100 emotions are: Mad, sad, glad and afraid. And then there;s terror, anguish, joy, sexual excitement, silliness, embarrassment l anything that has to do with you and no one else. A sensation could be UMy stomach feels tight. I;m cold. My chest is in knots.V Did you locate a feeling or a sensation? The next step is: PUTTING WORDS TO THE FEELING Most of us are just fine stuffing down our feelings. Until we finally try to give voice to the feelings and they come out all haywire. They come out as accusations, complaints, whining, drama l often bigger than the feeling we actually started with l and our boyfriends and husbands are often unprepared to deal with them. Then they get defensive or back away. Then we get angry because we don;t feel heard. The truth is, often, we can;t be heard because we;re not really expressing a feeling. Instead, what we;re expressing is an opinion, a need, a request for help. And often we;re telling them exactly what
101 would solve our frustration and discontent. In effect, we;re telling them to do something. And they can;t hear that. We believe this is helpful information for them. We believe we are expressing ourselves, but we are actually either attacking them or telling them what to do. Either way, what your mate or date will most likely do is shut down. If your man is shutting down during discussions, he is becoming flooded with emotion. He is overwhelmed by it. Believe it or not, he is much more sensitive than you are to emotion, and past a certain point, he shuts down. It;s not his fault. It;s the way men are built. But men can learn to handle your feelings. Instinctively, they want to cherish your feelings. They are constitutionally able to love it when you express your feelings. They can even handle you crying or screaming. It;s all about the language you use, and the authenticity with which you use it. Men can hear real feelings l they can hear you cry, and say ouch, they can hear that you;re really angry. They want to know what;s going on inside us, because that;s their connection to the expression of feeling l through intimacy with us l and they want us to be happy.
102 It;s important to men that what we say and the expression on our faces match our real feelings l if you;ve ever seen anyone smile when they;re really angry you know how difficult that is to understand and relate to. And it;s important for us to get our feelings out as they come up, not just for communication;s sake, but for our own health. Bottled-up feelings make us sick. If your interactions are ending with you becoming angry or upset and your man shutting down and withdrawing l over and over again l learning to Put Words to Feelings and the next sections on Negotiating will immediately work. We;re going to practice putting words to the simple, basic feeling, and scrupulously and absolutely avoid even mentioning your man in the process. Even if you are infuriated with something he did, even if you;re enraged, feeling murderous, you are talking only about you l your feelings and sensations. I want to encourage you to practice trusting that he can hear you. I promise you that over time, he will. As you learn to express feelings as they come up, there will be less and less anger stored up and less and less venting in the relationship. Now I;m going to ask you to begin saying the feelings you;ve come up with in the Finding Feelings exercise. Try
103 beginning with UI feel\V or UI like the way this feels,V or UI don;t like the way this feels.V These are very helpful starter words. Write down what comes to you. I feell Most of the time, this is all you want and need to do l express feelings in words. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it;s true. You express your feelings, and give him a chance to respond. But sometimes you actually want something l maybe more of what you already have, or you;re not content and want something different. Sometimes you want your husband or boyfriend to do something for you. And most important l sometimes you just don;t want something. This is the beginning of a negotiation:
104 PUTTING WORDS TO THE DON;T WANT A big mistake we women make is in answering the question What do you want? with something along the lines of I wish my husband would%. You can fill in the blank with a lot of things l Pay more attention to me, take out the garbage, listen to me, take better care of himself, be a better lover, stop watching sports on TV, tell me he loves me, tell me how he sees our relationship% and on and on\. Wanting someone else to change is not the same as Wanting for yourself. Wanting is I want affection, I want more rest, I want sex, I want peace of mind, I want to be married, I want kids, I want to feel good. Or l even more important for communication l it could be a Don;t want: I don;t want to worry about money, I don;t want to clean the house, or type letters, or wash dishes by myself, or be alone night after night, I don;t want to wait for you, I don;t have sex unless I;m in an exclusive relationship% This is very powerful l saying No to what you don;t want. I use this more than anything in my household. It
105 makes me feel empowered, and yet is completely about me. There;s no confrontation, no bad feelings, no attacking. I;m just saying No. The challenge for most of us in saying No to anyone l our children, salespeople, our friends, our boss, our men, is the fear and guilt we have about disappointing anyone. Anyone at all. We;re afraid they won;t like us anymore. Afraid they;ll leave us. Afraid they;ll be angry. Many of us cannot stand any kind of conflict. We cannot tolerate anyone else;s discomfort, especially on our behalf. We must learn to say No in a simple, straightforward and respectful way l one baby step at a time. One small No at a time. If this book can help you to say, in simple, direct words, and with simple, authentic feeling, what you do not want to do and what you do not want in your life l your life will change completely, inside and out, without any major conflicts, upsets, or dramatic confrontations. I know it;s possible. I;ve done it myself.
