All The Young Dudes

“I don’t need collecting, I’m not a child.” Remus muttered. 
“No,” Sirius squeezed his hand, very quickly, “You’re my Moony.” 
He made a mental note to save that up for later, when he was alone, and could bask in 
the thought of being Sirius’s anything. Just now he hated himself too much to allow anyone 
to be kind. 
Care of Magical Creatures was worse than he could have imagined. His temperature 
was running even higher from the exertion, and he had to keep wiping sweat from his eyes, 
hair sticking to his forehead. Despite breakfast having been only an hour earlier, his 
stomach felt like an empty cavern, growling intermittently. His head ached and his vision 
swam, but he sat bolt upright, staring fixedly at the blackboard. 
They were supposed to be doing dragons - identifying the various species and their 
individual properties. Kettleburn began the lesson as he always did, with a terrifying and 
usually harrowing story of an encounter he’d had with whichever creature they were 
discussing. Today was no different, and the battle-scarred professor was in his element 
today - he had lost two limbs to dragons. 
Despite this animated tale, only half of the class was actually paying attention (you 
could tell by the look of faint horror on their faces as they scribbled down notes). The other 
half - Marlene and Mary included - was busy reading the chapter in their textbooks which 
concerned werewolves. 
“There’s something a bit sexy about the whole beast-man thing, though,” Mary 
whispered across Remus, who began to feel light-headed. 
“Mary!” Marlene hissed, angrily, “That’s completely insensitive, people ​died​!” 
“I’m just saying!” 
“You wouldn’t think that, anyway, if you met a real one! I spoke to Sian Bolsh over the 
summer; she left last year for healer training, and she’s been shadowing a healer on the 
lycanthropy ward at St. Mungo’s. They have awful hygiene, most of them, because they 
can’t live near normal wizards, and they basically live off hand-outs and charity--” 
“Well then I feel sorry for them!” Mary snapped back, “That sounds horrible, wizards 
are so heartless.” 
“You’re being deliberately dense! They’re not s​ afe​--” 
“Excuse me, Professor Kettleburn,” the whole class turned to see McGonagall 
standing in the doorway. Remus’s stomach dropped - had she come for him? Had the 
ministry​ finally come for him?! 
The head of Gryffindor house looked very grave, and was holding a letter in her hand, 
but she did not look at Remus. “I am sorry to interrupt. Marlene McKinnon, may I speak to 
you?” 
Marlene frowned and stood up, setting her quill back into the inkwell. She threw a 
confused glance back at Mary and Remus before following Professor McGonagall out of the 
room. The door closed and everyone stared at it in silence. 
“She can’t be in trouble,” Mary whispered to Remus, “She’s too goody-goody.” 

441 

Remus mumbled something, but his hunger had turned into queasiness and he didn’t 
want to open his mouth. He wished he could take off his cloak, the room was so stuffy and 
hot; he was getting uncomfortably damp under his armpits and across his back. “Are you all 
right, sweetheart?” Mary asked, her face concerned. “You look like you’re going to puke, is 
it Kettleburn’s horrid stories?” 

“Mmmph.” Remus nodded very slightly, shooting pains firsting up his neck as he did 
so. He rested his forehead in his hands, hoping he just looked like he was really interested 
in his notes. 

There was no room for Mary to probe him anymore, though. A horrible shriek 
sounded outside the classroom, followed by a chilling moan of absolute despair. Mary was 
on her feet at once, and flew out of the room to see her friend. Remus caught only a glimpse 
as the door swung open and shut, of Marlene on her knees, sobbing, and McGonagall bent 
over her, patting her shoulders. 

Even Kettleburn was rendered mute for a few minutes, before regaining his 
composure, and clearing his throat. 

“We’re living in difficult times,” he said, quite out of character, “I urge you all to be 
kind to each other, especially as you prepare to leave Hogwarts.” 

The lesson continued after that, much subdued, and it took all of Remus’s 
concentration to stay conscious in his seat, now that he was alone on his desk. About 
fifteen minutes before the class was due to end, there was a second knock at the door. 

“Enter!” Kettleburn barked. The door opened, and Lily walked in, 
“Good morning, professor, I’ve just come to collect Marlene’s things for her.” 
Kettleburn nodded and gestured at Marlene’s desk, where her work was still spread 
out, her book bag hanging off the back of her chair. Lily went over and quickly started 
gathering things together. She took one look at Remus and raised her head, “Sorry, 
professor - could I ask Remus to come with me? I didn’t realise Mary left all of her bits 
too…” 
“Of course, of course,” Kettleburn nodded, distractedly, labelling a diagram of a 
dragon’s lair on the board. “Chapters eighteen to twenty five for next lesson, please, Mr 
Lupin.”   
“Yes sir,” Remus croaked, picking up Mary’s bag. Thank god it wasn’t heavy. And 
thank god for Lily Evans. 
As soon as they were outside in the corridor, Remus leaned heavily against the wall 
and closed his eyes. 
“Oh, Remus,” Lily said, anxiously, raising a cool hand to his forehead, “You look 
dreadful!” 
“I’m fine.” He mumbled, uselessly, eyes still shut, “Just give me a second… is 
Marlene…?” 
“She’s gone home.” Lily lowered her voice, though they were quite alone, “Her 
brother, Danny, was attacked last night. St. Mungo’s started realising names.” 

442 

Remus’s head swam; he opened his eyes only to see black spots, and closed them 
again, in case he fainted, 

“Is he…” 
“He’s alive. But… it doesn’t sound very good.” 
The guilt was overwhelming, roaring in Remus’s ears. How would he ever look 
Marlene in the eye again? “Come on,” Lily took his arm and draped it over her shoulders. 
She fitted very snugly, but he didn’t dare lean on her too much, “I’m taking you to the 
tower, you’re in no state for school. I’ll say you’re helping me pack for Marlene.” 
“Someone ought to tell--” He was about to say Yasmin, but realised that it was still a 
secret. “...Madam Pomfrey.” He finished, lamely, “Marlene’s going to miss healing lessons.” 
“I’m sure she already knows,” Lily replied, briskly, “Come along, now.” 
She was a lot harder to refuse than Sirius. 
 
 
  

443 

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-THREE 

Seventh Year: Sunday Afternoon 

 
Sunday 29th January 1978 

“Moony?” 
“Mmm?” 
“It’s after midday…” 
“So?” 
“Thought you might fancy getting up?” 
“...no thanks.” 
“Can I come in?” 
“...no.” 
“...ok, then.” Sirius began to walk away, and Remus’s stomach flipped. 
“I’m sorry.” He said, loud enough for Sirius to hear, and stop. Remus finally crawled 
out of the covers. “I do want you here, I just don’t know what to say.” 
He could hear Sirius fidgeting, his hands in his pockets, then running through his 
hair. Finally, 
“We don’t have to talk?” 
Remus sighed. He was a mess; he hadn’t washed properly since Wednesday, and had 
only got out of bed to use the bathroom. The other boys had been feeding him by passing 
food through the crack in his curtains, and if they hadn’t Remus wasn’t sure if he’d have 
eaten at all. He was in the worst state he’d ever been in. But he missed Sirius. 
“...ok then.” 
The curtains parted and Remus scowled against the bright daylight, but Sirius crawled 
in quickly, closing them again. He looked at Remus, but he didn’t look too hard before 
shuffling down next to him and enveloping him in his arms. 
“Thanks,” he breathed against Remus’s hair, “for letting me in.” 
“Reckon I must stink.” 
Sirius inhaled deeply, tickling Remus’s forehead and making him squirm. 
“Nope, just smell like Moony.” 
“Gerroff, mutt.” Remus wriggled away from him. 
“Feel like getting up soon? Everyone’s worried. And they’re looking at m​ e​ now, like I​  
know what to do, because everyone knows about us, which is weird, and quite a lot of 
pressure, really.” 
Remus chuckled, and it felt strange, but good. Still, he had a melancholic episode to 
maintain. 
“I still don’t feel like getting up.” 
“Ok, then you need to let me hide here with you, because I’m not going back out 
there.” 

444 

“​Sirius.​ ” 
“​Rem​ us.” Sirius frowned at him, exaggerating his eyebrows to look stupid. 
“Stop it.” Remus folded his arms, aware he was starting to sound like a sulky child. 
“I will not.” Sirius poked him in the ribs, “Come on, I know you’re feeling like shit 
about everything, but did you ever consider that it's not for y​ ou​ to hog all of the misery like 
this? That maybe if you talk to your friends it might not all seem quite so bleak?” 
Remus frowned up at him, arms still crossed. 
“Maybe that works for you…” 
“Are you saying this is working for you?” 
Remus pressed his lips together. They stared each other out for a minute. Remus 
began to think he’d quite like to fight Sirius right now, like they did on full moons; just 
because it was a fun way to expel energy. Then he noticed something. He sniffed the air. 
“Are you bleeding? I can smell blood.” 
“Probably you, from the moon.” 
“No, I’ve healed already, I never have open wounds longer than a day.” 
“Bloody hell,” Sirius laughed, lightly, “How is it possible for you to get ​any​ cooler?!” 
“And it's your blood, I can tell.” 
“There you go again! You’re basically a superhero.” 
“S​ irius​!” 
“Ok, ok,” he sat up, running his hands through his hair. “You swiped at me a few 
times over the moon, I told you that, we did it to each other. And you can’t turn me when 
I’m a dog, we’ve tested that enough times.” 
“But you’re still bleeding?! It was almost a week ago! You need to go to Madam 
Pomfrey!” 
“Oh yeah, and say my werewolf boyfriend scratched me while I was in dog form as an 
illegal animagus?!” 
“Jesus.” Remus groaned, hauling himself up and out of bed, grabbing Sirius by the 
wrist and pulling him along. 
“Where are we going?!” 
“I need better light!” 
He yanked open the bathroom door and slammed down the lid of the toilet. “Sit.” He 
instructed. Sirius complied, half smiling. 
Remus opened the little mirror cabinet above the sink, digging out murtlap essence 
and disinfectant and gauze and cotton balls. (He had found over years of trial and error that 
a combination of magical and muggle things worked best. As with almost everything else.) 
He pulled his wand out of his pyjama bottoms and stood in front of Sirius. 
“Ok. Show me.” 
Sirius dropped his head, no longer enjoying Remus’s newfound motivation. He sighed 
heavily and lifted his shirt, saying, 
“It's not that b​ ad…”​  

445 

It wasn’t as bad as Remus had feared, but it still made his stomach clench when he 
saw. Three dark red stripes, across Sirius’s ribs. They were starting to heal, but he knew he 
could fix it fairly easily. He took a deep breath, met Sirius’s eye, and then reached for the 
disinfectant. Then his wand. Remus was pretty good at healing cuts now, and the scab and 
the redness were gone in an instant. Now they were white stripes. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said, mournfully. “It was a magical wound. You’ll have a scar there 
for the rest of your life, now.” 

Sirius looked down at the mark, then up again. 

“That's fine, Remus.” He said, quietly. 

* * * 
So, Remus rejoined the group, at Sirius’s goading, and they were all kind enough to 
pretend he had merely been unwell, and not avoiding them. The news over the past few 
days had been particularly grim. First the P​ rophet​ had published a list of the dead, and their 
photographs. Then they had published a list of those ‘presumed bitten’, along with ​their 
photographs, which had provoked outcry among some of the more liberal commentators, 
and ignited a debate on mandatory registration for all werewolves. 
Greyback’s name had not been mentioned, nor any other werewolf that Remus was 
aware of. It was as if the horrific crimes simply happened one night, and the assailants had 
vanished into thin air. No one had heard from Marlene, either, though Danny McKinnon 
was one of those named in the papers. 

He’d been given a full four inches of text, by virtue of his celebrity as beater for the 
Chudley Cannons. The team’s manager was interviewed and quoted saying that while he 
had not yet been briefed on the details Danny’s condition, the Cannons operated a 
‘zero-tolerance’ policy to ‘half-breeds and dangerous creatures’, and would deal with any 
allegations of infection accordingly. James vowed that he would never see a Chudley 
Cannons game again, but Remus mostly felt sorry for Danny. 

They tried to put all of this misery behind them, and went down for Sunday lunch (and 
thank goodness; it was generally Remus’s favourite meal of the week, and he’d have been 
even more blue if he’d missed it), then spent the rest of the evening cosied up in the 
common room in front of the fire. Remus even acquiesced to a chess game with Peter, who 
was thrilled. 

“You know what we ought to start getting serious about,” Sirius mused, sorting 
through his record collection. 

“NEWTs?” Remus asked, hopefully, as Peter captured his knight. 

“Job applications?” Lily said, from the arm chair, where she sat in James’s lap, reading 
a magazine. 

“The quidditch cup?” James suggested. 

“For goodness sake,” Sirius tiutted, “I’m ashamed to call you all marauders.” 

“What?!” All three of them frowned, offended. Peter chuckled, 
“He’s talking about the big prank on Slytherin. You know, we started planning it 
before christmas.” 

446 

“Wormy-boy, you are without a doubt my very favourite person.” Sirius grinned 
broadly. Peter snorted, 

“Bugger off,” and promptly captured Remus’s queen. 
“Ugh. I don’t know why I bother, haven’t beaten you since I was thirteen.” Remus 
sighed, leaning back on the rug on his elbows. He looked up at Sirius, “Well then? Got a 
plan?” 

“Maybe. Whatever we do, I think we should focus the attack on the dungeons.” 

“Let’s not throw around words like ‘attack’,” Lily said, hurriedly, “This is just a 
practical joke, right? In the wholesome spirit of harmless house rivalry?” 

“If you like,” Sirius shrugged, half ignoring the interjection. “Anyway, Moony, I 
thought your study group was in on this? What’s the point in you having all these minions 
if you can’t make them work for you?” 

“Oh my god, for the last time, they are not my ‘minions’!” Remus rolled his eyes. 
“Anyway, we’ve not had a proper study group yet this term. I’ve been ever so slightly busy.” 

“Well, as none of us are scheduled to be in mortal peril for the next month or so,” 
Sirius replied, “I think we ought to get cracking. Everyone could do with a laugh, eh? 
Assemble the troops, we’ll meet sometime next week.” 

“As long as it doesn’t clash with quidditch,” James yawned, “I’m there. Right, I’m off 
to bed, Transfiguration first thing.” 

The others all glanced up at the clock, or began to yawn themselves and agreed to 
follow suit. The common room was clearing out now, anyway, and they were some of the 
last to leave. 

Remus had just got his pyjamas on and brushed his teeth, when he remembered that 
he’d left his book downstairs. While that didn’t usually matter, this particular book was 
Maurice​, by E.M. Forster, and though the cover was nondescript, he was a bit concerned 
that if someone picked it up and read the blurb there would be raised eyebrows. 

