Psychology Now Vol3 2022 Revised

INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANTI-VAXXERS

OFANTI-
VAXXERS

What drives smart,
well-educated people to reject

evidence-based medicine?

WORDS LAURA MEARS

V accinations have saved Why are educated individuals rejecting the
millions of lives over the last evidence? Science communicators tend to
200 years, but in the past operate on the principle that people reject
decade uptake has dropped facts because they don’t understand them.
and outbreaks of infectious But research shows that people who delay or
diseases have risen. Safety fears and distrust avoid vaccinations are no less educated and
in authority are driving an anti-vaccination no less well-read than their vaccine-accepting
movement that’s spreading like wildfire on counterparts. In fact, studies have shown that
social media, threatening to plunge the planet explaining vaccination evidence clearly to
back into the dark ages of death and disease. anti-vaxxers just doesn’t work – it can actually
have the opposite effect, increasing their
A December 2020 survey revealed that scepticism and lowering their intention to
one in seven people in the UK believe that vaccinate their children.
the real purpose of the COVID-19 vaccine is
to “track and control” the population. Almost This is because people don’t form opinions
half had concerns that the jab could cause based on evidence; they form opinions
infertility or autism. Scientists have been and then gather evidence that supports
quick to refute such claims, offering evidence them. It’s called ‘motivated reasoning’. Once
to prove that vaccinations are safe and opinions are set, people become much more
effective. But their words and graphs do little likely to accept information that reinforces
to assuage people’s fears. those opinions, a phenomenon known as

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 101

INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANTI-VAXXERS

confirmation bias. Neither is intentional, yet to form a negative opinion of vaccination in Anti-vaxx
the result is that people subconsciously reject the first place. content can
information that disagrees with their existing be incredibly
beliefs, no matter how logical or convincing Conspiracy theorists powerful and
that information is. Believing in conspiracy theories is the lucrative
biggest predictor of anti-vaccination ideology.
Rather than asking why some people reject Someone who believes that the British state for example, might reject vaccines because
scientific evidence, psychologists think we played a role in the death of Princess Diana, they don’t trust the government.
should focus instead on what drives people
According to psychologists at the
THE TRUTH BEHIND University of Kent, this kind of thinking has
THE TALES three main motivators: epistemic, existential
and social. The epistemic motivator is the
One of the reasons anti-vaccination messaging is so compelling is desire to understand events happening
that it often contains a grain – or more – of truth. around us; the existential motivator is the
need to feel safe and in control; and the social
VACCINES CAUSE AUTISM motivator is the desire to fit in.

In 1998, former doctor Andrew Wakefield published a paper in Some conspiracy theorists are
respected science journal The Lancet claiming that the measles, nonconformists who prefer to go against the
mumps and rubella (MMR) triple vaccine caused autism. It later grain, but many are simply seeking the truth.
emerged that his research was fraudulent. The paper was duly Conspiracy theories provide explanations
retracted and Mr Wakefield was struck off the medical register. when the world fails to make sense, tying
random events together and providing
VACCINES ARE DANGEROUS certainty when the world feels dangerous.

In 2020, two of the first healthcare workers to receive the Pfizer/ Not all anti-vaxxers are conspiracy
BioNTech coronavirus vaccine in the UK had allergic reactions, but theorists, though. In fact, there are many
both had a history of serious allergies. All vaccines carry a risk of other traits that predispose people to
vaccine hesitancy. For example, research
allergic reaction, but it’s very small – around 1 in 760,000. That’s in the United States shows that support for
smaller than the risk of being struck by lightning (1 in 700,000) and vaccines decreases as support for free market
economics increases. People who put great
much smaller than the risk of dying of COVID-19 (1 in 1,000). value on liberty and individualism might
reject vaccinations on the grounds that it’s an
VACCINES CONTAIN FOETUSES infringement of their right to choose.

It is true that the development of some vaccines involves human stem A strong disgust response, especially
cells. Some of those stem cells originally come from aborted human around needles, blood and disease, can
foetuses, but their cells are never present in the finished vaccine, and also prime people to reject vaccines, as can
no human foetuses are ever harmed specifically to make vaccines. personal moral values. This is especially true
when it comes to the HPV vaccine, which
Human stem cells are immortal – they can continue reproducing protects women and girls against the sexually
forever. The cells used today are descended from cells originally transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer.

gathered in the 1960s. Intuition vs evidence
Predispositions to anti-vaxx beliefs are no
VACCINES CONTAIN MICROCHIPS guarantee that people will turn down an
opportunity to protect themselves, their
The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation funds research into invisible, children or their communities from disease.
light-emitting particles called quantum dots. The idea is to inject For anti-vaccination sentiment to flourish,
them into the skin in patterns, leaving a trace that doctors could scan it needs nurturing: gut feeling and intuition
to find out if a child has been immunised. They don’t carry as much need the support of evidence to become
information as a microchip, can’t be tracked like an RFID chip, and entrenched opinions. The trouble is, most
anti-vaxx ‘evidence’ isn’t true; the majority
aren’t currently added to any type of vaccination. is misleading ‘misinformation’, and some is
malicious ‘disinformation’.

When a scientist posts empirical evidence
about the safety of vaccination, and an anti-
vaxx campaigner responds with an emotive
story about a child harmed by an injection,
people are already primed to take one side

102 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANTI-VAXXERS

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN advertising for alternative medicines. And the © Getty Images / TarikVision / Atlas Studio
scale of the problem is growing.
VACCINATION DROPS?
Analysis of Google search results suggest
Before a vaccination was developed, almost everyone would catch that almost half of vaccine and immunisation
measles; it’s one of the most contagious diseases on the planet. It websites contain anti-vaxx content. One in
starts with a cough, a runny nose and a fever. After a few days, tiny three YouTube videos about vaccinations is
white spots appear inside the mouth and a scarlet rash breaks out on negative, and anti-vaxx groups on Facebook
the face and neck. Then, as the rash spreads towards the toes, the have more than 31 million followers. Before
fever spikes, reaching up to 40 degrees Celsius (104 degrees Fahrenheit). the global rollout of the COVID-19 vaccines
In children under five and adults over 20, the situation can be serious. started in December 2020, one in three
The virus can cause pneumonia and swelling on the brain. One in five people in the UK had been exposed to
people need hospital treatment. The trouble is, no medicines can harmful anti-vaccination information online,
cure the infection; all doctors can do is support the body as it battles some of it shared by high-profile individuals
with huge social influence.
the virus. Before vaccination, measles claimed 2.6 million lives
every single year. Before he came to office in 2017, Donald
Trump, the 45th president of the United
Thanks to vaccination, global measles deaths are now below 150,000. States, tweeted, “healthy young child goes
But to completely stop the spread, 95% of people need to have to doctor, gets pumped with massive shot
immunity. As it stands, only 86% of the world’s children receive the of many vaccines, doesn’t feel good and
vaccine before their first birthday, and there are still 19.2 million changes – AUTISM. Many such cases!”

unvaccinated infants worldwide. The injection costs just $1, but thanks So, when the roots of anti-vaccination
to anti-vaxx propaganda, uptake is dropping. For a virus as contagious sentiment run deep and facts have no effect,
how can scientists ever hope to stem the tide
as measles, the consequences of even a small dip can be dire. of misinformation? Psychologists think it’s
In the UK, measles vaccine coverage has dropped to 87%, and the time for a new strategy. No amount of factual
virus is fighting back. Once free of measles, the country is now seeing information delivered by the government
regular outbreaks. In Europe, the situation is similar; in the two years or authority figures will ever convince a
between 2016 and 2018, the number of cases soared from below conspiracy theorist. No amount of dry
6,000 to more than 80,000. Worldwide, cases in statistical data will sway a parent who is
2019 were the highest they had been in more afraid for the safety of their child. However,
than a decade. Vaccination isn’t just the best tackling the roots of people’s mistrust directly,
defence we have against measles, it’s the and working with them, rather than against
them, might just help to change their minds
only defence. and increase the public’s faith in vaccines.

or the other. But the idea that there are two 103
equal sides to every argument is an illusion.