106 Learning to say No is one of the clearest messages of self-esteem and self-love a woman can express. It is one of the most attractive qualities any woman can possess. A woman who can say No is a woman a man can trust. The essence of Feminine energy in a relationship is Vulnerability and Authenticity. Allowing yourself to be seen exactly as who you are. Even if you believe you have self-esteem issues, even if you;re really angry, you can start small by expressing a small authentic feeling or sensation. This will make you feel braver for the next time and next time and pretty soon you;ve built a new habit. And your Voice will be quieter and your self-esteem will go up. You can see that this is way more profound than wanting your husband or boyfriend to take the garbage out. And though it may seem to you easier to just ask, over and over again, for him to take the garbage out, the truth is l that doesn;t work.
107 Take some feelings you;ve written down from the first exercise and turn them into expressions of Don;t Wants: I feel\\\.. I don;t want\\\ I feel\\.. I don;t want\\. Now we;re going to put together the tools you;ve learned so far l into a negotiation.
108 CHAPTER 17 REQUESTING AND NEGOTIATING =It is better to break one;s heart than to do nothing with it.A : Margaret Kennedy efore you begin any conversation or negotiation, look at the Four Rules for Respect. Make sure you;re clear on the reasons for talking with him at all about this. Are you simply sharing and expressing your feelings, and hoping in good faith that between you something can be worked out? Or do you have a specific agenda l do you want something from him? The key to negotiating is to know that you can;t make someone else do what you want them to do. You can;t control anyone else, and trying just creates conflict and tension. Respecting your partner by not trying to manipulate him into giving you what you want is crucial to setting the relationship right. It takes a lot of self-control to keep from doing every clever thing you can think of to get your way. B
109 As soon as your partner starts getting that you are not going to try to bully or manipulate him, he will surprise you by beginning to act in a more caring way l more like a man A note: Even if what you;re expressing is a simple desire l UI want to go mountain climbing,V UI want to go to Paris,V UI want a big house,V the first thing his mind may go to is that you;re not happy. And he wants you to be happy. He may instantly try to talk you out of your desire. Perhaps because he;s used to being on the defensive. LetZs look at the elements of a negotiation for a woman who chooses to be the Feminine energy partner: 1. Timing One of the biggest mistakes women make is picking a bad time to talk. If you;re not sure l ask. Make an appointment. 2. Start with a Feeling Take a breath and express your feelings and your Want or Don;t Want. Then ask him what he thinks.
110 Remember this is an expression of feeling l which is totally different from an accusation, or a statement of how disappointed you are in him. For any and all conversations or potential conflicts, this is the script: I feel%... What do you think? I don;t want% What do you think? I don;t like%.What do you think we should do? This is the way all these kinds of interactions should go. You express, and ask what he thinks. Sooner or later he will catch on, he;ll step up to the plate, and he will adore you for it. Don;t pretend or try to be nice l if you;re feeling angry or hurt, express it. He can tell that you;re upset. Smiling and pretending you feel fine isn;t just not authentic, and therefore not intimate l it;s confusing. He can tell your insides and outside don;t match. What you want is congruency l matching up your words, your feelings, your expression and your body-language l so there;s no doubt where you;re coming from. The Finding Feelings exercise will help you with this. Putting Words to your Feelings, Wants and Don;t Wants will help him know what to do to please you. Keep in mind l he may be so used to being told about his shortcomings that he;s built a wall to keep himself from hearing you at all.
