downwards towards the crotch. Popularized by old western movies cowboys would use a combination
of this posture and the hands-on-hips (or gun) posture to show how macho they were. Because it draws
attention once again to the crotch, it is rarely used by women. Women tend to have to use less
aggressive, yet more sensual means to show off, such as thrusting their chest outward by rolling their
shoulders back, or parting the legs slightly leaving them uncrossed. When amongst other men, the
cowboy pose says that they are unafraid and can dominate. This posture is tolerable as a dominance
display in men because it lacks the pompousness we can sometimes find coming from in-your-face
displays. The cowboy pose is equal to the figure-four-leg cross with respect to perception by others and
use acceptability. This not withstanding, the posture still needs to be used with caution.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
The Military Man
The ‘military’ or ‘regal’ stance occurs when the hands are clasped behind the back. This high
confidence posture was made popular by royalty.
The “military man” sometimes called the “regal stance” when carried by royalty is a posture that occurs
by placing the hands, palm in palm behind the back openly exposing the chest, usually accompanied by
chin up and out, and head held back. The hand gripping the wrist or upper arm in behind the back sends
an emotional message of frustration and an attempt at self control, but forms no part of what is said by
the military man. Usually the feet of the military man are splayed outward so as to take up more space
and dominance, which is opposite to tibial torsion when the toes point inward to signal submission.
When the feet are turned outward, they indicate that a person is upset, being threatened or is
threatening others. When it comes to the feet, the wider the feet are spread the more confrontation is
displayed since when people ready to fight, they wish to carry a more balanced stance to avoid getting
knocked over. In other words, legs will never be crossed during confrontation for the simple fact that it
becomes much more difficult to escape an attack or fight a battle. Subconsciously our brains know this
well, so won’t permit it. Likewise, as people become less agreeable their feet will become more spaced
out. Therefore, as a way to reduce tension during conflict, adopt a less splayed posture, or even keep
the legs crossed showing a lack of desire to compete.
The military man posture is reserved almost exclusively for dominant individuals, leaders, and those of
high status and others who expect little or no challenge whatsoever of their authority. It is popular
among lawyers, doctors, university professors, policemen or high ranking military personnel such as
sergeants. Those in the military can be seen competing within rank by ever increasing leg splaying. It
can also be found in (over) confident store clerks, oddly enough, who parade their booths during slow
periods presumably seeking someone to commerce with. Power is nearly the exclusive meaning
delivered by the posture as it exposes the full front of the body to possible attack; even invites it with
an extended pointed chin. The message is also one that says “Don’t come near me, I’m important and I
shouldn’t be touched!” The Queen of England and Prince Philip are noted with this body language due
to their high rank and importance.
A challenge to fight – the chin pops out tempting our opponent.
Boxers learn early on to tuck their chins down to protect it, as it is the easiest way to produce a knock
out, opposite to the military man. The chin blow is so devastating in combat because when the jaw is
hit hard enough with the right technique, it slams directly into the temporal mandibular nerve
producing shock. Not to mention the fact that hard punches sloshes the brain violently around inside
the skull cavity which can lead to internal bleeding and swelling. The wiring-our nervous system, is
very complicated and also interconnected so a blow to one nerve can send shockwaves throughout the
body. This nerve in particular, while vulnerable, also controls the lips, sinuses and digestion among
others. Hitting it hard and suddenly is effectively like putting the body into sensory overload causing it
to suddenly shut down. In fact, successful boxers want what is called “good chin” or the ability to
repeatedly endure blows to the head and chin without passing out. The military man, on the other hand,
is one who dares someone to attack their chins by making it an overt target. He says, “Go ahead take a
swipe, see what it gets you in return.”
Other times, the military man posture is intended to show a readiness to be open an inviting, although it
fails in this regard. We’ve all avoided the eerily empty mall shop whose underpaid employee or
distraught owner paces to and fro with his hands to his back. One has to wonder if the empty shop is
the cause or effect. Does the body language repel customers or does the body language come from
being repelled by customers? I suspect the latter, but this represents my body language bias. Naturally,
the clerks would be served well to drop the posture altogether and instead offer something more
welcoming.
Police use the military-man posture to put their confidence on display. They know their uniform, badge,
and the law they serve, protects them from challenges. School principals and teachers who want to set a
strong first impression can also be seen touring their territory with their arms to their backs. My high
school principle, in retrospect was mild mannered and quiet, he used his posture to show others he
meant business. The next principle, much younger and green, faired far worse in maintaining order. He
used his mouth far too often to try to set his tone which merely invited attacks. Evolutionarily speaking
the military man is a strutting posture and so it can preemptively avoid potentially harmful physical
show-downs between rival men. Other possible root origins stem from its concealment properties. In
other words, a spear, knife or other makeshift sharp object might be cocked at the ready to be sprung on
unsuspecting challengers – you’d never know, so why risk it! If you had no other choice, would you
physically jump a confident looking authority figure or the man hunched over who avoids eye contact?
In other words, sometimes the military man posture makes great sense.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
What Does Thumbing Indicate?
Exposed thumbs indicate high confidence. When we feel insecure we tuck our thumbs out of view.
In Shakespeare’s Romen and Juliet, Capulet’s servant Sampson induces a fight by biting his thumb at
Montague’s servant Abraham. This traditional Sicilian gesture is performed today by placing the thumb
behind the upper incisors and flicking the thumb forward toward the person you wish to insult. The
symbol means “To hell with you.” The thumbs down gesture would have meant death in Roman times
for a gladiator, while the thumbs shooting off to the side is associated with a negative thought about
someone we wish not to offer respect. It begins or ends a conversation such as “I told you about that
guy over there (followed by thumbing in their direction) …he’s up to no good.” However, not all thumb
gestures are negative as we see with the thumbs up gesture in western cultures.
Thumb displays denote
superiority and royalty has made them famous, but they have also been adopted by lawyers trying to
seem noble and important. One way thumb displays happen is by placing all but the thumbs in the front
pockets of a vest or suite jacket, or by knuckling the vest and leaving the thumbs out. Thumbs-up can
also turn a timid interlaced fingers gesture into a positive thoughts gesture by flaring the thumbs up
during conversation. Thumbs-out is a representation of ego, dominance, confidence, comfort,
assertiveness and sometimes even aggressiveness. The thumbs out gesture is usually found in clusters
with other dominant body language. For example, to denote superiority, the legs would also be spread
apart, the chest puffed out to appear larger and the head held back, all the while glaring down the nose
at any onlookers. The thumbs up gesture, wherever it happens, is a form of “gravity defying’ body
language. This means that it is related to positive emotions since it requires energy to do and people
that are depressed aren’t interested in burning energy especially wastefully.
We rarely see those with low status carry this posture, but if we do, we certainly will know something
“important” about them! Sometimes our boss will be caught walking around his office holding this
posture signifying his dominance, or at least his attempt at dominance. Men seeking the affection and
attention of women will also sometimes carry thumbing postures, but they might downplay their
dominant attitude by holding their hands in their back pockets so as to hide them. Another variation
altogether includes flaunting the thumbs by placing them under the arm whilst folded. This last posture
is a closed, yet dominant cue cluster. The crossed arms tell others that they are closed off from
communication while the exposed thumbs reveal superiority.
The polar opposite to the thumb display is hidden thumbs which may happen by placing just the
thumbs in front pockets with the remaining fingers outside. This posture says “I’m unsure of myself”
and denotes extreme low confidence and low status. Hidden thumbs can be found when people are
timid, insecure, or feel social discomfort and is a childhood throwback to when children stand in front
of their parents looking disappointed and saddened.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
Displays Of Ownership And Territory To
Indicate Dominance
“Fences make great neighbours” seems like a great truism for our day and we see just as many fences
going up as we do houses. Humans are very social, but it is also obvious that we are deeply territorial.
While in public, a wife might display ownership of her husband by hooking her arm around his, or he
might throw an arm around her just the same. We show that an automobile that we are proud of is ours
by leaning up against it or placing a foot on its bumper or ownership of a desk by tossing our feet up on
top of it. We display ownership of our houses and personal affair by adding personal touches and might
even block the entry to our homes by solicitors through clogging the doorway with our bodies.
