Sin Issue - Phi Magazine

ZIN EΦM A G A

THE SIN ISSUE

vol.5

Φ

MAGAZINE

THE SIN ISSUE

VOLUME 5

"As philosophers, we think much more about the right and the good than
evil and sin. Countless papers and books are written each year claiming
to finally provide the right analysis of goodness and its proper applica-
tion. But badness is much less popular, and sin, it’s embodiment in our
actions, remains the less trodden path. In this issue of Phi Magazine, our
creators bring you stories, photos, art, essays, and even songs that don’t

shy away from sin, they relish it. It feels good to be bad."

ARIEL DE LA GARZA DAVIDOFF & CHIARA ZUCCHELLI
EDITORS IN CHIEF

A special thank you is owed to the Phi Mag editorial and visual teams, who despite exams, dissertations,
lockdowns, quarantines, and being on different continents, did a fantastic job putting together this issue.

Thank you Devraat, Teresa, and Gamel for your work and dedication during these trying times.

The Sin Issue | Φ 2

CONTENTS

The Parish 4-5 Unoriginal Sin 30-31
by Gerardo Posada, art by Laura Empson by Dylan Ngan, art by Amelia Steane

Wrath 6 Pink Creation 32-33
by Nash Metaxas, art by Yağiz Alp Tekin by Nicole Collete Leon

The Fall 7 Purge 34-36
by Jack Verschoyle by Áron Gyenge

Revisiting the Primordial Sin 8-9 Septem Peccata Capitalia 37-41
by Maë Faugere, art by Renée Bertini by Andrea Rodríguez Schack

You Have to be Human 10-11 If They Were White 42-43
by Antonia Kattos, art by Amelia Steane by Iman Mohamed

Looking for Female 12-13 Sometimes It's Pie 44-45
by Mattie Mamode, art by Irene Kattos by Ruva Takawira, art by Wayan Chan

Something Spicy 14 You Have a Gun, I Have a Phone 46-47
by Ariel D.L.G.D., art by Amelia Steane by Jessica Fatoye

Instinctive Sin 15 Activism During a Pandemic 48-49
by Carolina Altomonte by The Phi Mag Team

P.E. Lessons 16-17 All Vice and No Virtue 50-51
by Teresa Mignolli, art by Wayan Chan A Review of Steal Suffering
by Devraat Awasthi
18-21
Animal Bones 52-53
by John Dorsch, art by Aneta Swianiewicz
Because You Have Blue Eyes
22-23 by Viola Ugolini, art by Wayan Chan

GRAM No Game, No Life 54-55
by Aletulle by Diana Craciun, art by Aneta Swianiewicz

A Haunting 24-25 56-57
by Holly Loveday, art by Laura Empson
Lust Meets Fear
by Laura Empson, art by Yagiz Alp Tekin
The Unrepentant Glutton's Brunch Tips 26-27
by Renée Bertini Nude Series 58-59
by Yagiz Alp Tekin
28-29
Cock, Hen, and Rooster
by Quies the First, art by Cveta Gotovats 60
Credits
by The Phi Mag Team

THE FRONT AND BACK COVERS FOR THIS ISSUE WERE CREATED BY CVETA GOTOVATS.
FOR ENQUIRIES, AND MORE OF HER WORK SEE @BOOITSJUSTME ON INSTAGRAM.

3

The Sin Issue | Φ FAREWELL HAPPY FIELDS by Laura Empson
4

THE PARISH
by Gerardo Posada

In what I can only call an act of great compassion and love towards humanity,
he placed his worn body right in front of the parish’s gates.
Around him, drunken laughter devoured the night.
Empty bottles,
Sweat,
Tears,
Blood.
Believe me, it was truly an act of the utmost compassion and love towards
humanity, it shed some light all over the darkness. He kneeled on the soil,
and between his intoxicated hands he took that primitive weapon. After he
had composed himself, with a powerful thrust he aimed that stone which he
had taken from the ‘…dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return’ at the
churchgoers’ favourite stained glass.

On Sunday, the priest and all the good people, decent people, real people,
who assisted to the house of the Lord, directed words of contempt
towards those devils who had provoked such a mess and that had
committed such a blasphemy against our Celestial Father, while
selling tickets for the raffle being held at the garden of the temple,
where the smell of well done Sunday roast, which was to be sold
(not given away!) to the hungry, flooded the neighbourhood. Φ

5

WRATH

by Nash Metaxas

Wrath is
Rage, and Rage is
Sorrow – for
the silence after,
speaks; like the station shaking
then,
standing still when
a train going past,
does not stop at the platform.

The Sin Issue | Φ PHOTOGRAPHY by Yağiz Alp Tekin
6

THE FALL

by Jack Verschoyle

A blackbird sneezes and prunes her feathers
She hops and drills her wings. Garden gate,
Your paint, it cracks in the weather
That sends my body weeping deep
Into this grinning bench. I stain
A shadow in her grain. It dilates
The blackbird sings. She must make sense
She pauses, chooses, whistles, tells,
Eclipse of an eye, that a book is still bent
In my hand. For the bird feed, my eye is the dowry
The bees, their secret prayers and memory felled,
Again – there again – they search that last flower
A small clothed boy, stood stark as an angel,
Waters the slant of the patio, keenly
observing a biblical struggle of ants
The innocence left a blotch in my eye
Like marks that the sun will leave in your eye

7

REVISITING THE PRIMORDIAL SIN

by Maë Faugere

Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”
And the woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
(Genesis 3:13)

The orthodox interpretation of the Genesis Guided by her own journey of religious
creation narrative in Judeo-Christian enlightenment, the French sister, nurse, and
mythology has suffered from a tremendous lack of psychologist Annick de Souzenelle offers a
depth in approach and a conservatism in method. profound and sensible reading of the Book of
Reconceiving this interpretation of the text is Genesis in her book Le Féminin de l’Être. Based
intended to deliver an original understanding on the original Hebrew texts and her expertise
which reconciles femininity with the purity of in the ancient language, de Souzenelle presents
Biblical text. The reading familiar to most readers an ontological interpretation. She questions the
is a literal account of the ancient testament, one image of Eve as “created from the rib of Adam,”
which has become a collection of crimes and and contrasts it with a translation of “Ishah” as
sins: fratricides, slavery, incest, rape, and various “the other side of Adam,” positing a more central
other unholy horrors. According to scholars such role for the feminine in Bible. More importantly,
as Annick de Souzenelle, this reading is deeply she advances an interpretation of the Bible as a
flawed; tracing the ancient errors of mistranslation liveable text which readers can study for a tangible
and misinterpretation can reveal an alternative connection with the other side of the self.
and unexpected understanding of primordial sin Crucial to de Souzenelle’s project is the assertion
and its attendant vices. that the first few chapters of the Genesis are in
fact a myth and should be read as such. They
say something about the interiority of humanity.
Therefore, where Genesis reads “In principle God
created the Heavens and the Earth,” this does
not refer to the creation of an external world,
but rather, is a reference to the principle of God,
which resides within each of His creations.

