Psychology Now Vol3 2022 Revised

NEW

PsychologyVOLUME3
Now
TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR MIND
FOR A HAPPIER, HEALTHIER LIFE

“THE MAJORITY OF p1a3ge2s
PEOPLE AREN’T RACIST,
BUT BEING ANTI-RACIST OAFDEVXIPCEERT
IS VERY DIFFERENT”
THE VIRUS,
KELLE THE VACCINE
BRYAN
THE
ON WHY WE MUST ANTI-VAXXERS

TALK

MORE ABOUT

RACISM

THE SCIENCE

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UNDERSTAND NARCISSISM ADULT PLAY
VOLUME 3 STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT
REVISED BREAK BAD HABITS FOR GOOD
EDITION



PsychologyVOLUME3
Now
TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR MIND
FOR A HAPPIER, HEALTHIER LIFE

Understanding human behaviour and mental processes, whether our
own or those belonging to others, is essential if we want to make better

decisions and lead happier lives. Why do we feel certain emotions in
specific situations? Why do we behave in particular ways? And what can
we do to overcome the things that hold us back? Delve into the world of
psychology and build a better relationship with your mind. Learn how to

be kind to it, unlock its full potential and use it to your advantage.
In the pages that follow, we explore 10 common mind tricks, how to
break bad habits, the science behind love, the benefits of adult play, the
human need to belong, and how to increase willpower. We consider ways
to improve our mental health, such as overcoming jealousy, abandoning
perfectionism, embracing low-maintenance friends, and achieving
forgiveness. We also look at the psychology behind concepts such as
anticipation, false memories, escapism and past lives, and step inside the
minds of anti-vaxxers. Packed full of expert guidance from psychologists,
counsellors and other professionals, we also speak exclusively to
Kelle Bryan about the importance of talking about racism, and delve
deep into the psychology of it. The mind is a powerful tool. Learn how to
take control of your own mind today for a happier, healthier tomorrow.



VOLUME 3

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CONTENTS

8 32 48

PLAYING MIND TRICKS THE GREAT THE JOY OF LOW-
ESCAPE MAINTENANCE FRIENDS
12
34 6
THE MAGIC
OF HUGGING UNDERSTANDING 50
JEALOUSY
FALSE MEMORIES
14 38
54
THE PSYCHOLOGY WHY YOU
OF RACISM NEED A SIGNS OF A SORE LOSER
ROLE
MODEL 6 56

26 40 WHAT IS LOVE?

THE THRILL OF GET IN TOUCH 62
ANTICIPATION WITH YOUR SENSES
MAKE ME-TIME
28 42 A MUST-DO

THE DARK EVERYBODY NEEDS PSYCHOLOGY NOW
HEART OF PERFECTION SOMEBODY

6

CONTENTS

65 91 110

FIND YOUR MANTRA THE NEED TO PLEASE WHAT IT MEANS
TO BE LONELY
66 92
112
WHY DON’T WE NO MAN IS AN ISLAND
PLAY MORE? HOW TO SAY
DIFFICULT THINGS
70 96
116
ACHIEVING FORGIVENESS
I WANT TO BREAK FREE ANTICIPATORY TIMING

72 118

BAD HABITS BUILD YOUR
AND HOW TO BULLY BARRIER
BREAK THEM
122
100
SELF-CARE FOR CARERS
INSIDE THE
124
80 MINDS OF
ANTI-VAXXERS HOW TO MAKE
RESOLUTIONS (AND
THE POWER TO CHANGE
KEEP THEM)
82 104

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME THE GOOD
ARGUMENT GUIDE

88 106

SURVIVAL OF MEMORIES OF
THE KINDEST A PAST LIFE

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 7

PLAYING MIND TRICKS

PLAYING

TRICKS

All around us are cues that trigger certain
behaviours, but you probably don’t even know

they’re there. From retail
tricks to conversational
tips, we unveil ten
mind tricks that
might influence
what you say
or do

WORDS JULIE BASSETT

1Choice bias
Did you know that a lot of our
choices are influenced by internal
biases that you don’t even realise
you have? You may prefer certain
colours, certain textures, certain smells – you
probably can’t even explain why you are
drawn to those attributes. Deeper than that,
there are certain biases built in to society, an
association that a certain colour has certain
implications, for example. Rich purple is
often associated with luxury and glamour,
which can then in turn influence our buying
decisions. And yet, if asked, you probably
wouldn’t realise the exact reason you were
attracted to one item over another – the
choice bias is unconscious. Biases can be
influenced, and they often are by brands and
companies. If a brand consistently markets a
product at one price point, that is setting our
internal bias as to what the inherent value of
that product is. Then, when we see it for sale
cheaper, we’re more inclined to buy because
our bias informs us that it’s a great deal, even
if it was never worth the initial price.

8 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

PLAYING MIND TRICKS

2 Swaying choices 4 Copy cat
It might seem contradictory, but if you want to persuade someone to do something, Copying people’s behaviour
you need to give them choices. Humans desire a sense of autonomy and control. makes them more likely to like
For example, if you’re considering a service online, you’re rarely given just one you and connect with you.
subscription option. With just one option, you feel like you have no choice and This is called the ‘chameleon
there is no frame of reference for comparison, whereas if there are three options – pay monthly, effect’, which is an unconscious behaviour.
pay for three months, pay annually – you’re more likely to choose the one that appears better When we talk to someone, we tend to subtly
value, which is usually the longer term for an upfront cost that works out cheaper per month copy their posture, language and behaviour
than the monthly cost. This is what the company wants you to do. In truth, you might find that to help us fit in to our social environment.
after a month you don’t like the service, but you’ve already paid for a whole year. It would have You might even have caught yourself doing
been better value for you to pay monthly and cancel, but the range of choices persuaded you to it on occasion, maybe through slightly
commit to a year, under the illusion of free choice. mimicking a regional accent, for example.
It’s a trick you can use consciously if you
want to build a connection with someone,
whether to start a friendship or with a client
you want to work with. If they are sitting
casually, relax your own posture to make
them feel more at ease with you.

3 Creating When
atmosphere we talk to
Retail shops put a lot of effort someone, we
into creating an environment subtly copy
that encourages you to spend their posture,
language and
money. This includes the atmospheric cues behaviour
you might not even notice. Have you ever
paid much attention to the music playing
in a shop? It’s usually not loud enough for
you to consciously acknowledge but still
loud enough to hear. The right choice of
music can trigger emotions in shoppers
that encourage spending. It’s key for shops
to get the right music for the right target
demographic. Classical music is associated
with luxury and opulence, and may
encourage us to spend more to take a level
of sophistication home with us. This is great
for wine shops or stores selling luxury
homeware. Shops selling trendy
goods might play more current and
popular music to encourage you to
buy the latest items.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 9

PLAYING MIND TRICKS

5 Watching eyes
There have been various studies that look at the concept of ‘watching eyes’, images
that feature people’s eyes on them to induce certain social behaviours. It’s thought
that people behave in a cooperative manner when they feel like they are being
watched. So, if a sign says ‘No littering’ and features an image of a person’s eyes,
compliance is likely to be higher – even if we don’t realise what we’re doing. Similarly, when
asking for charitable donations or staff tips, an image featuring eyes is more likely to encourage
people to part with their cash. People are more likely to follow pro-social behaviours or act
honestly when under a watchful eye, even if it’s just a printed pair.

an image 7 Impulse buying
featuring eyes Another trick from the world of
is more likely retail is to encourage us to buy
to encourage more on impulse. Often, these
people to items are placed in the checkout
part with area and are put there deliberately to entice
their cash you to purchase. For a start, there is the fact
that you are often waiting for a minute or
two in a queue and may pick up an item out
of boredom. You also feel more pressured
to make a decision. The queue is moving so
you don’t have time to go through a decision-
making process to assess if you need an
item or not. Another factor at this point is
decision fatigue – you’ve already made so
many decisions around the store that by the
time you get to the checkout, you don’t have
the capacity left to make any more decisions,
hence acting more on impulse.

6 Right PSYCHOLOGY NOW
preference
Did you know that when we
enter a shop, most of us will
instinctively go to the right first?

Then we make our way around the store in
a counter-clockwise direction. This theory
is called the ‘invariant right’ or the ‘right turn
preference’, and it’s thought to be linked
to the fact that the majority of us are right
handed. Retail shops often take advantage
of this fact and place core products on the
right-hand side. Even if the store layout
means you have to walk to the left, you’ll
still often find that key products are placed
on the right of the aisle to encourage
you to look at those items and hopefully
spend more. In a bookshop, you might find
the current bestsellers on your right; in
supermarkets, there could be a stack of the
latest multi-buy offers.

10

PLAYING MIND TRICKS

8 Memory tricks 10 Menu tricks © Getty Images / Grivina / Jakarin2521 / Katnipjones
If you want to remember You’ve probably not
something, you need to given much thought to
constantly recall it so your a menu in a restaurant,
brain makes the necessary other than deciding
connections to commit it to memory. This what you fancy for your dinner, but there
can be something simple, like repeating are numerous hacks that restaurants use to
someone’s name in conversation when encourage you to spend more money. For
you meet them for the first time, so you a start, the most expensive items are often
remember it going forward. If you’re working listed at the top, which makes everything else
on a study project, tell someone else about seem better value. So while you might have
it and what you’re learning, as this will help otherwise just bought a main meal, because
cement the information in your brain. If you’re tricked into comparing the value, you
you’re distracted when you’re receiving new may decide to order a side as well (and end
information, you are more likely to forget up spending more than if you’d gone for the
it. Therefore, it’s important to ensure you expensive item in the first place). This also
are fully focused and repeat it back to help goes for ‘upgrade’ offers – you could double
strengthen those powers of recall. up your burger, for example, for less than the
cost of two burgers, making it seem really
the most good value. Another trick is to not print the
expensive currency symbol – without this, our brain
items are stops thinking of the numbers as values of
often listed money, which could limit our spending.
at the top

9 Confirmation
bias
Carrying on the theme of bias,
confirmation bias is also a
powerful trick our brain plays on

us. Our brain is always looking for shortcuts.
One of these is the way we seek out
information that matches a belief we already
hold. If, for example, you have an argument
with a colleague, you are more likely to
disagree with them in future conversations.
Your brain has made a negative connection
to that person. Similarly, if you have a
certain viewpoint, you will subconsciously
filter information that relates to the same
viewpoint and mentally discard information
that doesn’t match your internal narrative. It’s
important to be mindful of this internal bias,
as it can prevent us from opening our minds
and exploring different viewpoints.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 11

THE MAGIC OF HUGGING

THE

MAGIC
OF

Long periods of time without physical interaction
can play havoc with our mental health – and
there’s a big reason why

WORDS FAYE M SMITH

T he COVID-19 pandemic changed your usual eating or drinking habits. “You Why timing is everything
many things about daily life, may also experience sleep disturbances, Most of us have felt it – that awkward
especially in relation to social lack of concentration and irritability,” says moment when a hug lasts a fraction longer
contact. In fact, more than a Dr Meg Arroll, a chartered psychologist with than we wanted, resulting in a negative
third* of British people said they Healthspan. “So, if restrictions mean you feeling. “Our nervous systems respond to a
would never take hugging for granted again. cannot hug loved ones, make sure to at least hug, either with complete bodily relaxation
And there’s good reason why staying a metre talk about how you’re feeling with close (if we have a trusting relationship with the
or two away from our loved ones hit hard and friends and family.” hugger), or we can feel rigid and trapped
felt more than just inconvenient. “The reality (if we don’t),” says Audrey. Yet sadly, while
is that hugging – an action humans have The impact on mental health there’s no research to indicate the optimum
done instinctively forever – has a very real 80%** of adults in the UK said social hug duration, the length can affect the depth
impact that reaches far beyond closeness,” distancing, or ‘physical distancing’, as the of the benefits received. “A quick social hug
says psychotherapist and couples therapist World Health Organization refers to it, may act as a connector and bridge to feeling
Audrey Stephenson. “Through touch we negatively impacted their mental health. ‘we’re connected’ and ‘I exist’,” says Audrey.
soothe emotionally, regulate neurologically, Yet hugging, if we’re allowed to, could be “Yet as you relax into a long hug, you may
rest cardiovascularly and connect soulfully. a quick, cost-free solution. “Hugging has even align breath or heartbeat with the other
That’s a whole lot of loss.” Here’s why a simple many benefits to our wellbeing,” says Dr person, which can bring inner peace.”
hug can be an instant healer… Rachel Chin, a clinical psychologist from
the Pennine Care NHS Foundation Trust. It all stems back to childhood
Watch out for any warning signs “It triggers the release of the hormone There’s another reason why a cuddle
Oxytocin is also known to boost your mood, and neurotransmitter oxytocin into our makes you feel safe and secure. “Being
while reducing stress and depression. Signs body, higher levels of which are hugged can tap into muscle memory from
you’ve been lacking an essential oxytocin associated with increased feelings of being comforted as a child,” says Audrey.
release can be subtle, such as a change to relaxation and security.” This is why not being given physical
affection in early years can often impact
hugging has an impact that adult relationships. “Human contact is vital
reaches far beyond closeness over a lifetime,” says Dr Arroll. “Without
this bonding,we can grow to be insecure in
adult relationships, or simply avoid them
altogether. But the human mind is open to

12 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE MAGIC OF HUGGING

EMBRACING be the best dog breeds to improve anxiety blood pressure by 10%, and help with © Getty Images / Johanna Svennberg
THE FUTURE levels in their owners***. “Stroking and Alzheimer’s and heart disease. Prefer *Higgidy Simple Pleasures Study May 2020. **Superdrug
cuddling a pet triggers a flood of oxytocin, cats? Sphynx and Ragdoll came out as and My Online Therapy survey. ***Tombola
so physical touch with pets can help,” says two of the top depression-beating breeds,
Dr Arroll. The study also found that petting possibly due to the affection
a dog for 15 minutes could lower they demand.

