Wasted From The Inside, Not Just Another Wactress With Bulimia

NOW

It is almost 2012. I have since made many shifts in my life
and can thankfully say I am still bulimia free. I still have my won-
derful horse, Bailey with me and I have continued painting, working
in the entertainment industry when the opportunity presents itself
and I am now also writing, painting and doing graphic design. I
worked as a producer on a film with two other producers (that ended
up in development hell). I gained an invaluable education on pro-
ducing during that time as well as an education in graphic design (I
ended up teaching myself Photoshop because I needed to create all
of our marketing materials – no one else could – turns out LUCKY
ME, I love it)! I worked on another film at a studio for a year and
also for a music producer. I have continued to work as an actress
when the opportunity arises which I always appreciate doing. I have
not only sold several oil-on-canvas paintings to people across the
nation, but, shown my work in several art galleries/studios and was
absolutely honored to donate two pieces of art that I painted espe-
cially for them, to the American Red Cross and The Tiffany Circle,
Society of Women Leaders, in 2008. I absolutely love designing
with my computer and have been doing it since 2002. It is a way for

150

me to not only be creative but also have a substantial business. I get
the best of both worlds.

I worked on a film in 2002 that I want to mention because the
producer of the film inadvertently inspired me to start a project that
will help animals. The film is The Backlot Murders and the producer
is Steven Bernheim. I had a great time working on the film. It was
super cool because we were shooting on the back lot of Universal
Studios! I happen to get to shoot on the old Psycho set! How cool is
that!? I played a small part as a “grip” in the film. A grip is a person
on a movie set that basically moves stuff around for the production:
lights, cables, props, etc.. So, in this film I was playing a grip and a
guy in a big goofy Elvis mask killed me. Good ‘ol fashioned campy
fun complete with girls running around in their bras and panties (not
me) screaming and bouncing, the whole bit.

Steven is a true animal lover and is heavily involved in help-
ing them. He has rescued many and loves them completely. I ab-
solutely understand and appreciate his passion. I am working on
a project to, specifically, help Chihuahuas who need a home. I ap-
preciate my Chi so much that I cannot handle thinking of these little
furry babies needing a home and not finding one. My company is
ChiwawaWear.com. I am still working on the development of this
venture at this time. My dog Tia is my muse. I am so excited about
the prospect of making a difference in the lives of these furry bun-
dles of love! After a bit of research I discovered that shelters were
inundated with two breeds of dogs, Pit Bulls and Chihuahuas. I un-
derstand why that happens, Chi’s look like they would be a great
family dog with little kids, however, that is not always the case.
Paris Hilton and popular movies have made them trendy so people
are drawn to them. They do not always fit with the people who think
they want them. It breaks my heart that these little dogs just want
love and a safe place to burrow. For ChiwawaWear.com I will de-
sign different items - that will be super cute and geared towards Chi
lovers everywhere - and donate money to either foster or find homes
for Chihuahuas.

151

My relationship with my family is absolutely amazing. I
owe my sister considerable thanks for introducing me to Landmark
Education and The Landmark Forum. The Landmark Forum is a
transformational seminar. It brought me even closer to my Self. I
attended in 2006 and it helped me to uncover the filters that I have
placed in front of my eyes in the form of past conditioning to see
from a newer, clearer perspective. It helped me to discover how
I’ve been “seeing” the world based on my past and the choices I’ve
made. It empowered me to create my life instead of let life happen
to me. The Landmark Forum catapulted me to understanding not
to take things personally because we are all coming from our con-
ditioned past and doing the best that we can. It also allowed me to
take responsibility for myself and my actions and to know how im-
portant it is to be a woman of my word. Words are powerful. If we
weaken them by not being in integrity then we weaken ourselves.
All that in a 3-day seminar! My sister took the course and I needed
no other incentive. I was a witness to her transformation. She was
suddenly communicating with me on a level that was not fraught
with ulterior motives and “trying to look good” but was focused on
the higher good of all. She is a dynamite woman and I am proud
to be her sister. She is one of the smartest women that I know. She
is inspiring to me and to those she comes into contact with. She is
close to my heart and soul. She is my sister and I am blessed!

