Harvard_Business_Review_OnPoint_Winter_2020

TheBest of HBR
Winter 2020

The NewHBR.org
Work/Life
Balance

How to
manage
burnout,
establish
boundaries,
and find
time for both
work and
family—even
if you’re
working

from
home





FROM THE EDITORS

Beating Burnout,
Especially Now

A S T H E C O RO N AV I RUS crisis continues, classic “Be a Better Leader, Have a Richer
it’s becoming clear that the extraordi- Life,” Wharton professor Stewart D.
nary pressures on our daily lives are not Friedman argues that the question isn’t
subsiding any time soon. how to balance work and life; instead,
it’s how to better integrate them. Do this
Employees working from home well and you’ll find yourself enriched in
have to confront the lack of a practical all domains.
boundary between work and personal
time. Working parents whose children While all these tactics can be helpful,
are now at home must make impossible the most powerful solutions ultimately
choices about how to split their days. lie with organizations. “In the mod-
Those choices are made more confusing ern workplace, with its emphasis on
by the rapid fluctuation of conditions connectivity and collaboration,” Harvard
as some areas reopen and as businesses Business School professor Leslie Perlow
themselves face existential crises and writes, “the real problem is not how
shortages of staff that call for more of individuals manage their own time.
their leaders’ attention, not less. It’s how we manage our collective time—
how we work together to get the job
How can you balance so many done.” And this is critical for business
demands sustainably? leaders to recognize, because when
it comes to improving employees’
Most work/life balance survival tac- work/life balance, it’s not just produc-
tics come back to the basics, even if the tivity at stake; it’s our personal and
basics look a little different now: Iden- collective well-being, too.
tify your priorities (we’re all a little more
clear-eyed now about what’s important – The Editors
in life). Communicate with your family.
Rely on your colleagues and friends. Set
better boundaries.

Mindset shifts can provide alterna-
tives to stark tradeoffs, though. In his

2 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020



WINTER 2020

Contents

Culled by the editors of Harvard Business Identify Your Priorities MUTI/FOLIO ART
Review from the magazine’s rich archives, these
articles are written by some of the world’s leading Happiness Traps | 10
management scholars and practitioners. To
help busy leaders apply the concepts, they are Annie McKee
accompanied by “Idea in Brief” summaries.
Manage Your Work, Manage Your Life | 18
4 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020 Boris Groysberg and Robin Abrahams

How Will You Measure Your Life? | 26

Clayton M. Christensen

Set Boundaries

Beating Burnout | 34

Monique Valcour

Stop Work Overload by Setting
These Boundaries | 40

Elizabeth Grace Saunders

How to Stay Focused When
You’re Working from Home | 43

Elizabeth Grace Saunders

Winning Support for Flexible Work | 45

Amy Gallo

Building Work/Life Boundaries
in the WFH Era | 48

Nancy P. Rothbard

The Downside of Flextime | 52

Maura Thomas

Nine Practices to Help You Say No | 54

Peter Bregman

Why You Need an Untouchable
Day Every Week | 56

Neil Pasricha

Cover photographs: Smoothie by TASHKA2000/GET TY IMAGES
Coffee by PROCURATOR/GET TY IMAGES



WINTER 2020

Our Commitment to Sustainability

We’re proud that the paper we use in our print magazine is certified
under the Sustainable Forestry Initiative® program, meaning that it
comes from responsibly managed sources and is a renewable resource.

What to Do When
a Personal Crisis
Is Hurting Your
Professional Life | 58

Amy Gallo

Are the People Who Take
Vacations the Ones Who
Get Promoted? | 61

Shawn Achor

How to Get the Most
Out of a Day Off | 63

Elizabeth Grace Saunders

In Praise of Being
Unproductive | 64

JM Olejarz

Do Something What’s Really Holding Working Parents, Why the Crisis Is CALVIN SPRAGUE
Besides Work Women Back? | 88 Make Friendships a Part Putting Companies
of Your Routine | 109 at Risk of Losing
Be a Better Leader, Robin J. Ely and Irene Padavic Female Talent | 124
Have a Richer Life | 66 Neal J. Roese and
How Dual-Career Kyle S.H. Dobson Colleen Ammerman and
Stewart D. Friedman Couples Make Boris Groysberg
It Work | 96 Managing Others
Diversify Yourself | 74 Your Late-Night
Jennifer Petriglieri Managing the Emails Are Hurting
Peter Bregman High-Intensity Your Team | 127
How Dual-Career Workplace | 112
Do You Have a Life Couples Can Maura Thomas
Outside of Work? | 76 Work Through the Erin Reid and
Coronavirus Crisis | 104 Lakshmi Ramarajan Help Your
Rob Cross Overwhelmed,
Jennifer Petriglieri Manage Your Team’s Stressed-Out
Why You Should Work Collective Time | 118 Team | 129
Less and Spend More A Guide for
Time on Hobbies | 79 Working (from Leslie Perlow Julie Mosow
Home) Parents | 106
Gaetano DiNardi The Pandemic Has Executive
Avni Patel Thompson Exposed the Fallacy of Summaries | 132
Balancing Work the “Ideal Worker” | 122
and Family
Joan C. Williams
A Working Parent’s
Survival Guide | 82

Daisy Dowling

6 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

“No matter which coast we’re on, we can always
count on First Republic to be there for our family.”

G E OF F B E DRO SI A N, Real Estate Investment Executive and Proprietor, Domaine de la Rivière
M A R L A B E D R O S I A N, Proprietor, Domaine de la Rivière
Pictured with children (left to right) Zak, Shoshana and Duff

(855) 886-4824 | Ŕrstrepublic.com | New York Stock Exchange symbol: FRC

MEMBER FDIC AND EQUAL HOUSING LENDER

Make Working EDITOR IN CHIEF Adi Ignatius
from Home Work
for Everyone EDITOR, HBR CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Amy Bernstein John Korpics
Whether you’re new to remote work or you’re
a seasoned pro, you’ve likely experienced EDITOR, HBR.ORG EXECUTIVE EDITORS
the benefits and the challenges of getting Maureen Hoch Sarah Cliffe
things done away from the office. The You at Daniel McGinn
Work: Doing Your Best Work Remotely article EDITORIAL DIRECTOR, Sarah Moughty
collection provides best practices and tips on: HBR PRESS Ania G. Wieckowski
• Collaborating effectively with remote teams Melinda Merino
• Maintaining focus while working from home
• Managing remote direct reports EDITORIAL
• Running effective virtual meetings,
SENIOR EDITORS Laura Amico, Alison Beard,
and much more. Scott Berinato, David Champion Paris, Paige Cohen,
Gretchen Gavett, Eben Harrell, Jeff Kehoe, Scott LaPierre,
YOU AT WORK: DOING YOUR BEST WORK REMOTELY Toby Lester, Amy Meeker, Gardiner Morse, Curt Nickisch,
PRODUCT #BPWRKR Steven Prokesch, Vasundhara Sawhney, Thomas Stackpole,
Erica Truxler
AVAILABLE EXCLUSIVELY AT:
MANAGING EDITOR, HBR PRESS Allison Peter
store.hbr.org
SENIOR ASSOCIATE EDITORS Courtney Cashman,
Kevin Evers, Susan Francis, Dave Lievens

ASSOCIATE EDITOR Emma Waldman

ARTICLES EDITORS Christina Bortz, Susan Donovan,
Martha Lee Spaulding

AUDIENCE ENGAGEMENT EDITOR Kelsey Gripenstraw

SENIOR AUDIO PRODUCER Anne Noyes Saini

MULTIMEDIA PRODUCER Andy Robinson

ASSISTANT EDITORS Ramsey Khabbaz,
Rakshitha Ravishankar

EDITORIAL COORDINATORS Dagny Dukach, Alicyn Zall

STAFF ASSISTANT Christine C. Jack

CONTRIBUTING EDITORS Karen Dillon, Amy Gallo,
Jane Heifetz, John Landry, Andrew O’Connell,
Anand P. Raman, Dana Rousmaniere

CONTRIBUTING STAFF Kathryn K. Dahl, Sarabeth Fields,
Kelly Messier, JM Olejarz, Amy Mace Stackhouse,
Debbie White

DESIGN

DESIGN DIRECTORS Stephani Finks HBR Press,
Susannah Haesche HBR, Marta Kusztra Product & UX

ASSOCIATE DESIGN DIRECTOR Karen Player Multimedia

SENIOR GRAPHICS EDITOR Macaulay Campbell

SENIOR DESIGNERS Emily Caulfield HBR,
Laura Guillen Product, Ryan Walter UX

PHOTO EDITOR Sasha Patkin

DESIGNERS Riko Cribbs Multimedia, Josephine Massey UX

CONTRIBUTING DESIGNERS Aaron Atencio, Kristen Nathan

PRODUCTION

EDITORIAL PRODUCTION DIRECTOR Dana Lissy

SENIOR PRODUCTION EDITORS Jennifer Waring,
Christine Wilder

PRODUCTION EDITORS Victoria Desmond, Jodi Fisher,
Anne Starr

SENIOR PRODUCTION SPECIALIST Robert Eckhardt

PRODUCTION SPECIALIST Alexie Rodriguez

CONTRIBUTING STAFF Colin Howarth,
Kristin Murphy Romano

EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD
Bharat Anand, Azeem Azhar, John Battelle,
Marcus Buckingham, Nicco Mele, Vivek Shah

EDITORIAL OFFICES
60 Harvard Way, Boston, MA 02163
617-783-7410 | fax 617-783-7493
HBR.org

WINTER 2020
HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW SPECIAL ISSUE
ISSN 2689-5447
Printed in the U.S.A.

Copyright 2020 Harvard Business School Publishing Corporation.
All rights reserved.

GROUP PUBLISHER Sarah McConville

VICE PRESIDENT, GLOBAL MANAGING DIRECTOR, VICE PRESIDENT, NATIONAL SENIOR DIRECTOR, “Read cover
ADVERTISING SALES DIGITAL PRODUCT ADVERTISING & MARKETING TECHNOLOGY to cover.
Gail Day STRATEGY Craig Catalano Kevin Newman Superb.”
Jim Bodor
Tom Peters
ADVERTISING WORLDWIDE ADVERTISING OFFICES Author, In Search of Excellence;
MANAGING DIRECTOR, ANALYTIC SERVICES  Alex Clemente NEW YORK Thinkers50 Hall of Fame
DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL SPONSORSHIPS Daniel Cohen 3 Columbus Circle, Suite 2210
SENIOR EDITOR, RESEARCH & SPECIAL PROJECTS Todd Pruzan New York, NY 10019 +
MANAGING EDITOR, ANALYTIC SERVICES Anthony Baldo 212-872-9280 | fax 212-956-0933
SENIOR RESEARCHER, ANALYTIC SERVICES Cynthia Talkov Boyd Maria A. Beacom Senior Account Manager; Free
WRITER/EDITOR, ANALYTIC SERVICES Danielle Warren Director, North American Research Gift
DIRECTOR, MARKETING Yasir Salem Michael Valecce New England & NY Luxury
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR, MARKETING Samantha Barry Account Manager Filled with thought-
MARKETING MANAGERS Mary Callaghan, Jenna Henderson provoking ideas and
ASSISTANT MARKETING MANAGER Alexandra Shore CHICAGO insights from leading
CONTRIBUTING CONSULTANT MaryAlice Holmes 847-466-1525 | fax 847-466-1101 global academics
James A. Mack and management
MARKETING & COMMUNICATIONS Central U.S. Sales Director practitioners. Published
DIRECTOR, CONSUMER MARKETING  Nini Diana by Canada’s leading
DIRECTOR, COMMUNICATIONS Amy Poftak MIDWEST & SOUTHEAST business school.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR, E-COMMERCE Carol Concannon 312-867-3862 | cell 312-401-2277 Subscribe today and
SENIOR MANAGER, CONSUMER MARKETING Corrine Callahan Samuel K. White receive our mini issue
SENIOR MANAGER, ACQUISITION Josh Getman Midwest & Southeast Sales Director on creativity FREE!
SENIOR MANAGER, CUSTOMER RETENTION & LOYALTY Caty Trio
LONDON Just $49.95 cad/year
PRODUCT MANAGEMENT 44-0-7890-608-707
DIRECTOR, PRODUCT MANAGEMENT Emily Ryan Alexander Bart Available in print or digital
PRODUCT MANAGER, AUDIO & VIDEO Adam Buchholz Associate Director, Ad Sales
PRODUCT MANAGERS  Gracie Van Adzin, Stephen Wong 44-0-7538-236-722 www.rotman.utoronto.ca/hbr
SENIOR AGILE PROJECT MANAGER Don Doucette Jack Elia Sales Account Manager
SENIOR TECHNICAL PRODUCT MANAGER Frederic Lalande
LOS ANGELES 310-546-3757
BUSINESS & CUSTOMER ANALYTICS SAN FRANCISCO 415-986-7762
SENIOR DIRECTOR, BUSINESS ANALYTICS & INSIGHTS Jessica Avery FRANCE 33-01-4643-0066
DIRECTOR, CUSTOMER ANALYTICS & INSIGHTS Carrie Bourke HONG KONG 852-237-52311
MANAGER, EMAIL OPERATIONS & ANALYTICS CherryAnn Goodridge INDIA 212-872-9291
SENIOR CUSTOMER & MARKETING ANALYST Ellen Bonaccorsi JAPAN 81-03-3541-4166
SENIOR EXPERIMENTATION & ANALYTICS RESEARCHER Abigail Dawson KOREA 82-2-730-8004
EXPERIMENTATION & ANALYTICS RESEARCHER Amanda Ludden SHANGHAI 86-138-1643-7421
SENIOR EMAIL MARKETING PRODUCTION SPECIALIST Frances Lee SOUTH AMERICA 55-11-98160-0177
EMAIL MARKETING COORDINATOR Milo Goodman UAE 971-4-228-7708
UNITED KINGDOM 44-20-7291-9129
FINANCE & OPERATIONS
SENIOR DIRECTOR, FINANCE & OPERATIONS Greg St. Pierre For all other inquiries, please
SENIOR DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL STRATEGY Kate Griffin call 212-872-9280 or visit
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR, OPERATIONS & CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE Greg Daly HBR.org/hbr-advertising-sales.
CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE MANAGER Danielle Weber
FINANCIAL ANALYST Joel Trudel SUBSCRIPTION SERVICES
DATA INTEGRITY & OPERATIONS SPECIALIST Edward D. Domina IV UNITED STATES & CANADA
800-274-3214
HBR PRESS Harvard Business Review
COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR, ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER Erika Heilman P.O. Box 37457; Boone, IA 50037-0457
DIRECTOR, MARKETING & COMMUNICATIONS Julie Devoll HBR.org/subscriberservices
LICENSING & INTERNATIONAL SALES DIRECTOR Jon Shipley
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR, MEDIA & COMMUNICATIONS Sally Ashworth ALL OTHER COUNTRIES
MANUFACTURING MANAGER Rick Emanuel Asia Pacific region: 61-2-9158-6127
PUBLICITY & COMMUNICATIONS MANAGER Felicia Sinusas All other regions: 44-1858-438412
SENIOR SALES OPERATIONS MANAGER Brian Galvin Harvard Business Review
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER, DIRECT SALES Lindsey Dietrich Tower House, Lathkill Street
MARKETING AND COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST Alexandra Kephart Market Harborough LE16 9EF
United Kingdom
TECHNOLOGY www.subscription.co.uk/hbr/help
TECHNICAL ARCHITECT Stepan Sokolov
SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER Matt Wagner RATES PER YEAR
SENIOR RELEASE ENGINEER Matthew Han United States $119 | Canada US$139
SENIOR APPLICATION DEVELOPER Rollin Crittendon International US$165 | Mexico US$139

A NOTE TO READERS LIBRARY ACCESS SUBMISSIONS
The views expressed in articles are Libraries offer online access to current and We encourage prospective authors
the authors’ and not necessarily those back issues of Harvard Business Review to follow HBR’s “Guidelines for Authors”
of Harvard Business Review, Harvard through EBSCO host databases. before submitting manuscripts.
Business School, or Harvard University.
Authors may have consulting or other ARTICLE REPRINTS To obtain a copy, please visit HBR.org;
business relationships with the companies To purchase reprints of Harvard Business write to: The Editor, Harvard Business
they discuss. Review articles, go to HBR.org. Review, 60 Harvard Way, Boston, MA
02163; or email [email protected].

