RECORD COVER STORIES

William Woody Wilding

RECORD
COVER
STORIES

The real (made up) stories
behind some of the best
album covers ever released.

While performing as Woody Bop Muddy I’d scour car boot sales for
Duran Duran albums to destroy on stage. I also built a collection of
unusual record covers. A few years ago I started posting some online,
along with the true stories (total lies) behind them. During the great
lockdown I decided to put my favourites into this flip book. If you enjoy
reading it, please make a small donation to my chosen charity, prostate
cancer uk - https://www.justgiving.com/prostatecancer - I haven’t asked
permission to use any, and do not claim copyright over the images. If
you object to having lies told about you, or your art, for charity, please
ask me to remove it. Contact me at [email protected]

Edward Simoni
‘Die Zauberwelt Der Panflote’

Who says playing the Pan Pipes isn't
sexy. Imagine Edward Simoni’s lips
caressing those orifices in an orgy of
orgasmic orchestration. Then imagine
those same lips, gently playing with your
private parts, while the sound of the pan
pipes murdering versions of ‘Nights In
White Satin’ and ‘Killing Me Softly’ drone
on in the background.
It would be a bit like eating a never ending
cream cake, while sitting in a warm bath
of cream and being pleasured by a blue
eyed adonis. The only downside would be
that you’d have to listen to the pan pipes
at the same time.

Freddy Fender
‘Coming Home’

Freddy Fender was originally being
considered as the lead guitarist for
Queen. However Freddy Mercury
wasn't too happy with the idea of
having two Freddies in the group, and
then when he saw Brian May’s hair
the contest was over. Fender then
formed ‘Right Said Freddy’, before
being kicked out for refusing to
shorten the name to ‘Right Said Fred’.
He has just completed filming a
Bollywood movie biopic about Des
Lynam, due for release on Netflix in
2023.

Rildo Hora ‘A Vez e a Hora de…’

Like many performers, Rildo was in love
with himself. Under the misguided
impression that since he was so undeniably
handsome, his looks could only be
improved if he had a larger face.

He thought he was being so clever as he
connected a high pressure tyre pump to his
penis and started to inflate his head. But it
all ended in tears…. and blood and bits of
brain and skull fragments.

Armand
‘Hollands Glorie’

After twelve years working in an abattoir,
learning how to butcher horses, Armand
fancied a change. After taking part in
‘Holland’s Got Talent’, he released several
dismal albums, of which this is the
seventh. He then got a part in the Dutch
version of ‘Top Gear’, playing the James
May role. He later disappeared
( presumed dead ) when the Robin Reliant
he had converted into a fishing trawler,
vanished without trace while attempting to
catch sprats in a Norwegian Fiord.

Argentina Coral
‘Cante Gitano’

I’ve listened to this album, and it stinks.
Admittedly not as much as the right belter
that someone must have dropped in the
studio just before this photo was taken.

All the evidence points towards Argentina
herself letting the offending fart out of the
bag. In fact she was well known for it. On
one occasion after a headline set at
Glastonbury, the whole site had to be
cleared for 24 hours while Michael Eavis
drove round in a Land Rover with a flame
thrower burning off the residue. No wonder
so many tents had to be left behind.

Gene Watson
‘This Dream’s On Me’

Gene Watson’s evil plan is simplicity itself.
He’s gonna hang out in the hotel bar till he
can sweet talk a pretty young housewife up
to his room with the promise of a night to
remember. Then he’ll get them
unbelievably pissed on cheap champagne,
lay them on his big brass bed, and talk to
them monotonously about his experiences
as a second hand car salesman, till they
are in a deep coma. Then he’s gonna strap
headphones on ‘em and play subliminal
advertising messages to them all night, so
they wake up in the morning, with a
splitting headache, but convinced they
must go straight out and buy a Dyson
Cyclonic vacuum cleaner. He then pockets
the commission.

Gloria Roe ‘I Never Walk Alone’

Since being committed to a mental institution for
the criminally insane, Gloria Roe is normally
never allowed out of her top security wing. But
after agreeing to give the Governor a ‘super
glorious three hour special’ on her return, she
was granted a supervised trip into town to buy
Christmas presents.

She took the opportunity to get herself a pretty
new brushed cotton nightgown. While she was
trying it on in the John Lewis changing rooms
she climbed out of a skylight and legged it in the
direction of Newport.

