All The Young Dudes

small. I had to lock you up, you were so frightened and you were crying for me and I 
couldn’t go in…” 

He felt as if a heavy block of ice had settled in the pit of his stomach. He just wanted 
her to stop talking, he didn’t want to hear this, 

“You did the right thing.” He said, “You did. You did everything you could, I never 
blamed you.” 

That was true. He’d blamed his father over and over again in his head, hated him 
fiercely for years. But he had somehow felt more sympathy for his mother, a muggle who 
was left just as much at sea by Lyall’s death as he was. 

“Does it still… happen?” She asked, her eyes big. They were the same greeny brown as 
his own. He nodded, 

“It’s not as bad,” he lied, “I have help. It’s safer.” 
She looked relieved, which made him happy. 
“And school? I bet you’re as clever as your dad!” 
“I like school,” he said, “I do pretty well.” He wasn’t sure what else to say about it, “I 
er… I have his wand. Lyall’s.” 
She smiled, paper white thin stretching over her hollow face, like a skull. 
“And do you… have someone? In your life, looking after you?” 
“I…” He thought Lily and James, and Peter and Grant, and Madam Pomfrey, and Mary 
and Marlene, and even Professor McGonagall. And Sirius. “Yeah, I do. I have friends.” 
He glanced at the record player on her bedside table, and the little pile of records on 
the chair. The Beatles, Cliff Richard, The Kinks. “Are these yours?” He asked, genuinely 
curious for the first time. 
“Oh yes,” she nodded, “Love a bit of a dance, I do. Lyall was the reader, but I’m 
happiest with a nice pop song. He used to tease me.” 
Her accent was lovely, a sweet, friendly up and down. He was glad she wasn’t posh; he 
hoped he didn’t sound too common for her. 
“I like music too.” He said, softly. He couldn’t bring himself to raise his voice, but she 
didn’t mind. “David Bowie, mostly.” 
“You must take after me,” she said, sleepily, still smiling. “My bouncy little boy. I used 
to set you down on the rug while I did the housework, and play my records and you’d jump 
around on your bottom and wriggle like you were dancing. ​Love Me Do​ was playing on the 
radio when you took your first steps.” 
She’d grown tearful, saying all this, her eyes had welled up. 
“I think I remember,” he said, quickly – it was a lie, but it would make her happy. He 
didn’t want her to be this sad, not for his sake. Without thinking, he reached out and took 
her hand, gently, as if she might shatter. It was a very little hand – she was a very little 
woman. “I love the Beatles,” he said, “Always have.” 
She beamed. Even through the hollow cheeks and dark eyes of her illness, she had a 
lovely smile. Hope squeezed her son’s hand and smiled up at him, and they were 

491 

comfortable like that for quite some time. Remus felt the stirring of something towards her 
– something warm and old and familiar. 

Eventually he offered to put some music on for her. 
“Oh, the player’s broken.” She replied. 
“Really? Let me see…” Remus fumbled in his pocket for his wand, and gave the black 
wooden box a tap. He did it without letting go of her hand, and she made a small sound of 
delight and pride, seeing him use magic. 
The record began to turn, and the sound which came out was clear and lovely. It was a 
Fairport Convention record; Remus had never bothered with them much before; too hippie 
for him. But she smiled as Sandy Denny’s larksong voice began to fill the room. So he 
listened. 
Across the evening sky, all the birds are leaving 
But how can they know it's time for them to go? 
Before the winter fire, I will still be dreaming. 
I have no thought of time. 
For who knows where the time goes? 
Who knows where the time goes? 
They both sat listening quietly to the music, and Remus saw that he got some of his 
shyness from her, maybe. She never held eye contact too long, and never pushed him into 
talking. Remus had a sense that they could sit in contented silence like that for hours, and 
understand each other just as well as if they’d done nothing but talk. 
In a little while, the nurse came back. It was already after visiting hours, she said, and 
Matron would be on her case. Remus didn’t want to go, and Hope didn’t want him to leave. 
“Will you come back?” She pleaded, turning weepy again. 
“I will.” He promised. “As soon as I can, I will.” 
She pulled his hand to her lips. She was very weak, but he let her. She kissed his 
scarred knuckles. 
“I love you, my darling.” 
Something inside him broke when he realised he couldn’t say it back. He didn’t know 
how to say it and mean it. 
“I’ll see you soon.” He promised again, hoping she didn’t mind too much. 
He left the room in a daze, and it was a miracle he managed to get out of the hospital 
at all. It must have taken twice as long as it took him to get in. 
Outside, it had grown dark. Lily was sitting on a bench, with a big black dog at her 
side. She stood up, the street light behind her illuminating her hair, seeming to set it alight; 
a halogen halo. 
“Alright, Moony?” She asked, eyes serious. 
He shrugged, speechless. Instantly, Lily stepped forward and wound her arms around 
his waist, laying her head against his chest and squeezing. He wrapped his arms around 
her, gratefully, and hugged her back, bowing his head to inhale the lovely apple skin smell 

492 

of her. He was crying, and Sirius was right there, but he didn’t care, he just let Lily keep 
squeezing him, feeling as if she was holding him together. He could hear Padfoot whining 
and panting. Finally, he broke away, rubbing his eyes. 

“Sorry,” he said, bashfully. 
“Don’t be stupid,” she squeezed his arm, her own sea green eyes shimmering. “Want 
to go home?” 
“Actually,” Remus sniffed, “I want to get really, really pissed.” 
Padfoot barked. 
 
(Poem: This is the Verse - Philip Larkin) 
(Song: Who Knows Where the Time Goes - Sandy Denny) 
 
 
 
  

493 

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-NINE 

Seventh Year: Drunkards 

 
Better get yourself together darling 
Join the human race 
How in the world you gonna see 
Laughing at fools like me 
Who on earth d'you think you are 
A superstar? 
Well, right you are 
  
Well we all shine on 
Like the moon and the stars and the sun 
Well we all shine on 
Ev'ryone come on 
  

“Right. Pub, then?” Lily said, business-like once more. “I think we’d better go back to 
Hogsmeade, don’t you? I don’t fancy our chances apparating back to Scotland drunk…” 

“Yeah, good plan,” Remus nodded, wiping his nose on his sleeve, still sniffing. 
“...where’s James?” 

“Well we realised that it was going to look really suspicious if both the head boy and 
the head girl were missing,” Lily laughed. “So he went back to cover for us. He um… he sent 
Sirius. We both thought…” 

“It’s ok.” Remus nodded. He finally turned to address the dog, sitting patiently by. 
“Sirius?” 

He transformed back at once, and stood there looking awkward, rubbing one arm with 
the other. 

“Hello, Moony.” He said, softly. 
“Hi.” Remus nodded back, suddenly very shy. 
“Oh, Remus, I forgot!” Lily broke the atmosphere. She handed him a small square 
cardboard box. A carton of Silk Cut. “James’s idea,” she shrugged. 
“Life saver, thanks!” Remus accepted them gratefully. 
“I’d better go and get in touch with him, actually,” Lily continued, glancing between 
the two boys, “Black, give me the mirror? I’ll go and let him know where to meet us.” 
Sirius handed her the compact, and she smiled at them both, before walking a little 
ways away - so that she was just out of earshot. 
Remus sat down on the bench, opening the box of fags with his teeth, then pulling one 
out. He held it up to Sirius, 
“Light it for me? I’m so nervy it’ll probably blow up in my face.” 

494 

Sirius clicked his fingers, and the cylinder lit. Remus sucked on it appreciatively. 
Sirius sat next to him. 

“Moony I’m--” 
“Sirius--” 
They both tried to speak at once, then smiled at each other timidly. 
“Sirius.” Remus said, “I’m sorry. I was a twat.” 
“You were.” Sirius nodded, taking a cigarette of his own. “But you weren’t completely 
wrong.” 
“Nor were you.” Remus sighed. “I dunno what’s wrong with me.” 
“There’s ​nothing​ wrong with you, Remus.” Sirius touched his knee, gently, looking him 
in the eye. He was in muggle clothes, which was a nice change, Remus thought. Black jeans 
and his black leather jacket. Remus smiled. 
“You look really good.” 
“So what else is new.” Sirius stuck out his tongue. He turned solemn again, “I couldn’t 
believe it when Prongs told me about the letter. I felt like shit for shouting at you, I just 
wanted to make sure you were ok, then he said you’d gone...” 
“Sorry,” Remus replied. “I just had to get here straight away, I didn’t even think.” 
“I wouldn’t have, either.” Sirius admitted. “Though, actually, I dunno if I would exactly 
rush to my mother’s bedside.” 
Remus snorted, half-heartedly, and they were both quiet for a bit, thinking about their 
mothers. 
“What’s she like?” Sirius asked, finally. 
Remus considered this carefully before answering. He tried to recall her voice, her 
eyes, the way her hand felt in his. 
“She’s nice.” He said. “I think I like her.” 
“All right, you two, ready?” Lily returned, obviously having judged them suitably made 
up. 
“Yeah,” they both replied, smiling. 

* * * 
They ended up in the Three Broomsticks, all five of them - James had brought Peter 
down from the castle with him. Three fire whiskies in and Remus was feeling pleasantly 
warm and loose, grinning dopily as his friends made a racket for his benefit.   
No one asked him any questions, which was perfect; they just drank, and laughed and 
talked like real teenagers for once. 
“This map is some of the best magic I’ve ever seen.” Lily marvelled, after studying it 
for some time. “And you o​ nly​ use it for pranks?!” 
“What else would we use it for?” Sirius raised an eyebrow. 
“You’ve even got the moving staircases!” Lily exclaimed, clearly delighted.   
“That was one of mine.” Remus said, eagerly. 
“It was a​ ll​ yours,” Sirius said, “The whole thing was your idea, Mr Moony.”  

495 

“Yeah, but you lot did loads of work on it…” 
“What are you going to do with it at the end of the year?” Lily asked. 
The four boys looked at each other with a note of sadness. The map would no longer 
be useful to them, if they weren't at Hogwarts. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs 
would no longer be Hogwarts’ premiere mischief makers. James shrugged, 
“Pass it on, I s’pose? Maybe to someone in the co-operative.” 
Remus hated that idea, and finished his fourth drink. 
“Rosmerta!” Sirius called out, raising a hand, “Another round, darling?” 
“Right you are my love…” she called back. 
“Flirt.” Remus nudged him under the table. 
“I’m trying to get ​you​ drunk.” Sirius replied, piously, “As requested.”   
“I’m already drunk,” Lily slurred, blinking hard. “I don’t know how I’m going to walk 
back to school…” 
“I’ll carry you.” James said, valiantly, though he was clearly starting to get a bit wobbly 
himself. 
“I don’t want it to be over.” Peter said, morosely. 
“Calm down Wormy, we’re not going back yet.” Sirius said, as Rosmerta appeared with 
a tray of drinks. Remus grabbed another firewhisky and knocked it back. He liked the burn; 
it felt like it was working. 
“I don’t mean tonight.” Peter said, clumsily slamming his chubby fist on the table, “I 
mean school, I mean ​everything.​ ” 
“School isn’t everything.” Lily patted him gently. 
“No.” He sighed, “But it’s all going to change, isn’t it? We won’t see each other all the 
time, we’ll all have jobs.” 
“Speak for yourself,” Sirius laughed, “Some of us are independently wealthy. Anyway, 
of course we’ll see each other every day, idiot, we’re all moving in together!” 
Lily and James looked at each other, suddenly sober. Sirius's eyes narrowed, “What?” 
“Mate,” James said, awkwardly, “Er. Lily and I have been talking about… maybe 
getting a flat together, after the summer.” 
“Yeah,” Sirius nodded, “We’ll all move in, and--” 
“Padfoot,” Remus touched his knee, “He means just the two of them.” 
“What? ​Why​?!” 
“Let’s not talk about this now!” Lily said, hurriedly, “Nothing’s decided!” 
But everyone could see that it was. 
“What about this prank, then?” James said, still eyeing Sirius, “What are we going to 
do if no one comes up with anything good?” 
“We will,” Remus said, “There’s time. Is it me or is the mass-levitation idea starting to 
sound good?” 
“Oh good, you ​are​ drunk.” Sirius smirked, “How the fuck are we supposed to levitate 
two hundred students? And ​why​ would we?” 

496 

“Be funny.” Remus shrugged, then giggled. Everything seemed like it would be funny, 
right then. 

“There are enough of us,” James said, “If everyone concentrates, we could easily 
levitate them all.” 

“And do what with them?! Practical jokes need a practical element!” Sirius insisted. 
Everyone else burst out laughing at him. He shook his head disdainfully and took a swig of 
his butterbeer. 

“You’re not drinking?” Remus said, suddenly. 
“Er… no.” Sirius looked down, self consciously. “Thought someone better stay 
responsible enough to get you lot back in one piece.” 
“Ahhh,” Lily grinned dopily, “You ​do​ care, Black! You’re all soft and sensitive really, 
aren’t you?” 

“I just don’t want anyone expelled before we can get this prank off the ground!” 

“Off the ground! So you agree with the levitation idea!” James cackled. 
“Oh for goodness’ sake…” Sirius rolled his eyes. “I’m going to the loo.” He got up and 
left them laughing. 
Remus took the opportunity to pop out for a cigarette. He could have smoked in the 
pub, and thought that Lily and James might even let him get away with it, but he wanted a 
minute to himself. Outside was nice and cool, the air felt clean. He lit up and started 
puffing away, wrapping his arms around himself against the chill. He was really drunk. He 
had to lean against the wall just to stay up. It was nice; he didn’t have to worry about 
anything if he was drunk. No one would expect him to. 
He leaned his head back against the wall, catching sight of the pale crescent moon 
glowing through the scudding clouds. He thought about Livia, as he often did when he saw 
the moon. And Castor. He thought about their warning, and how it had been so 
meaningless, in the end. Why was that? Remus’s whisky addled mind hit on something - 
something he hadn’t thought about before. But as soon as it was there, it was gone again. 
He shook his head, dazedly. 

