The words you are searching are inside this book. To get more targeted content, please make full-text search by clicking here.
Discover the best professional documents and content resources in AnyFlip Document Base.
Published by tasch, 2018-11-29 07:31:08

Khuluma December 2018

Keywords: Travel,Travel magazine,online magazine,Khuluma,Khuluma magazine,Khuluma online magazine,Online travel magazine,Kulula,Kulula magazine

take me home please December 2018

with Barry Hilton

FOR THE MENU see pages 4 & 5



the topFROM

he oldest recorded person was a French lady who lived to be 122 years old. Being
French, she obviously never degraded herself with fast food, although the frogs
could get a little racy at times. Not so much the snails.

Many of the other recorded supercentenarians are Japanese or Italian, and are

noteworthy by typically having led fairly austere lives on abysmally bland diets, which

makes one wonder if it really is worth the misery of imbibing fish broth for 115 years plus.

Going large on food is a relatively new concept introduced by the land of large TVs with large

couches, where the long-life batteries in the remote are likely to outlast the average congested

arteries. Nothing that can’t be fixed with a bypass and a mobility device. It’s like tickling a

crocodile’s oesophagus because you know a good neurosurgeon.

Of course, the supersizing craze has now spread to most of the world, and is even

pushing its hefty way into China, where spinach and noodles have traditionally been the

order of the day and it wasn’t uncommon to see someone sporting a good rack of ribs.

That would be hard to achieve when you are sucking up the equivalent of 24 teaspoons

of sugar in your supersized soft drink.

But every drive-through has its silver lining. If you were concerned that nobody

is doing much to constrain mankind from breeding like bunnies, then take heart

that the super-double-up-mega-side-order industry is waging a secret war on

overpopulation. If the sugar doesn’t get you, then the salt and the preservatives

and the pesticides and the animal steroids may. No need to wait for a global

pandemic, nuclear holocaust or famine – you might must just eat yourself

into oblivion.

Erik Venter, CEO: Comair Ltd DECEMBER 2018 3

consisting of an optical frame with tinted single vision lenses


The Basotho Heritage Blanket BLANKET
has been noticed, and boldly
put on a world stage

It features vividly The exquisite Kingdom of TODAY, REVERED Apart from its functional warmth,
in Black Panther, Lesotho is home to the Basotho BY TRAVELLER AND the blanket boldly symbolises
Marvel’s recent nation. It is a high-altitude, JOURNALIST ALIKE, THE virtues that celebrate nationality
record-breaking, landlocked country encircled BASOTHO BLANKET and pride, birth, boyhood, manhood,
stereotype-smashing, superhero by South Africa and crisscrossed IS AFFECTIONATELY womanhood, adulthood, peace, love,
movie. It also caught the eye of the by a network of rivers and royalty, bravery and courage, light
Western fashion world, in that the mountain ranges. DENOTED AS: and warmth, marriage and union,
blanket was turned into a fashion honour, milestones, indeed life itself,
accessory, appropriated and Lesotho emerged under King “… a style signature of and even death. That certain blanket
reinterpreted on the catwalk by Moshoeshoe in 1822 and his Lesotho …” names, designs and colourways
major luxury fashion giants such leadership extended until 1868. have unique meanings, decoded by
as Louis Vuitton. “… both beautiful and wearers in an unobtrusive manner, is
During the early 19th century, functional, the Basotho an absolute marvel.
Being such a proprietary missionaries, settlers, pastoralists, blanket is popular amongst
Basotho signature, is this travellers, adventurers and traders all classes of society – from Memorable events are signified by
induction to the world to be all entered and explored Lesotho. miners and herdsmen to the a blanket, from a royal coronation to
embraced? It is only when the They brought along diversity and King and Queen of Lesotho …” the simple gesture of gifting a person
fascinating story of the Basotho the blanket was part of a spectrum who is about to venture on a long
blanket is better understood, that of European cultural goods “… totally part of their culture. journey. In fact, every good wish, be
one can answer this poignant introduced to the Basotho. Goods It’s their outfit and their it for health, peace or in preparation
question. The answer then is clear: were sifted, and of a wide range traditional gift …” for change, is bestowed and very
It is to be celebrated. of foreign items, the blanket was much celebrated in the form of a
particularly embraced. “… effortless and chic …” chosen Basotho blanket.
At a point in time when division
is rife, it is opportune to pen a A pivotal moment ensued in “… design details and colours The Basotho people have accepted,
contrasting story that promotes 1860 when a blanket was gifted are rich in meaning and embraced and transformed a foreign
unity and transcends borders. to Moshoeshoe by a French symbolism, such as corn gift, a gesture of centuries ago, into
missionary. Delighted, he wore symbolising wealth and something quite spectacular, unlike any
THE STORY OF THE BASOTHO it over his shoulders a la poncho, fertility. The Basotho blanket other nation.
HERITAGE BLANKET like the traditional animal skin is also a status symbol,
Although there have been pivotal mantle. This signified the birth marking important stages in The blanket has become a tradition
moments and stakeholders that of the blanket-wearing tradition. life. The blankets are gifted in itself and an indicator of identity and
shaped the story, it is not defined Surprisingly, the origin of the for occasions such as birth, nationality. May the beauty, love and
by any one moment or person. Basotho blanket is therefore initiation ceremonies into meaning of the Basotho blanket boldly
Where other nations may have not in itself a Basotho invention. adulthood and marriage …” live on and transcend borders. History
protected their set ways, the It was a gift, a gesture of and the Basotho people say it will.
Basotho explored the new, strange goodwill, welcomed, embraced “… secret language …”
and beautiful and, in fact, adopted, and adapted by the Basotho as a Aranda Textile Mills (Pty) Ltd is
adapted and moulded it into a core wearing blanket. Coupled with its construction the proud custodian and licenced
part of their heritage and daily and aesthetics, the marvel of the manufacturer of the Basotho Heritage
lives. It has stood the test of time Its prominence was enforced Basotho blanket lies in its deep- Blanket. Established in 1953, Aranda
ever since. by the rinderpest of 1897, which rooted meaning to the Basotho Textiles is a large local manufacturer
greatly depleted the animal people, interwoven into the of quality blankets, throws and
population of Lesotho. fabric of their culture. homeware textiles.