Unsolicited manuscripts will be returned
only if accompanied by a self-addressed
stamped envelope.

IDENTIFY YOUR
PRIORITIES

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER–OCTOBER 2017

Happiness Traps:
How We Sabotage
Ourselves at Work

→ by ANNIE McKEE

L I F E I S T O O S H O RT to be unhappy at used to be, but she still worked as hard
work. Yet many professionals who are as ever: Striving was a habit.
free to shape their careers are just that:
disengaged, unfulfilled, and misera- Sharon blamed others for her dis-
ble. Take “Sharon,” a vice president enchantment. She believed that the
at a global energy firm and one of my executive team was disconnected from
consulting clients. She’s smart and hard- the day-to-day business. She complained
working and has risen through the ranks to friends and coworkers about man-
by following the rules. She makes a lot agement’s bad decisions, the compa-
of money, is married to a man she loves, ny’s strategy, and what she perceived
and is devoted to her children. She had as a lack of vision on the part of senior
everything she thought she wanted, but leadership. All the members of her team
she wasn’t happy. Things were tense at seemed to be slacking.
home, and work no longer gratified her.
She was tired of workplace politics and After coaching Sharon for several
cynical about the never-ending changes months, I grew to like her. But even I
that would supposedly fix whatever was found her complaints tedious. I can only
wrong with the company in a given quar- imagine what her coworkers thought.
ter. She resented the long hours she was When we finally got past why everyone
required to put in. That next promotion else was to blame for her dissatisfaction,
and bonus weren’t as enticing as they she said, “I know I could probably make
things better. I’m just so busy. Besides,
it doesn’t matter whether I’m happy

10 HBR Special Issue  Illustration by CALVIN SPRAGUE
Winter 2020

11HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR PRIORITIES
HAPPINESS TRAPS

or not. What matters is that I hit my The Ambition Trap strategy shifted, project goals changed,
targets.” In her more reflective moments, and the client’s standards were raised,
Sharon admitted that her stress and The drive to achieve goals and further although funding remained flat. Sharon
unhappiness were affecting her work our careers pushes us to be and do our repeatedly heard the client’s requests as
relationships, her family, and her health. best. But when ambition is coupled unreasonable demands and responded
She even noticed that she had begun to with hypercompetitiveness and a as she often had—by turning the situ-
compromise her ethics in small ways. single-minded focus on winning, we get ation into a win-lose competition. She
What she didn’t see was the link between into trouble. We become blind to the began to cut corners, demanded that
her growing misery and her dwindling impact of our actions on ourselves and her division be paid excessive amounts
ability to do her job effectively. others; relationships are damaged and of money for the work it was doing, and
collaboration suffers; we start chasing even told a falsehood or two to get what
Sharon is not alone. For years we’ve goals for the sake of hitting targets; and she wanted.
heard about dismal levels of employee work begins to lose its meaning.
engagement. Numerous studies show Sharon’s boss, who had protected
that close to two-thirds of employees in That’s exactly what happened to her for years, finally had to admit the
the United States are bored, detached, Sharon. Throughout her life, her par- obvious: She had become a liability.
or jaded and ready to sabotage plans, ents, teachers, and coaches encouraged He removed her from the project and
projects, and other people. This makes her striving, and she attained a lot. She sidelined her. Her career stalled. Being
no sense to me. Why do so many of us got good grades, top spots on sports forced off the fast track was a wake-up
accept unsatisfying work, high levels teams, and academic awards. When call, and Sharon came to see that she
of stress, looming burnout, and chronic she started working, her ambition im- had been lonely and deeply unhappy at
unhappiness? Why don’t we fight back? pressed her bosses: She gave them what work for a very long time. Her ambition
they wanted on time and well done. had turned into a trap instead of an
Multiple factors account for this asset. Her ruthlessness was a learned
contemporary malaise. The American Her peers weren’t quite as enthralled, behavior rather than an inherent qual-
Psychological Association found early however, and some steered clear as they ity: Success early on had reinforced a
in 2017 that Americans are reporting realized that Sharon always wanted to winner-take-all attitude that ultimately
more stress than ever owing to politics, be number one. To her, that meant derailed her both professionally and
the speed of change, and uncertainty everyone else had to be number two. personally.
in the world. But it’s not always outside Team goals were not a priority unless they
forces that push us over the happiness served her purpose, and she got a reputa- The “Should” Trap
line. Sometimes we do it to ourselves. tion for throwing people under the bus.
Throughout my 30-year career advising Doing what we think we should do rather
leaders of major businesses, govern- Nothing is inherently wrong with than what we want to do is a trap that all
ments, and NGOs around the globe, ambition, of course. Sometimes it leads of us risk falling into at some point in our
I’ve discovered that far too many of us people to hone social skills; after all, ef- work lives. True, some of the unwritten
fall into common “happiness traps”— fective collaboration is a prerequisite for rules that shape our careers are positive,
destructive mindsets and ways of long-term success in complex organiza- such as completing an education so that
working that keep us stuck, unhappy, tions. But Sharon’s unfettered ambition we can help our families and observing
and ultimately less successful. Three was focused solely on her own goals, and punctuality and civility at work. But too
of the most common happiness traps— peers soon stopped trusting her. They many of our workplace norms—what I
ambition, doing what’s expected of us, also stopped helping her. call shoulds—force us to deny who we
and working too hard—seem productive are and to make choices that hinder our
on the surface but are harmful when Sharon’s workplace challenges came potential and stifle our dreams.
taken to the extreme. to a head while she was managing a
highly visible project, serving as the
interface between her division and a
powerful internal client. The company’s

12 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

Ambition pushes us to be and do our best.
But when coupled with a single-minded focus on winning,
it gets us into trouble.

To be successful in most companies, burned out—because they feel they Idea in Brief
people have to obey shoulds about how should be strong all the time.
to dress, how to talk, whom to associ- THE CONUNDRUM
ate with, and sometimes even how to Shoulds don’t just affect how we
have a life outside work. I’ve worked project ourselves at work. They often Why are so many of us who can
in organizations where a candidate’s dictate what kind of job and career we shape our professional lives
scuffed shoes kill his chances of getting aspire to. Take another of my coaching unhappy at work? And what can
the job and where women must wear clients, “Marcus.” During his junior we do about it?
makeup and have certain (usually short) and senior years of college, Marcus was
hairstyles. I’ve also been in companies involved with a couple of start-ups, and THE TRAPS
where it’s impossible for men to rise to he relished the experience. He secretly
leadership roles unless they are mar- hoped to continue on the entrepreneur- We often fall into destructive
ried—to women. And at the Fortune 500 ship track, but as graduation loomed, he mindsets and ways of working
only 4% of senior leaders are female, found himself wavering. When he got an that make us unsatisfied and
and fewer than 1% are people of color. offer from a prestigious consultancy, he ultimately less successful. Some
These shocking statistics tell a tale of took the job. Six months in he realized of the most common of these
who “should” lead and who “should” that he hated it, but with parents still “happiness traps”—ambition
follow. bragging about his big job and salary (win at all costs); doing what’s
and envious friends asking him to expected rather than what we
Such unspoken norms are not only get them into the company, he felt he want; and overwork—seem
unfounded (gender, race, and marital couldn’t quit. productive on the surface but
status have no correlation with leader- are harmful when taken to the
ship ability); they also take a personal At 42 Marcus was made a partner in extreme.
toll when we feel we must hide who the firm. He’d followed all the rules and,
we are or pretend to be someone we’re on the surface, was a true winner. But THE PATH FORWARD
not. Kenji Yoshino and Christie Smith that’s the problem: His career felt like
showed in a Deloitte-sponsored study a game. He saw a disconnect between Finding happiness at work
of more than 3,000 workers that 61% of the firm’s mission and what it really did, begins with honing your
people feel they have to “cover” in some yet he went along. He recognized that emotional intelligence to grasp
way to fit in at work: They either actively how he was expected to treat people— which trap has ensnared you.
hide or downplay their gender, race, sex- especially junior people—was dehuman- Then you can foster three things
ual orientation, religion, or other aspects izing, yet he did it. that are known to increase
of their identities, personalities, or lives. professional satisfaction:
Marcus didn’t like consulting and had meaningful work, enduring hope,
At some companies women don’t spent much of his career hiding who he and workplace friendships.
talk about their children to avoid really is: a gay man married to a union
the “motherhood penalty.” African- carpenter. He had never disclosed details Avoiding the should trap isn’t about
Americans often avoid one another so as about his personal life at work because completely ignoring the rules, of course.
not to be seen as part of a marginalized it was clear that those who succeeded Absolute nonconformity and cultural
group. Even 45% of white men report at his company were straight, and as far deviance would challenge even the most
covering things that set them apart, such as he knew, no other spouses worked inclusive organization. Instead, we need
as depression or a child who struggles with their hands. Living in hiding makes to recognize which rules end up being
at school. I have known many who hide anyone unhappy. And it drags down pro-
anything that makes them look weak or fessional performance as commitment
vulnerable—difficulties at home, feeling wanes and displeasure with work and
colleagues eventually becomes obvious.

13HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

Overwork sucks us into a negative spiral, causing our
brains to slow down and compromising our emotional intelligence.

harmful. Self-suppression and diligent weeks—presumably because they think and the calls at night, his spouse gave
conformity don’t bring out our most orig- excessive hours impress their bosses. him an ultimatum: “This has to stop,”
inal, creative contributions at work; nor What’s more, obsession with work can he said. “I won’t go on like this.” That
do they lead to workplace happiness, a stem from our inner demons: It feeds on hit Marcus hard, and it came at a telling
key ingredient of sustained professional our insecurities, assuages our guilt when moment. The week before, his boss had
success. In this case the shoulds that we see others overwork, or helps us pointed out some serious problems in
directed his professional choices caused escape personal troubles. Many over- one of his projects. She told him that
Marcus to take the wrong job and hide workers believe that working more will everyone was worried about him—his
his personal life. The rules he thought he alleviate stress: If they just finish that switch was always “on,” and it was obvi-
must obey became soul destroying and project, get that report done, read all that ous that he was burning out. She’d even
ultimately dragged down his career. e-mail, they’ll feel less out of control. But said the same thing his spouse did: “This
of course the work never ends. has to stop.”
The Overwork Trap
That happened to Marcus. He would Marcus struggled to admit he had a
Some of us react to the very real pres- come home in the evenings—usually later problem. Overwork disguised as dili-
sures of the “always on” 21st-century than he had promised—and spend time gence was part of his identity—and, as is
workplace by spending every waking in the kitchen talking with his spouse true for many of us, it seemed more im-
moment working or thinking about and asking the kids about their day. All portant as his career progressed and the
work. We don’t have time for friends, the while, his phone was sitting on the pace of change increased. Flatter, leaner
exercise, healthful food, or sleep. We counter. Two minutes into the conversa- companies and ultracompetitive markets
don’t play with our children or even tion he’d pick it up. He thought his family force us to do more with less. As tech-
listen to them. We don’t stay home when didn’t care, but naturally they were nology has advanced, we are performing
we’re sick. We don’t take the time to get hurt. Over the years, his spouse tried to tasks that others used to do—or do for
to know people at work or put our- talk about Marcus’s preoccupation with us. For the many of us who work across
selves in their shoes before we jump to work. At first Marcus would explode: time zones, early-morning and late-night
conclusions. “I have to do this! What do you want me conference calls are now routine. And
to do, quit?” Eventually he’d be contrite that little device we carry everywhere is
Overwork sucks us into a negative and promise to change. But after a short a demanding master. Work is literally in
spiral: More work causes more stress; remission, his addiction would return. our pockets—or on our nightstands.
increased stress causes our brains to
slow down and compromises our emo- Marcus started sleeping less—in part Whether you’ve fallen into the
tional intelligence; less creativity and because of late-night and early-morning “shoulds” and the overwork traps,
poor people skills harm our ability to calls, and in part from stress. He didn’t as Marcus did, or the ambition trap, as
get things done. As the title of a recent eat well, and he found himself drinking Sharon did, the question is, How can you
Harvard Business Review article nicely too much. At work he was a grumpy, get out? The good news is that some of the
summarized, “The Research Is Clear: distracted boss. He began making mis- same leadership skills and mindsets that
Long Hours Backfire for People and for takes—missing deadlines, forgetting to make you effective at work can help you
Companies.” respond to critical e-mails. He couldn’t escape and rediscover happiness there.
live up to his own or others’ expecta-
Overwork is seductive, because it tions, which bothered him tremen- Breaking Free
is still lauded in so many workplaces. dously. So he just tried harder.
Boston University’s Erin Reid found, in The first step is to accept that you
fact, that some people (men in partic- Like Sharon, Marcus finally got a deserve happiness at work. That means
ular) lie about how many hours they wake-up call. His came at home. One giving up the misbelief that work is
work. They claim to put in 80-plus-hour evening, during their never-ending not meant to be a primary source of
argument about the phone, the e-mails,

14 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR PRIORITIES
HAPPINESS TRAPS

fulfillment. For centuries it was simply Emotional self-awareness is the The Emotional
a means of staving off hunger. To be capacity to notice and understand your Intelligence
sure, many people still struggle with low feelings and moods and to recognize Competencies
wages and horrible working conditions, how they affect your thoughts and
and for them, work may equal drudg- actions. You might realize, for exam- Self-awareness
ery. But research has shown that even ple, that the discomfort you feel when Emotional self-awareness
menial jobs can provide fulfillment. you buck a work “should”—such as
What’s surprising is that successful replying to e-mail at 8 PM or during the Social Awareness
executives—today’s knowledge workers weekend—signals that you’re afraid Empathy
and creatives—sometimes don’t find true of being excluded. Going a bit deeper, Organizational awareness
meaning in their work. Instead they buy you might see that this fear has little or
into the myth that it’s a grind. nothing to do with your current work Self-management
situation; it may simply be an old habit Positive outlook
Work can be a source of real happi- of mind that no longer serves you. Achievement orientation
ness, which I define as a deep and abiding Adaptability
enjoyment of daily activities fueled Awareness is a good start, but then Emotional self-control
by passion for a meaningful purpose, you need to act. This is where emotional
a hopeful view of the future, and true self-control comes in: It enables you Relationship Management
friendships. To embrace these three to tolerate the discomfort that arises Inspirational leadership
components of happiness, we must first when you understand what you are Teamwork
delve into the very personal drivers and doing to yourself. For instance, if you Coach and mentor
habits that keep us from fostering them. know that you check your e-mail at night Influence
Why do we work all the time? Do our out of insecurity, you’re not going to feel Conflict management
ambition and desire to win serve us or particularly good about yourself. But
hurt us? Why are we trapped by what we if you push that feeling aside, you will Source: Becoming a Resonant Leader, by Annie
feel we should do and not pursuing what remain stuck. Self-control also enables McKee, Richard Boyatzis, and Frances Johnston
we want to do? To answer these ques- us to take actions that may fall outside (Harvard Business Press, 2008)
tions, we need to tap into our emotional our comfort zone.
intelligence. that pulling back from overworking could
Finally, organizational awareness— change the dynamics and expectations
Moving from Trapped an understanding of your work envi- of your team, creating a virtuous micro-
to Happy ronment—can help you distinguish culture within the larger organization.
between what is coming from inside you
Over the past several decades, psychol- and what’s coming from others or your Purpose, Hope, and
ogists and researchers, myself included, company. Say, for example, that you’re Friendship
have come to agree that there are 12 emo- aware that your colleagues are reading
tional intelligence competencies (see the and sending e-mails at all hours and that Using emotional intelligence to remove
sidebar above), all of which can help you your overwork comes from pressure to barriers to happiness is a first step on
avoid or break free from the happiness conform—not necessarily from insecurity. the journey to greater fulfillment at
traps. I believe that three—emotional Now you see that you have a choice to work. But happiness doesn’t happen
self-awareness, emotional self-control, make: You can bravely decide to buck the magically—we must actively seek
and organizational awareness—are norms and quit overworking, or you can meaning and purpose in our day-to-day
particularly useful when casting off continue to behave in a way that conflicts activities, foster hope in ourselves and
an outdated mindset. with your values (and harms your health others, and build friendships at work.
and family life). You might even recognize

15HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

Happiness doesn’t happen magically—we must actively
seek meaning and purpose in our day-to-day activities.

