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Published by tasch, 2018-11-29 07:31:08

Khuluma December 2018

Keywords: Travel,Travel magazine,online magazine,Khuluma,Khuluma magazine,Khuluma online magazine,Online travel magazine,Kulula,Kulula magazine

CULTURE TRIP EXPLORE

EXPLORE
Here. There. Everywhere.

Words: Keith Bain, Picture: Carol Beckwith and Angela Fisher, courtesy of THK Photography Gallery PHOTO FINISH

These Bapende stilt dancers were photographed in Gungu in the DRC in 2014. The image is
part of a massive collection of photographs taken over several decades by Carol Beckwith and
Angela Fisher. The women met in Kenya 40 years ago and have since journeyed extensively
across Africa – through 48 countries – capturing an array of rituals, rites and ceremonial
activities, many of which have since disappeared. Among several books, they produced their
defining 864-page photographic tome, African Ceremonies, in 1999, and their work has been
exhibited all around the world. Their latest exhibition is African Twilight: Vanishing Rituals and
Ceremonies and is currently showing at the THK Photography Gallery in Cape Town. Along with
astonishing photographs, it includes 10 short films. 52 Waterkant Street, until 2 February 2019,
thkphotography.com

Geeks 146 party freaks 156 and mountain peaks 182
PLUS Simon’s Town 102 KZN Midlands 111 Barry’s World 118 Mzansi’s weirdest attractions 177 The Wild Coast 191

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 101

THE BEAUTINEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH

102 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com

A WATER WONDERLAND EXPLORE

FUL SOUTH
Dive into False Bay with Simon’s Town local, Jacques Marais

Pictures: Jacques Marais

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 103

EXPLORE A WATER WONDERLAND

I t is common knowledge that metre long great white shark, just about A SIMON’S TOWN TOP 10
my wife is the brainy one in our the size of my kayak. Or, in simple terms,
relationship. Take the other day: we pretty darn big. Whether you are a mountain maniac or
were out on one of our early morning False an aqua adventurer, Simon’s Town boasts
Bay kayak missions, when she spotted I sheepishly did a quick U-turn and – the best of both worlds.
something moving in the early morning when I eventually caught up with my wife 1 View the jackasses. One thing
glare. ‘Is that a fin over there?’ she asked, gently stroking through the chop just Simon’s Town is world famous for is the
apprehensively pointing out a triangular off Miller’s Point – she did not say much. colony of African penguins at Boulders.
shape slicing through the water, maybe The near imperceptible roll of her eyes,
10 metres or so away from the boats. however, clearly translated to ‘Darwin is beautiful beach is part of the
Principle’, or something equally judgey. national park, so expect to cough up for
‘It sure looks that way,’ I muttered, trying a walk on the boardwalk to see the
to conceal my excitement as I immediately Now don’t get me wrong: it is not as if adorable birds. ere are alternative
started to paddle in the direction of the you’re going to bump into a shark every pathways and adjacent patches of beach,
fast-moving, unidentified object. time you paddle onto False Bay. In fact, though, that are free to access – you can
it is highly unlikely, and in three decades even swim close to the penguins.
It took me about 10 seconds to Incidentally, Boulders is the only beach
calculate that a 25-centimetre or so of paddling, surfing, open-water where you can escape the wind when
section of dorsal fin showing swimming and snorkelling, this the Southeaster is pumping.
above the water probably sighting was the second such chance sanparks.org
extrapolates to a five-and-a-half encounter. And chances of meeting 2 Take to the sea. e Simon’s Town
Boat Company runs regular tours from
these big guys in grey suits are the Simon’s Town Waterfront pier, with
options of high-speed, rigid in atable
trips to either Cape Point or Seal Island.
Penguin and seal encounters are
guaranteed, with excellent chances of
spotting dolphins, sun sh, orcas, whales
and heaps of other sea creatures.
boatcompany.co.za
3 Get into a kayak. Most people
think you need to be an expert if you’re
keen to paddle on the ocean… It’s not
true at all. Good sea kayaks ensure a
stable open-water feel, and you don’t
even need any experience if you plan to
explore with a quali ed guide. Kayak
Cape Town o ers daily group outings
from the quaint Waterfront, and for a
few hours it will just be you and the
penguins, seals – and if you are lucky
– a sun sh, schools of dolphins, and
even a whale or two.
kayakcapetown.co.za

104 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com





A WATER WONDERLAND EXPLORE

Good sea kayaks ensure a stable open-water
feel - with a good guide, you don’t even
need any experience

getting slimmer all the time, if the latest If you really think about it though, taking around the globe on paddling
statistics are anything to go by… on the traffic along Ou Kaapse Weg is trips from our base at the
way more dangerous. Plus, the beauty Simon’s Town Waterfront, and
Nevertheless, according to Alison Kock of the aquatic playground surrounding I paddle a good 200 days out
of the Save Our Seas Foundation, there is Simon’s Town is that the coastline boasts of every year,’ he says. ‘Our
a high spatial overlap between humans any number of safe adventure options. only encounter with a great white
and great whites in False Bay, especially Boulders and Windmill beaches allow easy has been off the harbour wall and that was
during warmer summer months. Seasonal access to enclosed rock pools, a fleeting sighting… In fact, chances are it
distribution and natural opportunistic where my kids have snorkelled since may have just been a giant sunfish.’
predatory tactics increase the potential for they could walk, and the underwater
human-and-shark conflict. ‘This results in life here is spectacular. Other marine sightings are a dime
the challenge of conserving a threatened a dozen, though. One of my favourite
and protected apex predator in conflict Local guide, Derek Goldman of Kayak activities when out kayaking is to take
with humans,’ she explains. Cape Town, agrees. ‘I’ve taken clients from my snorkelling gear and then dive into

