Dork Diaries_How to Dork Your Diary

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ALADDIN * Simon & Schuster, New york
Cover designed by Lisa Vega * Cover illustrations
copyright © 2011 by Rachel Renee Rusell
Ages 9-13 * 1011 *



ALSO BY
Rachel Renée Rus el

D rk Diaries:
Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life

D rk Diaries 2:
Tales from a Not-So-Popular Party Girl

D rk Diaries 3:
Tales from a Not-So-Talented Pop Star



This bo k is a w rk of fiction. Any ref rences to hist rical ev nts, real people, r real locales are
used fictitiously. Other names, char cters, places, and incidents are the product of the auth r’s
imagination, and any res mblance to actual ev nts r locales r persons, living r dead, is entirely
coincidental.

ALADDIN * An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division * 1230 Avenue of the
Americas, New Y rk, NY 10020 www.SimonandSchuster.com * First Alad in hardcover edition
October 2011 * Copyright © 2011 by Rachel Renée Rus el * Al rights res rved, including the
right of reproduction in whole r in part in any f rm. * ALADDIN is a trademark of Simon &
Schuster, Inc., and related log is a register d trademark of Simon & Schuster, Inc. * The Simon &
Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring auth rs to your live ev nt. F r m re inf rmation r to bo k an
ev nt contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 r visit our website at
www.simonspeakers.com. * Designed by Lisa Vega * The text of this bo k was set in Skip y Sharp.
*
Library of Congres Control Number 2011936869. *
ISBN 978-1-4424-2233-9 * ISBN 978-1-4424-2234-6 (eBo k)

This bo k is dedicated to YOU, my wonderful readers!

Fil it with your daydreams, dram , and do dles. And always rem mber
to let your in er D rk shine through!

Contents

FRIDAY, AT HOME, 6:05 A.M.
AT HOME, 6:12 A.M.
AT HOME, 6:30 A.M.
AT HOME, 7:10 A.M.
GIRLS’ BATHROOM AT SCHOOL, 7:45 A.M.
ENGLISH CLASS, 8:00 A.M.
FRENCH CLASS, 9:50 A.M.
SOCIAL STUDIES CLASS, 10:47 A.M.
GYM CLASS, 11:45 A.M.
CAFETERIA, 12:25 P.M.
BIOLOGY CLASS, 1:30 P.M.
GEOMETRY CLASS, 2:00 P.M.
LIBRARY, 2:35 P.M.
IN THE HALL OUTSIDE THE
BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM, 2:45 P.M.
AT HOME, 4:00 P.M.
AT HOME, 4:30 P.M.

FRIDAY, AT HOME, 6:05 A.M.
OMG!!

I just had the most HORRIFIC nightmare!
The w rst in my entire life!
I’m so o FREAKED OUT I can barely write this.

I’m having cold sweats, my heart is pounding, and my brain is … numb with such intense … anguish it
fe ls like it’s about to, um … EXPLODE!



WHY?!

I DREAMED I LOST MY DIARY AT SCHOOL !!!!!!

YES!! At SCHOOL!! Like, how CRAZY is THAT?!

The weird thing is that it se ms like it actual y hap en d. Because as so n as I woke up, al thes
detailed mem ries came flo ding into my head, making me fe l ev n m re confused.
I can’t imagine NOT writing in my diary! It’s like I’m ad icted r something.
In my dream I was so desperate that I found Brian a’s old do dle bo k at the bot om of her toy
box and started writing in that instead.
But mostly I was FRANTIC that someone would find my diary and read al the SUPERpersonal,
SUPERembarras ing, SUPERsecret stuf about



AAAHHH!!

That was me screaming.

WHY?

Because if I’m writing in BRIANNA’S DOODLE BOOK, that can mean only one thing.…

I LOST MY DIARY AT SCHOOL YESTERDAY
!!

AAAHHH!!!

AT HOME, 6:12 A.M.