Breaking Free from as worthwhile enable us to be smarter, how to spend your time and what to pur-
Happiness Traps more innovative, and more adaptable. sue in your career. Marcus decided to be-
For example, Duke psychology professor gin seriously exploring that business he’d
Three common traps—ambition, “shoulds,” Dan Ariely and colleagues conducted a always dreamed of having. He looked
and overwork—keep people from being study in which participants were paid at finances and at how to leverage his
happy and fulfilled in their careers. to build Lego models, some of which relationships at his current firm and with
Courageously looking at the ones you’ve were dismantled in front of them upon clients. He and his spouse considered the
fallen into is the beginning of taking control. completion. People whose creations lifestyle changes that launching a busi-
Start by asking yourself these questions: were preserved made, on average, 50% ness would require. In the end, he created
more Lego models than those whose a bridge: He worked as an associate at his
1. Which happiness traps keep me in my models were destroyed, despite identical firm part-time for two years while seeking
comfort zone or make me feel safe? monetary incentives. We give more of funding and starting his new business.
ourselves when we have an impact—
2. Which traps keep me from pursuing my even if it’s a small one. Hope. If you’ve ever faced adversity,
dreams for a better job, a great career,
or real fulfillment in the job I have now? Management scholars have shown a crisis, or a loss, you know that hope is
that the same holds true on the job: what got you through. It makes us want
3. Which traps do I keep others in? Purpose is a powerful driver of work- to get up every day and keep trying,
place happiness. Yet too often we fail to even when life is tough. Hope makes
Next choose the happiness trap that most tap this wellspring of motivation. As was it possible to navigate complexity;
affects you. true for Sharon and Marcus, it’s easy to handle stress, fear, and frustration; and
lose sight of what we value and ignore understand hectic organizations and
1. How does it help or hurt you? the aspects of work that matter to us, lives. That’s in part because hope, like
2. How does it affect your relationships? especially if we struggle with dysfunc- purpose, positively affects our brain
tional organizations, bad bosses, and chemistry. Research has shown that
Other people may benefit (or think they stress. And if that happens, disengage- when we feel optimistic, our nervous
do) when we are trapped, or they may be ment is just around the corner. In the system shifts from fight-or-flight to calm
hurt. Who in your life benefits from the absence of meaning, we have no reason and poised to act. For example, one
trap you’re in? Who is harmed? to give our all. study demonstrated that when individ-
3. Imagine a life without this happiness trap. uals are coached in a way that sparks
What would it feel like? What would you Each of us finds meaning and purpose positive feelings and an inspiring vision
do? How would others benefit if you were in work differently, but in my experience of the future, areas of the brain associ-
free from it? To bring this to life, write with people from all over the globe and ated with the parasympathetic nervous
three paragraphs as if you were already in all professions, I’ve seen some similar- system are activated: Breathing slows,
in the future, starting with “It is now ities: We want to fight for a cause we care blood pressure drops, and the immune
three years since I broke free. I feel… about. We want to create and innovate. system functions better. We think more
I am now… The people in my life are…” We want to fix problems and improve rationally and are better able to manage
our workplaces. We want to learn and our emotions. We feel energized and
Meaning and purpose. Humans are grow. And, as studies have shown, mean- ready to plan for the future.
ingful work is as possible and important
wired to seek meaning in everything we for a janitor or a middle manager as it is That’s how Sharon moved from
do, whether we’re sitting in an office, for a CEO. awareness of why she was so focused on
hiking in the mountains, or eating dinner winning to creating a career that she was
with the family. Passion for a cause As you discover which aspects of your authentically excited about. Through
fuels energy, intelligence, and creativity. job are truly fulfilling—and which are soul conversations with her husband (who
Brain chemistry is in part responsible: destroying—you will face choices about had cautioned her for years about her
Researchers have shown that the posi-
tive emotions aroused by work we see

16 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR PRIORITIES
HAPPINESS TRAPS

unregulated ambition), she was able to generously of time, talent, and resources. ships are full of trust and generosity, a
craft a vision of what she wanted from Gallup found that close work relation- source of delight, and make work fun.
her work—one that relied not on getting ships boost employee satisfaction by 50%
the next promotion or winning some and that people with a best friend at work TOO MAN Y PEOPLE believe that if they’re
endless game but on the kind of life she are seven times as likely as others to en- successful, they’ll be happy. That’s
wanted to lead. gage fully in their work. Mutual respect backward. The author and psychologist
motivates us to resolve conflicts so that Shawn Achor says it straightforwardly:
Employers often use vision statements everyone wins. And when we believe “Happiness comes before success.”
to instill optimism and positivity in their that we will be accepted for who we are, That’s because the positive emotions
employees, but unfortunately even the that we have important roles to play, and aroused by being engaged, fulfilled,
most well-crafted ones are rarely com- that we’re part of a team, we are more and valued at work have a host of bene-
pelling enough to keep people hopeful committed to collective goals. fits: Our brains function better; we
over the long term. To be happy at work, are more creative and adaptable;
we must feel that our responsibilities and Warm, positive relationships are im- we have more energy, make smarter
opportunities fit a personal vision—one portant at work for very human reasons. decisions, and better manage complex-
that speaks to our values, desires, and be- Since the beginning of time, people ity. It’s simple: Happy people perform
liefs—and we must imagine pathways that have organized into tribes that labor and better than their unhappy peers.
lead to it. Hope is really about planning— play together. Today organizations are
it encourages us to chart a course even in our tribes. We want to work in a group It’s time to claim our right to happi-
the face of seemingly dire prospects; it or a company that makes us proud and ness at work. To start, let’s replace out-
encourages us to take concrete, practical inspires us to give our best efforts. dated beliefs with a new understanding
actions that are tied to how we want our of what we can expect from work—and
lives and careers to unfold. We also want people to care about us from one another. Let’s break free of
and value us as human beings. And we traps that keep us from happiness. And
I’ve met many people in my work who need to do the same for others. We thrive let’s begin the journey to fulfillment by
shy away from big dreams, fearing that physically and psychologically when we focusing on discovering and living our
they’ll only be disappointed. But I don’t feel compassion for others and see that purpose at work, reaching for a com-
believe there’s any such thing as false they are concerned for our well-being in pelling vision of the future, and turning
hope. Hope is not magical thinking or return. In fact, the Harvard Grant Study, colleagues into real friends. These things
fantasy; it’s a powerful, positive emo- among others, has found that love—yes, will help us create workplaces that
tional experience that leads to courage, love—is the single most important deter- honor our humanity and foster common
thoughtful plans, and concrete actions. minant of happiness in life. What’s more, decency and sustainable success, work-
people who experience love—including places in which ideas, needs, and desires
Friendship. If you work with people the love involved in friendships—are matter—as does happiness.
more successful, even financially. (The
you like and respect, and if they like study notes that during peak earning HBR Reprint R1705D
and respect you in return, you probably years, participants who scored highest
enjoy going to work. But if you’re in a job on “warm relationships” made an aver- Annie McKee is a senior fellow at the Uni-
where you feel constantly on guard, dis- age of $141,000 more a year.) versity of Pennsylvania Graduate School of
dained, or excluded, you’re probably on Education and the director of the PennCLO
your way to deep unhappiness—or there But love at work? Most people shy executive doctoral program. She is the
already. You may tell yourself that the away from the notion, leery of romance author of How to Be Happy at Work (Harvard
situation is tolerable or that you don’t in the workplace (although we know it Business Review Press, 2017) and a coauthor
need friends at work. That’s not true. occurs often). What we need at work, of Primal Leadership, Resonant Leadership,
however, is love founded on caring, and Becoming a Resonant Leader.
In fact, good relationships are the concern, and camaraderie. Such relation-
backbone of successful organizations.
People who care for one another give

17HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR
PRIORITIES

networks at work and at home, traveling
or relocating selectively, and collaborat-
ing with your partner.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED MARCH 2014 Defining Success
for Yourself
Manage Your
Work, Manage When you are leading a major project,
Your Life you determine early on what a win
should look like. The same principle
Zero in on what really matters. applies to leading a deliberate life: You
have to define what success means to
→ by BORIS GROYSBERG and ROBIN ABRAHAMS you—understanding, of course, that your
definition will evolve over time.
WO R K / L I F E BA L A N C E I S at best an elusive That’s how the 21st-century busi-
ideal and at worst a complete myth, ness leaders in our research said they Executives’ definitions of profes-
today’s senior executives will tell you. reconcile their professional and personal sional and personal success run a gamut
But by making deliberate choices about lives. In this article we draw on five from the tactical to the conceptual (see
which opportunities they’ll pursue and years’ worth of interviews with almost the exhibit “How Leaders Define Work/
which they’ll decline, rather than simply 4,000 executives worldwide, conducted Life ‘Wins’”). For one leader, it means
reacting to emergencies, leaders can and by students at Harvard Business School, being home at least four nights a week.
do engage meaningfully with work, fam- and a survey of 82 executives in an HBS For another, it means understanding
ily, and community. They’ve discovered leadership course. what’s going on in the lives of family
through hard experience that prospering members. For a third, it’s about having
in the senior ranks is a matter of care- Deliberate choices don’t guarantee emotional energy at both work and
fully combining work and home so as complete control. Life sometimes takes home.
not to lose themselves, their loved ones, over, whether it’s a parent’s dementia or
or their foothold on success. Those who a teenager’s car accident. But many of Some intriguing gender differences
do this most effectively involve their the executives we’ve studied—men and emerged in our survey data: In defin-
families in work decisions and activities. women alike—have sustained their mo- ing professional success, women place
They also vigilantly manage their own mentum during such challenges while more value than men do on individual
human capital, endeavoring to give both staying connected to their families. achievement, having passion for their
work and home their due—over a period Their stories and advice reflect five main work, receiving respect, and making a
of years, not weeks or days. themes: defining success for yourself, difference but place less value on organi-
managing technology, building support zational achievement and ongoing learn-
ing and development. A lower percent-
age of women than of men list financial
achievement as an aspect of personal or
professional success. Rewarding rela-
tionships are by far the most common el-
ement of personal success for both sexes,
but men list merely having a family as
an indicator of success, whereas women
describe what a good family life looks
like to them. Women are also more likely

18 HBR Special Issue  Illustration by MUTI/FOLIO ART
Winter 2020



IDENTIFY YOUR PRIORITIES
MANAGE YOUR WORK, MANAGE YOUR LIFE

How Leaders Define Work/Life “Wins” to mention the importance of friends
and community as well as family.
In their definitions of professional and personal success, executives highlight
these elements: The survey responses consisted of
short phrases and lists, but in the inter-
PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS MEANS... views executives often defined personal
success by telling a story or describing
0% 25 50 75 an ideal self or moment in time. Such
narratives and self-concepts serve as
Individual achievement WOMEN motivational goalposts, helping people
MEN prioritize activities and make sense of
conflicts and inconsistencies.
Making a difference
When work and family responsibil-
Working with a good team ities collide, for example, men may lay
in a good environment claim to the cultural narrative of the
good provider. Several male executives
Respect from others who admitted to spending inadequate
time with their families consider ab-
Passion for the work sence an acceptable price for providing
their children with opportunities they
Ongoing learning and themselves never had. One of these men,
development, challenges poor during his childhood, said that his
financial success both protects his chil-
Organizational achievement dren and validates his parents’ struggles.
Another even put a positive spin on the
Enjoying work on a daily basis breakup of his family: “Looking back,
I would have still made a similar decision
Financial success to focus on work, as I was able to provide
for my family and become a leader in my
PERSONAL SUCCESS MEANS... area, and these things were important to
me. Now I focus on my kids’ education…
0% 25 50 75 and spend a lot more time with them
Rewarding relationships (family, over weekends.”
community, “people I love”)
Even the men who pride themselves
Happiness, enjoyment on having achieved some degree of
balance between work and other realms
Work/life balance of their lives measure themselves
against a traditional male ideal. “The 10
A life of meaning/feeling no regrets minutes I give my kids at night is one
million times greater than spending that
Learning and developing (new 10 minutes at work,” one interviewee
experiences, personal growth) said. It’s difficult to imagine a woman
Financial success congratulating herself for spending 10
minutes a day with her children, but a

