Integrators tend to blur work-family boundaries;
segmentors strive to preserve clear ones.
prepare for or opt into at their tation—are key factors in the My research, conducted likely to experience distrac-
discretion. All of this makes ways we navigate our daily with Tracy Dumas and the tions and interruptions, given
it more difficult to psycho- boundaries. Integrators, late Katherine Phillips, also that they tend to allow work
logically detach and recover as the first example above shows that segmentors are and family activities to coin-
from work, and creates a demonstrates, tend to blur happier and more commit- cide. Segmentors, however,
need to more actively manage work-family boundaries; seg- ted when they have access are often able to focus more
boundaries between work mentors, on the other hand, to flextime, as this allows deeply on whatever task
and family. strive to preserve clear ones. them to block their time in is a priority, because they
a way that preserves a clear preserve a sharper boundary
Much of my research over Generally speaking, there distinction between work between work and home.
the past 20 years looks at are two key dimensions that and family. That said, integrators have
how we form and manage integrators and segmentors an easier time transitioning
boundaries between different have to navigate: time and Space. Integrators tend to between different roles com-
parts of our lives. As many space. Understanding these pared with segmentors—and
knowledge workers and their dimensions will give you an be more comfortable blurring that was true even before
managers face more months idea of which category you spatial boundaries. They are Covid-19.
of remote work, it’s vital to fall in. more apt to work from home,
understand how you and and, when they do work at How, then, do the charac-
your employees navigated Time. Integrators tend to be the office, they’re more likely teristics and needs of both
work-family boundaries in to display pictures of their working styles change when
more traditional office envi- comfortable performing work family members. Indeed, my employees are required to
ronments—and how man- tasks during “family time” research shows that integra- work from home? I see some
datory working from home and doing family tasks during tors are happier and more new challenges both work
affects these approaches. “work time.” They often committed to the organiza- types face today and offer
Only then can you begin work after office hours and tion when they have access some practical ways to ad-
structuring remote work that take care of personal matters, to workplace practices that dress them.
not only is productive but such as paying bills or making bridge the spatial divide, such
honors everyone’s boundar- doctor appointments, during as on-site childcare. Segmen- Integrators and
ies over the long term. work time. A strong integra- tors, however, like to keep Segmentors in the
tor might take work calls in these spaces separate. They Age of Covid-19
Integrators and the evenings when they are sometimes split work and
Segmentors in the at home but also makes sure home by having different cal- Today, segmentors’ strong
Office to show up at a family story endars and even key chains desire to keep their office and
hour at 10 AM, even though for each domain. While family lives separate is almost
Back when you worked at it’s during typical work hours. they are less likely to have a impossible to satisfy while
an office, maybe your family home office to begin with, if working from home. For inte-
dropped by to visit you or you In contrast, segmentors segmentors are required to grators, the sudden and fully
regularly took work home. Or strive to focus on work do so, they’re likely to need immersive blurring of work
you may have tried to sepa- during work hours and on a physical barrier between and home boundaries can be
rate home and family, taking family during family time. work and home, like a room difficult if they’ve never felt
work-related calls at work and A strong segmentor aims to with a door. the need to separate work
family-related calls at home. finish up work calls while at and home in the past but
These preferences—known work, even if it means staying Broadly, these time and might have to now. Here are
as integration and segmen- a bit later, and might only space differences also mean ways that both segmentors
participate in a family story that integrators are more
hour during a lunch break.
49HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
Scheduling virtual “watercooler” time provides an
opportunity for team members to check in with and get to
know one another better.
and integrators—and their especially once you close the always gets their first choice regularly clarifying the goals
managers—need to recon- door of your home office. if schedules and needs vary and tasks team members
sider both time and space. among team members. For need to perform. This can
Integrators, on the other example, a manager could help impose structure on the
Time. Putting boundaries hand, may not need a strict tell the team: work itself; while this doesn’t
schedule. They may be very necessarily affect space
around your time is import- productive working in their “I want to maximize every- considerations overtly, it can
ant regardless of whether you pajamas. But they too need one’s ability to focus—what minimize the stress associ-
are an integrator or a segmen- to set some boundaries times do you think you can ated with blurred boundaries,
tor. This might come easier while working from home. consistently be available?” making shared spaces easier
to segmentors, who crave For example, they should for segmentors to adapt to.
clear boundaries. Integrators deliberately block out time If the schedule is variable,
might have to work harder for important meetings or for ask to do weekly polls to Managers should also be
at this skill by creating more solitary, focused work. Doing optimize the times, but rotate tolerant and encouraging of
schedules and routines. so might involve rearrang- them to make sure that one integrators working in a way
ing their schedule to align team member is not always that suits their individual
In particular, sticking with those of their family getting their last choice. needs and preferences. If
to a schedule of predeter- members. an integrator shows up at
mined working hours will be Space. Whether you are an a virtual meeting but has
important for segmentors to Managers’ behaviors to check on a child or other
feel in control of their work toward employees also need integrator or a segmentor, you family member, recognize
life, especially when they are to change when it comes to need to select your work- that it is important for that
surrounded by the reminders time. For example, a seg- from-home space carefully— employee to bring their whole
of family when working from mentor might have a boss but where you set up shop may self to work. They will be
home. However, it’s still im- who expected emails to be be different. Integrators more satisfied and committed
portant to recognize that any answered in off-hours before may be comfortable setting to the organization if they can
predetermined schedule may the pandemic. Now that boss up their home office some- display this side of them-
need to be modified on the may want to escalate those where central, like the kitchen selves and know that it will be
basis of your responsibilities interactions into video calls at or dining room, where they welcomed.
in caring for family members. all hours, while the segmen- can keep an eye on what is
Negotiating “work” hours tor would prefer an audio call happening with family mem- How Work-from-
with your family and your or an email exchange so that bers. However, as I mentioned Home Norms Could
coworkers—and sticking to aspects of their home life re- above, segmentors should Change Due to
them—will help you stay on main sacrosanct. A manager choose a room with a door, Covid-19
track and feel better about who is an integrator may not if possible. They should also
working from home. be able to easily recognize the pay attention to what home- Keep in mind one of the
segmentor’s concern; as a re- related items are in their office most unique aspects of the
A second technique that sult, they need to learn what and consider moving them to pandemic’s mandatory
may help segmentors fulfill routines will help each team another room so that family work-from-home restrictions:
their need for a clear bound- member perform at their best. members don’t need to come There is little to no divide
ary is to dress for work. This in and look for items while between people working in
might look more like a casual One way a leader can do they are working. the office and those working
Friday in the office, not this is by asking people about remotely. At many compa-
pajamas and sweats. This will their preference for meeting Managers can help seg- nies, a majority of people are
help you separate and feel times and modalities, under- mentors gain more control of
like you are “going to work,” standing that not everyone their boundary challenges by
50 HBR Special Issue
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SET BOUNDARIES
QUICK TAKES
doing the latter. This has a something we know segmen- the boundaries when put to work makes clear communi-
number of advantages. tors in particular appreciate. the test, finding ways to use cation and regular check-ins
segmenting strategies to be even more important. What’s
First, managers aren’t mak- At the same time, the ex- more effective while work- more, the virtual watercooler
ing assumptions about why treme blurring of the bound- ing from home. Under these becomes even more crucial
people want to work from aries in the Covid-19 world extreme conditions, both for forming and preserving
home, which in the past could may further push societal integrators and segmentors relationships.
result in biased conclusions views—particularly those might gain deeper perspective
about someone’s commit- stemming from the Industrial and broader skills over time. While Covid-19 presents
ment to the organization. Revolution ethos of work- us with a crisis, exacerbating
Second, employees’ concerns home separation—toward We’re still learning which the challenge of the permea-
about missing out and being a norm of integration. Kids nonwork topics are becoming bility of work-family bound-
overlooked may be lessened interrupting a work conversa- more acceptable and which aries, it also allows us to think
and equalized, because no tion may become less taboo. may be off-limits, as well more systematically about
one is in the office. Hence, Having a window into the as what the implications of how we approach workplace
there is less FOMO. home lives of one’s coworkers working from home are for flexibility and remote work.
may become not only accept- team building and authen- Now is the time to learn
However, this also means able but even expected. ticity more broadly. As you more about your own integra-
that managers and employees and your team and company tor and segmentor tendencies
have to work more intention- There are potential costs begin to identify and explore and those of your team. By
ally to build and maintain and benefits to this. On the these issues, question why understanding how everyone
relationships. Scheduling one hand, team members certain things feel more works best from home, lead-
virtual “watercooler” time who are different from their appropriate than others. As ers can turn this unexpected
provides an opportunity for coworkers—racially, socio- this forced officeless life has crisis into opportunity as we
team members to check in economically, or along other shown us, some assumptions develop new and better ways
with and get to know one identity-related dimensions— many have made about work of working in the future.
another better. Informal might find this increased and family separation have
bonding and relationships transparency challenging. proved to be without merit. HBR Reprint BG2004
help fuel better commu- On the other hand, and with
nication and allow people organizational support, this Finally, as many workers Originally published on HBR.org
to interpret one another's may help these diverse team transition back to the office in July 15, 2020
meaning better when they members find strategies for fits and starts, some of these
are communicating while revealing aspects of their cul- dynamics will persist while Nancy P. Rothbard is the David
physically apart. tural background that allow others will change. Segmen- Pottruck Professor and chair of
their teammates to connect tors, seeking to reestablish the management department at
The Covid-19 crisis also with them better. the boundaries between work the Wharton School, University
has caused many managers and home, may embrace a of Pennsylvania. She studies
and organizations to expand Further, this window into move back to the office more how people navigate the bound-
their definitions of what our home lives may also quickly than integrators. aries between their personal
types of jobs can be done help segmentors build a Managers should be aware, and professional lives and how
remotely. This may lead to greater tolerance for family however, that what happens technology is changing the way
more managers being open intrusions, from both their in the office also needs to be we work.
to work-from-home options, own family and that of their regularly communicated with
creating the opportunity for colleagues. Integrators may those who are still at home.
many workers to increase develop new limits to how This hybrid form of remote
their flexibility in the future— much they are willing to blur
51HBR Special Issue
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QUICK TAKES
5. The Downside of Flextime
→ by MAURA THOMAS
R E M O T E WO R K , E S P E C I A L LY in If everyone on your team every industry and not for most dedicated employees to LAURENCE DUTTON/GETTY IMAGES
a world affected by Covid-19, is working different hours, everyone in any industry. But consider other offers.
naturally leads to “flex- you may be getting emails once this takes root in your
time.” Employees with small and messages at all hours of company culture, it becomes I’ve been helping clients
children might be getting the the day, night, or weekend— difficult, if not impossible, implement policies that
majority of their work done at which can quickly create an to “reset” later. And “al- prevent this for years, but it’s
night after the kids are in bed. always-available, or “always ways on” isn’t sustainable. even more important now
Others are working early and on,” environment. That might It increases pressure and that employees are suddenly
hoping to have their workday be necessary in some indus- quickly turns your company thrust, unprepared, into this
end early. Still others are start- tries during these challenging into an unpleasant place to unfamiliar work situation. So
ing late and working late. times, but certainly not in work. It might cause even the how can you accommodate
your employees’ needs while
52 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
Once an always-available environment takes root in
your company culture, it becomes difficult to “reset” later.
Communication Guidelines Address the problem cation channel should be used
head-on. First, explicitly ac- in which situation. You should
Type of During Outside continue to practice and
communication communication communication knowledge the problem and enforce these guidelines even
hours hours emphasize the importance after stay-at-home orders are
Email of downtime. This can be lifted and people come back
Routine requests, Hold or use done in a “virtual town hall,” to the office. For example,
which is a useful practice to email should never be used
information sharing “scheduled send” keep everyone connected if for urgent or time-sensitive
your team is remote. These communication. This treats
Team communication Project-related Set to “do not can be live or recorded email as a “synchronous”
disturb” messages from the CEO and communication channel, and
tools (Slack, Teams, communication, senior leadership. I recom- it can never be that. No one is
mend making these leader- capable of monitoring every
and so forth) socializing ship communications on a message in real time, and
regular basis and repeating attempting it is an exercise
Phone, video call Relationship Time-sensitive or the importance of downtime in futility and a sure path to
frequently for reinforcement. stress, overload, and eventu-
building, sensitive or urgent only The message can be some- ally burnout. The classic I Love
thing like this: “We believe Lucy clip of Lucy and Ethel
complex topics that downtime is important, at the chocolate factory illus-
and we recommend that you trates this problem perfectly.
Text message Time-sensitive or Time-sensitive or track the hours you spend
urgent only urgent only working and limit those to If you ever use email to
roughly 40 hours a week. communicate urgent and
still protecting your culture channels like email, Slack, Depending on your role, time-sensitive communica-
and your team’s work/life bal- instant messenger, and so there may be times when tion, you’ll force your team
ance? The key is to embrace forth. The act of having to call more hours are required, but to have to check every new
and encourage flextime while or text someone is usually we expect and encourage message as it arrives, which
also defining clear commu- enough to give the sender a you to balance busier times is every few minutes for most
nication hours (for example, pause to think, “Do I really with intermittently lighter people. This not only prevents
8 AM to 6 PM). Outside those need this person now, or can schedules.” downtime but also prevents
hours, employees should be the communication wait?” your team from applying
encouraged to change their This allows everyone on your It may be tempting to re- themselves to their important
settings to “do not disturb” team to work whenever it’s frain from giving this implicit work in a thoughtful, undis-
and to use their email’s appropriate for them but not instruction, especially if your tracted way. I bet everyone
“schedule send” feature so feel like they have to work organization is negatively im- on your team has work that
that messages get delivered all the time to accommodate pacted by the pandemic. But it requires more than a few min-
only during communication everyone else’s schedule. will have a positive impact on utes of sustained attention!
hours. These challenging times don’t your culture in the long term.
make downtime any less These communication
If any correspondence important. In fact, your team Provide guidelines for guidelines should take the
must happen outside the set won’t handle the increased communication channels. established “communication
communication hours, such stress well without appropri- hours” into consideration.
as for urgent or time-sensitive ate downtime. Second, establish clear guide- The above chart is an example
issues, make them phone or lines about which communi-
text only. This way people Here’s how to improve the
can comfortably close down odds of success when imple-
all other communication menting this policy:
53HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
SET BOUNDARIES
QUICK TAKES
to get you started. You should isn’t really a policy at all. 6. Nine Practices to
ensure you have a complete When leaders don’t follow a Help You Say No
inventory of all the ways your policy, it erodes the trust, and
team communicates both therefore the culture, in an → by PETER BREGMAN
internally and externally, organization, because then
and adjust your guidelines you end up with “the official IRENE* IS A GREAT COLLEAGUE. she’s spending her very lim- TWOMEOWS/GETTY IMAGES
accordingly. policy” and “the way every- ited time and already-taxed
one actually behaves.” A senior manager in a large energy on other people’s
Use technology to your consulting firm, she pitches priorities while her own
advantage. Consider With businesses thrust into in when the workload gets priorities fall to the wayside.
a new reality they didn’t plan heavy, covers for people I have experienced the same
technology solutions to help for, it’s easy for unintended when they’re sick, and stays thing myself. So, over time,
reinforce your desired be- results to erode company late when needed, which I experimented with a num-
havior, such as programming culture. If specific attention is often. She’s also a leader, ber of ways to strengthen
the corporate server so that isn’t given to the characteris- serving on boards and raising my “no.”
even if emails are sent outside tics and consequences of the money at charity auctions.
communication hours, they new reality, those unintended She tries to be home for her Here are the nine practices
aren’t delivered until the results will have detrimen- kids at dinnertime but often I shared with Irene to help her
designated times. Check if tal effects that could last a works into the night after say a strategic no in order to
your team collaboration tools long time. It’s not too late to they’ve gone to sleep, that is, create space in her life for a
have “global settings” so that implement policies that will on nights when she’s not at a more intentional yes.
everyone is automatically benefit your team’s work/life business dinner.
set to the “do not disturb” balance while also protecting 1. Know your no. Identify
mode outside the designated your organization’s culture. But if you catch her in a
communication hours. moment of honesty, you’ll what’s important to you and
HBR Reprint H05MER find out that she doesn’t acknowledge what’s not. If
Model the desired behav- feel so great. In fact, she’s you don’t know where you
ior. And finally, leaders must Originally published on HBR.org exhausted. want to spend your time, you
May 14, 2020 won’t know where you don’t
model the behavior or else Irene can’t say no. And want to spend your time.
it will never work. Anyone Maura Thomas is an because she can’t say no,
in the organization who award-winning international
manages others should work speaker and trainer on individ-
hard to follow the guidelines ual and corporate productivity,
themselves, and also reward attention management, and
and discourage behaviors work/life balance. She is a TEDx
accordingly. For example, speaker, the founder of Regain
saying, “Thanks for being so Your Time, and the author of
responsive” to someone who Personal Productivity Secrets
answers an email outside (Wiley, 2012), Work Without
the defined communication Walls (Burget Ave Press, 2017),
hours sends a mixed mes- and Attention Management
sage and will undermine the (Simple Truths, 2019). She is fre-
guidelines. Any “policy” that quently featured in major busi-
isn’t followed by leadership ness outlets and was named a
2018 Top Leadership Speaker
in Inc. magazine. Follow her on
Twitter: @mnthomas.
54 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
The particulars of your reason for saying no don’t
matter as much as having a reason does.