4 Paddle a SUP. Those who stand tall 5 Blow bubbles. A good 98% of False 6 Must-ride MTB. There is a range of
on these inflatable paddleboards find Bay action awaits only once you’ve dipped top routes close to Simon’s Town to ride,
they’re ideal for exploring False Bay. under the ocean surface, and scuba diving generally best in winter when the sand is
Experienced suppers might tackle the sea should therefore undoubtedly be at the top firm. Crank the steep ascent up Red Hill
solo on a strenuous down-wind paddle, or of your to-do-list. Become a veritable and then turn towards Kleinplaas Dam for
you could instead head out on a leisurely Jacques Cousteau with Pisces Divers to a fynbos Jeep-track jol; 10 kilometres in,
coastal adventure with local operators Surf discover this underwater wonderland. you’ll T-bone with the Black Hill tar road.
Shack. Their outings take in the scenic They also offer snorkelling adventures with Otherwise, explore quiet Cape Point roads
Peninsula shoreline and, because you’re seals (or you could just go and snorkel solo in the reserve; get there as they open to
standing high on a stable board, you’ll off any of the secluded Peninsula beaches miss the traffic, and trip past Olifantsbos,
have a far greater chance of spotting all – two favourites are Windmill and Gifkommetjie, Platboom and the other
those elusive sea creatures. surfshack.biz Boulders). piscesdivers.co.za secluded bays. mtbroutes.co.za

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 107

EXPLORE A WATER WONDERLAND

the big blue to play with inquisitive Cape 7 Mutts and wrecks. ere are three A SANParks permit is required for this Pictures: Derek Goldman/Cape Town Kayaks, michaeljung/shutterstock.com, Neil Bradfield/shutterstock.com,
fur seals off some of the shallow reefs must-do family hikes near Simon’s Town. route. cape-hike.co.za Sergey Uryadnikov/shutterstock.com
deeper into the bay. The seals act like a Admiral’s Waterfall is a quick 15-minute 9 Get to the Point. Cape Point remains
cross between playful pups and mercurial wander from the top of Barnard Street and one of the biggest attractions here on the
mermaids as they glide through the o ers superb views across the bay. You edge of the ‘Lentil Curtain’. e reserve is
ocean in an impetuous underwater ballet could also tackle the 500-plus steps to the a haven for hikers, bird watchers and the
performance, darting in close to chase grave of Just Nuisance – Simon’s Town’s usual outdoor brigade. For those who
bubbles escaping from your snorkel. famous ‘Navy Mutt’ – atop the hill. My cannot walk long distances, there are easily
favourite, served up with a side of fresh accessible viewpoints, plus historical sites
Encounters this close may not be ocean breeze, is the ‘ omas T Tucker’ commemorating both the early
everyone’s cup of tea, though. For those shipwreck hike, starting at Olifantsbos Portuguese explorers, as well as the Khoi
who prefer to experience the ocean from and all along the beach for a couple of San settlers. It is a fascinating outing,
a more secure platform, my mate Dave kilometres to where you will see the actual especially in the company of a good guide,
Hurwitz who runs Simon’s Town Boat wreck. simonstown.com like author David Bristow.
Charters is the man to call. He’s a right old davidbristow.co.za
sea dog with an encyclopaedic knowledge 8 Run the Peninsula spine. is 10 Crank it. Cyclists can start in Simon’s
of the ocean. rough-and-tough route is not everyone’s Town and ascend up the Smitswinkel
cup of tea, but rates as my favourite climb (there’s a compulsory sel e stop at
‘We often sight massive schools of running (or trekking) route in the Cape. the top), a er which there’s a at crank to
dolphins, sunfish and – during the excellent Get ready for a kick-ass climb from above Scarborough before bearing right up Red
False Bay whale season – great pods Smitswinkel, just north of Cape Point gate. Hill. What goes up must come down, with
of southern rights,’ Dave explains as he the nal four kilometres to the ocean the
manoeuvres his high-speed rigid inflatable e rst couple of kilometres are more nearest thing to a Tour de France descent
amidst the unhurried naval traffic chugging scrambling than running, but once you you’ll nd. And then relax, with co ee and
about the harbour. top out onto the ridge line, you’ll feel as if a croissant, at Saveur Restaurant.
you’re straddling an ancient stone dragon. saveur.co.za
Dave says the past few years have seen Follow the path to Swartkop, and then
a massive increase in orca sightings, to descend back into Simon’s Town. the mountains or along the coast by
such an extent that these giant predators bike. Landlubbers with a penchant for
have had a serious impact on the number you may even be lucky enough to spot adventure and adrenaline can get their fill
of great whites in the bay. ‘Shark sightings these ‘sea pandas’ from the shore, too. of everything from mountain biking and
have plummeted,’ he says, referring to fynbos tramping to trail running and deep-
the fact that shark cage diving, which is Whale-watching isn’t all there is to down-and-dark caving.
in any case a source of some controversy do on shore, either. Simon’s Town is
hereabouts, has been affected by the great overflowing with quaint stores and cafés,
white stay-away. On the upside, having and it’s a useful base for saunters into
killer whales in the bay is a massive boon
for boat-based adventure operators. Plus,

108 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com





A BOUNDLESS COUNTRYSIDE EXPLORE

COUNTRY BUMPKIN

Midlands Massive
Clifford Roberts dips into a few unexpected pockets of
KwaZulu-Natal’s misty Midlands

H obbit country. That’s how you might remember the KwaZulu-Natal interior – especially if your perceptions were
formed in winter, when a mysterious cloudlike veil often hangs in the cold air. Depending on who you talk to, the region
popularly referred to as the Midlands can be a bit of a shape-shifter. Along the bush-shrouded roads that wind through
the foothills, there prevails an ominous atmosphere of strange shapes and hidden figures often cloaked in mist.