Territorial lines are drawn everywhere in our lives from the particularities of our offices and
automobiles, right down to the rooms in our own homes, and whom has access to them. We even have
boundaries around our bodies which we protect rigorously. The more dominant the individual, the more
apt they are to have and hold rigid boundaries about their personal space and possessions. For example,
walking into your boss’s office and sitting in his chair won’t come with a welcome reception. But
amongst friends, this type of chair stealing happens frequently and can even become a game, due
largely to the fact that you and your friends are of equal status. It wouldn’t be uncommon for the boss’s
children to play this game with their dad, so in some context, stealing territory is perfectly tolerable
with all people.
Only sometimes does first come – first serve, apply to territories. Squatter’s rights as it where is also
organized by hierarchy. Those with higher rank can often force others to move, even just by their
presence. Sitting at the head of a table is fine so long as you are the highest rank to date, but if someone
of higher rank appears, it’s customary to relinquish, or at least offer the seat to them. Members of a
staff who are close in rank can sometimes power play each other for these seats at the boardroom table
in attempt to move up. The body language in these situations can become very potent as the desires of
each party becomes more evident. Your office staff knows which seats are most coveted!
Leaders also get permission to move through doorways first and walk in front of groups instead of
follow, and it is customary to allow them to do so. The exception, as always, comes when we wish to
usurp their position, challenge their authority, or try to build equality where we might trade dominance
rights back and forth.
Placing objects such as jackets and brief cases on a seat can hold it and delineate temporary ownership.
It is often easier and more polite to force an actual person to move than to move their unattended
personal items to usurp their space. Anyone who has spent anytime at a laundry mat knows how
piercing the stares and looks can be when you remove clothing from an un-attended dryer. Break-and-
enter-victims complain most, not about being robbed of their possessions, but rather about feeling of
violation. It is unnerving to have had someone enter their personal space and hence territory without
their permission. Territoriality is a big part of the human repertoire. We rarely think about ownership of
people, but placing an arm over someone, playfully messing up their hair or guiding them to where we
want them to go by placing a hand to their back, as a parent would his child, are just a few ways that
we show others that we own and control them.
Bragging is an appropriate word that describes dominant behaviour in the same context with
ownership. Dominance is also not the same as confidence. Dominance just means that someone has
specific ideas about how they should be treated whereas confidence is a state of mind where a person
remains unshaken emotionally despite what happens externally. Therefore, dominant people can still
harbour insecurities about themselves which is evident through ownership because they will spend a lot
of time talking about, or drawing attention to their stuff. Naturally, this sort of thing happens
subconsciously, or even out of habit. Touching or fondling an expensive watch or piece of jewelry, or
going out of their way to be seen in an expensive car are just two examples of flaunting. Truly
confident people have no need to show-off to others, their achievements are grand enough to speak for
themselves and their earned success emanates from them through their nonverbal behaviour. There’s a
fine line between being cocky or arrogant and having to flaunt it in a way that others will find
offensive, and being confident, which is exuded seemingly naturally of which people find magnetic.
Confidence is one of those things that we all know it when we see it. Dominance that is justified by
accomplishments is certainly more tolerable, and with the addition of compassion and empathy, can
make all the difference in people’s acceptance of other’s dominance and the behaviour that follows.
Dominance is also expressed through claiming stake to valuable items, or the prevention of touching
certain things, or even occupying certain space. Preventing others from doing things, even at random is
a luxury afforded to, and by, powerful people. Even when seating is unassigned we often see the same
people day-after-day sitting in the same seats. This may have to do with maintain peace when it
happens on a first come first served basis, but when there is a shortage of quality positions, as there
most often is, we expect to see more dominant players jockey for more highly desirable areas. This is
exactly what does happen and because we live in a capitalist society, it happens everywhere and often.
Those higher in the ranks will have the best parking spots and the biggest offices, with the best view.
Thwarting dominance by ownership is fairly simple but also a possibly caustic affair. It can be done by
stealing a seat which will be seen as an invasion of territory, it could include getting into their personal
space, leaning on their cars, putting feet on their furniture or desk or being overly-friendly with them.
Being intimate with someone they are close to, such as a current or past romantic partner, or as in a
father-daughter relationship, his daughter, are all ways to fight dominance head on! Obviously, you
must be careful what you choose, as head-to-head dominance struggles are the beginnings of war!
When there is an imbalance of power between dominant people, one party will quickly succeed to the
other, but when two parties are evenly match, or believe that they are, the struggle can draw out
indefinitely producing emotional of even physical injury. So instead of antagonizing your dominant
counterparts, instead work on building your own dominance independently of their through confident
body language, examples of which are peppered throughout this book!
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
Dominance By Setting And Breaking Social
Rules
Rules are always created by, and then in turn, broken by dominant individuals! Dominant individuals
are the rule makers, not the rule followers. It’s sad but true, that police officers enjoy greater luxuries
than regular citizens. Just ask any policemen what they do if the get pulled over for speeding. Do you
really think they get a ticket? I won’t get into absolutes here, but I do personally know two officers who
have explained to me that a flash of the badge gets them off every time. I would expect this to be the
norm, not the exception, but there is no empirical way to be certain.
This sort of logic all starts at home, as parents make and break their own rules routinely. Is it any
surprise that whinny children have whinny parents? Even small children can readily pick-out these
injustices, but since they are still highly dependent on their parents to feed, house and cloth them, they,
put up only a small amount of resistance. As children reach their teenage years, these inconsistencies
are tolerated less and less by them as they tend to set their own course. They are separating themselves
from their parents and taking on their own dominance characteristics, naturally, controlling inconsistent
parents see this as disrespect.
This isn’t unlike what happens when dominant people meet as adults. Dominant people will often
interrupt others or speak over them, casually swear in the wrong company and generally act
inappropriately without fear of consequence. Dominance can also take the form of belittling and
criticizing others, and holding thoughts such as “I’m more important then you”. It can also include
ridiculing others and their possessions, such as their cars or occupations.
Touching also has rules which can be broken in order to set others in their place. A pat on the back can
be disingenuous when used in certain context, whereas a light punch on the shoulder can be uplifting to
a buddy. Punching can be annoying if done repeatedly to exercise control. There is a pretty clear line
between being dominant in a good way versus being belligerent.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
Dominance By Setting And Breaking Social
Rules
Rules are always created by, and then in turn, broken by dominant individuals! Dominant individuals
are the rule makers, not the rule followers. It’s sad but true, that police officers enjoy greater luxuries
than regular citizens. Just ask any policemen what they do if the get pulled over for speeding. Do you
really think they get a ticket? I won’t get into absolutes here, but I do personally know two officers who
have explained to me that a flash of the badge gets them off every time. I would expect this to be the
norm, not the exception, but there is no empirical way to be certain.
This sort of logic all starts at home, as parents make and break their own rules routinely. Is it any
surprise that whinny children have whinny parents? Even small children can readily pick-out these
injustices, but since they are still highly dependent on their parents to feed, house and cloth them, they,
put up only a small amount of resistance. As children reach their teenage years, these inconsistencies
are tolerated less and less by them as they tend to set their own course. They are separating themselves
from their parents and taking on their own dominance characteristics, naturally, controlling inconsistent
parents see this as disrespect.
This isn’t unlike what happens when dominant people meet as adults. Dominant people will often
interrupt others or speak over them, casually swear in the wrong company and generally act
inappropriately without fear of consequence. Dominance can also take the form of belittling and
criticizing others, and holding thoughts such as “I’m more important then you”. It can also include
ridiculing others and their possessions, such as their cars or occupations.
Touching also has rules which can be broken in order to set others in their place. A pat on the back can
be disingenuous when used in certain context, whereas a light punch on the shoulder can be uplifting to
a buddy. Punching can be annoying if done repeatedly to exercise control. There is a pretty clear line
between being dominant in a good way versus being belligerent.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
The Dominant Control Their Faces
Extremely dominant individuals will smile far less then subordinate people because their disposition
requires them to do so. They don’t want to appear emotional, because emotions stem from feelings and
dominant people have none! Of course this isn’t entirely true, they do show emotions, but the emotions
they do disclose via facial expressions are limited and usually meant to show that they are reserved and
in control.
Dominant people will use disapproving frowns, snarls or pursed lips. They might squint while in
conversation, or avoid eye contact altogether, or even hold prolonged unblinking eye contact.