Sighing, he left the bathroom and hurried downstairs, muttering, “Getting my book.” 
to Sirius, who was next in the queue. 

He had just grabbed the book and was about to head back up, when he heard the 
portrait hole slide open. He turned to see Mary enter. She was wearing a short, spangly 
silver dress, and she tripped on her way in, but caught herself and giggled. 

“All right?” He called to her. 

She looked up, squinting a bit in the dim light. 
“Hiya, sexy,” she grinned, wandering in a bit unsteady on her feet. Might have been 
the four inch heels she was wearing. Or it might have been the Witches Brew Remus could 
smell wafting off her. 
“Hello, been somewhere?” He walked back towards the couches, wanting to make sure 
she was all right before leaving. 
“Pfffff.” She waved a hand, collapsing into the nearest armchair, spreading her legs 
out. Her short dress rode up her thighs, but she didn’t seem bothered, “Just a few drinks in 
the Ravenclaw common room.” 

447 

“Thought you were seeing a Hufflepuff?” 
“Mm, he was there.” She exhaled, smiling, tilted her head back and closed her eyes. 
The lids were painted gold, finely rimmed with kohl. She looked like an Egyptian queen in a 
party frock. “But a l​ ot​ of people were there, I s’pose.” 
She sounded sad. Remus sat down in the armchair opposite her, clutching the book in 
his lap. 
“Are you ok, Mary?” 
“Oh. Fine.” She opened her eyes, slowly, and smiled at him. She wasn’t that drunk, he 
realised, but she looked tired, and deeply unhappy. “Just stuff on my mind. Boys being 
wankers. Poor Marlene.” 
“Have you heard from her?” 
Mary shook her head, then sat up, blinking. 
“Haven’t got a fag, have you sweetheart? I don’t usually, but I just really fancy one.” 
“Yeah,” Remus reached in his pockets for his matchbox, where he kept the cigarettes 
he had rolled himself. He slid it open, “Normal or fun?” 
“Oooh, fun, please,” she purred, reaching over, “Might help me sleep.” 
“Um, about Marlene,” Remus said, lighting his own, “I just had a thought, er… you 
know her friend Yaz? Have you seen her about? I wasn’t sure if anyone told her--” 
“I did.” Mary said, exhaling, watching Remus through the smoke beneath her heavy 
golden eyelids. “I told her.” 
“Oh!” Remus blinked, surprised. “That’s good, then.” 
“Mmm, I thought she had better know,” Mary mused, pulling a strand of her hair and 
winding it coyly around her little finger. “Didn’t want her to think Marls had gone cold on 
her.” 
Remus took a quick, sharp puff on his cigarette, frowning very slightly. 
“What do you mean?” 
Mary laughed, arching back in the chair, showing her pearly white teeth. She let the 
curl of hair spring back into place like a corkscrew. 
“Oh come on, Remus,” she shook her head, “I ​know​.” 
“You… she told you?” 
“No,” Mary conceded, settling back down with a sigh, “But I’m not thick, despite 
rumours to the contrary. At least, I know what r​ omance​ looks like.” She arched her eyebrow, 
“I’m not as dense as James, for example. How long did he take to figure it out?” 
“He doesn’t know about Marlene,” Remus replied, “They must keep it quiet during 
quidditch stuff.” 
“I’m not talking about Marlene, now. I’m talking about you.” 
“Me?!” 
“He’s a good kisser, isn’t he?” She winked at him. “But then, you were too, I seem to 
remember.” 
“How…?!” 

448 

“Mm, I’ve suspected for a little while now. Just little things. All the time you spend 
together. His being single for more than five minutes. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure, but 
you’ve just confirmed it for me.” 

“Bugger.” 
She laughed again, a friendly, trilling sound. 
“Silly boy.” She smiled affectionately, playing with her hair again as she smoked. She 
looked at him again, her eyes more focussed. When she spoke, her voice was more serious 
than normal. “It’s fine if you want to keep it quiet. I was going to wait, to see if you told me 
yourself - like I’m doing with Marls. But. I just wanted to let you know… I know I’ve got this 
reputation for being a bit of a big mouth, but I ​can​ keep a secret, ok? Especially for my 
friends. And if…” She bit her lip, “If there’s anything else you’re keeping secret, Remus, 
then you can trust me, ok? It doesn’t change anything.” 
This was almost too many revelations for one evening. Remus sucked hard on his 
cigarette, and half wished he’d opted for a spliff too. 
“What are you saying?” He asked, very carefully. “Do you think you know something… 
else?” 
“Remus.” She sat up. “The scars? Being ill every full moon? We do the same Care of 
Magical Creatures class.” 
“You can’t tell anyone.” Remus said, his voice very low, even though they were 
completely alone. “Please, Mary… me and Sirius, that’s one thing, but ​this…​ I could get 
kicked out of school. I could get arrested!” 
“Hey!” Mary stood up, quickly, and came over to sit on the arm of the chair, “I’m not 
going to tell! That’s what I’m trying to explain.” She wound an arm around his shoulder. 
“Makes no difference to me, I swear.” 
“Really?” 
“Honestly.” She kissed his cheek and gave him a squeeze. “So don’t take what 
happened to Marlene’s brother so hard, eh? It was nothing to do with you.” 
“She’d never forgive me, if she knew…” Remus said, sadly. Mary handed him what was 
left of the joint and he puffed on it gratefully. 
“Don’t worry about that,” She said, flippantly, “She’ll come around. She knows who 
you really are. And maybe you could help? You could write to Danny, even - I bet he could 
do with a friend.” 
“That’s--” Remus was about to say that while it was a really nice idea, it was almost 
impossible, considering the fact that he was unregistered, and it would be a bad idea to 
draw attention to himself. 
“Mooony, where are you?” Sirius’s plaintive voice came clattering down the stairs, “I 
can smell the pot all the way from here, you’re not being subtle-- oh! Hiya MacDonald.” 
“Black,” Mary nodded, still perched on the arm of Remus’s chair, “Sorry, I’m trying to 
seduce your boyfriend.” 
“Oh yeah, I’d like to see you -- wait, my w​ hat?​ !” 

449 

She just poked out her tongue at him. He looked at Remus, “Are we just telling 
everyone, now?!” 

“Oi!” Mary hopped off the seat, “I’m not ‘everyone’! Arrogant tosser. Don’t forget I had 
you both first.” 

Remus couldn’t help laughing at the look on Sirius’s face, and got out of the chair, 
sheepishly, still clutching M​ aurice,​  

“Sorry, I’ll come up now, we were just chatting.” He looked back at Mary, “Will you be 
ok?” 

“Fine,” She nodded, smiling, “I’m off to bed too. Night lads!” 
“Good night!” 
Back upstairs in the warm glow of their dorm room, Peter was already snoring softly 
behind his curtains, and James was sitting cross legged on his bed, flipping through his 
quidditch notebook. 
“Thought we’d lost you, Moony,” he whispered, cheerily, as the two boys entered. 
“Bumped into Mary, she’s been at some party with the Ravenclaws.” 
“See, this is what happens when you get stuck with the Head Boy ​and​ the Head Girl in 
your house,” Sirius sighed, leaning back on his own bed, “All the fun happens elsewhere.” 
“Oh, stop whinging,” James grinned, closing his book, “We’ll have more parties and 
you know it. Now go to bed like a good boy.” 
“Fine,” Sirius yawned, falling backwards dramatically, so that he disappeared through 
the heavy velvet hangings. 
“G’night then,” Remus started, making for his own bed, but Sirius’s hand shot out and 
grabbed his wrist. 
“Moony…” he whispered, softly, from the shadows behind the veil. Remus bit his lip 
and glanced over at James, who looked away, awkwardly, and began to draw his own bed 
curtains across. Oh well. Fuck it. 
“Mmm… ok…” Remus let Sirius pull him inside. 
 
 
 
  

450 

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-FOUR 

Seventh Year: Valentine’s Day 1978 

 
You think I'm a lame duck 
But I don't give a blue fuck 
So you leave me like crazy 
Drive me to be lazy. 
I love you, you big dummy! 
I love you you big dummy! 
  
Monday 13th February 1978 

“You know,” Lily yawned, “Other boyfriends might take the night before Valentine’s 
day to plan something nice for their girlfriends, rather than an assault on other students.” 

“Thought we were calling it a practical joke, Evans,” Sirius winked. “Anyway, how do 
you know what other boys are doing? We’re the only boys you know, and we’re doing this.” 

“Touchè.” Lily poked her tongue out at him from where she sat cross legged on 
James’s bed. 

“And,” James said, sitting on the floor beside Remus, folding envelopes as fast as 
Remus could stuff them, “How do you know I haven’t a​ lready​ planned something nice?!” 

“When do you have the time?” She shrugged, “Whenever you’re not with me you’re 
playing quidditch.” 

“I can multi-task,” he said, haughtily, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. 
Remus gave James a sideways glance. He couldn’t account for any of James’s free time 
either, but it was best never to underestimate James Potter. 
“How about you, Pete?” Mary asked, sitting on James’s other side, neatly stacking the 
envelopes he handed her and ticking names off the list, “Big plans for tomorrow?” 
“Nope.” Peter replied, glumly. He was lying on his stomach on his bed, frantically 
completing the Charms notes due for the next day. He’d dropped a few hints to Remus 
about copying them, but Remus had pretended not to understand and eventually poor 
Wormtail had dropped it and just resigned himself to doing a poor job. 
“What about Dorcas?” Mary pressed. 
“Dumped me.” 
“Aw, poor love.” She cooed, “At least I won’t be the only single one.” 
“Really?” Pete looked up, hopefully. 
“Yep, dumped that stupid Hufflepuff.” Mary nodded, bent over her work. 
“Oh well, if you fancied dinner, maybe…” Peter started. Mary shook her head, 
“Oh no, sorry Pete, I’m triple booked as it is; it’ll be a miracle if none of them bump 
into each other.” 

451 

“Oh.” Peter returned to his homework, looking even more depressed than before. Lily 
stifled a giggle, but Mary seemed oblivious. 

“Cheer up Pete, we still love you.” Remus offered, stuffing his very last envelope and 
handing it to James. “Me and Padfoot’ll have dinner with you.” 

“So basically exactly the same as every other night of the year.” Sirius teased. 
“You two not doing anything, then?” Mary asked, casually. It felt like a loaded 
question, all the same, and Remus found it hard to ignore the glances his friends were now 
shooting at each other. He looked up at Sirius and said, very firmly, 
“Don’t even think about it.” 
Sirius’s face cracked into a smile, 
“I think Valentine’s Day is Moony’s idea of hell.” 
“Exactly.” Remus nodded, solemnly. Let the girls have flowers and hearts. He had 
plenty else going on, thank you very much. 
“Aww, I think that’s a shame,” Mary said, crossing the last name off her list and 
stretching her legs out on the rug, lying back on her elbows. “Valentine’s Day can be nice, if 
you do it right.” 
Remus smirked at her. ‘Doing it right’ to Mary meant receiving votive offerings from 
her various acolytes; a fantasy in which she was Aphrodite, and all would pay homage. 
“Nope, not interested.” He said, stretching his own stiff legs. “Just a normal day.” 
“S​ irius​ likes it.” Mary said, slyly, “He was always dead romantic.” 
“When we weren’t fighting.” Sirius interjected. Remus looked at him, and realised he 
had never actually considered whether or not the other boy was interested in celebrating 
the day. He’d just assumed they were on the same page. 
“Anyway, that was different.” Peter mused, sucking the nib of his quill and getting ink 
on his lip. 
“What was?” Mary asked. 
“When Padfoot was going out with you.” Peter replied. “Obviously he did all the 
mushy stuff then.” 
“Obviously?” Lily spoke up. Remus cringed. he could see where this was going. the 
redhead had her hackles up; it didn’t happen often, but when it did it always ended in a 
scolding. “What do you mean, Peter?” 
Peter saw it coming too, but bless him, he tried to explain himself. 
“I wasn’t being nasty,” he said, “It’s just… well it’s not the same thing, is it?” 
“Yes it is!” Mary frowned. 
James was clearly annoyed too. Remus sighed, inwardly. He looked up at Sirius, who 
shrugged at him. Remus held out his hand, and Sirius hopped off the bed to take it, pulling 
Remus to his feet. Remus cleared his throat. 
“If you’ve all finished discussing our relationship amongst yourselves?” 
They all looked up, sheepishly. 
“Sorry, Moony, 

452 

“Sorry Remus.” 
“Let’s move on, shall we?” Remus raised an eyebrow, and leaned against his bed post 
with his hands in his pockets. He nodded at the pile of sealed envelopes, “We need to pass 
those around tomorrow, as soon as. I think probably best to do it at breakfast, so it gets 
mixed in with the regular post and doesn’t look suspicious.” 
This was met with a murmur of general agreement. 
“Don’t forget, the ink only becomes legible when the right person gives their name.” 
Remus continued. He went over to his bedside table for his matchbox of cigarettes and slid 
one out. 
“That was such a good idea, I can’t believe you did it so quickly.” Mary said. She didn’t 
know that the spell they’d used was exactly the same as the one on the Marauder’s Map, and 
they weren’t going to tell her. 
“You are in the presence of greatness, MacDonald.” Sirius said, taking Remus’s 
cigarette the second he’d lit it. Remus sighed and pulled out another. 
“At least open a window if you have to smoke in here,” James sighed. 
“We have to smoke in here,” Sirius said, flicking his wand at the windows so that they 
flung wide open. “Because our poxy Head Boy banned smoking in the common room.” 
“All the prefects voted on that, actually.” Lily said, wryly. 
“See, Moony,” Sirius nudged him with his hip, “This is why you should have stayed a 
prefect, you could have been the voice of dissent.” 
“Truly tragic.” Remus exhaled smoke. 
“Right, I’m off to bed, then.” Mary said, getting up, lifting the pile of invitations and 
setting them down on James’s trunk. “I’m looking forward to this, be nice to have 
something else to think about.” 
“I’ll come with you.” Lily said, getting up too. 
“Shall I walk you back?” James leapt to his feet. Both girls giggled, as if he had said 
something charming, rather than ridiculous, 
“I’ll keep her safe on the arduous journey across the common room, Potter.” Mary 
teased. 
Still Lily and James spent the next five minutes bidding each other goodbye, which 
involved a lot of snogging. When Mary finally managed to drag her friend away, Lily was 
pink and grinning, 
“Love you!” She called on her way down the stairs, 
“Love you too!” James called back. 
Sirius began to make sick noises, which made Peter start laughing, but Remus just 
watched James’s dopey expression. He hadn’t heard them say ‘I love you’ before. He didn’t 
think he’d ever heard anyone say it, actually; not anyone he cared about, at least. He’d seen 
it written down. In books, and in the letter from Hope. But neither of those things had felt 
as tangible as this. How long had they been saying that? As long as they’d been feeling it? 
Was it hard to say the first time? Remus thought it must be. Like casting a patronus. 

