50 CHAPTER 8 KEY #1 CHOOSE RELATIONSHIP =We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.A : Anonymous IF YOU;RE MARRIED OR IN A RELATIONSHIP ow do you know if your husband or boyfriend has what it takes to step up to the plate and be a full partner for you? You don;t. Key #1 is about deciding, right now, up front, if he;s worth your commitment to him. We;re not talking about his potential, and we;re not talking about the quality of the relationship l because we;re going to work on that, but we;re talking about the man l we;re talking about exactly the way he is right now. If you;re married or engaged, this is about making the commitment 100% to be in the relationship you have, to the man you;re with. H
51 If you;re not married or engaged, then you are officially only UdatingV either many men, or one man who;s asked you to be exclusive and you;ve agreed. If you;re dating, then don;t commit 100% to anyone but yourself. Commit instead to your desire to be in a relationship l commit to the idea of relationship l commit to what;s best for your ideal dream of relationship. Commit to wanting to be married! IF YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED What if Mr. Right-for-You really is out there looking for you? Are you willing to commit to being in a relationship? We say we are, but are we really? Not wanting to be lonely, or wanting a date for Saturday night isn;t enough to keep a relationship together. It;s your decision to share your life with someone that opens up the doors to your dream relationship. Really think about it. Is there space in your life for someone else who has legitimate claims on your time and energy? Is there room in your home for a man? Are you a perfectionist who needs everything in its place?
52 Ask yourself: Do I really want a relationship? Am I really willing to make time and energy for it? Are you more attached to your possessions, ideas, opinions, independence, freedom, and life style than you are to the idea of a relationship with all its messy physicality and messy emotions? Ask yourself: Am I willing to let someone who is not completely perfect into my heart? Into my emotional life? Write what that would look like to you in your daily life.
53 And what about the level of relationship you;re willing to commit to? Do you want to be married? Is there a glimmer of desire in you for marriage and family that you;re hiding even from yourself? Are you afraid to have big dreams and big expectations for your future? Ask yourself: Am I ready to say flat-out that I want to be married? A man who;s found the woman he loves has no trouble committing to marriage. But we women often consume our romantic energy with planning and thinking and organizing, just to keep from feeling our real desires. We retreat behind a wall of busywork l cooking, doing, offering, functioning l that blocks our men from accessing our feelings and denies them what we want most, romance. FIGHT OR FLIGHT When things aren;t going well in a relationship, survival skills get activated. One part of you wants to run, leave, go to Tahiti, find another man. Though this part can
54 get bold and fearless l which often feels good l it usually only distracts from the real problems and the real solutions. The other part just wants to tear your man apart. This is the part that is so scared of the relationship breaking down, the part that has so little faith in the relationship itself that all you can do is attack, and then cry. Most of us go back and forth between these two. We;re one foot in and one foot out of the relationship l sometimes at all times. And then we turn all that anger and confusion on ourselves l making ourselves at fault, making ourselves wrong, feeling bad, feeling guilty, feeling yucky. Making the commitment to the relationship gives you clarity. It allows you to let the bond of the relationship carry you over the tough parts rather than your bond with the man himself. It allows you to: Activate the warrior in you l the parts of you that are brave enough to neither run nor succumb to attacking. These parts are willing to show the depths of how you really feel l hurt, disappointed, angry, scared, thrilled, ecstatic. They;re brave enough to express your feelings without attacking your partner. Step back into the observer l the part of you that can see what;s going on all around you. It sees the whole of the
55 relationship and can put things in perspective. The observer can help you take a breath before you fall back into old ways of reacting that don;t work and give you a chance to try some new ways of being and expressing yourself. Activating the observer will help you break some of the old patterns of your relationships. Cutting loose the brave warrior in you will help you stand by yourself. It will help you require top-notch treatment and loving from your man and refuse to tolerate sub-par treatment and loving. It will encourage you to open your heart, be vulnerable to love and express yourself authentically. Choosing the partner you have stops the confusion. A woman I once knew well was always one-foot-in and one-foot-out of her relationship. When things were bad, she was as good as single l with all the pain, loneliness, and freedom that gave her. And then within hours she;d bounce back to the other side, becoming so frightened of driving her husband away that she became sticky sweet. Just too nice to be believed. After an argument, he was simply frightened of her intensity, and tried to cool things by giving her space. He knew he;d done a bad thing, but he was completely unmoved to rectify his mistake, because he knew she would first scream at him, then stomp out, then return nicer than ever, and everything would be okay for awhile.