111 Be prepared by committing to being as simple and authentic as possible. If you can, try starting with very small Don;t wants l about everyday movies and dinner destinations. Save the big discussions for when you;ve built some experience, trust and ease into the negotiating process. Remember that men are easily overloaded. They get flooded and shut down when they can;t handle all the emotional input. So take it slow. Start easy. Start small. Masculine energy wants results. Feminine energy is not about results. You are about expressing. You;re going to have to have faith that the results you really want and need will happen l but for now, forget all about having a goal in mind. I know this is the opposite of everything you;ve ever heard. Forget goal setting. Forget results. Just express. 3. Listening If you;ve asked what he thinks, really listen to him at Level 2. 4. Resolving Sometimes there;s a plan you can agree to, sometimes it;s left hanging. Learn to live with lack of closure. If you learn to accept uncertainty and the fact that not everything will always be buttoned down and handled just when you
112 want it to be, you;ll open yourself up to some wonderful surprises. 5. Saying No Sometimes the plan he;s come up with, even after consulting and considering your feelings, isn;t what you want, and you have to say No. For the Feminine energy partner, Saying No is the balance to the Masculine energy partner;s decision making. Don;t say No lightly. But if you have to, stick to your guns. Don;t be wishy-washy because you;re afraid of angering your husband or boyfriend or of making him unhappy. It is not your responsibility as the Feminine Energy partner to concern yourself with whether your man is happy when you express your feelings. It;s the Masculine Energy partner;s job to care about your feelings. If your man is not consulting and considering your feelings before making decisions, you must negotiate this! Start with finding out if it;s a good time to talk. If it is, you might say UI;m feeling uncomfortable. Something;s really bothering me, and it;s something that;s important to me. I want to be a part of the process when you;re making a decision that concerns both of us. I don;t want to be left out. What do you think we should do?V
113 Imagine a common conflict between you and your husband or boyfriend. Imagine how it might play out using these negotiation tools. Write down the conversation. If you;re not happy with an answer, cross it out and try another. You;ll find some patterns that you can use almost as scripts l to fit nearly any occasion. Remember to stick to the Four Rules. Remember to stick to expressing, and to stop if you find yourself talking about him at all. Allow the discussion to play out, and if you find something funny, go ahead and laugh.
114 CHAPTER 18 BEING A GIRL Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. =Pooh!A he whispered. =Yes, Piglet?A =Nothing,A said Piglet, taking Pooh;s paw. =I just wanted to be sure of you.A : A.A. Milne o far weZve talked mostly about respecting and communicating. I want to emphasize again l this is not a return to the docile woman of the 50;s. There is nothing docile about being a girl. Being a girl means you have total regard for yourself, and will not compromise about the way you;re treated. The most important task for women today, and the piece of the puzzle that we;ve all steadily lost touch with, is re-learning how to simply be. If Masculine energy is about doing, then Feminine energy is about being. So what;s it like to just be? S
115 Being a Girl means treasuring and believing in our feelings, trusting our intuition, surrendering to our sense of what;s right for us. It means experiencing our emotions and allowing others into our emotional lives. Just being is magnetizing rather than pursuing, intuiting rather than thinking. It is often about Not doing. Not trying to please others, Not trying to manage situations, Not performing or pretending. Being genuine and authentic requires the stomach for really looking at deep issues, feelings, patterns and lies that are at the bottom of our urges to pretend and perform l even when that;s not what will best serve us or anyone else. I once saw a totally marvelous woman on a reality TV competition fold during a presentation. She choked. Instead of deeply preparing for her presentation, which was her agreed-on task, she used her energy worrying about what everyone else was doing. When it came time for her to show her heart for the presentation, she was tied up in knots. If we look at our emotions as though they were on a vertical line l with ecstatic joy up at the top in the stratosphere and unspeakable pain at the bottom, deep underground, most of us hover somewhere in the middle. To me, going upwards into joy feels like a liberating, flying,
116 floating experience, and going down into anguish feels like literally going down the tubes. It may feel differently to you. To find the real treasure of Ourselves, we have to be willing to follow our feelings down the tubes as well as into the stratosphere. We have to be willing to take a look at what we only think is the ugliest part of ourselves. Our UdarkV side may seem dark, but it;s only different from the part we think of as Ulight.V All the parts of our personalities and psyches together make up our wholeness, and judging any one of them to be Unot worth allowing outV is the big lie most of us have operated under for most of our lives. The process of taking care of yourself and discovering your own power sometimes takes you up, and sometimes down. But the sure thing is, you can;t go any higher up than you;re able to go down l because what holds you back is the same fear. This process liberates you, one feeling moment of your life at a time. Even though you may not yet feel safe exposing your deepest emotional self to your man, even a small start will make a huge difference. Men marry for intimacy, but they don;t know how to achieve it. Men look to women to chart the course. It;s up to us to be brave enough to start.
