Wasted From The Inside, Not Just Another Wactress With Bulimia

Essentially, I had to kill everyone off at first. Then, I was
able to hold them in a net away from me. All these people!
And, distracting when a person is trying to concentrate on
releasing them. I assured them that it was only temporary.
When I finally got everyone in a net away from me and tried
to ignore them, at first I felt like a baby in the womb squir-
reling around with glee. A very happy squirming baby. Also
a little person jumping up and down and dancing… a, dare I
say it… a “mini-me” .. Not that mini-me (from Austin Pow-
ers)… a me mini-me! (My dog just distracted me from my
meditation… she shook her Dalmatian head and the sound
of her ears slapping the sides of her face made me think of
her ears slapping the sides of her face and how they make
that noise and how it hurts if I shake my head that violently)
… anyway, then I stopped my mini-meditation. I felt too
distracted. I don’t think I accomplished fully what I feel I
could by this exercise. By freeing myself from these titles I
can only look at the core of “me” and what that is. What is
that? If I’m not an actor, what am I? By the way, that was
the most difficult title to release. We are so accustomed to
defining ourselves by what we do… hmmmmm what am I? I
wanted to feel a part of everything but it didn’t.
I felt lonely.

FEBRUARY 10, 2000

EMAIL TO ED

Right now
I don’t know where to start… I had to go feed my horse.
I’ve been good all day. It’s been a rainy day. I like rainy
days. I had a final callback for producers this morning and
it went extremely well. I’ve worked for this studio before
and they really love my work there. After I got home, I got
a little sketchy and decided that I would organize my file
cabinet and focus on that. I know if I start with something
like that I get involved and may finish in the wee hours in

100

the morning and will be happy that the time was well spent.
Anyway, I had to feed my horse and I go there and decide to
go to the store. I think I decided to go to the store before I
left cuz right before I left I ate all of my soy breakfast links
(which don’t even amount to that much but the fact that I ate
them all upset me). I really didn’t do too badly today either.
I went to the store and bought things to binge on. I was in
a daze already and spent way too much (thirty plus dollars)
that I don’t even have and it of course went on my credit
card… I’m so stressed about money it is just freaking me
out. It spurred me into being in a daze of binging because I
didn’t want to even think about that. I HATE THAT FEEL-
ING. I WOULD RATHER DENY IT. As I started out of
the parking lot I thought of you recommending that I try to
contact you before a binge (ohmygod this is difficult. I’ve
never been able to really do this.) I started to cry like a child
and couldn’t stop. I still can’t stop. I don’t want to binge
and I am seeing myself from outside of me and I just don’t
know what to do. I wanted to leave the groceries in my car.
I didn’t want to see them. I felt humiliated. I feel sad and
scared. I want a hug. I want some support. I want love. I
don’t know how to handle it that well. I feel icky. I feel
like I’ve disappointed myself. I know I shouldn’t but I just
can’t help it. I know if I were someone else looking at me,
I would want nothing more than to help me but for some
reason I cannot reach out and I cannot help me. The only
person, and this actually makes me feel good, that I would
want some support from is you (no pressure, it’s just good to
know that there are people that I will feel comfortable deal-
ing with this with).6 Still, I don’t feel well enough to call but
I’m proud of myself for emailing. This is fucking tough. I
put my groceries away (I didn’t want to even see them but I
put them away) I don’t want anything to do with them right
now but I don’t want them to be a temptation for tomorrow.

6 This may not be footnote worthy… but… OMG, I realize that this just

SCREAMS of my choice to be a burden! 101

They scare me. I hate this. I hate this. I want them to leave
me alone. ...I think I’m done right now. Thank you for be-
ing there. I hate this. I feel so alone. Even though I have so
many people who want to be around me. I’m still lonely. I
don’t know what will happen. I don’t want to think about it
but that means I will binge so I don’t have to think. Maybe I
should just go to sleep. Even though it’s before 8 PM. I’ve
done that before. I’d much rather sleep that deal with this.
If I could just get there.
I am proud of me for emailing but I have a hard time forgiv-
ing myself for my binging and purging whether it happens
or doesn’t today. I will be happy if it doesn’t happen today.
Then, I fear tomorrow. I don’t’ like this. I want it to leave
me alone.
LoriDawn