With fears of new waves of 13
COVID-19 or other pandemics
surging into society, the future
of being able to hold loved ones
close or giving a quick hug to
welcome strangers is uncertain.
“Other countries and cultures have
different greetings, so it’s not the
only way to welcome others and
show affection,” says Dr Arroll. “As
humans, we are very adaptable.
What feels awkward now, such as
an elbow-to-elbow bump, could, in
time, become part of our physical
narrative. However, research
shows that although something
like a virtual hug may be a nice
gesture, it’s unlikely to have the
same psychological impact.”

change – so if you didn’t grow up with
a secure attachment, you can still develop
one later in life through self-awareness
or therapy.”

Fight off a cold
Ironically, while limiting human contact
stops germs from spreading, hugging can
actually help you fight off illness. “There’s
evidence that hugging can build your
immune system,” says Dr Arroll. “One
study of over 400 healthy adults found
that hugging boosted protection against
contracting a cold. In those who did develop
a cold, greater frequency of hugs led to
less severe symptoms.” Although this
shouldn’t be a reason to ignore any
government guidelines.

Get that ‘feel good’ factor back
There are some alternatives to
hugging. “Smiling, making eye
contact and gesturing, in addition
to warm verbal expressions, can
have similar benefits,” says Dr Chin.
“Try cuddling a pillow – spraying a
calming scent onto the fabric may
also help you to feel soothed.”

Pets can make a difference
Own a Labrador, Vizsla or
Poodle? They were found to

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

THE

PSYCHOLOGY
OF

How can psychological insights
help us to better recognise racism

and what we can do about it?

WORDS JOSEPHINE HALL

DR KEON WEST racism can be more subtle and difficult
to detect. Concealed in the fabric of
Dr West is a Reader in Social society, covert racism discriminates
Psychology at Goldsmiths, University against individuals through evasive or
of London. He is also the director of seemingly passive methods. This includes,
Equalab, the president-elect of the but is not limited to: microaggressions,
Society for the Psychological Study of
Social Issues, and an editorial board
member for the journal Personality

and Social Psychology Bulletin.

P sychology can help us to
understand many different
human behaviours, thoughts
and emotions. So, why
not racism? How could
psychology help us to reduce, and eventually
eradicate, racism for future generations?

As Dr Keon West, a social psychologist who
specialises in prejudice, points out – even
pinning down the definition of racism is quite
tricky. Race is a social construct, but racism
is very real and has many far-reaching and
devastating effects on millions of people’s
lives worldwide. It includes prejudice and
discrimination directed at a person,
simply because of their race.

Most of us know overt
racism when we see
it, but sometimes

14 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

Sometimes stereotyping, racial profiling and colour- It is now widely accepted in psychology
racism can blindness. The scars of covert racism can that we all have unconscious or
be more be seen in terms of poor health, inadequate implicit biases. This is why those who
subtle and information, and lost opportunities. might otherwise consider themselves
difficult ‘good people’ can still do and say
to detect Racism can also be unconscious. In racist things, as Dr West explains:
1998, a team of social psychologists at
the Universities of Washington and Yale “We have a skewed idea of what
published a milestone paper that introduced racism is. We imagine that only really
a tool to measure “the unconscious roots of bad, mean, nasty, cartoon-like villains
prejudice” that they said affected 90-95% of are racist. Which is not true.”
people. Since then, the Implicit Association
Test has been used in countless other studies The science shows that the impact
and social experiments, and has become of racism is still very real, whether it’s
central to our understanding of racism. intentional or not. So, why are so many
of us accidentally being racist?

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 15

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM We divide
the world into
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL ‘us’ and ‘them’
EFFECTS OF RACISM based through a
process of social
In 2005, Dr Joy DeGruy coined the term ‘Post Traumatic Slave categorisation
Syndrome’: “a condition that exists when a population has experienced
It could have something
multigenerational trauma... and continues to experience oppression to do with heuristics
and institutionalised racism today.” Research published in 2019 The work of Herbert Simon, a Nobel-
also proposed that people who experience racism suffer ‘skin- prize winning psychologist, in the 1950s
tone trauma’, which can affect their mental and physical health demonstrated that humans were limited in
(leading to problems such as low self-esteem and hypertension). their ability to make rational decisions. In
1973, psychologists Amos Tversky and Daniel
A common misconception is that people who experience racism become Kahneman took this a stage further with
paranoid or over-sensitive. On BBC Radio 4 in 2019, Dr Katy Greenland their research on cognitive bias, introducing
spoke about the findings from her research, which suggest the opposite: the specific ways of thinking people rely on
to simplify the decision-making process.
“People from minority groups actually work really, really hard to
understand their experiences as okay, as not racist. To me, this is They called these mental shortcuts
an act of resilience... It’s very difficult and very painful to say ‘that’s that help guide our decision making
because of the colour of my skin’. You can feel like you’re being rude, ‘heuristics’, naming three in particular:
ungrateful, or politically extremist. And generally people don’t like it.” ‘availability’, ‘representative’ and ‘affect’.

16 In brief terms, the ‘affect’ heuristic involves
making choices that are influenced by the
individual’s emotions at that moment. The
‘representative’ heuristic is when we estimate

the likelihood of an event by
comparing it to an existing
prototype in our minds.
The ‘availability’ heuristic
operates under the principle
that ‘if you can think of it, it
must be important’. It involves

making decisions based on how easily we
can bring something to mind, and often leads
to us assuming that those events are more
frequent or probable than others. This means
we tend to overestimate the probability and
likelihood of similar things happening in the
future. For example, researchers have found
that people who are more easily able to
remember seeing antidepressant advertising
were also more likely to give high estimates
about the prevalence of depression.

There are several theories as to why we
rely so heavily on these mental shortcuts
but, to put it simply, we have to make
hundreds, maybe even thousands, of
decisions each day, and heuristics enable
us to think through the possible outcomes
quickly and arrive at a potential solution.

And what does that have to
do with racism?
These mental shortcuts definitely help
speed up our problem-solving and
decision-making processes, but they
can also lead to inaccurate judgements

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

about how often things occur and about West explains why this theory, and the Systemic and institutional racism
how representative things may be. wealth of related research, is so important: Racism is not only ingrained in our individual
psychological processes, but it is also found
Heuristics can also contribute to “It helps us explain why, for example, Black at historical and cultural levels within the
stereotypes and prejudice. As we use people sometimes collaborate in racism. It structures of our societies. Focusing purely
shortcuts to classify and categorise people, would be all too neat if it was simply that on individual prejudice can conceal the
we can often overlook more relevant white and Black people don’t like
information and create categorisations each other. But often Black people role that institutional processes play in
that are not in tune with reality. work actively to keep other Black maintaining race-based hierarchies.
people down, or they An example of systemic racism is
An understanding of heuristics and accept the stereotypes the practice of ‘redlining’ in the
the potential biases they introduce can about the group.” United States. Redlining
be useful in anti-racism work. There
have been countless other psychological GLOSSARY OF TERMS
studies, experiments and theories that
can help us explain or better understand PREJUDICE
prejudice and racism. For Dr West, there
are two that are particularly useful: Prejudice refers to biased thinking, and preconceived opinions that
are not based on reason or actual experience. It includes dislike,
Social Identity Theory
Social Identity Theory (SIT) is one of the hostility or unjust behaviour deriving from these unfounded opinions.
most popular theories for understanding
prejudice. It looks at behaviours, which DISCRIMINATION
is not by any means all that racism
is about, as Dr West explains: Discrimination consists of actions against a group of people.
Discrimination can be based on age, religion, health and other indicators.
“There are other questions about
motivation, thought behind it, and COLOUR-BLINDNESS
how people feel about it. But SIT works
really well for a number of reasons.” Colour-blindness is when people say they ‘don’t see colour’, so therefore
they can’t be racist. This attitude denies the lived experiences of
SIT says that the groups that people
belong to, as defined by wider society, people who experience racism, and helps to uphold white supremacy.
are an important source of our pride
and self-esteem. Because of this, we tend MICROAGGRESSION
to divide the world into ‘us’ and ‘them’
through a process of social categorisation. Microaggressions are defined as the everyday, subtle – intentional
In doing so, we are prone to exaggerating and often unintentional – interactions or behaviours that communicate
both the differences between groups and some sort of bias toward historically marginalised groups. For example,
the similarities within the same group.
commenting on how well an Asian American speaks English.
Tajfel and Turner (1979) proposed
that we go through three mental RACIAL PROFILING
processes when evaluating others as ‘us’
or ‘them’ (ie, ‘in-group’ and ‘out-group’). Racial or ethnic profiling is the act of suspecting or targeting a
These are, in order: categorisation, person on the basis of assumed characteristics or behaviour of
identification and comparison.
a racial or ethnic group, rather than on individual suspicion.
The final stage is critical to understanding
prejudice. Once we have categorised and 17
identified ourselves as part of a group,
we then tend to compare ‘our’ group with
other groups, in order to maintain our
self-esteem. This competition can lead to
hostility, prejudice and even discrimination.

System Justification Theory
“System Justification Theory (SJT) says
that people feel really uncomfortable
with the idea that the world they live
in is unpredictable, unstable or unfair.
So they tend to privilege whatever
system they live in,” Dr West explains.

SJT refers to our inclination to defend
and bolster the status quo and to see it
as good, fair, legitimate and desirable. A
consequence of this propensity is that
existing societal structures tend to be
preferred, simply because they exist –
sometimes at the expense of both the
collective and individual self-interest. Dr

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

was a discriminatory practice that saw shame and empathy. In her 2020 episode
the Federal Housing Administration of the ‘Unlocking Us’ podcast, Brené on
put several services out of reach for Shame and Accountability, she examines
certain people. This included outlining the role that shame plays in anti-racism
so-called ‘risky’ neighbourhoods – work and the resistance to it.
where predominantly Black and Latino
people lived – on maps, to discourage Dr Brown talks about how shame is a
mortgage lenders from investing there. “fear of disconnection” and something
we all experience, often daily. It’s also
The Fair Housing Act of 1968 explicitly completely logical to avoid feeling
prohibited this type of racial discrimination, shame. Not only is it traumatic to
but it was difficult to entirely stamp experience, research also shows
out. In 2018, an investigation by the high levels of shame are associated
Center for Responsible Lending found with poor mental health.
that Black, Latino and Asian applicants
were turned away for loans at a higher From a social psychology
rate than whites in many US cities. perspective, Dr Keon West
explains why shame can be
In 2020, a travelling exhibit called a useful emotion in every
Undesign the Redline showed how the society: “If there’s something
policy paved the way for urban decay and we disapprove of, we attach
white flight in the 1960s and ’70s, mass
incarceration in the ’80s and ’90s, the 4 TIPS FROM
foreclosure crisis of the 2000s, and the DR BRENÉ BROWN
gentrification of today — and how it has
prevented African American communities When we’re held accountable for racism, we can go into fight-or-flight mode.
from building generational wealth. Here are tips to overcome that, from Brené on Shame and Accountability*:

We can see institutional racism at work GET YOUR THINKING BRAIN BACK
in many different structures, all over the
world. It is clear in healthcare, particularly Helpful mantra: “I am here to get it right, I am not here to be right.”
in maternal mortality figures. Recent reports Brené’s motto: “Don’t talk, text or type” until you’re thinking clearly.
in Australia show incidences of maternal
death in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander CREATE A ‘BLIND SPOT’ WARNING SYSTEM
women are more than three times as high as
that for non-Indigenous women. The figures If you’re held accountable for racism, recognise potential ‘blind spots’
are similar in the US, and a 2019 MBRRACE- in your attitudes and responses. “One of the [blind spot indicators]
UK report shows that Black women in that I look for in my life, is when I start thinking, ‘This has gone too
the UK are five times more likely to die in far now’. Indicator light: What’s gone too far? Think through it.”
pregnancy or childbirth than white women.
AVOID ‘ARMOURING-UP’
Since the murder of George Floyd in 2020,
and the rise in global anti-racist movements Getting defensive can be an automatic response, but it isn’t constructive.
such as Black Lives Matter, the general public “The greatest barrier to courage is armour, is how we self-protect
has been reminded of the systemic racism when we’re afraid. It is the same armouring-up process that we use
within our criminal justice systems. In 2016, when we’re held accountable for racism and we feel shame.”
community activist Raull Santiago explained
how in Brazil, a person is killed several times: TAKE ACTION

“First, they are killed by the actual bullet. “‘What am I going to do differently? How am I going to think
Then, they are killed by the media narrative, about the language that I’m using?’ Action is probably the best
which parrots the police version of events
by describing that person as a criminal and cure for the shame we experience around accountability.”
assassinating their reputation. And finally,
they are killed by the legal systems that *Quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity. Find the podcast and full transcript at brenebrown.com
fail to hold perpetrators accountable.”

How do we feel when we’re told
we’ve done something racist?
Even if we know about unconscious bias,
we know about systemic racism, we even
understand some of the psychological
theories behind our innate prejudices – if
we’re actually told we’re being racist, we can
still be reactive or defensive. This can make
the experience even more traumatic for the
person affected by the racism in the first
place. This could be partly because of shame.

