FALSE MEMORIES
Could ‘false 51
memories’
be creating
details of an
event that
never actually
happened?
seeing red. But then what if self-doubt occurs
and, in actuality, you think it was his hoodie
that was red? Suggesting an alternative in
this way may cause the development of false
memory. The truth is that for the majority
of us, it’s impossible to perfectly recall the
events of an entire day, or even the past hour,
for that matter.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW
FALSE MEMORIES
STEVE RAMIREZ hit each other?’, while the other groups were
asked the same question, however, the word
AND XU LIU ‘hit’ was altered to words such as ‘smashed’,
‘collided’ or ‘bumped’. Loftus discovered
False memories may be unavoidably obtained as a side-effect of the that by altering the way the question was
influences and inferences of daily life. However, two MIT (Massachusetts asked, the study subjects recalled the event
Institute of Technology) scientists, Steve Ramirez and Xu Liu, achieved a differently. Those who were asked the
work of science fiction back in 2012 when they intentionally implanted a question using the word ‘smashed’ estimated
false memory into the brain of a mouse. The experiment centred around speeds of around 40 miles per hour, whereas
those who were asked the question using
provoking a fear memory recall for the mouse at the switch of a laser. the word ‘contacted’ estimated around 31
Initially placing the mouse in a box, the base of the box delivered a mild miles per hour. Similarly, when asked, ‘Did
foot shock, triggering a fear memory. At the point of memory formation, you see any broken glass?’, the majority of
the pair injected the mouse brain with a light-sensitive light switch protein participants correctly answered no, however,
called channelrhodopsin, which binds to the brain cells involved in memory. those asked the ‘smashed’ version of the
After placing the mouse into a second unfamiliar box, a laser was fired question were more likely to incorrectly say
at the brain, and the light-sensitive channelrhodopsin activated the brain there was broken glass in the video.
cells and replayed the fear memory to the mouse. This resulted in the What Loftus had uncovered was the effect
mouse’s natural fear response of ‘freezing’, thus proving the scientists had the verb played in leading the participants
to make a false recall of the event. But why
successfully implanted a fear memory into the mouse. is understanding false memories in this
way important? The answer lies in how we
The misinformation effect use our memories. Much more than mental
The truth behind false memories has snapshots of our lives, our memories have
been readily explored in been legalised and used as evidence to
recent decades, but no more so convict so-called criminals since the mid-
than by psychologist Professor 1970s. However, as DNA evidence became
Elizabeth Loftus. Her work in prevalent during the 1990s, there was a stark
the mid- to late-1970s revealed realisation that eyewitness testimony may
how our memories can be not be as reliable as was once believed.
contaminated and altered in
what is now known as the At a TED talk in 2013, Loftus recalled a
‘misinformation effect’. study of 300 cases of individuals where
In a series of experiments, DNA evidence had proven they had been
Loftus showed a group of wrongfully convicted, some of whom
participants a video of had served as long as 30 years. In three-
two cars colliding then, quarters of these cases, the conviction was a
once they were split consequence of ‘faulty eyewitness memory’.
into several groups,
quizzed the viewers on How reliable is eyewitness recall?
the events they had Several factors can affect eyewitness recall,
just witnessed. One such as interference, emotion and conflicting
group was asked the information. For example, one common
straightforward question, ‘How aspect of a crime prone to false memory
fast were the cars going when they construction is the presence of a weapon.
This was demonstrated by researchers
Johnson and Scott in 1976, in an experiment
that gave rise to what is now known as the
‘weapon focus’ effect.
Their experiment centred around the
effect of anxiety on the accuracy of
testimonies made by eyewitnesses.
Participants were asked to sit in a waiting
room at a laboratory. A nearby receptionist
then excused herself, leaving the test
Our memories can be
contaminated and altered
in what is now known as the
‘misinformation effect’
52 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
subjects alone. Split into two groups, the FALSE MEMORIES © Getty Images / Thenatchdl
first overheard the chatter of the employees
discussing equipment failure, as an individual THE LOST IN THE
walked past the subjects holding a pen in MALL TECHNIQUE
their hands covered in grease.
You may recall a memory whereby, as a child, you found yourself
The second group, placed in the same in a shopping centre or mall alone, having lost a parent among
waiting-room scenario, was exposed to a the hustle and bustle of busy shoppers. But what if that memory
heated exchange, breaking glass and an
individual moving past the participants was a complete fabrication?
holding a bloody knife. The two groups were Furthering her already extensive research on the topic of false
then asked to identify each person who had memories, Professor Elizabeth Loftus and her student Jacqueline
left the laboratory after being shown images Pickrell devised an experiment to assess whether or not their study
of 50 potential candidates. participants could recall a memory of such an event that never
occurred. Having consulted with their participants’ families, the pair
Surprisingly, members of the first group presented test subjects with four short narratives describing events
correctly identified the person walking with from their childhood, or so it seemed. Unbeknown to the subjects, one
the greasy pen 49% of the time, whereas of the stories was false and described an event whereby the subject
those exposed to the knife-wielding was lost in a mall as a child, aged around five or six years old. It told of
individual only correctly identified them them being left for an extended period of time before being reunited
33% of the time. It’s believed this is due to the
higher levels of anxiety felt by those exposed with their parents with the help of an elderly person.
to the knife, with their attention drawn to the Supported by details unique to each subject’s family, the tale seemed
knife rather than the person. This suggested perfectly plausible, which was reflected in the results. Around 25% of
a reduction in the accuracy of eyewitness the participants claimed to be able to remember the event, even going
testimonies of people who experience a as far as to provide extra information about the event not detailed to
situation involving a weapon. them in the experiment. Loftus and Pickrell concluded that the act of
The presence of weapons, leading verbs or imagining the event created a false memory.
suggestive language aren’t the only ways in
which false memory can lodge itself in our 53
brains. There are several theories to explain
what can lead to the original memory’s
distortion or alteration.
Fuzzy-trace theory
One such theory is the ‘fuzzy-trace theory’,
outlined by researchers Charles Brainerd and
Valerie F Reyna to explain a memory-creating
phenomenon called the Deese-Roediger-
McDermott (DRM) paradigm. The DRM
paradigm is a false memory task whereby
subjects are given a list of related words
that they are then required to remember.
For example, bed, rest, awake, tired, dream,
snooze, nap and slumber. The subjects are
then asked to recall the list of words after a
certain period of time – different studies have
explored a gap anywhere from a few minutes
to a few months. What this listicle test found
was that subjects typically recalled the word
‘sleep’, even though it was not on the list,
although it does relate to the other words.
This is where Brainerd and Reyna’s fuzzy-
trace theory aims to offer some answers,
and proposes that there are two types of
memory. The first, verbatim, is where we
recall the details of a memory vividly and
more accurately. The second are gist-like
memories, which are imprecise and ‘fuzzy’
representations of memory, hence the name.
The research around false memories is
still in its relative infancy in terms of fully
understanding how our memories are
encoded and decoded. Currently, scientists
are trying to evaluate how creating false
memories might play a role in treating
neurological degenerative conditions.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW
SIGNS OF A SORE LOSER
SIGNS
OF A
SORE
What makes winning more important
to some people than others, and how
can we learn to better accept loss?
WORDS AILSA HARVEY
I s there a family member you dread enduring significant physical pain. During particular skill, competitive activities can prove
playing games with? Someone competitions, when a player thinks they’re simple misfortune or a hierarchy of talent on
in your sports team who’s always on track for a win, dopamine, serotonin and a specific day. However, some people make
causing a scene? Maybe it’s yourself oxytocin are released in the brain. Humans the mistake of thinking their position on a
who finds it near impossible to have evolved to produce these feel-good leaderboard reflects their self-worth. This can be a
remain calm as defeat looms closer. Be chemicals when achieving first place as dangerous outlook for the individual’s self-esteem
it around a family board game, during a result of being descendants of hunter- and their immediate mood. Children should be
competitive sport or in the actions of famous gatherers who contended largely in life-or- taught that losing isn’t shameful. For someone to
political figures, it can be easy to spot a sore death situations. Mostly, those who were win, others need to lose, and this doesn’t mean
loser. But why do some people feel the urge emotionally hooked on winning survived they’re less than that person. Knowing that failure
to tip the Monopoly board while others just – and these traits continue today. But we can’t is bad is great for channelling determination, but
shrug off the outcome of becoming bankrupt win everything, can we? And in modern if this idea is ingrained too deeply it can
with equanimity? society we don’t often need to. Even so, be hard to accept the smallest
during those times when we are faced with examples of it.
Whether you accept losses or not, loss, some struggle more than others.
most can agree that it feels awesome to
come out on top, and for some it’s even Comparing winning and worth
possible to feel addicted to winning. That’s
because the brain rewards the body with Depending on whether you’re playing
hormones after success, while losing can a game of luck or challenging
produce similar neural activity to someone opponents in a
54 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
SIGNS OF A SORE LOSER
Resorting to cheating losing can produce similar
neural activity to enduring
When a sore loser notices that they are lowering significant physical pain
in the rankings, they may try to pull out all the
stops. Nothing will stop them winning, and reasons why the outcome is unfair. Even though anger and dismay that engulfs them as their loss © Getty Images / Rudall30
they’re prepared to do anything in their power the loser is aware of the lies they are telling, they is announced is impossible. This can be linked
to ensure this even if that involves unethical might even start to convince themselves to make back to evolutionary benefits, as channelling
play. The brain sends out stress signals after a them feel better. For the winner, being accused of this frustration helped our ancestors succeed.
loss, just as it does when detecting an injury. dishonesty can cause upset and taint their fairly After losing a hunt, for example, these feelings
This physical change tells the body to avoid won success. made them try harder until they were successful.
this situation reoccurring, and some may obey Fuelled by this passion, they could take more
this demand by cheating. Though it could The 2020 US presidential election saw this risks in their bid to redeem themselves to their
create trouble later on, this trickery is a response being broadcast during one of the most tribe, sometimes providing more than they
desperate attempt to bring the player back up important head-to-heads in politics. As Donald originally would have.
in the rankings and prevent the unwanted Trump declared Joe Biden’s win to be a miscount
negative feelings. of votes, the former president shone global focus Today, competitions are mostly recreational,
on his own bad sportsmanship. This public but acknowledging this can help to change our
Event withdrawal accusation showed the world how being a sore mentality. Take a moment to consider the true
loser also costs you your dignity. consequences of winning or losing. Winning
Giving up before the results are finalised is a feels essential now, but how will the result
sign of a sore loser who has just calculated their Mood change affect you tomorrow? Chances are, it won’t be as
unlikelihood of a win. The strategy, known significant then. This thought process can help
as loss aversion, may involve the participant Perhaps the biggest tell-tale of a sore loser is their you to gain perspective.
becoming increasingly angry beforehand. That’s attitude. For many people, controlling the flood of
because quitting is a last resort to ensure losing
doesn’t happen. Having tried desperately to
achieve the winning feeling they love, throwing
away this possibility doesn’t come easily.
How do you stop someone ruining games
this way? It’s best to show them the benefits of
losing. Calmly accepting loss and processing
key moments beforehand can teach valuable
lessons for the rematch.
Discrediting the winner
Someone else has won. Everyone competing is
aware of the result, but one person is busy listing
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 55
WHAT IS LOVE?
56 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
WHAT IS LOVE?
WHAT
IS
From biochemical addiction to
evolutionary perks, discover the science
behind our most powerful emotion
WORDS AILSA HARVEY
T he word ‘love’ is often thrown with the uncontrollable feelings of initial
around and associated with attraction to another person, our hearts can
almost anything we feel drawn get overstimulated. At the core of our being, it
to. Whether it is a person, an is one of the most obvious effects we notice.
object or an abstract idea, The heart has become the symbol of love,
you can love them all. But what does it dating back as far as the Middle Ages.
really mean to love? Films often feature
romantic love as part of the main plot. Its The first feeling we may associate with
unpredictability, intensity and power make being in love is usually euphoria, but from
for an exciting storyline – just as it does in the moment you discover an attraction to
reality. While fiction often plays with an someone to the latter stages of love, a range of
overly simplified, romanticised view of it, sensations take over. From compassion and
love is more than a fairy-tale dream. Love desire to obsession and anxiety, both positive
experienced in real life is a complex affair. and negative emotions can come into play.
Where in the body do you feel love? It can What makes this feeling even more
feel like it is taking over your entire being, and overwhelming is its uncontrollable factor.
most of your body does actually experience Love is felt subconsciously, to the extent
physical changes. Your heart is just one of the that some people who are in love don’t
impacted organs, but it is also the one that we even realise they are. But love doesn’t exist
romanticise the most. As we come to terms purely to add a touch of excitement to your
life. Your body responds to further meaning
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 57
WHAT IS LOVE?
relationships in order to keep the human is due to emotional strain being outside of -
race alive. comfortable levels. In some people who ADRENALINE
have experienced trauma, this fight-or-flight The heart-racer
Although less important in our modern function becomes overdeveloped, as their Released in the body to prepare
world of 7.8 billion people, when survival bodies are used to danger. Each individual’s you for ‘fight or flight’, this natural
was more of a priority before the dawn of brain needs to get used to rewarding the stimulant is responsible for the
civilisation, the human body evolved to keep body with the chemicals of love. From there, rapid heart rate you may develop.
reproduction levels high. The ability to form connections with other humans can grow Produced during times of
this intense connection and attachment to and be explored. excitement, it causes more blood to
another human being led to procreation flood to the heart.
and a parental team who were able to work What happens to our bodies?
happily together to protect their offspring and When we experience feelings of love, the -
ensure that they thrive. following hormones and chemicals get to OXYTOCIN
work in our bodies: The contentment creator
While the science behind love is intriguing This chemical establishes a deeper
to study, translating these reactions in the TESTOSTERONE connection. Skin-to-skin contact
body into feelings is likely different for each The male sex hormone causes the neurotransmitter to be
person based on their body and unique During lust, this hormone is found released and creates the close bond
experiences. Love has connotations of to be at high levels in males, while long-term partners share. This isn’t
eternal happiness, but not everyone is built during the latter stages levels are exclusive to romantic love, and is also
to manage these feelings. For two people to reduced to normal. This chemical, used to create a connection between
establish a trusting and growing relationship, which increases desire for parents and children.
being open to accepting love is essential. physical connection, is essential
In the early stages, the body becomes -
vulnerable as physical and chemical changes for reproduction. NORADRENALINE
induce a ‘fight-or-flight’ response. This The attention-setter
Similar to adrenaline, noradrenaline
gets the heart beating faster and
induces feelings of excitement.
However, it also increases your
attention on one person and
prioritises your short-term memory to
keep you living in the moment
through love.
-
VASOPRESSIN
The monogamy maker
Similar to oxytocin, vasopressin
establishes part of the attachment
phase. This particular chemical has
been linked to loyalty
between couples.
-
OESTROGEN
The female sex hormone
Produced by the ovaries as well as
the adrenal glands and fat cells,
oestrogen increases a woman’s desire
for physical contact during the lust
stage. Abnormally low levels of this
hormone can negatively impact
general mood.
