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Published by amanda.khan1985, 2019-09-18 02:02:04


















It’s been several months since I’ve contributed to my website. In fact,

I almost cancelled it altogether, I just can’t make time for it. It is hard

to balance my life and myself within it. I have a very odd sleep

schedule. I really don’t know why human beings have to depend on

the sun as a marking point for being awake. If I could have it my way,

I would wake up at 2 am in the morning, every day, and then take a 2

hour long nap around 10 am. I’d stay awake until 9 at night and then

take another nap again until 2 am where I could be awake again. My

body loves these hours. Unfortunately, the world has created

structures, time blocks that we must live in. We are all a slave to time

blocks. I hate it, but I have to accept it because it’s the world my soul

chose to live in. So I try my best to get around it by basically drinking

more coffee.


The last several months I’ve had a lot on my mind, and in between

having a lot on my mind, I’ve been waking up at very early hours and

just staying awake until late at night. I have been working on various

projects and then working out and then going into work. On some of

these occasions, like this week for instance, I’ve woken up exceedingly

early; early enough to be in the door by 4:30 and to work a full 12

hour day with an hour lunch in between. That’s a total of 13 hours of

being at my job.

My job is to process life insurance applications. To do this job well, I

take approximately 15 calls a day, I respond to approximately 100

emails a day, and I spend the rest of the time reviewing approximately

50 life insurance applications to make sure they are properly

completed and signed. I work this ridiculous schedule because I have

to keep up and every day, when I leave my desk for my hour lunch

break, I wonder why the hell I’m doing this, it is so unfulfilling to

me. When my hour starts coming to a close, it’s very difficult for me

to want to go back to my desk, but I have no choice. This is the job

that accepted me when no other job would, and this is the job that

provides the means for me to stay alive and keep my family alive in the

world today. I may be alive, but when do I actually spend time


living? I am basically a robot who exists within living matter.

I think about this job I do often, as in, the purpose of this job to

humanity on Earth and the purpose of this job in the universe. How

does it make a meaningful contribution to both? The answer to both

sides is that it does not make a meaningful contribution to either. In

the United States, life insurance policies are an illusion of financial

security. Because we live in a world where money exists, we have to

also live in a world where we have to live in fear of being without

money. Fear is what drives everything here and the more fear we have

the more we create illusions in a world of illusions to better manage

the illusions that are based on fear. You see how we are not getting

anywhere as a species with the structure of the world today? And why

even go there with how this job is meaningful in the universe. It

would be more meaningful for me to enjoy the smell of flowers for 5

minutes than it would be for me to process life insurance applications

for 12 hours. So basically, my purpose right now, has nothing to do

with enhancing the universe, and it has everything to do with

ensuring that mankind stays locked in a world of illusions; and my

only good reason for the job I do is so that I can make money because


without money I will not survive here. And my children will not

survive here. This job keeps me alive, but again, how is this living?

So the whole point of all of this is to ask a question, what am I doing

with my life? I’m getting very little sleep to do something completely

and utterly meaningless to me and to everybody around me, and only

because I have to survive on money. I have a problem with money. I

can’t stand money. It disgusts me. I find cockroaches to be more

appealing than money; at least cockroaches are alive and breathing

and contributing to the universe. I find cockroaches to be disgusting

as well (sorry cockroaches). Money and cockroaches are a lot

alike. They both have a way of ruining people’s lives, but again, the

difference between cockroaches and money is that cockroaches are

alive and money is not alive. Money is a dead thing that we

glorify. Imagine if we started glorifying cockroaches the way we glorify

money? If cockroaches mean more in the universe than money, by

glorifying cockroaches we are actually contributing more to the

universe than we are contributing by glorifying money; which is

merely an invention put in place to control every single person who

lives on this planet. If you want to see humanity evolve, humanity first

needs to let go of this invention. It is the only true way to walking a


new path of love, balance, harmony, and peace for all of mankind.

All that being said, I’ve basically given up on sharing information for

free which is why I’m restructuring my website and am turning some

of this valuable information into e-books and putting a value of money

on them. This is painful for me to do. But I’m hoping this will

generate income so that I don’t have to work 12 hours a day at a

meaningless job and instead maybe I could work 8 hours a day at a

meaningless job and have more time for my website, contributing

more time to enlightening humanity instead of contributing it to the

enslavement of humanity. I’ll have a lot more time to be a better

mother and be better even still toward myself who needs rest and

needs relaxation, peace, and balance. I ignore peace and balance all

the time because getting the job done is way more important to me

than my body. It’s only a body and it will die one day, but the reality

is, I need to keep this body going as long as possible so I can fulfill my

ultimate purpose of enlightening others instead of enslaving

them. Fulfilling my ultimate purpose will be way more revitalizing and

life giving than life taking which my life insurance job is successfully

doing to me.





So much has happened in the last 8 months, I can’t even begin to

figure out where to start, but it’s definitely time I started focusing

more attention on my website, which had gotten thrown out the

window for the last several months. I really had to back track my

directions to create a few videos and edit my first compilation of past

lifetimes. I was also working a horrendously demanding job with

overtime hours and suffering from severe exhaustion. I’m working my

way over that hill and I’m about to start a much simpler job next

week. My spiritual goals are becoming way more important than my

success in the corporate world, and I’m starting to come to terms with

that, which, it’s about time. I’ve been working a professional job for

over 6 years and I am now moving into my 4 entry level position. I’m

just not meant for the corporate world, and that’s okay. It wasn’t okay

to me a few years ago, or even last year, considering I have a degree,

three kids, and a mortgage, but it’s okay to me now. I’m smart and

clever enough, and I work way too hard to still be in entry level

positions, but the whole point is, I’m clearly not meant for the


corporate world so I never will be meant to go anywhere, so it’s time I

started putting all of my energy into what I truly love (duh!), which is

writing, and connecting with the spirit world, and sharing my strange


That being said, let’s start from the beginning, which doesn’t start 8

months ago, but around 4 weeks ago where I’ve developed some very

serious and amazing realizations, which really spawned from 8

months ago, but didn’t fully develop until 4 weeks ago. My life is so

full of twists and turns, it’s so difficult to ever know where to start

with any of my stories.