“All right?” Sirius came out and joined him. 

“Mmm.” Remus nodded, smiling widely. 

“Pisshead.” Sirius smirked. 
“Oi!” Remus shot back, playfully, “I can hold my drink, ffffank you very much. Unlike 
some​.” 
“Oh yeah?” Sirius humoured him, leaning against the wall too. He took Remus’s hand, 
and laced their fingers together. 
“Yeah,” Remus nodded emphatically, “Remember my fifteenth? You and Pete got so 
wankered, you threw up in the tunnel.” 

“Godric, how could I forget,” Sirius laughed. “Horrific.” 
“Nahh,” Remus sighed, happily, squeezing Sirius’s fingers. “It was nice. You fell asleep 
on my shoulder and told me I was magic.” 

“Did I?” 

497 

“You did.” 
“That does sound nice. I must have been very drunk.” He laughed, “Not that I ​don’t 
think you’re magic, Moony.” 
Remus’s mind had drifted, though. His cigarette had gone out, and he dropped it. 
“Wish I could say stuff like that.” 
“Like what?” Sirius frowned. 
“Nice stuff.” 
“You say lots of nice stuff, Moony.” 
Remus shook his head, frowning. It was no good. 
“Need another drink.” 
“Ok, come on then…” 
Inside, Peter was half asleep, propped up on his elbow, and Lily was sitting in James 
lap. She seemed to be trying to locate his tonsils with her tongue. 
“Bloody hell.” Sirius groaned, “Give it a rest, you two.” 
Remus sniggered, finishing the last of his whisky. That was better. 
“You can talk!” Lily poked her pink tongue out at him. “Marlene told me she caught 
you two snogging in the corridor the other night!” 
“So what if she did?” Siris replied, primly, “It was private enough until she showed 
up.” 
“Christopher was there,” Remus put in. Lily laughed and pointed at Sirius, 
“Ha! Exhibitionist!” 
“She’s right.” Remus nodded, drunkenly, “You are. Remember I caught you with Mary 
all the time when I was a prefect.” 
“Oh well, that was M​ ary,​ you know what M​ ary’s​ like…” 
“Remus!” Lily said, still giggling and quite pink in the face now, “You won’t believe 
what Mary told me about you last year!” 
“What?” 
“It was before you came out, so you’d think she’d admit it was made up by now, but 
she told me and Marlene that you and she… y​ ou​ know…” 
“Made sweet heterosexual love?” Sirius supplied, barely stifling his own laughter now. 
“Oh!” Remus said, “Yeah, that’s true, actually.” 
“What?!” Lily stared at him, her mouth open. 
“Ages ago…” 
“Last year, actually.” Sirius corrected. “It’s fine, Lily, he only did it to make me 
jealous.” 
“Arrogant prick.” Remus snorted. 
Peter began to snore. James looked at him, then at his pocket watch, 
“Reckon we’d better head back?” 

* * * 

498 

Remus insisted on finishing not only his drink, but everyone else’s before they left. He 
wanted to be good and drunk, so that he would fall straight to sleep, without any of the 
intrusive thoughts that had been plaguing him since Marlene’s return. Plus, though he 
wasn’t going to tell Sirius, his hip didn’t hurt as much with all that liquor in his blood. 

James was true to his word, and gave Lily a piggyback all the way to Honeyduke’s. 
Remus looked at Sirius with a quirked eyebrow. The other boy laughed, 

“I’ll levitate you, if you want, but I am n​ ot​ carrying you.” 
“Who says romance is dead,” Peter yawned, rubbing his eyes and trailing along beside 
them. 
By the time they were descending the steps into the cellar of the sweet shop, Remus 
was feeling a lot less cheerful about the whole thing. Perhaps the last few whiskies had 
been a bad idea. His head was starting to throb painfully, and his vision was swimming. His 
limbs felt heavy, and as they sank into the darkness of the tunnel, he quite fancied just 
curling up to sleep right there. 
“No one’ll miss us,” he mumbled as Sirius gently pulled him along, “S’a weekend 
tomorrow.” 
“I really don’t think you’ll be happy waking up here, Moony,” Sirius chided gently. 
“Trust me.” 
“I trust you.” Remus replied, his mouth thick with saliva. 
It was all right for Peter. He’d transformed into a rat and curled up to sleep in Lily’s 
pocket. 
“He’s so good at that,” Sirius marvelled, “I can’t transform drunk.” 
“I can!” James said, excitedly, and promptly did, much to Lily’s fright. 
“Jesus Christ.” she breathed, “I’m never going to get used to that.” 
Prongs bowed his antlered head, and lowered one knee, allowing Lily to climb onto his 
back. She gripped his neck, grinning, and whooped as James set off clattering down the 
tunnel at a gallop. 
Remus and Sirius stared after them as they vanished into the darkness. 
“Charming.” Sirius huffed. 
“Why aren’t you a more useful animal?” Remus grumbled, leaning heavily against him. 
“It’s not like we got to c​ hoose…​ ” 
“Urrgh.” Remus groaned, “I’m going to be sick.” 
“Ugh, over there, then…” Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him around 
just in time. 
Luckily Remus hadn’t eaten much that day, but it still felt horrible. His gut contracted 
painfully and he retched until his eyes bulged and he thought he’d choke. His eyes were 
stinging with tears when he finally came up for hair. He rubbed them away quickly. Sirius 
handed him a goblet of cold water. 
“Where did you get that?” Remus spluttered, wiping his mouth. 

499 

“Keep it on me for the full moons,” Sirius shrugged, “Weightlessness charm. Must 

have left it in my pocket. Oi, just sip it, or you’ll chuck it all up again.” 

Remus obeyed. He washed his mouth out and spat. 

“Sorry.” He said, weakly, “That’s disgusting.” 

“Call it payback for your fifteenth.” Sirius laughed, “Come on, shall we keep going?” 

Remus nodded, a hand on Sirius’s shoulder to keep himself steady. 

“Shouldn’a got so drunk.” He mumbled. 

“You deserved it.” Sirius replied, blasé. “After the day you’ve had. Or the week you’ve 

had…” 

“I was a prick.” Remus was getting melancholy now, feeling sorry for himself. Sirius 

wasn’t having any of it. 

“Enough of that now, we’ve talked about it.” 

“I a​ m​ a prick though.” 

“No. You’re lovely.” Sirius insisted. 

“I don’t have any feelings.” Remus moped. 

“What are you on about, of course you’ve got feelings. Look, we’re nearly there, now. 
Ugh, those bastards have gone on without us. Hey, do you reckon Prongs figured out how 

to change back?” 

“She told me she loves me.” Remus said, his forehead on Sirius’s shoulder, now. 

“What? Who? ...oh… right…” Sirius stopped to check he was ok. He tried to be 

comforting, “Well that’s good, isn’t it? Nice to hear that.” 

“I didn’t say it back.” 

“Oh, Moony, that’s to be expected. Doesn’t mean you haven’t got f​ eelings​! I know 

you’ve got your heart set on being a monster, but I’m sorry to tell you that you are ​not.​ ” 

“Couldn’t say it.” Remus insisted, his voice muffled. “I don’t think I can say it to 

anyone. Even if I want to.” 

Sirius went very quiet and very still for a while. They were at the entrance of the 

tunnel now, in a few moments they would be back inside the castle. Sirius gave Remus a 
quick hug, stroking his hair gently. He pulled away and held his hand tightly. 

“That’s ok, Remus,” he whispered, even though they were alone. “That’s ok, because 

it’s not something you say. It’s something you do. Right?” 

“Right.” Remus nodded, tearful and drunk, but somewhat placated. 

“Good.” Sirius smiled again. “Now, let’s get you to bed, eh?” 

“Mm.” Remus agreed. Just as Sirius was pushing the statue of the humpbacked witch 

aside, Remus touched his arm, “Sirius?” 

“Yeah?” 

“You’re magic.” 

 

(Song: Instant Karma - John Lennon)   

500 

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY 

Seventh Year: Brilliant Ideas 

 
Saturday 25th February 1978 

Remus didn’t think he had ever hated fire whisky more. When he woke up the next 
morning his throat was raw, his limbs ached and his head was throbbing. He’d take a full 
moon over a hangover any day. At least after a full moon everyone was sympathetic. 

“Urrrgh.” Someone else groaned from their bed. There were loud footsteps, as 
whoever it was ran to the bathroom, slammed the door, and began to throw up noisily. 

“Lovely.” Sirius murmured from the pillow next to Remus. 
“All right in there, Pete?” James shouted. He was met with an alarming gurgling 
sound from within the bathroom. “Bit of breakfast’ll sort you out,” James advised. 
Remus heard James’s feet hit the floor. He began to whistle a jaunty tune. Bloody 
perfect Potter and his immunity to hangovers. 
Remus’s stomach growled. Breakfast sounded good, despite the stabbing pain behind 
his eyeballs. Sirius raised his head at the noise and grinned, 
“All right, Moony?” 
“Mm.” He nodded, weakly, “Thirsty. Hungry.” 
“S’pose I’m not getting my saturday lie in, then…” Sirius sighed over-dramatically. He 
whipped back the duvet, then the curtains to climb out. 
Remus sat up slowly. 
“Pyjamas?” He grumbled, feeling around under his pillow. 
“Yeah, you put up a bit of a fight on that front,” Sirius chuckled, stretching and 
yawning. “Said you were too hot. You threw them across the room and I gave up.” 
“Defeatist.” Remus replied, clambering out of bed in his boxers to look for them. He’d 
have to go and use the shared bathroom up the hall; it didn’t sound like Peter would be 
coming out any time soon. His eyes stung in the bright morning sunlight, and he bent over, 
feeling about on the floor for his pyjama shirt and bottoms like a confused gibbon. 
“Morning lads,” Lily said, from the end of James’s bed. 
“Shit!” Remus jumped, surprised, and covered his crotch with the nearest quidditch 
magazine, then dived back behind his bed curtain, “What the bloody hell are you doing 
here?!” 
“I slept here.” Lily replied, a grin in her voice. “I didn’t know you two shared a bed.” 
“I didn’t know ​you​ two shared a bed.” Sirius replied, indignantly. He threw Remus his 
pyjamas, “There you are, Moony, make yourself decent.” 
Remus was going to kill James. What did he think he was playing at, inviting girls into 
their bedroom? Surely there was an unwritten rule on that?! Was nowhere sacred?! He 
pulled his pyjamas on as quick as he could over his underwear, then hurried out of the 
room. 

501 

“I didn’t see anything!” Lily called after him, giggling. 
Christ.​  

* * * 
Thank goodness it was saturday. They made slow progress to breakfast, but in the end 
even Peter made it down, though he was still very pale and quiet, and just sat sipping his 
tea. 
Remus, meanwhile loaded his plate up until he couldn’t see the china pattern. 
Weekend breakfasts were the best; fried eggs, thick cumberland sausages, dark fried 
mushrooms, bacon, golden toast slathered in butter, baked beans, fried tomato, black 
pudding… he was seriously going to miss Hogwarts food. 
“Why is Remus eating a hangover breakfast?” Mary asked, pouring herself some 
orange juice. “And where were you all yesterday afternoon?!” 
“Think you’ve answered your own question, MacDonald,” Sirius winked. 
“You lot have all the fun.” She grumbled. 
“Not fun.” Peter replied, his head in his hands, “Bad. Bad time.” 
“Have something to eat, Wormtail,” Remus suggested, swallowing his own mouthful. 
“You’ll feel better.” 
“I think he’s frightened he’ll lose an arm…” Sirius smirked, as Remus reached for 
another portion of bacon. 
“Yeah, that was the last slice of toast, Moony!” James complained. 
“Oh for goodness sake, the plates refill, don’t they.” Remus rolled his eyes. 
“Always wondered how that happens,” Mary mused, watching as the toast rack was 
magically replenished. 
“It’s not that complicated,” Sirius said, “Basic teleportation spell - the house elves 
have tables directly beneath us in the kitchens; they load that up, then transport the food to 
the corresponding plates above.” 
“Sort of like a magical dumbwaiter.” Remus nodded, now constructing himself a very 
complex sandwich. 
“Sounds complicated to me.” Mary said. “I’m useless at teleportation, though, I had to 
re-take my apparition test three times.” 
“It’s easier with inanimate objects,” Remus said, helping himself to ketchup, “and 
they’re only sending it directly up, so the destination part doesn’t take as much effort.” 
“I tried using it to clean my room once,” Sirius said, “I just transported all the messy 
stuff into the room above mine. Except I couldn’t get it back again after; my mother had an 
impenetrable lock on the attic. And I accidentally transported my bed, so that caused a bit 
of a row…” 
James and Remus sniggered. Peter raised his head. 
“Hm.” He said. 
“What?” Lily asked, “You’re not going to be sick again, are you?” 
“No, I’m just thinking…” 

502 

“Merlin!” Sirius teased, “Better get him a painkilling draught…” 
Peter diligently ignored him, eyes focussed on the plates of food. 
“Could we do it on a bigger scale?” He asked, “The transportation thing?” 
“You mean like getting food from the kitchens to our dorm?” Remus asked, “I don’t 
think so, I think only the house elves can do it. Would be great, though.” 
“No,” Peter frown, shaking his head, “More like what Sirius was saying - with beds, 
and trunks, and furniture…” 
“Yeah, probably,” Sirius shrugged, “I’m guessing that’s how everything ends up on the 
train at the end of term. Powerful bit of magic, though - it took me half a day to do my 
bedroom. Mind you, I was fourteen…” 
“We’ve got a lot of people, though,” Peter said, now looking up at James, grinning. 
“We could do it.” 
“Peter,” James was starting to smile now too. “Have you just had your best bloody idea 
in seven years of pranking?” 
Peter grinned back at him, looking happier than Remus had seen him in ages. 
“Emergency co-operative meeting!” James carried on, standing up, excitedly, “Spread 
the word!” 