Group profile: Local online sales: Basotho Heritage Blanket: Homeware:

✉✆ +27 (0) 11 693 3721 [email protected]


19 37


Supersizing isn’t always what it’s From plus-size bodysuits to extra-
cracked up to be. large bras, these guys bring all the 101 PHOTO FINISH
girls to the, um, theatre. Catch an exhibition of
19 LISTEN, COUSINS fast-vanishing African traditions.
When you can’t remember names, 58 SOUL SISTAHS
everyone’s your cousin. Sing it, sister! 102 THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH
Spot orcas and SUP with
29 BAH! HUMBUG! 71 PICTURE YOURSELF ON seals in Simon’s Town.
Tom Eaton channels Dickens for A BOAT ON THE OCEAN
the 21st century. Blues musicians + ocean liner = 111 MIDLANDS MASSIVE
deep water. Away from the sea, KZN is
Experience a whole other adventure.
Join South Africa’s most Before you put the turkey in the oven, Barry Hilton has been around the
colourful music-makers on the you may want to read this. block many times. Many blocks.
dance floor in the North The biggest blocks, in fact.
West Province. 85 RAISING THE BAR
Book now for a place at one of 127 LEAPS OF FAITH
39 ON OUR RADAR these tables. If you’re not in Vic Falls for
Our supersize guide to New Year’s Eve, then there’s
all you could do 93 SEASIDE SNORES only one question worth asking:
this December. We do like to sleep beside the seaside. why not?

10 DECEMBER 2018



137 DEEP
Years spent exploring the Cape’s incredible
kelp forests have resulted in the year’s most
spectacular book.

If you’re honing your
knowledge rather than
working on your tan…

Party, party, party. And
then some.

Leave the malls behind.

Bigger, badder, crazier…
A trail of Mzansi’s
unlikeliest attractions.

No, we’re talking about mountains.

Is this where heaven and earth meet?


Finished with Stellenbosch’s wine
farms? Say hello to the finest gin
in the land.

202 DUCK!
Cricket’s fastest bowlers are
teaming up this summer.

Two recipe books every
South African needs.

12 DECEMBER 2018



For true


zhooshing your

car means more

than a nifty

paint job. 243

Yuval Noah Harari on
the value of learning to
observe the mind.

Whether you’re looking
for stocking stuffers or
aiming to spoil yourself,
here are a few ideas.

So many great books,
so little time.

Barry Hilton’s designed
a card game you can
play forever.

The thirst is real.

Much ado about a loo.

14 DECEMBER 2018

Editor Keith Bain
Content Manager Raina Julies – [email protected]
Content Co-ordinator Vanessa Payne
Copy Editor Nicci Collier

Head of Design Studio Jayne Macé-Ferguson
Senior Designers Mfundo Archie Ndzo, Lesley-Ann van Schalkwyk

Production Editor Shamiela Brenner
Cover Photographer Sven Kristian
Makeup Artist Tremayne West

Project Manager Richard White
khlassifieds Project Manager Steve Norval
Sales Consultants Stephen Crawford, Jay Deary, Bonnie Eksteen,
Randall Grace, Nazeem Hoosen, Nikita Moore, Gavin Payne,
Andre Potgieter, Alex Romplemen, Roman Ross, Clint Smith, Zelda Stein
Advertising Co-ordinators Johan Labuschagne, Peace Guga (Intern)
Advanced retouching Sven Kristian

Paarl Media Gauteng

Business Manager Lodewyk van der Walt – [email protected]

Senior Bookkeeper Deidre Musha
General Manager, Magazines Jocelyne Bayer

CEO Comair Limited Erik Venter
Head of Marketing, Loyalty and Customer Experience, Shaun Pozyn
Marketing Manager, Bridgette Ramuluvhana
Brand Communications Manager, Luane Lavery

1 Marignane Drive, Bonaero Park, Kempton Park, 1619
Tel: 011 921 0111 | contact centre: 0861 KULULA (585852)

To advertise in this magazine, please contact
Richard White (Sales Project Manager) at +27 21 469 2542

or email [email protected]
To advertise in the khlassifieds section, please contact
Steve Norval (khlassifieds Project Manager) at +27 21 469 2435

or email [email protected]

Copyright: No portion of this magazine may be reproduced in any form without written consent of the
publisher. The publisher is not responsible for unsolicited material. khuluma is published monthly by
Picasso Headline. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of Picasso Headline, kulula or the Tiso
Blackstar Group. All advertisements/advertorials and promotions have been paid for and therefore do not
carry any endorsement by the publisher. While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of its
contents, neither kulula, nor the publisher can be held responsible for any omissions or errors, or for any
misfortune, injury or damages that may arise therefrom. We reserve the right to edit interviews for

layout purposes.