And poking out along the horizon, the spires of mountain ridges, reaching for the heavens. Once, they were confused with
dragons, if the settlers who named the Drakensberg are to be believed.

For first time visitors to this atmospheric part of the province, a good place to start is the Midlands Meander
(midlandsmeander.co.za); it’s a membership organisation that promotes over 150 art-and-crafts enterprises, activities,
restaurants and lodging providers on a network of routes. You will never ever run out of things to do…

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 111

Far-reaching INSIDER TIPS
views across the
countryside at Brahman Sollie Bester, GM at Brahman Hills hotel
Hills, and (below) and self-catering cottages in Nottingham
Brahman cattle- Road, shares his insider opinions
inspired artworks on Blueberry Café near Nottingham Road
is my favourite spot for sundowners; the
the inside views are spectacular. For a sel e, you
must visit the Nelson Mandela Capture
STAY AWHILE Site, where you can pose with a unique
and hugely signi cant sculpture.
e Midlands are synonymous I recommend a freshly squeezed juice at
with warm hosts, cosy beds and
delicious meals. Old favourites e Midlands Kitchen, an ale from the
include Granny Mouse Country brewery at Netherwood Farm, and, for
House & Spa (grannymouse.co.za) a ca eine x, cappuccino at Steampunk
in Balgowan; Fordoun Hotel & Co ee (take your own re-usable cup).
Spa (fordoun.com) in Nottingham Buy enamel crockery at Ismail Wholesale
Road; and Hartford House House; honey from Peel’s near Howick;
(hartford.co.za) on the Summerhill and all sorts of things from the stores
Stud farm near Mooi River. ey at the Piggly Wiggly country shopping
all enjoy exquisite countryside centre. Fitness freaks can do the Saturday
locations. And, at Brahman Hills morning Park Run through the Blue
(brahmanhills.co.za) on the Curry’s Crane Nature Reserve (or walk it any day
Post Road in Mount West, you of the week).
may well be lucky enough to have
your cottage visited by wild buck in kulula.com
the morning and evening.

112 DECEMBER 2018

A BOUNDLESS COUNTRYSIDE EXPLORE

From top down: MOVE OVER CANE, IT'S
Food and wine at WINE TIME!
Abingdon; Drakensberg
Brewery is a popular Wine in KZN? True story!
refuelling point; Sandra Wine has never been a major crop in
Lemmer’s reassembled
these parts, despite being attempted by a
country store few over the centuries. Cape drinks legend
museum. Dave Hughes tells me he once came
across the writings of a monk who tried to
kulula.com grow grapes in the province in the 1800s.
The wine would be for communion, but
the monk’s letters later revealed, once
the fruits of harvest had been tasted,
that communion should henceforth
be wine-less.

Those were different times and the
science of wine and viticulture has moved
on, but it remains a difficult undertaking
not least of all because of the sub-
tropical climate.

Regulars to the Midlands will know
about Abingdon (abingdonestate.co.za),
a pioneering single vineyard wine estate
that’s been growing grapes since 2004.
Now there are two more brave hearts
added to the ranks of the KZN wine scene.
Highgate (highgatewineestate.co.za) at
the Piggly Wiggly complex has a new
cellar that took in its first harvest this year
and is adjoined by a new Italian restaurant
too. Cathedral Peak Wine Estate
(cathpeakwines.com) near Winterton has
a new winemaker and is expanding a picnic
area that looks out on a game reserve.
Abingdon, meanwhile, has enlarged its
tasting room, which gets packed in season.

OBSCURE DISCOVERIES

In Champagne Valley, in the vicinity of
Winterton, you will hopefully (somewhere
along the R600) spot a curious sign
to Sandra se Winkel (facebook.com/
sandrasewinkel) – it’s worth following.
Not long ago, Sandra Lemmer bought a
country store in Lesotho. The whole store.
She had it dismantled, structure

DECEMBER 2018 113

EXPLORE A BOUNDLESS COUNTRYSIDE

and all, and re-built on her family farm in BITS AND BITES granddaddies of craft brewing. Now, it’s
KZN. It feels remote, but when you get to a gin distillery, too, thanks to a retired
the skull-decorated telephone pole along Hobbits must eat and these hills are biology teacher who is producing Rawdons
the roadside, you’ll know you’ve arrived. alive with spots to feast and knock back Gin. He makes a London Dry and a pink
locally brewed libations. Relative newbies gin, both of which you can sample at
The shop houses her incredible two- include the Drakensberg Brewery Pig’s Rest, the venue’s dapple-shaded
building collection of general-dealer (drakbrew.co.za) in Winterton, located deck, along with platters of meat and
antiques like wooden cricket bales, tops, along the R600; and, just off the N3 at spare ribs and buckets of chips with aioli
shirts from the 1950s, trays and brands Nottingham Road, the Midlands Kitchen (food served Friday to Sunday, 11am–
you don't find anymore. Some are for sale, (themidlandskitchen.co.za). If you’re on 3pm, only).
a lot isn’t. a road trip with the family, the latter is
the place to stop. It’s not actually a single Another legend, the Jackie Cameron
Another worthy discovery is the kitchen, but 15 different ones, producing School of Food and Wine
Groundcover Leather Company everything from handmade gourmet pies (jackiecameron.co.za) in Hilton recently
(groundcover.co.za) in Curry’s Post, which at Artisan Pies to tasty South African opened a new restaurant, The School
is northwest of Howick. Producing an curries at Mr Biswa’s. There’s a vegan Outlet which serves as a testing ground
entirely artisanal range of leather-work kitchen, an organic burger specialist, and for its students. It’s a relaxed, informal
goods, the shop is housed in a corrugated an authority on chicken. Seriously, there’s venue open during the day, Wednesday to
iron building that somehow makes it feel something for everyone and big lawns for Sunday. You can also pick up beautiful
like a pioneering place. It turns out this youngsters to run around on. deli items and other useful products for
century-old building was, like Sandra’s, your kitchen
also purchased, dismantled and re- Terbodore (terbodorecoffee.co.za),
assembled at its current spot. Around a coffee shop and roastery with a Then, there’s Scrumpy Jack’s
the back of the building, there’s a bronze Great Dane as its logo, has expanded (036 468 1308), the little farm stall in
garden sculpture created by Karkloof and includes a daytime restaurant in a Cathkin Park (adjacent the Nest Hotel and
artist Peter Hall; it’s based on the story of converted barn. Although Sultan, the dog opposite the turn off for Ardmore Guest
The Elves and the Shoemaker – very cute. behind the logo, passed away recently, you Farm) that’s been a landmark (along with
will meet Great Danes Bella, Onassis and its curmudgeonly potbelly pig) for years.
A great stop for art-lovers is The Shadow instead. It’s having a new venue built down the
Platform (074 686 8826), an old road, which it hopes to occupy by the end
corrugated building at Lions River railway Nottingham Road Brewery of the year. This is the place for honey. And
station that has recently been converted (nottsbrewery.co.za) is legendary in these do try the honey cheesecake.
into a gallery-cum-gift shop. In addition parts, mainly as the home of one of the
to sculptures and paintings, there’s
woodwork and Nguni hides for sale too.