20 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

Idea in Brief

man may consider the same behavior work while your husband cooks and THE PROBLEM
exemplary. you drink a glass of red wine.” Though Senior executives in this
expressed as advice, this is clearly her generation feel they can’t
Indeed, women rarely view them- very personal, concrete image of what achieve “balance” through
selves as working for their families the success at home looks like. constant juggling, which
way men do. Men still think of their prevents them from engaging
family responsibilities in terms of bread- Managing Technology meaningfully either at work or
winning, whereas women often see at home.
theirs as role modeling for their children. Nearly all the interviewees talked about
Women emphasize (far more than men how critical it is to corral their e-mails, THE SOLUTION
do) how important it is for their kids— text messages, voice mails, and other They find that they’re more
particularly their daughters—to see them communications. Deciding when, focused—and effective—when
as competent professionals. One said, where, and how to be accessible for work they make deliberate choices
“I think that work is such a big part of is an ongoing challenge, particularly for about which opportunities to
who I am. I want my kids to understand executives with families. Many of them pursue in both realms.
what I do. I am a whole being.” cautioned against using communica-
tions technology to be in two places at THE OUTCOME
Many women said that the most diffi- once, insisting on the value of undivided Leaders who carefully manage
cult aspect of managing work and family attention. “When I’m at home, I really their own human capital in this
is contending with cultural expectations am at home,” said one. “I force myself way maintain a higher degree of
about mothering. One admitted that to not check my e-mail, take calls, satisfaction professionally and
she stopped working at home after her et cetera. I want to give my kids 100% personally.
daughter referred to the Bloomberg net- of my attention. But this also works the
work as “Mommy’s channel.” Another other way around, because when I’m at letting anyone around you do anything
commented, “When you are paid well, work I really want to focus on work. I be- without you.”
you can get all the [practical] help you lieve that mixing these spheres too much
need. What is the most difficult thing, leads to confusion and mistakes.” Strikingly, some people at the top are
though—what I see my women friends starting to use communications tech-
leave their careers for—is the real emo- That last point is a common concern: nology less often while they’re working.
tional guilt of not spending enough Always being plugged in can erode Several invoked the saying “You can’t
time with their children. The guilt of performance. One leader observed that raise a kid by phone”—and pointed out
missing out.” “certain cognitive processes happen that it’s not the best way to manage a
when you step away from the frenetic re- team, either. Often, if it’s logistically
Both men and women expressed sponding to e-mails.” (The history of sci- possible, you’re better off communicat-
versions of this guilt and associated ence, after all, is marked by insights that ing in person. How do you know when
personal success with not having regrets. occurred not in the laboratory but while that’s the case? One interviewee made an
They often cope by assigning special the scientist was engaged in a mundane important distinction between broad-
significance to a particular metric, such task—or even asleep.) Another executive casting information and exchanging
as never missing a Little League game or pointed out that 24-hour availability can and analyzing ideas: “Speaking [on the
checking in once a day no matter what. actually hamper initiative in an organiza- phone] is easy, but careful, thoughtful
“I just prioritize dinner with my family tion: “If you have weak people who must listening becomes very challenging. For
as if it was a 6 PM meeting with my most ask your advice all the time, you feel the most important conversations, I see
important client,” said one interviewee. important. But there is a difference be- a real trend moving back to face-to-face.
Another offered this suggestion: “Design tween being truly important and just not When you’re evaluating multibillion-
your house right—have a table in the dollar deals…you have to build a bridge
kitchen where your kids can do home- to the people.”

21HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

Many leaders believe in acquiring global
experience and racking up travel miles while they’re young
and unencumbered.

When it comes to technology in the One said, “We hire people to do the more Interviewees who favor integration said
home, more than a third of the surveyed tactical things—groceries, cooking, help- it’s a relief to be “the same person” in
executives view it as an invader, and ing the children dress—so that we can all contexts and natural to form friend-
about a quarter see it as a liberator. (The be there for the most important things.” ships at work, where they spend most
rest are neutral or have mixed feelings.) Even interviewees without children said of their time. Those who separate their
Some of them resent the smartphone’s they needed support at home when they work lives from their private lives have
infringement on family time: “When became responsible for aging parents or many reasons for doing so. Some seek
your phone buzzes,” one ruefully noted, suffered their own health problems. novelty and a counterbalance to work.
it’s difficult to “keep your eyes on that “If all of your socializing centers around
soccer field.” Others appreciate the Emotional support is equally es- your work life, you tend to experience an
flexibility that technology affords them: sential. Like anyone else, executives ever-decreasing circle of influence and
“I will probably leave here around 4 PM occasionally need to vent when they’re ideas,” one pointed out. Others want to
to wrangle my kids,” said one participant, dealing with something crazy or irritat- protect their personal relationships from
“but I will be back and locked into my ing at work, and friends and family are a the churn of the workplace.
network and e-mails by 8 PM.” Another safer audience than colleagues. Some-
participant reported, “Sometimes my times leaders also turn to their personal Many women keep their networks
kids give me a hard time about being on networks for a fresh perspective on a separate for fear of harming their image.
my BlackBerry at the dinner table, but problem or a decision, because members Some never mention their families at
I tell them that my BlackBerry is what of their teams don’t always have the work because they don’t want to appear
enables me to be home with them.” distance to be objective. unprofessional. A few female executives
won’t discuss their careers—or even
Both camps—those who hate being Support at work matters too. Trusted mention that they have jobs—in conver-
plugged in and those who love it—ac- colleagues serve as valuable sounding sations outside work. But again, not all
knowledged that executives must learn boards. And many leaders reported that women reported such conflict between
to manage communications technology health crises—their own or family mem- their professional and personal “selves,”
wisely. Overall, they view it as a good bers’—might have derailed their careers and several suggested that the tide is
servant but a bad master. Their advice if not for compassionate bosses and turning. One pointed out, “The more
in this area is quite consistent: Make coworkers. The unexpected can waylay women have come into the workplace,
yourself available but not too available to even the most carefully planned career. the more I talk about my children.”
your team; be honest with yourself about
how much you can multitask; build re- “When you’re young, you think you Traveling or Relocating
lationships and trust through face time; can control everything,” one interviewee Selectively
and keep your inbox under control. said, “but you can’t.” Executives told
stories about heart attacks, cancer, Discussions about work/life balance
Building Support Networks and parents in need of care. One talked usually focus on managing time. But it’s
about a psychotic reaction to medica- also critical to manage your location—
Across the board, senior executives tion. In those situations, mentors and and, more broadly, your role in the global
insisted that managing family and pro- team members helped leaders weather economy. When leaders decide whether
fessional life requires a strong network difficult times and eventually return to to travel or relocate (internationally or
of behind-the-scenes supporters. Absent business as usual. domestically), their home lives play a
a primary caregiver who stays at home, huge part. That’s why many of them
they see paid help or assistance from ex- What about mixing personal and believe in acquiring global experience
tended family as a necessity. The women professional networks, since executives and racking up travel miles while they’re
in our sample are adamant about this. must draw on both anyway? That’s up young and unencumbered. Of those
for discussion. The men we surveyed
tend to prefer separate networks, and
the women are pretty evenly split.

22 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR PRIORITIES
MANAGE YOUR WORK, MANAGE YOUR LIFE

surveyed, 32% said they had turned What Partners Contribute
down an international assignment be-
cause they did not want to relocate their Executives say that their partners and spouses share their vision of success,
families, and 28% said they had done so bring complementary skills, and provide the following types of support:
to protect their marriages.
0% 25 50 75
Several executives told stories about
getting sidetracked or derailed in their Emotional support WOMEN
careers because a partner or spouse MEN
needed to relocate. Of course, travel
becomes even trickier with children. Accepting career demands
Many women reported cutting back on
business trips after having children, Practical help (with child raising,
and several executives of both sexes housekeeping, and so on)
said they had refused to relocate when
their children were adolescents. “When Career or business advice
children are very young, they are more
mobile,” one explained. “But once they Willingness to relocate
are 12 or 13, they want to be in one place.”
Though women in particular have you do.” Some executives even question
Female executives are less likely than such difficulties, international assign- the future of globe-hopping, noting that
men to be offered or accept interna- ments are not easy for anyone, and they carbon costs, fuel costs, and security con-
tional assignments, in part because of may simply not be worth it for many cerns may tighten future travel budgets.
family responsibilities but also because executives. Members of both sexes have
of the restrictive gender roles in certain built gratifying careers while grounding Collaborating with
cultures or perceptions that they are un- themselves in a particular country or Your Partner
willing to relocate. Our survey results— even city. However, if travel is undesir-
from a well-traveled sample—jibe with able, ambitious young executives should Managing yourself, technology, net-
student interviewers’ qualitative find- decide so early on. That way they can works, travel—it’s a tall order. Leaders
ings. Almost none of the men surveyed avoid getting trapped in an industry with strong family lives spoke again
(less than 1%, compared with 13% of the that doesn’t mesh with their geographic and again of needing a shared vision of
women) had turned down an interna- preferences and give themselves time success for everyone at home—not just
tional assignment because of cultural to find ways other than travel to signal for themselves. Most of the executives
concerns. But for female executives, not open-mindedness, sophistication, skill in our sample have partners or spouses,
all travel is created equal: Gender norms, diversity, and willingness to go above and and common goals hold those couples
employment laws, health-care access, beyond. (Several executives noted that together. Their relationships offer both
and views on work/life balance vary international experience is often viewed partners opportunities—for uninter-
from country to country. One American as a sign of those personal attributes.) rupted (or less interrupted) work, for ad-
woman said it requires extra effort in “International experience can be help- venturous travel, for intensive parenting,
Europe to make sure she doesn’t “come ful,” one executive observed, “but it’s just for political or community impact—that
off as being intimidating,” a concern she as important to have had exposure across they might not otherwise have had.
attributes in part to being tall. Another the business lines. Both allow you to
woman said that in the Middle East understand that not everybody thinks as Leaders also emphasized the impor-
she has had to bring male colleagues to tance of complementary relationships.
meetings to prove her credibility.

23HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

Executives of both sexes consider the tension
between work and family to be primarily a women’s problem.

About the Research Many said how much they value their cocktail parties for clients. (Exceptions
partners’ emotional intelligence, task exist in some countries and industries.
Since 2008 more than 600 students in focus, big-picture thinking, detail One male executive who works in oil
Harvard Business School’s second-year orientation—in short, whatever cognitive fields said, “When you are living and
Managing Human Capital course have or behavioral skills balance out their working in those camp environments,
interviewed 3,850 C-suite executives and own tendencies. And many of those we it is indispensable to have your wife talk
leaders (of whom 655 were CEOs, presidents, surveyed consider emotional support with other spouses.”) Men frequently
or board members) at companies and non- the biggest contribution their partners noted that their partners won’t allow
profits around the world. have made to their careers. Both men them to neglect their families, health,
and women often mentioned that their or social lives. For example: “My wife is
The goal? To gain greater insight into partners believe in them or have urged militant about family dinner, and I am
how today’s top leaders make choices in them to take business risks or pursue job home every night for dinner even if
their professional and personal lives. This opportunities that were not immediately I have to work afterward.”
project has been a true partnership between rewarding but led to longer-term satis-
the students and the executives. Everyone faction. They also look to their partners Women, by contrast, slightly more
involved wanted to deeply explore what to be sounding boards and honest critics. often mentioned their partners’ willing-
it means for leaders to manage their human One executive said that her partner asks ness to free them from traditional roles
capital in the 21st century—and more “probing questions to challenge my at home. One explained, in a typical
specifically, in the wake of the recent global thinking so I can be better prepared for comment, “He understands the de-
recession. an opposing viewpoint.” mands of my role and does not put pres-
sure on me when work takes more time
The executives were a diverse group (44% A partner’s support may come in than I would like.” In other words, male
female, 56% male) and represented a wide many forms, but what it almost always executives tend to praise their partners
range of industries, including finance, retail, boils down to is making sure the exec- for making positive contributions to their
energy, health care, and technology. They utive manages his or her own human careers, whereas women praise theirs for
came from 51 countries, and 45% of them had capital effectively. The pressures and de- not interfering.
worked in countries other than the United mands on executives are intense, multi-
States. directional, and unceasing. Partners When we look at the survey data, we
can help them keep their eyes on what see other striking differences between
The interviews were semistructured: As matters, budget their time and energy, the sexes. Fully 88% of the men are mar-
long as students related their questions to live healthfully, and make deliberate ried, compared with 70% of the women.
topics covered in Managing Human Capital, choices—sometimes tough ones—about And 60% of the men have spouses who
they were allowed considerable leeway in work, travel, household management, don’t work full-time outside the home,
what to ask and how far to go in following up and community involvement. compared with only 10% of the women.
on responses. That way they could dig into The men have an average of 2.22 chil-
the issues they found most compelling. Men, however, appear to be getting dren; the women, 1.67.
more spousal support overall. Male
To supplement the interviews, we surveyed interviewees—many of whom have What Tomorrow’s
82 senior executives who were attending a stay-at-home wives—often spoke of Leaders Think
2012 leadership course at HBS. We asked their spouses’ willingness to take care of
them about their experiences managing their children, tolerate long work hours, and The fact that the interviewees all agreed
careers and families. The sample consisted even relocate, sometimes as a way of life. to take time from their hectic schedules
of 58 men and 24 women from 33 countries But by and large, they no longer seem to to share their insights with students
in Africa, Europe, Asia, the Middle East, expect the classic 1950s “corporate wife,” might introduce a selection effect. Busy
and North and South America. Statistics in who hosted dinners for the boss and leaders who choose to help students
the article come from the survey data, and
quotations come from the field data.

24 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR PRIORITIES
MANAGE YOUR WORK, MANAGE YOUR LIFE

presumably value interpersonal rela- Executives of both sexes consider the fine? If that approach makes no sense in
tionships. Because they’re inclined to tension between work and family to be the boardroom or on the factory floor, it
reflect on work and life, they’re probably primarily a women’s problem, and the makes no sense in one’s personal life.
also making deliberate choices in both students find that discouraging. “Given
realms—and they certainly have enough that leadership positions in corporations There are multiple routes to suc-
money to pay for support at home. All around the world are still dominated by cess. Some people plan their careers in
that may explain why many interviewees men,” one explained, “I fear that it will
reported being basically happy despite take many organizations much longer detail; others grab whatever opportunity
their struggles and why few mentioned than it should to make accommodations presents itself. Some stick with one com-
serious damage to their marriages or for women to…effectively manage their pany, building political capital and a deep
families due to career pressures. This careers and personal lives.” knowledge of the organization’s culture
sample is an elite group of people better and resources; others change employers
positioned than most to achieve work/ Students also resist leaders’ com- frequently, relying on external con-
life balance. That they nevertheless monly held belief that you can’t compete tacts and a fresh perspective to achieve
consider it an impossible task suggests in the global marketplace while leading a success. Similarly, at home different
a sobering reality for the rest of us. “balanced” life. When one executive ar- solutions work for different individuals
gued that it’s impossible to have “a great and families. Some executives have a
Our student interviewers say, almost family life, hobbies, and an amazing stay-at-home partner; others make trade-
universally, that the leaders they spoke career” all at the same time, the student offs to enable both partners to work. The
with dispensed valuable advice about interviewing him initially thought, questions of child care, international
how to maintain both a career and a “That’s his perspective.” But after more postings, and smartphones at the dinner
family. One interviewer reported, “All conversations with leaders? “Every table don’t have “right” answers. But the
acknowledged making sacrifices and single executive confirmed this view in questions need to be asked.
concessions at times but emphasized the one way or another, and I came to believe
important role that supportive spouses that it is the reality of today’s business No one can do it alone. Of the many
and families played.” Still, many stu- world.” It remains to be seen whether,
dents are alarmed at how much leaders and how, that reality can be changed for paths to success, none can be walked
sacrifice at home and how little headway tomorrow. alone. A support network is crucial both
the business world has made in adapting at and outside work—and members of
to families’ needs. WE CAN’ T PREDICT what the workplace that network must get their needs met
or the family will look like later in this too. In pursuit of rich professional and
Male executives admitted that they century, or how the two institutions will personal lives, men and women will
don’t prioritize their families enough. coexist. But we can assert three simple surely continue to face tough decisions
And women are more likely than men to truths: about where to concentrate their efforts.
have forgone kids or marriage to avoid Our research suggests that earnestly
the pressures of combining work and Life happens. Even the most dedi- trying to focus is what will see them
family. One said, “Because I’m not a through.
mother, I haven’t experienced the major cated executive may suddenly have his
driver of inequality: having children.” or her priorities upended by a personal HBR Reprint R1403C
She added, “People assume that if you crisis—a heart attack, for instance, or a
don’t have kids, then you either can’t death in the family. As one pointed out, Boris Groysberg is the Richard P. Chapman
have kids or else you’re a hard-driving people tend to ignore work/life balance Professor of Business Administration at
bitch. So I haven’t had any negative until “something is wrong.” But that kind Harvard Business School, faculty affiliate at
career repercussions, but I’ve probably of disregard is a choice, and not a wise the HBS Gender Initiative, and the coauthor,
been judged personally.” one. Since when do smart executives as- with Colleen Ammerman, of Glass Half
sume that everything will work out just Broken (HBR Press, 2021). Twitter:
@bgroysberg. Robin Abrahams is a
research associate at Harvard Business
School.

25HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

26 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR
PRIORITIES

Illustration by CALVIN SPRAGUE ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED JULY–AUGUST 2010

How Will
You Measure
Your Life?

Don’t reserve your best business
thinking for your career.

→ by CLAYTON M. CHRISTENSEN

BEFORE I PUBLISHED The Innovator’s Dilemma, I got a call from
Andrew Grove, then the chairman of Intel.

He had read one of my early papers about disruptive tech-
nology, and he asked if I could talk to his direct reports and
explain my research and what it implied for Intel. Excited,
I flew to Silicon Valley and showed up at the appointed time,
only to have Grove say, “Look, stuff has happened. We have
only 10 minutes for you. Tell us what your model of disruption
means for Intel.” I said that I couldn’t—that I needed a full 30
minutes to explain the model, because only with it as context
would any comments about Intel make sense. Ten minutes into
my explanation, Grove interrupted: “Look, I’ve got your model.
Just tell us what it means for Intel.”

27HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

The powerful motivator in our lives isn’t money;
it’s the opportunity to learn, grow in responsibilities, contribute
to others, and be recognized for achievements.

Editor’s Note I insisted that I needed 10 more models or theories that help students
minutes to describe how the process of think about the various dimensions of a
When the members of the class of 2010 disruption had worked its way through general manager’s job in stimulating in-
entered business school, the economy was a very different industry, steel, so that novation and growth. In each session we
strong and their post-graduation ambitions he and his team could understand how look at one company through the lenses
could be limitless. Just a few weeks later, disruption worked. I told the story of of those theories—using them to explain
the economy went into a tailspin. They’ve how Nucor and other steel minimills how the company got into its situation
spent the past two years recalibrating their had begun by attacking the lowest end and to examine what managerial actions
worldview and their definition of success. of the market—steel reinforcing bars, or will yield the needed results.
rebar—and later moved up toward the
The students seem highly aware of how high end, undercutting the traditional On the last day of class, I ask my
the world has changed (as the sampling of steel mills. students to turn those theoretical lenses
views in this article shows). In the spring, on themselves, to find cogent answers to
Harvard Business School’s graduating class When I finished the minimill story, three questions: First, how can I be sure
asked HBS professor Clay Christensen to Grove said, “OK, I get it. What it means that I’ll be happy in my career? Second,
address them—but not on how to apply his for Intel is…,” and then went on to how can I be sure that my relationships
principles and thinking to their post-HBS articulate what would become the com- with my spouse and my family become
careers. The students wanted to know how pany’s strategy for going to the bottom an enduring source of happiness? Third,
to apply them to their personal lives. He of the market to launch the Celeron how can I be sure I’ll stay out of jail?
shared with them a set of guidelines that processor. Though the last question sounds light-
have helped him find meaning in his own hearted, it’s not. Two of the 32 people
life. Though Christensen’s thinking comes I’ve thought about that a million in my Rhodes scholar class spent time
from his deep religious faith, we believe times since. If I had been suckered into in jail. Jeff Skilling of Enron fame was a
that these are strategies anyone can use. telling Andy Grove what he should think classmate of mine at HBS. These were
And so we asked him to share them with about the microprocesor business, I’d good guys—but something in their lives
the readers of HBR. have been killed. But instead of telling sent them off in the wrong direction.
him what to think, I taught him how to
think—and then he reached what I felt As the students discuss the answers
was the correct decision on his own. to these questions, I open my own life
to them as a case study of sorts, to illus-
That experience had a profound trate how they can use the theories from
influence on me. When people ask what our course to guide their life decisions.
I think they should do, I rarely answer
their question directly. Instead, I run One of the theories that gives great
the question aloud through one of my insight on the first question—how to be
models. I’ll describe how the process in sure we find happiness in our careers—is
the model worked its way through an from Frederick Herzberg, who asserts
industry quite different from their own. that the powerful motivator in our lives
And then, more often than not, they’ll isn’t money; it’s the opportunity to
say, “OK, I get it.” And they’ll answer learn, grow in responsibilities, contrib-
their own question more insightfully ute to others, and be recognized for
than I could have. achievements. I tell the students about a
vision of sorts I had while I was running
My class at HBS is structured to help the company I founded before becoming
my students understand what good an academic. In my mind’s eye I saw
management theory is and how it is one of my managers leave for work one
built. To that backbone I attach different

28 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR PRIORITIES
HOW WILL YOU MEASURE YOUR LIFE?

morning with a relatively strong level of ment invests in. If a company’s resource Idea in Brief
self-esteem. Then I pictured her driving allocation process is not managed
home to her family 10 hours later, feel- masterfully, what emerges from it can Good management theory—
ing unappreciated, frustrated, underuti- be very different from what manage- and practice—can advance your
lized, and demeaned. I imagined how ment intended. Because companies’ personal life as well as your
profoundly her lowered self-esteem decision-making systems are designed career.
affected the way she interacted with her to steer investments to initiatives that • To be happy in your business
children. The vision in my mind then offer the most tangible and immediate
fast-forwarded to another day, when she returns, companies shortchange invest- career, understand that the
drove home with greater self-esteem— ments in initiatives that are crucial to deepest rewards come from
feeling that she had learned a lot, been their long-term strategies. investing in people—not
recognized for achieving valuable companies.
things, and played a significant role in Over the years I’ve watched the fates • To make sure your relationship
the success of some important initia- of my HBS classmates from 1979 unfold; with your family becomes an
tives. I then imagined how positively I’ve seen more and more of them come enduring source of happiness,
that affected her as a spouse and a to reunions unhappy, divorced, and create a clear purpose for your
parent. My conclusion: Management alienated from their children. I can life; allocate enough resources
is the most noble of professions if it’s guarantee you that not a single one of to achieve it; and take care to
practiced well. No other occupation them graduated with the deliberate deliberately build a culture in
offers as many ways to help others learn strategy of getting divorced and raising your family, just as you would
and grow, take responsibility and be rec- children who would become estranged in a corporation.
ognized for achievement, and contribute from them. And yet a shocking number • To remain ethical, avoid the
to the success of a team. More and more of them implemented that strategy. The mistake of adhering to the
MBA students come to school thinking reason? They didn’t keep the purpose of marginal cost economics of
that a career in business means buying, their lives front and center as they de- “just this once.”
selling, and investing in companies. cided how to spend their time, talents,
That’s unfortunate. Doing deals doesn’t and energy. 29HBR Special Issue 
yield the deep rewards that come from Winter 2020
building up people. It’s quite startling that a significant
fraction of the 900 students that HBS
I want students to leave my classroom draws each year from the world’s best
knowing that. have given little thought to the purpose
of their lives. I tell the students that HBS
Create a Strategy might be one of their last chances to
for Your Life reflect deeply on that question. If they
think that they’ll have more time and en-
A theory that is helpful in answering the ergy to reflect later, they’re nuts, because
second question—How can I ensure that life only gets more demanding: You take
my relationship with my family proves on a mortgage; you’re working 70 hours
to be an enduring source of happiness?— a week; you have a spouse and children.
concerns how strategy is defined and
implemented. Its primary insight is that For me, having a clear purpose in
a company’s strategy is determined by my life has been essential. But it was
the types of initiatives that manage- something I had to think long and hard
about before I understood it. When I
was a Rhodes scholar, I was in a very

Doing deals doesn’t yield the deep rewards
that come from building up people.

demanding academic program, trying to The choice and successful pursuit of a sale, teach a class, publish a paper, get
cram an extra year’s worth of work into a profession is but one tool for achieving paid, get promoted. In contrast, invest-
my time at Oxford. I decided to spend an your purpose. But without a purpose, life ing time and energy in your relationship
hour every night reading, thinking, and can become hollow. with your spouse and children typically
praying about why God put me on this doesn’t offer that same immediate sense
earth. That was a very challenging com- Allocate Your Resources of achievement. Kids misbehave every
mitment to keep, because every hour day. It’s really not until 20 years down
I spent doing that, I wasn’t studying Your decisions about allocating your per- the road that you can put your hands on
applied econometrics. I was conflicted sonal time, energy, and talent ultimately your hips and say, “I raised a good son or
about whether I could really afford to shape your life’s strategy. a good daughter.” You can neglect your
take that time away from my studies, relationship with your spouse, and on
but I stuck with it—and ultimately fig- I have a bunch of “businesses” that a day-to-day basis, it doesn’t seem as if
ured out the purpose of my life. compete for these resources: I’m trying things are deteriorating. People who are
to have a rewarding relationship with driven to excel have this unconscious
Had I instead spent that hour each my wife, raise great kids, contribute to propensity to underinvest in their
day learning the latest techniques for my community, succeed in my career, families and overinvest in their careers—
mastering the problems of autocorrela- contribute to my church, and so on. even though intimate and loving
tion in regression analysis, I would have And I have exactly the same problem relationships with their families are the
badly misspent my life. I apply the tools that a corporation does. I have a limited most powerful and enduring source of
of econometrics a few times a year, but amount of time and energy and talent. happiness.
I apply my knowledge of the purpose How much do I devote to each of these
of my life every day. It’s the single most pursuits? If you study the root causes of busi-
useful thing I’ve ever learned. I promise ness disasters, over and over you’ll find
my students that if they take the time to Allocation choices can make your life this predisposition toward endeavors
figure out their life purpose, they’ll look turn out to be very different from what that offer immediate gratification. If you
back on it as the most important thing you intended. Sometimes that’s good: look at personal lives through that lens,
they discovered at HBS. If they don’t fig- Opportunities that you never planned you’ll see the same stunning and sober-
ure it out, they will just sail off without for emerge. But if you misinvest your ing pattern: people allocating fewer and
a rudder and get buffeted in the very resources, the outcome can be bad. As I fewer resources to the things they would
rough seas of life. Clarity about their pur- think about my former classmates who have once said mattered most.
pose will trump knowledge of activity- inadvertently invested for lives of hollow
based costing, balanced scorecards, core unhappiness, I can’t help believing that Create a Culture
competence, disruptive innovation, the their troubles relate right back to a short-
four Ps, and the five forces. term perspective. There’s an important model in our class
called the Tools of Cooperation, which
My purpose grew out of my religious When people who have a high need basically says that being a visionary
faith, but faith isn’t the only thing that for achievement—and that includes all manager isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
gives people direction. For example, Harvard Business School graduates— It’s one thing to see into the foggy future
one of my former students decided that have an extra half hour of time or an with acuity and chart the course correc-
his purpose was to bring honesty and extra ounce of energy, they’ll uncon- tions that the company must make. But
economic prosperity to his country and sciously allocate it to activities that yield it’s quite another to persuade employees
to raise children who were as capably the most tangible accomplishments. who might not see the changes ahead
committed to this cause, and to each And our careers provide the most to line up and work cooperatively to
other, as he was. His purpose is focused concrete evidence that we’re moving take the company in that new direction.
on family and others—as mine is. forward. You ship a product, finish a
design, complete a presentation, close

30 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR PRIORITIES
HOW WILL YOU MEASURE YOUR LIFE?

Reflections from the Harvard Knowing what tools to wield to elicit the
Business School Class of 2010 needed cooperation is a critical manage-
rial skill.
“I came to business “Because I’m “You could see a shift “The financial crisis
school knowing returning to happening at HBS. helped me realize The theory arrays these tools along
exactly what I McKinsey, it Money used to be that you have to do two dimensions—the extent to which
wanted to do—and probably seems like number one in the what you really love members of the organization agree on
I’m leaving choosing not all that much has job search. When you in life. My current what they want from their participa-
the exact opposite. changed for me. But make a ton of money, vision of success tion in the enterprise, and the extent to
I’ve worked in the while I was at HBS, you want more of it. is based on the which they agree on what actions will
private sector all I decided to do the Ironic thing. You start impact I can have, produce the desired results. When there
my life, because dual degree at the to forget what the the experiences I is little agreement on both axes, you
everyone always Kennedy School. drivers of happiness can gain, and the have to use “power tools”—coercion,
told me that’s where With the elections are and what things happiness I can find threats, punishment, and so on—to
smart people are. in 2008 and the are really important. personally, much secure cooperation. Many companies
But I’ve decided to economy looking A lot of people on more so than the start in this quadrant, which is why the
try government and shaky, it seemed campus see money pursuit of money or founding executive team must play such
see if I can find more more compelling for differently now. They prestige. My main an assertive role in defining what must
meaning there. me to get a better think, ‘What’s the motivations are be done and how. If employees’ ways
understanding of the minimum I need (1) to be with my of working together to address those
“I used to think that public and nonprofit to have, and what family and people tasks succeed over and over, consensus
industry was very sectors. In a way, else drives my life?’ I care about; (2) to begins to form. MIT’s Edgar Schein has
safe. The recession that drove my return instead of ‘What’s do something described this process as the mechanism
has shown us that to McKinsey, where the place where I can fun, exciting, and by which a culture is built. Ultimately,
nothing is safe.” I’ll have the ability get the maximum of impactful; and people don’t even think about whether
to explore private, both?’” (3) to pursue a their way of doing things yields success.
– Ruhana Hafiz public, and nonprofit long-term career in They embrace priorities and follow
sectors. – Patrick Chun entrepreneurship, procedures by instinct and assumption
Her plans: To join where I can build rather than by explicit decision—which
the FBI as a special “The recession has His plans: To join companies that means that they’ve created a culture.
advisor (a manage- made us step back Bain Capital change the way the Culture, in compelling but unspoken
ment track position) and take stock of world works.” ways, dictates the proven, acceptable
how lucky we are. methods by which members of the
The crisis to us is – Matt Salzberg group address recurrent problems. And
‘Are we going to have culture defines the priority given to
a job by April?’ Crisis His plans: To work different types of problems. It can be a
to a lot of people is for Bessemer powerful management tool.
‘Are we going to stay Venture Partners
in our home?’” In using this model to address the
question, How can I be sure that my
– John Coleman family becomes an enduring source of
happiness?, my students quickly see
His plans: To return that the simplest tools that parents can
to McKinsey & wield to elicit cooperation from children
Company are power tools. But there comes a point

31HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

If your attitude is that only smarter people have something
to teach you, your learning opportunities will be very limited.