Dr Brené Brown is a research professor,
known for studying courage, vulnerability,

18 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

shame to it, and people stop doing it. It’s important to acknowledge
That’s the function of it,” he explains. the racist systems in place and
actively work against them
“It can be misused, but it can also be used
well. We shame people who are predatory “I think unconscious bias training followed by ‘we’re going to stop now’.
towards other people, we shame people is incredibly important,” says Dr West, For example, in the UK, they enslaved
who steal, we shame people who vandalise “but we shouldn’t pretend that it’s more people for 400 years, and when they
property… and this is important because important than changing the structures stopped they didn’t say ‘here’s 400 years
otherwise people keep doing those things. of society.” He goes on to elaborate: of back pay’, they actually said to the
owners ‘here’s a bunch of money, we’re
“I think it’s an important emotion that “The science doesn’t show that it’s sorry for taking your property away’.
has to be part of anti-racism work. And all unconscious – there’s quite a lot
not everyone will always be on side, just of conscious bias. Quite a lot of bias is “We have to start taking a good hard
like not everyone will always agree that presented in a way that is subtle, or that is look at what’s happened and say ‘we
they shouldn’t steal from you. Personal excused, or below a certain threshold so had an active policy to do this specific
feelings are one thing, but societal feelings that whoever’s doing it won’t get in trouble, thing at this time, we need an active
are another and they are important.” but that’s not the same as unconscious.” policy to undo all the stuff that we did
before’. We did this stuff and we did it
So, what can we do to try to In terms of systemic racism, Dr actively and clearly, so we need to have
change our mindsets? West talks about how we need to a space where we’re undoing that stuff
Having an increased awareness of some of be willing to take a broader, braver just as actively and just as clearly.”
the psychological considerations of racism approach to solving the problem:
and anti-racism work can be a constructive *Interview quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity*
first step towards changing things. It’s “Throughout history, humans have
important to be able to acknowledge done a lot of aggressive discrimination,
the racist systems in place and actively
work against them, as Dr West explains: © Getty Images/Ponomariova_Maria

“You don’t have to be completely free of
racism to start on anti-racism work, because
if you had to do that, very few people would
ever be able to do it. But you just have to be
able to recognise the system for what it is
and then say, I can do this thing to this part of
it to help reduce the effects of that system.
And if you can do that, then you’re being
anti-racist, and if you don’t do that then
you’re being collaborative with the system.”

This includes recognising the systems
at work within ourselves and the part
we, sometimes unconsciously, play in
upholding societal racial inequalities.

Dr West also speaks about how it is far
more useful to focus on what’s happened,
than on the identity or soul of the person.

“It’s not necessarily helpful to draw sharp
dividing lines. Almost everyone has done
racist things at some point, and so drawing
sharp dividing lines between the racists
and the non-racist people is less helpful
than one might imagine. If you get caught
up in arguing about the soul of the person,
you can waste a lot of time. But you can
show that the specific thing someone
did was racist, whether their soul is racist
or not. And that’s really important.”

What needs to be done on a
societal level?
Unconscious bias training has become
a popular tool in anti-racism work. It hit
the headlines in 2018 when Starbucks
closed 8,000 branches across the
US to implement the training,
after an employee in one of its
Philadelphia stores called the
police on two Black men who
had simply sat down.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 19

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

INTERVIEW

Kelle Bryan

Singer, actor, Loose Women panellist, and CEO
Kelle Bryan talks to Psychology Now editor

Sarah Bankes about her experiences of racism

What was life like growing up for you? like animals and fodder. If you’re brought up
I grew up in East London, and my parents to recognise that people with black-coloured
wanted me to have a good level of education, skin are there to serve you, you’re raised
so they sent me to what they perceived to be believing that although these people may
a better area to go to school. I went to junior look human, they’re used for this purpose. If
school in an area called Wanstead, which is that’s what you’ve grown up understanding
quite cosmopolitan now, but it wasn’t at the and knowing, then that belief continues.
time – it was purely ‘white’. There was only These views would get watered down over
me and one other Black person at my school, time, which was brilliant, but by the time
and he was super-intelligent; a model student I got to school age, I was still seen as not
who got A-stars for everything. I would tend quite equal to everybody else, so you don’t
to get Ds, Es and Fs – if I got a C, I was like demand the amount of attention or equality
‘Yaaaaay’! We were complete polar opposites that everybody else has. There was a societal
but we’d both get picked on all the time. The norm that ‘white is right’, and Black is not.
worst incident I remember was when I must
have been about seven years old. I had a Growing up, Kelle had
brown satchel that I used to take to school, concerns that her own
and I couldn’t find it when I was going home. children would face
It turned out, someone had flushed it down similar challenges
the toilet.
everybody. You knew that. It wasn’t © Roger Hendricks: Instagram @roger_ray65
How did it make you feel, knowing you something that you had to learn. It’s like if
were treated differently because of the you were in the same room as the Queen,
colour of your skin? you would know that you needed to curtsey
I just thought it was normal. It was a daily – it’s just something you know! And it was like
understanding that you were beneath that – I had that sense from a very young age.
Everywhere you went, you knew you were
It was a daily on the bottom rung.
understanding
that you So for me, school was about keeping my
were beneath head down and getting on with it. I struggled
everybody at school, but it wasn’t easy to get the
assistance and help I needed. The teachers
didn’t really care. I got the sense they thought,
‘Oh, she’s just that little Black kid, it’s not
surprising she doesn’t know’.

Where do you believe this attitude
stemmed from?
Slavery. Historically, Black people were seen
as less than human. They were seen more

20 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

because I’d been so starkly awakened to – and truth across the board, and reading and
I hate to use this term – white privilege. I was researching for myself as a young adult.
sitting next to my friend thinking, ‘But are you I shaved the back of my head, I engraved
really my friend? Do you actually like me? a K on it, and I became quite rebellious.
How do you view me?’ Thankfully, I didn’t go too far – I didn’t
become a vigilante or anything, but I
And then I just went the other way and became empowered as an individual.
became really militant in my search for

Historically, Black people
were seen as less than human

Kelle achieved great
success in Eternal,
before going on to

pursue a solo career

Roots is a 1977
American mini-series
that follows the lives
of a slave family over
several generations

I’m very fortunate that my mum has never
allowed me to believe that, so when I came
home from school I was always told, ‘No,
you can do anything and you can achieve
anything’. So I was always counteracted by
my mum’s stoicism.

When I was little, I hoped my children
would have lighter skin and ‘good’ hair,
because it’s just ingrained in you. I used to
wear a pair of stockings on my head because
I thought that having long hair made me
more attractive and more beautiful, and more
socially acceptable. Rather than being proud
of who I was and happy to stand out because
I was different, I was obsessed with fitting in,
so I would do everything I could to make sure
I didn’t stick out.

How did you eventually change your

mindset and become proud of

who you are?

I was about 13 years old, and it was

around the time Salt-N-Pepa

released Push It! In the late ETERNAL
1980s, there was a big
movement, with the likes Kelle is perhaps best known
of Soul II Soul and Caron as being a member of girl band
Wheeler. Not long after Eternal, who rose to fame in the 1990s.
that, in 1990, Nelson With four top ten albums, numerous Brit
Mandela was freed, which Award nominations, MOBOs and Smash
Hits Awards, the group embarked on four

led me to research what world tours and even performed for Pope

had happened to him, so Jean Paul II. Despite such achievements,

I did lots of reading and Kelle and her bandmates frequently
started to educate myself. experienced racism, including being
My mum sat me down and
we watched Roots together as a told that ‘Black people don’t
sell magazines’.

family. I was horrified, because until

someone tells you, you don’t know what

slavery is. I felt totally sickened. I remember

going to school the next day and not actually © Alamy

wanting to sit next to my white friends,

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 21

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

LIVING WITH LUPUS

In 1999, as her solo career was about to kick off, Kelle was diagnosed
with lupus, an incurable immune system illness. In the early stages
of the illness, Kelle experienced fatigue, mobility issues, arthritis
symptoms, mouth ulcers, skin rashes, kidney and liver damage, and
hair loss. After ten years off medication and shortly after having her
second child in 2013, Kelle had a stroke as a result of lupus being on
her brain, which led to her losing three days of her life and having
to re-learn how to speak, read and write, as well as deal with short-

term memory loss. Kelle now has six-monthly chemotherapy infusions
to prevent seizures, and is a patron of the St Thomas Lupus Trust.

Psychology Now is donating £500 to the Trust. To find out more, visit
www.lupus.org.uk or to donate check out https://bit.ly/2MO7VT4.

I empowered myself with the knowledge and your magazine is about golf, you’re not 90% of people living with © Roger Hendricks: Instagram @roger_ray65
self-actualisation of who I am, my history, going to expect to see football in it, but if lupus are women, and it is
where I’ve come from, and who’s done what you’re saying your magazine is for
to enable me to be in the position I’m in. And everybody, it should represent everybody, two to three times more
then I understood how very fortunate I was in the same way TV shows should prevalent among women of
to be where I was. represent everybody.
colour than white women
At the age of 15, I joined Eternal, so that In the ‘90s during the Eternal days, to
then catapulted me in a whole new direction. be told ‘Black people don’t sell magazines’ PSYCHOLOGY NOW
In 1994, we were invited to perform in the was very normal. We would just go, ‘Okay’.
first ever concert that was allowed in South That’s why it’s so important to have these
Africa after the abolishment of apartheid. conversations with editors, and it’s great that
There was a sea of thousands of people in the new editor of Vogue is Black, because
the stadium with banners that said ‘Free at things will only change once you start to
last’. Usually you see posters directed at us as influence the top down.
band members, but to see all the ‘Free at last’
posters was really quite something. I’ve been really well supported on Loose
Women. We’ve been putting together some
You’re now a mother yourself – great narratives and stories, and we’ve been
how important do you feel it is for having lots of conversations with editors of
Black children and young Black magazines to demystify this taboo that Black
people to have role models and to people don’t sell magazines.
feel represented?
That’s why I’m speaking to you today! It’s Aged just 15 when she
important to target people in positions of joined Eternal, Kelle
power in the media who have the ability to “felt privileged to
change this narrative, as well as those who provide a face for other
still feel it’s acceptable to not include all women of colour”
people when they’re talking to all people. If
© Alamy
To be told
‘Black people
don’t sell
magazines’ was
very normal

22

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

Kelle is married and
has two children,
Regan and Kayori

Pictured here with her
daughter, Kelle is passionate

about ensuring that her
children are represented

Scripts and storylines HOLLYOAKS
are becoming more
diverse and inclusive in
soap opera Hollyoaks

I had a conversation with my nine-year-old Joining the cast of the UK Channel 4 soap opera Hollyoaks in
son’s football coach recently after an incident September 2018, Kelle plays Martine Deveraux. Working alongside
happened that involved race. His football long-term friend Richard Blackwood (pictured left), she has been given
coach immediately came to me and said ‘Can some fantastic and diverse storylines, but Kelle has openly talked about
we have a chat?’ and I said ‘Of course!’ so we the fact she has had difficult conversations with Hollyoaks bosses about
had a conversation about the incident that race. Speaking on Loose Women she made it clear that, “Way before
had happened and I was instantly able to the Black Lives Matter movement took place, I was able to articulate
put his mind at rest by saying ‘This language my concerns and my grievances within Hollyoaks, and I had taken them
is acceptable, this language isn’t’. And even through the HR procedures, and said what my feelings were, and I have
having that simple conversation made him been really active in making sure that those changes are implemented,
feel more comfortable. He told me how he not just heard but implemented.” After being asked by Hollyoaks
had dealt with the situation and that he had bosses how she could be supported, Kelle recommended and instigated
stamped it out immediately. I thanked him a forum in which difficult conversations could take place. “There are
for doing that and for telling me how he changes that are happening in terms of influence over scripts and
managed it, and also that I felt safer knowing direction of storylines,” Kelle said on a June 2020 episode of Loose
my son’s in his club because he handled it Women. “I’m really grateful that our voices are finally being heard.”
responsibly. It’s important to continue to have
these conversations. took the knee and there was booing. Myself because fans simply wanted to get on with
and my dad, and my grandad before he the match. The suggestion on talkSPORT was
How effective do you think movements passed, have always been into politics, so we that it would be easy to find out who those
such as Black Lives Matter (BLM) are listen to a lot of talkSPORT and talkRADIO, fans were because they had to be season
in helping to instigate these often and the opinion was how can we prove that ticket holders due to the COVID restrictions
difficult conversations? the booing was racist rather than booing in place at the time, so why not hold a focus
What’s important about Black Lives Matter is
that we don’t lose the momentum. I received
some backlash recently because I was
discussing on Loose Women the incident
that happened at Millwall when the players

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 23

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM

group, ask questions, have conversations

about it? A woman who was interviewed

about this was one of the women who was

at the stadium, and she said that she had

booed, but only because she got swept along

with what everyone else was doing, like you

would at a match. Football etiquette

is totally different to when you’re LOOSE
out on the street. It’s almost WOMEN
like you walk into a football

ground, and all the rules Kelle became a regular on British
change, when actually talk show Loose Women (ITV) in May
they don’t! It’s still illegal 2019, where she talks about topical issues
to be racist! For this as well as her own life. On 22 October
lady, it was no different 2020, the show featured an all-Black panel
to cheering when your for the first time in its 21-year history,
team scores a goal or featuring journalist and newsreader
booing when they miss
a goal. The woman said Charlene White, singer and actor
Brenda Edwards, comedian and
radio presenter Judi Love, and

in hindsight she could see of course Kelle.

how it would come across,

and that she wasn’t even thinking.

She admitted that maybe she should Some of the Loose Women panellists at the
have been thinking, but she was at a football National Television Awards, London, in January 2020

match and got swept along with it all. I totally

get that – I understand the explanation, it

makes perfect sense. But equally if you were

going to meet the Queen, the etiquette is that

you’re quiet, you wait, you curtsey. Or when

they hold a minute’s silence for Hillsborough

victims, you don’t hear people shouting and

jeering – it’s something that’s respected. So it’s

about transferring that respect to an anti-

racist statement.