56 But he didn;t really like this nice, sweet, servicing woman who came back to him. He didn;t respect that woman. And he didn;t know how to be with her and her feelings, so he just tuned out a little more, which frustrated her, and soon the resentment grew, and then there;d be another mistake, and another series of bouncing in and out of the relationship. I asked what was it about not committing to the relationship that was so appealing. She said it made her feel more in control. I asked her what being in control looked like. She said it looked like taking care of herself. I asked her what taking care of herself looked like when things were going badly. She thought about it, and said UIf I could just stand there, stand still for a minute, and tell him exactly what I;m feeling and have him really hear me.V And what then? I asked. UThen he takes care of me,V she said. And we both laughed, but she knew she;d hit on something, because the next time things went bad, she didn;t run out to the store or down the street, and she didn;t slam doors or jump in front of the basketball game and scream at him, she just stood there. She stood there, shaking, she said, and she told him what it felt like to be her at that moment, and then she noticed that he was transfixed. He was watching her, and listening to her. She noticed, for the first time, that he was paying attention. And
57 then, instead of yelling back at her, or stomping into another room, he apologized. He just said UI;m sorry.V He said he;d been oblivious to what was going on, and he was sorry. And she decided that it was good enough for the moment, and she just went into the kitchen to think about it all. And then he left the TV set and came into the kitchen and touched her shoulder. And she was so surprised. I asked her how that happened, and she said UI just made up my mind, and I don;t know why, but I just decided that I was married to him and I;d just damn well better try something different.V My friend;s husband was able to step up to the plate. So if you;re married or in an exclusive relationship, ask yourself: Is my man good enough, right now, exactly the way he is, for me to recommit to him? Let;s say for a 10-week trial of this program. Is he satisfactory l at least more satisfactory than unsatisfactory? Think about it. Exactly the way he is. For those of you who are so angry and disappointed you can;t think of anything satisfactory about your man at all, I;m going to ask questions to help you see him, as he is, without all the drama of your relationship, and all the feelings, said and unsaid, that stand between you. So, are you going to keep your man, or throw him back?
58 If you want to give your relationship a fair shot at becoming fantastic, you;re going to have to commit 100%, full-out, no matter what happens, no matter how you think it;s going, to doing the work. You;re going to have to face yourself fearlessly. How do you decide if he;s worth it? Start by asking yourself l do you still love him, even a little? If there;s anything left, write it down. I still love my man - this much: Then ask -- do you respect him, in any way, even a little? Look for areas you may not have thought about. Is he a good father? Is he a good driver? Does he work hard? Is he a good dancer? Does he show up on time? Write all these things down. Don;t even bother with the negatives. Most likely you;ve been living in the land of UHow awful he isV for quite a while, and we;re going to deal with that later.
59 I like my man for these qualities: I respect my man for these qualities: Look at your list. Think about it. Is there enough about him that you like, respect, maybe even love, that makes him more satisfactory than not? Note: If you are being physically abused, your man is ill. Nothing you like about him makes an abusive man satisfactory in any way. He is unacceptable. Please go directly to the phone or the Internet and find help in your area. The work you need to do is not toward saving your relationship, but toward saving yourself l so that you will never again tolerate being disrespected or abused.
60 Okay, if, objectively, your man, at this moment, is more satisfactory than not satisfactory, ask yourself: Am I willing to put my whole heart, mind, body and spirit into transforming my relationship? Will I commit to the Turn Your Relationship You Have into the Relationship You Want program for 4 weeks no matter what? You;ll see as you begin trying some of the techniques that things will change for the better very quickly. The clarity you;ll get from seeing these great results will motivate you to continue. At the beginning, you may have to Ufake it rtil you make itV l and you;ll still get many of the results you want. But to truly transform yourself and your relationship, it takes absolute, iron-will, total commitment that will carry you over the scary places real relationship and real intimacy take you. The scariness of intimacy is all part of what creates the passion. If Mr. Right is right around the corner, and he is, you;ll want to look at whether you;re welcoming him with open arms or really, no matter how much you say you want him, blocking his path. Unlike a relationship with a not-so-good guy, where the passion can come from feeling off balance and insecure most of the time, the passion in a relationship with a good,
61 steady, loving man comes from the exhilaration of being able to show your soul and be loved for it! To get the most out of this workbook, I encourage you to feel as though you were committed l or even to imagine yourself as totally committed l to the idea of relationship. Commit without any expectations. Instead of assessing the man you have, or the relationship you;re in, or the way your love life looks on a daily or weekly basis, make an appointment with yourself to revisit your commitment in 10 weeks. It;ll help you get more out of the 5 Keys, and keep you focused on the exercises.