during the teen years when power tools to live a life of integrity (stay out of jail). In many ways that was a small
no longer work. At that point parents Unconsciously, we often employ the decision—involving one of several
start wishing that they had begun work- marginal cost doctrine in our personal thousand Sundays in my life. In theory,
ing with their children at a very young lives when we choose between right and surely I could have crossed over the line
age to build a culture at home in which wrong. A voice in our head says, “Look, just that one time and then not done it
children instinctively behave respect- I know that as a general rule, most peo- again. But looking back on it, resisting
fully toward one another, obey their ple shouldn’t do this. But in this partic- the temptation whose logic was “In this
parents, and choose the right thing to do. ular extenuating circumstance, just this extenuating circumstance, just this once,
Families have cultures, just as com- once, it’s OK.” The marginal cost of doing it’s OK” has proven to be one of the most
panies do. Those cultures can be built something wrong “just this once” always important decisions of my life. Why?
consciously or evolve inadvertently. seems alluringly low. It suckers you in, My life has been one unending stream
and you don’t ever look at where that of extenuating circumstances. Had I
If you want your kids to have strong path ultimately is headed and at the full crossed the line that one time, I would
self-esteem and confidence that they costs that the choice entails. Justification have done it over and over in the years
can solve hard problems, those quali- for infidelity and dishonesty in all their that followed.
ties won’t magically materialize in high manifestations lies in the marginal cost
school. You have to design them into economics of “just this once.” The lesson I learned from this is that
your family’s culture—and you have it’s easier to hold to your principles
to think about this very early on. Like I’d like to share a story about how 100% of the time than it is to hold to
employees, children build self-esteem by I came to understand the potential dam- them 98% of the time. If you give in to
doing things that are hard and learning age of “just this once” in my own life. “just this once,” based on a marginal
what works. I played on the Oxford University varsity cost analysis, as some of my former
basketball team. We worked our tails off classmates have done, you’ll regret
Avoid the “Marginal and finished the season undefeated. The where you end up. You’ve got to define
Costs” Mistake guys on the team were the best friends for yourself what you stand for and
I’ve ever had in my life. We got to the draw the line in a safe place.
We’re taught in finance and economics British equivalent of the NCAA tourna-
that in evaluating alternative invest- ment—and made it to the final four. It Remember the
ments, we should ignore sunk and fixed turned out the championship game was Importance of Humility
costs, and instead base decisions on the scheduled to be played on a Sunday.
marginal costs and marginal revenues I had made a personal commitment to I got this insight when I was asked to
that each alternative entails. We learn in God at age 16 that I would never play ball teach a class on humility at Harvard Col-
our course that this doctrine biases com- on Sunday. So I went to the coach and lege. I asked all the students to describe
panies to leverage what they have put in explained my problem. He was incredu- the most humble person they knew.
place to succeed in the past, instead of lous. My teammates were, too, because One characteristic of these humble
guiding them to create the capabilities I was the starting center. Every one of people stood out: They had a high level
they’ll need in the future. If we knew the guys on the team came to me and of self-esteem. They knew who they
the future would be exactly the same said, “You’ve got to play. Can’t you break were, and they felt good about who they
as the past, that approach would be the rule just this one time?” were. We also decided that humility was
fine. But if the future’s different—and defined not by self-deprecating behav-
it almost always is—then it’s the wrong I’m a deeply religious man, so I went ior or attitudes but by the esteem with
thing to do. away and prayed about what I should do. which you regard others. Good behavior
I got a very clear feeling that I shouldn’t flows naturally from that kind of humil-
This theory addresses the third ques- break my commitment—so I didn’t play ity. For example, you would never steal
tion I discuss with my students—how in the championship game.

32 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

IDENTIFY YOUR PRIORITIES
HOW WILL YOU MEASURE YOUR LIFE?

from someone, because you respect tial impact. But as I’ve confronted this
that person too much. You’d never lie to disease, it’s been interesting to see how
someone, either. unimportant that impact is to me now.
I’ve concluded that the metric by which
It’s crucial to take a sense of humility God will assess my life isn’t dollars but
into the world. By the time you make the individual people whose lives I’ve
it to a top graduate school, almost all touched.
your learning has come from people
who are smarter and more experienced I think that’s the way it will work for
than you: parents, teachers, bosses. But us all. Don’t worry about the level of in-
once you’ve finished at Harvard Busi- dividual prominence you have achieved;
ness School or any other top academic worry about the individuals you have
institution, the vast majority of people helped become better people. This is my
you’ll interact with on a day-to-day basis final recommendation: Think about the
may not be smarter than you. And if your metric by which your life will be judged,
attitude is that only smarter people have and make a resolution to live every day
something to teach you, your learn- so that in the end, your life will be judged
ing opportunities will be very limited. a success.
But if you have a humble eagerness to
learn something from everybody, your HBR Reprint R1007B
learning opportunities will be unlimited.
Generally, you can be humble only if you Clayton M. Christensen was the Robert and
feel really good about yourself—and you Jane Cizik Professor of Business Adminis-
want to help those around you feel really tration at Harvard Business School.
good about themselves, too. When we
see people acting in an abusive, arrogant,
or demeaning manner toward others,
their behavior almost always is a symp-
tom of their lack of self-esteem. They
need to put someone else down to feel
good about themselves.

Choose the Right Yardstick

This past year I was diagnosed with
cancer and faced the possibility that my
life would end sooner than I’d planned.
Thankfully, it now looks as if I’ll be
spared. But the experience has given
me important insight into my life.

I have a pretty clear idea of how
my ideas have generated enormous
revenue for companies that have used
my research; I know I’ve had a substan-

33HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

SET BOUNDARIES

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED NOVEMBER 2016 Illustration by MUTI/FOLIO ART

Beating
Burnout

→ by MONIQUE VALCOUR

H E AV Y WO R K L OA DS A N D D E A D L I N E P R E SS U R E S are a fact of
managerial life. Who doesn’t feel overwhelmed or stretched
thin sometimes? But when relentless work stress pushes
you into the debilitating state we call burnout, it is a serious
problem, affecting not just your own performance and
well-being, both on the job and off, but also that of your
team and your organization.

Hard data on the prevalence of burnout is elusive since it’s
not yet a clinical term separate from stress. Some researchers
say that as few as 7% of professionals have been seriously
impacted by burnout. But others have documented rates
as high as 50% among medical residents and 85% among fi-
nancial professionals. A 2013 ComPsych survey of more than
5,100 North American workers found that 62% felt high lev-
els of stress, loss of control, and extreme fatigue. Research

34 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

35HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

SET BOUNDARIES
BEATING BURNOUT

has also linked burnout to many negative to ultimately achieve more-sustainable from your work. Instead of feeling
physical and mental health outcomes, career success. The process involves invested in your assignments, projects,
including coronary artery disease, hyper- noticing and acknowledging the symp- colleagues, customers, and other col-
tension, sleep disturbances, depression, toms, examining the underlying causes, laborators, you feel detached, negative,
and anxiety, as well as to increased alco- and developing preventive strategies even callous. Cynicism can be the result
hol and drug use. Moreover, burnout has to counteract your particular pattern of work overload, but it is also likely to
been shown to produce feelings of futility of burnout. occur in the presence of high conflict,
and alienation, undermine the quality unfairness, and lack of participation in
of relationships, and diminish long-term Three Components decision-making. For example, after
career prospects. ignoring repeated directives to push
Thanks to the pioneering research of solutions that didn’t solve clients’
Consider the case of Barbara (last psychologist Christina Maslach and sev- problems, Ari realized that the constant
name withheld), the CEO of a PR firm eral collaborators, we know that burnout battle with his bosses was affecting
that serves technology industry clients. is a three-component syndrome that his own behavior. “I was talking trash
During the 2001 collapse of the dot-com arises in response to chronic stressors on and shading the truth more often than
bubble, the challenge of keeping her the job. Let’s examine each symptom— I was being respectful and honest,” he
business afloat added extra stress to an exhaustion, cynicism, and inefficacy— explains. Persistent cynicism is a signal
already intense workload. Focused on in turn. that you have lost your connection to,
this “unrelenting hustle,” she neglected enjoyment of, and pride in your work.
her health, lost perspective, and began Exhaustion is the central symptom
to doubt her own abilities. Cheryl (not Inefficacy refers to feelings of
her real name), a partner in the Phila- of burnout. It comprises profound
delphia office of a global law firm, hit physical, cognitive, and emotional incompetence and a lack of achieve-
the same sort of wall after she agreed to fatigue that undermines people’s ability ment and productivity. People with this
take on multiple leadership roles there in to work effectively and feel positive symptom of burnout feel their skills
addition to managing her full-time legal about what they’re doing. This can stem slipping and worry that they won’t be
practice. “I felt like my body was running from the demands of an always-on, 24/7 able to succeed in certain situations
on adrenaline—trying to do a marathon organizational culture, intense time or accomplish certain tasks. It often
at a sprint pace—all the time,” she recalls. pressure, or simply having too much develops in tandem with exhaustion
And yet she couldn’t step back mentally to do, especially when you lack control and cynicism because people can’t
from work. Another executive I know— over your work, dislike it, or don’t have perform at their peak when they’re out
let’s call him Ari—felt trapped in his role the necessary skills to accomplish it. of fuel and have lost their connection
as a consultant at a boutique firm. Toxic In a state of exhaustion, you find that to work. For example, although Barbara
internal dynamics and client relationship you’re unable to concentrate or see the was a seasoned PR professional, the
practices that clashed with his values big picture; even routine and previously stress of the dot-com crisis and her
had eroded his sense of self to the point enjoyable tasks seem arduous, and it resulting fatigue caused her to question
where he didn’t know how to go on— becomes difficult to drag yourself both her ability to serve clients and keep the
or get out. into and out of the office. This is how business thriving. But burnout can also
burnout started for Cheryl. Her fuel tank start with inefficacy if you lack the re-
Over the past 15 years as a coach, re- was low, and it wasn’t being adequately sources and support to do your job well,
searcher, and educator, I’ve helped thou- replenished. including adequate time, information,
sands of clients, students, and executive- clear expectations, autonomy, and good
development program participants in Cynicism, also called deperson- relationships with those whose involve-
similar predicaments learn to manage ment you need to succeed. The absence
the stress that can cause burnout and alization, represents an erosion of of feedback and meaningful recogni-
engagement. It is essentially a way of
distancing yourself psychologically

36 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

Changes at the job, team, or organizational level
are often required to address all the underlying issues.

tion, which leaves you wondering about by prioritizing good sleep habits, nutri- Idea in Brief
the quality of your work and feeling tion, exercise, social connection, and
that it’s unappreciated, can also activate practices that promote equanimity and MANAGERS IN CRISIS
this component. This was the situation well-being, like meditating, journaling, Demanding workloads and
for Ari, who felt that he was forced to and enjoying nature. If you’re having deadlines may be par for the
function at a subpar level because his troubling squeezing such activities into course, but unremitting work
organization didn’t care enough to sup- your packed schedule, give yourself stress can lead to burnout—a
port good performance. a week to assess exactly how you’re debilitating state that can affect
spending your time. (You can do this on your performance and well-
While each component is correlated paper, in a spreadsheet, or on one of the being, both at work and at home,
with the other two and one often leads many relevant apps now available.) For as well as impact your team and
to another, individuals also have distinct each block of time, record what you’re organization.
burnout profiles. Michael Leiter, a doing, whom you’re with, how you feel
longtime collaborator with Maslach, is (for example, on a scale of 1 to 10, where ROAD MAP FOR RECOVERY
examining this in his current research. 1 equals angry or drained and 10 is joyful The key to preventing—or
He has found, for example, that some or energized), and how valuable the recovering from—burnout starts
people are mainly exhausted but haven’t activity is. This will help you find with identifying symptoms and
yet developed cynicism or begun to opportunities to limit your exposure to what might be causing them.
doubt their performance. Others are tasks, people, and situations that aren’t Then use strategies such as
primarily cynical or suffer most from essential and put you in a negative prioritizing self-care, examining
feelings of reduced efficacy. People can mood; increase your investment in your mindset and assumptions,
also be high on two components and low those that boost your energy; and reducing your exposure to job
on one. Although most of the prevention make space for restful, positive time stressors, and seeking out
and recovery strategies we’ll discuss are away from work. meaningful work connections to
designed to address all three symptoms, avoid being overwhelmed.
it’s a good idea to diagnose your specific Barbara says she bounced back from
burnout profile so that you know where her bout of burnout by “learning to do BETTER WORK, BETTER LIFE
you need the most help. things that fill me up.” Nowadays, when That sense of being inundated
she notices that she’s feeling overly tired with stress is a red flag, not the
Recovery and Prevention or starting to doubt herself, she changes final outcome. Understanding
her behavior immediately, making use the symptoms of burnout and
Situational factors are the biggest of flexible work options, hosting walking implementing strategies to
contributors to burnout, so changes at meetings to get out of the office, and recover from and prevent it can
the job, team, or organizational level are setting limits on the amount of time she help you create a sustainable
often required to address all the under- spends reading e-mails and taking calls career and find health and
lying issues. However, there are steps from colleagues and clients. happiness in your life.
you can take on your own once you’re
aware of the symptoms and of what After her crisis, Cheryl also became 37HBR Special Issue 
might be causing them. Here are some much more intentional about her time Winter 2020
strategies I have found to be successful off. “I find that going away, getting a
with my clients. change of scenery, and ‘taking it down
a notch’ allows my body and mind to
Prioritize self-care. It’s essential to rejuvenate,” she says. “And my creativ-
ity benefits: I have more ‘aha’ moments,
replenish your physical and emotional and I’m better able to connect the dots.”
energy, along with your capacity to focus,

SET BOUNDARIES
BEATING BURNOUT

Help Prevent Burnout on Your Team

Burnout is rarely an Set Limits on Workloads • Make sure your team • Recognize and reward • At team meetings, ask
individual phenomenon; • Talk to your team about members take their full people for helping what assistance people
fixing and preventing it vacation time. others. need and can offer one
requires leadership. You its collective capacity, another.
can help your team thrive and ensure that assign- Boost Control • Note the positive
by implementing ments and deadlines • Clarify expectations; impact of your team’s • Be open about asking
the following advice. don’t exceed it. work on others. for and giving support.
grant flexibility on
Watch for Warning Signs • Shield your team from where, when, and how Emphasize Learning Build Community
• The signs of burnout external pressures, people get work done. • Routinely ask team • Don’t tolerate incivility
including unreasonable
are obvious in some or unclear client and • Advocate for the members about their on your team. Set an
people but subtle in management demands. resources your team development goals example for respectful,
others. Keep an eye out needs to perform. and what resources compassionate behav-
for tiredness, lack of Insist on Renewal are required to achieve ior toward others.
focus, depressed mood, • Communicate that • Create uninterrupted them.
hostility, and expres- time for people to make • Encourage people to
sions of hopelessness. optimal performance progress on important • Share what you’re share what’s happening
depends on rest and tasks. learning and how you’re in their lives outside of
• Regularly check in with renewal. Encourage doing it. work.
team members to gauge people to set sensible Make Recognition
their physical, cog- limits on work hours. Meaningful Facilitate Mutual Support
nitive, and emotional • Regularly highlight wins • Talk regularly about
energy levels. • Set an example by
keeping reasonable and successes, even progress toward
hours yourself. small ones. team goals.