Starting in 2006 I had an open relationship with an attractive

152

young man for a couple of years. This was a wonderful experience
and a challenge but it was where I was at at the time. As I men-
tioned, I have never cheated on anyone, nor will I ever choose to.
It’s not worth it to me. I’m the one who has to look myself squarely
in the mirror; I remember what it feels like not to be able to! It’s not
about me deceiving YOU. It’s about me deceiving ME. I get that.
I met a person who I enjoyed being with but knew that he was not
the person for me in the long-term sense. I was honest. I created the
relationship the way I wanted it to be with the communication that
it also worked for him. I wanted to follow my path and not be tied
down because I knew that he was not the person I saw myself “get-
ting married to and having kids with” if I ever chose to do so. I truly
enjoyed his company and many things about him. I also wanted to
be free. I had a couple encounters with others that I am thankful I
got to experience. I get that physicality is a fleeting endeavor. But
I did not want to deny myself these amazing experiences (safely of
course!). I was a single female and in full communication with the
person I was spending time with. The experiences I was open to and
allowed myself to have were absolutely incredible. It is not easy to
be in an open relationship and to be so ABSOLUTELY honest with
the person you’re with because I still cared for him and his feelings.
It sucks to have to tell the person you care for that you just did some-
thing that might, fuck that, will, make him feel sad. But I had to. I
chose to live in honesty and anything else is not worth it. I cared
for him so I did not want to share sometimes when it would make
him unhappy. But it was more important to be honest than to be
“comfortable.” I also understand not having to tell everything about
a situation as to not “rub it in their face” I would not do that. I oper-
ate out of love. Honesty is the highest form of love. My intension
is never about hurting someone to make me feel good. That doesn’t
make sense to me. My intension is to be clearly communicated.

I am still friends with Andrea, we talk on occasion. She will
always have a loving space in my heart. She is a kind and gentle
soul and I wish nothing but the best for her.

I had the great fortune to travel to India in 2009. My choice
to go to India was a desire for spiritual growth. I was able to travel to

153

different areas, see the Taj Mahal, and experience the culture and the
crazy travel on the roads! My favorite place to visit was Rishikesh. I
spent most of my time there. I got to spend time with Pujya Swami
Chidanand Saraswatiji. He gave me my mantra, “it happens.” My
experience was everything I dreamed of and more. It just so hap-
pened that a friend of mine went to school with the Chief of Po-
lice of Rishikesh. I got to enjoy a raft trip down the Ganga River
with the Chief of Police and crew and I received a police escort of
five heavily armed guards to go shopping with and look around. It
was astonishing! I especially loved all the cows and bulls lingering
around everywhere in India. Beautiful Brahma bulls lounging on
the cement steps, or ghats, that lead to the river. It was a sacred time
while I was there. It was the time of an ancient ritual pilgrimage that
brings millions to the shores of the Ganga to cleanse believers of
their sins. It was quite a site!

JUNE 21, 2009

JOURNAL ENTRY (On a journal that was giv-
en to me by Ajay, my interpreter, a gift
to me from the police in Rishikesh)

I decided, of course after I saw somebody else do it, to take
a picture of what was in front of me. I looked up, to swami-
ji and met his eyes. They seemed to look right through me
at my own lack of punctuality and fear. I held my camera
up anyway and he closed his eyes as I snapped his picture.
My monkey mind had a field day. Why can I not be liquid
and travel down the cement steps on my way to the mighty
Ganga? I then looked for my favorite little saint. The young
boy with the large almond shaped eyes that are rarely open.
He moved me. He claps a bit off beat to the chants but he
is communing with his creator. It seemed that he was not
quite with us... in that good way. I wish I could be him for a
moment. He is an orphan but has a bigger family than I do.
I snapped his picture. Thankful that I captured a piece of
his oneness, perhaps I can learn from him. I am a bundle of

