Wild Affection

TOME TASEVSKI

to end. However, I reached her desired
destination, stopped and parked the car
near the sidewalk. It was a dark street.
We were just sitting still, looking at each
other. Then she said, “I hope that this will
remain between us.”

It was a little bit strange, but very
understandable for her to ask for discretion
because I needed it as well. I would never,
ever want to have or cause any problems
between us.

“Of course,” I answered.

I kissed her once more and then she
opened the door, went outside and closed
the door. As the window was open, she
leaned on the door and we came face to
face again. I gave her my hand to shake and
she accepted it. We spoke with our eyes.
She turned her head, raised her body and
slowly, as she was moving away, her hand
slipped out of mine. It was very painful

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watching her leave. I started my engine
and left.

The rest of the night was very strange.
Many thoughts passed through my mind
after I left. I had feelings that made me
laugh and at the same time made me very
sad. The strangest thing for me was that if
she was hunting me in her thoughts and
saw me in her dreams, we had a moment
when she could have me completely. I was
hers. I surrendered. But she chose to reject
me! I was surprised to see how much her
moral values were beyond every limit. I
believe now, as I believed then, that she
had the worst possible kind of war inside
her mind. To have something that you
desire so much and that does not belong
to you, to have such a strong connection,
to be physically present at certain time
and to have a situation where you can do
whatever you want, and yet you choose to
do nothing at all! It was a very honorable,
but at the same time very uneasy, feeling

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to keep inside of you.

I could not go home. I was feeling totally
off. I went out for a walk to get some fresh
air and have a drink. My wife called me a
few more times but I couldn’t answer. I felt
guilty. I couldn’t find a way to get out of
this situation. Everything was out of my
control.

While walking around the streets I
came across a café. It had a very nice
outdoor balcony with a beautiful yard
full of green decorative trees. I went in
and sat at a table. The waiter came, said
hello, and asked me what I would like to
drink. I needed something very strong,
so I ordered a double whiskey. In no time
he brought it. I drank it all at once and
ordered another one. I could not restart
myself. My mind went totally crazy. I felt
emptiness, sorrow, guilt, happiness, joy,
anger, fury…a complete mix of emotions. I
felt like I had everything, but at the same

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time I had nothing. After a while, I calmed
myself a little bit, finished my drinks and
went home. My wife was waiting for me.
She was furious and she had the right to
be.

“Where were you? You told me hours
ago that you would be at home,” she said
to me.

“I came earlier but I went out to take
a walk and I met a friend of mine who
offered me a drink, so…” I lied.

It was very cruel to lie to my wife. This
was the first time I was unfaithful to
her, and I love my wife very much. She
continued with her multiple questions,
eager to learn what happened. It was like
she could feel that something was not
okay with me. I just told her, “Please let me
relax. I am very tired and we will continue
this discussion tomorrow.”

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I just wanted this night to end. I did
not want to continue to discuss this
matter with my wife. I avoided it as much
as I possibly could. Even though she was
furious, she respected my wish and left
me alone. I took a shower and went to bed,
but I couldn’t fall asleep. I was thinking
of Amy too much. As I was lying on the
bed staring at the ceiling with my hand
behind my head, all pensive, my wife came
to me and started kissing me. She wanted
to make love with me. During our “play,”
my mind was totally off my wife. I was not
there. It was like I was having a dream. It
was such a crazy night that I was glad it
somehow ended, but from that night on, I
started to go off track. I could feel it ...

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WILD AFFECTION
{56}

TOME TASEVSKI

IX

Days passed by. I was desperate
to see her. Then, out of
nowhere, one day when I went
to work Amy was there. She
was standing in front of our
reception desk and was speaking with
our administrator. I went in and looked
at her but she did not even move. It was
as if she didn’t notice of me. I passed by
her. Nothing. I said to myself “What is
happening here?!” I was confused because
I knew that she saw me. I went into my
office and started working. I got instantly
absorbed and after a while she came
in. There were several people there and
she talked with some of them and then
suddenly, totally unexpectedly, she came
to me and said, “I just came to say good

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afternoon to you and sorry for not greeting
you at the reception.”

I was very surprised by the way she
acted, but at the same time I felt happiness.
I raised my head, looked at her straight
in the eyes and there it was. Instant wild
connection. I felt alive. I knew inside
me that she would not be okay avoiding
contact with me. We were each other’s
energy source.

“Hi! How are you?” I asked her.