Vegan
grub at
Midlands
Kitchen’s
Artichoke

114 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com





A BOUNDLESS COUNTRYSIDE EXPLORE

Pictures: Supplied, Cameron Watson/shutterstock.com GO WILD

One great stop is Falcon Ridge Bird of Prey Centre (082 774 6398) near Winterton, a short way past the Drakensberg Boys’ Choir
School. It has been open since 1999 but has lost none of its pizzazz. Owners Greg and Alison McBey put on raptor shows daily except
Mondays and Fridays. The ‘theatre’ is a patch of lawn overlooking the Champagne Valley, while behind you looms the soaring face of
mountains. You’ll witness a peregrine falcon rise and almost disappear on the thermals, then turn, tuck its wings and dive – a magnificent
display of agility and precision as it plunges and then digs into a sharp curve, plucking a piece of meat that Alison will toss into the air just
above your head. Plus, you’ll get to see the skills and individual personalities of owls and eagles and other raptors in the centre’s care. If
you prefer to see birds in the wild, there are opportunities to witness the giant lammergeier or bearded vulture at Giant’s Castle; and there
are special vulture hides at Monks Cowl and Cathedral Peak. Or if you fancy swooping through the air yourself, you can sign up for zip
lining – through the foliage and over gorges – in Karkloof, where there’s a canopy tour (canopytour.co.za). And for more wild adventure,

there’s a Sappi single track MTB trail, and nature reserves at Kamberg, Highmoor and Giant’s Castle.

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 117

EXPLORE BARRY’S WORLD

Larger
t lhifaen

Barry Hilton has been making people laugh for 35 years and
he still has a ton of stories to share…

118 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com

BARRY’S WORLD EXPLORE

I’ve DJed once or twice -
just helping someone out -
and I hated it

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 119

EXPLORE BARRY’S WORLD

I had it tough as a youngster. say I’ve always been determined. Johnny Noble watched my first show.
Very tough. Because I was My father always reminded us that Afterwards, he said, ‘It was disgusting.’
different. I thought differently to we were tradespeople. We lived in a I was devastated, because I saw comedy
the other blokes. I never tried to be smart tradesman’s area, we drove a tradesman’s as my ticket out of my humdrum job. But
– I was just different and I made everybody car, we made friends with tradesmen. Johnny did say I had talent. He said I had
laugh. My thought pattern was different. I was basically brainwashed into believing the ability to save a joke without knowing
Much to the displeasure of adults, because that I was just going to be this humdrum what I was doing. He said I had ‘something’
they thought I was cocky and arrogant. person. And I became an electrician on the money can’t buy. And so Johnny helped
I was a very, very shy guy. It came, insistence of my father. me sort out my act – he’d direct me from
I think, from my father – he was quite I hated being an electrician. With the back of the room, using hand signals
funny himself, but I was always told to a passion, I hated it. I found solace in it while I performed. I was able to quit my job
shut up and be quiet, because ‘the adults by telling jokes to people. That started in and turn pro.
are talking’. All the time, I was being told my early 20s. I kept asking people if they I started off playing strip clubs. It was
to shush. thought I was good enough. They’d always tough. But I managed four years in this
When we lived in Colwyn Bay in Wales, say ‘nah!’ and that would destroy me. place called the Runway Bar. Cycling every
I took up swimming and within three Until one day I just said, ‘Stuff it, I’m going three months, doing 10 shows in
months I was in the swim team. I entered to do it,’ and I approached a Cape Town a week, and they kept on asking me to
a competition and I won medals in so comedian named Johnny Noble and asked come back. And then I started booking
many events – including eight golds. So, I’d him to please help me. And he did. clubs. At one club, I got only six people

MUSICIANS VERSUS COMEDIANS

ere’s a funny di erence between musicians and comics. People will go and watch a great band like Coldplay and pay
R2 000 to listen to the music they've been making for the last 12 years, but they’ll balk at the idea of paying
R300 to go and see Barry Hilton telling new jokes. ey’ll say, ‘No, I saw his show last year.’ Seriously?
Come on, my show changes all the ipping time!

When musicians are on stage, you’ll see these fans in the front row, standing up and actually
singing the song for them. And then, at some point, the lead singer will point the mic at the
audience and they sing the words. Everyone is going crazy, losing their minds because their
favourite band is in front of them. But the crowd is singing the song.