Before you can say no with strengths. Be honest about boss who tends to make the still doing great work and
confidence, you have to be why you’re saying no. requests, agree up-front with she’s still valued by her boss
clear that you want to say her about where you should and coworkers, but they’ve
no. All the other steps follow 5. Be as resolute as they be spending your time. Then, noticed the difference too,
this one. are pushy. Some people when the requests come in, she told me. And not all of it
you can refer to your earlier is positive.
2. Be appreciative. It’s don’t give up easily. That’s conversation.
their prerogative. But without They’re respecting her
almost never an insult when violating any of the rules 8. Be prepared to miss out. boundaries—they don’t
people make requests of you. above, give yourself permis- even seem to resent her for
They’re asking for your help sion to be just as pushy as Some of us have a hard time them—but she’s had to give
because they trust you and they are. They’ll respect you saying no because we hate up something she never knew
they believe in your capabili- for it. You can make light of to miss an opportunity. And was important to her: her
ties to help. So thank them for it if you want: “I know you saying no always leads to a sense of herself as someone
thinking of you or making the don’t give up easily—but missed opportunity. But it’s who could do it all. It’s been
request or invitation. Don’t neither do I. I’m getting better not just a missed opportu- hard for her to feel as valued
worry—this doesn’t need to at saying no.” nity; it’s a trade-off. Remind and necessary as she did
lead to a yes. yourself that when you’re when she always said yes.
6. Practice. Choose some saying no to the request, you
3. Say no to the request, are simultaneously saying “Would you rather go back
not the person. You’re not easy, low-risk situations in yes to something you value to saying yes all the time?”
which to practice saying no. more than the request. Both I asked her.
rejecting the person, just Say no when a waiter offers are opportunities. You’re just
declining his invitation. you dessert. Say no when choosing one over the other. She answered me with a
So make that clear. Let him someone tries to sell you very well-practiced “no.”
know what you respect something on the street. Go 9. Gather your courage. If
about him—maybe you ad- into a room by yourself, shut HBR Reprint H00A5R
mire the work he’s doing, the door, and say no out loud you are used to saying yes,
or recognize his passion or 10 times. It sounds crazy, it will take courage to say Originally published on HBR.org
generosity. Maybe you but building your no muscle no, especially if the person February 15, 2013
would love to meet for helps. asking doesn’t give up easily.
lunch. Don’t fake this—even You may feel like you’re a *Name and some details
if you don’t like the person 7. Establish a preemp- bad friend or letting some- changed.
making the request, simply tive no. We all have certain one down or not living up
being polite and kind will to expectations. Maybe you Peter Bregman coaches CEOs
communicate that you aren’t people in our lives who tend imagine that you’ll be seen and senior leaders in many of
rejecting him. to make repeated, some- or talked about in a negative the world’s premier organiza-
times burdensome requests light. Those things might be tions and has been recognized
4. Explain why. The particu- of us. In those cases, it’s the cost of reclaiming your as the number one coach in
better to say no before the life. You’ll need courage to the world by Leading Global
lars of your reason for saying request even comes in. Let put up with them. Coaches. He is the best-selling
no don’t matter as much as that person know that you’re author and contributor of 17
having a reason does. Maybe hyperfocused on a couple of After Irene tried these books, including his most
you’re too busy. Maybe you things in your life and trying practices, she started work- recent book, Leading with Emo-
don’t feel like what they’re to reduce your obligations ing less and spending more tional Courage: How to Have
asking you to do plays to your in all other areas. If it’s your time with her kids. She’s Hard Conversations, Create
Accountability, and Inspire
Action on Your Most Important
Work (Wiley, 2018).
55HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
7. Why You Need an Untouchable world, then your value is
Day Every Week diminishing fast.
→ by NEIL PASRICHA I used to be one of those
“wake up at 4 AM” or “keep
I H AT E M E E T I N GS . They sit to strike out on my own as an meeting planner to clarify chugging ’til 4 AM” guys who PM IMAGES/GETTY IMAGES
subconsciously in my brain, author and keynote speaker, goals and logistics for the grinds away at work for hours
taking up space. I prepare I thought my days full of event. while everybody else sleeps.
for them in my notebooks. meetings were behind me. It’s how I wrote a thousand
I travel to them, and then Meetings never really go blog posts in a thousand days.
back again, in the middle of But I was wrong. away. But the real problem But I now understand that
my workdays. And what do I now have research calls is that I’m now measured you can drive in the express
most meetings usually result and phone interviews, almost solely on my creative lane for only so long before
in? You guessed it—more lunches with literary agents output. And there’s no time the wheels come off.
meetings. and web developers, confer- for it. It’s not just me, either.
ence calls about book titles As our world gets busier and I’m no longer that guy.
When I worked as director and publishing schedules, and our phones get beepier, cre- Now when I get home after
of leadership development at radio interviews and media ative output has become work, I soak in the time with
Walmart, my days were full of prep calls. And before every a scarce resource. If you’re my wife and two little boys.
meetings. Everybody’s were! speech I give, there’s always not putting something new Nothing is or will ever be as
And when I quit two years ago a meeting with the client and and beautiful out into the precious to me, and I resist
insight from anyone who
isn’t making space for loved
ones. I realized that what I
needed was a practical way to
get more work done without
taking more time. And, to be
honest, I needed it fast. Why?
Because in my first year as a
full-time author, my produc-
tivity actually started to
slip—even though I had quit
my full-time job. It wasn’t
just disheartening; it was
also embarrassing. “So how’s
the new book coming?” “Oh,
now that I quit my job?
Terribly!”
I finally found a solution
that has saved my career, my
time, and my sanity. I call it
“Untouchable Days.” These
are days when I am literally
100% unreachable in any
way…by anyone.
56 HBR Special Issue
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Untouchable Days has calls, too. My cell phone is more comfortable with zero new work space. Or, in the
become my secret weapon to in airplane mode all day. My contact throughout the day. airport, leaving voice mails for
getting back on track. They’re laptop has Wi-Fi completely my parents and close friends,
when I complete my most disabled. Not a single thing What Do telling them I love them. It
creative and rewarding work. can bother me…and not a Untouchable Days works every time, and I get
To share a rough comparison, single thing does. Look Like Up Close? back to work quickly because,
on a day when I write be- let’s be honest, nobody ever
tween meetings, I’ll produce What About I think of them as having two answers their phone.
maybe 500 words a day. On Emergencies? components. There is the
an Untouchable Day, it’s not deep creative work. When So what happens if the
unusual for me to write 5,000 The short answer is that you’re in the zone, you’re in bulletproof car does get
words. On these days, I’m 10 there rarely are any. The long a state of flow, and the big bumped? Say I get an incred-
times more productive. answer is when my wife asked project you’re working on is ible speaking invite or some-
me about emergencies, she getting accomplished step by body much more important
How Do I Carve Out didn’t love my rant about how step by step. And then there than me only has this one day
Untouchable Days? back in the day, nobody had are the nitros—little blasts of to get together. Red alert: The
cell phones and we were all fuel you can use to prime your Untouchable Day is under
I look at my calendar 16 unreachable at times. As a own pump if you hit a wall. threat. What do I do?
weeks ahead of time, and compromise, when I started These unproductive moments
for each week, I block out an scheduling Untouchable Days, of frustration happen to all of I have a simple rule. Un-
entire day as UNTOUCHABLE. I told her that I’d open the us, and it’s less important to touchable Days may never be
I put it in all-caps just like door of my bulletproof car avoid them than to simply deleted, but they can move be-
that, too. for an hour at lunchtime. have a mental tool kit you can tween the bowling-lane bum-
When I did, I came face-to- whip out when they happen. pers of the weekends. They
Why 16 weeks ahead? face with the whizzing bullets What are my tools? Heading can’t jump weeks, though.
The number of weeks isn’t of 17 text messages, dozens of to the gym for a workout. They are more important than
as important as the thinking urgent-sounding emails, and Grabbing a pack of almonds. anything else I am doing, so
behind it. For me, at that endless robot-generated alerts Going on a nature walk. After if they have to move from a
point, my speaking schedule and feeds—and precisely all, Thoreau said, “I believe Wednesday to a Thursday or
is locked in, but nothing else. zero emergencies from my that there is a subtle mag- Friday, that’s fine—even if I
That’s a magic moment in my wife. So after a few months, netism in Nature, which, if have to move four meetings
schedule. It’s the perfect time we stopped doing that and we unconsciously yield to to make room. The beauty of
to plant the Untouchable Day instead I started telling her it, will direct us aright.” And this approach is that when you
flag before anything else can where I’d be. That gave her Hemingway stated, “I would plant the Untouchable Day flag
claim that spot. peace of mind that if some- walk along the quais when I on your calendar, it really does
thing horrible happened, finished work or when I was feel permanent in your mind.
On the actual Untouchable she could call the place I was trying to think something out. You start feeling the creative
Day itself, I picture myself working or simply drive over It was easier to think if I was high you’ll get from such deep
sitting in a bulletproof car and find me as a last resort. walking and doing something output as soon as you start
surrounded by two inches of or seeing people doing some- booking them in.
thick, impenetrable plastic I’ve now pulled off Un- thing that they understood.”
on all sides. Nothing gets in. touchable Days for a year. What else? Meditating for 10 Before I started using
Nothing gets out. Meetings Nothing horrible has ever hap- minutes. Or switching to a Untouchable Days, I treaded
bounce off the windshield. pened, and we’ve both grown water—I wrote articles, I gave
Texts, alerts, and phone speeches. But something was
missing. When I implemented
57HBR Special Issue
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Untouchable Days in 2017, 8. What to Do When Always Personal: Navigating
magic happened. I wrote a Personal Crisis Emotion in the New Work-
a 50,000-word memoir, Is Hurting Your place (Random House, 2011).
wrote and launched a new Professional Life But knowing you’re in good
60-minute keynote speech, company is not necessarily
drafted book proposals for my → by AMY GALLO a comfort, especially if you’re
next three books, and com- struggling to stay on top of
pletely planned and began AT S O M E P O I N T, we all con- colleagues? How do you ask your responsibilities at home ISSARA WILLENSKOMER/UNSPLASH
recording my new podcast— front a stressful life event or for what you need, such as and work. If you’ve reached
all while traveling and giving personal crisis that threatens flexible hours or a reduced the point where you say to
more speeches than I ever to distract us from work. workload? And how do you yourself, “I can’t get my job
had before. Perhaps it’s tending to a sick know if you should take a done,” it may be time to ask
family member, coping with leave of absence? for help, says Jane Dutton,
With a year of Untouchable your own illness, or dealing a professor at the University
Days under my belt, do I still with a divorce. These are all What the of Michigan’s Ross School of
go through the exercise of incredibly tough situations Experts Say Business and coauthor, with
scheduling one Untouchable to navigate personally—let Jane E. Dutton, of Awakening
Day every single week? alone professionally. Should “This is life, and these things Compassion at Work: The
you disclose what’s hap- happen to everybody,” says Quiet Power That Elevates
The honest answer is no. pening to your manager and Anne Kreamer, author of It’s People and Organizations
Now I schedule two. (Berrett-Koehler, 2017).
Here’s some advice on how
HBR Reprint H0479C to navigate work when
you’re having a personal
Originally published on HBR.org crisis.
March 16, 2018
Decide what you need.
Neil Pasricha thinks, writes,
and speaks about intentional First, take stock of the
living. He is the New York Times resources you have at hand
best-selling author of seven “both inside and outside the
books, including The Book of organization” to help you
Awesome (G.P. Putnam’s Sons, through this crisis, Dutton
2001), The Happiness Equation says. Could friends or family
(G.P. Putnam’s Sons, 2016), pitch in? Could team mem-
and You Are Awesome (Gallery bers cover some of your
Books, 2019). His books have responsibilities in the short
sold more than a million copies term? What you need may
and have spent more than 200 not be huge. “It might be as
weeks on best-seller lists. He simple as leaving work early
hosts the award-winning pod- on Fridays for a month,” Dut-
cast 3 Books with Neil Pasricha, ton says. The key is to figure
where he’s been on a 15-year- out what will help ease the
long quest to uncover the 1,000 pressure.
most formative books in the
world, and gives more than
50 keynote speeches a year
at places such as TED, SXSW,
and Shopify.
58 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
When you allow coworkers to discover more about
your personal life, they are more motivated to meet your needs.
Consider how important life, they are more motivated “Right now, it helps my sanity able doing so. If you have a
privacy is to you. Before to meet your needs. “If the to stay focused on work. Is it very close relationship, tell
situation is interfering with OK with you if we talk about her first and brainstorm ideas
you ask for help, however, your ability to complete your the project instead?” for reducing or covering your
consider how much you’re job, your coworkers may workload. But, in most cases,
comfortable sharing. “This already realize something is Ask for specific help. Kreamer says, it’s best to talk
has to be an individual amiss, and in that case you to your manager when you
choice,” Kreamer says. are better off letting them in “Ideally, when you share the already “have some notion
“There are many different on what is going on,” Hardin news, your colleagues will of how you intend to handle
reasons people choose to explains. You can also give say: ‘I’m going to do such- the problem.” Run a tenta-
maintain their privacy,” permission to your close col- and-such for you. Are you tive plan by your manager,
especially about illnesses that leagues to share your circum- cool with that?’” Kreamer outlining the time period
carry a stigma. Uncertainty stances with other coworkers says. But if your coworkers you expect to be absent or
about your standing in the or- if it is too difficult for you aren’t forthcoming about working less, the colleagues
ganization is another reason to tell them directly. “This offering help, ask for it explic- who might step up for you,
to be afraid, she adds. Dutton type of indirect disclosure itly. And be thoughtful about and whether you’ve already
agrees, noting that, in some can open up a space for your how you frame your request. discussed that possibility
cases, “it can be dangerous to teammates to brainstorm Research by Wayne Baker, a with them. Then ask for your
disclose your situation.” She ways to help you,” Hardin professor at the Ross School boss’s input.
suggests assessing the risks adds. of Business, shows that
with questions like: What how you frame your appeal Do what’s right for you.
kind of culture am I in? Are Set boundaries. You don’t strongly influences whether
there formal procedures for someone will agree to it. He There is no right answer
handling this? Do I need to go need to explain your situa- recommends making the re- when handling a crisis situa-
to HR, or are there people in tion in agonizing detail with quest specific and describing tion. Some people might find
my unit who can be helpful? everyone. Set boundaries for why the help is meaningful to comfort in coming to work
Are they going to treat me yourself and for others. You you: “[We] often assume that every day. Kreamer did that
humanely, or do I need to can turn to close colleagues the importance of a request is when she was dealing with
think about how to protect for the more personal con- obvious, but it rarely is.” And three family deaths—her
myself ? versations, but keep in mind as with any request you make parents and a grandmother—
that “most people don’t want at work, give a deadline. You within six months. “I was
It’s often better to share if to know every detail of your could say, “I’d love your help overwhelmed by the tsunami
you feel OK doing so and you parent’s chemotherapy. They over the next two weeks of death, and work was very
believe that it’s safe to share. want to know the pertinent while I’m out caring for my much a solace for me,” she
“We’ve been encouraged to information and how it’s go- mother. Would you be able says. “Work is often an anti-
keep the boundaries between ing to affect them,” Kreamer to complete the report we’ve dote, a space where you
private and professional says. Also, it can be tough to been working on? It would can forget about what’s
distinct, but that’s not always answer lots of questions and free up my mind to focus on happening and operate as a
helpful,” Kreamer says. In rehash the details of a sad what I need to do at home.” functioning adult rather than
fact, research by Ashley Har- situation, so don’t be afraid feeling helpless in the face
din, a professor at Washing- to redirect the conversation Approach your boss. It’s of these events.” For others,
ton University’s Olin Business back to work if a coworker it might be better to take
School, shows that when you continually inquires about also a good idea to loop your an official leave of absence.
allow coworkers to discover the details. You might say: boss into what’s happening, “When you believe that you
more about your personal assuming you feel comfort-
59HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
If your coworkers aren’t forthcoming about
offering help, ask for it explicitly.
won’t be able to function • Share every detail of your some cried openly in the of- organization for the elderly,
at the caliber that your job situation; tell coworkers fice,” she recalls. And “many she learned that her father
requires of you, it may be only the details that are had questions about how the had six to 18 months to live.
better to remove yourself pertinent to them kids were coping, my support Looking at the company’s va-
from that situation for a time system at home, and how I cation policies, and thinking
to recharge your batteries,” • Assume that it will be was doing in the aftermath of of how often she would have
Kreamer says. “When you painful to continue working such a sudden, unexpected to travel to her parents’ town,
push forward and don’t allow during this time—some- death.” eight hours away, she didn’t
yourself to feel the grief, you times going to the office can know how she could make
don’t recover as quickly.” be a comfort Her response was inten- it work.