Dominant people can also hold a blink for longer periods of time as if to temporarily shut the world
out. To disarm this “extended blinker” try moving one step to the side while they are in mid blink. It is
sure to freak them out!
To summarize, being social isn’t a huge priority to a dominant person, they are more concerned with
maintain control of others around them instead of trying to make friends or maintain strong emotional
bonds. Dominant people figure that whatever socialization is will find them so they won’t go looking
for it. Obviously, in business and in life certain characteristics held by dominant people are important,
but extremities in any facet is nearly always counterproductive. Showing confidence by holding eye
contact is important, but maintaining too much eye contact such as what an extremely dominant person
might do, such that it sends shivers down the spine, sends the reverse message. It can negate the
existence of others as people, turning them into objects, and seem to cut through them.
Ways of responding to dominance is by using more open body language to disarm them. Cutting
through their rigidity with jokes and light hearted humour is another great way to put them into a good
mood and break their serious attitude. When trying to break dominant people it is important to avoid
submitting from the start, instead try to build an equal footing to foster their respect. You can try to out-
stare them by looking at the bridge of their nose instead of their eyes, which can really unsettle them.
However, fighting fire with fire in this manner is risky, at best, and requires one to put on a possibly
uncomfortable show. The safest alternative is to just ignore their negativity and play yourself up as
even more friendly trying to find common interests to help build rapport.
Breaking down touch barriers can also help, but again, this is risky. Touching breaks shields down and
the most dominant of people will be taken aback unless the touching is warranted and tactfully
executed. When you touch a dog, be prepared for the bark!
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
Touching Between And Amongst The Sexes
Touching influences how we feel about people.
Studies show that touching between men, especially in the workplace, is usually related to power plays
and social jostling. An employer will place his hand on the shoulder or back of an employee to reaffirm
his status while offering encouragement. Such displays are inappropriate in reverse and wouldn’t
usually be tolerated. If touching is well received though, it indicates that strong rapport is being built
between the ranks and a promotion might be forthcoming. Men can use touch, as a means to raise their
status by initiating it against men of slightly higher status than them. If done tactfully, it can create a
leveling effect and force them to reevaluate the rank they have attributed to you. If touching is done
incorrectly, it will catch high status individuals off guard producing a negative effect that can be
difficult or impossible to correct. Men, overall, rate touching less positively as a rule when compared to
women, so touching initiated against men should be sparse.
Touching between men and women often outlines sexual interest and when women touch each other, it
is often done out of friendship or to extend sympathy or formulate bonds. Family members also use
touching such as hugs and kisses to display affection. Touching comforts are different from person to
person and also of different cultures. The kiss hello for example is commonplace in Switzerland,
Southern Europe, Latin America and the Mediterranean. It is uncommon in North America, Asia and
some of Northern and Western Europe. Localized kiss hellos happens in Miami and Quebec for
example and even in regional neighbourhoods such as with Italian or Hispanics. As far as hand holding
goes, it is commonplace in the Middle East to symbolize friendship and respect when done between
adult men. Even President George Bush was spotted holding Saudi’s crown Prince Abdullah’s hand
which scored points with the locals, but became water cooler material for people in the U.S.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
Touching To Get What You Want.
Touching is a primitive grooming gesture.
A study by Chris Keinke in 1980 revealed that touch can influence compliance with a request. In the
study, an experimenter left a dime in a phone booth in a Boston airport. As the subjects emerged from
the airport the experimenter asked for the return of their dime. It was found that compliance was more
frequent when the request was accompanied by a light touch on the arm. A similar study in 1982 by
Joel Brockner and colleagues showed comparable findings but specify that only sixty three percent of
the non-touched returned the dime, whereas ninety six percent of those that were touched returned the
dime.
Further research shows that justification that accompanying a light touch also helps in compliance.
Therefore, we can add to the effectiveness of touching by briefly outlining our reasoning. It might go
something like “I’ve left a dime here, and I really need it to make an important phone call.” followed
by a light touch of the arm or forearm “Have you seen it”. This approach would have the most
significant results. Other studies show similar results when people are asked to sign a petition or in a
super market when asked to sample a new product. In the study, half of the shoppers were briefly
touched, while the other half was not. The results show that, not only were people more likely to test
the food, but they were also more likely to buy the product as well. Touching customers in a store also
resulted in increased shopping time and more positive evaluation of the store. Patrons of taverns in the
U.S. who were touched spent more time drinking and also consumed more alcohol then patrons that
were not touched by the staff. In reference to tipping behaviour, touch was also a factor. Patrons that
were touched by the waiter or waitress were far more likely to tip and to also tip higher. It seems that
slight touching of a stranger on the upper arm has a very powerful affect on cooperation. The effects of
touch has been widely studied and the influence it has on behaviour and requests are conclusive,
touching really can help you get what you want from others.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
Touching Heals Us Both
A warm embrace makes our body release positive hormones.
According to the research, healing happens just by holding hands and hugging. Men and women can
both be made more healthy just by sharing touch. In a study by Dr. James Coan, a researcher from the
University of Virginia who measured the response of men warned of an electric shock as they were
placed in a MRI machine showed that holding the hand of a spouse actually helped them turn off part
of the brain so they felt less distress. The handholding reduced agitation in the hypothalamus which is
responsible for producing stress hormones. Over time, stress hormones can weaken the immune system
and lead to sickness.
For women, a long and affectionate hug from men releases the bonding hormone oxytocin which helps
reduce blood pressure and helps the health of the heart. Men, try this for yourself. The next time your
wife or girlfriend start into you, give her a long embrace. At first she will squirm and appear to suffer,
but after a few seconds she will begin to accept the hug and her brain will release oxytocin. Soon, she
will forget her reasons for feeling so upset. It’s a dirty trick, but very effective, and your wife might
even thank (me)!
For men however, snuggling is slightly (a lot) less powerful, and where hugs leave off, sex takes over.
For men, oxytocin surges up to fives times that of normal immediately before he reaches orgasm. In a
study at Queen’s University in Belfast on nearly one thousand middle aged men followed over a
decade, it was found that men who had sex at least three times a week had a fifty percent reduction in
risk of heart attack or stroke. Those who reported the most frequent orgasms had a death rate of one-
and-a-half less then less sexually active men. So for both sexes touch can be very effective for the
health, although the currency of touch differs significantly amongst the sexes. Of course, there’s really
no reason a good long hug can’t turn into something much more!
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
The Power Of The Pause
Using fillers such as “umms” and “ahhhs” or “You know what I’m talking about.” weaken speech. The
simple solution is to inject more pauses. Instead of filling your language with junk, punctuating the
point with a pause can be so much more effective. The mind can only work so fast and a tongue stuck
in overdrive can lead to disaster. Our perception of time also changes while under pressure. As our
heart races, four to fives seconds can feel like an eternity! For some, even speaking to a small group of
three or four can seem like a large audience, applying even more pressure. However, pauses in speech
can increase our credibility significantly as people are given more time to process the information we
have given them.
The best speakers know that they won’t be cut off and this lack of fear (if this is the reason for the filler
sounds) is notably absent. Filling the silence with words indicates to others that you are tentative,
unsure and less dominant and in control. The only function filler words serve, is to dilute the words we
do say, and make the entire collection of words less powerful. Don’t be afraid to leave an audience with
silence as you collect your thoughts. Be sure to take time to breath, and therefore think, and use
dialogue in short bursts followed by pauses and reflection. Alpha men and women are never afraid of
silence, it is their ally and speaking at a half rate is not a terrible strategy either. It gives them twice as
much time to think and also builds a huge amount of credibility.
Listening to someone who uses good speech rate, tone, and pitch, on the other hand, can be inspiring.
Politicians are especially adept at the pause. Senator Barack Obama in the 2008 Democratic race used
pause more effectively than any other U.S. presidential candidate in recent time. His speech so much
resembled a priest addressing his congregation, that it was startling and even frightening. He paused
frequently to allow the crowd to cheer or stir beckoning for more.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
Speed Of Speech
If you have ever critically examined a politician speak you have noticed how slowly and deliberately
they work. In his bid for candidacy in 2008, Barack Obama used some of the most eloquent speech
patterns of anyone in recent times. He spoke very slowly and used pauses often to show his dominance.