Take Dr Elisa Granato, for example. She
received the first trial dose of the Oxford
AstraZeneca coronavirus vaccine in April
of 2020. Soon after, the internet was flooded
with false rumours that she had died. Trolls
post content like this deliberately, and people
share it innocently, believing it to be true.

Anti-vaxx content can be incredibly
powerful, and incredibly lucrative. Research
suggests it takes just ten minutes of exposure
to an anti-vaxx website for people to start
questioning their position. The content can
sway people’s opinions without them even
realising, making them believe that they’ve
felt the same way all along. Then businesses
cash in, targeting anti-vaxxers with

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE GOOD ARGUMENT GUIDE

THE

GOOD

GUIDE

It might not feel that way at the
time, but a good row can have a
positive effect – if you stick to a

few basic rules

WORDS EVA GIZOWSKA

A n argument that has gone too rules and if you break them, that’s
far can feel like hell. One of when things get toxic. It’s fair play
you makes what seems like to criticise someone’s behaviour
a fairly innocuous comment: or disagree with their opinion. But,
‘On the phone again?’ or it’s not alright to attack someone on
‘What do you mean, you forgot?’ Then, before a personal level – ‘No wonder you’re
you know it, you’re in a full-scale showdown. such a loser’. Once you start going
There may or may not be shouting, tears, down that rabbit hole, things never
eye rolling or passive aggressive, snippy end well.”
comments. You can feel your anxiety levels
and blood pressure rocket. Things are getting “There’s some interesting research
heated – or chillingly frosty – yet, you’re no by psychologist Dr John Gottman that
closer to reaching a truce. shows there is a magic relationship
ratio of 1:5,” explains Dr Drayton. “In a
“If you’ve got a good strong relationship healthy relationship, for every negative
with someone, whether it be a partner, interaction, there are also at least five
sibling, friend or a work colleague, the positive interactions, such as showing
occasional argument can be a good thing,” appreciation, interest, affection and
says clinical psychologist Dr Michael Drayton. empathy. This can also be applied to
“In a healthy relationship, arguments enable friendships. We all have good and bad sides.
people to learn from each other. Once you’ve So, even if you have the odd argument, as
both had a chance to calm down and reflect, long as the good bits outweigh the bad, that’s
an argument can give you a better insight into the mark of a solid relationship.”
how someone thinks or feels.”’
“We all have our own different ideas, views
“Not all arguments are constructive though,” and experiences,” says consultant clinical
says Dr Drayton. “There are a few golden psychologist Dr Claudia Herbert. “So, it’s

104 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

THE GOOD ARGUMENT GUIDE

it’s how opinion that counts. There needs to be “This is a useful negotiation tactic © Getty Images / Maria Voronovich
you express – it takes the emotion out of the
your opinion respect. It’s also very important to have situation and allows them to feel
that counts they are being heard. Hopefully, in
personal boundaries.”
practically unavoidable to have arguments turn they’ll reciprocate.”
at times. Having different opinions is what “It’s one thing to have an argument where -
makes us grow. A good argument can help
you to see things from a different you strongly disagree,” adds Dr Herbert. “But, Don’t try to change someone
perspective. But, it’s how you express your “No one has the right to dictate how
if someone is being forceful, aggressive or other people behave or think,” says
PSYCHOLOGY NOW
intimidating, you’ve got every right to walk Professor Macaskill. “So, if you’re
having an argument, it’s important to
away. We all have a ‘window of tolerance’. remember all you can do is negotiate.

This is a term used by psychologists to It’s very easy to say hurtful things,
but you can’t un-say them. The main
describe the zone of arousal in which thing is to try and treat people the

you can feel your emotions and bodily same way you would like them to
treat you.”
sensations, but still feel centred. But, once -

someone pushes you beyond your window Take responsibility for
your own emotions
of tolerance, perhaps by being bullying,
“You might feel angry with
forceful and abusive, you may either go into someone – but, it’s down to you to
choose your emotional state,” says
hyperarousal – a highly stressed fight-or-flight Professor Ann Macaskill at Sheffield
Hallam University. “Remember, you’re
response – or hypoarousal, where you just only ever one thought away from

freeze and feel numb. If you find yourself feeling differently.”
-
going into either state, you start to get out
Really listen
of your comfort zone. You’re no longer “Try and put yourself in their
shoes,” says Dr Drayton. “Most
able to process or deal with the people, when they’re in the middle of
an argument, stop listening. You’ve
situation and your best tactic is to got two parties where no one is
hearing what the other is saying.
take time out.” Sometimes when you show you
understand where someone is coming
How to have a healthy argument from, this helps to create a shift.”

Next time things get fiery, remember -
Be aware of your own
these rules…
non-verbal signals
What do you want “If you’re angry with someone, even if
to achieve? you seem calm on the surface, you’ll
still be giving off non-verbal signals
“If someone upsets you,
don’t respond with a that you’re angry or resentful,”
explains Dr Herbert. The other person
knee-jerk reaction,” says will pick up on these signals. “It helps
Dr Drayton. “Consider
exactly why you feel to stay as calm as you can. If you
so angry or hard can’t, be honest and tell them that
done by. For you feel upset and need some space
example, you to think. Sometimes people trigger
might say ‘you’re emotions in us that are nothing to do
always on the with the actual situation. If that’s the
phone’, but what case, just explain that this argument
you mean is you has brought stuff up for you, but it’s
want them to pay
you more attention. actually not to do with them.”
That opens up a new -

conversation, rather than Be quick to apologise
just arguing about how “If you feel you’ve upset someone
your partner is always on during an argument, do apologise,
and do it quickly,” says Professor
the phone.” Macaskill. “Sometimes, all someone
- wants is an apology and by doing

Take time out so, and meaning it, it makes it
“In one study, people easier to move on.”
were instructed to take a
break from an argument.
When they came back, in
85% of cases, they found a
resolution,” says Dr Drayton.
“The time out gave them time to
reflect and reconsider. Meanwhile,
those who carried on arguing failed
to resolve things in 85% of cases.”

-
Ask why they feel a certain way
“Ask them to explain their opinion
in more detail,” says Dr Drayton.

105

MEMORIES OF A PAST LIFE

OF A

PAST LIFE

Around the world, thousands of PROFESSOR
children remember a life they
IAN STEVENSON
lived years ago
The medical doctor who turned to the
WORDS BALJEET PANESAR study of reincarnation.

O ver a period of 40 years, Stevenson’s masterpiece was the two- Born in Montreal, Canada, on
Professor Ian Stevenson volume, 2,268-page monograph Reincarnation 31 October 1918, Professor Ian
compiled roughly 3,000 and Biology: A Contribution to the Etiology Stevenson was educated at St Andrews
cases of children who had of Birthmarks and Birth Defects (1997). In this University, Scotland, and McGill
memories of past lives book he reports detailed studies of more University, Canada. He received his
from around the world. He authored more than 200 children who seem to have visible medical degree from McGill in 1943,
than 300 publications and travelled birthmarks and birth defects that can be and then spent some time working in
nearly 90,000 kilometres to document traced to the past life of the children. These
these cases. wounds had occurred during their previous biochemical research.
death – often violent and sudden – which In the late 1940s, he started working
In instances of reincarnation, most the children remember. Unlike the small and
children start talking about a past life as flat birthmarks most of us have, Stevenson at New York Hospital and began
soon as they can speak, between the ages observed that these children had raised or research in psychosomatic medicine,
of two and three. These memories tend to puckered, unusually shaped marks, possibly in particular the effects of stress on
fade between seven and nine. Each child even two – one that would represent an
experiences vivid and remarkably accurate entry wound and the other the exit wound. physical symptoms. In 1957, he was
descriptions of their previous lives. Most of Stevenson noted 18 such cases. appointed head of the department of
these cases tend to occur in south Asia and psychiatry at the University of Virginia.
western Asia – cultures in which there is a As a result of their past lives, these children
strong belief in reincarnation – but there often experience confusion. Children may Inspired by a meeting with Aldous
have also been cases in Western Europe and fear the police because they were involved Huxley, Stevenson became one of the
North America. In 1983, Stevenson published in their previous death, or they may be first academics to research the effects
the cases of 73 American children who had wary of certain weapons that were used
past lives, and in 2003 he published the to kill them. These phobias seem irrational of psychedelic drugs in the US.
cases of 21 European cases, nine of which because to their parents’ knowledge their After publishing his work in 1960,
were from the UK. His attention to detail, child has not had any traumatic experiences. Chester Carlson, the investor of the
use of birth certificates and post-mortem These children may also long for their Xerox machine, funded a trip to India
results and interviews with witnesses to favourite clothes, food or stuffed animal – and Sri Lanka, where Stevenson
confirm a child’s description of their past behaviours associated with their previous completed further research. Seven
life were characteristic of his diligent and lives. Stevenson’s work is continued by child years later, he would become the first
tenacious approach. psychiatrist Jim Tucker. Carlson Professor of Psychiatry.
At the age of 88, Stevenson died on
106 8 February 2007 from pneumonia.
He will always be remembered as
one of the greatest authorities on
reincarnation, near-death experiences

and the paranormal.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

MEMORIES OF A PAST LIFE

Children may
fear the police
because they were
involved in their
previous death, or
they may be wary of
certain weapons