453 

He finished his cigarette in a contemplative mood while the others moved around him, 
finishing homework and changing for bed. He supposed he could ask Sirius about the 
whole ‘love’ thing, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to open that can of worms. They were 
happy as they were, weren’t they? It was just getting comfortable, now that their friends 
knew. Plus, after two years of pining and almost a year of secrecy, Remus wanted to just 
enjoy what they had, without all of that prescriptive stuff hanging over them. 

Remus knew from experience that it was best to resist the temptation to pick things 
like that apart. Especially something as precious and hard won as he and Sirius had. The 
problem was; once you started, you might never remember how it worked in the first place. 

He brushed his teeth still thinking, and wandered towards Sirius’s bed to sit and wait 
for him. 

“Finished!” Peter cried, raising his quill with a flourish. “​Finally​.” 
“Well done, Pete.” James yawned, climbing into bed. 
“I didn’t get to help you lot, though.” Peter said, looking at the pile of envelopes 
wistfully. 
“That’s ok, this is only preliminary work.” Remus offered, “The ​real​ planning starts on 
Wednesday.”   
“Exactly.” James nodded encouragingly, “Anyway, don’t feel bad, Padfoot didn’t help 
either.” 
“Oi!” Sirius came out of the bathroom at that moment, “I ​wrote​ the damn things! 
Where would you lot be without my beautiful penmanship? And I don’t recall Mrs Prongs 
doing anything either.” 
He had taken to calling Lily this in private (he wouldn’t dare to her face) with the full 
knowledge that it annoyed James. The messy haired boy just rolled over in bed, flicking his 
middle finger in Sirius’s direction. Sirius chuckled and got into his own bed. Remus got in 
too, still deep in thought.   
“Night lads!” Sirius called, drawing the curtains shut. 
“Night!” Peter and James echoed back. 
In the dark, Sirius held Remus’s hand, and they smiled at each other sleepily. 
“You’re very quiet.” Sirius whispered. “Everything ok?” 
“Yeah.” Remus whispered back. “Just thinking. Prank stuff.” 
“Good.” 
“...Sirius?” 
“Remus.” 
“You know Valentine’s Day?” 
“Heard of it.” 
“Did you want to… er. What Mary said…” 
“I ​knew​ that would get you wound up. I could practically see your brain start to 
overheat.” 
“Piss off.” Remus kicked his shin. “I’m just a​ sking.​ ” 

454 

“Mary loved all that stuff - presents and flowers and cards and shit. I liked doing it for 
her, because it made her happy. You’d hate it, so I won’t.” 

“It’s just so public,” Remus said. 
“I know. Don’t worry about it.” 
“Ok.” 
“...” 
“...” 
“Remus.” 
“What?” 
“ Stop w​ orrying!​ ” 
“Fine, fine, I believe you!” 
“Anyway, it’s not even a real thing.” Sirius said, thoughtfully. “Valentine’s day. I 
looked it up.” 
“It’s real to muggles, isn’t it?” Remus frowned. He couldn’t say he’d given it much 
thought. 
“There was a bloke called Valentine, but there’s nothing especially romantic about it. 
But​ I did find out some other stuff, about the Romans.” 
“Why can’t you apply this thirst for knowledge to your actual schoolwork?!” 
“Ugh, don’t be so boring. Anyway, have you heard of the Lupercalia?” 
Remus felt a sinking feeling in his stomach and let go of Sirius’s hand. 
“I don’t want to talk about wolf stuff right now.” 
“You have heard of it!” Sirius sounded pleased. 
“No. I just know the latin for wolf because it’s my bloody name.” 
“Oh right… It’s not what you think, it’s a festival!” 
“Ok.” 
“And it’s really cool, there are blood sacrifices, and running around naked, and--” 
“I’m going to sleep.” 
“But you ​like​ history.” 
“Shut up, Padfoot, he wants to go to sleep.” James shouted from across the room. “And 
so do I!” 
“Yeah!” Peter echoed. 
“Mind your own business.” Sirius shouted back. 
“​Sonoro Quiesces.​ ” Remus muttered, creating a dry bubble of silence inside the bed. He 
still whispered when he spoke, though, because it was weird to talk an normal volume in 
the dark. “I said I didn’t want to talk about wolf stuff, ​god​.” 
“I was only trying to make you feel better about Valentine’s Day.” 
“I didn’t feel badly about it in the first place!” 

455 

“Ok, sorry, I misread you.” Sirius was whispering too, but loudly, obviously annoyed. 
“You were all quiet about it and I wanted to cheer you up. I thought you were jealous of Lily 
and James.” 

“Jealous?!” 

“That’s the wrong word. You were just… I saw you watching them, kissing and stuff, 
and being all mushy. And I know you hate public displays of affection, but I dunno. It’s not 
like we have a choice either way...” 

Remus blinked in the dark, rolling back over to see Sirius’s face. 
“It bothers y​ ou,​ doesn’t it?” It had to, because it had never bothered Remus before. 
Sudden;y he realised what it had all been about. 
“A bit, maybe.” Sirius replied, honestly. Remus fumbled under the duvet for his hand 
again. 

* * * 

Tuesday 14th February 1978 
The next morning, James and Sirius were nowhere to be found - Remus presumed they 

had left early for quidditch practice; it was a bright, sunny day, despite a chill in the air. 
After a few minutes of deep thought, Remus rifled in his bedside drawer for his very last 
chocolate frog and bunged it in his pocket before heading downstairs. 

The rest of the Gryffindors awoke to find that in the night the house elves had 
decorated their common room with garlands of red and pink paper hearts - something 
which seemed to divide all of the students. 

“It’s hardly appropriate in a s​ chool​.” Christopher grumbled, meeting Remus and Mary 
on their way out of the portrait hole. 

“Aww, I think it’s lovely.” Mary sighed, cheerily. She was subtly dressed for the 
occasion, wearing a red ribbon in her hair, and red enamel studs in each earlobe. 
Christopher shook his head, grimly at her. 

“If it were a proper holiday, like Christmas, or Easter or something--” 
“But why d​ o​ wizards celebrate those things?” Remus cut in, thoughtfully, as they 
progressed towards the dining hall. Every corridor was also decked out in pink and red 
crepe paper, and there seemed to be music coming from somewhere, “None of the 
purebloods I’ve met are Christians, or even know anything about Jesus, or the Easter bunny, 
or--” 

“The Easter w​ hat​?!” Christopher was staring at him as if he was mad. 
“Don’t bother, Remus,” Mary laughed, “Lily and I tried back in first year. We’re not 
supposed to ask.” 
Christopher’s mood did not improve as they entered the Great Hall, which was bathed 
in a rosey pink glow by a collection of candles floating inside red glass lanterns. Fresh 
flowers had been placed in vases on every table, and pink envelopes flew back and forth 
over the heads of the students - valentine’s cards looking for their recipient. 

“For goodness’ sake.” Christopher muttered, taking his seat and pouring himself a 
very black coffee. 

456 

“It’s only one day.” Remus said, lifting the teapot, which was also pink. 
No sooner had they sat down, than a pile of pink envelopes fluttered into Mary’s lap, 
making her squeal with delight. Remus grinned too. He pulled out his own envelopes and 
whispered an incantation, tossing them into the air so that they mingled with the others 
flying above them. 
“Here you go, Chris,” Remus tossed one across the table, “It’s not a valentine, 
promise.” 
“Oh. Er… what is it?” Christopher held the blank envelope warily. 
“An invitation.” Remus winked. “Give it your name, but don’t share it, ok?” 
“Er… ok…” 
“Good morning!” Lily appeared, looking cheerful as usual, clutching a book on 
advanced potions. “Anyone seen Potter?” 
“Quidditch pitch?” Remus raised his head. 
“Nope,” Lily shrugged, “I thought so too, but Ravenclaw booked it this morning.” 
“He and Padfoot were gone when I woke up.” Remus said. 
“That’s exactly what I was afraid of…” Lily replied, taking her seat. 
No sooner than she had sugared her porridge, than a loud *pop* echoed over their 
heads, and everyone looked up. Those students who hadn’t immediately dived for cover 
beneath their breakfast tables began ‘oohing’ and ‘ahhing’, as a rather spectacular fireworks 
display began over their heads. The bursts of colour took the form of gigantic glittering 
love hearts, and the embers which rained down turned out to be pink and white 
flowerheads, 
“Lilies!” Mary said gleefully, as one settled on her pile of cards. 
“Oh no!” Christopher wailed, “I’m allergic!” He sneezed, before aiming his wand 
upwards and gasping, “P​ rotego​!” to defend himself against the fluttering blooms. 
“I don’t believe this…” Lily was blushing harder than Remus had ever seen her. He 
grinned, 
“You were asking for it, I’m afraid.”   
“I’d have been happy with a card!” She hissed, as the final fireworks died out, and the 
last of the lilies sailed to the floor like great pink snowflakes, filling the room with their 
lovely scent. 
“Oh shut up, Evans,” Mary tutted, “It’s bloody gorgeous of him.” 
“Cheers, MacDonald,” James appeared at Lily’s shoulder, with Sirius. 
“You utter idiot!” Lily stood up and wound her arms around James’s neck, kissing him. 
Remus wasn’t watching this display, though; he was watching Sirius, who flicked his wand 
behind James’s back. 
The flowers which had gathered on the table (those which Chris had not tried to clear, 
anyway) began to move again, and gathered together in front of Lily’s plate. With another 
soft little *pop*, the pile had transformed into a large box, emblazoned with even more 
lilies. 

457 

“What’s that?” Lily turned, leaning over to get a closer look. 
“Open it and see!” James was grinning ear to ear, clearly utterly chuffed with himself. 
Christopher sneezed again, and blew his nose, but was roundly ignored as Mary and 
Remus stood up to get a better look. Lily, still pink and smiling, carefully lifted the lid of 
the box, and everyone leaned in. On a red velvet pillow, with a bow around its neck, was a 
tiny little charcoal grey kitten with huge yellow eyes. 
“Ohhh!” Lily gasped, reaching in immediately to pick up the mewing creature and 
cuddle it close, “Really, Potter?! You got me a cat?! I love him! Or… her?” 
“Him,” James nodded, “I know your old family one died last Christmas, and Hagrid 
told me a litter was born in the village last week, so…” 
“Oh he’s so sweet!” Mary reached over to stroke the kitten’s head. 
“Oh for Merlin’s sake…” Christopher stood up, clutching his handkerchief to his nose. 
“I’m allergic to cats, too! Bloody stupid day…” with that, he got up and stormed away, 
further up the table. 
“Such a shame.” Sirius smirked, taking his empty seat. “Morning, Moony.” 
“Morning, Padfoot.” Remus smiled. 
The rest of breakfast was spent cooing over Lily’s new kitten, and trying to choose a 
name. Remus kept a polite distance; just in case. He’d had bad experiences with cats in the 
past, and didn’t fancy any new scratches today, no matter how tiny its claws were. 
Soon, everyone was getting up to go to their various lessons (while arguing over who 
ought to look after the kitten that morning), and Sirius fell into step with Remus, 
“Walk you to history?” He offered, 
“Oh, I don’t need to go,” Remus replied, slyly, “It’s a drop-in lesson, for NEWTs.” 
“But you ​always​ go to your lessons,” Sirius replied, “Even the optional ones.” 
“I know, but ​you’re​ always telling me to relax, so…” Remus covertly pulled his little 
matchbox out of his robe pocket and tapped it. Sirius raised an eyebrow, 
“As much as I really love stoned Moony - what’s brought on the rebelliousness?” 
“Does there have to be a reason?” Remus shrugged. He glanced around quickly to 
check that no one was listening too intently - but they were all pretty absorbed in their 
various cards and gifts. He slipped the chocolate frog into Sirius’s pocket. “Happy 
Valentine’s Day, wanker.” 
He had never seen Sirius Black blush like that. 
 
(Song: I Love You, You Big Dummy - The Buzzcocks) 
 
  

458 

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-FOUR (Part 2) 

Sirius, Valentine’s Day 1978 

 
Monday 13th February 1978 

“Cheers for all the help,” James said, getting up and stretching. They’d been bent over 
spellbooks for hours now, and if Potter didn’t do some form of exercise at least twice a day 
then the world as they knew it would come to an end. Probably. 

“Well,” Sirius replied, “Wouldn’t do to have Evans disappointed, and I know you 
couldn’t have done it without me. ” 

“Such a modest and generous friend you are.” 
“It’s called good breeding, Potter, look it up.” 
James snorted with laughter, still stretching. He groaned, “Quidditch pitch?” 
“Yeah, go on. Need to be back by five, though.” 
“Moony?” 
“Yep.” Sirius pressed his lips together at this. Something inside him still winced when 
James mentioned Remus in that context. Obviously it was great that James knew. 
Obviously. But it was also weird, and scary. The worst part was that he knew James felt 
awkward too, and that was why he kept bringing it up. The silly sod was trying to be a good 
friend. 
“Are er… are you two doing something for Valentine’s Day?” James asked. 
He looked uncomfortable. Perhaps because it had only just occurred to him to ask, 
after Sirius had spent three hours helping him perfecting the floral fireworks charm for 
Lily. 
“Nah.” Sirius shook his head. “He hates that sort of thing.” 
“Does he?” 
“Yeah. Remember the Great Snogging Race? Remus Lupin and romance ​do not​ go 
together.” 
“I just assumed his snogging-aversion was because he’s… um…” 
“Queer?” 
“Mm. Is that the right word?” 
Sirius shrugged, and they made their way to the quidditch pitch in comfortable 
silence. 
The truth was that Sirius had no idea whether or not it was the right word - but it was 
the one Moony used, so he supposed it was ok. Sirius had already decided not to think too 
hard about specific words, or definitions, because he didn’t like the way it felt. 
Probably for the same reason he shut down whenever James tried to talk to him about 
his relationship with Remus. Sirius clearly remembered telling James every gory detail 
about his various dalliances with girls - what went where, for how long, how hard, how fast, 

459 

how good, how big, how small. Not with Moony. In fact, as far as James knew, they barely 
even snogged. Sirius felt a flutter of heat in his belly then, thinking about snogging Remus. 

Anyway, what exactly would they do on Valentine’s Day? It’s not like they could do a 
big public display, as James was prone to. And cards? Poetry?? No way - Remus would 
either laugh in his face, or die of embarrassment. 

Secretly, Sirius thought Remus was too cool for Valentine’s Day stuff. Remus wasn’t 
flowers and ballads; he was stolen cigarettes and torn up jeans, he was p​ unk.​  

...though, to be fair, he ​did​ like chocolate… 
“Wakey wakey, Black.” James rapped him on the back of his head with his broom 
handle. 
“Oi!” Sirius rubbed his scalp, though it hadn't really hurt. He tied his hair back quickly 
and followed his friend out onto the pitch. 