Facebook is leading the way tionally measured. “I didn’t
in offering generous bereave- CASE STUDY 1 want to totally shut down the Because she didn’t know
ment leave, in the wake of conversation, but to limit un- her prospective boss very
COO Sheryl Sandberg’s losing Reassure Coworkers and necessary chatter and main- well, Jisella was hesitant to
her husband, but not all com- Maintain Boundaries tain my own composure as a share her situation with him.
panies offer paid leave, so leader, I told colleagues that “He was basically a stranger
there are financial and career When Keisha Blair, cofounder if they wanted to come talk, to me. I had no sense of how
implications to consider. Still, of the career resource plat- they should feel free to do so he would respond to my
even a short leave—just a form Aspire-Canada, was 31, in private. This way I could story,” she explains.
few weeks—might be enough her husband passed away gauge how much a particular
time. suddenly from a rare disease, employee was affected and She assumed that Home
eight weeks after she’d given also manage my response,” Instead wouldn’t allow extra
Principles to birth to their second child. she says. time and “didn’t want to ask
Remember for special favors, especially
At the time, she was She also made it clear that as a new employee.” But
Do: managing a team of six policy there were some things she it was her dream job, so
analysts in the Canadian wouldn’t talk about. These she decided to explain the
• Determine what type of government. The immediate boundaries helped make situation. “I had to be honest
support you need—at home response from her boss and sure these conversations about how it might impact
and at work coworkers was caring. “They didn’t intensify her grief. If my ability” to do the job, she
were very supportive during employees needed additional says. She was clear that she
• Tell your colleagues what’s my time of grief,” she recalls. help, she referred them to would need to leave work
happening so that they Although everyone had been the employee assistance early on Fridays to travel to
feel compassion for your expecting her back from program. see her parents and probably
situation maternity leave, they assured take calls from her mother
her that she could take off Looking back, Keisha is during her workday.
• Make clear, specific requests additional time should she proud of how she handled
of your coworkers and boss need it, and she took them herself during this time: “I Jisella’s soon-to-be boss
so that they know how they up on the offer, staying out 10 became known as a strong surprised her. “They ac-
can help you months. and resilient leader.” knowledged and honored the
position I was in and shared
Don’t: But the situation was CASE STUDY 2 that they would work with
still challenging when she me” on a solution. She was
• Feel you have to tell every- returned. “I could see that my Ask for What You Need still expected to work hard.
one directly—it’s OK to ask story had really affected my But, even when an emer-
close colleagues to explain colleagues,” she explains. On The day that Jisella Dolan re- gency with her dad forced her
to others what’s going on her first day back, “there was ceived a job offer from Home
an outpouring of emotions; Instead, an in-home care
60 HBR Special Issue
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to leave an important meet- email when she wasn’t. “I let 9. Are the People Who
ing, no one questioned it. them know what was hap- Take Vacations the Ones
pening, what my plans were, Who Get Promoted?
The experience “bred and what they could or could
instant loyalty to the orga- not expect from me during → by SHAWN ACHOR
nization,” she adds. Their my time out. It was such a
ANDREW NGUYEN “willingness to accommodate critical time for the business, T O O M A N Y P E O P L E limit their is one of the most robust ex-
my needs made me more so I told them that I needed happiness and success by aminations of how vacations
passionate about doing good to be there for my kids and assuming that taking time affect companies and em-
work for them.” that I may not be as ‘present’ off from work will send a ployees alike. Their analysis
physically or in meetings, negative message to their has found that Americans are
Jisella’s father passed away and I asked for their under- manager and slow their taking less vacation time than
six months after she accepted standing.” When she wasn’t career advancement. But new at any point in the past four
her job. Ten years later, she is comfortable talking with research says that the exact decades. Why? According to
still at Home Instead and now someone directly, she wrote opposite is true. Taking a Gary Oster, managing director
serves as its chief advocacy them an email. vacation can actually increase of Project: Time Off, “Many
officer. the likelihood of getting a people don’t take time off
Jacqueline will never raise or a promotion. because they think that it will
CASE STUDY 3 forget the support she ex- negatively impact their man-
perienced while working at For the past two years, I’ve ager’s perception of them.
Make Your Plans Clear Harry & David. been partnering with the U.S. But, that isn’t the case at all.”
Travel Association to promote
Several years ago, when Jac- She is now president of the business case for taking If you or someone you
queline Ardrey was working Cold Brew Kitchen, a supplier time off from work. Their new know needs to be convinced
as a senior merchandising of coffee products. “I offer initiative, Project: Time Off, to use your vacation time,
and supply chain executive my team incredibly flexible
for Harry & David, she expe- schedules so that they can
rienced a series of tragedies. navigate their lives and goals.
First, her daughters’ stepsis- This event definitely had an
ters were killed in an acci- impact on that decision,”
dent. And then her mother she says.
died suddenly, leaving behind
her ill father. HBR Reprint H040YH
Her boss, colleagues, and Originally published on HBR.org
team couldn’t have been November 16, 2017
more supportive. Even
Harry & David’s CEO called Amy Gallo is a contributing
her after he heard about what editor at Harvard Business Re-
happened and asked what view and the author of the HBR
she needed. She asked if she Guide to Dealing with Conflict
could temporarily have Fri- at Work (Harvard Business
days or Mondays off, and he Review Press, 2017). She writes
agreed without question. and speaks about workplace
dynamics. Follow her on Twitter:
But she made sure to @amyegallo.
stay in close touch with her
team, in person when she
was at the office and through
61HBR Special Issue
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Smart vacations lead to greater happiness and energy at
work, and therefore greater productivity, intelligence, and resilience.
here’s a list of reasons it just But not all vacations are motivate managers to talk gives everyone license to ben-
makes good business sense: created equally. Consider to their employees about efit from time off. Once the
research that shows that the using more vacation days, social script allows it, your
Taking a vacation in- average vacation yields no the top benefit was increased decision to become happier
creases your chances of improvement in people’s personal happiness (31%), fol- becomes much easier.
getting a raise or promo- levels of energy or happiness lowed by productivity (21%).
tion. According to Project: upon returning to work. In Why does happiness win out? Start changing the conver-
these cases, it wasn’t the time Because most managers un- sation in your own company
Time Off, people who take away that caused the negative derstand that happy employ- right now simply by sharing
all their vacation time have a or neutral impact; it was the ees are more productive and this research. Then, start
6.5% higher chance of getting travel stress. In a study of collaborative. planning your next vacation.
a promotion or a raise than more than 400 travelers from It’s good for you, and your
people who leave 11 or more around the world, Michelle Not taking time off means career.
days of paid time off on the Gielan from the Institute for giving yourself a pay cut.
table. That percentage may Applied Positive Research and HBR Reprint H024ON
sound small (and it is a cor- I found a strong negative cor- There’s no research neces-
relation versus a causation), relation between travel stress sary for this one; it’s just Originally published on HBR.org
but it is the polar opposite of and happiness. However, we simple economics. If you’re June 12, 2015
the idea that staying at work also found that 94% of vaca- a salaried employee and paid
might mean getting ahead. It tions result in higher levels of vacation is part of your com- Shawn Achor is the New York
simply doesn’t. happiness and energy if you pensation package, you’re Times best-selling author of Big
(1) plan a month in advance essentially taking a voluntary Potential: How Transforming the
A positive, engaged and prepare your coworkers pay cut when you work in- Pursuit of Success Raises Our
brain improves import- for your time away, (2) go out- stead of taking that vacation Achievement, Happiness, and
ant business metrics. In side your city (the further the time. Why would anyone do Well-Being (Currency, 2018) and
better), (3) meet with a local that? Four out of 10 employ- The Happiness Advantage: How
The Happiness Advantage, I host or other knowledgeable ees say that they can’t take a Positive Brain Fuels Success
describe research that shows guide at the location, and their vacation because they in Work and Life (Currency,
that when the brain can think (4) have the travel details set have too much work to do. 2010). His TED talk is one of the
positively, productivity im- before going. Smart vacations But, think about it this way: most popular, with more than
proves by 31%, sales increase lead to greater happiness and Whether or not you take a 20 million views. After spending
by 37%, and creativity and energy at work, and therefore vacation, you’re still going to 12 years at Harvard, he has now
revenues can triple. In fact, greater productivity, intelli- have a lot of work to do. Life lectured or researched at more
the conclusion of my Harvard gence, and resilience. is finite, and work is infinite. than a third of the Fortune 100
Business Review article, companies and in 50 countries,
“Positive Intelligence,” which Your manager will perceive What if you work in a from Camp David to Camp
was based on a decade of re- you as more productive. culture that’s just not sup- Pendleton to refugee camps,
search, was that “the greatest portive of taking vacations? and for groups like the NFL,
competitive advantage in the According to research done by In that case, it’s time to come the Pentagon, and NASA. He
modern economy is a positive the U.S. Travel Association, together with your coworkers is currently researching how to
and engaged brain.” To be managers associate personal and create a new social script bring positive psychology from
truly engaged at work, your happiness with productivity. that says: “Of course we take companies to schools.
brain needs periodic breaks In fact, when asked what all our paid days off, because
to gain fresh perspective and vacation-time benefit would we want greater happiness
energy. and success at work.” This
62 HBR Special Issue
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10. How to Get the Most the year, which allows you to Margin for personal to-do
Out of a Day Off recharge before you’re feeling items. Sometimes getting
burned-out.
→ by ELIZABETH GRACE SAUNDERS the smallest things done can
If you feel like you need make you feel fantastic. Con-
AKRP/GETTY IMAGES THE IDEA OF “vacation” often business owner, I’ve found a break from the day-to-day sider taking an afternoon—
conjures up thoughts of trips that vacations don’t have to but can’t find the time for an or even a full day—to take
to faraway lands. While it’s be big to be significant to your extended vacation, here are an unrushed approach to all
true that big trips can be fun health and happiness. In fact, four ways to add microvaca- the nonwork tasks you really
and even refreshing, they can I’ve been experimenting with tions to your life. want to do but struggle to
also take a lot of time, energy, the idea of frequently taking find time to do. For example,
and money. Many people “microvacations,” usually ev- Weekend trips. Instead of think of those appointments
feel exhausted even thinking ery other week. These small for haircuts, manicures, oil
about planning a vacation— bits of time off can increase limiting vacations to week- changes, or doctor visits. You
not just navigating personal my sense of happiness, and long adventures, consider know you should take care
commitments and school I feel I have room to breathe. a two- or three-day trip to of these, but finding the time
breaks but deciding how to someplace local. I’m blessed is difficult with your normal
delegate major projects or From my point of view, to live in Michigan, and one schedule.
put work on hold so that they microvacations require you to of my favorite weekend trips
can have a stress-free holiday. use a day or less of vacation is to drive to Lake Michigan Or perhaps you want to do
Because of this, some might time. Because of their shorter for some time in a little rented tasks you never seem to get
put off their time away, figur- duration, they typically cottage on the shore or to to, like picking out patio
ing they’ll get to it when their require less effort to plan. drive up north to a state park. furniture, unpacking the
schedule isn’t so demanding, And microvacations usually Especially if you live in an ur- remaining boxes in the guest
only to discover at the end don’t require you to coor- ban area, traveling even a few room, or setting up your
of the year that they haven’t dinate others taking care of hours can make you feel like retirement account. You tech-
used up their paid time off. your work while you’re gone. you’re in a different world. nically could get these kinds
Because of these benefits, of tasks done on a weeknight
In my experience as a time microvacations can happen To make the trip as refresh- or over the weekend. But if
management coach and a more frequently throughout ing as possible, consider tak- you’re consistently finding
ing time off on a Friday so that that you’re not and you have
you can finish packing, get to the vacation time, use it to lift
your destination, and do a few some of the weight from your
things before calling it a night. nagging list of undone items.
That still leaves you with two
days to explore the area. If you Shorter days for socializa-
get home by dinnertime on tion. As individuals get older
Sunday, you can unpack and
get the house in order before and particularly after they get
your workweek starts again. married, they tend to spend
less time with friends. One
There may be a few more way to find time for friends
emails than normal to process without feeling like you’re
on Monday, but other than sacrificing your family time
that, your microvacation is to take an hour or two off
shouldn’t create any big work during or after a workday to
pileups.
63HBR Special Issue
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meet a friend for lunch or get those personal tasks or social 11. In Praise of Being
together with friends before times mentioned above. Unproductive
heading home. If you’re
allowed to split up your Also, for individuals who Finding the off switch in an always-on world
vacation time in these small work in offices that are loud,
increments, a single vacation lack windows, or where → by JM OLEJARZ
day could easily give you four drive-by meetings are com-
opportunities to connect with mon, working remotely can ARE YOU PRODUCTIVE? of productivity and efficiency JASON SCHNEIDER
friends whom you otherwise feel like a welcome respite. have been redefined accord-
might not see at all. Plus, you’re likely to get more Efficient? Useful? More to ing to what our devices en-
done. A picturesque location the point, are you productive, able. If you could be working,
If you struggle to have an can also give you a new sense efficient, and useful enough? a certain line of thinking goes,
uninterrupted conversation of calm as you approach These are the kinds of ques- then you should be.
with your spouse because stressful projects. If I’m tions that arise (naturally and
your kids are always around, working in a beautiful setting, terrifyingly) when technology Yet being able to use
a similar strategy can be like by a lake, it almost feels makes it easy to stay online technology as much as we
helpful. Find days when one as good as a vacation. My and connected 24/7. But all want doesn’t guarantee that
or both of you can take a little surroundings have a massive this connectivity results in we’re using our time well.
time off to be together. An impact on how I feel. two unfortunate side effects. The devices we love are full of
extra hour or two will barely First, the expectation that we bright, colorful distractions,
make a difference at work Instead of seeing “vaca- will be available at all times— tempting us to scroll just a
but could make a massive tion” as a large event once or from bosses, friends, the little further, to refresh again
impact on the quality of your twice a year, consider inte- media, you name it—has in- and again. (Let’s not forget:
relationship. grating microvacations into creased. Second, the concepts Tech companies design their
your life on a regular basis.
Remote days for decom- Give yourself permission to
pression. Many offices offer take time for yourself.
remote working opportu- HBR Reprint H04CRG
nities for some or all of the
week. If your company offers Originally published on HBR.org
that and working remotely is May 25, 2018
conducive to your work style
and your tasks, take advan- Elizabeth Grace Saunders is a
tage of that option. time management coach and
the founder of Real Life E Time
Working remotely is not Coaching & Speaking. She is
technically a microvacation, the author of How to Invest
but it can often feel like one. Your Time Like Money (Harvard
(Please still do your work— Business Review Press, 2015)
I don’t want to get in trouble and Divine Time Management:
here!) If your commute lasts The Joy of Trusting God’s Loving
an hour or more each way, not Plans for You (FaithWords,
having to commute can add 2017).
back in two or more hours to
your life that you can use for
64 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
Pulling back from what’s efficient and profitable
lets us focus on what’s actually worthwhile.
products to be addictive.) isn’t about idleness or apathy. nothing. The book explores tech Shabbat, a day to be still
And the downsides of heavy It’s about reclaiming our time the virtues that helped and do nothing?
technology use, studies show, and putting it toward activi- famous figures achieve some
are numerous: depression, ties whose point isn’t profit. of their greatest triumphs. As it turns out, yes. My
loneliness, isolation, lower John F. Kennedy (patience, smartphone once excited me
empathy, and even suicidal The danger of capital- solitude) resisted the urgings because of all the things it
thoughts. ist notions of value is that of advisers to pursue aggres- could do; now its absence did
they’re linked to economic sive military action during the because of all the things
In her new book, 24/6, output, a metric that misses, Cuban missile crisis, prefer- I couldn’t do. It won’t surprise
Tiffany Shlain, the founder well, almost everything. To ring to wait out the Soviets you to learn that my day was
of the Webby Awards, lays an algorithm, the worth of a with a blockade. Napoleon pretty analog: I meditated,
out a plan for surviving our conversation between two (focus, prioritization) waited listened to records, repotted
“always on” culture. Taking people might be insights into weeks to reply to letters, a plant, went for a walk. What
a cue from her Jewish her- what they’re likely to buy. believing that most matters surprised me was that taking
itage, she suggests a “tech To the two people, of course, would resolve themselves a break from screens brought
Shabbat”: one day a week the worth is the conversation and saving his attention for an almost magical sense of
without screens or devices. itself. Odell contends that the truly important. Marina being more in control of my
when our identities depend Abramović (being present) time. Staring at people around
For thousands of years solely on what we contribute sat silent in a chair for 750 me (most of whom were star-
Shabbat has prescribed that to a company’s P&L state- hours during her 2010 MoMA ing at their phones), I felt as
people set aside time to rest ment, we’re likely to end up performance piece, making though I was undercover, re-
and reflect. Shlain writes that losing who we really are. sustained eye contact and sisting the efficiency economy
her modern interpretation forming emotional connec- while in plain sight. I couldn’t
benefits our mental and phys- Our sense of meaning, she tions with visitor after visitor. help thinking of the movie
ical health—and she has spent writes, should instead come Holiday frames these stories Brazil, that great satire on
the past decade practicing from our connections to as examples of “stillness,” his technology and the shadowy
it. Unplugging gives us more the places in which we live term for the traits on display. organizations that oversee our
chances to enjoy hobbies and and to the people, plants, and Cultivating stillness, he says, every move and what it takes
socialize, she says, but one of animals we share them with. gives us a better chance to to break free of them.
its greatest gifts is perspec- The digital world can’t match succeed in our relentlessly
tive. When we step away from the natural one as a source of kinetic world. Even for a digital curmud-
technology on a regular basis, purpose; a Saturday spent on- geon like me, being “un-
it becomes easier to consider line won’t make you happier, When I started writing this productive” felt like a small
whether we’re using it wisely. but a Saturday spent learn- article, my editor asked me revolution—and that’s after
ing about local wildlife or to try my own experiment only one day of it. I can’t wait
What else can you do to building community in your of unplugging for 24 hours. to discover what a decade of
resist a digital world that town just might. That’s why I agreed, but honestly, I was tech Shabbats feels like.
demands your nonstop her “nothing” is anything skeptical. I’ve spent the past
productivity? The artist Jenny but: Pulling back from what’s few years weaning myself HBR Reprint R1905P
Odell has an idea: nothing. In efficient and profitable lets off social media. I keep my
How to Do Nothing, her trea- us focus on what’s actually phone on “do not disturb” at Originally published in
tise on capitalism’s tendency worthwhile. work. I don’t check email on Harvard Business Review
to equate “useful” with “can weekends. I read 26 books September–October 2019
make money,” she argues for Stillness Is the Key, by Ryan last year. Did I really need a
the value of being useless. Holiday, offers another take JM Olejarz is a freelance writer-
But the nothing she favors on why you should do more editor and a former editor at
Harvard Business Review.
65HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
DO SOMETHING
BESIDES WORK
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL 2008 to see how it affects all four domains. If
an experiment doesn’t work out, you stop
Be a Better or adjust, and little is lost. If it does work
Leader, Have out, it’s a small win; over time these add
a Richer Life up so that your overall efforts are focused
increasingly on what and who matter
Traditional thinking pits work and the rest of our most. Either way, you learn more about
lives against each other. But taking smart steps how to lead in all parts of your life.
to integrate work, home, community, and self
will make you a more productive leader and This process doesn’t require inor-
a more fulfilled person. dinate risk. On the contrary, it works
because it entails realistic expectations,
→ by STEWART D. FRIEDMAN short-term changes that are in your
control, and the explicit support of those
IN MY RESEARCH and coaching work This is the main idea in a program around you. Take, for instance, Kenneth
over the past two decades, I have met called Total Leadership that I teach at the Chen, a manager I met at a workshop
many people who feel unfulfilled, over- Wharton School and at companies and in 2005. (All names in this article are
whelmed, or stagnant because they are workshops around the world. “Total” pseudonyms.) His professional goal was
forsaking performance in one or more because it’s about the whole person and to become CEO, but he had other goals as
aspects of their lives. They aren’t bring- “Leadership” because it’s about creating well, which on the face of it might have
ing their leadership abilities to bear in all sustainable change to benefit not just appeared conflicting. He had recently
of life’s domains—work, home, commu- you but the most important people moved to Philadelphia and wanted to get
nity, and self (mind, body, and spirit). Of around you. more involved with his community. He
course, there will always be some ten- also wished to strengthen bonds with his
sion among the different roles we play. Scoring four-way wins starts by taking family. To further all of these goals, he
But, contrary to the common wisdom, a clear view of what you want from and decided to join a city-based community
there’s no reason to assume that it’s a can contribute to each domain of your board, which would not only allow him
zero-sum game. It makes more sense to life, now and in the future, with thought- to hone his leadership skills (in support
pursue excellent performance as a leader ful consideration of the people who of his professional goal) but also have
in all four domains—achieving what matter most to you and the expectations benefits in the family domain. It would
I call “four-way wins”—not trading off you have for one another. This is followed give him more in common with his sister,
one for another but finding mutual value by systematically designing and imple- a teacher who gave back to the commu-
among them. menting carefully crafted experiments— nity every day, and he hoped his fiancée
doing something new for a short period would participate as well, enabling them
to do something together for the greater
good. He would feel more spiritually
alive and this, in turn, would increase his
self-confidence at work.
Now, about three years later, he
reports that he is not only on a commu-
nity board with his fiancée but also on
the formal succession track for CEO.
He’s a better leader in all aspects of his
life because he is acting in ways that are
Illustration by MUTI/FOLIO ART 67HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
DO SOMETHING BESIDES WORK
BE A BETTER LEADER, HAVE A RICHER LIFE
more consistent with his values. He is The Total Leadership The next step is to design experi-
creatively enhancing his performance Process ments and then try them out during
in all domains of his life and leading a controlled period of time. The best
others to improve their performance by The Total Leadership concept rests on experiments are changes that your stake-
encouraging them to better integrate the three principles: holders wish for as much as, if not more
different parts of their lives, too. than, you do.
• Be real: Act with authenticity by clari-
Kenneth is not alone. Workshop fying what’s important. Designing Experiments
participants assess themselves at the be-
ginning and the end of the program, and • Be whole: Act with integrity by To pursue a four-way win means to pro-
they consistently report improvements respecting the whole person. duce a change intended to fulfill multiple
in their effectiveness, as well as a greater goals that benefit each and every domain
sense of harmony among the once- • Be innovative: Act with creativity by of your life. In the domain of work,
competing domains of their lives. In a experimenting with how things get done. typical goals for an experiment can be
study over a four-month period of more captured under these broad headings:
than 300 business professionals (whose You begin the process by thinking, taking advantage of new opportunities
average age was about 35), their satisfac- writing, and talking with peer coaches to for increasing productivity, reducing
tion increased by an average of 20% in identify your core values, your leader- hidden costs, and improving the work
their work lives, 28% in their home lives, ship vision, and the current alignment environment. Goals for home and com-
and 31% in their community lives. Per- of your actions and values—clarifying munity tend to revolve around improv-
haps most significant, their satisfaction what’s important. Peer coaching is ing relationships and contributing more
in the domain of the self—their physical enormously valuable, at this stage and to society. For the self, it’s usually about
and emotional health and their intellec- throughout, because an outside perspec- improving health and finding greater
tual and spiritual growth—increased by tive provides a sounding board for your meaning in life.
39%. But they also reported that their ideas, challenges you, gives you a fresh
performance improved: at work (by 9%), way to see the possibilities for innova- As you think through the goals for
at home (15%), in the community (12%), tion, and helps hold you accountable to your experiment, keep in mind the
and personally (25%). Paradoxically, your commitments. interests and opinions of your key stake-
these gains were made even as partici- holders and anyone else who might be
pants spent less time on work and more You then identify the most import- affected by the changes you are envi-
on other aspects of their lives. They’re ant people—“key stakeholders”—in all sioning. In exploring the idea of joining a
working smarter—and they’re more domains and the performance expec- community board, for instance, Kenneth
focused, passionate, and committed to tations you have of one another. Then Chen sought advice from his boss, who
what they’re doing. you talk with them: If you’re like most had served on many boards, and also
participants, you’ll be surprised to find from the company’s charitable director
While hundreds of leaders at all levels that what, and how much, your key and the vice president of talent. In this
go through this program every year, stakeholders actually need from you is way, he got their support. His employ-
you don’t need a workshop to identify different from, and less than, what you ers could see how his participation on
worthwhile experiments. The process thought beforehand. a board would benefit the company by
is pretty straightforward, though not developing Kenneth’s leadership skills
simple. In the sections that follow, I will These insights create opportunities and his social network.
give you an overview of the process for you to focus your attention more
and take you through the basics of de- intelligently, spurring innovative action. Some experiments benefit only a
signing and implementing experiments Now, with a firmer grounding in what’s single domain directly while having indi-
to produce four-way wins. most important, and a more complete rect benefits in the others. For example,
picture of your inner circle, you begin
to see new ways of making life bet-
ter, not just for you but for the people
around you.
68 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
The best experiments are changes that your
stakeholders wish for as much as, if not more than, you do.
setting aside three mornings a week to and I have found that they tend to fall Idea in Brief
exercise improves your health directly into nine general types. Use the nine
but may indirectly give you more energy categories described in the exhibit “How THE PROBLEM
for your work and raise your self-esteem, Can I Design an Experiment to Improve Life’s a zero-sum game, right?
which in turn might make you a better All Domains of My Life?” to organize The more you strive to win in
father and friend. Other activities—such your thinking. one dimension (such as your
as running a half-marathon with your work), the more the other three
kids to raise funds for a charity sponsored One category of experiment involves dimensions (your self, your home,
by your company—occur in, and directly changes in where and when work gets and your community) must lose.
benefit, all four domains simultaneously. done. One workshop participant, a sales Not according to Friedman. You
Whether the benefits are direct or indi- director for a global cement producer, don’t have to make trade-offs
rect, achieving a four-way win is the goal. tried working online from his local public among life’s domains. Nor should
That’s what makes the changes sustain- library one day a week to free himself you: Trading off can leave you
able: Everyone benefits. The expected from his very long commute. This was a feeling exhausted, unfulfilled, or
gains need not accrue until sometime break from a company culture that didn’t isolated. And it hurts the people
in the future, so keep in mind that some traditionally support employees working you care about most.
benefits may not be obvious—far-off remotely, but the change benefited
career advancements, for instance, or a everyone. He had more time for outside THE APPROACH
contact who might ultimately offer valu- interests, and he was more engaged and To excel in all dimensions of life,
able connections. productive at work. use Friedman’s Total Leadership
process. First, articulate who
Identify possibilities. Open your Another category has to do with reg- and what matters most in your
ular self-reflection. As an example, you life. Then experiment with small
mind to what’s possible and try to think might keep a record of your activities, changes that enhance your
of as many potential experiments as you thoughts, and feelings over the course satisfaction and performance in
can, describing in a sentence or two what of a month to see how various actions all four domains. For example,
you would do in each. This is a time to influence your performance and quality exercising three mornings a week
let your imagination run free. Don’t of life. Still another category focuses on gives you more energy for work
worry about all the potential obstacles planning and organizing your time— and improves your self-esteem
at this point. such as trying out a new technology that and health, which makes you a
coordinates commitments at work with better parent and friend.
At first blush, conceiving of experi- those in the other domains.
ments that produce benefits for all the THE RESULTS
different realms may seem a formidable Conversations about work and the Friedman’s research suggests
task. After all, if it were easy, people rest of life tend to emphasize segmenta- that people who focus on the
wouldn’t be feeling so much tension tion: How do I shut out the office when I concept of Total Leadership
between work and the rest of their lives. am with my family? How can I eliminate have a 20%–39% increase in
But I’ve found that most people realize distractions and concentrate purely satisfaction in all life domains,
it’s not that hard once they approach on work? But, in some cases, it might and a 9% improvement in job
the challenge systematically. And, like be better to make boundaries between performance—even while
a puzzle, it can be fun, especially if you domains more permeable, not thicker. working fewer hours per week.
keep in mind that experiments must fit The very technologies that make it hard
your particular circumstances. Exper- for us to maintain healthy boundaries 69HBR Special Issue
iments can and do take myriad forms. among domains also enable us to blend Winter 2020
But having sifted through hundreds of them in ways—unfathomable even a
experiment designs, my research team decade ago—that can render us more
How Can I Design an Experiment to
Improve All Domains of My Life?
Our research has revealed that most successful experiments combine components of nine general categories. Thinking about possibilities in
this way will make it easier for you to conceive of the small changes you can make that will mutually benefit your work, your home, your community,
and yourself. Most experiments are a hybrid of some combination of these categories.
Tracking and Rejuvenating Focusing and EXAMPLES Delegating
Reflecting and Restoring Concentrating and Developing
• Have weekly
Keeping a record of Attending to body, mind, Being physically present, conversations about Reallocating tasks in
activities, thoughts, and and spirit so that the psychologically present, or religion with spouse ways that increase trust,
feelings (and perhaps tasks of daily living and both when needed to pay free up time, and develop
distributing it to friends, working are undertaken attention to stakeholders • Describe your vision skills in yourself and
family, and coworkers) with renewed power, who matter most. to others others; working smarter
to assess progress on focus, and commitment. Sometimes this means by reducing or eliminating
personal and professional saying no to opportunities • Mentor a new low-priority activities.
goals, thereby increasing EXAMPLES or obligations. Includes employee
self-awareness and attempts to show more EXAMPLES
maintaining priorities. • Quit unhealthy respect to important Time Shifting and
physical habits people encountered in “Re-Placing” • Hire a personal
EXAMPLES (smoking, drinking) different domains and the assistant
need to be accessible to Working remotely or
• Record visits to the • Make time for reading them. during different hours • Have a subordinate
gym along with a novel to increase flexibility take on some of your
changes in energy EXAMPLES and thus better fit in responsibilities
levels • Engage in activities community, family, and
that improve • Turn off digital personal activities while Exploring and
• Track the times of emotional and spiritual communication increasing efficiency; Venturing
day when you feel health (yoga, medita- devices at a set time questioning traditional
most engaged or tion, etc.) assumptions and trying Taking steps toward
most lethargic • Set aside a specific new ways to get things a new job, career, or
Appreciating time to focus on one done. other activity that better
Planning and and Caring thing or person aligns your work, home,
Organizing EXAMPLES community, and self with
Having fun with people • Review email at preset your core values and
Taking actions designed (typically, by doing times during the day • Work from home aspirations.
to better use time and things with coworkers
prepare and plan for the outside work), caring for Revealing and • Take music lessons EXAMPLES
future. others, and appreciating Engaging during your lunch
relationships as a way of hour • Take on new roles
EXAMPLES bonding at a basic human Sharing more of at work, such as a
level to respect the whole yourself with others— • Do work during your cross-functional
• Use a PDA for all person, which increases and listening—so they commute assignment
activities, not just work trust. can better support
your values and the • Try a new coaching
• Share your schedule EXAMPLES steps you want to take style
with someone else toward your leadership
• Join a book group vision. By enhancing • Join the board of
• Prepare for the week or health club with communication about your child’s day care
on Sunday evening coworkers different aspects of life, center
you demonstrate respect
• Help your son complete for the whole person.
his homework
• Devote one day a
month to community
service
70 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
DO SOMETHING BESIDES WORK
BE A BETTER LEADER, HAVE A RICHER LIFE
productive and more fulfilled. These • Allow you to practice the leadership he took the steps needed to allow him to
tools give us choices. The challenge skills you most want to develop work at home on Thursday afternoons.
we all face is learning how to use them He had to set up some new technologies
wisely, and smart experiments give you • Be the most fun by involving more of and agree to send a monthly memo to his
an opportunity to increase your skill in what you want to be doing boss summarizing what he was accom-
doing so. The main point is to identify plishing on those afternoons. He also
possibilities that will work well in your • Move you furthest toward your vision bought a baby sling, which would allow
unique situation. of how you want to lead your life him to keep his new son with him while
at home.
All effective experiments require that Once you choose and begin to move
you question traditional assumptions down the road with your experiment, In the end, not only were Joanne and
about how things get done, as the sales however, be prepared to adapt to the their baby on hand to cheer Lim on while
director did. It’s easier to feel free to do unforeseen. Don’t become too wedded he ran the marathon, but she ended up
this, and to take innovative action, when to the details of any one experiment’s joining him for the second half of the
you know that your goal is to improve plan, because you will at some point race to give him a boost when she saw
performance in all domains and that be surprised and need to adjust. An his energy flagging. His business unit’s
you’ll be gathering data about the impact executive I’ll call Lim, for example, numbers improved during the period
of your experiment to determine if chose as one experiment to run the when he was training and working at
indeed it is working—for your key stake- Chicago Marathon. He had been feeling home. So did the unit’s morale—people
holders and for you. out of shape, which in turn diminished began to see the company as more
his energy and focus both at work and flexible, and they were encouraged to
Whatever type you choose, the most at home. His wife, Joanne, was preg- be more creative in how they got their
useful experiments feel like something nant with their first child and initially own work done—and word got around.
of a stretch: not too easy, not too daunt- supported the plan because she believed Executives throughout the firm began to
ing. It might be something quite mun- that the focus required by the training come up with their own ideas for ways to
dane for someone else, but that doesn’t and the physical outlet it provided would pay more attention to other sides of their
matter. What’s critical is that you see it as make Lim a better father. The family also employees’ lives and so build a stronger
a moderately difficult challenge. had a strong tradition of athleticism, and sense of community at work.
Joanne herself was an accomplished ath-
Choose a few, get started, and lete. Lim was training with his boss and The investment in a well-designed
adapt. Coming up with possibilities is other colleagues, and all agreed that it experiment almost always pays off be-
would be a healthy endeavor that would cause you learn how to lead in new and
an exercise in unbounded imagination. improve professional communication (as creative ways in all parts of your life. And
But when it comes time to take action, it’s they thought there would be plenty of if your experiments turn out well—as
not practical to try out more than three time to bond during training). they usually, but not always, do—it will
experiments at once. Typically, two turn benefit everyone: you, your business,
out to be relatively successful and one But as her delivery date approached, your family, and your community.
goes haywire, so you will earn some small Joanne became apprehensive, which
wins, and learn something useful about she expressed to Lim as concern that Measuring Progress
leadership, without biting off more than he might get injured. Her real concern,
you can chew. Now the priority is to nar- though, was that he was spending so The only way to fail with an experiment
row the list to the three most-promising much time on an activity that might is to fail to learn from it, and this makes
candidates by reviewing which will: drain his energy at a point when the useful metrics essential. No doubt it’s
family needed him most. One adjust- better to achieve the results you are after
• Give you the best overall return on ment that Lim made to reassure Joanne than to fall short, but hitting targets does
your investment of his commitment to their family was
to initiate another experiment in which
• Be the most costly in regret and
missed opportunities if you don’t do it
71HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
How Do I Know If My Experiment Is Working?
Using this tool, an executive I’ll call Kenneth Chen systematically set out in detail his various
goals, the metrics he would use to measure his progress, and the steps he would take in
conducting an experiment that would further those goals—joining the board of a nonprofit
organization. Kenneth’s work sheet is merely an example: Every person’s experiments, goals,
and metrics are unique.