THE BOY WHO THE GIRL WHO DIED

MURDERED DURING CHILDBIRTH

HIS WIFE In 1926, a baby girl named Shanti Devi was born in Delhi, India. At the age of three,
she started talking about a former life in Muttra (now known as Mathura), a town 130
H. A. Wijeratne Hami was born in the village of kilometres away. She said that she was born in 1902, that her name had been Lugdi,
Uggalkaltota, Ceylon (now known as Sri Lanka), and she had been married to a cloth merchant by the name of Kedar Nath Chaubey.
in 1947. He was born with a visible deformity to She also said that she had given birth to their fourth child and had died ten days later.
his arm and right breast – a symptom of Poland
syndrome. When the boy was two years old, his When Shanti was nine years old, her family decided to find out whether their
mother overheard him saying that his arm was daughter’s statements were correct. They were. A year later, she travelled to Muttra,
deformed because he had murdered his wife, identifying relatives of Kedar Nath at the train station. She was also able to direct
Podi Menike, in a former life. She mentioned this witnesses to her former husband’s house. She even recognised her former parents
to her husband, who told her that his younger – and knew their names – in a crowd of 50 people, and she knew Muttri idioms and
brother, Ratran Hami, had been executed for spoke the dialect. During her time in Muttra, she made at least 24 statements, all of
murdering his wife in 1928. Before he died, Ratran which were verified.
had told his older brother (Wijeratne’s father)
that he would return. Wijeratne was able to recall 107
the details of the crime, arrest and execution
of Ratran, which were confirmed by court
documents and interviews. Wijeratne regarded
the deformity as a punishment for the crime that
he, as Ratran, committed.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

MEMORIES OF A PAST LIFE

THE BOY WHO WAS
MURDERED BY HIS
OWN BROTHER

On 26 August 1956, the Gupta family welcomed their baby boy, Gopal, THE GIRL WHO
into the world. At the age of two, an incident occurred at the family
home: he refused to clear a glass from the table, to the astonishment WAS A BOY
of his parents. He had no need to work, the boy said, because they
have servants to do the household chores. In his previous life, he Ruby Kusuma Silva was born in 1962 in the Sri Lankan city of Galle,
had lived in a city called Mathura, 257 kilometres from his home and started speaking about her previous life before she was two years
in Delhi. Here, he had two brothers – one of whom shot him – and old. Her former life was in Aluthwala, about 14 kilometres from where
a father. He claimed that he owned a pharmaceutical company she lived. She said she had two brothers, that her father was a bus
called Sukh Shancharak. Eight years later, it emerged that details of driver, and there were lots of coconut trees, speaking as if she was still
Gopal’s life – and death – were similar to that of Shakipal Sharma, who living that life. She seemed confused about no longer being a boy. She
had been shot by his younger brother said that she had drowned after falling into a well (she had a phobia of
in 1948. He was able to find his way to wells in her present life until the age of eight). After some investigation,
Shakipal’s house and to the it was found that the Singho family had a son named Karunasena who
Sukh Shancharak had drowned in a well aged seven in 1959. Ruby herself had displayed
company, as well as more male-associated behaviours, like wanting to wear boy’s clothing,
pointing out where and asking her family to call her brother or son (not sister or daughter) and
who shot him. He could climbing trees.
also identify people
in photographs at the
Sharma household.

THE BOY WHOSE

REBIRTH WAS

PREDICTED BY HIS

GRANDFATHER

Before his death, William George Sr, a fisherman from the Tlingit Indian THE BOY WHO ATE
tribe of Alaska, told his son that he would return as his baby boy
and that they would recognise him by the two half-inch birthmarks TOO MUCH CURD
on his body. Nine months after George Sr had been lost at sea, baby
William George Jr was born on 5 May 1950. The baby had two very Born in 1944 in Bisauli, India, two-and-a-half-year-old Parmod Sharma
distinctive birthmarks in the same location as his grandfather. As the would tell his mother that his wife in Moradabad, a city 145 kilometres
boy grew, those closest to him noticed how similar the boy was to his away, would cook for them. Then, between the ages of three and
grandfather; he looked like him, walked like him and had developed four, he would tell of the soda and biscuit shop he once owned in
knowledge about fishing and boats that you wouldn’t expect from a Moradabad called ‘Mohan Brothers’. He said that he once became
child so young. But he, unlike other children his age, feared the water. ill by eating too much curd and that he died in a bathtub. The boy’s
Aged four, he noticed a gold watch that had belonged to George Sr and statements reached the Mehra family in Moradabad, who owned
insisted that it was his. In later childhood the boy did forget his past life a soda and biscuit company called Mohan Brothers. Their brother
experiences, but he continued to lay claim to the watch. and partner Parmanand Mehra had died in 1943 after contracting
a fatal illness caused by eating too much curd. At the age of five,
Parmod visited Moradabad, recognising some members of the Mehra
family and places around the city centre. Later, Parmod travelled to
Saharanpur, where the Mehra family also owned businesses, and
recognised people in the city.

108 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

MEMORIES OF A PAST LIFE

A CHRISTIAN BOY THE BOY WHO

BORN AGAIN AS REMEMBERED HIS

A BUDDHIST PAST LIFE AFTER

Gamini Jayasena was born in Colombo, Sri Lanka, in 1962. When HE NEARLY DIED
he was a year and a half old, he started talking about his former life,
saying that his other mother was his ‘real mother’. He mentioned In 1954, three-year-old Jasbir Lal Jat was thought to have died of
someone called Nimal, who had bitten Gamini, and that Nimal had smallpox, but appeared to revive the following day. It took a number
also been bitten by a dog. The Jayasena family were Buddhists, but of days for him to be able to speak again, but he was no longer the
Gamini prayed in the position of a Christian, celebrated Christmas and same person his family had brought up. He now believed that he was
spoke about Santa Claus. His family suspected that in Gamini’s past life the son of a Shankar from the village of Vehedi, and wanted to go
he had been a Christian. While on a family bus trip when Gamini was there. For almost two years, he refused to eat with his family, saying
two and a half, Gamini’s relatives stopped at a town called Nittambuwa, he belonged to the Brahmin caste – a higher caste than the Jats. He
35 kilometres from their home, and Gamini immediately recognised spoke of how a man who owed him money gave him some poisoned
it as the home of his past life. sweets that caused him to fall off his chariot, inflicting a fatal head
Here, an eight-year-old injury. When word reached the Tyagi family, they realised that Jasbir’s
Palitha Senewiratne had life and death were similar to that of their son, 22-year-old Sobha Ram,
died some years before who had died earlier in the year. While in Vehedi, Jasbir was able to
after developing a serious find his way around the village, recognise members of the Tyagi
illness. During later visits, he family, and demonstrate the workings of the family and their affairs.
recalled how his past-life This type of ‘replacement reincarnation’ is far rarer than other types
father would break off olive of reincarnation.
branches for him, selected
his favourite past-life
sweet, and found his
past-life boarding
house at his school.