She is currently being tracked by armed police
with instructions to shoot her on sight and feed
her to their sniffer dogs. That will teach her not
to make Governor Clarkdale a promise she had
absolutely no intention of honouring.

Irmao Decor ‘Catui’

All through his childhood Irmao had a pet fly,
called Hughie, who lived on the end of Irmao’s
nose. They were inseparable and went
everywhere together. But it all ended in tears one
night at the local chip shop. While Irma was
distracted, Hughie flew off his nose and got
electrocuted by one of those blue light things on
the wall. His badly singed body spiralled down,
trailing smoke, like a spitfire in a dogfight, and
ditched into the fish batter. He managed to drag
himself to the side of the bowl and climb out,
covered in the sticky batter, only to then fall into a
vat of boiling fat. Irmao only saw something was
wrong when he was served his portion of chips,
and found a battered and fried Hughie on top. A
sad end to a loving friendship. At least he gave
Hughie a proper funeral, and what a funeral!, The
mini coffin was carried by an ant, and the streets
were lined with insects of every kind.

David Niven
‘Worlds Most Famous Love Letters’

David has been snowed under with thousands of
Valentine cards and letters. A week later and he’s
still ploughing his way though them. Most fall into a
predictable formula - a young star struck imbecile is
under the delusion that upon reading her letter,
David will drop everything and whisk her off to Monte
Carlo for a whirlwind romance, ending in a massive
celebrity wedding at the Beckham’s country pad.
However, David has just read a heart rending tale of
a Nigerian widow, who needs his help to free up 17
million dollars, locked in a Swiss bank account after
her husband died unexpectedly in a freak accident.

Since he is perpetually trapped in the nineteenth
century, and has never owned a computer or opened
an email account, he is unaware of such scams. He
is therefore at this moment planning how he can get
his hands on his 50% share of the proceeds.

Johan Bracken ‘The Friendly Giant’

After being exposed to a strange ray from an alien
spacecraft, Johan Bracken grew to thirty times his
normal size. Believe that nonsense if you want, but
what really happened is that he’s built a miniature
town in his loft. What started as a harmless hobby
has now taken over his life. He actually believes he
is ‘the special one’, who looks after the tiny folk of
‘Brackenville On Sea’, with a god like benevolence.
Only stopping when his wife brings his lunch up. But
just like the ‘real’ God, he can sometimes lose his
temper and go fucking berserk for no apparent
reason. Last week he lost it completely. Took a giant
steaming dump in the harbour, causing a massive
tidal wave, then stomped about twenty houses flat.
All because he was a bit bored. It’s a good job he
isn't really a god, otherwise we’d all have to suffer
earthquakes, tsunamis, global pandemics and other
bad shit, whenever he feels like it.

Lekiddo - Lord Of The Lobsters
‘Many Are Called’

For many years the Lobsters were without a
leader. They had floundered about on the
seabed, with no real purpose or direction. Then
a relatively unknown musician called Likiddo
proclaimed himself “Lord of the Lobsters”, and
started to release records, of which this is the
second. Lobsters however, having no concept
of pop music, classical music or jazz, took
absolutely no notice of him. Sadly Likiddo was
only Lord of the Lobsters in his own fevered
imagination. He later boiled himself to death in
the bath, after running in too much hot water.

Bert Bennys ‘III’

Theres something about the combination of a
satin shirt, unbuttoned to nipple level, along with
a comb over that can set your teeth on edge.
Add to that a neatly trimmed beard, and you can
see why the other guys in Bert Bennys all
appear, on first look, to be handsome. On further
inspection however, it becomes apparent that
they are all dogs except lead singers Ralf and
Paulus. But who cares about looks, its the music
thats important right. So what about it?. Well, this
third album by Bert Bennys is a tour de force of
unbridled mediocracy. After their first album,
there was a nationwide petition calling for them
to stop. The second album nearly brought
parliament to its knees. Still they continued with
their mindless brand of cover versions and self
penned middle of the road shite. After this, they
released another fifteen albums before ‘musical
differences’ caused the band to break up.

Trio Me Bumba

Did someone mention a comb over? Bennie
Bumba didn’t have any hair to comb over,
but instead sprayed his bald pate with liquid
gold.

