Khuluma May 2019

TAKE A BIKE EXPLORE

EXPLORE
Here. There. Everywhere.

Words: Keith Bain, Picture: Jacques Marais PEDDLE–POWERED PILGRIMAGE

Inspired by the famed pilgrimage to the cathedral of Santiago de Compostela, a bunch
of ultra-zealous mountain bikers have developed a two-wheeler trek through the heart
of Namaqualand. The so-called Bikamino is launching on 2 May as a 72-hour adventure

that can be languidly ridden or furiously raced. The tour starts at Okiep and covers
243km before finishing up at Hondeklipbaai on the wild West Coast. Part of the thrill, say

organisers, is choosing your route and figuring out how to tackle it. There’s a shorter,
rougher ‘red’ route that’s more suited to mountain bikes, while the longer, smoother
‘green’ route is navigable on a gravel bike. Riders can either opt to peddle through the
night, guided by moon, stars and headlamps, or make use of designated stops along the
way – at Naries and Kookfontein. Much of the Bikamino is within the Namaqua National
Park with some of the best sections through the Kamiesberg mountains. Organisers hope

to expand the Bikamino to include a 300-hour race (yikes!), guided tours and

self-supported bikepacking adventures in 2020. bikamino.com

Robby’s random moments 59 Flying keeps you young 67 Accidental destinations 80
PLUS Karoo story 54 Indian kismet 73 Dining A to Z 91

kulula.com MAY 2019 53

Stand at the edge of time

Part of Graaff-Reinet’s wonder is the encroaching landscape.
Occupying a horseshoe-shaped bend in the Sundays River, the town’s virtually

surrounded by the Camdeboo National Park. The highlight of it all is the
Valley of Desolation, a geological marvel of weathered rust- and coral-coloured
dolerite pillars that thrust up from the valley below towards the heavens. Sunset

is the best time to visit, when these rock sculptures turn deep red, and the pink
light softens the Camdeboo plains while Verreaux’s eagles ride the thermals and
distant koppies etch out gorgeous silhouettes. For informative tours peppered with
insights about the geology and ancient history of the area, enlist the experts at Karoo

Connections. 049 892 3978, karooconnections.co.za

54 MAY 2019 kulula.com

KAROO STORY EXPLORE

COUNTRY BUMPKIN

A time-traveller’s town

In the Great Karoo, amid vast stretches of semi-arid nothingness, sheep and game ranches
interrupted by far-off koppies, monumental rock formations, sheer cliffs and craggy gorges,
Graaff-Reinet is South Africa’s fourth-oldest town, enveloped by the gorgeousness of the Camdeboo

plains. The reasons to visit are many – to put a random cap on things, here are our top 10

Words: Keith Bain, Pictures: Supplied, Keith Bain Slip into history Time trip hotel

With more national monuments than any other South Designed by Louis Thibault and completed in 1806, Graaff-
African town, Graaff-Reinet’s streets are packed with Reinet’s magisterial Old Drostdy was purchased by Henry
curiosities. Graaff-Reinet Museum is a collection of four Kromm in 1878 and converted into Kromm’s Drostdy Hotel. Over
significant monuments, including stately Reinet House, a Cape the years, it was subjected to various stylistic renovations, and
Dutch parsonage built in 1812. Another building worth noting only in the 1970s was its original Cape Dutch façade (pictured
is the Victorian pseudo-Gothic style Dutch Reformed Church above) finally restored. Then, five years ago, Drostdy Hotel was
which resembles England’s Salisbury Cathedral. To bring transformed into a luxurious boutique property incorporating
these and other architectural marvels to life, the guys from a considerable number of neighbouring houses and historic
Karoo Connections also serve up impressive historical tours. cottages. While the cobblestone lanes and authentic architecture
They’ll talk you through the museum displays and explain how make it feel like you’re in a bygone era, it comes with all the perks
and why Graaff-Reinet briefly became an independent colony. of contemporary life, including a spa and the excellent De Camdeboo
They also do tours of uMasizakhe, where you can visit Robert Restaurant where chef Jaco Hough executes clever experiments with
Sobukwe’s birthplace, experience true-to-life Xhosa hospitality, traditional recipes. There are several pools for you to soak up the hot
and perhaps attend a gospel church service or have a beer in Karoo sun (yes, even in autumn), and there’s even a charger for your
a shebeen-style tavern. electric car. Talk about time travel! newmarkhotels.com

kulula.com MAY 2019 55

EXPLORE KAROO STORY

Digs to die for 4 Explore a prickly garden
5
Guest rooms at the Drostdy Hotel If you want to get a little lost for
are mostly inside restored historic a while, try doing so at Obesa, a cactus
buildings. Each is uniquely furnished and nursery with an extensive garden that wends
designed, but all are impeccably stylish and winds like a fantastical maze beset by spiky
and lavishly comfortable, combining history plants. There are thousands upon thousands of
with modernity – lots of wood, boldly plants, many of them wild and unimpeded, and
patterned fabrics, animal skins on the floor, the garden is peppered with quirky sculptures.
sumptuous bathrooms, and every imaginable Johan Bouwer, a retired lawyer with eccentric
convenience, including beds that make you tendencies and very strong, colourful opinions on
feel like royalty and the most luscious linens. everything, started his collection in about 1960 –
the garden is the result of a relentless obsession.
Discover art 9 facebook.com/obesanursery

The Drostdy itself houses some Go clubbing
exceptional artworks. Apart from the
restaurant’s collection of Norman Lighton’s Um, no, not that sort of clubbing, but
52 original watercolour-and-ink illustrations after-dark is certainly the best time to
for the first Roberts Bird Guide, there are the hit the Graaff-Reinet Club, a veritable who’s
Dylan Lewis sculptures, and the hotel has its who of, well, Graaff-Reinet, where you will
own charity-funding gallery. Also worthy of meet farmers and townsfolk nursing drinks and
a visit is the Hester Rupert Art Museum wonder who all the gents caricatured on the
on Church Street, and no-one should visit wall are. The Club occupies the same building
Graaff-Reinet without seeing the Owl House as the fabulous Coldstream Restaurant,
and Camel Yard in Nieu Bethesda, 50km where you can sit outdoors beneath the stars
north of town. It's where outsider artist or inside close to the kitchen or in the semi-
Helen Martins obsessively transformed formal main dining room. Gorgeous pizzas are
her home into a colourful fantasy as her served, along with plenty of family-friendly
backyard became packed with sculptures fare and the service is delightful. facebook.
of peacocks, camels, mermaids, stars, com/ColdstreamRestaurant
shepherds, sphinxes, and serpents.
Sip wine on the stoep
Go to the other yard Join the MAMILs
The month of May sees one of the
A short walk from Drostdy Hotel, Although there are over 40 country’s most charming and original
Our Yard isn’t just a stop for on-site mammal species roaming the town festivals, Stoep Tasting. Hosted by
roasted coffee. Around the pretty courtyard, Camdeboo National Park (including the Karoo Wine Club since 2013, this annual
the various buildings shelter a dozen-or-so the endangered mountain zebra), the event is all about mingling in an intimate setting.
rooms where you’ll find a deli selling exquisite creatures we’re talking about wear Lycra, You roam from place to place – restaurants,
Karoo produce, a craft liquor merchant with like to get up early in the morning and a few private homes, cafés – and you meet
an incredible selection of artisanal spirits and typically peddle all the way up to the Valley visiting winemakers who introduce vintages from
prestige wines (and a fabulous gin bar), walls of Desolation view point. If you bring your almost 50 different estates. You get to taste
covered with art, and a boutique selling Karoo- bike, you’ll find yourself in great company. and drink with them, and grab hold of delicious
centric souvenirs and quirky T-shirts. Dining If you’re better with both feet on the conversation as you go. Tastings are unlimited,
here at night, with stars and candles and ground, a run from the town up towards but with only 2 000 tickets to go round, you need
a crackling fire, is a must-do. 50 Somerset the Park’s entrance past the Nqweba Dam to book soon, or make a note for 2020. 24–25
Street, 049 891 0337 lookout is equally invigorating. May, [email protected]