THE MAN WHOSE

MURDERERS HAD

GOT AWAY WITH IT

In 1962, Bongkuch Promsin was born near the town of Tha Tako, THE REBORN WWII © Getty Images / Paitoonpati / Sabelskaya / Supirloko89 / Ceneri / Nadzeya_
Thailand, but at the age of 20 months he started speaking about his Dzivakova / Babushka_p90 / Marina Skobliakova / Elena Gureva / Gmast3r
previous life, saying that his current home wasn’t his actual home. He FIGHTER PILOT
usually said this after waking up.
James Madison Leininger was born to Protestant parents Bruce
At the age of two, he said that his name had been Chamrat, he was a and Andrea Leininger in San Francisco in 1998. When he was 22
Loatian (a member of a tribe native to Southeast Asia), he had owned months old, he started developing a fascination with aeroplanes –
cows and he had been murdered by two men after attending a fair in notably World War II aircraft – after visiting the James Cavanaugh
Hua Thanon, six kilometres from his family home. Flight Museum in Texas. Shortly after, he started having nightmares,
recalling the incident of his past life. From the age of 28 months, his
Eventually, word of Bongkuch’s testimony reached the family of recollections became more detailed: his plane had crashed after being
Chamrat Pooh Kio, who had been murdered at the age of 18. The shot down by Japanese forces near Iwo Jima; he could fly a Corsair;
Promsins visited Chamrat’s family twice in 1964, where they confirmed and he knew the name of his copilot, Jack Larson. But his identity in
most of Bongkuch’s statements. Unlike most children, Bongkuch didn’t his past life was not that of Larson (he was still alive), but rather that
spontaneously speak about his previous life often, mostly doing so of James M. Huston Jr, who had been killed aged 21 and whose death
when something reminded him of his past life. By the age of 12, he no appeared to match James’s statements.
longer spoke about it.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 109

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE LONELY

WHAT IT MEANS

TO BE

We all might experience loneliness
at some time. It’s an emotional

response that’s different for everyone
and has little to do with being
physically alone

WORDS JULIE BASSETT

W e often conflate You can have a great social life, go out feeling lonely can also contribute to an
loneliness with being frequently, chat to colleagues and rarely increased risk of certain mental health
alone or socially be alone but still feel lacking in a strong, problems, such as depression, anxiety or
isolated. It’s true deep, meaningful connection with any one low self-esteem.
that being alone can person. How much and what kind of social
bring about feelings of loneliness, but it’s contact we need to feel content is very much Mental health is just one potential cause
also possible to feel intensely lonely while personal. Some people can be completely of loneliness, but there are other triggers.
surrounded by people, just as it’s possible to content and happy with very little physical For some, a loss can cause feelings of
feel completely content in absolute solitude. social contact. loneliness, whether this is a bereavement,
the breakdown of a relationship or a family
According to the Campaign to End There are many factors that contribute estrangement. Going through major life shifts
Loneliness, ‘Loneliness happens when towards loneliness, and you may experience can also be a factor, such as changing jobs,
the social connections that people want loneliness even if nothing obvious changes retiring or moving to a new area. Each of
don’t match their actual experience of in your social contact or close relationships. these situations can change our social circle
relationships with others. It is an emotional There are links to our mental health, for and contact.
response, and as such, it is important that we example. While loneliness in itself is not a
draw more on the insights from psychology mental health problem, having an existing For some people, loneliness is linked to
than is currently the case’. mental health problem can increase your certain events or times of the year, such
chances of feeling lonely according to Mind, as Christmas or throughout the winter.
Loneliness is a personal, emotional the mental health charity. Some groups of people are more likely to
experience. The sense of being lonely might feel lonely than others, including older
mean something entirely different to you Social anxiety can prevent people from people, adolescents, single parents without
than it does to someone else. Loneliness making new connections, and a perceived a support network, carers, those with
occurs when your personal social needs are stigma around discussing mental health disabilities that may exclude them from
not being met, whether that’s in the form of conditions can cause others to withdraw some social activities, or those who belong
quantity or quality. from friends and family. On the flipside, to a minority group and don’t live in an area

110 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE LONELY

among those from a similar background. TIPS IF YOU’RE
However, loneliness doesn’t discriminate FEELING LONELY
and it can impact any of us, either for short
periods of time or chronically. RECONNECT WITH PEOPLE

Not only that, loneliness can have a huge If you’re feeling lonely because of a lack of physical interaction, take the
impact on other areas of our lives. We’ve initiative to open a conversation. Send an email, letter or message to someone. It
already mentioned how it can contribute can be scary to put yourself out there, but it could lead to rediscovering a bond.
to an increased risk of mental health
conditions, but ongoing feelings of loneliness PRACTISE GRATITUDE
can also affect our physical health too. The
longer we feel lonely, the greater the impact. Try to get into the habit of practising gratitude. Write down three things
Sustained periods of loneliness can increase you’re grateful for in your life each day, no matter how small. This can
cardiovascular health risks, increase blood increase feelings of contentment and belonging.
pressure and impact on the immune system.
SPEAK OUT
Some of us are more inclined to feel
lonely than others. If you take two people It can be really hard to talk about feeling lonely, but the chances are many
in identical circumstances, with the same people are feeling the same way. Open up to a friend or family member. If you
number of social connections and contacts,
same work and living conditions, and the don’t have anyone you feel you can talk to, there are listening services and
same mental and physical health, it’s entirely forums where you can talk to someone about how you are feeling.
possible for one to feel intense feelings of
loneliness and the other to be completely JOIN IN
content. It comes down to those things
that make us feel a sense of belonging and Joining a club can help you to find new connections. This could be a physical
connection. For some, spending time with club, such as a running club or craft group, or an online club. There are all kinds
other people is important to fulfilling their of clubs to suit every hobby and shared interest, such as book clubs, wine clubs,
social needs; for others, there are different supper clubs and knitting groups. Having a space to indulge in a hobby you love
ways to get that same sense of contentment.
and talk to others about it can really help with your sense of belonging.
One study suggests that increasingly in
modern society we can engage our sense SLOW DOWN
of belonging without seeing another person
through other activities instead. The study Loneliness can increase feelings of stress, so try to take some time to
uses a ‘fuel’ metaphor for understanding slow down. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, take some mindful
our social needs. You need to have enough walks, practise yoga or have a hot bath – give yourself time to wind down
fuel in the tank to feel socially fulfilled; if the and enhance feelings of calm. This can help you to develop a more positive
tank runs low and you’re running on empty,
loneliness may inevitably creep in. mindset, which can help to tackle those feelings of loneliness.

This tank is often filled through traditional of fulfilment – again stressing just how with the world around you and increase © Getty Images / Jozefmicic
‘fuel’ such as spending time with friends and individual the triggers of loneliness can be. your sense of belonging.
family, but there are other types of fuel that
can fill the tank too. This might be spending This idea of seeking connections in order Of course, what works for one person
time with a pet, which can be an enormous to prevent loneliness links in with the might not work for another; we all have our
source of comfort. Passive activities such concept of mindfulness. Allowing ourselves own interests that we can get lost in. The
as watching a favourite film or TV show, to become fully absorbed in a particular task more we can do these activities that fulfil us,
listening to music or scrolling through social or activity and thereby focusing our mind mindfully and with active presence, the less
media can also bring about strong feelings solely on what we are doing can increase likely we are to feel lonely, even when we are
of belonging. that feeling of contentment. physically alone.