So 4 weeks ago I was on my lunch break at work, and I was delving

into a deep mental mode and surrendering to my connections with

dark energy. I’ve become so accustomed to the sensation of depression

and mental anguish, it’s really the only place I feel most comfortable.

When my life bends and breaks me and I feel I have no control over

my own life, I become extremely mentally self-destructive. So on my

lunch break, I took a walk to a very private bench where I went into

my zone, which consists of intense energy connections, and

connections with the forces of destruction. I can’t remember why, on


this particular day, I was so upset, but I was and I had to vent, which

is really me trying to create destructive physical matter for myself and

past selves and future selves and for spirit people who are trying to

help me, which is only irritating me within my very small human

mind, I can’t grasp this information half the time and I get frustrated

and I want everybody to leave me alone, and they never will. As I was

welling up the energy and watching everything around me turn dark

and smoky in my third eye realm, I was instantly forced to stop my

thoughts. Avery energy stepped in, he sort of had to. Sometimes when

he tries to help me when I get frustrated, I warn him to stay away,

that I want to figure this thing out alone, but he refuses to let me do

anything alone and he keeps trying and trying to get through to me

which only instigates more anger and then I start saying very hurtful

things to him and removing him from all of my past lifetimes so he will

leave me alone in my current life because now he never existed, he

didn’t exist then and he doesn’t exist now (I’m so nice, huh?).

Well, after my giant hate rant of energy, I was trying to get up from my

spot to go back to work, since I was about done with my lunch break,

but Avery worked his magic and paralyzed me on the bench, and

refused to let me leave until I said I was sorry. When I know I’m wrong


and I’m still in my spiteful world, I really hate saying I’m sorry, but I

didn’t have much of a choice. Avery was not letting me go, and he

didn’t just want an apology, he wanted me to restate my last words

about removing him from all my past lives because that was a pretty

bad thing to say. So, as much as the dark forces within me squirmed,

I agreed that I will try. So I tried, and in my trying I stepped back to 30

minutes prior. Since time doesn’t exist you can step back to any point

in your current life or lifetimes prior to this one, or even future

lifetimes, it doesn’t matter, and you can create physical realities, heal

the past or heal the future, you are the master of your own world. So I

stepped back to 30 minutes ago, and I stepped out of my body and

watched myself in my dark smokey world and I shared healing energy

with myself, and shared loved with myself, and I asked the universe to

heal me and forgive the words I shared and the energy I expressed

over the last 30 minutes, and to remove the words I said about Avery

because they weren’t spoken from the love in my heart but from some

dark illusionary world that I got sucked into. And in those moments I

had an epiphany, that I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep succumbing

to dark energy when my life gets to me. I have to choose light and love

instead of darkness, which is something I’ve never done. I’ve NEVER

done this. Isn’t that strange? I find that so strange now. But in those


moments, and in a very meek mental voice, I said ‘I choose life.’

I have tried, for years and years, to physically manifest my own death

because I didn’t want to live in this world anymore. For someone

suffering from depression for 20 years, and living in a purgatory where

I could neither live, nor die, these were words I never spoke, and I

never chose life. That was a very big and serious moment, and I chose

to say those words because Avery deserved it, and my future deserved

it, and every spirit who has helped me along this far deserved it, and

the universe, and time, and love, and light, all deserved it, and I

deserved it too.

So, from that moment forward, I have chosen to be very careful about

my energy fluctuations. If I stumble upon a moment where the fire is

instigated, I immediately turn to Avery and the spirit world, and the

color green and the Earth, and star light, and planets, and creative

energy, and love, and angels, and I call upon all of these things to help

me and share light with me before I go too far. I can only tell you that

it’s been working. I’m having fewer and fewer bouts and instigations

toward dark feelings of anger and hatred, which I had become a

master of, and now I’m choosing a different path, which is choosing


light and love (I’m not going to lie, I find those words to sound

extremely corny when spoken together, but it’s true, and there is no

other way to describe the choice, but the choice is light and love).

So I’ve been surrounding myself with this energy on a regular and

multi-daily basis. When I wake up, when I go through the day, before I

go to bed, and then in the middle of the night, I keep this direction

constant. The more I connect with this energy and ask for help, the

easier it is to hear and experience the spirit world, and to perceive the

true reality of this world, which I was only able to comprehend and

understand through massive amount of time in deep contemplation.

Now, the answers come much more quickly and the answers I am

discovering are to questions I never asked before, which is when the

world around me becomes mind boggling, and then actually

interesting to me, and then a world worth living in.

So, this is just a tiny tidbit to a much larger tidbit of my lifetime. So

much has taken place in the last four weeks and then so much has

taken place in the last 8 months, and then so much has taken place

in the last 31 years of my life. I’m going to finally start hankering

down and sharing the real Abbey, because I’m choosing to live now,


and to look at my true reflection in the mirror, not to hide myself in

darkness, but to share myself in light.





