The Ultimate Body Language Book

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Undivided Attention

An interested listener is focused on the entire person, their gestures, voice tone and the information
delivered.
Meeting in crowded areas offers plenty of distractions, which in and of itself might lead one to belief
that measuring attention would be difficult. However, the opposite is actually true; in other words, it’s
easier to measure interest in busy places because the eye can be caught wondering. As we covered
earlier in the chapter on eye language, we can verify interest based on where eyes are cast. The eyes tell
where the body wants to be, and when the mind is fully engaged on the presentation, the focus will be
on the speaker rather then what is going on around them.
Looking away rarely happens with someone who is completely engrossed in a conversation unless they
do so to concentrate. We know from an earlier discussion, that faces are complicated making it difficult
to process information. However absent of complex thought, we know that when someone looks away,
it’s due to disinterest in the subject matter. Take for example, a very important news item appearing
suddenly on television and the sequences of events that follow. First, we try to quiet a room so we have
time to tune into the broadcast, next we locate the remote and turn the volume up loud enough so that
even random noises don’t supersede the broadcast. Our eyes become fixated at the exclusion of
anything else in the room and our ears become finely tuned to the voice of the broadcaster. When
completely engaged, there is a fear of missing something important. This doesn’t just occur while
watching television or movies, but can happen when in deep conversation, while reading something
interesting or any other task for that matter. Any husband will tell you how easily it is to “tune” women
out when watching sports!
An interested listener is focused on the entire person, their gestures, voice tone and the information
delivered. For most, the picture they pick up about the speaker’s body language is subconscious, but it
does help them form an overall impression of their honesty, integrity, emotionality and so forth.
Therefore the focus doesn’t stop on the words alone, but on the entire message. An attentive listener is

directed, having their bodies oriented toward the speaker, their arms open and apart willing to take
information in, their legs will be crossed or open but aimed at the speaker, their head might be cocked
to the side at forty five degrees showing interest, and any information they add will be appropriate to
the given subject rather than off topic.

There will be times, when a fully attentive person will look away, down or about the room, but these
ganders are few and brief, with the primary attention placed back on the speaker. It has been shown that
up to eighty percent eye of contact is made while listening and about forty to sixty percent while
speaking. Thus, we can measure the level of interest simply by making note of how often the person
looks away. Someone that is bored will almost seem to look everywhere but at the speaker, or will
appear to glaze over in an unblinking stare. Looking away is a subconscious indication that the other
person is looking for an escape route – a way out of the conversation.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Fidgeting, The Feet, Jiggling and Kicking

A classic boredom cue cluster, fingers tapping, blank face looking away.
When a listener is still, it implies that they are focused on the speaker and interested, although in

extreme cases it means they are sleeping! Conversely fidgeting is an indication of boredom as the body
is given signals to take action and leave the conversation – like the body revving its engine in
preparation. Fidgeting is therefore a substitute to walking or running where neither is socially
acceptable or the situation warrants otherwise. Being stuck in a lecture is one of them! Repeated
checking of a watch or clock is another symptom of a desire to leave. With some forethought, an
artificial time constraint gives us an excuse to preempt longer than desire visits which can be made
useful when visiting in-laws, an advanced use of body language. Watch checking in this case, helps
solidify the nonverbal message.

A slouched appearance is a clear message of boredom.

When boredom really sets in we find repetitive behaviours such as tapping the toes, swinging the feet
with one crossed over the other, or drumming the fingers. The body may begin to sag or slouch in a
seat, or they may lean against the wall. The head will droop showing fatigue or be supported by the
hand. The more support is given to the head the more likely it is that the person is bored. A fully
supported head holding the majority of the weight is a tell-tale signal that your listener is bored and that
a shift in the conversation is in order. On the flip side, if feet suddenly freeze from a jitter, it indicates

an emotional change has occurred and that a person is experiencing threat. This is part of the freeze
response where people wish to go under the radar in the face of danger. Freezing, in this way, can
happen as a result of being confronted with an embarrassing question or situation, or being the subject
of a childhood tale that one is not particularly fond about.

Anytime foot jiggling suddenly turns to foot kicking while seated shows that a person has heard
something negative and is a response to discomfort. Jiggling usually depicts nervousness, but kicking
on the other hand, is used to fight off unpleasant thoughts. This gesture is subconscious and visceral so
is a reliable predictor because under most circumstances people don’t realize that they do it. Foot
kicking can therefore tell you what people really think about what sort of questions you are asking
them because once posed, they will readily begin to kick if it makes them uncomfortable.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Agreement Indicators

The head nod is a familiar gesture that happens naturally to show agreement. The nod means that the
listener is going along with what is being said but it can also be used as a tool to actively stimulate
conversations. Research has shown that head nods can increase the length of time a speaker will spend
talking in any given instance by up to three to four times! The length of time we spend talking has a
positive effect on the level of liking we have in those we speak to. Used in reverse, nodding can
stimulate more talking in others and make them like us even more. This might seem odd, but it’s true!
Fast and slow nodding also indicates different things. A slow nod indicates general agreement and that
interest is present, whereas a quick head nod shows impatience and a desire to interject.
Proper nodding is done as agreement is formed during conversation, and can be made even more
effective by adding several additional nods at the end of the speakers point.

Research has shown that head nodding breads positive thoughts and is hardwired into the brain. In your
next conversation simply nod your head and at the same time try to hold negative thoughts, or
expressing negative views. Scientific experiments have shown that as the conscious mind invariably
gets tired or distracted, the head nodding stops or changes direction. You will face the exact same
challenges. Positive emotions are tied directly to positive body language and it is very difficult or even
impossible to change these patterns.

Head nodding therefore is a gesture that has a powerful influence to those around us and can be used to
create positive feelings. Head nodding creates connectivity in people and shows that what is being said,
is being understood. Even if agreement is not present, it shows that a person is at least being heard
which can be used to sway agreement in the future on a more important issue. In other words, when
agreement isn’t present, you should still agree to disagree!