56 MAY 2019 kulula.com





THE COMEDY TRAIL EXPLORE

A career in comedy has landed
Robby Collins in some weird
and wonderful – and weirdly
wonderful – places

kulula.com MAY 2019 59

SUFFERING FOR MY ART
IN GRAHAMSTOWN

I’ve performed at the National Arts Festival
in Grahamstown three times now. With each
visit, it gets a little easier; you learn the tricks.
But when you go there for the first time, you
have absolutely no clue – and you suffer a bit.
As a new artist, nobody tells you how difficult
those festival crowds can be. You could be doing
shows at 9pm, which is ideal for stand-up, but
then also have a show at 10 in the morning.
It’s very difficult to do stand-up comedy when
the sun is still out, when the crowd is sober.
And with the daytime shows, there are parents
with their kids, and you’ll see someone’s ouma
sitting in the corner, and that immediately takes
away half the jokes you could do with a strictly
adult audience. Despite the hiccups, the town
itself is so beautiful. I love how you’ll be driving
through the Eastern Cape, through vast areas
of absolutely nothing and wide-open space, and
then you go through this valley, and suddenly
there is this lovely little town, with all its old
buildings and a church on every corner. It does
get very cold in winter, though, which is why
you need to stock up on Old Brown Sherry…

60 MAY 2019 kulula.com

JAZZ HANDS ON THE GARDEN ROUTE THE COMEDY TRAIL EXPLORE

One of the most interesting places I’ve performed at was this high school in Knysna. RIDING ESCALATORS
The thing with this show was that it was a deaf school, so they had a sign language WITH TREVOR NOAH
person translating me. It was just crazy to be there because the whole school was so
silent. It was so strange to be surrounded by that kind of silence. The kids laughed. Touring with Trevor Noah is very
But the thing they did to clap and laugh in sign language, is to put their hands in the di erent to just playing by myself
air and to shake them. You know, like jazz hands or spirit fingers. So that was how because we stay in the presidential
I knew people were laughing. I thought it was so beautiful to see these children suites and we get to use a separate
who couldn’t talk be on the same page as me, having the same emotions. That entrance at the airport. While I was
was very eye-opening. Oh, and Knysna is the most beautiful place in the world on tour with Trevor in 2013, we
– all those gorgeous, dreamy lagoons.
went to Lusaka in Zambia.
As you can imagine, there’s not much
to do in Zambia, unless you’re going
to go on safaris. And so, Trevor and
I went to the mall, where they had just
put in escalators. ey were so new
that they were having school trips to

that mall so the kids could ride the
escalators. ere were teachers at the
top of the escalator and teachers at the

bottom, and then the kids – about
50 of them – holding hands and going
down, cheering when they got to the
bottom. It was brilliant. And then the

older people, because it was a rst
time for them experiencing it too,
they wouldn’t trust the escalators, so
they would go take the stairs. Trevor
and me, we stood there watching this
thing for maybe an hour, because we

were like, ‘ is is so amazing!’

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EXPLORE THE COMEDY TRAIL

WETTING MYSELF IN CANADA

In 2016, I performed at the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal. It’s
a really beautiful city in the French part of Canada. It has this famous cathedral
that is a replica of the Notre Dame in Paris – everyone kept telling us that’s where
Céline Dion got married.

The city has wonderful architecture and those cobblestones… And life happens on
the streets, which I really enjoyed because in South Africa everyone’s so in love with
malls. I found it so cool seeing people out on the street and walking. Being there for
the festival was a rush. It’s the biggest comedy festival in the world – everyone in

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THE COMEDY TRAIL EXPLORE

Interview: Biénne Huisman, Pictures: Sven Kristian, R.M. Nunes/istock.com, the industry goes there to sign a TV deal. People had been partying all day, So I took my cellphone out of my pocket
Dominiquedelacroix/istock.com, bakerjarvis/istock.com, deal. That’s where Trevor performed drinking all day. They were airing the and I took out my wallet. And I literally
LUNAMARINA/istock.com when he got The Daily Show; you have show live across the United States; and sat in that seat and I peed myself.
TV execs there, people from Netflix, so we had to be there early and were told I sat like that for about 10 minutes, all
it’s the catapult to everyone’s career. we couldn’t move out of our seats. It was warm and uncomfortable. So eventually
And, of course, you see everyone you all going very well, but then I needed to they said, ‘Okay cool guys, it’s a wrap,
grew up admiring in the same space as pee really badly – as in, it has to be done you can leave.’ And I got up, walked
you. Anyway, so everything was going right now! There was an interval of one straight to my hotel, showered, put
great; I was meeting all these amazing minute during which I tried to run to the on new clothes and went straight back
people – people like Whoopi Goldberg. bathroom. But this lady with earphones to the after-party like nothing had
At some point, we got these VIP tickets stopped me and told me, ‘You gotta go happened. Everybody was like, ‘Yo, did
to the live recording of Roast Battle, back, if you don’t go back you’re going you change?’ And I was like, ‘No, no, this
with seats right behind Sarah Silverman, to mess up the shot.’ So I went back and is what I wore all day.’ I obviously got
who was a judge. It was the last night sat in my seat and there was nothing away with it, because I was invited back
of the festival and this show was a big I could do and it was getting really bad. the next year!

kulula.com MAY 2019 65



HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTESS EXPLORE

Lesley Stones
meets an airborne
heroine who has
gone the distance
and then some

CABIN

kulula.com MAY 2019 67

F light attendant Marion Fernandes 'The girls had to do class where they carved meat because
must be addicted to cabin air. the girly jobs – we that wasn’t ladylike – we could pour tea
She’s been breathing it in for could pour the hot and coffee but we couldn’t pour booze or
50 years, and if you look up the aisle right beverages but we cut up roasts.’
now, you might just see her smiling back weren’t allowed to
at you. push a bar trolley Marion has been with Comair for 20
because that was years, after serving close on 30 years with
Marion is Africa’s longest-serving crew the national airline back in the days when it
member, but sadly has to retire because too heavy.' flew to almost 40 cities – and she covered
she turns 68 in July, three years beyond them all. ‘We didn’t have television then,
Comair’s official retirement age. ‘I’d stay and she pushed for other changes too, and we travelled the world and came
until I was 80 if I could,’ she sighs. becoming the first female cabin controller, back with amazing reports from overseas
a job previously reserved for men. ‘I had to talking about the food and the culture of
Her last flight on July 17 will be an really fight for that,’ she remembers. ‘The these countries.’
emotional experience, since it’s been girls had to do the girly jobs – we could pour
a journey like no other. She can have you the hot beverages but we weren’t allowed
laughing, then almost crying, with five to push a bar trolley because that was too
decades of memories, seeing the best heavy. We weren’t allowed to be in first
and the worst of people, the glamour and
the slog, and insights into aviation in days
gone by.

When she started in 1969, air hostesses
were chosen for their beauty rather than
their brains, although Marion still has both.

You might not have noticed, but when the
ladies greet you at the cabin door, they’re
wearing heels. Once they’re in the air, they’re
wearing flatties. ‘When I first started, flying
was so glamorous that they said, “Sit on the
jump seat with your legs crossed because
it makes your legs look longer”. Now you
have to sit with your feet on the floor in flat
shoes so you’re raring to go in the event of
an emergency,’ she says.