-
DOPAMINE
The rewarder
This neurotransmitter is used by your
nervous system to send messages
through the body. When in love, this
chemical activates the reward circuit
and creates a sense of pleasure from
being in love.
-
SEROTONIN
The under-performer
During the attraction phase,
production of this chemical has been
shown to reduce. Creating a chemical
58 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
WHAT IS LOVE?
you will find yourself
attracted to those who
don’t smell like you
SNIFFING balance similar to someone with Cases of a broken heart
OUT THE Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Love can be the most uplifting
PERFECT (OCD), this could be the reason feeling, flooding the body with feel-good
PARTNER some people show obsessive chemicals and creating a strengthening
bond of trust and infatuation. While these
You might discover a lover qualities during love. feelings can emotionally connect two
based on initial visual attraction, - people, it still doesn’t change the fact that
their beaming personality that they are two independent bodies. Love can’t
ENDORPHINS be forced, and as many cases prove, it doesn’t
comes through during the first The painkillers always last.
conversation you share or maybe Released to create Heartbreak may be used to describe the
even through a recommendation a soothing feeling, emotional rollercoaster that is rejection, but
these are the body’s broken heart syndrome is much more than
from a mutual friend. However, natural painkillers. simply feeling low; it’s brought on by severe
what you may not have known During physical emotional trauma or a physical event of high
is that you are subconsciously contact with a loved intensity. While causes include some of the
analysing their genetic make-up. one, endorphins increase and downfalls of love, such as divorce, infidelity,
This might not be the first thing create a positive mood. Long-term the death of a loved one and serious
you grow to love about someone, relationships are thought to rely on arguments, the syndrome isn’t limited to love.
but your sense of smell creates When the body is exposed to these
an attraction to people with a this chemical. situations, an influx of stress hormones take
different immune system to your - over. These are thought to cause the heart’s
own. As an incredibly beneficial main arteries to constrict in size, reducing
evolutionary tool, our bodies aim PHENYLETHYLAMINE the flow of blood in the heart. The effects of
to partner up with someone with The love drug this usually include pain in the chest and
the potential to create offspring difficulty breathing, but in a small number of
with the best chance of survival. Released by the brain, this molecule cases this heartbreak can lead to death.
stimulates the entire central nervous
This is possible because a system. Naturally creating addictive Q&A
person’s unique smell is created
by the same sets of genes that properties similar to those found DR MICHAEL MERZENICH
make up their immune system, in the drug MDMA and coffee, this As a pioneering neuroscientist,
enabling us to detect differences chemical creates the initial, intense Dr Merzenich has been granted
close to 100 patents. Using five
in genes through scent. The feelings during lust. decades of research into brain
saying ‘opposites attract’ plasticity, he explains the brain’s
The science of monogamy
couldn’t be more applicable in key role during love.
this situation. While you may When we think of monogamous creatures,
not notice the subtle scents of Is love a real feeling, or a concept
everyone around you, your brain we tend to think of scarlet macaws or based on a series of strong feelings
does. More often than not, you in the brain?
will find yourself attracted to swans, although despite swans forming Love is the real convergence of powerful
those who don’t smell like you. neurological effects that distort your
monogamous bonds that last for many emotional balance in a wonderful form.
Our brains are designed to support that
years (sometimes for life), they have been progression to love, of course. That critical
progression to procreation and loyal
known to ‘divorce’. Of the 5,000 species of partner support is key to the survival of
mammal on the planet, between 3% and 5%
are monogamous. This statistic means that
species that remain faithful to only one mate
or partner are in the minority. So why do so
many of us fall in love for life?
We are not as monogamous as some
animals, such as geese, who may not mate
for the rest of their life if their partner were to
die. However, with a significant proportion of
our population looking to ‘find the one’, what
happens in our bodies to keep us going back
to the same person? Oxytocin, the hormone
often referred to as ‘the love hormone’, is
responsible for strengthening monogamous
relationships. Creating a bond to the person
you have connected romantically with, the
hormone is used to reward the brain. The
more intense response created makes any
interaction with that one person feel better
than interaction with anyone else.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 59
WHAT IS LOVE?
HOW DOES LOVE AFFECT THE BODY?
Love takes over our entire body, from the 3
chemicals in our head to the position of our toes
1 PUPIL DILATION 6 6 MENTAL HEALTH
1
When you like what you see, your pupils get wider Flooding the brain with an unfamiliar and complex
to allow more light in. This feature is part of the 7 combination of hormones and other chemicals, it comes
‘fight-or-flight’ response to help evaluate potential as no surprise that love alters aspects of our mental
threats. However, the love of your life often isn’t health. Possessing a strong connection to someone else
a threat, and this response is usually linked to the often enables people to manage stress, and can help
production of oxytocin and dopamine, which are reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression.
direct inducers of pupil dilation.
2 QUICKENING HEART 2 7 PHEROMONE FEELS
When you feel physically or emotionally 5 Unlike the majority of hormones your body
stressed, hormones called catecholamines 9 releases, pheromones are released outside the
are sent into the bloodstream. At the body. While you are secreting these chemicals,
beginning of a relationship, people often 4 produced in your sweat, saliva and urine, you
feel nervous excitement before seeing are also picking them up from other people.
their partner. In this higher emotional state, Detected in the nasal cavity, pheromones
the hormones released are responsible for can act as chemical messengers, making
increasing your heart rate and can cause your you attracted to someone nearby. It is this
senses to be on high alert. phenomenon that may explain some people’s
belief in love at first sight.
3 PAIN REDUCTION
8 SWEATY PALMS
Love is sometimes referred to as a drug,
as it can quite literally act as a painkiller. Through a combination of the hormones
When thinking of or spending time with noradrenaline and adrenaline, your palms
a loved one, changes occur in areas of can turn into a clammy mess in nervous
the brain that are impacted by morphine anticipation. Often you sweat when your body
and cocaine. These effects usually happen increases in temperature as evaporation works
during the early stages. to cool you down. In these cases, your veins get
larger. However, in the case of excitement or
4 EXPERIENCING nervousness your veins constrict, as no cooling
BUTTERFLIES process is required. The built-up emotional
stress that comes with seeing a love interest
Conjuring the romantic imagery of causes the body to prepare for a range of
eventualities. Sweaty hands can increase
delicate fluttery creatures, the saying ‘I’ve 8 friction, tactile sensitivity and skin toughness.
got butterflies’ refers to the connection
9 SYNCHRONISATION
between mind and stomach instigated
Observations of two people in love have shown
by love. Cranial nerves help link the brain that we subconsciously mimic those we are
attracted to. Whether we turn our feet to face them
to other areas of your body, and being the or mirror their body language, this demonstrates the
empathy and unity being created between two people,
longest of these, the vagus nerve connects to a little like a pair of dancers. In some cases couples in love
have even synchronised their breathing rates naturally by
the gut. To create this feeling, the nerve triggers being in each other’s presence.
involuntary contractions in the stomach, caused
by the brain’s chemical response to nervousness.
While it’s not entirely known what the main
purpose of this is as a survival mechanism, it could
be the body’s way of forcing out harmful toxins.
5 HORMONE PRODUCTION 10 10 LOWER BLOOD PRESSURE
Many of the hormones produced during love, while triggered High blood pressure can increase the chances of having a
by your brain, are produced by your adrenal glands. These heart attack or stroke, so you could think of love as a health
are then released into the blood and pumped around benefit. Although many see the early stages as particularly
your body in order to carry out their specific roles. During stressful at times, after falling in love people generally
different stages of love, the brain is sending high volumes of respond with less stress. Social bonds with a partner reduce
signals to these glands, keeping them busy. stress, and with this comes a lower blood pressure.
60 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
WHAT IS LOVE?
our social species. Love is more than lust or job. This use of ‘love’ explains neurological excitation is just about the most powerful
procreation. It’s also about stable bonding and attachment, but this is quite a different thing way that your brain can be engaged.
enduring attachments. from the love of another person, where
there are more physical and chemical Are some brains more susceptible
Through the brain’s reward process, factors in play. to love than others?
is all happiness capable of developing Sure. The machinery in the brain is
into love? That person has a rich array of ways to constantly developing. Its health and
‘Love’ is a sloppy word. I might ‘love’ football interact with me – by voice, touch and powers are a product of their historic use.
because I’ve seen my team have so many emotion – that reward and surprise me. It is We ‘exercise’ them as we live a hopefully
wonderful successes and celebrated them this combination that can excite me. And stimulating and rewarding life – and some
so cheerfully many times in my past. I have every kindness I deliver to them that they lives are a lot more positively stimulating
learned to associate football with rewarding. respond to also excites me through the than others. A person who has had a terribly
I may ‘love’ my garden or my pub or my same neurological processes. When two non-rewarding life will take longer to find
individuals do this well, that mutual co- themselves smitten. In addition, a kind and
generous person is exercising their brain in
THE 3 STAGES OF ways that help set them up for love.
FALLING IN LOVE
What do you find the most fascinating
LUST about the brain’s role in love? © Getty Images / Cienpies / Anastasia Usenko / Trigubova /
It’s all rather miraculous. And yet, it’s still all Vector Artist / Ekaterina Zirina / Olga Ubirailo / Grafissimo
During the lust phase, men and women release the hormones blood-and-guts biology. As a scientist, I’ve
testosterone and oestrogen. Oestrogen is released by women and been very interested in how our evolution
initiates a feeling of longing for physical closeness. Testosterone is of these processes can come at a price. The
produced by men, but females also produce it in smaller amounts. rewarding and stimulating processes can
This hormone, like oestrogen, increases sex drive and establishes the go awry, creating a major source of human
first stage of falling in love. At the beginning, the purpose is to have a suffering. Sometimes this can cause issues
physical relationship, rather than an emotional connection, which is yet with mental illness, addiction, criminality and
violence. How can a person both love and
to be built upon. beat their partner?
ATTRACTION We are a long way down the path to
answering questions like that one. We are
The second stage continues some of the feelings felt through lust, but working to evolve strategies for helping
incorporates more of the emotional impacts. You will know if you have individuals to drive their brain out of the
reached the second stage if you find your heart beating faster when kinds of ditches they can fall into – back to
around the person, you begin to feel nervous upon meeting them and the thriving, loving human mainstream.
you start to channel almost all of your attention on them. If you hear
someone refer to being in the ‘honeymoon phase’ or saying that they How much more is there to learn
have ‘caught feelings’, they are likely to be in this stage. This point in about love and the brain – do we
have it all sussed?
the process can instigate feelings of euphoria, but unfortunately it Like many things in brain science, we
usually only lasts for a matter of months. have a pretty good understanding of it
as a complex sequence of processes. We
ATTACHMENT can see it happening in the brain through
its major steps. At the same time, truly
As the relationship becomes more established, hormones responsible experiencing love is not the same as
for human bonding come into play. Oxytocin is the main hormone describing it through all of this organic
biology, and it comes in diverse forms. I
responsible for the differentiation in this final stage of falling in love. was very lucky to experience it as a young
Working to create a strong emotional attachment, this hormone man – in my case with a mate for life – then
is released along with dopamine – the hormone responsible for with our progeny and their progeny and
with my own parents. I have found love of
happiness. As you have continuous contact with one partner, the levels different sorts, such as with a beloved
of dopamine released alongside the oxytocin provide a sense of reward friend and a dog or two.
and keep couples returning back to the same person. This stage also At the
establishes a sense of security and a need to protect the other. beginning, the
purpose is to
have a physical
relationship
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 61
MAKE ME-TIME A MUST-DO
MAKE
A MUST-DO
Feeling frazzled? By making a small
amount of time for yourself, you’ll be
instantly refreshed – and happier
WORDS SHARON WALKER
W hen did you last We’re not
have time to meant to
yourself? When be doing and
‘mum’s taxi’ went thinking all
on strike? The of the time;
laundrette was off duty? The café you we’re not
run alongside your actual job shut machines
up shop? If that’s the sound of your
frazzled laugh, we’re not surprised.
But this is no laughing matter. Time to
unwind is “like fuel in the tank,” says
psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd. “You need
‘self-care’ to function at your best,” she adds.
“We’re not meant to be doing and thinking all
of the time; we’re not machines.”
Me-time isn’t sitting in a bath surrounded
by candles (although it can be). Self-care
means going for a walk, meeting a friend or
staying in bed; whatever you need to reboot.
“Tune in to how you feel and go with it,”
suggests life coach Jayne Morris. The key is
little and often.
Research shows that the resting brain is
anything but idle. Downtime gives us time
to process unresolved tensions and to gain
perspective. Most of us can’t simply down
62 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
MAKE ME-TIME A MUST-DO
DR JESSAMY HIBBERD me-time hack if you’re standing in a queue
Dr Hibberd is a psychologist and co- or on public transport. “Smell is a powerful
author of the This Book Will… series.
mood alchemist,” says psychologist
Suzy Reading.
-
TIP
Follow your hand massage with
a simple breathing exercise,
recommends Dr Hibberd. Breathe in
for the count of four, hold for five,
and out for six… and repeat.
JAYNE MORRISR 10 minutes
Carve out 10 minutes for yourself by
Jayne is a life coach and author turning any daily activity into a meditation,
of Burnout to Brilliance. whether that’s taking a shower or getting
ready for work. A simple shower can feel
SUZY READING like a full spa treatment if you immerse
yourself in the experience rather than
Suzy is a psychologist and author of worrying about to-do lists. Concentrate on
The Self-Care Revolution. the drops of water hitting your skin and
use a deliciously uplifting body scrub to
tools and nip off to a spa. But it is possible add extra zing. Reading suggests you can
to carve out time for yourself. Here’s how. turn getting dressed into an act of self-care
too. Forget grabbing a bunch of scrunched-
How to build your ‘me-time muscle’ up clothes from the back of your wardrobe
in one minute – instead, take ten minutes to lay out your
If you have one minute to spare at the bus outfit carefully, picking out colours that lift
stop or between work calls, put your phone your spirits.
on airplane mode and recharge with a hand
massage. Stash a tube of your favourite -
lotion in your handbag and grab a moment TIP
whenever you can. First, rub a few drops For a relaxing break, eat a square
into your hand to soften the skin. Use your of dark chocolate with a cup of hot
thumb to work into the fleshy heel of your tea – and don’t do anything else.
hand, palm side up, then flip your hand Focus on the taste, texture and
over and work into the web of tendons smell, relishing the experience –
between your thumb and fingers, moving and no multi-tasking! If you really
gently up and down to release tension. must do something, write a list of
Next, move on to the joint at the base of the experiences, relationships and
each finger, massaging all the way to the emotions you are grateful for.
tip. A hand massage is a really good stress-
buster for anyone who taps away on a 20 minutes
keyboard all day, but it’s also the perfect Perhaps you’re sitting on the train or waiting
for an appointment – now’s your chance to
master the art of savouring. This is a lovely
mind-wandering trick that Suzy Reading
recommends, where you simply start to
anticipate everything you’re looking forward
to, whether that’s a coffee with a friend, a
party or a holiday. You might also want to
dip in to your mental archives to unleash
some sunny memories. Researchers at
Southampton University found that the odd
detour down memory lane can significantly
lift your spirits, and those who wrote about
it’s the perfect
me-time hack if you’re
standing in a queue or
on public transport
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 63
MAKE ME-TIME A MUST-DO
Pick something that’s
special to you and will take
your mind off your worries
happy memories were happier after the shattered (another of Morris’s 40-winks A day
exercise than those who didn’t. But you Take a quiet moment, close your eyes and
don’t need a notebook to do this, as the tricks). “Just warn the teacher you’re taking
biggest mood spikes come by replaying focus inwards. Now ask yourself what would
happy memories in your head. “This kind of a rest, so they don’t worry there’s
nourishment is accessible anywhere, at any be the most beneficial way for you to spend
time,” says Reading. Focus on how positive something wrong,” she says. If you work
you felt at the time of the experience, rather your day. “Just see what comes,” says Morris.
than how it’s over now to stop the memories near a swimming pool, Morris recommends
from feeling too poignant. You might want to connect with a friend,
a dip as the most nurturing exercise.