Ever since Brian Epstein kitted out The
Beatles in matching suits, bands have gone
for the harmonious appeal and unified
costume approach. In fact on this album Trio
Me Bumba didn’t even record any music,
relying instead on the cover to entice fans to
shell out for a copy. This lack of any songs
did lead to the band getting signed by Stock
Aiken and Waterman, which in turn lead to
several court cases. However, looking back
over their career, many people point to this
album as the most accomplished the
‘Bumba's’ ever released. They were later
hunted down and shot by Swedish vigilantes.

Yvonne Me Lallas
‘Lover’s Concerto’

Have you ever wondered what it would be like
if everyone in the world dressed in pink or blue
satin jimjams ?. Well now there’s no need to
wonder any longer!. After 3 years in the
musical wilderness the band ‘Fat Bucket’
decided to smarten up their image and change
their name. Since Yvonne had studied fashion
at St Martins School of Art, she was the natural
choice to design and make the new stage gear.
The guys were all so knocked out with the new
look that they all agreed to adopt Yvonne’s
name and wear their costumes full time, on and
offstage. It has certainly worked wonders, the
band having secured non stop work on a cruise
ship. Unfortunately the work is in the engine
room and those beautiful outfits are now
covered in soot and grease.

Flamingo ‘Kvintetten 5’

It’s easy to get a little out of shape when
you’re on the road. Late nights, excessive
alcohol consumption, greasy spoon cafe
meals… it all adds up to morbid obesity.
You have two choices. Either exist solely on
cigarettes and coffee and drugs, or take some
exercise. That’s why the members of
Flamingo decided to sack their roadie and van
driver, and jog between the gigs. Not only
that, but take a cross country ‘mud run’ route.
It was all going great until they got to the next
venue and realised they didn't have any amps
or a drum kit. Plus Erik had dropped his
beloved ‘lucky’ plectrum somewhere, and had
a bit of a strop.

Buffalo ‘Stars Of The Bars’

I’ve been in a few bars in my time, and one thing
I think a good one has to have, is some place
( either a metal rail, or as they have here, a row
of painted bricks ) on which to rest a foot, while
you casually lean one elbow on the service
area. Having one leg slightly higher creates a
rakish angle, which not only displays your flared
trouser inserts to full advantage, but also allows
you to easily turn towards the door of the
establishment and peruse whoever comes in.

If it should happen to be an attractive and
unattached woman, you can be confidant that
you have arranged your masculine wares to the
best of your limited ability. If, however, your are
quite obviously a total pillock, desperately out on
the pull with two even greater pillock mates, no
amount of casual lounging, and flared trouser
insert displaying, is going to help.

The Happy Goodmans
‘Its A Wonderful Feelin’

Remember those halcyon days before the
lockdown? When you could stand in a tight
queue at the store, and feel the person in front’s
rubbery buttocks pressed firmly against your
privates. I do, and I can confirm it is a wonderful
feeling. Although whether it’s worth getting put
on the sex offenders register for, is debatable.
I guess it’s important to scope out who you’re
cramming up against, and if they are over the
legal age of consent, before you manoeuvre
your groin into place.

No such worries for the Happy Goodmans
Family. Several generations of inbreeding has
resulted in an inbuilt need for intimate contact
between siblings. Being related, they no doubt
spent their early childhood in the bath together,
playing hide the soap. All good clean fun.

Various Artists
‘Music For The Fireside’

It’s the weekend, so let’s all settle down for a
nice night in by a roaring fire. A cup of tea, and
a nice box of chocolates. A comfy sofa would
be good, but stupidly Brian has spent all his
wages on a G Plan HiFi sideboard. Poor Mary
has to sit on the floor, while she gazes into the
flames and thinks of ways she can kill him for
the insurance.

Later in court she claimed to have no
recollection of filling his vape pipe up with
Japanese Hogweed juice but council for the
prosecution was able to prove she had
ordered a large drum of it from Amazon the
week before. A verdict of ‘Very Fucking Guilty’
was declared and Mary was sentenced to
eighteen months non stop listening to
Mantovani.

The Paul Smith Trio and Quartet ‘By
The Fireside’

The musicians union have written to Paul Smith,
demanding he makes his mind up whether his
band is a Trio or a Quartet. The simple task of
counting the members could sort this out, and
really should have been done before they
released this album.

On a lighter note, have you noticed how a nylon
nightie can react when exposed to heat?. In this
experiment our guinea pig, sorry, lab assistant,
is testing the melting point of the synthetic
fabric. (An ambulance is standing by to rush her
to the burns unit for a skin grafting session
directly after this photo shoot). In a further twist
of fate Paul Smith went on to found a successful
clothing empire.