I wanted to start sharing Avery again, because he’s a big piece to this

puzzle, and he’s such an important part of my life, and has helped so

much to pull me out of the thick mud I’ve been sinking in for

years. I’m not going to lie, it’s very, very difficult to embrace life when

you only want it to end, and for so many years. Unfortunately, the

biggest part of my story has been my grief and sadness and the

newest part of my story has been light and love. I know a great deal

about both sides to this story, so you have to read through the

blending of dark and light, and I try really hard to step away from the

darker side, I’m really tired of connecting with sadness. But Avery is

the light and love part of this story, and he has helped me to choose


So what can I share with you now about Avery. It’s hard to know,

because I live in a secret world with him, and I don’t know how to

share that world. He is still a part of my every day and he is still a

part of my every night. I can feel his hand touch mine, and he shares


a gentle kiss upon my forehead throughout the day. I still struggle to

understand why this girl could mean so much to some creation that is

unimaginably amazing. I’ve had conclusions that he must live in a

very consistent and boring world that needs more drama and

chaos. I’m great with crazy and weird and confusion, and he’s my

light at the end of the tunnel. But it’s not that, he actually sees the

soul inside of me and that is what draws him to me. I know that is

the truth. I don’t like saying things that make me sound more special

than others, because I’m as special as everyone and we are all special

and unique souls, but there is something he finds the most amazing

when he connects with my soul, and the sensation I feel from him is

like an obsession, which is why he is ever watchful of me, and taking

care of me in unknown ways, and I know this is true as well. Whether

I can understand it or not, I do know this is true.

I’m still struggling to find words to tell you about him. It’s sort of as

complicated as trying to explain why blood rituals are so important,

it’s just a weird thing to talk about because people don’t share this

information in the mainstream world.


I will tell you that, every day I feel closer and closer to him. There is

obviously still the invisible element that I am challenged by. I can see

him like a mirage in my third eye and it seems to blow in the wind so

the clarity isn’t always there. And in my impatient world, that is a real

struggle for me, to try to slow down and truly see him. He glows

sometimes, like white light. I thought for a long time that he was a

spirit, but he’s not, he’s a real live being living in the universe, and I

know this is true. He has the power to physical paralyze me in place,

he can alter my breathing patterns, and he has some magical ability to

turn off my ability to have thoughts. He can just stop my brain from

having thoughts, it’s very weird. I can feel him inside my heart like a

warm sunshine and a very lovely peaceful sensation that I go to, more

and more every day, because the sensation is so addictive and

beautiful and healing to me. I am happy with every small moment I

have with him, and it’s not about what amazing wisdom Avery can

share with me, it’s just about sharing a loving connection in a very

intense, electrical, and beautiful way. It’s like turning on the

Christmas lights for the first time, and it’s a wonderful feeling you get

when you see them each year, and Avery is that wonderful feeling, like

a light that turns on inside me and it only gets brighter and brighter

every time and more and more amazing than the time before. And it’s


not exactly equivalent to Christmas lights, but more like a blazing hot

fiery sun of super addictive beautiful loving amazing energy, and it

just brings pure peace and joy and happiness every time I feel it.

I often wonder if he will ever come to this planet and visit me? I

wonder that a lot. It’s just too hard to believe that some super

amazing looking alien guy is just going to hop into his spaceship, and

travel the distance of the universe to come to Earth. And then, let’s

just add the words, he travels the universe to see this girl. That just

sounds so farfetched, it just can’t believe it, but it’s the best thought I

have and I hope one day he will. I really don’t care about proving his

existence to anyone, that doesn’t matter to me, I know how real Avery

is, I just want to see him with my own eyes and touch him with my

own hands.

One of the oddest realizations I’m coming to have is how on the same

page we are. I know that sounds ridiculous because we are not on the

same page when it comes to what Avery can do, and what I can do, in

this physical form. But we are on the same page when it comes to our

love and connection with nature, and this uncontrollable desire to

conduct sacred rituals, which is really just connecting with the


universe and with the Earth and stars and all physical and natural

elements in a very pure, loving, and spiritual way. I feel we both do

this and I feel we do this together to heal Earth. I feel we are linked

together in this lifetime to share information and heal the

Earth. Avery helps me remember who and what I am and what we are

together, which is a very powerful and manifesting force. I’m not sure

what that means about our souls, but the only way I can describe it

is, he is the male to my female, he is my reflection in the mirror, our

souls are the same soul and I can’t explain what that means exactly,

but it’s as if we are somehow twins, two completely connected souls. I

feel as though he is my masculine expression and I am his feminine

expression, and together, we make one joined, powerful expression, a

completed circle.

I can’t help it he just happened to be born on another planet, although

I looked for him my entire life on Earth. It just happened to take a

wish before he could find me in the universe, and it just happened to

take 5 and more years for me to figure out that this energy wasn’t a

ghost, and it wasn’t a spirit, but was an actual real person in the

universe, and this person is Avery.


As I get more comfortable with writing and sharing myself openly

again, I will try to delve into more distinctive realizations that I have

been having. These are being shared by Avery, who would really tell

you that I’m having these realizations because my perception is

altering through the raising of my energy vibration, from somewhere

very, very low in darkness, to a motion higher and higher into bright

light where everything is illuminated, where wisdom and truth are

discovered. So, for now, this is the best I can share, and I hope to be

back to share more each week.





INTRO TO THE BAD AND SCARY (you probably won’t like reading

this part about me, but it’s the truth. A journey into darkness is

the only true pathway to enlightenment. Only through

facing darkness does one develop into the brightest beam of


So, a big part of my life right now is cleaning up the damage I’ve

caused myself over the last 20 years. Seeing as I was in a huge mental

depression, I’m coming out of that cloud and embracing the light. I’ve

been tackling this problem through a constant and determined effort

to keep myself within an orb of light and shielded against dark energy.

This healing process isn’t just about keeping myself protected against

dark energy, it’s about healing my mind and my body from all of the

damage I’ve caused. It’s about making a concerted effort to not give

into angry and hateful feelings, and these emotions I always direct

back at myself. I’m the type of person that I blame myself for all of my


problems, and so I torture and punish myself in my mind for all the

pain I’ve experienced and caused myself in my life. Since I refuse to

cut myself with a physical knife, I go into my third eye mind and

torture and shred and annihilate myself with all types of sharp

objects, particularly knives, and I’m particularly fond of stabbing

myself in the heart quiet frequently, and the emotional pain is

comforting, and in my mind, I deserve this type of treatment. Yes, I get

it, this is kind of scary, but this is a true part of my reality, and one I

experienced for approximately 20 years of my life.