62 CHAPTER 9 KEY #2 CHOOSE TO BE EITHER THE THINKING, ACTION-ORIENTED, DECISION-MAKING, GIVING, MASCULINE ENERGY PARTNER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, OR THE FEELING, EXPRESSING, SENSUAL, RECEIVING, FEMININE ENERGY PARTNER =Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are.A : Houssaye his may go against everything we;ve been taught about being equal in a relationship. In my model, men and women are equal in relationship l but we freely choose to come at it from different ways. Many years ago, when I was turning around my marriage, I read many books that helped me. Parenting books, Shirley Luthman;s wonderful book about Masculine and Feminine energy, Intimacy: The Essence of Male & Female, T
63 Shakti Gawain;s Living In The Light, books on Assertiveness Training for women, and Dr. Patricia Allen;s great works, Getting To I Do and Staying Married And Loving It, in which she goes deeply into the concept of Masculine and Feminine energy, its basis in psychological theory, and how it works and doesn;t in our relationships. More recently, the works of David Deida, especially his Dear Lover, can help you understand these concepts from a male point-of-view. All these books so changed my life that my own work is now completely devoted to helping women actually use these concepts. To break them down into bite-sized Tools we can easily follow, anytime and on our own. And here, Key #2 starts with Dr. Allen;s concept that a Relationship needs a Masculine energy partner and a Feminine energy partner l one of each, regardless of gender or who chooses which role. That you either wear the pants in the Relationship, or he does. And that you;re free to choose either role l but you can;t have both. In other words: One of you gets to be the Uboy,V and one of you gets to be the Ugirl.V
64 Do you know already which you;d like to choose? To help you make a choice, think about what you want in a relationship and what you want your man to be like. If what you want in a partner, or perhaps a husband, is a Masculine, respectable, stable John Wayne type -- someone who;ll cherish your feelings and adore you for just being who you are l then you have to choose to be the girl. If what you want in a partner is more a fun, sensitive, emotional and expressive fellow, you may want to choose to be the boy. How do you see your ideal partner in your ideal relationship? How do you see yourself in your ideal Relationship? Are you in action, handling things? Do you want to always be in control, keep the books, make the decisions, be respected for all that you do, and cherish your
65 man;s feelings ahead of your own? Then you;ll want to choose being the boy. Or are you surrendering to romance, allowing your man to treasure your feelings, concerning yourself with fun, your environment, taking time for yourself, allowing your man to be in action, handling things? Then you;ll want to be the girl. Take some time to write down the fantasy.
66 Where women are making a huge mistake today is in choosing to be the girl, and then taking the Masculine, actionoriented, take charge style we;ve earned the right to use out in the world and bringing it home, into our relationships, where it doesn;t belong. When you make this choice, you are making an agreement. You are agreeing to primarily carry the feminine energies in the relationship l which means that you are no longer called upon to nurture your man;s feelings, and that he assumes the Masculine pleasure of nurturing yours (we;ll talk a lot more about nurturing, later). In return, you agree to treat him with respect. You agree that he will primarily carry the Masculine, decisionmaking energies in the relationship. If you;ve chosen to be the boy in your relationship, you are agreeing that you will primarily cherish and consider your man;s feelings and he will primarily respect your role as the decision-making leader of the team. Further along in the course and the workbook, you;ll see how this works to everyone;s benefit, and how individual issues can be negotiated.
67 CHAPTER 10 KEY #3 SUPPORT THE TEAM =Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.A : Oprah Winfrey his seems obvious. Relationship is a team. A Marriage is a team. But often, this is the first thing that breaks down. A Relationship is a team with 3 members. There;s you, there;s him, and then there;s the relationship. As a couple, you create a brand new organism, with requirements and needs of its own. Some relationship problems can be solved simply by both of you considering the needs of the relationship. You both agree to give up a large part of the freedom of a single life in order to enter into a marriage or relationship team. You both give up romance with anyone else, you give T
68 up all kinds of small behaviors your partner can;t live with l smoking, or not bathing l you give up thinking only of yourself, you give up having no responsibility to anyone else. You give up complete independence for interdependence. Relationship makes you deal with emotional traumas from the past, with bad, learned habits and with instincts you;d rather not deal with l the urge to be dependent, to always have your way\ Supporting the Team is about honoring the cornerstone of Relationship l Friendship. A good place to start is: KNOWING YOUR PARTNER When you want to build a relationship with someone, you give energy to them. You;re interested in them. You learn about them l what makes them happy, what fascinates them, what irritates them. See if you can answer some basic questions about your man. What does he like for breakfast, for dinner? What does he like you to wear? How does he feel about his job? What upsets him most in life? Which is his favorite tie? What were the names of his childhood pets?