Marion never wanted to be anything
except an air hostess. ‘My dad used to travel
an awful lot and we’d go to the airport with
him, and I’d see these air hostesses with
their beehive hairstyles and they looked
so glamorous. My dad said they’re so
kind because they look after people and
I thought, “What an amazing job. You can do
all these kind things and see the world at
the same time.” It sounded like a bargain!’

Marion was the first attendant who wore
glasses ever hired by the national carrier,

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HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTESS EXPLORE

Flights weren’t very frequent either, with passengers. ‘People are stressed when “oh, that was a funeral hat” – I really put
so the crew often had several days off in they fly for whatever reason, and it’s nice both feet in it!’
each city until the flight home. Marion’s to pick up if somebody is sad or if they’re
cruised up the Rhine from Frankfurt, taken happy and get into their world for a while,’ Some passengers become far too
the bullet train in Tokyo, explored the she says. friendly, especially after a drink or two,
mountains in Portugal and led a gang of and often hit on the hostesses. What they
air hostesses into the Australian outback But efforts to make small talk with put up with in the old days would never
in a Kombi, which conjures up images of Winnie Mandela just before a Durban July be allowed today, Marion says. ‘You’d just
Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. ‘That fine red didn’t go well. ‘Winnie got on board with have to very firmly hit a passenger’s hand
sand gets everywhere,’ she remembers. this great big black hat with yellow and and say, “Don’t you dare!” If what happened
green stripes, very ANC colours, and I said, in those days happened today, there’d be
The attendants are busier on domestic “That’s a lovely hat for the Durban July!” a court case every week.’
flights compared to leisurely long-haul but she gave me this glare. That night she
flights, but she still makes time to interact was on the TV at a funeral and I thought The infamous Mile High Club is a real
thing too, and it’s often best to turn

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EXPLORE HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTESS

a blind eye if a couple locks themselves
in the toilet, says Marion. Once though,
a public display of affection – starring
a couple too enamoured to even bother
going to the toilet cubicle – became too
steamy to tolerate. ‘The male cabin
controller was too embarrassed to
intervene, so he called me over and told me
to speak to them. So there I was politely
tapping one of them on the shoulder, saying
“Excuse me, you mustn’t do that” and the
two loved-up girls in question just said,
“Oh, okay!” and got dressed again. They
must have been thinking, “Shame, this
poor woman is so embarrassed.” And, if I’m
honest, I was!’

Which reminds me to ask Marion if
she’s ever fallen in love with a pilot – and,
if so, how many? ‘Oh,’ she laughs. ‘No, that
would be telling. We had a wonderful chief
hostess who taught us such good advice.
She said don’t be impressed if a pilot calls
you “darling” – he’s probably just forgotten
your name.’

CHANGES IN THE AIR: SMOOTHER, SLEEKER AND LESS SEXIST Pictures: Sven Kristian

Flying in the old days could be a bouncy experience, says Marion Fernandes, the continent’s longest-serving ight attendant, who has
been in the air since 1969. ‘I started ying on Hawker Siddeleys, which were noisy, bumpy little planes and half the passengers
would get sick, so you really were there to tend to unwell passengers. Every generation of plane has gotten quieter, smoother

and larger, so today it’s usually just nerves and alcohol if people are sick!’
e arrival of cellphones and social media changed the cabin atmosphere enormously. Celebrities who used to befriend attendants to pass

the time are now engrossed with their devices, and nobody needs to ask for advice on what to see and do in each city.
‘I suppose we were a walking Google in those days. We were well travelled and knew all the things to do and the best restaurants.
People don’t talk to you like that anymore. ey don’t need your advice on where to go or where to eat, or the best bus or train to catch.’
Another big change has been less sexism. Years ago, air hostesses were weighed every day. ‘ ey used to work out our bone
structure to say whether you’re small, medium or big boned and what your weight should be. We didn’t have words like anorexia
or bulimia, but I wonder how many of those poor girls were anorexic because if your weight was teetering on the maximum you

had to cut out your food or you’d be grounded.’
Today’s training focuses far more on safety than on looks. ‘Now we have teachers for self-defence and security, so I’ve gone from being this
glamorous hostess to learning how to subdue a passenger. I don’t know if that’s such a good thing – I could use it inadvertently!’ she jokes.
In the darker days, cabin attendants weren’t permitted to wed. ‘If we got married, we had to leave the airline. By the time they relaxed
that rule, we were all a bit set in our ways. You’d get into a relationship and the guy would say, “It’s the airline or me!” You’d think,

I love the airline but there’s no guarantee this relationship will last. And so the airline won every time.’

70 MAY 2019 kulula.com





A MOMENT IN TIME EXPLORE

Serendipity

Darrel Bristow-Bovey has a
lucky brush with destiny. But is
it love or lust or simply a random
twinkle in the eye of time?

Pictures: xxxxxxx

kulula.com MAY 2019 73

I was standing near a beautiful we’re sufficiently alert and attuned to the
woman on the banks of a dry world to recognise them.
riverbed, just the two of us, a little
way apart, watching a gang of As I stood there, I thought about how
barefoot children playing cricket, and I was much serendipity went into creating this
trying to think of something to say to her moment: a beautiful stranger; a crimson
that wouldn’t seem creepy. I say she was sunset; the Taj Mahal; a group of happy
beautiful but that’s not enough: she was children; a flight of storks passing to their
impossibly, perfectly beautiful, the most evening roost, white wings washed red and
beautiful woman I had ever seen. She had gold in the last light; the day’s heat easing
smiled at me once but we hadn’t spoken. to giddy coolness, and now – gifted from
I wasn’t even sure she knew English. the universe – a small, sweet child giving
me the perfect opening line.
Beyond the kids playing cricket, the sun
was setting red behind the Taj Mahal, the ‘I don’t know,’ I said to the kid, then
world’s greatest marble monument to turned to the beautiful stranger with my
love, the white gleaming declaration of best smile, hoping I didn’t have spinach
Shah Jahan’s unending adoration of his stuck in my teeth from that palak paneer
lovely wife Mumtaz: a teardrop, the poet at lunch. ‘What is your name?’ I asked.
Rabindranath Tagore said, trembling on
the cheek of time. She laughed and said, ‘I am Valentina.’
Could there have been a more perfect
I glanced at the woman on the bank name? She was Slovenian but spoke
beside me. Soon it would grow dark and perfect English, lightly accented the way
she would turn away into the dusk and a chilled Sauvignon Blanc on a hot day
disappear forever. I had to say something tastes like lightly flavoured sunshine. She
to her, but what? What?! was travelling through India on her own,
wearing traditional dress to discourage
Then one of the kids wandered up. He unwelcome attention.
was maybe eight years old and even he ‘Please,’ I said, ‘tell me if this attention
could see that this was the world’s most is unwelcome.’
beautiful woman. He stared at her, his ‘It’s very welcome,’ she said. Her eyes
mouth hanging open. I thought, ‘You’re not were a clear, bright green.
wrong, kid!’ She told me she was studying for
a Masters in English literature. Her great
He stared at her some more, and then interest was South African literature.
he turned to me and said loudly: ‘What is I stared at her. ‘I’m from South Africa.’
your wife’s name?’ I said.
‘My favourite writer is J.M. Coetzee,’
And that’s when I realised that I’d been she said.
searching for this moment all my life. ‘J.M. Coetzee supervised part of my
Masters degree,’ I said.
One of the reasons we travel is to She stared at me and I stared at her.
find those moments that never happen I heard the distant thrum of traffic and
at home – those points at which all a cheer from the kids as a wicket fell.
the strands of experience momentarily She must have wondered if I was lying. I
intersect: beauty and strangeness and was definitely wondering if she was lying,
luck and timing and wonder and magic because surely J.M. Coetzee is no-one’s
and grace, all touching at the same time.
Or perhaps those moments do happen at
home, but it’s only when we travel that

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A MOMENT IN TIME EXPLORE

Pictures: xxxxxxx favourite author. And then we both knew that
the other was telling the truth, and that we had
somehow fallen into a fairy tale of serendipity.