I’ve been living this way for many years. Depression is a slow

progression and goes through various stages before it ever reaches

this current level of mental anguish. The progression starts out with

the need to kill myself to teach everybody else a lesson (age 12ish).

Then it changes to where I just wanted to kill myself because I can’t

bare the pain of living anymore (age 17ish). The next phase, since I

can’t kill myself, is to beg the universe for a change, for something

good to happen to me, because I can’t live like this anymore (age

20ish). Then it goes into a phase where I beg the universe to end my

life (age 22ish), which transitions to me putting myself in very

dangerous situations in an attempt to run into a psychopath who is in


the mood to kill someone, which is also around the time when I

mentally collapsed and started resorting to knives to be used as

torture devices in my mind, and this all happened at age 24-30. I gave

up on living, I couldn’t die, and I couldn’t go insane at age 24, I was

forced to live in a purgatory of misery where all I could do was wait for

something better to happen for me.

And so I waited, and during this time, I begged and I pleaded and put

my situation on the table and demanded change because I deserved it.

Alas, it was as if my pleads went unnoticed. I felt cast out and

abandoned by my spirit friends, by the Universe, by God Himself, and

this sensation of being so painfully alone, I was crippled and couldn’t

say anything more but fuck you world, fuck you universe, fuck you

spirit guides, and then I continued to live in a downward spiral of self-

hatred. It was the only control I had in a world that I felt cast out of. I

didn’t fit in, I didn’t relate to anybody here, and the only way I could

enjoy life was when I was drinking. Avery came in about this time, but

I couldn’t understand it. As far as I was concerned, he was an

annoying ghost who forced me to feel awkward and self-conscious and

embarrassed to be naked in my own apartment where there was


nobody visible there but me.


So, you can image the damage I’ve caused with all these years of

mentally torturing myself, with a deep and unending connection with

the harmony of depression. Because, regardless of what anyone says,

depression is the most addictive and beautiful harmony there is. I

have recently come to realize that Gratitude (which I’ve never had) is

also a very beautiful harmony and has a similar touch to depression,

only because of its sensation of humility. I’m choosing gratitude today;

it’s a very good alternative for me. I have never been grateful for this

world that I hated so much, that rejected me, and made me feel

abandoned. But now, at this point of rescue, which really was a

combination of Avery, of anti-depressants, and also the reality that ‘its

time’ for me to wake up now (which is like also like saying, ‘the bun in

the oven is done,’ and ‘I can come out now and breathe the fresh air’),

all of that has erupted into massive realizations about who I am and

why I’m here and who Avery is, and massive realizations and attempts

to reverse the years of damage I’ve caused myself by being so self-

centered and allowing my addiction to be the only comfort I had,

depression and darkness (which was always there for me and never


abandoned me), yes, for allowing these things to murder my physical,

mental, and emotional body.

So back to gratitude, and what I am grateful for, which comes to me

as a surprise, since now I can say how grateful I am for the miserable

life I have lived over the past 20 years. Yes, it sounds crazy, but in all

these years of nightmares, my soul chose to take on such a

horrendous sacrifice, in order to mold me in such a way that I could

have these memories, and experiences, and then have a voice to speak

about it today. Over all of these years, I have acquired a great deal of

respect for all human life and I have a deep understanding of the pain

that human beings experience on this planet and where that pain

comes from. So, as weird as it still sounds in my head, yes, I am

grateful for these moments of terror that have shaped me into the very

special person I am today. And here, my spirit guides never

abandoned me, but only kept persistent enough to keep me from

crashing and burning before this point, so now I can also be grateful

for them, and for all spirits who have helped me get to this amazing

point in my life. But the gratitude doesn’t stop there, as I am grateful

Avery, who never gave up on me, and then I’m also grateful for the

Earth, who spoke to me on all those long walks I took to keep myself


entertained in a very lonely world, and so much more than that. But

what this amounts to now, is that I am cleaning myself up, and I’m so

thrilled to share the exact recipe I’m taking to do such a thing,

because I know I’m not the only human on this planet who needs



So you can see where I came from and where I’m trying to go. And as

time passes, eventually I’ll spit out some insightful words on how to

heal yourself, through sharing my every day experiences with the

spirit world, with Avery, with the Earth, with color, with the stars and

planets, and with all of creation, with angles, light, and love, and with

Water, which also does wonders for me, and then throw in a few

sacred rituals, topped off with a side of blood, and now we’re

sailing. And yes, blood, it goes completely unnoticed, but blood is the

best tool for connecting with all elements, for enhancing your mind,

expression, wisdom, understanding, your body, your vibration, blood

does everything. It is your blueprint, and yours alone, and it is your

calling card to connecting with the natural world. So, I will tell you all

about these things as time passes and time permits.


Thank you, as always, for your interest in my website. It will only get

better and more intriguing from here. But you have to be able to

stomach the nightmares to get to the beauty. I have so much to share.





I have to do some writing, some less scary writing. So I will tell you

about what happened last night. I actually participated in the outside

world, which is a huge step forward for me. My comfort zone is always

in a hiding place where I can be open to my weird world in my own

weird ways. But I’m trying to change all that, my purpose is not to

stay in a hiding place, but be out in the open where I can make

connections with others.