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Hand On The Chin For Evaluation Or Negative
Thoughts

A classic evaluative gesture done by producing an “L” shape with the thumb and index fingers, but
where the chin is not carrying any weight.
We can measure the level of interest or negativity our listeners have by how much pressure is held by
the hand during conversation. Under average evaluative body language, the index finger is placed to
the side of the head and only lightly supports the weight of the head, or the hands are left and placed on
the table with palms up or uncrossed to the front of the body. When the hands touch the face and
interest is present, the index and thumb will form an “L” shape and the chin is placed in the crux of the
“L” but is not supported by it. Conversely, with genuine interest, the hand will barely touch the side of
the face. In this case, the hand curls and the knuckles gently rests against the side of the face, and in
other cases, the hand remains open with the finger tips of the index and middle finger gently resting on
the cheek. As the listener becomes bored or tired, the hand will bear more and more of the weight and
the body will seem to slump completely over the hand and be supported by it. As boredom sets in, the
thumb will move under the chin to help the person hold their head even further, or the chin will seem to
compress into the palm. When the index finger is found playing with or rubbing the corner of the eyes
it indicates fatigue or disbelief as in “I can’t see that.” Movements to the eye like also serve to show
negative thoughts and emotions. We should be careful to watch for them.

She’s growing bored – we know because her “L” hand is taking on some the weight of her head.

Now she’s checking out as the head is clearly being supported by the palm.
Seeing these cues develop tells us that it’s time to change the subject to revive interest, change
locations to get the blood flowing again, or take a break to try to recover, and in extreme cases, throw
in the towel and give up. Boredom is a negative thought indicator and the cues used to indicate it tell us
that rapport is being lost between the listener and the speaker. Interested individuals inject themselves
and their body completely into the conversation, rather than detaching themselves.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Other Attentive Cues

There are a variety of singular cues that also serve to indicate attention. Concentration for example, is
obvious when the face is scrunched together, the eyes narrowed as if to focus on a prey, with the
eyebrows tightened inward.

Reflective activities can also include matching the body language of the speaker, not interrupting and
using agreement sounds such as ‘uh huh’ and ‘mhum’. We rarely think about the powers of these small
sounds but it can make the difference between having your counterpart believe they made a connection
right up to contempt as in “He just sat there and didn’t say a word”. By nodding and adding agreement
sounds, the person will feel heard and therefore appreciated. Paraphrasing back what was just said to
the speaker, is another method of sending the correct message. This technique shows what is called
active listening and shows that you are internalizing what is said and affords a chance to clarify any
misinterpreted information.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Chin Stroking And Tongue Protrusion

It’s common for the hand to come to the chin when we’re making up our minds.
Chin stroking, is another evaluative gesture which was made popular by movies, television shows and

cartoons. The cliché says that the chin scratcher is old, wise and is bearded! Beard or chin stroking
signifies that the decision making process has begun, but that a conclusion hasn’t yet been reached.
What follows the chin scratch tells us exactly what to expect, be it a positive or negative outcome.
When prompted for a final decision,
if the hand comes down and across the body at right angles it tells us that a negative answer will follow,
but if the hand comes forward and is placed on the thighs in a ready posture or the arms remains
uncrossed the answer will be positive.

Without conscious awareness the tongue makes an appearance under deep concentration usually by
being protruded to the side. Tongue protrusion is an evolutionary throwaway gesture thought to have
arisen as food rejection mechanism by infants. When it happens in adults it means they are genuinely
focused on their task and wish not to be bothered by others, hence the rejection root. The tongue can
also be seen moistening the lips more often when under stress or anxiety as the mouth dries up, or can
be moved back and forth across the lips as a pacifying behaviour to sooth while under stress.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

The Invisible Lint Picker

The invisible lint picker doesn’t like what’s being said and is trying to get out of the conversation.
Leaning forward and lowering the head shows a critical listener and indicates that what was being said

is disliked. However, there is another related posture that shows an even greater form of contempt and
disapproval. It happens also by dropping the head, however, while in the position, the person will begin
to pluck invisible lint from their clothing. In doing so, eye contact is broken to stammer the flow of
conversation. The gesture says that there are unspoken objections that are withheld either because they
feel that they won’t be well received, because they are too timid to speak up, or is a passive attack on a
figure of authority.

Any other rude gesture meant to occupy the mind in lieu of paying attention says that a person lacks
respect, integrity or feels that they undeservedly lack control in the relationship and set out to prove it.
A person can pick their nails or remove dirt from underneath them, drum their fingers, smooth their
clothing when it does not require it, or seem distracted due to any number of factors. The goal of the
invisible lint picker is to withhold eye contact to gain an upper hand and end the conversation on their
terms, without being forthright about it. A person with integrity will use honest body language such as
pointing their feet and torsos toward the doorway, reduce agreement indicators, and use conversation
ending speech to speed things up. The lint picker, on the other hand, uses passive aggressive techniques
to waste the speaker’s time with no regard for their own. At times the lint picker is trapped by a more
authoritative figure than them, such as a boss, which prohibits them from leaving. Their defense to this
is to figuratively “kick dirt in their eyes” by withdrawing from the conversation. When small children
block their ears, close their eyes and sing to themselves loudly in order to tune out adults, they are
accomplishing exactly what lint peckers have set out to do. Incidentally, small children also use
distraction techniques to avoid the reprimands of adults. Whenever these cues persist they should be
quickly rectified so as to maintain respect.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

What Glasses Mean

Chewing or sucking on the frames of the glasses signifies deep thought.
As an artifact, glasses can be used to convey nonverbal meaning. Chewing or sucking on the frames of

the glasses signifies deep thought. Pens placed in the mouth have the same effect. As we saw with chin
stroking, what immediate follows evaluative gestures tells us what sort of decision has been made, be it
positive or negative. If arms and legs become crossed, or the body leans back, it means that the person
has reached a negative conclusion. The glasses can be shaken from side to side signaling a rejection of
an idea which is a tempered way to finger shake – the finger shake by itself indicates a much more
powerful message. Boredom can also be signaled with glasses such as folding and unfolding them
repeatedly, bending them at the center can indicate agitation, and touching the tips signal tension or
stress. Putting the glasses back on means the person wants to see more of the facts, setting them aside
can mean that the meeting is over and throwing them aside altogether or dropping them abruptly means
a full rejection of the meeting. Quickly anticipating a negative decision can be of assistance to thwart
an overt conclusion in effort to leave the door open, even if just a crack. However, obviously, your
work is cut out for you to sway someone who is so close to a final decision. You will need to work in
overdrive to bring them back from the brink.

