The Ultimate Body Language Book

When the mouth becomes inverted in an upside down “u” shape (down-turned smile) the facial
expression turns into a high stress indicator.

Compressing the lips to make them disappear is a universal trait done to signify stress. The
subconscious mind is essentially telling the body to close down and not let anything in. Babies do this
when we try to feed them yucky vegetables and when adults do it it’s because they want to shut out the
outside world. Tight compressed lips happen honestly and immediately so reflect true stress sentiments
revealing a troubled mind. When the mouth becomes inverted in an upside down “u” shape (down-
turned smile) the facial expression turns into a high stress indicator. In 2008 at Eliot Spitzer’s news
conference where he discussed the matters of his involvement in a prostitution scandal he was
photographed quite obviously with a down turned mouth. The down-turned smile can show
unhappiness, anger, tension and depression when held for any permanent length of time. However, Mr.
Spitzer only briefly flashes this expression indicating the high level of stress he was experiencing as he
made his comments.

Lip pursing is done to indicate thought processing. It usually happens when someone is trying to come
up with an alternative idea. Catching this cue is highly useful during a proposal, such as reviewing a
contract, or a sales document, since it tells us that someone is at least considering our offer, but that
they might not be in total agreement. This can be useful while reading the document aloud because lip
pursing will happen in real time as judgment arises. Other adjoining cues will tell you whether or not
someone is prepared to accept or reject the offer and tell you how best to carry on. Other times, lip
pursing is done to show outright disagreement. Usually the eyebrows will frown in unison with pursed
lips. Lip pursing is a very reliable indicator of different thought processing, and it would be foolish to
ignore it. The reverse to lip pursing-judgment is full-lips which indicates contentment. Watch the lips
for these quick flashes will tell you a lot about what is going on inside someone’s head. In review,
compressed lips show stress, u-shaped mouth shows high stress, pursing shows that a person is
considering an alternative or when accompanied by frowning or additional negative cues,
disagreement.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Tonguing Language

A tongue jut is thought to have evolutionary origins as a food rejection mechanism. We stick our
tongues out to show distaste – either for others or even for what we’ve said ourselves.

Pushing the tongue through compressed lips is used to signal a cheeky attitude when done amongst
friends, but has a more sinister meaning when done in competitive situations. “Tongue-jutting” is used
in this case when people think they have gotten away with something, or have been caught doing
something they shouldn’t have. However, in this case the tongue usually is pushed through the teeth
and doesn’t touch the lips.

The gesture will be seen at the conclusion of an episode such as signing a contract or winning a hand at
poker by bluffing. Most of the time tongue protrusion happens when people feel they haven’t been
caught, but sometimes it’s actually because they’ve been caught. The statement reads “I’ve gotten away
with this”, “I’m telling a cheeky joke or making a cheeky statement”, “I’ve made a mistake” or “I’ve
been caught trying to pull a fast one.” Tongue through the lips or teeth can happen any place at anytime
but signals the same thing almost everywhere and that is that a person is doing something that is
pushing the envelop of acceptability or has gotten caught doing something that is unacceptable.
Obviously if we notice this tongue language we should review what has been said and suspect highly
that we’ve been fooled, cheated, that we or someone around us has been made the butt of a joke, or that
the tongue protruder has realized they’ve made a mistake.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Sneering For You

by Chris Site Author • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Sneering often happens as a microexpression, meaning it only briefly flashes quickly across the face
before disappearing. It says “this smells fishy.”

During a sneer the buccinator muscles located on the sides of our face contract to draw the corners of
the lips sideways toward the ears. This produces a tell-tale dimple in the corners of the mouth and
cheeks. This is an expression that usually happens in just seconds and for this reason is honest, so is
loaded with meaning. Sneering is similar to eye rolling and is a signal of contempt, disapproval and
disrespect the world over. It signals a negative attitude and arrogance to views or persons to which it
accompanies.

Sneering says “I don’t care what you think, and I don’t respect you.” Because sneers happen as
microexpressions, they often immediately following a stimulus. This makes it very easy to link the
negative expression with its cause, serving to read the hidden thoughts.

Couples who sneer when listening to each other indicate that they lack respect and it has been shown
that it is a good predictor for breaking up. Sneering can be done by employees who think they know
more than their bosses, but whom resist speaking up because of fear of being fired, and by children
who lack respect for authority. Wherever sneering shows it’s ugly face, it is due to distain.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

The Ear Grabber

When ear grabbing is done while listening to others speak it is due to disbelief, as in “I can’t believe
what I’m hearing.”

The ear grab refers to a subconscious desire to “hear no evil” and is done by reaching up and pulling
the ear in response to, either hearing something disagreeable, or saying something disagreeable.
Children make no bones about blocking their ears when being teased or scolded by parents, but as we
grow older, we drop the cue short because it is seen as juvenile, so instead we pull our ear, or earlobe.
The gesture is an attempt at preventing the sounds from reaching a deeper part of the brain. It also
sometimes represents anxiety and nervousness, and is classified as a defensive posture. We may see this
gesture arise just as a performer is about to take the stage in front of thousands of people.
The ear grab can be use not only at the conclusion of the lies of others, but also at the conclusion of our
own lies as well, and this is why it is referred to as a gesture that shows a desire to “hear no evil.” The
gesture used at the conclusion of our own lies serves to reduce what is called “cognitive dissonance”
which is the uncomfortable feeling that comes from holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.
For example, a used car salesman might talk about the quality of a certain car, than pull on his ear lobe,
or more subtly, he might be found rubbing the edge of the ear, indicating that what he has just said is
untrue. In this case, cognitive dissonance stems from the telling of a lie which is inherently bad, while a
person feels that they are inherently good (it might seem odd, but everyone feels they are inherently
good, even murders justify their actions). So lie tellers bridge their bad thoughts due to cognitive
dissonance with the ear grab, until they have time to justify the lie to themselves. Therefore, it is the
pain of the dissonance that causes the ear grab in liars.
When ear grabbing is done while listening to others speak it is due to disbelief as in “I can’t believe
what I’m hearing” and the same “hearing no evil” is at play. In this case though, it is the receiver, not
the sender, who wishes not to hear the lie. By touching or scratching the ears we hope that we can
satisfy the nerve endings and end the discomfort. In other words, when we hear bad things, we go to
our ears to try to turn the volume down. Other times, touching the ear means nothing at all and is
simply the result of nervousness or boredom.

Ears flush as a sign of stress – indicated by a tug on the lobe.
The ears often flush red when people are nervous which can be the case when they are worried about
getting caught in a lie. This is why the ear grab and flushing, can be great poker tells when people are
stressed about bluffing. The ear grab is a way that our bodies respond to the extra stimulation they get

when agitated and we go to them to scratch or pull on them as stress relievers. Think of the ear grab
like rubbing sore muscles or massaging a stiff back, except in this case the damage done is internal and
it’s due to something that has been heard, which “hurts” the ears. Anytime someone shows the desire to
touch their ear means that they are thinking about hearing, and it will be up to you to tie them to
context and decide what it is they are really saying.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Hostile Body Language

I think she has choice words for you.
Hostile body language is similar to sexual body language but only in so much as the gestures are made

figuratively to the object with which the action is intended. For examples, hostility can be displayed by
pulling or pinching at one’s own ears, cheeks, hair, or face. Figuratively these are actions that the
hostile persons wish’s to inflict against their agitator. The gestures are displacement signals meaning
they allow for the release of hostile thoughts through peaceful means that avoid (for the time being)
direct physical conflict. In evolutionary terms, the gestures serve as overt warnings that a more
damaging and dangerous bout might ensue, but offers a last ‘out’ which is the nonverbal display, before
things escalate.

We might see foot jabs against the leg of a chair, against the floor or other object. A fist might be
repetitively pound against the table with emphasis, or the classic fist to palm punch with some verbally
threatening language such as “I’m going to smash your face in.” When something is being pounded, the
object is a substitute for the foe’s face and the punch itself is a form of displacement of emotion and
energy. The pounding gesture is a more aggressive form of warning more likely to be done by men,
whereas women might show less aggressive and more subtle gestures such as biting, sucking or
chewing a lip or the inside of the mouth. As conflict approaches the combatants will begin to size each
other up by directly facing each other, the fists will be clenched, breathing rate will increase and the
chest will puff out to seem larger and more intimidating. Snarls will come from the faces of men
whereas women carry have dirty looks to scold their enemies. Other signals include strong and
persistent eye contact, glaring through unblinking eyes, turning red in the face and neck, cracking
knuckles and overt stretching.

Keep in mind that these signals are obvious and rarely mistaken for other signals and should be heeded
for what they are; an early warning system! Ignore them at your peril!