Jimmy Scott
‘Falling In Love Is Wonderful’

Yeah, falling in love is wonderful,
but falling into a zombie trance like state
after being slipped a horse tranquilliser in
your Cabernet Sauvignon (a soft and
plummy texture, hints of vanilla and spice,
with an aftertaste of stallion and oblivion)
is not quite so good. Especially when that
leaves your defenceless limp body at the
mercy of a failed jazz musician, who will no
doubt take the opportunity to play you
every hackneyed tune in his extensive back
catalogue, while repeatedly telling you he
could have ‘made it’ if it hadn’t of been for
the sex trafficking charges.

Johnny Smith Trio
‘Easy Listening’

After he smashed a gig at the local folk
club Johnny Smith thought he was on a
promise. Everything was going exactly to
plan…
The gentle glow of a romantic log fire…
The smooth sounds of Ray Conniff wafting
through the windmills of his mind…
The deep blue eyes and heavenly smile of
whats her name…
The man steam rising from his yearning
loins…
The smell of burning varnish…
The screams and yells of anguish when he
realises his beloved guitar has caught fire
and is totally fucked beyond repair…

Somers & Co
‘Summer Plans’

It’s the dead of winter and the band
have got no gigs lined up. They’ve
already burnt all the furniture in the
house they rented and now it’s a
choice between burning their
instruments or going on holiday.
The trouble is, they can’t decide
where to go. Duncan (with the perm)
wants two weeks in Scarborough,
but the others have just reminded
him that ‘that’s where they are now!’

Harold Farb
‘An Evening With Harold Farb’

Ok there is no fire in this shot, ( this is one of
those terribly clever ‘4th wall’ shots where the
viewer is actually in the fireplace.) but who
needs a fire when you can spend an evening
with Harold! He can get any girl red hot, with his
fascinating insights into how men’s socks are
held up… I’m guessing they go right up to his
knees, perhaps further… You’ll have to spend
an evening with him to find out - perhaps longer.

Harold later made a fortune as the inventor of
the Two-Way Garter, an ingenious device for
holding up your socks and securing your toupee
at the same time. It runs down the back of his
neck, inside his suit, and down to his knees. the
only trouble is if a gust of wind ruffles your hair,
your trousers fall down and your knee jerks up
and breaks your nose.

Gary & Vera Aspey
‘A Taste Of Hotpot’

It’s not just a roaring fire that can fan the
flames of love. Every woman knows the
way to a mans stomach. That’s why Vera
Aspey makes sure she always serves up
something steaming to keep Gary
occupied at night.

Gary loves Vera’s hotpot, he loves her
stew, and he particularly loves
her dumplings. So when recording songs
for their next album, it was decided to
make it a celebration of Vera’s culinary
feats. Mixing old standards like ‘Boiled
Beef and Carrots’, and ‘Your Gravy Is Like
Thick Brown Wine’, with self penned tracks
such as ‘My Fork Is In Your Casserole’ and
‘Dry Your Eyes, Sausage Surprise’. Sadly
Gary later died of E-coli poisoning.

Jeff and Sheri Easter
‘Sitting On Cloud Nine’

It all started like a fairy tale for the
perfect showbiz brother and sister act,
but after the initial high of childhood
stardom in the well received sitcom
‘Easter Bunnies’, came the inevitable
descent into years of drug abuse,
alcoholism, prostitution, and incest. It
may appear to the naked eye as if they
have it all, but beneath those happy
exteriors are a pitiful pair of ragged has-
beens, totally off their faces on cough
mixture and WD40.

Elaine And Derek
‘Elaine And Derek’

As you can probably see, these two are twins.
What you may not realise is that they have
been held captive since winning a talent
contest at Minehead Butlin’s, and forced into
musical slavery by Michael Collins and his
Orchestra.

When not singing their little hearts out, the
Orchestra take turns guarding them in the
secret dungeon beneath Abbey Rd Studios.
( The very same dungeon that The Beatles
kept Billy Preston in for eight years ). There’s
talk of a large ransom demand, but the truth
is nobody is interested.

Pedro Pinho E Paulo Pontes
‘Berrante Do Tempo’

Ok so you’re not actually twins, but that’s no
reason to not dress alike ffs.