69 Where would he like to live if he could live anywhere? What car does he covet? What;s his favorite thing about being married? What is his biggest frustration about being married? When is his favorite time for sex? What;s his favorite sexual activity? WhatZs his all-time favorite movie? WhoZs the sexiest, most beautiful female movie star to him? What donZt you know about your partner that you wish you knew?
70 What do you wish he knew about you? A big mistake women make is in believing that we;re too powerful for men. That being lawyers and doctors is what;s keeping the love from our lives, that men can;t handle it. I believe just the opposite. Part of being UsatisfactoryV is that your man feels basically adequate. He;s essentially confident enough to be proud of what you do in the world, and he;s proud that you l a terrific woman l chose him. I believe he;s thrilled to have a crackerjack, smart, beautiful woman as his partner. What a Masculine Energy man can;t handle, can;t stand, and didn;t buy at your wedding or when he started seriously dating you, is to be sleeping, eating, driving with, and playing with another man in women;s clothing. What you do out in the world is completely different from how you are with him when you;re alone together.
71 He wants a woman who;s very interested in him l in both his mind and his body. A woman who accepts and loves and respects him, just as he is. A woman who can share her emotions and body with him. Confusing that kind of woman with a UbimboV is a big mistake. If what you want in a man is a more Feminine energy partner, then he;ll likely be more soft and cuddly, and he;ll be able to appreciate your strength and decisiveness within the Relationship. Supporting the team is about having a soul mate kind of Relationship l regardless of whether or not you believe right now that you;re with your soul mate. It;s about each person rooting for the other. It;s about complementary energies creating romantic and sexual fire and emotional intimacy. It;s about having an enduring, deep, safe place to become the best person you can be, emotionally, spiritually, physically. It;s devoid of competition. It;s concerned with the wellbeing of the relationship and not about being right. It;s about behaving like soul mates. It;s about believing in yourself and your partner and the relationship, and about having faith.
72 CHAPTER 11 SAY GOODBYE TO THE OLD NEGATIVES =The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.A : Thomas Merton ow often have you and your girlfriends sat around complaining about your husbands and boyfriends? We all have. There are things about men in general we don;t like, and things about our men in particular we find frustrating. And we also need to talk to our friends about our problems and get help. But chipping away at our partners either in our own heads or out in public undermines our sense of Relationship as a team. What we have to do is change our notions about men and the labels we give them. We need to begin to turn our energies toward our partners, instead of away. H
73 MEN ARE WONDERFUL LetZs start by listing the qualities you don;t like about men in general. Alright, now what do you like, appreciate, think is cool about men in general? How does it feel to focus on the second list, what you do like about men? Do you notice a difference in how you feel inside when you focus on this list instead of the first list? I;m going to ask you to keep this second list in mind. Whenever you think of referring to or find yourself picturing your husband or boyfriend as l something in the first list here l Stop. Take yourself back to the good list.
74 The first step of Key #4 is to reframe your opinion, or UperspectiveV of men in general. Now let;s look at your own man: YOUR MAN IS WONDERFUL Many women are stuck in a view of their husbands and boyfriends that won;t allow him to change into Prince Charming. Whenever you hear yourself criticizing and running down your man to yourself or a friend, Stop. Absolutely stop, and replace the negative thing you were about to say with something you really do like about him. So we;re going to find some of these things you like about him. Right now, you may not care at all about your husband or boyfriend as a person. You may be too angry or disappointed to care. ABOUT ANGER A little psychological background. Remember the circles l all of you as a big circle, and what you know about you in a smaller circle in the middle of the big one? Well, a lot of the space you don;t know about l your subconscious, the feeling stuck in your muscles and organs, energy patterns -- is filled with anger. There;s also pain -- and believe it or not, Joy!
75 For most of us, the huge well of anger is the most challenging to get at. Where men are more comfortable with anger than pain, we tend to be more comfortable with tears than anger. We can barely even acknowledge it. And it;s a fact that depression is merely anger turned inwards l to yourself. But the day to day anger we do know about l when we;re upset or frustrated or disappointed l we even suppress that. Suppressing and repressing anger can make us physically sick. Being nice and good when we;re feeling angry is enraging to our inner selves. Taking care of this part of ourselves is our first duty to our total health -- whether it;s soothing and calming it with some TLC, or shouting at it to be quiet for a moment while we get our wits about us. We know about much of the anger we feel toward our husbands, our boyfriends, all men. Sometimes we know we;re angry when we;re angry l but few of us have any idea of the magnitude of murderous rage that lives in that space we don;t know about. And most of it has nothing at all to do with our husbands, our boyfriends, or all men. But it has everything to do with how willing we are to love and to let love in.