Imagine if I came on stage and said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, howzit, there were two
guys walking down the street…’ and the whole audience goes, ‘…and the one guy said
to the other guy…’. And everyone in the audience is turning to the next person,
saying, ‘I know this joke, listen to how he says it! Listen!’ And then they all mouth
the words along with me.

Musicians are okay. I like any music that has a groove. Not that heavy, loud,
screeching stu . One of my all-time favourite bands is Earth Wind & Fire – their
music is just so perfect for having a jol. And I like George Benson. But I also
like hip-hop. And I like reggae. I’ll listen to what I listen to. I’m just not the
sort of person who goes in for whatever’s new simply because it’s new. Saying
that, I love Ed Sheeran; he’s very good. And I do like Coldplay, I guess. But
I wouldn’t say I’d rush out to buy their latest album. And you won’t nd me
singing along at their concert.

120 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com





BARRY’S WORLD EXPLORE

BAREFOOT BARRY

My best holiday ever involved doing absolutely nothing. My wife Sandy and
I went to an island in Mozambique – it was quite exclusive so there were only
a handful of people on the island. I bumped into our former minister of
minerals there, though. ‘Hello,’ she said. I said, ‘Howzit.’ Trevor Manuel was
there, too. It was so cool, I was walking on the beach and there was
Trevor Manuel. He said to me, ‘Hello, my cousin!’ I said, ‘Hello,
Mr Minister.’ He said, ‘How’s your tax, Barry?’ I said, ‘It’s great.’
He said, ‘I know!’

at was wonderful. We were in the middle of
nowhere and I like islands. I enjoy the water, but
I hate swimming in cold water. I like tropical stu ,
so Mozambique is perfect. It took four ights to get
there and I had to work long and hard to pay for
the trip. But what a jol.

Interview: Keith Bain, Pictures: Sven Kristian in the audience. The following week, again, for England, but now I realise: who cares Eventually there’d be a dozen of us who’d
just six people. So they fired me. I asked for about England? I live in South Africa. go together and these guys would be
another chance and they gave me three My life has been easier because of crying with laughter. It was always off
weeks to prove myself. I got six people, Trevor Noah. You have to take your hat the cuff.
then 12, then – boom! – 180 people in off to him, because he’s done an incredible I don’t curse, I don’t do politics, and
the audience. And from then on, it was thing by opening up the world to South I don’t really do religion. I just talk about
sold out. Africa. More people around the world stuff. I keep my shows family friendly, but
For a long time, I lacked self- understand South Africa now. They my eyes tell the rude bits. There’s no need
confidence. I’d go into a room and know it’s weird, but they also know it’s to say any swear words. The rude bits are
there’d be 150 people watching and if one a beautiful place. in your brain. Still, some people say they
person wasn’t laughing it’d just destroy I’m a great observer of people. actually hear me swearing.
me. Eventually I came right. But, until When I was 14 or 15, my late brother and In my career I’ve missed five shows.
quite recently I accepted any and every I used to go to Cape Town Station and One time, I was still quite green, climbing
gig – I was so paranoid it might be my sit and watch and I would do a running the ladder, and I went to do this show. I set
last. I’d worry that I’m not good enough commentary of the people coming past. up my kit – I even had my own PA

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 123

EXPLORE BARRY’S WORLD

system – and did my whole show, but There was a stone-cold silence for scary piece of turf. But it turned out
when I went to the club owner to be paid, about 20 seconds. I thought maybe I quite wonderful.
he told me I wasn’t booked to perform was going to be killed. It was like a scene I live inside my jokes. I’m not one of
there. I was booked at the venue across from a movie. And then that same woman those guys who practices for hours and
the road. suddenly burst out laughing. Screaming hours and hours. I just can’t work like that.
Comedians are very competitive. As with laughter. ‘Yeah, son,’ she shouted, I imagine the character and then
a comedian, you’re in the front line, so if ‘you are the bollocks! You are the dog’s I become the character. I’d say 90% of all
you don’t want to beat the guy in front of bollocks!’ I only found out later that my humour is around the way my face
you, you probably shouldn’t be doing what it meant she liked me. That was a expresses what I’m saying. If I impersonate
you’re doing. a cow or giraffe, people will tell me they
I’m very much not like other could actually see the cow or the giraffe.
comedians. And I don’t spend my time That makes me quite happy, because at
socialising with other comics. I believe it’s that point, in my mind, I actually am the
one of the reasons I’m still around after so giraffe. I become the cow.
long – because I’m not being influenced by I don’t understand why South Africans
anybody. I rarely watch comedies, either. I have this ridiculous Christmas dinner with
think that’s why my style has always been turkey and roast potatoes and cabbage
so different from everybody else. Because and steaming this and that. It’s 34 degrees
if you mix with everybody, you will end up
talking like them. outside for goodness sake. Seriously? My
The scariest gig I ever did was in idea of a Christmas lunch in SA would
Bedford, England, in the late- be to have a braai and enjoy being
1980s. It was a factory worker’s with my family.
function – the roughest This Christmas I’ll be in
people I’ve ever seen in my London with my wife Sandy
life. Everyone was swearing and my youngest son, Jack.
and carrying on… Very We’re visiting my three
intimidating. I showed grown-up boys who
them no fear, but I was live there. My ideal
kakking myself. There will be to go out to
was a woman in the a pub the night
front row, she was as before for a slap-
big as a house with up meal and then
a shaved head and Christmas Day we can
a tattoo of a cut all concentrate on being
across her neck. family. So we don’t have
She was mouthing to spend all day cooking. Because
off at me more spending Christmas cooking is
than anyone, but I seriously stupid.
had to take control of I just hope it’s cold in London,
the room, so I hit back, because that makes you realise
very harshly… I said, ‘Listen, how fortunate we are to live in
I don’t want to call you names, a warm climate. And because
but the next time you have I want Jack to play in the snow.
puppies, can you send me one?’ Life is too short to wonder what it’s
like in the snow.