* * * 
The problem with planning a prank between thirty people rather than four was pure 
logistics. Between quidditch practices, clubs, NEWT and OWL revision and room 
availability, calling an emergency meeting was nearly impossible. It ended up being pushed 
back to Sunday, then Monday - then, much to James’s exasperation - their usual Wednesday 
slot. 
“There’s still plenty of time,” Lily soothed, “And we can always start researching it 
now, so we have the right spells ready to show the group.” 
“S’pose.” James muttered, scuffing his feet on the flagstones as they walked back to 
the common room. 
“I’ve got some dungbombs lying about, if you fancy blowing off some steam today…” 
Sirius threw an arm around James. 
“Yes!” 
“I can’t hear this…” Lily covered her ears and ran ahead to catch up with Mary. 
On the fat lady’s corridor, Remus paused. 
“You lot go on, I’ll just be a minute.” He stopped outside Professor McGonagall’s 
office door. 
Sirius glanced back and gave him a nod of understanding, before carrying on with 
James and Peter, loudly arguing over the best place to plant the dungbombs. 
Remus knocked on the office door, timidly. 
“Enter,” came a voice from within. 
He pushed the door open, and poked his head around nervously before going inside. 
“Hello, professor.” He said, approaching her desk. 

503 

McGonagall was marking some essays, piled up neatly in front of her, a red quill 
flicking smoothly across the parchment as she read. She looked up and smiled at him 
pleasantly, 

“Lupin, lovely to see you. Please have a seat.” 

He sat carefully, strangely reminded of the very first time he’d been in her office, and 
how tall and frightening she had seemed. He’d really thought he would hate her, she’d 
seemed so much like matron. Now he was able to meet her eye, and smile back as though 
she were a real friend. “How can I help?” She asked, as the red quill came to rest in the 
inkwell beside the papers. 

“I… I wanted to ask a favour,” he said, carefully. He felt inside his pockets and pulled 
out the letter from his mother. He put it on the desk, and slid it across. “Over Christmas the 
Potters helped me track down my mum. I wrote to her, and she wrote back. She’s in a 
muggle hospital, in Wales. I’d like to have permission to go and see her.” 

McGonagall only glanced down at the letter briefly, before looking at him again. 

“Of course. We can make arrangements as soon as you’d like.” 
“Really?!” He was amazed it had been that easy. 

“Really,” she replied, “Mr Lupin, this is a school, not a prison. Students are permitted 
to visit family members.” 

“Oh. Well, great. I thought maybe on the next Hogsmeade weekend?” 

“Certainly,” she opened a notebook and jotted something down, “Come and see me on 
the morning of, and I’ll write your permission slip.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Would you like somebody to go with you?” 

“Er… no. Thanks, but no.” Now that he’d done it once, he realised that it was 
something he needed to do alone. He wasn’t looking forward to breaking that to Sirius, but 
there was no helping it. 

“I’m very pleased for you, Remus,” McGonagall said, smiling again. “You know that 
my door is always open, if you need somebody to talk to. Though I know you aren’t short of 
friends.” 

“Thanks,” he looked down, bashfully. 

“How is your revision going, Mr Lupin?”   

“Good, thanks.” Remus nodded, glad to be onto an easier subject. 
“Better than good, from what I’ve heard,” she continued, smiling, “All of your 
professors have given excellent reports on your achievements. In most classes you’re 
performing well above your peers, and I hear you’ve not only been working hard for 
yourself, but to help others, too?” 

“The study groups are a collaborative thing…” Remus said, awkwardly. 

“Nevertheless,” Professor McGonagall shook her head, “I’m proud to have you in my 
house, Mr Lupin.” 

He didn’t know what to say to that, so he just looked at his hands. “Mr Lupin,” his 
head of house continued, “I have a favour to ask…” 

504 

“A favour?” Remus looked up, surprised. What on earth? 
“Ahem, yes…” McGonagall looked a bit sheepish, and leaned in slightly, “As I’m sure 
you know, the final quidditch match of the year will be taking place in April, just before 
exams,” 
“Yeah, James has the schedule posted up in our room with an enchanted countdown in 
seconds and everything.” 
McGonagall smiled fondly. 
“James has been an absolute asset to the team, he's led Gryffindor on a record winning 
streak during his time here. The team he has assembled is first rate, primed to win their 
sixth cup in as many years… which brings me to my problem.” 
“Er… you want my help with a quidditch problem?!” 
“Indeed. Now, I cannot go into too much detail, but I am sorry to say that Alexander 
Gordon, our beater, will be returning home for the rest of the term. I shall be telling Potter 
on Monday, of course, a replacement must be found as soon as possible, which is why I 
wanted to speak with you first..” 
“Professor, I’m awful at quidditch!’ Remus said, breaking out in a cold sweat. 
McGonagall stared at him with a frown for a moment, before breaking into a (highly 
out of character) chuckle. She raised her hand to her mouth, apologetically, 
“Goodness, Lupin! I didn't mean to suggest... though I’m sure you are quite capable 
on a broom, it wasn’t you I had in mind.” 
“Oh!” Remus exhaled, his shoulders relaxing. “Oh, good. Er… then how can I help?” 
“Well,” McGonagall turned serious once more. “We do have rather a good beater 
already in Gryffindor. But as you are aware, he was struck off the team two years ago.” 
“Sirius.” 
“Now, I don't wish to condone his behaviour, nor diminish the enormity of the 
incident which occurred in your fifth year…” 
“No…” Remus swallowed, finding his mouth quite dry. He didn’t like to think about 
that, not ever. Like his hip, it was a pain which sometimes surfaced, but that he had to 
ignore in order to keep going. 
“And I stand by the punishment he received,” his teacher continued, “But… well he 
was only struck off the team, he wasn’t placed under permanent ban.” 
“Right,” Remus nodded, soberly. “So he can play again, if he wants to.” 
“Remus, I’m not going to allow it unless you agree.” McGonagall said, placing a hand 
on the desk between them. “It was you that Sirius put in danger, and if you feel--” 
“No.” Remus said, “I mean yes, I mean… let him back on the team.” 
“Are you sure?” She peered over her spectacles at him, as if trying to read his 
expression. 
“Absolutely!” Remus forced a smile. “Of course. It was two years ago.” 
McGonagall watched him a bit longer, then smiled back, visibly relieved. He’d done 
the right thing, then. The thing she’d wanted. 

505 

“Thank you, Mr Lupin,” she nodded, leaning back again. “I’ll tell Potter first thing 
tomorrow.” 

“Great.” Remus nodded, getting up from his seat. “Thanks, professor, see you 
Monday.” 
 
 
 
 
 

506 

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-ONE 

Seventh Year: Star Star 

 
He could have told James and Sirius straight away, if he’d wanted to. Could have 
played the hero, enjoyed the spotlight and being the cause of their joy. But he didn’t. He 
told himself it was to preserve Alexander Gordon’s privacy, or to respect McGonagall’s 
authority. But the truth was that he just didn’t want anything to do with it at all. 

Obviously he wanted Sirius to be happy. Obviously he didn’t want to be an obstacle to 
Sirius’s happiness. And o​ bviously​ he wanted Gryffindor to beat Slytherin in the final match; 
for James to have his moment of glory. He didn’t want to see Sirius punished forever for a 
mistake he made at sixteen. He didn’t want betrayal to hang over them like that, or to bring 
it all up again. And yet, there it was. 

Remus had forgiven Sirius, back in the Potters’ bathroom two years ago; had absolved 
a truly repentant boy with blood on his hands and sorrowful eyes. It had been before they 
understood each other, before so many other g​ ood​ memories, of g​ ood​ things which had 
changed their friendship. But Remus hadn’t forgotten how it had felt. Sirius could destroy 
him completely without even meaning to. If anything, Remus was even more vulnerable to 
that now than he had been at sixteen. 

No, Remus told himself. There was a difference between atonement and revenge. 
Sirius had earned this. 

On Monday morning, James received a note from McGonagall, asking to see him 
before quidditch practice. He hurried off without even finishing his breakfast - nothing was 
more important than the final match. Marlene and Yaz began speculating on what it could 
be, Peter and Sirius leaning across the table eagerly to join in. Remus just waited, feeling 
half pleased and half something else. As breakfast was finishing, James’s muffled voice 
began emanating from the two-way mirror Sirius’s robe pocket. 

“Padfoot! Padfoot! Quidditch pitch! Now!” 
“What’dyou reckon he wants?” Sirius scratched his head as they got up from the table. 

“Oh, I think you’ll like it.” Remus replied, cryptically. “Go on, he sounds excited.” 

“You know what it is, don’t you?” Sirius eyed him suspiciously. 

“Maybe.” 

“Don’t you want me to walk you to Care of Magical Creatures?” 

“I’ll manage. Go! Hurry!” 
Remus didn’t see James and Sirius again until lunch, and both of them were grinning 
from ear to ear. James had the quidditch schedule out and was marking out extra practice 
days so that Sirius could get back up to speed. 

“You were right,” Sirius beamed, practically bouncing in his seat as Remus arrived, “I 
did like it.” 

Remus just smiled back. It was enough to see him happy; and if love ​was​ something 
you did, then Remus hoped this was enough.   

507 

“What are you so happy about?” Marlene asked, sitting down opposite ther boys. 

“Say hello to your new beater,” Sirius burst out. 

James laughed, nodding. 

“Oh!” Marlene smiled brightly, “Excellent! Er… what happened to Gordon?” 

“Gone home.” James replied, “Not supposed to ask.” 
“Ah. Well, anyway,” Marlene shook her head, “That’s fantastic, I’ve missed having you 
watching my back. So how come McGonagall let you? I thought you got kicked off for 
doing something unspeakable…?” 
“Oh yeah,” Mary added, stirring grated cheese into her leek and potato soup, “I 
remember something like that too, what did you do?” 

Sirius visibly balked at this, his eyes widening. 
Remus frowned slightly. Was this the first time it had occurred to him? Had Remus 
been agonising over the implications of an event Sirius barely even remembered?! He 
decided to rescue him, nonetheless, 

“Ha, you can’t expect Sirius to remember every stupid stunt he pulls that gets him into 
trouble.” He said, cheerfully. 

The girls accepted this, and lunch continued, but Remus could feel Sirius’s eyes on 
him the whole time. Apparently he had caught up. ​Well​, Remus thought, ​at least it only takes 
him a few hours now. This time last year it would have been months. 

Throughout the rest of the afternoon lessons, Remus’s gut instinct was to be evasive; 
to make a quick get away after his final class and stay in the library as late as he could, then 
go straight to bed without speaking. 

But really, he tried to reason with himself, wasn’t that just another way to punish 
Sirius? It certainly didn’t demonstrate forgiveness. He hadn’t forgotten their recent fight, 
and how Sirius had called him ‘bloody exhausting’. It had actually hurt his feelings quite a 
lot, at the time, and he knew that this was because it was so painfully true. 

So. He’d try it Sirius’s way. 
“Fancy a walk after dinner?” He asked, casually, tapping the box of matches where he 
kept his cigarettes and - sometimes - something more recreational. 

“Yeah,” Sirius smiled, surprised, “Sounds good.” 
Pudding appeared on the table in front of them. James was taking notes on the 
teleportation mechanism, and kept picking up plates as soon as they emptied, to see if they 
would refill in mid-air, or land on the table itself. 
“Potter if you drop ​even one​ treacle tart I’ll have your guts for garters…” Lily 
threatened. 

* * * 
It was easy enough for them to get away that evening, and they wandered towards to 
astronomy tower, because the evenings were nice now that winter was finally on it way out, 
and no one would have a go at them for smoking. 

They interrupted a couple of fifth years clumsily groping on the parapets, and used 
their seventh year privilege to send them on their way. 

508 

“Honestly, when we were their age, we never…” Sirius tutted disapprovingly. 

“Sure you want to finish that?” Remus raised a wry eyebrow. 
They settled down. Remus rolled up his robes to use as a cushion, and they sat with 
their backs to the wall, companionably rolling spliffs. “I’m really happy for you.” Remus 
started, after his first inhale. “About the quidditch. You deserve it.” 
“Thanks,” Sirius nodded, sounding relieved. “I really… um. I asked James, and he said 
McGonagall asked you if it was ok first.” 

“She did.” Remus agreed, keeping his voice steady. “Obviously I said it was fine. 
Obviously.” 

“I’m really grateful. You didn’t have to, I would have understood.” 

“Really?” Remus looked at him, finally. 
“Of course,” Sirius said, earnestly, “I deserved to be struck off; I deserved to be e​ xpelled 
for what I did. Locked up in Azkaban. I got off easy, and I know it.” 

“I never wanted you to suffer.” Remus said. “I hated you for it - I won’t lie. But I 
forgave you then, and I can’t keep holding a grudge. You’ve made it up to me, like you said 
you would.” 

He felt a bit light-headed, saying all of this. It wasn’t much, no, but he knew they both 
felt the weight of the words. Sirius had always tried to understand him harder than anyone. 

“Still,” Sirius replied, placing a hand over Remus’s, “If you’re still angry about it, that’s 
ok. I still feel guilty about it. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.” 

“We don’t have to talk about it…” Remus shifted uncomfortably. H​ e​ really didn’t want 
to talk about it.   

“I just wanted you to know that I ​do​ still feel responsible. I don’t blame anyone but 
myself - not even Snivellus. Not even… not even her.” 

“Who?” Remus frowned, lost. 

He felt Sirius’s leg stiffen beside him, saw his hand tremble just for a moment. 
“My mother.” He said, quietly. His breathing was shallow, and he spoke so quietly 
Remus had to strain his ears to catch it all. “Do you remember what happened that 
Christmas? It was when I got kicked out…” 

Remus nodded. How could he ever forget? It had been one of the worst nights of his 
life, and he had had more than his fair share. 

Sirius continued, looking down at his knees, curling up smaller against the stone 
rampart. 

“She’d done stuff before - I mean, you know about that, the cutting, and the silencing 
and that time she vanished my hair. But - and I know this sounds weird - I never thought 
she’d do… t​ hat.​ She threatened to disown me all the time, threatened to do all sorts. But 
until they started getting in deep with Voldemort, I never really believed her.” 

