RECORD COVER STORIES

Al Di Meola ‘Casino’

All his henchmen thought he was crazy
when Mafia Don Al Di Meola announced
plans to quit organised crime for showbiz.
However, it turned out everyone he asked
(at gunpoint) said he could sing real good,
and they were all more than happy to buy
his brilliant new record.

Later in his career, on the night when he
was due to accept an Oscar for best
musical soundtrack to a drive-by
shooting, he unfortunately wound up
wearing concrete galoshes at the bottom
of the Hudson river. A fate strangely
anticipated by this photo showing him in
his solid gold cowboy boots.

Joey Lewis
‘A Portrait Of Joey’

For some reason Joey preferred to stand
inside a piano when he played his guitar.
Something about resonance apparently.
That and a refusal to wear trousers. The
trouble is, he tended to get his gonads
tangled up with the strings and that lead to
all manner of unintended non musical
wanderings and high pitched squeaks.
Luckily for Joey the resulting cacophony
appealed to the art/jazz based crowd whose
patronage made him a millionaire. The only
downside was that he was never able to
appear in public again without the piano,
which did restrict his mobility.

Ross Talbot ‘Bermuda Is Paradise*’

Ross Talbots love of Golf was as great as his
love of music. So naturally he liked to combine
the two whenever possible. The notion of 18
holes on a Saturday without stopping for a sing
song every time he sunk a putt was an
anathema. On one occasion, while tilting his
head back to holla out a rousing rendition of
‘Straight Down The Middle’ a golf ball from a
nearby misplaced tee shot hit him in the mouth
and knocked out all his teeth. Beat that Tiger
Woods!

You heard of product placement right?, well try
and guess what product Ross is trying to
promote here? Thats right - Astroturf.

*Incidentally, if Bermuda is such a paradise, why
haven’t they staged this photo there, instead of in a
small room above a betting office in Croydon?

Lita Ford
'Out For Blood’

Who says only guys can weald an Axe.
Lita’s got it all going on here big time.
With the guitar of course, and the 80’s
hair, and the leather, and the thrusting tits
and crotch and the long fishnet tights and
the dry ice. I'd like to see Ozzy Osbourne
dressed like that... wait a minute, he
does dress like that.

Mildred Rainey
'Happiness’

Who says only guys can sing pitiful religious
folk music . Mildred’s got it all going on here
big time. With the guitar of course, and the
50’s hair, and the sensible leather shoes, and
the long Harry Hill style shirt collar and the
crotchless knickers and the long tan woollen
tights and the pond. I'd like to see Ozzy
Osbourne dressed like that... wait a minute,
he does dress like that*.

*only at weekends when Sharon’s away

Jack Emblow Sextet
‘Housewives Playtime’

Back in the day, on the new fangled steam
radio, there were hum-along programmes
like ‘Housewive’s Favourites’ and ‘Worker’s
Playtime’. This record was intended to fill a
gap in the market, created when those
shows were not on. After a long morning
cleaning/ washing/ scrubbing/ ironing/
pickling/ baking/ polishing, your modern
housewife needed to sit down, put her feet
up on a bucket and have a nice cuppa. At
that point the housewife would like some
background musical mush to distract her
from worrying about the political situation in
Iran, and allow her to dream up some
wonderful 1970’s dinner party menu ideas,
involving prawns, mayonnaise and large
vats of scalding hot melted cheese.

Various Unknowns “The Hot Hits Series’

Long before ‘That’s What I Call Music’
squeezed every last drop of value out of a
whole bunch of mediocre musical chart crap,
the Hot Hits series did the same thing. The big
difference being that the tight fisted ‘Music For
Pleasure’ numskulls, commissioned sub quality
cover versions of the hits to avoid paying for the
originals. Bizarrely, some tracks sounded better
– but not many. The only thing going for most of
these releases was the covers. They released
21 in the series and each one had a scantily
clad girl, normally in some sporty pose. The
back covers often showed the same girl
suffering some unfortunate ‘accident’, which
nearly always resulted in her showing her
crotch or arse. On ‘Hot Hits 15’ for instance, our
lovely lady has unfortunately tumbled off her
toboggan!. Pity the poor photographers
schoolboy assistant who, when turning up for
his Saturday morning job, found he had to
spend hours gluing those little bits of
polystyrene to her thighs.

Jaap Zeeland
‘Memories are Made Of This’

Who’s got the best job in the world? A lot of men
might think it’s Jaap Zeeland. After all he gets
paid to jet around the world, playing his pop
based music in some of the most beautiful
places on the planet.

