Wild Affection

TOME TASEVSKI

XIV

Then one night when she was at
the office again, she decided to
stay. This took me by surprise.
“I must stay here! I must be
with her! It is my chance to be
with her!” I thought. I tried to find excuses
for my deeds. My work for that day was
finished. I went home to take a shower
and prepare myself for the night. As I was
getting ready, I called her. “Hi! Listen, I am
calling you to tell you that I will come and
see you later. Please find some way to be
alone,” I told her.

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“I can’t! I will be with my friends and
cannot leave them. They will notice and
ask me where am I going,” she replied.

“Okay. Then when you leave we can
meet at your friend’s home,” I told her.

“It is really impossible,” she replied.

It was the same old situation. Me
asking, and she rejecting. Hot/cold. She
was always thinking: someone will see me!
As always, this matter didn’t bother me so
much. For me, the most important thing
was to spend as much time as I could with
her. I decided to go and meet her. But I did
not want to go there by myself, so I called
a friend of mine to come with me. I did not
tell him why, of course, but just asked him
to go out with me. At first he did not want
to come, as he felt tired, plus it was a work
day the next day.

However, I managed to persuade him,

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picked him up and went to the place Amy
told me about. It was a little bit unusual
to see so many people present in such a
place on a weekday. But it was a party. We
started looking for them and found them
quickly because they had their table on
the balcony near the promenade. It was
a favorite spot to sit and watch everyone
walking by. We greeted everyone and joined
them at the table. I sat next to Amy. Again,
the same feelings awoke in me. I had the
same passion, the same excitement on my
face, the same energy in my blood, my eyes
shone. I was alive again!

She looked, as always, simply beautiful.
She had a unique style and knew how to
combine her outfits perfectly. She was
wearing a very elegant yellow summer
blouse, one of my favorite ones. She had on
the same white mini dress that overlapped
at the front. You already know about the
rest of her body so…The most striking
thing that night were her earrings. They

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were very elegant, not so big, but thin and
long. They were dangling from her ears.
The glitter in them perfectly matched
the sparks in her eyes. Her perfume
highlighted her untamed wildness. I could
not take my eyes off of her.

We ordered some drinks, drank them
and started our usual conversation. It was
in the same, with our gentle touches and
lion cuddling. I desired her very much.
But, again and as always, in a crowd with
friends meant no freedom.

After a while, she got up and left the
table. I turned and saw that she was heading
towards the washroom. I said to myself,
“Here is a chance to catch her alone!” I got up
and headed towards the washroom, too. As
I arrived close to the door, several people
were going in and out. As the door opened
and closed I was able to see that it was a
small room with one exit, and inside there
were two separate cubicles, left for men,

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right for women. Right after you enter
there was a mirror with a sink. I stood in
front of the exit door and waited her. As I
stood there I was also watching her friends
to see if they could see me. Suddenly the
door opened, and there she was. She was
surprised, but at the same time she smiled
and looked excited.

“What now?” she asked.

I just placed my hands on her cheeks
and started to kiss her. Kissing her like
that and pushing her backwards, we
entered into the toilet cubicle and headed
directly towards the sink. She did not kiss
me back, but this time she did not fight.
She was frozen again but did not say no.
She was ready to surrender; I could finally
feel that! And at this very special moment,
suddenly an asshole came out the men’s
room. I could see his face in the mirror and
I recognized him. It was a guy I knew! We
just stopped there and then and stepped

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back immediately. I headed towards the
men’s room, and she exited the washroom.
Fucking guy! He ruined my everyday wish
and dream to have that special moment
with her.

I left the washroom after a while. I
returned to the table and everyone was
ready to leave. There was nothing I could
do. We left, and as we were walking we
came to the spot where we had to separate.
I cannot really explain to you how I felt. I
can only say that it was like a part of me
was stolen, but in a very aggressive and
violent way. As I was moving further away
from her, I turned and looked at her. She
just stood there watching me. Her face was
very sad. I needed her. She desired me this
time, very much. She was totally broken. I
will remember that look forever.

I went home, but I was not peaceful.
She was here and we could still have our
time. I texted her:

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“I will go and wait you in front of your
friend’s house.”

“No! I cannot go out and meet you
there! It is really impossible.”

“But we can meet. I am not feeling
peaceful, and I really want to be with you.”

“Please don’t do that! If you come, I
will not come out. Please. I do not want to
argue with you,” she replied.