It was a dream. We talked about books and
travelling and being lonely and looking for
connection in a world full of strangers. She
laughed at my jokes and I laughed at hers.
She told me that she was leaving on a bus to
Fatehpuh Sikri early in the morning, so she
was eating dinner at the Kamal restaurant and
staying in a cheap hotel near the bus station.
I told her that my camera crew and I were
leaving early in the morning for Delhi, and
then home. Now it was a bad dream: we might
never see each other again.

The crew had wrapped and had to leave
for the hotel. We shook hands goodbye and
her hand was slim and cool and her green
eyes caught every particle of sunlight still
drifting through the dusk. I walked dazed to
the minibus, and stared at the traffic with
unseeing eyes.

What did it mean to have met such
a person in such a way at such a moment?
Think of everything that needed to align,
to coincide, to coalesce. What luck, what
serendipity was this? How could it not
mean something? How could it not mean
everything? Surely this was the most
important moment in my life yet here I was
in a minibus in rush-hour Agra traffic, inching
further and further away from my destiny.

The hotel was a couple of kilometres away,
which means 90 minutes in Indian traffic.
As soon as we arrived I ran back out into the
street and waved down a tuk-tuk. ‘Take me to
Kamal restaurant!’ I gasped. ‘Hurry!’

‘There are three Kamal restaurants,’ said
my driver.

‘Take me to all of them!’
My driver’s name was Rajiv, and I think
he was 14 years old. He was a man who
understood fate and necessity. When
I explained what was happening, his face lit up
like a leading man in Bollywood hearing the

kulula.com MAY 2019 75

EXPLORE A MOMENT IN TIME music for the happy ending. ‘Yes!’ he said. I wanted to give up. There is only so Pictures: progat/istockphoto.com, byheaven/istockphoto.com, guillermo1956/istockphoto.com, javarman3/istockphoto.com,
‘We must find her!’ much you can do in pursuit of your buntykochar/istockphoto.com, Travel Wild/istockphoto.com, cascoly/istockphoto.com,
76 MAY 2019 own destiny. But then I remembered
He gave a whoop and steered us the extraordinary serendipity of that
straight into the oncoming traffic, which meeting, the perfection and symmetry
parted around us, honking and hooting of it. I thought of the story we would tell
and yelling. We were like a salmon our grandchildren.
swimming up a river of metal.
An hour later, exhausted, hopeless,
‘Rajiv!’ I shouted. ‘We’re on the wrong lurching like a zombie, I heaved my
side of the road!’ way into the umpteenth shabby hotel
lobby. It was dark and narrow and the
‘Quicker like this!’ he yelled over receptionist was a tall gentleman with
his shoulder. kind eyes and a moustache like a pair of
ragged sheep.
It was all a loud roar of headlights and
horns, the dark night, the rush of fear. ‘I’m looking for a guest,’ I mumbled.
‘We will find her!’ shouted Rajiv. ‘Or we ‘She’s Slovenian, with eyes like sunshine
will die trying!’ sparkling on a green sea…’

‘No dying!’ I yelled. He waggled his moustache and looked
‘We find her!’ shouted Rajiv. pointedly over my shoulder. I turned.
I closed my eyes and felt the hot
metallic night air on my face and ‘I knew you would find me,’ she said.
surrendered myself to a universe that Shyly, we went to the bar next to the
seemed to know better than I. hotel. I bought a beer and she had
‘Kamal restaurant!’ yelled Rajiv, 45 a Coke. We sat and I looked into her eyes
minutes later. and she looked into mine, both silently
I ran in. I ran out. We plunged back into marvelling that our lives had brought
the traffic. us to this place. And just like that, at the
Forty minutes later I ran into the same time, we realised that actually we
second Kamal restaurant. Also empty. didn’t have a thing to say to each other.
Rajiv’s jaw set with determination. I suppose moments of perfection
Half an hour later I ran sweating into are perfect precisely because they are
the third restaurant. The waiter said moments. Serendipity is magic enough
there had been a European woman in – we ask for longevity too? We sat an
a headscarf who ate at the window table. awkward half-hour, making small talk at
I searched the table for a clue. Had she first and then lapsing into uncomfortable
wistfully carved her cellphone number silence, and then I said I’d better get
into the tabletop with her fork? Written going, and she said yes, she’d better get
her email address in lipstick on the going too because she had an early start,
window? Nothing. and we shook hands again, but it wasn’t
I’d failed. electric this time and then I went back
But wait! out to Rajiv, who was still waiting with
‘Rajiv! Is there a low-cost hotel near his tuk-tuk.
the bus terminus?’ ‘Yes?’ he said eagerly. ‘Yes?!’
Rajiv looked at me fearfully. There Then he saw my face, and he became
were at least 200 low-cost hotels near solemn and nodded thoughtfully.
the bus terminus. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘it was an adventure.’
After the sixth or seventh hotel,

kulula.com



Instructions HOMEMADE

1. Chop onion finely and mix all ingredients. pizza sauce
2. Let it stand while you prepare your dough.
We used Orgran’s Pizza & Pastry Mix
flour for a gluten-free pizza, and it couldn’t
be easier — you simply add water.

It’s available from health shops as well
as Dischem.

The trick to a delicious pizza sauce (the
most important part of the pizza!) is to
sweeten it just a touch.

We used our SugarFree Natura Diet Sugar.

ingredients

1 shallot onion
half a tube of chili flavoured tomato paste
2 cups of pureed tomato sauce
1 tsp of SugarFree Natura Diet Sugar

PEANUT BUTTER &
CHOC CHIP COOKIES

ingredients

1¹/² cups of flour
(you can use gluten-free flour)
¹/² cup of SugarFree Natura Diet Sugar
3 heaped Tbsp smooth sugar-free
peanut butter
3 Tbsp melted butter 
2 medium eggs
1 tsp vanilla essence
¹/² cup cacao chips 

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 190 degrees
2. Mix dry ingredients in mixing bowl with a whisk
3. Add eggs, melted butter, peanut butter and vanilla

essence and blend well with a mixer
4. Add cacao chips and blend well with a mixer
5. Lightly grease a baking tray
6. Roll small round balls of mixture and place on

the baking tray
7. Use a knife to score the middle of the cookies

— this creates the burst open look when baking
8. Bake for  about 12 to 15 mins (until golden brown)
9. Remove from oven and allow to stand for

