
often show up well prepared with note pad, fact sheets, and so forth. They keep time, don’t stray off
topic and leave as soon as the meeting is over. The final type, the power player is someone that arrive
slightly late, spends most of his time with other leaders, and will try to sit where he can influence the
most people possible. This person will also interrupt others more often, and they will stay right until
everyone has left so as not to miss something, or miss out on important decisions.

Paying attention to who is running the meetings will tell us the goals of the meetings since not
everyone is upfront about their purpose. Each meeting should begin by assessing where they sit, and
why, as well as the types of personalities they have. As leaders, we can also manipulate the strengths of
those around us for our own success. For example, you can use the affiliator initially and at the end to

build group cohesion, the achiever to direct the middle of the meeting to get things done, and finally
employ the power player to identify any potential pit-falls or struggles within the group.

Chapter 15 – Seating Arrangements

Early Research Into Seating Arrangements

In a business setting people sitting kitty-corner (D and F) tend to talk 6 times as often as those sitting
opposite (B and C). Those sitting next to each other (C and E) talk about half as often as kitty-corner
but still 3 times as often as sitting on opposite sides of the table. The head position or leader position,
tends to be spoken to the least.
One of the

Boardrooms present an interesting power effect. In this case “A” is the head of the table because he
benefits by seeing who might be entering through the door. “B” is also head of the table, but might be
taken by surprise as the door is at his back. Power trickles down from the head of the table to “C” and
“D” (flaking the head), “E” and “F” (flanking the flanks), and finally “G” and “H” who share the
lowest rank..

earliest research studies was done by American psychologist Robert Sommer of the University of
California in the 1950’s. He examined the effects of extensive renovations done to an old age home.
The ward received new colourful paint, new lighting was installed, new chairs brought in and several
small rooms were converted into one large day room. The furniture was also re-arranged to make
conversations more likely amongst the patients by creating more face-to-face encounters. This
rearrangement was based on what he observed daily in the hallways just outside the ward. Here, every
morning the chairs were placed into straight rows, shoulder to shoulder, against the wall to make
mopping easier. But if you entered sometime later in the day, you’d find them re-arranged into groups.
It was the patient’s family members who moved the chairs to speak with the patients, rather than what
the patient actually preferred themselves. From this observation and the fact that any changes in the

ward were met with resistance it was obvious that the patients would resist the ward remodel. In fact, it
was common knowledge around the home that every piece of furniture and chair “had its place.” A lot
of which had been there, regardless of any logical or functional reason. The conclusions drawn from
the study were less than positive likely because the study involved mentally handicapped patients. In
fact, it was concluded that modification of furniture arrangements was not enough in and of itself to
adequately increasing social interactions. However, drawing on his initial observations from the
hallway, where regular visitors rearranged furniture, Dr. Sommer felt he was onto something important.

His future studies examined visitors interacting in a hospital cafeteria, students in classrooms, children
in public, and a myriad of other social situations. He found that when conversing over a rectangular
table, patterns began to emerge as a function of the shape and proximity speakers had to one another. In
all arrangements it is the nature of the meeting which dictated the spatial “ecology”, he concluded. He
learned that eye contact and distance are the two fundamental concepts governing how we sit, which in
turn affects our ability to exchange information, speak effectively, or even draw lines of division. The
next few paragraphs covers the ecology of round, and rectangular seating arrangements with respect to
reasons for meeting, be it a casual meeting with friends, cooperative sharing of information,
independent working or leadership purposes.

Chapter 15 – Seating Arrangements

Casual Corner Position

The “casual corner” seating arrangement is best in business as it the table provides are partial barrier,
yet does not prevent people from interacting together effectively.
The casual corner position is most appropriate to preserve closeness between people, but at the same
time offers a partial barrier. The barrier in this case, is the corner of the table. If chairs are directly
facing the table, it avoids direct eye contact, but if preferred, the chairs can face one another across the
corner of the table to make sharing of information easier. This seating position is unique because it
neatly allows for independent thought, but the proximity still permits intimacy.
When presenting new information to a client or trying to “sell them”, this is the most preferred
orientation. It is also a useful way to conduct an interview without coming off as aggressive or
competitive. In studies when students were asked to choose a seating arrangement that permitted

conversation, this was the most often chosen arrangement.