FEBRUARY 11, 2000

RESPONSE FROM ED

Good work. I know this is difficult and I respect the cour-
age to reach out. There is a place up in Big Sur area known
as Pfeiffer State Beach. You take about a three-mile road
down from the mountain to a fairly secluded beach that has
incredible rock formations at the shoreline. Many movies
have been filmed there. As you walk north along the shore
you find a path that leads across the sand to a tree-lined area.
The beach joins the forest in a miraculous blending of na-
ture. It becomes clear that nature is all encompassing. That
one does not exist without the other. I have always found
this place to be a wonderful place to clear one’s head. Trees,
sand, ocean, mountains, cool breezes, warm sun, all meshing
together. A sense of belonging becomes yours. I’ve vis-
ited this place since the late 60’s, when it was often adorned
with nude bodies (still is today at times) connecting to the
environment, shedding all barriers. When I go today, I can
still experience that pure connection, even when the tourists

102

overwhelm the landscape. Maybe you could take yourself
there when you need to gain some connection. Imagine the
trees joining the sand, reaching to the ocean, light breezes
with misty air brushing against your sunlit face. Feel your
body in all of its capacity to join in the wonder of the energy
in this place. Walk barefoot in your mind; warm sand from
the beach turns to cool dirt at the tree line. Shady paths
with sun trickling between the leaves become sunlit beaches.
Imagine your thoughts and emotions coming clear, as one
with your immediate experience. LoriDawn, you are spe-
cial, you need not struggle to find this truth. You do belong,
you are connected. Proof is in your staying conscious. After
all, it takes 3 things to make a rainbow. Sunlight, moisture,
and YOU to see it. Breathe deeply. Hugs are all around you.
Anon
Ed

FEBRUARY 19, 2000

EMAIL TO ED

Brain on a page.
Men tell her jokingly that they love her even though they are
as serious as a driver swerving to miss a child in the street.
She laughs it off so as to not create a scene. Some say she
is beautiful but she doesn’t think so always. All she does is
laugh. She has brought many men to tears… on their knees
after she turns around to leave. She doesn’t see their mis-
ery… she can’t care. She is afraid of people because she has
hurt too many… like a child who is lost with a skinned knee
they come to her. But… she is nuttier than a squirrel’s excre-
ment… off the wall, coy and shy. Does a French fly where a
beret? Only in the wee morning hours while the bumblebees
sleep. It is better to be a little nutty than to be a bitch… be-
cause that is what they would all think. Let it fly, go with the
wind. She’s got big dreams… it’s not a matter of if, just a
matter of when. Occasionally depression gets the best of her

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in this crazy, sadistic world… but… blue skies, the ocean,
the wind… bring her back to the unrealized happiness she is
supposed to feel. Always smiling, a mask she often wears.
While deep inside lies an ocean of tears. Always alone even
while in the presence of family and friends. She can deceive
them all. She wants to be in love but not at all. Would love
be a distraction from the craziness that she feels in her head?
Would it make her normal? No. She would rather mastur-
bate than have sex. She loves men but hates them all. The
wonderful smell of men… their strength… their stability…
their weakness… their stench… their … falling like a brick
chimney in an earthquake – she spits the words. Seduction is
something she does without a thought about what it is. She
doesn’t understand what people see in the nakedness of her
face, the glint of self-sex in her eye. She is confident … thus
appealing. Why? … She feigns ignorance when speaking to
ignorant people – she is brilliant to intellectuals. A perfect
chameleon. Everyone senses comfort in her style, feels com-
fort in her presence. Emotions, superficial, are read across
her face like a comic strip. Deep inside is a novel for each
and every one not shown. She feels uncomfortable in her
body, even though some would say… well, women dislike
her before they know her, but love her after… or at least get
past her. What is it like to be her? Gifts, curses, disguised
pleasures. What does everyone want? What does everyone
see? Is it a self-reflection of everyone or is it me?
She wants to be your friend but you wont let her. She hates
to be around strangers yet loves the experience it brings her.
Confusion in her soul suggests she’s sharing it with some-
one. She’ll cry in a second then laugh without question.
“In her eyes she had the look of the cat who inspires a desire
to caress but loves no one, who never feels she must respond
to the impulses she arouses.”
--Annis Nin
When people come toward her she turns and runs in her mind
with the speed of a rabbit, she is vacant, only her body re-