BLACK
LIVES
MATTER

Black Lives Matter (BLM) was What are your thoughts on the idea I’m not having it’. It’s made people check
founded in 2013 in response to that even ‘good’ people can be racist, themselves too.
the acquittal of Trayvon Martin’s often people who would never describe
murderer. Black Lives Matter themselves as or perhaps even believe How do you respond to people who
Global Network Foundation, Inc. themselves to be racist? dismiss conversations about racism?
is a global organisation in the US, I would say, the majority of people aren’t The difficulty with talking about racism is
UK and Canada, whose mission outwardly racist, but being anti-racist is people start saying ‘I don’t want to hear
is to eradicate white supremacy very different. Someone I know witnessed a about it anymore’, or ‘Can they stop
and build local power to intervene conversation in a WhatsApp chat and instead banging on about it’. What I would say to
in violence inflicted on Black of not saying anything, she called them out them is that I don’t want to be in a position
communities by the state and and left the group. That is what BLM has where I have to bang on about it! The
vigilantes. For more information, done – it’s inspired people to have the reason we ‘bang on about it’ is because
confidence to draw a line under it, whereas nothing has changed. So I’ll stop banging on
visit blacklivesmatter.com. before you might not have been happy about about it when I see things have changed
it, but you wouldn’t necessarily speak up. and when I don’t need to be banging on about
24 Now, people are going ‘It’s unacceptable and it anymore.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

Having said that, this interview is the THE PSYCHOLOGY OF RACISM
only one I’ve agreed to do. I’ve been asked
by numerous broadsheets and all of the HOW MUCH HAVE
tabloids to give an interview on this topic
and I’ve said no. For me, this is a 25-year-old THINGS REALLY
conversation. Why are we having it now?
We’re having it now because somebody died CHANGED?
in a tragic fashion and somebody happened
to catch it on camera. It happens all the In October 2020, the YMCA’s Young and Black report found that 95%
time, but this time it was filmed – that’s of young Black people in the UK have heard and witnessed the use
the only difference. I said no to absolutely of racist language at school. Perhaps more concerning is that in the
every interview. The reason I said yes to this focus group on education, young Black people said that they expect
interview is because of the title and the fact to hear and experience racism because of the colour of their skin.
that your readership will be more informed The report revealed that 49% of young Black people feel that
and well-read, so when they pick up racism is the biggest barrier to attaining success in school. In the
Psychology Now, it will be from an informed focus group on education, young Black people shared that in British
place rather than a commercial place. society, the definition of a ‘Black boy’ or ‘Black girl’ has already been
decided, and that they felt that society typically views them as ‘the
As vital as it is to have this conversation class clown’ or ‘underachiever’. As a result, they explained, some
today, I look forward to a time when we no teachers automatically view young Black people as ‘less capable’,
longer need to be talking about racism.
‘unintelligent’ and ‘aggressive’. Other young Black people in the focus
To find out more about Kelle and her work, group spoke of instances where they had achieved academic success,
visit www.kellebryan.co.uk. and teachers told them that they were ‘surprised at their success’ or
that they are ‘rare’, implying that they should be proud because their
Kelle recognises
the importance success is not common among young Black people.
of influencing 50% of young Black people say the biggest barrier to attaining
people in success in school is teacher perceptions of them, for example being
positions
of power seen as ‘too aggressive’.
Sadly, the YMCA’s Young and Black report suggests that
things don’t get much better after education. Not only did 78% of Images © Kelle Bryan, Getty Images / Gareth Cattermole, Alamy
young Black people report hearing and witnessing racist language in
the workplace, but 54% feel that bias or prejudice at the recruitment
stage of gaining employment (for example, their name on their CV)
is the main barrier to going into employment. And 70% of young
Black people have felt the need to change their hair to be ‘more
professional’ at work or school. The report stated that policies or
implicit standards at schools and workplaces risk causing cultural
erasure for young Black people if they feel prevented from being their

authentic selves.

To read the full report, visit https://bit.ly/3rdlOdn.

I would say, the majority
of people aren’t outwardly
racist, but being anti-racist
is very different

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 25

THE THRILL OF ANTICIPATION

THE

THRILL
OF

Anticipation is
an automatic emotion
when thinking about future
positive (or negative) events, but
how can we harness its power to
improve our wellbeing?

WORDS JULIE BASSETT

H ave you ever felt that buzz positive. Negative anticipation is experienced anticipate the future too, as we draw on what
of excitement when waiting as anxiety or dread, a feeling of unease, we know and have learned to anticipate
eagerly for something to worry or fear about a future event. Positive the most likely outcomes to events. It’s
happen? That’s anticipation. anticipation is excitement, of ‘looking not hyperbole to say that anticipation is
It can make you feel jittery or forward’ to something. Our body responds to important to human survival – it enables us
nervous, excited or euphoric. You might feel anticipation both mentally and physically – to anticipate danger and threat, and make
it in the build-up to a big event – Christmas, a that feeling of ‘butterflies’ in your stomach or preparations to avoid or deter these threats.
birthday, a special party. You may experience a ‘shiver’ of excitement when thinking about a
it waiting for a concert or film to start, before future event and its potential outcome. You also
you enter a bar for a first date, or as you step need to
on a plane to jet off somewhere exotic. Our Anticipatory thinking is another facet of find ways
lives are full of small moments of anticipation, anticipation. This is the act of anticipating to engineer
and you probably don’t even pay much how a future event might play out, which Anticipation
attention to your emotional response. But in turn helps us to prepare for it. We might
you should; anticipation can be one of the anticipate various outcomes and scenarios,
best feelings you experience. both negative and positive. You can harness
this power to your benefit; by taking time
First, what is anticipation? It’s an emotion to anticipate outcomes, it can help you feel
involved in awaiting an expected future more in control and calm about a future
event, and it can be both negative and event. Our past experiences can help us to

26 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE THRILL OF ANTICIPATION

Anticipation is an important function activated when anticipating positive future ensuring you have future
in our brains too. Research shows that events, in comparison to neutral future events to look forward
anticipation in the brain produces dopamine, events. The enhanced activity in the bilateral to. Grab your diary and
a neurotransmitter that’s key to motivating medial prefrontal cortex is associated with start making some dates.
behaviour and is released in situations where a higher level of wellbeing. Anticipation can It doesn’t always have to
there is a possible ‘reward’. We’re more likely be a very intense emotion, even more so be big holidays and grand
to anticipate positive future events than than retrospect – the act of looking back at parties. Small, regular doses
negative ones. When we have an underlying past events. According to one 2007 report, of anticipation could have an
mental health condition, such as anxiety or participants in the study showed greater uplifting effect on your wellbeing.
depression, this may inhibit our ability to ‘evocativeness’ of anticipation because they This is very much personal to you
anticipate positive future events. reported future events in more detail than and what you look forward to. It
the way they reported past emotional events. could be a coffee date with a friend
Studies show that positive anticipation you haven’t seen for a while, or a spa
can have great benefits on our mental health How can you use this information to help day at your favourite hotel.
and wellbeing. One study showed that you live a happier, more positive life? Well,
the bilateral medial prefrontal cortex was by engaging the thrill of anticipation through Anticipation can also be trickled
into your daily life too. Is there a
REIGNITE YOUR particular book you are enjoying at
ANTICIPATION the moment? Plan a time in your day
to switch off, sit down and spend time
Have you lost that thrill of excitement in your life when waiting for future reading. Then you will look forward to that © Getty Images/ Aleksey Sergienko/ Tetiana Lazunova
events? One problem with anticipation is that sometimes the thought of a slice of ‘you time’ all day, triggering those
future event is better than the event itself. This means that next time we’re feel-good anticipation feelings. What do you
presented with a similar event, we don’t anticipate it with as much joy, or we enjoy doing and look forward to? Make sure
do the same things over and over again to the point where we know what to you plan plenty of these small moments into
your life, whether that’s preparing to cook a
expect and therefore don’t anticipate any different outcomes. favourite meal, settling down to watch the
So how can you bring back that pleasurable feeling of anticipation? You need latest episode of a TV series you love, or
to mix things up! As adults, we’re less inclined to try new things or break out of arranging a date night with your partner.
comfortable routines, but doing something new – or something we haven’t done
You also need to find ways to engineer
in a while – can reignite those feelings of anticipation. anticipation. In the modern world, instant
It doesn’t have to be big gestures; booking a meal at a restaurant you’ve never gratification is much easier to come by.
Everything is at our fingertips. But if you
been to before can be enough to give you something to look forward to. Or want to harness the powerful anticipatory
you might be looking for a bigger hit by planning that dream holiday, trying a response, you need to become accustomed
new hobby or joining a club. Pushing outside of your comfort zone reintroduces to delaying gratification. None of us like
waiting for something good to happen, but
some anticipation and all the benefits it has for your wellbeing. if you can wait a little longer than usual, you
can flood your brain and body with far more
anticipation. The reward is much sweeter if
you have to wait a little longer to get it. At the
same time, learning to wait a little can help us
to refine our skills of patience and focus.

Why not try bringing a little more
anticipation into your life and see if it can
help you to feel more positive, happy and
generally fulfilled?

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 27

THE DARK HEART OF PERFECTION

THE

DARK HEART
OF

Who wouldn’t want to be perfect?
But it turns out that perfectionism is not the
desirable trait it appears to be on the surface

WORDS EDOARDO ALBERT

So, Mr Albert, you’ve told us about been devised to actually prevent someone The inner critic
your strengths but what about from achieving their full potential. Given such origins, it’s perhaps no surprise
your weaknesses?” It’s a common that the whip, driving perfectionist
interview question. To which a What is perfectionism? behaviour, is one of the cruellest forms of
classic humblebrag reply is, “Well, A perfectionist believes that they are striving mental self-torture in the human lexicon.
I must admit that I’m a bit of a perfectionist.” for perfection in what they do. But ultimately, Think of the harshest, most critical, most
After all, what company wouldn’t want to and somewhat surprisingly, it’s not actually judgemental and merciless person you
employ somebody who seeks perfection? about perfection. Perhaps the key thing know, then triple it and imagine that
And there lies the problem: perfectionism to understand about perfectionism is that person as your constant shadow, looking at
sounds like something to welcome. Surely, this behaviour doesn’t stem from what is everything you do and everything you say
it’s a trait shared by all high-achievers. No one being done, but rather the person doing it. and always, always, always finding fault.
gets to the top of their profession by being
sloppy and letting any old work get through. The roots of perfectionism actually lie The paradox at the heart of perfectionism
in a deep desire to feel perfect. Most often, is that the perfectionist knows, deep down
But it turns out that there is a profound a perfectionist personality is formed in in their heart, that perfection is unattainable.
difference between high-achievers and reaction to some form of childhood trauma. The internal critic will always find reason
perfectionists. In a cruel irony, the menu For example, following her parents’ divorce, to fault them – and even if this time the
of perfectionist traits could almost have a young girl might strive to always be good, critic is placated, then there will surely be
to always be perfect, because at some a problem next time. Yet the perfectionist
The level she believes that it must have been still aims to achieve the impossible.
perfectionist’s her fault that her parents separated. So as
internal critic long as she is perfect, nothing so terrible The cycle of perfectionism has taught
will always would happen again. Or perhaps the son them that striving for perfection reduces –
find fault of an erratic, alcoholic mother might start for a time – the self-lacerating emotions that
obsessively planning a variety of possible accompanied their initial striving to be right,
scenarios on his way home from school. By to be good, to be perfect… and this cycle has
doing this, he believes he can be prepared reinforced itself over the years. At the start,
for any eventuality, and will be ready to it’s quite possible that the boy, rehearsing his
deal with whichever version of his mother alcoholic mother’s reactions, did ameliorate
is waiting for him when he gets home. them; or perhaps the ‘perfect’ girl did seem to
make things a bit better after her parents got

28 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE DARK HEART OF PERFECTION

divorced. Some perfectionist behaviours do with the negative effects
work. That’s the problem. There are no ways of perfectionism.
of thinking that are entirely wrong: they all
exist for a purpose. But when that purpose The rise in perfectionism
swells and consumes other areas, that’s when among young people seems
the purpose becomes a problem. to have been exacerbated by
an increasingly competitive
Cause for concern examination system that
Perfectionism, as a crippling psychological reaches further and further
trait, is a growing problem. A 2019 analysis back into early years education.
comparing generations of university With a relentless focus on exam
students between 1989 and 2016 found that pass rates and more and more
perfectionism was an increasing problem parents employing tutors to help
among students in Britain, Canada and the their children, a bright, sensitive child
USA. Some studies have indicated that up to can quickly internalise the idea that
40% of children and teenagers now struggle approval is based upon achievement. And
in the quantifiable world of exam results,