Experiment’s Goals How I Will Measure Success not in itself advance you toward becom-
ing the leader you want to be. Failed
WORK → To fulfill the expectation that → Collect business cards from everyone experiments give you, and those around
executives will give back to the local I meet on the board and during board you, information that helps create better
community meetings, and keep track of the number ones in the future.
of professionals I meet
→ To establish networks with other The exhibit “How Do I Know If My
officers in my company and other → After each meeting, regularly record the Experiment Is Working?” shows how
professionals in the area leadership skills of those I would like to Kenneth Chen measured his progress. He
emulate used this simple chart to spell out the in-
→ To learn leadership skills from tended benefits of his experiment in each
other board members and from the of the four domains and how he would
organization I join assess whether he had realized these
benefits. To set up your own scorecard,
HOME → To join a board that can involve my → See whether Celine gets involved in the use a separate sheet for each experi-
fiancée, Celine board ment; at the top of the page, write a brief
description of it. Then record your goals
→To have something to discuss with my → Record the number of conversations for each domain in the first column. In
sister (a special-education instructor) my sister and I have about community the middle column, describe your results
service for the next three months and metrics: how you will measure whether
see whether they have brought us closer the goals for each domain have been
achieved. In the third column, describe
COMMUNITY → To provide my leadership skills to a → Record what I learn about each your action metrics—the plan for the
nonprofit organization nonprofit organization I research steps you will take to implement your
experiment. As you begin to implement
→ To get more involved in giving back to → Record the number of times I attend your plan, you may find that your initial
the community board meetings indicators are too broad or too vague, so
refine your scorecard as you go along to
SELF → To feel good about contributing to → Assess how I feel about myself in a daily make it more useful for you. The main
others’ welfare journal point is to have practical ways of mea-
suring your outcomes and your progress
→ To see others grow as a result of my → Assess the effect I have on others in toward them, and the approach you take
efforts terms of potential number of people only needs to work for you and your
affected stakeholders.
→ To become more compassionate
→ Ask for feedback from others Workshop participants have used
about whether I’ve become more all kinds of metrics: cost savings from
compassionate reduced travel, number of email misun-
derstandings averted, degree of satis-
Implementation Steps faction with family time, hours spent
volunteering at a teen center, and so on.
• Meet with my manager, who has sat on many boards and can provide support and advice Metrics may be objective or subjective,
• Meet with the director of my company’s foundation to determine my real interests and to qualitative or quantitative, reported
by you or by others, and frequently or
help assess what relationship our firm has with various community organizations intermittently observed. When it comes
• Discuss my course of action with my fiancée and see whether joining a board interests her
• Sign up to attend the December 15 overview session of the Business on Board program
• Assess different opportunities within the community and then reach out to organizations
I’m interested in
• Apply for membership to a community board
72 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
DO SOMETHING BESIDES WORK
BE A BETTER LEADER, HAVE A RICHER LIFE
to frequency, for instance, it helps to eventually make. Large-scale change isolated from people who matter to
consider how long you’ll be able to is grounded in small steps toward a big them. They crave stronger relationships,
remember what you did. For example, idea. So while the steps in an built on trust, and yearn for enriched
if you were to go on a diet to get health- experiment might be small, the goals social networks. Still others are just in a
ier, increase energy, and enhance key are not. Ismail, a successful 50-year-old rut. They want to tap into their creative
relationships, food intake would be an entrepreneur and CEO of an engineering energy but don’t know how (and some-
important metric. But would you be able services company, described the goal for times lack the courage) to do so. They
to remember what you ate two days ago? his first experiment this way: “Restruc- feel out of control and unable to fit in all
ture my company and my role in it.” that’s important to them.
Small Wins for Big Change There’s nothing small about that. He felt
he was missing a sense of purpose. My hunch is that there are more four-
Experiments shouldn’t be massive, way wins available to you than you’d
all-encompassing shifts in the way you Ismail designed practical steps that think. They are there for the taking. You
live. Highly ambitious designs usu- would allow him to move toward his have to know how to look for them and
ally fail because they’re too much to large goal over time. His first experi- then find the support and zeal to pursue
handle. The best experiments let you try ments were small and achievable. He them. By providing a blueprint for how
something new while minimizing the introduced a new method that both his you can be real, be whole, and be inno-
inevitable risks associated with change. colleagues and his wife could use to vative as a leader in all parts of your life,
When the stakes are smaller, it’s easier to communicate with him. He began to this program helps you perform better
overcome the fear of failure that inhibits hold sacrosanct time for his family and according to the standards of the most
innovation. You start to see results, and his church. As he looked for ways to important people in your life; feel better
others take note, which both inspires free up more time, he initiated delega- in all the domains of your life; and foster
you to go further and builds support tion experiments that had the effect of greater harmony among the domains by
from your key stakeholders. flattening his organization’s structure. increasing the resources available to you
These small wins crossed over several to fit all the parts of your life together. No
Another benefit of the small-wins domains, and eventually he did indeed matter what your career stage or current
approach to experiments is that it opens transform his company and his own role position, you can be a better leader and
doors that would otherwise be closed. You in it. When I spoke with him 18 months have a richer life—if you are ready and
can say to people invested in the decision, after he’d started, he acknowledged that willing to rise to the challenge.
“Let’s just try this. If it doesn’t work, we’ll he’d had a hard time coping with the loss
go back to the old way or try something of control over tactical business matters, HBR Reprint R0804H
different.” By framing an experiment as a but he described his experiments as “a
trial, you reduce resistance because peo- testament to the idea of winning the Stewart D. Friedman is the Practice
ple are more likely to try something new if small battles and letting the war be won Professor of Management, Emeritus, at the
they know it’s not permanent and if they as a result.” He and his leadership team University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School
have control over deciding whether the both felt more confident about the firm’s in Philadelphia. He is the founding director
experiment is working according to their new organizational structure. of Wharton’s Leadership Program and of its
performance expectations. Work/Life Integration Project and the former
PEOPLE TRY the Total Leadership pro- head of Ford Motor’s Leadership Develop-
But “small” is a relative term—what gram for a variety of reasons. Some feel ment Center. He is the author of numerous
might look like a small step for you unfulfilled because they’re not doing books on leadership and work/life integra-
could seem like a giant leap to me, and what they love. Some don’t feel genuine tion, most recently (with coauthor Alyssa F.
vice versa. So don’t get hung up on the because they’re not acting according to Westring) of Parents Who Lead: The Leader-
word. What’s more, this isn’t about the their values. Others feel disconnected, ship Approach You Need to Parent with Pur-
scope or importance of the changes you pose, Fuel Your Career, and Create a Richer
Life (Harvard Business School Press, 2020).
73HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
DO SOMETHING BESIDES WORK
Quick Takes
1. Diversify Yourself agement at France Telecom
claimed that, because of its
→ by PETER BREGMAN size, 24 suicides isn’t that
surprising. But there is some-
R E C E N T LY, A WO M A N working The email read: “I have 24 France Telecom employ- thing unusual happening, and CINTASCOTCH/GETTY IMAGES
for France Telecom sent an decided to kill myself to- ees have killed themselves not just at France Telecom.
email to her father. Then she night…I can’t take the new since last year. And more According to the U.S. Bureau
walked over to the window reorganization.” than that have tried. One man of Labor Statistics, work-
on the fourth floor of her stabbed himself in the middle related suicides increased
office building, opened it, If this were an aberration, of a meeting. 28% between 2007 and 2008.
stepped through, and jumped one depressed woman’s
to her death. inability to handle change, we When confronted with this It’s tempting to blame the
could dismiss it. But, so far, high rate of suicides, man- companies. A good article
in the Economist pointed
to a variety of things—the
drive for measurement
and maximizing produc-
tivity, recession-driven
layoffs, poor management
communication—that con-
tribute to a disheartening,
depressing work environ-
ment. The article concluded
that “companies need to do
more than pay lip service to
the human side of manage-
ment.” I agree. For sure there
are things leaders can and
must do to handle employees
with more care, compassion,
and respect.
But the problem is deeper
and more complicated than
a callous management team
that cares about nothing
except profits. The problem is
also in us. It’s in how we see
and define ourselves, in our
identities.
The first question we ask
when we meet people is
“What do you do?” We have
become our work, our pro-
fessions. Connected 24/7 via
74 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
Stepping away from your work might just be the key
to increasing your productivity.
our smartphones, obsessively mother or father, you’ll be with work is really about the I called to see if I could do
checking email and voice fine. If you have a strong reli- concern of having enough anything. My intention was
mails, we have left no space gious identity or view yourself money to support themselves to help her find a new job
for other parts of ourselves. as an artist, you’ll be fine. If or their family. How can we as soon as possible. I knew
you see yourself as an athlete, work less and still survive? money was tight.
If we spend all our time or even simply as a good, loyal
working, traveling to work, friend, you’ll be fine. Perhaps it’s the only way I was pleasantly surprised
planning to work, thinking to not only survive but thrive. though. She told me she had
about work, or communi- According to Dr. Rosenfield, Stepping away from your decided to postpone her job
cating about work, then we this is an issue of mental work might just be the key to search for a few months. She
will see ourselves as workers health, even for the mentally increasing your productivity. was pregnant and wanted
and nothing more. As long ill. “People with mental ill- And having multiple iden- to focus on that for a while.
as work is going well, we can ness often feel their identity tities will help you perform Once she felt ready, she
survive that way. is reduced to being mentally better in each one, because would look for work. She was
ill. Part of their recovery you learn things as an athlete too busy creating an identity
But when we lose our jobs involves reclaiming other or a parent or a poet that as a mother to get caught up
or our jobs are threatened, parts of their identity—being make you a better employee in her identity as a worker.
then our very existence is a friend, a volunteer, an art- or leader or friend. So the
called into question. “Estab- ist, a dog lover, a student, a more you invest yourself in Recently I received an
lishing your identity through worker. It takes an active and multiple identities, the less email from her telling me she
work alone can restrict your bold effort to broaden and likely you’ll lose any one was back at work. “I love the
sense of self and make you overcome the diminished of them. job,” she told me. “It’s a great
vulnerable to depression, sense of identity that results balance to motherhood.”
loss of self-worth, and loss from dealing with mental Of course, if you do lose
of purpose when the work is illness, hospitalizations, one, you’ll be OK because HBR Reprint H003XT
threatened,” Dr. Paul Rosen- medications, and doctors you’ve got the others.
field, assistant clinical profes- saying ‘you need to accept Originally published on HBR.org
sor of psychiatry at Columbia being mentally ill’ without If you still believe that October 21, 2009
University, told me in a recent also saying ‘but I believe you doing nothing but work is
conversation. are more than your illness a necessity to support your Peter Bregman coaches CEOs
and you still have potential lifestyle, it’s worth looking at and senior leaders in many of
Who am I if you take away to do so many things in the ways to change that lifestyle the world’s premier organiza-
my work? That’s a question world.’” so that you don’t kill yourself tions and has been recognized
we’d better have a solid trying to maintain it. as the number one coach in
answer to. Fortunately, once Here’s the issue though: the world by Leading Global
we realize this, we can do It’s not enough to see yourself Walk away from the email Coaches. He is the best-selling
something about it. We can in a certain way—you must and have dinner with your author and contributor of 17
diversify. act on it. It won’t help if you family. Leave work at a decent books, including his most
identify as a father but rarely hour and play tennis with a recent book, Leading with Emo-
I don’t mean diversifying spend time with your chil- friend. Choose rituals that tional Courage: How to Have
your money, though that’s dren, or if religion is a big part have meaning to you and do Hard Conversations, Create
a good idea too. I mean diver- of your identity, yet you rarely them religiously. Most import- Accountability, and Inspire
sifying yourself so that engage in religious activities. ant, be consistent—doing the Action on Your Most Important
when one identity fails, the same thing repeatedly over Work (Wiley, 2018).
other ones keep you alive. One obstacle is money. For time solidifies your identity.
If you lose your job but you many people, an obsession
identify passionately as a A good friend of mine lost
her job about a year ago, and
75HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
DO SOMETHING BESIDES WORK
QUICK TAKES
2. Do You Have a Life Outside of Work? to eight years. They gradually
lose the friends and activities
→ by ROB CROSS that helped them cope with
their stress. If the activities
“I HAD A business trip can- I’ve seen in my work with tion and increasing financial were skill-related, like tennis FSTOP IMAGES—CASPAR BENSON/GETTY IMAGES
celed and free time out of hundreds of successful exec- pressures, thus making work or running with a group, it
nowhere. I went home on a utives. Leaving college with a even more central. becomes almost impossible to
beautiful summer day, and as range of interests and friends, catch back up with those who
I pulled into my driveway, I they choose a career that At this point, these execu- stayed with it.
realized my family was scat- optimizes money, status, and tives double down and move
tered doing their things and sometimes a sense of impact. to a bigger home and better If they are lucky, they wake
that I had no friends to reach Work ramps up quickly to neighborhood with an excel- up in an epiphany moment
out to or hobbies that I had 12-hour days. Commuting lent school district, because like my Silicon Valley friend
once loved. I sat in the car for and business trips result in that is what good providers did. Many do not and end up
more than an hour thinking less exercise and fewer social do. Sometimes they upgrade burned-out, divorced, and
about how I had gotten to events, and their world nar- twice. In any case, this leads in crisis.
that point.” rows down to work and a few them into an echo cham-
select friends. Buying a home ber, where there’s no time My colleagues and I have
This comment from a and starting a family follows, for friends (and sometimes studied these people for more
well-regarded software further limiting social interac- family) and work defines than two decades, and we’ve
executive reflects a pattern their entire existence for five noticed that a select few
don’t fall prey to this vicious
cycle. These people are in the
high-performance category
of their organization who
also score high on measures
of well-being. So we’ve
spent time identifying what
makes them able to manage
a successful career while
maintaining those critical
social activities that create
happiness.
We’ve found that they have
almost always cultivated
and maintained authentic
connections in two, three, or
four groups outside of work:
athletic pursuits, volunteer
work, civic or religious com-
munities, and social clubs
like book or dinner clubs. In
contrast, people who were on
their second or sometimes
third marriages, unhealthy
76 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
Purpose is not just in the nature of our work but
also in the networks around the work.
to a point of crisis, or with 1. Shift just one activity Connections That Create Purpose
children who simply toler- to create diverse purpose-
ated them had almost always generating interactions. Worksheet Points Work Points
allowed life to become only Life Culture/leaders
about work. Success at their Our sense of purpose in life is Family Peers
jobs exclusively defined their constructed through interac- Team/mentor
life success and slowly took tions in and out of work. For Friends/community Consumer
them out of all these groups many, work is a legitimate
and activities. source of purpose, but 50% Volunteerism
or more of how we experi-
How do they get there? ence purpose and meaning is Spirituality
With the best of intentions, through the constellation of
actually. A seductive way relationships around us. Pur- teammates, and mentees Friends and community.
of justifying our choices to pose is not just in the nature to thrive—helping, seeing
become unidimensionally fo- of our work but also in the growth, sharing your learn- Forging connections through
cused on work is to look at life networks around the work. ing, being transparent and collective activity: athletic en-
through the lens of provider: People in organizations doing vulnerable. deavors, book or dinner clubs,
“I am making sacrifices for my noble work—curing disease, relationships maintained with
family.” It is not that family is saving children’s lives, educat- Consumers and stake- children’s parents.
a bad choice. To the contrary, ing others—can be among the holders. Receiving validation
it is a critical anchor in our unhappiest, whereas those Family. Caring for family and
lives. But when working for doing seemingly mundane from consumers of output—
your family defines you, things may feel a stronger science that cures people or modeling valued behaviors as
you’re actually not providing sense of purpose. Both work products that improve lives, well as maintaining identity
for them the way you could and life connections create for example. through interactions with
if you maintained your other a sense of purpose. extended family.
social ties. Paradoxically, a
singular focus on providing Work connections that create Life connections that create The goal here isn’t to sud-
through work robs you of purpose include: purpose include: denly shift your life to address
your well-being and creates all these connections. Use this
vulnerability. Leaders and organizational Spiritual. Interacting around activity to choose one.
culture. Working for an in-
You may feel, especially religion, music, art, poetry, Reflect on the figure above.
these days in which many spiring leader or vision, or be- and other aesthetic spheres of First, allocate 100 points to
people are thinking more ing part of a culture that does life that put work in a broader spheres that currently provide
deeply about meaning and the right things and cares context. you with the greatest sense of
purpose, that you have be- about colleagues’ success. purpose. Spheres where you
come this unhealthy, vulner- Civic and volunteer. don’t allocate 100 points are
able unidimensional person. Peers. Co-creating a mean- spheres that could add dimen-
But you can change course Contributing to meaning- sionality to your life.
and reestablish activities and ingful future and engaging ful groups, which creates a
social connections that will with those who share similar wellness benefit of giving and Second, choose one activity
improve your life, and the authentic values. brings you in contact with di- that could have the greatest
lives of your loved ones. verse but like-minded people. impact on the largest number
Teams and mentors.