Heaven and Earth are therefore two entities
created by God within us which retain a
masculine and feminine intonation, respectively.
Earth is the realm of the observable, visible
exterior, and implicitly masculine. Heaven, on
the other hand, is veiled, hidden and invisible,
and therefore implicitly feminine. In the veiled

and removed Heaven lies the mystery of God
and the struggle to uncover this mystery is
the “hero’s journey” of Adam in the Garden
of Eden. This ontological interpretation of the
Genesis reveals that Heaven is within the self,
rather than a literal afterlife, and must therefore
be a lived condition.

ART by Renée Bertini Another significant point to clarify is that the
term “Adam” refers to humankind, not a specific
male being. On the sixth day of the Genesis it is

The Sin Issue | Φ 8

said: “Elohim creates an Adam in his image, in the
image of Elohim He creates him, male and female
He creates them.” (82.6) Similarly, Christ says to
the apostle: “Everyone is Elohim.” From these
translations, it is clear that gendered readings
of the Bible and specifically the Genesis are not
textual, but rather translational inventions.

The conception of a male Adam can be traced back
to a Greek mistranslation. The original Hebrew
text is undifferentiated: “let us make an Adam,
who dominates on the animals…” Similarly,
to go on with de Souzenelle’s ontological
interpretation, these “animals” are not literal
animals. Rather, they are figures of the various
forces at play within Adam. Likewise, Eve is
not a woman in the literal sense; instead she
(I use gendered pronouns for the sake of
simplicity) is the feminine, the Heavens
within us.

The Hebrew “zakor” or “male” is also the which are no more than parts of himself (a bit like
verb “to remember.” Thus, he or she who our unconscious, says Souzenelle). In this state
remembers “the other side” of themselves is of confusion, Adam believes that he might be all
fundamentally male. The Hebrew word “naqob” accomplished already. Adam sees no use for ‘Ishah
or “female” also means “hole” or “to bore a hole,” and leaves her defenceless in front of the serpent
is closely related to the verb “to name.” As de who seduces her. The rest we know. Both Adam
Souzenelle explains, deep in the female hole is the and Eve are chased from Eden. But, according to
Name, the germination of I am, the foundation of Souzenelle, it should be understood that this exile
the being. In sum, within us all there is the Adam, is no less than Adam’s exile from himself. ‘‘Ishah
the masculine, he who remembers as well as the was discarded by Adam, an act which left him
feminine “‘Ishah”, a heavenly deepness of potential. with a gaping hole in his heart, incomplete and
The subtleties of these interrelated words escape unaccomplished. In so doing, he is exiled from
those without a specialised knowledge of Hebrew himself as he is exiled from God.
and its ancient structure, and de Souzenelle’s In neglecting ‘Ishah, the heavenly part of himself,
command of the language is invaluable in deriving Adam rejects his inner maternal vocation. He
these explanations. thus bestows the external appearance of the
In light of this ontological reading, the Genesis composition unto Eve, the visible counterpart
myth looks quite different. God presents Adam of ‘Ishah. In the realm of the visible, where he is
with animals within him and Adam struggles to stuck, she has to give birth in pain. What should
find peace within himself. Thus God puts Adam have been an internal process becomes an external
to sleep. It is there, in the depth of himself, that one.
Adam finds the other side of himself. He unveils Understanding that the Biblical masculine and
the heavens, his feminine aspect: the “‘Ishah.” feminine serve the show the dichotomy between
The role of ‘‘Ishah is to accompany Adam in the Heavens and the Earth, the Divine and the
the realisation of his own accomplishment: the material, provides convincing evidence for an
marriage of the Earth and Heavens, those two alternative conception of the true teachings
parts which form the principle in himself. This of the sacred texts. What is commonly known
marriage would lead to the birth of Adam’s Name, as primordial sin is not forbidden access to
or simply put, to himself in his most complete and knowledge, as the mainstream interpretation
accomplished form. asserts, but rather a sin of pride and illusion; the
Adam is meant to work with ‘Ishah. Her purpose belief in self-fulfilment and accomplishment and
is to help him give birth to himself. But in front in this belief, discarding the heavenly side of the
of the tree of knowledge, or as de Souzenelle self. Φ
calls it, the tree of the accomplished and the
unaccomplished the serpent seduces Adam. In
fact, this is slightly more complicated. One by
one, the serpent seduces all of Adam’s animals,

9

ART by Amelia Steane
The Sin Issue | Φ

YOU HAVE TO BE HUMAN

by Antonia Kattos

I refuse
To be infused
With the guilt;
For they become the winner
In letting them call me ‘sinner’
God is not so short – sighted
But rather delighted
At my own disobedience
Because rules were made to be broken,
And people repeat words too easily and wonder not who wrote them
I trust no man’s hand
And no man’s word,
No man’s interpretation
For most people,
Go to church
And think it a marvel
To pronounce verses like a gurgle.
There is in fact nothing that can defile me,
If I was made in his own image
And Eve was too
Sex is for my pleasure,
Food for my satiation,
Sleep for my rest and will to repeat,
Passion drives my spiritual heartbeat
God loves me
And every aspect of me
For how could he be mistaken?
If I am to be a sinner regardless,
Being one grateful over one deprived
Is truly harmless.
What is there to believe in?
They have forgotten
That to be humane,
First,
You have to be human

11

No experience is needed -
just willingness and enthusiasm

Please ask for ____ no pay
Looking for Female
rule out CD or TV
(BATTERSEA)

ART by Irene Kattos /@@@@@@@lick me@@@@@@
The Sin Issue | Φ My Queen of Spade

genuine, fun, easygoing
Wanted Sunday (or Monday).
a very mischievous view on life, ideally suit yng

Compensation: Negotiable
(TWICKENHAM)

12

I am one of a few gents left
I love a female in shorts

I want to see your pussy in its natural state
I pay to eat :)
(HARROW)

/Nice bum?
Please be able to accommodate
You need to be hot and happy

You must be comfortable
You are well

Compensation: To Be Confirmed
(CROYDON)

looking for an attractive, slim average Caucasian /Open Minded Mums (Lingerie or Nude)
Looking for old ugly fat mature Wanted. Female. Pleasure/fun
looking for something new Reward available
(LONDON LONDON) (ANYWHERE)