“Not so good. I cannot sleep lately…I
have too many thoughts,” she answered.

“Me too! I must see you alone, at least
for five minutes. When can we meet?” I
asked.

She was looking straight at me, smiled
and then said, “No! We cannot meet ever
again.”

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“Why not?” I asked. I repeated this
question several times.

“Because I cannot meet you or be with
you ever again!” she answered and left the
office.

I followed her to the exit door and I kept
on asking her again and again, but she
always responded with that cold tone. I felt
I was sinking. My smile disappeared from
my face. The answer “NO” was so cold and
brutal for me. Why NO?! Why? How can
she tell me NO? I somehow returned to my
job, but I worked mechanically. My mind
was completely occupied with her. I could
not eat. I could not drink. I was broken
and out of myself. I was falling apart with
anger and helplessness.

That day my parents came to see me.
During my break I went to see them at the
nearby restaurant where we had arranged
to have lunch together. I went in, said hello,

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and sat at the table. I had a stiff expression
on my face, and I was tapping my left leg
and was totally distracted. I was not me.
It was somebody else. My mother was
looking at me and she immediately knew
that something was not right. My father
was also looking at me suspiciously.

“What is happening? Why are you
so nervous and distracted?” my mother
wanted to know.

“Nothing important,” I replied to her.

“What bothers you?” my father insisted.

“It will pass. Don’t worry,” I replied to
them.

How could I answer those questions?
Can you speak openly about this kind
of matter with your parents? They are
the ones that taught me and raised me
always to respect and be with my family.

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I could not even imagine answering them
honestly and hurting my family. Besides, I
was very respected, not just by my family,
but by everyone as a man that would never,
ever betray his family. Then I remembered
a saying that my father always told me,
and it goes like this: “Even in a fastest
race, the best horse will stop and the most
faithful woman/man on a good occasion
will surrender.”

The worst thing was that I was both the
horse and the man. I’d always respected
this proverb, but I never thought that it
would be meant for me. It’s unbelievable
how life works!

As they were speaking to me, my
stomach started to crumple. I felt like I
had a noodle in my throat. Suddenly my
eyes filled with tears. I started crying while
trying to hide my face and eyes with my
hands. I did not want my mother to see me
like that so I just got up and went into the

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washroom. I washed my face and looked at
myself in the mirror. I could not recognize
myself. It was like I was looking to another
person’s face. I washed again, combed my
hair and returned to my seat. My mother
was just looking at me. She was reading me
by my bloodshot eyes and my sad face. She
knew that I was suffering from something
that hurt me very badly. However, we had
our lunch, had some other conversations
and we left.

At home it was the same situation. My
wife was looking at me and she knew that
something was wrong. She kept on asking
what it was, but I was totally lost in my
thoughts.

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X

One afternoon I texted her. I
had a very powerful inner
need to see her. It was like
a panic attack. I even could
not breathe. She texted me
back that she could not see me. The same
NO! This was like putting gasoline into
fire. I was so furious.

I started to look for a way to restore
myself, so I did what I knew the best. I took
my bike and rode around in the mountains
for two or three hours, but this could
not take away my fury so I continued to

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exercise in the gym. I knew that in order to
calm myself down I needed something to
physically exhaust me. The exercises were
so dynamic and powerful that it looked
like I was punishing myself. And yet even
though I did all that, she was still inside
me. It was impossible to get her out of my
mind!

That same day I texted her, I went
out. It was nighttime and I was alone. I
parked my car near the center of the city
and while I was walking, I came across
a restaurant with some friends sitting
at the front table there. I went up and
greeted them, and they asked me to sit
with them. I accepted their invitation.
The table was very near the walkway so as
we were sitting I could see almost anyone
that was crossing. As we were speaking
and having our drinks I saw her far away
on the walkway. She saw me too. She
started heading towards us. She came
at our table, greeted me first and then

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TOME TASEVSKI

the rest of the people. She spoke with
one of my friends for a while and then
she left. I was very cold and still angry
at that time, so I did not speak anything
besides hello. As she said goodbye to all of
us, she turned her head and lashed out
a look towards me. It was a split second,
but I felt as if she was trying to tell me
something. I was really not in the mood
to play those games. My eyes were stone
cold, but I could feel that she was not
calm. She was also overtaken with heavy
thoughts, maybe even deeper than mine.
I saw her. I felt her. That was not enough
for me, because inside I was ripped apart!
I wanted her more. However, I had to be
calm. I finished my drink, relaxed with my
friends, and then I left for home.