T he nickname ‘my cousin’ comes from the fact that I can’t
remember names. People would ask, ‘Who is this guy?’ And I’d
say, ‘It’s my cousin.’ I’ve done that since I was eight years old.

When I moved to Joburg, I worked at The Runway Bar which was on the

East Rand – there were a lot of Lebanese people there, so when I said ‘cousin’,

everyone just assumed that I was Lebanese, too.

Anyhow, ‘my cousin’ has stuck and everybody now calls me that. Including

politicians. Once, on a flight, I bumped into Pravin Gordhan (who flies economy,

by the way), and even he called me ‘my cousin’. So, I’m happy to be called that…

Happiness isn’t something that comes easily to me. I suffer from depression

and it’s come really close to breaking me. The darkness I’ve experienced has

often been the loneliness of a hotel room or the endless hours of being alone

at airports while touring. Instead of thinking, ‘Wow, I've just been on stage

and made a thousand people scream with laughter – well done, Barry,’ I’d

go to my hotel room and tell myself how horrible my life was. I’d focus

on the darkness and think, ‘Here I am again, alone!’ Or I’d imagine

myself in the future, thinking things like, ‘What if nobody likes

me next year?’

The truth is that depressive thoughts, lack of self-belief and

low esteem have always prevented me from being happy. Even

after 35 years as a professional comedian, I’ve always had this

sense that I wasn’t good enough. It’s stuck with me all my life.

Interview: Keith Bain, Picture: Sven Kristian And it has always made me fear the future. You can see
But I’ve changed tack. Now, I think about the good year I’m having Barry Hilton in the esh at
Evita se Perron in Darling on
right now. I focus on the fact that I’ve had a flipping good innings and that 7 and 8 December, and he’ll be
I can carry on being who I am, doing what I do, for a very long time. I’ve performing at Spier Farm Kitchen on
realised that you must get bumped on your head every now and again 29 December. Look out for his shows
to realise how lucky you are. And how loved you are. at Somerset West’s Playhouse
on 1 and 2 February 2019.
Love’s the reason I don’t work New Year’s Eve, not since 2000.
When the millennium came, my children said to me, ‘Dad, please don’t
work.’ They wanted me to spend New Year with them. I’d been offered
R50 000 to work that night, but I turned it down to be with my kids. It

was a wonderful lesson they taught me – that fame and money aren’t

what it’s all about; love is. DECEMBER 2018 19

See Barry Hilton live – on us! FREE STUFF

You’ve seen him on our cover, now catch him in the Win Zapiro’s latest annual
flesh… We have a pair of tickets for one of Barry
Hilton’s stand-up comedy shows to give away. It’s We have three copies of Zapiro’s new compendium of
happening at Spier Farm Kitchen near Stellenbosch on genius-level cartoons up for grabs. It’s called Let the
29 December. The lucky winner will also get a bottle of Sunshine In and brings wit and meaning to the social and
Spier Signature Collection wine and a picnic experience political moments that have defined this rollercoaster
for two people to enjoy with the show. For a chance to year. For a chance to win, visit, hit the
win, visit, hit the competitions tab, competitions tab, and tell us who published the book. The
and tell us where Barry Hilton performed his scariest answer is on page 239.
gig ever. The answer is in the story that starts on page
118. Competition closes on 20 December. Win tickets to see Bryan Ferry

As front man for glam art rock band Roxy Music and
through a solo career that’s continued since
1973, Bryan Ferry’s voice is associated with
some mighty memorable songs, including
‘Street Life’, ‘Love is the Drug’, ‘Angel
Eyes’, ‘Jealous Guy’, ‘Avalon’, ‘A Hard Rain’s
a-Gonna Fall’ and ‘Lets Stick Together’.
He’s touching down in SA as part of his
Global Tour and will be performing at the
Grand Arena, GrandWest, Cape Town on

14 February and at Sun Arena, Time Square,
Tshwane on 16 February. We have four tickets for each show
to give away. Visit, hit the competitions
tab, and name one of his songs for a chance to win.

FREE STUFF Win a five-night stay at Umthunzi

Win a weekend at Ritsako Game Lodge We have a five-night stay at Umthunzi, a hotel in
Port Shepstone on the KZN South Coast to give away.
A provincial winner in the 2018 Lilizela Tourism Awards, The prize includes bed and breakfast for two people in the
Ritsako is a four-star luxury game lodge with all the bells and honeymoon suite and is valid during the off season throughout 2019. Visit
whistles. We have a weekend for two at this wonderful lodge and hit the competitions tab to enter your details for
– in the heart of the Dinokeng Game Reserve 45km north of a chance to win.
Tshwane – to give away. The weekend includes dinner, bed
and breakfast for two nights, plus game drives, a picnic lunch Win nose protection
and a couple’s spa treatment. To win, visit khululmaonline., hit the competitions That’s right! Bionase Non-drip Nasal Gel will protect your
tab, and answer this nasal cavities against bacteria and germs – especially
question: Where is Ritsako useful when you are travelling and a godsend in an
Game Lodge situated? airplane. Non-addictive and alcohol-free, the gel is
Entries close on a useful first line of defence against airborne intruders.
10 January 2019. For a chance to win a sample of the nasal gel, visit and
like either the Bionase Facebook page or their Instagram
account – then email [email protected] and
mention where you are going on holiday.