If you are looking for fun get in contact
if my wife is here you need to be discrete

If yng more one fifty money
(WALTHAMSTOW)

13

SOMETHING SPICY

by Ariel De La Garza Davidoff

Gerald was running late; his stomach was not splash onto his wristwatch. He breathed deep,
well. "When do they start calling it dysentery?" summoning a determination he had not summoned
he wondered, standing in line for airport security. in years – 'You can do it' he mouthed to himself. It
He was distracted, clammy, and encumbered by his was going well; he'd managed to get everything into
two carry-ons, overcoat, sweater, scarf, and belt. the grey plastic bins after only two bouts of verbal
The line was terribly long. abuse from a TSA officer. Finally – only a few more steps
to the metal detector. Salvation was close.
The night before Gerald had gone to the Sichuan
Star, a Chinese restaurant a few blocks away from But Salvation had other plans.
his hotel – the insurance company had put him
up in a single room at an Econo-Lodge for a week. "Please step to the side sir."
He wasn't feeling confident about the promotion; "Huh, uh, w-what"
Stevens had gotten a junior suite... After the final "Sir step to the side, you have to go through the
day of meetings Gerald declined an invitation from scanner,"
his counterparts in sales and ventured off into the "Oh, but I'm uh late, you m-"
dim streets of Newark in search of something spicy. "Sir. Are you resisting sir?"
Boiled noodles, crispy chilly beef, Peking duck, "Oh no of course not, I would never, I just have, you
two servings of pork dumplings, and two glasses of see, uh I"
Wu Lang Ye later Gerald was full – very, very full.
He stumbled out into the street and stood there "Sir step to the side, and get in the scanner. I'll call my
in a daze, with a spot of oyster sauce on his shirt manager" the TSA employee was already mumbling
glimmering in the cool neon-flicker of moving something into her chest-mounted radio. "Oh it's not
chopsticks. what you think, I just have something right now that
won't..." Gerald was sweating profusely, bumbling,
He was overcome by sleep as soon as his head hit he wasn't making any sense, and so the TSA agent
the pillow. In between dreams and delirium, the did exactly what she had been trained to do: Escalate.
next few hours were mostly a blur for poor Gerald. "Sir what do you have on you?" she yelled, jumping
Trip after trip to the bathroom, distorted sounds, back unclipping her taser holster. A dejected Gerald
sordid sights, and pungent smells he would do replied: "Oh nothing, ok I'll, I'll go through the
anything to forget. scanner."

“Passport and boarding pass please.” – “Passport
and boarding pass.”

“Yes, yes I'm sorry” Gerald replied as he fumbled "You really didn't have to get like that with me sir.
about with his belongings. He felt a pang, a cramp, Don't do that, you know you can get tased being like
but he persevered. It was too late to go back: the lady that?"
had already scanned his ticket. “Shoes off. Laptops
and liquids out of your bags.” “Sir please move on...” "I–I'm sorry" he said. Gerald frowned, looked down,
Oh no, another cramp. It was worse than the last and shuffled towards the scanner, ready to meet
– Gerald's face contorted, he saw a bead of sweat destiny. Φ

ART by Amelia Steane 14
The Sin Issue | Φ

INSTINCTIVE SIN by Carolina Altomonte
15

P.E. LESSONS

by Teresa Mignolli

ART by Wayan Chan 16

The Sin Issue | Φ

After Marie Annharte Baker

In kindergarten kids would say you’re too fat
to play capture the flag. When running, your weight sticks,
melts, falls in quicksand, it’s hard to get out.
“A little too much meat on your bones” – all
that fat makes you look so big, my
god, makes you feel so little. Fat?
In PE you’re the last one to be chosen – is
it your turn now? You see them avoiding your look. Me-
rely invisible, while number 10s volunteer to play volleyball (and
you’re not aerobic enough), cat and mouse (you’re not fast enough), may-
be tug-of war? (you’re not strong enough but looks are all that matters). Do they intimidate
you? Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to pick first. Truth is you know within you
they’re choosing you last (it doesn’t stop you from crossing fingers behind your back). If
they see you today? You think about the seconds it takes to say your name out loud. Left
alone with the teacher. You’re the reserve now, but nobody ever goes out.

They don’t see you but I do. Fat girl you should be proud of
the person you’re gonna be. Time will make you faster, life
will make you stronger. You’ll learn to play volleyball. Fat?
Fat will float away when you see yourself in the mirror. Truth is:
Fat is not our enemy. Fat is company.

17

ANIMAL BONES

by John Dorsch

“This is both how I come to be deceived and how I come to sin: since
the range of the will is greater than that of the intellect, I extend it to