124 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com





WHERE CHAMPAGNE’S IN THE AIR EXPLORE

Wondering where the
biggest jol will be this
summer? Right alongside
the biggest waterfall on the
continent, where the music
and mayhem and mucking
about in the bush feels like
some marvellous bachelor’s
party. At least that’s how
Darrel Bristow-Bovey
sees it

Leapsfoafith

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 127

EXPLORE LEAP OF FAITH

The air fyeeolu’sraes breathing
though
some concentrated
'H vapour of champagne
ey, where’s Dan?’ someone
said. We looked around. We
were playing croquet on the

lawn of the hotel after breakfast and the

mist from the Falls rose behind us like

the smoke from a canyon fire. Some kind

of bird of prey was circling in the blue

Zimbabwean sky, and Pete and Skeleton

were arguing about whether it was a hawk

or an eagle, and we had turned to ask Dan

because he’s the only one of us who knows

anything about birds, but he wasn’t there.

Chunko went up to his room and

knocked on Dan’s door but he came back

and said there was no reply. This was

a puzzle.

When was the last time anyone could

remember seeing Dan? None of us could

remember. This was weird, because the

reason we were all there in Victoria Falls

was because of Dan. It was his bachelor-

party weekend, and we had all arrived

128 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com

WHERE CHAMPAGNE’S IN THE AIR EXPLORE

the afternoon before. Dan had been there the after-hours bar in Livingstone that sold couldn’t have left him in Zambia, could
when we went for the helicopter ride over beer by the bucket. But then what? we? Had we ever found the buffalo?
the Falls, and he had been there when we
had dinner and drinks at the hotel, and Was he still with us when we came We weren’t sure what to do about Dan.
then when we went to that bar in town for back across the bridge and Chunko led Maybe he was just sleeping in. Planning
those weird cocktails that claimed to be us into the bush because he was sure he a wedding is very stressful, said Skeleton
made with rum but could also have been could hear a buffalo? To be honest that sagely, although how would Skeleton
embalming fluid. part of the evening was all a little unclear. know anything about weddings? We could
Surely we hadn’t lost Dan in the bush? We look for Dan, or we could go white-water
He’d been there when we went for rafting. As we sat in the back of the
a midnight stagger across the bridge You hang on and transfer vehicle, we agreed that this is
between Zimbabwe and Zambia, with the gasp and holler through what Dan would have wanted us to do.
Falls over there and the mighty Zambezi rapids and cataracts
churning black and white below us, White-water rafting on the Zambezi is
fireflies swirling down in the gorge like a full-on experience, especially when the
embers. And he’d definitely been there water is a little low so the rocks are more
when Pete and Skeleton were arguing exposed and there is plenty of turbulence.
about whether that was Venus or some You start by scrambling down a steep,
other planet and it turned out they were tree-lined cliff side to reach the water.
looking at an aeroplane, and we were Chunko tripped and rolled down 20 metres
pretty sure he was there when we found and hurt himself, which gave all the rest
of us a good laugh, although Chunko didn’t
find it so funny.

It’s grand to be out on the water, moving
downstream slowly in the calm, deep
places, bursting into sudden action where
the river drops and shallows and sucks
away into heat and roaring. You hang on
and gasp and holler through rapids and
cataracts, you whoop with sheer delight in
the rush and noise and clamour, and then
suddenly everything is quiet and peaceful
again, and white and yellow butterflies
flutter from the bank and the cliffs loom
on either side, grey stone that turns

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 129

EXPLORE WHERE CHAMPAGNE’S IN THE AIR

If the rubber band breaks, you will cable, in a position like Superman, I
land precisely in between two countries suppose, and go floating out in the air
face-down, high above the water. I would
honey-coloured in the shafts of sunlight, Wherever you go in Vic Falls, someone is honestly rather lie down under a moving
the water green and silver and sparkling trying to persuade you to do something train than do that, I would rather swallow
around the oars. It’s exhilarating. The air from a great height. an umbrella and then try to open it, but
feels as though you’re breathing some compared with the foefie slide or the
concentrated vapour of champagne. It’s a good place for it. Once the water gorge swing, it’s an activity for 80-year-old
has tumbled down the Falls in a great grannies with dodgy hips.
Whenever we hit a rapid, everyone was seething, breathtaking thunder of ozone
expecting Chunko to be the first to fall in, and muscle, and churns about in the The foefie slide is like the Flying Fox,
but he wasn’t. The first to fall in was me, Devil’s Cauldron, scrubbing the whole but instead of the cable being horizontal,
which gave everyone else a good laugh, world clean, it funnels out through a it’s angled like you’re falling down the side
although I didn’t find it so funny. narrow gorge 45 metres wide and 125 of a pyramid. You reach speeds of 100
metres deep. 125 metres is the kind of kilometres per hour head-first towards
We stopped for lunch on a powdery height that encourages lunatics to do the opposite cliff. I don’t even want to
white sand beach downriver, and drank things with wires and swings and cables. describe the gorge swing. Your harness is
beers that the guide lodged in a rocky attached to a rope. The rope is attached to
ledge in the river to keep cool, and we There’s the Flying Fox, where you clip the middle of a cable, and you just jump off
played volleyball and Pete said, ‘Dan will yourself into a harness on a horizontal the side of the cliff and free-fall 70 metres
be sorry he missed this.’ before you even start swinging. Some
idiots get the swing-staff to throw them
Dan wasn’t in his room when we arrived off head-first. My palms grow sweaty just
back, but we figured he must have gone thinking about it. I knew there was no way
for a swim in the pool, or maybe he was I was going to be able to do any of these
doing the gorge swing by himself. I hoped things, but I also knew that when you’re on
he was doing the gorge swing, because a weekend away with a bunch of guys like
then maybe I wouldn’t have to do it. Vic Chunko and Pete and Skeleton, it’s very
Falls is great if you like adrenaline and hard to appeal to their kinder feelings.
aren’t too afraid of heights. Personally, I
am indifferent to adrenaline, and I am so ‘Shall we go see if Dan’s at the gorge
scared of heights that I don’t even like to swing?’ said Pete.
wear running shoes with cushioned soles.
‘Nah,’ I said. ‘He wouldn’t go without us.’
‘Okay,’ said Skeleton. ‘Then let’s go
check out the bungee jump.’