He wasn’t afraid to pause and leave his audience wanting which made his presence much more
powerful and placed much more emphasis on the fewer words he used. People that are awkward will
speak much more quickly and rush their thoughts. Very few speakers can think as fast as their mouth
can run. Inevitably speed talkers end up chucking a foot in their mouth on their way to the finish line.
Use words more sparingly and choose your words more carefully. When listening, note the speed with
which people speak to effectively measure their perceived or real level of dominance.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
Tonality And Voice Depth
The differences between the sexes is huge when it comes to our voices. Women’s voices are nearly
twice as high pitched as men’s so with only rare exceptions, we all know which sex is speaking even
without seeing them. The term “pitch” is defined as the voices “highness” or “lowness” of the voice
which is affected by the natural body chemical androgen. Androgen is the male sex hormone which is
also tied to physical prowess and aggressiveness and also loosely tied to a competitor’s health and
vigor.
In 2005 Anthropologist David Puts used voice recordings of men to study the relationship between the
tone of the voice and men’s attractiveness. He was able to increase and decrease the pitch of the voices
using computer software to make the recording more or less dominant. Puts found that low-pitched
masculine voices increased ratings of men’s physical and social dominance. He also found that men
who felt they were more dominant than their competitors tended to lower their voices when speaking
with them. Additionally, men who had deeper voices also reported having had more sexual partners
over the year previous to the study. Naturally, women have also been shown to prefer men with lower
pitched voices for short-term sexual relationships. Voice pitch can also help men rise in social
dominance. For men, this means plenty. It means that lowering the voice can lead to a better
attractiveness rating in the eye of women and can also be used as a tool to build dominance and
leadership.
The pitch of the human voice also varies with emotional state. Even actors are able to portray different
feelings based on their voice. You can imagine a father with his baby where he draws out his voice and
makes it more like mom so he can grab his infants attention. Women can also lower their voices to be
more like dad to scorn their children or conversely screech at them when they are really upset. The
tendency to raise the pitch of the voice at the end of each sentence to make all statements seem like
questions, is a bad habit adopted frequently by young women. If carried into adulthood, it can be
disastrous in a business context. People read this inflection as a signal of insecurity and believe that you
are unsure about what you are saying. In a business context, it is always best to be direct and act with
conviction.
Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures
Summary – Chapter 8
This chapter was focused on dominant and submissive gestures and how they can be used to reach
specific goals depending on the situation. One of those goals was conflict avoidance by reducing body
size. We found that melting into the background by “sinking in the chair” or pulling the arms inward,
pulling the shoulders down and rounding them, hunching in, pulling the chin in and pulling the legs or
knees closer together can help to send a non-threatening signal and calm an attacker. Next we looked at
how height relates to dominance and spelled out tactics to put ourselves at an advantage be it by taking
up a seated position (to level ourselves) or taking to an elevated stage or position. We saw in this
chapter that relaxed body language signals ownership and confidence so we should look for a lack of
muscle tension, freely moving hands, feet and torso, along with open body postures, to read which
people are most confident.
We also found that the head signals nonverbally, for example, the headshake signals a negative thought,
whereas the head nod can mean agreement such as in the west or can mean submission or even that a
speaker is being heard in Japan, head down represents judgment or a negative thought when
accompanied by similar cues in cluster, head tilted shows interest and head back means disapproval.
We discovered that dominant positions are generally also considered open postures and submissive
postures are also usually considered closed postures. This theory allowed us to conclude that the chair
straddler was both opened and therefore dominant, but also cowardly because the back of the chair
formed a barrier from where he or she might throw figurative arrows or spears. We found that legs
spread is a dominant gesture and of degree; the greater the spread the more dominant and at some point
outright offensive, as in the case of having the leg over the arm of a chair. The full body steeple where
both hands are up and behind the head while seated with or without the figure-four leg cross is both
confident and dominant, but also depicts a relaxed disposition. We covered that titling backwards in the
chair is dominant and casual, having the hands on hips is to imitate a peacock and appear larger and
more attractive dominant or in charge, and that the cowboy pose with thumbs in belt loops popularized
by old western’s is macho. We learned that the military man who exposes his torso with his hands,
palm in palm to his back delineates power.
We then covered the importance of thumbs and how they show importance and superiority, how fences
make great neighbours, and methods we display ownership one of which is by breaking social rules or
via body language through control of facial expressions. We found that touching between men
symbolizes power plays and social jostling, but between men and women, usually signifies sexual
interest and that light touching helps gain compliance even from strangers. We also outlined why we
should avoid filling our language with junk instead of simply punctuating a point, how talking fast
makes us appear insecure or nervous unlike Barack Obama and how low-pitched masculine voices
increased ratings of men’s physical and social dominance.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Introduction – Chapter 9
I think she has choice words for you.
In this chapter we will cover defensive and aggressive body language. By examining them together we
can link them in our minds, yet keep them distinctive since they are near opposites. We use defensive
body language to figuratively protect ourselves against aggression, which isn’t always physical either.
In fact, the vast majority of the body language we will see, and appropriately label defensive, is that
which stems from emotional roots. After all, our evolution selected defensive body language came
about under primarily physical circumstances. Being yelled at, or scolded by a superior or rival, is
similar in a visceral sense to physical abuse. Any emotionally abused victim will tell you that the
suffering they experienced, is equally, if not more sever than that experienced by those physically
abused. In most cases threats in our daily lives come in much milder forms, such as high pressure sales,
a heated discussion, or a disagreement.
Defensive body language is a set of postures that make the body feel protected, secure and comfortable
in awkward situations. Defensive body language is also similar to submissive body language in that the
postures are aimed at protecting vulnerable parts of our bodies, or in size reduction turning our bodies
into smaller targets.
Aggressive body language is nearly the mirror opposite. Here the body prepares for a real or figurative
attack as it becomes loose or tenses up and tries to appear larger and more threatening. Aggressive body
language can happen by clenching the fists, finger pointing or flared nostrils more technically termed
“nasal wing dilation”, and much more as we will see. Aggressive body language is simple to read and
classify because we instinctively find them to be a salient part of our lives. In fact, it is hard to go
through life without properly identifying aggressive body language. By missing cues to aggression,
even just once, it leads to disastrous conclusions which we naturally learn in short order how to avoid.
Defensive body language, on the other hand, because it is less of a threat, can easily be mistaken for
regular actions in a persons repertoire and be ignored. This is why we cover defensive body language in
much greater detail.
This chapter will cover defensive body language such as the double arm hug, partial arm cross, arm
gripping, fist clenching, the use of “security blankets” for comfort, using stiff arms, how barriers are
used to reduce angles of attack, how barriers like books and headphones can be used to our advantage,
in addition to others. We will then cover aggressive body language and signals of aggression such as
the unblinking eyes and personal space invaders.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Double Arm Hug
She might be cold, or she might want to feel protected.
Hugging one’s self is a defensive and closed body position. Those who take up this posture invariably
exclaim that they are cold, which is sometimes the case, but usually the cold sensation is a function of
feeling awkward and uptight. When temperature is actually a factor, the arms will cross and the hands
will be tucked under the armpits in effort to heat them up. Other times, the arms will hug the body
tightly in a full embrace but they will shiver and hold their legs stiff crossing them tightly as if they
need to use the washroom. If these cues are not present, and we still see a double arm hug it’s due to
feeling uncomfortable and not feeling cold. By watching for all the cues in the cluster it is easy to tell
which attitude is really present.
Those that habitually cross their arms are usually not aware that they are sending a bad message to
others. However, arm crossing is a universally defensive posture so it is important to be aware of its
use. In a business meeting or in a job interview holding the double arm hug posture will be read by
others as being disagreeable even if the person really is cold. This effect might pass over if other’s feel
the same chill, but when only one person in the room is seen looking uncomfortable, they will sense
that something is up, even if just subconsciously. Those that are timid and shy by nature can also get
the short end of the stick as others will quickly dismiss them as rude or antisocial.
When someone complains of feeling cold where the room temperature doesn’t warrant it, is a direct
response to a limbic brain command that shunts blood from the skin toward the major muscles in
preparation for the fight or flight response. The large muscles like the legs and arm need blood in order
to prepare for combat and escape. This is largely in effect when people seem to go pale when under
extreme stress and why others lose their apatite when under pressure. Again the blood moves away
from the intestines toward the major muscles producing a cold sensation on the surface of the skin as
blood moves deeper.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Partial Arm Cross
One variation of the partial arm cross.