Moving the glasses up on the forehead can signal honesty while peering over the glasses is a classic
evaluative gesture that signals scrutiny and judgment. The image it invokes in people is that of the
discerning librarian or catholic school teacher bearing down on naughty students. The presence of
glasses is not paramount to the gesture, but does help make it more salient. With or without glasses it
happens by tilting the head downward with the eyes peering onto the subject across the bridge of the
nose. With glasses, the gesture includes pulling them forward with the hand and simultaneously peering
over them. If the head is cocked to the side it says “Really? You can’t be serious.” The cue cluster also
includes arms folded or on the hips, legs crossed, squinted eyes and pursed lips, scowling and or an
index finger that wags from side to side (meaning naughty).

Studies show that we also rate wearers of glasses as being more studious, intelligent, sincere and
conservative, although having particularly thick glasses negates those positive attributes. We think
thick glasses are for those with low social skills who are overly-intelligent (geeks or nerds). While not
all of these gestures are perfectly predictive glasses, just like pencils, pieces of paper, folders or books,
they are an extension of the hand so carry the same message but in an exaggerated way.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Hand Steepling

She knows something you don’t.
The hand steeple happens by propping up the fingers of on hand, with the finger of the other hand, to

form a bridge. In this posture fingers are not interlocked and the palms do not touch. The word
steepling comes from their similarity to the pointed roof of a church steeple. Rocking, might
accompany the steeple where the hands move back and forth by adding and reducing pressure between
them. The steeple can be placed low on a lap, or seen hovering slightly above the lap. Other times the
steeple is in full view of others with the elbows propped up on the table. The steepler can hold the
posture so high that they have to look through the steeple to see others. Hand steeples frequently occur
by themselves as standalone cues, and don’t require additional body language in a cluster to have
predictable meaning.

The steepler is someone that is confident, sometime overconfident, genuine, authoritative, and
particularly evaluative of others around him. Confidence, in this case, is held in the power and control
they possess and also in knowing things that other people do not, so steepling says “I have access to
hidden information (and life experience) and this is the source of my power and control over you.”
Steeplers are found carrying the gesture when around subordinates, or whenever they seem to have the
upper hand. Donald Trump performed the steeple frequently on his television show The Apprentice, in
preparation, of all things, to fire his next apprentice! His steepling was an obvious cue to the power he
had over his subordinates. This gesture is effective if you already possess power or want others to think
you do, but it is ineffective in team building, since it comes off as arrogant. It does have subconscious
manipulative properties though, such as bluffing in poker but in most cases, this gesture is only as
effective as that which can be backed up with real confidence and true access to valuable hidden
information.

Superiors will also be seen using this gesture in meetings and when giving orders and the higher the
steeple is held, the greater the arrogance it depicts. In extreme forms, the person carrying the gesture
can be seen “looking right through their hands” between the triangle formed by the pent up fingers and
the thumbs. A more subtle version is the hidden steeple of which the sender could be trying to hide or
shelter their opinion from view by keeping the steepled fingers below the table. The lower steeple is
more often used by women and when someone is listening rather than speaking. Hidden steepling
refers to hidden confidence or a desire to limit arrogance in attempt to appear more open and accepting.
The underlying meaning of the steeple is still present however, yet women should show more overt
confidence by actively mirroring or initiating steepling on their own to gain an advantage in office
situation, rather than letting their confidence fall to the way side. In all confident steepling the hands
remain stand-alone, or the elbows serve to prop the hands up from a table. When the hands are steepled,
but holding support to the head, it does not signal confidence, but rather boredom, self consciousness,
or awkwardness.

The steeple can occur in
body language clusters as well, but what is important is not what happens after the steepling, as in the
chin stroke and eye glass language, but rather what happens preceding the steepling. Therefore, by
watching for positive open postures such as palms up and arms un-crossed or closed postures such as
arms crossed, touching the nose or face and avoiding eye contact, we can tell if the person is trying to
be honest or manipulative with his or her apparent power. In other words, steepling is a finish posture
serving to punctuate a body language clue cluster rather than the other way around. Steepling can also
ebb and flow along with confidence to what is being said which can be useful in negotiations or in
arguments. If something is said to drop confidence the steepling might be broken in favour of

interlocked hands as if praying but then quickly return when a person feels that their position has
improved. Interlocked fingers is a signal of low confidence and the fingers might even be seen
wringing themselves. Lawyers quickly learn to control this nonverbal cue in favour of constant
steepling rather than any other gesture.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Neck Rubbing

He’s holding himself back by the scruff of the neck.
The neck hold, scratch or rub is a response to negative feelings. It is a restraint posture as in “holding

one’s self back” as one might do to a wily cat or dog by grabbing them by the scruff of the neck. In this
case, though, we are doing it to ourselves. While not a full blown emotional displacement posture it
does serve to alleviate the negative sensation we have. Like taking medicine fixes illnesses, and an itch
fixes a scratch a gesture treats and underlying emotion. Not until we allow ourselves the opportunity to
do the gesture can we treat our underlying emotion. This is what makes gestures and postures in body
language so predictive of emotional roots. They are connected.
Touching the back of the neck is not the same as touching any other part of the neck such as the side,
which can be used as a filler gesture to pause for thought, or the front which can be used to show sexual
interest in a dating context. Scratching the back of the neck, rather, is a primitive gesture, that is a
response to arrector pili muscles in the scruff that our body uses to make our hair stand on end. The
arrector pili are a microscopic band of muscle tissue that connects hair follicles to the skin. When
stimulated, the muscles contract and cause the hair to turn upward and perpendicular to the skin
surface, or stand on end. While the purpose of the muscles in humans is vestigial, meaning they are an
evolutionary throwaway, they were once used to trap air next to the skin to help keep the body warm.
Other uses are for display and competition to make the body appear larger and more threatening. You
have probably seen a domestic cat put its hair up when challenged by another cat. In porcupines, the
muscles contract to bring the quills up as a defense. As a defense, and for heat retention for people, the
purpose of the arrector pili is laughable at best, but our bodies still react to cold and fear, even
aggression by stimulating the muscles. A cold chill down the spin and “goose bumps” or “goose pimps”
is a reference to the same thing. When we reach for our scruff, we are showing an evolutionary
throwaway to a time when our hair would have stood on end!