Why not rummage round in the loft, and dig
out those space cadet costumes you used to
wear to ‘Studio 54’ in the good old disco
days. Back then Pedro and Paulo would
scour the thrift shops for matching outfits.
One night, while at a party at Andy Warhol’s
Factory, they ended up having a massive big
time catfight because Paulo liked to wear his
collar up, while Pedro preferred his folded
down and tucked discretely under his tunic.
Then Pedro accused Paulo of stealing the
medallion given to him by Blondie. They
ended up disembowelling each other in the
ladies powder room.

Justin Wilson
‘Me I Got A Frien’!’

It was right after their walking sticks became
entangled that Justin and Franklin realised that
they had more in common than both just being
members of the Ku Klux Klan. For instance,
they were both big fans of the Great British
Bake Off. Franklin had a full sized poster of Paul
Hollywood above his bed, and Justin had a
video of Mel and Sue frolicking naked in a hot
tub with Mary Berry. Also they both loved arm
wrestling and neither of them could spell rite, so
it was natural for them to become firm friens. It
wasn't long before Justin suggested they open a
cafe together. When the franchise moved to
Channel Four, Justin lost all interest in the show
and tried to hang himself with his braces.
Luckily he misjudged their elastic quality and
ended up being catapulted out of a window.

Jean Noel Dupre
‘La Betse C’est Comm Un Rhume’

For many musicians, the thought of
another gruelling 40 date tour is enough to
make them consider giving up showbiz
and getting a job stacking shelves at
Iceland. But not Jean Noel Dupre. Don’t
be fooled by his lacklustre attitude, he is
so excited at the prospect that he has
bought a whole new wardrobe of knitwear
to celebrate. Not long now and that bass
guitarist with the halitosis will be telling him
all about the new sit on lawn mower he’s
bought.

Raymond Devos
‘Au Theatre des Varietes’

After his friend Picasso introduced him to
surrealism, Raymond Devos spent most
weekends manically plucking his harp in
various remote locations, in an attempt to
conjure up an atmosphere of bohemian
nonchalance.

Eventually Raymond had to accept that
playing any large stringed instrument, on a
trailer, hauled by a miniature tractor, in the
countryside, was never going to make an
impression with the beatnik crowd, who
preferred modern city life. So he ditched
the farming equipment and got a gig at the
Black Cat coffee bar, playing covers of Joy
Division tracks… and the rest is history,
albeit a history no one has ever heard of.

Roger Whitaker In Kenya.

Well know skinflint Whitaker thought he could
save money on this photo shoot if he imported
an Elephant over from African, rather than pay
for a whole crew to fly out there. So this cover
was actually shot at his house in Durham. It
turned out that the cost of remodelling his
garden, and the vet’s bills for tranquillising and
shipping the elephant ended up nearly
bankrupting Roger, and in order to get back
some of the costs he had to kill the beast and
sell its ivory to a Chinese herbal medicine
website. When news of this leaked out he was
told by the local ‘do gooders’ at the council to
leave Durham and never set foot there again.
That of course inspired him to write his most
well known song “The Leaving of Old Durham
Town”. If only someone had suggested photo
-shopping we could all have been saved from
that particular musical fucking nightmare.

Bob Sharples and his Music ‘Dancing
Round The World’

Since that Airliner went missing there have
been numerous crackpot theories as to why
it disappeared from the radar. This photo
could be the best lead yet. Incidentally, it’s
not this idiotic fox trotting couple, that may
have caused the plane to overbalance and
veer off course to plummet into the sea, it’s
that bloody nutcase Bob Sharples and his
50 piece orchestra, set up on the other wing
that have done the damage. When will big
band leaders learn to play concerts in a
more responsible manner!

The Travellers
‘In A World Of Their Own’

And they certainly are in a world of their own,
as they sing their little hearts out with a
selection of folk club staples.

You’d have thought with a name like The
Travellers they would have some experience
of travelling, and have had the sense not to
set up a make shift stage across a railway
line. The Travellers were going places, there
was even talk of a TOTP appearance. But
sadly, seconds after this photo was taken,
they were smeared up the tracks by the
12.35 to Doncaster.