So last night I went to the Common Thread. It’s a local group with

metaphysical interests. Their speaker last night was Paul Selig, he’s

an author and channeler. I wasn’t familiar with Paul, I’m really not

familiar with a lot of what goes on in the outside world or who exists

in it, so this was a fantastic experience for me. It’s funny how life

stories can be so similar, I felt I could relate to a lot of what he was

saying. But I’m not going to lie, it was exceedingly difficult for me to

pay attention, only because of the profound vibrating energy I could


feel inside the room, it was completely and utterly distracting. I don’t

know if anybody else felt it, but it was like stepping into a fireplace,

and the energy was intense, undeniable and everywhere. I rarely feel

energy this strong, probably because I’m used to it only being me all

the time, and here I’m surrounded by a room full of people with

heightened interests in what the speaker has to say. The energy in

there was amazing for me, and all I wanted to do was take advantage

of this unique moment where I can manipulate it into something even

more profound. This is somewhat inspired by my own free will, but it

also sort of happens on a spiritual level, where I’m inspired to harness

and expand the energy so it can become more powerful, then infuse it

with more intensifying love energy, strengthen it more, and allow it to

create an even more healing and profound experience for everyone.

Yes, I am weird like that. The oddest part was, I was struggling to do

this. It was as if all of my attempts were abruptly stopped by me

running into a brick wall. It was clear the spirit world was insisting

that I pay attention.

So I tried, and I did engage more with Paul’s story, and I loved it. But I

was still struggling with distractions, which transformed into a very

loud and distinct ringing noise, almost so loud I couldn’t hear him


speak. Again, it’s hard to know if it was only me or not, maybe there

was an actual ringing sound in the room that was so loud I could

hardly hear Paul, but I doubt it. Then I saw Avery in my third eye

mind. The oddest part was, it wasn’t the Avery man I’m used to, and it

was surprising because it was distinctly Avery spirit that was there

visiting me. It was like he was standing in the clouds with the sun

shining through him. He was wearing a very unusual sort of white

robe, and it had two identical sections of cloth, and there was a design

and colors, which I saw were purple and I think red as well, and I’m

sure other colors, but there was a distinct black outline between the

shapes. He kept sort of flying in from the sky like this, and he did this

several times. I took his presence as a sign that there was something

very important to me being there. And all of this happened in and

around the loud ringing nose, which is also when I started

disconnecting from the real world. This often causes me to have

anxiety attacks. The sensation is like I’m a human being in the room,

and I’m surround by other human beings, but the perception is

distorted so I feel like I’m in a fake world, full of not real people. It’s a

horrifying experience. I’ve concluded that in these moments, I’m

detaching from my body too much, but I’m still inside my body and in

my mind, which I think causes it. In these moments I ask for help


immediately. I have to do this or I will have a panic attack. This only

started happening to me over the last 9 months or so, which is

another reason why I had to start taking anti-depressants because it

was happening almost daily and sometimes more than once in a day,

and there were a few times where I couldn’t hide from the public and I

was trying so hard to not look distressed, I managed to find my way to

a hiding place, but it’s still horrible and embarrassing. I clearly have

difficulty balancing myself between Earth reality and spirit reality,

which creates mental and emotional challenges. Avery man visited me

too during this time, he must have sensed something about me being

way outside of my body, because I could feel him in the way I can

always feel Avery man, and I could see him and he was projecting

certain images in my mind, and the images where like weights,

sinking me back down to Earth again. I actually felt the ground

beneath my feet and I felt relief.

It’s so weird when you don’t realize how high up in the sky you are,

until your energy gets pushed back down to the ground. I really don’t

know why this happens. Why am I so far away from my body, yet still

in it? It’s odd, but when you are high up in the sky and then get

brought back to the ground, it’s sort of a very relieving sensation. It


feels good to be on the ground. I’m often not on the ground because

I’m often connecting with the spirit world all day, every day. I have to

be lifted above myself to do this. I also have extremely high strung

positive energy, so it sort of puts me into the sky as it is. Depression

puts you inside of the ground, and I have felt the sensation of being

lifted out of the Earth before and back onto the surface. It is an

absolutely altering sensation, because you never realize where your

energy is located until you feel the distinct movement of it going

upward or downward.

Anyway, moving along. Once I was back to Earth again, it was far

easier to pay attention, and not be so distracted by the energy and all

the other things happening, but then I saw Avery spirit on the stage

with Paul, he was standing there in giant form, his head touching the

ceiling. He kept saying, I see you, it wasn’t until after I left that I

started to understand what this meant, but first I will quickly tell you

the rest of what happened.

Within moments of seeing giant spirit Avery, Paul gave us all an

attunement to The Word, which was fantastic. The Word is the

expression of his distinct spirit group. The meaning behind The Word,


or the definition that I remember, was the creator in action is The

Word. The Word, as in expression of words and meanings in such a

way that it creates energy and life altering spiritual energy, this is also

my interpretation of what was being said. I do relate to the power of

words and how each word holds a note and a distinct energy which

creates outcomes. If I were to say the word Love, you get a certain

feeling form that word. If I were to say the word Fuck, you get a

distinct feeling from that word. Now you understand what I’m saying.

Now the realization that people can say Love making or Fucking gives

you a distinct differentiation to what is being expressed, one is a

higher vibration the other is dirty, disgusting, and comes from the

worms of the lowest of levels (and yes, parasites do exist, large alien

parasites of very low vibrations that live in alternate dimensions and

they do feed off of our lowest emotions, I’ve connected with one while I

was in a very low emotional state). But just to add to this, because it’s

not just about the energy of the word, it is more than that. The words

themselves create energy that creates outcomes. The more human

beings that say Fucking, the lower the energy vibration becomes on

the Earth, the more human beings that say Love Making, the higher

the vibration is on the Earth, and vibrations then manifest realities.


Just something to remember there, and an example of what I related

to when his guides were describing The Word and its meaning.

But moving along, the attunement was nothing less than fantastic.