matters I do not understand.”
Descartes, Fourth Meditation

ART by Aneta Swianiewicz 18
The Sin Issue | Φ

She awoke in the alley with the pangs of hunger, says Annabel, looking down at Clementine
imagining the grassy patches of land where walking between her legs. I’m so sorry, dear. So
food could be caught. Fear and frustration filled sorry.
her at having to wait for the large, loud, unnaturally She walks into the kitchen, peels back a can of cat
stinky animals to pass, and so she bolted. Impact… food from off the counter and, kneeling down,
Crushed… She cried out, but only slow death spoons its moist contents into the metal bowl on
called back. Suddenly, blinding light appeared, the floor. To Clementine feasting upon her meal,
and a warm embrace was felt. Momma? Cold slid Annabel says, “I’ll be back later tonight.” Keys and
into her chest and spread, extinguishing the heat broken phone are in her purse, along with all the
of pain, and with it, her life. other essentials. She locks up, checks the handle
thrice, and walks into the mild climate of the
Candlelight and steam surround a small slipper summer night.
bathtub. Inside the water is displaced by The streets are littered with people. Car after car
a hundred pounds. Ten toes poke through the drives by in front of her. Standing on the street
aqueous surface, and delicate hands hold a book corner, Annabel’s extends a hand into the air.
above the vapor. “All Men are Mortal” is impressed Her signaling is successful, and a black sedan
down the spine. Reading its pages are two large pulls to the curb, turning off the yellow light on
eyes that express the why-the-fuck-don’t-I-do- the roof. She opens the back door, climbs inside,
this-more-often sort of sublimity. A shingle-bob and, feeling the crisp breeze of freon, says, “The
of black hair curves along cheeks, hovers above Black Cat. West Side.” She secures the door, and
shoulders. Annabel places a cigarette between her the driver glides the automobile back into traffic.
lips and sets her copy of Beauvoir on the floor. She Settled on the leather of the seat, she slides the belt
inhales. The crackle of cloves teases her ears. The across her chest and, after looking up, cannot help
taste of cumin warms her throat. but notice a pair of concentrated eyes reflecting
in the rear-view mirror. “Keep your eyes on the
To live forever, how miserable that must be. She road.”
butts the cigarette and slips further into the water.
The source of life’s beauty is its mortality. To have Having been preoccupied by her reading,
died is to have lived; and thus, our existence is Annabel arrives at The Black Cat later than
inherently tragic. Her right-hand slides down her usual. She props herself onto a stool at the bar,
leg. It recalls the atrophic scars checkering it. greets its tender and orders a beer. She asks, “Joey?
Beauty is vulnerability. It glides along her chest Has Frank arrived?” “Sure has, Bell. He’s upstairs.
and down her belly, stopping at the incline of her Waiting.” She receives her drink, steps onto the
mons veneris, the concave of the palm resting floor, and gracefully walks in her stiletto heels
upon it. The left-hand grabs and closes at her through the relatively full venue. Seeing Annabel
throat. Pressure is exerted. Passion commences. ascending the steps, Frank sets his beer on the
table, and, without saying a word of departure to
I’d give. Her knees bend. Myself over. Her feet the others, walks toward her and grunts: “Finally.”
press against the tub. Despite the desire for more. His build is large. His gait aggressive. Cast by the
Her tempo increases. Her mouth opens. Her toes garish lighting overhead, his approaching shadow
begin to curl. I will withhold it, until I don’t. Her engulfs Annabel’s small frame at the head of the
grip tightens. Her eyes close, and flutter. Just one stairs. Overcome by his threatening demeanor,
more second. But an incoming phone call blares a Annabel begins to repeat the same routine. She
personalized ringtone that makes it clear the caller languishes after quieting the animosity beginning
is Mother. Not shame, but rage at feeling shame to breed inside of him. She bethinks reconciliation:
wells up within her, and she feels it release upon if only she can bring him to overcome his anger
hurling her phone against the bathroom wall. and lovingly embrace her. If only he’d forgive her.
Impact… Crushed… Autonomy weeps through her pores, and Frank
can sense it, enraging him all the more.
Reading off a mental list, Annabel walks around
her loft, checking each item thrice. Need to “Icalled and texted, Bell. Why didn’t you
make sure nothing is left on. Feed the cat. Take my answer me?”
meds. Mustn’t forget the keys. God, can’t believe I
broke my phone. A small white cat with large eyes
rivaling Annabel’s saunters into the room and lets
out a long meow, “Miaow!” “Okay, Clementine,”

19

“Calm down, okay? Have a look at my phone.” While Annabel is being hauled off to the
“Why’d you break it, huh? You were pissed at me, police station, she thinks of how she could
weren’t you?” remedy the situation with Frank. She could
“No, no. Just dropped the damn thing.” convince him to trust her, reveal the truth about
“Bullshit. Look at it! Screen is cracked to shit! what happened to her phone. When, without
Why’re you lyin’?” warning, the squad car runs over something in the
“I’m not lying. Relax. …. Are you high?” road. First a bump, then the shriek of a piercing
“What’s it to you?” death-rattle reverberates through the car. Annabel
“You said you quit.” shouts from behind a perforated plexiglass barrier,
“That’s right. Try turning this around. Tell me “That was a cat!”
what really happened to your phone.” “Quiet down back there!”
“I’ve already told you. I dropped it.” “You have to turn around. See if it’s still alive!”
“You’re lyin’. You’re lyin’ straight to my face, Bell. “I said. Shut. Up.”
Get. The fuck. Out of my sight! I’m done!” “Maybe we can save it!”
“Frank, don’t be like this! I would never lie to you.” The officer in the passenger seat cranks up the
“Don’t touch me! Get off me!” police radio. Mechanical, monotone garbles
saturate the squad car with law enforcement
“What exactly did you see?” jargon, the alphanumeric transmission of the alpha
“I saw Frank and Bell arguing, then I saw male. Annabel falls back to the seat, drowned out.
her fall down the stairs.” But the mental-echo of the animal’s agony will not
“You didn’t see how she fell?” be silenced. Owing to the persistence of feline’s
“No, I was playing billiard and talking to the final intimation, it dawns on Annabel why she was
others. I mind my own business when Frank and overcome with such purpose, why she needed the
Bell get into it.” officer to pull over. How could I’ve forgotten? This
“So, you’ve seen them argue before then?” is the second time she’s heard such a disconcerting
sound along the highway. The first time, however,
“You are aware this is a serious charge?” she convinced the driver to halt and inspect.
“Yes, officer.”
“Tell me again what happened.” Because she raised her alone, Mother had to
“Look, she and me were arguing, okay? Then she work three part-time jobs to make ends meet,
started pushing me, alright? I told her to stop. and this required she drive Annabel to school
Tried to get her off me. That’s when she fell down before dawn. Often, they drove in silence, but one
the stairs.” particular morning, before the sun’s light pierced
“How did she fall down the stairs?” the horizon, the uncomfortable peace between
“I don’t know, alight? . . . Jesus. . . Bell just gets Daughter and Mother was interrupted by a morbid
hysterical.” squall coming from further down the road.
Annabel urged Mother to stop. She was hesitant
“You talk to the girl?” at first but finally pulled over and switched on the
“Yaaaup.” fog lights. They exited. Upon seeing the decimated
“And? What’d you make of it?” corpus of the cat, Mother gasped, and covered her
“No fucking clue. Let’s just arrest them both and face.
let the judge figure it out.” Her teenage daughter was not dismayed, however,
and she continued to approach what was left of the
“Ms. Lee?” animal. Annabel came upon a pair of dilated slits
“Yes?” and searched within for signs of life. They made
“You’re under arrest for assault and battery.” no reaction, saw nothing. She knelt down and
“Wait! Me? For what? What did I do?” placed her hand on the cat’s chest. To her surprise,
“You have the right to remain silent, anything you a pounding heart greeted her. Feeling Annabel’s
say…” warm hand, the animal began to caterwaul.
“This is ridiculous! I’m innocent. He pushed me “What are you doing?”, Mother yelled out, “That’s
down the stairs. I sure as hell didn’t push myself disgusting! Come on, just leave it!” “Leave it? We
down!” can’t just leave it. It’s suffering, Mother. Don’t you
“…can and will be used against you … “