I think I may be having a nervous breakdown r something because sud enly I just started crying and
couldn’t stop.

My ro m was a total mes a er just one box of tis ues.

But by the time I sobbed my way through sev n boxes of tis ues, I lo ked like a giant piec of
LINT.
With EYEBALLS!

As much as I wanted to just lie ther staring at the wal and sulking, I FINALLY decided it was
time to drag my but out of bed.

WHY?
Because al those wet, sog y tis ues wer quickly starting to dry and harden around my body,
potential y transf rming ME into a HUMAN piñat !!
And Brian a just LOVES piñat s.
I was absolutely TERRIFIED she would:
1. Dump six boxes of range Tic Tacs down my throat.
2. String me up on a pole.
3. Smack me around with a plastic bat until I either burst r coughed up some candy.
That child has serious is ues.
I’m just saying.… !!

AT HOME, 6:30 A.M.

I can’t believ this is actual y hap ening to me!

The last time I rem mber se ing my diary was yesterday at breakfast.

A er I finished writing in it, I stuck it inside that cute lit le front zip er pocket of my backpack
just like I always do.

I had a vocabulary quiz in French and a chapter test in geometry, so I didn’t have time to write in
it until my sev nth-period clas .

And when I open d the front zip er pocket of my backpack, my diary was GONE !!!

Being the big est d rk in the entire scho l is bad enough. And now ev ryone is going to be reading
my diary!

I’m WORSE than a TOTAL LOSER!!! I’m a



Okay! Is it just ME, r are thes drawings a desperate cry f r help?!
Brian a ne ds to be placed on a very potent antipsychotic medication. ASAP!
I’m just sayin’ …!

* PLAN FOR FINDING MY LOST DIARY *

Step 1. Check the lost and found in scho l of ice. (If not found, proce d to Step 2.)

Step 2. Check each of my clas ro ms. (If not found, proce d to Step 3.)

Step 3. Check hal ways, cafet ria, and library. (If STILL not found, proce d to Step 4.)

DIEStep 4. Crawl inside my locker, slam the do r shut, and … !!

HERB, THE JANITOR, DISCOVERS THE STANK COMING FROM LOCKER #724

This whole fiasco is SO mas ively TRAUMATIZING I can barely think straight.

I’m sure I’m probably suf ering from some very h rrible and rare dis rder like, um, Stres -Related
Brain … Constipation!

And my il nes wil make it nearly impos ible f r me to ke p a diary.

At this point, the only thing I can do is use Brian a’s do dle bo k to write very specific instructions
to myself about HOW to ke p a diary.

The go d news is that anyone can use my personal tips to make their own diary.

Learning how to d rk a diary wil be both a thril ing and rewarding experience f r al humankind.

And who knows, maybe one day your diary could ev n save your life.…

Se what I mean?!

AM I NOT BRILLIANT ?!!

NOTE TO SELF

Your diary wil probably become one of your most valuable pos es ions.
So it’s imp rtant to det rmine which type of diary is best suited f r your personality.

HOW TO DORK YOUR DIARY TIP #1

DISCOVER YOUR DIARY IDENTITY.

Answer the fol owing questions to find out the best type of diary f r you.
1. It’s a Saturday a erno n. Your homew rk is al done and you have an hour to do whatev r you
want. You decide to:
A. Play an exciting round of your fav rite computer r video game.

B. Spend time relaxing by reading that new bo k your BFF has be n raving about.

C. Check in with your friends via e-mail, text, r a social-netw rking site like Everlo p.

D. Let your creative juices flow by drawing your fav rite anime char cters.

2. You le your diary in your third-hour English clas , and your secret crush returns it to you
during lunch. You:

A. E-mail him one of those cute animated thank-you e-cards and surprise him with his fave candy
bar as a reward!

B. Gag on your meat loaf and then rush to the girls’ bathro m, wher you spend the rest of the
day hiding out in a locked stal .