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

The Sequencing Of Rejection Body Language

The conversation ended a long time ago!
There are times when we are cornered or end up corning someone else through conversation, so
understanding the cues that indicate rejection (and acceptance, covered next) can be useful to avoid
unproductive conversations or as the case may be, to make the signals more poignant to others.
When people meet and rejection is present we see:
[A] The disinterested party turns their body and head away at a half turn.
[B] An expressionless face is assumed.
[C] The toes are re-oriented away from the speaker toward an exit, or other people. Distance separating
the speaker and listener may increase by taking a step away.
[D] Fidgeting increases, swaying from side to side, picking finger nails and so forth.
[E] Poor eye contact is present and the listener frequently looks away or down.
[F] No, infrequent, poor, or random regulators are given such as “mhum” and head nods.
[G] No engagement in the conversation, no addition of unique input.
[H] Opportunity to leave is actively sought despite lack of necessity.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

How Bodies Become Relaxed And Defrost

When people meet for the first time they keep a significant amount of space between themselves.
Quite literally, human bodies when comfortable undergo a thawing out process. Initially we start off
stiff and rigid, even appearing cold. But over time we open up and become more loose, ready to take
part in activities, or converse. Here is a summary of the defrosting process:
[A] Strangers meet, but keep their distance with arms and or legs crossed. Buttons and jackets are done
up tight.
[B] Legs become uncrossed, but arms remained uncrossed as we decide our company is no immediate
threat.
[C] Conversation is initiated, usually small talk, until a common interest is discovered. Once this
happens rapport begins forming and gesticulation is used to liven up the speech. At first, the arms re-
cross after speaking, but eventually they stay loose and drop to the sides or find themselves in pockets.
[D] Attire is loosened and jackets are removed.
[E] The legs become uncrossed and a foot is extended toward their company, but the back foot bears
most of the weight.
[F] If rapport increases and trust builds, the space between the strangers might shrink bringing them
into each others personal space zone.
[G] Touching in safe zones like the elbows and arms might solidify the relationship, but touching is not
always expected or common.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Neck And Nose Body Language

Covering the suprasternal notch is one of the nonverbal signals that is unmistakable and also reliable in
predicting emotional distress, one that shouldn’t be ignored.

The neck is an area that becomes particularly sensitive under pressure and like the cheeks, it becomes
red and engorged with blood when we become nervous. Women are particularly prone to bringing their
hand up to the “suprasternal notch” which is the dimple just below the neck between the Adam’s apple
and the breast bone when nervous, distressed, threatened, insecure, fearful or uncomfortable. Covering
the suprasternal notch is one of the nonverbal signals that is unmistakable and also reliable in
predicting emotional distress, one that shouldn’t be ignored.
While touching the neck and nose can be the result of fear or nervousness they can also be meant as
pacifying behaviours. Pacifying behaviours happen automatically, our brains send a message to our
bodies that we need to be pacified and out go our hands to serve the purpose. As always, it is important
to decide what kind of emotion has demanded the body language, be it nervousness as a result of
sweating (discussed below), or because there is an underlying threat causing fear that requires soothing.

Stress causes an increase in temperature which we try to relieve by “venting.”
Motioning toward our neck, scratching it, or pulling at a collar indicates we are “getting hot under the
collar.” Humans sweat in response to external temperature increases but also due to emotional stress. In
the case of emotional sweating, it is mostly restricted to the palms, soles of the feet and forehead.
However, when we become emotionally aroused our metabolic rate revs-up and we burn more calories.
This creates not just local sweating, but sweating throughout the body. Those under pressure can be
seen sweating voraciously under the armpits and down their backs even leaving visible stains.
Scratching the palms, in particular, has been shows to be a reliable indicator of stress but so too is
scratching the neck. Scratching is in response to the tingling sensation we feel on our necks as the
sweat increases and uncomfortable chaffing begins between tight collars and the skin. While some
experts purport that sweating can indicate lying, it’s actually a signal of frustration and heightened
emotion in response to pressure, and that this pressure can stem from anything, including simply being
“put on the spot.”

Itchy nose or does this mean something else?

Our noses can also signal stress, but more often signal disgust. The nose is full of blood vessels so
when we are stressed they fill up with blood just like the ears and neck. A person under stress will
frequently go to their nose and touch it, scratch it or rub it. Touching the nose has been linked to lying,
but like most lie detection cues, they aren’t absolute or reliable. We can tell when something is out of
the ordinary when someone touches their nose for no reason. They might wipe it with the back of their
hand or come up and touch it lightly with their index finger. The astute will find it obvious when

someone is touching their nose for the purpose of alleviating an itch instead of alleviating a lie (or
negative thought). Scratching is directed, specific, deep and vigorous, showing that some amount of
waiting was done before the gesture was performed. Thus more relief is present when the itch is real.
Itching due to negative emotions is general, shallow or glancing. This type of itch is done by bringing
the index finger up, by example and lightly touching the side of the nose where the nail is not used at
all. That is no real scratching is taking place.

An anti-politician gesture – you’d never see this type of uncertainty in any contender.

When we touch our face, we indicate indecision and insecurity.
Have you ever noticed how infrequently politicians touch their faces while in public and when they
absolutely have to, they make it look deliberate and minimal? They raise just one finger and scratch a
specific area, than they bring their hand back to their sides or use their hands to liven their speech.
When trying to appear honest, we should follow their example. Keep face touching to a minimum, use
it specifically, use the nail of the finger to show purposeful itching, and when finished resume normal
open and honest gesturing.
When ready people for honesty, be careful not only to watch for cues, but also be watchful of cues that
should be present, but aren’t. For example, if someone is describing emotional stress, they should
exhibit classic nonverbal behaviours. A woman claiming to have swerved to miss an animal sending her
automobile into the ditch should be agitate and on edge, perhaps covering her suprasternal notch as she
recounts the details. Failing to exhibit the appropriate cues tells us that she might be trying to pull a fast
one on us, perhaps trying to claim insurance so as to benefit from a payout. Looking for cues that
should be there, but aren’t, are sometimes cues in and of themselves.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

The Anti Crosser Is Uncomfortable

Legs crossed at the ankles says I’m not happy – but I’m not going anywhere.
We’ve noted that leg crossing can and does show interest depending on whether or not they enclose

people or block them out and we’ve also seen how the figure four leg cross is a seated crotch display
and also that leg spreading shows dominance, but legs crossed also shows comfort. When the legs are
crossed they significantly reduce the ability to act quickly during confrontation and when it happens
while standing significantly reduces balance. Therefore, leg crossing is an important indicator of the
degree of comfort felt in any given situation.
Take the standing leg cross which happens by putting one foot behind the other. What is essentially
happening is that the body is supported by just one leg making escape from this position especially
difficult. Walking with just one foot is extremely cumbersome! This requires the feet to first uncross
before taking action and this is exactly what happens when we become uncomfortable or insecure
about certain presence. We’ve talked about the fig leaf position that happens by placing the hands over
the midsection to cover them, and this does happen when people feel timid or insecure, but not when
they are scared or fearful. A person standing in an elevator might stand with their legs crossed, but
when a stranger accompanies them, their legs will uncross and their feet will become firmly planted.
The subconscious mind is saying to the body that no chances should be taken here. While the fig leaf
position says “I’m uncomfortable, but escape is impossible because I must talk with this person”
whereas uncrossing the legs says “I have no idea who this person is and am unsure of them” and “I
know I can run at anytime, and I will, should the need arise so now it the time to prepare”

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Other Emotional Body Language

Stroking can take on many forms and depending on context can indicate the need for comfort.
Emotional body language can arise anytime the hands touch the face, neck, shoulder, arm, hand, or leg
as a direct response to negative events. These negative events can be anything from an embarrassing or
sexist joke, being put on the spot, having to present to an audience or being asked a difficult question.
When viewing emotional body language keep in mind that men tend to touch their faces more often,
whereas women prefer to touch their hair, arms, neck, clothing or jewelry. Men also tend to be more

aggressive with their gestures and will tend to cup their necks just below their chins or will stroke the
back of their necks with their fingers. They might also be seen adjusting their tie or a shirt collar when
no such adjustment is required. On the other hand women will grab or play with a necklace or cover the
part of the neck just below the Adam’s apple and above the breast bone. Emotional manipulation can
serve to calm by reducing blood pressure and lowering the heart rate.

Like most emotional body language they serve to pacify the body to make it feel better by stimulating
nerve endings to release calming endorphins. For example, while in deep thought, the temples might be
massaged with one or both hands, the head might be scratched and when facing extreme difficulty the
hand might reach around and grab the back of the neck depicting a negative thought stemming from
emotional discomfort, frustration, doubt, insecurity or restraint. Rubbing the forehead is an evaluative
body language gesture, but it also signals an internal struggle where slight to severe discomfort is being
experienced. Exhaling air forcefully through a compressed mouth can also be a pacifying message
especially when done by a smoker, since it reminds him of a habit that calms him. We mentioned
chewing gum as a displacement gesture earlier, but even it is an oral pacifier especially if the rate of
chewing intensifies.

Some other examples of pacifiers include smoking cigarettes, licking the lips more, rubbing the chin,
stroking their face, playing with pens, pencils, lipstick, pulling the hair or scratching the forearms or
more subtly like brushing the hair, adjusting a tie (preening), or checking or playing with a watch
seemingly results driven and purposeful.

Some people have even been known to talk to themselves to make peace and are otherwise perfectly
normal and sane. These gestures usually find their way into the repertoire of people and become
favourites. That is, they will use the same ones each time when they become tense making it easy for us
to read them accurately.