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 29

THE DARK HEART OF PERFECTION

5 SIGNS OF
EXCESSIVE PERFECTIONISM

perfection is a goal that is easy to visualise GUILT
yet incredibly difficult to attain. Couple
this with the rise of social media, and the If you feel constantly guilty, if you feel that nothing you can do is ever
endless stream of perfect bodies and ideal going to be good enough and that you are always letting yourself
lives that are presented to young people on and other people down, then perfectionism is becoming a burden.
Instagram, and it’s perhaps no surprise that
perfectionism, particularly in its socially EVERYTHING HAS TO BE PERFECT
prescribed forms, is increasing in the young.
It’s all very well, if you’re a cabinet maker, making sure that the
The perfect storm wardrobe is perfect. But if you get upset and start throwing
In the past, most psychologists divided
the trait of perfectionism into maladaptive utensils around the kitchen when the pasta gets soggy, then your
and adaptive strands, believing that some perfectionism is spreading into areas where it does not need to be.
forms of perfectionism helped people
achieve their goals. However, studies over I’M NOT QUITE READY TO BEGIN
the last decade have tended to show
that what was previously considered to ‘I’ll start when everything is just right.’ Procrastination is one of the
be adaptive perfectionism might better biggest difficulties perfectionists face and one of the most difficult to
be labelled as conscientiousness and overcome. Perfectionism is often driven by the fear of failure, and not
goal orientation. On the other hand,
perfectionism – or what was previously starting something is one way of ensuring that you never fail at it.
known as the maladaptive kind – seems to
be linked to a wide range of psychological TELL ME I’M GOOD – PLEASE
problems. These include eating disorders
(such as anorexia and bulimia), anxiety Who judges perfection? If it’s other people, then the perfectionist
and depression, obsessive compulsive will always be seeking approval from the people around them. What
disorder, obsessive compulsive personality other people say then becomes more important than what you do.
disorder, self-harming, body dysmorphia,
workaholism, substance abuse, and even THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
suicide. Outside the psychoses, it’s hard to
think of a condition that’s a risk factor for a Highly self-critical perfectionists can turn that criticism outwards as
greater variety of psychological disorders. well, focusing on the smallest imperfections in the work of colleagues
at the expense of larger concerns. This is not helpful in the workplace.
It appears that the thinking and emotional
styles associated with perfectionism are believing that the people around you, magazines and on TV. Socially prescribed
particularly dangerous to mental health. and society in general, will only value perfectionism is associated with particularly
These cognitive styles include: all-or-nothing you if you are perfect. This can be a real high levels of stress and anxiety since,
thinking, where only perfection is seen as and valid concern for people working in compared to the ideals presented to
an acceptable result; fear of failure, where professions such as law and medicine, us, we can never be good enough.
a perfectionist is driven by fear rather than where precision and accuracy are a
pulled by the prospect of success in their necessary part of their jobs. Perfectionist Perfectionism orientated towards
endeavours; procrastination, which is often professionals tend to suffer greater levels other people (even if it includes a large
the result of being unable to begin a task of stress and depression, and have an element of personal perfectionism) is
until everything is just right; defensiveness increased risk of self-harm and suicide also problematic, particularly in close
in the face of constructive criticism; and, than their non-perfectionist colleagues. relationships. Demanding perfection of
not surprisingly, low self-esteem. That a partner or spouse – particularly when
internal critic is never going to tell the But socially prescribed perfectionism perfection is defined by the person doing
perfectionist that, yes, you did all right. also describes the pressures put on the demanding – is always going to cause
people, particularly young people, to problems in a relationship. Within a work
The three types of perfectionism measure up to the unattainable ideas of context, it might drive short-term success
Psychologists have discovered three physical and lifestyle perfection held up but it almost inevitably leads to high stress
different strands of perfectionism, centred to them every day across social media, in and the break-up of successful teams.
upon society, others and oneself. Socially
prescribed perfectionism comes from

30 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE DARK HEART OF PERFECTION

Perfectionists are MONET
essentially in an abusive MAKER
relationship with themselves
In May 1908, Claude Monet,
Perfectionism that is self-directed and accompanying these actions, identify how having finally achieved renown
self-orientated hinges on meeting high, often strong they are, and attempt to work out what and some degree of financial
extremely high, personal standards. This triggered them. Perfectionist behaviours are
is the strand of perfectionism that can be often triggered by stressful emotional cues security, was about to stage
associated with high achievement. The key because, in the past, the person has learned a new exhibition in Paris. The
to whether this is harmful or helpful to the that the behaviours helped to reduce or critics had already been to see
individual is how they cope when things ameliorate the distressing emotions, and the show and had showered the
don’t go to plan: renewed determination to they have become stuck in this response. paintings with praise, signalling
succeed next time is good; scornful self- Having identified triggers for perfectionist
criticism and conviction of failure is bad. The behaviours, the next step is to try to find the complete acceptance
key may be the coping style of the individual: alternative ways of coping with these of the new style of painting,
a study has shown that perfectionism triggers. Ideally, this means trying to find a ‘Impressionism’, that Monet
coupled with an avoidance coping style suite of different coping strategies so that had pioneered, a style very
produces hopelessness and distress. if one doesn’t work, you can try another. different to the Neoclassical and
Romantic styles that preceded
It’s all right to make mistakes Perfectionists are harder on themselves him. It was to be the crown of
The difficulty psychologists face when than anyone else could ever be. Some Monet’s career. But when Monet
treating perfectionism is that, as a trait, it is therapists ask perfectionist patients what went round the exhibition before
both socially sanctioned and personally they would say if they could speak to their its opening, all he saw were the
valued by the patient. This is very different five-year-old selves. Most say they would hug imperfections in the paintings –
from something like depression or anxiety. that child and tell them, “You are all right the and he took a knife to them. “I
No one wants to hang on to these. But it is way you are.” The fact that it is so difficult am enslaved to my work, always
quite common for someone to go to see for them to say the same to their current wanting the impossible,” he said.
a psychologist or therapist, suffering from selves is the tragedy of perfectionism. So Having failed to achieve it, in a
the anxiety and depression that follow on perhaps a better answer to the interview rage of perfectionism, Monet
from perfectionism, and want treatment question posed at the start of this article
for the symptoms but refuse therapy would be, “I used to be a perfectionist but destroyed his paintings.
for the cause – their perfectionism. now I’m well on the road to recovery.”
31
The difference lies in how we see these: © Getty Images / Treety
anxiety and depression are what we suffer,
perfectionism is what we are. It’s an ingrained
idea about one’s self. For the perfectionist,
their self is never good enough. Changing this
mindset is the key to treating the condition
when it becomes a disorder, but it is difficult
to achieve. Perfectionists are essentially in
an abusive relationship with themselves.
It’s hard enough to withdraw from abusive
relationships with others; how much harder
is it when you yourself are the abuser?

The first step in helping someone suffering
from the worst traits of perfectionism is to
show them that the traits they value are not
actually helpful. For instance, a perfectionist
might think that to do their job properly they
have to work a 60-hour week. Getting the
client to try doing less, and comparing the
results (normally the same and sometimes
better because of more rest) is a first step
towards unpicking the locks that bind
perfectionists into their idea of themselves.

To accompany this, therapists will often
ask their patients to try to check the cues
and triggers for their perfectionist behaviour.
For instance, if you find yourself going
back over the same piece of work for a
fourth or fifth time, look at the emotions

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE GREAT ESCAPE

THE

ESCAPE

Escapism is often denounced as a waste
of time, but are there hidden benefits
that are being overlooked?

WORDS EMMA GREEN

E verywhere we turn, we are games, shopping, reading and listening to That is not to say that escapism cannot be
bombarded by negativity. music. Even activities that are a vital part used as a form of catharsis. Watching sports
Whether it be from a 24-hour of our daily existence, such as eating food, or listening to music can provide us with
news cycle, divisive politics, having sex and exercising, can become a platform to vent our emotions in a safe
economic worries or the outlets for escapism. space without risking harm to ourselves or
pressure to balance an increasing workload others. Video games, in particular, enable us
with a personal life, it comes as little surprise So why is it important? Because escapism to discharge tensions without any real-life
that depression and anxiety cases are is a deep-seated human need. Imagination consequences, and to flush out negative
growing at an alarming rate. No wonder then is what sets humans apart from animals. emotions through fantasies of invincibility
that people are more desperate than ever to Without it, humans would not be able to and theatrical outrage.
escape in order to maintain their own sanity. delve into their deeper consciousness,
dream, re-live memories, create art or imagine It is important to know when to engage
This is not a new phenomenon either. new possibilities of being. with an emotion and when to ignore it.
Humans have immersed themselves in some Emotions are often fleeting, and it can be
form of escapist activity for thousands of Escapism is also a powerful coping more helpful to distract ourselves from a
years, whether it be through storytelling, song mechanism for dealing with negative negative emotion rather than to focus on it.
or live theatre. The only difference now is that emotions such as anxiety and sadness. It is a Emotions are notoriously cyclical in their
technology provides us with a vast selection healthy outlet that temporarily removes us nature, and sometimes ruminating on them
of choices to enjoy. Entire industries, such as from an existence that can sometimes be too can strengthen the emotion and end up
Hollywood, are dedicated to catering to the painful to bear. Without it, humanity would making us feel worse.
public’s insatiable need for escapism. plunge into a persistent state of hopelessness
and cynicism. By allowing ourselves to detach for a while
Escapism can be defined as anything that and shut off our emotions, we can give our
detaches somebody from their immediate There is much comfort to be found in being minds a chance to reset and process matters
reality, usually through an activity that able to escape into a world that provides a more effectively. When we are overwhelmed,
involves imagination or entertainment. The guarantee that things will turn out okay in we can become blindsided by our problems
most obvious forms of this include watching the end and that the good guys will always and lose sight of the bigger picture. Indulging
TV, scrolling through social media, playing prevail. Reality, however, is unpredictable and in some light-hearted escapism can remind
offers no such promise. us of the positive things in life. We are then
better equipped to face reality from a fresher
Escapism is a powerful and more balanced perspective.
coping mechanism for dealing
with negative emotions such Escapism provides us with a boost of
as anxiety and sadness feel-good hormones such as serotonin and
dopamine, an essential replenishment of
the same neurochemicals that we lose
when we are feeling stressed. This can help
to dramatically improve mood and keep
anxiety and depression at bay.

32 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE DOSE MAKES
THE POISON

Escapism can also give us back a much- Escapism is a powerful coping method, but it can easily become
needed sense of control. By projecting a defence mechanism for protecting ourselves against feeling
ourselves through the personas we see on any discomfort at all. Too much escapism can lead to behavioural
the big screen or in books, we can become
the masters of our own domain and enjoy addictions, such as gambling or binge-eating.
the sense of power, security and freedom It is important to differentiate between healthy escapism and
that comes with it. Imagining ourselves as avoidance. Positive escapism is a form of self-care, temporarily
somebody who possesses something that disengaging us from problems to re-energise, whereas avoidance can
we may lack, whether it be beauty, money or
success, can be a powerful antidote against become a habitual way of ignoring our problems.
the disappointment of our own existence. Avoidance is being so consumed by our chosen form of escapism that

Furthermore, escapism can be a form of it becomes our primary purpose in life, rather than as a means of
low-effort relaxation. Instead of viewing it as ‘refuelling’. It can lead to problems at work, alienate us from our loved
laziness or as a waste of time, we should look
at it as ‘refuelling’. According to Dr Michael ones and cause us to stagnate in our personal growth.
Hurd, a psychotherapist, and writer for the We must recognise what it is we are trying to avoid through chronic
website ‘The Daily Dose of Reason’, refuelling escapism. It could be feelings of loneliness or boredom, or using it to
“refers to things of secondary importance that
we do in order to mentally or psychologically compensate for a lack of interpersonal interaction.
recharge our spirits so that we can better According to Norwegian psychologist Frode Stenseng, two forms of
handle the primary commitments of career, escapism exist, depending on the motivation that lies behind each
relationships or family.” activity. Self-suppression (numbing activities such as abusing alcohol
and drugs) comes from a desire to avoid unpleasant feelings, whereas
Comparing our brains to computers engaging in self-expansion (activities such as meditation and creating
can help to override the guilt associated
with taking time out for ourselves. Just art) are motivated by wanting to gain positive experiences and
as a computer can overheat, too much discover new aspects of the self.

It is vital that we strike the balance between using ‘avoidant’ coping
strategies such as temporary distraction, and ‘approach-oriented’

techniques such as tackling challenges head on. Escapism is
an important weapon in our wellbeing arsenal, but it is not

the only one that we have to hand.

seriousness and negativity can fry our important for our mental health, so is the © Getty Images/ Overearth
nervous systems. Without escapism, we ability to switch off. Our society’s obsession
would burn out much more easily. with achievement, success and busyness
means that we can feel pressured to use
The great thing about escapism is that our downtime constructively through goal-
there is little effort involved and the benefits oriented pursuits such as learning a new
are often immediate. Recent studies have hobby. But trying to be productive all the
shown that escapism can increase levels time is not good for us. Allowing ourselves to
of restorative sleep, awareness and social engage in a ‘mindless’ or relaxing activity for
connections while significantly reducing no other purpose than to unwind activates
stress. Paradoxically, it can also boost our our parasympathetic nervous system, which
levels of productivity. Escapism can provide slows down our breathing and heart rate. This
a much-needed respite for our brain by can reduce anxiety and stress by creating a
encouraging easier thinking and a lower need sense of calm within us, which can help to
for cognition. This means that when we do reduce blood pressure and strengthen our
need to work hard, we can learn and focus immune system.
better as our brains are not so exhausted.
So the next time guilt creeps in about
Escapism essentially is about embracing spending all day binge-watching Netflix,
‘mindlessness’. The concept of mindfulness remember that ‘practising mindlessness’ is a
and ‘living in the present’ has been all the crucial part of our mental wellbeing toolbox.
rage in recent years, and while they are

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 33

UNDERSTANDING JEALOUSY

34 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

UNDERSTANDING JEALOUSY

UNDERSTANDING

The green-eyed monster is an unruly
beast. Here’s how to recognise it, tame it
and sometimes use it to your advantage

Y ou’re scrolling through social WORDS KATHERINE BEBO JAMES HARTLEY
media and discover that
Sally has a new car, Tawfique choosing to ignore what’s going on and James is a counsellor and
has been promoted, and trying to bury how you’re feeling. psychotherapist with the British
Robyn is #livingherbestlife
whilst doing a handstand in a bikini. Oh, But sweeping emotions under the Association of Counselling
and Ming-Lee has received a huge bunch carpet is never a good plan. Repressed and Psychotherapy (BACP)
of flowers from her husband, just because. jealousy is bound to surface at some and a Breathworks Accredited
How do you feel? Thrilled for your friends’ point and, most likely, will have
happiness, good fortune and killer abs? become more intense while it was mindfulness teacher.
Or – be honest – a teensy bit jealous? stewing. “It’s difficult to manage jealousy,”
says Emma, “because it’s considered to be WWW.ONE-MIND.CO.UK
Jealousy often comes from a place of fear. an unacceptable emotion to feel.” Jealousy @ONEMIND_MANCHESTER
Fear of losing your partner to someone else, is regarded as an ‘ugly’ trait, reserved for
fear of being outshone by a higher-achieving the bitter bunny boilers of this world. But EMMA KANGIS
colleague, fear of your siblings getting more jealousy is, in fact, very common. A study
by the University of California, San Diego, Emma is an executive coach
attention from your parents than you… found that around 80% of the people and personal development
“Jealousy is a primal emotion,” says surveyed admitted to feeling envious in
counsellor and psychotherapist James the past year. Interestingly, it was those consultant, and founder
Hartley. Evolution developed it as part under the age of 30 who felt the of EK Coaching.
of a spectrum of emotions included in most jealous. “Jealousy is a natural
emotional state,” confirms Emma, WWW.EKCOACHING.CO.UK
‘The Threat System’, which was designed “and we all experience it at some
to keep us safe and ensure our survival. So point in our lives.” Indeed, jealousy KAREN DEMPSEY
say, for example, you see your partner flirting can creep in to every relationship we
with someone else and your natural reaction have – be it amongst partners, friends, family Karen is a psychotherapist
is to feel jealous – this jealousy would alert members, colleagues and even strangers. who works with
you to a threat in your relationship and, in
turn, a threat to your happiness, or ‘survival’. All the feels The Awareness Centre.
“Jealousy is synonymous with anxiety,” states
Executive coach and personal James. While some level of anxiety in life WWW.THEAWARENESSCENTRE.COM
development consultant Emma Kangis is helpful, as it motivates us – rather than
expands, “Jealousy can trigger the brain to SUSY ROBERTS
release stress hormones that cause a ‘fight
or flight’ response.” This stress response can Susy is an executive coach and
lead to a spike in blood pressure and a founder of people development
raised heart rate. So you may go in to fight
the situation, confronting your partner consultancy Hunter Roberts.
or the object of their wandering eye; or
you might handle it in a different way, WWW.HUNTERROBERTS.COM
perhaps becoming quiet and sulky, or even
Jealousy is a natural
emotional state, and we all
experience it at some point