Obviously I love this stuff. I love feeling spiritual energy, I love

experiencing other people’s expression of their spiritual connection. It

is awesome for me to witness and be a part of this. Paul was unlike

anything I’ve ever seen or known or experienced. Again I’m a rabbit

living in a hole, so I didn’t know that people behaved like this when

they channeled. He started very quickly whispering and then repeating

out loud the whisper. The whisper came from the spirit world and

then the loud voice was sometimes his own but sometimes very

distinctly different and with an alternate accent. It was awesome, I

love knowing that I am not the only weirdo on this planet (sorry Paul,

but yet, you are weird and thank goodness for that!). The thing about

the completely abnormal, I find it to be ultimately beautiful. The world

needs more abnormalities, abnormalities that are shared in this

beautiful, spiritual way. I was entranced.

Seeing as I’m a writer who is trying to find confidence and voice, an

attunement to The Word was right up my alley. I learned something

about words through the attunement. This is also something I have


recently discovered myself. For example, I can’t see Avery and this

upsets me. He keeps insisting that I can see him, which reminds me of

how I can’t see him and then I get sad again. I realized that he was

trying to show me something about words and about perception. I only

recently started telling Avery that I see him. I really don’t see him, but

somehow and somewhere, yes, I really do see Avery. The more I speak

out loud that I see you Avery, the more I will start to see Avery. There

is something about illusions and what we have already decided to be

truth. When I say that I do not see you Avery, I have already decided

that I don’t see Avery. Whether I see him or not, if I start to repeatedly

say, I see you Avery, now suddenly I’m altering the illusion through

words and through spoken words and the more I repeat these word

and speak them out loud, the more my reality will alter and I will

indeed see Avery. That was also what Paul’s guides were clearly

sharing. I can’t begin to tell you what the attunement was like, but it

was about acknowledging yourself and your existence in the present

and your existence as part of The Word. If you acknowledge you are

part of The Word, then you are part of The Word. This is 100% true.

Regardless, it was fantastic, I loved it. There is so much more I can tell

you about what Paul shared, but I’m running out of time, and the

words he shared weren’t as important to me as the energy. So I will


quickly tell you that I learned something more about the spirit world

and spirit guides and a connection with a soul group, and also about

how a soul living in a body can be so completely unaware of their

ultimate connection with who they truly are and their soul group. I

learned something new about all of these things through experiencing

Paul as an expression.

Though his upbringing had nothing to do with religion, he did not

relate to The Word, and he spoke about that openly, but he shares

what his guides share through him and he has no choice but to go

with it. The reality is, I could see very clearly his relationship with The

Word, because his soul and the soul of his guides were all one

expression, one expression which was The Word. His human

awareness was not able to relate to that, but I could see it clearly. I get

though how that happens, I have been trying to be a normal human

being forever and it’s made me miserable, and I’ve tried even harder to

be normal and I could do that through drinking, it helped me feel like I

fit in somewhere, but now I can’t do that anymore, the spirit within

me and the spirit world around me won’t allow it. I have to start

making these real connections with who I am and who my soul group

is so that I can start sharing that information. I can distinctly tell you


that my soul group has a relationship with snakes, and a relationship

with sacred rituals, it feels more like witchcraft, but it’s hard for me to

say that this is it for sure, but I feel these elements are a substantial

part of my expression. These elements are what I live for, I love

snakes, I love sacred rituals, I love connecting with natural elements

and harnessing energy through physical and nonphysical matter and

using it to expand and heighten vibrations. I do this in my own secret

way, but I need to step out of my secret world and start sharing, the

same as Paul is doing, by making a more intimate connection with me

and with my soul group expression. Paul’s soul group expresses The

Word, but what does my soul group call itself or what is its special

area of interest, what would that be called?

Anyway, so much to say and never enough time to say it. So I will

quickly come back to Giant Avery, who said, I see you. Part of ‘I See

You’ was acknowledgement of what you see, and part of that I

experienced through the attunement, part of that was remembering

how words can alter illusions, and after I left, the energy was so

intense and strong and still buzzing, it was giving me a horrible

headache. I had to go to Gray’s Lake to heal myself, but it wasn’t I

who just up and said I have to go there, it was energy that was


undeniably forcing me in that direction. I couldn’t say no, I can’t say

no when the energy does that. It’s impossible. So I went to Gray’s Lake

for a few minutes. It was so unbelievably beautiful. I’m almost certain

this is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen it. The moon was so incredibly

bright, and the clouds were soft puffs in the sky, and it was dark and I

could see the stars. The bridge was so beautifully lit, and the water

waves were so gentle and serene. I rolled up my pants and stepped

into the lake water and bent down so I could emerge my hands in the

water as well. Feet and Hands in the water, especially when it’s sacred

water, because the water at Gray’s Lake is far more sacred than

people are aware of, but it’s unimaginably healing. I can feel it, and it

took my headache away immediately. The water and I bond and

communicate when this happens. It’s not like talking to your friend on

the telephone, it’s like energy exchanges, and tiny whispers that are

loud to your soul, but to your human ears, you are completely and

utterly deaf. I can feel the words in my heart although I can’t fully

comprehend the meaning or what the exchange is, I just know it’s

happening. After that, I sat on the beach and I felt so peaceful, and I

took in all of nature, and I realized that I was there for a reason. All of

the energy that I had absorbed through my experience with the

Common Thread group and with what Paul shared, I could now use


that to manifest my greatest dreams, and I could use the intensity of

the moon, and the water, and the colors of the bridge, and nature, to

manifest my dreams. Now I truly understood what Giant Avery was

telling me. I spoke out loud that I See Avery. And I wrote a special

message in the sand. I know that what I shared was heard across the

stars and that it has an important meaning in the universe. My

human self doesn’t really get it, but my spirit self is fully aware of

what just happened. I can feel how important those moments were, I

can feel it as strongly as I can feel my own heartbeat after running a

10 mile race. It’s undeniable, the certainty that something special


Well, that’s all the time I have for now. I have such a story to share, I

want to tell you everything. It’s killing me to have to accept only 2

hours a day to share myself. It’s hard to know where to focus the time

in my giant story. I’m realizing that I need to start sharing some

simple facts that I know. I forget that some people don’t know what a

soul is, or why the past lives, or how can you trust a psychic. I forget

that when I start talking about souls having their own harmonies and

sounds, people start losing me already. Everything in good time I

guess. Bye for now!