Social media, however, can conversely Engaging in regular exercise that you It’s important to recognise feelings of
be a cause of loneliness, projecting other enjoy, spending time cooking from a recipe loneliness and validate them. Only by
people’s lives into our own and inviting and concentrating on the method and understanding what we are experiencing
unfavourable comparisons. Yet for some, flavours, reading a good book, walking can we start to look for the solutions that will
following the accounts of people they like outdoors in nature, doing a puzzle – all these help us to feel more connected and content
and feel a connection with can offer a sense activities, when done with mindful intention, in our lives. This is the most vital step in the
can help you to form stronger connections battle against feeling lonely.
Some of
us are more
inclined to
feel lonely
than others

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 111

HOW TO SAY DIFFICULT THINGS

112 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

HOW TO SAY DIFFICULT THINGS

HOW TO SAY

THINGS

Most of us will need to have difficult
conversations at certain points in our lives,
whether with friends, relatives or colleagues

WORDS EDOARDO ALBERT

Y ou’ve got something to tell conversation you’ve been putting off having you probably had other tricky conversations.
your family. It’s been building with your atheist friends, telling them that Perhaps you wanted to tell your friends that
up for months, years even. you’ve decided you believe in God and want you’d been signed for a major football team
The trouble is, you’re pretty to be baptised. Or perhaps you’d like your or that you’d got all As in your GCSEs – you
sure they’re not going to like it. grown-up child to cut back on their alcohol wanted to tell them news about something
Your parents, in particular, keep reminiscing intake or take better care of themself. you’d achieved without coming across as big
about all those anti-war marches they went headed. Difficult conversations continue into
on in the distant past and how they support These are just some of the difficult adulthood, and present new challenges.
the struggle against imperialism today. conversations you might need to have in
So telling them that you want to join the your lifetime. As a child, it was probably your In all such cases, the key to telling people
army is going to be difficult. Or there’s that parents who you needed to tell something what you want to tell them, and them
to, but as you navigated through your teens, hearing you, is actually not the talking, it’s

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 113

HOW TO SAY DIFFICULT THINGS

the listening. The great secret at the heart of people you are speaking to will listen to what how you
getting a message across is hearing what the you are saying. speak matters
other person is trying to tell you. So here is more than the
some advice for what to do when you have to Understand what the other words that
have that big, important, scary conversation. person is saying come out
You may have rehearsed what you want to
Switch off your phone say many times in your head, but for the it’s natural to leap to conclusions about what
It might seem obvious, but turn your phone person you are speaking to, it’s all a surprise, they are saying and react to that rather than
off before starting. Yes, it might be helpful: possibly an unpleasant surprise. So if they to what they are actually saying. Don’t do
maybe you need to show them something respond by saying something hurtful or this. If someone says something that really
on it, maybe you think it calms you down, challenging, make sure that you understand hurts, stop. Take a deep breath. Look at
but the notifications on phones have been correctly what they said. One way to do that them, to understand if it was really meant to
designed – by skilled psychologists – to grab is to put it into your own words and ask them hurt you or something just said in the heat
attention. No mindful conversation is possible if that is what they meant. Even if it truly is of the moment. Breathe again. Then respond,
if you are continually allowing yourself to be hurtful, don’t become angry in return but try from your depths, and not from the surface
distracted through checking on phone alerts. to understand where that anger is coming parts of your ego that would just lash back in
from. Remember, this is old news for you, but self defence.
How you say things matters just as not for them.
much as what you say Concentrate on listening, not planning
Many studies have shown that, when Think before speaking on what you are going to say next
speaking with other people, how you speak Don’t just let the words tumble from your You have a point to make. So while the other
matters far more than the words that actually mouth. Once you’ve made your initial person is speaking, what you are really
come out of your mouth. In fact, in some speech – maybe you planned that out – doing is rehearsing in your mind your next,
circumstances, up to 90% of what you mean it’s too easy to then get caught up in the completely crushing, reply. But this is not a
will be conveyed by body language and tone thrust and counterthrust of argument and conversation. This is a series of monologues,
of voice. So if you have something big to say, disagreement. Remember, you can’t slow marked by incomprehension and the failure
remember: how you say it will determine down the other person, but taking time to to listen. A mindful conversation is one where
the way it is received just as much as what speak accurately and mindfully yourself will you try to truly listen to and understand
you are actually saying. So be mindful of have the effect of slowing down the overall what the other person is saying. And by
what your body is saying when you are conversation, so that all parties will be able to listening, mindfully, the chances are that you
speaking and, just as importantly, when you reflect and think before saying anything that will find that the person you are speaking to
are listening. Are you closing yourself off by they will later regret. wants what is good for you as well. Then that
crossing your arms and turning away? Open big conversation really will be the start of
yourself up and turn towards the person you Don’t react, respond something big.
are speaking to. Has the pitch of your voice In these sorts of big, life-changing
risen, indicating anger and frustration? conversations, where the other parties often Use your ears
Lower it. This will help to ensure that the don’t react in the way that you would hope, A successful conversation is about listening.
Here are some tips to help you listen better:

Tip one
Breathe. When things become
stressful, our breathing becomes
quick and shallow: it’s a hard-wired
fight-or-flight reaction from when
our ancestors had to face predators.
While useful when facing a hungry
lion, it’s counterproductive during
an intense conversation. To stop the
adrenalin kicking in, consciously
slow down your breathing, breathe
more deeply, hold the in-breath for a
moment, and then exhale slowly. And
repeat. Pause, breathe, listen. Pause,

breathe, listen.
-

Tip two
The biggest distraction to using your

ears is our natural facility to plan

114 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

ahead, to think we know what the HOW TO SAY DIFFICULT THINGS © Getty Images / Ponomariova_Maria
other person is saying and, while
they are still speaking, be planning BIG BEGINNINGS
our answer in our head. But that
5 ways to start a difficult conversation
means that we have stopped
listening. A key part of mindful ONE
listening is to hear what the other
person is actually saying, without I need your help with something.
their words being blocked by the
jumble of our own response jostling TWO
forward to the front of our minds.
So wait, listen to what the other Would it be all right if I got your opinion on a
person is saying, and then answer. situation I’m currently facing?
A conversation is not a race. No one
has to get to the finish line first. THREE

- I would appreciate your input on a problem I have.
Tip three
Be mindful of your own reactions FOUR
to what you are hearing and how
they may block your understanding If you’ve got time, I would like to go
of what the other person is saying. through something with you.
In a difficult conversation, it’s quite
likely that the other person may FIVE
say something that will upset you,
triggering feelings and memories I know you want the best for me. I have something that
associated with deep layers within has been on my mind that I want to tell you about.
you. But remember, these are
responses within you: they are not 115
the result of what the other person
has said. Try to become aware of
these trigger responses and do not
allow them to shape your reaction
to someone else’s words.

-
Tip four
Amid the emotions of a difficult
conversation, it is easy to
misunderstand what the other
person is saying. To ensure that
you have understood their meaning
correctly, repeat your understanding
back to them in your own words and
ask them if that is a fair summary
of what they meant. That way, you
will ensure that the conversation
remains grounded in what both
people actually mean, rather than
becoming about what you thought
the other person meant.

-
Tip five
Empathetic listening and reflection
will make even the most difficult of
conversations easier. Although you
and the person you are speaking
to might differ profoundly, by
attempting to understand their
position, and telling them that
you are trying to understand what
they are saying and why they are
saying it, will result in both a less
acrimonious conversation but is
likely to also encourage the other
person to try to understand what
you are saying too.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

ANTICIPATORY TIMING

ANTICIPATORY

The process that enables your
brain to predict the future

WORDS BALJEET PANESAR

T he brain is a powerful to your favourite song – while the cerebellum time. This ability to predict the future could
learning machine; it has the is connected to past memories – for example, be the reason for the immense success – and
ability to learn from previous being able to predict when a traffic light will stubborn survival – of our species, as we are
experiences in order to ‘predict’ change from red to green. The researchers able to predict the possible consequences of
future events. This is known also found that if one of these areas becomes an action.
as anticipatory timing. It is what enables damaged, the other region has the ability
humans to successfully navigate the world in to compensate, and this is important in the ability
which we live, and it also plays a key role in understanding neurodegenerative disorders to predict
helping us to concentrate. But how does the such as Parkinson’s disease. This research the future is
brain do this? challenges previous theories that suggested essential for
a single brain system was responsible for all professional
Researchers think two different regions our timing needs. athletes
are responsible for its ability to ‘predict’ the
future. These regions are known as the basal Most notably, the ability to predict the
ganglia, a group of structures that are found future is essential for professional athletes –
deep within the cerebral hemisphere, and the it takes longer to execute a swing than the
cerebellum, which is located at the back of time a batter has to view the ball travelling
the brain. Both structures are associated with towards them.
cognition and movement.
Furthermore, researchers in another study
The basal ganglia is associated with tasks found that the brain could predict events
that involve rhythm – such as singing along twice as fast as they actually occurred in real-

116 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

ANTICIPATORY TIMING

BUILT FOR SPORT

Not only are athletes’ bodies finely tuned machines, but their minds are too © Getty Images / Mironov Konstantin

In the professional sporting world, the speed and precision with which athletes make decisions can be the
difference between success and failure. But it’s not just their bodies that are built for sport – it’s their brains
too. Studies suggest that some areas of athletes’ brains are larger than those of their less-able counterparts.