Shift your perspective. While rest, critical ones—you could delegate to you engage in some personal branding
free up meaningful time and energy for to showcase your work?
relaxation, and replenishment can ease other important work. Are there ways to
exhaustion, curb cynicism, and enhance reshape your job in order to gain more Cheryl worked with an executive
efficacy, they don’t fully address the root control or to focus on the most fulfilling coach to evaluate and reset her priorities.
causes of burnout. Back at the office, tasks? If cynicism is a major issue, can “I work in a competitive field and I’m a
you may still face the same impossible you shield yourself from the parts of the competitive person, which can skew the
workload, untenable conflicts, or paltry organization that frustrate you, while way you see reality,” she explains. “In
resources. So now you must take a close reengaging in your specific role and the the past I didn’t dare say no to leadership
look at your mindset and assumptions. whole enterprise? Or could you build opportunities because I was afraid that
What aspects of your situation are some positive, supportive relationships if I did, everything might disappear.”
truly fixed, and which can you change? to counteract the ones that drain you? She says she’s now replaced that
Altering your perspective can buffer the And if you’re feeling ineffective, what “scarcity” mentality with one that
negative impact of even the inflexible assistance or development might you instead presumes abundance. “Now
aspects. If exhaustion is a key problem, seek out? If recognition is lacking, could if I feel overextended, I’ll ask myself,
ask yourself which tasks—including Is there a way to inject joy back into

38 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

The best antidote to burnout is seeking out
rich interpersonal interactions and continual personal and
professional development.

this role, or is it time to give it up? And tually one. Part of the job is helping them successful solo entrepreneur, has built
I understand that when I want to take put things in perspective. And being a a network of technical partners who
something on, I need to decide what to good service professional doesn’t mean share the same vision, collaborate, and
give up to make space.” you have to be a servant. You shouldn’t funnel work to one another. He says that
be e-mailing at 11 at night on a regular running a “client centered” business he
Ari did the same sort of deep thinking. basis.” believes in and working with people he
Although he had previously felt tethered respects have boosted his engagement
to his job—the firm was prestigious, the Cheryl, too, says she’s learned “not tremendously.
pay was good—he realized that values to get carried along in the current” of
and ethics meant more to him than any overwhelming demands. She adds, B U R N O U T C A N O F T E N feel insurmount-
perk, so he eventually quit and started “You have to know when saying no is able. But the sense of being over-
his own business. “After I pushed back the right answer. And it takes courage whelmed is a signal, not a long-term
a couple of times and said that what we and conviction to stick to your guns and sentence. By understanding the symp-
were recommending wasn’t right for the not feel guilty.” If you find that there are toms and causes and implementing
clients, my boss cranked up the pressure few or no opportunities to shift things these four strategies, you can recover
on me and assigned me to only the most in a more positive direction, you might and build a road map for prevention.
difficult clients. At one point I said to want to contemplate a bigger change, Your brutal experience can serve as a
my wife, ‘It might be good if I got hit by as Ari did. turning point that launches you into a
a bus. I don’t want to die, but I’d like to more sustainable career and a happier,
be injured enough that I’d have to stop Seek out connections. The best healthier life.
working for a while.’ She said, ‘That’s it;
you’re getting out of there.’” He took a antidote to burnout, particularly when HBR Reprint R1611H
few months to line up some independent it’s driven by cynicism and inefficacy, is
consulting assignments and then made seeking out rich interpersonal interac- Monique Valcour is an executive coach,
the move. tions and continual personal and profes- keynote speaker, and management
sional development. Find coaches and professor. She helps clients create and
Reduce exposure to job stressors. mentors who can help you identify and sustain fulfilling and high-performance
activate positive relationships and learn- jobs, careers, workplaces, and lives. Follow
You’ll also need to target high-value ing opportunities. Volunteering to advise her on Twitter @moniquevalcour.
activities and relationships that still others is another particularly effective
trigger unhealthy stress. This involves way of breaking out of a negative cycle.
resetting the expectations of colleagues,
clients, and even family members for Given the influence of situational
what and how much you’re willing to factors on burnout, it’s likely that others
take on, as well as ground rules for work- in your organization are suffering too.
ing together. You may get pushback. But If you band together to offer mutual
doubters must know that you’re making support, identify problems, and brain-
these changes to improve your long-term storm and advocate for solutions, you
productivity and protect your health. will all increase your sense of control
and connection. Barbara participates in
Barbara, for example, is keenly aware a CEO mentoring and advisory program
of the aspects of PR work that put people called Vistage. “We’re a small group of
in her field at risk of burnout, so now CEOs in noncompetitive businesses, so
she actively manages them. “There’s we can share ideas,” she explains. “We
constant pressure, from both clients and spend one day per month together, have
the media,” she explains. “But a lot of great speakers, and serve as advisory
times, what clients label a crisis is not ac- boards for each other.” Ari, now a

39HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

SET BOUNDARIES

Quick Takes

1. Stop Work Overload by Setting make changes once you have
These Boundaries confidence that the expecta-
tions of yourself and others
→ by ELIZABETH GRACE SAUNDERS really are unreasonable and
that you can set boundaries
WHY IS IT that when your But, it doesn’t. And you Although those fears are in a respectful, constructive AMER GHAZZAL/GETTY IMAGES
friends, your significant find yourself wedged be- understandable, they aren’t manner.
other, and especially your tween the fact that you can’t necessary valid. As a time
mom tell you, You need to stop seem to get everything done coach, I’ve found that one of Here are five steps to gain
working so much!—you hes- and the feeling that maybe the biggest keys to achieving that confidence, which you
itate? On the one hand, you the problem isn’t the situa- balance is to start objectively can apply on an individual
know they have a point. It’s tion—it’s you. You feel guilty evaluating the fact-based as- level or, if you are responsible
unsustainable to consistently that everyone else seems pects of your schedule rather for managing your team’s ex-
pull 12- to 14-hour days, and to complete everything, but than letting a vague sense of pectations, on a group level.
you feel burned-out and you can’t. You worry that fear drive your decisions. No
cranky. But when it comes to if you ask for help or say no matter how valuable a team 1. Develop a time budget.
actually setting boundaries, to anything, everyone will member you may be, no one
you stall and tell yourself and discover you’re an imposter can fit 100 hours of work into People who manage their
others, “It’s just a busy time. who doesn’t add enough 40 hours a week, or even finances well follow a few
It will get better soon.” value. 60 hours. You can start to consistent principles: (1) They
spend only what they have,
so they avoid unnecessary
debt and the corresponding
stress and cost. (2) They
make sure they allocate their
money correctly so that they
have sufficient funds for
everything they need to buy.
And finally, (3) they cut costs
where they can, without a
significant negative impact,
and put money into invest-
ments where they have a
good probability of a return.
The same principles apply to
effective time investment.
To have a clear sense of what
you can reasonably handle,
start out by calculating how
many hours you have to
“spend” each week. If you
tend to overallocate time
toward work, you can do the
calculations in reverse. For
example:

40 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

Challenge your assumptions on what you should do
and how long you should spend on different activities.

Hours/day to work = 50% working on projects, and deadline and then trying time on items where spend-
24 – (number of hours of 30% doing development ac- to juggle other ongoing and ing more hours to get them
sleep) – (commute) – (personal tivities. Consider not only the long-term projects, too, which perfect doesn’t add value.
commitments) – (exercise) cost for a particular item but was causing lots of stress! So, Challenge your assumptions
– (self-care) also the associated costs. For I thought about what was on what you should do and
instance, a one-hour meeting causing the stress and tried how long you should spend
Personal commitments are could come with the related to tackle things I had control on different activities. If
items in your schedule that expenses of 15 minutes of of without just defaulting to possible, put tasks on your
are essential to your self- travel time each way, 30 min- working a lot of overtime. weekly to-do list only if you
fulfillment, such as family utes of prep, and 15 minutes For example, I contacted one have space to fit them into
time, volunteer responsi- of follow-up, so the total ex- of the project managers with your schedule.
bilities, social activities, or pense comes to 2.25 hours. If the longer-term project to see
personal passions like playing you work a nine-hour day and if it was possible to ‘pause’ 3. Compare expected
the piano. Eating and shower- want to spend no more than my effort on his project over with actual.
ing fall under self-care. After 50% of your time in meetings, a two-week period, and he
you have a sense of your daily that limits you to an average agreed, with some negotia- Once you’ve started to accept
time budget, calculate your of two meetings per day and tions. So that was about 24 that time is limited and
weekly time budget by adding 10 meetings per week. hours saved over the two you’ve taken advantage of
up the totals for each day. For weeks. Then I attacked a few the quick wins, you’ll need to
some people, each day will 2. Make cuts where other aspects of the problem further refine your estimates
look similar. For others, their you can. by recruiting some more to compare expected with ac-
personal commitments create part-time help from another tual time allotments. For in-
large variations in their day- After developing a time bud- department, adjusting the stance, maybe you think writ-
to-day time budget. get, you’ll typically find that scope of one project, gaining ing that email should take
you really did expect more an extension on another only one hour, but when you
Once you understand the of yourself than you could project, etc. Instead of feeling actually track the time you
size of your time budget, then possibly fit into the hours in overwhelmed and a victim of spend, you find that it takes
you can evaluate the different a day. But that doesn’t mean the circumstances, I felt SO two. (Any sort of tracking will
time costs during your work- it’s time to go running to powerful!” do, but if you want to be pre-
day. For example, you have your manager. Instead, you cise, tools like RescueTime
“maintenance” activities like need to look carefully at how You may need to take such can help you know exactly
answering email or planning you spend your time and cut extreme measures in times of how you spend time on your
projects, “execution” activi- where you can first. a work crisis, or more-subtle computer.) When faced with
ties like attending meetings measures, such as excusing the reality of the situation,
or completing reports, and One of the readers of my yourself from nonessential you’ll need to see if you can
“development” activities like book took this advice to heart meetings, asking your col- take time-cutting measures
networking or marketing. when she faced a major time leagues to review items with like writing more-succinct
Make a list of all the different crunch at work. Instead of you during a one-on-one responses, using tools like
elements of your workday trying to fight the reality meeting instead of sending TypeIt4Me, or requesting
and then write down either of her time budget, she took you 50 emails throughout the different email strategies
an initial time estimate or a this action: week, stepping off a commit- at work. If none of those
percentage for each one. For tee, turning off your email reduces the time allocation,
instance, I spend 20% of my “I was (once again) up pop-ups, or spending less you’ll need to increase your
workday answering email, against way too many com- budget in that area.
peting projects with the same

41HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

The fact that you’re over your time budget isn’t
a judgment about you but a sign that you need to adjust your
overall environment.

Using the 80/20 rule can outlined below. But before approach these negotiations As a final word of
also help you make every- you do, bolster your confi- as strategic sessions where encouragement—and
thing fit within your time dence by looking over your you are working together warning—practicing what
budget. But this will require time budget once more and to maximize the value you I’ve outlined will leave you
you to more fully embrace reminding yourself that you can contribute. Maybe a task not only healthier and hap-
the realization that you can’t have no reason to feel guilty could be demoted in priority, pier but also more humble.
do everything and please ev- or like a failure. No one can delegated, or simplified so When you start to embrace
eryone. For example, as you do the impossible, so the that you have more time to your limits, you’ll need to
start to look at the value from fact that you’re over your focus on your highest-priority admit that you aren’t perfect
different activities, you may time budget isn’t a judgment tasks. When done in this and can’t do everything,
find that declining meetings about you but a sign that you manner, asking for direction especially all at once. If you
that people would like you to need to adjust your overall with setting priorities doesn’t have always been your team’s
attend but that keep you from environment. have to come across as dis- go-to perfectionist, adjusting
your highest-priority tasks is respectful or insubordinate, your behavior could leave
the solution. Or you may need Here’s how to approach but as a joint effort to work you feeling a bit at a loss in
to spend less time than you time-budget negotiations within the reality of your time terms of your identity. You’ll
might have thought to make with your manager and/or limitations. need to redefine who you
the correct amount of impact. people who try to put more are, such as “the person who
For example, spending 30 to items into your schedule: 5. Keep rebalancing. remains calm and delivers
45 minutes at your company’s on-time, quality work”
happy hour may have almost Gather your facts. Have a Due to the dynamic nature instead of “the stressed-out
as much impact as staying of life and work, you can’t team member who meets
for two hours. By cutting out concise list of projects and a simply set your schedule and ridiculously short deadlines
earlier, you can invest an hour rough estimate of how long then leave it for the next 10 and never says no.” This
in exercising or finishing a the various tasks take you to years. Typically on a daily or transition will take time but
proposal, which will have do. (If you’ve followed the weekly (or at the very least ultimately empower you to
a dramatic return on the time above three steps, you should monthly) basis, you will need enjoy the journey and make
investment. Although some already have this on hand.) to balance and rebalance your life more pleasant for those
of these choices may make schedule. This means that if around you, too.
people uncomfortable— Develop a visual. This could you had underallocated time
especially you—the short- toward a particular activity HBR Reprint H00AOD
term discomfort caused by be as simple as printing out one week, like reviewing
changing your natural default your weekly calendar after email, you will need to spend Originally published on HBR.org
response will have a big pay- having filled in time for both more time on it the following May 30, 2013
off in the long term. meetings and tasks, or as week. Or maybe one day you
complex as displaying a full- will need to completely focus Elizabeth Grace Saunders is a
4. Ask for direction. scale project plan. The form on presentation prep so that time management coach and
matters less than the goal of you can catch up on meetings the founder of Real Life E Time
If you’ve followed the above showing the incongruence the next day. The realistic Coaching & Speaking. She is
three steps and still can’t between the available time goal is to have the allocation the author of How to Invest
accomplish everything you and the requested activities. of time within your work- Your Time Like Money (Harvard
must do, it’s time to be brave week—and between your Business Review Press, 2015)
and ask for help. You can do Present the information. work and nonwork time— and Divine Time Management:
so in a clear, objective way as average out correctly. The Joy of Trusting God’s Loving
Instead of seeing this as a bat- Plans for You (FaithWords,
tle between you and the peo- 2017).
ple desiring work from you,

42 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

SET BOUNDARIES
QUICK TAKES

As someone who has
worked from home for 12
years and been a time man-
agement coach for remote
workers, I’ve seen and
experienced the good, the
bad, and the ugly. The most
focused and effective remote
workers set up boundaries for
themselves so that they can
actually get work done.

Here are some tips for how
you can make remote work
more productive and satisfy-
ing, whether it’s an everyday
occurrence or an occasional
work-from-home day.

2. How to Stay Focused When You’re Establish working hours.
Working from Home
It may sound silly, but if you
→ by ELIZABETH GRACE SAUNDERS want to have a focused day
of work, pretend you’re not
FILMCOLORATSTUDIO/GETTY IMAGES N O C O M M U T E . No drive-by Consider when you’re squeeze in your personal working from home. Before
meetings. No dress code. working on a project and commitments. Putting a I became a time manage-
Remote working can seem get a call from a friend. You few loads of laundry in the ment coach, my schedule
like a dream—until personal know you must finish your washer midday can seem was chaotic. I didn’t have a
obligations get in the way. work, but you feel rude for like a quick task—until you set time that I would be at
These distractions are easy not talking when you tech- find yourself making up that my computer, and I would
to ignore in an office, but at nically could. Or think about work time late at night. In often schedule personal
home it can be difficult to when you’re planning your the end, it’s never entirely appointments or run errands
draw the line between per- daily to-do list, but you also clear when you’re really “on” during the day. And since
sonal and professional time. need to decide when you’ll or “off.” my personal life didn’t have
boundaries, my work life
didn’t either. When I was
home, I would feel guilty for
not checking business email
at all hours of the day and
night. I never felt as if I could
truly rest.