a few minutes 
10. Remove from baking tray

HAPPENSTANCE

Who knows
where you
might end up…

80 MAY 2019 kulula.com

TWISTS OF FATE EXPLORE

ROUTE 66

1

GET YOUR KICKS places like Seligman and its famous
café. And Hackberry, a ramshackle
As I sat nursing bottomless coffee in pickup truck graveyard attached to
Seligman’s world-famous Roadkill a gas station-cum-general store
Café, much of what had gone down in with a museum of crazy road signs,
Vegas remained a blur, like I’d woken animal skulls pinned to wooden
from a bad dream or fallen victim to posts, and quirky artworks made
a curse. I was glad – and lucky – to from highway junk.
have slipped out of Sin City in one
piece, escaping east along the I spent a night in Williams, the last
scattered remains of Route 66 Route 66 town to be bypassed by
instead of waking up in an ice bath Interstate 40, and the town nearest
having sold a kidney to finance the Grand Canyon. Founded in the
another losing streak. Gambling
and me don’t mix very well. 1800s, Williams is fringed by
ponderosa pine forest and
Feeling miserable and lined with reminders of its
poor, I exited the café and ‘Mother Road’ heyday –
scanned the horizon to soda fountains and Elvis-era
the east. In front of me, diners, flashing neon signs,
I imagined Route 66 vintage storefronts, and
unfolding like a preserved film a strip of cheap motels.
set dotted with one-horse towns,
remnants of a time when this In the morning, I drove an hour
4 000km road linking LA with north to the Canyon’s South Rim –
Chicago was a symbol of the American I arrived early enough to gawp as
Dream. Here, in Northern Arizona the first rays of sunlight poured into
were its best bits. Decommissioned the river-carved abyss throwing
in the 1980s, Highway 66 – the its crags and sheer cliffs into
‘Main Street of America’ – started sharp relief. Striated bands of rock
disappearing from maps when it was formed intricate patterns, giving the
bypassed by Interstate highways. Yet, vast, deep canyon walls a layered,
still today, a few navigable stretches painterly look that seemed beyond
of old asphalt remain, linking curious science or geology – a three-
and unconventional places, most of dimensional artwork on a scale
them almost entirely transformed beyond imagination. I stared and
into Route 66 shrines – vintage gawked and craned my neck until
storefronts, 1940s gas stations, I realised I was holding my breath
motels that feel like museums, and trying to wrap my head around the
time and force required to carve

kulula.com MAY 2019 81

EXPLORE TWISTS OF FATE

something this vast out of solid rock. badlands of the Painted Desert, named totem poles and admire scores of
Eventually, I dragged myself south for the pastel shades – orange, lavender, sandstone buttes (like those pictured
grey, pink – and vivid reds that make its above) set against the sweeping
to see the New Age town of Sedona. hills and mesas and eerily pockmarked sagebrush – this is what true frontier
Built amidst gigantic red boulders, the plains look as though they’ve been country looks and feels like. I spent the
town is said to be charged by a special rendered by an artist’s brushstrokes. night at the park’s smart sunrise-facing
force because its location is at the hotel, and in the morning watched the
convergence of powerful energetic Then I turned around and drove towering rock formations burn red and
vortices. Yes, it’s full of hippies and back west, to Monument Valley on the orange and gold as the sun rose above
seekers – when I slinked into one organic Arizona-Utah border where mesas and the valley before I continued north into
café, I found myself eavesdropping on buttes rise from the dusty desert like Utah searching Mormon hospitality
conversations about crystal healing and gigantic sculptures. Part of a semi- and visiting the countless canyons of
colonic irrigation. But it was naturally autonomous territory belonging to the Canyonlands National Park and all the
beautiful and I spent hours walking along Navajo Nation, this 30 000-acre tribal awesome arches of Arches National
trails that weaved through its red-hued park encompasses lands held sacred Park, home to the largest concentration
rock mounds with names like Coffeepot, to people who have lived there since of natural sandstone arches on earth.
Cathedral and Thunder Mountain. time immemorial. It encompasses My anti-clockwise circular trip through
some of the most recognisable scenes Utah landed me at Zion National
Back on 66, I passed the remnants from American popular culture such Park, one of America’s most popular
of ambitiously-named Meteor City, now as towering rock formations that were outdoor places where dazzling Navajo
nothing more than a derelict trading backdrops in that most iconic John sandstone edifices are christened with
store, and whipped through Winslow, Wayne cowboy western, Stagecoach. such nicknames as ‘Weeping Rock’, ‘The
another Wild West-era town that never Three Patriarchs,’ and ‘Angels Landing’,
quite achieved its stated ambition of I drove Monument Valley’s 27-km each chiselled away by the elements
becoming one of the US’s biggest cities. circular dirt road, stopping frequently over millions of years.
to ogle monoliths soaring up from the
Farther east, in Arizona’s remote bone-dry red sandy desert like gigantic From Zion, it was a short drive across
northeast, I discovered the barren the Nevada border back to the pulsing
energy of Vegas. Now all I had to do was
dodge the casinos en route to the airport.
– Keith Bain

82 MAY 2019 kulula.com





TWISTS OF FATE EXPLORE

EASTERN PROMISES since the 19th century and forms the
backbone of the economy. The Cotai
Neon billboards, fake pyramids, Strip is Macau’s answer to the Vegas
Strip. Although it’s much smaller than its
circus freaks, face tattoos, Elvis famed cousin, it is home to the Venetian
Macao – the world’s largest casino – and
chapels, lizard orgies… Touching a host of other garish, money-gobbling
behemoths jostling for attention. In
down in Macau – the ‘Vegas of the fact, Macau generates twice the annual
gambling revenue of Vegas.
East’ – I was ready for it all. So it was
After nearly swallowing my tongue
apt, I suppose, that the hotel I was staying at the minimum price of chips in most
establishments, I dropped a few coins
in appeared to harbour a brothel in its into a slot machine, got bored and took
a walk up the strip. It was less weird than
basement. I couldn’t be sure, but the I hoped, less psychedelic and charged
with madness. But then, at the top of the
lit-up pictures of scantily unclad women strip, where the road meets the Rotunda
do Istmo, I turned right past the City of
and the stern remonstration from the Dreams complex and glimpsed something
quite weird: the Morpheus (pictured left).
neckless doorman when I tried to take Designed by the late, famed architect
Zaha Hadid, the Morpheus hotel is
a photograph seemed evidence enough. a rectangular monolith of glass wrapped
in a geometric exoskeleton, with three
Still, it could’ve been worse. With asymmetric holes punched through the
middle, like plastic warped by flame.
667 400 people crammed onto a couple On a strip of so much garish without
the nightmarish, it offered a tantalising
of wedges of land totalling just 30.4km2, glimpse of the bizarre. I can only imagine
what that basement brothel looks like.
it’s the world’s most densely 2 – Anthony Sharpe
populated ‘region’ (it’s not a country,
but a special administrative region of MACAU
China). That density is evident walking
among the hideous grey-brown high-

rise apartments soaring up towards the manicured, leafy parks. Hundreds of

stratosphere along the Chinese border, years of Portuguese occupation have

buildings so tall they seem to cluster left pockets of beautiful architecture,

together and block out the sky. It’s less so with a surprising number of well-

in the charming village of Coloane on the preserved chapels and cathedrals, and

southern tip of the region, where I strolled the striking Ruins of St Paul’s – the

for hours among rickety wooden houses intricately carved stone façade (pictured

perched atop stilts along the coast, vast above, top) all that remains, standing

Chinese cemeteries sprawling across alone like a backdrop on a movie set.

hillsides, paved squares overlooking onto But most folk don’t come here to pray.

the bay, and paths winding down through Gambling has been legal in the region

kulula.com MAY 2019 85

GO UNDERGROUND

In Italy’s deep south, Matera is among the most unusual towns on
earth. It’s just an hour from the airport in the city of Bari, and yet by the
time I was safely checked into my private grotto, I had time travelled
at least two millennia. To reach my cave hotel, I had followed the signs
marked ‘Sassi’ (Italian for ‘stones’) and descended into an ancient
district where some 1 500 troglodytic dwellings have been carved out
of the soft flanks of a vast, steep ravine. It’s a scene straight out of
biblical times. So much so, in fact, that Mel Gibson shot The Passion of
the Christ here. And, decades before, Pier Paolo Pasolini had used this
district as the setting for The Gospel According to St Matthew.

Matera in fact boasts a history of habitation going back 9 000 years,
making it among the world’s oldest continually occupied cities.