Along the way, I walked by another
restaurant near where my car was parked.
As I was passing by I saw her sitting on the
outside balcony. She was with her friends.
She saw me, raised her head and smiled.

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I just waved my hand and went by. I went
to my car, got in and started the engine.
As soon as I started driving I received a
message on my phone:

“Why didn’t you come?”

It was from her! Wow! I was amazed.
Was this possible? I couldn’t believe it.

“Why would I come there? You were
with your friends. What would I do there?”
I texted back.

“That is not okay,” she replied.

I was still nearby, so I texted her: “I am
parked on the street near the restaurant.
If you want to see me, come!”

I never imagined she would come,
because she was always saying no to that
request of mine. This time, however, she
surprised me very pleasantly.

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TOME TASEVSKI

As I was sitting inside my car and
looking at my phone, a shadow over the
windshield made me lift my head. She was
looking for me! I could not believe my eyes!
But she was heading the opposite way. I
flashed my lights, and she saw them and
started walking towards me. It was the
most amazing view I’d seen in my entire
life. It was like a movie scene.

She was not running, but walking fast.
She seemed full of desire and excited to
meet me, but I could also see a question
mark on her face: “What am I doing, where
am I going?!”

She was dressed in a light-brown
dress with a classic style. Her upper
body, shoulders and sexy prominent
collar bones were bare. Around her neck
she was wearing an amazing silk scarf
embroidered with tremendous, colorful
patterns. As she came closer, her scarf was
falling off and with her left hand she lifted

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WILD AFFECTION

it up just enough for it to slide again. The
wind was waving her hair and she made a
quiet movement with her head and raised
her thick locks. It was like one picture and
a thousand words. I felt an explosion of
emotions.

I opened the door and got out of my
car. As I was approaching her she started
to ask me the same questions from the
messages. I just told her, “I really do not
know what you have done to me, but I am
crazy about you. Nothing really matters
for me anymore. Only YOU! I only have
eyes for you. I’m in love with you.”

Then I lay my hands on her face and
kissed her on her lips. She did not fight,
but her lips were closed as usual. She
stood frozen again, but at that moment
this was not important to me so I ignored
it. I appreciated the fact that she came to
see me of her own will. I could see and feel
that even though she pushed her inner self

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TOME TASEVSKI

to avoid any contact with me, the fact was
that she wanted to see and absorb me very
much. I told her, “This is wild affection!
You cannot fight it. It is beyond physical
attraction; it is a cosmic connection.”

She just stood there, totally confused.
She did not know how to react. No, it is
better to say that she did know but she was
aware of who I was, and of my family and
so again her moral values and self-control
won. But was this a winning situation for
her? I really cannot answer this question. I
can just imagine how she felt having those
feelings inside herself and not being able
to share them. And she had so much to
give!

As I hugged her and kissed her, she
kept turning her head. Even in such a
special moment she was still worried and
checking to see if someone was watching
us. We were on a street, you remember,
right? Such silly, girlish behavior! She was

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so in control of herself that she did not
move her hands to hug me.

“People could see us,” she told me.

“I do not care. I am not interested
in people! I am only interested in you,’ I
replied. I was giving all of me to her. She
took my soul and had my love. I wanted to
enjoy this very special, rare moment with
her, and this was the only thing she kept
telling me? I even asked her, “How do you
feel?”

“I must not feel! I do not even want to
express my feelings. I like everything that
you are telling me…those are breathtaking
words and they give me great pleasure,
but you are forbidden to me.”

We were kissing and hugging— I mean, I
was kissing her and I was hugging her, and
we made some small talk, shared smiles
and met each other’s eyes. And then my

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TOME TASEVSKI

telephone started ringing. Hers too. My
wife was calling me. I picked up. “Where
are you?” she asked.

“Where are you?” Amy’s friends asked
her.

What a situation!

It was like we were on a timer. We were
totally unaware that nearly one hour had
passed. For me, it was like a split second.
But the time had come. We had to separate
now. It was so hard. I held her hand and
looked in her eyes. She would make one
step forward then turn around looking at
me. This happened again and again. I was
still holding her hand. She did not want
to let me go...Fucking life! After a while,
we somehow left. I got into my car and I
could see her through the windshield as
she walked away. The same scene from an
hour ago when she was coming repeated!
Like magic.