He paused, apparently to take a few deep breaths, then pressed on bravely. “It was 
always the most important thing, when I was growing up; family. Family loyalty. I know 
they froze out Andromeda, but mother knew we were still in touch, she didn’t try to stop it. 
So I thought - well, they must be planning to forgive her one day. Bring her back into the 

509 

fold; because she was f​ amily.​ And it was arrogant of me, but I really never thought it would 
happen to ​me.​ ” 

He looked at Remus, bashfully, as if he had said something idiotic, and expected to be 
teased. Remus said nothing, only gripped his hand. Sirius sighed.   

“But then it did happen - and they’d punished me so m​ any​ times before, I thought I 
knew what to expect. But not like that. I’d never been so… so scared.” His eyes were 
shimmering now, and he was staring angrily ahead, “I hated it, feeling that way, and all I 
could think, lying in bed at the Potters, was how you or James would have done better. Been 
braver, or figured out away to fight back. I didn’t fight back, because… because they were 
my family.” 

“Sirius…” Remus tried to sound gentle, but Sirius shook his head, wiping his eyes 
quickly, 

“No, it’s ok, I’m not telling you so you feel sorry for me, I’m not making excuses. 
There’s no excuse. I’m just… I dunno, trying to explain. Anyway; that happened at 
Christmas, and then I was living at the Potters after that, so it was all ok, for me, wasn’t it? 
Like… I was safe, and I had nothing to be scared of. But I still felt like she could get me. I 
had these nightmares, remembering the curse. Sorry, I know it sounds stupid.” 

“It doesn’t sound stupid at all!” 
“Still. I felt like I had to do something, and maybe I didn’t always have the best ideas. 
You know what I was like - all over the place, acting like a twat. Me and James, we both 
used to egg each other on, didn’t we? And Snape was so easy to pick on, because he’s so 
foul and nasty already. Godric, s​ o​ nasty. He tried to attack Mary, and then him and Reg 
tried to hurt you too, remember? And he just kept going, no matter what we did. And I 
just… not like Snape is like my mother or anything - I think there are at least six degrees of 
evil between them - but he made me feel the way s​ he​ made me feel. Like I couldn’t control 
it. I just wanted to make him scared; make him feel it too, so that maybe he’d stop. It's no 
excuse, and I’m s​ o​ ​sorry,​ Moony.” 
Remus had not let go of Sirius’s hand. Something strange was happening inside of 
him. Something which he had rarely felt outside of a full moon. A fierce and overwhelming 
desire to ​protect​ this boy sitting next to him. To make sure he was never frightened again. 
He pulled Sirius to him, taking his spliff and pressing their lips together. 

“It's forgiven.” He said, “I mean it.” 
Sirius didn’t speak, just looked up at him, grateful and happy, and Remus thought if he 
could bottle that look then he’d never struggle with a patronus again. “And you can blame 
your mother for it if you like.” Remus said, pulling away, “She sounds like a right cunt.” 

Sirius snorted with laughter and buried his face in Remus’s shoulder, 

“You oik,” he chuckled, gleefully. “I really bloody l--” 
“Who’s up here?!” Mary came tiptoeing around the corner. “Oh.” She sighed, upon 
seeing them. “I was hoping you were Marlene and Yaz, been trying to catch them for ages, 
finally put an end to this sneaking around malarkey.” 

Sirius leaned back against the wall, wiping his eyes quickly. 

“All right, MacDonald,” he grinned, squinting up at her. 

510 

“Ohhh, is that what I think it is?” Mary glimpsed the spliff in Remus’s hand, 
“Sharesies!” 

* * * 
Friday 10th March 1978 - Just before midnight. 

“Moony! Where have you gone? They’re going to do your cake before James really gets 
drunk…” Sirius called up the stairs. 

Remus smirked to himself, tipsily. James was too far gone already, if you asked him. 
He’d been leaping all over the common room furniture to ‘Jean Genie’ for half an hour 
already. 

“Yeah I’ll just be a sec!” Remus called back. 
He was looking for something to use as a vase, and finally settled on transfiguring an 
old Wellington boot which must have been one of Peter's from first year. “​Aguamente​,” he 
murmured, his wandwork a bit sloppy from the cider. He had thought cider would be a 
smarter choice than whisky, but if anything it seemed to have made him stupider than 
normal. 
He dunked the bunch of tulips into the very rubbery looking vase, and grinned to 
himself. 
“What are you doing up here?” Sirius came in, now. He was drunk too; he had 
acquired a wide brimmed mauve hat from somewhere, and was wearing it at a jaunty angle. 
“Flowers?” He looked confused. 
“Er yeah. From one of the Hufflepuffs in my study group,” 
“Who’s giving you flowers?!” 
“Miranda O’dell. Fourth year.” 
“But ​why?​ !” 
“I asked her to,” Remus smirked, enjoying the game. 
Sirius threw his hands up, 
“Moony! I am too drunk for your puzzles!” 
“They’re for Hope,” Remus poked his tongue out. “Seeing her tomorrow, remember?” 
“Oh yeah!” Sirius smiled again, eyes practically violet under the shade of his 
ridiculously flattering purple hat. “Looking forward to it?” 
“D’you know what, I sort of am? At least I don’t want to throw up, like last time.” 
“Progress!” Sirius flung his arms out. The volume of the music downstairs increased 
by a good few decibels, as that trilling guitar started all over again, and James’s voice could 
be heard booming; 
“A​ small Jean Genie snuck off to the city, strung out on lasers and slash-back blazers, ate all 
your razors while pulling the waiters… ​” 
“James really likes this song, eh?” Remus grinned, hands in his pockets, enjoying 
being away from it all for a little bit. 
“After years of trying, Bowie finally got through to him.” Sirius returned, taking a few 
coy steps towards Remus, leaning against the bedpost in that devastatingly casual way. “Are 

511 

you enjoying your party?” He tilted his head down as his asked, eyes big and flirtatious as a 
girl’s. 

“Very much,” Remus bobbed his head, returning the smile. 

“Someone invited Lockhart, the prick.” 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah, how come he’s like that, anyway?!” 
Remus just shrugged, eyes fixed on the way Sirius swung his hips unconsciously back 
and forth in time with the bass reverberating from the floorboards. When they left school, 
Remus would buy him a hundred pairs of black jeans, and that would be all he’d allow him 
to wear. 

“Want your present?” Sirius asked, suddenly, catching Remus’s eye. 
“You already got me a present!” Remus protested. A full years supply of chocolate 
frogs - though Remus was pretty sure he could polish it off by the time exams were over. 

“I’m allowed to get you more than one thing.” Sirius said, petulantly. 

He stood away from the bed, legs apart, and waved his hands flamboyantly through the 
air like a muggle magician. Then, with a dramatic bow, he swept the hat from his head in 
one fluid motion, delved his hand inside and withdrew a small metal thing. 

He handed it to Remus, who could smell that it was solid gold. It was a rectangular 
case, just bigger than his palm. It had the same leafy vine like design as his gold pocket 
watch, and felt good and weighty in his hand. He snapped it open to find a row of eighteen 
neatly rolled cigarettes nestled inside. The inside lid also had a design on it, delicately 
etched so that the finely hewn lines gleamed when they caught the light. It was a 
glimmering night sky, with a large, celestial moon in one corner, and Canis Major picked 
out in mother of pearl inlay. 

“Sirius.” Remus said quietly, staring at it. 

“So you can get rid of that manky old matchbox.” 

“Thank you… it’s beautiful.” 
“Oi you two, hurry up or Wormtail’s going to start on the cake!” James screamed up 
the stairs, ignoring Lily’s attempts to shush him. 
Remus and Sirius grinned at each other, and headed down, holding hands right until 
the bottom step. 
The common room was in an incredible state; barely recognisable. Multi coloured 
fairy lights hung from every rafter, balloons drifted up and down like weird bloated 
jellyfish, the suits of armour occasionally belched flame-free fireworks, and there were 
people on every stretch of carpet and bottles on every surface. 
“​Jean Genie! Lives on his back! Jean Genie! Loves chimney stacks! He’s outrageous, he 
screams and he bawls…​” 
Most of the revellers were now leaping around the room with all the grace and dignity 
of kids on pogo sticks, led by James, Peter, Lily and Mary, who were jumping the most 
vigorously. James stopped when he saw Remus, and raised his arms cheering, 

“Moonyyyyy!” 

512 

“Cake!” Peter began to chant, “Cake, cake cake!” 
Everybody joined in, and the crowd parted for Christopher and Marlene, who carried 
between them an enormous rectangular cake, the size of an overstuffed pillowcase. As they 
brought it to Remus, he saw with a flush of delight that it was decorated with chocolate 
buttercream icing to look like a gigantic leatherbound book. 
“My two favourite things,” he laughed, ignoring the elbow in the ribs from Sirius. 
He blew out the candles, and cut the cake, making the same wish both times. After 
that, James started leading everyone in a series of toasts; each more convoluted and 
elaborate than the last, encouraged by Sirius and Peter. That meant at least two more pints 
of cider, and some of Mary’s witches brew when he ran out. 
Remus’s last memory of his eighteenth birthday party was some lunatic deciding to 
put on G​ oats Head Soup​ - which had to be his least favourite Rolling Stones album, but he 
was pissed and he didn’t care. The jumping and flailing continued, and the room was hot 
and loud and sweaty, and everyone was red faced and grinning - and Remus didn’t even care 
when Lily and James pointed and laughed at him as the final track began to play and 
everyone belted out at the top of their lungs; 
“If I ever get back to New York, girl 
Gonna make you scream all night 
Yeah! You're a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star! 
Yeah, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star! 
A star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker star!” 
 
(Song: Jean Genie - David Bowie, Star Star - The Rolling Stones) 
 
 
 
 
 

  

513 

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-TWO 

Seventh Year: Hospital Visits 

 
She loved tulips. She loved daisies. She loved forget-me-nots, and gerberas and roses 
and daffodils - she loved every flower he brought her. He always tried to bring something. 
Flowers were free, as long as he kept Madam Sprout on side, and Hope hadn’t much 
appetite, so chocolate was no good. 
They had five more meetings over the spring of 1978, and Remus would forever mark 
each of them by the flowers he’d brought to her. The conversations they had too, of course - 
but the flowers seemed to bookend everything; colouring each session with its own 
personality. 
Tulips had presided over their second meeting. They were orange, pink and yellow, 
with sturdy dusky green stems and sumptuous velvet petals. A very generous flower, Remus 
thought. 
She was ready for him, this time; she’d had her hair washed and combed, and it 
gleamed sunny platinum blonde against the pink hospital blankets. She’d put a spot of 
makeup on, too, though Remus felt bad for noticing that, because he felt he ought not to 
care how she looked. 
“I got my sister to dig out some pictures,” Hope said eagerly, tapping a brown paper 
envelope on her bedside, as Remus set down the weird vase he’d drunkenly transfigured. 
“What are they pictures of?” He asked, cautiously, pulling up a seat beside her. He 
didn’t want to be caught unawares by anything too painful. 
“Some of you, as a baby,” she smiled with shiny coral lips, “Some of me and your 
father.” 
“Lyall.” Remus said, quickly. 
“Me and Lyall,” she corrected herself, out of politeness. 
Hope would bend over backwards to save Remus even the smallest upset; that much 
was clear from the beginning. He found it unsettling; very few people had ever cared about 
his feelings so intensely before. 
He picked up the envelope, and held it for a moment. 
“You don’t have to look. We can do it another time.” Hope said, a tremor of fear in her 
voice. He didn’t want to frighten her. He wanted to tell her not to worry; that he wasn’t 
going to run away, or disappear forever; that he wanted to be there, and get to know her. 
But that was all too much, so he just opened the package and smiled, 
“No, I want to see.” 
Fortunately there weren’t very many - but he was surprised to find that more than half 
of the photographs were magical, and the images moved in his hands like film reels. 
“I’ve had to keep them hidden,” Hope confided, “Lyall never liked the usual sort of 
photography; he said they were too flat.” 

514 

“How old is he, in this one?” Remus held up a photograph of both of his parents, 
standing in someone’s back garden. Lyall was wearing a muggle suit, and they were both 
squinting against the sunshine, but smiling. He had his arm around Hope’s waist. 

“Oh, I think we’d only met a few weeks before that was taken,” Hope said, taking it 
from him to look closer, “He’d have been… thirty, I think?” 

Remus looked at it again. He knew he looked like Lyall, he’d been told so a few times, 
and to some extent he agreed. They were both gangly; tall and skinny with bad posture. But 
Lyall looked more at ease than Remus had ever felt in his over-long body; his movements in 
the photograph were confident and self-assured. 

She let him take the pictures back to school, and he tentatively showed his friends. 
Over his seven years at Hogwarts, he had been shown a lot of family photos. Peter and 
James kept pictures in frames on their bedside, or else tacked up on the walls over their 
dressers. Lily had an album that she flipped through when she was homesick, and Mary had 
a shoebox full of holiday snaps, Christmases, postcards and pictures of her cousins in 
Jamaica. So it was a surprisingly nice experience, Remus thought, being able to share his 
own modest collection. 

“That’s them,” he said, shyly, as they sat around the fireplace, “They’re my parents.” 

“Remus you look just like your dad!” Lily said, meaning to be kind. 

“Wow, look at your mum’s hair!” Mary grinned, “What a glamour puss!” 
“Ahhh!” James snatched another picture, waving it at everyone, “Look at little baby 
Moony!” 
It was silly, Remus knew, but he even felt the beginnings of pride, sharing his family 
like that. Proof that he’d been normal, once; just like his friends. ​This is who I am. This is who 
I came from. 
One afternoon he even returned to the Ravenclaw corridor to see the duelling trophy 
with Lyall’s name on it. It was the same as ever, but no longer gave him that mysterious 
ache of longing as it had in second year.   