117 CHAPTER 19 OVERFUNCTIONING =A masculine man can;t fall in love when he receives, only when he gives.A : Dr. Patricia Allen verfunctioning is doing too much. It;s doing more than your fair share, doing other family members; work, and helping where no help is needed. It;s stepping in when you know you could do a better job, stepping up to rescue someone, jumping in to save the situation. How did we find ourselves here? If we choose, and remember, this is a choice, to be the Feminine energy partner in the relationship, and then continually take Masculine energy home with us, we completely deprive our men of the pleasure of being men. We make it unrewarding for them to act like men, and they become lazy and complacent and vaguely resentful and O
118 stop trying to make us happy. They opt out of Masculinity, hand it over to us, and let us do it all. You can see how this leads to chronic conflict. In a huge effort to keep everything in the household, the relationship, and our daily lives running along smoothly, and in an even bigger effort to keep our resentment and anger quiet and hidden, we Overfunction. Let;s take a look at how you;re Overfunctioning l Do you find yourself picking up after everyone, or taking all the dishes in all the time, or doing your husband or boyfriend;s chores because he forgot, or generally acting like Superwoman? NURTURING IS MASCULINE We all l men and women both -- think of nurturing and caring for our young, our spouses, parents, friends, relatives and others whom we assist, guide, teach or help in some way, as a feminine aspect of ourselves. It isn;t. This is a huge issue for women. Nurturing and caring for others may seem to be a female trait l motherhood is certainly female, and yet so much of motherhood is about action! Nurturing is about Doing. Giving. Your energy goes out
119 of you and toward or into someone else. When you give, you are acting from a Masculine energy place. Feeling compassion, connection, love, sensual delight in the way your baby feels to your touch, excitement at the way your lover feels to your touch l is completely different from reaching over and picking the baby up when it cries, from driving the kids to school, from reaching over and massaging your husband or boyfriend;s back when he never massages yours, from starting the conversation with a man you;ve never met because he seems too shy to take the first step, from soothing a man when his feelings are hurt by you or anyone else. Feeling and Being is totally different from Doing. There is nothing wrong with Doing. We all are a mix of Masculine and Feminine energies, the Feeling and the Thinking, the Being and the Doing. The kids need to get to school, and the baby needs to be fed. But the man doesn;t need to have his back or his feelings massaged. At our best, we move back and forth fluidly between Masculine Doing energy and Feminine Being energy. At our worst, we become stuck in one or the other. Most of us experience ourselves stuck in Masculine energy. We;ve taken
120 on the Doing of the world l in fact many of us feel as though we are actually holding up our world. Because we are so accustomed to the idea of nurturing being feminine, we become confused. We think being loving to our men means nurturing them. We completely miss the joy of loving our men by experiencing them. Experiencing men, like experiencing a sunset, or a walk in the forest, or a work of art, or childbirth, or rain, or sex requires that we let go of the urge to Do: To photograph the sunset, to hike through the forest, to write about the art, to push the baby out, to dodge the rain, to work toward an orgasm. And we;ve forgotten how to let go. Our minute-byminute need to keep our profoundest and seemingly darkest feelings hidden blocks all feeling. A running commentary from our minds becomes our normal sense of experience. But it doesn;t have to be that way. Baby steps of practicing experiencing feelings will take you further than any amount of trying to force a breakthrough. When directed toward men, our nurturing energies are often perceived as mothering. Our actions seem intrusive. We seem to be judging men and finding them coming up
121 short l otherwise, why would they need taking care of? On the other hand, they love attention. Don;t we all? To help you strike some sort of balance when we are all so mightily out of balance, I;m asking you to pull back to zero. To at least imagine pulling back to zero. The baby steps you take may seem huge. I;m asking you stop doing for your man and your family what they don;t really need you to do. Even though he;s grown accustomed to your doing so much and may resent your not doing it anymore, your man will absolutely find himself relieved that you;ve stopped doing it. What are some of the ways you Overfunction in your relationship? Write them down. Overfunctioning can be about wanting to be appreciated, wanting attention and respect. But does it work?