The Sin Issue | Φ 20

see?”, Annabel pleaded. She turned her gaze back down her face were wiped away with more ease.
to the helpless, writhing animal, saw before her She stood up, turned to see Mother paralyzed by
mind’s eye what could have been: the cat, with her, incredulity. Annabel closed the blade carefully,
at home, nuzzling. “I have to do something”, she walked back to the car, and opened the passenger
said quietly to herself, “It’s going to be okay.” door. She called out, “Come on, Mother! Don’t just
Annabel hushed and stroked the animal. The cat stand there. Let’s get me to school!”
jerked her head toward the fog lights and let out
another shriek of agony. From one of her Docs, Cuffed in the back of the squad car, Annabel
Annabel withdrew a switchblade – some boys at is beginning, through a thin veil of tears, to
school had been harassing her, and she thought, discover her perspective. Her concurrent self
better safe than sorry. “This will be over soon”, she resonates with the conviction of her recently
said. Her resolve became steel: she knew what she recalled childhood memory, uniting her with
had to do. Annabel took in a deep breath, and, as the previously forgotten and forlorn. Annabel
she exhaled, slid the blade between the cat’s ribs, swallows her dark sobbing, looks upon her arrested
extinguishing the heat of pain and, with it, her state, and, with resolve, privately confesses, I’m not
misery. guilty. . . I was never guilty. . . I don’t deserve this. . .
Annabel tried to flick the blood from off the blade I deserve better. . . And no one is ever going to give it
but had to wipe the inky, sanguine substance onto to me. . . I will just have to do it by. . . Φ
her thigh, onto her black jeans. The tears streaming

ART by Aneta Swianiewicz
21

Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no long
father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me u
Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please
become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put m
the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything
possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me
arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let m
anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gra
up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you se
let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everythin
I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can r
everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me
what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms lik
father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him
dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The G
do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I cou
live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gra
me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in
will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living
I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put
of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything
I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father w
can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him
I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram p
you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleed
If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nice
possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do bel
have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. F
longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby fa
me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everythin
please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s
Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of t
Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possess
your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms lik
live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anythi
possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until
bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live
didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no
reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him eve
don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s b
baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. F
everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dre
Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I d
could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me li
Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of m
in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father
living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the se
bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m d
him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from th
me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can r
if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me fath
The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me
you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father wi
life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of
the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things
will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the
arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a bab
I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that w
me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see n
I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give h
The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe
in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father
speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of m
Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up u
Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bough
the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can rea
I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could exp
Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your a
baby father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I gi
always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breath
pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I w

o longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby
p me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything
please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s
Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of
thing Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram
ke me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your
let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say
e Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me
ou see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will
ything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses
can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him
me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father
ms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby
e him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always
The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I
I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me
e Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of
me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father
ving the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses
g. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming
thing Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights
her what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I
him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for
ram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until
bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live.
nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram
o believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could
ve. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no
by father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap
ything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me
what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding.
g of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything
ossessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in
ms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me
nything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram
until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you see no
e live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I
I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can
m everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I
hat’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a
her. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him
s dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The
al I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I
me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The
of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me
ther will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m
he senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no
I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give
m the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed
can reach. I can reach. Take me in your laifremtMshalitUkIe’SvaeIbCaalwbbyayyfsatAdhreelrea.mFtuuelcdlke. Imbeouupghutnetvileryyotuhisnege no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been
e father for I have sinned. I’m living the I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe.
p me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until
er will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My
me of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on
hings I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father
d the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your
a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If
hat will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed
see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Fuck me up until you see no bleeding.
ive him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve always dreamed. I bought everything I didn’t need.
eathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me
ather will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Words could expose me I don’t wanna
of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. The Gram possessed me Father what’s become of me. Take me in your arms like a baby father.
e up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything
ought everything I didn’t need. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. The Gram possessed
an reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. I’m dreaming of the things I wish I could have been if
ld expose me I don’t wanna speak. Say anything that will offend me please. My life is so much nicer from the heights I’ve dreamed. The Gram possessed me
our arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the pedestal I do believe I can reach. I can reach. Take me in your arms like a
If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m living the life that I’ve
reathe. The Gram possessed the senses I no longer breathe. Take me in your arms like a baby father. Wrap me up until you see no bleeding. Put me on the
gs I wish I could have been if I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will let me live. If I give him everything Father will

A HAUNTING

by Holly Loveday

A moment to shatter your understanding
of what hits what and who gets hurt.
Its punch only settles into doughy yellow bruises a good deal after.
Crones in rounded wicker chairs have long smelt me coming
so instead she kneels and asks to reverse that lever,
turn left instead of right into cream faded bedsheets,
a billowed white shirt, you make me think of arches and honey, a sail
curved out, its mast strung by the boney edges of your pirate face.
As such, all life since is reaction or deviation.
She patters round narrow corridors with a candle, wax seeping,
cementing onto sweaty hands. This is called a haunting.
Let us then join hands, move anticlockwise and revel in the things you hated.
This is called exorcism.
She dreams of you dying in a great lake, you slip off from her and sink,
rotting at the bottom but your descent is delicate. Instead she still feels ribs
pressed into her back, clutching her waist tight like a little child.
On others, I soothe puffy eyes, wipe damp brows,
until their lines spell out trauma, too.

The Sin Issue | Φ 24

ART by Laura Empson
25

The Sin Issue | Φ 26

27

COCK, HEN, AND ROOSTER

by Quies the First

Once upon a time, in a farm far away from three of them running around on the plush carpet,
here, Cock was pecking at the grains Farmer Hen going a little slower so that Rooster could
had thrown to the ground for him. catch her before pretending to fly away.

Cock liked Farmer; he kept things clean, organized. “Hen! Rooster!” Cock’s voice boomed in the pen,
Farmer always knew when to feed Cock and gave “how dare you do this to me?! Me, the strong,
Cock much more food than he gave to Hen and tall, magnificent Cock! Don’t you see how Farmer
Rooster. That’s because Farmer knew that Cock treats me? If you only had ever been kind to me, I
was better than Hen and Rooster. Hen was always could’ve let you taste some of the grains he gives
busy looking after her little chicks, making sure me.” Pushed forward by Envy, Cock made his way
they were happy and strong, leaving less time for to the middle of the pen, pushing Hen and Rooster
her to produce as many eggs as Farmer demanded. to opposite sides.
Rooster, on the other hand, was born with a “Hen, I am obviously better than stupid, limping
shorter leg, making him uglier and less athletic Rooster. What are you doing wasting your
than Cock. Farmer knew Hen and Rooster did not precious egg-hole with such scum?!”
deserve as much grain as Cock did.