When viewing these gestures keep in mind that they may ebb and flow in real-time to the level of threat
present. For example, imagine a tense negotiation between a couple who are making plans for their
honeymoon vacation. The wife might be seen cupping her arm under her elbow to support her arm
covering her suprasternal notch while the husband clasps the back of his neck in a restraint posture. As
he concedes she might drop one or even both arms, but without a concession from her of some sort, he
might remain negatively locked or might place his arms crossed on his chest. Sensing this, she might
agree to a compromise, or if she doesn’t, may stimulate him to ramp up his agenda futher sending her
back into an emotional state where she might begin fingering her necklace by playing with it.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Blocking Behaviour

An arm cups a drink and draws in in closer while forming a shield as protection.
Blocking is a term used to describe when a person wishes to distance themselves from a distressing
stimulus. Blocking is a part of the fight or flight response, and takes the form of the flight element
because it creates distance between things we wish to avoid.
“Eye blocking” happens by covering the eyes either wholly or in part. When viewing disturbing images
on the movie screen or even in real life, people will bring both hands up to cover their eyes or will
bring them to the sides of their eyes like the blinders used on horses to keep them from being
distracted. However, in this case the blinders are a nonverbal signal meant to cut something off from
view instead of driving focus on them. What is being said is “Oh my dear, I can’t believe what I’m
seeing.” Eye blocking is not just limited to things seen, it can be the results of hearing undesirable
things as well. Blocking can be abbreviated as when one or both hands come up to rub the eyes, or
seem to pinch the eyes from corner to center with just one hand. Other times, the hand comes up and
covers the eyes in part, with a partly clustered set of fingers so that view isn’t entirely obstructed. This
might appear as though the person is thinking, but no thought is going, just a desire to look away.
Blocking can be done by briefly touching one eye with the index and middle finger in response to
hearing something negative, by closing the eyelids for a longer than normal duration or more
dramatically by closing them tightly in response to hearing some particularly distasteful. Blocking can
also be done with books, articles of clothing or any other object.

These legs are interested – note how they are crossed toward rather than away.

Blocking can happen through the creation distance and also with arms and legs. For example, it is
common for people to move away from things, and people they don’t like, and move closer to things
and people they do like. We might see distance forming when a particularly bad offer is tabled at a
boardroom between competing firms. The contract might be shoved away, or parties might lean away
from the table or away from the speaker or the feet might be moved toward the nearest exit. We call
this type of body language “distancing language.” The legs might be crossed away from detestable
people, so the outer part of the leg cuts off access to the ventral (the vulnerable) part of the body. In an
extreme version, the arms can grab the ankle when crossed away so as to lock it in place. This is an
unmistakable signal of rejection through it’s denial of access. The hands also display like and dislike.
When a couple is in disagreement they will be seen moving their hands away from their spouse, usually
off the table and onto their laps and when they agree their hands will be brought back up or moved
closer. These sorts of general agreement indicators happen free-flow in real time so they reflect the true
sentiment and the stimulus that has caused it.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Blushing – The Colour Of Emotion

We are all familiar with blushing because we’ve all had to deal with it at some point or another.
However, most of us don’t understand the reason for it. Blushing is linked to adrenaline and cortisol
which are hormones that are released when we get excited, feel pressure or are nervous. Chronic stress
in our daily lives also drip these hormones into our blood streams potentially causing long term issues.
Adrenaline is released in order to prepare us to either fight or run away; the “fight or fight response”.
Adrenaline is tied to an increase in heart rate and breathing. The hormone also diverts blood flow from
the digestive system and shunts it to major muscle groups giving them a burst of energy. As a side
effect, our blood vessels that deliver blood to our faces dilate, meaning they relax or open, allowing
more blood to reach the surface of our face causing them to turn red.

It is unfortunate for some that they have a condition known as “erythrophobia” which is a fear of
blushing. Blushing is a reflex controlled unconsciously by our sympathetic nervous system, but in
people with this condition the mere fear of blushing causes them to blush, and so they blush much more
frequently with minimal stimulus. In all other people, there is a link to our emotions or our
environment, we can’t just think about blushing to make it happen, so it becomes much less of an issue
in our daily lives.

In most cases then, aside from those who suffer from erythrophobia, we can reliably use blushing to
determine someone’s level of stress where the greater the amount of blushing, the greater the stress. For
most, a small amount of reddish tint will appear on the cheeks, but before this redness appears we see it
in the ears, so be sure to check there first for signs of nervousness or stress. We should be careful
though because blushing only tells us that someone has received a dose of adrenaline, it never tells us
why. In other words, blushing is just a cue or signal, and in and of itself, has no meaning. Creating
meaning is our job.

It might seem counter-intuitive but blushing can be a good thing too and if you can control it by some
miracle, you can use it to your advantage. Blushing tells us we are embarrassed so it can signal to
others that we deserve some leniency. Blushing has the effect of saying “I’m sorry” without saying it,
which may result in a lesser penalty, especially in women and children. If you blush easily, match your
body language by using submissive postures and you’ll be more apt to get away with a misdemeanor.

Blushing can also signal that we are attracted to someone, which is obviously more advantageous to
women since it makes them appear more submissive, but in men will have the opposite result as they
are expected to act more dominant. Blushing, when done by women, essentially does the work for
them, making their thoughts known. Men who are aware of the signal and who fancy the blusher,
should seize the opportunity.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Gravity Defying Body Language

A convenient and accurate way to read someone’s level of happiness is to look for what is called
“gravity defying” body language. This is any gestures that makes it seem as if a person is floating on
air. We can also call these gestures of exuberance where energy is seemingly in no short supply, being
expended just for its own sake. Children will walk excitedly by bouncing up and down on their way to
see grandparents or to the town fair, and will sometimes even grab our hands so as to be swung to catch
even more air. When we see people with a “Bounce in their step” what we really are seeing is
happiness through body language as a person walks on the balls of their feet or when their arms swing
confidently at their sides.

When hockey players score a goal, they will immediately throw their hands into the air. The stick is
usually thrust upward in concert to defy gravity even more. Alexander Ovetchikin attained part of his
fame for his elaborate celebration displays by tossing himself against the hockey rink glass. Bobby
Orr’s superman dive after scoring the goal to win the Stanley cup in 1970 is one of the most
recognizable images in hockey history. He personified gravity defying body language. Fist pumping is
another common, yet much more subdued way to show happiness when we’ve succeeded at something
and football has no shortage of exuberant dance moves after scoring a touch-down.

Another gesture that is more commonplace in everyday life happens by when either a toe is raised
pointing upward while in a standing position with the weight on the back foot, or the while seated

where the toe is facing down, but the heel is upward. Both gestures are gravity defying and signal that
good things are happening. While standing, a person might rock back and forth on the balls of the feet
or seem to stand taller, more confident and more animated. When people are happy their arms are used
more to gesticulate during speech. Gravity defying gestures are rarely faked since they mostly go under
the radar and someone in a bad mood usually wouldn’t think of, or be able to hold the gestures for any
length of time. Interestingly, those with clinical depression are rarely seen doing these sorts of gestures,
instead their shoulders seem to slump and their arms do no more than hang at their sides. Those that are
insecure seem to let the weight of life keep them down and pin their arms to their sides.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

How Can We Tell If An Emotion Is Faked?

The uneven smile. This one is a fake!
Being able to tell the difference between real emotions and the body language that follows is a very

useful skill in reading people. Being able to detect fake emotions can help us decide who we can trust
and who is actually in agreement with us, versus those who are simply faking it. Liars and their body
language are covered more extensively later in the book, so it is of no direct concern here. Rather, here
we present rules of thumb that help us decide if facial expressions and emotions such as fear, sadness,
happiness, shame, guilt and disgust are real and genuine or feigned. Emotional fakery of sadness is
used to generate sympathy in order to gain various resources, and fake sadness is used to generate
leniency and therefore receive help in the form of favours. Being able to detect real from fake is a
useful skill because it gives the body language reader the power to decide what course of action is
merited.
So how can we tell if a facial expression is fake versus real? While body language readers can never
really know for certain, the face does subconsciously give us some clues that it’s not being honest. For
example, a fake emotion is one where there are symmetrical differences between the right and left side
of the face. That is, when the left and right side don’t match. A smiling face, where the smile is uneven
is a perfect example of a false smile and one that was covered in great detail earlier. The second telltale
sign of a fake expression is when it appears and disappears in a jerky, non-fluid manner. This tells us
there is doubt and uncertainty. The third cue that an emotion is faked has to do with eye movements
and directions. Looking downward and away indicates shame, guilt or disgust, looking down indicates
sadness. The final way to detect false emotions is by catching those that seem to be held for too long, or
seem over-exaggerated. Expressions that are so big that they are “over-the-top” or seem “out of this
world” and don’t flow with context or match timing expectations, meaning they don’t go with what is
being said, are more than likely fake.

The fear facial expression.

Sadness.
Other times, emotions are difficult to decipher. For example, when the eyebrows go up, they sometimes
indicate fear, but other times they are raised to indicate surprise. Fear is usually shown by showing the
whites of the eyes, raising the upper eyelids, raising the inner brow and tightening the eyelid. However
it is important to note that raising the inner brow can show sadness, lowering the brow can show anger
or mental effort and tightening the eyelid can show anger or disgust.