Win a shellfish shopping voucher

Blue Ocean Mussels delivers live mussels and oysters to your door – freshly plucked from the pristine,

unpolluted, nutrient-rich, icy-cold waters of Saldanha Bay. For a chance to win one of five, 5kg box mussels
simply sign up for their newsletter at, then fill in your details on the competitions page
at and tell us where Blue Ocean Mussels grows its mussels and oysters.



Tsogo Sun is the leading hotels, gaming and
entertainment company in South Africa,

providing a variety of hospitality, entertainment
and leisure experiences. Combining an
established heritage with an energised
approach, the group proudly includes
14 casinos and over 100 hotels in Africa
and Seychelles.

If you are looking for a holiday in a great
location, Tsogo Sun has the perfect getaway
for you. Our association with Kulula allows you
to travel throughout South Africa to the widest
selection of hotels. Our joint holiday packages
include accommodation for two adults, two

kids under 18 sharing a room, plus free
breakfast included.

Dear customers:
check in now closes 45 minutes

ahead of your flight!

Choose your favourite Protea Hotel by
Marriot® or Tsogo Sun Hotel and let kulula
book your room. Now that’s luxury you
can afford.

We are cashless! Silence your hunger and
thirst craving on one of our green machines
paying for those snacks by “zipping and
zapping” using your credit or debit card.



Share your holiday pics with us
using the hashtag #kululaDecember
and we may just surprise you with a
special kulula goodie bag…!

20 MAY 2018


Bah! Humbug!
In a deliciously modern retelling of a genuine seasonal classic,
Tom Eaton resuscitates and updates the ghosts of past, present

and future, revealing the true spirits of the holidays DECEMBER 2018 29


' M arley was dead: to begin to go to hell, but you already live there.’ CtohhnNraIhiefnseatttsdtphhmeereieradan-ormpSesgm,lcwaEieroteabraewswennads
with.’ No. He couldn’t send that. Not because
What a stupid first nephew Clinton and the orclings didn’t
sentence, thought Eben. He closed the deserve it, but because it would cause
book and looked at the front cover. A drama. And if there was one thing Eben
Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. So hated more than people and Christmas,
much for the classics. it was drama. He deleted his message,
replacing it with, ‘Can’t come. Hi to family.’
He set aside the novel, disappointed.
He’d wanted to read a whole book over The intercom buzzed. ‘Go away!’ he
December, to prove to himself that he yelled. But they never went away. They
could still read books and not just the always just kept buzzing and buzzing. He
headlines on Facebook, but if this was drew his dressing gown tightly around
anything to go by then maybe literature himself and shuffled to the front door.
could go to hell. In fact, he decided, he
would post a status update about it on ‘Go away!’ he yelled into the intercom.
Facebook, right now. ‘Sir, I know it’s late, but it’s Christmas.’
‘Bah! Hambug!’
A message was waiting for him. ‘Hello Everyone always wanted something,
Uncle Eben!’ He groaned: his idiot nephew, thought Eben as he settled into his recliner
husband to a cretin, father of three dead- and thumbed the remote. Clinton probably
eyed orcs. ‘I know it’s short notice but just wanted to ask to borrow money. Why
we’d love you to come to lunch at else would anyone invite you to lunch with
ours tomorrow.’ less than 24 hours notice? Well they

Eben snorted. Not bloody likely. could all rot.
Being fed dry turkey while He shut his eyes,
being expected to
applaud the gurning imagining Clinton
of urchins might be breaking it to the family
domestic bliss for that Rich Uncle Eben wasn’t
some people, but Eben coughing up; the cretin wringing her
Neser-Screw wasn’t some people. No sir. hands; the orcletts bawling…
Children should be seen and not heard, Eben startled awake. There was a boy
and then only behind very thick glass. standing in front of him. The boy had
Like in the airlock of a space ship. With a sunscreen on his nose and was slurping on
red alarm light flashing and less than 10 a melting ice-lolly.
seconds on the countdown. ‘I,’ said the child, ‘am the Ghost of
Christmas Past.’
Actually, now that Eben thought about ‘The hell you are!’ blurted Eben. ‘I’m
it, it wasn’t just children who needed to be calling ADT and they are going to Taser
sucked into space. It was everyone. Every the heck out of you!’
fool dressed as Santa Claus. Every fake- But before Eben could lunge
smiled, do-gooding, bleeding heart shilling for the panic button,
for some so-called charity. And especially the child had lightly
all these families everyone seemed to touched him on the
have these days. Suck ’em all out into nose with the ice-lolly
space, thought Eben Neser-Screw. and the lounge had
disappeared; and now
‘Dear nephew,’ he typed. ‘I would tell you