Cock was always very Proud of the treatment he Before Hen could reply, a loud yawn was
received from Farmer. Farmer built everything heard coming from the second floor. Stomping
around Cock and his needs: a new wooden pen downstairs came Wrath, rubbing her sleeping eyes
with a plush carpet – Farmer didn’t care Rooster and fluffing up her hair.
might trip on it – and no walls for privacy, so "I am so done with you! You’re just a disgusting,
that Proud Cock could always show off his body angry Cock living with a Cock-loving Farmer who
– Farmer didn’t think about whether Hen would can’t see what is in front of his own eyes" and so
mind. went on Wrath, spitting her disgust straight into
‘Yes’, thought Cock while pecking on his luscious Cock’s face, who, having been idolized since he
grains, delighted in the presence of his friend was a little chick, did not know how to respond.
Gluttony, ‘Farmer is perfect, and he shouldn’t While Cock was blinking dumbfounded, listening
change at all! Not now, nor- a worm!’. to Wrath, Hen and Rooster grabbed the cord
Cock was happily guzzling down the pink, fat used to close the pen’s door on windy nights and
worm he found on the ground, when he heard a strangled Cock from behind, choking him until
sound most familiar to him. his head was purple and he did not breathe again.
“Why, only I can make Hen coo like that!” and so Pride, Gluttony and Envy fled the scene, while
he strutted to the pen, Pride and Gluttony in tow. Wrath and Lust embraced Hen and Rooster and
Gluttony’s cousin Envy was waiting for them at the congratulated them on a job well done.
entrance. They only hoped Farmer could welcome new ways
as well. Φ

”It looks like dear sister Lust is having fun with If you liked this piece by Quies you can read more of
Hen and Rooster!” said Envy, pointing out at the their work over at crowandthefoxdog.com.

The Sin Issue | Φ ART by Cveta Gotovats
28

29

ART by Amelia Steane 30

The Sin Issue | Φ

UNORIGINAL SIN

by Dylan Ngan

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” I his mother’s suicide, a new wife who could never
remember the first time I heard those words. trust him again but stayed for the children, and
At first, it struck me as to how odd absolution the memory of a lost lover whose picture he still
seemed to be. Do your worst – as long as you ask kept secretly in his drawer.
for forgiveness – then it would all be okay. It had When we really did grow up, the world didn’t care
a striking resemblance to the bumbling attempts about whether you’re worth forgiving. It didn’t
of a child trying to make up for a terrible act of budge whether we asked for it or not. We were
mischief to avoid the full wrath of one’s furious responsible for the things we did, and we faced the
parent at all costs. consequences.
“I know what I did was wrong, I won’t do it again, What is sin? Sin is the acceptance that when we
I promise.” did things and they had painful consequences,
Gifted by the fact that we were children, we never there is no going back. When it happens, we
had to bear the full consequences of our actions. tend to be angry, to reason with the world that
All we had to do was apologise, and it would somehow, it is somebody else or something else
seemingly go away. Of course, the things we did that deserved it. The mess we inherit isn’t just, nor
weren’t that bad. We had time. We could go back. right, nor reasonable and somebody else should
Inevitably, growing up was an elegant result of this fix it. Eventually, we come to accept the fact that
process we call life. We couldn’t wait to grow up what we did was wrong. We may even want to
because we were tired of waiting for the infinite try to restart from the beginning. This time, we
possibilities that were in store for us. How we wouldn't do it again. But we cycle around the
longed for our dreams to become real; the fierce mistakes we’ve made throughout the years, and at
embrace by the freedoms of adulthood. Oh yes, some point, we begin to truly comprehend.
being older has its perks. The excitement of the Life is a process. Only, it is a pity that it is a one-
first PG-13 film, the moment we held someone’s way trip. However, we can be glad there is no need
hand for the first time, our first kiss, the first time to repeat it. The future holds hope. Even if we only
we spent money we didn’t earn, and the first time had a day, there was always something to be done.
we had to resist spending the money that we did. We all have enough time. We have agency in the
Unfortunately, it meant that when we did really world to make use of it. Sin is thinking we have
mess up, we couldn’t hide behind an apology. I time to do nothing, to ask for forgiveness rather
recall an instance where I asked two men in their than to act upon it. To an extent, we are afraid.
40s what they were doing at an arcade late in the And we should be. We always leave behind the
evening rather than being at home. They told me people who we love. But now, you do have time.
that without a wife of my own, I couldn’t empathise. You could go back. People are waiting for you. You
When they needed a breather from their other could do something. You can ask for forgiveness
halves, they would come here. Here, they ceased to from the people you owe it to. I wish I could do it
be losers. Don’t you think that seemed like running for you. I wish somebody else could. But that’s not
away, I asked. They responded that facing reality how it works.
was one matter, whether anybody understood It’s been 3 years since you’ve gone, dad. I still hope
their situations was another. One of the two men you can forgive me for not being a better son. Φ
had an affair which led to a son that hated him for

31



PINK CREATION by Nicole Collete Leon (@nicole_collete_leon)

PURGE

by Áron Gyenge

Bouge toi! – this, probably, was the first that their country was subjugated by the French
utterance of French heard by most, if not all, Empire. Still, most believed that they once were
residents in the Hungarian village south of the just like any other soldier, but they committed
Szeged-Baja-Pécs-Varasd demarcation line. The crimes in the war so unspeakable that God in His
words came from a French military officer wearing anger punished them. He abandoned their souls
a steel-blue uniform overseeing the occupation of to the devil and coloured their skin dark to let the
the town. They resonated through the dusty, thick world know their wrongs. He marked them like
air that loomed over the tiny peasant houses and He marked Cain who was the first man to be a
the depleted fields surrounding them. The same murderer.
scene must have been repeated in countless other The dissident, Éliás, was listening to the lively
hamlets and villages either in French or Serbian discussion from the corner of the room, not far
as the Entente forces took over the southern from his wife who was threading kemp fibers by
counties in accordance with the 1918 Belgrade hand. Her exquisite beauty and tender traits were
Convention. Porches and gateways were quickly evident, even in the dimly lit room. Her husband
filled with curious residents pointing at the came back from the front of Isonzo to his stagnant
column of uniform figures marching in the dirt. hometown a month ago, and returned to the day-
One could only wonder at how many dwelled in to-day tasks of the countryside like he never really
the small village even though the able men were left.
drafted in the army.