* * * 
Later that evening, when the girls were in their room the subject of Valentine’s day 
was broached, and Remus reacted exactly as Sirius expected him to. That was very pleasing; 
he was finally getting the hang of Moony. 
Anyway, Remus was right in the middle of planning a giant prank, which was Sirius’s 
absolute favourite version of him. He was so direct and authoritative; ordering everyone 
about, head held high, gaze intense. And then he started smoking and that always got Sirius 
right t​ here​, because of his bloody perfect lips and his delicate fingers and his eyes... 
He couldn’t wait for bed, and luckily the girls left quickly after that. Prongs and Evans 
made a big show, as usual, kissing and whispering and carrying on like they were being 
separated for eternity, not just a few hours of sleep. Sirius caught Remus watching them, 
and for the millionth time wondered what Moony was thinking. 

By the time Sirius was ready for bed, Remus had come over all quiet and thoughtful, 
and Sirius couldn’t tell whether he was just tired, concentrating on the prank, or if it was 
something else altogether. 

Whatever it was, Sirius only made it worse. He put his foot in it with the Lupercalia 
thing, and he didn’t know why. Honestly, it was hard to keep up, sometimes. One day 
Remus was perfectly amenable to discussing his wolfiness. Other days it was completely 
taboo, and he’d shut down at the slightest mention. 

They sort of worked it out between them - they were getting slightly better at that, 
picking at each other until they understood. Anyway, it turned out that Remus was a​ ctually 
worried about all the Valentine’s Day nonsense - not because he ​did​ want a song and dance, 
but because he thought S​ irius​ might. 

This was so incredibly sweet that Sirius couldn’t stop smiling, and had to start 
snogging Remus just so he didn’t see Sirius’s dopey grin. 

* * * 

Tuesday 14th February 1978 
In truth, Sirius hadn’t really thought about it that much. Public displays of affection, 

that is. At least, he hadn’t thought about it beyond whatever Remus’s needs and preferences 

460 

were. It had been the same with Mary - she loved snogging in public, she loved getting 
caught and showing off; so Sirius had loved it too. Conversely, Remus had always liked 
hiding and keeping secrets, and Sirius was learning that that could be a lot of fun on its 
own. 

Maybe Sirius was just easy going about affection. Or maybe he was too much of a 
people pleaser. It did grate a ​tiny​ bit, when Lily and James spent hours curled up in each 
others laps in the common room, or walked hand in hand between lessons, beaming at each 
other, while other students had to dodge out of their way. Obviously he and Moony were 
never going to be ​that​ couple, not in public, but it was pretty tiring having to remember to 
keep things platonic outside of the dorm room. After all, Sirius liked showing off. He’d like 
to show off Moony. 

He thought about it as he and James snuck down to the dining hall to prepare Lily’s 
present, early in the morning. He’d left Moony sleeping, sheets wound around his waist, 
one arm over his head, head tilted up. In the morning light his scars were like veins in 
marble, and Sirius wanted to bend down and trace them with his tongue. He didn’t. He’d 
made a promise to James. 

“Think there’s going to be enough room?” James asked, as the entered the empty 
Great Hall. “Don’t want anyone getting hurt.” 

“They’re floral fireworks,” Sirius yawned, “No one’s getting hurt unless they’re 
severely allergic.” 

“Bugger, I hadn’t even thought about allergies!” 
“Merlin, don’t tell me you’re going to change your mind now, not after you dragged 
me out of bed at this ungodly hour.” 

“I’m not, I’m not… come on, let’s do it, then.” 
They began to busy themselves, planting the large bulb-shaped detonators they had 
painstakingly constructed, and setting the trigger charms so they’d go off at the right time. 
“What are you doing for the rest of the day?” Sirius asked, sitting on one of the tables 
swinging his legs as he watched James fuss over the final touches. “Or d’you reckon that 
cat’s enough?” 

“She’s got most of the day free and I’ve arranged for the Prefect’s bathroom to be 
mysteriously closed for repairs,” James smirked, pleased with himself. 

“How romantic.” Sirius drawled. 
“It is, actually,” James replied. “What about you? Still steering clear of Moony?” 

“Eh?” 

“The fight, last night?” 
“That wasn’t a ​fight​.” Sirius felt his cheeks heat up. He’d forgotten that Prongs had 
overheard that part. “We made up, anyway. Just did a silencing spell so ​you’d​ stop 
eavesdropping.” 
“Oh, is that what it was for…?” James raised a cocky eyebrow, tongue playing the the 
corner of his mouth, 

“Piss off,” Sirius shoved him, hopping off the table. “Mr Prefect’s Bathroom.” 

461 

“Godric, Black, are you blushing?! Are you actually blushing??” James laughed, 
shoving him back. “Wow, Moony must be something else.” 

“I can’t believe you…” Sirius shook his head, beginning to walk out of the hall, willing 
his face to return to its usual colour. How embarrassing. 

“Oh, come on now,” James laughed, jogging lightly to catch him up, “You know, I’m 
actually relieved. You two act like butter wouldn’t melt, most of the time, I’ve never even 
seen you kiss.” 

He said ‘kiss’ and not ‘snog’, because James Potter was a romantic through and 
through. He probably called shagging ‘lovemaking’. Ha. Sirius made a note to remember 
that for later. 

“Do you think that’s weird?” Sirius asked, slowing down. He could really do with some 
sensible advice, and Prongs would have to do if Lily wasn’t around. “That you haven’t. Er. 
Seen us? Kissing, I mean.” 

James shrugged, “I dunno. You do kiss, don’t you?” 
“Obviously,” Sirius tossed his hair, 
“Well then. I just assumed it was Moony being his awkward self.” 
“Yeah, it is. But y’know… we can’t be as public as you and Evans.” 
James was quite for a long time, thinking. “No,” he said, finally, “That makes sense. 
Sorry, mate.” 
“Not your fault.” Sirius shrugged. 
“You should feel comfortable around us, though.” James said. “We’re your friends.” 
“Yeah, I know.” 
“I mean, comfortable w​ ithin reason​,” James said, hurriedly, the smirk returning to his 
features, “I dunno if I’m quite ready to see my best mates doing… er… well, if you even… I 
mean… whatever it is you…” 
“Potter, are y​ ou​ blushing?!” 

* * * 
The fireworks and the kitten were extremely well received, of course, but Sirius got a 
surprise of his own after breakfast. Remus Lupin ​actually​ suggested bunking off a lesson 
and getting stoned instead. Well, maybe the getting stoned part wasn’t so out of character, 
but skiving definitely was. And a chocolate frog, to boot! That had to be romance, Remus 
giving away the last of his sweets. 
“Prongs is going to have such a go at me for smoking here,” Sirius giggled, halfway 
through the first spliff, 
“Nah,” Remus replied, lazily, lying on his side and stroking Sirius’s trousered leg. “Just 
wave a wet towel around and it gets rid of the smell. S’what the lads at St Eddy’s did,” 
“Cool.” Sirius breathed, in awe. Remus gave him a funny look which told him he was 
being weird. But he didn’t care. If thinking Moony was cool was weird, then Sirius was 
weird. He giggled again. Remus smiled, shaking his head and taking the spliff, 
“Lightweight.” 

462 

“Such disdain. Such cruelty.” Sirius flopped back on the bed and loosened his tie. 
“You love it.” Remus exhaled smoke, so that it washed over Sirius’s body like fog. 
“Oi,” Sirius looked down, frowning, “Don’t do that, my uniform’s going to stink.” 
“Take it off, then.” Remus raised an eyebrow. Sirius looked at him, 
“Really?” 
Remus raised the spliff to his lips again, and sucked. Those lips. Those fingers. Those 
eyes. He nodded, exhaling, “Unless you think you’re going to lessons today?” 
Sirius shook his head, speechless. Remus sat up on his knees and reached across Sirius 
with his long arms to stub out the spliff in the mug of old tea on the bedside table. Sirius 
closed his eyes, already wanting to feel Remus - the weight of him, the heat of him. 
It had never been like this with Mary, or Emmeline. No one had ever made him feel 
like this; like he could be taken apart and put back together again, new and better than 
before. So what if Moony wasn’t affectionate in public? As long as he was like this in 
private. 
“Come on, then,” Remus was saying now, a harder edge to his voice, “Haven’t got all 
day.” 
Sirius moved fast - Remus wasn’t really in any hurry, it was just that Sirius never 
refused an order if it was given in the right way. He pulled off his tie, then unbuttoned his 
shirt, fast. Trousers he left up to Moony, because that was Moony’s favourite bit, and Sirius 
liked watching his long fingers working the clasp of his belt. 
Remus was on top on him now, straddling his body and leaning forward, kissing him 
hard, moving his hips ever so gently back and forth, just enough to be infuriating. 
“Moony…” Sirius rasped, against his lips, “Please…” 
That was enough – that was always enough. Remus growled and quickened his 
movements, pressing down harder, practically biting at Sirius’s lips. 
Sirius moaned, ecstatic – there it was; that need, that furious power. He was not 
ashamed to admit that Remus’s strength, his ability to completely disarm and overwhelm, 
was one of his most powerful attractions. Being wanted – needed – by Remus was 
intoxicating. He frantically tried to keep up with the new pace, grinding his own hips 
fervently. 
“Mmph,” Remus murmured, suddenly pulling away, His lips were dark and his eyes 
were dark and Sirius reached up for him, feverish with desire, 
“Come ba-ack...” 
“Door-” Remus mumbled, glancing sideways, “Curtains - Prongs…” 
“He’ll be gone all day,” Sirius shook his head, unfastening the buttons on Remus’s 
shirt, pulling him back down, “I promise, he told me, it’s fine…” 
“Bloody love Valentine’s day,” Remus grinned, resuming kissing. 
I bloody love you​, Sirius thought, out of nowhere. 
  

463 

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-FIVE 
Seventh Year: The Marauder’s Inter-house Prank Planning 

Co-operative 

 
Wednesday 15th February 1978 

“I can’t believe you’re holding this thing here.” Christopher said, agitatedly, as Remus 
unlocked the Charms classroom. 

“Best way to avoid detection. Flitwick always lets me use it.” Remus replied. 
“Exactly! It’s so brazen!” Christopher chided, as they entered. 
“Brazen is our middle name!” James declared excitedly, following them. 
“Your middle name is Fleamont, you prat.” Sirius scoffed. “And this place is g​ enius,​ no 
one will ever suspect anything. I knew your swot lessons would come in useful one day, 
Moony.” 
“A lot of people find Remus’s study group very helpful, ​actually​.” Christopher said 
primly, folding his arms and leaning against the wall. 
“Oh Chris, he’s just teasing,” Remus chuckled, setting his book bag down. He glanced 
at his pocket watch. “We’re all nice and early, James, have you got an agenda?” 
“A what?” James turned around from the blackboard, where he was directing the 
chalk to draw a gigantic lion with ‘G​ ryffindor Rulez OK’​ beneath it. 
“Never mind.” Remus sighed. 
“So who else got an invitation?” Christopher asked, over the top of his book (which 
seemed to have materialised from nowhere - Christopher was the only other person Remus 
knew who could go from 0 to reading in less than three seconds flat). 
“About twenty or thirty people, maybe.” Remus said, “Anyone who expressed an 
interested before Christmas who seemed trustworthy.” 
“It was an extremely rigorous vetting process, actually,” James said, now standing on 
Flitwick’s desk and trying to touch the ceiling with his fingertips. 
“Yeah, we almost didn’t let Wormtail in.” Sirius barked with laughter from the 
window, where he was leaning half out of it, smoking. Remus dearly wanted to go over 
there and wrap his arms around Sirius, steal the cigarette (which was probably one of his 
anyway, the thief) and kiss his neck. But the others would be arriving soon, and it was a 
completely mental line of thinking, that. 
“Why do you all call Peter that?” Christopher asked. 
“Just a nickname.” They all said, in unison. 
Peter arrived shortly after that, followed in by Mary, Lily and Yasmin. Next were the 
sixth and seventh years from Remus’s study group, and Dorcas - who was still on friendly 
terms with Peter, apparently. Mary’s latest squeeze, a Ravenclaw boy called Jonty Simmons, 
who looked like he couldn’t believe his luck. And finally, much to Remus’s distaste, 
Emmeline Vance sauntered in (two minutes late) with Roman Rotherhide. 

464 

The room was pretty crowded after that, and noisy with the buzz of excitement. Most 
of the group had some idea why they were there, but others were curious, and all of them 
were fascinated by the marauders. 

Sirius and James adored the attention, of course, and immediately took centre stage. 
“Now, we all know why we’re here,” James started, using his quidditch captain voice. 
Immediately, Emmeline Vance’s arm shot up. 
“Sorry, but ​I​ don’t…” 
Remus gave an impatient snort and Christopher, sitting next to him, shot him a 
strange look. 
“Nor do I!” Dorcas raised her hand too, along with one or two sixth years from 
Remus’s study group. 
“Why did all of you come, then?!” Sirius asked, eyebrows raised. A group of girls 
sitting at the back of the room giggled. Remus made a mental note. He’d tried to avoid 
inviting too many members of the Sirius Black fanclub, but it was pretty unavoidable when 
that applied to half the school. 
“We’re here to plan a… an organised protest,” Christopher said, blushing a bit, because 
he wasn’t used to speaking in front of lots of people. “Against Slytherin.” 
“Yeah!” Another sixth year shouted, “I heard you lot were planning your biggest prank 
yet!” 
“​I​ heard one of you knows how to get to the monster out of the chamber of secrets!”   
“I heard you were planning to blow up the dungeons!” One Hufflepuff boy squeaked. 
“Woah woah woah,” James held up his hands, “Bit less dramatic than that…” 
“Well, if it’s about getting the Slytherins back for all the nonsense they’ve pulled, I’m 
in.” Emmeline said, decisively, tossing her luxuriant blonde curls. Remus tutted, loudly, and 
Chris shot him another look. 
“That’s exactly what it’s about. And exactly why we need all of you to keep quiet about 
it.” James said, getting into his flow, now. “This is our last year, and we’re inviting all of 
you to help us plan our final prank.” 
“Does that make us marauders?” The Hufflepuff boy squeaked again. There was an 
excited murmur. 
“N​ o.​ ” Peter said, indignantly, though no one really paid him any attention. 
“I like to think of it as more of a collaboration.” James said, thoughtfully. 
“An inter-house co-operative!” Sirius added. 
Everyone seemed pretty please with that. At least, it sounded impressive, and official 
enough. 
“Right.” James clapped his hands together and rubbed them, smiling round at 
everyone. “Now that’s out of the way, who’s got some ideas?!” 
Twenty hands shot up. 
“Err,” Lily spoke up, “I think before we get into that it might be good to have some 
ground rules?” 