154

thoughts, insecurities, fears, confusion and uncomfortable-
ness. Saffron robes blow in the wind. I keep noticing myself
asking myself in my head, what am I supposed to do? What
should I do? What should I wear? I declare, what do I want
to do? How do I want to dress? What do I like? How do I
feel? Just be. Just be me. Today is the day that people from
all over come to bathe in the Ganga. I will go walk down to
the chaos and find a piece of peace.
My Facebook post during the trip:

I’m still in awe at the dynamic of how everything lined up
here... Let me rephrase that... how I manifested this amaz-
ing trip, because I knew what I wanted. Moment to moment
decisions seem to torment me still... do I step to the right or
to the left... just step, LD, just step.

India was a fantastic experience. I’m looking forward to go-
ing back one day for further explorations. I’m ready to explore more
of the beautiful landscape as well as my inner landscape on my con-
tinued search for Self.

I have to say that I am proud of my accomplishments. Even

155

though my acting career did not result in my becoming a famous
star making zillions of dollars, I followed my dream. I worked as
an actress. If I never tried it, I would for the rest of my life wonder
what if? I had a ball doing films! I’ve even gotten a bit of recogni-
tion here and there. I’ve been interviewed by magazines and news-
papers. That feels pretty cool!

I am currently dating a wonderful man. What you see is what
you get with him. He is true and good to his core. He loves to be
outdoors and we compete in mountain bike racing together, go river
rafting, backpacking, hiking, scuba diving, snowboarding and all
kinds of fun stuff. He also went to the Landmark Forum so we have
a very high communication level and the tools that make for a won-
derful relationship. I also have my Chihuahua, Tia. Pure joy and
love in fur form.

I’ve taken up practicing meditation. The purpose for medi-
tation for me is to quiet my mind. It takes practice. I also have an
ulterior motive. I want to have more of the experiences that I had
before of being out of my body. It was such a wonderful place to
be that I want more of that feeling. Let that be my new addiction,
ha! It was a state of bliss and love and one-ness. It felt expansive.

156

I was tapped into the Universal river of knowledge. At times in
these experiences I would pose a question in my head and before I
finished my question I sensed my loving answer. That’s better than
the Internet!

I’ve been able to maintain a good, healthy weight. I even
eat pizza or chips and salsa sometimes and these are foods that used
to cause the inevitable “click over.” I don’t really have a sweet
tooth so I lucked out on that one; however, my vice is salty crunchy
stuff. In 2009 I decided to become a vegetarian. My choice hap-
pened quickly one day. I never thought I would be a vegetarian. I
had been paying attention for a while to everything I was hearing
around me about diet, health, energy and joy. My body was becom-
ing very sensitive to what I put in it. For instance, if I ate chicken,
I would often times almost choke. It’s my understanding that most
chickens are killed by having their neck broken. Also, listening to
various people share their stories helped cement my decision. I re-
call listening to one woman tell her tale of cancer. She was a doctor.
Through her entire education she was told that radiation causes can-
cer. She was prescribed chemotherapy. She was against it. She de-
cided to change many things about her life. She changed her diet by
cutting out meat. She reduced her stress level and adjusted how she
was living her life. She sought joy wherever she could. She refused
to go through chemotherapy. I thought to myself, wow, if I ever got
cancer, I would certainly choose to be a vegetarian. Then it dawned
on me... why don’t I be proactive and prevent it by becoming a veg-
etarian!? I also love animals and the more I watched movies like
Food Inc. the more my decision made sense to me. The way animals
are treated is horrifying to me. It breaks my heart. Also, energeti-
cally it just does not make sense to me. When a poor animal is killed
for food in most circumstances, there is fear and adrenaline running
through their body. We consume that along with antibiotics and all
kinds of crap people put in them. I did put fish back into my diet. So
I’m a pesco-vegetarian or pescetarian. That always sounds like a re-
ligion to me and makes me laugh. Right now it just makes life easier
to at least eat fish. I may change that eventually. By the way, the doc-
tor who had cancer is now cancer free. No chemotherapy needed.