What was the task of the foreign troops or how Éliás was reluctant to believe the tales about the
long would they stay were questions nobody knew far-away lands and heavenly punishments. He
the answer to, save for the administrative delegate knew both. He had been taken away to serve in
sent from Szabadka accompanying the French Italy, had travelled greater distances than all his
officer. ancestors combined and climbed mountains
That evening the discourse in the fonó revolved higher than anyone in the village could imagine.
anxiously around the newcomers. It was asserted Yet, the people he had encountered and fought
and accepted that they were French. It was likely were ordinary men. He himself had murdered,
that they came to secure supply lines to the not only the enemy but his own captain and had
adjacent headquarters in Szabadka and to ensure to desert his battalion. Like Cain, he became a
that there are no armed partisans hiding behind restless wanderer and fugitive. Yet, he did not face
their lines. But some voiced their fears that the the wrath and punishment of the one God and he
French were here to take what little crops they had remained his old self; he remained skeptical.
after the year’s poor harvest. Views also differed The conversation about the strange newcomers
on how long the troops would stay. Some believed and their future relation to the village slowly died
most of the garrison would only stay for a week or out. The rest of the work was spent silent in the
two. Others feared that they would not leave until musty air of the fonó.
Pentecost. Yet others thought that they were to Two weeks gone by. Each day building the cold
stay until Judgement Day. tension between the invaders and the indigenous.
The most ardent debate, however, was that Most of the French felt discontented and
surrounding the strange soldiers arriving with disdainful. Some found the place and its people
the army. Their physique was stronger, their skin nothing short of barbaric. Others found the milieu
black and their hair dark and thick. Some said they similar to their homes, but lacking any kind of
came from a far-away land beyond many seas and warmth and familiarity.

The Sin Issue | Φ 34

In turn, the villagers could not relate to them as smoke of tar merged instantly with the grayness of
human; and they turned their eyes to the ground the evening. The fumes carried a dull headache to
when passing the troops. When sometimes Éliás and a sense of inevitable ruin and woe.
they, however, did dare to reveal their glances, After talking about everyday things, the delegate
the French could see nothing in them but an went on describing the new measures commanded
otherworldly dread. Human yet impossible to by the French. ‘...you see, because of the delay of
relate to. supplies, we need to log and portion all available
The sole portal connecting these two realities, foodstuff in the village. I am very sorry for this.’ He
coinciding in space, was the delegate from tried to express sympathy while turning to Éliás. ‘I
Szabadka. will have to visit your house and account for what
He received his education in the capital and you have. It will not take for long.
filled different positions of state administration ‘You are very lucky, Éliás, with the loving wife you
in the province. Despite his young age, he could have and the prospects of a peaceful living once
maintain his position during the war and had things return to normal… But I think we are all
not served in the Imperial-Royal Landwehr lucky being alive, even if feeling alien in our own
beyond the compulsory training. For the French, place. Have you served in the Landwehr?’
he was the piece that made the necessary evil of The conversation carried on sluggishly. Each word
overseeing the village possible. For the villagers, and breath widened, layer-by-layer, the invisible
he was an outsider. He did not fit in their reality divide between the two men.
that smelled like mud and was limited to the fields When they arrived, the house was empty and
surrounding the town. tranquil. Éliás led his guest in and seated him in
In spite of —or for—this reason, he was popular the kitchen. The delegate took out his book and
among the women. And Éliás often found that the laid it on the coarse, wooden table, ready to start
delegate made pronounced glances at his wife. listing. The host offered him a cup of pálinka,
Another two weeks gone by, and most of the which he accepted. Éliás went in the rear of the
troops got reassigned to build a bridge on the kitchen to the shelves and took the breadknife
Tisza river. But to Éliás, the village did not feel any from the wall. He calmly walked back to the table
emptier and the air he was breathing remained and stabbed the delegate in the back once, and
stiff and heavy. another time, and many more times until there
were no muted yelps to follow.

After a long day of carrying manure to the fields, The village’s somber silence was finally broken by
Éliás was heading home. His gloomy figure a shriek coming from Éliás’ wife. It was followed
strolled alone in the dusk on the road. Unnoticed by the excited mutters of people gathering and the
by him, another silhouette started to trail him fast-paced metallic clang of the arriving troops’
from a distant gateway. footsteps.

‘Éliás!’ the voice came from the delegate. ‘Wait Éliás was arrested without resistance and detained
for me, please.’ The representative came closer in an impoverished cell of the council building. He
and showed Éliás a friendly smile from under his heard the French vehemently arguing on the other
neatly groomed moustache. ‘I hope you allow me side of the oak door, but he was alone. He could
calling you by your Christian name.’ Saying these not understand the words they said and now there
words, he offered aptly lined cigarettes from a was no one in the town who could interpret their
metallic case. meaning.

Éliás nodded, and silently refuted the tobacco. The The two worlds present at the village were once
delegate went on and lit one by himself. The dense again completely separate.

35

After a couple of hours, the door of the cell opened
and the local priest entered followed by an armed
soldier. Éliás knew that this could have only
meant his execution the next day. He confessed
and was given the last rites. The priest left with
the soldier and the door was locked again.
Éliás did not sleep that night. He was steadily
and slowly breathing in the bitter moldy air of his
lockup. He did not feel remorse at all. He could not
grasp the weight of his deeds and his responsibility.
He could not grasp the burden of his own life and
could not conceive what the loss of it will be like.
His heart, his mind, his life, and his reality were
equally filled with gloomy emptiness.
‘There has to be something to fill this nothingness,’
he thought, ‘it cannot all be this wall of emptiness.’
He was a believer, and after all he sought God. But
the Being whose presence descended on all, and
embraced everything there is, escaped reality. And
His omnipresence made the void of the world all
the mightier.
As he was entertaining these thoughts, silently
and softly, rain started to fall. The drops became
heavier and their falling more intense. A cold bulk
of air started to flood through the hole that was
the window high up on the wall, and started to
fill the room. The cold, wet breeze purified the air
and everything it surrounded. Éliás imagined how
the water poured down on the sleeping village
and the peaceful fields surrounding it, and how
the raindrops sparkled on every blade of grass, on
every stem of crops and on every silent rooftop
they fell. If this scene was to wait for him in the
afterlife, he was happy; and having this be his
last memory of this world was also fine. The rain
made his guilt that was never present clear and
transparent.
The next dawn he was led to the yard of the council
building. The ground and walls were still wet, still
shining. He was stood in front of a line of French
riflemen. The officer announced his crime and the
punishment ruled by the military tribunal—or
so Éliás imagined. He looked at the soldiers with
resentment. In his eyes they were all Cains, ready
to shed their brother’s blood for the God knows
how manyth time in history. Φ

The Sin Issue | Φ 36

SEPTEM PECCATA CAPITALIA a photoseries by Andrea Rodríguez Schack

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41

BLACK
LIVES
MAT TER

As this issue was being put together, America, and then much of the world, erupted into protest.
At first, it was over the murder of George Floyd – an unarmed black man – by police officers, but
as the protests spread the demands broadened to include ending racism in all its forms. It is clear
to us at Phi that this is as much a cultural reckoning as it is a political one. In acknowledgement of
this astounding cultural moment and in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, we have
included a special section with poetry and essays devoted to race, as well as an anti-racist primer.