465 

“Like what?” Sirius folded his arms, grumpily. 
“Like not actually ​hurting​ anyone? This is just fun, ok? Not revenge for everything 
Slytherin’s ever done.” She was using her Head Girl voice, now, and a few people lowered 
their hands. 
“Fair enough,” James said, holding up his hands amicably, coming between Sirius and 
Lily. “No physical harm intended. And as I said before, no talking about it outside of this 
room. On pain of death. J​ oking,​ Evans!” He ducked as she went to slap the back of his head. 
After these initial teething problems, everyone seemed to enter into the spirit of the 
thing. Lots of people had ideas - from the extreme (Lily vetoed summoning a banshee to 
haunt the dungeons), to the subtle (Emmeline knew of a spell which would transfigure 
everyone’s right shoe into a left shoe - she said she’d done it to her sister over the summer 
and it had taken her three days to realise what had been bothering her). 
Eventually, time ran short, so James set everyone ‘homework’ - requiring them to 
come back next week with an idea. 
“Then we can decide on the best one.” Sirius declared. 
“Who decides?” Mary narrowed her eyes. 
“Me, James, Pete and Moony, obviously.” Sirius raised his chin. 
“Can’t we vote?” One of the sixth years asked. 
“Yeah, that seems fairer.” Mary nodded. “If we’re all putting ourselves at risk of 
expulsion for you.” 
“Expulsion?!” Christopher bit his lip, “Surely not… surely we won’t go that far…?” 
“W​ ill​ we get in trouble, though?” The hufflepuff boy raised his hand again. Everyone 
looked at him. 
“Not much.” Sirius shrugged. “Bit of detention never hurt anyone.” 
“No, sorry, I don’t mean detention.” The boy shook his head, nervously. “I mean with… 
you know the Slytherins. They won’t… tell the death eaters to get us, will they?” 
Sirius looked about to laugh, when he realised that the atmosphere in the room had 
changed. A few people looked very awkward, some of then were whispering amongst 
themselves. Remus could even smell a whiff of real fear creeping into the room; everybody 
seemed to have tensed up a bit. 
Of course, Sirius and James did not worry about that sort of thing. This was all part of 
the crusade of chaos they’d been on since they were eleven. Even Remus had been pretty 
flippant about the magnitude of the prank. But he saw now that it meant a lot more to those 
gathered in the room. James, Sirius and Peter were the only purebloods in attendance. 
Unless you counted Christopher, who had his own axe to grind with the Slytherins. 
James stood up again, pushing off Flitwick’s desk and drawing himself to full height. 
“Absolutely not. No one in this room is getting hurt because of this prank.” 
A few people relaxed - after all, James Potter, heir to the Sleek-ezy fortune, head boy, 
quidditch captain and leading mischief maker was somebody that most people trusted. 
Remus believed him whole-heartedly - even if the issue had not been raised, it would have 

466 

been a point of honour for James to protect anyone smaller than him. Lily was beaming at 
him too, and Sirius looked very pleased, as if that had settled everything. 

“Right,” Lily clapped her hands together now, taking the floor again, “See you all 
again next week, I suppose. I think we’d all better leave in small groups, don’t want to draw 
attention to ourselves…” 

With that, the room slowly returned to normal, groups of students now chattering 
excitedly about ideas they’d had, or curses they’d like to try out. Lily assumed her Head Girl 
voice and started directing people out of the room in groups of three or four, at short 
intervals. The marauders turned inwards, to confer. 

“Bloody hell.” James muttered, so that he wouldn’t be overheard, “That was intense.” 
“What did you expect?” Mary tutted, hoisting herself up onto the desk and swinging 
her legs. “This isn’t a game to everyone - some people are out for revenge.” 
“Then that’s what we’ll give them.” Sirius said, fiercely. He had that brightness in his 
eyes that told Remus he would be utterly unbearable for the next few hours. A plan was 
afoot, and nothing could bring Sirius down from that kind of excitement. 
“Calm down, Black,” Mary teased, “You’re schoolkids, not generals.” 
“For now.” He replied, darkly. 
“Ok you lot,” Lily turned back into the room. It was only the seven of them left. “We’ll 
go back in two groups, because ​no one​ is going to believe you four weren’t up to 
something…” 
Mary, James, Lily and Peter left first, with instructions for Remus, Sirius and 
Christopher to give them a ten minute head start. Remus was a bit reluctant about this, but 
there was no way to bring it up. He couldn’t help remembering what had happened the last 
time he and Christopher were alone in that classroom with Sirius. Though, of course, 
Christopher hadn’t known Sirius was there at the time, and nor would Remus ever tell him. 
They tidied up the desks, cleared the chalkboard of James’s lion, then stood about 
awkwardly for a little bit. 
“Let’s play truth or dare.” Sirius grinned. 
“Why?” Remus sighed, leaning on the desk. ​Here we go.​ .. 
“Pass the time.” 
“Or we could just have a normal conversation…” 
“Christopher wants to, don’t you, Christopher?” 
“Err…” 
“Great, you can go first. Truth or dare, what do you fancy?” 
“Um.” Chris’s eyes flicked between Remus and Sirius nervously. “I don’t… um… truth?” 
“Excellent! Start off easy, if it’s your first time playing,” Sirius nodded encouragingly. 
“Hmmm, let me see… ah! Ok, why did you want to get involved with the prank?” 
“What?” 
“Y’know. How come you came today?” 
“Chris has been involved since the beginning, Padfoot, you know that.” Remus tutted. 

467 

“Right, right - so what made you get involved in the first place, then?” 
“If you have to know.” Christopher said, rather icily, “It was your brother.” 
Sirius, to his credit, did not flinch. 
“Fair enough, he’s a right little prick.” He nodded. He licked his lips, and glanced at 
Remus, then back at Chris. “Sure there was no other reason?” 
“No.” 
“I’ll go next,” Remus said, quickly. “Chris, you can ask me to do a dare.” He never 
picked ‘truth’, it was far too dangerous. 
“Umm…” Christopher bit his lip, still a bit thrown by this whole thing. “Oh, I don’t 
know, I’m crap at this sort of thing.” 
“I’ve got a good one!” Sirius said at once. He winked at Remus, then leaned over and 
whispered in Chris’s ear. Christopher’s eyes widened and he laughed, covering his mouth. 
“Ok, Remus,” Chris was still blushing, but he was having fun now. “Ok, you have to 
write something rude on the blackboard and leave it there.” 
“I gave you specifics.” Sirius complained. 
“I’m not saying that out loud!” Christopher laughed, turning even redder. Remus could 
easily guess the tone of Sirius’s suggestion. He raised an eyebrow wryly, as if under duress, 
“Ok, fine, I’ll do it…” 
He went up to the board and picked up some chalk. He considered it for a moment, 
“How rude?” He asked the other two, casually. 
“Very.” Christopher said, smirking shyly. 
“Well, it’s the rules of the game, I s’pose…” Remus began to draw, enjoying the 
snickering over his shoulder as he deftly traced out the first rude thing that popped into his 
head. 
He stepped back, an artist admiring his work. The other two boys stood either side of 
him, grinning madly. “Well?” He asked. 
Sirius slapped him on the back, 
“Moony, me old pal, it’s the biggest knob I’ve ever seen.” 
“Well, that’s a relief.” Remus smirked, forgetting Christopher was there. He didn’t 
seem to notice - or else just assumed that it was marauder humour (which it sort of was). 
“Glorious.” The younger boy nodded, still very pink about the cheeks. 
“Come on then,” Remus set down the chalk, “That’s enough of a gap, we can go now. 
Common room?” 
“Oi, I’ve not had my turn, yet!” Sirius folded his arms. 
“What’s the point,” Remus shook his head, “You always choose a dare, and there’s 
nothing I can think of that you’d even think twice about doing.” 
“Are you saying I’m the ​bravest​ --” 
“Stupidest, maybe,” Remus teased, elbowing him in the ribs. “Come on, let’s go.” 
They left the classroom and set off through the quiet hallways back to Gryffindor 
tower. It was fairly late in the evening now, and curfew was only a couple of hours off, so 

468 

they were alone most of the way, other than the portraits, who were enjoying the peace and 
quiet. 

“Did you finish ​Maurice​, Remus?” Chris asked. Always back to books. 
“Nearly,” Remus replied. “Just a chapter or two to go. Do you promise me it’s a happy 
ending?” 
“Definitely,” Chris nodded. “You’ll love it. I was thinking… if you’re free on Saturday 
we could have a chat about it in the Three Broomsticks? I’d really like to know what you 
think.” 
“Yeah, maybe…” Remus was torn between his desire not to disappoint Christopher 
(which he always seemed to be doing) and his keen awareness of Sirius’s very mercurial 
mood. “Don’t see why not.” 
“Is that the muggle book you’ve been reading?” Sirius asked, “Is it good then?” 
“Yeah, quite good.” Remus nodded, cautiously. 
“Great. Maybe I’ll read it then. I can get it done by Saturday, I read faster than you.” 
“You do ​not​!” Remus scowled, scandalised. 
“Well I have more time to read, anyway.” 
“Only because you hardly go to half your lessons.” Remus shot back. 
“I doubt it’s your sort of thing, Sirius.” Christopher spoke up. They both looked at 
him. He shrugged, “Well, it’s not! Tell him what it’s about, Remus.” 
“Er…” 
But it was too late, Sirius was already rummaging in the book bag at Remus’s hip as 
they walked, and at once withdrew the text. Remus fought the urge to snatch it back, only 
because he’d underlined some parts of it, just because he’d liked them so much, and he was 
embarrassed about it now. 
(I think you’re beautiful, the only beautiful person I’ve ever seen. I love your voice and 
everything to do with you, down to your clothes or the room you are sitting in. I adore you.) 
Fortunately, Sirius didn’t flip through the pages, only looked at the back cover, 
frowning slightly. 
“Isn’t this one of my uncle’s?” He asked. 
“Yeah, you said I could borrow it…” Remus rubbed the back of his head. 
“Is it dirty?” 
“No.” 
“Oh well. I’ll read it anyway.” Sirius poked out his tongue. “That can be my dare.” 
“Very brave.” Remus grabbed back the book and shoved it in his bag. 
“But it’s about…” Christopher frowned. They were almost at the portrait hole now, and 
Sirius stopped, making all three of them stop too. Sirius looked at Remus, raising an 
eyebrow, he nodded to Chris. 
“He makes a lot of assumptions, this one.” 
Remus was surprised to find that his own cheeks were heating up, too. He shrugged, 
“He doesn’t know you very well.” 

469 

“Oi, Christopher?” Sirius shot him a very wicked look. “Dare me to snog Moony?” 
“Wha-- I--?!” Christopher looked stricken, as if he knew there was a joke somewhere, 
but he couldn’t figure out the punchline. 
Sirius wasted no time. He took Remus’s head, roughly, and pulled him in for a kiss. 
Remus gave in. It was a bit mean, but he could hardly refuse. If it was a test of loyalty, or 
simply something Sirius thought would be funny, he had to go along with it. 
“Oh for merlin’s sake!” A voice came from further up the corridor, causing Sirius and 
Remus to spring apart. “I’m away for a week and the castle turns into an orgy!” 
All three boys spun around to see Marlene standing there in her travelling cloak, 
duffle bag at her side. She gave them a knowing smirk, “What a load of queers.” 
 
 
  

470 

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-SIX 

Seventh Year: Mind Games 

 
Everyone was thrilled to see Marlene, of course. Sirius ushered her through the fat 
lady portrait as fast as he could, and practically trumpeted her arrival to the whole common 
room, as though he had conjured her from thin air. 
Lily and James rushed over, hugging her and taking her bag, and cloak and leading her 
to the couch by the fireplace, where Mary hugged her so fiercely Marlene almost squeaked. 
“We’ve missed you!” Mary exclaimed, finally letting her friend go. 
“I can see that!” Marlene gasped, pink cheeked. “Have you all been that bored without 
me?” 
Remus hung back a little. He and Marlene didn’t hug much, anyway, so he didn’t think 
it would be noticed. He watched her warily, and chose to sit in the armchair furthest away 
from her, trying not to draw attention to himself. Christopher had slipped away too, at 
some point, maybe up to his dorm room. In the back of his mind, Remus hoped Chris 
wasn’t angry with him, but he filed that away for another time. He had too much to worry 
about with Marlene’s return. 
“How’s Danny?” Mary was asking now, lowering her voice. 
“He’s… recovering.” Marlene nodded, her eyes serious. “He’s at home now, mum’s 
driving him crazy as usual. He won’t… he won’t be going back to the Cannons.” She 
swallowed and looked down at her hands. 
“It’s a bloody disgrace.” James banged his fist on the arm of the couch, “If I was their 
manager, I’d--” 
“He’s too badly injured, anyway.” Marlene shook her head, wiping quickly under her 
eyes, “He’d have been off for the rest of the season either way; it’ll be months before he’s 
back on a broom. So. Just as well.” 
“Still bollocks.” James muttered. 
“Yeah, well.” Marlene looked up, stonily. “Can hardly blame them. I know ​I​ would 
have… anyway. Not worth thinking about.” 
Remus felt sick with tension. Everyone else sitting in the group knew what he was - 
everyone e​ xcept​ Marlene. The guilt he had been successfully avoiding for a week came 
crashing back over him like a cold shower. It had been ​his​ responsibility to warn everyone 
of the attack. He had told Dumbledore, but it hadn’t been enough; he’d failed. And now the 
evidence of his failure was sitting right in front of him, her face thin and her eyes dark with 
worry. 
Marlene cleared her throat and flashed them all a brave smile, 
“I’m going to talk to Madam Pomfrey as soon as I can; see if she recommends 
anything. The healers at St Mungo’s were useless, more concerned with keeping him 
quarantined than actually ​helping​ him. Hardly anyone could answer the questions I had 

471 

about transformations, or aftercare, or pain relief… it was like they’d rather I just stopped 
talking about him; like they wanted to pretend he wasn’t there...” 

Her voice was getting higher and thinner as she said this, tears threatening to choke 
her. She cleared her throat again. “I mean, I ​know​ what he is, don’t get me wrong. I know 
what he’s going to become. But he’s still my brother for fuck’s sake!” 

“Of course he is.” Mary said, squeezing Marlene’s hand. She gave Remus a look, and 
he looked at his feet. N​ o. No way. Absolutely not.​  

No one else was speaking, but they all had the same look on their faces. A​ re they 
thinking about me?​ Remus wondered, queasily, ​do they blame me? Are they wondering what I’m 
capable of? 

“Anyway.” Marlene shook her head again. “What’s been going on here? Is that your 
cat, Lily?” 