Christopher and Marlene walked past, while he was looking at it. 
“Oh, ‘Lupin’!” Christopher said, surprised, peering into the case to read the trophy, “Is 
that your dad? Cool!” 
“Thanks,” Remus put his hands in his pockets, suddenly bashful. Marlene touched his 
shoulder in a friendly, comforting way. He smiled at her, gratefully. “I met my mum 
recently,” Remus explained to Christopher, “And it just had me thinking.” 

“You met your mum? I thought your parents were dead.” Christopher scratched his 
head. Honestly, if it wasn’t written down in a book then he could be incredibly dense about 
some things. 

“Just Lyall.” Remus said, calmly, nodding at the trophy. 

“So if you mum’s ok, why did you live in a home?” 
“Shut up, Chris.” Marlene said, tutting. She slipped her arm through Remus’s, linking 
them together, “Come on, love, it’s dinner soon.” She began to lead him away. 

“I didn’t mean to be rude!” Christopher said, hurrying along behind them. 

515 

“It’s ok.” Remus reassured him, doing some quick thinking. “My mum’s in the 
hospital; she’s not been well enough to look after me.” It was only half a lie. 

* * * 
“What was he like?” Remus asked Hope, next time he saw her. A pot of geraniums, 
this time, bright red and gaudy, with lovely wide leaves like chinese fans. 

“Lyall?” She asked. 

He nodded, braced for impact. 
“He was the cleverest man I ever met.” Hope said, decisively. “I never understood half 
the things he said, but I loved to listen - and he loved to talk.” 

“Sounds a bit… arrogant?” Remus said, uncomfortably. Hope laughed, 
“Oh, he was arrogant, all right! He knew it, too. Always had to be right, had to have 
the last word. We fought like cat and dog over it, sometimes.” She saw Remus’s look of 
dismay, and hurried to clarify, “I loved him for it, though. I loved how sure he was; how 
reliable. He never let me down.” 
Yes he did.​ Remus thought, bitterly. She was forgetful about things like that - perhaps 
it was her illness, or just a side effect of a shortened life. She was relentlessly optimistic, 
unable to find fault in the people she loved. 

She told him how they’d met, like it was a fairytale. 
“I was walking home from work one afternoon - I was an operator at the telephone 
exchange, back then. I took a shortcut - same one I always did, from the main bus stop in 
town - through a little bit of woodland. Then, from out of nowhere, this man came and 
attacked me - a vagrant, I thought, or an escaped prisoner. I screamed, and it was Lyall who 
saved me. Well, I loved him the moment he held me in his arms; he was a hero. Of course, 
he told me later it had only been a boggart, but it was still very brave, wasn’t it?” 

Remus nodded absently.   
“I’ve met some people who knew him,” He said, “They’ve told me he had a bad 
temper.” 
“What? No.” She frowned, “He got het up sometimes - don’t we all? But he was always 
kind, and always gentle with us. He hated violence.” 
“Right.” Remus nodded. He never knew what to think about Lyall. Nothing about him 
ever felt real, because nothing Remus ever learnt could wipe away what he’d done. 

Conversations with Hope weren’t always difficult. Often they were very pleasant; they 
talked about small, inconsequential things; likes and dislikes, favourite foods, favourite 
films or songs. 

She loved The Beatles, and Fairport Convention - and most of all she liked Simon and 
Garfunkel. She like sad songs. She hummed along to ‘The Only Living Boy in New York’, 
when it came on the record player, but ‘America’ was her favourite, because it made her cry. 
I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why. 

Sometimes she was very unwell, and she dozed, wavering in and out of consciousness. 
He just sat by and read his book until it was time to go. She even asked him to read to her, 
once or twice, 

516 

“I don’t care what it’s about, I just like your voice,” she would smile under heavy 
eyelids. He liked those times; he really felt like they belonged to each other, then. 

“Have you asked her why, yet?” Sirius asked him one evening, when he’d returned 
from a day at the hospital. 

“Asked her why what?” Remus yawned, stretching out and placing his feet in Sirius’s 
lap. He thought they could get away with that - it wasn’t t​ oo​ intimate, and the common 
room was relatively quiet. 

“You know. Why she never got in touch.” 
Remus frowned. He leaned his head back on the arm of the settee and stared up at the 
ceiling. 
“No.” He said, “I don’t see the point asking.” 
“I’d want to know.” Sirius replied, fiddling with Remus’s bootlaces. 
“Well.” Remus replied, coldly, “That’s you.” 
“Ok,” Sirius replied, “Sorry.” 
Remus felt a twinge of guilt. Sirius had been extremely sensitive about bringing up 
Hope, letting Remus take the lead when it came to discussing it, so it wasn’t fair to snap. 
In truth, he was terrified. He wanted very much to know exactly what Hope had been 
doing with herself for thirteen years, but he knew that there was no answer that would 
satisfy him. The other children that had been mentioned by the nurse on his first visit were 
never brought up, and she didn’t wear a wedding ring. There were no other photographs 
around her hospital bed, and no sign that anyone else was visiting. 
And Remus was selfish. He liked having Hope all to himself; pretending there was no 
one else in the world. It was the only way they could communicate for now, he decided; to 
shut out all the noise of other people, and just be themselves together. 
“That’s a big book,” she smiled, waking up halfway through another visit. Daisies, that 
time; big, cheerful, friendly flowers. “What’s it about?” 
“History revision.” He explained, closing it carefully, now she was awake. “I’ve got my 
final exams coming up.” 
“Clever boy,” she murmured, her eyelids fluttering. “What’s your best subject?” 
“Um… History, I s’pose.” He replied, “But I’m good at Charms, and I like Care of 
Magical Creatures a lot.” 
“Just like your dad,” she smiled, eyes closing. Her face was very pale, that day, and he 
didn’t try to correct her, she was obviously exhausted. “Maybe you’ll save a pretty girl from 
a boggart, one day.” She chuckled quietly. 
“Yeah, maybe.” He replied. Then, because he felt bad about lying, “I like 
Transfiguration, too, but my friend Sirius is the best in the class - he can turn himself into a 
dog and everything.” 
She smiled, 
“Sirius is a nice name.” 

517 

“Yeah. Sirius Black.” Remus said. He was glad her eyes were closed, it made things 
easier. “He’s my best friend. ...I mean, I have a lot of friends, but he’s the most… we’re 
probably going to live together, after school finishes.” 

“That’ll be nice…” she fell asleep again. Remus fidgeted for a bit, feeling anxious, then 
returned to his revision. He woke her up just before he had to leave, though. 

“See you next week?” She clasped his hand with surprising strength. 
“No, sorry,” he shook his head, “I… next Friday is a full moon, so I won’t be able to 
travel on Saturday.” 
“Full moon…” she murmured, taking a few seconds to understand. When the fog 
cleared she had a sharp look of panic which Remus couldn’t bear, 
“Maybe I can come on Sunday, though. I’ll see.” He bent down and kissed her cheek, 
very lightly. She began to cry, and he had to go. He was halfway across the ward when he 
heard her mutter, very quietly, 
“Damn you, Lyall Lupin, you bastard.” 
 
(Song: America - Simon and Garfunkel) 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  

518 

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-THREE 

Seventh Year: Breakdown 

 
If I seem a little jittery I can't restrain myself 
I'm falling into fancy fragments 
Can't contain myself 
I gotta breakdown, breakdown, yeah 
I gotta breakdown, breakdown, yeah 
  
Friday 24th March 1978 
03:00 AM 

Remus rolled over again. He couldn’t sleep; he was too hot with the duvet on; too cold 
if he pushed it off. His legs kept getting all tangled up in the bedsheets, his pillow had 
lumps in it, and somewhere in Gryffindor tower a tap was dripping, which was driving him 
insane. On top of this, he just didn’t ​feel​ tired. 

He sighed heavily and rolled over again. Beside him, Sirius groaned. 
“Moony, you are my best friend, and I would probably dive in front of a curse for you, 
but if you wake me up one more time then I cannot be held responsible for my actions.” He 
said this all without opening his eyes. 
“Sorry,” Remus whispered, “I think it’s the moon, I can’t sleep.” 
“Mmmrgh.” 
“Sorry.” 
He got out of bed. It was no use keeping both of them up. 
Outside of the bed curtains, in the early morning gloom of their bedroom, Remus 
stood at the window for a while. It was a clear night, and the moon was almost full. Just one 
slither missing; he wondered if he had ever seen a full moon with his own human eyes. 
Perhaps he’d been too young to remember. 
The forest beneath the moon was black with shadow, and it seemed unbelievable to 
Remus that in only a few hours he and his friends would be running through those dark 
mysterious trees as if it was their own personal playground. Just now, it looked terrifying; a 
great black pit that could swallow you whole. 
Only four more moons at Hogwarts. And then what? 
He put that thought away for another time. 
Remus looked at his own empty bed, unenthusiastically. The curtains hadn’t been 
drawn over for weeks, because he never slept there; only used it for homework. As a 
consequence it was covered with books, broken quills, chocolate wrappers, scrunched up 
balls of paper. Even if it had been tidy, the sheets looked somehow cold and uninviting in 
the moonlight. He’d have sighed again, but he didn’t want to make any more noise. 

519 

There were some biscuits in the common room. A tin of garibaldi’s from Mrs Potter. If 
he took his book and his fags, he could have quite a pleasant few hours before he finally fell 
asleep or it was time for breakfast. His stomach growled, and that was the decision made. 
He pulled on a pair of thick socks (they were Peter’s, actually, but he never minded lending 
stuff like that too much), picked up his wand and his book, and crept down to the common 
room, careful to step over the squeaky stair as he did. 

As Remus pushed open the door to the common room, he realised too late that he was 
not alone. The fireplace was roaring, and the lamps around the couches glowing warmly. A 
figure was curled up on the largest red velvet settee, wrapped in a thick maroon blanket, 
with just a long black plait poking out of the top. In the armchair, clutching a mug of warm 
ovaltine, staring fixedly a the fire, was Marlene. She looked up as he entered, and Remus 
had no choice but to smile affably and approach her. 

As he neared, he could see that her eyes were dark and heavy, her cheeks red and 
tearstained. 

“Hi,” he said, low, so as not to wake Yaz. 
She gave a small, faraway smile, unfurling slightly, wiping her cheeks. 
“Hi.” 
“You ok?” He stood just close enough. He didn’t want to know the answer. He 
regretted everything, and wished with every fibre of his being that he was back in bed with 
Sirius, getting kicked in the shin every time he rolled over. 
Marlene shook her head mournfully, staring at the fire, her eyes filling up with tears. 
It was a familiar sight, these days, and not just Marlene. Bad news was so common. Family 
members in hospital, or dead, or - worse than either - missing. 
“I said he could get in touch through the fireplace, if he wanted to talk tonight.” She 
whispered, her voice hoarse as an old woman's. “Danny. It's the full moon tomorrow. Well, 
tonight, I suppose.” She glanced at the grandfather clock. 
“Oh, is it?” Remus assumed as casual an air as possible. 
Marlene nodded, still looking at the fire. 
“It has to be tonight, you see; he’s going to the ministry tomorrow and they’ll lock him 
up in the cells there. I wanted to go home for it, but he says there’s nothing I can do.” 
“I suppose there isn’t.” Remus’s stomach was clenching so hard he wanted to double 
over, he was so nervous and jittery already. “He’ll be ok…” he tried, hoping he sounded kind. 
“He’ll survive it.” She said, bitterly. “But I don’t think he’ll be ok. It takes a bit of you 
away, every time. I’ve seen them, at St Mungo’s. And… he told me. How it feels.” 
“Why?!” 
“I asked.” She shrugged. “Madam Pomfrey says I have a curious mind, that's why I’ll 
be a good healer. I wanted to know, so I could help. But he was so down after last month, so 
weak.” 
“I’m sure just being there for him helps.” Remus tried. 
Marlene wiped her eyes again with her sleeves. 

520 

“It just doesn’t seem like enough.” She sighed heavily, and her focus seemed to return 
a bit. She looked at him properly, for the first one, “Sorry love, is everything ok with you? 
What are you doing up?” 

“Oh, just couldn’t sleep.” He raised his book to demonstrate. 
“Me neither. I knew Danny probably wouldn’t try to get through, but I couldn’t go to 
bed, just in case. Poor Yaz tried her best,” she gave the girl sleeping on the couch an 
affectionate look. “She’s too good for me by half.” 
“Personally I don’t think anyone’s good ​enough​ for you.” Remus said - though it wasn’t 
him speaking, not really - they were Sirius’s words. He’d noticed himself sounding more 
and more like Sirius, and found he didn't mind it. Anyway, it made Marlene smile again. 
“Lovely boy.” She said, softly. “Sit down, eh? You’re making me nervous hovering like 
that.” 
He sat awkwardly on the the sofa opposite Yaz. Marlene sat up, stretching, as though 
her back hurt. As she unfolded her legs from underneath her a quill fell onto the floor. 
“Oops,” she leaned over to pick it up, “I was going to try and write him a letter. But I 
don’t know what to say.” She pulled the blank parchment out from the side of the armchair 
cushion. 
Remus sat stiffly with his book on his lap. 
“Is it really a cell they put him in? At the ministry?” He asked, unable to contain his 
grim curiosity. She stood up to stretch more, and nodded, 
“Yeah. Mum said. He wouldn’t tell me about it - which means it must be bad. Mum 
said it’s better I don’t know too much…” 
“Mmm.” Remus kept with mouth shut, not trusting himself. Marlene tilted her head 
sympathetically, 
“I’m so sorry, Remus, I didn’t even think. I feel awful whinging to you about this, 
given your situation.” 
“What?!” He stared up at her, his heart skipping a beat. 
“With your mum being in the hospital,” Marlene replied, yawning, setting down the 
quill and parchment on the coffee table between them. “No wonder you can’t sleep, either.” 
“Oh, yeah…” He willed himself to calm down. “Yeah. It’s ok, though, I understand.” 
“Can I sit with you for a bit? You can read your book, I won’t bother you.” She asked, 
biting her lip. “I just don’t want to be the only one awake.” 
“Yeah, of course.” 
To his surprise, she didn’t sit back down, but came over to join him on the couch. She 
settled in, making herself comfortable, pulling a blanket up to her chin. He pretended to do 
the same, opening his book and leaning casually against the arm of the chair. 
“Revision?” She asked, resting her cheek on his shoulder. 
“What else,” he replied. “Advanced Arithmancy.” 
“Oh Remus,” she yawned again, her voice thick, “How ​fascinating​.” She relaxed a bit, 
and rested a hand on his knee. He gave it a quick squeeze for comfort. 