This is a typically female posture and happens by holding reaching across the body to grab the opposite
elbow in the hand while that arm is left vertically dangling to the side.
A variation of the posture happens by reaching across the body and grab the opposite shoulder rather
than the opposite arm. While the double arm huge is a defensive postures, the partial arm cross is a
subtle posture that indicates fear, timidity, shyness and lack of self confidence. Both are barrier type
postures which protect the core of the body like a shield to signals to others that we don’t wish for them
to come close. The origins of the partial arm cross likely stems from the comfort felt by a child who’s
hand was held or who’s shoulder was grasped by a parent, when in novel situations.
The posture feels natural and comfortable when in fearful situations because it provides the sensation
of being hugged and protected, like having our hand held. It might have a childhood throwback when
our parents scooped us up when visiting unfamiliar houses, distant relatives to help sooth us over our
fears. While men can be seen to perform this posture, it is much more rare, likely due to their broader
shoulders. Men will instead take up the fig leaf position by holding their hand-in-hand to cover their
most coveted assets, their genitals.
We see the posture when people meet for the first time, when being singled out of a crowd or any other
stressful situation that causes fear. Sometimes this posture is by default as it is with particularly shy
individuals who take some time to warm up to other people. To reduce this posture in others and help
them ease up, use more submissive body language and tone down dominant language. You might also
experiment with acting timid yourself which will help quickly build rapport. It is nearly universal that
people feel most confident surrounded by people who similarly match our own self-esteem and
ideologies.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Arm Gripping
by Chris Site Author • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments
Arm gripping is a sign that someone feel insecure.
Arm gripping is an arm crossed posture whereby each arm grabs the arm opposite. The hidden meaning
it indicates is tension, discomfort, anger or anxiety. This posture shows both negativity and restraint,
meaning that a person is fully expecting to face a bad outcome and won’t relax until that news comes
and at the same time are holding themselves back from truly expressing their feelings or lashing out.
The arms grip each other so they won’t do something regretful. Those waiting for bad news, such as the
results from a medical test, or the outcome of risky surgery on a loved one, will carry themselves in this
way. Other times it happens as one waits for stressful events or appointments to commence such as
seeing the dentist.
It is similar to other forms of self-hugging as it protects the body from exposure and provides comfort,
but is also an extreme form of energy is displacement. The physical act of squeezing the arms, even to
the point that circulation is cut off from the knuckles making them appear white, is a rudimentary form
of mental therapy. Just like some people will run, exercise or do yoga, others will throw and break
things to blow off steam. Self inflicted pain, such as arm gripping is no different, it just provides an
easy, less destructive method to release nervous energy in measured quantities. Arm gripping isn’t
always extreme and violent as sometimes it can go completely unnoticed and appear as simple arm
crossing. What gives it away is that the hands wrap around the arms instead of resting on one side and
tucked under the other.
Uncategorized
Fist And Arms Clenched
Fist clenching can be subtle and show hidden insecurity and hostility.
Holding the fists clenched and holding a full arm cross shows hostility, defensiveness and also
readiness to attack. It can also be accompanied by a red face, clenched teeth, lowered eyebrows, a
forward thrust of the lips or an angry expression. These accompanying signals show that physical
aggression is imminent and likely, and ignoring them can be a huge mistake. Part of the reason we have
aggression signals at all is to avoid risky physical confrontations. Our minds are hardwired to avoid
possibly deadly or damaging situations. The signals are our way to warn others, or be warned by others,
that we are nearing our threshold. All people are capable of lashing out with force if provided with the
proper stimulus, any mother will agree.
In business and other context were violence is strictly forbidden we see an abbreviation of the hostile
cues listed above. Here we see a more subtly form with the fists clenched tightly and the arms folded
across the chest, usually while seated. Other times the dominant hand will make a fist with the other
hand clasping the wrist. This is a mental way for the person to figuratively ‘hold themselves back.’
When we lack the right to express ourselves to our satisfaction, we hold back our negativity. Social
norms and customs prevent us from expressing our true emotions whenever we desire.
Fist clenching happens very naturally and subconsciously; a slip of the hand so to speak. Women can
even be seen doing this while being verbally berated by a partner. President Nixon was videotaped
intensely balling his fist such that his knuckles turned white during a press conference called to discuss
what was supposed to be a temporary incursion into Cambodia. The rest of his body was confident and
his voice was smooth, yet his hands gave his restraint and dishonesty away. Of course, holding a tight
fist does not necessarily mean they intent to strike out, rather it shows just the opposite – that their
minds are dealing with a dilemma, of which social norms prevent physical resolutions. So very rarely
are we allowed to fully express our emotions. In fact, one of the most important lessons we learn early
in life is self control and this is exactly what happens when the fist is balled, clenched, but resists
striking. We learn very early on that it’s not acceptable to throw fits and tantrums so we do the next best
thing – we get very close to striking, but stop at the last second.
Whenever you are privy to clenching body language your first inclination should be to diffusing the
situation. You might start by slowing down speech or stopping it altogether to allow the situation to
simmer rather than continue boiling. You should then use open body language with palm up gestures to
show honesty. Next, add submissive postures, head down, shoulders slumped and a reduction in body
size. Your goal is to show that you are not interested in confrontation. You might even consider
succeeding to their point of view, even just temporarily to allow them to take a saner headspace. In
many cases it will be impossible to recover from this position successfully depending on what level of
negativity is present. It’s always best to reduce tension early on before it gets out of control.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
The Security Blanket
Playing with a sleeve of cufflink is a leaked gesture because it replaces a full arm cross but still
provides the feeling of comfort.
As we get older we are taught that certain behaviours and habits are unacceptable. Carrying a security
blanket, for example, while acceptable as a toddler is unbecoming in grade school so it is weaned.
Perhaps as a by-product of our recent, in evolutionary terms at least, bipedalism, we’ve failed to fully
adjust methods of keep our hands busy. Bipedalimsm is the term used to describe walking on two feet
which is rare in the animal kingdom. When under pressure, our hands and arms are the first to feel out
of place and give away our awkwardness. Even those that spend a lot of time in front of large audiences
can still be found with “security blankets”, as it were whose purpose is to keep busy our free
appendages.
The cuff link is a common choice for men attending formal affairs because it gives their hands a use
instead of dangling awkwardly as they walk. Next time you see a televised awards show watch
carefully as a presenter or an award winner make his way up to the stage, he just might show his
awkwardness by fingering his cufflink. Reaching across the body in this way is also an abbreviated arm
cross since the hands come out in front of the body forming a barrier, in this case a loose loop.
A purse can be used as a shield to protect the torso. If you want to know how she really feels about you,
just measure much she trusts you around her purse.
This type of body language is defined as ‘leaked’ because consciously the person is trying to prevent it
from happening, but their conscious mind is only successful at blocking a more obvious gesture by
replacing it with one that is slightly less pronounced. The gestures are also considered “masked arm
crosses” because they create a barrier-effect protecting the body, but aren’t full blow arm crosses. Other
forms of gestures that fall in the same family include holding or clutching a bag, checking the contents
of a bag or briefcase where the arms must cross the body, playing with a bracelet, watch or shirt button
and holding a drink with both hands. Any sort of motion that allows one hand or arm to cross the center
of the body, or where a crutch object is sought that otherwise serves little or no appropriate purpose,
qualifies as a security blanket. To those aware of the cue, it is a very easy ‘tell’ to catch, because there
really is no purpose for the behaviour aside from tension relief.
What to know if a women trust you? See how she reacts around her handbag! The handbag is a very
personal item for women and she uses it as an item of security. When nervous or out of place, she can
dive into her bag and checks its contents so as to symbolically connects her to the comforts of home
and exempt her from outside interruptions. In other words, while she checks her back, she’s busy, don’t
bother her! Handbags give women something to grasp onto and hold especially if they feel particularly
self-conscious or insecure and will feel naked without it. On the other hand, if she allows the handbag
contents to be viewed by a potential male suitor, or trusts him to guard it, you can bet that she is willing
to explore a relationship. Women are personally connected to their handbags!