My hotel was essentially a collection of these ancient cave
dwellings handsomely converted into chic quarters, fitted with modern
conveniences such as plumbing, electricity, heating and ventilation
systems to counter the subterranean humidity.

Each modified sassi also dutifully preserves the honey-coloured
natural stone of its exposed, rough-hewn rock surfaces, and keeps

86 MAY 2019 kulula.com

TWISTS OF FATE EXPLORE

intact the ancient archways and original
spaces that might have been home to
our Palaeolithic ancestors – and also to
peasants living here right up until 1960.

Although many of these caves are
now smartly decked out (my hotel even
had an underground swimming pool), there
was a period just after World War II when
this ancient warren of sassi became
la vergogna nazionale – ‘the disgrace of
the nation’ – thanks to the publication
of a scathing memoir that exposed the
awful, impoverished, malaria-infested
conditions that existed here. It prompted
the Italian government to build a new
town above the ancient city and forcibly
relocate the entire 16 000-strong
population. It left the ancient district
deserted and derelict until, in 1993,
it was designated a UNESCO World
Heritage Site.

Local entrepreneurs who wanted to
reclaim their heritage began inventively
transforming old cave-houses, not
just reviving them as basic homes, but
installing modern technologies and
transforming the spaces into the slick
hotels, restaurants, galleries, cafés, bars,
and even cave clubs that are here today.

Around 150 cave churches dot the
ravine including the Byzantine-era Crypt
of the Original Sin, a cavern with such
incredible frescoes that it’s been dubbed
the ‘Sistine Chapel of cave art’.

It’s a weird enough place by day, but
at night, as you roam the eerie, ancient
lanes and dirt paths, you use moonlight
and the ghostly whispers of the past to
navigate back to your cave. And there,
as you disappear through a doorway
into the bowels of the earth, it’s easy
to imagine yourself a fully-fledged
troglodyte. – Ethan Pitt

kulula.com MAY 2019 87

4

HAVE A HIGHLAND FLING of the 113m-high waterfall, tumbling in WAY DOWN SOUTH 5
two great leaps down, down, down…
Our first morning in the Northwest L'Agulhas is Africa's southernmost L'AGULHAS
Highlands brought extravagant views The flying bleeders left us in peace town, with a tall red-and-white
of silvery Loch Alsh, the iconic the next day as we wandered alone lighthouse chaperoning the point where
13th-century castle Eilean Donan through the evocative, dank ruins of the Indian and Atlantic oceans meet.
(pictured), craggy mountains and the the Glenelg Iron-Age brochs which Out to sea, some 150 shipwrecks
fey island of Skye, all draped in are scattered across treacherous
a magically misty rain. But levelheaded archaeologists reefs, the most famous perhaps the
instead of admiring this speculate were constructed HMS Birkenhead, wrecked in 1852. In
wild show from the loch’s to defend against Norse summer, the small town’s main street
banks, we were hiding out marauders. Myth has it these bustles over weekends. There are
in our secluded cottage, dark stone fortresses were a handful of restaurants and one grocery
noses pressed up against the built by the witch Grugaig’s shop – the type that sells everything
window, debating whether it was giant sons, Telve and Troddan. from superglue to cinnamon buns, with
too early to start on the brown stuff. It was pure happenstance that popular products flying off shelves fast.
For outside, a swarm of midges – The coast is rocky with a seaside caravan
Meanbh-chuileag in Gaelic (pronounced we later stumbled upon the picturesque park, and a pathway offering lovely walks;
‘menev xulag’) – was on the hunt for village of Plockton perched on Loch two large tidal pools offer respite against
a blood sacrifice. Carron. As we glided past a wooded islet the heat, with swimming-capped water
on the crystal loch, our boat captain enthusiasts splashing from early in the
Luckily, the wee beasties bugged off revealed that it served as the inspiration day. Inland, holiday homes are scattered
the next day and, lubricated from head for Peter Pan author J.M. Barrie’s island, against the foot of a small mountain
to toe in the sickly sweet oil that Royal Neverland. Often the Highlands felt like swathed in fynbos, with eagles soaring
Marines use to combat the miniscule this fantastical land that time forgot, overhead. Sunset is well paired with
menaces, we packed our midge-proof where mythical creatures and high tipple from local gin distillery Southern
head nets to trek to the remote Falls adventure reign. From its savage insects Cross, with its floral notes and hints of
of Glomach. Unassaulted, we tramped and wavy-coated, long-horned Heilan fresh citrus and spices. For long swathes
through sun-dappled forests, boggy coos to its schizophrenic weather and of sandy beach, drive to Struisbaai, five
moors and vertiginous valleys with dramatic landscapes, this is nature at its minutes away. Here at the harbour,
Munro A’Ghlas-bheinn looming over us. most theatrical and serendipitous. For fishermen sell yellowtail fresh off
every discomfort it challenges you with, their boats; look out for the area’s
As we approached Bealach na Sroine it rewards you tenfold with arresting most extraordinary resident: Parrie
(‘the pass of the nose’), weirdly silent, scenery, a deep, often violent history and the Stingray. Indeed, the small bay is
dotty flies suddenly descended on us. folklore, and complete solitude, leaving home to around six tame stingrays who
The ill-famed cleg! Piercing our fragrant you feeling peacefully insignificant. float languidly metres away from beach
armour with their pincers, the loathsome – Carla Hüsselmann revellers. If you are in luck, you’ll catch
horseflies scurried down our backs. sight of Ernest Lonsdale perched ankle-
There wasn’t a soul to hear our curses deep in the water, feeding the stingrays
and yelps, as we pranced around in our and patting them on the head. Ernest
own crazed version of the Highland fling, is known as South Africa’s ‘Stingray
trying not to plummet into a fathomless
gorge. Soon though, these creeps were
forgotten in the thunderous grandeur

NW HIGHLANDS kulula.com

88 MAY 2019

TWISTS OF FATE EXPLORE

a subterranean art gallery, and the

world’s strangest golf course which is

entirely grass-free and mostly played

after dark, with glowing balls. Golfers

carry bits of turf for teeing off.

As with many outposts, Coober

Pedy attracted its fair share of curious

characters. Many were fortune seekers

from foreign lands – and many did not

find their fortunes. I visited a cave that

Whisperer’. Crowds gather on the jetty resembles nothing on earth – the town’s was once the home of a handsome hermit
to watch him work his magic. ‘They
bump against you, the stingrays, telling first tree was a scrap iron sculpture. who became world famous as
you that they want food, like dogs,’ says
Ernest. The title ‘Stingray Whisperer’ There are leftovers from Mad Max: a stud who magically lured women
was coined by an American tourist, and
it stuck. ‘It was a woman from Montana,’ Beyond Thunderdome and the spaceship into amorous affairs. Over the years,
recalls Ernest. ‘She was like, “Look at
that man, a stingray whisperer!” She was from Vin Diesel’s Pitch Black lies next to he assembled a trove of memorabilia
really loud and everyone could hear, so
from then on I was known as just that.’  the main street. of his conquests – panties, love-letters,
– Biénne Huisman
Coober Pedy and candid

erupted into photographs.

existence after the It’s surely one

discovery of an of the weirdest

opal motherlode museums

in 1915; the on earth.

ensuing rush It got weirder,

SEARCHING FOR 6 transformed it though. One day
BURIED TREASURE
into a 20th century I joined the Mail

Twenty-odd years ago, when the boomtown Run, a 12-hour

drag queens in Priscilla, Queen of the optimistically tour that doubles

Desert chanced upon an Outback nicknamed ‘Opal Capital of the World’. as a postal delivery service, dropping mail

backwater called Coober Pedy, Aboriginals called it kupa piti, which at some of the most remote and random

Pictures: Keith Bain, Carla Hüsselmann, Supplied, Freeartist/istock.com, I knew I had to see it for myself. In that literally means ‘whitefella quarry’, locations on the planet. We visited
MousePotato/istock.com
film, the town’s rough residents were a fitting description for a place feverish a homestead on the world’s largest

depicted as hard-drinkers and lousy with burrowing miners, and the anglicised cattle station, and we drove alongside

arm-wrestlers, but I knew it had to version of the name stuck. the world’s longest manmade structure,

be something more. Today, the most bizarre thing about a 5 300km Dog Fence erected to protect

Tucked within South Australia’s vast Coober Pedy is that so much of it is hidden sheep from dingoes. We visited faraway

gibber plains, amidst red sand hills and – since summer temperatures nudge the places with names like Oodnadatta and

a 120-million-year-old inland seabed mercury well above 40°C, most people William Creek. The latter, once a busy

studded with opalised dinosaur and live underground, in cave-like ‘dugouts’ railway post, is now Australia’s smallest

marine fossils, this strange speck in fitted with everything you might imagine town (official population: 10), located not

the desert between Adelaide and in a modern home. Except air-conditioning, far from former nuclear testing grounds.