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 35

UNDERSTANDING JEALOUSY

Jealousy we supposed to be happy for others? Left or caregiver fails to provide adequate
can sometimes unchecked, jealousy can have a detrimental unconditional love and safety to a child,” he
produce impact on mental health, leaving us says. Growing up in such an environment,
a positive stressed, troubled and unhappy. “Comparing a person seeks love and security
outcome yourself with others, and wanting what elsewhere, and can become dependent
others have, can erode your peace of mind,” on external sources of self-worth, such
leaving us indifferent and neglectful to our warns psychotherapist Karen Dempsey. as wealth, relationships and career.
needs – too much can become unhelpful,
dangerous even. Those who experience a But it’s not just our mental health that takes Although jealousy can be destructive
high level of jealousy often suffer from a high a beating when our eyes are tinged green. and cause insecurity, suspicion, bitterness,
degree of insecurity and feel that to ‘be okay’ Any or all of the feelings that jealousy brings fear and resentment, it can sometimes
depends on factors outside of themselves. can culminate in physical symptoms, such produce a positive outcome. A feeling of
For example, ‘I’m okay if… my partner as racing thoughts, nausea, panic, insomnia jealousy can be the wake-up call we need
promises to never leave me’, or ‘I’m okay if… and even depression. Research backs up in order to nurture our relationships and
I have a bigger house than so-and-so’. This the fact that being jealous actually causes not take them for granted. “We can all be
mindset means that a person’s self-worth and the body discomfort; one study found that complacent with family, friendships and
sense of safety in the world hinges on others, jealousy activates a part of the brain that’s partners,” says Emma. “A situation may
and that they ultimately have no control over involved in processing physical pain. create feelings of jealousy and remind us
their own happiness. “Consequently, jealous not to be quite so complacent.” So jealousy
people can become coercive, manipulative Wake-up call is sometimes a necessary emotion in
and controlling,” says James, “as they seek Humans are inherently competitive. Research order to preserve bonds and encourage
to control the external factors that are has found that a group of strangers put in someone to ‘up their game’ in a certain
influencing their internal sense of wellbeing.” a room together will almost immediately relationship. In the workplace, jealousy can
start to assess each other – who’s more be a motivator and can encourage a sense
Jealousy can also stir up a mix of other attractive, who’s more successful, who’s of healthy competition in order to reach
emotions. We may feel anger if someone stronger, and so on. But why do some your potential. “A spirit of competition may
at work is promoted over us; paranoia if people feel more competitive – or jealous keep you on your toes and help you work
our partner is spending a lot of time with – than others? Root causes of jealousy can on reaching your goals,” confirms Karen.
someone else; resentment if our siblings get include high neuroticism, low self-esteem
more attention from our parents; sadness and fear of abandonment. “The extent to Extreme jealousy, however, is nobody’s
if we think we’re being hard done by and which we feel jealousy stems from our friend. It’s a destructive, toxic emotion and
aren’t happy with our ‘lot’. We may also personal experiences throughout life,” can lead to a great deal of upset – both for
feel guilty for being jealous – after all, aren’t says Emma. If, in childhood, someone’s the person feeling jealous and for the person
needs, desires or wishes weren’t met, who is on the receiving end. To deal with
they may have become accustomed to feelings of jealousy, self-awareness is key.
regularly wanting what others have. “If you note you’re feeling jealous, check
in with yourself to see where your fears or
James agrees that childhood insecurities are coming from,” advises Karen.
experiences play a part in the level of Recognising what triggers jealousy for you
jealousy a person feels. “A high degree of means you can start to manage those feelings
jealousy as an adult can occur if a parent before they become damaging. “Try to focus
on yourself rather than others,” suggests
JEALOUSY VS ENVY Emma. “If you feel jealous of someone,
remind yourself of your own strengths
Although the terms ‘jealousy’ and ‘envy’ are often used and achievements.” Obsessing over what
interchangeably, there is a difference between the two. “Feeling someone else has means you spend less
jealous towards someone usually happens when we feel possessive time focusing on how you can improve your
over something or someone and we fear we might be replaced,” own situation to become more fulfilled.
explains Emma. “We feel envy when someone has something that we
don’t have.” It’s possible to feel jealousy and envy at the same time. No comparison
Furthermore, there are two types of envy: malicious and benign. Certain techniques can help to rein in your
Malicious envy comes from a place of bitterness and an ‘I want jealousy. First, you could try mindfulness
what they have’ attitude, whereas benign envy is more aspirational, to reduce negative thought patterns. When
you feel jealous, take a few minutes to
along the lines of, ‘If they can do it, perhaps I can too’. sit quietly and focus on your breathing –
A study at Tilburg University in the Netherlands showed benign envy breathe in for three seconds, hold for four
and breathe out for five – to enable yourself
to be a powerful motivational force, encouraging students to feel more calm and centred. Going for
to dedicate more time to their school work. a walk or doing another form of exercise
may also be beneficial. “Journalling about
frustrations and the root of your jealousy
may help,” recommends Emma. “It frees
the mind.” She also suggests talking to
someone, be that a friend, colleague, coach
or therapist to release negative emotions
and give the mind the opportunity to create
space for other, more positive thoughts. “It

36 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

UNDERSTANDING JEALOUSY

WORKING can be refreshing and helpful to share how people’s public personas – a veritable
we are feeling,” she says. The person we highlight reel of pouting selfies, self-
WITH are talking to may even reassure us that congratulatory statuses and smug hashtags
our feelings of jealousy are unfounded. – it’s easy to feel inferior. But jealousy can
JEALOUSY prevent us from living a secure, fulfilled
Jealousy can become a habit. “The life, so it’s important to try to control
Executive coach more we remind our brains of jealousy, the negative aspects of this emotion.
Susy Roberts says: the more repetitive it can become,” warns “Recognising and managing jealousy can
“Jealousy can occur at work if Emma. Many people are never content lead to a better understanding of ourselves
someone’s promoted and someone with what they have and are constantly and what drives us, and ultimately can
else believes they deserve it, or if looking for something more. Social media make us healthier, happier people,”
they perceive that managers are often doesn’t do us any favours in this concludes Emma. Crucially, we need to
favouring others. This can result regard – it enables access to a constant stop comparing ourselves to others; after all,
in insecurity, perhaps leading to barrage of everyone’s ‘perfect’ life. When comparison is the enemy of contentment.
attempts of sabotage: talking we start comparing ourselves to other
behind someone’s back and trying
to bring them down. If you’ve
felt this way, talk to your boss –
diplomatically. Don’t shout like a
moody teenager; explain how you
feel and give your reasons. Ask
what you can do to put yourself
in line for promotion next time.
If you’re a manager dealing with
a jealous person, listen to them
and discuss their aspirations, then
support them to achieve them.
Jealousy is rarely borne of malice
and is often the result of someone
feeling overworked and under-
appreciated. Little acts of kindness
and attempts to understand
where the other person is coming
from can nip it in the bud.”

Extreme © Getty Images / CSA Images
jealousy is
nobody’s friend.
It’s a destructive,
toxic emotion

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 37

WHY YOU NEED A ROLE MODEL

WHY YOU NEED A

MODEL

You can’t be it if you don’t see it –
having people to look up to can help

you fulfil your potential and be a
better influence yourself

WORDS CLAIRE SWEETING

T he late Captain Sir Tom Moore FIONA MURDEN
was the role model we didn’t
know we needed in 2020. He Fiona is a psychologist, public speaker
aimed to raise £1,000 for the and author of the books Defining You
NHS by walking 100 lengths of and Mirror Thinking: How Role Models
his garden, but famously ended up raising
Make Us Human.
£33 million and receiving a knighthood.
He helped us all feel we have a part to DR GARY WOOD
play, and inspired countless others
around the UK to raise hundreds of Dr Wood is a social psychologist, life
thousands of pounds for charity. coach, broadcaster and author of books
Most people say their biggest
role models are their parents or a including Unlock Your Confidence and
particularly inspiring teacher at The Psychology of Wellbeing.
school, but we are all influenced by
people we meet or are exposed to countryside or simply watching Countryfile. It
throughout our lives. learns by imitation, enabling us to grow and
In psychologist Fiona develop through the transfer of knowledge
Murden’s book, Mirror and behaviour. So how can we get the most
Thinking: How Role from our role models and, in turn, model
Models Make Us good behaviour to others?
Human, she links role
models to the brain’s
mirror neuron. The
mirror neuron fires even
when we’re not doing
something ourselves, for
instance whether we’re
actually walking in the

38 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

WHY YOU NEED A ROLE MODEL

1 Reflect on role 3 Mirror the 5 Become a good © Getty Images / Maria Voronovich
models from characteristics role model
your past you want yourself
How have people in your past, to have Whether we like it or not, we
especially your parents, influenced Be methodical and think about all model behaviour to others.
you? Studies have shown that mirroring our
parents while growing up can influence how where you want to do better in your life – Awareness of your own role models and
empathetic, kind or co-operative we are. family relationships? Work? Physical activity? focusing on the best ones will help you to
“Some of our characteristics are predisposed, Who in your close circle does that thing well? bring out the best in yourself. Wood talks
but others will be shaped by our families and DO IT Murden suggests we map our about moving into a new house and doing
others,” says Murden. role models against specific areas in our lives up his garden, after which several of his
DO IT Murden suggests drawing a timeline by drawing concentric circles, with ourselves neighbours suddenly improved their gardens
of your life, plotting major events that have in the middle. Coming out from the middle, too. “If we do positive stuff, people will notice
happened to you. “Think about who and write the names of personal role models (close and it will spark an idea in them,” he says.
what influenced you,” she says. “Some will family members and friends), situational role Barack Obama has credited his grandmother
be negative and some will be positive.” models (someone we observe from a distance for much of his success, saying, “She’s the one
Recognising how they have affected you will such as a gym instructor, colleague or doctor), who taught me about hard work.” Almost two-
boost your self-awareness and help you to and aspirational role models (famous people thirds of grandparents in the UK regularly
reject the behaviours you don’t want to mirror and historical figures). Then think about which look after their grandchildren, which is a great
and choose ones that will make you happier. behaviours we can mirror – for example, opportunity to model positive behaviour.
thinking about a neighbour’s impressive DO IT Murden says role models need to
2 Think about the commitment to running might help you to nurture trust, and be present and
role models power on with an exercise regime. committed. Good communication
you seek now skills are important too – she
Psychologist Gary Wood says 4 Avoid mirroring suggests listening to interviews
that when we’re thinking about bad behaviour and thinking about passages in
A 32-year American study found books that resonate with you.
who we admire, we should “never take the that with close friends, if one Even things like being polite to
whole package because we are all flawed. became obese the chance of the person serving us at a shop
But someone might have one aspect we can will model positive behaviour.
learn from, like being really focused.” Your the other also doing so rises by a staggering
role models should inspire you to do similar 171%. But this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t
things yourself. “Think about: what does this be friends with people who exhibit these
person stand for? And what do I want to behaviours. “I don’t like it when people say
stand for?” says Wood. “Sometimes if we’ve to audit your friendship group. Your friends
got a problem, we can be so connected to it are your friends,” says Murden. “But if there’s
emotionally that we can’t think rationally. It something less positive about your friend,
can help to think about somebody we admire can you try to influence them?”
and wonder, ‘What would they do?’” DO IT It’s important to focus on the decisions
DO IT “Reading autobiographies is a way of we make when we’re around others, says
finding out how people did well in their lives,” Murden, and “listen to the dissenting voice in
says Wood. Concentrate on the behaviours, your head.”
then mirror the good and discard the bad.

Never take
the whole
package
because we’re
all flawed

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 39

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SENSES PSYCHOLOGY NOW

GET IN

TOUCH
WITH YOUR

Don’t take your
five senses for
granted. Tap in
to each of them
in turn to help
you become more
focused and
mindful towards

the world
around you

WORDS JULIE BASSETT

W e use our key senses
every day to see,
hear, smell, taste and
feel our way around
our environment.
By paying attention to these senses, we
can become more in tune with the things
around us, and in turn more grateful for what
we have in our lives. Try these five simple
activities to stimulate your senses.

40

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SENSES

1 I spy… 4 Get in touch
‘I spy’ is not just for kids (although with nature
they can join in too!). Playing this Go for a walk in nature, whether
simple game forces you to really in a local park, on a beach, or in a
focus on your surroundings. forest. You might be used to
Challenge yourself to find something for
every letter of the alphabet (or your name), or using your sense of hearing to notice the
work through the colours of the rainbow. sounds around you, but why not engage your
sense of touch? Explore the textures of the
natural world in a tactile way. What does bark
on a tree feel like? How do leaves on trees
differ in texture? How does sand between
your toes feel?