Anger

Disgust.
Some expressions are only seen very rarely, which is the case with the more extreme expressions
making them difficult to study. These facial expressions also happen very quickly, so it’s not always
easy to spot them. Usually the expressions are encoded by the viewer in large part to the context in
which we find them. For example, jumping out of the bushes and yelling at someone is bound to create
a surprised look, but can you decide if a face absent of context shows fear or surprise, what about
sadness? It’s not always that easy, but absent of slow motion photography and mind reading, the rules
of thumb covered here can make the process simpler and more manageable.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Universal Facial Expressions

As discussed in chapter 2, there are six main facial expressions that are found throughout the world.
They are happiness, sadness, surprise, fear, anger and disgust. Each expression involves three
independent parts of the face, the forehead and eyebrows, the eyes, eyelids and upper part of the nose
called the “root” and the lower part of the face including the lower part of the nose, cheeks, chin and
mouth. Here is a breakdown of the six facial expressions:
___________________________________________________________________________________
__________

Happiness.
Happiness (smile): The gesture is done by slightly raising the lower eyelids, wrinkles appear below
them, crow’s feet may form at the edge of the eye. The mouth lengthens as the corners move out and
up. Lips may part to show upper teeth and the cheeks rise and bulge narrowing the eyes and creating
wrinkles around the nose and mouth.
___________________________________________________________________________________
__________

Sadness.
Sadness: Sadness is controlled mainly by the mouth where it drops at the corners. The inner eyebrows
rise producing a triangular shape between the root of the nose and the eyes. The forehead might show
wrinkles and the eyes may appear moist with tears.
___________________________________________________________________________________
__________

Surprise.
Surprise: The eyebrows curve upwards, wrinkles form in the forehead and the whites of the eyes
become visible through eye widening. The jaw becomes slack and opens.
___________________________________________________________________________________
__________

The fear facial expression.
Fear: This expression is sometimes confused with surprise as in much of the world only subtle
differences exist. During fear, eyebrows rise and are pulled together, and curve although less than in
surprise. Wrinkles appear in the forehead, but do not cross the entire forehead like in the surprised
expression. The upper eyelids rise, as in the surprise expression, to expose the white of the eyes and the
lower eyelids also rise. The lips may be stretched back and the mouth opened.
___________________________________________________________________________________
__________

Anger
Anger: In this expression, eyebrows are pulled down and inward and creases form between the
eyebrows. The eyes narrow and take on a hard stare. The lips are often tightly clenched and the corners
pulled downward. The nose is sometimes flared.
___________________________________________________________________________________
__________

Disgust.
Disgust: This facial expression contains the most meaning in the eyes and the lower face. Here, the
lower eyelids rise and lines appear in the skin below them. The cheeks move up, the nose is wrinkled
and either the upper lip is raised or both are raised.
___________________________________________________________________________________

__________
Ever thought about why our noses are down-turned rather then some other orientation, such as
sideways or facing upward? The answer has nothing to do with preventing rain from falling in! Disgust
is a very honest facial expression when it happens because it can happen in microseconds to indicate a
particularly distasteful thought. The facial expression is rooted in rejection of spoiled foods which is
why a large portion of it involves the nose which is used to detect off-putting scents. To evoke disgust,
just imagine the smell or rotting flesh! In real life it instantly causes the nose to snarl and prevents us
from stomaching potentially deadly foods.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Emotional Downtime

We all check out and spend some time inside our own heads – even while out in public.
It might not surprise you to know that everyone needs time alone every once in a while, or even once a
day, but what might surprise you is that we actually need time to ourselves minute by minute. All day
long we are bombarded with a multitude of people, from our coworkers, to our spouses, friends, to
cashiers at stores and those who share our commute with us in the streets. Even with almost seemingly
endless social interaction the research shows that every three seconds, on average, we ‘slip away’ to be
with our own thoughts and to internalize what is happening around us. This ‘downtime’ allows our
brains the time it needs to process, the information that is happening all around us.
We know someone is in downtime by their body language which includes having the head titled away
or to the side, shifting the shoulders at an angle, or looking to the right or left for a fraction of a second.
The eye patterns in downtime are what psychologists call ‘conjugate lateral eye movements.’ All these
cues are tells that the mind has moved into processing mode and is no longer accepting new
information. Other cues indicating emotional downtime include pauses in breathing, subtle chewing of
the lips, or very brief eye freezes or glazing over.

Knowing about downtime can be used to our advantage so as to give people enough time to take in the
new information presented rather than overwhelming them, confusing them and possibly putting them
off for good. The simplest way to do this is to watch for downtime cues and then pause or slow speech
accordingly. This will give the listener enough time to look away momentarily and process the
information. Once we learn about someone, and their character, it will be easy to find their cues to
downtime and therefore proceed at a reasonable pace for them specifically.

A second type of downtime is more extended, and happens in the absence of other people. The purpose
of this downtime is to escape daily stress and pressure, and to help us recover. The need for downtime
is obvious. We become stressed or over-stimulated, our thought process becomes hazy and we can’t
think straight. Our faces will also become blank and expressionless, and our eyes will glaze over and be
unmoving. Other times we feel under-stimulated and detached from what is going on around us, and
feel that we need to get away to re-connect. During this period we begin to withdraw by avoiding eye
contact, dropping our heads and shoulders, and switching off our ears. We may zone out in such a
significant way that we have trouble even feeling someone if they happen to brush up against us. When
downtime like this happens around other people we’re asked to ‘snap out of it’ only to reply with
“Sorry, I was zoned out” or “I must have spaced out.” The most respectful thing to do when you notice
someone in this state, is to leave them be, instead of interrupting them. Remember that they slipped into
downtime for good reason, it’s not just to ignore you! In fact, as we saw, it has much less to do with
negative reasons, than personal constructive ones. Downtime serves to relax the minds and set it back
onto the right course before getting back to business.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Cocooning

There are two forms of cocooning, one is mild, the other extreme. Cocooning is a terms used to
describe the body language which shows others that we wish not to be bothered. I outlined a method
previously that my wife employs while out shopping where she wears a set of headphones to tell others
she isn’t interested in socializing. Another form of cocooning happens while in deep concentration,
while studying for example, or while working at a cubicle. This posture occurs by placing both elbows
on the table and drawing the hands up to the forehead so as to put “the blinders up.” The intention of
the blinders is to tell others that we are under stress and are trying to block out the rest of the world so
we can deal private matters.

Extreme cocooning on the other hand, is a complete shut down posture where the head collapses onto
the thighs while in a seated position. The posture is a form of self hugging as the arms are drawn in and
the legs are held together tightly. We see this form of cocooning only rarely as it is due to extreme
circumstances such as deaths of close relatives or massive natural disasters where houses and villages
are destroyed. The aim of the posture is to completely close off external pressures and internalize what
has just happened.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Turtling – It’s When The Head Goes Into It’s
Shell

Turtling is a limbic response to confrontation. The head sinks, shoulders shrug, and the body takes on a
smaller form to avoid being seen as a threat.

The posture happens as the head seems to sink inside the shoulders, however, what is really happening
is that the shoulders are slowly being raised so the neck disappears taking the head with it. It is as if the
head is being swallowed by the shoulders. We see this posture when people are uncomfortable, have
low confidence about themselves or a topic, have insecurities, feel weak or powerless, ashamed, or are
carrying any other negative emotion. It is usually found when someone is centered out on their poor
performance. The origins of the head turtle is to protect it from harm. For example, when people hear a
very loud bang, they will quickly pull their heads inward and down, and tuck their chins. However,
when it is done out of shame, it happens more slowly and deliberately so as to draw even less attention.

It usually happens when people want to appear less significant so they are ignored rather than called on.
In business the head duck will occur when subordinates meet with superiors as they try to stand out less
and look less significant or when employees wish to be overlooked during status reports at a boardroom
meeting. It might also happen in class when the professor is calling on students who don’t have the
answers, or when athletes have to walk back in shame to their dressing rooms after losing an important
match.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

The Types Of Hugs

An intimate hug is obvious by checking the distance between the hips. The smaller the distance, the
more intimacy is present. When we hug grandma, we might only touch shoulders by leaning in!

There are two types of hugs and each one indicates a different level of intimacy. The first is called the
“full body hug” and is reserved for sexual partners. This type of hug is characterized by full chest to
chest and hip to hip contact. Since the bodies are so tightly pressed together, the genitals might also
touch incidentally. The second type of huge is the “light social hug”, the main hug for acquaintances
and friends, and happens when the shoulders come together as the torso hunches forward, but the hips
remain apart.

Hugs have a secondary hidden meaning as well. The longer the hug, the more intimate and affectionate
is the relationship. A pat at the end of the hug indicates that one party would like to “submit” from the
hug and terminate it. This gesture is similar to the actions wrestlers to do “tap out.” Taps also show
feigned or meaningless hugs, or even unwelcome hugs, especially if the tap happens early. Most people
think tapping while hugging shows comfort, but sexually romantic partners and close family members
do not pat, they embrace deeply and squeeze tight.

The hips, during a hug, also have a very significant hidden meaning. That meaning is conveyed directly
through the distance to which they remain separated and that distance tells us a lot about the type of
relationship two people have. Hugs that happen between family and friends will have at least six inches
between the pelvic regions of each person, whereas hugs from lovers have no, or very little space
between the hips. The torsos of lovers also move tightly into each other’s intimate zones enveloping
each other. The degree to which hips remain separate, or rear-ends are extended outward, whichever
you prefer, and the amount of contact that takes place in the upper chest, tells us what degree of
intimacy is present between huggers. Light hugs as we saw, can include only light shoulder contact,
and in extreme light hugging, the bodies might not press together at all. The arms and hands might
form a closed loop from shoulder to shoulder “around” them, but the chest and shoulders might only
seem to move slightly closer, or seem to bob in quickly before moving out, not coming any closer than
a foot. The hidden language of hugs can tell us a lot about the relationships around us, even potentially
juicy ones like those brewing amongst staff members. A careful eye at the next social affair might
uncover some cheeky relationships!