Jimmy Shand and His Band
‘Back Hame Tae Auchtermuchty’

Surely Jimmy Shand could have found
someplace more exciting than this very
average view of the outskirts of some very
average small Scottish town. (Auchtermuchty
perhaps)

Say what you will about Jimmy and his choice
of album cover artwork, at least he’s got his
beloved dog in there. When they planned this
shot one bright eyed album cover designer
suggested getting in the car and at least
driving out to a majestic mountain range, or a
Castle of some kind. Lord knows there must
be plenty of them about, but Jimmy would
have none of it. “Its all aboot ma wee doggie
ya ken, so tak a firkin hike afore wee Goldie
here shits on ya lens”.

Lenny Dee
'Down South’

Lenny Dee was no fool. He was well aware
that he needed an action packed album cover
to entice the casual listener. So when
Brunswick told him there was a massive
budget he allowed his imagination to run wild.

The amount of effort they went to get this cover
photo!, and then the album sank without trace,
as did Lenny and his organ. At least they made
£250 from ‘You've Been Framed’.

Ken Dodd
‘Hits For Now And Always’

A lot of singers love dogs and feature them
on their covers. Here's Ken with his dog
‘Nicky’*. “Don’t worry” said Ken to the
photographer, “she won’t hurt you, she just
wants to play”. Seconds later Nicky was
seen running across Strawberry Fields with
what appeared to be a half eaten cock in
her mouth.

*As you can see, this is a signed copy, which is

how I know Ken Dodd’s dog’s name is ‘Nicky’.
What can’t be proved is whether she had a habit of
removing photographers wedding tackle.

Clinton Ford
'Listen With Us’

Musicians like to imagine that their pets
have a genuine appreciation of their music.
These days social media is awash with
videos of dogs and cats, chickens, even
cows and goats singing along to various
songs.

However the question really is, are these
two hounds actually listening to Clinton's
album?, or just thinking about biting a huge
chunk out of the photographer's arse? I
think we all know the answer to that, which
is why the cost of life insurance for
photographers has gone through the roof in
recent years.

Paddy Roberts
‘Songs For Gay Dogs’

So there’s an oldschool singer of slightly blue
comedy songs and a gay bulldog having sex in
a council flat in Peckham.

And what’s wrong with that!. As long as its
consensual. Surely in this day and age an
intimate relationship between a human and
canine is nothing to be ashamed of*.

*acknowledgements to Bernard Righton

Russ Conway
'Time To Play'

Enough of the dogs already. Time to play
with cars. Here’s Russ in front of his Roller,
with his dolly bird Debbie. This shot was
taken at Cheltenham Festival last year.
Russ has a fiver each way on ‘Liberace’ in
the novices hurdle and he’s obviously a little
tense as the race nears its climax.
Debbie on the other hand looks like she
hasn’t got a care in the world, which she
hasn’t, yet. However she’s just about to
realise she’s forgotten to pack the picnic!.
Wait till Russ hears that the corned beef and
Branston pickle sandwiches he lovingly
prepared earlier have been left behind.
He’ll be fucking livid.

Jimmy Shand Jnr,
‘The Best of Jimmy Shand Jnr’

Remember Jimmy Shand Senior from earlier in
this book? He attempted to create the most banal
album cover ever. Introducing, Jimmy Shand
Junior, who has obviously decided to follow in his
fathers footsteps. He has totally risen to the
challenge when it comes to album covers. When
planning this album, he thought, ‘lets get in the
car, and go get a photo in front of a Castle’. But
when they got there, he just couldn’t resist
getting his car into the shot. It must be his car.
Surely he wouldn’t have just walked up to any
old, rusty, dirty, tangerine coloured MOT reject,
perched himself on the bonnet and thought,
FUCK THE CASTLE, This is the money shot!.
Just take a moment to dwell on this album title.
It’s ‘The BEST of…’ He has chosen this cover to
represent the BEST of his music. WTF did the
other albums feature on their covers - a maggoty
corpse lying in a ditch next to a rusty old moped?

Eddie Calvert
'A Rambler On Safari’

Hey, it’s 'The Man with the Golden Trumpet'
himself, all decked out in his most stylish
safari gear. One question occurs to me. if
you're going rambling, why take your car?,
ok, I understand you might want to take your
golden trumpet with you, especially if you're
known as 'the man with the golden trumpet’,
just on the of chance you bump into Herb
Alpert round the back of the latrines. But a
clapped out old banger?, it makes no sense -
That is until you realise this is not Eddie, it’s
just some random stranger who’s mugged
him for his golden trumpet and his
underwear. Eddie is actually naked in the
boot and he’s running low on air.