2 Listen to
your home
We take our homes for granted
and don’t notice everyday
sounds. Take a moment to sit

down in a comfortable spot and focus on
the sounds around you. This might be
passing traffic, people talking in the street, or
birds in the garden. Which noise do you find
the most comforting?

Become in
tune with the
things around
you, and more
grateful

3 Taste when 5 Wake up © Getty Images / BonneCahnce
you cook and smell
If you’re always rushing to cook the flowers
a quick meal, slow down and Head out into your garden (or
engage your sense of taste. When someone else’s or your nearest

you’re cooking your next dish, make an effort green space) and use your nose. There are
to taste the different ingredients that you’re a lot of natural smells in nature that you
adding individually. How does this new taste might not notice when they’re all mingled in
change the overall taste of your meal? This together. Rub your fingers on different flowers
will help you to connect to what you’re eating and herbs, and see what they smell like. You’ll
in a more mindful way. find yourself drawn towards certain smells
more than others – which ones appeal to you
the most?

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 41

EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMEBODY

EVERYBODY

NEEDS

The need to belong is one of humanity’s
most basic drives, with roots deep in
our evolutionary history

WORDS EDOARDO ALBERT

B elonging is a matter of life and and starvation. Even before modern human deeply as the needs for food and shelter.
death. In the modern world, beings (Homo sapiens) evolved around But what does it mean, to belong? In the
that is reflected in people who 200,000 years ago, our primate forebears psychological study of this basic human
report having secure feelings lived in social groups in which gathering, need, belonging is defined as the subjective
of belonging living longer, hunting and guarding against predators was experience, unique to each individual,
enjoying better health and generally saying shared – it’s almost impossible for a predator that produces a deeply felt yearning for
that they live more fulfilling lives than those to take a troop of baboons by surprise for connection with other people, as well as the
who complain of loneliness and alienation. the number of eyes and ears on guard need to be held in positive regard by other
But for the roughly 95% of human history against the approach of danger, whereas a people and to make and enjoy interpersonal
when people lived the life of hunter single, solitary baboon is at constant risk connections with other people. Note that
gatherers in small, mobile family groups of attack. belonging is not a function of the number
numbering not much more than a hundred of people somebody knows: it is perfectly
individuals, expulsion from the group would What does belonging mean? possible for someone to be constantly
in most cases have led to a swift death, either So the need to belong, particularly to a group, surrounded by other people and to still feel
at the teeth of predators or through exposure is imprinted in our human inheritance as lonely and isolated.

42 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMEBODY

The sense THE ROOTS
of belonging OF BELONGING
can also be
triggered
by memories

What’s more, the sense of belonging is not Our attempts to understand what it means to belong go back to the
limited to groups of people but extends to great Greek philosophers. In his Symposium, a dialogue between the
a wide variety of other experiences, from most famous Athenians of his day, Plato puts into the mouth of the
the deeply felt connection some people comic playwright Aristophanes a half-playful, half-serious speech where
have with respect to particular places and he contends that all humanity’s problems are due to the gods deciding
landscapes – some people seem drawn to
the sea, others to deserts and mountains – to that the first human beings were too powerful and Zeus splitting
the love of country and culture. The sense of every original person in half. This split has endured and we continue
belonging can also be triggered by memories, to search, for the most part fruitlessly, for our missing other halves.
with the sense of smell in many people Aristotle developed a theory of friendship in his Nicomachean Ethics
being particularly powerful in recalling that continues to be useful to this day: CS Lewis, in his book The Four
memories of the past. All these features make Loves, defined friendship as being “born at the moment when one man
the sense of belonging a particularly rich says to another ‘What? You too? I thought that no one but myself…’.”
source of human experience, but also make it Thus for Lewis, friendship too is grounded in a sense of belonging, a
particularly challenging to understand in all bridge across the gulf that otherwise alienates us from other people.
its fullness.
(1907-1990). Working with children orphaned bonded emotionally to their parents because
The first attempts to understand during World War II, Bowlby realised that the parent supplied the food and shelter
our need to belong they mourned their lost parents and that that satisfied the child’s ‘primary drive’ for
Early psychology had a crudely reductionist this sense of loss was enduring and caused sustenance and shelter. The emotional bond
view of human nature, with behaviourism, them considerable difficulties. But the was secondary to this primary drive. So,
the dominant school of psychology for the problem was, according to the prevailing according to theory, these orphaned children
first half of the 20th century, arguing that psychological theories of the time, children should have formed emotional bonds to
all human nature could be understood in
terms of stimulus and response, as if Pavlov’s
salivating dog was the key to understanding
all the deepest aspects of human nature. One
of the first to break away from this model
was the British psychologist John Bowlby

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 43

EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMEBODY

the need to belong is fundamental
to human wellbeing

the people who now supplied them with with baby rhesus monkeys. Harlow raised the children and parents in humans was specific
food and shelter: foster parents, orphanage baby monkeys with two artificial mothers: a to us as a species and resulted from the
caretakers and so on. But they did not. They wire ‘mother’ that provided milk, and a terry unusual dependency and helplessness of
carried the original loss with them and cloth ‘mother’ that gave no sustenance but human babies and children. Babies and
despite the general kindness of the people could be cuddled. The little baby rhesus children exhibit particular attachment
taking care of them, and their satisfying monkeys preferred the terry cloth ‘mother’, behaviours: proximity/contact maintenance
that primary drive for food and shelter, the only visiting the wire ‘mother’ to feed. When and separation protest. In other words, babies
children did not form anything like the same coupled with Konrad Lorenz’s work on and young children try to stay close to their
emotional bonds with their new caregivers as imprinting in animals such as ducks – the parents, and cry when they are separated
they had enjoyed with their parents. newly hatched duckling latched on to the first from them.
moving object it saw as its mother – Bowlby
Bowlby’s genius was that he was able to had the elements for a new and revolutionary By keeping in contact with a parent who
remove the blinkers placed over his eyes theory of attachment. provides protection (and other work cited
by his training and look at what he was by Bowlby showed that babies and children
seeing in the children and adolescents he Babies need their mummies formed attachments to figures who provided
was treating. To formulate his work, Bowlby Bowlby argued that the attachment between security but did not necessarily provide them
made use of the studies by Harry Harlow with food: that is, fathers), a baby is ensuring
its own survival. In evolutionary terms, the
GENIE only protection a human infant could find
was from its parents: other species might
In 1970, a woman looking for help with her cataracts stumbled into the leave an infant in safety in a den or leave it
wrong room. Because she was functionally blind, she did not realise that she camouflaged by its own markings, but none
had walked into the Los Angeles County welfare office. The welfare officers of these options are available for a human
saw that the woman was leading a little girl, who looked about seven, who baby. Safety lies in the arms of parents.
could not talk, could barely focus her eyes, who was incontinent and barely Thus natural selection ensured that human
babies would exhibit a suite of behaviours
able to swallow. The little girl, Genie Wiley, weighed 26kg and she was to maintain contact with their parents and
actually 13 years old. It turned out that Genie’s father had, from the age of to prevent separation from them: think of
two, strapped her into a straitjacket attached to a toilet during the day, and a baby’s protests when it is handed off to a
during the night he tied her into a sleeping bag in a cage. If Genie tried to visiting relative to attempt to coo over, and
speak, her father beat her with a length of wood or barked and growled at how often the baby has to be handed back
her like a dog. Genie’s father beat his functionally blind wife and prevented to its mother before it will settle. This safety
her from interacting with Genie. But after 11 years of this treatment, Genie’s and security-seeking behaviour continues
mother sought help, taking Genie with her and, fatefully, stumbling into the as babies grow into children. As Bowlby drily
wrong office. When Genie emerged from confinement, she had virtually no remarked, a child is like a missile when trying
language. A number of psychologists formed a team to both rehabilitate to make contact with an attachment figure: it
and study Genie, for she might provide answers to questions of whether won’t stop until it hits the target.
there was a window for language development and social skills acquisition
that, once missed, could not be gained. But after a few years of study, the Lack of belonging brings consequences
However, when an infant is denied response
researchers split apart in acrimony, with some making accusations that to its overtures, he or she soon learns to
others regarded Genie more as an experimental subject than a person. turn away. Bowlby himself demonstrated
Genie was eventually taken back into the care of the State of California, this effect in an experiment where he asked
where she has remained ever since, the authorities refusing requests for any mothers to remain expressionless for three
further information as to her fate, although she remains a ward of the state, minutes while their babies attempted to
and reports suggest that she was living in a small home for intellectually interact with them. At first, the infant tries
disabled people. The small amount of language Genie regained was lost to get some sort of reaction from his or her
again in the confusion and uncertainty over the battles for custody that mother but, when all efforts fail to elicit a
response, eventually the infant turns away.
engulfed her in her young adulthood and she never recovered it. Three minutes might not seem like long, but it

44 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMEBODY

was long enough for the infant to start to give we must eat and drink every day to remain survive. Many of the first behaviours that
up. In cases where the mother, or primary healthy. Indeed, if somebody cannot find emerge in babies are social, and geared
caregiver, is unresponsive or abusive over the belonging in socially acceptable ways, they towards increasing bonds with their
longer term, the results are hugely injurious might well seek it among groups, such as mothers: baby’s first smile, around six weeks
to the child. Sadly, there are enough cases of gangs, cults and radical cells, that will offer a after birth, always elicits cries of delight from
long-term neglect for it to be clear that it has sense of belonging that they have not been mum. Even at the very earliest stage in life,
disastrous consequences, as in the case of able to find in everyday society. when a baby is less than a day old, they will
Genie Wiley (see the boxout on page 42). preferentially look at a human face rather
Given that the need to belong is than a similar-sized object but without the
Hierarchy of needs fundamental to human wellbeing, we would normal layout of eyes, nose and mouth.
By the second half of the 20th century, expect it to be present from the earliest A baby is predisposed to look at faces,
psychologists were starting to realise that moments of life. Indeed, the very first action searching among those clustering around
the reductionist view of human nature that performed by a newborn baby confirms this. it for the signs that mark out its mother.
underpinned behaviourism was insufficient Put a newborn on their mother’s tummy and Among those signs is the ‘baby language’
to explain human psychology, and a the baby will find their way to her breast to that new mothers adopt with their infant:
movement began that came to be called feed. This instinctive ‘breast crawl’, the first the content tends to feature repeated words
humanistic psychology. self-driven act of a newborn baby, answers and phrases but even more important is its
to the fundamental needs for nourishment unusual tonal quality, a sing-song rhythm
One of its chief proponents was Abraham and belonging. In an evolutionary context, that sets it apart from ordinary human
Maslow (1908-1970). Concerned that almost it makes perfect sense for human babies to communication as ‘baby talk’.
all psychological research up to this time had seek contact as soon as possible after birth,
concentrated on the mentally ill, Maslow set for human babies are, by some margin, the Child’s play
about establishing a psychology of mental most helpless of all newly born animals. A As the baby becomes an infant and then
health by studying mentally healthy people newborn foal will stagger onto its feet and be a child, the need to belong broadens, first
and developing testable theories of human able to walk within a half hour and be stable encompassing other family members
potential and growth. With respect to the on its feet in an hour; a human baby is still before spreading to other children. As
psychology of belonging, Maslow’s most falling over two years after birth. The long- young as four, children are keen to fit in to
important contribution was his idea of the term helplessness of baby Homo sapiens a group. In one experiment, three children
hierarchy of needs, where the most basic is the direct result of the sapiens: the baby in a group were shown one picture while
physiological needs form the base of an emerges with a head as big as can safely fit the fourth was shown a different picture
ascending pyramid, surmounted by basic through the birth canal but even so, the baby (without any of them knowing this). If
safety needs and then, on the next level, is still very far from full development; in the children were then asked about what
the needs for love and belonging. Although essence, the baby continues in a gestational they had seen, the fourth child, if they
the hierarchy of needs is almost always state for the first few months after being had heard the answers given by the other
nowadays presented in the form of a nice, born. It’s a harsh evolutionary trade-off and children, would modify their response to
graphic triangle, Maslow’s idea was more one that many women, particularly in pre- fit in with what the other children had said,
subtle and fluid: he thought the various modern times, paid for with their lives: one even though it did not apply to the picture
needs could and did exist simultaneously study found that, between 1700 and 1750 in presented to them. So in order to win social
in a person; he did not think that the first England, ten women died for every thousand acceptance, in order to belong, children as
two levels of the pyramid had to be satisfied births; in 2015, the maternal mortality ratio for young as four will make things up in order
before a person started worrying about love the UK was eight deaths for every 100,000 not to stand out from the group.
and belonging. However, should people fail births – around a hundred-fold improvement.
to meet the needs for love and belonging, This is by no means confined to children.
the resulting stress and unhappiness makes Being so dependent on mum, a baby In adults it produces a phenomenon
it necessary for them to divert energy into absolutely needs to foster a sense of called groupthink, where individuals in a
ameliorating this lack of love and belonging. belonging in his or her mother in order to
This diversion of effort comes at the expense
of the higher order needs of self-esteem SELF-ACTUALIZATION
and actualisation.
PASSION, MORALITY,
Belonging as a fundamental CREATIVITY, PROBLEM SOLVING
human need
Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary went further ESTEEM
in their 1995 paper, arguing that the need to
belong is as fundamental a human need as SELF-ESTEEM, CONFIDENCE,
the basic physiological ones. But if the need RESPECT OF OTHERS, RESPECT BY OTHERS
to belong is a fundamental human need,
the interpersonal relationships that are the LOVE/BELONGING
most significant aspect of belonging must
be maintained. According to Baumeister FAMILY, FRIENDSHIP, AFFECTION,
and Leary, this happens through regular INTIMACY, SOCIAL INTERACTION
interactions with the people in one’s closest
social circles, with these interactions SAFETY
occurring in the context of long-term care
and affection. By this view, the need for SECURITY OF: BODY, EMPLOYMENT,
belonging has to be assuaged regularly, just as RESOURCES, MORALITY, FAMILY, PROPERTY, HEALTH

PHYSIOLOGICAL

FOOD, WATER, SLEEP,
BREATHING, HEALTH

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 45

EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMEBODY

DO YOU BELONG?