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Additional Emotional Body Language

A whole host of other body language is associated with emotion and fear such as a pale face, dry
mouth, damp eyes, avoiding eye contact, trembling, speech errors, voice tremors, varying speech tone,
increases in sweating, tension and jerky movements, gasping or holding breath, red face or neck,
widening of the eyes or raised eyebrows, grimacing and trying to change the topic. Be aware too, of
smiles that are dishonest or faked or stress filled as these can be a dead giveaway which was covered in
an earlier chapter. These smiles will be quickly flashed across the face or permanently held under
extreme anxiety where only the lips are stretched across the face.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Summary – Chapter 11

This chapter focused on emotional body language. We began by discussing New York style body
language called “displacement behaviour.” We saw that displacement behaviours include actions set to
preoccupy in order to dehumanize the outside world – especially in more crowded areas. The list of
behaviours included nail biting, gum chewing, grooming, tapping the does, head scratching or playing
with jewelry, but can also mean looking and acting ‘out of touch’ or closed off.

Next, “fight or flight” was finally shifted to “freeze, flight or fight” finally putting it into the proper
order. Following this was clenching behaviour where we found that actions such as gripping the wrist
of the opposite hand in behind the back, or wringing the hands out like a wet article of clothing, are
forms of restraint. We also hit on nervous hands and how shaking can tell us a lot about what sort of
emotions a person is experiencing.

We then moved onto poor self image and the language that tells. Here we found that auto contacts
including stroking the beard, rubbing the hands, tugging the ear, massaging the throat, pulling the
fingers, rubbing the back of the neck and so forth, are linked to insecurity since they attempt to provide
reassurance. We hit on eyebrow lowering and that when they are permanently lowered by the newly
incarcerated it signifies easy prey for existing inmates. Interlaced fingers and palm finger stroking, on
the other “hand”, were both labeled as emitted by those with negative thoughts. In the section on
suckling and mouthing we saw that the mouth and lips provide a target for tactile gratification to
provide comfort. Here we saw that anytime the fingers go to the mouth or lips to suckle, that our target
is regressing to an infantile stage, and is trying to regain the security they felt as a child.

We found that compressed lips indicate stress, down-turned smile unhappiness, anger or tension, and
lip pursing indicates that a thought, usually negative, is being processed. We found that tongues can
depict deep concentration or a cheeky attitude, and that sneering signals contempt, disapproval and
disrespect the world over. Ear language was covered next and we learned that ear grabbing refers to
“hearing no evil” showing disbelief or an attempt to close off communication by blocking the ears.
Hostile body language, on the other hand, was found to be more similar to sexual body language, but
only in so much as the body language showed through figuratively onto ourselves when we would
much rather inflict it onto others. Examples of such hostile body language included pulling or pinching
at one’s own ears, cheeks, hair, or face. Next we covered the sequence by which bodies reject and then
how they relax.

We discovered that the neck becomes particularly sensitive under pressure and like the cheeks, it
becomes red and engorged with blood when we become nervous. Thus when people are under pressure
they tend to touch or cover it so as to pacify. Women also tend to cover their “suprasternal notch” when
they are experiencing anxiety. We found that people who don’t cross their legs are generally
uncomfortable because crossing significantly reduces the ability to act quickly during confrontation and
exit. Next we found that the eyes and the body can block unwanted thoughts and images, that blushing
indicates emotion and anxiety, and that asymmetry can show when emotions are faked, gravity defying
behaviours means people are happy, and that there are six universal facial expressions. We learned that
asymmetry is what tells us honest expressions from fake ones. We also discovered that everyone, no
matter how extroverted, requires emotional downtime, that timid people will cocoon and that guilty
people will turtle. We also found in this chapter that full body hugs, where the chest and hips make
contact, shows sexual intimacy, and that light hugs, where the shoulders touch shows friendship. Lastly
we covered the “hug-ender cue” or the “tap out” that tells others that the hug has run its full course and

one party wishes to submit. We concluded with a list of additional emotional body language.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

Introduction – Chapter 12

When people “jive,” they are in agreement and this commonality leads to liking.
Mirroring or “isopraxis” is as important to lifelong friends as to strangers meeting for the first time,
since mirroring is a way to test and maintain the level of rapport being established between two people
or groups of people. Mirroring as it applies to nonverbal communication describes body postures, body
positions and gestures that are held in unison or echoed a few seconds later, across people as they
interacting. When full mirroring appears it is as if each person is looking into the mirror and seeing
their reflection. When full mirroring happens, it indicates a high level or rapport, or connectivity
between people.
We mirror as a form of bonding with one another, and it happens without our conscious awareness. In
fact, mirroring is difficult to carry out in a natural way at a conscious level as we will see in this
chapter. The evolutionary origins of mirroring might stem from imitative learning, where gestures and
movements or skills are passed from one person to another. Children learn to imitate our facial
expressions and quickly graduate to imitating our body positions, and then later they imitate us as we
carry out tasks. If you’ve even driven with a youngster, you’ve watched them pretend to drive with
their arms up, rocking the wheel left and right, or working the stick shift. Imitation has been said to be
the greatest form of flattery and in mirroring this is the case.
In ancient times, mirroring would have created group cohesion and identity. Sports groups, riot officers,
firemen, and a myriad of occupations all wear the same uniform. It is this dress that formulates the
beginnings of the behaviour that eventually leads to a group’s ability to functioning in unison. Imagine
if policemen all showed up in different dress and tried to control a crowd. To the rioters, they would
seem as if they were rogue rioters themselves which would only exacerbate the problem. The rioters

would identify the policemen as part of their group instead of part of the police group, which would
only lead to additional chaos.

However, the police know the importance of mirroring, so they arrive with exactly the same gear, dress
and comportment. They wave their batons, walk, stomp and chant in unison to display a fortified front.
The uniform also serves to identify members of their group and dispel others quickly. A rioter who was
able to secure a loose baton wouldn’t last long in the group in the group of police, even if he could
adopt the same postures, chants and stomps, because he’d still lack the proper uniform. However, if he
could obtain this too, he’d fit right in and would be accepted as part of the group without question. The
results of this would be devastating, since his behaviours, no matter how random or unjust, would be
tolerated by his “peers”. He could begin to smash windows or beat up other rioters and it would be
initially overlooked by his group causing confusion. The uniform, because of mirroring and rapport,
provides the rogue officer with additional powers, so he can get away with things that a rioter can not.
This extension of power only lasts so long before it would be questioned though, and the same sort of
behaviour is present in real life situations as it relates to mirroring. It builds rapport and group cohesion
and identifies those that belong to us and fit in with our ideologies, and those that do not. When we are
in groups we easily loose our individual mentality in favour of group cohesion. The rioters escalate
their terror for the same reason. They are part of a group, identify with it and so adopt similar
behaviour.

Mirroring and uniforms do not apply just to the police. In fact, it applies to almost every walk of life, in
every office or business across the planet. We act and dress a certain way even when we are relaxing
with friends. When we go to concerts we clap, sing, stand, drink and with the right group, listening to
right music, may even join a mosh pit with others to slam our bodies together violently to celebrate the
music. Mirroring says that we are on the same page. It’s like saying look at the two of us, we walk the
same, talk the same and our bodies move in unison, therefore we must agree. Mirroring can cut so deep
that breathing, blinking, and even our heart rates can beat in unison. Mirroring is such a profound
quality of social animals as a whole. Our cities are built upon our abilities to mirror with row upon row
of houses repeating one after the other, all with a small patch of green grass at the front and hopefully a
bit more at the back. We all cut it short to make it presentable and to keep up with our neighbours. We
compete with others just to fit in and be the same as them. Far from being a bad thing, mirroring creates
social order, promotes peace and productivity and leads to cooperation.

Mirroring in rapport building is ubiquitous and serves a purpose but it also finds itself in some peculiar
places. Yawning is one of them. Yawning is one of the more pronounced forms of mirroring since it has
a contagious element. Yawning in one person sets off a chain of yawns within the rest of a group, even
if the members don’t know each other. Picking up a foreign accent or adopting the idiosyncrasies of
friends are two forms of subtle mirroring. Full blown mirroring happens when we cross our arms in
unison, drink or eat together or even finish each other’s sentences. Twins have been known to connect
in such a dramatic fashion that sentence finishing is commonplace and some twins can even begin
sentences in unison. Mirroring comes out too in tone of voice, syntax, rhythm and use of pauses.
Dancing is another form of pervasive mirroring and without building a connection, dance appear
sloppy and uncoordinated. Women might even use it as a selective tool when evaluating potential
suitors. If you can’t jive together in a coordinated fashion, can you be expected to raise a family
together, what about create a family? Anecdotally, dance has been said to be a reliable predictor of how
we perform in bed, so if you prefer a slow passionate dance over a break neck shake, keep this in mind!
Let us not leave out facial expressions, emotions and overall mood as a subject to mirroring in others
either. This is covered in the pages to follow.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

The Chameleon Effect (Mimicry)

It’s like looking into the mirror – and we see ourselves. This eases our tension.
A term first coined by Chartrand and Bargh in 1999, the “chameleon effect” refers to the unconscious

mimicry of postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours such that one partner in an
interaction passively and unintentionally changes his body positions to match that of others. He further
describes that this changes are context specific and person specific. There are some key points in this
idea. First is that the mirroring happens without conscious awareness, which will become important
later as we explore the applications of mirroring. Second, a persons perception of another’s behaviour
works to increase the likelihood of it appearing in others.