30 DECEMBER 2018


they were standing side by side sweaty apparition in a two- at an open grave, watching a coffin being
on warm bricks, near water, tone khaki shirt, shorts and lowered slowly out of sight.
in sunshine, in a time Eben ghostly, ghastly Crocs.
thought he could faintly still ‘Who are you supposed There was someone next to him – no,
remember. to be?’ asked Eben. not someone. Some thing: a skeletal
‘I’m the Ghost of Christmas figure, shrouded in rags. As Eben stared,
‘What is this?’ roared it raised its bony arm and pointed at
Eben. Presents.’ the coffin.
‘Isn’t it Christmas Present?’
‘This is when Christmas ‘Listen, china,’ said the clearly Eben was overcome by icy dread. ‘Wait!’
was good,’ said the Ghost. he cried. ‘Wait! Who is in the coffin?’
harassed ghost. ‘Look around. Do
‘Christmas was never good!’ you see anyone buying just one present?’ The figure pulled back its hood,
scowled Eben. revealing itself as a girl of about 15. ‘Chill,’
‘No, I meant…’ began Eben, but the she said. ‘We haven’t buried people for
‘No, it was,’ said the Ghost. ‘And it Ghost was already dragging him onwards years. Waste of good protein.’
was good because you didn’t have to do past forests of tinsel and mountains of
anything to make it happen. You didn’t canned meat, through a cacophony of ‘So, what’s in the coffin?’ he whispered.
have to cook or shop or drive around. When electronic sleigh bells. She looked sombre. ‘The last physical
you were little, Christmas was magic iPhone in the world.’
because it just happened, and it was the ‘What are we looking for?’ asked Eben. Eben looked around desperately but
best magic because it all happened just ‘Ag, you know,’ sighed the ghost, wiping could see nothing beyond the gloomy
for you.’ a trickle of hot plasma off his forehead. ‘ graveyard. ‘What year is this?’ he asked.
A sense that we’re not alone. The ‘82AB.’
‘Piffle and poppycock!’ yelled Eben. normal stuff.’ ‘AB?’
‘You think you hate Christmas because ‘After Beyoncé.’
of what it is,’ said the Ghost. ‘But you hate ‘No, I mean, what are we looking ‘What happened to all the iPhones?’
it because of what it was, and what it no for specifically?’ The Ghost of Christmas Future – for
longer is. It has disappointed you.’ it was she – stuck a finger up her nose.
‘I’ll show you disappointment, you ‘Oh, right,’ said the Ghost. ‘Plastic snow, There was a soft click. ‘Siri,’ she said, ‘tell
precocious little drol!’ shouted Eben, but good quality plastic so it won’t melt this guy what happened to all the iPhones
reaching for an ashtray to throw; but in when we staple it to the roof later. Also after the mandatory chipping.’
an instant the boy was gone, and Eben batteries for the Battle Squad Barbarian ‘I don’t want to know!’ yelled Eben.
was in a garishly lit, deafeningly loud Evisceration action figure for my boy and ‘What day is this?’
supermarket, chained to a despondent, Rudi the Radioactive Revenge-Reindeer for ‘The twelvety-fourth of Bieber.’
my girl.’ ‘In real words!’ he cried.
‘In… the old language!
‘This is horrible!’ cried Eben. Pretend I’m someone
‘Yes, it is, my cousin,’ sighed the Ghost. from ancient
‘Yes, it is.’ times!’
In an instant the noise was gone,
and Eben stood in a dim, drizzle-damp
graveyard. Three soggy mourners stood

pictures: xxxxxxx awWnahdsemintayagloiulcwhbaeeprcepaleuinsteetdlietj,ujCushsttrfihosratmyppoauesned, DECEMBER 2018 31


‘Siri,’ said the Ghost. ‘What is the itaIsfCshsytdruooieprusytetbamronieflaalshsit,ueoipvrsaeel empathise,’ she
twelvety-fourth of Bieber in old language?’ said. ‘Some things
just can’t be Illustration: Patrick Latimer
A small voice inside her left nostril said, unseen.’
‘December 24th. Also known as Christmas
Eve before the Great Beliebering of 32AB.’ ‘Bah!’ he
spat; and then he
‘Don’t you have Christmas anymore?’ stormed back into
asked Eben. his house, bolted the door, set the lawn
lasers to maximum kill, poured himself
‘Sure,’ said the Ghost. ‘A bunch of a triple, and had the same Christmas he
people have selected it from the Leader had every year: hunched in his chair, poring
as their Bespoke Holiday Lifestyle
Sub-Category. They buy each other over the hoard of small injustices he
Sim-pathy downloads. It’s pretty had collected over his many long
special.’ She saw Eben’s bewildered years; alone.
expression and stuck her finger up her Because, of course, stories
nose again. ‘Siri?’
don’t always change people for the
‘Sim-pathy,’ said the voice, ‘is a range better. Sometimes they even change
of software packages downloaded from us subtly for the worse.
Amazon Cerebral Celebrations directly A keenly anticipated holiday read can
into the brain chip, simulating human turn out to be as dusty as the shelf on
emotions for up to 15 seconds.’ which it has stood for years. The stories
we tell ourselves about the ‘festive’ season
‘It’s really nice,’ said the Ghost. ‘The can be downright debilitating, like the
Christmas package makes you feel all the ‘Holidays Are Fun!’ myth that leaves our
classic Christmassy feelings. Stress. Rage. nerves shredded, or the ‘Better to Give
Anxiety. Loneliness. Really old school.’ Than to Receive!’ tale that drives us into
glittering temples to cynical consumerism.
‘But why would anyone want to feel all Luckily, however, there’s another story
those things?’ cried Eben. that offers some respite from all the noise
and acrimony.
She shrugged. ‘It’s a lot better than If you believe its supernatural details,
feeling what everyone feels now.’ Christmas is a story of hope. If you don’t, it
remains a gentle tale of two people – poor,
‘Which is what?’ asked Eben. alone and tired – in a new town, searching
‘Nothing,’ said the Ghost. ‘Nothing at all.’ for somewhere to sleep. Either way, that
The coffin disappeared into the grave. starlit stable in ancient Palestine is where
The last physical iPhone was gone. all of this season’s stories began; in a place
Dawn broke, and Eben Neser-Screw of tired, vulnerable humanity.
awoke a changed man. Whichever stories you love; whichever
The hermit was no more. In his place stories you tell; I hope that the quiet and
was a man striding – no, running! – out into gentle hope of that ancient tale will linger
the street, a prophet bearing vital news. through the noise and heat of this season;
Wearing nothing but his underpants. and that the stillness of that silent night
‘They put drugs in my tap water!’ he brings you peace.
screamed, wild-eyed and panting. ‘The
bastards dosed me! Lord, the horrible
things I’ve seen!’