- or if you’re always with people – as working
TIP “There’s an association with the womb,
Make a ‘happy times’ photo album. parents often are – solitude might be what
Try to think about what happened when all our needs were catered for, so
outside the frame, before and after you need. Dr Hibberd suggests planning a
the photograph was taken – research it feels very soothing.”
shows that this gives the most fun adventure, perhaps a day out to see a
uplifting effect. And share the album -
with the family and friends you were TIP new art exhibition or a trip to the seaside.
with. This will spark an opportunity Block out an hour before bed
to reminisce and boost the bond that to create a wind-down routine. Pick something that’s special to you and will
already exists between you. Log out from social media, have
a bath, listen to music or read. “I take your mind off your worries. You might
One hour write a list of the good things that
If you’re at home, or work for a forward- have happened,” says Dr Hibberd. want to use the time to reset your priorities.
thinking company, take a nap. That extra “It reminds you of what you have
40 winks will reduce anxiety, boost and helps you appreciate your life Morris recommends taking five Post-its and
concentration and increase your energy. instead of worrying about what you
You’ll also make wiser food choices, improve don’t have or haven’t achieved.” writing down the five things most important
your memory and think more clearly. Jayne
Morris recommends keeping a small pillow An afternoon to you, whether that’s work, friends, family
in your desk drawer (she used to bed down
in empty meeting rooms when she worked If you’re thinking you’ll use your free or hobbies. Put them in order of importance,
for the BBC), and setting an alarm so you
don’t ‘oversleep’. 15 minutes is best, afternoon to clear that email backlog – stop! then reorder according to the time you spend
according to sleep researcher Professor Jim
Horne; any longer and you could descend See a friend instead; it will be better for your on each. “People often find work is number
into deep sleep and wake up groggy. If you
can’t make this happen, move your body health and happiness. “Making time for one in terms of time, but that might be the
instead. Go for a walk or try a yoga class in
your lunch hour. You can always take a nap friends and family is an important part least important of their priorities,” says Morris.
in the back row of the class if you’re really
of self-care,” says Dr Hibberd. We’re social “This shows where things are out of whack
creatures and need relationships like we and you can spend some time thinking about
need air and water. Don’t want company? how you can change your situation.”
Go somewhere green – and take your shoes -
TIP
off. Yes, really. There’s nothing like walking Block this time out in your diary
and tell work and family that
barefoot on the grass to put a spring in your you’ll be out of reach except
for emergencies. That way
step, believes Morris. “The moment we put – hopefully – they’ll
think twice before
our feet on the earth we become more aware
disturbing you.
of our breath. The deeper we breathe, the
© Getty Images / Holaillustrations
clearer we can think.” And there’s science
to back this up. According to research at
Harvard Medical School, breathing deeply
helps re-oxygenate our cells, which in turn
regulates our hormones.
-
TIP
Too many worries running around in
your head? “Go to the cinema,” says
Dr Hibberd. “It’s virtually impossible
to do anything else at the same
time; you can properly switch off and
become absorbed in the film.”
64 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
FIND YOUR MANTRA
FIND YOUR
Focus your mind and learn how to
reverse negative thought patterns by
repeating powerful phrases
P ositive affirmations have WORDS ALI HORSFALL
the power to transform
your thinking. Mindfulness TRY THESE POWER
practitioner and author of PHRASES DURING
And Breathe… Sarah Rudell
Beach shows us how to make a mantra YOUR DAY
work for you.
MORNING AFFIRMATION
Words of wisdom ‘I’ll handle what today brings’
Mantras are words and phrases that can
focus your mind and reverse negative “When we get upset because things don’t go to plan, it’s often
thought patterns. “You can silently repeat because we weren’t aware of our plan in the first place,” says Sarah.
them in your head whenever you need Think about what you’re expecting today, so you can skilfully meet
them throughout the day, or say them
out loud if you find it helpful,” says Sarah. the moments that don’t deliver.
“Once you discover the mantras that most
resonate with you, write them down on a MIDDAY REMINDER
Post-it, or on your favourite stationery, and ‘I can do this’
put them where you’ll see them regularly
such as on a mirror or your fridge.” When things get tough during your day, repeat this mantra. “You’ve
done hard things before. Know that whatever it is you’re facing, you
Say it with ease already have everything you need to handle it,” Sarah explains. “You
When choosing an affirmation it should have your presence, your attention, and your breath. You’ve got this.”
feel comfortable and appropriate for the
internal thoughts that you want to quieten. EVENING MANTRA
‘I don’t need to be perfect’, ‘I will look for the ‘I did my best today’
good’, or ‘I will focus on what I can control’,
are good examples. “If a mantra doesn’t feel Use this mantra before bed. “Reflect on what was good,” says Sarah,
right to you,” says Sarah, “modify it.” “what was hard, and who you helped or who helped you.”
discover 65
the mantras
that resonate
with you
PSYCHOLOGY NOW
WHY DON’T WE PLAY MORE?
WHY DON’T
WE
MORE?
It’s time to embrace our inner child and bring more
playfulness into our lives! And in the process, give
our health and relationships a boost
WORDS JOSEPHINE HALL
M ost of us spent many PSYCHOLOGY NOW
hours playing as
children, whether it was
daydreaming on our own,
acting out scenes with
toys, or chasing each other during breaks at
school. We shrieked with laughter, covered
our eyes and counted to ten, created entire
imaginary worlds… and we often didn’t need
much instruction, or persuasion that play
was a worthwhile and necessary activity.
But as we grow up, we place less and
less importance on play. It starts to seem
silly, a waste of precious time, or maybe
even a little embarrassing.
However, in recent years, there seems
to have been a shift in thinking, with
adult play becoming more popular.
The video game industry, which has
adults in their 20s, 30s and 40s as
its primary consumers, has grown.
Role-playing games have also
increased in popularity, and game
conventions worldwide have reported
66
WHY DON’T WE PLAY MORE?
record attendance numbers. In 2007, Real HOW DOES PLAY
Escape Game was developed in Japan by PROMOTE LEARNING?
35-year-old Takao Kato and since then ‘escape
rooms’ – where teams of adults solve puzzles In 1964, Dr Marian Diamond, a pioneering scientist and educator who would
to escape a locked room within a time limit – go on to be considered one of the founders of modern neuroscience, and
have had increasing commercial success. In her colleagues, published an exciting paper about brain growth in rats. The
November 2019, there were estimated to be
more than 50,000 escape rooms worldwide. scientists separated pairs of rat siblings shortly after birth, placing one in an
exciting, toy-filled colony and the other in solitary confinement.
In a 2020 article for the British
Psychological Society, researcher and board They discovered that the rats raised in a playful environment had thicker
game designer Dave Neale wrote, “It has been cerebral cortices than the others. Subsequent research confirmed it – the rats
claimed that we are in a golden age for board raised in stimulating environments had bigger brains, and were able to find their
games. I would go further: we are in a golden way through mazes more quickly. In other words, they were more intelligent.
age of play for adults.” Ethical considerations prevent similar experiments on humans, but it seems likely
that our brains respond to play in similar ways. Some circumstantial evidence
What is ‘adult play’? suggests similar: Chinese and Japanese students are among the best achievers
Over the years, there have been many
attempts to define what play is, but there are in the world, and they take regular breaks every 50 minutes.
five characteristics that are widely agreed
upon. Author and research professor Dr can be characterised as play, or described Dr Stuart Brown is an author, psychiatrist,
Peter Gray explained in 2013, “An activity as playful, to the degree that it contains the doctor and founder of the National Institute
characteristics listed here: Play is activity for Play in the United States. He is reluctant
It starts that is self-chosen and self-directed; to define play, comparing the idea to over-
to seem silly, intrinsically motivated; guided by mental analysing a joke and taking the joy out of
a waste of rules; imaginative; and conducted in an it. Instead, in his 2010 book Play: How It
precious time, active, alert, but relatively non-stressed frame Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and
or maybe even of mind.” Invigorates the Soul, he asks the reader to
embarrassing
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 67
WHY DON’T WE PLAY MORE?
IDEAS TO TRY
consider what the world would be like without TRY A NEW SPORT
play: “It’s not just an absence of games or Give a new, fun, non-competitive sport a try. Pick something you
would have enjoyed as a child, which is difficult to take too seriously,
sports. Life without play is life without books, such as hula-hooping, rollerblading, rock-climbing, paddle-boarding,
without movies, art, music, jokes, dramatic skipping with a rope or jumping over makeshift hurdles. Yoga is
a form of exercise that encourages play, especially acro-yoga – a
stories. Imagine a world with no flirting, no day-
combination of yoga and acrobatics!
dreaming, no comedy, no irony.” He goes on to
EXPERIMENT WITH A THEME
compare play to oxygen, writing “…it’s all around
A themed night/day/hour could be a solo activity or something you
us, yet goes mostly unnoticed or unappreciated do with your partner, family or group of friends. Choose a theme,
such as a country or a time in history, and get into character. Pick the
until it is missing.” food you eat, the music you play, the clothes you wear, the activity
How do we play? you do, all according to the chosen theme.
In his TED Talk, Play is more than just fun, Dr DANCE
Brown outlines the five play archetypes that he Make a playlist of your favourite songs to dance to. If you’re unsure,
you could search in places like Spotify or YouTube to find dancing
has observed during his years of research: playlists, or ask a friend. Clear some space, dim the lights, close the
curtains or wear headphones if it’ll help you to switch off the outside
Rough-and-Tumble Play world. Then just let loose and go for it! Dance as if your life depends
Such as tug-of-war, scavenger hunts
or dodge ball. Through this form of on it and, most importantly, enjoy yourself!
play, we develop emotional regulation
as well as cognitive, emotional and GET ARTY
physical mastery. Encourage your inner child by engaging in creative play that involves
- self-expression. This could be drawing, painting or colouring in – the
end result is not what’s important, but the process itself. Collaging
Ritual Play
Activities or sports with set rules and can be a therapeutic activity. Use whatever you have around the
structures. It’s through these activities house, get cutting and sticking, and have some fun! Or get out and
about and take some photographs – you could even make a short
that people come together for a
common purpose or goal. film, or learn a new instrument.
-
Imaginative Play WALK BAREFOOT OUTSIDE
Colouring, storytelling, crafting or As kids, we didn’t think twice about running around without shoes.
even improvisation classes or stand- Barefoot walking has lots of proven mental and physical health
up comedy. Imaginative play is about
living out fantasies and honouring our benefits, and it encourages both mindfulness and playfulness. When
we are in a state of play, we are fully existing in the present, rather
instinctual creative nature. than worrying about the past or the future. Of course, sometimes
- it’s not safe or sanitary to do so. But if it is, throw off your shoes and
embrace any urges for ‘oohhs’ and ‘aahhs’ as your toes sink into the
Body Play
Dr Brown describes body play as “a feel of different textures and surfaces.
spontaneous desire to get ourselves
out of gravity.” It includes activities PSYCHOLOGY NOW
like hiking, yoga, snorkelling or even
just dancing around your home.
-
Object Play
This describes anything involving
manipulation of objects, building
or designing, such as playing
with Lego, building fortresses
or snowball fights.
68
WHY DON’T WE PLAY MORE?
The benefits of adult play there are steps we can take
to create more play time
Playing is widely credited as a vital part of
the Rights of the Child, but there’s not How can we insert more playfulness
children’s development, important for their an equivalent for adults. Although the
mainstream popularity of intentional adult into our lives?
general health and wellbeing. But we don’t play seems to be increasing, it can still be
seen as a luxury that many people feel they For most of us, there are simple steps we can
always realise how much these benefits don’t have the time, money or even right to
partake in. take to create more play time:
continue into adulthood. Here are just some
Also, as we gain more responsibilities and Give yourself permission
of the reasons play is good for us, at any age: life begins to feel more serious, we tend to Remember that play is important
become more self-conscious or afraid of
Reduces stress embarrassing ourselves. for our health and wellbeing.
The more stressful our lives become, Allow yourself to do it, in
the more crucial it is to make time At the 2008 Serious Play conference, some way, every day.
for play. It can release endorphins designer Tim Brown spoke about the -
powerful relationship between creative It’s all about perception
– the body’s natural chemicals – thinking and play. He began his talk by
that relieve pain, boost wellbeing, doing an exercise that Bob McKim, a You might need to change how you
promote happiness and relieve stress. creativity researcher, used to do with his think about play. Play could be
students. He asked them to draw the person
- who sat next to them, in just 30 seconds. something like talking to your dog
Stimulates creativity and There was a lot of laughter as Brown’s while cooking as if you’re presenting
audience showed each other their drawings, a cookery show, or making up a silly
general brain function as well as a lot of ‘I’m sorry’, which Brown said song while you shower each morning.
Play has been shown to improve happens every time this experiment is done
memory, stimulate the growth with adults. -
of the cerebral cortex and even Learn about your own play history
trigger the secretion of brain-derived With children, on the other hand, it’s a In his book Play, Dr Brown suggests
neurotrophic factor (BDNF), a different story: “If you try the same exercise that readers “mine [their past] for
substance essential for the growth with kids, they have no embarrassment at all,” play memories.” Think about what
of brain cells. Playing also increases Brown explains. “But as they learn to become you did for fun as a child, consider
our imagination, which helps us to adults, they become much more sensitive
create new things, learn new skills, to the opinions of others, and they lose that whether you did it alone or with
and problem solve. Just as young freedom… And in studies of kids playing, it’s others. How can you re-create
children learn best when playing, been shown time after time that kids who
feel secure, who are in a kind of trusted something similar today?
adults do too. environment – they’re the ones that feel most -
- free to play.”
Play with your loved ones
Improves social skills The same goes for adults. If somebody is Insert playfulness into your
and connection to others experiencing difficult living circumstances, interactions with your friends
Playing with others tends to be then taking time out to play could well feel and family, and in romantic
fun. It can also increase our levels impossible. Dr Stuart Brown spoke on the On relationships, and see how it changes
of empathy, trust, compassion and Being podcast in 2014, and described how how you feel about each other and
intimacy. It doesn’t have to be a play “emerges innately and spontaneously if your time together. If you have kids
specific activity – adopting the individual… is safe and well fed.” in your life, follow their lead! As Dr
a playful state of mind could Brown writes, “Play is the purest
help us to cooperate, break the Encouragingly, there are organisations such
ice with strangers, or maintain as Clowns Without Borders who bring their expression of love.”
playful performances and activities to places -
existing relationships. around the world where day-to-day life is a
- tremendous struggle, such as refugee camps Let play refresh your life
and crisis zones. We all deserve to forget about
Increases productivity and our work, responsibilities and
reduces burnout at work troubles for some time each day.