Alice Springs is like stumbling because below-ground temperatures Its diner-style pub served us kangaroo

onto a post-apocalyptic remain constant year-round. burgers and decent coffee – sustenance

movie set. Many sci-fi films It’s consequently packed with for the long drive back to Coober Pedy

have in fact been shot astonishing treasures – there’s where I could not find one person willing
an underground church, to arm-wrestle me. – Keith Bain
here, because visually it

kulula.com COOBER PEDY MAY 2019 89

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take me home please March 2019

take me home please April 2019

THE Gilli Apter in…

BORING
ISSUE
with Riaad Moosa

FOR THE MENU see pages 4 & 5
PICASSO HEADLINE
FOR THE MENU see pages 4 & 5
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2019/01/16 11:04 AM 87
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3/20/19 9:28 AM

Khuluma-Feb.indd 2

THEY CALLED IT WHAT? EXPLORE

ART OF DUPLICITY

In Cape Town, hidden behind an artisanal coffee shop, this glamorous
speakeasy-style bar trades on being hush-hush, so you have to work
a bit to find it. To cross its threshold is to step into a bygone era, time-

tripping back to the Roaring Twenties, to a time when Mae West’s
tawdry double entendres were at their most piquant and anything
alcoholic had to be served on the sly. On Wednesdays, Fridays, and
Saturdays, you can enjoy inventive cocktails against a backdrop of live
jazz. You need to book, though, in order to learn the secret location – and

then dress the part, for heaven’s sake! 170120.co.za

Never mind what’s MAY 2019 91
on the menu… We
wanted to know how
they came up with their
names. So we sent super-
curious Thea Beckman to dig
out the tales of origin for 26 eating
establishments. Some turned out
to be more random than others…

kulula.com

BOBO’S BRASSERIE

In French, bobo (from bourgeois-bohemian) is the slang
term for hipster, a social class of well-to-do professionals

who harbour a curious zeal for the arts, being different,
and wearing suspenders and loud socks. With sea views

from a prime spot in Cape Town’s Mouille Point, this
Bobo’s is a soul-warming, arty-chic bistro that is French
in food tradition but hipster in innovation and attitude.

bobosbrasserie.co.za

CABRÓN TACO BAR

A rambunctious hole-in-the-wall Mexican eatery on Cape Town’s Bree
Street, Cabrón is unapologetically awesome and a little rough around the
edges; hence a name that means ‘bastard’ in Spanish slang. The menu
delivers honest and simple Mexican cuisine without the Montezuma’s
revenge – plus refreshing margaritas, and a decent variety of tequilas. It’s
super-casual and the party usually spills onto the pavement. cabron.co.za

DUKKAH EIKE BY BERTUS BASSON

Named for a rich spice, seed, and nut blend Stellenbosch was once known as the Eikestad
divined from the Arabic word meaning ‘to pound’, (city of oaks) because of the towering oak trees
that proliferate in this neck of the woods, pun
this Durban restaurant on Florida Road pays intended. Chef Bertus Basson named his latest
homage to the spice route along Africa’s east venture for this history. Occupying a stunning
coast. From Nairobi’s Maasai markets to Durban’s heritage building just off Dorp Street, the kitchen
melange of cultures and cuisines and hot Indian deliciously reimagines traditional favourites,
curries, you’ll find plenty of rich and flavourful such as plankievleis and lamb bobotie.
bertusbasson.com
dishes on the menu. dukkah.co.za
kulula.com
92 MAY 2019

THEY CALLED IT WHAT? EXPLORE

FORK ’N CLEAVER

Within the sweeping emerald
expanse of Netherwood Farm in
the KwaZulu-Natal Midlands,
where cattle frolic freely and
vegetables grow in perfectly
fecund soils, this is a true
farm-to-fork restaurant served
by a dedicated hormone-free
butchery. The cleaver may
refer to what’s done with the
meat, but if you say the name
quickly, you’ll know just how
fork ’n clever it really is.
netherwoodfarm.com/food

GÅTE AT QUOIN ROCK

A logo inspired by a maze, a menu designed as a puzzle, and an experience that
defies expectations: Gåte means ‘riddle’ in Norwegian, a nod to the Scandinavian
heritage of former chef Rikku Ò’Donnchü (say that three times fast). Located at
Quoin Rock Wine Estate just outside Stellenbosch, Gåte isn’t just a restaurant; it’s
food theatre that keeps diners perpetually perplexed in the most exquisite way
possible. gaterestaurant.co.za

HER HARVEST

It might not be a restaurant, but you’ll find
abundant nourishment at this agricultural
estate on Highlands Road in the Elgin Valley.
The ‘Her’ in question is Clare Kuiper, who was
born and raised on Rosenhof Farm which is
where she now grows and harvests organic
fruits, herbs, and vegetables. Aside from
picking up your pre-ordered organic veggie
boxes and visiting the farm shop to browse
sustainable, organic produce, you’ll soon be
able to visit a market, and you can have your
auras laundered and your chakras aligned,
too. rosenhoffarm.co.za

kulula.com MAY 2019 93

EXPLORE THEY CALLED IT WHAT?

J. RABBIT TEQUILERIA

With legs longer than Tito’s budget speech, Jessica Rabbit (of Who Framed
Roger Rabbit? fame) counts among cinema’s sexiest women. It’s in honour of this
redheaded bombshell that J. Rabbit Tequileria in Illovo, Sandton is named. Also,
in Mayan mythology, rabbits and tequila share a strong common symbolism,
which ties up pretty nicely with J. Rabbit’s extensive menu of tequilas, mezcals,
and A-grade cocktails. jrtequileria.com

IMPULSE BY THE SEA

Twenty-five years ago, Neville and Shamen Reddi
were curiously struck by the impulse to open a little
curry take-away joint inspired by enduring family
recipes right by the sea. Today, this popular sit-down
eatery in KZN’s Tinley Manor Beach is a legend
renowned for its pukka Natal Indian curries. Try their
signature prawn curry, served with a side of Indian
Ocean scenery. 032 554 4626

KWÉYÒL

Within the kaleidoscopic arboretum of Cape Town’s Botanik Social House
(across the road from the Company’s Garden) is a restaurant inspired by
chef-proprietor Mala Bryan’s childhood on the Caribbean island of Saint Lucia,
where French-based Kwéyòl or Creole is spoken. Here, Caribbean influences
permeate every quarter, from the grilled jerk-style chicken to the potent rum
cocktails. facebook.com/kweyolcapetown