Chapter 15 – Seating Arrangements

Cooperative Side-By-Side Position

Chairs on the same side of the table is the “cooperative” seating arrangement as no barrier is present
between the participants. It is the most open way of interacting.
The cooperative position contrasts the casual corner position with a side-by-side orientation on the
same side of the table rather than kitty-corner or cross-corner. There are two possible arrangements for
the side-by-side and the variants determine the level of connectivity and interaction between two
people. When the chairs are facing forward, or toward the table, it slightly inhibits eye contact
decreasing the level of sharing. This orientation shows that there is some cooperation but that it’s not
complete. When chairs are facing forward in this manner, it is usually because it is assumed that people

are already a part of your team and the two of you are facing off against another party.

A second orientation happens when collaborating on a project. Here, the chairs will (and should) be
turned at forty-five degrees toward each other. This arrangement represents intimacy since there is no
barrier to interfere with the sharing of information. Working on a common goal, a project or
presentation are a few examples of when it’s best to use this arrangement. Intimate couples will also
choose this position at restaurants except where moving the chairs about is not permitted. Other couples
fail to see this and instead choose competitive arrangements as if they are on job interviews, or are
facing off against each other in twenty questions!

There are times when sitting on the same side of the table can appear too intimate, as if invading
someone else’s space. One can begin by taking up positions across the table and then finding an excuse
to pass documents across it. After some time, moving to the other side of the table and sitting down to
clarify the information provides enough of a reason to bridge the gap between people and being
fostering intimacy.

Chapter 15 – Seating Arrangements

Independent And Opposite Position

When people sit to do work but do not want to talk to each other, they will sit in the “independent and
opposite” seating arrangement. We see this with strangers in a limited seating cafeteria or in a library
when strangers share tables.
When the object is to show independence, than an opposite, yet diagonal seating position is
recommended. We see this most often in cafeteria style arrangements when sitting by oneself isn’t
possible and tables are filled with strangers but we still want the most amount of privacy possible.
Students will choose this arrangement when studying separately in a library as it permits independent
thought and separation avoids any direct eye contact should either party need a break from their work.
When subjects were asked to sit and do work quietly in one study this was the most common seating
arrangement. Usually the space between the parties will be evenly split and be occupied by handbags,

books, papers and other belongings to reserve them from being taken up. Obviously this position
should be avoided when cooperation and affiliation formation is has the reverse effect. The independent
and opposite position when it is not expected creates hostility and shows indifference.

Chapter 15 – Seating Arrangements

Competitive Head-To-Head Position

When people face-off against one another, they tend to sit head-on across the table.
Legal television dramas popularize this head-to-head seating position. Here each party faces directly
across from the other person usually with their allies to their left and right solidifying their flanks.
Another words for this position is the “closed” seating arrangement because it isolates people with the
use of the desk. In the “open” arrangement a desk is pushed up against a wall and presents no barrier to
visitors since they can access every part of a person when meeting with them. Closed positions convey

formality, distance and authority, defensiveness and even divisiveness whereas open orientations
convey interest and comfort.

Even when competition isn’t directly encouraged, research finds that the closed position still becomes
an issue because the table provides a clear boundary between each party. Despite this, studies show that
it is a very common way to sit in for casual conversations and at restaurants. The reason expressed is
because it easily permits the exchange of information, affords good eye contact by filling the other
persons view, and turns each person into the centre of attention. Thus, while it can be a constructive
casual position amongst friends and family, it doesn’t serve well with new associates or where there is a
desire to break down existing boundaries.