Neck touching can be a positive signal when it’s done in the right context – here neck exposure shows
comfort and attraction.
Neck touches are therefore, connected with negative thinkers and restraint. To discover the true
meaning of the gesture, we need to look at this cue in context accompanied whatever other cues are
present. For example, let’s imagine two men in a bar, one of which is yelling and swearing promising to
send him to the next county, while the other, much larger and more muscular wearing an official MMA
(mixed martial arts) attire, keeps his distance holding his arm to his neck. What is the MMA fighter
doing here, is he thinking negative thoughts, or holding himself back from using his fighting skills to

defend himself. I think the answer is obvious. The context tells us exactly what is happening. The neck
hold, versus a scratch can be in response to making a mistake and trying to take it back as in “Whoops,
sorry, that was stupid of me and I won’t do it again.” The neck rub or hold can be seen when being
verbally assaulted by a boss, here what is said is “He’s a real pain in the neck.” Even my nine-month-
old son thinks I’m a pain in the neck when I won’t let him do something dangerous! Since he’s just
little he can’t reach all the way back, so his arm comes up and back at about ear level when I tell him
he can’t do something. If he just laughs, I know he hasn’t really taken me seriously. When that happens
I re-iterate my instruction making sure he gives me some sort of retrained gesture or given me eye
contact.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Other Evaluative Gestures

To conclude this chapter, there are some other subtle gestures that tell us that someone is thinking or
evaluating a decision which includes stroking the side of the nose, flared nostrils, pinching the bridge
of the nose, looking upwards and looking around the room. These gestures all show us that a person is
trying to come up with the best course of action, or to come to a satisfactory decision. Some evaluative
gestures also have confusing meanings, for example, looking up might mean that someone is bored or
in disbelief – a form of evaluation. When looking up refers to disbelief the person is ‘sending a prayer
to God’ or saying “I can’t believe what I’m hearing”. Flared nostrils might also be an evaluative gesture
as well because it reveals an internal judgment but it can also indicate agitated or aggression. In the
same general ballpark, one might turn their nose sideways by twitching the muscles slightly revealing
dislike or disbelief. This last gesture likely has origins in avoiding a particularly bad odor.
These last clues should always be taken in context and be paired with other evaluative cues in clusters,
of which have been discussed in this chapter. Many times, evaluative body language shows reserved
disagreement, which gives us time to prepare a better case or prepare for a less desirable outcome, such
that we aren’t taken by surprise.
Some evaluative gestures:

Nose twitching.

Pinching the bridge of the nose.

Chapter 10 - Attentive And Evaluative Body Language

Summary – Chapter 10

In this chapter we looked at attentive and evaluative body language. Here we defined attentive in terms
of active participation in a conversation or presentation and evaluative in terms of thought or
processing of information to reach a decision. We saw that undivided attention is obvious when a rate
of eighty percent eye contact, or nearly so, is achieved while being listened to, and whilst speaking
occurs at a rate of sixty percent with any significant deviation representing a loss of attention. We saw
that fidgeting or repetitive behaviours such as tapping the toes, swinging the feet or drumming the
fingers can signal boredom. We covered other boredom indicators like the body sagging or slouching in
a seat, leaning against the wall or dropping the head.

We then moved onto agreement indicators and found that slow nodding shows general agreement, but
that quick nodding can show impatience or a desire to interject and also that the brain is hardwired to
think positively either when nodding or viewing nodding by others. Next we learned that when the
hand holds the chin it shows varying levels of negative thoughts by how much weight it supports. The
more the weight held by the hand, we saw, the more boredom present.

We then looked at other evaluative body language such as chin stroking, signifying that the decision
making process had begun but that a conclusion had not yet been reached, what glasses mean, peering
over the glasses means judgment, hand steepling which shows confidence and hidden superiority, and
neck rubbing, which is a restraint posture indicating negative feelings. Lastly, we covered additional
evaluative body language such as stroking the side of the nose, flared nostrils, pinching the bridge of
the nose, looking upwards, or looking around the room, but cautioned that some of these same gestures
can be indicators of other thoughts. For example, we learned that looking up might also mean that
someone is in disbelief and is ‘sending a prayer to God.’ We found that flared nostrils can also mean an
internal judgment is forming, agitated or even aggression. We concluded that when we witness
evaluative gestures we should prepare to mount a better case, or prepare for a possible negative
outcome.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Introduction – Chapter 11

A universal facial expression – Anger.
Emotional body language is a charged topic because it essentially defines people. When we talk about

emotions we talk about what motivates people which includes but is certainly not limited to fear, anger,
sadness, timidity or shyness, disgust, and happiness. Emotional nonverbal communication is present
everyday, and in many forms, and can reduce conflict before it starts, or identify weaknesses that can
be soothed or taken advantage of, depending on the particular desires of the body language reader.
Before dispelling outright the desire to exploit, remind yourself that in most cases, there exists some
degree of competition or cooperation in all of life, which is frequently only differentiated by matters of
degree, type and more importantly, outcome. Thus, if one wishes to formulate mutual agreements
through cooperation, or feels compelled to assist those who are at a disadvantage, they should welcome
and read the body language just the same. In other words, read emotions to discover underlying
insecurities or happiness in other people and do with it as you please, but also be aware of your own
signals since it will give ammunition to others that can be used against you. Sometimes these cues end
up in the less that charitable people around you such as predators. This makes knowing the cues
important in displaying victim type body language to avoid appearing like an easy target, and not just
to criminals, but to salesman, potentially abusive spouses, and children looking to take advantage of
our goodwill.