130 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com





WHERE CHAMPAGNE’S IN THE AIR EXPLORE

The bungee jump takes off from the counting on my chickening out so that no- ‘Too scared,’ I said, because you can tell
middle of the bridge over the river. If the one would notice when he did it. guys things like that when it’s just the two
rubber band breaks, you will land precisely of you.
in between two countries. As I trudged ‘No, I’m worried about Dan. I’ll catch up
there behind them, I was trying to think of with you guys.’ He looked at his engagement ring
an excuse. Anything would do except the thoughtfully. ‘Me too,’ he said.
truth. Those guys are mean. Skeleton is That’s the good thing about pretending
called Skeleton because when we met him to be conscientious – the other guys won’t ‘Yeah?’ I said.
he was about 20 kilograms overweight. try talk you out of it, because they’re ‘Yeah,’ he said.
He’s not even the fattest one among us grateful that it doesn’t have to be them. This is how guys talk when they’re
anymore, but everyone still jokes about opening up their hearts to each other.
how you have to get to breakfast early or I found Dan back at the hotel. He was ‘It’s easy,’ I said, ‘you just walk to the
Skeleton will eat all the pastries. sitting on the porch in the shade, looking edge and step off.’
out at the lowering sun and watching the ‘Yeah,’ he said, and smiled, and we
‘Guys,’ I said. ‘I’m going to go look small buck and the tortoises on the lawns. clinked our glasses and looked out at the
for Dan.’ He’d come down late for breakfast but had Vic Falls with its golden light and diamond
met some people who had taken him with air and the feeling that it contains all the
‘You aren’t afraid of the bungee jump, them on a cruise up the Zambezi to spot wonder and excitement of life.
are you?’ said Chunko suspiciously. I elephants and crocodiles and hippos on ‘Here’s to the beginning of a great
think he’s also afraid of heights and was the banks. adventure,’ I said.

‘You aren’t bungee jumping?’ he said.

We looked out at Vic Fa s wi its golden light and diamond air and e
f ling at it contains a e wonder and excitement of life

pictures: xxxxxxx

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 133

134 DECEMBER 2018 FALL IN FOR NEW YEAR

Ibiza, Glastonbury, Barcelona’s Secret
Garden Party… but for festival
organiser Craig Bright, who typically
spends three months back-to-back in
Europe each year partying up a storm
as part of his professional ‘research’,
there is nothing to beat Vic Falls
Carnival, the three-day New Year’s
soiree that he and his crew have been
putting together for the last few years.
Craig’s goal has been to transform it
into an international bucket list festival.

Bright believes that Vic Falls
provides a very different sort of
experience to the usual music festivals
because it extends further than what’s
happening within the fenced-off dance
areas. ‘Beyond the music,’ Bright says,
‘there’s white-water river-rafting,
bungee jumping, helicopter flips,
sunset booze cruises on the Zambezi,
game drives… and of course the Falls
themselves. It’s an entire region that’s
activated as part of the festival, which
includes a train party that culminates
in the middle of the bush. There are
all these dynamic activities by day,
compounded by nights of dancing to
fabulous music.’

Although there’s lots of research
when putting together the festival line-
up, Bright believes in making sure it’s
multi-cultural and cross-generational.
‘You want a line-up with broad appeal,
including legacy acts to bring older
revellers,’ he says. This year, legendary
Afro-fusion band Freshlyground is the
headline group that’ll have everyone
partying together as one. Other acts
lined up include dance music diva,
Lady Zamar, and DJ-musician Prince
Kaybee. And bringing their incredible,
slightly experimental swag will be
BCUC (Bantu Continua Uhuru

kulula.com

WHERE CHAMPAGNE'S IN THE AIR EXPLORE

Carnival packages

kulula holidays has put together
some great deals on Vic Falls Carnival
packages, whether you’re flying from
Cape Town or Joburg. Their packages
combine flights, accommodation and festival
passes, and they include airport transfers
and a sunset cruise on the Zambezi River.
Departures are on either the 28th or 29th
of December, with return flights on the

1st or 2nd of January.
holidays.kulula.com

Pictures: Eduardo Taylor/shutterstock.com, Eva Mont/shutterstock.com, Consciousness) whose live sets are
Felix Lipov/shutterstock.com, David Cuhney/shutterstock.com, like performance art pieces. Although
Angela N Perryman/shutterstock.com, Supplied months of planning goes into the
festival, Bright says that sometimes
it’s the things that cannot be planned DECEMBER 2018 135
which add that special magic. Two
years ago when Gold sh headlined,
it started to rain somewhere around
midnight. ‘It was the best moment
ever,’ says Bright. ‘ ere were 5 500
people dancing and the rain came
down, solid and heavy. But it was
also warm and beautiful and no-one
stopped dancing. ey went wild,
in fact. e rain added a whole new
dimension to the party. It shi ed
the festival to another level.’ Vic Falls
Carnival, 29–31 December,
vicfallscarnival.com

kulula.com



OUR AMAZING KELP FORESTS EXPLORE

Capturing moments from
a journey of undersea

exploration and discovery,
Sea Change is an

extraordinary book by
naturalists and ocean
lovers, Craig Foster and
Ross Frylinck. Here
are just a handful of the

images from its
336 pages

kulula.com Deep DECEMBER 2018 137

138 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com

OUR AMAZING KELP FORESTS EXPLORE

Left: This beautiful blue dragon or sea
swallow is a kind of nudibranch that lives
by floating on the open ocean, eating
bluebottles and storing their stinging cells
in its own body to repel predators.
Below: There are at least 24 species of
klipvis that are found only in South Africa’s
kelp forest. They come in variable colours
and patterns. Some can survive for hours
out of water if they remain damp.