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
The Stiff Or Curved Arm
The stiff arm is an obvious signal that approach is unwelcome as it forms a solid barrier around our
personal space zone.
A more obvious defensive posture is the stiff arm which happens by thrusting the arm forward and
away from the body with the palm face vertical in a “stop” type signal. Another defensive posture is the
curved arm, a variation of the stiff arm, where the arm is bent and locked at the elbow and thrust
outward facing down or horizontally. As a cluster, the stiff arm and curved arm is accompanied by a
step backwards to reclaim stolen space, which is the true intention of the stiff arm. Both postures are
called “arm-distancing” tactics because the arms are used to control space. When we say “Keeping
people at arms length” this is the body language we refer to. The curved arm also creates a closed body
position since the arm crosses over the middle of the body. At times, the arm fails to come up any
higher than a few inches, or the hand might flip upwards slightly while being held at waist level,
however, the message is the same. As the intensity of the approach increases, the hand and arm will rise
even further and a person will shift their weight backwards.
Football running backs use the stiff and curved arm to provide a space buffer in order to fend off
tackles by keeping the arms of defenders away from their bodies. The space created next to the body, to
the inside of the elbow in the curved arm, is reserved so that no one can enter. The curved and stiff arm
both serve to deflect a possible attack away from the body or when navigating crowded areas such as
airports, amusement parks or nightclubs. Women can also be found doing this too, especially when men
get too close for comfort. The signal is a strong indicator that personal space is being violated and the
carrier of the message does not want someone to come even an inch closer. Men in dating situations
should be particularly aware of this body language and treat it appropriately, back up, and give some
space.
Other times, the stiff or curved arm is used to thwart closeness that is not necessarily due to physical
threat. Sometimes we keep our arms out just to keep people we don’t like from getting too close. The
arms can also indicate how much someone likes or dislikes someone by their proximity to other people.
When someone is particularly turned off by someone else they will keep their arms away from them in-
so-much as their bodies can maintain enough personal space and don’t need to be thrown in harms way,
so to speak, to serve as stiff arms.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Objects As Barriers
The chair is employed to maintain distance.
How the environment is used by people can provide clues to their inner thoughts and emotions. For
example, propping up against the wall indicates that the person is in need of support (or is really tired)
which shows that they are incapable of comfort without the assistance the structure affords. Hiding a
portion of the body behind a desk also indicates insecurity and we rarely invite commerce onto
ourselves without placing a desk between us and our clients because we require the security it provides.
Imagine what it would be like to meeting face-to-face in an empty room. Desks and tables are more
than just places to store notes! The “employee’s line” by which customers are forbidden to cross in
retail stores has more to do with privacy, power and territoriality than security. What would happen if
retailers could freely move into storage rooms and behind the counter, what about enter the kitchen at a
dinner? The formalities of the establishment would drop significantly and it would be like being at
home, free of boundaries.
The chair is a prop used to shield the body from “attack.”
Even podiums creates a much needed refuge, a place of security for presenters where the self conscious
can be partially out of sight, or even dodge flying tomatoes! Only those that are supremely confident or
experienced in front of others will ignore the podium and instead immerse themselves into the embrace
of the crowd. Women who wish to quell an advance by men can steer them away by turning a cold
shoulder, a barrier, or if possible, moving to the backside of a chair which can be used as a shield.
When nervous around women, on the other hand, men can use bar tops to prop up against to protect
them from rejection. As you see, objects are sometimes used as crutches and at the same time indicated
to us as body language readers that a person is uncomfortable standing by themselves. In other words,
it tells us that they are worried that they might suffer an emotional attack so they limit their exposure.
People can use chairs, lean against a bar as discussed, a beam, a table, or might simply use objects like
mugs or cups, or even pens and utensils which can figuratively represent make-shift weapons.
Obviously pens would never be drawn, so to speak, as a weapon, but they still offer a psychologically
comforting mechanism.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
How To Use Barriers To Your Advantage
Objects can be erected to deflect emotional attacks.
My wife frequently uses headphones in public places to avoid talking to strangers even if she isn’t
playing music into them. If strangers come up to her, she points to her headphones as if to say that she
can’t hear them. If she was really interested in a conversation, or minding other people’s business, she
could remove them, but her point is that she isn’t. Headphones are therefore a strong message of
introversion of which we wish not to be bothered. If a person strongly insists on interacting with her,
she takes a long time to remove her headphones and accompanies it with irritated body language. She
might even only partially listen to the person who has infringed on her privacy, although this is an
advanced technique, before placing the headphones back on.
Now you might think that she’s being rude, but this is far from the case. She, like you, and everyone
else, has the right to refuse to speak to whomever we please. We each owe no service to anyone else,
especially interactions that were not mutually invited. Lack of eye contact in this case is a big factor in
the right to refuse to interact. Dark eye glasses can close people out even more successfully, because it
avoids accidental eye contact. Eye glasses make conversations shorter and less productive than one’s
that occur when the eyes are exposed. Obviously, if we wish to welcome and continue a conversation
or increase its effectiveness, we should promptly remove our sunglasses, even in really sunny
conditions, so we might benefit from mutual gaze. When your counterpart wears glasses too, you might
however, both agree to keep them on.
Barriers for negatively reasons are most common, but as in the peek-a-boo game that is played by men
and women, objects can be used to tease and arouse in courtship. This is the case with “eye hiding”,
which happens when a drinking glass, menu, or even people moving about a room temporarily put out
of vision our object of affection. It can also happen by slightly turning away, or lowering the eyes
coyly. Dropping the eyes out of sight or looking over the shoulder when done by women is particularly
seductive. The loss of sight sends us into spells of worry, but when they suddenly reappear it sends our
hearts races with relief. Small babies especially enjoy this game, sending them into giggle fits, and
adults play along happily. When adults play the game with each other, it is only slightly more
sophistication.
How one holds their arms while seated at a table can tell us the degree of acceptance or defensiveness
they have toward us or our views. For example, having the arms apart indicates general agreement,
having both arms parallel but uncrossed shows partial agreement, and having the arms folded on the
table indicates disagreement. In this case, arms are being used as barriers. We have covered ways to
break barriers and open those who show closed body language earlier. To reiterate though, we
concluded that while it’s possible to open someone by offering them objects such as a drink or reading
material to uncross their arms, it is usually best to openly address their concerns.
Improper use of barriers happen to all of us, because we aren’t totally aware or continuously conscious
of their hidden meaning. Take a social gathering for example, where nearly everyone will have drinks
and snacks on hand. How do we hold them while we stand, what about while we sit? While standing,
more times than not, our arms are cocked at ninety degrees keeping our arm parallel to the floor to keep
our drink upright preventing it from spilling. Unfortunately, this sends a bad message because it is a
partially closed body position since it creates a barrier that isolates our bodies from others. While
drinking alcohol can make people more social, having to hold the drink at the chest impedes our ability
to use our hands properly and expressively. If you absolutely must drink or you think it is required to fit
in with the crowed, then try holding your glass to your side so that you don’t block off the center-line
of your body. If a table or bar top is nearby, use it to store your drink and so free your hands to gesture
with palms up. While sitting at a table, feel free to put your drink to your flank so that you aren’t
talking over it, and your arm, the entire evening. For a lot of people, drinks are crutches, something to
hold on to, and as described earlier, are a form of security blanket. If you think you’re ready to “grow
up”, try standing free form instead of toting your drink around at your chest. It’s not as easy as it
sounds!
Objects as small as pens, but as large as books or newspapers, can be used to indicate division between
people and create space between them. Just like the beverage example however, using the pen to write
on a piece of paper by crossing the center-line of the body effectively closes it off. If no object is
present at all, the barrier can still be formed by leaning on the table with both forearms and putting
weight on them. This anchors and locks the barrier into the table. Although it is a closed message, it can
be diminished to a degree by leaning forward toward your company. Holding the pen out and away
from the body shows the opposite message. It is an indication that someone wishes to “extend” or offer
an idea to them, and they wish their idea would cross the center-line of the table and enter into the other
person’s ideology. The same sort of casual invasion of space, showing a desire to become connected,
happens anytime the center-line cut evenly between two people, is breached. This can happen with
reading material or business documents, hands in gesture, hands to touch, the sharing of food and of
course love letters.