In this chapter we will cover many topics including displacement behaviour which includes any
nonverbal signal meant to quell anxiety due to encroachment on personal space. As we learned
previously, personal space and territories play an important function in our lives, however, these zones
are frequently breeched when in busy city streets and other public areas. We also cover how the fight or
flight mechanism plays into body language and how the catch phrase is a misnomer because animals
and people don’t usually respond in that way, at least not in that order. Clenching and gripping body
language is also covered. We’ll see how the aforementioned is an important subset of body language
since it reveals inner tension and how, and perhaps more importantly, why, nervous hands shake and
what it all means to poker players. We will even discover what sort of body language indicates that a
person has a poor self image, the role eyebrows play with respect to the emotions they convey, what
interlaced fingers that rub together and palm finger stroking mean, and how suckling and mouthing
turns us back into babies. Next we cover why compressed lips and lip pursing aren’t the same, nor do
they mean that someone wants to kiss. In fact, coupled with the down-turned smile they all mean
negative thoughts are being passed around in the mind.

This chapter also covers a smorgasbord of other emotionally charged cues such as how tongues show
concentration and cheekiness, the sneering of the nose, what ear grabbing means and hostile body
language in brief, since it was extensively covered previously, and how rejection takes place in
sequence so we can run when we see it, or emit it when we wish to repeal the boring! If rejecting is too
pessimistic for you, what follows is how relaxation is made evident through body language. Neck and
nose body language is hit on next which become particularly sensitive under pressure and tends to
require frequent touching or covering so as to produce feelings of comfort through protection. Blocking
is also dealt with which can happen through various forms, such as the body or eyes, but each have
roots in the fight or flight response. We hit on the colour of emotion including blushing and blanching,
as well as gravity defying body language found when people experience joyful exuberance. The six
main facial expressions which are happiness, sadness, surprise, fear, anger and disgust are cataloged
and described leading into whether or not emotions can easily be faked. We also learn in this chapter
that people will take “emotional downtime” frequently throughout the day, laypeople call this
“daydreaming.” Cocooning and turtling body positions are described which both point to insecurity and
timidity as roots. We’ll also cover how we can tell if people are related or having intimate relations
based on how they hug and conclude with the remaining emotional body language.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Displacement Behaviours Protect Us In Public

Stroking an object or “object caress” (context specific) can be a way to sooth a person when in public.
In a courtship setting, an object caress spells interest.
Immediately upon leaving our homes, the place where we feel most comfortable, we begin to exhibit
what is called “displacement behaviour”. Displacement behaviour is a coping mechanism that helps
protect us emotionally from the outside world. The citizens of New York and other busy cities make for
classic examples as they work their way through the city streets expressionless. The rest of the world
sees these people as rude, despondent, miserable or unhappy but in actual fact it is completely normal
and even constructive. Our public body language shifts subtly the moment we leave the door. Our faces
show less emotion, it becomes more ‘pan faced’ as we if hiding our thoughts and inner feelings from
others. City slickers immediately identify country folk. They make eye contact with strangers more
often, and might even issue smiles, and nods at others, that is if they aren’t completely overtaken by
fear and distraction. Making contact with others is normal for country folk. They come from an area
where they know most of the inhabitants and therefore don’t fear public social interactions.
Displacement behaviour is a stone-age protective mechanism. In our evolutionary past, had we
encountered a group of strangers or a “city” of strangers, it would be in our best interest to internalize
our fears and emotions so as not to betray our position. Our position is naturally fearful due in large
part to being vastly outnumbered by what could be a potentially violent clan. We also wouldn’t want
others to know that we carried valuable trade items, or were weak or scared. Therefore, our faces show
a default position; no emotion.

Burying yourself in a book or listening to music through headphones are two great ways to retreat from
the public eye so as to go unnoticed.

Displacement behaviours also show that we aren’t interested in interacting with others. You can test
this for yourself by approaching people on the street looking for directions, for example. When you
approach them it will take a second for them to snap out of their trance, if at all, before they notice that
you are talking to them. They might even ask you to repeat what you have said because their mind had
been “switched off”. Sometimes they even refuse to snap out of the trance at all and simply shake their
head in a “no” type fashion from side to side, before continuing. We know people are in this type of
trance because their body language become more self-focused. We pull our arms and legs inward, our
face will become defocused, seemingly looking through people, and our body motions will become
more minimal so as to avoid drawing attention to us. We may even become completely immobile and
take on protective postures.

Nail biting is an oral fixation that replaces thumb sucking and allows the body to burn off nervous
energy.

Another version of displacement behaviour happens when our minds are preoccupied with an emotion.
When our home life begins to bother us when at work, our faces become emotionless as our minds drift
to this more immanent problem. Our bodies display this detachment in various ways. For example, we
begin to remove imaginary lint, play with a watch or pen, look away or become distracted, repetitive
tapping of the fingers or foot, avoiding eye contact, rubbing the hands together, pinching an eyelid,

smoothing clothing, rotating a wedding ring, nail-biting, or sucking a finger or pen. These all indicate a
hidden thought linked to anxiety. The word displacement, in this fashion indicates that one is trying to
avoid the task or issue at hand, and is instead, busy themselves with an activity that is much less taxing.
Another form of displacement behaviours include sitting slumped over, with a glazed look endlessly
staring at the floor or a spot on the wall.

Sometimes displacement behaviours are used to avoid conflict with others and those taking part would
rather not be in the situation. To avoid conflict, they appear busy and preoccupied by doing other
things. Displacement behaviours can also include gum chewing or nail biting, grooming, tapping, head
scratching or playing with jewelry. It includes any behaviour that is out of place and serves the purpose
of removing one’s self from the situation or topic at hand. We all understand when someone tries to
“change the subject”, this is the same thing, only it is accomplished silently.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Freeze, Flight or Fight

Even the fear facial expression is a classic “freeze” response. It’s as if the face has been caught in a
flash of emotion.

The fight or flight response is a bit a misnomer. It’s not actually how humans or other animals respond
to stress and danger. Lazy by nature and especially cautious of injury, recall we didn’t have doctors and
hospitals thousands of years ago and even today most animals receive no secondary care from
veterinarians, we have evolved the proclivity to handle situations in more appropriate ways. Most
animals, humans included, will naturally sequence freeze, flight and flight in that order. Freezing is
important to assess the situation, for how does one know what they are running from, and in what
direction, if they don’t first identify the object of their fear.