“Valentine’s day present,” Lily smiled, stroking the purring bundle in her lap. “His 
name’s Hieronymus.” 

“Catchy.” Marlene sniffed, smiling. “Nice one, Potter, you big softie.” 
“You’re still on the team, right?” James asked, leaning forward, “My star beater?!” 
“Obviously,” She rolled her eyes, “I’m assuming the training times haven’t changed…?” 
“First thing tomorrow morning.” James grinned. 
“And, we’re planning this huge--” Peter started, eagerly, but was cut off, 
“Oi, McKinnon.” 
They all turned around to see Yasmin standing behind the couch, hands on her hips 
and grinning widely. She’d obviously been getting ready for bed, her hair was piled messily 
up on her head and she was wearing in her oversized Holyhead Harpies shirt and a baggy 
pair of men’s winceyette pyjama bottoms. 
“Alright, Patel?” Marlene answered. Remus couldn’t see her face but he knew she was 
smiling. She twisted round on the couch and got up on her knees, and the girls hugged 
tightly. 
You could do that, Remus realised, if you were girls. No one thought it was weird. He 
wondered if Sirius was thinking the same thing. He hoped not. 
That pretty much put an end to any more werewolf talk, which was a relief. Remus just 
hoped he could avoid it later, when it was just him and Sirius. He was sure to want to know 
how Remus f​ elt​, and what his ​thoughts​ were… and while yes, ok, Remus did understand that 
communication was important and blah blah blah… did that mean they had to discuss every 
painful thing in minute detail?! 
For god’s sake. He was already getting agitated about it, and it hadn’t even happened. 
He cracked his neck and then his shoulders, willing himself to loosen up. He was still a bit 
wound up from that kiss out in the corridor, he realised. He wasn’t sure whether or not 
Sirius had meant it that way, or if it was all just a show for Christopher, but it had stirred 
something in Remus, and now it felt like… unfinished business. He shifted a bit in his seat, 
and tried to ignore that, too. 

472 

Mary had tactfully moved to the other end of the couch, and was now casually filing 
her nails and chatting to Lily, who was teasing Hieronymus with a quill.   

Yaz climbed over the back of the sofa to take her place, and she and Marlene had their 
heads together, speaking very quickly and very quietly. Remus caught the muggy scent of 
the m​ uffliato​ spell, which was odder from the outside than the inside - as if their very words 
were blurred out somehow. They were sitting so close to each other that their thighs 
touched, Yaz’s arm slung around the back of the couch just behind Marlene’s head, in a way 
that would have raised eyebrows, even if only ​one​ of them was a boy. 

James and Sirius were in a deep conversation about the upcoming quidditch match 
against Ravenclaw, Peter eagerly interjecting every now and then with his own tactical 
insights. Remus pulled his book out and tried to read. It was no good; he couldn’t 
concentrate with so many people chatting. 

The last postcard from Grant was tucked into the dust jacket of ​Maurice​, and he read it 
again. This time the photo on the front was of three bikini clad girls frolicking in the sea. 
Even Sirius had found that one funny. There wasn’t much on the back - Grant was a man of 
few words, when it came to written correspondence. 

Working hard, having fun. Hope you’re well. 

Love.   
That word again. Obviously Grant could say it. Or write it. He couldn’t spell Remus’s 
surname the same way twice, but love was no big deal. Ugh. Only half an hour ago, Remus 
had been almost completely free from worry; cocooned by his friends, and Sirius, and the 
idiotic notion that everything would be ok, if they could just come up with a really good 
prank. 
But the shade had fallen now, and no matter where he looked, all Remus could see was 
trouble and his own failings. Frustrated, he slammed his book closed on the postcard, a 
little too hard. Everyone looked up. 

“All right there, Moony?” Lily asked, gently. 

“Fine. Sorry.” Remus nodded. He reached into his pockets for a cigarette, pulling out 
his matchbox quickly. 

“Not in the common room, please!” Lily switched to head girl mode as quick as a flash. 

“Right, right, sorry…” He clumsily clambered to his feet, fag pursed between his lips. 
“I’ll go upstairs.” 

“We’re going to bed too.” Marlene said, then blushed and stammered quickly, “I mean, 
upstairs. To sleep. Erm. You know - if we’ve got an early practice…” 

Yaz was barely able to keep a straight face as she waved goodbye to them all, before 
hurrying up the stairs after her girlfriend. Mary and Remus shared a knowing look, but 
James and Lily still seemed blissfully ignorant. 

“Night.” Remus nodded to everyone, heaving his bag onto his shoulder and heading up 
the opposite flight of stairs to the boys dormitories. 

It was a mistake. Alone, he had nothing to distract him from his own judgements - 
and they were harsh. Quite right too, in Remus’s opinion. If the McKinnon family could not 

473 

forget the repercussions of his failure to act, then why should he have any respite? And 
those were just the people he k​ new​ he had let down - there were families up and down the 
country now facing a full moon for the first time. It was a good thing his father was dead, 
and his mother had washed her hands of him. At least he couldn’t cause them any more 
pain. 

He sat on the window ledge, letting the cold air wash over him, smoking and thinking 
and scolding himself until he thought he may as well just fling himself out of it. But that 
was just a passing fancy. Remus was too much of a coward to do what ought to be done; this 
much he knew. 

Still, he felt a strong urge to do something. Something drastic, something violent. The 
wolf inside would have liked a good long run, but it would be past curfew soon. There was a 
bit of dope in his sock drawer, but that would only make him more gloomy. Someone was 
hiding a bottle of firewhisky; he could smell it, but that was probably in preparation for his 
own upcoming birthday, and he couldn’t spoil that for his friends. Maybe put a record on 
and flail around a bit, but he’d never been much for dancing, and his hip was bothering 
him. 

Sirius’s footfall on the stairs disrupted his thoughts. Remus licked his lips, 
remembering that kiss from earlier. Ah. There was always that. The ultimate distraction. 

Decision made, he stubbed out the cigarette and got up, striding purposefully across 
the room. He reached the door just as Sirius pushed it open - best not to even give him a 
chance. 

“Wotcher, Moony, just came to see if yo--” 
He shut him up with a fierce kiss, crushing their lips together, pulling him at the hips 
so that they were pressed hard against each other. 

“Oh, ok…” Sirius gasped, when he finally wrenched himself free. He kicked the door 
shut behind himself as Remus dragged him to the bed. 

It was good. Really, really good. Remus’s frustrated urgency was met with answering 
eagerness from Sirius, and they tore against each other, out of sync in the best possible way. 
Losing yourself in drink or drugs was nothing compared to losing yourself in Sirius Black. 
They’d been at this long enough now to know the edges of each others limits, and just how 
far they could push them. 

“Fuck.” Sirius groaned, when it was all over, and the windows were steamy and the 
waxing moon had risen outside. Remus reached for his fags once more, still buzzing, his 
hot skin humming. “Fuck.” Sirius said again, on his back, staring up. Beautiful mess. “What 
brought that on?” 

“Just you.” Remus replied, exhaling smoke. “Just wanted it.” 

“Not complaining.” 
Remus settled back, smoking quietly. This was good. This was better, anyway, than 
anything else he could be doing. He was still restless, though. A bit more tired, but fidgety 
and unsettled. He could go again. He could go all night, if it would shut his brain up. That 
made him glance at the door - they hadn’t shut the curtains, and by some miracle got away 
with it. 

474 

“Where are the others?” 
“Mm?” Sirius’s eyes had drifted shut, but he stirred awake, valiantly, “Oh, er… Pete’s 
three rounds into a chess game with a second year who’s obviously some sort of evil 
mastermind, Mary went to bed, and Prongs and the missus have gone to the prefect’s 
bathrooms. They thought they were being subtle.” He chuckled lightly under his breath. 
“I’m going to brush my teeth.” Remus said, getting up. In the bathroom, everything 
came flooding back, and he couldn’t meet his own eyes in the mirror. 
When he came back out, Sirius had woken up a bit, and was sitting up on bed. He 
smiled at Remus. 
“Hey, I just wanted to check you were ok about Marlene and everything,” 
“Fine,” Remus nodded, casually, climbing back in, drawing the curtains closed as he 
did. “It’s good to have her back.” 
“Mm, I hope you’re not worried about--” 
“Do we have to talk about that?” Remus crawled towards him, straddling his lap. He 
began kissing Sirius’s neck, rocking into him slowly. 
“Blimey, again?” Sirius sounded surprised, but not exactly unhappy about it. 
“Mmm…” Remus replied, taking his wrists and holding them, tight. Such lovely, lovely 
wrists. 
“Mmm… well ok, but if you are worried--” 
“Shut up, Black.” Remus growled, pulling back and meeting his eye. Sirius did, biting 
his lip. Remus smiled. “Much better. No more talking tonight.” 

* * * 
It was a cruel trick, really, exploiting Sirius’s peculiar proclivity for following direct 
instructions. But it worked, and Remus got his peace, at least that night. The next day was 
tougher, but lessons and library time became a comfortable barrier between them once 
again, not to mention the general rabble of friends who accompanied them pretty much 
everywhere. 
A wiser, braver man might have used the time to look into himself, to address the 
feelings of guilt and shame and self-disgust, and maybe make some changes for the better. 
Remus preferred pretending everything was fine. 
And for a little while anyway, it seemed that Sirius was going to let him. They were 
still together almost all of the time, and it wasn’t as if they were arguing. If Sirius wondered 
why Remus’s libido rocketed any time they started to have a private conversation, he didn’t 
say anything. In the end, he took a different tact. 
The weekend before the upcoming full moon, they were walking back up to school 
from Hogsmeade, and Remus had had to slow down because of his stupid hip, yet again. 
Sirius and James were chatting ahead, but Christopher hung back to keep Remus company. 
They had been to the Three Broomsticks, but the whole big group of them, and 
Christopher was always too shy to talk much in that sort if situation. So he was taking his 
chances now. 

475 

“I’m glad you liked the book,” he said, hands in his pockets as he walked, “Wasn’t it a 
nice ending?” 

“Yeah, great.” Remus puffed, rubbing his hip to try and get it going. 
“Maurice - the character - reminded me a bit of you.” 
“What? Nah.” He was starting to sweat with exertion, despite the cold February air. 
He wiped his forehead, squinting uphill. Sirius and James were striding ahead, laughing 
about something together. Christopher followed his eyeline. He pressed his lips together. 
“Are you and he... ?” He couldn’t find the words, and Remus knew what that was like, 
so he just gave a straight answer. No need to be coy. 
“Yeah. We are.” 
“Oh.” Christopher sounded deflated, as if he had still thought it was all a joke at his 
expense. “What’s that like, then?” 
“I dunno. Good. Great.” 
“I wish…” he sounded so sad, and he never finished the sentence. After a long time, 
and more struggling to keep up, Remus touched his shoulder gently. 
“There's someone for everyone, Chris.” 
“Maybe.” 
“Oi Moony! Come on!” Sirius was yelling. They were almost at school now, Sirius had 
stopped under the stone arch gateway to wait. 
“See you later, ok Remus?” Christopher muttered, hurrying off at a funny little jog. 
Remus ploughed on, finally reaching the school gate. His hip was screaming at him now, 
the joints burning, pain shooting up and down his leg. He nodded at Sirius by way of 
greeting, too out of breath to speak. He leaned against the stone with one arm, hoping 
Sirius wouldn’t mind waiting a bit longer while he pulled himself together. 
“Sorry.” He panted, finally. “Hate that fucking hill.” 
“Are you ok?” Sirius asked, giving him a funny look. “Sorry, didn’t mean to leave you 
behind.” 
“Fine.” Remus replied, “You know me, just a bit wonky.” He straightened up, winced, 
and rubbed his side again. 
“Is it your hip?” Sirius had his hands on ​his​ hips now, and was giving him an up and 
down sort of look that was rather like Madam Pomfrey after a bad full moon. 
“Yeah,” Remus shrugged. “s’always been a bit funny.” 
“When you say ‘a bit funny’, do you mean that you’re in pain?” 
“S'just ​sore​.” Remus said, indignant. 
“So, pain then.” Sirius raised an eyebrow. Remus hated that superior look. “How long 
has it been hurting?” 
“Oh, I dunno,” Remus threw his hands up, exasperated - what was the point of this?! 
“Since I was thirteen.” 
“Are you joking?!” 
“Just off and on.” 

476 

“What does Madam Pomfrey say?” 
“Oh for god’s sake, I don't whinge to her about this sort of crap!” Remus was aware 
that his voice was getting louder, a few third years walking past turned and looked at him, 
before running away giggling. 
“You’re being ridiculous.” Sirius folded his arms and tossed his hair, “She's a nurse, 
she's supposed to make you feel better. What would you do if I told you I’d been in pain for 
five years?!” 
“It’s not the same!” 
“What are you ​on​ about??” 
“​You’re​ not a fucking werew---” He stopped himself just in time. They both looked 
around themselves furtively, checking no one was listening in. Remus scolded himself. It 
had been a very long time since he’d let anyone get the better of his temper. 
Sirius leaned forward, glaring at him. 
“You don’t deserve to suffer, for fuck’s sake.” He muttered. 
That hurt. He didn’t know why, but it struck Remus so sharply it knocked the breath 
out of him, and his eyes pricked. He straightened up, careful to remain expressionless this 
time. He jutted his chin out at Sirius, meeting his glare. 
“I’m not talking about this any more. Come on, we’ll miss dinner.” And began to stride 
ahead, biting back against the stabbing in his side. 
 
  

477 

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-SEVEN 

Seventh Year: Remus the Martyr 

 
I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth 
The north side of my town faced east, and the east was facing south 
And now you dare to look me in the eye 
Those crocodile tears are what you cry 
It's a genuine problem, you won't try 
To work it out at all you just pass it by, pass it by 
  
Substitute me for him 
Substitute my coke for gin 
Substitute you for my mum 
At least I'll get my washing done. 
  
Wednesday 22nd February 1978 

The stalemate between Remus and Sirius lasted for the rest of the weekend. Sunday 
was the Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw quidditch game, so they got away with not speaking 
much. They both sat together in the stands, cheering when it was appropriate, and booing 
any time the Ravenclaw’s scored. 

“Aaaand that’s another ten points to Gryffindor!” The commentator called out through 
the megaphone, “An overwhelming sixty points now scored by team captain James Potter, 
no surprises there - fans are starting to wonder what will become of the mighty lions next 
year when they don’t have their golden boy to depend on--oof, mind that bludger, Simms! … 
nicely done! Though I m​ ust​ say, ​I’d​ have veered left, but I suppose not everybody is chosen 
for their dexterity, sometimes it’s just about giving everyone a chance, regardless of 
ability…” 

“Who let Lockhart do the commentary?” Sirius grumbled. “Stupid prat doesn’t even 
know anything about quidditch.” 