Conversations in busy places can be shut off completely just by raising a book and beginning to read.
Sometimes this isn’t enough, so emphasis needs to be placed on it. We do this by peering rudely over
them with an off-putting face and then slowly raising the reading material again. Obviously, this
message is only rarely missed or ignored.
If you are the subject of unwanted blocking then begin by reviewing the pattern of communications that
has lead to this result. Have you come on too strong? Were your ideas overly political or religious?
Have you been too expressive or aggressive? Whatever the case, your best bet is to back-off and use
relaxed body language to diffuse whatever anger you might have created. Ease the tension by taking a
break and allowing your partner to have some emotional downtime. Try to devise a way to regain
common ground, even if it means changing the subject or leaving it entirely to start fresh another day.
Whatever you do, don’t bother trying to push your ideas forth too strongly, as they will simply be met
with increased resistance. Finally, not everyone who uses barriers do so because they dislike other’s
based on personal grounds, rather some just require more space and privacy, even in public.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Cues To Indicate Defense
She protects her mid-section with a fig leaf posture.
When children get scolded by parents they adopt very specific postures. They will bow their head,
avoid eye contact by looking up or to the side, and will hunch over making their bodies seem even
smaller. Reducing body size is a mechanism that turns off the aggression emotion in the mind of a
potential aggressor. As adults, we will adopt similar postures in addition to covering those areas we feel
are most likely to be attacked or are the most vulnerable. Our heads will come back and away if
aggression is strong, effectively putting distance between us and our attacker. We may also drop our
chins to protect us from a blow that might knock us out cold.
Fear or uncertainty which roughly falls into a defensive strategy was covered previously and happens
by crossing one ankle around the other. A variation on this is a clenched fist or tightly gripping the arms
of a chair which can indicate aggression and restraint. If we feel that an attack is imminent our bodies
may become tense or “wired” in effort to become ready to withstand an attack, or mount a counter
attack if necessary. We may also collapse downward to cover our throats if we think a swing is nearing
and when an attack commences, we cover our face and cower. If we think we can win or when escape
is impossible, we draw our fists up and usually swing randomly. Our knees will also come together to
protect our groin and our arms brought inward to the center of our body to protect other vital areas. The
eyes might also be flicked from side to side in effort to locate possible escape routes.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Aggressive Body Language
The amygdala is in here somewhere!
Researchers have defied seven major classes of aggression: predatory, inter-male, fear, irritable,
maternal, instrumental (to obtain a goal) and territorial. The amygdala and the hypothalamus, two brain
centers, have been centered out as important motivators in aggressive situations. Thankfully, with the
potential for such conflict we are given tools in the form of body language that help us gauge
aggression in others in order to prevent us from serious injury or death. Since modern humans are
primarily vocal, we often ignore some of the cues signifying aggression, but these become very potent
as conflict escalates and our verbal language deteriorates to uncontrolled screaming and cussing.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Signs Of Aggression
by Chris Site Author • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments
She’s displeased and thinks you should know better.
We’ve seen the hands-on-hips posture before but it resurfaces again in the aggression classification
because it is ready posture. In this case, the hands on hips, feet together at attention is accompanied by
leaning forward with the head and chin up, or out, and exposed. The hands-on-hips puffs the person out
making them seem larger and the feet spread at shoulder width increases stability putting them in a
fighting stance. Observations have shown us that ignoring the puffed out chest is to be done at one’s
own peril as it is a very strong indicator that a person is about to strike out in aggression. The classic
‘in-your-face’ type of posture indicates readiness for fight and isn’t to be confused with a business
ready posture. The accompanying clues which are discussed next, shows an intent to fight, but also
tension so there is overlap in fighting nonverbal language and that which stems from other negative
emotions such as displeasure, fear, anger, antipathy and disgust. Therefore it is the context, once again,
that will tell us the root source of the body language, be it fight or flight.
As aggression nears, our blood “boils” and rushes to the surface of the body making our faces and ears
turn red with anger. While blood doesn’t actually boil there is some truth to it. As our nervous system is
shifted in the “fight or flight” response our blood pressure increases through a faster heart rate
preparing us for action. Since our faces have a high concentration of capillaries and vessels, and the
vessels, especially in the cheeks are much wider in diameter than other areas of the body, coupled with
the thin skin in the face, permit the redness of the blood to show through in the characteristic
“flushing.” This anger reaction shouldn’t be confused with feeling embarrassed or the blushing we see
through exercise. The accompanying cues in cluster will tell us which emotional response we are
seeing.
Fists clenching is an early sign of aggression. It shows that the body is ready to fight – even if not
literally by punching someone.
During aggression we might see the arms show defensive postures by becoming crossed showing a
negative emotion, or dropped to the side and clenching. Fists clenching is an important cue to
aggression since it indicates the underlying thought process that one is nearing physical action. Other
cues in the cluster include finger pointing, overall tensing of the body or extreme body loosening to
ready for fighting, tightening of the jaw and lips (called “lip occlusion”), quivering in the lips,
frowning, furrowing, or lowering the eyebrows, dilated pupils, squinting of the eyes, crotch displays
such as legs open, sneering or flared nostrils.
The technical term for flared nostrils as mentioned before is “nasal wing dilation” and is of particular in
the fight and flight response because it tells us that someone is actively oxygenating their bodies in
preparation to do something important. Our bodies consume oxygen during work, and we can get our
bodies ready by loading up hemoglobin which is the carrier of the oxygen molecule, just in case it’s
needed for a condense bout of work. As people get ready to fight their chests can be seen rapidly
expanding and contracting as if panting. The body is essentially saying “We’ve probably got a problem
on our hands, time to load up on oxygen as we might need to fight or take flight!” Sometimes though,
nasal wing dilation is in response to doing anything physical at all, be it to move a heavy sofa or taking
to a flight of stairs. Other times, nostrils flare when aroused by a potential mate who is seeking to take
up an alluring scent laced with sexual pheromones. However, as mentioned this cue can be very
important in certain context as it may provide clues to potentially aggression. School aged children
should learn this nonverbal cue early on so as to diffuse aggression by bullies.
Nose flaring or “nasal wing dilation” signals displeasure and negative thoughts. Noses flare because
extra oxygen is being consumed to prepare for battle.
It might be counter-intuitive to think that opening the body up and keeping it loose, is a sign of
aggression, since it exposing the body to attack, but in this cue cluster, the posture challenges others to
attack. The limbs can seem to dangle from the body and the upper torso might begin to sway back and
forth, or bob, similar to what a boxer does seeking an angle to attack. Only in this case, it happens
much more discretely such that a surprise attack might be possible.
Conversely, the arms and body can become stiff and rigid as they prepare to defend whereas others will
visibly start shaking. As a last resort, aggressive individuals may begin expressing the same thoughts
over and over again to assert their position in effort to have their opponent back down. Under more
extreme cases, people fall back into more primitive displays of aggression such as banging fists against
a table, slamming doors, and even throwing objects. Figuratively, the message being advertised is that
the table, the door being slammed, or the chair being thrown, will soon be you!
As the person nears aggression they will begin to invade your personal space, sometimes even ‘head-
to-head’ and issue verbal challenges and might burst into nervous laughter even though nothing funny
has been said. The solution to aggression is to always back away and give the person as much space as
possible while showing defensive postures. Nearly all individuals will cease aggressive behaviour
given the proper cues and switches, while other times, the only avoidance to physical combat is the
flight response. In other words, run!
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
The Unblinking Eyes
Scary!
Research shows us that a steady stare of more than ten seconds creates anxiety and discomfort
especially in subordinates. When done on more dominant individuals it can lead to feelings of
aggression and in extreme cases, even physical altercations.
Holding eye contact for slightly longer than normal can send a powerful message. When looking at
strangers, it’s a common courtesy to look away when the eyes meet, at least after a few milliseconds
have elapsed. Staring is only permitted while looking at inanimate objects (and celebrities). By holding
an extended or even unblinking gaze toward strangers, we are telling them that we think of them no
more important than objects, a phenomenon celebrities know only too well. Naturally, eye contact and
staring means one thing to men, and something else entirely to women. When the sexes stare at each
other, it’s usually due to competitiveness or envy, as in, sizing up the competition and other times out of
pure curiousity. When the sexes stare at each other, it’s usually driven by sexual interest, however,
women are far less prone to staring in any case.