C. Hope he read the part in your diary about you liking him, so he’l final y ask you to the scho l
dance. Hey, it’s only a we k aw y!

D. Blush profusely when he compliments that funky self-p rtrait in glit er you’re w rking on f r
the art show and of er to draw a zany caricature of him as a thank-you.

3. When something is real y bothering you, you usual y:

A. Ponder the problem f r an hour r two and then try to f rget about it by doing a self-induced
brain fre ze with thre gal ons of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream.

B. Privately obses over the problem al day long while trying to convince ev ryone who asks “Are you
okay?” that you’re fine and nothing is bothering you because (1) your problem is way to
complicated f r them to understand, and (2) you’re way to exhausted from pret nding you’re
just fine to explain it to them.

C. Vent about the problem rather loudly to anyone and ev ryone who’l listen to you. Because if YOU
ain’t hap y, NOBODY should be hap y!

D. Distract yourself from w rrying by chan eling al that negative en rgy into a creative project.
Like painting a stil -life mural inside your locker and ad ing a water fountain, scented candles,
and a yoga mat, and then total y chil ing out in betwe n clas es.

4. Your birthday was thre months ago and you stil ne d to send your grandma a thank-you note
f r that hideous avocado-gre n sweater she knit ed f r you that was two sizes to big and m re
itchy than a sev re case of poison ivy. You:

A. Drop her a quick e-mail sincer ly tel ing her how you’l cherish her gi f rev r, while casual y
mentioning how much you real y, real y LOVE gi cards because one size fits al and they don’t
usual y cause a rash.

B. Compose a heartfelt, handwrit en thank-you note inf rming her that her gi is being w rn
almost daily. But you leave out the part about how you buried it out in the backyard and your
dad accidental y found it when he was watering the gras and now it’s his lucky bowling sweater.

C. Friend your grandma online and then post your thank-you note on her page along with a picture
of yourself in the sweater SHE knit ed so that her fourte n online friends can se it. But you

also wear the ski mask YOU knit ed so that your 1,784 online friends won’t recognize you in a
sweater that lo ks like dirty yak fur.
D. Paint a life-size p rtrait of yourself wearing the sweater and send it to your grandma to show
your gratitude. Because thanks to her, some very lucky dog r cat at the local animal shelter
wil give birth to her lit er on a warm, fuzzy, two-sizes-to -big avocado-gre n sweater.

5. Which of the fol owing is most true?
A. You’re a very tech-savvy person. You’re a team player and always up f r a chal enge.
B. You’re friendly and a hopel s romantic. You love curling up in a comfy blanket and daydreaming.
C. You’re hap y and have lots of friends. Ther ’s always some type of dram going on in your life.
D. You’re creative and enjoy art, music, dram , and poetry. Your personal style is unique and slightly

edgy.
6. You hear the news that your BFF’s soccer team just won the regional championship. You:

A. Send her the text mes age “You GO, GIRL! Congrats!”

B. Congratulate her with a big hug when you se her.

C. Leave her a phone mes age of you screaming hysterical y.

D. Surprise her with a handmade poster on her locker that says “Congrats! You ROCK!”

7. You’re about to wash your fav rite pair of jeans and find ten dol ars stashed in the back pocket
from your last babysit ing job. You’re RICH! So you treat yourself to:

A. A ticket to that blockbuster movie based on your fav rite bo k. You’ve be n waiting, like,
FOREVER f r it to come out!

B. Gourmet CUPCAKES! SQUEEEEEE!!

C. Lip glos ! Ther ’s a buy-two-get-one-FREE sale at the mal !
D. Music f r your iPod. Ther are some new tunes you’ve heard lately that are real ear candy.
8. You’re at a slumber party and it’s game time. Which of the fol owing would you rather play?

A. Just Dance

B. The Game of Life

C. Truth r Dare

D. Pictionary

Now lo k back at which answer you circled f r each question.

Which let er do you have the most of?

I have mostly____________.