White-tailed deer will first begin by winding predators, and if they sense that it is close, may seemingly
flee instantly, but usually they will freeze in place to first identify the type of predator, human or other,
its location, and its proximity. They do this by tilting their heads back and passing deep breaths into
their lungs through their noses and over a specialized fluid filled structure called the vomeronasal
organ. For deer, it is their sense of smell that is their primary means of safety. Since their eyes are much
less acute than their noses, they rely on catching movement from predators especially when they are
being stalks from downwind when scenting isn’t an option. When movement is caught, deer will try to
“flush” the danger by stomping a foot rhythmically before fleeing. The foot stomp is a deer’s way of
nonverbally signaling to a predator that they have been made, that the “jig is up”, so to speak, and that
it’s time to identify themselves. The deer knows that a predator is in the vicinity though sight, smell and
sound, or possibly just has a hunch that something is amiss, and instead of fleeing outright wants to be
totally certain before “hightailing it!” To a deer, or human, running at all potential danger is wasteful
and time consuming and not always appropriate. By the way, the deer put his white tail up (the
underside of a deer’s tail is white, hence the original of its name), and will snort-wheeze which is done
by forcefully exhaling pressurized air through their mouth, to signal to predators that pursuit is futile.
Because animals have no verbal language, they communicate using nonverbal signals, and in this case,
it happens even across species.

When humans are presented with fearful situations, they also tend to freeze. Like in animals, movement
attracts attention and so to become a less obvious target to attack, the body becomes motionless.
Survivors of the Columbine shooting in 1999 played dead so as to be overlooked by the shooters Eric
Harris and Dylan Klebold despite being in plain view. Some of the survivors were just a few steps
away from the shooters. Freezing is an evolutionary strategy that reduces the chances that predator will
identify them and switches off their attack response. In everyday life we see the freeze response when
people are caught in the act of theft, when caught lying, or when hiding something. Is it an accident that
police officers yell “Stop right, there” or “Freeze scumbag” when they’ve got a suspect in their sights?
Screaming this might even yield a momentary freeze response if done loud enough. That is until the
suspects get a chance to see who is it that uttered the command, and in which direction they should run.
Shoplifters have been identified by overhead surveillance, among other body language, by the way they
seem to reduce their profile, hunch over and reduce their arm movements. This is the art of “hiding in
plain view” and is no different from what anyone else does when they want to get by unnoticed. I know
my son is up to no good when things go particularly quiet in the house. More often then not I’m right!

People will habitually freeze when they are scolded, children and adults alike, and sometimes reduce
their breath rate especially under intense scrutiny. Stress can therefore cause shallow breathing, which
is why we remind people through meditation to take deep breaths to dissipate tension. You may notice
someone holding their breath or even pushing breath through their mouths, we call these sighs, and it
indicates stress and hidden tension. Sometimes the cheeks are puffed out where air is slowly exhaled
and other times sign are riddled throughout conversation or while busy doing other tasks. If you notice
someone consistently doing this you know it’s their way of “Blowing off steam.” Be watchful of the
freeze response because in context can tell you that someone is stressed and is trying to go under the
radar. Be particularly conscious of freezing that happens suddenly by the presence of others as it will

tell you who is the object of fear. Children that suddenly freeze when a relative comes near, is telling
you that they feel uncomfortable around them, and this should worry you. A wife that clams up when
her husband is around, but is otherwise bubbly and personable, might be saying that she fears his
reprimand because she has upset him, or might even fear upsetting him by making a social blunder.
When it comes to fear-freezing, it is the sudden change from fluid to freeze that tells us what has
caused it.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Clenching And Gripping

Fists into a ball is a classic expression of discomfort. The natural position for the hands is loose and
relaxed, so when they ball-up, we know something is creating negative emotions. A smile, in this case,

indicates stress, not happiness.

Clenching and gripping are signals of frustration and restraint. They are very different then the relaxed
palm in palm gesture discussed in a previous chapter. A classic gripping posture happens when the hand
opposite reaches behind the back and grabs the wrist of the opposite arm. We know it shows frustration
because it serves to relieve tension through gripping, an energy displacement mechanism, and serves to
show restraint because the hand is gripping the arm in effort to prevent them from striking out against
another person.

Gripping, especially intensely, helps us feel more relaxed because the pain releases pleasure hormones
and adrenaline. The same could be achieved through more constructive mechanisms like running,
exercise, or constructing something useful, but like all forms of body language, the solutions come
from an archaic part of the brain through evolution (or accident), so we are not interested in doing
constructive work at a time when our minds are dealing with stress. In other words, we just want a
quick, immediate fix for the anxiety, and wringing the hands helps sooth and pacifies us without having
to leave the area. Most minds deal poorly with stress and can’t function normally without dealing with
the source, so the last thing we want to do is leave the area in which the problem has arisen without a
solution. Wringing the hands is a gesture that is seen in people the world over. At times the fingers may
become interlaced appearing as if in prayer, which might even be the case. Pressure can be so great that
the fingers can even blanch as blood flow is impeded.

Extreme anxiety causes the desire to control the pain by inflicting it against ourselves. It gives back our
sense of control over our anxiety. People who resort to ‘cutting’ also seek to displace their anxiety and
control it.

Pacing is a classic full-blown signal of anxiety, and falls into the same energy displacement category
because it gives us something to do and burns extra calories in a trickle to make us feel more relaxed.
Clenching and gripping are ways of signaling that a negative thought or emotion is being held back. A
more intense hand gripping posture happens when the arm grips higher up near the elbow or upper arm.

The higher the grip, the more frustration is present and the more self control is expressing. Clenching
and gripping postures occur anytime stress and anger is present, such as waiting to see a doctor or
dentist, awaiting bad news, or during conflict.
Another form of clenching that shows emotional restraint happens with the hands in a raised position
instead of being hidden behind the back. This form of clenching appears as if the hands are being rung
out by each other, as we would a wet article of clothing. Smiling does not negate the gesture either, and
even alludes to a greater than normal tension. Smiles when accompanied by wringing, are called “stress
smiles” or grimacing. The hands can be held in front of the face, resting on the desk or lap or when
standing, in front of the crotch, but once again, the higher the clenching appears the more prevalent and
obvious is the tension.