We covered proper eye gaze patterns in an earlier chapter and saw that the intimate gaze happens when
the eyes travel around the face and body of someone we care about. Staring, on the other hand, is
unmoving. The eyes are piercing and intense, unblinking, and seem to want to penetrate the eyes of
another. An aggressive stare is even more intense and happens by narrowing the eyelids creating a deep
focus. Second to the unblinking eyes is the “slow blink”. This one can be imagined, but must really be
seen to understand its true intensity. While a slow blink done with a tilt of the head can appear alluring
when done by an attractive woman, it does nothing to arouse positive emotions when done head on.
The slow blink is intensified by tilted the head forward revealing the crown, and especially intense
when the head is tilted backwards while looking down at an opponent “through” the bridge of the nose.
The final cue in the slow blink cue cluster is pursed lips and the cue cluster, as a whole, signals
disapproval and contempt.
You’ve probably never made conscious the universal “stare test” but it goes something like this. First
you use proper eye language cast around a busy room, perhaps a grocery store, horizontally focusing on
whatever is of interest. By accident, you make eye contact with someone and to show that you are no
threat, you quickly shift your eyes to the left or right and continue a normal eye pattern. If no “eye
flash” happens, as we saw earlier, we understand them to be a stranger. To make sure you haven’t been
targeted by eye assault, you return your gaze after a few moments to see if that person is still fixated on
you. If they are, you drop eye contact again, but then quickly look back. If eye contact is met again, this
will set you on alert, and so you begin a very minor fight or flight response by keeping your distance.
At a subconscious level you have identified a possibly dangerous individual.
This isn’t going well – she looks right through him.
We call the appropriate eye contact that doesn’t violate someone’s privacy the “moral looking time.”
This is the length of time gaze is permitted before creating anxiety through offensiveness and in
strangers is usually only one or two seconds. To be sure that you aren’t still being assaulted by someone
else you will usually repeatedly look in the direction of the person who caught your eyes several times,
and at random intervals. This is because we all subconsciously realize that the other person is
measuring the same threat in us, as we are in them. If their eyes are continuously met with yours, you
will show aggressive or “rude” facial expressions as a warning to cease eye contact. Women do this
type of expression best and we call them “dirty looks.” They are meant to indicate a desire to be left
alone, and that conversation and approaching is not welcome. Other times, women will know that
staring is taking place but will purposely avoid eye contact. Just because a dirty look hasn’t been given,
does not mean she hasn’t noticed, and does not mean that staring is welcomed. When eye contact is
avoided, and gaze pattern rules aren’t properly engaged, the intent of this message is the same, give
women space and don’t stare!
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Invasion Of Space
A violation of personal space is indicated by her withdrawal.
Most hostile interactions in our lifetime will fall short of physical conflict but that doesn’t mean
aggression was never present. We hold a buffer around our bodies at a premium and yet others still fail
to acknowledge this, and choose to move closer then we wish. Disrespecting someone’s personal space
is a form of aggression and dominant individuals routinely ignore personal space buffers, in fact, it’s
one of the ways they maintain their dominance! Invasion of personal space can even come from brief
touching or pats on the back, but also from more inappropriate touching such as jabs to the ribs with
fingers, pens, or worse yet, slaps to the buttocks! Sometimes space invades will gain unwanted
closeness by using friendly conversation, that we naturally read correctly as feigned.
Overstepping territorial boundaries is obvious to almost everyone because most have at least a
rudimentary ability to read body language. We can test proximity comfort levels by stepping only so
close as that which causes the next party to step or lean back. Leaning back carries the same weight, as
a message, as a full or partial step back, it is just more polite. We can use the step back technique to
send this message to space invaders, but it is often ineffective, as their intentions are usually intended
to yield such results. Stepping back, and then quickly placing an open palm on their wrist or arm, or
hovering a hand palm-vertical near the midline between you and them will serve to anchor them,
preventing further advances. Often, the only solution is to be outright with the invasion and call them
out. In this case, we should expect it to cause openly negative feelings which could strain a
relationship, so should be carefully considered.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Summary – Chapter 9
In this chapter we covered defensive and aggressive body language. We found that double arm hug or
arm crossing, partial arm crossing, arm gripping, fists and arm clenching, stiff or curved arms, or even
cufflinks can be used to signal defensiveness. We learned that objects are used to shield the insecure by
affording fewer angles of attack which is the case when we lean against a wall or bar top, hold a drink
near our face or against our chest, or hide behind a podium whilst presenting. We discovered that
headphones can be great tools for women who don’t want to be bothered, how pens, books, or
newspapers indicate division between people and how conversations can be ended or avoided simply
by raising a book. We found that other cues such as head bows, looking up to the side or through the
forehead, avoiding eye contact, seeking escape routes with darting eyes, or reduce body size among
others, show defensiveness.
On the other hand, we cut through defensiveness to study aggression which can include the in-your-
face posture characterized by the hands on hips, feet together at attention, leaning forward with the
head and chin up or out and exposed. We also saw that an aggressive person might get red in the face,
cross or drop their arms to the side and clench their fists, finger point, become tense overall, clamp
their jaw, tighten their lips, frown and lower their eyebrows. We learned that a stare lasting ten seconds
or longer invokes anxiety and discomfort in subordinates in the ‘unblinking eyes’, and that
overstepping boundaries can lead to conflict.
Chapter 9 –Defensive And Aggressive Body Language
Summary – Chapter 9
In this chapter we covered defensive and aggressive body language. We found that double arm hug or
arm crossing, partial arm crossing, arm gripping, fists and arm clenching, stiff or curved arms, or even
cufflinks can be used to signal defensiveness. We learned that objects are used to shield the insecure by
affording fewer angles of attack which is the case when we lean against a wall or bar top, hold a drink
near our face or against our chest, or hide behind a podium whilst presenting. We discovered that
headphones can be great tools for women who don’t want to be bothered, how pens, books, or
newspapers indicate division between people and how conversations can be ended or avoided simply
by raising a book. We found that other cues such as head bows, looking up to the side or through the
forehead, avoiding eye contact, seeking escape routes with darting eyes, or reduce body size among
others, show defensiveness.
On the other hand, we cut through defensiveness to study aggression which can include the in-your-
face posture characterized by the hands on hips, feet together at attention, leaning forward with the
head and chin up or out and exposed. We also saw that an aggressive person might get red in the face,
cross or drop their arms to the side and clench their fists, finger point, become tense overall, clamp
their jaw, tighten their lips, frown and lower their eyebrows. We learned that a stare lasting ten seconds
or longer invokes anxiety and discomfort in subordinates in the ‘unblinking eyes’, and that
overstepping boundaries can lead to conflict.
Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language
Introduction – Chapter 10
Trying not to pay attention.
It’s not a stretch to say that reading attentive and evaluative body language is a useful skill for everyone
at one time or another. For teachers, attentive and evaluative body language cues are useful to read
student interest and their level of active thought, for sellers it provides a gauge to the efficacy of a
pitch, and to acquaintances at a social even, the level of engagement.
A presenter at a conference might want to measure his story telling skills and so might look for cues to
“undivided attention”. He might therefore be interested in shortening presentation points that create
fidgeting and shuffling. The salesman, on the other hand, also wants to avoid boredom, but needs to
watch for evaluative gestures such as chin stroking, flared nostrils, pinching the bridge of the nose and
rubbing the back of the neck to see how close he is to closing the sale and what level of decision
making is at hand in his target. Does a chin stroking mean he’s already made up his mind and is
mulling things over, or is he just satisfying and itch?
Naturally, as the stakes rise, so too does the importance in reading evaluative and attentive body
language accurately, so it is important to keep these cues at hand. In this chapter, “attentive” refers to
the level of interest expressed during an interaction whereas “evaluative” delineates indicators that a
decision is in the process of being made. This chapter, while brief, covers a significant subset of the
body language that happens as people are in thought, give undivided attention or lack thereof and show
that they are preparing to reach a decision. We also hit on the hidden meaning of glasses, hand
steepling, neck rubbing and a subset of additional evaluative gestures we might encounter in our daily
lives.
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