Google is well known for its inclusion Play can help us to do that. Follow
of play in the workplace. Plenty of your instincts and your curiosities,
wall space to doodle on, and even and let play insert a fresh sense of
staff play areas, help Google staff energy and wonder into your life.
to be more productive. Regularly
playing can help relieve the stress © Getty Images / Invincible_bulldog
of deadlines and other work-related
activities that cause tension.
-
Helps to keep us young
Play can boost energy levels and
even improve our resistance to
disease. As the playwright George
Bernard Shaw once said, “We don’t
stop playing because we grow old; we
grow old because we stop playing.”
Why don’t adults play?
The right to play for children is specifically
protected by the UN Convention on
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 69
I’m sorry ACHIEVING FORGIVENESS
FORGIVENESS
Closing doors on
our painful pasts
can open those
to the future
WORDS AILSA HARVEY
F orgiving someone isn’t an
acceptance of the person who
has wronged you, and doesn’t
have to mean that you’re
now okay with whatever has
happened. To forgive someone means you’re
simply crossing the line between being
stuck focused on the past and accepting the
present. You no longer want revenge, and the
negative feelings that you accumulated
in the aftermath are decreasing.
Forgiveness is accepting the fact that it
did happen, rather than torturing your brain
with thoughts of the alternatives. When you
are ready to move on and live in the moment,
you are ready to forgive.
This sounds much simpler than the
reality, especially when circumstances
can be complex and range in severity.
70 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
ACHIEVING FORGIVENESS
We might think we are ready to move on HOW TO FORGIVE
when our minds have actually just buried
the pain, ready for it to resurface later. If you have found it challenging to forgive those who mistreated
Human beings are sensitive creatures. Our you in the past, that doesn’t mean you can’t train yourself to
brains are complex machines, home to a
range of emotions, and each one is wired forgive. Psychologists often work with those desperate to leave
slightly differently. As it rapidly fires signals their painful pasts behind them and have discovered that those
in response to the events around you, who struggled beforehand were able to achieve forgiveness with
people quickly learn which actions bring some guidance. One of the main factors standing in the way of this
them happiness or flood them with dread. closure was overthinking. When the trauma is revisited regularly
Designed to protect your social wellbeing, and in a negative way, this is called rumination. Whether these are
emotions can keep you away from things angry, sad or anxious ruminations, they can continue to jeopardise
that have previously caused heartache, and mental wellbeing for as long as they persist. By keeping the neural
encourage you to strive for potential rewards. signals for negative emotions firing in the brain, there’s not enough
space between these thoughts for the forgiving process to develop.
Some of the most powerful emotions come The best way to enable forgiveness is to try to empathise with the
from betrayal and can have a lasting impact. perpetrator, as hard as it may seem. Only when you try to understand
The strength of the anger, upset and fear the true reasons and stop demonising the ‘enemy’ can you begin to
that traumatic events can have on us often
leaves our minds lacking the trust it may get clarity and attempt acceptance.
have once held in an individual. Knowing Negative emotions often can’t be controlled easily, so when they do
that someone has been the cause of the pain occur, acknowledging your feelings is the best step to take. Actively
that is affecting our daily life can leave our telling yourself ‘I feel angry’ will force you to remain aware of your
thoughts of them tinted with resentment. So feelings in order to learn from them. Almost like you’re an outsider
when should we try to let go of this blame? witnessing your thoughts, your psychological distancing will enable
How can we – and why should we – learn to
leave the past behind us? you to eventually regain some power over your mind.
The truth is there’s no quick fix, and forgive. Rather than focusing on the betrayal, smaller insular cortices have been found to © Getty Images / Lyubov Ivanova
beginning the act of forgiveness can’t be these people are more likely to dwell on the be more likely to be forgiving. This is part of
forced. You might be the type of person who positive aspects of that person. In a romantic the brain that is also responsible for providing
will firmly wedge a barrier between you and relationship, the victim might be inclined to feelings of disgust, indicating that those
an old friend for that one time they let your forgive their long-term partner as they think with a tendency of being easily offended
secret slip, or you may be able to forgive a they have more to lose if they don’t attempt may also struggle to forgive. If you find that
stranger who has committed a despicable to forgive. Those who have experienced a forgiveness doesn’t seem to come naturally
crime. Could you ever forgive someone who betrayal early on in a relationship might be to you and it’s starting to impact your quality
had taken the life of someone you love? For less willing to mend their connection. of life, there are mental health professionals
some people, it’s the only option if they are to who can advise you of the best steps to take.
move on. It’s a process that victims of crime Studies analysing the reasons behind It’s a process that takes time, but this time
are regularly offered through the criminal people’s reluctance to forgive show that most can be essential for healing. When your
justice system. Bringing the victim and the of the time they are avoiding coming across brain completes this process, the energy it
offender face to face can give closure to those as weak. This is a common misconception. once used to cause pain can now be utilised
who beforehand felt only resentment. It might feel like you are backing down from to keep moving past, through and most
your corner during what, in your head, is importantly forward.
Readiness to forgive varies based on the a fight for justice, but in actuality forgiving
mindset of the victim and the status of the someone takes much more power. Finding how can we
original relationship. Forgiving a serious and the mental strength to prevent the disloyalty and why should
personal crime usually takes more time, as it from taking over your thoughts also we learn to
presents sensitive consequences. However, empowers your mental health. Not only have leave the past
for smaller acts of offence, we are less likely you fought the challenge they presented, but behind us?
to need to forgive a stranger. As the person you have fought your own misplaced pride.
isn’t previously known to us, the event seems
less personal and can be quickly forgotten, It’s also crucial to acknowledge that even
but it’s more likely to play on the mind when though there are professional psychologists
it involves someone we have collected data and useful methods available to help you
on. Your brain knows your best friend well, catalyse the process of forgiveness, two
but this added bit of information taints your people’s brains won’t work identically in
overall view of them. To return to the feelings the same scenario. For example, those with
you previously held, you need to forgive and
erase this data anomaly.
Coming from someone who was so highly
regarded can make betrayals more painful.
How could they have done this? Are they the
person you originally thought they were?
For some, the closer the person is, and the
more serious their offence, the harder it can
be to forgive the intent behind it. For others,
though, this close bond is what helps them
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 71
BAD HABITS AND HOW TO BREAK THEM
AND
HOW
BREAKTO
THEM
Discover some
of the most
common repetitive
behaviours that can
lead you astray and
how to best break
the cycle
WORDS SCOTT DUTFIELD
W hat exactly is a ‘bad’
habit? We often
associate the term
with classic examples
such as biting the ends
of your nails, eating fast food or smoking.
While these can indeed be undesirable
behaviours, the scope of what can be classed
as a bad habit is vast. Defined merely as any
repetitive behaviour that has a negative or
detrimental effect on your life or health, bad
habits can manifest in a myriad of ways.
From fighting the urge to go to sleep just
so you can see what’s happening on social
media to heading to the beach without first
putting on sun protection, sometimes it’s
the bad habits we are unaware of that can
cause the most damage. However, there are
many simple ways to fight bad habits, even if
you’ve had them for many years. Ultimately,
understanding the underlying problems that
trigger them may be key to breaking them.
72 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
BAD HABITS AND HOW TO BREAK THEM
NAIL BITING
Gnawing at the ends of your nails, for a lot of people, manifests
in moments of anxiety, stress or simply as a bad habit. As
many as 30% of the population bite their nails, with teenagers
being the biggest perpetrators. It may seem like a harmless
habit, except for leaving your nail a little jagged, but by
continually chewing your nails, dirt and bacteria are being
transferred into your mouth, putting you at greater risk of
infections. Nailing biting is a habit that often develops as a
child, so tackling it at an early age can help prevent the long-
term effects.
In the past, preventing nail biting involved coating fingertips
with bitter- or sour-tasting foods. However, today there are
many nail-polish products that have the same effect. Creating
a physical barrier between the mouth and nail, such as gloves,
mittens or even a mouthguard, can also help to break the
habit. Maintaining short nails is also a method to alleviate the
problem, preventing the habit from being able to manifest.
For the more severe cases, known as onychophagia, nail
biting may have a connection to your mental health, such as
anxiety or depression. In these cases, cognitive behavioural
therapies can be explored to understand the emotional root of
the habit, and seek to remedy the underlying problems.
EATING TOO
QUICKLY
USING Sitting in front of a freshly delivered pizza or a gooey chocolate
SPECIAL brownie, it’s easy to get lost in the excitement of the flavour explosion
BITTER-TASTING that’s about to follow. However, for some people, it’s an experience
VARNISH TO TACKLE that’s over in a matter of moments. Not only bad dinner-party etiquette,
NAIL BITING CAN eating too quickly can be a bad habit that affects your health. Studies
HELP PEOPLE GET have shown that those who are quick to munch on a mouth-watering
OVER THIS BAD meal have a greater risk of obesity and developing metabolic
HABIT. syndrome, a group of conditions including heart disease and diabetes,
when compared to those who take their time to chow down.
To remedy rapid eating, the solution can be quite simple: slow down
and savour the flavour of your food. It’s believed that it takes around
20 minutes for the stomach to signal to the brain that it’s full. Therefore,
to make sure you’re giving your body enough time to catch up, spend
at least 20 minutes on each of your meals. This isn’t to say you have to
spend this amount of time continually eating at your usual speed, but
rather increasing the time spent on your usual portion size.
Cognitive behavioural therapies can be
explored to understand the emotional
root of the habit, and seek to remedy
the underlying problem
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 73
BAD HABITS AND HOW TO BREAK THEM
USING A CRACKING
STRESS BALL
MAY HELP TO KNUCKLES
PREVENT YOU
FROM CRACKING There is still a debate on whether cracking your knuckles
can be classed as a bad habit due to research suggesting
YOUR no connection between doing so and the development
of arthritis, as previously believed. However, there are still
KNUCKLES. concerns over potential injuries that can occur while self-
cracking. Overall, jerking your knuckles back and forth to
release the build-up of gas bubbles between your finger
joints may lead to the weakening of your grip or even
promote swelling.
Occupying your hands may offer some relief against the
compulsion to crack, for example squeezing a stress ball. It
has also been suggested that putting an elastic band around
your wrist, pulling it back and releasing it to snap against
your skin when you feel the need to crack may create a
negative association with the consumption and train you
to stop. This method can also be used with a range of bad
habits, such as nail biting.
SUCKING PICKING SCABS
YOUR THUMB
There can be something satisfying about finding a scab and
It’s a naturally occurring instinct to suck your thumb as a child, picking it straight off, especially when you’re a child. However,
typically dissipating as a habit after the age of five. However, many there is a good reason why your parents scolded you for doing
adults carry the behaviour into later life. It’s believed thumb sucking it. When the skin is cut or scraped, a scab develops to act as a
may release an endorphin rush, similar to that which occurs when protective barrier over the repairing skin beneath. By removing
infants breastfeed. Although it may provide a sense of comfort and this layer you increase the risk of infection and the time it will
relaxation to engage in this habit, it can cause problems in later life. take to heal. To break this bad habit, distraction may be key.
Often leading to the misalignment of your teeth or affecting the roof By preoccupying yourself with another task such as reading,
of your mouth, tackling this habit can be similar to that of nail biting. drawing or grabbing a fidget spinner you can offer relief from the
Covering your thumb with a glove or coating it in a bitter taste may compulsion to pick.
help to wean you away from this bad habit.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW
AROUND
ONE IN TEN
ADULTS
STILL SUCK
THEIR
THUMB.
74
BAD HABITS AND HOW TO BREAK THEM
One of the reasons smoking is so
difficult to give up is the experience of
daily triggers that make you want the
temporary relief a cigarette may provide
USING A
PHONE IN BED
We can all be guilty of scrolling through social media while
tucked up in bed. However, staring at your smartphone before
sleep can be a bad habit. The blue light emitted from your
phone has been found to suppress the production of night-
time hormone melatonin. As part of our body’s natural 24-hour
cycle, the setting of the sun signals that the time to sleep is near,
and so our bodies produce melatonin to relax the muscles
and dull the nervous system to ease us into a deep slumber.
However, the light emitted from our phone hijacks that signal
and delays melatonin production, resulting in a disturbed sleep
cycle. This can lead to tiredness and insomnia.
To prevent this bad habit from disturbing a good night’s
sleep, allow for one hour between updating your online profile
and hitting the hay. Of course, smartphones aren’t the only
perpetrator for interrupted sleep: tablets and TVs can have the
same effect. If the temptation to log on is too much, leave your
device in another room and use a digital alarm clock to keep
your schedule.
AROUND 1.1
BILLION PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD
SMOKE ACCORDING
THE WORLD HEALTH
ORGANIZATION.
SMOKING USING
YOUR PHONE
Arguably one of the worst routines to develop, smoking can lead to a BEFORE BED CAN
host of problems. A nicotine-fuelled addiction, smoking is more than a
bad habit – it’s been linked to several health concerns including cancer, LEAVE YOU
heart disease and respiratory conditions. FEELING TIRED
Unlike solving some bad habits, there isn’t one single way to quit THE NEXT
smoking. Tackling both addiction to nicotine and the behavioural MORNING.
practice of lighting a cigarette can be difficult. That being said, many
alternative products, such as patches and gums, have been proven to 75
satisfy the need for nicotine without ingesting the harmful chemicals
within a cigarette.
One of the reasons smoking is so difficult to give up is the experience
of daily triggers that make you want the temporary relief a cigarette
may provide. These triggers can include stress, anxiety, boredom and
socialising with other smokers. Addressing the root of the triggers may
also alleviate the craving to smoke.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW
MONEY BAD HABITS AND HOW TO BREAK THEM
WORRIES HAVE
BEEN LINKED WITH SLOUCHING AT
SEVERAL SERIOUS YOUR DESK
HEALTH CONCERNS,
WITH OVERSPENDING In a world where everyone is sitting in front of a computer or
BEING A LARGE smartphone for the majority of the day, it’s easy to find yourself
hunched over a keyboard. Poor posture can lead to back pain,
CULPRIT. circulation issues and fatigue.
To get you on the straight and narrow while seated at your
work desk, sit so your knees are parallel with your hips, and
raise your computer screen to your eye line with a straight back.
Making sure you have a chair with a supportive backrest will also
help to prevent you slouching forward. While you are hunched
over, tension builds between your back muscles and causes
discomfort. Taking time to get up and walk around will relieve
some of that tension.