Researchers at the Chinese Academy of Sciences compared the brains of professional divers with those
who did not participate in professional training. The researchers found that three regions – the left superior

temporal sulcus, the right orbitofrontal cortex and the right parahippocampal gyrus – of the professional
divers’ brains were significantly thicker than the non-athlete group.

Another study revealed that professional cricket players were more able to accurately predict the trajectory
of the ball significantly earlier and with greater accuracy than the non-professional players – a skill that
is vital for success in a match and one that has also been demonstrated in other ball sports, including
basketball, football, tennis and hockey.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 117

BUILD YOUR BULLY BARRIER

118 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

BUILD YOUR BULLY BARRIER

BUILD YOUR

PSYCHOLOGY NOW BARRIER

Bullying is something
no one should have to
deal with. In addition
to asking for help to get
it to stop, you can also
help yourself deal with
the anxiety it causes

WORDS SARA NIVEN

B eing on the receiving end of bullying is
something that can happen to anyone
at any age. It can feel overwhelming
and negatively affect your life, but it
doesn’t have to ruin or define it, as many
previously bullied celebrities have gone on to prove.

Rapper Eminem used his experience of physical
bullying as song inspiration and has been quoted as

saying: “Even the biggest of stars have gone through
bullying and survived it and, furthermore, have
come out on top – so can you.”

Surviving it doesn’t mean just putting up and
shutting up, however. It’s essential for children and
young people to let someone know if they’re being
bullied, and equally important for adults to speak
out if they’re being bullied, too (see the boxout on
the next spread called ‘Don’t suffer in silence’).

Alongside this, there are things you can do to
help with anxiety, build resilience and reduce the
chances of being a target (although being bullied is
not your fault and no one should feel forced to change
their appearance or who they are for it to stop).

119

BUILD YOUR BULLY BARRIER

How to calm your mind appearing confident (even
Mindfulness and self-awareness are key if we don’t feel it) makes a
tools, as experienced counsellor and trainer big difference
Pauline Couch explains. Her organisation,
Step4ward, specialises in working with young around. Focus on it, noticing how it looks and comfort is an issue, explore alternative ways
people over issues including bullying. “When feels in your hand. Allow other thoughts to of self-soothing, like watching a funny film or
faced with a situation of bullying, our fight- come and go, recognising that they might be having a bath.
or-flight state can get stuck between flight negative or distressing, but always returning
(escaping) and not knowing how to fight or your focus to the object and present moment. Sleep is sound
what to say or do. This results in a state of Do this for a few minutes at a time.” Without enough sleep, everything feels
obvious anxiety and stress, which in turn worse, and your ability to cope is affected.
‘feeds’ the bully’s desire for a reaction. Being You can also distract yourself with Distressing thoughts and anxiety will affect
able to get into a state of relaxation quickly positive things and places that uplift and your ability to fall asleep. It can be tempting
can reduce the panic considerably. Practising calm you, like a creative activity or stroking to end up doing lots of late-night browsing on
mindfulness and exercises like positive a pet. Don’t shut yourself away and become social media as a result, but that won’t help
belly breathing (which enables more oxygen isolated. When your world feels like it is you to switch off.
to enter the brain), even when not being shrinking, bullies can take on a much greater
threatened, will help the victim switch states significance. Unwinding can be particularly difficult
at the time of any incidences. if you are experiencing bullying via social
Because you’re worth it media and are on constant alert.
“Focusing on internal senses, such as Bullies can leave their victims feeling
breathing, can also help break the cycle worthless, but you’re far from that; the “Many young clients tell me they cannot
of upsetting thoughts after a distressing problem lies within them, not you. Don’t allow turn their phone off at night ‘in case it’s my
experience,” says Pauline Couch. their words or actions to affect the basics you friend contacting me’, reports counsellor
need to stay healthy. Guard against the trap of Pauline Couch. “This is a way of thinking
Switch the focus falling into seriously damaging habits, such as that a bully will be aware of and may
Keeping a journal or writing down thoughts using drugs, alcohol or self-harming to numb exploit by targeting someone at their most
and feelings can be a helpful way of dealing or block out feelings. If you are already doing vulnerable, in a place they usually feel safe.
with them. But when you’ve done that, try to any of these, be sure to seek specific help to Even if this doesn’t apply, it is healthy to set
change your focus. break the cycle. boundaries around checking texts and
social-media accounts.”
London-based chartered clinical If you’re unable to eat due to anxiety, try
psychologist Doctor Abigael San regularly a mindfulness technique before meal times Stand tall
uses mindful awareness techniques with to settle your stomach. If eating too much for Feeling scared and intimidated naturally
clients, and suggests a basic distancing makes us want to shrink into a small ball in
exercise: “Choose an object; something easily the corner of a room, but standing tall and
accessible like a stone or a pen, rather than a appearing confident (even if we don’t feel it)
special belonging you might not always have makes a big difference. If this is something
you find difficult, you could consider self-
defence classes – not to learn how to beat up
the bullies (as appealing as the fantasy may
be!), but to improve the way you feel and to
hold yourself.

Exercise is also a fantastic way to deal
with stress, and certainly worth trying
before mindfulness exercises, particularly
if you find it difficult to sit still. Anything
counts: walking, cycling, a team sport, even
doing stretches at home.

Talk it through
Besides telling someone what is going
on, talking things through with a trained
professional can be worthwhile.

Most schools now have in-house
counselling services where students can
refer themselves. If the bullying takes place
in school, your child might prefer to see a
counsellor in a different environment, such as
a specialist youth service, MIND, Relate or a
private practice counsellor.

“I’ve noticed that when young people
come for counselling out of school uniform,

120 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

BUILD YOUR BULLY BARRIER

DON’T SUFFER
IN SILENCE

Talking to someone about being bullied might feel almost as tough Surviving
as dealing with the bullying itself, but it’s essential it doesn’t
mean just
Even if you feel it will be upsetting or embarrassing, don’t let that, putting up and
or any threats about speaking out, stop you. shutting up

Who you tell will depend on who you feel most comfortable with. As an adult, it their demeanour and confidence is often
could be a friend, colleague or partner. If you suspect or know your child is being quite different and can help the process,”
bullied, encourage them to talk to you or perhaps a teacher or another relative. adds Pauline.

If you don’t get the response or the help you hoped for, choose someone else How mindfulness can better the bullies
and carry on until you do. In addition to advice on dealing with bullying, there Mindfulness techniques are seen as helpful
are numerous organisations that are set up to offer help, some with helplines or in reducing incidents of bullying as well as
text services to contact in a crisis. If you ever feel in immediate, serious danger helping those who are bullied. Research into
bullying behaviour shows it is generally done
you should call 999 (UK), 911 (US) or 000 (Australia). impulsively, while bullies lack understanding
and/or caring for how they affect others.
UK US Mindfulness is a great tool for combating this. © Shutterstock / GoodStudio, Getty Images / Anttohoho / Maria Voronovich