122 Do we get appreciation? No. It doesn;t work because attention, appreciation and respect are what the Masculine Energy wants l and as long as your husband or boyfriend wants to be the Masculine Energy partner in the relationship, you;re not going to get appreciation and respect for what you do inside the relationship. So Stop. Just stop. Instead, Step Back and start being cherished for what you are. This is what your husband or boyfriend wants : to adore you for who and what you are. Write down some thoughts about how you want to be appreciated. Overfunctioning can be about not appreciating yourself enough to have reasonable boundaries. It;s the classic self-esteem issue of feeling you can only be loved if you earn it. By serving, by being nice and good. And we can pass this on to our daughters. We think we;re passing on good knowledge about how to get along.
123 The truth is that the best role model for our daughters is a mother who knows her worth as a woman and is comfortable with it. A mother who does not tolerate subpar treatment and sub-par loving from men. How are you not appreciating yourself? What are you tolerating that isn;t good for you or that you don;t like or don;t want? The best way to begin the process of ending your Overfunctioning is to sit down, make a list of all the things you;re doing, and prioritize. Obviously, someone has to get the kids to school and soccer practice. But somewhere on that list you;ll find a cutoff line l where the world won;t fall
124 apart if you stop doing stuff. It may get a little messy, but it won;t collapse. Write that list now. Write down everything you feel responsible for doing and getting done and making happen in your relationship, or relationships you;ve had in the past and in your household. Number them by priority: 1 l Really important and usually urgent; 2 l Somewhat important, can slide sometimes; 3 l You know, I;m not sure I really have to be in charge of this one all the time; 4 l What in the world am I doing spending my energy on this all the time? The Overfunctioning List
125 Ask yourself What do I need to say No to? What would I like to say Yes to?
126 When you begin saying No and stop Overfunctioning, you may get initial grumbling from your man, and from everyone in your household. Can you live with that? Sure you can. HereZs how: 1. Keep to the Four Rules for Respect. 3. Continue to express your feelings as they come up. 4. DonZt give in to the Voice and start explaining or defending yourself. 4. DonZt demand anything from yourself or anyone else. 5. Trust your partner and your family. 6. Appreciate what your partner does to pick up the slack. 7. Tolerate imperfection. 8. Practice expecting to be adored, and you will be.
127 Saying No to what you don;t want in order to be able to say Yes to what you do want will make an amazing difference l not only in the relationship, but in the way you feel about yourself. You;ll begin to see that some of your resentment and anger isn;t about him at all. You may be jealous of some freedom or flexibility he has. As soon as you get that your feelings are about you not taking care of yourself, your resentment will fade and you;ll get determined to find those Nos and Yeses and follow through. As a relationship coach, part of my job is to hold you accountable for accomplishing the goals you set for yourself. You may want to create a buddy system with a friend who;d like to work on her own Overfunctioning. It works like this: Each of you chooses three things to say No to from your lists, and then you hold each other accountable for actually not doing those three things. With every other woman around you despairing that there;s not enough time to do everything that needs doing, your small support system will be the antidote to Overfunctioning.
128 CHAPTER 20 VULNERABILITY =I only know the answer doesn;t lie in learning how to protect yourself from life. It lies in learning how to strengthen yourself so you can let a bit more of it in.A :Merle Shain ow weZre moving to the part where it gets really scary and really exciting. Once you set boundaries, once you stop controlling and start appreciating and expressing your feelings, you;re going to feel exposed and vulnerable. That;s how it;s supposed to be. And that;s what;s at the bottom of all that controlling. We;re so terrified of being vulnerable and exposed, so terrified of being intimate, of being married, that we run in the other direction. We feel compelled to control everything in the relationship. N
129 That;s why we pick losers, or men we;re not really attracted to, or men who don;t want us, or are not ready for a relationship, or no men at all l or push away the men we have who;ve already demonstrated their commitment to us by marrying us. If having boundaries means standing up for yourself in a simple, straightforward, and respectful way, Surrender is about melting. If you;re dating, it;s even scarier because you have no way of knowing what;s going to happen. You have no way of knowing whether you have a future with this man. By surrendering, you;re saying you can;t control the outcome and you;re not going to try. Here are some powerful questions for you to think about and write about: What would it be like to just be? What would happen if I let go of trying to control or manage my husband or boyfriend and his behavior?