OVERSPENDING GRINDING
YOUR TEETH
Financial stress can have serious health consequences, from
high blood pressure to depression, so spending outside your In moments of stress and anxiety, many people have adopted
means when you should be budgeting can have a bigger effect the habit of tightly clamping their jaws together and grinding
on your life than a low bank balance. Overspending is a bad their teeth. Aside from wearing down your teeth, this bad habit
habit that can be a tricky one to confront because the only can lead to headaches, jaw stiffness and even earache. In many
way to overcome it is with self-discipline. Creating and sticking cases, the person exhibiting this behaviour isn’t even aware
with a budget can help keep you in the black. In extreme they are doing it. Often occurring during sleep, night grinders
cases, overspending can lead to racking up large amounts of wake up with jaw pain and no recollection as to why.
debt. By freezing your credit cards, you may be able to nip the
problem in the bud before it gets out of control. To tackle teeth grinding, first addressing the root of the
problem may be the solution. Meditation, therapy and exercise
76 for the release of endorphins may help to keep your stress
and anxiety levels in check and in turn keep your teeth from
coming to blows. However, for the unconscious sufferers,
using a mouthguard while you sleep will help to prevent the
damaging effects of teeth grinding.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW
BAD HABITS AND HOW TO BREAK THEM
EATING FAST FOOD
The temptation to grab a juicy cheeseburger or a greasy bucket
of chicken can be hard to fight. And while having a cheeky fast
food meal every once in a while isn’t necessarily a ‘bad habit’,
when a server at your favourite burger joint knows your order
off by heart, it’s probably time for a change. It’s no surprise
that fast food can have negative effects on health when
eaten regularly. From heart disease to obesity and diabetes,
eating food filled with high levels of fat and sugar can wreak
havoc on your body.
A good way to help ditch a fast-food habit is to make sure you
don’t reach the point of feeling overly hungry. When ravenous,
junk food presents itself as a quick fix, meaning we are less likely
to take the time to make a home-cooked meal. By creating a
weekly plan, you can stay on top of your hunger and out of a
greasy spoon.
To prevent putting tasks off until the
last minute, set yourself a daily schedule,
listing six or so of the most important
things you need to achieve that day
PROCRASTINATION DON’T
LEAVE IT TO
Whether it’s washing the dishes, answering a work
email or writing that school essay that’s due tomorrow, THE LAST
procrastination is a bad habit that can affect many MINUTE – BEING
different aspects of your life. Other than the stress and PROACTIVE WITH A
anxiety caused by rushing to finish a task you’ve put off TASK WILL HELP
completing, procrastination can lead to you challenging
your self-worth, producing poor-quality or incorrect YOU IN THE
work, and fatigue. LONG RUN.
To prevent putting tasks off until the last minute, set
yourself a daily schedule, listing six or so of the most
important things you need to achieve that day. Also,
be realistic in what you can achieve in your given time
frame. Overreaching your goal or underestimating how
long a task will take might leave you challenging your
abilities, furthering your desire to put them off in the
future. It also doesn’t hurt to try out a reward system
for each task. By only doing your favourite things once
you’ve carried out a task, you might be more likely
to achieve your goals. You can also do some of these
simultaneously: play your favourite TV show while
you’re doing household chores like ironing, or eat your
favourite snack only while you do school work.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 77
BAD HABITS AND HOW TO BREAK THEM AROUND 1.3
BILLION TONS
WASTING FOOD OF FOOD MADE
FOR HUMAN
It’s difficult enough to break a bad habit when you’re CONSUMPTION
aware of it, but trying to change a habit that you didn’t IS WASTED OR LOST
know you had can be seriously challenging. In a world GLOBALLY EVERY
where sustainability is a hot topic, how we dispose of food SINGLE YEAR.
waste could reveal an unknown bad habit.
It often comes naturally to simply throw food into the
household waste bin without giving it a second thought.
In the UK alone, around seven million tons of food are
wasted each year. However, by purchasing a garden
composter for organic material, you can drastically reduce
the amount of waste you send to landfill, and your garden
will benefit from a nutritious fertiliser.
For those foodstuffs that are approaching their best
before date, many community apps such as Olio connect
local people to exchange and give away food rather than
disposing of it.
INTERRUPTING
Life is full of uncontrollable interruptions, whether it’s an
unexpected flat tyre or a nonsense marketing phone call. But
there is something particularly annoying about being interrupted
during a conversation. Cutting someone off mid-sentence is
something many people have been guilty of doing, but being a
repeat offender can be socially detrimental, particularly in the
workplace. Verbal interruptions can suggest that you regard what
you have to say as more important than what someone else is
saying. In the workplace, this behaviour may change; for example,
people are less likely to stop their boss mid-sentence.
If you are guilty of this, try to take a second before you speak
and let the other person finish. If what’s on the tip of your tongue
is a critical comment to the conversation and you’re worried you
might forget it, simply jot it down on a notepad and wait for the
right moment to speak without cutting anyone off.
SKIPPING
BREAKFAST
It might not seem like a bad habit to ditch the morning toast and
head straight to work, but repeatedly ignoring a critical meal of
the day can be a routine with negative consequences. There’s a
reason why they call it the most important meal of the day, and
that’s because it kick-starts your metabolism. Leaving it until later
in the day to chow down has been linked to health concerns
such as weight gain and blood-sugar fluctuations. To keep your
metabolism in check, make sure you grab a bite bright and early.
78 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
BAD HABITS AND HOW TO BREAK THEM
NOT USING HAVE THE
BEST OF BOTH
SUNSCREEN WORLDS AND
TAKE THE EXERCISE
If you love to bask in the sunlight during the summer months BIKE WITH YOU
but neglect to apply sunscreen in the hope of developing a
golden tan, you may be unwittingly exposing your skin to a WHEN YOU
whole host of future problems. Exposing unprotected skin to WATCH TV.
ultraviolet (UV) radiation can increase the risk of developing
skin cancer and promotes premature ageing. While sunbathing,
UV rays weaken the fibres in the skin that keep it smooth and
youthful, leaving skin wrinkled and leathery. The same can be
said of visiting sunbed salons. The UV radiation from a tanning
booth produces the same radiation found in the sun, presenting
the same risks.
To beat the burn and stay safe during the summer, always
carrying a travel-sized sunscreen in your bag is a great way to
make sure you have protection against the Sun with you at all
times. You can also harness the power of modern technology,
which has taken away most of the guesswork when it comes to
keeping an eye on the sun. Downloading apps such as UVLens
can notify you when the UV levels in your area are high and
when to apply sunscreen to avoid getting a burn.
A SUN TAN OR BEING A © Getty Images / Liana Monica Bordei / Filo / Vladwel / Sudowoodo / Treety / Maanas / Kenshi991 / Rawpixel / Ilyabolotov /
BURN IS THE Roi and Roi / Shtonado / Style-photography / Lanzaran / Olha_Kostiuk / Irina Shatilova / Yulia Sutyagina
BODY’S WAY OF COUCH POTATO
DEFENDING ITSELF
FROM HARMFUL Slumping across the sofa in front of the TV after a long day at work
RADIATION. or on a lazy Sunday afternoon might be considered by some as the
perfect ‘me time’ – the ideal way to chill out and unwind. Perhaps
for an hour or two a day that might be true, but what about for five
hours or even an entire day? Getting into the bad habit of spending
extended periods being sedentary increases the risk of depression
and obesity, and can even affect your personality, making you less
agreeable and conscientious.
Keeping an active routine and rigid TV schedule is the best way to
prevent becoming a couch potato. It’s recommended that you only
spend around two hours per day sitting watching TV, and at least
30 minutes exercising. Channel surfing or binge-watching the latest
Netflix show can be hard to resist, so only tune in to watch a specific
show and try to limit how many episodes you watch in a day. If you
just have to see how the series ends, take the treadmill or exercise
bike from the spare room, put it in the living room and exercise
while you watch.
Always carrying a travel-sized sunscreen
in your bag is a great way to make sure
you have protection against the Sun
with you at all times
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 79
THE POWER TO CHANGE
THE
POWER
TO
Willpower – some people seem to have bucketloads
while others are found wanting. But, we discover, goal
success is within reach of us all
WORDS SU KARNEY
L osing weight, giving up smoking, This helps us to achieve those goals that STACY MOORE
saving for a house deposit or require us to stick at something for a longer
just flossing your teeth. Big or amount of time.” Psychologist
small, when it comes to reaching
our goals in life, how many of us A basic level of self-control is innate in SARAH WHEELER
have lamented a lack of willpower? almost everything we do. But, more recently, Mindset coach
the concept of willpower has been causing a
But what is this power to exercise will over stir in the world of psychology. For a long time, LOUISE WESTRA
our decisions? Why are some people better at it was accepted that some people were simply Naturopath
inhibiting their impulses? And is it possible to better at self-discipline. However, a series of
gain more resolve? recent studies* suggests this may be a myth. PSYCHOLOGY NOW
“We understand willpower as that ability “When tested objectively, even people who
to block out short-term temptations and say they have really good willpower don’t
procrastination in order to achieve longer- show a difference compared with others,”
term, more meaningful goals – the goals we says Stacy.
really, truly want,” explains Stacy Moore,
psychologist and practice lead at Inner Let’s delve into the wonders of willpower…
Circles Psychology. “The responsive,
primitive part of the brain is satisfied by Block out
short-term goals of what it wants as opposed short-term
to what it needs. temptations
“We need willpower to activate the part of
our brain which controls decision-making,
rationalising, analysing and moral reasoning.
80
THE POWER TO CHANGE
1 Make it 5 Positive associations © Getty Images / Erhui1979
worthwhile Consider ways to make change as positive and pleasurable as possible. Sarah
Doing something because we suggests: Social support – enlist the help of friends and family. Discuss what *Saunders, B, Milyavskaya, M, Etz, A, Randles, D, &
‘should’ is not a recipe for success. you want to achieve and have weekly catch ups to keep you motivated and get Inzlicht, M. (2018). **Prochaska & DiClemente (1983)
Just knowing we ought to exercise through any blips; Rewards – when you reach a milestone, award yourself a treat,
more or drink less is not going to motivate us be it a pampering treatment, new clothes or a night out; Environment – the right setting will
long-term. So before setting a goal, ask yourself: make all the difference. If you’re dieting, choose a restaurant that serves tasty, healthy food,
is it worth it? Do you really want it? “Pick goals or exercise to music you enjoy.
that are in tune with your values and that you
think are important, as opposed to focusing 6 De-stress
on things society has told us we should do,” “When the body
advises Stacy. is stressed, the
adrenal glands
2 Little and often release cortisol.
Relying on willpower alone This inhibits the prefrontal
is draining. “We are creatures cortex – the willpower
of habit,” says leadership and centre that heavily
mindset coach Sarah Wheeler. influences the capacity for
“Making a big change or lots of changes at rational decision-making,”
once can be overwhelming. You’ll end up says Stacy. “So that leads to
exhausted from the effort and your willpower more risk-taking or comfort-
will wear out.” That’s when you fall victim to seeking behaviours. These
temptation. “Say you decide to exercise each choices are rewarded by our
morning. Then, when you wake up, your gym bodies releasing dopamine –
gear is in the wash and you can’t find your the ‘feel-good’ hormone – so
running shoes. Straight away, it feels difficult. effectively our bodies reward
But if you lay everything out the night before, us for making poor choices!”
suddenly the change is much easier.” By taking Naturopath Louise Westra
small steps and turning the changes into recommends a herbal
habits, you remove the need for willpower. supplement to combat stress.
“What you want is to not rely on willpower,” “Adaptogens like ginseng aid our
says Sarah. “The more you do things that make ability to adapt under pressure,”
you feel good, the more you want to do it.” she adds.
3 See the future
“When you set a goal, be specific.
For example, I want to run 5K
in three months’ time. How are
you going to feel when you get to
that point? How are you going to look?
Identify all the benefits,” says Sarah. “You’re
likely to have great energy and feel proud
of yourself. Linking your goals to positive
feelings and emotions makes it more real.
And when change does feel difficult, you
can focus on the end result. If the talk in
your head is negative, you will need much
more willpower.”
4 Acceptance
The Cycle of Change model**
tells us that relapse is a normal
consequence of change. So
if you slip up and give in to
temptation, don’t write it off as failure. “Guilt
and shame are the worst emotions to support
a building of our willpower,” says Stacy.
“Lingering on those times when you haven’t
shown willpower just helps your brain to
fixate more on the lack of you being able to
achieve it. It pushes the goal further into the
future and makes it less something that you
would associate yourself with.”
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 81
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
IT’SALL
How to recognise,
avoid and deal with
this most difficult
of psychological
disorders: narcissism
This story
gave the name
for absorbing
self-love
82
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
WORDS EDOARDO ALBERT
P oor Echo. Cursed by the cause to those who fall into their orbit. For will tend to see narcissism as a set of traits
goddess Juno, the talkative what distinguishes narcissism from other and their accompanying behaviours as, in
wood nymph became unable personality disorders is that the narcissist principle, no different from other people
to do anything apart from echo generally does not see anything wrong with with a particular collection of personality
the words of other people. Thus themself: quite the opposite. By definition, traits. However, psychologists looking at
blighted, Echo took to wandering the forests a narcissist regards themself as superior, narcissism from a clinical perspective tend
where she saw, in the distance, a party of as better, more gifted, more talented and to view it as a disorder and have developed
huntsmen and among them a youth of quite more worthy of approbation than anyone the accompanying diagnostic criteria to
extraordinary beauty, Narcissus. Smitten by else around them. So as far as the narcissist identify what is now labelled as narcissistic
Narcissus, Echo followed him through the is concerned, it’s not them who has got the personality disorder. Neither approach is
forest until the youth sensed her presence, problem, it’s everyone who can’t see how necessarily right; both indicate that we tend
calling out, “Who’s there?” The cursed nymph insanely talented and brilliant they are. to shape our ideas through the means we
could only reply with Narcissus’s own have of thinking about them – as the saying
words. But when Narcissus called for this Because I’m worth it goes, if all you have is a hammer, then
mysterious presence to come to him, Echo The Me Generation of the 1970s was everything starts looking like a nail.
echoed, running to embrace him only for the precursor for a general societal shift
Narcissus to reject her advances with scorn. from communitarian values to the more More of me
Heartbroken, Echo fled. Nemesis, the spirit of individualistic goals of the last half century, There is plenty to look for. On a cultural
retribution for hubris against the gods, seeing which have valued self-fulfilment and level, many of the traits that contribute
how Narcissus had treated Echo, determined personal ambition over other life goals. towards narcissism, which were once
to punish the handsome hunter. So one Various studies have highlighted the shift in thought of as boorish and ungentlemanly,
day, thirsty and alone in the wood, Nemesis language that has accompanied this, from are now held up as positive examples.