521 

“You know me,” he said softly, joining in her sarcasm, “I live dangerously.”   
She gave a quiet chuckle, her eyes closing. He read, and felt her heartbeat steady, her 
breathing even out, and in only a few minutes she was fast asleep, a dead weight curled up 
against him. He didn’t mind; it was quite nice. 
Remus stopped reading after Marlene had fallen asleep. He gently closed his book and 
just sat pondering for a while. He could smell the salt of her tears drying on her skin, and 
the anxiety in her blood. And he couldn’t get Danny out of his mind, in an imagined 
Ministry of Magic cell - probably underground, probably bare and dark and cold… 
The pain would be a real shock, if you’d never experienced it before, Remus thought. 
He could well imagine that the second full moon would feel even worse; because you’d 
know what was coming. No wonder Danny didn’t want to talk about it. 
If what Marlene said was true, then her brother had no one else to ask about it. No one 
to tell him that if you tried to fight the transformation; if you tried to brace yourself against 
it, then it only hurt more. That murtlap essence was best for the initial cuts, but if you used 
muggle disinfectant too then the skin knit back together neater. Then there were the things 
that Remus wasn’t sure if ​anyone​ knew - about the scent of magic, or how you could draw 
from it. How it made you stronger, as long as you could channel it right. How being a 
werewolf meant lots of things, and not all of them were awful. 
No closer to sleep, Remus reached for the blank bit of parchment and began to write. 

* * * 
I feel my brain like porridge coming outta my ears 
And I was anticipating reverie 
Taken leave of my senses and I'm in arrears 
My legs buckle over, I'm living on my knees 
I gotta breakdown, yeah 
You gimme breakdown, yeah 
I'm gonna breakdown, yeah, uh-huh 
  
Friday 24th March 1978 
5:30 PM 

“You don’t have to walk me,” Remus snapped, irritably, “I know where the hospital 
wing is.” 

“I know,” Sirius replied, cheerfully, getting up anyway. 
James, Peter and Lily all looked down at their food 
“You haven’t finished your dinner.” Remus frowned. 
“Nor have you.” 
“That’s because I don’t want to puke all over myself when the crippling agony hits.” 
Remus muttered, darkly. 
Sirius glanced down at their friends, staring stalwartly at their empty plates. 
“C’mon, Moony, let's go…” he said, a bit more gently. 

522 

Remus shoved his hands deep in his robe pockets and strode quickly out of the Great 
Hall, forcing Sirius to jog slightly to keep up. “Hey!” The dark haired boy hurried after him. 

Remus didn’t slow down until they were halfway to the hospital wing. 
“Ok, I get it, you’re in one of your dark moods,” Sirius puffed. 
“I’m always in a dark mood.” Remus tutted. “You ought to stop smoking, how are we 
going to beat Slytherin if you’re so out of breath you can’t keep up with ​me?​ ” 
“You can talk,” Sirius straightened up. “This is the first time I’ve seen you without a 
fag in your mouth for weeks. Anyway. What’s wrong?” 
“Really? You have to ask.” Remus sped up again. 
“Ok, ok,” Sirius grabbed his arm to slow him down, “You’re not sleeping and you 
couldn’t have dinner even though pudding was millionaire shortbread, which is your 
favourite… Fair enough, I’d be grumpy too.” 
“I’m not ‘grumpy’.” Remus objected. 
“Touchy, then.” 
“Fuck ​off​.” Remus practically growled. “Leave me alone if you’re going to be an arse.” 
“I’m just trying to keep things in perspective!” 
“You don’t understand.” 
“Make me understand!” 
They were near-ish the hospital wing now, and everyone was at dinner, so the corridor 
was empty - which was lucky, because Remus didn’t check before he completely lost his 
rag. 
“M​ ake​ you understand?!” He raved, “Fucking hell, ok, go on then. Understand that I’m 
climbing the bloody walls with worrying and stressing and… it’s NEWTs and the bloody 
moon and my fucking mother crying because I can’t see her tomorrow because my fucking 
dad couldn’t control his fucking temper and now I’m… and ​Marlene​ crying over her brother, 
which wasn’t even my fucking fault, but it bloody well feels like it, and school’s nearly 
finished, and there’s a war on, and a quidditch match and this big prank, and my hip hurts, 
and I’m just ​tired​, and I really, really wanted pudding!” 
He felt foolish, once it was over, but a bit better too. Like there had been a balloon 
inflating in his chest all this time, and it had finally popped, giving him space to breathe 
again. He stood there, glaring at Sirius, waiting for a reaction. 
“M​ y goodness.​ ” The portrait across from them said. She was a very stern looking witch, 
seated in a high backed wooden chair. “I’ve never heard such disgusting language.” 
“Oh piss off you daft old trollop.” Sirius shot at her, in a very good imitation of Remus. 
He looked at Remus again, and his face cracked into a smile, “You want to sit down for a 
bit? I think that’s the most you’ve ever said in one go.” 
Remus exhaled, and smiled weakly back. 
“Sorry.” 
“For what? Come on, Madam Pomfrey’ll be having kittens…” They carried on their 
way, and the air was cleared, and nothing seemed quite so grim. Still, Remus hated Sirius 

523 

having to go; knowing that the next time they’d see each other neither of them would be 
quite themselves. 

“So the way I see it,” Sirius said, still cheerful, after all that, “If I run back to the hall as 
fast as I can, I can get the last of the millionaire shortbread and wrap it up for you to have 
for breakfast. Anything else I can do to help?” 

“You’re such a wanker sometimes.” 
“Yep.” 
“Actually, there is something…” 
“A​ nything​.”   
“Er… could you post this, for me?” Remus handed him a sealed envelope. Sirius took 
it, looking down with a frown. 
“Are you sure?” 
“No. But it’s the right thing to do.” 
“Ok. I’ll do it right now.” 
“Thank you.” 
“Anything for our Moon---” 
Remus shut him up with a kiss. 

* * * 
Whatever makes me tick 
It takes away my concentration 
Sets my hands trembling, gives me frustration 
Breakdown, yeah. I’m gonna breakdown yeah. 
I hear that two is company, 
For me it's plenty trouble 
Though my double thoughts are clearer 
Now that I am seeing double 
Breakdown, yeah 
 
Saturday 25th March 1978 

The transformation hadn’t been as bad as he’d expected - maybe because nothing can 
ever be that bad, when you truly expect the worst. And the night itself was wonderful; he 
had run and run and run, until Prongs and Wormtail were lost, miles behind them, and it 
was just the wolf and the dog, snapping at each other playfully, goading each other on. 

In the morning, once Remus had writhed and twisted back into his human body, he 
felt as though his bones were made of cooked spaghetti, he was so exhausted. He stumbled 
back to the hospital wing with Madam Pomfrey, half asleep, and was grateful to collapse 
into his favourite bed by the far window and sleep the whole morning away. It was blissful, 
to not be worrying; not fidgeting or clenching his jaw or looking for a distraction. 

It was late afternoon, before Marlene finally heard about the letter. 

524 

The noise of her arguing with Madam Pomfrey woke Remus. He jolted awake, heart 
beating faster at the sound of raised voices. The first thing he saw was Sirius, fast asleep in 
the chair next to him, arms folded across his chest, head lolling, feet propped up on the 
edge of the hospital bedframe. There was a plate of at least twenty millionaire shortcakes 
on the bedside table. 

Sirius’s eyes snapped open a few seconds after Remus, and he blinked, surprised, and 
frowned. 

“Is that McKinnon?!” 
“LET ME SEE HIM POPPY!” 
“MISS MCKINNON, I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT HAVE THIS--” 
“I KNOW HE’S HERE!” 
“I SHALL CALL PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL!” 
“REMUS?! REMUS LUPIN!” 
“I’m here, Marlene,” Remus began to get out of bed, ready to face the music. If it was 
all over, he’d still made it seven years. He was still legally allowed to perform magic, even if 
he did get exposed. “It’s ok, Madam Pomfrey,” he called, as Marlene came clattering across 
the ward, yanking back the screen which hid him. 
“Is it true?!” Her hair flew about her face as she stormed in, her eyes wide and wild. 
She stared at him, and Remus knew she was really seeing him, for the first time; 
analysing. A natural Healer, Marlene looked at the bed, and Sirius, and Remus’s scars and 
battered frame, and he knew she was remembering every time he had been tired, or missed 
a lesson, or had a new scratch. The light of truth flashed her her eyes, and she burst into 
tears. “You fucking bastard.” 
 
(Song: Breakdown - The Buzzcocks) 
 
 
 
 

  

525 

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-FOUR 

Seventh Year: Choices 

 
Her phobia is infection 
She needs one to survive 
It's her built-in protection 
Without fear she'd give up and die 
  
He's a germ free adolescent 
Cleanliness is her obsession 
Cleans her teeth ten times a day 
Scrub away, scrub away, scrub away 
The S.R. way. 

  
“You fucking bastard!” 
“Oi!” Sirius was on his feet, at once. 
“It’s ok,” Remus said - not sure who he was talking to; Sirius, who had leapt into 
defence mode, or Marlene, sobbing and red faced and angry. 
“Bastard!” She said again, defiantly, rubbing at her eyes. 
“Miss McKinnon!” Madam Pomfrey appeared, looking uncharacteristically flustered, 
“I will have you escorted out if you cannot be civil.” 
“And you!” Marlene turned on her, “You said you didn't know anything about it! You 
said you’d never worked with one before!” 
“Don’t blame her, Marlene please…” Remus said, sitting down on the bed again, 
feeling a bit woozy, “She was only trying to protect me!” 
“How long?!” Marlene spun around and glared at him again. 
“... since I was five.” 
“Bastard!” 
“Marlene, please…” 
She flung a piece of parchment down on the bed. It was a letter, folded up and a bit 
dog-eared from all the fuss. Remus reached for it with shaking hands. Marlene stood there, 
stone-faced, waiting for him to read it. 
He unfolded it and looked down, and tried his hardest. Most of the time now, he had 
no trouble at all reading. But he was still very tired, and so nervous that all of a sudden he 
felt eleven years old again, the letters seeming to shift and change as he tried to make sense 
of them. 
“Sorry,” he shook his head, “Sorry, I’ve got a headache, what does it… er…?” 
Sirius took it from him, and in doing so, placed himself conspicuously between Remus 
and Marlene. He cleared his throat, frowning a bit. 

526 

“It’s from Danny McKinnon… bloody hell, Moony, what have you done?” 
“Please just tell me what it says,” Remus shook his head, leaning forward and cradling 
his forehead in his hands. He really was getting a headache. Marlene was tapping her foot 
impatiently, and Madam Pomfrey was still hovering, obviously unsure whether or not to 
pull rank on this whole situation. 
Sirius scanned the page, much more comfortable with all the attention. 
“He says ‘thank you’.” He said. 
“What?!” Remus looked up, squinting, 
“Well, that’s the ​gist…​ ” Sirius replied, still reading, “...He received a letter when he 
arrived home this morning from one of Marlene’s friends, who ‘claims to be a werewolf’. It 
had a lot of useful advice, and he’d like to meet you. He says he won’t tell anybody, and he 
has no idea who you are anyway.” 
“But I do.” Marlene said. She had stopped crying now, and her voice was a bit calmer, 
but Remus could feel the heat of emotion radiating from her. 
“Yes.” Remus nodded, his neck stiff, “I knew you’d work it out.” 
“And you sent the letter anyway?” She faltered for a moment. 
“I wanted to help.” He shrugged. 
There was a long pause. Remus would have liked to lie down, but felt that it wouldn’t 
be well received. 
“Dumbledore knows? And McGonagall?” Marlene was speaking much more quietly 
now, as if she could hardly believe it. 
“Yes.” 
“It’s so dangerous.” She whispered, “You could have killed someone.” 
“No.” Sirius said, hands on his hips, “It’s all been perfectly safe, ever since first year, 
hasn’t it, Poppy? Remus would never hurt anyone.” 
“Remus wouldn’t.” Marlene met his eyes, “But the wolf might.” 
“I haven’t, not ever.” Remus felt the need to confirm. “We’ve done everything 
possible.” 
“Are you registered?” She snapped. 
“Er… well ​almost​ everything possible.” He conceded. 
“And you… you just wanted to help Danny? You weren’t trying to… I don’t know, get 
him on side?” 
“What side are you talking about, McKinnon?!” Sirius stepped forward, threateningly, 
“Moony’s on ​our​ side. He’s your ​friend.​ ” 
“I thought he was.” Marlene replied. She wasn’t afraid of Sirius; she could best him on 
the quidditch pitch any day, and Madam Pomfrey was standing right there. 
“I had to keep it secret, Marlene,” Remus pleaded, the tension too unbearable, “I had 
to, otherwise I could never have come to Hogwarts at all. You know what it’s like when 
there’s something… different about you. You know what ​people​ are like.” 

527 

He met her eye as he said this, and saw her turn cold with fear as it dawned on her 
exactly what he was alluding to. 

“How dare you.” She said. “How ​dare​ you.” 

“No, I didn’t mean--” He held his hands up, but it was too late. 
“Stay away from my family!” She snapped, before turning on her heel and storming 
away, in much the same way as she had arrived. 
Remus exhaled. He didn’t really feel afraid, though he had no idea what Marlene 
planned to do next. He wondered vaguely if he could do his NEWT exams by 
correspondence - or if the Potters would let him stay at theirs without James or Sirius being 
there. But his head was too much of a muddle to make a proper plan, and he thought he’d 
rather just get some sleep while he could. 