76 CHAPTER 12 RECAPTURING APPRECIATION =If you judge people, you have no time to love them. : Mother Teresa ater, weZll talk about how you can make peace with this unknown rage and pain and get more of what you want in love. For now, let;s skip over all the anger l there;s enough to fill up every hour of every day if you let it cycle in and out of your thoughts. Just tell your anger you;ll get to it, but now you;ll just focus on how wonderful your man actually is. You may be surprised at what you come up with. Remember the Relationship Bliss exercise? This next exercise is the beginning of seeing not what you imagine, not what you dream, but what you actually do like about what actually is. We;re moving from imaginary to real. We;re going to be moving back and forth between these realms so that reality becomes rich with your imagination and what you can imagine becomes real. L
77 To start, this will help re-awaken your interest in your man, and help you recapture some affection and admiration for him. Write down at least three things or qualities about your partner that you do like and respect l that actually perk up your interest in him when you think about them. Let;s keep it in the present. . If this is hard l think about even the smallest thing that you like about him. Perhaps he;s a good father. Perhaps there are small, sweet things he does l the way he is with the kids, or with your relatives l something he does in the mirror. Perhaps you like his sense of humor, or think he;s smart about something. Perhaps he;s honest, he works hard. Now we;re going to bring these feelings of appreciation out, so your man can hear them. This can be very challenging. It may feel unnatural, because we;re so used to not appreciating what he does. Here;s an example: He takes his dinner dish into the kitchen.
78 In the past, you may have been hung up on the obvious question l Why doesn;t he just rinse the dish and put it in the dishwasher? l and said as much to him, and gotten nowhere. So this time, you;re going to forget about that and just honestly appreciate the very small thing: Wow. He brought his dish into the kitchen. And you say l UThank you.V What are some small things your man already does that you take for granted, or think are too puny to be acknowledged? Actions like changing the light bulb, or running the disposal, or putting gas in the car? What can you say to acknowledge these small things that feels genuine to you?
79 At first he may be suspicious l but I promise you that small thing will get to be a lot of small things, and then a lot of big things if you;ll just approach it from this small, truly appreciative way. An important note: This can;t be fake. This isn;t dog training, or man training, because that wouldn;t be respectful. Actually, you;re not training him l you;re training yourself. You;re training yourself to respond when he does something you like l no matter how small. =Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully, when you dare to be vulnerable.A : Dr. Joyce Brothers What are some more things from your lists that you can turn into honest expressions of appreciation, or something you like l perhaps his hair, or his suit, or how handsome he looks?
80 Remember a moment when you felt affectionate and fond. What was he doing? How did it feel? What about a time when you felt admiration? What was he doing? What did it feel like? What would it be like if you could feel that for him now?
81 CHAPTER 13 STOP WHAT ISNZT WORKING "Relationships : of all kinds : are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.": Kaleel Jamison he next element of Respecting the Masculine is more challenging. In fact, women have told me they can;t do it. They won;t do it. Even though they know it would help their Relationship, they say they just don;t want to. I ask you in advance to please keep an open mind and imagine how this might help you. Recently a friend who;d called to ask for help with her marriage told me she didn;t want to do this crucial element. T
82 She had an entire argument against it, saying the whole idea was not in her nature. UOkay,V I said. Then, the next day, she called out of the blue. UI think it;s working,V she said, her voice low. The fastest way to see immediate change in your Relationship is to: STOP WHAT ISN;T WORKING THE FOUR RULES FOR RESPECTING THE MASCULINE PARTNER Rule #1: DonZt try to control your partner. Rule #2: DonZt try to control the outcome. Rule #3: Stop yourself before you criticize, judge, advise, warn, coax, ask the ginnocent question,h or try to change him. Rule #4: Learn to take No for an answer.