Hand wringing allows us to ‘control’ our pain and discomfort – it gives us an outlet.
The hands and feet are key places to verify anxiety and will be the usual suspects in betraying
emotions. They move easily and freely from the rest of the body and can be used to burn energy and
release stress anxiety without requiring the body to move large distances. Because they can be moved
independent of the body, they also tend to leak information more readily. Therefore, to read anxiety
carefully watch for tapping toes or fingers, or feet that move frequently or never seem to find a
comfortable position as well as any other repetitive behaviours. Foot movements will show more
restraint than hand movements especially if someone is trying to hide their fears from others.

Jaw clenching.

Clenching and gripping can have many other forms as well, including clenching the jaws tight or even
talking through the teeth, cracking knuckles, pulling the hair or even plucking it, pinching one’s self,
and clenching the fists by turning them into a ball. In my observations of other people, I have noticed
some peculiar emotional behaviour that includes the grotesque such as squeezing pimples to plucking
nose hairs to more damaging and extreme behaviours such as hitting the head and scratching called
“self harm” but can include any other painful and repetitive behaviours serving to sooth emotional
stress.
The more astute will notice tension from something so minor that most won’t even notice, and the
carrier of which, will have no conscious awareness. That is, sitting in an awkward position, or rather,
sitting in a less than fully relaxed position. This cue tells us that they won’t and can’t permit themselves
to take on a more relaxed position because they should be doing something else more pressing or
useful. Perhaps watching television isn’t of highest priority when one weighs the importance of a report
or an essay for school, that the house needs tending to, or family time has been ignored. Notice a fully
relaxed position for a person over time, and then note when they aren’t holding it, then you’ll know
something isn’t right in their minds! Identify the pattern, call them out on it, and then look like a
genious!

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Nervous Hands

Nervous hands clasp to steady.
A telltale clue to nervousness is when the hands begin to shake. Since the hands are designed for fine
motor control, they are easily affected by a surge of adrenaline stimulated from stress from nervousness
or excitement. Any stimulus, good or bad, can stimulating the muscles in the hands to fire out of
control creating quivering. The limbic mind driven by fight or flight response is what causes hand
shaking which makes the nonverbal cue particularly honest and predictive.

As mentioned even positive events can create shaking, such as an excellent hand in poker or seeing
someone we have a deep crush on. Hands more often than not however, will quiver when bad things
happen that send us into a fear response such as preparing to take the stage to present in front of an
audience, being in a serious car crash or swerving to avoid one at the last minute. When in any sort of
confrontation, we can also experience hand shaking. To decide what sort of stimulus, be it fear or
excitement that it causing the quivering one doesn’t have to go much further than context. From there,
it should be obvious why someone is shaking.

A hand-to-mouth gesture used to placate nervous hands.
To disguise handshaking, some people will grasp at objects such as drinking glasses, will clasp their
hands together or occupy them with “busy work.” Other times people will steady their uneasy hands by
grabbing the hand of a relative, cupped them hand-in-hand at the chest, or thrust them underneath the
armpits or in pockets. People who suffer from pronounced handshaking will develop elaborate
ritualized gestures to keep their hands from being noticed. They will play with the arms of eye glasses,
twirl pencils, or fidget with clothing. To others it will go unnoticed because they will appear as a
normal part of their repertoire – their baseline.

Does he always sit on his hands or is he hiding something?
Teenage girls meeting a celebrity pop singer are often seen fidgeting with their hands as they defy
gravity by bouncing up and down. Their hands will often be flung sky-high and they clasp together in
excitement. This is nervous energy personified and the hands show the limbic system in overdrive.
Watch for this “tell” in a poker game as hands might come together underneath the table to steady each
other. Hand shaking in poker, however, can be due to either fear of getting caught bluffing or the
excitement good hand. In this case, it is a person’s baseline that helps predict which of the two is really
happening. Hand quivering is important only when it deviates from a person’s normal repertoire of
actions. For example, if hand quivering suddenly starts up or stops when discussing a particular event,
we know that event is the root. It will then be our job to decide why the event caused nervousness or
excitement. The same goes for any other cue, be it a new person added to a social gathering, nearing
the edge of a cliff (fear of heights), being asked a question that is difficult to answer and so forth.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Poor Self Image And The Body Language That
Tells

Tugging at the ears helps distract the mind from emotional stress.

“Auto contact” is a term used to describe any gesture such as stroking the beard, rubbing the hands,
tugging the ear, massaging the throat, pulling the fingers, rubbing the back of the neck and so forth,
which is meant to sooth the body and create comfort. These gestures are also used to eliminate internal
tensions and provide reassurance. It is believed that these mannerisms stem from childhood sources
when our parents would comfort us with touch. Social touching has been shown to increase oxytocin
which is a natural chemical messenger released by the brain. Oxytocin also helps in reducing anxiety,
and creates feelings of contentment, calmness and creates trust. Studies reveal that oxytocin plays a big
role in orgasm since it helps control fear and anxiety. In fact, when negative emotions aren’t controlled,
orgasm is impossible. Self touching serves to fight the underlying stress associated with the negative
stimulus so as to recreate the feelings of having someone sooth you. This reminds people of more
pleasurable situations. In short, it takes the mind to a better place. Grooming and self touching, stem
wholly from arousal but this arousal can be due to a variety of reasons. It might stem from anxiety,
anger, stress or uncertainty. It will be your job to decide which is the main cause, and part of this means
that you need to take context in mind.

Interestingly manipulations, in this way, provide others will ‘tells’ that indicate which parts of our
bodies we don’t like. For example, a man who is self conscious about his hair loss will frequently brush
or stroke his head in a failed effort to hide the bareness, especially so when under stress He might also
run his hand backwards over his head or smooth it or pat it. A woman with a large nose will motion or
touch it whenever she feels insecure. Thus, not only do these ‘tells’ indicate that someone is stressed,
but they tell us what parts of their bodies they find most troublesome. In a chain reaction, the stress
produces an underlying emotion that then creates a behaviour – a gesture, that serves to fight the stress.
This behaviour then in turn reveals an underlying self conscious attitude toward a part of our bodies.
The method used to “attack” the ‘tell’ will give you additional clues to the intent. For example, a child
who is angry will pick and pull at a scar whereas one that is embarrassed will tend to cover it from
sight or brush it.