“He told me he was lined up to play for Puddlemere,” Peter said, “And the only reason 
he never played for Ravenclaw was that his coach said he shouldn’t squander his gift in 
school games.” 

“You’re so gullible, Pete,” Remus nudged him, “I​ ​ know more about quidditch than that 
twat.” 

“Yeah, and Moony knows about as much about quidditch as you know about judging 
character.” Sirius added, his voice unnecessarily sharp. 

Remus coloured. Fine, if Sirius wanted to be passive aggressive. 
“Well, Padfoot,” he replied, coolly, “If you want to do it so much, go and ask 
McGonagall. I think you’d be perfect for the job.” 

478 

“You-what?” Sirius gaped at him. Remus raised an eyebrow, 
“Oh yeah, you’re the only person in this school who chats more shit than Lockhart 
does.” 

Mary and Lily burst into giggles, covering their mouth. Sirius scowled. 

“Up yours.” He muttered. 

The game ended with 280 points to Gryffindor, but Sirius wasn't cheering. 
Quidditch matches generally took up most of the day, from an early breakfast listening 
to James’s pep talks, to the inevitable after party in the common room. Sirius stayed up late, 
so nobody noticed that they didn’t go to bed together. 
By Monday, they were on slightly more civil terms - or at least, neither of them wanted 
any of their friends to know they’d been fighting. Remus immersed himself in his NEWT 
revision - if he wasn’t alone in the library, he was extending his group study sessions to run 
an hour longer than usual, each night. It was the week of the full moon, and he was utterly 
exhausted, but at least it made getting to sleep easier. 
And he had to avoid Marlene too, of course. He deliberately skipped going to Madam 
Pomfrey’s Tuesday night healing classes, just in case the subject of werewolves reared its 
ugly head again. Marlene was the sort of girl who would derail an entire lesson if she 
thought injustice was being done somewhere. 
To Remus’s surprise, Gilderoy Lockhart, the smarmy Ravenclaw commentator, made a 
guest appearance in his Wednesday revision group. Lockhart was in the year below, and 
hadn’t crossed the marauder’s radar much so far. He was a bit camp and annoying, prone to 
laughing too loudly in the dining hall, but that was all Remus knew about him. 
He sidled up to Remus, his hair in ridiculous blond bouffant curls. He stank of 
aftershave, too. 

“Love this idea,” he gushed, “Helping other students to achieve, really great!” 

“Er, yeah, I s’pose.” Remus replied, shuffling his papers. 
“Thought I’d lend a hand,” Lockhart grinned toothily, “I’m rather a whizz myself, you 
know. Charms, Transfiguration, Potions - you name it.” 
“Um. Great. Cheers.” Remus nodded, “I said I’d go through anti-Giant legislation with 
the third years today, but have a chat with Chris,” He moved away, quickly, leaving 
Christopher to deal with it. 
Wednesday was also the second official meeting of the prank-planning group, so 
Remus and Chris stayed back in the Charms room after study group. Chris had a vaguely 
dazed expression as they leaned against Flitwick’s desk, waiting. 
“Sorry about that,” Remus offered, lighting up a cigarette as Lockhart swanned out. “I 
dunno how to deal with him.” 
“Oh, it’s fine, he’s in half my classes, so I’m used to it.” Chris replied, still looking a bit 
disturbed. 

“What did he want?” 
“It took a while to figure out,” Christopher frowned, “He kept telling me how good he 
is at everything… but I think he wanted help with Charms.” 

479 

Remus snorted disdainfully. 
The prank planning session was shorter than the week before - it turned out that no 
one had had any decent ideas yet. The fourth year Ravenclaws had uncovered some frankly 
terrifying curses which they were all eager to share, but Lily stepped in, reiterating the rule 
that nobody ought to get hurt. 
They split up again for the journey back to their common rooms, and Remus was faced 
with a choice between Marlene and Yaz or Sirius and Mary. In the end, he decided it was 
better the devil he knew, and chose Sirius and Mary. She did most of the talking, which was 
a relief, and the only awkward moment came when the boys were all back in the dormitory. 
Remus went over to his own bed, pulling back the duvet. 
“You’re sleeping there, then?” Sirius asked, out of the blue. Remus frowned, turning to 
look at him. He hadn’t thought it was up for debate - they were barely speaking to each 
other, w​ hy on earth​ would they sleep together? And why on earth did Sirius want to call 
attention to it in front of the others?! 
“Yeah.” He nodded, turning back, “Full moon tomorrow. Thought we should all get as 
much sleep as possible.” 
“Yeah, fair enough.” Sirius replied. Remus climbed in and drew his curtains shut, 
without another word. 
“Everything ok?” James whispered, very loudly. Sirius grunted a response, and that 
was that. 

* * * 
Thursday 23rd February 1978 

Remus was more on edge than usual on the day of the full moon. He’d slept badly 
anyway, thinking about the McKinnons and Sirius and wondering how he was ever going to 
fix any of it. 

At breakfast, it looked as though Marlene had had a difficult night too. Her eyes were 
rimmed red, and her hair was messier than usual. Yaz and Mary sat either side of her, vying 
to be the one who comforted her the most. 

“I just can’t stop thinking about him,” Marlene shook her head, staring into her bowl 
of cornflakes. “I’ve read so many books and accounts, and they all say it hurts a lot…” 

Remus stopped eating his own breakfast, and sipped his tea instead, trying to hide his 
distress. 

“I’ve read that too,” Sirius said, “But I’m sure that as long as Danny asks for the help 
he needs he’ll be fine.” 

Remus tried to ignore this, seething quietly under his collar. 
“Mum’s had to take him to the ministry.” Marlene continued, miserable, “They have 
cells there, apparently. We asked if there would be healers present, but no one can tell me 
anything.​ ” 
“I’m sure it’s the best place,” Yaz squeezed her arm, gently. 
Nobody agreed with her. Mary pursed her lips. 

480 

“He doesn’t deserve this!” Marlene burst into tears, “He doesn’t deserve to be locked 
up alone! He’s my lovely brother, not some… some ​animal​.” 

The nausea of guilt threatened to overwhelm Remus, and he left as soon as he could. 
The rest of the day he could barely concentrate on his lessons. Perverse as it was, ever since 
the marauders had become animagi, he’d sort of looked forward to full moons at Hogwarts. 
It had been a while since he’d dreaded one quite so much as this. 

When he arrived at Madam Pomfrey’s office in the evening, he found her frowning her 
way through a pile of letters. He’d never seen her doing paperwork before. 

“Oh, hello dear,” she smiled at him, tiredly, “Shall we get going?” 
He nodded, and waited patiently for her to put on her cloak. She saw him staring at 
the letters. “They’re from ex-pupils, mostly,” she explained, “Ones who were affected by the 
attacks. Some of them have family members facing their first full moon, and what to know 
if I know anything helpful.” 

“Oh.” 

“I’ve been able to pass on a bit about aftercare, but you and I know how little real 
information there is,” she continued, as they walked out. Remus remained mute. “I’ve had 
poor Miss McKinnon here every day, almost. She’s a friend of yours, isn’t she?” 

“Yes.” Remus’s voice cracked slightly. Madam Pomfrey patted his arm, softly. 
“It must be very hard for you, my dear.” 

“It’s fine.” 

“You know you can always talk to me, if you need to.” 
“Thanks.” He could hear Sirius’s voice in the back of his head, taunting him, ​I told you 
so… 

But Sirius was wrong. Physical pain was the very least of Remus’s problems, and 
something he was willing to bear, if he had to. It reminded him what he owed. 

Despite his apprehension, the full moon was a relief. Remus didn’t even cry out from 
the pain of transformation, he just let it consume him. As ashamed as it made him, it was 
good to become something else for a few hours; to relinquish control. The wolf was still on 
good terms with Padfoot, at least, and they could play and run and hunt without any messy 
human problems getting in the way. 

But it wasn’t to last. 

* * * 

Friday 24th February 1978 
The routine was standard by now. Remus transformed back, the others checked he was 

ok, then left, Madam Pomfrey came to collect him, he spent the morning under a sleeping 
draught, woke up in time for lunch, then headed back to his own bed in the afternoon. 

More recently, Sirius had been coming to collect him from the infirmary, if his 
timetable allowed for it. (And, actually, even when his timetable didn’t allow for it - Sirius 
took any excuse to bunk off.) Of course, given the way Remus had been acting, he didn’t 
expect Sirius to come that day. 

But Sirius was always full of surprises. 

481 

“Brought you a frog,” he said, waiting patiently as Remus finished tying his laces. He 
handed over a chocolate frog box, which Remus accepted. His temper had cooled quite a 
bit; perhaps a good long sleep had been all he needed. 

“Thanks.” 
“Can we be ok, again?” Sirius asked, sounding genuinely sorry. “Can we both just 
admit we said some stupid stuff, but it’s over, now?” 
Remus looked at him for a long time, letting him stew a little bit. Then he smiled, 
“Yeah, go on then.” 
They walked back to the tower quite happily, though Remus was pushing himself a bit 
harder than normal, trying not to limp or show any trace of discomfort. 
“Is Marlene ok?” Remus asked, as they neared the common room. 
“Yeah, think so,” Sirius nodded, “She got a letter from her mum this morning, saying 
Danny’s ok. Cried a bit, but she’s less of a state now.” 
“Good. That’s good.” 
They pushed through the portrait hole and walked through the common room. 
“I think I’ll go straight to bed for a bit,” Remus said, making for the dorm. “If that’s 
ok?” 
“Of course!” Sirius nodded, over polite, as they headed up yet another flight of stairs. 
Remus was seriously struggling now, but he’d be damned if he’d let Sirius see it. 
“You tired?” Remus asked. 
“Nah,” Sirius said, “Slept all morning. Peter too.” 
“Oh good.” Remus finally reached his bed and sat down. Without even thinking, his 
hand went to rub his hip. He stopped as soon as he realised, but Sirius’s eyes zeroed in on 
it at once. He looked Remus in the eye reproachfully. 
“Did you speak to Madam Pomfrey?” 
“We had a lovely chat, thanks.” Remus stiffened, defences back up, “About all her poor 
ex-students who had to transform for the first time last night. It was really cheery.” 
Sirius tutted. 
“But did you talk to her about your hip?!” 
“No.” Remus huffed, lying down.   
“Remus, stop being difficult! You see her every week! Just ​mention​ to her-- I mean, ​I’ll 
do it, if you want me to.” 
“Jesus Christ, not this again! Leave me alone!” Remus sat up again. 
“No!” Sirius retorted, just as viciously, “I don’t understand why you won’t tell her 
about it, I’m sure she could help.” 
“Oh my god, why can’t you just drop it? I said I don’t want to bother her with crap like 
this. You’re making such a big fuss over nothing!” Remus was on his feet now, the wolf 
inside him wanting the higher ground; asserting dominance. 
“And ​you’re​ avoiding your problems again!” Sirius raged, “You always do this and it’s 
so bloody exhausting! You think you’re being so mature, do you? Keeping everything 

482 

bottled up. It’s stupid! You’re just making a martyr of yourself, it’s like you w​ ant​ to be 
miserable.” 

“Oh, get fucked, Black!” Remus shouted back. “Easy for you to have a go, isn’t it?! Why 
do we always have to talk about m​ y​ shit life, hm?! Mr ‘tell me a fucking secret’?!”   

Sirius blinked, shocked, and Remus was elated; he had something now. He had Sirius 
in his jaws, he wasn’t letting go until he tasted blood. “What about y​ ou,​ Sirius?! How come 
we never get to talk about y​ our​ fucked up family, with your death eater brother and your 
insane cousin?! Why don’t we talk about ​your​ pain, and y​ our​ scars for a little while, see how 
that feels.” 

“Remus, for fuck’s sake--” 
“No, I know! Why don’t we talk about your m​ other?​ ” Remus went in for the kill, and it 
was more effective than even he had expected. Sirius changed completely; his expression 
froze, his posture tensed, as if he’d been punched in the gut. 
Remus almost wished he had punched him, because then at least Sirius could just 
punch him back, and they could have a fair fight, and that would be it. But that hadn’t been 
fair, and he couldn’t take it back. 
Sirius gave him a look of utter hurt and shock, before turning quickly to anger. 
“Go fuck yourself, Lupin.” He spat, storming out. 
“Yeah, piss off, then!” Remus shouted as the door slammed. 
He was breathing hard, and his face was very hot. He wished Sirius would come back 
and shout at him a bit more, so he could shout back, but he settled for chain smoking and 
The Sex Pistols. Fuck everybody. 
Sirius did not return, and Remus didn’t know where the map was, so he couldn’t look 
for him. 
Eventually, the dorm room door did open again, and Lily and James came in, very close 
together and whispering happily, 
“Oh, hiya Moony!” James stopped as he caught sight of Remus brooding by the 
window. He looked a bit sheepish, “Sorry, we thought you’d be in the hospital wing, still.” 
“No. She lets me go after lunch, normally.” Remus replied, monotone. He got up, “I’ll 
get out of your way.” 
“No, no, Remus, don’t!”! Lily said, flustered, “We just came up here for the quiet.” 
“Really?” Remus raised a sarcastic eyebrow, and Lily and James blushed, looking away. 
“Where’s Padfoot?” James went over to sit on his bed. 
“Don’t know.” 
“What?” 
“Don’t know. Don’t care.” Remus withdrew another cigarette from his matchbox and 
lit it with the end of the last one. 
“Are you… having a fight?” 
“Look, stay out of it, Potter.” Remus snarled. 
James recoiled, and looked at Lily, who shrugged back at him. 

483 

At that very moment, as if it had been summoned just to break the tension, an owl 
flew in the open window, surprising all three of them. It was from the Potters, and James 
retrieved two letters tied to its leg. He glanced down at one and held it out to Remus. 

“For you, Moony.” 
Clicking his tongue irritably, Remus got up off the sill and went to snatch it from 
James’s outstretched hand. He opened it, skimming the brief note from Mrs Potter, who 
had been so kindly forwarding all of his correspondence. 
He expected another postcard from Grant, but it was a neatly folded envelope. He 
didn’t recognise the tidy, blue ink handwriting, but it had a muggle stamp. 
He looked down at the return address, written in tiny script on the back. 
If undelivered, please return to ​: 
Ms Hope Jenkins, Sparrow Ward, Cardiff City Hospital, Cardiff. 
 
(Song: Substitute - The Who) 
 
 
 
 
  

484 

ONE HUNDRED & THIRTY-EIGHT 

Seventh Year: Hope 

 
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   

They may not mean to, but they do.   
They fill you with the faults they had 

And add some extra, just for you. 
  
But they were fucked up in their turn 

By fools in old-style hats and coats,   
Who half the time were soppy-stern 

And half at one another’s throats. 
  