In 1995, two researchers, Bonnie Hagerty and Kathleen Patusky, developed a test to measure people’s sense of belonging. The first part
measures people’s sense of embeddedness and involvement in relationships, both local and wider, while the second part deals with people’s

sense of how past events have affected their sense of belonging. Both parts have four possible answers, from strongly agree to strongly
disagree, with a number score attached to each answer. Try taking the test below.

SENSE OF BELONGING -

I could not see or call my friends for days and it wouldn’t matter to them

PART 1 Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

I often wonder if there is any place on Earth where I really fit in -

Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4 I feel left out of things

- Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4
I am just not sure if I fit in with my friends
-

Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4 I am not valued by or important to my friends

- Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4
I see myself as a misfit in social situations

Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

- TOTAL SCORE FOR PART 1 ................
I usually feel that people do not accept me

Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

- SENSE OF BELONGING
I feel like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that does not fit into the puzzle

Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4 PART 2

- It is important to me that I am valued or accepted by others

I would like to make a difference to the people around me Strongly agree - 4 Agree - 3 Disagree - 2 Strongly disagree - 1
but I don’t feel what I have to offer is valued
-
Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4 In the past, I have felt valued and important to others

- Strongly agree - 4 Agree - 3 Disagree - 2 Strongly disagree - 1

I feel like an outsider in most situations -
It is important to me that I fit in somewhere in this world
Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

- Strongly agree - 4 Agree - 3 Disagree - 2 Strongly disagree - 1

I often feel that I have no place in this world -
I have qualities that can be important to others
Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

- Strongly agree - 4 Agree - 3 Disagree - 2 Strongly disagree - 1

I could disappear for days and it wouldn’t matter to my family -
I am working on fitting in better with those around me
Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

- Strongly agree - 4 Agree - 3 Disagree - 2 Strongly disagree - 1

In general, I don’t feel part of the mainstream of society -
I want to be a part of things going on around me
Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

- Strongly agree - 4 Agree - 3 Disagree - 2 Strongly disagree - 1

I feel like I observe life rather than participate in it -
It is important to me that my thoughts and opinions are valued
Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

- Strongly agree - 4 Agree - 3 Disagree - 2 Strongly disagree - 1

If I died tomorrow, very few people would come to my funeral -
Generally, other people recognise my strengths and good points
Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

- Strongly agree - 4 Agree - 3 Disagree - 2 Strongly disagree - 1

I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole -
I can make myself fit in anywhere
Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

- Strongly agree - 4 Agree - 3 Disagree - 2 Strongly disagree - 1

I don’t feel that there is any place where I really fit in this world -

Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4 TOTAL SCORE FOR PART 2 ................

- TOTAL SCORE

I am uncomfortable that my background and experiences (ADD PART 1 TO PART 2) FINAL SCORE ................
are so different from those who are around me

Strongly agree - 1 Agree - 2 Disagree - 3 Strongly disagree - 4

The final score, given by adding the totals for the sense of belonging test parts 1 and 2, can be anywhere between 27 and 108.
The higher the score, the greater your sense of belonging.

If you score lowly, and you’re unhappy and feel isolated, it would be worth seeking help. In the UK, contact the RVS (Royal
Voluntary Service) (0330 555 0310) and Support Line (01708 765200). In the US, contact the Institute on Aging Friendship
(1 800 971 0016) or Samaritans (1 877 870 4673). In Australia, contact Friendline (see www.friendline.org.au for phone numbers).

46 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMEBODY

getting up and the difficult transition into adulthood. Indeed, various studies have shown that a © Getty Images / Arthobbit / Dmitrii_Guzhanin / Iryna Alekseienko
and out and In fact, most youth who join a gang remain profound sense of belonging is as beneficial
about improves members for only two years, although to one’s health as a good diet and plenty
the senses of those gang members who identify most of exercise, whereas social isolation and a
belonging strongly with the gang are the ones who are feeling of alienation is as deleterious to health
most likely to remain members for longer, as smoking, obesity and high blood pressure.
group will consciously avoid bringing up sometimes a decade or more. One study of older people looking at
facts or opinions that would challenge the outcomes following an initial stroke showed
established ideas and patterns of the group. The loneliness epidemic that the single biggest risk factor contributing
It avoids conflict and helps the individual The periods of early and middle adulthood towards further strokes or heart attacks was
to remain integrated into the group, but it are when the sense of belonging is typically isolation. Isolated people were twice as likely
can have disastrous effects with respect transferred into the development of romantic to have a follow-up stroke as people who had
to making decisions – we have seen this in and new family relationships, which requires deep and extensive social relationships. What
relation to policy-making in response to the separate consideration. But with the growth was more, recovery from stroke was directly
COVID-19 crisis, where dissenting voices and of children towards independence, the need correlated to membership in many different
opinions were suppressed. for group belonging typically strengthens social groups. Belonging, we can definitively
again. To put it simply, the effort and say, is good for you.
It’s wired in concentration required in raising children
The need to belong is a human universal, but generally narrows focus to a smaller social Since it is so good for you, it is perhaps
research shows that it reaches a unique pitch circle but once the children start moving out, no surprise that the opposite of belonging
of intensity during adolescence. In particular, a fresh broadening of life’s horizons is very – ostracism and rejection – is so painful.
adolescents are acutely sensitive to the beneficial. It is therefore a matter of some Indeed, neural imaging has shown that the
opposite of belonging – to being excluded concern that research in the UK indicates brain’s response to being rejected is similar
and ostracised. This may be a function of that the number of people over 50 who are to its response to bodily pain. One’s heart
the neural development that occurs during lonely is increasing and is expected to reach really can break, leading to all sorts of serious
this stage of life: neural imaging has shown two million by 2026. If this happens, and consequences, from depression through
that the brain develops extensive new continues, it is likely to have serious effects to illnesses as a result of a compromised
connections in this period in the regions on people’s health. Social contacts and immune system. Indeed, a 2015 study of
that deal with social interactions. Mixed friendships make people live longer and keep older people by The National Center for
up with the developing need to belong is them healthier while they are alive, making Biotechnology Information showed that
the separate but closely related sense of them more resistant to disease. The decline being rejected and alone led to people dying
personal identity: the two feed into and off in group activity is particularly concerning earlier, with the chance of socially isolated
each other. Adolescence is a time when when research has shown that for people people dying from disease increasing by 29%.
young people generally need to find a group over 50 vulnerable to depression, joining a This increased risk of mortality is a function
to which they can belong and in which they group makes them a quarter less likely to both of the reduced care that someone
can be themselves. However, the decline lapse back into depression, while joining living alone inevitably receives when ill, and
in group formation and activities outside three social groups reduces the chance of the body’s reduced response to physical
school, particularly unsupervised, informal further depressions by 63%. challenges as a result of isolation: human
groups, has led to a reduction of places in beings are, in the vast majority of cases,
which this can happen: online groups are Belonging is good for you social animals who will fail to thrive if kept
generally a poor substitute for face-to-face Indeed, just getting up and out and about in isolation.
interactions although they can appear, improves the senses of belonging, and health
initially, to be a substitute. and wellbeing. Given the increase in the Indeed, various studies have shown that
number of older people living alone – who the health benefits of a broad and deep
The reduction in opportunities to form are by that fact at greater sense of belonging, of being embedded
in-person relationships and, in some sectors risk of depression – the within relationships, families, church and
of society, the catastrophic decline in the message is get up, get
number of families with fathers, has led active, and join in. All social groups, and wider feelings of
to a continuing rise in young people, and of these activities connection to society, nature and
particularly adolescent and young men, promote the basic particular places and locations,
finding their sense of belonging in gangs. sense of belonging, foster such good in a person that
Researchers have found that gang members to the great benefit its effects outweigh most of the
typically find older male role models within of people’s health ills of modern society, from
the gang – role models denied to them by and happiness. smoking to obesity. In the
not having a father present through their deepest possible sense,
own childhoods. Given that a gang defines belonging is good for
itself against wider society and other gangs, the heart.
it necessarily fosters a sense of ‘us and them’
identity that provides many gang members
a bridge between a disconnected childhood

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 47

THE JOY OF LOW-MAINTENANCE FRIENDS

THE

OF

LOW-MAINTENANCE

FRIENDS

Simply by sharing a smile and a friendly chat
with casual acquaintances, you can add a
whole new dimension to your wellbeing

WORDS CLAIRE CANTOR

I f you’re a regular swimmer or dog without planning, who share a lighthearted are told, but there is no commitment
walker, a local shopper or seasoned chat or a cheery hello that brightens your day or expectation. It’s a pressure-free
visitor to your favourite café, you’ve and makes you feel noticed and cared for. relationship with feel-good benefits.
probably made some low-stakes, Here’s how to recognise, build and
casual friends – people you meet The low-stakes friendship is both fleeting nurture those casual friendships.
and intimate; advice is shared and troubles

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

48

THE JOY OF LOW-MAINTENANCE FRIENDS

DR TIMOTHY SHARP Friendships 3 Take it at © Getty Images / Holaillustrations
are the most face value
Dr Sharp is author of The Happiness important It’s human nature to want to
Handbook and 100 Ways to contributor feel validated and recognised,
to happiness appreciated and loved. We
Happiness, a positive psychologist
and mental health advocate. 1 find friends may satisfy this need through our family,
A casual friend is someone you work or community, but our ‘dip in, dip out’
DRHAPPY.COM.AU care about, but who doesn’t friendships provide a generous, agenda-
demand too much from you in free supply of confidence-building and
KATE LEAVER terms of time investment, energy connection – and we’re accepted at face
and emotion. They’re more than a mere value. Kate Leaver believes that casual
Kate is author of The Friendship acquaintance, but not a confidante. friendships can give us a warm, pleasant
Cure, a journalist and speaker. Friendships, and relationships more feeling of being liked, without emotional
generally, are the most important contributor pressure – and that can be a refreshing relief.
KATELEAVER.COM to happiness, wellbeing and even longevity, DO IT Being aware of how casual friendships
according to Dr Timothy Sharp, and the can make us feel is a great incentive to foster
DR EMMA SEPPÄLÄ quality of our relationships essentially them. Emma Seppälä reminds us that we are
determines the quality of our lives. The all far more similar than we are different – we
Dr Seppälä is author of The low-stakes friendship is a straightforward all want to be happy, we have all experienced
Happiness Track, and a research relationship – pure pleasure, like the froth on suffering and pain, and we are all both
psychologist at Yale University. the top of your coffee. vulnerable and strong. When you remember
DO IT Cultivate low-maintenance friends – this about others, you’ll feel closer to them and
EMMASEPPALA.COM join a regular exercise class, a book group also have the courage to connect with them.
or a choir; visit your local café or set up a
PSYCHOLOGY NOW ‘Conversation Café’ (cafe-conversations.co.uk). 4 Observe
Invite your neighbours over for a no-fuss boundaries
morning coffee, or find a local project The low-stakes friendship offers
where you can volunteer for a couple of freedom from preconceived
hours a week. ideas and demands, yet can

2 Try micro also provide a nourishing, high-quality
interactions relationship. We’re not trapped in set roles in
A chinwag at the café or a friendships based on activity and casual chat.
friendly word at the supermarket DO IT Make the most of ‘no-strings-attached’
checkout can provide an friendships by keeping the focus away from
yourself and onto the activity you share. Enjoy
essential sense of belonging and self- a shared moment, or an idea, rather than
worth in a fast-moving world. Dr Sharp delving into your inner world, and you’ll feel
says positive ‘micro interactions’ like these uplifted by a pleasant, weightless relationship.
boost our mood, increase creativity and
5 Be open
build resilience. With studies showing that Interacting with a diverse
loneliness can be more of a threat to range of people and building
health than obesity, positive social healthy relationships brings
interactions are even more important. colour and fullness to our lives.
DO IT Ease yourself in with a safe, Dr Sharp says that by having a wide circle
predictable chat, or ask questions of friendships and interactions, we open
of the other person for minimum ourselves up to having a broader and more
exposure. Offer a compliment to a varied range of life experiences. The key is
stranger, or help others with heavy to avoid making assumptions and judging
bags. Engage in conversation on a others, he says, which isn’t always easy! But if
shared interest – if you are both we can avoid prejudging, we’ll give ourselves
holding a book on the train the best chance to find, foster and develop a
platform, or dog walking, let rich network of friends – and a casual mate
that be your focus. could turn into a best friend forever.
DO IT Keep things low-key by showing
interest in people’s life experiences – you’ll
be surprised by how much you will have in
common. We have so much to learn from each
other, the challenges others have been through,
and their perspective on life.

49

FALSE MEMORIES

FALSE

MEMORIES
Does your brain record memories like a
videotape, or is our recollection more of
an artist impression of past events?

WORDS SCOTT DUTFIELD

W e are particularly to cook your family’s famous pasta recipe to By its very definition, a false memory is
precious about our recalling monumental moments such as your one that is a fabricated or distorted
memories. As records wedding day, memories are often thought recollection of an event, often surrounding
of life events locked of as a recording of time. But what if your fact. For example, imagine walking down
away in our minds, our recall of life events isn’t as accurate as you the street and catching a glimpse of a man
memories are the biological biographies of originally thought? Could ‘false memories’ be strolling past and you recall him wearing
our history, and a reference guide on how to unwittingly infiltrating your brain, creating a backpack. If you were then asked what
function in daily life. From remembering how details of an event that never happened? colour the backpack was, you might recount

50 PSYCHOLOGY NOW