inspired Narcissus to drink from a pool of more songs being written in the first-person Contrast the sentiments behind older
water. Bending over the pool, Narcissus saw singular through to advertising geared sayings such as, ‘It’s not the winning, it’s
reflected in it the most beautiful creature towards suggesting that what matters is the the taking part that counts’, with the more
he had ever seen and, unaware that he individual. But all psychological research modern attitude exemplified by ‘Greed is
was staring at his own reflection, became agrees that a reasonable level of self-esteem good’. With the explosion of reality TV and
entranced. Unable to leave, the beautiful is necessary, indeed vital, for mental health Instagram lifestyle accounts, fame is now
youth slowly wasted away. Echo, still in love and wellbeing. So what sets the narcissist seen as a perfectly reasonable ambition
with Narcissus, also languished away, until apart from someone who is simply unusually in and of itself, without reference to any
only her voice remained. self-confident? The answer is that, as with any achievements, with the end result that
other personality trait, it’s a matter of degree. many well-known people are famous
This story, told by the Roman poet Ovid It also tends to depend on the psychological precisely for their fame rather than
in his Metamorphoses, gave us the name lens through which narcissism is viewed. If their accomplishments. This brave
for absorbing self-love. But it’s in the fate the psychologist is working as a researcher new world that is being created
of Echo, the spurned love, that we see the in personality and behaviour, then they in the meshing of
damage that the heirs of Narcissus can
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
technology and media has no place for the Narcissists have difficulty
modest or the unsung, whereas it rewards controlling their emotions
those who brag the loudest and the most
often. People are social creatures, and also gather more friends on social media, tag really a picture in any meaningful way of a
even as children we are acutely aware of themselves more often, and update more psychological disorder. To get to the root of
what society values – and these values are frequently, searching for the hit of that social- that view of narcissism, we have to look to
not necessarily those to which it pays lip media ‘like’. Having created a society that the experience and research of clinicians
service but those to which it aspires. So on rewards narcissistic traits, it’s no surprise that and their attempts to heal the damage
the one hand, we teach children at school we have more narcissistic people, including left in the wake of people with narcissistic
that everyone is valued and to take their those who take the traits to the extreme that personality disorder.
turn, while on the other hand we whip them is narcissistic personality disorder.
towards success in a hugely competitive Order or disorder
examination system and brandish before Me, me, me, me Within the lexicon of psychological disorders,
them images of glittering, perfect fame. It’s For a condition that has generated so much narcissistic personality disorder is listed as
not surprising that people soon realise attention recently, there is unfortunately still a Cluster B personality disorder, grouping
what our culture really values. As a substantial disagreement among researchers it with antisocial personality disorder,
counterpoint to narcissism, the recent shift in as to what narcissism is, let alone narcissistic borderline personality disorder and histrionic
culture to tackle diversity issues has created personality disorder. As mentioned above, personality disorder, as a condition where
new problems. There are some who view the definition of narcissism tends to mirror the person has difficulty controlling their
the fight for equality and the opportunities the approach of the researcher. The Five emotions. Narcissistic personality disorder
that are offered in an attempt to tackle Factor Model of personality developed is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical
discrimination as ‘privileges’ and, not by Robert McCrae and Paul Costa does Manual of Mental Disorders, the handbook
surprisingly, people have taken advantage exactly what it says and describes people’s of mental illnesses used by clinicians and
of this because they perceive it as bringing personalities in terms of five key measures: researchers around the world, with a list of
rewards; for example, academics who falsely openness to experience, conscientiousness, attendant symptoms required for a diagnosis
claim membership of ethnic minorities. extroversion/introversion, agreeableness, of narcissistic personality disorder. These
and neuroticism (in this model, a measure recognised symptoms are a grandiose sense
At the research level, various studies of emotional stability). Under this approach, of self-importance; a need for constant and
have shown an increase in narcissistic traits narcissists come out as disagreeable excessive admiration; being caught up with
and behaviours over the last few decades. extroverts, often charming and magnetic – fantasies of success, power, beauty, wealth or
Professor Jean Twenge found that between that’s the extroversion side – but perfectly perfect love; and a conviction that they are
the 1980s and 2007, the constellation willing to use other people as tools towards unique and special and should only associate
of personality traits that contribute to getting what they want. This is the picture with other people of similar brilliance or
narcissism rose among American college of the glib salesman, the successful con eminence. These symptoms have their
students as fast as obesity. More recent artist; and also of the eminent politician or basis firstly in an impairment of their sense
studies have shown that people in their the opera diva. It’s a portrait of larger-than- of self such that people with narcissistic
teens and 20s today value fame, money and life people who make a splash in the world personality disorder root their sense of
image over other, more communitarian goals. and don’t mind if the people around them self in the validation and approval of other
Research also indicates that social-media are drowned by their waves. But it’s not people and they set their goals in terms of
use facilitates and amplifies narcissistic what will gain them validation from other
tendencies: people who score more highly people. The other pole of the disorder lies
on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, a in impaired social relationships. People with
questionnaire measuring narcissistic traits, narcissistic personality disorder typically
lack empathy but are exquisitely tuned to
praise or criticism coming from other people,
and generally engage in shallow relationships
that exist to feed their own need for company
and approbation. For a clinical diagnosis of
narcissistic personality disorder, these traits
have to endure over a substantial period of
time, and occur in different situations and
with a wide range of people.
Suppose you can think of someone
displaying all these traits and characteristics.
Does this mean they have narcissistic
personality disorder? That’s where it gets
tricky. For every other disorder listed in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental
Disorders, a critical part of the diagnosis is the
level of distress and difficulty the condition
causes the person. For example, someone
with borderline personality disorder can
84 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
5 TYPES condition? The curious answer, according to
OF NARCISSIST most of the psychologists who have treated
people with the disorder, is a chronic lack
THE CLASSIC NARCISSIST of self-esteem. Or, to be more precise, the
extremely high self-esteem they display in
This is the one who ticks all the narcissist boxes: proud, arrogant, their behaviour and indeed in psychometric
charming, slick, vain. The salesman, the gambler, the one famous for tests serves to mask a very fragile sense of
their own self-worth. The narcissist’s idea of
being famous. Typical statement: “Don’t you know who I am?” themself becomes dependent on constantly
buttressing and reinforcing their constructed
THE MALIGNANT NARCISSIST self-image with an unending stream of
external validation. Imagine someone
Charming, scheming, exploitative, cunning: people exist to do what constantly having to get other people to fill
they want. The main difference with psychopathy is the psychopath in the foundations and walls of their home
really doesn’t care what anyone else thinks; the malignant narcissist still to stop it collapsing and you’ll have some
needs external validation. Typical statement: “You will suffer for this.” idea of why a narcissist never gets tired of
people saying good things about them. Under
THE VULNERABLE NARCISSIST the surface self-confidence, the structure is
constantly being eaten away and only the
This is the misunderstood genius, the touchy inventor, the spinner approbation of other people can maintain
of schemes that no one takes seriously, or the 50 year old who still it. Narcissists are generally difficult to feel
seriously believes it possible to win Pop Idol. Sometimes they internalise sympathy for, but this is one part of the
the anger at the lack of recognition, making them bitter and resentful. condition that does elicit some empathy: it
must be hard work, this never-ending labour
Typical statement: “Life’s not fair to people like me.” to ensure their psychological house of cards
does not collapse.
THE DO-GOOD NARCISSIST
Can you cure a narcissist?
Instagram and social media have been godsends to this sort of No. At least, not as a general rule,
narcissist, the preening hypocrite who does good for the approbation it although some therapists have achieved
brings rather than for the effects on others. Typical statements (all with improvements with some people with
narcissistic personality disorder. However,
hash tags): #savingtheplanet, #feelsgoodtogive. even in these cases the therapy has taken
years and the outcome is anecdotal. The
THE SEDUCTIVE NARCISSIST general failure to treat narcissistic personality
disorder is down to two factors. First,
This is the one who uses other people as sexual trophies, maintaining very few narcissists present themselves
their self-esteem by seduction. When on the hunt, they will make you to psychologists seeking a cure for their
feel the most special person in the world until their attention turns to disorder. If any should come seeking help,
it will most likely be for one of the
the next target. Typical statement: “Would I lie to you, babe?” comorbidities associated with narcissistic
personality disorder, such as substance
often become suicidal, have hallucinations the world to go along with their estimation abuse and bipolar disorder. The therapies
that border on the psychotic and chaotic, and of themselves, it will not cause them any attempted on people with narcissistic
have difficult relationships. To put it simply, profound distress or difficulties. So, can a personality disorder are generally the talking-
it’s not nice and few people with borderline constellation of traits and behaviours that, in based ones, but no studies have shown any
personality disorder don’t suffer great many cases, are not perceived by the person statistically significant positive, long-term
difficulties as a result of the condition. This with them as being problematic be accurately outcomes from them, and narcissists have
is not the case for people with narcissistic described as a disorder? Many clinicians and a very high rate of dropping out of therapy.
personality disorder. Because the root of researchers would argue that it cannot. Given that narcissists have, by definition, very
the condition lies in a distorted and inflated little insight into themselves and abnormally
sense of self-worth, the person with the The picture in the pool high self-esteem, the desire to change in
condition does not see anything wrong with What fascinates the narcissist about order for therapy to work is generally going to
themselves and, so long as they can convince themselves? What are the roots of the be absent.
The patterns of narcissistic behaviour
Whether we decide to label narcissism as a
disorder or a behaviour, it is incumbent on
the rest of us to be able to spot and then deal
with these sorts of behaviours. For while it is
true that narcissists rarely feel sorry about
what they do, the people affected by them
are often left bruised, hurt and angry. So let
us look in a bit more detail at how narcissists
cause such damage.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 85
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
Manipulation DEALING WITH
For narcissists, people are means NARCISSISTS
to their own ends. To achieve those
aims, they are perfectly willing to The best method of dealing with a narcissist, particularly one with
use whatever ploys and stratagems narcissistic personality disorder, is simply avoidance. But as it’s not always
they deem necessary to win since, possible to do this, the most important thing to bear in mind is not to go
for them, life is a game with winners into any sort of a relationship – be it romantic, business or familial – with
and losers and they always aim to a narcissist expecting that you will be the one to make them change. You
be the winner. Since narcissists also won’t. Instead, make sure that they do not define your world by their own
lack empathy, they might well use
all sorts of knowledge about people’s sense of themselves. You are not a satellite. Set boundaries but expect
past or their current circumstances, them to push back when you do so. That is the signal to be firm rather than
back down. Then, when the narcissist promises something – they are big on
verging upon blackmail, or lie promises – make sure they act on the promise: a delay will see the promise
or complain incessantly. Being
manipulated is likely to leave the relegated to the indefinite future, never to be kept.
person manipulated feeling stupid
very good at it and disinclined to denigrate that success, from
and taken advantage of. start telling the truth unless it suits mean gossip through to
- them. It’s not easy dealing with a
pathological liar, and having to do out-and-out efforts at sabotage.
Lack of empathy When a narcissist becomes jealous
It’s not necessarily the case that so will often leave someone hurt, of their spouse, then the full range of
narcissists don’t understand the mistrusting and feeling fooled.
effect that they have on people - jealous behaviours are
around them on an intellectual level, Projection likely to occur, from stalking up to
it’s just that, at a deep, emotional
level, they really don’t care. Some Since, by their own self-definition, physical violence.
narcissists don’t even get it on a a narcissist is without flaws, they -
cognitive level: they listen but they will often project flaws onto the
do not hear, they look but they Impertinence
do not see. The only people they people around them. So the Ever had someone tell you that red
are inclined to listen to are those narcissist will accuse a partner, a
rarefied beings they regard as being spouse, or a colleague of exhibiting really does not suit you? Or that
on their own level. If the narcissist’s the fears, flaws and problems that your business plan was stupid?
needs and desires are in conflict with they themself suffers from. The
yours, there’s no prizes for guessing classic example of this is a narcissist Narcissists will often offer
whose needs are going to come who is having an affair accusing their unsolicited and unlooked for
first. Being on the receiving end of a partner of flirting with someone else. advice and feedback – and it’s
narcissist’s empathetic emptiness is According to psychoanalytic theory, never generous and kind – and
likely to leave people feeling invisible projection is unconscious so one then, should the person advised
and unheard, like standing before a bridle, explain that they simply
possibility for the narcissists’ speak their mind. As a rule,
blank mirror. tendency to project their own narcissists have little time for
- behaviour on others is that at normal boundaries and will offer
some level they are aware of their advice, turn up unexpectedly and
Lying behaviour but their conscious mind is expect to be made welcome, or
Truth, to a narcissist, is a narrative unable to admit this knowledge so it make advances to subordinates
projects it onto other people. secure in their own position
designed to feed their need for
validation and, as such, bears very - of power.
little relationship to things like facts Jealousy -
and events. Lying is often second Since narcissists regard all that
is best as due to themselves and Gaslighting
nature to narcissists, who lie as themselves alone, seeing anyone In 1938, Patrick Hamilton’s play
readily as they tell the truth and else blessed with gifts, prosperity Gas Light debuted at the Richmond
generally just as glibly. However, or partners that they wish they Theatre, transferring to the Apollo
since experience has taught them had is likely to produce gnawing Theatre and then the Savoy Theatre
that lying works, they are usually feelings of jealousy. The success
of another is greeted by efforts to in 1939. In it, a manipulative
they will husband tries to convince his wife
that she is slowly going mad, in part
often project by dimming the titular gas lights
flaws onto in the house but then, when his
the people
around them
86 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
wife asks why they have dimmed, reports that no one else would HELP! Shutterstock / Delcarmat, Getty Images / BRO vector
denying that they are dimmer ever notice. But since it is so
unpredictable, it leads to everyone It’s not always possible to
than before. Following successful working with the narcissist walking walk away from a narcissist.
runs in London and New York, and on eggshells whenever they are In that case, you might need
two film adaptations, the term around him, ensuring that some help navigating the
‘gaslighting’ came to be adopted everything really is about him. relationship. In the UK, the Echo
for the deliberate manipulation of Society (www.theechosociety.
a target victim or group of victims -
into doubting their own perceptions, org.uk) and Narcissistic and
judgement and even sanity. Given Seeking validation Emotional Abuse (http://
that narcissists are glib and effective “You look great in that dress.”
“I do? Tell me more.” For the narcissisticandemotionalabuse.
liars, gaslighting becomes one narcissist, there can never be enough co.uk/) provide counselling and
of their most effective tools for compliments, likes, attention, fans, advice for those dealing with
manipulating other people, from or Instagram followers, since the damage. In the US, try The
the flat denial of something that validation is what feeds their Hotline (https://www.thehotline.
the other person knows happened insatiable need for self-esteem
to the subtle changing of rules and maintains their self-image. For org/resources/narcissism-
half-way through a conversation. narcissists, it’s their drug of choice and-abuse/) and Narcissist
Gaslighting is a form of control and anyone in a relationship with
and as such is often an element in a narcissist is put into the role of Abuse Support (https://
abusive relationships – and many supplying that need. The trouble is, narcissistabusesupport.com/).
relationships with narcissists involve there is never enough, and however In Australia, try Sane Australia
much praise you heap on one day,
some form of abuse. the narcissist will wake up the next (https://www.sane.org/) or
- needing just as much attention, Beyond Blue (https://www.
praise and flattery as the day before.
Controlling In work contexts, this often leads to beyondblue.org.au/).