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I will never ever forget that scene in
my life. It was a very special moment that
reminded me people are worth living for.
Even now, while I am writing about it,
explosion of emotions are fulfilling my soul
and raising my energy to the highest level.
Yes, you might say that it could have been
better. For me, it was enough. Now, seeing
it from this perspective, I can only say that
this was my “five-minute” time alone with
her. And it was so amazing and romantic!

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TOME TASEVSKI

XI

As usual, time passed. Again
I felt the same thoughts,
the same concerns, the
same emptiness, the same
loneliness…

She would visit our office sometimes.
I also met her on different occasions.
Occasionally I even spent some time
with her and we talked a lot, sharing
our thoughts and feelings. We were each
other’s psychologists. We were healing
our mutual hearts and souls, fulfilling
them with happiness, joy and true smiles.
We felt alive. Time stopped whenever we

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were together. It was like we were in a
different world. As soon as we were apart,
the unwanted feelings would return.

One early morning, I was at the gym
doing my morning exercises. Even then,
as usual, I was thinking of her. A lot! As I
was in this pensive state, out of nowhere,
I recalled my favorite book, which later
became a successful movie: Wuthering
Heights by Emily Brontë. I felt as if we had
the same situation here. I felt as if I was
Heathcliff and she was Cathy Earnshaw.

I called a friend of mine who was two
hundred kilometers away and asked him
to buy the book for me. I also asked him
to send it to me promptly. He did as told.
It was to be a gift from me to her. I texted
her, “I have a special gift for you. As soon
as you are available, please come. I would
like to give it to you in person.”

“What gift?” she texted back.

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“Come meet me, and then you will
learn,” I texted her back.

And so, one day, it happened. She came.
We sat alone and I said, “Do you read
books?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Well, I have a very good book for you.
Unbelievably similar situation, only the
opposite of ours,” I told her.

She was very excited and surprised as
well. I could always feel her entirely, believe
it or not; we were so interrelated! Besides,
she could never hide anything from me
because her whole look and behavior would
change. Her face would start shining,
her cheeks would blush, especially at the
zygomatic area, her dark eyes would get
wide open and brighter and sparks would
come out of them. She would become
fresher and more focused. Her entire body

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would tremble. In other words, she would
shine! The energy that she was releasing
at those moments would burn everything
around her. I was the same.

I took the book and placed it on the
table. “This is a very special story for me
and I think that you will find yourself in
a character in it,” I said. I opened the first
page and on the inner right side I wrote:

“And after a very long time we will
remain what we are today.”

“I will not sign it or put my initials, and
you know why. But I am sure that you will
remember who gave it to you for the rest
of your life,’ I said.

As I was giving her the book I looked
into her eyes and I saw that “NO” that had
stopped me so many times and rejected
me. I could feel that she was broken inside
and torn into pieces. She wanted to cry.

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Her eyes were nearly filled with tears but
she stayed cool. What a character. It is not
easy to act so strong!

“Thank you very much,” she said. “I will
read it with great pleasure.”

I got up from my chair, hugged her
strongly and kissed her on her cheek.
She needed that hug. I could say that she
fought with herself inside, but she could
not handle those feelings any more. It was
not easy for her because she was obsessed,
too. It was only me who could recognize
this feeling in her and everybody else
would be wrong. But not me. I am sure
about that now. 100%.

And as usual, the time came when we
had to separate, so…she left.

There were days when we texted each
other. Even though I tried very hard to
control myself and not send any messages,

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it was always me that would initiate. I told
her once, “You could message me at any
time.”

“I will never do that. I can’t!” she replied.

“Why not?”

“Because, simply, I cannot do that. I
cannot allow myself!”

Notthatshedidnotwanttocommunicate
with me. Oh, how much she liked my
infatuation. But her ethical threshold was
set so high that it did not let her have any
unplanned affairs. She only texted me if
I had provoked her previously with my
words. She didn’t want me to have any bad
opinion about her or to misunderstand
her behavior. And, when she would write
to me or explain face to face, she would
always say, “You understand me, right?”
Or, “We understood each other, right?”

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In some of those moments I really
cannot tell you exactly how I felt.
Sometimes strange but sometimes very
angry. It seemed like she was joking
with me or was playing with my feelings.
I opened myself too much to her and I
was very vulnerable. However, the good
thing was that whenever I would text her,
she would always reply. She never left
any unanswered message. That was very
important to me!