Here are three ideas:
Creating a context for peers,
77HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
See transitions as opportunities, not threats, to
discover a new and better version of yourself.
of spheres if you shifted it. commonalities between you in new activities and groups Flash-forward and yoga has
If this is not immediately obvi- and others and understand you want to engage with that become a central component
ous to you, think about inter- their aspirations. Altering the could be a positive part of your of her and her husband’s life.
ests from your past. Leaning way we engage in existing purposeful identity. Most im- It defines a large portion
back into athletic pursuits, relations often uncovers ways portant, stick it out even when of their social world and even
hobbies, and passions is often our existing network can fuel it seems scary or difficult. their vacations. But this never
the first step for entrenched a sense of purpose. would have materialized
people to slingshot into new Consider a successful high- without her leaning into and
groups. Once you choose an Create a persistent dia- tech executive that during persisting through a transi-
activity, commit to a goal in logue on what is worth do- a 20-year career had become tion. The relationships formed
that sphere by reaching out to ing. People who avoid crisis someone she did not plan to through the activity added
the group it will involve. Set be. Her job’s toll on her health dimensionality and perspec-
hard rules and engage family moments in life spend more and identity slowly burned tive to her life that had not
in reinforcing your pursuit. time talking with others about her out, and she quit a job that been there when work ruled
ways to live life. One success- many would envy. She de- all. They became a source of
After you’ve consolidated ful executive formed a board cided to lean into her health resilience and helped create
the shift into your life, do it of people she relied on in hard and try yoga. And knowing the courage to live life on
once or twice more. You will times. Unlike traditional men- her cynical tendency, she her terms rather than others’
discover, as others who’ve tors, this group was young promised her husband she definitions of success.
gone through this exercise and old and from all walks of would try it three times.
have, that the excuses you life, but helped her consis- To identify and capitalize
were making for not con- tently reflect on how she was The first time she rolled her on moments the way this
necting outside work are just engaging with purpose. eyes at the overly nice people executive did, consider the
that—excuses. You do have who showed up. The second following:
time, and work will adapt if Return to relationships. time she internally mocked
you let it. the “flaky, granola” instructor. Initiate transition when it
Strong relationships are often The third time she endured a makes no sense. The time
2. Be intentional in small forged in difficult situations. little better but nevertheless
moments. How you handle adverse felt she was done. As the class to stretch is when you are
moments with the people in ended, the instructor walked comfortable or you feel you
Engage more purposefully your life, your ability to see the room and touched every- have to hunker down to get
even when it seems like possibilities and be proactive one on their head. through a situation. Lean in
there’s little time to accom- and to commiserate with oth- instead. Surge into a transi-
plish much. Focus on how to ers, will get you through hard To my friend’s deep sur- tion with early and broad out-
shape rather than be shaped times and also build connec- prise, she broke into tears. reach, re-creating connections
by all your interactions. For tions you can turn to. As she unpacked this, she into existing activities you
example, you can: realized that this was the enjoy (faith or sport) and initi-
3. Boldly lean into first time she had let herself ating at least one new one.
Live “micro moments” in- times of transition. be vulnerable or authentic
tentionally. Simply demon- in a long time. She fell out Focus on your aspirational
See transitions as opportuni- of pose. She felt exhausted self, behavior, and rela-
strating to others in small ties, not threats, to discover from what looked easy. But tionships. Use the transition
moments that you believe a new and better version of she shared this vulnerability
in them, or lifting them up, yourself. Notice and unplug with strangers in the room— to reflect on socially defined
or helping them do the right from things that are draining something her corporate per- goals and aspirations or
thing will help you uncover purpose, and then reinvest sona wouldn’t have tolerated. historical conventions that
78 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
DO SOMETHING BESIDES WORK
QUICK TAKES
have shaped you. Reflect on
one way to invest in work
you want to be doing or one
activity with others that
would add dimensionality
and breadth to your life.
Beware of shocks or surges 3. Why You Should Work Less and
pulling you away from your Spend More Time on Hobbies
values. Don’t let your reac-
→ by GAETANO DINARDI
tion to a negative moment or
stretch of time take you from
who you want to be—too
often what seems temporary
becomes embedded in expec-
tations around you.
We live in challenging times
to be sure. But our experience
is often of our own making.
Never in history have we had
a greater ability to shape what
we do and with whom.
Don’t cede this control.
If you’ve lost it, take it back.
I’ve seen again and again that
those who do actually have
the greatest sense of purpose
and well-being.
HBR Reprint H05KAY
Originally published on HBR.org
May 13, 2020
Rob Cross is the Edward A. AS PROFESSIONALS AROUND This is more significant playing the guitar and com-
Madden Professor of Global than it may sound, because posing. But just like workers
Leadership at Babson College the world feel increasingly it isn’t just individuals who everywhere, I can fall into the
and a coauthor, with Andrew pressed for time, they’re giv- are missing out. When people trap of feeling that I have no
Parker, of The Hidden Power of ing up on things that matter don’t have time for hobbies, time to engage in it. As head
Social Networks (Harvard Busi- to them. A recent HBR article businesses pay a price. Hob- of Demand Generation for
ness Review Press, 2004). noted that in surveys, most bies can make workers sub- Nextiva, I have enough on
people “could name several stantially better at their jobs. my plate to keep me busy
ILBUSCA/GETTY IMAGES activities, such as pursuing a I know this from personal around the clock. I can
hobby, that they’d like to have experience. I’ve always loved easily fall into the trap of the
time for.”
79HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
DO SOMETHING BESIDES WORK
QUICK TAKES
“72-hour workweek,” which It’s no surprise that by tion. It’s easy to lose creative Even employees who may not
takes into account the time giving yourself this mental confidence. But after an hour have these kinds of talents
people spend connected to space and focusing on feel- of shredding on the guitar, should be encouraged to do
work on our phones outside ings, you can reawaken your hitting notes perfectly, I’m something that feels creative
official work hours. creativity. Neuroscientists feeling good. I can tell that my and fun. Some CEOs spend
have found that rational brain was craving that kind time on their own hobbies,
When I crash, there’s thought and emotions of satisfaction. And when setting the right example.
always the temptation to do involve different parts of the I face that work project
something sedentary and brain. For the floodgates of again, I bring the confidence And when you find a little
mindless. It’s little surprise creativity to open, both must with me. time for a creative hobby
that watching TV is by far the be in play. break, make it guilt-free.
most popular use of leisure It turns out people like After all, when you do this,
time in the U.S. and tops the Perspective. One of the me have been studied. In everyone stands to gain.
list elsewhere as well, includ- one study, researchers found
ing Germany and England. trickiest tasks in the creative that “creative activity was HBR Reprint H04RX5
process is thinking through positively associated with re-
But by spending time on how someone else would covery experiences (i.e., mas- Originally published on HBR.org
music, I boost some of my experience your idea. But tery, control, and relaxation) February 7, 2019
most important workplace in doing creative hobbies, and performance-related
skills: people think that way all the outcomes (i.e., job creativity Gaetano DiNardi is the director
time. A potter imagines how and extra role behaviors).” In of Demand Generation at
Creativity. To stand out and the recipient of a vase would fact, they wrote, “creative ac- Nextiva.
respond to it. A mystery nov- tivity while away from work
compete in today’s crowded elist considers whether an may be a leisure activity that
and constantly changing unsuspecting reader will be provides employees essential
business environment, surprised by a plot twist. resources to perform at
organizations need new, a high level.”
innovative ideas that will rise When I take a break from
above the noise. I’m tasked work to make music, I recon- So to my fellow profes-
with constantly looking for nect with that perspective. sionals, I highly recommend
new ways to attract atten- I keep thinking about how taking some time to keep
tion from potential buyers. someone hearing my song for up your creative hobby. It
But coming up with a fully the first time might respond. doesn’t have to be long. A
original idea can be difficult I do all I can to see (or hear) study found that spending
when your mind is filled the world through someone 45 minutes making art helps
with targets, metrics, and else’s eyes (or ears). Then, boost someone’s confidence
deadlines. when I resume my work and ability to complete tasks.
project, I take that mentality
A creative hobby pulls with me. I also suggest you encour-
you out of all that. Whether age your business to celebrate
you’re a musician, artist, Confidence. When I face a employees’ hobbies. Zappos
writer, or cook, you often puts employee artwork up
start with a blank canvas in tough challenge at work and on its walls and encourages
your mind. You simply think: feel stymied, I can start to people to decorate their desks
What will I create that will question whether I’ll ever however they wish. Some
evoke the emotion I’m figure out a successful solu- businesses hold talent shows.
going for?
80 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
-*" -",
" /
/ ,"
,7
COVID as a Catalyst: The Rise Most respondents were pleased with
of the Remote Workforce their remote working experiences,
rating them:
They said it couldn’t be done, and yet it’s become
a way of life. Here’s why it’s worked. Terrible or poor 16% 4%
Average 80%
Good 50%
Excellent
Just a few months ago, the interplay Cherwell last year in which most workers 30%
between work, workforce, and work- described systems that weren’t integrat-
place was well established: Workers ed and work that wasn’t automated, all And digitally mature organizations
generally came together as a workforce of which created a drag on productivity. were more likely to have found the
in the workplace to get their work done. experience excellent.
Then they went home. Most systems— The Human Element
IT, management, HR—were set up to Early or 20%
function in that paradigm. Remote work What’s made the difference? It’s a com- developing
arrangements were often short-term or bination, Cherwell CEO Sam Gilliland
“exceptions,” and often discouraged. says, of technology and management. Advanced 31%
Integrated, automated software, along
And then the catalyst called COVID with the ability to work on a low-code/ Mature 60%
hit, and, often within hours, workers no-code platform, has made adapting
were sent home to carve out work- ÜÀyÜÃ v>ÃÌiÀ >` i>ÃiÀ° -
>Ã Working remotely has had a generally
spaces in their attics and living rooms, “keeping the human element in mind. positive impact on productivity.
struggling to remain tethered, to form a It’s not just how people get their work
workforce, to get the work done. done. It’s how we connect with them.” Increased a 5% 10%
great deal
An Excellent Experience It’s no surprise then, adds Kim Osoba, Increased 31% 43% 33%
Cherwell’s director of talent and organi- somewhat
/
i ÃÕÀ«ÀÃ} ÀiÃÕÌ] VwÀi` > iÜ zational effectiveness, that Cherwell has 21%
survey conducted this past spring by Ãii > wÛiv` VÀi>Ãi , *Ã vÀ ÌÃ No effect
Lawless Research on behalf of Cherwell digital transformation offerings—many
Software, is that remote working has of them for HR service management— Reduced
worked—not only to keep workers safe since the pandemic began. “HRSM has somewhat
LÕÌ >Ã >Ã > Ü>Þ Ì LiiwÌ Ì
iÀ V- become a lead step,” she says, “simply Reduced a
panies. The vast majority of now-remote because these tools allow us to engage great deal
workers said their experience has been with a workforce that is now everywhere
positive, and nearly half reported an and needing information.” Increases in productivity were highest
increase in their productivity. among digitally mature organizations.
It’s likely, says Gilliland, that the work-
The key to the success? The evidence force will continue to be everywhere. Early or 36%
is in the data. The executives whose While respondents guessed that only developing
companies were further along the road 43% of their workforces will remain re-
to digital transformation were three mote post pandemic (compared to 61% Advanced 44%
times as likely to report “excellent” these past several months), Gilliland
remote working experiences as those notes that the survey was conducted be- Mature 61%
in the early or developing stages. And fore it became clear that remote working
gains in productivity were more evident would be necessary—and feasible—for SOURCE: LAWLESS RESEARCH, 2020
the more mature these companies were. so long. In industries such as technology,
he predicts, the percentage working
As one respondent put it, “We saw remotely will be closer to 70%, with
a rise in productivity and an increase in companies—and employees—reaping
actual hours worked.” LiiwÌÃ Ì
>Ì VÕ`i Ì Þ «À`ÕVÌÛ-
ity but also cost savings and increased
These gains represent an enormous employee and customer satisfaction.
change from the results Lawless report-
ed in a similar study it conducted for
Cherwell empowers organizations to improve service experiences and
CWVQOCVG YQTMƃQYU WUKPI FCVC VJCV UVTGVEJGU CETQUU EQPVGZVU CPF DWUKPGUU
units. For more information, visit www.cherwell.com.
82 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
Illustration by MUTI/FOLIO ART BALANCING WORK
AND FAMILY
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED JULY–AUGUST 2019
A Working
Parent’s
Survival
Guide
The five big challenges—
and how to deal with them
→ by DAISY DOWLING
JACOB WAS A PARTNER AT a respected consulting firm
and—to his delight—an expectant father. As the due date
loomed, though, he became increasingly apprehensive.
How would he and his wife, who worked long hours as a
physician, find optimal childcare? Was it possible to use his
firm’s generous paternity leave without negative judgment
from his colleagues and clients? And with his “road warrior”
schedule, how could he be a present, loving father to his
new daughter?
Gabriela, a venture-capital fundraiser, went to great
lengths to balance the needs of sophisticated investors,
her firm’s partners, and her two small children. But she
frequently felt overloaded and wondered if her managers
83HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
BAL ANCING WORK AND FAMILY
A WORKING PARENT’S SURVIVAL GUIDE
looked askance at her trips to the limited to the United States; statistics are strains they’re facing, they immediately
pediatrician’s office and preschool. She equally striking in other countries. feel more capable and in charge, which
confessed to some nervousness about then opens the door to some concrete,
her typical 5:30 PM departure from the The problem is real and pervasive, and feasible fixes.
office (“I never used to leave so early”), for moms and dads coping with it day to
and she worried that she wasn’t being day, it can seem overwhelming. Working In this article, we’ll take a closer look
offered stretch assignments that would parenthood requires you to handle an at the core challenges, and then we’ll
lead to promotion. endless stream of to-dos, problems, and cover a few effective ways to address
awkward situations. There’s no play- them. We’ll also see how Jacob, Gabriela,
Connie was a senior IT manager at book or clear benchmarks for success, and Connie successfully put these ideas
a consumer-products company and a and candid discussion with managers into practice—and how you can, too.
single mother to a teenage son. She was can feel taboo; you might worry about
having a tough time helping him nav- being labeled as unfocused, whiny, or Understanding the
igate the complex college-admissions worse. Moreover, the problem persists Five Core Challenges
process while delivering against tight for 18 years or more, without ever getting
turnarounds at work. And each late night much easier. Years in, you may still When facing the pressures of working
at the office was a stark reminder of how feel as stressed as you did right after parenthood, ask yourself: What kind of
little time she had left with him at home. parental leave. difficulty am I dealing with? Most likely,
Under the strain, Connie found herself it’s one or more of the following.
becoming snappish at work—which se- Under these conditions, it’s normal
nior management had begun to notice. to get tired, doubt your own choices and Transition. This challenge occurs
performance, and view your life as a when your status quo has been upended
Jacob, Gabriela, and Connie—I’ve constant, high-stakes improvisation. But and you’re scrambling to adapt. Going
changed their names and certain details it doesn’t have to be that way. We can all back to work after parental leave is the
about them here—are smart, hardwork- gain more calm, confidence, and control, classic, visible example. But work-
ing professionals, deeply committed to thereby strengthening our ability to ing-parent transitions occur regularly,
their organizations. But they are just succeed at—and even enjoy—working in many different forms. The kids get
as committed to their children. So all parenthood. out of school for the summer and their
three are grappling with what I call the schedules shift; you hire a new sitter and
working-parent problem: the enormous Over the past 15 years, first as in- have to integrate her into your family’s
task, both logistical and emotional, of house chief of leadership development routine; as you walk in the door after
earning a living and building a career at two Fortune 500 organizations and a business trip, you have to suddenly
while being an engaged and loving now as an independent executive coach pivot from professional to caregiving
mother or father. focused exclusively on working-parent mode.
concerns, I’ve taught and counseled
They’re not alone. More than 50 mil- hundreds of men and women, includ- Practicalities. This challenge consists
lion Americans are juggling jobs and ing the three described above, who of all the to-dos and logistical matters,
child-rearing—and finding that hard to are struggling to combine careers and large and small, that consume so much
do. In fact, according to a 2015 study by children—and I’ve “been there” as of your days—and nights. Searching
Pew Research Center, 65% of working a working mother myself. While the for the right childcare, making it to the
parents with college degrees—who have challenges we face are many and vary pediatrician’s appointment on time (and
better career and earning prospects than in detail, the majority fall into five core then dashing to the pharmacy to pick
less-educated parents—reported that it categories: transition, practicalities, up the antibiotics), getting the kids fed
was “somewhat difficult” or “very diffi- communication, loss, and identity. each evening, and taking an important
cult” to meet the simultaneous demands When people I’ve worked with recog- conference call with a fussy toddler in the
of work and family. And the issue isn’t nize this and learn to see patterns in the background all fall into this category.
84 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
The problem of working Idea in Brief
parenthood persists for 18 years or more,
without ever getting much easier.