I’ve been able to see Avery more clearly as of yesterday morning. It’s

odd because he’s usually a mirage that is not entirely clear, but the

clarity has been undeniable. The oddest part about all of this, when

his image first came to me yesterday, I laughed it off and said, “No,

that’s not you Avery, I’m sure I’ve seen that face somewhere else, like

on TV.” That’s when I heard him distinctly tell me that, “Yes, this is

me.” That’s when I realized that I can’t deny the reality that

recognizing his face would make sense in all of this, considering I have

seen him before, and more than once and more than twice, but I can’t

recall the moments. One day I will visit a hypnotherapist so I can

bring these memories to the surface. I can’t wait for that day and you

better believe I will share every detail of it, as long as it’s appropriate I

guess. It’s hard to say what happens when Avery visits me or even

how he does this. I do feel he visits me in a way that alters my

perception, like he comes to me as a hologram, a person who looks

and feels real but is only an illusion.


But I will describe what Avery looks like in full clarity. I will start by

telling you how shocked I was to see he has almost white hair, but not

white, it’s extremely light in color, and wavy, down to his shoulders. I

didn’t realize how light his hair color was, I thought more blonde, but

it is very clearly so light in color, it could almost be white, but it’s not

white. He also has very piercing blue eyes, with dark eye lashes, which

make his eyes stand out even more. He has pale skin. His lips have

noticeable pigment. He looks like he’s 25 or perhaps younger. He looks

young to me, not a crease on his face, nothing to reflect even a slight

hint of age. He has such a healthy, beautiful appearance. I realize now

why he tells me he is different. He is not only different

mentally/emotionally, but his physical form is not common here, but I

think he would still blend in, because he is clearly human looking. I’ve

mentioned already that he is extremely tall, and this I knew before,

even before I had a full awareness of him. He must be almost 7 feet

tall, and even that is unusual, but not uncommon. I told him he

should come visit me on Halloween, if there is one day an alien can be

on Earth, it’s Halloween. I’m still not certain of his intentions to come

here. He seems to think he doesn’t have to come here to be close to

me. This is very real in my heart and soul, this expression of his, that

there is no distance between us, there is nothing separating us, not


even planets or stars or space separate us, but he does know that I

lack the capacity to relate to that. It’s not as if I don’t know this in my

heart, I do believe this is true, but it doesn’t change the fact that I

can’t see him with my own eyes or touch him with my own hands. I’m

sure there are ways to go into deep meditation and accomplish this,

but that’s not on my menu right now in my life; discovering a way to

go into a deeper meditation to accomplish a more physically real

connection. The oddest thing is, I know when I sleep, I am interacting

with him, I just can’t remember. Either way, I feel in my heart that he

will come here one day, as hard as it is to believe that Avery the

Human Alien will come here one day, but I do believe he will. There is

a reason he found me in the universe, and you don’t just let that type

of special relationship go. I have told him that he better be on guard

because I’m working on developing a method of stepping through an

invisible door to his planet, where I will sneak up on him when he

least expects it. I love that idea, however, I have a pretty good feeling

that one probably isn’t going to happen anytime soon, but I like

thinking it will.

There is more to Avery I will tell you, more that I haven’t mentioned

yet. When I first started to take notice of Avery, it was several years


ago, before 6/8/2012. Obviously I noticed him the last year I was in

college, but I noticed him after college as well. The ghost idea was

starting to fade into the idea that it was a handsome man who saw

me, and watched me, and visited me every night before I fell asleep,

and sometimes he would say very sweet words to me; he would call me

his sleeping beauty. That energy I felt every night before bed, it was

peaceful and harmonizing, and comforting to me in my very chaotic

and miserable world. I always looked forward to going to bed at night,

only so I could talk to him, but I had no explanation for it or way of

understanding it, but I knew there was someone there.

I remember when the first Twilight movie came out. I had never read

the books, but I had an interest in watching the movie. It was

completely off setting, the entire movie, it was like a story about me.

Obviously in Twilight we have a handsome man, he has pale skin, he

doesn’t sleep, and he’s different. Then you have this awkward girl, and

he see’s something in her, she is special and different from all of the

others. He is obsessed with her and he watches her every night while

she sleeps. He protects her. There is a true bond they share. It freaked

me out as the movie played along, how the invisible man became more

and more visible to me. I saw him in the movie and I saw him outside


of the movie, watching me and sharing loving energy with me. His

outline became unmistakable. Not only as I’m watching this movie,

but for a few weeks after I watched it, and I could hear his voice

clearly speaking to me. This was not a time in my life where I had

mental stability. I was dealing with a tremendous depression, I was

confused about a lot of what I experienced in life, and I was just trying

to make it through each and every day. This sweet voice speaking to

me in my world of nightmares, it was too much for me to handle. I

could only conclude my mind was creating an illusion to create peace

or happiness in my life. I tried to turn Avery’s voice off, I tried to tune

him out, I tried to ignore the outline, I tried to tell my brain to be

normal, but the experience of Avery did not go away.