130 What are some of the things (reminding him, asking him to do things over and over, etc.) that I might be comfortable letting go of? The way to step into authenticity and vulnerability is not to change your man so that you can trust him, but to learn to trust yourself first. This next exercise is a meditation. I call it simply a Sensual Meditation. The idea is to actually experience a new level of openness and vulnerability that might help you, anytime you want, to answer those questions on an ongoing basis. SENSUAL MEDITATION When you practice this, you may want to be alone in your home, or at least alone in your bedroom, and feel safe that no one will enter. Wear as little clothing as comfortable. Lie down on your bed. Spread your arms out to the sides and relax your legs. Bring your awareness to the air around you, the air touching your face, your hands, your feet.
131 Breathe in and allow your body to meet the air around you as it rises with your breath. Consciously relax into the bed. Feel yourself melting, like candle wax, onto the bed. If your head is filled with thoughts and chatter about the day, or about how you feel doing this, just let them go. Sink your awareness into your body, and how relaxed and molten it;s getting. Take your breath into each part of your body that you notice l your neck, shoulders, stomach, thighs. Imagine that the air around you, and the sun or moon outside your window, are touching you, literally. Allow your body to make contact with them. Keep breathing, keep melting. Allow your heart to expand to meet and take in the air around you, and at the same time, allow the energy flowing from the ends of your fingers to move outward toward the walls of the room, past the walls, so that it feels as if you;re being touched by more and more air, more and more space. Do this as often as you like, and as you become more comfortable, expand the experience even more by going without any clothes at all. Allow the air, the light, the energy in the room to touch you. Let the touch become more intimate, until you feel almost as though you;re melting and floating away at the same time.
132 Take some time to write down some of the sensory details of this experience. Try to express on paper the colors, sensations, textures, atmosphere of the meditation. The more you do this, the deeper you;ll be able to go. If youZre willing, you can take it a step further, into a Sexual Meditation: THE FANTASY LOVER Here, the process is the same. Only this time you bring your husband or boyfriend, or your favorite movie star, or a fantasy man, through your imagination, into the room with you. Imagine him being there. Take your time looking at him, and using the breathing, relaxing and expanding techniques, let him get as close to you as you can tolerate.
133 Imagine that he is very passionate, very sweet and loving with you, that the look in his eyes excites you. Go very slowly, allowing your imagination to take over, allowing your husband or boyfriend to take on the persona of the man of your dreams, allowing yourself to respond. Only go as far as you enjoy l if your mind intervenes with anger, or other thoughts, and you are unable to let them go, stop for now and instead process the feelings that are coming up. As an alternative idea, bring in a fantasy lover that is not your husband or boyfriend. Allow yourself to go as far out, and as deep inside yourself as you can tolerate, allowing the sexual aspect of the meditation to go as far as you can tolerate. This exercise is about becoming a more sexual, sensual being on your own. Whatever you open up in yourself through these meditations becomes yours. The new energy you;ve experienced on your own will transform your relationship beyond sex . Bring this experience into other parts of your life. When you touch any object, become aware of your arm, and how it;s moving through the air, how it meets the energy of the object, how you;re moving through space.
134 When you have sex with your husband or boyfriend, breathe and melt in the same way, and allow your energy to experience the energy of his touch. Instead of trying to accomplish anything, respond to him by simply being. This is very different than being sleepy and just lying there. Opening your heart, breathing, melting, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to his eyes, ears, and touch is extraordinarily sensual. And if it;s new to you, it;s also an act of bravery.
135 CHAPTER 21 WELLBEING =Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.A : Mother Teresa ealth is a real issue for women. If we don;t get enough rest, if we;re stressed out and burned out, if our hormones are out of whack, we can;t relax, can;t be, and can;t respond. We just keep moving, keep doing, keep ignoring the lack of satisfaction in our daily lives. I encourage you to assemble a team of health practitioners in your life l western medical doctors, holistic doctors, herbalists, wherever your research and references from people you trust takes you. Your team should be experienced with all the newest research and trends in women;s health, so that you can eat well, take the best supplements, and treat your body right. I encourage you to be a participating member of your health team. H
136 Use your body wisely l exercise, meditate, stretch, breathe. Practice being sensually present l feel your surroundings, listen to people you know and care for, and listen to strangers you meet. Listen for birds, listen for children and music, and most of all, listen for the voice of your own heart. Your emotions are your compass in the world. Tune out the chatter in your head by allowing what you feel l really, literally feel, touch, hear, see and taste in the present moment l to fill your life. Try this portable version of the Sensual Meditation: Take it with you everywhere. Do it at the market, waiting in line at the DMV, sitting at the PTA meeting, at Speed Dating, at the movies. You can use it while you;re waiting in your car to pick up your children, waiting for your date to arrive, washing the dishes, talking across the table on a first date or in the middle of a potential argument with your man. Anytime you feel yourself caught up in the chatter of your head, or split in a million different directions trying to
137 multi-task. Anywhere you can take a moment to breathe and focus on what;s right in front of you: PORTABLE SENSUAL MEDITATION Put your hand on the table, or chair, or shopping basket, or whatever is in front of you. Feel the surface of it. Run your hand along it. Take a deep breath and then let the air out. Now just allow yourself to feel the piece of furniture or the object l wood, plastic, metal, glass. Stay connected to the object and the feeling of realness, of solidity. You may instantly feel all the chatter in your head stop and the energy from your thoughts move into your hand and the real thing you;re touching. Don;t worry if the feeling only lasts for an instant. That;s all you need. Now hold the other arm gently out to the side, away from your body just a bit. Let it hang in the air. Imagine the air touching your arm, caressing it, imagine the light in the room touching you. Allow it to touch the skin of your arm. Take a breath and allow the air to touch your face. Close your eyes for a second and allow the air, and the sound of people;s voices to touch you. That;s it.