Ditchthelabel.org is an international The National Suicide Prevention MindUP is a training programme based on
anti-bullying charity offering online Lifeline provides 24/7 emotional mindful awareness, positive psychology and
support to people in suicidal crisis or neuroscience, which has been taught in 350
help via digital mentors and a emotional distress: 1-800-273-8255. schools across the US and more than 150 in
support forum. You can also call the UK. The programme has been shown to
them on 01273 201129 between 9am - improve students’ self-control, reduce conflict
Teen Line provides emotional between students, and strengthen resiliency.
to 5.30pm, Monday to Friday.
- support to young people: “By teaching the concepts of gratitude,
teenlineonline.org/talk-now empathy and connection, we are better able
Actagainstbullying.org is a 310-855-HOPE or 800-TLC-TEEN. to understand and share the feelings of one
registered charity set up by the another,” explains MindUP’s assistant
parent of a bullied child. It offers lots - director of education partnerships in the US,
of advice for teenagers – you can Covenant House NineLine deals with Mika Jain.
crisis intervention and angry feelings:
also email them at: A small study carried out in Cleveland
[email protected] 1-800-999-9999. found that after attending an eight-week
- course of mindfulness classes based on
- the MindUP programme, pupils who had
Antibullyingpro.com has an online National Hopeline connects callers been bullying other students showed
support centre and offers a 24/7 to a 24-hour crisis center in their increased empathy and had better control
crisis messenger service for young area: 1-800-784-2433. of their emotions.
people in the UK – text DA to 85258.
AUSTRALIA In another study, introducing two short
- sessions of meditation into a San Francisco
Childline.org.uk has some great headspace helps young people aged school known for its issues with violence,
practical advice, including how to 12–25 years who are going through a reduced behaviour problems and aggression,
deal with different forms of online tough time. Visit headspace.org.au or and led to a 75% decrease in the number
bullying and an under 18s helpline: of suspensions.
call 1800 650 890.
0800 1111. - 121
-
Kids Helpline offers a 24/7 telephone
Nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk and online counselling and support
can be contacted on 0845 2255 787, service for young people aged 5–25
Monday-Friday, 9am to 5pm, and is years. Visit kidshelpline.com.au or

aimed at both young people and call 1800 55 1800.
their parents. -
-
Lifeline provides crisis support 24/7
Giveusashout provides a crisis text for all ages. Call 13 11 14 or chat
support service for all ages –
text Shout to 85258. online every night at lifeline.org.au.

PSYCHOLOGY NOW

SELF-CARE FOR CARERS

SELF-CARE
FOR

Who looks after you when you’re responsible for
looking after others? If the answer is not even
yourself, it’s time for a rethink

WORDS SARA NIVEN

W hether it’s a position you In a survey by Carers UK involving 8,000 challenging, especially for those juggling
have taken on willingly, unpaid carers, almost two-thirds of carers work with a caring role,” confirms Helen
or one in which you (64%) stated they put the needs of the person Walker, chief executive of Carers UK. “Recent
had no choice, caring they care for above their own. events have added to those challenges, and
for someone can be after months of caring round the clock with
very rewarding, but it can also be draining and “Supporting a loved one who is older, very little respite during the pandemic, it’s no
exhausting, and have a significant impact on seriously ill or has disabilities can be a surprise that 74% of carers told us they felt
how well you look after yourself. source of great satisfaction, but without the worn out and exhausted.”
right support in place it can also be very

122 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

SELF-CARE FOR CARERS

FIVE CONSIDERATIONS THIS WORKS FOR US
FOR CARE-GIVERS

Meeting your own needs
and knowing when to seek
support is vital

1 Give up the guilt We asked four carers for their self-care tips:
“Carers are likely to experience
a range of emotions at times, “I go for a run a couple of times a week, with my headphones on and
including frustration, worry, favourite music playing. It is the only thing I really do for me and I always
exhaustion, lack of motivation,
but particularly guilt,” says clinical feel more able to cope afterwards.”
hypnotherapist Tracy Daniels, who is also a -
carer herself. “It is easy to feel you are being
selfish to want time out. However, your “I try to plan activities that both myself and the person I’m caring for will
effectiveness as a carer can be diminished if enjoy, like a drive to the seafront or trip to the library. It helps to balance
you never recharge your own batteries.”
Helen Walker of Carers UK says that getting out the trickier aspects of caring and allows us both time to relax.”
caught up in a cycle of guilt is common. “It -
is easy to feel resentful that your life is no
longer your own, and then guilty for feeling “I used to race around like an idiot when caring for my mother – I felt
like this. It is important to acknowledge these guilty if her kitchen was untidy or her post wasn’t sorted. But I ended up
feelings and not bottle them up.” exhausted as well as realising sometimes she needed me to sit and have a

2A healthy cup of tea with her. Now I try not to be so hard on myself.”
body and mind -
Carers UK reports that caring
can have a significant impact on “As the parent of a child with special needs, friends struggled to
physical and emotional wellbeing. understand my situation – they’d invite me to places I couldn’t easily
take my son to or out for nights I couldn’t go on. I’ve now established
More than 80% of carers surveyed said that a new support network of parents in similar positions through a local
they are not able to do as much physical
exercise as they would like while also organisation. Not feeling alone makes a big difference.”
reporting being nearly twice as anxious as
the general population. 4 Seek support 5 Pat yourself
“Often people don’t identify on the back
You may also end up skipping meals, losing themselves as carers, despite It can be a fantastic boost when
sleep and putting off your own medical the care they are providing, those we care for express
appointments. In the long term, ignoring your and miss out on the right gratitude, but that’s not always
own health could lead to some very serious support for years,” says Helen Walker.
repercussions indeed. “Getting practical and financial help to the case, or possible. At times, our efforts may
take a break or manage the costs of caring go unappreciated, and the people we care
“It is important to recognise signs of chronic can make a huge difference. Our Looking for could express unhappiness, even anger
stress and impending burnout and seek After Someone guide outlines the support towards us. This can be particularly relevant
professional help before it gets out of hand,” available and can be found at carersuk.org/ in cases involving dementia.
adds Tracy Daniels. “Changes in appetite, LAS. We also provide an online forum to
irritability and engaging in unhealthy habits connect with other carers.” “Caring for a person with dementia can
are signs to be aware of.” take a toll, especially if there are changes
Sue Mitchell is involved in a carers’ in personality or behaviours that sadden
3Little things support group and says they are a great way the carer,” points out Sue Mitchell, who is
mean a lot of avoiding isolation. involved in a support group for carers.
It may not be realistic for all carers
to take a holiday – some may feel “Take advantage of community groups and “Remember to congratulate yourself on
it is impossible to take off even a services available through social services. what you are doing. You are supporting
Talking to others in a similar position helps someone with a challenging condition as
few hours. But whatever your situation, look you feel that you are not alone.” well as potentially coping emotionally with
for ways of building small, self-care gestures changes in a person you love.”
into your regular routine.
whatever your situation, © Getty Images / Invincible_bulldog
“However tricky it seems, it is essential look for ways of building
to take time out for yourself,” says Sue small, self-care gestures
Mitchell, an occupational therapist for Dorset into your regular routine
Healthcare in the UK. “If you can’t see any
way of doing this outside your care role, it
could be as basic as putting on a familiar DVD
for the person you’re caring for to watch while
you read the paper, or organising a sitter once
a month so you can have coffee with friends.”

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 123

HOW TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS (AND KEEP THEM)

124 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

HOW TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS (AND KEEP THEM)

HOW TO MAKE

(AND KEEP THEM)

Stop setting yourself up for failure –
discover what’s been holding you back
and how you can meet any goal you set

WORDS JULIE BASSETT

E very December we start to Whether you’re looking to eat a healthier writing down absolutely everything you
think ahead to what it is we diet, get fitter, take up a new hobby, learn a think you need to achieve in your life. This
want to achieve over the next 12 language or read more books, we have some is just setting yourself up for failure. The
months. Making resolutions is expert advice to ensure that your resolutions most common resolutions are to get fit and
as much a part of the New Year work for you. lose weight, but what this means to any one
celebrations as fireworks, bottles of fizz and individual person is very different to what
Auld Lang Syne. Every year we set ourselves Why resolutions fail it means to another. You need to have your
resolutions and promise that this will be the It’s easy to get carried away when planning own specific motivation, otherwise it’s just
year we keep them, but somehow, by the start your New Year’s resolutions. You start words on a page.
of February, they have fallen by the wayside.
It’s not just us – the January surge at the gym BE ACCOUNTABLE
lasts a few weeks before the crowds taper
off. In other words, it’s much easier to break a If you really want to keep your resolutions, you need to be accountable. It’s
resolution than it is to keep it. easy to make a resolution but not so easy to keep it. While this is partly to do

There are ways, however, you can stop this with the nature of the resolutions themselves, it’s also because there’s no
cycle. You can make effective and achievable one checking up on us to make sure we actually keep the resolutions. It’s up to
resolutions that will enhance, improve or
change aspects of your lifestyle for the better. you to have a way of keeping yourself in check.
And you don’t have to wait until 1 January “Journal your journey, so you can remind yourself of your progress,” advises
either. You can set and start your resolutions Dr Mariette Jansen. For example, if you’re resolving to get fitter, you might write in
at any time of the year and begin making gym sessions, runs, exercise classes or walks for that week. By writing them down,
positive steps today. you’re making the commitment to yourself that you are going to stick to your plan.
You can cross them off as you go, giving you a visual incentive and motivation. A
set and wall planner in a visible location, such as the kitchen, can also help you to stay
start your on track. Another way to stay accountable is to tell someone what you’re doing.
resolutions
at any time You’re more likely to succeed if others are asking about your progress.
of the year