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{80}

TOME TASEVSKI

XII

When I was in my office
one day, my best friend
called me. He informed
me that there would
be a great party and
asked me if I would like to go with them.
“I will be with my wife and other two
couples,” he said.

I was so preoccupied with how, when,
where and if I could meet her instead of
hanging out with my friends. I answered,
“I will ask my wife and let you know.”

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I ended the conversation and asked
around if anyone knew something about
that party. One of my employees told
me that he and his friends had attended
a similar one a year ago and that it was
great. That same day I sensed Amy was
coming to visit us, and I wasn’t wrong.
When she came we sat down, had a drink
and I asked her if she would be there. She
told me, “Yes! I regularly attend those
parties and every year is better than the
one before. I think this year will be even
better.” And then she added, “Will you be
there? Come!”

I wanted to go, but I was totally mentally
and physically exhausted. Besides, I
couldn’t be with her. And if I went I would
have the same wild affection towards her
and would have to control myself. This was
very hard to me at that time, so… “No. Have
a great time there. You deserve it! Just do
not drink too much,” I said. I smiled at her,
finished my drink and left.

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Whenever she or I was leaving we simply
could not turn stop looking at each other. I
would move away, she would sit, sometimes
opposite, but the fixed look would always
stay. Our eyes needed that contact and
they were searching for it. As we moved
further away, immediate heaviness would
start. What an extraordinary and difficult
feeling!

I went home that day and went to sleep
immediately. After a while, my friend
called me again.

“Where are you, John? We are waiting
for you,” he said.

“I am in my bed, bro! I am very tired,” I
replied.

My wife was next to me and was listening
the conversation. “Let’s go, John. We have
not been out together for a long time,” she
said.

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“I am very tired, but if you insist, okay,”
I replied.

“Yes! I would like to go out, please.”

I could not say no to my wife. I love her
very much and I respect her every wish
as she respects mine. The only problem
was how to deal with the fact that she
was there. But … “Okay! We will join you
shortly,” I told to my friend.

We got up, took a shower, dressed and
left.

Outside, it was a little bit windy, but
generally it was a great, clear night. I
parked my car in the city center and we
moved ahead on foot. The bar was nearby
and we could hear the sound of the DJ. As
we were getting closer, we could see many
people there, all dressed up and having
fun. I started looking for my friend, but it
was very difficult to find him. I sent him

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a message and waited for his reply. As we
stood there, some of my employees passed
by and we said hello. They looked great.
My friend texted me and explained where
they were. Slowly, we squeezed through
the crowd and came to the table. We could
see almost everyone from there because
we were placed a little bit higher than the
rest of the crowd. We greeted our friends
and stood by the table. The waiter came
and we ordered our drinks. By the time
he had brought them, I turned around
towards the crowd and like a magnet to
my eyes, there she was! Directly in front of
me! How could she be in front of me when
there were so many people at the party? It
was incredible and unbelievable. My eyes
fixed and focused on her again.

I drank my drink and ordered again. But,
this time, a double! I had to calm down.
My wife stood next to me and was having
fun with our friends. The waiter came and
brought the drink and I drank it the same

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way. I was so stressed out and excited that
nothing could loosen me up. After a while,
I said to my wife, “I have to go the toilet.”

“Okay,” she replied.

I lied to her. I wanted to go to Amy. And
I went.

As I was approaching her table, she saw
me. She smiled and got that same look on
her face as I probably did. Excited, focused,
energized! I went directly to her. She
was facing towards me, but her body was
slightly rotated. I could see her provoking
and amazing curves. I placed my hand
around her waist and pressed my body
next to hers. She looked at me and then I
leaned my head towards her ear and said,
“Hi. You look amazing.”

“You told me that you would not come
to the party. What happened?” She was
eager to find out.

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“Well, I changed my mind, and I also
wanted to surprise you,” I replied and I
smiled.

As I was positioned like that, she moved
her head very close to my lips so she
could make contact and feel me. I kissed
her on the side of her head and held my
kiss as long as I could. It was so amazing.
People were moving around us, dancing
and drinking, and her friends were there,
but as we stood there we felt like nobody
was around. Only us, alone. Nothing else
mattered. She wanted me next to her. She
did not want to move away from me either.
It was such a powerful connection. Like a
magnet!

“I must leave now. I am just across from
you,” I said.

“I know. I saw you,” she replied.

“Maybe I’ll come by later,” I said.

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“Okay,” she said.