LA TÊTE kulula.com

Lamb brains on toast, baked pig’s face, and devilled chicken hearts: anything
and everything goes at Chef Giles Edwards’ restaurant on Bree Street where he
specialises quite literally in nose-to-tail dining. La Tête, meaning ‘head’ in French,
boldly ventures where few other Cape Town restaurants dare go, serving parts of the
animal that are tragically misunderstood. Don’t be scared, though – Giles also does
amazing things with vegetables, so you could walk in here and enjoy an entire head of
kale head, too. latete.co.za

94 MAY 2019



THE MILK NOOP

Cow’s milk is practically biblical Have you ever eaten food so good that it
in its association with purity and physically compels you to close your eyes,
nutrition, which is the raison coo at your plate, or even brazenly lick your
d’être behind the name of this
first-of-its-kind establishment knife? That’s the inspiration behind the
in Khayelitsha. It’s worthy of name of this restaurant on Paarl’s Main
a visit to join in the evolution of Road, the name of which means ‘to compel’
a neighbourhood that’s never in Afrikaans. In a gorgeous heritage building,
before had such a fancy dining the down-to-earth restaurant serves up
spot – the three-storey venue fabulous wines and lekker local dishes –
serves cocktails, tapas, and sit- Cape Malay seafood soup, fresh Saldanha
down meals with dishes created Bay black mussels, Kalahari springbok
by Top Chef SA contestant loin, and wild cultivated mushroom risotto.
Ayabonge Gope (who is a bit of
a dish himself). 072 156 0620 Pretty compelling stuff! noop.co.za

96 MAY 2019 OH MY SOUL CAFÉ

At Durban’s first 100% vegan restaurant,
there isn’t an ingredient on the menu that
once had a soul, unless you believe that
plants have feelings, in which case enjoy
your cardboard (oh, no, wait, cardboard is
made from trees, so it’ll have to be stones

and rocks for you!). The menu features
everything from healthy plates to guilty
pleasures, and a chocolate peanut butter
smoothie bowl that will have you on your
knees in soulful rapture. ohmysoulcafe.com

EL PISTOLERO

In a time when pizzas, burgers and
steak dominated eastern Tshwane’s
gastronomic horizons, a couple
of gringos dared to try something
different, distracting diners with
authentic Mexican food. To honour
their ethos of being brazen and
fearless, the name El Pistolero –
‘gunslinger’ or ‘cowboy’ in Spanish
– was born. Expect fresh, daily-made
tortilla chips, cheese-smothered
nachos, and sweet, tequila-laced
cocktails. elpistolero.co.za

kulula.com

QUNU THEY CALLED IT WHAT? EXPLORE

At one of Joburg’s top hotels, this indoor- TANEN
outdoor restaurant pays tribute to the tiny
Named for the Turkish word for tannin
Eastern Cape village where Madiba was which is the polyphenol in wine that
born – and where he spent his final days. makes it taste dry, this Linden wine
bar and restaurant is inspired by the
The menu here is an elegant dance
between South African and French cuisines Middle East. Aside from an adventurous
wine list, you can expect such dishes
and offers a multi-cultural compilation
of the weird and wonderful, from the as smoked artichokes, beetroot labneh,
duck baklava, and pistachio purée. Just
mushroom and hemp starter to the lobster,
corn, and champagne. Sit out on the terrace don’t become a statistic and tell the
beneath a canopy of wild fig trees and tuck owners that they’ve misspelled ‘tannin’.
into a feast that might set you back a month in
tanen.joburg
wages, but is so worth it. saxon.co.za

Pictures: Claire Gunn, Justin Patrick, Vision Point Photography, RIVERINE RABBIT SALSIFY AT THE URBANOLOGI
Supplied, 271221/istock.com, ROUNDHOUSE
Chef Ash Heeger (who appeared on Netflix’s Bang in the heart of the oldest part of Joburg’s
The Final Table) and her sister Mandy van Pronounced sal-suh-fee, concrete jungle, Chef Jack Coetzee is making
salsify is a root vegetable a name for himself with a sustainable dining
der Berg named their Cape Town restaurant that was popular in Victorian concept he calls Project 150. While the
on Church Street as a way of drawing times for its ease of growing restaurant is named for the venue’s associations
and its versatility in the with deep urban location, Coetzee demands
attention to an animal languishing on the kitchen. There’s a metaphor that all ingredients are sourced from within
brink of extinction and at the same time in there somewhere for Chef a 150km radius of his kitchen, which is where he
highlighting their belief in sustainable eating. Luke Dale-Roberts, who – at produces such dishes as herb-seared venison
As you’ll discover, though, ‘sustainable’ this revamp of Camps Bay’s and coal-fried broccoli with smoked Gorgonzola
historic Roundhouse – is and broccoli gremolata. urbanologi.co.za
doesn’t mean a menu of rabbit food – working his usual magic to
ordinary salads are so last season. Rather, produce such innovative
diners can tuck into such delectable treats dishes as assiette of suckling
as dressed oysters, honey cured beef, spiced pig with salted apple, num
num, and sauerkraut crisps.
duck, sweetbreads, and a literal green Never mind if you need to
apple filled with lime, gin and cucumber. look up half the words in the
dictionary, it all adds up to
riverinerabbit.com
yum! salsify.co.za

kulula.com MAY 2019 97

EXPLORE THEY CALLED IT WHAT?

VAN DER LINDE

Van der Linde is named after Johannes Van der Linde who founded Linden, the area in which
the restaurant is located. VDL, as it is affectionately known by customers, is the whole
package: restaurant, bakery, deli, wine shop, and gin and cocktail bar. So no matter what
mood you’re in or how bad your day was, you’ll find the antidote here. vdl.restaurant

WOLFGAT

Located within a 130-year-old building in Paternoster, this restaurant
recently got everyone’s knickers in a twist when some international
awards panel named it the world’s best. As some smart ass promptly
pointed out, who has in fact eaten at every restaurant on earth in
order to determine the best? But who needs awards when you’re
genuinely innovative and have a waiting list that seems to trail
towards infinity? People everywhere have heard about Chef
Kobus van der Merwe’s shoreline harvested ingredients and
the amazing things he does with the foraged plants few
of us have even heard of. Its namesake? A nearby cave of
remarkable archaeological significance, where artefacts
such as ceramics and stone tools dating back 2 000 years
have been unearthed. wolfgat.co.za

XO YINDEES
PATISSERIE
In Thailand, mealtimes combine those two
‘X’ is the accepted essential ingredients for happiness: food and
symbol for a kiss and social connection (okay, and beer). This is what
has been for centuries. ‘yin dee’ means in Thai: to be happy. This stalwart
Then, with friend-zoned restaurant in Gardens, Cape Town serves the
teenagers everywhere demanding closest thing you’ll get to authentic southern Thai
something a little more cuisine outside of the Land of Smiles. And it comes
platonic, ‘O’ (for a hug) in a home-style environment dressed in rich
colours and low romantic light. yindees.com
was conceived. And
since the cronut (the ZINZI
love child of an affair
between a croissant In a quiet, nature-surrounded setting outside
Plettenberg Bay, this sophisticated restaurant
and a donut) is the serves tasty dishes inspired by cuisines
ultimate gastronomic from all over the world – think Vietnamese
manifestation of love, caramelised salmon, Durban lamb curry,
it seems to make some Italian mushroom risotto and Mauritian prawn
and avo. Emphasis is on the abundance of
kind of logical sense flavours on the plate – and in each mouthful –
that this artisanal cronut- which is why its name is the Swahili word for
specialist bakery in Melville, ‘abundance’. zinzi.hunterhotels.com
Joburg should be named for a
kiss and a hug – the rest of the love

affair has to be tasted,
though. xando.co.za/xo

98 MAY 2019 kulula.com