The Tommy Hawkins Showband
‘Live A Little’

With the money he makes from his popular
Showband, Tommy Hawkins can well afford to
live a lot. He owns a flashy Rolls, plays golf
every day, and has a wardrobe full of nylon
turtleneck sweaters. Life surely can’t get any
better… But then it did!, One afternoon last
November Tommy got a phone call out of the
blue telling him his favourite uncle had died and
left him fifteen million pounds worth of unused
sanitary ware. On visiting a warehouse near
Heathrow Airport he discovered the hoard of
avocado bathroom suites stacked up to the roof.
At first he was dismayed, thinking the colour
might be a bit dated, but recently ‘Grand
Designs’ featured similar toilets and basins.
Now he can’t shift them fast enough.

The Paul Bailey Sound
‘Take A Walk In The Moonlight’

With the money he makes from his groovy
band ‘The Paul Bailey Sound’, Paul Bailey can
afford to buy expensive fur coats for both of his
‘Special Ladies’… Wait a minute… Paul Bailey
looks just like Tommy Hawkins from the
previous page. Fuck me if It’s not the same
bloke!. That bastard is moonlighting with
another group. How he finds the time to run two
successful bands and a bathroom supplies
business is beyond me.

Johnny Guitar* Watson ‘A Read Mother’

Johnny’s car/ pram is being pushed by his actual
Mother which is why the album is called ‘A real
Mother’ which Johnny presumably thought was
real clever, since it also infers this selection of
tunes is totally MOTHERFUCKING awesome,
and its gonna freak the brothers in the hood up
real bad. Yeah, that’s what the record company
want you to think. In reality Johnny could never
play a lick in the studio without first being pushed
round Central Park by his Mommy.

*Johnny was named ‘Guitar’ Watson by his parents because
of a guitar shaped birthmark on his arse. It was pure luck he
later learnt to play the guitar. His brother Trombone Watson
was always getting the piss taken out of him at school
because he wasn’t musical at all.

Fred Wedlock
‘Out Of Wedlock’

While we are on the subject of guitars in
prams, here’s Fred Wedlock looking very
pleased with himself with good reason. It’s his
wedding day, and his girlfriend has just given
birth to a guitar, halfway through the
ceremony, and now he’s making a quick exit,
leaving her crying her heart out at the altar.
He’s even stolen the pram she picked out at
Mothercare. What an utter bastard.

Fred suffered from an inherited medical
condition known as droopy knee syndrome,
where his knees would slowly start to sink
down his shins whenever he stood up. Note
the clever use of string to stop that happening

Masike 'Funky' Mohapi
‘Gomora'

We all want to make an impact, and
showing oneself in the very act of
delivering a ear shattering power chord
certainly would make people sit up and
pay attention. However I can't help thinking
that this photo would have been so much
more dynamic if ‘Funky' had got himself a
gleaming Fender Stratocaster to pose
with, rather than this cheap plywood Bert
Weedon copy he picked up down the local
Aldi while out shopping for onions. But I
guess they blew the entire photo shoot
budget on a costume designer.

Bert Blanca
Still Rockin’ After All These Years

Whats better than one guitar? - well a whole
room full of course. Here’s Bert Blanca
proudly posing with a small selection of what
was once a massive collection of over one
hundred instruments, accumulated during a
lifetime on the road. Favourites included a
fire red Gibson Les Paul which he stole from
Jeff Beck and a ukulele, presented to him by
the Mayor of Bradford when he agreed to
cancel a gig at the Free Trade Hall.

Of course, most of this irreplaceable
collection had to be given to his ex wife as
part of the divorce settlement, and were later
sold on ebay.

Sandy Bull ‘Inventions’

Mike Oldfield has a lot to answer for. After
the success of Tubular Bells, a whole
generation of smug multi instrumentalists
thought they could play every bloody
instrument on an album. Here’s Sandy Bull
looking oh so incredibly smarmy. It’s enough
to make you want to nail this record to large
plank of wood! (which of course I have
done).

But it turns out Olfield’s legacy is even
worse than that. For it was the success of
the ‘Bells’ album that started the
astronomical rise of medallion man Richard
Branson. That’s right, If it wasn’t for Oldfield,
the NHS would be a well funded national
institution, Brexit would never have
happened and Corvid19 would have stayed
as a Hollywood movie plot