138 This is a small, simple thing you can do anytime. If you can do even a little of that in public, imagine what you can do alone, in your bedroom, all by yourself, with no clothes on! Here are some questions for you to write about: Where can I take better care of myself physically? What am I tolerating emotionally, physically, spiritually that I don;t want and isn;t good for me?
139 CHAPTER 22 THE RORI RAYE MANTRA: Trust Your Boundaries Follow Your Feelings Choose Your Words Be Surprised I trust my boundaries l I trust myself: I know I will not knowingly toss my pearls before swine, throw myself into the path of destruction, hide from the truth, go along with or tolerate something that is damaging to me. Now I can move to my feelings. I follow my feelings l I follow my emotions around my body and into my heart because they are my compass in the world. I love my feelings and know that I must go where I am, be where I am, feel what I feel, and go through the feeling if I want to feel better. Now I can speak. I choose my words l I am committed to clear, direct, feeling based communication. I honor my feelings by expressing
140 them from my heart without trying to influence or attack my man. If I choose, Now I can let go of the result. I allow every moment to be a surprise l I don;t have to know every outcome, I don;t have to manage every situation, I don;t have to make sure everything goes the way I want, and I absolutely don;t have to know what my man is going to say or do next. Because I know what I will not tolerate, because I can feel what I feel, because I;ve stated clearly what I feel and don;t want, I can let go of control.
141 CHAPTER 23 TRANSLATIONS O HOW TO CHOOSE WORDS Speak from your heart to his heart instead of from your mind to his mind. : Rori Raye his simple chart is a reference for the Rori Raye Mantra, and all the feeling, expressing and negotiating work in Key #5. It will help you change the words you use when you talk to men, and it will help you change the thoughts you think. Keep it where you can see it. Carry it around with you. Practice often with everyone you talk to, and see how fast it becomes easy and automatic. Whenever you hear yourself being concerned with something in column one l Control Speak l pull your thoughts down from your head and into your body. Breathe. Try to focus on what you;re feeling in the pit of your stomach. T
142 Use the words in column two l Surrender Speak l to verbalize what you feel. Even if it;s as basic as mad, sad, glad, or afraid l getting the words out will clear the air between you and any man. And even more important for a woman: Releasing the energy of pent-up emotions will allow you to feel more relaxed, more in tune with yourself, your body, and your spirit. Control Speak This Column is About Him : So it;s His Business Only; It;s Not My Business, And it;s Off Limits to Me Surrender Speak This is About Me : So it;s My Business; It;s About Being Vulnerable and Real; It;s the Way to Go Why is he doing that? I feel mad, sad, glad, afraid, scared, angry, happy, disconnected, confused, shaky, uncomfortable, weird, upset, lonely, tired, exhausted What is he doing? U What is he feeling? U What are you feeling? U What do you mean? U I;ll bet I know why he;s depressed, angry, tired, quiet, etc. U
143 Oh, he;s just\.. U Oh, men are just like that U There;s so much tension between us\He must be\mad, upset, having childhood memories, etc. U Why does he always have to do that? U You never listen to me! U I need you to do this or that I don;t want to do this, what do you think? What if we (you) did that? Can we (you) please do that? I don;t want to go there, do that, see that, feel this, feel that, listen to this, be there, be here, stand here, tolerate this, have this, worry about this, think about this, take charge of this, plan this lwhat do you think? Why didn;t you call me? Nothing What;s going on with our relationship? I don;t want that kind of relationship, what do you think? Not noticing when he does something nice Thank you. I like that tie, I like how you look, I love this restaurant, I feel so good here, I feel so good with you, that feels so good, etc.