157

I typically prefer to eat very healthy things. I love eggs, fish,
salads, vegetables, and fruit. I certainly could do better sometimes,
but I allow myself to eat things that I enjoy in moderation. I eat
smaller meals. I also stay active. I have my horse, I love to hike,
walk with weights, do hot yoga, jog, bike ride, really anything that
gets me out and moving, I’m game. I am not absolutely strict with
myself. I want to enjoy life and for me that’s not about denying my-
self all the things that I like. I understand that I need to also focus
on my intake of supplementary vitamins, minerals and antioxidants.
I keep myself aware of what I’m doing to my body. I enjoy a good
glass of wine or having cocktails. Sometimes I have to check in
with myself and regulate how much I’m enjoying things like that. It
can become a habit right before your eyes. Anything in moderation.
Let me rephrase that, almost anything in moderation. I understand
that I could not binge and purge in moderation – geeze, nor do I
want to! I can relate to smokers trying to quit cigarettes. I under-
stand the addiction. I am so very, very thankful that I do not have
that desire to binge and purge anymore. To me, that is a miracle. It
is a transformation of who I was.

The fact that I am bulimia free is powerful. This is extraor-
dinary. Not many people can say that they have truly transformed in
their life. I have. I am blessed to be able to declare that. I no longer
“click over.” The last time I relapsed into bulimia was in 2001. As
of now it has been 11 years. It is no longer something that consumes
my moment by moment thoughts as it did. Years tick by and it is not
a part of me. It is not defining me. I am free.

I can now honestly say that I love me. I love my own com-
pany. I appreciate being around others and I still enjoy being alone
but I am no longer lonely. This does not mean that I am not human.
I am. I have day-to-day challenges as we all do. I am you. Namaste.

158

Nowhere near... THE END.

159

PHOTOGRAPH CREDITS

Cover Photo: Courtesy of Mark Husmann - greatheadshots.com
Courtesy of Dee Martz: 17, 18, 27, 39, 59, 62, 76, 80, 87, 90, 156
Courtesy of Juan Raul: 34
Courtesy of Kim Mizuno: 36
Courtesy of Mark Husmann - greatheadshots.com: 50
Courtesy of Peter Daskaloff: 52
Courtesy of Ajay: 154
Courtesy of Gene Martz: 158
Courtesy of Seth Johan: 160

160

BIOGRAPHY/HEALTH

“Anunbelievablestoryofoneperson’sbattlesandchallenges
alongherroadtorecovery.Thisbookgivesyoualookinto
thosedarkplacesonherjourneytoselfdiscoveryandfreedom
fromwithin.Adramatictaletoldfromtheheartandsoreal
andclosetohomeyouwillinsistthatyou’veknownherallher
life.Anamazingstoryofhowtotakecontrolinyourlifeand
createyourowndestiny.Trulyaheartfilledandheartfelt
experienceyouwon’tforget”.

--KevinM.,CPA,MBA,CSM,Principal,FinancialCapitalStrategies

"Ireadyourbooklastnight,WOW!Icouldn'tputitdown....I
lovetoreadbut,notthatmanybooksholdmyattentionlong
enoughtomakeitthrough,yoursdidandisstillholdingmy
attention!Youareaverystrongandbravewomantoshareso
muchofyourselfwiththeworld.Thankyou.AMAZING.
LikeIsaid....IthinkyouarebeautifulLoriDawnandIwould
thinkthatevenifIwereblind!"

--KatYockey,FreelancePhotoJournalist

"Thisseriousdisorderisfarmorecommonthanpeoplerealize.
ThreeoutoffourgalsthatIdatedinmy20'shadanorexia,
bulimiaorboth.Ispentalotoftimeinhospitals,rehab
centers,andingeneralresearch.Thedetailedinformationthat
I'vereadinyourbooksofar,isnewtome.It'sreallywhatI
wantedtoknow.Thankyou!"

--KevinG.,MassageTherapist