I hugged her gently, kissed her once
again in the same manner, smelled her
hair and started moving away. As you
know from before, or maybe you can even
feel my feelings now, the heaviness started
all over again. I returned to my table, but
only God knows how much I wished to be
close to her. My wife and my friends were
drinking and having fun. I tried, but I was
not me…I was very far away from there.

Days passed and again I had the same
thoughts, the same obsessions! I could
not work properly. Whenever I turned my
gaze I would see her. My mind went crazy
listening to her name inside my head. My
family didn’t recognize me anymore. I was
totally absent.

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XIII

As I was sitting at home one
day alone in my thoughts
and pensive, though not to
say totally off, I went into
the washroom. As I entered,
I saw myself in the mirror. I looked at my
face, very close to the mirror, and I asked
myself: “Who is this man? Who are you?”

I could not recognize myself. My hair
was messy. I had a beard. The skin under
my eyes was dark. My eyes were deepened
and lifeless. My face was full of deep sorrow.
It was not me. I cannot look like this?! It
was someone else’s face I saw for the first

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time. Then the rage passed through a
membrane, exploded, and I loudly uttered,
“This madness MUST stop! It MUST!”

I splashed my face with water several
times, washed my eyes with soap, opened
the cabinet and took out the shaving foam
bottle. I placed the foam into my hand,
put it on my face, took the razor and
started shaving myself. As I was taking
off the beard and washing the razor, I
saw how the water took out all the filth
through the black hole. It felt like I was
throwing away all the heaviness I had
at that moment. Slowly, I could see my
skin again. I finished shaving, washed
my face thoroughly, took the after-shave
cologne and splashed it on my face. I
raised my head up, combed my hair and
focused my eyes in the mirror again.
Now I saw me. My eyes filled with tears.
“Hello, John! Nice to see you again. It is
YOU again!” I greeted myself, welcoming
myself as never before.

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I entered my room, opened the closet,
took my bike clothes out and put them on
and then went to the mountains. There,
in the heights, with fresh air, closer to
God and alone, I fought with my demons.
I prayed, talked to myself and started
analyzing what the hell had happened
with me. I asked myself many questions:
How? Why? Where from? There were some
answers, but generally I could not find any
good explanation. The only thing that I
could analyze were our conversations and
moments spent together, and the heavy
feeling I would get when I asked myself:
Why didn’t she like to give me five minutes
of her life? I mean, I totally understood
why, but I was not at peace with that. And
why I was not peaceful? Well, because I
wanted to turn those five minutes into a
time she would never forget in her life.

I imagined it all the time: taking her
for a short trip, to my very special place
deep in the mountains, near a lake. It was

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all surrounded with green fields and huge
trees, away from everyone and everything.
There in the beauty of nature and the
infinite silence, she would be herself: wild,
and most important…free. Near the lake
there is a very small, open wooden house.
Inside that house there is a table placed in
the middle with a bench. I would bring a
bottle of red wine and two glasses. One for
her and one for me. We would enjoy our
mutual presence, completely absorbing
ourselves in the night, illuminated by the
stars in the sky. The surface of the lake
would shine from the moonlight and the
small waves from the lake would make
calming music to our souls. Those would
have been the most romantic five minutes
in our lives. But…

So I realized the most important thing,
which slowly started to bring me back on
track again. And what was that? Well, I
simply realized that during all that time
she was involved with me, she had never

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given me a warm feeling! She had never
told me a warm word. She had never texted
me any warm sign. She was so brutal with
her words and frozen behavior. And me?
Oh my God…yeah. I gave myself and all my
love to her. I know and I understand that
she protected herself so she would not
get involved either mentally or physically,
but man—she could still have told me
something nice and positive to raise my
spirits and return my smile. It would have
been enough! But she never did that. She
was the total opposite. She always put
herself in first place: “How will I feel…what
will I do if…” Only those kind of words
were said to me. Now, I just said to myself,
“Wow. What selfishness!”

I texted her, and as we were chatting I
wrote, “Sorry to tell you, but you are very
brutal!”

“A very bad word,” she replied
immediately.

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“No, not just brutal but you are brutally
cruel!” I texted again.

She did not accept those words and she
was upset, for sure, but for me that’s how
it was. I added,

“And you know what else?”

“What?” she asked.

“For all the time we have been involved,
you have never told me a kind word!” I
wrote.