144 I want you to pick me up, open my door, etc. I;m old-fashioned. I don;t feel comfortable meeting men, calling men, planning dates, etc. Add your own here\
145 CHAPTER 24 PROCESSING =Being ladylike or gentlemanly and denying one;s anger simply results in the unconscious sabotage of relationships. Expressing one;s anger is transformative because it allows for a true and open, honest relationship. It makes way, therefore, for love.A: Carol Pearson eciding to express feelings -- even the ones you don't like -- in a way your man can hear is pretty much asking yourself to dismantle your entire defense system. You can do it overnight if you;re brave enough, and yet, one step at a time l baby ones l will do the job faster than you can imagine without shocking your system. Taking the leap to speaking about our feelings when we've spent our whole lives working very hard to do just the opposite l whether we're afraid of what someone will think or do, or whether we simply want to be more highly conscious people and have more refined emotions l takes courage and commitment to the process. D
146 The way to refining our emotional reactions is in not resisting the ones we actually have. Denying who we are now impedes our progress toward who we want to be. The moment we acknowledge and share where we are at this moment, the more quickly we move through it, bond with the human being we've just shared with, and go on to the emotions we feel better about. Here are some steps to consider along the way: 1. The relationship comes before the garbage, the chore, the mess, the scheduling, the bill paying, the household issues. 2. Saying how you feel (without mentioning your man at all) honors the relationship and demonstrates to your man that you trust him. (No matter how it seems to you or him in the heat of the moment,) 3. Saying how you feel is sharing how you feel. 4. Sharing how you feel is sharing yourself. 5. Sharing yourself is not giving, it is surrendering your defenses and just Being 6. Just Being is allowing connection with the person in whose presence you are Being.
147 7. In order to just be, you must surrender your defenses. 8. In order to surrender your defenses, you must trust your own boundaries. 9. Having boundaries means saying what you Do Not Want l about the way you are treated and spoken to and the way your life is -- even if you have to say it over and over again. 10. Boundaries are about the relationship -- how you are treated, how you are spoken to, how your life is -- not about the garbage or the household chores. The garbage, the mess, the schedule, these are chores and details about which you have a preference. Sometimes you feel strongly about a preference l I don;t want to take out the garbage or paint that wall. Saying I Don;t Want about a preference is another way of expressing and sharing a feeling l it is not about your core boundaries. 11. If he does not take your feelings into account, trusting your boundaries (you are not being treated well) means you either continue to share how you feel about that, say what you don't want, and ask again what he thinks should be done, or l if you cannot tolerate the energy l leave the room.
148 12. Negotiating is asking a man what he thinks you should do together to solve the problem, after he takes into account both your feelings and your boundaries. 13. Having boundaries means that if a man was to prove that he is currently unable to take your feelings into account l to actually treasure your feelings when you express them in a sharing, non-judgmental way l you would take care of yourself by having a heart to heart conversation. 14. A heart to heart conversation is a frank, honest, feeling based talk using all of the principles of Trusting Your Boundaries, Following Your Feelings, Choosing Your Words and Being Surprised (having no investment in the outcome). Use the techniques of saying I feel%I don;t want%What do you think we should do? until solutions to your pain l the emotional distance in the relationship, the amount of time together, the anger you feel and can;t get rid of, the trash piling up, the light bulb that need changing, the mess in the living room, or whatever else has been gnawing at you and hasn;t been fixed by small expressions of feeling and conversations in the moment l are presented and agreed on. 15. This negotiation, even though it centers on solving a problem, must be about the relationship. It is about restoring, creating and enhancing harmony, connection, and romance.
149 Only superficially is it about the garbage, the smoke detector, the mess, the schedules. Any business staff meeting can accomplish logistical goals. You can deal with these issues effectively in any relationship. The point is to conduct the negotiation in the way that best serves the relationship. For a woman who wants to be the receptive, Feminine energy partner, this is always about authenticity, vulnerability, and the expression of feeling. It is never about blame, responsibility, agenda, or outcome.