Communication. You face this chal- framing your working-parent messages; THE PROBLEM
using “today plus 20 years” thinking; and When you become a parent, you
lenge when you’ve got working-parent revisiting and recasting your professional face new work/life challenges
matters to discuss and you find yourself identity and brand. Let’s explore each around time management,
at a loss for words or at risk of being mis- technique in turn. identity, and logistics. While
understood. Perhaps you are announc- these challenges can never
ing a pregnancy, asking your boss for a Rehearsing. Transitions are inevi- be fully resolved, they can be
flexible working arrangement, negoti- table, but they’re made easier through preempted, mitigated, and
ating the daycare pickup schedule with practice. For example, if you’re return- managed.
your partner, or telling your five-year-old ing from parental leave, stage an “as if”
that you’ll be traveling for work again. morning a few days early: Get the baby THE SOLUTION
The stakes are high, and your intentions ready, do the caregiving handover, and Five strategies can help you
are good. But the honest, constructive commute as though you’re really going balance job and family: rehearse
conversation you want to have feels to work. If you’re switching childcare transitions, such as by practicing
frustratingly out of reach. providers, make the new sitter’s first day your commute and childcare
a dry run while you work from home, handoff before returning from
Loss. This challenge involves a kind available for questions. If you’re coming parental leave; audit your
of mourning. Maybe the baby took her home from a business trip or a long stint commitments and plan your
first steps while you were at work, or at work, take a moment while en route calendar to be thoughtful about
you weren’t staffed to a career-making to plan how you’ll pivot into parenting: where you’re spending time and
project because you made a deliberate how you’ll greet the kids, how you’ll energy; frame your working-
decision to work fewer hours. Now spend the evening together. parent communications, such
you’re worried that in trying to combine as by telling colleagues when
work and family, you’ve missed out on Run-throughs like these reveal poten- you’ll be offline and why; use
what’s truly important. tial snags (drop-off takes longer than you “today plus 20 years” thinking
expected; the sitter doesn’t know where to to remind yourself how working
Identity. You experience this chal- find the extra diapers; you catch yourself now will support your family’s
lenge when grappling with the inevitable mulling over your performance review future; and revisit and recast
either/or thinking and personal conflict while putting your first-grader to bed). your professional identity, since
that comes with working parenthood. More important, rehearsing gives you time it may need to change to reflect
Will Thursday find you at your son’s to iron out the wrinkles. It gets you out of your current priorities.
debate tournament or at the big sales working-parent “improv mode” and pro-
meeting with the new client? Are you a vides a comforting sense of “I’ve got this; THE PAYOFF
hard charger or a nurturing, accessible I know that what I’m doing works.” Equipping yourself with specific,
parent? Which is right, and which is you? practical strategies will help
You wish you had clearer answers. Auditing and planning. Like every ensure you are both the parent
busy working parent, you’re doing more and the professional you want
Solutions—and Prevention and have a broader range of commit- to be.
ments than ever before. That means that
As every working parent knows, these you need to become as mindful and delib- and obligations you could have put off,
challenges are never 100% resolved. erate as possible about where your time handled more efficiently, delegated,
They can, however, be preempted, mit- and sweat equity are going and why—or automated, or said no to over the past
igated, and managed. Five of the most risk practical-challenge overload. week—and then do the same for the
powerful ways to do that are by rehears- week ahead. If you don’t have to be at
ing your transitions; auditing your com- Try sitting down with your complete an upcoming meeting, for example,
mitments and planning your calendar; calendar, your to-do list(s), and a red bow out and free up the hour; if you’re
pen. Highlight the commitments, tasks, ordering the same household products
each week, set up regular delivery. Be
85HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
BAL ANCING WORK AND FAMILY
A WORKING PARENT’S SURVIVAL GUIDE
What Managers Can Do A statement like that will work much bet-
ter than a sheepish “I’m headed out for
The greatest force for visible in your workspace. things going?” can launch a few hours,” because it brings listeners
retaining and engaging Allow access to your calendar a productive, solutions- into your full professional and personal
working parents? Managers so the team can see your focused conversation. plan, allays any concerns about progress
on the front lines. Here personal obligations. Send a on pressing work, and showcases your
are things leaders should clear message that it’s OK to Minimize beginning- and dedication to the team. You’ve taken
know and do to support the be family-focused and that end-of-day commitments. control of your own narrative and kept it
mothers and fathers driving you yourself are. Schedule internal or elective positive and authentic, while minimizing
their teams’ performance. meetings outside the hours in the chance of misunderstandings.
Publicize company benefits. which parents need to handle
Understand the demo- The emergency backup care caregiving transitions. (You’re Using “today plus 20 years” think-
graphic. Working parents your organization sponsors not lowering expectations for ing. As a professional, you probably have
come in all packages: male won’t help keep people on the participation—just
and female; biological, job unless they know about shifting them.) incentives to focus on the intermediate
adoptive, and foster; it and know how to use it. term: You’re rewarded for completing
straight and LGBTQ; raising Stay current on available Be an informal connector. that six-month project, meeting your
children of all ages. All resources and make sure Introduce the expectant annual revenue targets, and delivering
need—and deserve—the working parents in your group father on your team to a compelling three-year strategy plan.
same organizational and are informed, too. colleagues who have taken But as a working mother or father, that
managerial support. paternity leave. Host a lunch time horizon is emotionally treacherous;
Coach and mentor using for parents in the department it’s where much of the working-parent
Demonstrate personal open-ended questions. A to swap tips about work downside sits and where the potential
commitment. Keep pictures simple “What do you think it travel. People will feel sense of loss looms largest. If you’re just
of your own family, including will be like when you return supported and gain practical back from parental leave, for example,
children if you have them, from leave?” or “How are “what works here” advice. sitting miserably at your desk and miss-
ing the baby, it can be crushing to think
ruthless—and look for themes. Maybe Framing. To make any working- forward six months or a year.
you have a hard time declining volunteer
requests from the kids’ school, or you parent communication easier and more So try this instead when you’re
routinely run too many revisions on the effective, think of yourself as putting it feeling conflicted or confronting the loss
quarterly budget numbers. inside a frame, defined on four sides by challenge: Think very short term and
your priorities, next steps, commitment, very long term—at the same time. Yes,
Practically, this exercise can create and enthusiasm. you do miss the baby terribly right now,
some much-needed slack in your calen- but you’ll be home to see her in a few
dar and shorten your to-do list. Emotion- Let’s say it’s a particularly hectic after- hours—and years from now you know
ally, it gives you a sense of agency: You’re noon at work, but you need to duck out you’ll have provided her with a superb
being proactive and taking charge. And of the office for your daughter’s ballet example of tenacity, career commit-
the personal insights that come out of it recital. Tell colleagues, “I’m leaving now ment, and hard work. In other words,
(“I say yes too often”; “I can be a perfec- for my daughter’s recital, but I’ll be back acknowledge the reality and depth of
tionist”) help you make more-conscious at 3:30. I’ll tackle the marketing sum- your current feelings, identify a point
judgments about your time and your mary then, so we have a fresh version to of imminent relief, and then project far
commitments for the future. review tomorrow. I’m looking forward forward, to ultimate, positive outcomes.
to getting this in front of the client!”
Revisiting and recasting. Most of us
have deeply ingrained views of who we
are as professionals and how we wish to
86 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
We can all gain more calm, confidence, and control,
thereby strengthening our ability to succeed at—and even
enjoy—working parenthood.
be known. But it’s important to revisit advisory projects through. To Jacob’s Connie realized that the combination
and update the details of those identities surprise, the message was warmly of job pressures and her son’s impending
and brands after becoming parents. If received; it even allowed him to deepen departure for college had created new
responsiveness has always been a key and personalize several relationships challenges in her working-parent life.
part of your identity, for example, now that had previously been all business. Together, we came up with a plan to
during family dinner you’re likely to feel Next, after carefully auditing his post- mitigate the effects on her personally
torn: irresponsible if you ignore your leave calendar, Jacob determined that a and professionally. After auditing her
smartphone and guilt-ridden as a parent number of his work meetings in faraway calendar and her to-dos, she delegated
if you check it. What used to be a positive cities could be done remotely, freeing up several recurring tasks to more-junior
career differentiator has become a classic additional precious time to spend with members of her team and dedicated the
no-win situation, and you’ve lost both his little girl. (Later, when he was on the hours saved to a weekly evening outing
pride in your professional self and the road, he reminded himself that the trip with her son. When college-application
happy moment of being an engaged was short and the return home would and work deadlines collided, she used
mom or dad, eating with the kids. be joyous—and that his career success framing techniques to calmly explain her
would help ensure a stable financial time out of the office to her colleagues
To be clear, recasting doesn’t mean future for the entire family.) During his instead of snapping at them, and she
lowering your standards; it means month at home, he and his wife also used the “today plus 20 years” tool to put
defining important new ones. To help in anticipated and rehearsed their care- her situation into perspective. Addition-
the process, try completing the follow- giving plans, deciding that they would ally, when her son was away visiting
ing sentences: “I am a working-parent ask for supplemental help from family colleges, Connie rehearsed her evenings
professional who…”; “I prioritize work members on the days she was on call. and weekends as an empty nester. With
responsibilities when…”; and “My kids Several months into working fatherhood, new habits in place, her stress subsided.
come before work when….” Through this Jacob reported being busier than ever
exercise, you may decide that instead but feeling in charge and on track. WO R K I N G PA R E N T H O O D I S N ’ T easy.
of putting so much weight on being re- It’s a big, complex, emotional, chronic,
sponsive, you choose to think of yourself As for Gabriela, she concluded that in and sometimes all-consuming struggle.
as an efficient, thoughtful, or articulate trying to be all things to all people, she But as with any challenge, the more you
communicator—and you may vow that had taken on too much. Recasting her break it down, the less daunting it be-
barring a work emergency, your kids take identity as “future partner in the firm comes. With a clearer view of the issues
precedence during dinner. and devoted mom” helped her identify you’re facing, and with specific strategies
commitments that didn’t align with either for managing them, you’ll be better able
Putting It All Together role. She kept all her investor responsibil- to succeed at work—and be the mother
ities, continued leaving the office at the or father you want to be at home.
Remember Jacob, the expectant father? same time, and went to the pediatrician’s
Like most working parents, he was when needed. But she quietly began HBR Reprint R1904L
feeling the pressures of multiple core cutting back on internal work—such as
challenges, and he wanted to contain organizing the firm’s annual retreat—and Daisy Dowling is the founder and CEO of
their impact on his upcoming parental she limited her volunteerism at the kids’ Workparent, the executive coaching and
leave and eventual return to work. He school to one event per semester. The training firm, and the author of Workparent:
began by framing his conversations professional-recasting process also gave The Complete Guide to Succeeding on the
with clients: announcing his impending her the time, clarity, and confidence to Job, Staying True to Yourself, and Raising
absence, previewing his time out of the prepare for effective conversations with Happy Kids (HBR Press, 2021).
office, reiterating his dedication, and de- her managers, in which she better framed
scribing how his team would see critical her ambitions and desired schedule.
87HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
BALANCING WORK Illustration by CALVIN SPRAGUE
AND FAMILY
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED MARCH–APRIL 2020
What’s Really
Holding
Women Back?
It’s not what most people think.
→ by ROBIN J. ELY and IRENE PADAVIC
A S S C H O L A RS O F G E N D E R I N E Q UA L I T Y in the workplace, we
are routinely asked by companies to investigate why they are
having trouble retaining women and promoting them to senior
ranks. It’s a pervasive problem. Women made remarkable prog-
ress accessing positions of power and authority in the 1970s and
1980s, but that progress slowed considerably in the 1990s
and has stalled completely in this century.
Ask people why women remain so dramatically under-
represented, and you will hear from the vast majority a
lament—an unfortunate but inevitable “truth”—that goes
something like this: High-level jobs require extremely long
hours, women’s devotion to family makes it impossible for
them to put in those hours, and their careers suffer as a result.
We call this explanation the work/family narrative. In a 2012
survey of more than 6,500 Harvard Business School alumni
from many different industries, 73% of men and 85% of women
invoked it to explain women’s stalled advancement. Believ-
ing this explanation doesn’t mean it’s true, however, and our
research calls it seriously into question.
88 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
89HBR Special Issue
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BAL ANCING WORK AND FAMILY
WHAT’S REALLY HOLDING WOMEN BACK?
We heard this explanation a few years observed made us question why the We also found incongruities within
ago from a global consulting firm that, story had such a powerful grip—even the work/family rhetoric itself. Take the
having had no success with off-the-shelf on the firm’s data-minded analysts, way this man summed up the problem:
solutions, sought our help in under- who should have recognized it as “Women are going to have kids and not
standing how its culture might be ham- a fiction. want to work, or they are going to have
pering its women employees. The kids and might want to work but won’t
firm recruits from elite colleges and MBA Consider retention. Although one of want to travel every week and live the
programs and ranks near the top of lists the firm’s motives for reaching out to lifestyle that consulting requires, of
of prestigious consultancies, but like us was that it wanted help addressing 60- or 70-hour weeks.” Resolute in his
most other professional services firms, “women’s higher turnover rate,” when conviction that women’s personal prefer-
it has few female partners. we took a careful look at its data for the ences were the obstacle to their suc-
preceding three years, we discovered cess, he was unable to account for such
We worked with the firm for 18 virtually no difference in turnover rates anomalies as childless women, whose
months, during which time we inter- for women and men. promotion record was no better than
viewed 107 consultants—women and that of mothers. In his calculation all
men, partners and associates. Virtually Another disconnect: Whereas firm women were mothers, a conflation that
everybody resorted to some version of members attributed distress over work/ was common in our interviews. Childless
the work/family narrative to explain the family conflict primarily to women, we women figured nowhere in people’s re-
paucity of female partners. But as we found that many men were suffering, marks, perhaps because they contradict
reported last year with our colleague too. “I was traveling three days a week the work/family narrative.
Erin Reid, the more time we spent with and seeing my children once or twice a
people at the firm, the more we found week for 45 minutes before they went to In a final disconnect, many of those
that their explanations didn’t correspond bed,” one told us. He recalled a particu- we spoke with described experiences
with the data. Women weren’t held back larly painful Saturday when he told his that called into question the work/family
because of trouble balancing the com- son he couldn’t come to his soccer game. narrative’s foundational premise: that
peting demands of work and family— “He burst into tears,” the man said. “I 24/7 work schedules are unavoidable.
men, too, suffered from the balance wanted to quit then and there.” Two- They talked about devoting long hours to
problem and nevertheless advanced. thirds of the associates we talked to who practices that were costly and unneces-
Women were held back because, unlike were fathers reported this kind of work/ sary, chief among them overselling and
men, they were encouraged to take ac- family conflict, but only one was taking overdelivering. We heard many stories
commodations, such as going part-time accommodations to ease it. of partners who, as one associate put it,
and shifting to internally facing roles, “promise the client the moon” without
which derailed their careers. The real Accommodations were another area thinking of how much time and energy
culprit was a general culture of overwork in which the firm’s narrative and its data it takes to deliver on such promises. The
that hurt both men and women and didn’t line up. Employees who took ad- pitch goes like this, he explained: “We’ll
locked gender inequality in place. vantage of them—virtually all of whom do X, Y, and Z, and we’re going to do it all
were women—were stigmatized and in half the time that you think it should
What People Told Us— saw their careers derailed. The upshot take.” Clients are wowed and can’t wait
and What the Data Showed for women at the individual level was to sign up, he told us.
sacrifices in power, status, and income;
On several dimensions, the firm’s data at the collective level, it meant the con- Associates felt pressured to go along
revealed a reality very different from tinuation of a pattern in which powerful with these demands for overwork be-
the story employees told us—and were positions remained the purview of men. cause they wanted to stand out as stars
telling themselves. The disconnects we Perversely, in its attempt to solve the amid their highly qualified colleagues.
problem of women’s stalled advance- ‘‘We do these crazy slide decks that take
ment, the firm was perpetuating it.
90 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
For the firm to address its gender problem, it would
have to address its long-hours problem. And the way to start would
be to stop overselling and overdelivering.
hours and hours of work,” one said. “It’s clung reflexively to an empirically dubi- Idea in Brief
this attitude of, ‘I’m going to kill the cli- ous belief in the work/family narrative. As
ent with a 100-slide deck.’ But the client thoughtful as they were, it was a puzzle THE PROBLEM
can’t use all that!’’ Another associate why they continued to rely on a “solu- To explain why women are still
ruefully described all the weekends she tion” that only perpetuated the problem. having trouble accessing posi-
had devoted to these sorts of tasks. “I tions of power and authority in
just worked really, really hard,” she told The firm was not atypical in this re- the workplace, many observers
us, “and sacrificed family stuff, sacrificed gard. Research shows that a 24/7 culture point to the challenge of man-
my health for it, and at the end of the creates discontent for women and men aging the competing demands
day, I look back on it, ‘Well, did we really alike and that the “accommodations” of work and family. But the data
have to do that? Probably not.’” solution, ironically, tends to derail the ca- doesn’t support that narrative.
reers of highly qualified women, leaving
We pointed out these disconnects to companies’ senior ranks depleted of some THE RESEARCH
the firm’s leaders, challenging the work/ of their brightest female stars. Studies The authors conducted a
family narrative as oversimplified and show an additional irony: Long hours long-term study of beliefs and
offering a broader, more-nuanced, and don’t raise productivity. In fact, they have practices at a global consulting
data-driven explanation: What really been associated with decreases in perfor- firm. The problem, they found,
held women back was the crushing mance and increases in sick-leave costs. was not the work/family chal-
culture of overwork at the firm. The lenge itself but a general culture
unnecessarily long hours were detrimen- Considering those downsides, we of overwork in which women
tal to everyone, we explained, but they asked: Why do companies continue on were encouraged to take career-
disproportionately penalized women the same work/life balance path derailing accommodations to
because, unlike men, many of them take and disregard the possibility of institut- meet the demands of work and
accommodations, which exact a steep ing more-humane work hours? family.
career price.