He lay back down on the bed, Madam Pomfrey and Sirius watching him. 

“I’m ok.” He said, “Honestly. Just going to have a little rest.” 

“I’m going to speak to Professor McGonagall at once.” Madam Pomfrey said, finally. 
“I think,” Remus said, sleepily, closing his eyes, “You might be better off talking to 
Marlene, once she’s calmed down. She respects your opinion. Don’t get her in trouble, she 
hasn’t done anything wrong.” 
Madam Pomfrey gave him a very soft look, then, and came over to smooth his 
bedsheets a bit, touching his hand gently before leaving. 
“Hasn’t done anything wrong.” Sirius muttered, scuffing his feet against the flagstone 
floor. “She’s being a bigoted little cow.” 
“It’s not an uncommon point of view,” Remus sighed, “I might as well get used to it 
some time.” 

“I ought to go and--” 

“No.” Remus said, sharply, “Leave her alone.” 

“But she’s going to--” 
“She’s going to talk to her friends, first.” Remus said, firmly. “Lily and Mary. I’d rather 
she talked to them. They’re the best people in this situation.” He yawned. 

“Bloody hell, Moony.” Sirius shook his head. “How can you be so calm?!” 

“I’m knackered.” Remus replied. And it was the last thing he said for hours. 

* * * 
The thing was, whichever way it went, Remus couldn’t see much of a future for 
himself at Hogwarts anyway. He was grateful, obviously, for everything Dumbledore, 
McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey had done for him. He’d loved every one of his subjects 
(except Potions, maybe) and above all he had a group of friends who were dearer to him 
than any family would ever be. But the good things would stay good, if he had to go. 
He might have more time to spend with Hope. More time to dedicate to winning this 
terrible war. Remus was no longer really learning anything at school that he hadn’t already 
got from books. He yearned for practical experience; he wanted to be ​truly​ tested. You 
didn’t need NEWTs for that, just a well stocked library and enough nerve. Remus had 
everything he needed now, to do the thing he had wanted to do almost all his life. 

528 

If Marlene got him dismissed from school, then Remus was finally free to seek out 
Greyback. 

The idea had been ticking away ever since he learnt the werewolf's name. And that 
night he’d written to Danny, everything seemed very clear. 

It was the thing he was born to do. Almost as if he had inherited the task from Lyall. 
Gawky, insignificant, second-class Remus Lupin was never going to bring down 
anyone so insidiously terrible and all powerful as Lord Voldemort. But the wolf in him 
knew he might have a chance at Fenrir Greyback. Remus knew it might kill him, but he was 
bloody well going to do some damage first. 
He’d said nothing to Sirius about this. As far as they’d come together, Remus was 
deeply ashamed of his own desire for revenge; his inability to tame that reckless rage. Sirius 
looked to him for self control; for a reasonable, measured response, and Remus wasn’t 
about to shatter that illusion and risk ruining everything that worked about their dynamic. 

Anyway, Remus was eighteen now, and muggle or wizard, he could make choices for 
himself, no matter how dangerous. And if it took upsetting Marlene to kick everything off, 
then at least he’d been able to help her brother in some small way. One of Matron’s 
fatalistic catchphrases popped into his head, then: “​no good deed goes unpunished”​ . Though 
what good deeds Matron had ever done, he didn’t know. 

It was dinner time, when he woke for the second time that day. Sirius wasn’t there any 
more, but the marauder’s map was tucked under Remus’s pillow. He withdrew it and saw 
that the marauders were all in the common room, Mary and Lily close by. There was a 
chicken pie on a plate by his bedside, magically kept warm somehow - Remus hadn’t 
worked it out yet, maybe a charm on the plate? 

He decided he would eat before anything else, and did so in silence, thinking at a mile 
a minute, as if his brain was making up for all the time he’d wasted sleeping. He scanned 
the map for Marlene. She was in the girls’ dorm, with Yaz. 

He didn’t know if that was good or bad. No angry mobs had come by brandishing 
pitchforks yet, which was probably a good sign. Madam Pomfrey came over just as he was 
finishing his second slice of millionaire shortbread. The thick oozy caramel was very 
comforting. 

“How are you feeling, dear?” She asked, deep frown lines in her face. 
“Fine!” He said, brightly. He held out the plate to her, “Want one? I’ll never eat them 
all.” This was a lie and they both knew it, but Madam Pomfrey was polite enough to go 
along with him. 

“Well… as there’s no one else on the ward today,” she smiled, sitting in the chair 
beside him and accepting a sweet. She conjured up two saucers, then poured steaming hot 
tea from her wand, and it was all very pleasant, but Remus could feel a Big Talk coming on. 

“I’ll go, after this,” he said, “Get out of your hair.” 
“You’re never any trouble, Remus,” she replied kindly, blowing on her tea to cool it. 
“Even when you were a little boy.” 
“I was a right little git, in first year.” Remus countered. She smiled and shook her 
head, 

529 

“Not at all. A diamond in the rough.” 
“Oh.” He said, feeling himself heat up. Anyone else he’d have told to ‘shuddup’ or ‘piss 
off’, but he would never, ever have a rude word to say to Madam Pomfrey. 
“It’s flown by, the last few years,” she sighed, “I remember that little scrap of a thing 
you were; all eyes and elbows. You’ve grown into a fine young man.” 
He wished she’d stop, as nice as all of this was; he didn’t know what to do with it. 
“And you deserve every success, Remus, do you hear me?” She continued, “It’s not going to 
be easy for you, after school - and I know you know that.” 
He nodded. 
“I’ll be ok.” 
“You will.” She smiled, her eyes brightening with tears, “And if you ever need 
anything, you know where to reach me.” 
“Of course.” 
“I knew Danny McKinnon, you know,” She said, clearing her throat, h​ ere it comes​, 
Remus thought. But she’d cunningly overpowered him with all that nice stuff, and he just 
had to grit his teeth and listen now. 
“Yeah?” He said, casually, taking another slice of cake. 
“Yes, when he was a student here. Had him in here a hundred times for patching up - 
he was Gryffindor Beater, like Marlene. He was a bit more outgoing than she is.” 
“I dunno,” Remus returned, dryly, “She’s hardly a shrinking violet.” 
Madam Pomfrey smirked, despite herself, 
“No, quite. She has that McKinnon tenacity, and a keen sense of right and wrong.” 
“She does.” He sighed. He’d always liked that about Marlene; her straightforwardness, 
“And I know what you’re going to say - that everything isn’t that simple, that there are 
shades of grey, and that it doesn’t matter what people ​think​ about you, it matters what you 
do…” 
“Well… yes.” 
“I know all that, and it’s fine. I knew all that when I wrote to Danny, I even know how 
Marlene would react. But in the end, it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was 
helping him.” 
“I’m proud of you, Remus.” 
That threw him for a loop. His throat constricted, and he almost choked trying to 
swallow the last of his slice, the sugar turning to acid on its way down. He spluttered and 
coughed, reaching for the tea to wash it down. Madam Pomfrey got up, smiling. She patted 
him on the shoulder as he recovered. 
“I’ll let you get on.” 
He took a few moment to compose himself before getting up. He brushed the crumbs 
from the sheets and made the bed, though he knew he didn't really need to. The rest of the 
sweets he wrapped up into some parchment and carefully slid the package into his bag. He 
might need them, later. 

530 

Remus was almost surprised by how calm he felt. There was a sense of closing; of 
coming to an inevitable end. Someone was always going to find out, he told himself. He’d 
have been an idiot to think they could all hide such a big thing forever. They’d done a 
bloody good job, but it had all been luck, and they’d taken so many risks. At least this way, 
it had been Remus’s choice; he’d controlled it as much as he could. This way, the marauders 
were safe too. No one would know what they’d all been up to every full moon. 

He made his way slowly back to Gryffindor Tower. He was all stiff from sleeping all 
day, and was grateful for the opportunity to stretch his legs in privacy. Sirius hadn’t 
mentioned the hip problem for a while, but Remus saw him purse his lips, or frown 
whenever he noticed Remus limping or rubbing his side. 

“Blatherskite,” he said to the fat lady, who barely looked up from filing her fingernails 
to let him through. 

He entered the room and felt six pairs of eyes on him at once. Steeling himself and 
pasting on a careless smile, he approached his friends, sitting in their usual place, taking up 
two sofas and an armchair. 

“Moony!” Sirius got up from where he’d been sprawling to make room, “I was just 
going to come up and see if you were awake.” 

“I’m awake,” he said redundantly, taking his seat. 
“Sirius told us what you did.” Peter said, as if he couldn’t contain himself. He was 
fiddling with a chess piece - there was a game going on, but Remus couldn’t tell who Peter 
was playing. 
“Good,” Remus nodded. “Er… anyone spoken to Marlene?” 

“We got yelled at,” Mary sighed, indicating herself and Lily. “I think she's mostly hurt 
that she was the last to find out.” 

“Mm.” 
“She's not said much else, though. Been locked away with Yaz.” 

“Right.” 

“Listen, Moony,” James leaned over, eyes very serious, “We’ve been talking, and 
remember fifth year? Dumbledore stopped Snape from telling everyone. He can stop 
Marlene too, if it comes to that.” 

“He might.” Remus nodded, though he wasn’t so sure. He might serve Dumbledore 
better out of school now than he could have at sixteen. Especially considering the contacts 
Remus had already made. “But leave him out if it for now, ok?” 

“Why did you ​do​ it?!” Peter asked, still clutching the chess piece. 
“To help Danny.” Remus replied, surprised. He looked at all if them, “He was alone, no 
one was helping him, Marlene told me that herself.” 
“But Remus…” Lily said, “You knew how she would feel about it. You knew she 
wouldn’t understand.” 

“I knew that. But it was for Danny.” Remus repeated, firmly. 
They all promised to give it time, and see what Marlene decided to do next. Lily and 
Mary vowed that they would do everything they could, that night in their dorm, they would 

531 

explain, try to convince her. Remus thanked them, because he knew how much they cared 
about him. 

They had a quiet evening. Remus played chess with Peter and lost, then Sirius took 
over and they tied. James and Lily quizzed each other on potion ingredients and Mary half 
heartedly worked on job applications. 

“Half boring muggle secretarial stuff to please mum and half boring ministry of magic 
stuff to please McGonagall,” She sighed. 

Eventually they went to bed, one by one, and though Remus had barely been awake for 
three hours that day, he climbed the stairs yawning. Sirius had been very patient. He hadn’t 
said so much as a word yet, and Remus knew how difficult that must be for him. So when 
they were finally in bed, and as alone as they could ever be at Hogwarts, he lay quietly on 
his back and stares up at the velvet hangings, and let Sirius speak. 

“I won’t let her do this.” Sirius whispered into his ear, reaching for his hand, “I’ll talk 
to her, Mary and Lily’ll talk to her, and we’ll make her understand. McGonagall and Madam 
Pomfrey - they’ll want to help you, she'll listen to them if she won’t listen to her friends. Or 
Dumbledore. James could kick her off the team - ​anything​. We won’t lose you, Moony, 
you’ve worked too hard, you’re not getting kicked out just for trying to be nice to that 
ungrateful, stuck up, intolerant…” 

“It's going to be ok, Padfoot.” Remus said. 
“Exactly!” Sirius nodded, his hair rustling against the pillow, “Exactly, because we’re 
going to stop her.” 
“No, I mean - it doesn’t matter what happens; it's going to be ok. If I leave in three 
months or I have to go tomorrow, everything will still be ok.” 
“But your NEWTs!” 
“Well I w​ as​ looking forward to completely destroying you in History and Charms…” 
“And Arithmancy, I’ve been copying off you all year.” 
“And Arithmancy.” Remus laughed. “But… well the NEWTs don’t mean much. I still 
won’t be able to enter any of the ministry training programmes without registering as a 
werewolf - and I’m not going to do that, not ever. I dunno if I even really want to do that 
sort of job. What I ​want​ is to start changing things. That's why I wrote to Danny in the first 
place.” 
“...you mean you ​want​ to get kicked out?!” 
“I don’t think it will come to that. I don’t think Marlene would, even if she’s angry. But 
she might ask me to leave, and if it's what she wants, then I will.” 
“And join the war.” Sirius finished. His voice sounded strange. Not bad, but Remus 
knew he understood. 
“Yes, I suppose you could put it that way.” Remus nodded. 
“I’ll come with you, then. I don’t need NEWTs either, I’m a Black.” 
“I wouldn't ask you to do that.” 
“I know. But I will. We’ll go together.” 

532 

Remus didn’t want to admit it, but he was quietly thrilled. Perhaps it was the 
Gryffindor part of him, but leaving childhood behind and rushing head first into the 
unknown with his best friend sounded so gloriously tempting. It would be the making of 
them; away from Hogwarts and schedules and all of the silly little feuds and rivalries there. 
They had so much to offer, he knew it. Hadn’t they triumphed in everything they’d ever 
attempted? Weren’t they the heroes of every story so far? It would be nothing at all to them. 
They could end this war and really begin their lives. 

“Thank you.” He rolled over to kiss Sirius. He kissed his lips and his hands slid under 
his nightshirt and he kept kissing him, his lips, his neck, his jaw, “Thank you, thank you…” 

 
(Song: Germ Free Adolescents - X-ray Spex) 
 
 
 
 
 

  

533 

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-FIVE 

Seventh Year: What We Lack 

 
They were wonderful promises, but it wasn’t to be. Remus would not have the chance to make 
a mysterious and dignified early exit from Hogwarts, and Sirius would not get the opportunity to 
prove he would follow his Moony anywhere. 
Later - after the war was over and everything else was over too - Remus would wonder whether 
things might have gone differently if he and Sirius had left school then. Perhaps they could have 
kept each other closer, or by removing themselves they could have kept other people safer. 