His neighbour, Cheryl, looked
at him in his Y-fronts. ‘I can

32 DECEMBER 2018



get out &

Words: Keith Bain, Picture: Supplied Nubian spirit

There’s no shortage of music festivals to get the juices flowing and hips swinging this summer. If you’re looking for locally distilled
class acts, consider getting yourself on the dancefloor in front of the stage at the Nubian Music Festival at Hartbeespoort Dam’s
Eagle Waters Wildlife Resort in the North West Province. On the bill are Theo Kgosinkwe and Nhlanhla Nciza, the legendary duo
known to us as Mafikizolo. Stalwarts of the South African cultural landscape, their sound interweaves Afropop with marabi and
kwela to produce songs that have swiftly become classics. Other superlative music-makers performing on 16 December include

neo-soul diva Lira, Zimbabwean superstar Oliver Mtukudzi, Nigeria’s Kunle Ayo and Latin-infused soul group Mi Casa. Beyond
the music, there are wildlife and adventure activities from 14 to 17 December – there’s space for camping and glamping or you
can check into a chalet, with lots to keep you busy. And if you’re wondering where else to party this summer, turn to page 156.,, DECEMBER 2018 37



Get out & about

1 Not to be confused with DECEMBER 2018 39
Alcatraz, Alcazar is – in this case – not
a Swedish nu-disco group, nor a Moorish
castle. It’s the mother of all New Year’s
parties, in the Mother City, brought to
you by Bazique Festival and Wolfkop
Weekender, and featuring Floyd Lavine. With
one foot in Berlin and one in the motherland,
Lavine is one of SA’s leading dance music
protagonists, and will be joined by the likes of
Dean Fuel and Toby 2 Shoes for 12 hours of
non-stop music on two stages. Get out your fez
or whip up a Princess Jasmine costume – the
theme is Arabian Nights. Do it right, and you
could have 1 001 tales to tell from just
this one night.


2 Goldfishies can look forward to too… such as how to stay woke after 40. 2 4
another summer season powered by Baxter Concert Hall, Cape Town, 18 3
Dominic Peters and David Poole. Just December–12 January, 5
back from their sold-out tour in Europe 7 6
and the US, they’re returning to home 6 If you’re among the throngs of 8
shores with all your housey, jazzy travellers that pack out the Garden Route
Goldfish favourites as part of the seventh every December, you’ll probably know
edition of Goldfish Submerged at Cape that the Get Lucky Summer NYE Party
Town’s Shimmy Beach Club, with various is the place to dance in the New Year. Kyle
dates between 9 December and Watson’s sweeping house melodies will
4 January. pulsate across the Robberg Rugby Club
lawns, alongside other class acts
3 The tenth anniversary of East including Freshlyground, Goodluck and
London’s Buyel’Ekhaya Pan-African Rubber Duc. 31 December;
Festival features kwaito queen Busiswa,
as well as five-time Grammy winners
Ladysmith Black Mombazo, plus Jonas 7 In the little Cape hamlet of McGregor,
Gwangwa, Zahara and Shekhinah. internationally acclaimed artist Solly
A fashion workshop, and a fashion show Smook exhibits at La Galleria from
at the Hemingways Mall, are also 1 December till 27 January. Works such
included in the programme of song, dance as this, from his thought-provoking
and workshops that celebrates all things ‘Sanctus’ project, reconsider the
African. Buffalo Park Cricket Stadium, conventions of portrait painting, while
16 December, playing with dogma as subject matter. If
you’re after other geeky cultural stuff to
4 It’s all about Surf City’s summer do while the sun-worshippers are at the
festival, which this year features Jack beach, turn to page 146.,
Parow – the man who made the extra-
length cap famous – on Boxing Day. Also
to be seen and heard are Jeremy Loops, 8 One of the greatest performers of all
PHFat, Theuns Jordaan, Bok van Blerk, time, Freddie Mercury, is back by popular
Chunda Munki and – on New Year’s Eve demand. Well, almost… it’s actually his
– Die Heuwels Fantasties. J-Bay Rocks look-alike, sing-alike Giles Taylor who will
takes place at The Jolly Dolphin, where be rocking the adoring crowd with Queen:
2 000 revellers will be rocking out as they It’s a Kinda Magic, a tribute show at
see out the year. 21–31 December, Emperors Palace. Oil up your vocal chords to sing along to ‘We are the
Champions’, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and
5 Dry White sees funny-man Nik ‘Fat-Bottomed Girls’. If you’re not in
Rabinowitz revisiting the thrills and spills Joburg – or, really, even if you are – you
of the buckets-in-shower, spying-on-your- won’t want to miss Bohemian Rhapsody
neighbour’s-garden, will-we-have-to- featuring Rami Malek as Mr Mercury on
queue-for-it Cape Town water crisis. Now the big screen. It’s in cinemas now. Both
that the panic is on hold, Rabinowitz will will, well, rock you! Until 31 December,
be forced to discuss some other stuff