We suspected that in the answer lay THE WAY FORWARD
All this led us to what we felt was an something profound but hidden—not This culture of overwork
inescapable conclusion: For the firm to just at our client firm but in corporate punishes not just women but
address its gender problem, it would culture generally. Perhaps the work/ also men, although to a lesser
have to address its long-hours problem. family narrative is so pervasive and degree. Only by recognizing and
And the way to start would be to stop tenacious because it feeds into an elab- addressing the problem as one
overselling and overdelivering. orate system of social and psychological that affects all employees will
defenses that protect both women and we have a chance of achieving
The leaders reacted negatively to this men from the disturbing emotions that workplace equality.
feedback. They continued to maintain arise from the demand for long work
that women were failing to advance hours. We decided to investigate. 91HBR Special Issue
because they had difficulty balancing Winter 2020
work and family, and they insisted that Unconscious
any solution had to target women specif- Psychological Defenses
ically. Unable to convince them other- and Universal Beliefs
wise, we were at a loss for how to help,
and the engagement effectively ended. We returned to our interviews, this time
paying special attention not only to
But we kept thinking about the what interviewees had said (or hadn’t)
situation. The firm’s leaders were smart, but also to how they had said it. The ex-
empirically minded, and well-meaning, ercise was illuminating. Consciously or
and yet they had dismissed the data and
One “push” factor was the poor reputation of female
partners with children. We heard them described as “horrible”
women who were not “positive role models of working moms.”
unconsciously, virtually all the employ- work. Conflict relegated to the uncon- too. When my first child was born, I got
ees we had talked to revealed that they scious merely hides; it isn’t resolved, and to carry her from the delivery room to
were emotionally conflicted by the firm’s anxieties continually poke through to the nursery. It’s almost like I could
relentless demand for 24/7 availability conscious awareness, experienced differ- feel the chemicals releasing in my brain.
and the daily choices that demand forced ently among women than among men. I fell so chemically, deeply, in love with
them to make between family and work. my daughter. I couldn’t imagine a world
The unease thus created set the stage for The Problem for Men without her. I mean, here it was in [just]
protective measures to kick in—measures the first eight minutes of her life. So I can
that would keep the firm’s leaders from In a long-hours work culture, men understand, ‘How can I possibly give this
having to face up to the devil’s choice have one primary identity: that of an up and go back to work?’”
they were handing their employees, and ideal worker, fully committed and fully
employees from having to face up to the available. To fit this image, they must But back to work he went. And what
price of whichever choice they made. adopt the psychological stance of “my was his takeaway from this emotionally
job is all-important.” Nonwork identities, charged experience? A sense that he
The linchpin of those protective no matter how personally meaningful, better understood the difficulties women
measures was a belief in women’s become contingent and secondary. face in trying to balance work and family!
natural fitness for family, and in men’s Naturally, this imperative to be an ideal To banish his guilt and sadness about
for work. At the employee level, they worker generates internal conflict, espe- returning to his highly demanding work-
appeared as unconscious psychological cially for parents. weeks, he projected his intense emotional
defense mechanisms that reinforced experience onto the women at the firm—
the gendered work/family split. At the The men we talked to clearly felt a move that allowed him to let go of those
organizational level, they emerged as the guilty about how little time they spent feelings while still identifying with them.
universally held belief in the work/family with their families. They spoke poi-
narrative and in the form of policies that, gnantly about their deep emotional Let’s unpack his story. He started with
as with accommodations, effectively attachment to them, told us how much a distinction between women and men,
took women off the partnership path. they regretted the time spent away from linking motherhood to biology.
These employee-level and firm-level them, and described in heart-wrenching It is women, not men, he suggested,
dynamics operated together to create the detail their interactions with disap- who have the parenting experience.
firm’s social defense system. pointed children. He abruptly changed course to speak
about his own intensely emotional and
All parties benefited from these Men employed one key psychological biologically determined parenting expe-
measures in the short run. Firm leaders tactic to manage these emotions: They rience but then changed course again,
could deflect responsibility for the lack split off their guilt and sadness, pro- distancing himself from that experi-
of women partners on the grounds that it jected those feelings onto women at the ence and projecting it onto women. In
was inescapable. Employees could make firm, and identified with them there, at effect, he was saying, “I was having this
some semblance of peace with their a bit of a remove. Consider the psycho- experience, but it was transient, and now
decisions: Men could justify as inevitable logical jujitsu one man performed as he that I’ve sampled it, now that I’ve been
the sacrifices they’d made in ratcheting drew on the work/family narrative to a tourist in this emotional land, I have a
up at work, and women could justify explain women’s lack of advancement way to understand what is happening to
as natural the sacrifices they’d made in the firm. “I believe deeply in my heart women.” The emotions he had experi-
in ratcheting down. And all the while, and soul that women encounter different enced, in other words, were no longer
the firm’s long-hours culture remained challenges,” he said. “There’s the collu- his. They now belonged to women.
unchallenged. sion of society that it’s the woman who
takes the extended maternity leave, and At that point he shifted the conver-
But as with all defensive maneuvers, there are some biological imperatives, sation to the male-dominated world of
this social defense system didn’t fully work. He told us about his time in the
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BAL ANCING WORK AND FAMILY
WHAT’S REALLY HOLDING WOMEN BACK?
beer industry, a domain that, as he put willingly complied with the family- cultural dictate that they become the
it, consists of “men slapping each other devotion schema but struggled openly primary family caregiver, allowing men
on the back and talking about golf and with the idea of splitting off the work to identify vicariously with that split-off
s--- like that.” In his telling, there was component of their identities. aspect of themselves—but they didn’t
no room in this domain for the emo- shed their work identities. Thus the psy-
tional experience of parenting, which That ambivalence is clear in the chological resolution that men found,
he implicitly relegated to the world of account of one mother, who talked having made the “right” choice in fully
women. Men and women, he said, just about her inability to shirk responsibili- committing themselves to a work iden-
have different commitments to work ties on the home front despite having a tity, was unavailable to women, who had
and family. “I can’t think of a single in- family-oriented husband. “There’s just made the “wrong” choice in not fully
stance,” he told us, “where the fella took a difference between the way a mother committing themselves to a family iden-
a six-month paternity leave to care for and a father look at their kids and the tity. Working women in this situation are
the baby while mom went back to work.” sense of responsibility that they feel,” left with identities constructed as con-
she told us. “I feel my male counterparts tradictory, forcing them to constantly
This man was not alone in setting up can more easily disconnect from what’s assess whether they should ratchet
women as the organizational bearers of happening at home....If I did sort of down their career aspirations.
distress about curtailed family time. That disconnect, things wouldn’t fall apart,
psychological defense gave many men at but I wouldn’t feel good about it, so it’s Adding to this tension at the firm were
the firm the illusion of a fulfilled life and just not going to happen.” Yet her work regular reminders that women were in
enabled them to perform as the commit- commitment was also strong, leaving the wrong place by being at work instead
ted workers the firm valorized. But the her at a loss for knowing whether her of at home—“push” factors that women
defense was only a Band-Aid; reality—the family responsibilities would allow her had to withstand if they wanted to
on-the-ground, relentless demands of the space to develop professionally. “I retain their work identities as ambitious
family—was not so easily banished. know I’ll fall down from time to time,” professionals.
she said. “I know I need to learn…I don’t
The Problem for Women doubt myself....It’s more from a place of The Power of
needing to learn and needing to grow. “Push” Factors
Women experience a different psychic I doubt myself generally in being able to
tension. According to the work/family honor that while also honoring the com- One particularly strong push factor that
narrative and broader cultural notions, mitments I’ve made to my family. That women encounter is work/family accom-
their commitment to family is primary is a constant worry.” The ambivalence modations. Going part-time or shifting to
by nature, so their commitment to work she felt about her career is on full display internally facing roles provides an entic-
has to be secondary. They are expected here. She embraced her family identity ing off-ramp from the path of overwork,
to embrace an intensive, “my family is but was unwilling to relinquish her work but those moves stigmatize women and
all-important” approach to parenting, identity, which is why she could say that derail their careers. Female associates
a stance encouraged by the firm’s readily she didn’t doubt herself but then go on at the firm who took accommodations
accessible accommodations. But a to say that she did. generally fell off the track to partner;
family-first stance comes at a significant female partners who took them veered
cost to their careers and flies in the face Many other women at the firm sim- away from the route to real power.
of their professional ambitions. ilarly struggled with the work/family
narrative’s injunction to reject the role Many women at the firm described
Most of the firm’s women had tasted of ambitious professional. This meant having to resist a second push factor:
professional success and resisted the that they weren’t able to reap all its the pressure to give up what they saw
idea that they belonged at home, which psychological benefits as a social de- as their relational style in favor of the
made this tension especially acute. They fense. They willingly complied with the hard-charging “masculine” style the
93HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
BAL ANCING WORK AND FAMILY
WHAT’S REALLY HOLDING WOMEN BACK?
firm venerated in client interactions. positioned to be seen as subpar perform- costs. If we want to solve this problem,
One female partner told us how an early ers or subpar mothers—or both. This we must reconsider what we’re willing
mentor warned that relying on her well- dilemma leaves the culture of overwork to allow the workplace to demand of
honed relationship-building skills would intact, allows firms to deflect responsi- all employees. Such a reconsideration
communicate to prospective clients that bility for women’s stalled advancement, is possible. As individual families and
“you don’t have a lot going on between and locks gender inequality in place. employees push back against overwork,
your ears.” In other words, her skill set Women are the ones who have a work/ they will pave the way for others to
didn’t cut the mustard. Such assess- family problem to sort out, the story follow. And as more research shows the
ments loosened women’s identification goes, and that’s just the way it is. business advantage of reasonable hours,
with work while affirming a style more some employers will come to question
commonly associated with men, further S O C I A L D E F E N S E SYS T E M S are insidi- the wisdom of grueling schedules. If and
encouraging women to step back. ous. They divert attention from a core when those forces gain traction, neither
anxiety-provoking problem by introduc- women nor men will feel the need to
A third push factor was the poor rep- ing a less-anxiety-provoking one that can sacrifice the home or the work domain,
utation of female partners with children, serve as a substitute focus. At our client demand for change will swell, and
whose mothering was roundly con- firm, the core problem was the impos- women may begin to achieve workplace
demned. These were formidable women sibly long work hours, and the substi- equality with men.
who had held fast to their professional tute problem was the firm’s inability to
identities and achieved much recognition promote women. By presenting work/ HBR Reprint R2002C
and success—achievements contradict- family accommodations as the solu-
ing the idea that it is impossible to meet tion to the substitute problem, the firm Robin J. Ely is the Diane Doerge Wilson
the demands of both work and family. added to an invisible and self-reinforcing Professor of Business Administration at
One could imagine their being held up as social-defense system—one that cloaked Harvard Business School and the faculty
exemplars, but we heard them routinely inefficient work practices in the rhetoric chair of the HBS Gender Initiative. Irene
described as bad mothers—“horrible” of necessity while perpetuating gender Padavic is the Mildred and Claude Pepper
women who were not “positive role mod- disparities. This move gave firm leaders Distinguished Professor of Sociology at
els of working moms.” For junior women an unresolvable and therefore always Florida State University.
facing decisions about being good moth- available problem to worry about, which
ers and having successful careers, such in turn allowed everybody to avoid con-
condemnation implies that professional fronting the core problem. As a result,
commitment exacts a terrible cost. two strongly held ideologies supporting
the status quo remained in place: Long
With these push factors constantly work hours are necessary, and women’s
reminding women that they don’t really stalled advancement is inevitable.
belong in the workplace, it’s no wonder
that women are often ambivalent about Our findings align with a growing
their career commitments. When faced consensus among gender scholars:
with the long-hours problem, they find What holds women back at work is not
themselves on the horns of a dilemma: If some unique challenge of balancing the
they respond to the pull of family by tak- demands of work and family but rather
ing accommodations, they undermine a general problem of overwork that pre-
their status at work, but if they refuse vails in contemporary corporate culture.
accommodations in favor of their profes-
sional ambitions, they undermine their Women and men alike suffer as a re-
status as good mothers. Thus they are sult. But women pay higher professional
94 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
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BALANCING WORK
AND FAMILY
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER–OCTOBERT 2019 children from their former marriages),
and succeeding in his demanding job.
How Dual-Career When he began to question his own
Couples Make career direction, he wondered how the
It Work two of them could manage to change
course. They couldn’t afford to take time
Successful partnerships sidestep predictable traps out from work, nor could they take much
and master three challenging transitions. time to reflect and keep their family and
relationship afloat. Frustrated and ex-
→ by JENNIFER PETRIGLIERI hausted, both wondered how they could
continue to find meaning and fulfillment
C A M I L L E A N D P I E R R E M E T in their early names.) Bruised by their past experi- in their lives.
forties after each one’s marriage had ences, they agreed to place their careers
ended. Both were deeply committed to on an equal footing. Initially things went Dual-earner couples are on the rise.
their careers and to their new relation- smoothly, but two years in, Camille be- According to Pew Research, in 63% of
ship. Camille, an accountant, had felt gan to feel trapped on a professional path couples with children in the United
pressured by her ex-husband to slow that she realized she had chosen because States, for example, both partners work
her progress toward partnership at her “that was what the smart kids did.” (this figure is slightly higher in the EU).
firm. Pierre, a production manager at an Many of these are dual-career couples:
automotive company, was embroiled in Mindful of their pact, Pierre calmly Both partners are highly educated, work
a bitter divorce from his wife, who had listened to her doubts and encouraged full-time in demanding professional or
given up her career to accommodate her to explore alternatives. But as managerial jobs, and see themselves on
the geographic moves that his required. the months wore on, he began to feel an upward path in their roles. For these
(As with the other couples I’ve profiled weighed down as he juggled providing couples, as for Pierre and Camille, work
in this article, these aren’t their real emotional support to Camille, navigating is a primary source of identity and a
their complex family logistics (both had primary channel for ambition. Evidence
is mounting from sociological research
that when both partners dedicate
themselves to work and to home life,
they reap benefits such as increased
economic freedom, a more satisfying
relationship, and a lower-than-average
chance of divorce.
Because their working lives and
personal lives are deeply intertwined,
however, dual-career couples face
unique challenges. How do they decide
whose job to relocate for, when it’s OK
for one partner to make a risky career
change, or who will leave work early to
pick up a sick child from school? How
can they give family commitments—and
each other—their full attention while
both of them are working in demanding
Illustration by CALVIN SPRAGUE 97HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
BAL ANCING WORK AND FAMILY
HOW DUAL-CAREER COUPLES MAKE IT WORK
roles? And when one of them wants to that dual-career couples overcome their Emily was pregnant with their first child,
undertake a professional reinvention, challenges by directly addressing deeper Jamal’s boss asked him to run a critical
what does that mean for the other? They psychological and social forces—such as infrastructure project in Mexico. Jamal
must work out these questions together, struggles for power and control; personal agreed to spend three weeks out of every
in a way that lets both thrive in love and hopes, fears, and losses; and assump- month in Mexico City; designating some
work. If they don’t, regrets and imbal- tions and cultural expectations about the of his pay raise to extra child care would
ances quickly build up, threatening roles partners should play in each other’s allow Emily to keep working in Hous-
to hinder their careers, dissolve their lives and what it means to have a good ton, where they lived. But when their
relationship, or both. relationship or career. daughter, Aisha, was born two weeks
early, Jamal was stuck in the Mexico
Many of these challenges are well I also discovered that three transition City airport waiting for a flight home.
recognized, and I’ve previously written points typically occur during dual-career Soon Emily, who was single-handedly
in HBR about how companies can adapt couples’ working and love lives, when managing Aisha, her job, and their home,
their talent strategies to account for those forces are particularly strong. It is discovered that the additional child care
some of them (“Talent Management during these transitions, I found, that wasn’t enough; she felt overburdened
and the Dual-Career Couple,” May–June some couples craft a way to thrive in love and unappreciated. Jamal was exhausted
2018). But for the couples themselves, and work, while others are plagued by by the relentless travel and the stress of
little guidance is available. Most advice conflict and regret. By understanding the giant new project; he felt isolated,
treats major career decisions as if one is each transition and knowing what ques- incompetent, and guilty.
flying solo, without a partner, children, tions to ask each other and what traps to
or aging parents to consider. When it’s avoid, dual-career couples can emerge After many arguments, they settled on
for couples, it focuses on their relation- stronger, fulfilled in their relationships what they hoped was a practical solution:
ship, not how that intersects with their and in their careers. Because Jamal earned more, Emily took
professional dreams, or it addresses how a smaller project role that she could man-
to balance particular trade-offs, such as TRANSITION 1 age remotely, and she and Aisha joined
careers versus family, or how to priori- him in Mexico. But Emily felt discon-
tize partners’ work travel. What couples Working as a Couple nected from her company’s head office
need is a more comprehensive approach and was passed over for a promotion,
for managing the moments when com- When Jamal and Emily met, in their late and eventually she grew resentful of the
mitments and aspirations clash. twenties, trade-offs were the last thing arrangement. By the time Jamal’s boss
on their minds. They were full of energy, began talking about his next assignment,
My personal experience in a dual- optimistic, and determined to live life their fighting had become intense.
career couple, and my realization that to the fullest. Jamal, a project manager
little systematic academic research had in a civil engineering firm, traveled The first transition that dual-career
been done in this area, prompted a six- extensively for work and was given couples must navigate often comes as
year investigation into the lives of more increasingly complex projects to lead, a response to the first major life event
than 100 dual-career couples, resulting while Emily, who worked at a clothing they face together—typically a big career
in my forthcoming book, Couples That company, had just been promoted to her opportunity, the arrival of a child, or the
Work. The people I studied come from first management role. They saw each merger of families from previous rela-
around the world, range in age from mid- other mostly on weekends, which they tionships. To adapt, the partners must
twenties to mid-sixties, and represent a often spent on wilderness hiking adven- negotiate how to prioritize their careers
range of professions, from corporate ex- tures. They married 18 months after their and divide family commitments. Doing
ecutive to entrepreneur to worker in the first date. so in a way that lets them both thrive
nonprofit sector. (See the sidebar “About requires an underlying shift: They must
the Research.”) My research revealed Then, in the space of three months, move from having parallel, independent
their world changed dramatically. While
98 HBR Special Issue
Winter 2020
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