But it turns out he’s gay and would rather be
‘hanging out’ with some hunk he met at Heaven
the other night. Plus he’s a member of Extinction
Rebellion and Greenpeace, so all that globe
trotting is doing his fucking head in. If you look
closely you can see he’s having to grit his teeth,
close his eyes and go to his happy place, just to
get through this photo shoot. He really didn’t
want to do it, but it was this or see his career go
tits up.

Gepy & Gepy
‘Body To Body’

The trouble with Gepy and Gepy, is that he
was never satisfied. He had an interesting
name -‘Gepy’- was he happy with that? NO,
he had to change it to ‘Gepy AND Gepy’.
Then the art director suggested he pose for
this cover in a large hot tub with three
naked women. Was he happy with that?
HELL NO, he was looking for something
much more ambitious. When musical rival
Demis Rousos came out with an album
cover featuring an olympic sized swimming
pool filled with two thousand naked
eunuchs he was so pissed off that he gave
up singing altogether and ended up running
a second hand camera shop just off
Shepards Bush Market

Mrs Mills
‘Come To My Party’

There was a time of musical innocence,
before iTunes and Spotify, when your granny
occasionally bought a record. When having a
party meant necking half a pint of milk stout
and dancing the Hokey Cokey on the kitchen
table. Mrs Mills cashed in big time. Releasing
over 3,000 albums,(more than Geoff Love
and James Last put together) all with a party
theme.

Here’s a selection of her albums, starting
with one of the very first “Come To My Party”.
Here she is planning the party, and writing
out the invites. As you can see, its going to
be a great party, and she’s well stoked
thinking about it…

After that is was full steam ahead, with a
string of hit albums, such as this one - “Lets
Have Another Party” - all full of banging hits
like ‘Happy days are here again’, ‘Yes we
have no bananas’ and the mega dance floor
classic remix with Fat Boy Slim ‘I do like to
be beside the seaside/Firestarter’.

But it couldn’t last, and finally the hectic tour
schedules and party lifestyle took their toll.
There were stories of growing substance
abuse, and on one occasion Billy Cotton
accused her of pushing the entire BBC light
orchestra into a swimming pool. Mrs Mills was
close to the edge, and when she did finally
crack it was all recorded in this her last album-
“Look Mum No Hands”.

Brian Sharp ‘Orchestrally Yours’

The lights dim, the audience hush, an air of
expectancy runs through the auditorium. A slight
grinding noise heralds the jerky ascent, out of a
trap door in front of the stage, of Brian Sharp at
the controls of the magnificent Kawai T30
electronic organ. As he emerges through
whirling clouds of acrid smoke, Brian fires up
the magnificent quadruple keyboard and starts
to rock out. delivering a tedious half baked mix
of mind numbing tunes guaranteed to get any
audience begging for mercy.

After having his nose remodelled, and a gastric
band fitted, Brian gave up a promising career as
a dentist to follow his showbiz dreams. He was
later simultaneously electrocuted and crushed
when a trap door refused to open at the
Hammersmith Odeon, New Years Eve 1974.

Eddie Mack
‘Live At The Open Face Sandwich Club’

Gloria Mack loved watching her father play
piano, and he loved his weekly gig at the Open
Face Sandwich Club. The trouble was, having
Gloria perched starkers on top of the piano was
distracting the audience, and they weren’t
eating enough open face sandwiches.
Eventually the manager suggested she put
some clothes on and sit at a side table. The
audience soon got bored with Eddie’s crude
ham-fisted playing and started going to the
Subway round the corner, where they had the
‘Singing Nun’ draped over an ironing board.

Tony Osborne ‘Our Love Story’

Tony loved to have Gina sit on his piano
while he composed love songs. She was
his muse, and inspired hits such as “I Can
See Your Knickers” and “Your Thighs are
as Thick as a Rugby Player’s Neck”.

One night Gina inadvertently got her
elaborate bouffant caught in an overhead
fan. Tony just watched and smiled, as she
got more and more tangled up. Eventually
the darn thing ripped all her hair out by the
roots. The resulting song, “Baby’s Bald And
Bleeding” was number one in Albania for
sixteen weeks.

Wecker ‘Wecker’

After returning from an all night Hollywood
party, where he got obscenely drunk and
ended up leaving the host floating face
down in the Pool, Wecker felt the need to
put his thoughts down in a song before
the police arrived.
He’s got a nice house, well furnished and
tastefully decorated, and that piano is
obviously a high end grand that’s been
polished to within an inch of its life.

So can anyone explain why he’s got half a
pint of bitter on his grand piano?. -and NO
COASTER!!!

Walter Murphy
‘Rhapsody In Blue’

This man has a large organ.