PSYCHOLOGY NOW 125

HOW TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS (AND KEEP THEM)

Life and wellbeing coach Zoe Thompson we’re sabotaging ourselves
(www.phoenixlifecoach.co.uk) reveals: “I before we even begin
see a lot of people make resolutions they
think they ‘should’ be making, but they aren’t clear ending, your resolution is doomed who set and achieve their goals make
goals they actually ‘want’ to make.” But if to fail. resolutions that are in alignment with their
we’re not setting our goals based on what values, needs and what they want to
we want, what are we basing our resolutions We’re also prone to setting goals that achieve in life (even if they don’t know this!).
on? According to Thompson, we make goals are hard to accomplish; we’re sabotaging When you set goals that you want to
based on “what you think you should; what ourselves before we even begin by putting achieve, you’re willing to commit your
other people think you should; because you down aims we have no chance of physical and mental energy into achieving
said you would; or because society thinks achieving. For example, you might want to them, as well as investing the emotional
we should.” return to study a subject that’s of interest to involvement that’s also important. If you don’t
you. There is no doubt this is a great goal, have these elements, you’re less likely to do
The other reason that resolutions fail is but if you’re working full-time, juggling what needs to be done to get the outcome
that they are far too broad. Writing down ‘lose family and short on time every day, adding that you want.”
weight’ is an open-ended goal – at what point in another ‘must do’ is only going to
have you actually achieved it? Without a increase stress and set you on the road to Thompson also advises you should
failure. As Thompson says: “Setting goals/ always set positive goals. “The other
GET OVER resolutions should be a challenge, but not important element is to set a resolution
a stress. It should be something you can around what you do want, not what you
A BLIP get excited about and [give] a sense of don’t want. Think, what will success look like,
achievement. It should be big enough that feel like, how will you be different, what else
At some point, you will have success will bring a sense of achievement will be better as a result?”
a blip in sticking to your without being so big that it leaves you
feeling overwhelmed.” Before you even put pen to paper and start
resolutions. This is often when it writing down your resolutions, you need
can’t be helped, due to illness, What we should do to do some real thinking about what you’re
injury or other commitments. trying to achieve without causing extra stress
So, if we know what we are doing wrong, in your life as a result. “A resolution is about
Sometimes it’s a wobble in how can we make resolutions that we can change or achievements,” says Dr Mariette
willpower. Whatever the keep? Thompson says that people who Jansen, life coach and meditation teacher.
reason, the key is not to let successfully make resolutions are those “Both sound positive. So, they could be a good
it derail your resolutions who really consider what they want to thing, but they always add pressure as any
completely. “Don’t think black achieve in their life for themselves: “People challenge will do.”
and white, all or nothing. When
you have a relapse – and believe
me, everybody will experience
that – it is not the end of the
process. You just need to reboot
and start again,” advises

Dr Mariette Jansen.
If you focus on the negative
and think you have ‘failed’, you
will find it hard to get going
again. Instead, stop and take
a moment to think about what
has happened and why. If
you’ve had a bad day, try not
to let it turn into a bad week.
Get some sleep and start a new
day, back on track. When you’re
trying to change your lifestyle,
one day isn’t going to make an

overall difference.

126 PSYCHOLOGY NOW

HOW TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS (AND KEEP THEM)

TOP TIPS FOR… Dr Jansen suggests that there are three © Getty Images / Iryna Alekseienko / Olga Strelnikova
key points to consider when making a
MAKING RESOLUTIONS resolution and what it needs to include:

SET SPECIFIC GOALS Practical and solution-focused
Vague goals such as ‘I want to lose weight’ are too open and won’t help The practical result or achievement,
you to stay motivated. You need to be very specific with what you want to
achieve, for example, ‘I want to run a 5K event by May in under 35 minutes’. such as running a marathon.
You can then easily break this down into monthly and weekly goals to -

make it achievable. Emotional
- The underlying motivation and the

SHARE YOUR PLANS emotional gain, such as showing
When you make your resolutions, share them with someone else. It might people ‘I am not a wimp’ or getting

just be a family member or friend, or you might decide to share with a yourself fit and healthy.
group related to your resolution. For example, if you have decided you -
want to learn to knit, you might join a local knitting group, which will help
Doubts and limiting beliefs
you keep your goal. Doubt can work as a motivator as it
- inspires to dismantle the doubt (‘I
can do it!’), where limiting belief will
HAVE CLEAR MOTIVATION get in the way (‘I knew I wasn’t able
If you don’t have the right reason to see your resolutions through, you’ll
find it much harder to stay on track. Make sure you know exactly what it is to do it and here’s the proof’).
you want to achieve – maybe it’s a pair of jeans you want to wear, a medal
you want to earn at a race or a holiday you want to learn the language for. “It is the balance between these three
that will determine success. Limiting beliefs
KEEPING RESOLUTIONS will stop success and usually add
frustration and hopelessness. In order to be
CELEBRATE SMALL STEPS successful with a resolution, people need to
“Celebrate each milestone,” says Dr Mariette Jansen, “and don’t think be aware of their limiting beliefs and work
about the journey ahead, but the journey you have travelled so far. This is through those before they can successfully
the difference in thinking: ‘OMG, there is soooooo much more to do’, which set a resolution.”
is daunting; or ‘Wow, I have moved from the starting line and am really
Dr Jansen’s own website is a good source
pleased I am on my way’, which is positive.” of information for people who are held back
by these limiting beliefs, self-confidence
- issues or anxiety, and is a great resource for
further information: www.drdestress.co.uk.
PLAN AHEAD
As well as needing willpower, being organised is key to keeping Set a good resolution
resolutions. Make sure you have set plans in your dairy to help you meet Now you’ve given much more thought to
your goals. This could be booking into fitness classes in advance or the nature of your resolutions, you can start
booking an event to work towards. Always keeping one step ahead in the to get more specific. First, choose one thing
you want to achieve and break it down.
process means that you are less likely to lose focus.
“Set out what you want to achieve over
- the 12 months and then break it down
into smaller achievable chunks,” suggests
FORM NEW HABITS Thompson. “Start at 12 months, break down
It takes time to create new habits, as Dr Jansen says. “Don’t focus on the into quarters, then break down again into
months, weeks, then eventually you can set
end goal, focus on the creation of new habits and actions.” It’s easy to your priorities for each day.” A dedicated
slip back into an old routine without realising. Commit to sticking to your journal can help with this process, such as
resolution for at least 30 days. By the end of a month, you will likely find Thompson’s own one: www.phoenixlife
coach.co.uk/phoenix-journal.
your new routine has become habit, so is easier to stick to.
The next step is to do something every
PSYCHOLOGY NOW day that works towards your resolution.
Any step that takes you closer to your final
goal counts and will help you build healthy
habits. “It doesn’t have to be big,” says
Thompson. “Small consistent steps will get
you there without negative pressure.”

It’s never easy making a change, and there
will be days when it doesn’t go to plan, but
accepting that as part of the process can
lead to ongoing success. As Thompson says:
“When it doesn’t work, be kind to yourself.
Reflect, but don’t reprimand. What went
wrong, what did you learn, what will you do
differently next time?”

127

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OFADEXVPICEERT

Psychology
Now
TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR MIND
FOR A HAPPIER, HEALTHIER LIFE

9021 Human nature is a fascinating concept. From
the way we think to the way we behave, the
mind is a powerful yet delicate tool, and must
be nurtured in the same way we take care of
our bodies. Gaining a greater understanding
of human behaviour and mental processes
will ultimately lead to a better understanding
of ourselves. And once we realise why we
and others behave in certain ways – whether
alone or in group settings – it becomes much
easier to avoid stressful situations, reduce
anxiety, make better decisions, and live a
more fulfilled life.

9000