Anyway. It didn’t happen, and it did no good to dwell on. 
For years and years afterwards, once the agony of all those funerals and obituaries and 
memorials and speeches had faded, Remus would be left with memories of his last months at 
Hogwarts, when they had been stupid and naive and indescribably happy without even knowing it. 

  

Wednesday 29th March 1978 
The weekend passed quietly; there was homework to complete and quidditch to train 

for and an enormously complicated prank to plan, and Marlene did not make a move in any 
direction. 

Sirius and James reported that she attended quidditch practice, and played as well as 
she ever had, but hadn't spoken to them. Mary said she was still upset, but that she hadn’t 
made her mind up whether or not to tell. 

They were well into the next week by the time Marlene finally decided to approach 
Remus again. She caught him alone - which was rare, these days. 

He was tidying up the Charms classroom following a revision session, just before the 
Wednesday ‘inter-house-prank-planning-co-operative’ meeting. Usually Chris helped, but 
he was down with a head cold, and had taken the afternoon off. Remus had half wanted to 
call off the group altogether. It all seemed so futile; learning and learning and learning - for 
what? To pass an exam, get a good mark, and then? If Greyback didn’t kill him before he 
was twenty then he would still be unemployable. But everyone seemed to like the study 
groups, and he hated letting them down. 

She entered the room smelling of herbs from the greenhouse - rosemary and sage and 
rich earthy soil. He turned, and unconsciously backed himself against a wall. 

“Hello.” He said. 

She stood still for a while, staring at him in total silence, before replying. 

“Hello. I’m furious with you.” 
“I know.” He nodded, trying to be understanding, “I think that’s fair enough. Are… 
um. Are you ready to talk about it?” 
“No.” She shot, folding her arms. She glared at him, and he averted his eyes, like a 
supplicant begging forgiveness. He heard her fidget a bit, and sigh impatiently. “But Danny 
says I have to.” 

534 

Remus consciously avoided smiling, but couldn’t ignore the flood of relief he felt at 
those words. He looked up again, carefully. 

“You’ve spoken to him properly, then?” 
“Yes. He said he tried the murtlap essence combined with muggle TCP, and he’s 
healing faster. And you were right about taking a sleeping draught.” 
“It’s the best thing, I’ve found. For healing.” Remus replied, warily, averting his eyes 
again. She made him feel so ashamed of himself. 
“Everyone knew except me.” Marlene said. She was leaning against the opposite wall 
now; the whole room between them, the jumble of chairs and desks. “Even Mary.” 
“She worked it out, I didn’t tell her.” 
“I always thought you were weird because you were queer.” 
He frowned a bit. Was he weird? He didn’t say anything, he couldn’t think of anything 
that would make it better. 
“You really hurt my feelings, Remus.” Marlene continued, “You lied to me for years. I 
thought we were friends, I shared things with you I haven’t told anyone else.” 
“We are friends!” Remus protested, “I’m y​ our​ friend, anyway.” 
He sighed heavily. Would it always be like this, when people found out? “Look, I 
couldn’t tell you; there were too many people involved… Madam Pomfrey, and even 
Dumbledore. I had to keep it quiet for their sakes, too. And… you’ve made it quite clear, in 
the past, how you feel about people like me.” 
“You should have ​told​ me.” 
“What would you have done?” Remus was getting annoyed now. “Complained? Told 
everyone? Got me expelled?” 
“I might not have.” She bit her lip and looked away. The less certain she was, the more 
angry Remus grew. 
“Well I didn’t much fancy taking the risk!” He said, “I haven’t got a family, or a real 
home to go to, in case you’d forgotten. I haven’t got ​anything​ going for me outside of this 
school, so forgive me for doing everything I could to stay.” 
“I understand that,” She looked up, quickly, reaching her hands out, “--and I’d never 
want to cause you any trouble, but R​ emus​, can’t you see how dangerous--” 
“I was eleven! I was only a kid, and this old man shows up and tells me I’m going to 
magic school - what would y​ ou​ have done?!” 
“Don’t shout at me!” She frowned, shrinking a bit. “I didn’t come to shout.” 
“Sorry.” He muttered. “I didn’t get my chance the other day.” 
“I’m sorry about that.” 
“Good.” 
They were quiet after that, both looking at the ground, both fidgeting with their 
hands. Remus could hear Marlene’s heart thudding in a steady, anxious rhythm. 

535 

“Look.” He said, keeping his voice low and steady, unclenching his fists. “If you want 
me to leave Hogwarts, then I will. As long as you ​promise​ not to get anyone else in trouble, 
I’m not going to put up a fight.” 

“But your NEWTs…” 
“They won’t matter if you’re going to tell everyone how dangerous I am.” 
“You sound like Danny.” 
Quiet again. Remus shook his head, tired and exasperated. He tried a different tack. 
“How is he, now? The letter said he wanted to meet me?” 
“He's ok.” She nodded, her eyes a bit bright. “I think it cheered him up, knowing that 
someone else was going through the same thing.” 
“Yeah,” Remus nodded, “It's something I would have liked. James and Sirius and 
Pete… they’ve always made sure I never felt alone. So I know how much of a difference it 
makes.” 
Marlene nodded and wiped her eyes. 
“I’m angry.” She said, tiredly. “But I don’t know if I’m angry with you. You just… it was 
such a shock, and I’m not sure how many more shocks I can take, these days.” 
He laughed, and didn’t really know why. 
She smiled, weakly. “I’m not going to say anything. I don’t want you to go anywhere. 
Danny says… he says we need to focus on our similarities, not our differences. Now more 
than ever. Lily and Mary said the same. I know they’re right, it’s just harder than I 
expected.” 
“I can’t have you hating me.” He said, warily. 
“I don’t hate ​you.​ ” 
“Hating what I am is the same thing.” 
“I’m trying, Remus.” She blinked away tears. “I swear, I’ll try.” 
“Thank you.” He nodded. 
For a split second he was disappointed; he’d been so ready for a change. Knowing he’d 
have to wait a bit longer stung for a moment, but dissipated quickly, like a door closing. 
That was that. He would finish school and beat everyone in History - Arithmancy too, 
probably - and watch the final quidditch game, and get too drunk celebrating with his 
friends. Greyback would wait. 
“Can I help you with this?” Marlene gestured at the messy classroom. “Potter and 
Black and their gang of miscreants will be here in a minute to plan their raid on Slytherin…” 
“Yeah, ok,” Remus nodded, and they both began moving the desks. The confrontation 
seemed to be over, and for now they were both satisfied. He was glad; it had been awful not 
having Marlene as a friend. 
Remus and Chris usually used magic to move the classroom furniture back, but 
Marlene had never been good at locomotion spells, so she just started lifting and pushing 
things. Remus didn’t want to show off now that they were back on tentative talking terms, 
so he did his best to match her. 

536 

“I’m going to talk to Mary.” Marlene said, suddenly, lifting a chair and pushing it 
under a desk. “Yaz wants me to. I told Danny already.” 

“That's good.” Remus smiled, encouragingly. “I’m sure Mary will be fine. She’s the 
least judgmental person I know.” 

“Yeah you’re probably right.” Marlene watched him, thoughtfully as he moved the 
final table back into place. “Remus?” 

“Hm?” 
“Is your limp because of the transformations?” 
“Am I limping?” Remus stood a bit straighter, self conscious. 
“Sometimes more than others,” she replied, matter of factly. “I always thought… with 
your upbringing. Someone did it to you.” 
He shook his head. 
“When I was thirteen or so, I think something clicked back into place a bit wonky.” 
He shrugged. “Gets a bit stiff now and then. I hardly think about it now.” 
“Mmm.” She replied, looking thoughtful. 
“--​How many times?​ !” 
The door flew open and Lily entered, looking furious, James trailing behind her, Peter 
and Sirius close behind, both smirking. “We said n​ o pranks​ until the end of term! We’re 
supposed to be keeping a low profile, you’re ​Head Boy!​ ” 
“C’mon, Evans,” James said, hands out, “That was nothing, barely even a prank, it 
was… er…” he cast a pleading glance at Sirius, 
“High spirits!” Sirius supplied. 
“High spirits!” James nodded, grinning. 
“All of the bathroom mirrors suddenly reflecting back t​ roll faces​ is high spirits?!” Lily 
rounded on them both. 
It was no good, all three boys collapsed into peals of laughter. 
Remus sniggered too; he’d done half the research for that one. The week before he’d 
spent hours searching through books of troll dynasty histories for portraits to get all the 
features right. He hoped he’d get a chance to catch some of the reactions before Flitwick 
managed to break the glamour spell they’d used. 
“You nutters.” Marlene smiled shyly. 
“Marlene!” Lily gasped. 
They all turned to look at her, and then to Remus, agape. He made a point of smiling 
back at them all, relaxing his shoulders and clapping his hands together. 
“Come on then! This co-operative isn’t going to run itself…” 

* * * 
Sirius still had some opinions about Marlene, of course. Remus refused to hear them. 
He wanted the matter closed, he wanted to move on. And he wanted to meet Danny, as soon 
as he possibly could. For the first time, for better or for worse, Remus felt he had an ally out 
there. Someone who was like him, on their side. He wrote another letter, then scrapped it 

537 

and tried again. Then again, and again. There was so much to say Remus wasn’t sure where 
to start. 

“What do you want to talk to him for, though?” Sirius yawned one night in bed, as 
Remus gave up on another attempt to properly introduce himself. “You know more about 
being a werewolf than he does, it's not as if he’ll have any special insight.” 

“It's not really about that.” Remus yawned back, putting out his wand light and lying 
down. He rubbed the knuckles and fingers on his right hand. Some days he felt as if he 
never put his quill down; he was always writing, if not feverishly revising his notes for 
NEWTs, then making complex calculations in aid of the big prank, or writing to Grant or 
Ferox or Danny. 

“Wait until school’s finished, then.” Sirius advised. “Safer for both of you.” 
“There are three moons between now and then.” Remus replied, trying to get 
comfortable. The sheets always ended up wrinkled in Sirius’s bed, he had no idea how the 
other boy managed it. 
“I know that,” Sirius replied, indignantly. “But there’s not much you can do, is there?” 
“S’pose not.” 
“And you don’t owe him anything.” 
“No.” Remus chose his words carefully. “But I owe it to myself to do the right thing, 
don’t I?” 
“Is that what got into your head?” Sirius was frowning, Remus could tell. 
A flutter in his belly told him they were heading for a fight, and he could avert it right 
now by just changing the subject. 
“What do you mean, ‘what got into my head’?!” Remus snapped. 
“When you wrote to Danny in the first place. You’ve got to admit it was a bit reckless.” 
“Excuse me?!” 
“Well for someone who’s spent seven years trying to keep every aspect of himself 
completely private, it was a bit bonkers to just go and send a letter to a stranger--” 
“--my friend’s ​brother​-- ” 
“--spilling your guts about e​ verything-​ - ” 
“Not everything!” 
“--but if it was all in the service of doing the right thing, then I suppose that’s ​fine.​ ” 
“Look, if you’re pissed off with me then just say so, this sarcastic crap doesn’t suit you, 
Black.” Remus rolled over onto his side. 
“I’m not pissed off.” Sirius said. 
“Good.” 
Remus knew that wasn’t the end of it. He waited, practically champing at the bit. 
“...I’ve just been thinking, that’s all.” Sirius said, finally. Remus smirked to himself, 
before rolling back over, frowning, 
“What?” 
“It’s like you wanted to leave, or something.” 

538 

“Obviously I wanted to leave,” Remus hissed, going in, “I told you. It’s pointless, me 
doing NEWTs, pissing about with silly exams and clubs and pranks, when things are 
happening out there, r​ ight now​. I had a chance to help, and I took it. So what if I didn’t care 
about the consequences?! Calling me reckless?! I thought ​you’d​ understand! What happened 
to wanting to get back at your family? What happened to wanting to put a stop to it?” 

“I do want to…” Sirius said, sounding smaller. 
“Well you’re not acting like it. You seem more fussed about that stupid quidditch 
match than the war. Maybe they’re the same thing to you.” 
“Merlin!’ Sirius replied, weakly, “You don’t stop until you’ve tasted blood, do you?” 
“Must be the wolf in me.” Remus said, shortly. 
He rolled over again and shut his eyes. 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  

539 

ONE HUNDRED & FORTY-SIX 

Seventh Year: Superego 

 
Oh mine eyes have seen the glory of the theories of Freud, 
He has taught me all the evils that my ego must avoid. 
Repression of the impulses results in paranoid 
As the id goes marching on. 
  
Saturday 1st April 1978 

“Wotcher!” 
“Hello.” 
“Gawd, cheer up a bit, sunshine! After I went to all that effort to book a bloody 
audience wiv’ ya!” 
“Sorry! I’m really, really happy to hear from you.” 
“Christ, you get posher by the day.” 
Remus laughed, despite himself. The sound echoed back through the receiver, and 
made him think about Grant’s voice travelling all the way through the telephone wire, from 
the very bottom of England, up through to him in the Scottish Highlands. Muggles were 
pretty magic too, really. 
“How are you?” He asked, “Still enjoying the seaside?” 
“Winter was fucking dire.” Grant replied, settling into the conversation. Remus could 
hear the cigarette between his teeth, the g​ rind-click​ of a zippo lighter. He longed to see the 
other boy, to see his face and watch his expressions. “Rain. Freezing cold wind - it comes in 
off the sea, rattles the windows worse than at St Eddy’s. Mind you, the students made up for 
it.” 
“Students?” 
“At the Art College, and Brighton Poly. You get loads of our sort, at art schools. I was 
seeing an engineer, a poet and a painter.” 
“Is that three separate people, or one very clever person?” Remus asked, wryly. 
“Cheeky beggar. Wouldn’t you like to know.” Grant snickered. “What about you, 
anyway? How’s lover boy?” 
Remus snorted derisively. 
“Fine.” 
“Fine?” 
“Fine.” 
Grant exhaled loudly. 
“Lord, not another fight, is it? Tell you what, sweetheart, you want to get on top of 
these moods of yours.” 
“What moods?!” Remus frowned. Grant laughed, 

540