Man hands on misery to man. 

It deepens like a coastal shelf. 
Get out as early as you can, 

And don’t have any kids yourself. 
 
Ms Hope Jenkins. 

  
Remus choked on his fag, then dropped it, burning a hole in his trousers. Yelping with 
pain, he leapt up, patting wildly at the hot patch on his thigh. 
“Remus!” Lily stared at him, alarmed, “Are you ok?!” 
“Yeah, yeah…” He picked up the cigarette and tossed it out of the window. He’d 
scrunched up the little envelope in his other hand. He stuffed the crumpled paper into his 
pocket. “Just… nipping to the loo.” 
He hurried into the little bathroom and slammed the door shut, trying to regulate his 
breathing a bit. Ok. Ok. He ought to have expected this. He was the one who’d written to 
her​, after all. 
Remus pulled the letter out of his pocket and smoothed it out. He couldn’t have 
opened it in front of Lily and James; it might say anything, and he was so unprepared. He 
bit his lip. He wanted another cigarette, badly, but he’d just chucked the last one out of the 
window. Typical. 
He peeled open the envelope slowly, taking care not to tear it, as if that might mean 
something. The paper was tissue-thin, and he unfolded it gently. The handwriting was 
more recogniseable now. He knew it from the original letter, written all those years ago, 
except now it was more spindly; noticeably crooked, as though the hand had been shaking. 
Dear Remus, 

485 

I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you. I am afraid I have been unwell, and I have 
not been at home to receive post. 

I was so happy to hear from you. I am sorry I cannot write more, my darling, but I would love 
to hear how you are getting on. Please write again, to the address below. 

Love Mum. 
Remus’s own hands were shaking now. ‘​Love Mum​.’ What the fuck did that mean?! 
He felt rage creeping up on him, ready to swallow him whole. The spat with Sirius 
faded into insignificance; now he was truly furious. It was an anger that had lain dormant 
for a long time now, but it had always been there, in the core of him. An anger that had no 
direction, no purpose other than filling him up with red hot mania. Maybe Greyback had 
put it there. Maybe Hope’s abandonment had. Right now he didn’t give a shit. 
Unable to control himself, he kicked the bathroom door. He kicked it so hard that he 
splintered the wood, cracking it right through. 
“Fuck.” He muttered. “Ow.” He hoped he hadn’t broken a toe. 
“Oh my god, Remus?!” Lily’s voice sang out again. 
“Sorry.” He said, almost on instinct, as he wrenched his foot free from the door. He 
unlocked it. 
James was standing right there, his eyes big and wide, Lily just behind him, as if he 
was shielding her from Remus. 
“What the bloody hell are you playing at?!” James said, his voice hard. “Look, if you’re 
having a tiff with Padfoot then sort it out between you, don’t start tearing our room apart!” 
“Sorry.” Remus said again, feeling quite small. He’d never been told off by James 
before; it was scarier than he’d expected. 
“Remus?” Lily pushed her boyfriend aside, impatiently, “What’s wrong?” 
He shook his head, looking down at the letter in his hands. His shoulders slumped. He 
was still breathing too hard to be able to speak. He handed it to her. 
Lily gave him a quizzical look, but took the paper from him. As she read it, her eyes 
grew bigger and her mouth dropped open. James read it over her shoulder, and soon 
enough their expressions matched. Remus couldn’t seem to get his breathing under control; 
he wasn’t quite sure what was happening. His chest grew very tight, as if all the air had 
been sucked out of the room. He suddenly felt very hot and very dizzy, and he was seeing 
stars. 
He stumbled, clutching the door frame for dear life. 
“Remus?!” Lily’s voice came to him in an echo, as if he was at the bottom of a deep 
well. Her soft hands were on his shoulders, and she guided him down towards the floor - 
which was a good thing, because his legs had just decided to give up. She started rubbing 
his back slowly, and was speaking very calmly, “Deep breaths, Remus, do you hear me? In 
through your mouth, then out through your nose, ok? With me; one… two… three…” 
He didn’t know what sort of magic that was, but it started to work, and after ten deep 
breaths he began to feel normal again. His vision clearing, he looked up. Lily was sitting 

486 

beside him on the dusty bedroom floor. James was standing over them, looking worried. He 
had the letter. 

“Thanks,” Remus said, still short of breath, “Sorry, I dunno what happened there.” 
“My sister has funny turns like that all the time, when she gets anxious,” Lily 
explained. “Got anything sweet? She normally has a biscuit after the worst has passed.” 
“Um… yeah.” Remus delved into his pocket for the chocolate frog Sirius had given him 
earlier. He unwrapped it and bit the head off, quickly. His mouth filled with rich sweetness, 
and he really did feel much better. 
He tried to get up, and James immediately offered a steady arm to help, 
“Sorry I had a go, Moony,” he said, still sounding very worried, “I was a right dick.” 
“No, I shouldn’t have broken the door…” Remus replied, carefully brushing his 
trousers down and walking to his bed to sit. 
“Oh, that’s nothing,” Lily got up and withdrew her wand, “R​ eparo.​ See?” 
“Can I have the letter back?” Remus asked, weakly. 
“Yeah, sorry!” James hurried to pass it back. Remus read it again. His stomach 
tightened, but he didn’t get dizzy again. L​ ove Mum.​ “I didn’t know you’d sent her a letter.” 
James said. “I didn’t know you even knew where she was.” 
“Your parents helped me.” Remus said, still re-reading. “I only told Sirius about it.” 
“Oh, love,” Lily came to sit by him, she squeezed his hand. “Are you going to write 
back?” 
Remus looked up, staring ahead. He made a decision. 
“No. I’m going to see her.” 
“Oh!” Lily squeaked, “Yes, of course… er… I bet McGonagall would help you arrange it 
for the weekend, maybe--” 
“No.” Remus shook his head, “I’m going right now.” 
“What?!” James said. 
“I’ve waited long enough.” Remus said. “I’ve got the address. I’m going.” 
“Remus, don’t you want to just have a think--” Lily started. 
“No.” Remus said, pulling his hand away from her. 
His hand brushed against the cigarette burn in his leg. Bugger. Where was he going to 
get another pair? Better try a mending spell once he’d calmed down a bit. He got up and 
went to his his trunk to find a clean pair of trousers. Couldn’t meet his mother with 
cigarette burns on his clothes, could he? 
“No thinking.” He said to Lily. “She’s in a hospital, god knows why, but I might not 
have long.” 
He undressed without even thinking. Lily looked away, quickly, blushing, but he didn't 
care. “Prongs,” he said, “Can I have your cloak?” 
“Of course.” James nodded, without hesitation. 
“Thanks. I’m going to try and apparate from Honeyduke’s, I think. Shouldn’t be gone 
all night, I can be back before curfew, I bet.” 

487 

“Good plan.” James nodded. 
“How are you going to get to Honeyduke’s?!” Lily asked, looking very confused. 
Remus looked at James, curiously. The other boy gave a sheepish chuckle and pushed his 
glasses up his nose. 

“Er… there's sort of a secret passageway…” 
Less than half an hour later, they had passed the hunchbacked witch statue and were 
about to begin the journey to Hogsmeade. They’d hurriedly dressed in muggle clothes, 
something Lily had suggested almost at the very last minute. James had wanted to tell 
Sirius and Peter, but Remus refused. Peter couldn’t apparate anyway, and Remus didn’t 
have room for Sirius in his head right now. Luckily, James respected this reasoning. 
“How many m​ ore​ secrets do you lot have?!” Lily was whispering, staring about her as 
they progressed along the dark tunnel. 

“Does she know about the map?” Remus asked, innocently. 

“What map?! Potter! What map??” 
They weren’t really fighting. It was just part of the fun, for Lily and James, all the 
bickering. They’d spent so many years doing it already they just didn’t know how to stop. 
Remus liked it. It kept his mind off everything else. 

Because he’d calmed down now, and the rational thoughts were starting to creep back 
in. W​ here are you going? Why would you think she wants to see you, after all these years? You’ll get 
caught out of bounds and expelled, and you’ll drag Lily and James down with you.​  

And Sirius. He wanted more than anything to have Sirius nearby, if only they weren’t 
fighting. Perhaps he’d brought this all on himself, invoking Sirius’s mother like that. Oh 
god, what if Hope was like Walpurga?! 

But he pressed on, because he’d come this far now. Soon enough they were in the 
cellar of Honeyduke’s and all memorising the hospital address, preparing to apparate. 

That part was easy. Remus was so full of emotions and adrenaline that he barely had to 
turn his head and he was whooshing through space, following the current of magic towards 
Cardiff. Lily and James landed moments later, holding hands. 

“This is Wales, then,” Lily said, looking around at the quiet city street they found 
themselves on. “Never been before.” 

“Me neither.” James and Remus replied in unison. 
“Let’s look for the hospital, then,” she smiled. She dropped James’s hand and took 
Remus’s instead, half leading him to the end of the road. 
They’d overshot by only a street or two. The main building was ornate, old and red 
brick, the rest of it ‘60s grey concrete. It had that cold institutional atmosphere which 
reminded Remus too much of St Edmund’s. 
“Right!” Lily said, brightly, facing a large map of the building, beneath a signpost 
pointing in various directions. “It was Sparrow ward, wasn’t it… so that's… over there.” 
She set off again, and Remus was so, so glad she was there, because everything in him 
was telling him to run away and never look back. Sparrow was in one of the concrete 
blocks. They stopped just outside. 

488 

“Um… Lily? James?” Remus said, holding them back. “Do you mind… not coming with 
me? I just… I want to do it by myself. Sorry.” 

“Of course.” Lily said, patting his shoulder. “We’ll wait right here, right James?” 
“Ok.” James nodded, carefully, “Moony, are you sure you don’t want me to get--” 
“He won’t come.” Remus said, with absolute certainty. “You were right, we did have a 
fight. I was awful to him, I said some really shitty stuff. He’s angry and he's got a right to 
be.” 
“Yeah, but still--” 
“It's fine, Prongs.” Remus assured him, “I’m fine. Ok, I’m going in now.” 
“Good luck!” Lily smiled. He nodded, grimly, and approached the revolving doors. 
Inside the hospital there were signs pointing in all sorts of directions, and three times 
Remus had to go back on himself because he’d taken a wrong turn, or got in the wrong lift 
somewhere. It was an awful place; it stank of sickness and piss and disinfectant masking 
blood and death. Remus’s nerve was weakening by the minute. 
Finally, he passed through a set of double doors with ‘Sparrow’ printed neatly above in 
blue and white. It led to a quieter corridor, with a nurses station at the end and lots of light 
open rooms with neat rows of people lying in beds. 
Remus shuffled along to the nurses station, trying to get a look at the names of the 
patients listed on the wall behind. 
“Who’re you looking for, lovie?” A plump nurse asked him with a pleasant smile. 
“Um. Hope Jenkins…” Remus mumbled. 
“Ah! Relative, are you?” 
“Yes. I’m her son.” 
“Oh, she’ll be so pleased! She talks about her kids all the time, does Hope. Just follow 
me, pet.” 
He didn’t have time to be stunned by this latest revelation that his mother had ‘kids’, 
plural. Speechless, Remus followed the nurse down the squeaky green lino corridor, onto a 
ward with six or eight beds in it. She led him to the far window, where light poured in. 
“Hope, my love, you’ve got a visitor! Your boy’s come up to see you, isn’t that nice?” 
The nurse ushered him in, and he stood at the end of the bed, helplessly. The woman 
lying in the bed looked as though she had been dozing, though she was propped up in a 
half-sitting position. She was blinking now, disoriented, and frowned slightly at the nurse. 
“Who?” She spoke in a quiet, hoarse voice, still confused until her dark eyes landed on 
Remus. Her pale eyebrows shot up. “Oh.” She said. 
“Hello.” He waved, feeling stupid. 
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” the nurse was saying now, drawing the pale hospital 
curtains around the bed, “Can I get anyone a cup of tea?” 
“No thank you.” They both replied, still staring at each other. 
She was very small, and very frail. Skeletal, even; her bones and tendons showing 
through the skin. She looked much older than Remus had imagined; but perhaps that was 

489 

just the illness. Her face was sunken, and had a morbid, skull-like quality. He remembered 
how lovely she’d looked in her photograph, and how pretty she might still be, if she was 
well. 

More alert now, her watery black eyes stared up at him, with an almost greedy glint; as 
if she was absorbing every inch of his gangly frame. He stood still, and let her.   

“Oh,” she whispered, hoarsely. Her eyes filled with tears. “Oh, you look just like him.” 
So this was his mother. He looked down at her and felt nothing at all. 
He cleared his throat, 
“I got your letter.” He didn’t know what else to say. He wished he hadn’t come at all. 
“You didn’t have to come.” She replied, softly. “I didn’t dare ask you to. But I did want 
to see you. I’ve wanted to see you… for years.” She closed her eyes and the tears ran tracks 
down her thin face. 
He bit his tongue. All sorts of foul, nasty things boiled in his throat, wanting to be 
spoken. But what use was it? She was clearly dying, he could smell it on her. Angry words 
would make no difference. She spoke again. “You’re at Hogwarts?” 
“Yeah,” he nodded. “Final year.” 
“He’d be so pleased. Lyall. Your father.” 
Silence again. Remus didn’t want to look at her for too long. She looked so sad, so very 
weak and sick. “Is there anything you want to ask me?” 
Remus shrugged. This was more horrible than he could have imagined. She laughed, 
softly, 
“You won’t hurt my feelings, you know. This might be your only chance.” 
She swallowed, when he still did not speak. “All right then, I’ll just tell you. I’m sorry 
for what I did. I’m not proud. I loved your father more than… well, I loved him with all of 
my heart. He was everything to me, I wish you could have known him. When you were hurt, 
and he died… I just didn’t know what to do. I was so young, I was alone. I hadn’t seen my 
own family in years, and I didn’t even know the neighbours because Lyall said we had to 
keep things secret.” 
She was Welsh, he recognised the accent now. The way she spoke his father’s name in 
two gentle syllables - L​ y-all​. He felt stupid for not realising, seeing as they were in Cardiff, 
but still. No one had ever told him she was Welsh. He supposed it wasn’t pertinent 
information to anyone but him. 
“Look,” he said, “It’s fine, you don’t have to explain.” 
“I’ve thought about you,” she said, desperately, “Every day. My boy, my poor little 
boy.” 
“Don’t.” He said, feeling uncomfortable - frightened, even. “It’s ok, please don’t…” 
He sat down in the stiff backed hospital chair beside her. He didn’t reach for her, or 
hold her hand, that felt like too much. 
“I thought it was the best thing,” she wept, the tears tickling down into the pillow she 
lay on, “I couldn’t have looked after you, you were so strong, even when you were that 

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