In other studies it was observed that nonverbal mirroring increased over time within a group of people.
Rapport, liking, empathy and group building also increases over time. When students were asked to
mirror the nonverbal language of their instructor they reported a stronger sense of involvement with
them. It has even been reported that the absence of mirroring can even produce differences amongst
people instead of just inhibiting cohesion.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

Research Into Purposeful Mirroring

A 1999 study by Tanya Chartrand and John Bargh, showed that forced mirroring had a positive effect
on liking. In this study, half of the time researchers either mimicked or did not mimic subjects. The
remaining actions and behaviours remained the same across both groups meaning that the only factor
being manipulated was either mimicry or lack thereof. The participants who had been mimicked
reported a greater liking and reported that the conversation carried on much smoother then what was
reported by subjects that did not receive any mirroring.

Another study showed that mimicry arouse spontaneously amongst strangers. In this study, participants
were examined interacting on two separate occasions. In the first session the researcher interacted with
the subject while purposely rubbing their face and in the second, they shook their foot. Videotapes of
the session showed that the participants mirrored the actions of the researcher, that is, when the
researcher rubbed their face, they did too, and when they shook their foot, so too did the subject. At the
end of the study, when asked of their awareness of their mannerisms the subjects pleaded ignorance to
their mimicry. This suggests that imitation when around others is spontaneous and happens without
prompting. In other words, we naturally imitate others.

Dutch researcher Rick van Baaren and colleagues in a 2003 study demonstrated that mirroring leads to
a greater sense of closeness between people. In this marketing study, body posture and mannerisms of
participants was either imitated or not. Subjects that were mirrored rated the researchers significantly
higher on a closeness rating scale. Thus, despite feigned mirroring, subjects still reported greater liking.
In a second study it was found that tipping size increased by sixty-eight percent simply by verbally
repeated the orders of patron and in a third study, individuals were more likely to help someone who
had dropped items when they had been previously mirrored.

Mirroring can therefore be a powerful and practical tool when used deliberately as evidenced by the
research. The research suggests that the propensity to mirror is an adaptive way to converse more
efficiently and smoothly. Several other studies show us that people are both more likely to imitate
others whom they like, and also like those of which they imitate. This has implications on persuasion
since liking has a profound effect on our influence of others. The research also tells us that others are
not normally aware of the mirroring that is happening around them, nor of the effect mirroring has on
their actions and beliefs. In essence, mirroring is an effective and powerful tool which can be used to
create bonds, build rapport, and in essence, get what we want from others.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

What To Mirror To Gain Favours

When people’s bodies are out of sink, the differences of opinion are amplified.
Proper mirroring is far from the game we play as children. The goal of kid’s is to irritate their opponent
with exact copying of gestures even expressions and word, whereas the goal of adults is to formulate
agreement and rapport. In adults, necessarily, more subtle mirroring must follow. In the experiments
listed above, the researchers set to mirror only those actions which occur subconsciously, those that
happen out of normal awareness. Movements such as foot shaking, body scratching, face or hair
touching or changes in posture are good ways to start the mirroring process. Your goal should always
be to avoid getting caught consciously mirroring someone else since being detected will create negative
feelings more so than if no mirroring was done at all. Motions such as leaning in, crossing legs and
folding arms can also be used, but must be done with caution since these are much larger motions and
can be more easily detected.
Echoing which is like mirroring where similar body postures are replicated, but of which happen
sometime later, is a technique that makes the rapport building process more subtle. In echoing, postures
and gestures are not concurrent with what is going on with others, but instead happen after some time
has elapsed. To be effective, echoing happens within thirty seconds to a minute of separation, but can
even happen with several minutes of separation, where only subtle rapport is felt.
Where body positions are fluent, yet echoed, and bodies seem to jive as if in an elaborate dance and
where conversation flows smoothly we find “total synchrony.” We say that these people are on the
same “wavelength.”
Some ways we mirror with our bodies:
[A] Shifting weight from one foot to the other foot or keeping the weight on the same foot.
[B] Leaning on a bar top or up against a wall or other structure.
[C] Crossing the legs in the same direction or opposite direction when facing each other.

[D] Keeping the legs uncrossed.
[E] Gesturing with the hands similarly.
[F] Drinking in unison or holding drinks with the same hand.
[G] Placing both hands, or just one hand, on the hips.
[H] Leaning in, or leaning out.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

Using Mirroring In Negotiations

Negotiation finds itself in all walks of life. Even small children know that negotiation is important as
they work to secure toys and privileges from parents and other children, although sometimes they
revert to brute force and temper tantrums! Adults focus on bigger ideas, and negotiate for jobs, salaries
and sales. Part of your occupation likely involves some form of negotiation on a daily basis but even if
it doesn’t, most people find that negotiation finds itself in their personal lives as well, if not just to
secure a better deal on a mattress or a watch at the hockshop.

We soon learn that our ability to influence, persuade, and interact with others play a large role in the
final outcome and within this social game are liking, trust and therefore rapport. He who can control
these factors best, will secure the large piece of the pie! Negotiations can be stressful affairs because
we are almost dealing with a limited resource in some respect or another and this increasing the
propensity for competition. It is the element of competition that further breeds distrust and conflict.
Having methods to dilute these negative elements are of vital importance.

One of the key factors in negotiations is the desire to withhold information especially as it applies to
more novice deal makers. We naturally expect deception and competition in deal making and so we
prepare for the worst, but in actual fact, this preconception leads us to destroy the odds of coming out
of the affair on the upside. Rather, research shows that it is the sharing of information that creates
cooperation, builds trust, and influence others such that they see your side and empathize with you.
Ultimately this empathy is what leads to positive outcomes for both parties, within the limits of
constructive possibilities for both parties, of course. When negotiating, we must still balance
cooperation and information sharing within the realms of the game such that we don’t give up too
much information or reveal the outer limits that we are prepared to submit as loses to our negotiating
partner. But this does not mean we shouldn’t be upfront about our net positions, as there is always a
possibility that both parties can find mutual benefit, but if neither party shares information, how would
anyone know what is at stake?

This brings us to mirroring as an effective tool to bring negotiators quickly onto the same page without
using risky or damaging dialogue. In a 2008 study by Maddux and colleagues individual negotiators in
an imagined negotiation scenario where instructed to subtly mirror the actions of the other. It was found
that mirroring helped them secure a better outcome and allowed them to perform better as a whole than
negotiators who were instructed to focus more on their own strategy and where no mention of
mirroring was given. The subjects that mirrored in this experiment created more value for themselves
under the parameter of the study and that benefit did not come at the expense of their opponents. The
study suggests that mirroring creates more information sharing which lead to a greater ability to bend
on concessions and hence formulate more positive outcomes for each party.

In their second study, they used two groups once again. One was instructed to mirror and the other was
instructed to use their own strategy. In this case however, the subjects either acted as a buyer or seller
and they were negotiating the purchase of a gas station. In the scenario, which was cleverly devised,

there was no overlap in the price with which the seller was willing to accept and of which the buyer
was willing to pay, making the negotiation more than about price alone. Some key outside factors that
played into the negotiation was that the seller was keen to leave quickly to travel caused by burnout
from running the gas station, but that upon his return he would require employment from the purchaser
to recover some of his expenses. This was compatible with the interests of the buyer who wanted to
hire managers to run the station in the future. The deal hinged upon the desire of the seller to divulge
this information and to what degree, if any, either party would drop or raise their closing price. Not
surprisingly, ten of fifteen groups where buyers were instructed to mirror led to an acceptable deal,
whereas only two of sixteen reached a deal where the buyer did not. They also cross referenced the
level of mirroring with deal success and found that as mirroring increased, so too did deal making. As a
positive side effect, trust also increased with mirroring.

It’s obvious from these studies that mirroring can have a profound positive effect on negotiations. They
can open the channels of communication and release valuable information between parties resulting in
creation of value, deal making and trust. When no mirroring happens, deal making suffers, but when
mirroring happens both parties stand to benefit.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

Using Mirroring In Negotiations

Negotiation finds itself in all walks of life. Even small children know that negotiation is important as
they work to secure toys and privileges from parents and other children, although sometimes they
revert to brute force and temper tantrums! Adults focus on bigger ideas, and negotiate for jobs, salaries
and sales. Part of your occupation likely involves some form of negotiation on a daily basis but even if
it doesn’t, most people find that negotiation finds itself in their personal lives as well, if not just to
secure a better deal on a mattress or a watch at the hockshop.

We soon learn that our ability to influence, persuade, and interact with others play a large role in the
final outcome and within this social game are liking, trust and therefore rapport. He who can control
these factors best, will secure the large piece of the pie! Negotiations can be stressful affairs because
we are almost dealing with a limited resource in some respect or another and this increasing the
propensity for competition. It is the element of competition that further breeds distrust and conflict.
Having methods to dilute these negative elements are of vital importance.