40 DECEMBER 2018


9 Love it or hate it, Christmas without Rockwood Sibaya on 19 December and 9 11
Boney M is just not Christmas. The lovers make their way down the Garden Route to 12
are in luck this year: Boney M, featuring the Cape Town, via San Lameer (with Karen 10
band’s original lead singer, Liz Mitchell, Zoid), Stilbaai, Mossel Bay, J-Bay and 15
appears on their third visit to South Africa Chinsta. Going strong after 20 years, the 13
at Kirstenbosch (Cape Town) on 23 band will be performing a number of their 14
December and the Sun Arena (Pretoria) on original hit songs along with newbies from
24 December. Chart toppers from the their latest album China.
1970s and 1980s – think ‘Rivers of Babylon’
and ‘Mary’s Boy Child/Oh My Lord’ – are, of 13 This year, Kinky Summer ‘Goes to Sea’
course, on the bill., for a New Year’s bash that’s sure to cause a splash. Surrounded by the breathtaking
beauty of Franschhoek, the Le Paris Estate
10 Monike Cristina dons some tattered will welcome a host of local and
threads, and then a tutu and glass slipper, international acts on six stages, from UK DJ
as the principal dancer in the Joburg Max Chapman to Germany’s Till Von Sein
Ballet’s Cinderella on stage at The Teatro and Dirty Doering. Feastival food court and
at Montecasino from 14 to 23 December. premium camping options, too.
The beloved rags-to-riches story, coupled 31 December,
with Johan Strauss’s classical ballet score
and choreography by Iain MacDonald will 14 The award-winning Jabulani Hadebe,
have the whole family pirouetting with better known by his stage name Sjava,
delight. If you prefer your Cinders with headlines the Sodwana Bay Bushfest –
a heap of ho-ho-hos rather than pointed a house and local dance music
toes, check out the panto version in Durban extravaganza that brings together South
(see page 49 for details). Africans to celebrate music, December, and
the Zululand bush. Sho Madjozi (read more
11 Chad Hanekom – brave and brutal about her on page 58), Tipcee, Zola,
– returns home to South Africa after Professor, and house DJ Mobi Dixon are all
numerous mixed martial arts wins on the bill. The theme is
internationally. SBG fighter Frans Mlambo #TakeBackThe2Tone, so don a Zulu-
will be there as well, and they’ll be up flavoured two-tone outfit. 15 December,
against some of the biggest MMA names in
Africa and internationally for the Brave
Combat Week Africa, hosted at the 15 After six award-winning albums with
Superbowl at Sun City by Bahrain’s Brave Bongo Maffin, Thandiswa Mazwai
Combat Fedaration. Pick your favourite launched a solo career and swiftly became
fighters but just don’t pick any fights. 2-8 one of South Africa’s most influential
December; musicians. Catch her at Pretoria’s State
Theatre this month and you’ll understand
12 Touring their new album, and just back why she’s been awarded a Kora Award for
from a stint in Europe and the UK, The Best African Female Artist and four South
Parlotones play all along the East Coast African Music Awards, among others.
this month. They start at Durban’s 7 December, DECEMBER 2018 43