But a big shift occurred
when I set up “office hours”
for working from home (for
me, that was about 9 AM to

43HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

SET BOUNDARIES
QUICK TAKES

6 PM most weekdays) and Then define one or two key away from anyone else who errands into smaller pieces,
clarified what was or wasn’t items you want to accomplish might be home, such as an such as, “I can drop off the
acceptable to do during that during this time. These could office or a bedroom where car at the mechanic today but
time. I’d ask myself, “If I be tasks that need an hour you can shut the door and be won’t get to calling about the
was in an office, would I do or more of uninterrupted out of sight.) health insurance question
this task during the day?” If attention or simply require until tomorrow.”
the answer was no, I knew more-creative, strategic In situations where you
I needed to do the activity thinking than you can achieve may have unexpected When you explain your
before or after office hours. in the office environment. visitors, you’ll need to be limits, you don’t need to do
Household chores, errands, It’s also helpful to shut diplomatic. If a neighbor pops so apologetically. Lay them
and time with friends all down your email during this by, be open for a conversation out factually, having the same
became activities that period—or at least stay away for a few minutes, just as you respect for your time working
needed to happen before from it for an hour at a time. would with a colleague who from home that you would
or after work. Sure, I would Alert colleagues of when stops by your desk. But don’t have if you were on-site.
still field an occasional call you’ll be disconnected so that suggest she comes in for a cup As you consistently com-
from a friend during my they won’t be surprised by a of coffee, or have an extended municate and live by these
lunch break, or if I had an delayed response. discussion. Instead, use a expectations, other people
urgent task like an emer- graceful exit line like “It was will begin to expect them,
gency car repair, I’d make Set boundaries with so wonderful to talk with you, and you’ll find yourself
it happen during the day. others. To make your efforts but I’ve got some work to having more time for focused
But these were exceptions, finish up,” and then set a time work.
not the rule. In setting this stick, be clear with the people to meet up after hours or on a
boundary, I not only created who might see your work- weekend. Or, if your landlord HBR Reprint H03WZ4
dedicated work time but at-home days as simply days says he’d like to stop by to do
also found that I could focus you’re at home. Explain to some repairs, offer a time or Originally published on HBR.org
on personal items guilt-free friends, family, and other day that works best for you September 28, 2017
“after hours.” acquaintances that the days rather than letting him take
you’re working remotely the lead. Elizabeth Grace Saunders is a
Structure your day for suc- aren’t opportunities for non- time management coach and
cess. Maximize the effective- work-related activities. For If you do need to take on the founder of Real Life E Time
example, if you’re home with non-work-related requests Coaching & Speaking. She is
ness of your time at home by your spouse, tell him or her, during the day, set expec- the author of How to Invest
structuring it differently from “I’m planning on being on tations for how much time Your Time Like Money (Harvard
a typical workday. For exam- my computer from 8 AM to you have on the basis of Business Review Press, 2015)
ple, if you work from home 5 PM today. I’m happy to chat what your schedule is like and Divine Time Management:
only one day a week or on oc- at lunch, but other than that in the office. For example, if The Joy of Trusting God’s Loving
casion, make it a meeting-free I’ll be occupied.” Typically, your family asks you to run Plans for You (FaithWords,
day. If you can’t entirely avoid when you set expectations errands, estimate what you 2017).
meetings, reserve at least and stick to them (say, really can do during a lunch hour,
half a day for focused work. stopping at 5 PM), people then commit only to that. For
Choose a time that works best will understand your limits instance, say, “I’m happy to
for you depending on any instead of assuming you’ll be pick up some milk at lunch,
required meetings and your available. (I also recommend but I won’t have time for full-
energy level. having a place where you’re scale grocery shopping until
after work.” Or break down

44 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

3. Winning Support for Flexible Work School of Management and
a coauthor, with Rhona
Rapoport, Joyce Fletcher,
and Bettye Pruitt, of Be-
yond Work-Family Balance:
Advancing Gender Equity
and Workplace Performance
(Jossey-Bass, 2001), has
shown that when people
are given the flexibility they
need, they meet goals more
easily, they’re absent or tardy
less often, and their morale
goes up. By focusing on these
upsides and framing your
request correctly, you greatly
increase your chances of get-
ting approval for an alterna-
tive work arrangement.

PETER FINCH/GETTY IMAGES → by AMY GALLO this doesn’t mean you should bonbons with your friend?” Define what you want.
give up on the idea of work explains Stewart D. Fried-
MANAGEMENT EXPERTS HAVE flexibility. It just means the man, professor of manage- The first step is to figure
onus is on you to propose a ment at the Wharton School out what you are trying to
long predicted the demise of plan that works for you, your and the founding director of accomplish. Spend more
the standard 9-to-5 workday. boss, and your company. the Wharton School’s Leader- time with family? Reduce the
Thanks to internet and mo- ship Program and Wharton’s amount of time you spend at
bile technology, we can now What the Work/Life Integration Project. the office? Remove distrac-
work where and when we Experts Say Even those bosses who trust tions so that you can focus
want, they argue. So, why are their employees worry about on long-term projects? Once
so many people still sticking Before you pursue a flexible appearing to favor certain you’re clear on your goal,
to those traditional hours, schedule, recognize that people or allowing productiv- decide what arrangement
or more likely an extended you are likely to be buck- ity to decline. will best help you achieve
version of them? The reality ing long-held conventions. it—options include having a
is that while flexible work “Traditionally, managers Still, more managers and compressed workweek, job
arrangements have become were reluctant to have people organizations are seeing the sharing, reducing your hours,
more popular, few companies work remotely because of benefits of nontraditional working from home, taking
have an official policy or pro- lack of trust: Are you really schedules. Research from a monthlong sabbatical,
gram. And even fewer man- working, or are you eating Lotte Bailyn, professor of even something as simple
agers are open to or equipped management at MIT’s Sloan as turning off your smart-
to handle employees with phone in the evenings—and
alternative schedules. But consider whether you could
still do your job effectively. Of
course, not every job is suited

45HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

SET BOUNDARIES
QUICK TAKES

for flexibility. Before you provide an out for you and and “equity,” and, in fact, says Friedman. And if it’s
make a proposal, be sure to your boss. Explain that if it many people prefer a tradi- not, be prepared to suggest
understand the impact your doesn’t work, you are willing tional schedule. “You don’t adjustments.
wished-for schedule will have to try a different arrangement give everyone the same thing
on your boss, your team, and or go back to the way things because they don’t want the Principles to
your performance. were. “If things go wrong, same thing,” he says. Remember
one can always go back to the
Next, investigate what original plan, but most such Highlight the benefits Do:
policies, if any, your com- experiments work out very to the organization. Your
pany has and whether there well,” says Bailyn. • Know what you are trying to
is a precedent for flexibility. proposal needs to emphasize accomplish with flexibility
There’s no need to blaze Ask for team input and the organizational benefits before proposing an alterna-
a trail that’s already been support. “Lots of our over the personal ones. tive schedule
blazed. If your company “Whatever you try has to be
doesn’t have a formal policy, research has shown that designed very consciously • Acknowledge the impact
you’ll need to create a pro- flexibility only works to not just be about you or your arrangement will have
posal yourself. when it’s done collectively, your family,” Friedman says. on your boss, your team, and
not one-on-one between “Instead, what you propose your productivity
Design it as an experi- employee and employer,” needs to have the clear goal of
ment. Many managers will says Bailyn. Remember that improving your performance • Start with an experiment,
your team—peers and direct at work and making your boss and be open to adjustments
be hesitant, especially if reports—is affected by your successful.” Demonstrate if it doesn’t work out
your organization does not work schedule, so you need that you have considered the
have established protocols. everyone’s support to make company’s needs and that Don’t:
You can allay their fears by your new arrangement a your new schedule will not be
positioning your proposal as success. Explain what you are disruptive and will actually • Focus exclusively on the ben-
an experiment. “Include a trying to achieve and ask for have positive benefits, such efits to you and your family
trial period so that the boss their input. “Engage them in as improving your productiv-
doesn’t worry that things will the planning and proposal,” ity or increasing your relevant • Assume your team will
fall apart. He or she needs to Bailyn says, and be sure to knowledge. be behind you; you must
be able to see the new way of let your boss know that your incorporate their input and
working, and in our expe- proposal includes your col- Reassess and make suggestions
rience, it quickly becomes leagues’ suggestions. adjustments. After your
evident that it is superior,” • Propose anything as a
says Bailyn. In Friedman’s Involving your team experiment has been in place permanent solution without
book Total Leadership: Be a can help head off another for three or four months, testing it first
Better Leader, Have a Richer common concern of bosses. evaluate its success. Are you
Life (Harvard Business School Some worry that if they reaching your goals? Is the CASE STUDY 1
Press, 2008), he talks about grant one person flexibility, schedule causing problems
nine different types of ex- the floodgates will open and for anyone? Because you’ve Creating a Unique
periments—everything from everyone will want the same designed the arrangement as Job Share
working remotely to delegat- arrangement. This is often a trial, you will want to report
ing—you can use to gently an unfounded fear. Friedman back to your boss. “Get the Julie Rocco was working as
introduce flexibility into your points out that there’s a dif- data to support your produc- a program manager at Ford
work life. Most important, ference between “equality” tivity. Show that it’s working,” Motor Company when she
had her first baby. She knew
she wanted to return after
her maternity leave, but she
didn’t see how she could
work a 12-hours-a-day job
and also be a hands-on mom.

46 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

Start with an experiment, and be open to
adjustments if it doesn’t work out.

So she asked a mentor at Ford common, they would either top-rated executive MBA venated me, and I am more
for advice. The answer was work together or, when things program. However, his energized [at work],” he says.
simple: Take advantage of were exceptionally busy, enrollment would mean
the company’s commitment divide and conquer. “It’s attending a full day of school CASE STUDY 3
to flexible work by crafting our job to be seamless,” they on Friday every other week
a job that suited her. The told their bosses. “We have and on occasional Thursdays Setting the Precedent
mentor suggested she talk the same outlook, the same for two years—more than
to another Julie at Ford, goal, the same vision, the 60 days away from his job Like many young parents,
Julie Levine, about job shar- same work ethic. And you’ll as an automation project Hope O’Reilly and her hus-
ing. Levine, a mother of two, get more from us than one manager. band, Troy, were shocked to
had shared a job before and person could give.” discover how prohibitively
wanted to try it again, not While Bayer has official expensive full-time child-
least because it would give “We said we would be a policies on telecommuting care was, especially in New
her an opportunity to move pilot,” Levine recalls. Not and flextime, special requests York City. After having their
into mainstream project only did Ford’s management like Amit’s are decided on first child, Hope wanted to
development. agree, they put the duo in a case-by-case basis, so he return to her job as director of
charge of one of their most was told to make a formal development at the American
“It’s very much like picking high-profile 2011 launches— proposal. He started by look- Craft Council (ACC), but she
a spouse,” Levine says of the new Ford Explorer. The ing into a similar request a and Troy weren’t sure how
choosing the right job-share experiment was a success: previous employee had made they could swing it finan-
partner. “That person is your They’re now known through- and talking to his boss, who cially. Toward the end of her
eyes and ears when you’re out the company as “the two supported the plan with one maternity leave, the couple
not there.” After checking Julies,” twin dynamos. stipulation: If a conflict ever came up with a plan that
each other out in what they arose, Amit would give prior- would allow them both to
now call “a blind date,” they Both say the job share has ity to work over school. Amit continue working full-time
agreed to pitch themselves made them happier at home agreed and created a pitch, while reducing their need for
as a pair to Ford’s manage- and work, and also more including a detailed expla- childcare: Each person would
ment. The plan was this: Each effective. “One person might nation of the MBA program work from home one day a
would work three days a week work a 12-hour day, go home and his goals in applying, a week, so they would need
overlapping one day—Rocco and collapse, then have to calendar of days he would a sitter only on three days.
on Monday, Wednesday, and do it all again the next day,” be in school and how they They would be available for
Thursday; Levine on Tuesday, Levine explains. “With us, tied into his work schedule, calls and meetings at most
Wednesday, and Friday. They because you have to analyze and a list of benefits to Bayer. hours, work while the baby
deliberately opted against your day and share it with an- “I have the ability to apply napped, and make up for any
splitting the week in half to other brain, when you show knowledge gained at school missed time on their four
avoid “losing momentum” up the next day, you’re ready over the weekend to work days in the office.
during long stretches away. to run.” on Monday,” he told them.
Each evening, save Wednes- The vice president approved Troy was a vice president
day, the person who’d been CASE STUDY 2 his request and wrote a in technology at JPMorgan
in the office would spend an letter endorsing his Wharton Chase, and because the bank
hour and a half on the phone Taking Time Off for application. had flexible work policies
“downloading” the day’s Personal Development in place, he was able to get
events to the one who’d been Amit is now in his fifth approval to work from home
home. And on their days in Amit Desai had been working semester. “I honestly feel that most Mondays rather easily.
at Bayer HealthCare for 11 the MBA challenge has reju- Hope asked her boss at the
years when he decided he ACC if she could work from
wanted to apply to Wharton’s

47HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020

SET BOUNDARIES
QUICK TAKES

home on Fridays but faced 4. Building Work/Life Boundaries
a bigger challenge since no in the WFH Era
one at the organization had
done that before. “There was How to help yourself—and your employees—find time and space to be productive.
absolutely no precedent,” she
says. Her boss was concerned → by NANCY P. ROTHBARD
about whether the mother of
a newborn could really work R E M O T E WO R K US E D to be an internet, smartphones, and meetings alongside family MARIYAN ATANASOV
at home, but Hope reassured option for those employees video- and audio-based members who are also work-
her she could and promised who could convince their conferencing. Yet the tech- ing or learning from home.
to put in extra hours on manager that it was a good nologies that have made Compounding this change
nights and weekends. She idea. All that changed with remote work possible have is the fact that working
acknowledged that it would the arrival of Covid-19. also created a more perme- from home was mandated
be challenging and suggested able boundary between work seemingly overnight for many
they try the arrangement for For many, the transition and family roles. In many knowledge workers, rather
three months, after which to remote work has been cases, employees must attend than a thought-out plan that
they could reevaluate. remarkably smooth, aided to email, Slack, and video employees could adequately
by technologies such as fast
Hope stayed in the job,
working from home on
Fridays, for two years before
moving on to the Bogliasco
Foundation, where she has a
similar arrangement working
a compressed workweek.
She believes that flexibility
garners loyalty in employees.
“When you have flexibility,
you let a lot of other things
slide, such as not getting
raises. What’s more valuable
than time?” she says.

HBR Reprint H006JJ

Originally published on HBR.org
December 1, 2010

Amy Gallo is a contributing
editor at Harvard Business
Review and the author of the
HBR Guide to Dealing with
Conflict at Work (Harvard
Business Review Press, 2017).
She writes and speaks about
workplace dynamics. Follow
her on Twitter: @amyegallo.

48 HBR Special Issue 
Winter 2020