One of the key factors in negotiations is the desire to withhold information especially as it applies to
more novice deal makers. We naturally expect deception and competition in deal making and so we
prepare for the worst, but in actual fact, this preconception leads us to destroy the odds of coming out
of the affair on the upside. Rather, research shows that it is the sharing of information that creates
cooperation, builds trust, and influence others such that they see your side and empathize with you.
Ultimately this empathy is what leads to positive outcomes for both parties, within the limits of
constructive possibilities for both parties, of course. When negotiating, we must still balance
cooperation and information sharing within the realms of the game such that we don’t give up too
much information or reveal the outer limits that we are prepared to submit as loses to our negotiating
partner. But this does not mean we shouldn’t be upfront about our net positions, as there is always a
possibility that both parties can find mutual benefit, but if neither party shares information, how would
anyone know what is at stake?

This brings us to mirroring as an effective tool to bring negotiators quickly onto the same page without
using risky or damaging dialogue. In a 2008 study by Maddux and colleagues individual negotiators in

an imagined negotiation scenario where instructed to subtly mirror the actions of the other. It was found
that mirroring helped them secure a better outcome and allowed them to perform better as a whole than
negotiators who were instructed to focus more on their own strategy and where no mention of
mirroring was given. The subjects that mirrored in this experiment created more value for themselves
under the parameter of the study and that benefit did not come at the expense of their opponents. The
study suggests that mirroring creates more information sharing which lead to a greater ability to bend
on concessions and hence formulate more positive outcomes for each party.

In their second study, they used two groups once again. One was instructed to mirror and the other was
instructed to use their own strategy. In this case however, the subjects either acted as a buyer or seller
and they were negotiating the purchase of a gas station. In the scenario, which was cleverly devised,
there was no overlap in the price with which the seller was willing to accept and of which the buyer
was willing to pay, making the negotiation more than about price alone. Some key outside factors that
played into the negotiation was that the seller was keen to leave quickly to travel caused by burnout
from running the gas station, but that upon his return he would require employment from the purchaser
to recover some of his expenses. This was compatible with the interests of the buyer who wanted to
hire managers to run the station in the future. The deal hinged upon the desire of the seller to divulge
this information and to what degree, if any, either party would drop or raise their closing price. Not
surprisingly, ten of fifteen groups where buyers were instructed to mirror led to an acceptable deal,
whereas only two of sixteen reached a deal where the buyer did not. They also cross referenced the
level of mirroring with deal success and found that as mirroring increased, so too did deal making. As a
positive side effect, trust also increased with mirroring.

It’s obvious from these studies that mirroring can have a profound positive effect on negotiations. They
can open the channels of communication and release valuable information between parties resulting in
creation of value, deal making and trust. When no mirroring happens, deal making suffers, but when
mirroring happens both parties stand to benefit.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

What Stops Mirroring?

Because mirroring is so efficient and useful to us, it should naturally happen across all people in equal
proportions and remain consistent across time, but this is far from true. While differences in
connectivity happen between various groups of people or cliques, we also feel more connectivity to
certain individuals within a group. Therefore, mirroring will have various strengths across various
pairings. Over time our goals and needs change too, and so too do our opinions and ideals. So as we
develop, our relationships to people also change. The level of rapport we feel with another person
affects the level of mirroring, and a lack of liking can even stop mirroring dead. There are many factors
that affect mirroring or lack thereof such as inward versus outward looking people, high versus low self
monitors, and the goals desired. If mirroring should suddenly turn cold or fail to start at all, we should
be aware of possible explanation just in case it is something we can control or fix.

Inward looking people are those that define themselves specifically by virtues or characteristics
attributed directly to them. Inward looking people call themselves intelligent, tall or friendly. Outward
looking people, on the other hand, create their identity by their social role, the groups they belong to,
their friends and relationships. Someone who sees themselves outwardly will say they are a daughter, a
mother of a son, an aunt and the coach of a soccer team. Outward looking people will also be more
likely to affiliate with others, and will therefore tend to partake much more in mirroring. Inward

looking people will be found to resist mirroring, and extremely inward looking people can even
become uncomfortable with mirroring. Extreme inward looking people who wish to maintain their
identity will show their discomfort by consistently modifying their body positions to become different
than their counterparts so as to clearly maintain a line of separation.

Mirroring is also affected by another personality trait called the desire to “self monitor.” Self
monitoring is defined as the desire or ability to regulate oneself to fit into any given environment.
“High self monitors” are more likely to change their behaviour in lieu of the situation and seem to be
less consistent across context. This personality type is more likely to mirror others. “Low self
monitors” are just the opposite, and remain pretty much the same across most situations. They don’t
tend to feed off others or try to please them by acting differently in order to fit in. They seem less
interested in “belonging” to groups and seem hold the same values across settings. Naturally, this type
of person tends to mirror others much less.

The final reason for mirroring inhibition stems from having different goals. When ideas differ we want
to send a clear message that our minds don’t agree. Mirroring under perceived disagreement can
become particularly discomforting and put people on edge. Testing general agreement without using
risky verbal dialogue can be done by mirroring our counterpart and verifying the degree to which they
accept imitation. If they quickly adopt new postures, than there’s a good chance that they disagree.

Mirroring is reserved for those that are highly motivated to get along with others due to their
personality traits coupled with the rewards that are in it for them in particular.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

When Mirroring Can Backfire

Mirroring can backfire around people who want to dominate instead of build rapport. Your boss who
takes you aside and wants to put the “rivets to you” isn’t going to respond to mimicry. In fact, trying to
mirror him is likely going to make matters worse. In most cases, a dominant boss who displays
dominant body language is not interested in employing someone equally as dominant. The default
condition, or rule of thumb, to working with dominant people, unless lead otherwise (by your boss), is
to show submissive postures. Fight dominance in superiors with submission, that is, hold your legs
together, arms inward and hands on your lap.

There are a few exceptions when dominance should be fought with mirroring such as when we wish to
rise in ranks by building equality with our bosses or wish to compete head on with other dominant
people for positions or perks. Other times a boss will require someone specifically to hold a position of
dominance, so will be looking for someone who reminds them of themselves. Bosses will seek these
people for higher management. Lawyers can and should posture dominantly to each other. For them it
can work to thwart challenges. It is expected in lawyers, and in other professions, to fight fire with fire,
but in normal circumstances, mirroring will only raise the hackles of others further.

A second related instance where mirroring is not advised is during confrontation and aggression and
this defines our second rule of thumb which is to avoid mirroring in hostile situations. To avoid a full
blown fist fight, diffuse aggression with submissive postures. This doesn’t mean you can’t come out the
winner, it just requires a different approach. More than anything it requires defining winning in a
different way than traditional. In other words, walk away unscarred, alive and you’ve won!

The final caveat to mirroring is to use it only during win-win negotiations and avoid it during win-lose
negotiations. Win-lose situations are when one side clearly wins and the other looses. Poker is a win-

loose situation where one person wins the chips directly from another person, whereas win-win
situations happen anytime prices have room for flexibility such as negotiating on the price on a piece of
carpet, a car, or a house, where once the price is agreed upon both parties will benefit. Other
arrangements that are win-win are partnerships that involve no money at all, but rather an equal input
of labour. Therefore, our final rule of thumb is to only use mirroring when there is give and take
involved, or when the task includes cooperation beneficial to both sides. The caveat, of course, which
was mentioned previously, is that all mirroring must always go unnoticed for it to be effective.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

When Mirroring Creates Flow

We’re both “the captain!”
Matching speech patterns is an effective way to build rapport and create flow and it includes changing

dialect, speech rate or tempo, pitch, tonality, voice inflection, use of words and even accent. This is
what is called the “communication accommodation theory” and it has been heavily researched. It also
forms a part of neurolinguistic programming (NLP) which was covered previously. The theory’s main
proposition is that during interactions, people modify their communication behaviour and patterns to
more closely resemble the person with which they are trying to gain the most from. Gains in this
context can include social approval, employment, or to build friendships and rapport. NLP also goes
much deeper than just mirroring speech patterns to include mirroring other facets of a person’s traits.

The theory says that people can also differentiate their speech patterns so as to appear more dissimilar,
and thereby create division in personalities or ideas. As is the case with all forms of mirroring,
similarities attract. Whereas a significant portion of mirroring involves body positions, verbal mirroring
can also be potent. Accents are immediately recognized and when they appear they immediately
conjure thoughts of dissimilarity. Mirroring language patterns is a good way to quickly reduce
differences and show a willingness to interact positively. Mirroring in language can include matching
humour type, frequency and style. If speech is free of humour, than to connect with that person,
dropping humour altogether would be advantageous, but if they lace personal humour or self
deprecating humour then using a few jokes yourself can help build a connection. Similarly, matching
analogy use, the use of questions, matching chattiness or matter of factness of the conversation, use of
hand gestures, eye contact and even sentence structure can build rapport quickly. Far from being a
copy-cat game, it’s a subtle matching of the speech patterns preferable to your counterpart and adopting
them yourself. Even if we don’t consciously use this technique to build rapport, subconsciously we do
it anyway, especially if we like the person. Effective use of NLP can build comfort, relaxation and
create familiarity. Perfected, the technique will create instant friendships and lifelong bonds. At worst,
its use will lead to a lowering of barriers between people and a greater likelihood of being welcomed.

