150 CHAPTER 25 FEARLESSNESS =I have never wanted to be one of those girls in love with boys who would not have me. Unrequited love : plain desperate aboveboard boy-chasing : turned you into a salesperson, and what you were selling was something he didn;t want, could not use, would never miss. Unrequited love was deciding to be useless, and I could never abide uselessness.A : Elizabeth McCracken e are afraid because we believe the lies we hear from the nasty Voice in our heads. The Voice wants us to believe that we;re not good enough, not beautiful enough, that we don;t deserve a wonderful Relationship, and that if anyone saw us, really saw us as we really are, they wouldn;t want us. It wants to keep us afraid to poke our heads out of the prettied-up, often completely inauthentic outer selves we show the world. It wants to keep us safe. But the effect of the Voice is the opposite. W
151 Not showing ourselves is not safe. It;s just what we;re used to. It;s a habit. And just as you can break bad habits and transform your communications with others by sticking to the Four Rules for Respecting your Partner, you can break the bad habits of the Voice by simply refusing to listen to it. That;s it. You ignore the voice. You treat the voice as a cruel lie and pay no mind. Because the Voice is so clever, what it says often seems like reality l seems reasonable l backed up by facts and statistics. But when you hear something from inside that;s negative about yourself l or makes you feel you can;t or shouldn;t or mustn;t l that;s the tip off that it;s the nasty Voice, and not your own true, inner voice. Your own voice will lead you to Love. It will lead you to listening, to appreciating, to surrendering to your Feminine energy, to being, to being happy. What would it be like to be fearless?
152 What would it be like to be able to completely ignore the voice in my head that;s always telling me what I can and can;t do, what I should and shouldn;t, must and mustn;t do, and is always judging me? What would it be like if I could be however I am l without worrying how I look or what anyone else thinks? Fear and anxiety are the tools we use to keep ourselves from experiencing pain. Whether it;s pain we perceive out in the world, pain in our bodies or pain hidden deep in our minds and psyches.
153 But fear often ends up ruling our lives far more painfully than whatever it is we believe weZre afraid of. The Have the Relationship You Want workbook, workshops and coaching are based on the idea that small, seemingly insignificant changes in the words we use and assumptions we make can lead to huge changes in our relationships, and that these changes will feel so good our fears will melt in the face of them, allowing us to open up our minds and hearts. Just as learning to say UNoV out in the world can increase our inner sense of our real, true and great worth, feeling more sensual and attentive to ourselves on the inside can lead to spectacular romance out in the world. It is my wish that every woman experience the joy of allowing the world in general and men in particular to see who they really are, down to their core, and then joyfully allow both the world and men of the world to love them, just as they are.
154 ABOUT RORI RAYE s a relationship coach, crisis counselor, actress, director, stage producer, mother, author, seminar leader, public speaker and wife of a successful executive coach, I know how challenging it is to balance the masculine energies I use in business and the tasks of daily life with the feminine energies I surrender to in my two-decadeslong marriage. Many years ago, I turned my own conflict-ridden and fading relationship nearly overnight into the vibrant, thrilling, totally satisfying marriage it is now. My husband is the same man he was during Uthe awful years,V and yet he seems to have changed completely. I know I;ve been transformed. From the moment I made my commitment to refuse to try to UmanageV my husband and my destiny, my life has been a treasure of peace, fun, love, success and surprises. Through my writing, speaking and teaching, it;s my mission to help other women rediscover passion and joy in their relationships and marriages. A