Big Tiny Little ‘Little Land’

It was a very warm summer and Tiny Little
decided to hitchhike across America to
Florida where he heard they had plenty of
work playing piano in beach side bars.
Apparently they paid extra if you provided
your own piano. Naturally Tiny took his
priceless Toy Steinway with him. On arrival
he found to his horror that the contract
specifically stated that toy pianos were
banned. Never one to admit defeat he went
on a crash diet, lost 40 stone, and ended up
the right size to sit at the piano so as no one
noticed. They just thought he was playing in
the distance. He was later arrested for using
a very old joke and his beloved piano was
confiscated and thrown into the sea. From
his prison window he watched it float off
towards the horizon, which brought
everything into sharp perspective.

Ken Dodd
‘For Someone Special'

It’s Mother’s day, and Ken is out at the
Interflora shop picking up a lovely floral
arrangement. He’s going to surprise his
Mum later, and he can’t wait. Let’s hope it
all goes better than last year, when
instead of flowers he bought her a large
cucumber, poked it through her letter box
and shouted “The Martians are coming!”.

Heino
‘Liebe Mutter’

No doubt you are familiar with the scenario.
A ‘friend’ registers you on some dating app
like Grinder, and before you know it there’s
a queue at your front door of creepy sex
maniacs hoping you’ll hook up.

How do you choose which to ‘entertain’
first. My personal preference is to go with
whoever has the biggest bunch of flowers,
especially if they offer to put them in a vase
for you. I’ve always found that a good floral
arrangement indicates a considerate lover.

Eugene Paul
‘Send Me Some Loving’

Like a smooth spider sitting in his web,
Eugene has set his honey trap. Now he just
needs to chill and wait for a beautiful lady to
smell those flowers, see those flairs and
marvel at those finely turned occasional
table legs and it’ll be full steam ahead for a
night of sweet sweet love…

I’ve always been partial to a wicker chair
myself, maybe its because if I loose control
of my pelvic floor, any fluid not absorbed by
my pad goes straight through and I can just
mop it up.

Merle Evans and his Circus Band
‘Circus In Town’

What’s your favourite circus act?. Mine has to be
the clowns, with their wacky antics. Ever since at
age six I was plucked from the crowd at a
Chipperfields Family Circus by a loveable funny
faced clown, sat on his knee and asked if I’d like
to blow up one of his balloons.

I know they get a bad press there days, what
with all those, as yet, unsubstantiated stories,
depicting them as marauding zombies, cruising
round deserted town centres, honking their
hooters, wonky wheels, doors falling off, squirting
warm blood out of their buttonhole flowers while
they chase down little children, ripping them limb
from limb and feasting on their fresh young flesh.
Actually I think I prefer Lion Tamers.

Fred Dickens
‘Sheltered In The Arms Of God’

Fred Dickens (Freddy to his mates) is a very
lucky boy. He’s very talented, with a great
voice, and what’s more, he’s sheltered in the
arms of God!.

Just to prove that’s true, and not just a
publicity stunt, his manager Donald has
arranged to leave him in the Lion enclosure
of London Zoo overnight. If he survives,
there’s a record contract and a fat check
waiting. If not, he’ll be ripped to pieces and
Donald will pocket a huge insurance payout.
Plus there’ll be no one to accuse him of
being a paedophile in twenty years time. It
truly is a win-win situation.

Peggy and James Hazelton
‘Ministering In Song’

Heres a good tip, if you want to fleece christians
of every penny it’s better to choose adults with
bank accounts over children.

Step up Peggy and James Hazelton

Their whole life is a fraud. From their make
believe Ranch in Wyoming ( they actually live in
Milton Keynes ), they run an online herbal
remedies empire selling crap to committed
christians, who let’s face it, will swallow anything.

However I have to tell you that this album is
brilliant. If you filter out the references to Jesus,
and go mow the lawn while it’s playing.

Please note - do not look at James’ jacket for
prolonged periods since this can bring on a
stonking Migraine.

The Gospel Four
‘I Won’t Walk Without Jesus’

Why didn't they call themselves the
Gospel Five? I’ll tell ya why ya smart alec.
Because Joyce was married to Barry!. If
they'd called themselves the Gospel Five,
every time they checked into a hotel there
would have been an extra room booked.
Suck on that ya freakin idyot.
Eagle eyed readers will notice that they all
have very thin legs, probably caused from
muscle wastage, caused by a lack of
exercise, from a lack of walking, caused
ultimately by a lack of Jesus!. That’s right,
they don’t walk with Jesus! Do you see
Jesus in this picture? …unless Jesus took
the photo, or perhaps there was a sixth
member of the band, but that would have
really fucked up the hotel bookings.