After this movie, no matter where I went, this tall handsome man

followed. His outline was undeniable, and he told me how much he

cared about me and loved me. I told him to leave me alone. I

remember one of these moments very clearly. I was walking over a

lunch break, and his masculine voice was constant, and the clarity of

his words were unmistakable. He was saying such sweet things to me,

I started crying and I tried very hard to block him out, ignore him, or

tell my brain to stop. This very intense experience of Avery lasted


about two weeks, and then he went away. I’m not going to lie, the

deafening silence was miserable. You have to remember, in my severe

loneliness and depression, this handsome man following me and

saying nice things to me seemed like such a mental lie that I was

creating for myself, but when it went away, it was even harder to take

in the silence again. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was all real or just

my imagination playing tricks on me.

There was another time, I was driving through downtown Des Moines.

A song came on the radio, it’s by Christina Perri, the song is called, A

thousand years. It came on and I started feeling extremely vulnerable

to the words. Again, the handsome man came out of the background,

with his outline so undeniable. It was as if he was singing this song to

me. I started crying, and I felt so overwhelmed with emotion and I felt

so embarrassed by this. I tried to keep my tough exterior but I

couldn’t. His presence was so close to me and undeniable, it was so

hard to handle that moment, it was so sweet what he was sharing

with me and I didn’t know how to accept that information, it was

melting me. I knew he was there watching me, sharing this song with

me, and I didn’t know what to do with that information. Again, it had

to be a lie my brain was sharing with me.


There was another day, it was when I first heard the Katy Perry song

on the radio, the song is called, E.T. It was unnerving as I was

listening to the words go by, I felt an eerie sensation. I felt his

presence again, as I was listening to this song, it gave me

goosebumps. I immediately threw the song out the window, got angry

about it, and ignored my emotion toward it. Underneath it all, I

desperately wanted to hear it again, and to remember the words, and

to try to understand my relationship with this song. I started to feel

more comfortable opening up to the idea that something more

extraordinary truly existed in my life, and whether I wanted to believe

it or not, there was a pattern here that I couldn’t deny.

It wasn’t until after 6/8/2012 that his presence came to me in such a

way that it would be impossible to think it anything less than real.

Avery visited very early in the morning on 6/9/2012, like 4 in the

morning. His energy was so strong, even my children were reacting to

it in their sleep. I almost stumbled over one sleeping on the floor as I

went to the bathroom. I can’t even begin to tell you the clarity I

experienced when he visited me. I saw nothing with my own eyes, but

what I heard and felt was entirely real, and nothing less than real. I

felt intense energy. It was so intense it was like light itself had a


physical presence. I was instantly paralyzed, and the energy was so

debilitating full of love that I was shaking from it. I honestly thought

Avery was a spirit at first, because his presence was so spirit like. The

spiritual sensation of his presence on 6/9, in the way he was always

an outline and a voice in my head, and the way he never slept. What

else was I supposed to conclude?

But I also had another thought, one that you would probably think me

ridiculous to have. The thought developed after 6/9, because I had a

repetitive interaction with a place far away from here, but a place on

Earth. I honestly thought that Avery lived on Earth, and was a super

human that lived removed from society. It sounds so ridiculously

strange, but I thought he was part of a secret cult or monastery that

worked with snakes and that somehow, because of what happened on

6/8, he was able to find me in the world, like he was looking for me.

That’s honestly what I thought, more than anything else. I even felt

very strongly that I needed to buy a plane ticket to South America. It

sounds crazy, I know, but it was an extremely real feeling and vision I

had of a stone structure, completely removed, in South America. I

visited this place, and it was full of people doing very sacred energy

work with snakes, and it was all intense positive and loving energy.


The vision and sensation of my connection with this place, it followed

me through the entire summer and only dwindled out at the beginning

of Fall. I still feel a connection with South America and I feel I belong

somewhere there. This is only a tidbit to a much larger story, too large

to tell you right now. And just telling you this story, and telling you

these conclusions about where Avery exists, it’s creating even more

realizations for me. The truth of the matter is, he exists as a spirit,

and he exists in an alien form, I can’t say for sure that Avery doesn’t

exist in this place in South America. I don’t know why, but this place

is also Avery to me. Perhaps it was a past life memory, or perhaps it

was my mind trying to create an understanding of who Avery is. It’s

hard to say, but I still feel in my heart that I could buy a plane ticket

to South America and find Avery in this place.

What I can tell you though, the Avery that I see in my mind doesn’t

live in South America, he lives on another planet. If there is one more

thing I can tell you about this puzzle, it’s about the capacity of the

soul and why it’s possible for Avery to exist in multiple places

simultaneously. Tt’s the reality that the soul is a profound thing and it

can inhabit more than one body at the same time. In fact, it can

inhabit 3 or 4 bodies at the same time, and also act as a spirit guide


to others. The reason I know this is because my soul exists in other

bodies right now, and my soul is also helping other souls that are in

physical forms right now, and all as I’m writing this very sentence. It

has taken me time to learn this truth, but it sure does explain my

anxiety attacks and challenges with feeling out of body, disconnected

from the human world, and sometimes I feel like I don’t understand

why I have legs that walk. I feel like I should have some other form of

legs, like a fish tail or something. I have anxiety attacks over this

alone, taking a walk and suddenly I’m freaking out because I

shouldn’t have legs. And that right there is a perfect explanation as to

why I’m called Abbey Normal.

I can’t write anymore right now. I wasn’t even going to write about

Avery, but about something else. I will try to share it tomorrow. It’s

about the energy interacting with the Earth right now and why the

coming full moon is so important to all human beings on the Earth

today. It’s a been a bit of an odd weekend and the writing energy

hasn’t really been there for me. I was only going to write a few entries

to myself with updated notes on Avery, I have to do this to keep track

of my observations, and then I was going to go to bed and write about

the full moon energy early tomorrow. Either way, I will get to telling


you about the energy, right now it’s super late, and I have to go to bed

now. Good night!


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