“Okay. But…” I was furious. She was
here and why…why was she so tough?
Man, I could not calm myself. As I was
preparing to go to bed, I received a message
from her. We started messaging. We had
a long conversation and for the first time
she revealed all of her feelings. We said so
much that I really can’t remember it all,
especially because as she was writing she
was immediately deleting her sentences.
Revealing her feelings made me even more

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excited, and I really wanted her to tell me
all of that in person. I repeated myself to
her many times that night: “I would like
to come…I can come…,” but she was so
difficult about that, it was unbelievable.
She wanted it, but she didn’t want it. It
was like a game; really indecipherable.

That night, after countless times, I
finally realized that it was unreasonable for
me to push further and lose my mind for
something that could never be mine. Maybe
we were together in our previous lives, or
maybe not. Maybe we always had this kind
of wild affection and love, but maybe we
were never destined to be together. Only
one thing was certain here: our souls were
one. We had a very powerful but painful
connection; a connection that you cannot
have with everyone you meet. Only once in
your life can you come across this. If you
have it twice, you are very lucky but if you
never do, then you will never know what
true love is.

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Even when I meet her today, every end
with her is like a new beginning. And every
new beginning is more intense than the
previous one. Circulus vitiosus! (vicious
circle). We still communicate because we
can’t do without it. And the feelings are
still present. The only difference is that
in time I learned to control them, not
allowing them to defeat me. As for her, I
really cannot tell, but I think she carries
the same load as me for sure.

“How can I meet a person now after I
met you and had that situation with you?”
she recently asked me. By saying that,
she wanted me to understand that she
has feelings for me. But I can also see it
the opposite way; for example, I see her
selfishness. Why? Well, she never asked
me, “How will I continue my life after that
situation?”

Realizing all of this, I am refocusing my
energy and my love to my family again,

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and restarting my connection with them.
Not that it was broken, but I simply was
extremely distracted and got very far away
from them because of her. I cannot blame
her, because she didn’t do anything. It
was always me. I was the one that allowed
myself to play such dangerous games. But
I am also the one who controls my life
again. Trust me, it is not easy at all!

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XV

Iam finishing my novel the same way
I started it.
LOVE! The feeling that we will never
lose, forget or beat. It is inside us,
around us, between us… everywhere.
But do not love only the theory of love.
Love as you should love! Openly, truly,
and above all completely with your heart,
spirit and soul. It will never hurt anyone;
it will do the opposite. It will be of great
help to you.

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Some authors try to explain love
with pictures, showing us the levels of
our hormones dopamine, oxytocin and
serotonin. Man…this is not science. Love is
ENERGY! It is measurable only when you
find it.

I feel very lucky that I met my wild
affection, my true love that tore me
completely apart and made small pieces of
me. But at the same time it taught me in
a proper way what true love is and how I
should give it or take it. This experience
made me more aware of how bad it is when
somebody is not returning your greatly
given love. I told her once, “Everything that
happens now is happening now! It will not
be important twenty years from now.”

Many people, especially today, do not
give love and yet they ask for love. I ask
them, “What is your problem?” They reply,
“I had bad experience with that so now I
must protect myself.” But if you protect

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yourself and everybody else is doing the
same, how will you find your true love?
This is a very confusing and hard situation.

Furthermore, people do not speak with
people any more. They just text each other.
How will you receive or give love through
a phone? There is no way! Go out. Open
yourself. Speak, and look in people’s eyes.
If you do not do that, how will you find
your wild affection? Through pictures?
Surely not.

In the end, many people who know me
ask me, “Why are you writing this novel?
Who and what is your inspiration?” They
all had, have or will have similar situations
in their lives, but most of them decide to
bury them deep inside themselves. Me, I
am always different. I do not hide myself.
And to those kind of questions my answer
is this:

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Baby,

You never gave me the chance to tell you
how much you fulfill me.

You never gave me the opportunity to
show you what it means when someone
loves you.

You never gave me time to spend it with
you.

You never said YES to me! And, YES, I
always understood you.

Love is not something physical, it is a
way beyond. Time will show you, no, you
will understand.

You will never know how badly I desired
you, and you know why? Because you never
let me.

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You will never know what you’ve meant
to me, and you know why? Because we are
not meant to be. You cannot have everything
in your life! Only your life.

You came into my life as fast as you left.

I wrote this novel only for you. Read it
now and forever. Never be peaceful because
I am not either. Every minute I had with
you was a minute to remember. This novel
makes it our eternity.

I see you in my dreams and hold you in
my arms. I hug you and caress you. I kiss
you and make love with you every single
night.

You are my past, present and future.

My WILD AFFECTION !

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