Aubrey Ghent
‘Can’t Nobody Do Me Like Jesus’

Aubrey Ghent knows one thing for sure. If he
wants to get his rocks off, Jesus does it best.
He’s tried heroin, under age hookers, on line
gambling and sniffing glue. He’s dabbled in
occultism, run a 24 hour Off Licence,
presented a Breakfast TV show and spent 3
years excavating an Egyptian tomb. His real
problem is, even though he dresses like a
preacher he doesn't believe in Jesus, so the
only explanation can be that he is totally
bonkers. Recently he has decided to be an
inventor. Here he is, just before appearing on
Dragon’s Den to pitch his idea for a new state
of the art, combined musical ironing board /
pop up Altar

Jack Carey
‘In Jesus’ Name!’

No wonder Jack Carey is smiling. He’s just
managed to make wild passionate love to
every female member of his congregation
in one night. Once word got round that it
was for the glory of Jesus, they were
queueing up the stairs of his mock Tudor
mansion, and throwing themselves at him
in Noah’s Ark fashion (two at a time).
To celebrate his clever religious ruse,
Jack has splashed out and bought himself
a dapper safari suit made entirely out of
chamois leather. ...He looks pleased with
himself right now, but wait till he goes out
in the rain in that outfit.

Tommy Bolin ‘Bustin’ Out For Rosie’

Tommy came around a lookin’ fer the rent. But
Rosie done have no rent. Due to the fact she
bin sacked from Jim's Diner. She was a hoping
Tommy might take a shine to something else…

Tommy said he sure would. For some long time
he'd had his eyes on her dried up, musty
smelling, lop sided flower arrangement, which
sure would look right pretty on his back porch.
Rosie sure was sad when he’d gone. She was a
hoping he'd have got down on his knees and
helped himself to a generous portion of her
finger licking…

Hang on a dog gone minute, this ain't no album
of songs about Jesus, it’s some kind of low
down attempt by the record company to
improve Tommy’s image by making it look like
he’s a total stallion in the hay.

Bud Robinson
‘Uncle Bud’s Hospital Experience’

This is the harrowing story of Uncle Bud, who
voted conservative at the last election in the
mistaken belief that they were interested in
anything other than selling off the NHS to
make money for them and their millionaire
cronies. During the great Covid19 epidemic
(2020-2023) he spent 14 weeks leaning out of
an upstairs window every Thursday clapping in
support of nurses and front line workers that
he’d helped totally fuck, before contracting the
virus himself and lying on a trolley for five days
in an improvised mock medical facility build by
the army in an underground car park, then
being correctly diagnosed as very dead by a
1st year medical student who would go on to
spend fifteen years paying back her student
loan. The End.

Bob Kames
‘All Time Country Favorites’

Bob ‘King of the Hammond Organ’ Kames
loves to go fishing down at Breakneck Creek,
and his attractive, young, Croatian mail order
bride always insists on going with him to bait
his hooks. She don't speak English so good,
but she understands Bob’s carnal desires all
too well, and she knows that if she cooks him
enough butter and salt rich pork and clam
pies, he’ll most likely keel over from a
massive stroke, into the creek. When that
happy day arrives, she wants to be there to
make sure he stays under. Then she’ll inherit
his Hammond Organ, and his extensive
collection of fly fishing lures. She’s also got
her eyes on that shirt of his to make herself a
pretty new dress. Who says romance is dead.

Teresa Brewer ‘For Teenagers In Love’

Penny Clark’s parents were away for the
weekend and she had invited some of the
gang over. Things were really swinging when
there was an unexpected knock at the door.
When it opened Penny found herself gazing
up in wonder at the tallest man she had ever
seen. He must have been at least 8 foot,
although Jeb Garner said that when he
measured the corpse later, it was only 7’ 6”.

That’s the trouble with house parties, they
sometimes lead to all sorts of unforeseen
situations. You try to have a bit of fun on a
Friday night and before you know it you have
to sneak a rolled up carpet to the dump and
figure out how to explain that massive blood
splatter on the wall to Mom and Dad.

Trip Taylor ‘Miss You’

Obviously there’s a back story here, but
you’re gonna have to provide it for yourself
because I’m out of here. I don’t give a toss
who this damn fool is or how much she’s
missing whoever it is she pretending to miss
in order to set a mood that might entice some
heartbroken looser to buy this drivel, it’s no
excuse for leaving records you just played
out of their covers!. It only takes a little care
and effort to slip them back into their dust
jackets and sleeves, and file them in order
alphabetically back on the shelves ffs.

RECORD COVER STORIES