As narcissists require an external narcissists surrounding themselves
world to validate their own idea with yes-men and flatterers. 87
of themselves, they will often go
to great lengths to control that -
external world and, in particular,
those nearest to them and their Shame
surroundings. A narcissist is likely to Shame is not guilt. Shame is
try to control every aspect of their what happens when you do
spouse’s appearance, particularly as something wrong, get caught out
that reflects on their presentation of and your wrongdoing is made
themself, and those with the means public. Guilt is when you do
will often demand their environment something wrong and realise
be ‘just so’ and nothing else – and that you have done it. Shame is
woe betide the gardener or the public, guilt intensely personal
cleaner who misses the weed or and often private. Narcissists
the spider’s web. Such tendencies can be shamed, since it involves
are difficult anywhere but may be the wider populace, upon
particularly difficult in a boss. whom they depend for
- approbation, holding back some
of that approbation, but they
Anger don’t feel guilt, as they don’t
For many narcissists, particularly generally recognise that they
for the self-consciously alpha have done anything wrong
males among them, rage is a in the first place. “I am
calculated instrument of their
domination of the people around sorry for the distress that
them. Particularly in a hierarchical this behaviour caused
organisation, the whispers about the team,” is a classic
the boss’s temper quickly gets narcissistic, shame-
around and the people surrounding
him – in this context, it is usually a related non-apology.
man – will run around frantically in That the language of
their efforts to ensure that nothing such non-apologies
happens that might set off one
of the boss’s tantrums. But what has become so
they don’t realise is that the key much more
to its effectiveness in controlling
other people is that the anger is common tells
unpredictable: it can boil up over us much about
the slightest thing, incidents and the growth in
narcissism in
contemporary
culture.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW
SURVIVAL OF THE KINDEST
OF THE
KINDEST
In a dog-eat-dog world
where animals battle
daily for survival,
how did kindness ever
evolve? What stops
selfishness from taking
over? And what are the
benefits of being kind?
WORDS LAURA MEARS
N ature is violent. In a world where
only the fittest survive, animals
must engage in deadly battles to
pass their selfish genes to the next
generation. But, there’s a wrinkle
in this tale of teeth and claws. Sometimes, it’s the
kindest that survive.
Biologically speaking, our primary goal as
animals is to maximise our evolutionary fitness –
our chances of passing on our genes to the next
generation. And, in theory, every act of kindness
comes at a cost. By putting the needs of others
above our own, we reduce our evolutionary ‘fitness’
and increase theirs.
Imagine a society where everyone is kind – if
you do something nice for someone, they’ll do
something nice for you. You sacrifice some of your
evolutionary fitness for them, but they pay you
back. The evolutionary scales are balanced.
What happens if someone cheats the
system? You do something
nice for them, but they do
nothing kind in return.
They improve their
88
SURVIVAL OF THE KINDEST
Kindness on your physiology. Your heart rate ANIMAL
makes us feel slows down, feel-good chemicals
good, even flood your system, and your outlook INSTINCTS
when no one on the world starts to change. Being
is looking kind is more than just a gift to those Cases of animals performing
around you – it changes your internal selfless acts suggest that the
own chances of success and leave you in chemistry, making you happier and trait of kindness isn’t exclusive
the dust. If evolution were governed by a healthier from the inside out. to humans. A famous example
simple balance sheet that pitted the selfish took place in the summer of
against the selfless, kindness would rapidly Load up on happy hormones 1996, when a three-year-old
disappear. Luckily, it’s not that simple. Every act of giving releases feel-good boy slid over the railings at
chemicals that change your physiology Brookfield Zoo, Illinois, tumbling
Better together for the better. Oxytocin is the body’s into a gorilla enclosure. The fall
The truth is, the evolutionary scales don’t most powerful chemical signal of social broke his arm and knocked him
operate on a purely individual basis. connection. Produced by the brain, it unconscious. But in an incredible
Families that are kind to each other have travels through the bloodstream and act of animal kindness, eight-
an evolutionary advantage. If your goal is floods every corner of the body. It has
to pass your genetic code on to the next antidepressant-like effects, boosting year-old Binti Jua came to
generation, being kind to your sister, who feelings of empathy, increasing trust, his aid. The 150-pound gorilla
shares your genes, helps to outweigh your suppressing fear, and making us more looped her arm around the
own evolutionary sacrifice. Unrelated groups generous. It also dampens the release boy’s waist and lifted him to
that are kind to each other also fare better. A of the stress hormone, cortisol, and even safety. She positioned herself
group of individuals who work together can seems to decrease inflammation, helping between the infant and six other
easily outcompete a group of individuals wounds to heal faster. adult gorillas, cradled him gently,
who care only for themselves. And, when we and delivered him to paramedics
cooperate, something magical happens – we Heal your neighbour
become more than the sum of our parts. Some acts of kindness have a health benefit waiting at the door to
for others, as well as for yourself. When her enclosure.
Human civilisation is built on kindness you put your hand on someone’s shoulder
among complete strangers. We work and gently stroke their forearm, you are counteract this with kindness. Research
together in groups to share favours on a doing something called ‘affective touch’. shows that wishing others well, even just
scale completely unmatched in the animal This soothing type of physical kindness in your head, can increase your sense of
kingdom. We divide tasks among individuals activates specific nerve fibres that respond connection. Thoughts of ‘loving kindness’
to achieve more than any one of us ever only to gentle stroking. These nerve fibres lower anxiety and boost happiness.
could alone. We’re kind to strangers, not trigger a release of opiates, the body’s natural
because we want something from them as morphine, relieving both physical and
an individual, but because we all benefit from emotional pain. Slow touches from people
the kindness of society as a whole. we trust tell us that we’re safe, and it’s going to
be okay.
Being kind is so important to our survival
that it’s become hard-wired. We might not Reduce everyday stress
repay every act of kindness immediately, but Helping others doesn’t make hard days
we feel guilt and shame when we don’t treat harder. In fact, on stressful days, making the
others well. When we see someone suffering, effort can make all the difference. Research
we feel their pain. When we stop to help, shows that even the tiniest acts of kindness
we’re rewarded with a rush of endorphins. can help to keep negative emotions at bay.
Kindness makes us feel good, even when Try something small, like holding open a
no one is looking, and this is the secret to door for someone.
humanity’s success.
Start a happiness spiral
You get what you give Research shows that counting kindnesses
When it comes to kindness, you get back is a simple way to get more happiness out of
almost as much as you put in, with every your day. Just bringing attention to kindness
altruistic action making you happier and in your life can instantly improve your
healthier than before. Pure kindness comes mood. Then, a little magic starts to happen.
from a place of selflessness. But whether you When we feel happy, we are more likely to
do a favour because you want something in be kind. And, when we are kind, we are more
return, or out of the goodness of your heart, likely to have positive social interactions.
you can’t help but reap the rewards. Every act This strengthens our social connections,
of kindness you perform has subtle effects which makes us happy, and the upward
cycle continues.
Feel more connected
Comparing yourself to others can lead
to feelings of disconnection, but you can
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 89
SURVIVAL OF THE KINDEST
Buffer a low mood return the favour. But kindness can also be Even the
We often judge ourselves more harshly its own reward. Even when we practise pure tiniest acts
than we judge others, amplifying feelings altruism, with no expectation of receiving of kindness
of isolation, loneliness and rejection. anything in return, we still get that same can help to
Replacing that judgement with self-care rush of dopamine. The feel-good chemical keep negative
and self-compassion is sometimes all it is a reward in itself, a ‘helper’s high’, and the emotions
takes to lift a low mood. Remember to be sensation can be addictive. at bay
kind to yourself, too.
Heal a broken heart
Relax and live longer The hormone surge generated by random
Being kind and sharing your time for the acts of kindness has the power to protect
benefit of others seems to reduce your your heart. Oxytocin acts on the heart and
risk of dying. The reasons for this aren’t blood vessels, lowering blood pressure,
completely clear, but one explanation is slowing the heart rate, and reducing
happiness: positive emotions make you inflammation. It might also be able to help a
healthier. Kindness makes people feel more broken heart to heal.
connected, and this affects the vagus nerve,
which controls the ‘rest’ modes of the heart, Relieve physical pain
lungs and guts. The vagus nerve also opposes According to brain-scan research, being kind
the ‘fight or flight’ response. Building social can numb physical pain. The parts of the
connections can help the vagus nerve to brain involved in pain-processing seem to dial
work better, taking the body out of threat down their activity when we act altruistically.
mode and back into rest mode. In the study, participants received small
electric shocks while researchers monitored
Help a whole community their brains. Not only did the volunteers feel
Receiving an act of kindness makes people less pain when they had done something
more likely to perform an act of kindness kind for someone else, but the effect also
themselves, triggering a chain reaction. Your scaled according to how kind they felt
kindness not only improves your own health, they had been. The kinder they were, the
but the health of everyone who chooses to less it hurt.
pass that kindness on.
Get high on helping
Kindness isn’t always selfless, and the brain’s
reward pathway knows it. It lights up when
we do something kind, because it knows
that when we help someone else, they often
© Getty Images / Treety / Cienpies
90 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
THE NEED TO PLEASE
THE
TO
PLEASE
Is fear the reason
behind our desire
to please everyone
all of the time?
WORDS TRISHA LEWIS
Y ou’re a confident, competent want to be thrown out into the wilderness. TRISHA LEWIS © Getty Images / Holaillustrations
individual – not a doormat! Abraham Maslow included ‘love and
But you keep over-giving belonging’ as a key need in his hierarchy set Trisha is a UK-based professional
and under-expressing for out in his 1943 paper, A Theory of Human communicator with a special interest in
fear of displeasing and Motivation. Through our need to be loved imposter syndrome, hosting workshops
disappointing. Have you fallen into the all- and belong, we can easily tip over into self- and building communities. As an actor,
too-human ‘people-pleaser’ trap? If so, how censoring and over-conforming.
do you climb back out and own your identity speaker and communication coach,
and ideas? First, you must identify your In 1952, Asch’s research on conformity she is passionate about spotting
people-pleaser habits, then start questioning included an experiment in which intelligent and sorting everything that blocks
why you might be behaving in this way. individuals gave answers they knew were confidence and connection.
incorrect to go along with the group. This
Those habits include: response was driven by a fear of rejection. WWWW.TRISHALEWIS.COM
Sticking with a social group The good news is, it’s perfectly possible to Trisha Lewis’s book, The
that does not suit. challenge this fear and step away from the Mystery of the Squashed Self,
- self-worth draining, frustrating people-pleaser will be available
habits. Start with these three steps: from 1 April 2021,
Saying ‘yes’ when you on Kindle and in
wanted to say ‘no’. Press pause and get forensic paperback form
- with your feelings. on Amazon (£9.49).
- People-pleasing
Attempting to be perfect is one of eight
in everything you do. Find ways of saying ‘no’ that give self-squashing
- you a feeling of being more in behaviours
control – in a nice way. investigated in
Going along with popular opinions – - her book, along
and strangling your own. Identify role models who are with an action
plan to unsquash.
Why do we do these things? The simple ‘unsquashed’ but not ‘unloved’! Look
answer is: fear. Now, there’s nothing wrong for strength and warmth combined.
with a healthy fear of snakes or heights,
but what kind of fear has turned you into a And remember, breaking the people-pleaser
people-pleaser? Fear of rejection. We don’t habit will not make you mean!
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 91
NO MAN IS AN ISLAND
NO
IS AN
ISLAND
Why men’s
mental health is
the silent crisis
of our times
WORDS EDOARDO ALBERT
W hile Tammy Wynette
sang in 1968 that it’s hard
to be a woman, statistics
suggest that the opposite
is the case: today, it’s men
who have it tough. To take a few statistics*: as
children, more boys die than girls, a disparity
that continues throughout life’s course so that
by the time people get to their 70s, there are
only 90 men for every 100 women. Female
centenarians outnumber their male counterparts
by four to one. According to the World Health
Organization, three times more men than women
are murdered each year, and many more men
die by suicide, drowning, falls, poisoning and
traffic incidents. Worldwide, men are twice as
likely to die by violence or through accidents
than women. In 2019, in England and Wales,
there were 5,691 suicides, of whom three quarters
were men. The figures for 2020 are unlikely to
be any better when they are released. Three
92 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
NO MAN IS AN ISLAND
quarters of the people who disappear are way to taming the savagery of Europe’s there are *Sources: ourworldindata.org; www.ons.gov.uk; www.homeless.org.uk;
men. Rough sleepers are 84% male. More martial class, it becomes commonplace to many areas www.menshealthforum.org.uk; www.mentalhealth.org.uk;
men are sectioned than women. The prison read about the most revered heroes shedding in which men https://mhfaengland.org; www.mind.org.uk
population is overwhelmingly male. Nearly tears. Thomas Malory’s Le Morte D’Arthur, are clearly
three times as many men than women the final medieval iteration of the legends of disadvantaged
get addicted to alcohol and three times as Camelot, is positively bathed in tears, Arthur
many report frequent drug use. Even among weeping when he has to wage war on his old effect on physical and mental health. What
children, boys are disadvantaged: they are friend, Lancelot (Lancelot had absconded were known as ‘nervous disorders’ (we would
performing worse than girls at every level of with the queen at the time); Gawain crying now call them mental health problems) were
education and are three times more likely to when Guinevere is sentenced to death for thought to result from more developed and
be expelled from school. adultery with Lancelot, not to mention the refined nervous systems – which were a
lamentation raised when Arthur is struck feature of culture and breeding. Thus, mental
But these statistics are seldom advertised down in his final battle against the usurper, health issues were actually a sign of high
in the media. Women’s achievements are Sir Mordred, and is taken across the waters to social status and therefore not something
celebrated more than ever now (and rightly the Isle of Avalon. to which any stigma was attached. Indeed,
so) and discrimination is still seen as causing reading the Romantic writers and poets of
great disadvantage to women, and while it’s But it was not just in medieval times that the era, such as Wordsworth, Coleridge,
important that these issues are addressed, even the manliest men were comfortable
the many areas in which men are clearly with displaying emotion. In the Georgian era
disadvantaged can be overlooked – from (1714-1830), a period that encompassed two
court sentencing and child custody through global conflicts in the Seven Years’ War and
to workplace fatalities (in the UK, 97% of these the Napoleonic Wars, masculinity was seen in
are male). Let’s take a closer look at a clear terms of virtue and wisdom while scientists
consequence of these discriminations: men’s realised that the recently discovered and
mental health. dissected nervous system had considerable
Rates of mental illness
All the mental health statistics suggest that
women are more affected by mental illness
than men. Around 20% of women in England
report a mental health issue compared with
12.5% of men. Since the new millennium, the
rates of mental illness among women have
increased while it is stable among men. So it
would seem, on the face of it, that men face
fewer difficulties from mental health than
women. However, the bald statistics are,
almost certainly, concealing more than they
are revealing. While there may be a biological
basis to the fact that women suffer from
anxiety and depression more than men, it
is also clear that men seek help for mental
problems less frequently and at a later stage
in their illness than women. The reason for
men having less recourse to medical help
appears to be based in history and culture.
When it was all right for men to cry
In today’s culture, it might be overstating
matters to say there is a masculine ideal –
toxic masculinity gets far more coverage.
However, what survives of our idea of
masculinity generally comprises elements of
independence, strength, power and provision:
a somewhat tongue-in-cheek representation
of the hunter pole of humanity’s ancient
hunter-gatherer division of labour. However,
the idea that men should be emotionally
continent is relatively recent, as reading of
the literature of the past swiftly reveals.