Touching or stroking the body helps relieve stress by releasing the hormone oxytocin.

Small children, especially boys will sometimes grab at their genitals when stressed. Being unacceptable
for adults, it can be replaced with a tight leg cross where the genitals are squeezed. Women have been
known to do the same thing, even bouncing a leg up and down and squeeze their upper thighs tightly
together which can even result in orgasm. Not every leg bounce with tight leg crossing produces
orgasm though, yet this form of soothing still produces comfort, and quite likely a dose of oxytocin to
boot! Women may also lightly brush the lower parts of their breasts as they crossing their arms, which

is also in effort to self sooth. With careful observation (be careful here) the breast will seem to slightly
lift as the second arm crosses over the first, locking it in place. This is one of the postures that becomes
much more obvious after being recognized once. Resting the head on a hand or rubbing the back of the
neck, wringing the hands or rubbing the legs are all substitutes to more overt self-stimulation. Men
might resort to rubbing their temples and women might employ hair touches and grooming or stroking
the sides of their arms. No matter how self touching unveils itself, it can show hidden insecurities, so
can provide useful information about someone especially when taken in proper context.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Eyebrow Lowering

Eyebrows lowered is a sign of pain – here we see grief.
Eyebrows can squint just like eyes can and have many different meanings. Eyebrows can be lowered to

indicate confrontation due to anger or aggression, fear from threats, when we feel displeasure or are
annoyed. If eyebrows are dropped low enough and kept there it indicates weakness and insecurity. This
is true universally and so can even appear in children especially those who are abused. Lowered
eyebrows is submissive, cowering, facial expression.

Inmate report seeking the gesture when new prisoners arrive as clues to which will make easy targets.
Lowered eyebrows is a sign of being defeated and weak and shows that one is unlikely to put up a
fight. Bullies at school will also look for the expression to single out children as prey and so will social
predators and psychopaths. Victims are rarely chosen at random and I’ve witnessed the body language
myself from a woman who reported suffering abuse as a child and several times as an adult. She carried
herself in vulnerable ways and stood out for this reason so she likely attracted attention as an easy
target. In business, eyebrow lowering can indicate the relative strength of a position and in negotiation
show that someone is willing to surrender with little fight.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Interlacing Fingers and Palm Finger Stroking

Interlaced fingers is a low confidence hand display.
When the fingers massage the palm or the fingers are interlaced together then gently rub up and down

as the fingers stroke the inside of the other indicate a person who is in doubt, has low confidence, or is
experiencing stress. As tension escalates the gesture will move from palm stroking into more rigorous
interlaced finger stroking making the two a progression of intensity. Thus while palm stroking is due to
mild doubt or slight confidence issues, interlaced fingers that rub up and down is to do a higher level of
anxiety.
Both gestures are excellent examples of pacifying behaviours meant to sooth underlying emotional
discomfort. As conversations intensify watch for increases in soothing body language revealing the
underlying anxiety.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Suckling And Mouthing Body Language

Hand to mouth gestures comes off as dishonest – as if we have something to hide.
The mouth and lips are full of nerve endings which, when stimulated, provides tactile gratification and
comfort. However, anytime the fingers go to the mouth or play with the side of the mouth or lip, it’s a
retrogressive action since the gesture is an attempt to regain the security they had as an infant suckling
and mouthing. Nail biting is also a form of emotional body language, and when present, is usually
habitual because of its origins. The habit which is highly unsightly screams “I am insecure” so should
be eliminated from a person’s repertoire. These types of gestures are called “pacifying behaviours”
because they are designed to reduce anxiety when exposed to something distressing. Pacifying
language tells us the mind is not at ease and is an attempt to restore the body’ natural state. The ears,
neck and nose are also areas people will hit when their minds require pacifying and they are covered
next. Pacifying can also sometimes give up liars because they can be tied or linked to specific words
uttered that then in turn require the body to be stroked to create comfort. Pacifying has everything to do
with releasing bad tension as a substitute to the hand of a comforting mother.

The arms of glasses can serve as a soother while “babying” a thought.

While baby mouthing has no definitive explanation, it likely stems from the need to strengthen the
muscles of the jaw and tongue and increase their coordination to better handle solid foods. Ancestral
babies would not have had access to processed foods and the best they would have done was mouth to
mouth transfers of masticated food, or food that was broken up by hand. These foods would have
contained larger bits as well that might have caused less coordinated babies to choke. When babies first
start eating solid foods, they need to balance the size and dryness of the foods with how much they

need to mouth it, and yet it, so as to avoid moving it to the back of the throat too soon leading to
gagging and vomiting. Poor mouth coordination tied with a mother who’s milk has gone dry too soon,
and you have a baby facing early death. Mouthing, therefore, has a strong selective pressure, so today
we find babies that mouth whatever they can, to get all the practice they can get. A secondary
explanation to mouthing behaviour is that is serves as a way to test and explore objects with a sense
that it more developed.
Hand to mouth actions are the most common target for auto touching. It might stem from the concern
of giving up too much information, or letting a lie slip, or due to the need for reassurance. Covering the
mouth is a natural reaction children do when they tell a secret or inadvertently say a word they know
they shouldn’t. Speaking through the hand also shows insecurity and is found when uncomfortable
people speak in public. They will hold an elbow on the table and wrap the forefinger around outside of
the mouth as they speak.

Lip play.

Hair tugging or stroking.

Sucking on a pen
Adults that are tense or anxious will play with their mouth or lip. Mouthing a pen, cigarette, piece of
their own hair, and even gum when used as a comfort device, are a substitute for the mother’s breast
and early childhood mouthing. Sucking, plucking, picking or chewing the lips, rubbing them with a
finger or thumb are all forms of auto touching. Confident individuals would never consider using this
type of security blanket, let alone be seen touching their faces out of insecurity.

Chapter 11 - Emotional Body Language

Compressed Lips, Down-turned Smile And Lip
Pursing