That was the last sentence of the
conversation. Later, in a different period
of our “relationship,” she confirmed this
to me—she did not deny it. She even told
me that I had set her thinking better and
had her analyzing her own character and
that she came to the conclusion that this
behavior of hers had resulted in making
certain mistakes in her life.

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As always, we deleted the whole
conversation. I had learned from her to
delete everything we texted. Why? Well,
because it was just her…even though she
had several passwords, she was afraid
someone would check her phone and learn
about us. No trails! “Oh, what a character,”
I said to myself.

From then on I just knew I had to move
away from her. But how would I do that?
How can you sweep away from something
that makes you so alive, so fluid, so full
with life? Just the thought of that made me
feel sick. My whole body was in shock. My
heart would start beating faster. My voice
would disappear. My stomach would start
tightening. I could not swallow my own
saliva. It was like having a panic attack.

My first thought was to avoid contact
with her. I think she did that as well. But
was that possible? No. And why? Simply
because whenever we saw each other we

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would automatically look at each other,
smile and exchange kind words. Sometimes
when we had the time, we would sit and
have conversations, but they were not
the same anymore. Why? Well, I framed
myself. Limits were set everywhere. And,
the most important thing that I said to
myself was never to ask her a question
where the expected answer would be NO.
This NO had a very negative effect upon
me. It was breaking me, because I am not
a man who simply turns and walks away
when people say no to me. This word
triggered in me an automatic response to
fight. But in this situation, because of my
wife and family this no was impossible to
beat.

Having that kind of battle inside me, I
very soon realized my wife, my children,
my mother, my father, my family—this was
my world. They were the only ones who,
during those bad times, always asked,
“How do you feel? What is the problem?

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Can we help you?” They hugged me, kissed
me, gave me their unconditional love,
even though I did not deserve it because
I was totally unfaithful to them. No, not
unfaithful…I totally forgot them! Which
was unforgivable.

In the past, when I would hear that
something similar happened to some guy
or woman I knew, I would just state, “How
is this possible?! He or she is an adult.
How can this be happening?” It was very
incomprehensible and not acceptable for
me. But now I understand them totally,
and what is more, I did not judge them.
Today everything is acceptable for me if
the person is happy and fulfilled, because
we only have one life to live. Okay, we have
family, kids, but they have their lives and
we have ours. Everyone has their own
destiny. I know that this sounds very cruel
and selfish, but believe me it is exactly like
that, like it or not! However, this was not
the case with me. I could not separate

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from my family. They are my life.

Furthermore, I asked myself many
times, “What drives this affection, and
why is it so wild? Is it love? Is it passion?
Is it caused by the loneliness we feel? Or is
it only an illusion?’ I even started reading
articles on that topic. There were many
theories, some better explained, some less.
There was one that drew my attention.
On the internet I came across some
very thorough research done by a group
of scientists at the prominent Harvard
university. The aim of this research were
a few questions like, “What is the most
important thing for humans?” What I
noticed was the fact that the research was
completed over seventy-five years, and the
conclusion was the following: love is the
only most important thing in life!

In the end, it is a matter of feelings,
and nobody can know the exact answer.
Besides it being our basic animal instinct,

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I am sure now that it is also a mixture of
everything, only in order to be effective, it
all must start with a simple connection.

I have lost myself now! Where were we?
Ah, yeah…sorry, let’s continue with the
story.

So I started avoiding her. She would
come, and I would try to stay away and
not meet her. I noticed that she was
doing the same. Unfortunately, we had to
collaborate so we had to meet sometimes.
During those meetings it was very hard for
me to be around her. She felt the same. I
would often tell her, “I can feel you!” And
I would show her what I meant, placing
my hand on the exact spot on my stomach
where she felt her physical signs. It was
in the so-called “solar plexus” area, just
above the stomach and the diaphragm.
Many of you have felt it many times—
this tightness, either from some great
excitement or maybe fear. This tightness

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then spreads upwards, reaching the neck,
and you feel like you have something stuck
in your throat. Feeling like that, what do
you do? You either try to swallow it or you
cough. She was like that. Not to mention
the face she had. Her gestures, and most
importantly her beautiful eyes. Ah …those
deep dark eyes…

Showing and telling her that, she would
just smile. The only difference now was that
her smile was a smile full of deep sorrow,
great heaviness and at the same time
total emptiness. This was a result of how
she felt. I was the same. She transmitted
those feelings to me. The connection! You
remember, right? We were so close to each
other and yet so far away…

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