83 It makes no difference what the particular issues are between you and your partner l sticking to these Four Rules will change your relationship. It will eliminate so many of your conflicts that there will be space for new, better, happier, more authentic communication. If you;ve chosen to be the Masculine energy partner in your relationship, your partner will need to be willing to adhere to these rules. If you;ve chosen to be the Feminine energy partner, and stick to these Rules and allow your husband or boyfriend to behave naturally, you will see results almost immediately. Okay, let;s talk about this. How does this work? Remember a recent conflict. Let;s see how using these rules would alter the conversation. 1. DonZt try to control your partner. If you live with a man, trying to control him might include saying things like Please take the garbage out now. Or I need you to change the light bulb, or pick up after yourself, or do what you said you;d do. Or, if you;re dating someone, saying things like Please call me more often, or You said you;d call yesterday, or I need you to do this or that, or I need to know this or that\
84 If you;re single and ready to begin a great relationship, this would include approaching a man in any way (Hi, haven;t we met?), inviting a man anywhere, offering your phone number before he asks, looking for a pen or paper to write your number on, driving him or meeting him anywhere, or in any way dampening his pursuit of you by doing it yourself. 2. DonZt try to control the outcome. An example of trying to do this might be:: You want to go on vacation to Alaska. And no matter what the discussion, you have brochures, you;re fighting for Alaska. Or, if you;re dating l offering to pay for anything, plan anything, get anything, do anything except lean over and unlock his car door after he;s opened the door for you. This is also about all that stuff that goes on in our heads involving the question Where is this relationship going? 3. Stop yourself before you: Criticize O Why are you doing this? Judge O You always do this, Advise O You really should do that, Warn O You shouldn;t do that, Coax O Oh, come on, do that, Ask the Innocent Question l How come you;re wearing that shirt and not the one I bought you? with a sweet smile on your face. This is almost the worst of all, because
85 it;s really an attack dressed up as if it isn;t l which is totally disrespectful just for being so obviously phony, or Try to change him. 4. Learn to take No for an answer. This means not responding to UNo;sV with demands for explanations or re-considerations, like: What do you mean you won;t come to dinner with me and my mother? But you % Why do you have to work? Look, you said%But it;s a good idea% You can see that the Four Rules will absolutely end almost all the UdramaV in your relationship. It cleans up the communication so you can start over. In fact, it may clean it up so well that you;ll begin experiencing a lot of silence. You;ll also notice less tension in the air. Your man will smile more. He;ll breathe easier. His heart will open. Now we;re going to talk about the first new communication technique that respects your partner. It;s about:
86 CHAPTER 14 LISTENING AT LEVELS 1 & 2 =Put love first.A : Mary Manin Morrissey evel 1 Listening is gItZs all about me.h Level 2 is gItZs all about you.h Listening to someone and then feeling heard by them is an unbelievable experience l and it;s very rare. Listening at Level 1 and 2 is a coaching technique I learned at Coaches Training Institute. I;ve adapted it here as a Tool that works almost instantly with almost anyone l and you;ll be amazed at how quickly your relationship with a man will shift once you get the hang of it. Most of us are at Level 1 all the time. Most of the time, we aren;t really listening, we;re thinking about ourselves l what we;re going to say next, what we think about the other person, that our pants are too tight, we have a pimple on our chin, anything but the person right in front of us. L
87 When we;re in a conversation with someone, and we;re thinking about how what that person is saying relates to us, we;re at Level 1. I may be sitting or standing here talking with you, but actually I;m all in my own head about me. Oh, that happened to me too! Or I wonder if he likes my hair or I wonder if he;ll ask me out. There is nothing wrong with Level 1 listening l in other words, being all about ourselves l except that it limits our ability to really relate to others. Level 2 listening is the complete reverse of Level 1. Imagine how, when you;re utterly in love with someone, all you can see is their face, all you can hear is their voice, all you can smell is their breath and cologne. Their words and the feelings they express are, in that moment, the most important things in the world to you. In fact, the only things in the world. When you listen to your man, really listen at Level 2, you will change your relationship. And as a result, he will change l almost overnight. A man you think you;re not attracted to might suddenly open up and become really attractive to you once you find out about him. To do this, just relax. Relax completely and be Uover there,V with him.
88 Let yourself go as though you no longer exist. Your thoughts are just passing through l you;re over there. You don;t have to talk, or smile, or do anything. Just listen. We;re going to practice Level 2 listening right now. In the seminar, we work in partners and the exercise goes like this: * Find yourself a partner, and turn your chairs toward one another. Introduce yourselves, please. And hold up your hand when you;ve decided who goes first. * Okay, if your hand;s in the air, you;ll be talking first. Talk at absolute Level 1, meaning, UIt;s all about me.V Talk about what you did today, or something that;s on your mind, anything, but talk to the other person as though your only job is to focus on yourself, and their only job is to focus on you. * Listeners, all you have to do is listen. Get comfortable. It doesn;t matter if you;re leaning forward or leaning back. Look at your partner. Look at her face, her eyes. Try to stay focused on her words. Really give yourself over to her completely. You are at Level 2 Listening, which is all about her l it;s over there.