When two people match speech patterns exactly or nearly, we can this “pacing.” Conversation will
appear to flow uninterrupted and information will be shared backwards and forwards between the two
people. Pacing can include more than just verbal actions. Regulators such as head nods, gestures and
micro movements call all work together to create a rhythm. Speed of speech is one important factor to
maintain. Speaking too quickly can put pressure on people as they will feel that it is difficult to
properly express their views and opinions. Anyone who’s conducted an important interview over the
phone with a broken connection with someone they’ve never meet in person knows how hard it is to
maintain pacing. The pauses created by the poor connection leads people to jump in to speak despite
the fact that the other person hasn’t yet reaching their conclusion. This creates a choppy, disjointed,
cumbersome, and even painful conversation. Twins and family members are best at pacing, as are close
friends. Rapport is when closeness is developed making people more alike in their thought process,
than different. Speech matching is a technique that recognizes the differences in communication styles
between people, but rather than dwelling on these differences, forces people to accept and even
incorporate these traits into their own speech to quickly build rapport with others.

High order NLP in speech and rapport requires much more attention than this book can ever give it, so
this brief summary was only meant as a primer for future research. If this kind of technique fascinates
you, I highly recommend reading further, it is a very illuminating area of study.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

Why Our Pets Look Like Our Kids And Couples
Like Each Other

Why is it that married men and women look similar to each other? Do we subconsciously choose
partners that look like us, or is something else at play? You probably at least suspect by now that some
element of body language is involved, and you’d be right. A 1987 study by Zajonc and colleagues from
the University of Michigan set out to discover if couples really to look alike and why this is so. They
had subjects compare photographs of married couples when they were first married to photographs
after twenty-five years of marriage. The results showed that there was an obvious similarity within
couples, that is, they looked alike, and it was also found that couples that had greater facial similarity
tended to report greater happiness.

When couples live together they begin to look alike, and this trend happens over time, as the
researchers discovered, since new couples had less facial similarity than did older couples. This was
explained due to the tendency to mirror one another and empathize with our partners emotions. This
causes facial musculature to become increasingly more toned in similar areas as our partners. It is these
expressions that create wrinkles in specific patterns around the eyes, mouth and forehead, which in turn
carve our faces into ones that mirror our spouse. With time, the even the root facial expressions become
the norm for each and happen with or without the spouse being present. This phenomenon isn’t isolated
to our spouses, it can be found in our children, or anyone else that spend a great of time with us. It has
been said that our personality is the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Perhaps
this also extends to our facial expressions! Mirroring is a very profound force in our lives and we
should note and correct our bad habits in our expressions. When greeting your spouse, or children do
you smile gleefully or is your face expressionless or worse, does it scowl?

The appearance of our pets is an entirely different matter since animals have very restricted ability to
move their faces and the emotions they experience don’t come across to us in the same way that it does
with people. So why is it that our pets look like us, but more so like our children? The answer lies in
neoteny, for one, and secondly due to selection preference. Pets through extensive breeding tend to
have more neotenized features. For example, their eyes are often droopy, their tails and ears lay flat
instead of standing erect and they have soft fuzzy fur. Dogs through eons of artificial selection pressure
have retained only a select few traits of their wolf ancestors especially in its adult form. Humans much
prefer dogs that appear “cute”, play fetch, leap and bound, and wrestle to dogs that attack and kill prey.
It should be noted though, that some masters do relate to this type of animal and adopt similar pets.
Neoteny explains why dogs look like children, and our interests, purpose, or intention for the dog
selects the breed while our own physical appearance influences which dog breed we eventually choose.
In other words, we choose dogs in our own unique image and likeness because we relate to them. This
is why we find aggressive tattooed owners with pitbulls, dainty pink-loving celebrities with toy dogs or
“tea cups” and why tall skinny people choose bigger lengthy dogs like greyhounds.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

Who Is In Charge Of Mirroring?

An employee enters his boss’s office as he has called a meeting to discuss the possibility of a pay raise.
The employee sits down and raises his case. He has been there for several years and feels that he is due
for some form of compensation for his loyalty. As he states his case, the subordinate employee
appropriately mirrors his boss’s subtle nuances, he touches his face when he does and fixes his hair, and
leans forward when he does. As the employee hits on a particularly sensitive issue, his overtime
commitment, which the boss has been firm about being nearly mandatory for the position, the boss
quickly moves back into a full body steeple by leaning back with his hands locked behind his head and
crosses his legs in a figure four. What should the employee do? The answer is simple, he should
concede this stance to his boss as its obvious through his body language that he’s not willing to let this
issue slide. When it comes to mirroring, it is always best to use it for rapport building, and not to
induce hostility. The boss wins when it comes to dominance and should the employee mirror his
steeple, would suffer, perhaps not immediately but at a subconscious level this body language will
grind on his boss. Eventually, and if repeated with consistency, the boss would sense something wasn’t
right which might lead to even worse hours or job details. The boss would only perceive his negative
feelings about his employee as “dislike” or that “something isn’t quite right.” If the goal was to usurp
his position and take his job, the employee might consider mirroring his stance to set an air of equality
or superiority. Similarly, two high ranking individuals should mirror each other to signal that they hold
similar power and won’t be easily pushed over.

A dominant person always has more choice when it comes to mirroring than less dominant people. A
boss that wants to build rapport with his employee can acceptably let his guard down and mirror his
actions. This can be particularly handy when the goal is to welcome a new worker whom is particularly
tense or nervous. The boss should still refrain from picking up nervous cues, but he should feel
welcome to mirror any other gesture. Therefore, when considering the use of mirroring, it is important
to note the relative status in the hierarchy. The rule of thumb is that the most dominant individual calls
the shots in mirroring, and so long as gestures aren’t dominant displays, others should feel free to
follow to successfully build rapport.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

Who Mirrors More, Men Or Women?

Research conducted in 1981 by researcher Marianne La France out of Boston College found that
women are much more likely to mirror others than men, and the more feminine the women the greater
their mirroring. This isn’t surprising at all given the nature of mirroring. As we have covered thus far,
mirroring is a form of empathy and rapport building. Mirroring is also a form of submission because
one person must initiate positions first, and the other must follow. Women are nurtures by nature and so
tend to want to build relationships, one of the tools they use more proficiently is mirroring.

Further research suggests that men are four times less likely to mirror other men, than women are to
mirror another woman. Women have also been found to frequently mirror men, whereas men rarely, or
only reluctantly, mirror other women, with only one exception, that being during courtship. The reason
for this lies in Erno Herman’s research with Leiden University in Netherlands who in 2006 discovered
that the administration of testosterone to subjects reduced empathetic behavior through facial mimicry.

As mirroring requires an emotional connection in the form of empathy, estrogen rather than
testosterone, is a more facilitative hormone. This gives us vital clues to the role of mirroring, and brings
us back full circle to the core issue dealt with here, which is that mirroring is a form of rapport
building, of which men are less prone to take advantage of.

The fact, as we have covered extensively in this chapter, remains that mirroring can be a great skill in
most all facets of life. If you don’t already have it as a part of your repertoire, you should, and if you
are a man, should consider it strongly because chances are you don’t do it naturally. Women rate men
who display more facial emotions as more caring, intelligent, interesting and attractive which is freely
reported by women especially during courtship. This trend naturally extends throughout other areas of
life, especially business, but a certain degree of minimizing of expressions should be used when men
deal with other men. The research tells us that men tend to rate men who mirror facial expressions in a
negative light, describing them as more effeminate. Along the same lines, women who adopt more
serious facial expressions when interacting with men, will be seen by them as more intelligent. Thus, to
appeal to the opposite sex, the rule of thumb is to use “sex swapping characteristics” whereby we bend
toward the sex’s preferences to create more similarity. In other words, men should appear a bit more
feminine when interacting with women, and women should appear a bit more masculine when
interacting with men.

Men are at an inherent mirroring disadvantage though as researchers have found that they can make
fewer than one third the facial expressions that a woman can. What they lack for in facial expressions,
though, they make up for in emotional expressions through the body. Therefore, reading body cues is a
much better area to consider when reading men. The lack of facial expressions in men, which might be
seen as a natural disadvantage, is turned into dominance because men appear less emotional and more
“in control”, appearing to maintain their “cool” under more circumstances than women. This doesn’t
mean that men fail to experience emotions, because brain scans tell us otherwise. It just means that men
are better able to hide their emotions from the rest of us. Women shouldn’t be fooled into thinking men
aren’t listening or even empathizing with them simply due to their pan-faced expressions. Women
should though, be more watchful of men’s body language, that which happens in areas other than their
face, to read their emotions and when they mirror should follow what happens with their arms and legs
rather than what happens in their faces which will only be minimal. Conversely, men should do their
best to mirror women’s faces as best they can, and make up for whatever expressivity is lacking
through other body language channels.

Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport

Summary – Chapter 12

In this chapter we found that mirroring is one of the quickest and most efficient ways to build rapport
with other people. It can be done consciously to gain an advantage and if done properly will go without
noticed. It is effective to create liking, acceptance and formulate bonds. We discussed the chameleon
affect where unconscious mimicry of postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours
occur between people of like minds. We looked at various studies showing that even purposeful
mirroring has positive effects, creates and reveals liking in others, and helps gain approval. We found
that proper mirroring is unlike the childhood game “copy-cat” where we imitate to irritate.

Proper mirroring, we found, works best by subtly picking up on unconscious gestures such as foot
shaking, body scratching, face or hair touching or changes in posture. We discussed that mirroring that
includes more dramatic gestures like leaning in, crossing legs, or folding arms, must always be done