MOSTLY As
You are smart and curious, and you like learning new things. You wil most enjoy ke ping a diary on
your computer. Write detailed entries about your inter sting adventures and new discoveries.

MOSTLY Bs
You are kind and sensitive, and you like helping others. You wil most enjoy writing in a diary r
journal. Your dreams and fe lings are sacred. Share them with your diary like a best friend.

MOSTLY Cs

You are friendly and outgoing, and you love people. You wil most enjoy writing a blog. Sel ct a fab
online ID and share your exciting, DIVALICIOUS life with your friends.

MOSTLY Ds

You are creative and indep ndent, and you are a talented artist. You wil most enjoy ke ping your
thoughts in a sketchbo k. Let your in ermost fe lings inspire you to create emo poetry, beautiful
art, and hilarious do dles.

Now try out the sug ested diary f rmat f r your personality. If you love it, you’ve found your
match! Howev r, if it’s not the best fit, try the others and sel ct the one you’re most comf rtable
with. GOOD LUCK !

AT HOME, 7:10 A.M.

I’m already dreading scho l today.

Part of me wants to just give up and go back to bed. But since I desperately ne d to find my diary,
staying home is NOT an option.

Just the thought of kids at my scho l reading my diary makes me physical y il . I was so nauseated
this m rning, I could barely ev n eat anything.

Of course, it didn’t help that Brian a was making a huge gourmet breakfast f r Mis Pen lope.

SORRY! But Mis Pen lope is JUST a stupid lit le HAND PUPPET! Any IDIOT could take one lo k
at her and know she could NEVER eat that much fo d!!

But m re than anything, I was total y GROSSED OUT by the nasty mes Brian a was making.

Why, why, why was I not b rn an only child ?!!

NOTE TO SELF

It’s always fun to write about things that make you hap y. But did you know that writing about a
bad experience r disap ointment can sometimes make you fe l a lot bet er about the situation? If
you’re having a real y crud y day, rem mber to use your diary as a way to help you vent and w rk
through your frustrations.

HOW TO DORK YOUR DIARY TIP #2

WRITE ABOUT THE
GOOD, THE BAD,
AND THE UGLY.

THE GOOD:

Write about the BEST thing that has ev r hap en d to you. How did you fe l?
Draw a picture:

THE BEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME !

THE BAD:

Write about the WORST thing that has ev r hap en d to you. How did you fe l?
Draw a picture:

THE WORST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME !

THE UGLY:

Write about the most EMBARRASSING things that have ev r hap en d to you. How did you fe l?
Draw pictures:

THE TWO MOST EMBARRASSING THINGS
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME !



NOTE TO SELF

Make sure you write in your diary ev ry single day. Even if you LOSE your diary, just ke p writing
in a spare notebo k r in your lit le sister’s an oying do dle bo k.



HOW TO DORK YOUR DIARY TIP #3

ALWAYS DO THE
WRITE THING.

Surprise! This is a POP QUIZ! Grab a pencil r pen and write a diary entry RIGHT NOW about
what hap en d to you today! Ke p writing until you se the w rd “STOP.”



GIRLS’ BATHROOM AT SCHOOL, 7:45 A.M.

As so n as I got to scho l, I practical y ran to the of ice. I didn’t ev n wait around f r my BFFs,
Chloe and Zoey.

The scho l secretary, Mrs. Pearson, was placing mail in the teacher mailboxes.

“Um … excuse me, but has anyone found a lost bo k?” I asked frantical y.

“Go d m rning, Nikki. Actual y, a student DID turn in a bo k yesterday! He said he found it in the
hal near the cafet ria.”

I could not believ my luck! I was so hap y and reliev d, I could have hug ed her.

“OMG! Someone found it and turned it in?” I squealed excitedly. “I’m pret y sure it’s MINE!”

Thank go dnes this nightmare was final y over.

When Mrs. Pearson handed me the bo k, I to k one lo k and my heart drop ed. It was NOT my
diary!

NOOOOO!!