Even in the so-called Dark Ages (which
actually saw more real advances than all the
Roman Empire put together), tears of sorrow
and joy are shed freely in Beowulf. By the
Middle Ages, when the ideals of chivalry
and Christianity had gone some
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 93
NO MAN IS AN ISLAND
5 PRACTICAL STEPS issues. Numerous studies have shown that
TO MENTAL HEALTH men, as a group, tend to stigmatise those
with mental health problems, including
GET ACTIVE themselves, reporting thoughts such as, “A
man with depression should be able to snap
We were not made to sit on a sofa and watch TV. Few things are out of it.” But another aspect to this lack of
more immediately beneficial than getting up and going for a walk. help is that men simply present symptoms
of mental illness differently. A woman
GET NATURAL suffering from depression will typically go
to a doctor and report feelings of sadness,
And if you can make that walk somewhere with trees and vistas, in lack of energy and depression itself, pointing
nature rather than a city, then the benefit will increase: the sights, the doctor towards a diagnosis. Many men,
however, present psychosomatic symptoms,
sounds and smells of the natural world are all helpful. such as stomach aches, heart issues and
headaches, and go home with drugs to treat
GET DOING these symptoms but nothing for the root
cause. Similarly, many men with mental
A new hobby, particularly one that involves social activity, provides health problems will tend to treat themselves,
both new interests and, crucially, a marked road out of the social through drink or sometimes drugs, leading
to the significantly higher rates of alcoholism
isolation that is so crippling for so many men. and substance abuse among men.
GET SPORTY Changing ideas
Over recent years, many famous men,
Since exercise and companionship are both hugely helpful to mental including Prince William and Prince Harry,
health, then starting a new team game will tick both boxes: have spoken about their own difficulties
five-a-side football is a good place to start. with mental health. This is all part of a
campaign to remove some of the stigma
GET CONTROL that men have attached to admitting mental
health problems and finding help for them.
Financial worries are a major cause of stress for many men, so Movember, although concerned with all
getting on top of debt and other financial issues will serve to help. aspects of male health (it’s notable that while
there is a national breast cancer screening
Try the National Debtline (www.nationaldebtline.org). programme in the UK, there is nothing
Blake and Keats, it’s clear that emotion, masculinity. While the Victorian ideal also
imagination, sensibility and romance, in its praised virtue and restraint, the devolution
widest sense, were all seen as being part of of the 20th and 21st centuries has seen the
the mental furniture of the rounded male. images of masculinity portrayed in media
and advertising degenerate to laconic
Everything changed anti-heroes dealing out death: Clint
We might think we live in a world of rapid Eastwood’s ‘Man with No Name’ would
change today, but nothing matches the never have been a hero a century before.
scale, speed and intensity of the social, The rise of feminism in the second half
economic and cultural transformation of the of the 20th century and on into the 21st
Victorian era that followed the Romantics. has seen a backlash against these sorts of
Britain became the dominant world power; images only to replace them with men as
industrialisation saw the depopulation of the bumbling buffoons or deadbeats, needing
countryside; transport went from foot power a woman to sort them out. In this sort of
to steam power; and communication, with cultural environment, it’s hardly surprising
an effective and frequent post office, became that there is a crisis in masculinity, as
next day. With Britain needing to project reflected in the statistics mentioned above.
an image of power and control across the
globe, the image of the Victorian gentleman Getting help
– restrained, controlled and with the stiffest Men don’t seek help. This is one of the great
of upper lips – became the defining idea of difficulties in helping men with mental health
94 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
NO MAN IS AN ISLAND
men present symptoms of main drivers of mental health problems,
mental illness differently particularly suicide, these sheds provide a
vital lifeline for many men. However, more
comparable for prostate cancer although the that this reluctance is a result of cultural work is still needed to find ways to make © Getty Images / Jorm Sangsorn
number of cases each year are comparable), expectations placed upon men, this does over mental health provision into forms that
is also working to increase awareness of little to help those men, raised in that culture, are actually accessible for many men who
men’s mental health issues and to make it who do find it hard to talk. Moreover, there will otherwise continue having to fight these
acceptable to talk about them. Many sports are robust psychological findings indicating lonely battles alone.
stars have also come forward to talk about that men and women differ in the ease and
their struggles with mental health problems, nature of their use of vocal communication: HELP!
including cricketers such as Jonathan Trott for some men, it is much more difficult to
and Marcus Trescothick, boxers Tyson Fury talk about their feelings. Given that talking If you or a man you know is
and Frank Bruno, and Rugby World Cup about your feelings pretty well sums up suffering from mental health
winner Jonny Wilkinson. This outreach is counselling, it is not surprising that many problems, there are a range of
producing a tangible shift in the attitudes of men never seek help, preferring to soldier on organisations you can contact
many men towards seeking help for their in silence. However, recently some grass-roots for help and support. In the
mental health problems. initiatives have sprung up providing help and UK, CALM (Campaign against
support in a manner more conducive to male Living Miserably) works to
The treatment is the problem sensibilities. The Men’s Sheds movement help men who are struggling
However, another issue that is only recently does what it says, providing spaces where or considering suicide (www.
being broached with respect to the difficulties men, particularly older, more isolated thecalmzone.net) and Men’s
men face in accessing mental health care men, can find companionship Sheds UK (https://menssheds.
is the nature of the cure. The majority of in doing practical things org.uk/) provides space to do
treatments for mental health issues are together. Since practical things with other men.
variations on the many types of talk therapy loneliness is In Australia, there’s MensLine
devised over the last century, starting with one of the (https://mensline.org.au/),
psychoanalysis and culminating with the and in the United States try
huge range of counselling now available. Men’s Health Network (www.
But what if you don’t like talking? And in menshealthnetwork.org/).
particular, what if you don’t like talking about
your feelings? While it’s all very well to say
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 95
I WANT TO BREAK FREE
I WANT
TO
FREE
How can unlocking the power
of your mind help unlock
these puzzle rooms?
WORDS AILSA HARVEY
Y our time starts… now. Trapped It might not be a life or death situation, but
in a locked room with just 60 the unfamiliar surroundings and growing
minutes ticking down on the intensity could convince you otherwise. It
clock, where do you begin is this realistic urgency that gets you and
in the search for freedom? your team springing into action in a problem-
solving frenzy.
This is an escape room – a live-action
game that puts your actions in charge of the
outcome. The clues are all around you. You
just need to know where to look. Taking on
the room puts your brain to the test as you
battle against the time pressure, confinement
and puzzles of ranging complexity. A good
team will be able to work well together,
understanding each other’s strengths
and weaknesses and using them to their
advantage. These unique missions give
players the opportunity to be the heroes
of the event. Everybody goes in to these
rooms hopeful that their team will be
leaving triumphant, but in reality many
succumb to the psychological challenges
that come with the desperation to escape
and beat the challenge.
Being locked in a room may seem like
an unusual recreational activity choice, so
what is it about this experience that gives
us such a thrill? Forced to think quickly,
96 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
I WANT TO BREAK FREE
The whole group’s mood can be lifted, even in those
group’s mood
can be lifted, who fail.
even in those
who fail Clues don’t always rely on a sharp eye.
teams usually keep bouncing ideas off each With thousands of escape rooms multiplying
other as they pace around the limited space.
This movement in the body and brain has around the world, escape-room managers are
been shown to create a similar effect to
going for a walk, as it releases the happy finding new ways to engage players. Many
hormone, dopamine. Combined with the
adrenaline released during an intense race involve a range of sensory clues, stimulation
against time, the energy can be contagious.
As it passes through the team, the whole that helps to awaken the body and keep
TIPS FOR different pathways in the brain active.
BEATING THE ROOM
Above all, escape rooms provide an area to
BE COMPREHENSIVE
get to know friends or coworkers better. You
It’s easy to focus on the biggest and most obvious items in front of us,
but in an escape room the answers won’t be handed to you. Search may even be playing along with strangers.
the room thoroughly, taking care to check bookshelves and pockets,
Finding out how other people’s brains work,
or even for potential secret compartments.
learning from each other and working as a
KEEP THE WHOLE TEAM AWARE
team to achieve a common goal can give
Clues will fit together, but if two members of your group are keeping
their findings to themselves, it’s impossible to discover the answers. people a sense of purpose, build relationships
The difference between winning and losing is often how quickly items
and hopefully leave people walking away
are matched by team members.
filled with pride and accomplishment.
REMEMBER TO SPREAD OUT
Conquering common puzzles
If everyone groups around the same puzzle, progress is much more
limited. Some people make the mistake of spectating any interesting What types of puzzles are found in these rooms?
advancements when there is more that needs to be done. The more
Numerical
tasks that are being worked on, the quicker the escape will be. Numerical clues are not always
found in a straightforward equation.
ORGANISATION IS KEY Sometimes the hardest part of a
numerical puzzle is finding the puzzle
The brain works better on puzzles when it can see all the elements itself. One example of these puzzles
it’s working with. Keep all related objects in one place so they are involves equations using colours,
for example (red + green - yellow)
easy to find and process. x orange. The only way for this to
work is to find these colour clues
around the room and figure out what
numbers the colours correspond to.
Whether they are real items or a
decorative picture, search for items
and clues that pair up.
-
Dexterous
This is a puzzle designed for someone
with skilful control, balance, and
the ability to multitask and plan
ahead. Defined by their intricate
pathways and
confusing networks,
maze boards are
a common find
in escape rooms.
Sometimes larger
versions require
four people to
take a corner and
remain steady in times
of stress. A key is usually
found at the centre, and
when the team successfully
reaches the maze’s core,
they unlock a new aspect
of the room.
-
Logical
Some of the most frustrating
puzzles can test your logic
rather than your knowledge.
Forcing you to envisage words’
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 97
I WANT TO BREAK FREE
Your eyes can be tricked
into not seeing words
ESCAPE ROOMS
AROUND THE WORLD
usages and meanings in new ways, Would you be able to beat them all?
riddles trip a lot of people up in
LOCKIN
escape rooms. The two main types
are enigma riddles, which are likely Manchester, England
to be metaphorical; or conundrums, Not only is this an escape mission, but an attempt to find the president’s
which test your wordplay ability. son. In other rooms, a sense of urgency is created by handcuffing two
The beauty of escape rooms is the team members to a cell. The escape rooms at Lockin help players to live
high likelihood that the answer is in
the room. Working backwards could the situation in an environment between real life and virtual reality.
help you out, so keep a look out for
objects that could fit – or, if you’ve THE ESCAPE GAME
found a series of letters, what words
17 US cities
do they make? With a range of themes, this escape room immerses you in realistic
-
settings, from escaping dingy prisons to navigating high-tech
Visual spaceships. For the most recent rooms, all your senses need to be ready,
Paying attention to every detail
is crucial. But once you’ve seen as some clues need to be sniffed out.
everything, take time to look again.
Observe the surroundings of the PALACE GAMES
room in new ways, because you never
know where clues might be hidden. California, US
Optical illusions are the perfect way Palace Games offers you the chance to go against the original escape
to hide the answers right in front artist, Harry Houdini. Designed by the man himself in 1915, The Great
of the players’ eyes. Your eyes can
sometimes be tricked into not seeing Houdini Escape Room lets you take on the ultimate challenge of
words if they are hidden in the cracking the legendary artist’s own puzzles.
spaces of a picture or blend into a
SHERLOCKED
similar background.
- Amsterdam, Netherlands
Here there are two opposing experiences to choose from. Do you want
Combinational to escape or break in? In ‘The Architect’, you have 60 minutes to uncover
Once you have rushed around the world’s most powerful secrets, while in ‘The Vault’ you work your way
the room trying to answer all the
puzzles, you may be left with into a secret safe.
multiple answers. Items such as
padlocks can be ideal for putting the ESCAPOLOGY
98 Worldwide
The wide range of challenge choices in more than 50 locations around
the world makes this one of the most rapidly growing franchises.
Whether it’s the Scooby Doo theme or the high-difficulty submarine
escape, its huge range tries to capture the imagination of everyone.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW
I WANT TO BREAK FREE
findings together and progressing - -
to the next stage. Make sure you try Selective perception Worker
You’ve got an inkling of where the To cover all ground, teams need
all combinations. If it still doesn’t clues are taking you and you’re someone who has the patience to
open, it may be time to revisit the determined to find other clues that cover the painstaking tasks of looking
follow the same path. This is called through all the books or sorting all
numerical puzzles again. selective perception and might cause the puzzle pieces.
you to overlook other vital and
The science of escape -
unexpected clues. Thinker
How does the mind cope with code cracking? - The natural puzzler of the group puts
their brains to good use as the main
Hard-easy effect Survival mode thinker. Slotting together the pieces
With the pressure of escape, your Some escape rooms go to greater found by other members, they focus
mind may work to overcomplicate lengths to immerse you in the story a lot of their attention on cracking
the puzzles. Your team might miss than others. In the more believable the codes.
the obvious answers by looking for examples, you can begin to convince
yourself of the need to escape. When -
something more abstract. the body is flooded with adrenaline, Leaper
- it can focus the brain and help it The logic leaper won’t follow the
average cognitive paths. Coming
Forward planning perform quicker. up with the abstract ideas, they are
We often think into the future, there to think outside the box. A
planning the next steps ahead. In Making the team lot of the time, they will be wrong,
these rooms, events can quickly but when others are stumped their
steer away from what we thought we What are the best roles to assign to each imaginative ideas can pay off.
were working towards. The brain is
member in order to succeed? -
forced to act fast to modify Challenger
planned behaviour. Leader It may feel like the challenger
- This person is usually the extrovert is against you, but they are essential
of the group. Good at guiding the in reasoning with, and rethinking,
Thinking outside the box team and keeping the group on track, ideas. They help to sort the ridiculous
Getting the job done is easier to do they oversee the entire team and from the possible, and fine-tune
when you know what you’re doing. the plan.
general progress.
The challenge of escape rooms is -
accessing new areas of the brain. By
encouraging the creative problem- Finder
solving aspects of our minds, players There will nearly always be someone
are not just finding the answers, but with a keen eye who is best at finding
discovering what they are answering.
new clues and information. They
- might not know what they mean, but
Stressing out
The brain’s stress hormone, cortisol, they will be first to spot hints.
can be released in these high-
intensity situations. Affecting © Getty Images / Invincible_bulldog
performance, this stress is not ideal
for problem solving, and can lead to
impulse actions and poor memory.
-
Information storage
While clues and answers are
dispersed around the room, they are
likely to come together in the end. In
order to solve the steps, players must
keep each finding in the back of their
mind. You never know when links
between them will need to be made.
-
Availability heuristic
Time is of the essence in escape
rooms. Because you are required to
think of solutions quickly, the brain
may take a mental shortcut. In a
strategy called availability heuristic,
your brain chooses information that
you can think of quickly. Escape
rooms have undertaken much
planning to present new challenges,
and this potential solution will more
often than not be the answer.
PSYCHOLOGY NOW 99
INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANTI-VAXXERS
100 PSYCHOLOGY NOW
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