89 If you notice your mind wandering back to l Oh, that happened to me too, or Yeah, I agree l which is Level 1 l shift back to her. When you;re really at Level 2, you;ll be completely immersed over there. Okay l go. * All right, now let;s reverse it. Listeners, talk about yourself, or something that happened to you, or something you;re thinking about, and pay absolutely no attention to what your partner is doing or thinking. Talkers, now it;s your turn to completely reverse the energy. Focus your complete attention over there, on your partner. * Okay l what did it feel like to listen like that? And what did it feel like to be listened to like that? Could you tell the difference between Level 1 and Level 2? If you;d like to work with a friend, by all means practice it the way we do in the workshop. If you are working alone, let;s do the exercise differently: Put yourself in front of a mirror. Imagine that you, in the mirror, are going to hang on every word you, in front of the mirror, say. Your mirror image will follow wherever your thoughts go, giving you total attention. Go ahead and talk about your day. Tell your image everything that happened to you today l the emotion of it, the detail of it, what was
90 important about it. Laugh, cry, say whatever comes to mind. Pay little or no attention to your mirror image. Now, when you finish up, think about how it felt to completely unload your mind and heart while your mirror image did nothing but listen. She did not interject, offer advice, even go uh-huh. If you imagine that you in the mirror were listening intently and compassionately, you may feel as heard, as light and unburdened as you would practicing with a partner. Now, in order to reverse it, we;ll do without words altogether. Look at yourself in the mirror, and become completely absorbed in your image;s eyes, hair, nose, mouth, smile l with this important agreement: You must pretend that this mirror image is someone else. In this way, you can look at the mirror image;s hair and notice that it has gray in it, or curl, or a highlight, without thinking about it. In other words, as soon as you say to yourself Oh, I have to color my roots, you;ve moved back to Level 1 Listening. Your job is to observe with attention and compassion the qualities of the face in front of you, and to commune instinctively with the emotions conveyed by the face and the person in front of you. You are to forget that the image in the mirror is you.
91 Try this for a few minutes and see what it feels like. It may feel like a mental vacation. A moment to observe and feel without thinking. Without bringing your observations back to yourself. Now take what you;ve experienced and practice it out in the world. I encourage you to practice, practice, practice. Practice with your boyfriend or your husband, your children, your friends, your relatives, and total strangers. Practice and notice when you go back to Level 1. The more you do it, the more natural it will become to listen at Level 2.
92 CHAPTER 15 WHAT IS FEMININE ENERGY? =To love at all is to be vulnerable.A : C.S. Lewis eminine energy is the exact opposite of the high octane, going and doing, stress-led life. It;s about intuition, sensuality, fun, feeling, expressing. If Masculine energy is about doing, Feminine energy is about being. So, what would it be like to just be? This takes us to the core of the whole Uself-esteemV issue for women. THE VOICE =I have spent hours completely involved in what I thought other people wished to see me doing. The fear of hurting, fear of authority, the need for love have put me in the most hopeless situations. I have suppressed my own desires and wishes and, ever eager to please, have done what I thought was expected of me.A : Liv Ullman The negative, overly careful, seemingly rational and reasonable words you;ve heard since you were a child are now in your own head. They hold us back from going after what F
93 we want and from trusting ourselves. They have some of us so tight we can;t even imagine what it would be like to be loved, just for ourselves l without having to do anything. We hear an inner voice shouting at us with those words that spark fear and hesitation: You can;t, you shouldn;t, you mustn;t, you aren;t good enough, you;re not beautiful enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, you don;t deserve to feel good or have a great relationship, all the good men are taken, you;re stuck, he;ll never change, it;ll always be the way it is. This is the UVoice.V For now, let;s treat it as a habit l a bad habit. And let;s just simply ignore it. Don;t even dialogue with the ugly Voice in your head. Just as you;ll Stop yourself before you run down your mate or your date with negative labels, you;ll Stop yourself before you run down you. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT BEING A WOMAN? Let;s take a moment and imagine it l what would it be like to trust yourself, to be loved just for being yourself? What;s it like to love being a woman? Of course you love being a woman. Or do you? Let;s start with the same kind of lists we made about men.
94 What are some things you donZt like about being a woman? Some examples might be: Not making as much money as a man for the same job, being thought of as weaker\ Now what are some of the things you adore about being a woman? Some examples: Wearing beautiful and soft (even transparent!) clothes, showing emotions, having babies\ You can probably guess where I;m going with this. I encourage you to choose to focus on this second list, the things you adore about being a woman. Pick something out of this list, and create a structure for it. If you like dressing up, put your favorite necklace out where you can see it, or wear it to remind yourself what you like about being a woman.