pictures: xxxxxxx

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 139

xxxxxx

Occust faceatium fuga. Ma
aditibus expedit entenis
ni nullantotati aspid ut
anderferum eiciumq
uaernamet reriaOccust
faceatium fuga. Ma
aditibus expedit entenis
ni nullantotati aspid ut
anderferum eiciumq
uaernamet reriam, quas
comnihi caerior

Above: A close-up glimpse of the eye of a pyjama catshark. The shark collects aragonite (a crystal form of calcium carbonate) from
the sea water and builds a shiny mirror on the back of its eye. This enables it to gather faint moonlight in the dark forest and navigate by
night. It sees 10 times better than humans do in low light.

140 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com

OUR AMAZING KELP FORESTS EXPLORE

Right: When fleeing and inking fail, the last
resort in the octopus defence arsenal is
an amazing technique whereby it grabs as
many as a hundred shells and stones and
builds a temporary armoured shell
from them.

Below: A sevengill shark glides through
the kelp forest.

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 141

this monumental book reveals
a journey filled with profound
discoveries. seachangeproject.com

Below: When an octopus is threatened,
it is able to not only increase its apparent
size by expanding six of its arms into this
pugilistic posture, but – sometimes, very
rarely – transforms its two remaining
arms into a pair of legs, enabling it to walk
across the ocean floor.

From Quivertree Publications, Sea Change Right: The authors say that it takes about
– Primal Joy and the Art of Underwater a year to completely adapt to swimming
Tracking is the result of an eight-year in the cold Atlantic without a wetsuit.
collaboration by award-winning filmmaker Regular cold exposure causes the body to
and naturalist Craig Foster and surfer and rebuild its brown fat adipose tissue that
free-diver Ross Frylinck. During that time, babies are born with.
they have dived in the Southern African
kelp forest almost every single day and Far right: A false plum anemone
devouring a compass jellyfish.

142 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com

OUR AMAZING KELP FORESTS EXPLORE

pictures: xxxxxxx

kulula.com DECEMBER 2018 143





EXPLORE BRAIN GAIN

Kansas has its Museum of Odd,
there’s a phallus museum in
Iceland, and don’t turn your nose
up at the Dolly Parton museum –
it’s real. Ilse Zietsman unearths
some of our most geek-tastic
museums, as well as art galleries,
a ghost town and even a couple of
hotels with hidden treats for the
culturally inclined

geek sSUMMER FOR

146 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com

BRAIN GAIN EXPLORE

Giddy up!
In the Midst of Chaos There
is Opportunity is a rather action-
packed sculptural installation by
Mary Sibande, one of the country's
most celebrated contemporary artists.
The work is on loan to the Zeitz Museum
of Contemporary Art Africa (MOCAA)
at the V&A Waterfront until
January. Catch it while you can.

zeitzmocaa.museum

kulula.com DCEMEBER 2018 147

EXPLORE BRAIN GAIN

KITSCH WITH A SIDE ORDER OF KOEKSISTERS

Fabulous Afrikaner kitsch is displayed in Evita Bezuidenhout’s Boerassic Park, a bizarre sculpture garden where gnomes tend
to plastic flowers and there’s a monumental ‘gravy train’ parodying our most loved (and hated) politicians. Having laughed at the
ridiculous, prepare for serious contemplation – a gallery of Evita’s correspondence with political heavyweights evokes the pain
and desperation of the Apartheid era. Then tuck into traditional boerekos, rounded off with gay muffins, affirmative tarts, and
koeksisters in Tannie Evita’s café. And there’s gut-puncturing cabaret most weekends – all playing out at Evita se Perron at the Old
Station in the West Coast hamlet of Darling. evita.co.za

ROCKS OF AGES REV YOUR UNICORNS

If the glitz of the V&A Waterfront’s Ask any normie (normal person) to explain
shopping mall doesn’t cut it, the Cape what a unicorn looks like and the answer
Town Diamond Museum at the Clock would be that it is a mythical horse with
Tower has a few precious stones money a horn on its forehead.
can’t buy. Amongst the artefacts from the
early days of Kimberley mining is a 3.5 Not if you ask a geeky petrolhead, though.
billion-year-old Kimberlite rock specimen, Their answer will be something totally
or peridotite. It predates the dinosaurs. different: ‘It’s a rare car that can only be
You can dress up with hard hats and seen in a car museum; it’s almost never for
gumboots to feel the part whilst exploring, sale.’ Unicorn cars get geeks all revved up.
or delve into the slick displays that neatly The Franschhoek Motor Museum at
unravel every facet of diamond production. L’Ormarins in the Franschhoek Valley
capetowndiamondmuseum.org has unicorns, motorcycles, bicycles and
memorabilia from the past 100 years
on show. fmm.co.za

PLYING POTENT POTIONS

For the city slicking inyanga, the Museum of Man & Science is heaven-sent.
A traditional medicine apothecary-emporium started in 1956 and saturated with raw
ingredients, it has everything you need to mix up the muti for warding off evil spirits.
Plus, there are ancestor-connected traditional healers who will consult the bones on
your behalf. If you’re creeped out by the thought of skins, bones, feathers and limbs
strung up from every possible surface, take comfort that much of the stock is herbal.

14 Diagonal Street, Joburg, 011 836 4470

148 DECEMBER 2018 kulula.com


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