16 Nine years later, the King of Pop is alive local craft distilleries. Having its moment as 16 17
and well and living in the USA. Or, perhaps, ‘the new gin’, rum will take pride of place in 19
those who report this phenomenon are cocktails, while rum eateries and street food
simply confused after seeing a performance favourites will dish up edible delights dreamt
by South Africa’s very own Michael Jackson up especially for the festival and DJs and live
impersonator, Dantanio. The Michael acts will ‘d-rum’ up some enthusiastic
Jackson History Show brings all the MJ dancing. Old Biscuit Mill, Woodstock,
classics to singing, dancing, moonwalking life 17 December,
at Durban’s iZulu Theatre, Sibaya
(14 December–6 January), then Joburg’s 20 Grammy-nominated comedian, actor, 18
Carnival City on 11 January and Cape Town’s writer and producer Jim Gaffigan, who’s
Artscape on 17 January. Hands-down also produced two New York Times
a thriller, it’ll rock your world, with, er, the bestsellers, is currently touring the world
way it makes you feel! with his Fixer Upper Tour. Like our cover star,
Barry Hilton, he’s among the world’s best
17 Nifty footwork and plenty more ‘clean comics’ (that’s right, no F-bombs on
energetic moves will be on display at the stage), and he’s bringing his one-of-a-kind
ATKV rieldans competition. The oldest humour and dad jokes – as in, jokes about
dance form in Southern Africa, the fatherhood, not the cheesy kind – to Joburg’s
celebratory rieldans – a name it was given Barnyard Theatre Rivonia on 28 December
later in accordance with Scotland’s ‘reel’ – and the CTICC in Cape Town on 5 January.
was performed around the campfire by the
Khoisan following a good crop or successful
hunting expedition. Kept alive by the working 21 At the age of five years and 38 days, 22 20
classes particularly between the 1940 and South Africa’s DJ Arch Junior (Oratilwe AJ 21
1950s, the tradition kicks up some dust at Hlongwane) broke the world record for the
the Afrikaans Taalmonument Amphitheatre youngest club DJ ever – by which time he’d
on 8 December. already appeared on SA’s Got Talent at the
tender age of three. Now aged six and a half,
18 Proceeds from this year’s Festive Trail he will be the main attraction at the
of Lights at the Durban Botanic Gardens will Fame$tival at President Park in Harrismith
go towards the upkeep of the gardens – on 31 December, DJing to a crowd of 10 000
which is no small task. Take a feel-good people. Ah, remember the days when kids
stroll through the beautifully lit tree-lined could be kids…
paths, meet forest fairies or Santa and his
elves, and enjoy cupcake decorating plus live 22 While the bubbles flow abundantly at
music daily. All that wandering worked up an this time of year for the grownups, the whole
appetite or thirst? Head for the food garden. family will be enthralled by the bubbles
14–30 December,, conjured up by Fan Yang and his family. Born in Vietnam, the Canadian bubble scientist
holds numerous world records for his
19 While some of the most iconic complex displays of bubble theatre. His
Caribbean rum houses will be in attendance, spellbinding Billions Bubble Show comes to
the stars of Cape Town’s Pan African Rum Pretoria’s Sun Arena from 20 December till
Festival will be South Africa’s pioneering 7 January.

44 DECEMBER 2018


23 23 Fresh from Britain’s prestigious Live at rose to fame as part of The Fugees, will Words: Nicci Collier, Pictures: Tyrone Bradley/Red Bull Content Pool, Lauge Sorensen, Jonathan Ferreira, Greg Ewing, Daniel Leinweber/Razberry Photography,
24 the Apollo, Loyiso Gola brings his comic perform her hit singles including Andre Badenhorst, Al Nicoll, Tobias Coetsee
genius to the Suncoast’s new The Globe in ‘Everything is Everything’ and ‘Doo Wop
25 Durban on 15 December and Cape Town’s (That Thing)’, along with special guest Nas,
26 CTICC on 22 December. His new show, at Joburg’s Ticketpro Dome on 2 February.
Unlearning, delves into ‘a process of
27 28 attempting to “unlearn” some thoughts
and preconceptions about relationships, 27 Bollywood star Krishna Kumar
29 masculinity, race’ and more. Kunnath or KK, as he is better known, has been wooing audiences with his soulful
brand of Indipop for over two decades.
24 Jeremy Loops first picked up a guitar Fans of the Delhi-born playback singer can
in his final years of college and then spent watch him live in South Africa for the first
two years working on a yacht, adopting time this December, on the 8th at The
a loop pedal to substitute for the lack of Globe, Suncoast Casino in Durban and 9th
other musos at sea. Catch him at the at Montecasino’s Teatro in Joburg.
Inverroche Summer Concerts in Stilbaai
on 18 December. The concerts, starting on
17 December with Prime Circle and 28 After nearly four decades, two
Wonderboom, also showcase the talents veterans of South African theatre will
of Watershed, Matthew Mole, again share the stage in the production
Freshlyground and many more. they made famous worldwide. Mbongeni
17 December–4 January, Ngema and Percy Mtwa appear together
once more in the acclaimed political satire,
25 Trying not to panic at the thought of Woza Albert. Set at the height of the
last-minute gifts? If you’re in Joburg, you apartheid era, the play asks what would
can turn to page 167 for the low-down on happen if Christ returned to South Africa?
the best shopping spots. Durbanites can The Playhouse, Durban, 6–30 December,
head to I Heart Market on the lawns at
Moses Mabhida Stadium. Local creatives
are always out in force and this month, 29 Once there was a boy named Tim
since the market celebrates its first whom no one believed, even when he was
decade on 1 December, organisers are telling the truth. No one believed that it
hosting a special raffle to support HOLAH, was a ninja who snaffled the last slice of
a haven for orphaned and abandoned cake; or that a giant squid ate his
children. 1, 8, 15 and 22 December, homework; or that it really was a
5 January, time-travelling monkey who was throwing
pencils at Grampa. Alex Latimer’s The Boy
26 ‘Ready or Not’, now is the time to book Who Cried Ninja makes its theatrical
if you want to witness Lauryn Hill live in debut this December at Theatre on the
concert as part of her The Miseducation Square in Joburg. If you’re aged four to 10,
of Lauryn Hill 20th Anniversary Tour. you’ll love it. 4–22 December,
The five-time Grammy Award winner, who

46 DECEMBER 2018

Click to View FlipBook Version