Interestingly when larger groups meet in the competitive arrangement with many people facing one
another across a rectangular table, it is most often the person to the front of the speaker directly across
the table that talks next, and rarely the person to their side. This has been termed the “Steinzor effect”
and was named after the researcher Dr. Bernard Steinzor in 1950 who first discovered the occurrence.
The head-to-head position creates discourse and necessitates the person at their face to respond, moreso
than any other at the table. This only adds to the negative data that stem from head-to-head orientations
and why we should avoid it when we wish to accomplish something other than fight.

Research conducted in the mid 1970’s by psychologist Richard Zweigenhaft of Guildord College in
North Carolina found that faculty that used their office desks as a barrier by placing it in between them
and their students were rated less positively in general and where rated especially poorly as it related to
student interaction. The study found that faculty that did this were also older and had a greater
academic rank. Thus, it was likely their subconscious tendency was to protect and maintain their rank
between themselves and their students. Therefore, when meeting with new clients or where competition
is likely but undesirable, avoid sitting in the head-to-head position if possible and remove whatever
barriers separate you and whomever it is you wish to build a relationship with. However, if the desire is
to reprimand an employee or anyone else and the goal to set clear boundaries, the table-in-between-
position can emphasis division, thereby enhancing the message further. It will be up to you to decide
exactly what orientation will suite you best and this will be wholly dependant on the goal you wish to
attain while meeting.

Chapter 15 – Seating Arrangements

Square Tables

In a square table seating arrangement, each person is in a competitive (head-to-head) position and a
cooperative (kitty-corner) position. This can present an interesting situation.
Square tables present an interesting situation. If we draw on what we know about rectangular tables we
know that people who sit face-to-face are in a competitive position and those to our rights and lefts are
in cooperative positions. Thus, everyone is equally competing and cooperating with someone at the
table completely leveling the playing field. Square tables are great for quick meetings because of this
dichotomy.
Bridge is an interesting game played on a square table. In the game there are four players in two fixed
partnerships. The partners sit facing each other. It is the tradition to name the players according to their
position at the table. They are called North, East, South and West. North and South are partners playing

against East and West. In this card game, partners are not allowed to convey information to each other
by talking, gestures or facial expression. The intent of the game is to exchange information by the
choice of bids or cards played, but how well does this bode with the information we know about
seating arrangements? The game has done well to prevent partners sitting next to each other preventing
close quarter exchanges that might go unnoticed. However, it does allow partners to face each other
head-on exposing their full fronts to each other and also prevents opponents from gaining the same
view. While partners aren’t permitted to use any language whatsoever to exchange cues, being students
of body language and aware of it’s proficient and pervasiveness might expect something different from
the game whether or not it’s ever detected. Naturally, you’ll draw your own conclusions!

Chapter 15 – Seating Arrangements

Square Tables

by Chris Site Author • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

In a square table seating arrangement, each person is in a competitive (head-to-head) position and a
cooperative (kitty-corner) position. This can present an interesting situation.
Square tables present an interesting situation. If we draw on what we know about rectangular tables we
know that people who sit face-to-face are in a competitive position and those to our rights and lefts are
in cooperative positions. Thus, everyone is equally competing and cooperating with someone at the
table completely leveling the playing field. Square tables are great for quick meetings because of this
dichotomy.

Bridge is an interesting game played on a square table. In the game there are four players in two fixed
partnerships. The partners sit facing each other. It is the tradition to name the players according to their
position at the table. They are called North, East, South and West. North and South are partners playing
against East and West. In this card game, partners are not allowed to convey information to each other
by talking, gestures or facial expression. The intent of the game is to exchange information by the
choice of bids or cards played, but how well does this bode with the information we know about
seating arrangements? The game has done well to prevent partners sitting next to each other preventing
close quarter exchanges that might go unnoticed. However, it does allow partners to face each other
head-on exposing their full fronts to each other and also prevents opponents from gaining the same
view. While partners aren’t permitted to use any language whatsoever to exchange cues, being students
of body language and aware of it’s proficient and pervasiveness might expect something different from
the game whether or not it’s ever detected. Naturally, you’ll draw your own conclusions!