95 Take a look at the list. How do you feel when you read through it, imagine it? In the same way you worked through the perfect relationship fantasy, be open to good feelings when you look at this list. Focus on what you uniquely love about being a woman. If you want to, fantasize about a gorgeous wardrobe or whatever you love that says UwomanV to you. If you feel great right away, terrific. If it takes a minute to feel happy, feel a smile on your face and your body loosen up, take the time. Connecting to what it is you love about being a woman is connecting to your power source l Feminine energy. Ground yourself in this. If it;s manicures that turn you on, consider the act (real or imagined) of getting a manicure a structure for returning to this feeling any time you want. If it;s a ball gown, use that image for a structure. If it;s sex and babies, use that image. Whatever makes you feel womanly, that;s a way to get in touch with your powerful Feminine energy. Choose to love yourself simply because you are a woman l no deserving or earning required. Later on, you;ll see how this is the way your husband or boyfriend wants to love you, and the way you;re going to begin to allow him to love you. For simply being, and acting like, a woman.
96 Know that every time you take a even a baby step in a positive direction, your nasty Voice may jump in to put a damper on your spirits. Be prepared. Be brave. If you don;t give the Voice energy, it will slowly lose its hold over you. So just ignore it. Say UThank you for sharing, and I;m going to move on.V Then move on. If you;ve chosen to be the Masculine partner in your relationship, you enjoy being respected at home for your intelligence. If your partner wants this job, too, you;ve no doubt been butting heads. Discuss this with him. Show him this workbook, and tell him what you want. Ask if he;d be willing to let you make all the decisions, if he;d respect your thinking, and if he;d be interested in taking on the more feminine aspects of creating a fun, sexy, sensual life together. The fact that you both work, or the reality of who makes the most money, has absolutely nothing to do with the dynamics of what goes on at home. Remember l if you choose to carry primarily the Masculine energy in your relationship, then you must stop trying to get your husband or boyfriend to Uact like a man,V and you must begin listening to, treasuring, and considering his feelings ahead of your own.
97 If you;ve chosen to be the Feminine energy partner, it means you are agreeing that you will primarily carry the feelings in the relationship, and that he will primarily carry the thinking aspects of the relationship. You feel, and he thinks. This doesn;t mean you never think, or have opinions, or do a great many things more competently and efficiently than he can simply because of your abilities. It means that making decisions, using his brainpower l even if it means delegating tasks to you as the more able partner l is what he wants respect for. It means he takes your feelings into consideration, but he is the accepted leader of the team. If your ideal Relationship is more of a free-form dance l with Masculine and Feminine energies moving and changing fluidly l than a traditional dance with the man leading, you can work toward that. That kind of fluidity comes as men and women mature, and as a result of an environment of trust and ease. My goal in this workbook, and in my seminars and personal coaching, is to help you move from an environment of competition and conflict into an environment of respect and cherishing of feelings. From there, nearly anything can be negotiated.
98 CHAPTER 16 WHAT DO I FEEL? =%And the trouble is, if you don;t risk everything, you risk even more.A : Erica Jong FINDING FEELINGS xpressing the Feminine is expressing feelings. The first step to expressing feelings is to know what you;re feeling. Finding authentic feelings sounds simple, but it;s not. Most of what we think of as feelings are just learned, habitual patterns of covering up our real feelings. Sometimes we think we;re mad, when really we;re hurt. Or we;re embarrassed, but covering it up. Sometimes we think we feel hurt and we really want to tell our husbands and boyfriends we;re hurt, when actually we;re simply frustrated. at our inability to control our men;s behavior and the course of the relationship. E
99 This is something we;re striving to stop by sticking to the Four Rules and staying in touch with our real feelings. Not only do we need to learn to dig up our real feelings, we need to learn to express them in ways our husbands and boyfriends can hear. We;re going to start small, and simply. Let;s try this technique right now for getting in touch with feelings: 1. Shake out your arms and legs. 2. Now stand or sit still. Settle yourself down into yourself. You can keep your eyes open or closed. 3. Breathe l when you exhale, let sound come out. Imagine the chatter in your head dropping down into your body. Imagine it dissolving as the energy from all the noise in your head comes down, into your neck, into your heart, into your stomach, into your pelvis. Let it hang around as low as you can tolerate. 4. Breathe into your body as low as you can, and let the breath fill the space of your body more and more. Feel yourself expand to accommodate the energy. and let it fill the space more and more. Thank your body for expanding. 5. Ask yourself for a feeling. Keep asking, until you get an answer that;s an emotion or a sensation l the basic