The Sin Issue | Φ 42

IF THEY WERE WHITE

by Iman Mohamed

He could have been a stock broker.
She would have been in the ads.

If they were white…
She would have been believed when she said she couldn’t breathe.
He would have been able to walk in fours on the sidewalk.

But they are not…
He was lynched.
She was ignored.

But they are not…
She was pronounced dead when she finally made it into the ER.
He was pronounced dead on the scene.
A letter to all those whose dreams were not realised because they weren’t white…
Your lives certainly mattered, had meaning and were deserving of dignity and respect.
You have a legacy and a generation not willing to disremember you,
You never needed to be white…

And your destination does not have a “negro” entrance.

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ART by Wayan Chan 44

The Sin Issue | Φ

SOMETIMES IT’S PIE

by Ruva Takawira

When I started writing this piece last week, in be less likely to get the job, because sometimes it
the middle of the Black lives Matter Instagram is pie. Relinquishing your privilege, in some cases,
and Facebook outcry, I felt so frustrated, and so will mean having ‘fewer’ opportunities. ‘Fewer’
viscerally angry. Angry because of the senseless in this case, is only relative to the longstanding
killings of black people in America and in the UK, unequal overrepresentation of white people in
frustrated because of the pervasiveness of everyday hiring practices.
racism, and tired of being confronted by everyone
else’s and my own experiences. When I started Equal rights for others, does not mean less rights
writing this, I wanted to write something vaguely for you but it might well feel like it when you
provocative, to make white people really challenge realise that you will have to lose a share of the
their commitment to racism. Since then, I’ve felt pie to ensure that everyone has the same amount.
less enraged, and thought that I should maybe write For example, people of colour are systematically
about something else, something more palatable. under-represented in boardrooms and leadership
However, I know that this is important, be it in the positions, which is where systemic change really
midst of outrage, or in the silence of contemplation: happens. Therefore, if white people really are
committed to anti-racism, they have to be willing
In the past week, I’ve seen the above quote to be in a more competitive job market. They
tweeted, shared, posted, and while I understand have to be willing to be more likely to lose out on
its sentiment, and agree that equal rights for Black a job or promotion over Jamal or Mohammed. If
people do not negate rights for white people, there a board can only have 10 board members, white
are times when white people are going to have people not only have to accept, but welcome that
to give something up to really do the work anti- they may be less likely to get the job if we’re going
racism requires. to commit to equal rights. A huge part of equal
rights is eradicating the systematic discrimination
Research from 2019 showed that 24% of applicants of people of colour in recruitment. It means hiring
from White British backgrounds received positive the best person for the job, and not the best person
responses from employers compared to 15% of of the people with the right name. It means some
minority ethnic applicants, applying with identical sort of sacrifice. Sometimes, it is pie.
content and qualifications. In fact, applicants from
minority ethnic backgrounds had to send 80% I want to see white people committing to anti-
more applications than a white person of British racism when it will cost them a pay check, a
origin to get a positive response. Moreover, a promotion, or an opportunity. For all the British
similar 1969 study referenced by the same Oxford evasiveness when it comes to money, it is central
researchers found similar results, indicating job to social mobility, and hiring practices are a
discrimination has remained unchanged in over crucial part of this. Discrimination is deeper
50 years. than just names: It is me wondering whether if I
wear my natural hair, I will seem unprofessional,
A friend of mine worked in recruitment last or unkempt. It is laughing at someone’s accent,
summer and common practice was having a pile seemingly wilfully obtuse to the fact that they
for applications with English sounding names & likely know two languages. Commitment to anti-
a second pile of names for non-English sounding racism is dismantling this discrimination too. For
names. The second pile never received much white people (particularly the Middle Classes)
— if any — consideration. The weight of this with English sounding names, you have to be
is significant in proving that Black people and willing to be less likely to get a job, you have to
BIPOC are systematically discriminated against be willing to compete for your job, otherwise your
in recruitment. Having just finished university, black tile is nothing more than lip service.
the knowledge that I would have to send out twice
the number of CVs as my white counterparts And specifically, for those attempting to rationalise
with English sounding names, in order to get any of these forms of discrimination, or whom have
the same number of responses stings particularly partaken in such practices, I highly recommend
cruelly. White people have consistently been you stop getting tattoos in Chinese or Arabic, stop
overrepresented, and to commit to anti-racist hanging tapestries and eating falafel, and stop
hiring practices, white people have to be willing to wearing ‘boxer’ braids. Our cultures are not yours
welcome true competition. In doing so, they will to play with and bastardise, flippantly as you like. Φ

45

YOU HAVE A GUN, I HAVE A PHONE

by Jessica Fatoye

you have a Gun i have a Phone

but I don’t need hd to see
what this is meant to be –

every gunshot is a symphony
of the ghosts of muffled cries,
of bloodshot eyes drained
white
like the Colour I would be
if this were just another
day to me,
if this were just another
social media trend
that i could post
and then forget again...

but my skin is as Black as the Gun you’re pointin’ at me

i can’t think...
i can’t speak...
i can’t move...
i can’t breathe.

The Sin Issue | Φ 46

to you,
there’s only two things i could be –
a Corpse
or a Criminal
and everything else is subliminal
and the truth is,
i don’t wanna be a martyr!
i wanna be a husband,
a wife,
a son,
a daughter
i don’t wanna be the face of a movement,
the next black body that’s a resting place for your bullets
i don’t wanna be the next mugshot
They use to cover up your gunshots
maybe you think this is make-believe
because i’m puttin’ you on my iphone screen –
but –
this is real,
and i bleed,
i bleed,
I
Bleed

47

WHAT CAN I DO?

PHI MAG’S NON-EXHAUSTIVE GUIDE TO ACTIVISM DURING A PANDEMIC
STEP 1: EDUCATE YOURSELF

Especially if you’re a white ally, it can be quite tempting to share articles and resources
on your stories and feeds without actually taking the time to educate yourself.
But, during lockdown we have no excuses, only extra time. So, the best thing you
can do is use that time to do the work required to be an engaged anti-racist.

READ THESE

WATCH THESE

LISTEN TO THESE

The Sin Issue | Φ 48