104

mains to fight the battle. Everyone wants her… but the one
she wants disappears… unrelentingly gone, void. Fuck you.
There are others... emotional void. She sees what you have
to offer in one point 45 seconds. A sales pitch wont work, it
just drives her crazy. Gone, in one point 46 seconds. How
do you plead? Guilty. Pain… a tear crawls over her cheek
leaving a salty stream. It rolls gently south. What happens
next? It all depends upon your style.
What is it that we are living? Define life. If you can. We
are guided by rules but break them. Are you free? Real-
ly! ARE YOU FREE?! Come clean with yourself or live
filthily. She dares you to lie. She was meant to be seen
not herded… like cattle. Cannot be put anonymously in a
crowd of cows. Accept this now and question it never. The
prize is yours. Sleep. She sighs for you… your gift. A rich
sigh of unequaled contentment. Nothing is better than now.
Happiness at last. Sleep. A state of drugged absentness…
although completely undrugged. One of 3 attainable highs.
No, 4, but she can tell you no more.
Do you think love is blind? Of course you do. Please, don’t
kid yourself. She is taken… by herself. It’s not rudeness
or meanness or hatred or love… it’s just the wrong time.
It’s not you. It’s just the way it is. How can it be like that?
Maybe it is you, she’s just trying to be kind. Don’t let it hurt
you. Don’t let her touch you. Life is an unfair game. Her
wish upon you is that you live all the days of your life… that
is what is important.
Must an angel earn its wings? If so be kind to the angels…
help them if you can… help them earn their wings.
LoriDawn

FEBRUARY 22, 2000

RESPONSE FROM ED

So many ways you can make someone speechless. Once
again, I feel honored to bear witness. Your soul is restless,

105

not disturbed. Thank you for risking to share it with me.
Ed

In our session, I recall that I shared a “spark” of feelings towards
someone. Someone I met who intrigued me and inspired me by his hon-
esty and vulnerability. I met him at a Ralph’s grocery store in Studio City;
I’ll call him Mr. Honesty. He seemed to be doing a “test” if you will on
the power of just being completely honest. I wasn’t attracted to him at
all at first; his look or him. I was, however, attracted to his raw honesty.
It’s pretty amazing how attractive that is and we try so hard to cover up
all our flaws with bits and pieces of dishonesty in order to look better to
others. I think I’d like to do this honesty thing for the rest of my life. No
need to “try to look good” because it looks even better if you don’t try.
If you are simply you, flaws and all, it’s quite beautiful, and attractive.

FEBRUARY 24, 2000

EMAIL FROM ED

Hi LoriDawn,
I was thinking about that “spark.” Maybe you could take some
time to meditate, free associate on the spark and see what that
spark represents. Explore all the aspects of it, as deeply as you
can. Maybe even let the rock guide you. As always, you may
email me your process with this exercise. Have a wonderful
week, breathe deeply, stay conscious.
Anon
Ed

MARCH 3, 2000

EMAIL FROM ED

Dear LoriDawn,
Just wanted to thank you for filling my day with your wonderful
presence and laughter.
Always,
Ed

106

MARCH 8, 2000

JOURNAL ENTRY

I feel anxious. I miss Ed, my therapist. I will see him tomorrow
night, I saw him today. I feel if I say something to him that it
will be forgotten. Vanish and be lost. I don’t trust my memory,
therefore, I don’t trust his. When people are not in my vision
where are they?
“We are not human beings trying to be spiritual. We are spiri-
tual beings trying to be human.”
--Jacquelyn Small
“Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do, you apol-
ogize for the truth.”
--Benjamin Disraeli

I have to admit, I was starting to have some feelings for Ed. I
did not share this with him, and I am fully aware that this happens often
and why this happens often. He was there to listen to me. Because
of the dynamic of the “relationship” he made me feel special, loved,
important and cared for. It felt good because I got to share, for the
most part, and he listened. I didn’t and wasn’t involved with him in
any way but patient/therapist so I didn’t hear his “stuff” and that kind
of relationship is easy. I was aware of the reason for my “crush” so felt
it inappropriate to make it known to him. I still keep a picture of him,
that I took, that reminds me to celebrate every day I am free of having
an eating disorder and gratitude for him showing me light through my
darkest tunnel.

MARCH 24, 2000

EMAIL TO ED

… Thank you so much for all your time with me. Thank
you. Thank you.
Hmmmmmmmm. Ya know, I was thinking about when you
said… (And it was in passing but felt very strongly) that I

107

would be dealing with this thing (bulimia) tonight… and I
was suddenly (though really not suddenly cuz I talk with
you every week about it) thinking oh, gosh, he knows that I
will be battling with possibly binging and purging tonight…
Tonight. I felt exposed… though you ALREADY KNOW.
Duh. It kind of put it in my face a little more… how do I
keep this so separate? I think it kinda lets me feel safe to say
it… and talk about it with you… by keeping it separate. I
don’t know…
I obviously feel a lot of separateness around this whole
thing…
I’m gonna try to find little me… you know I’ll be galloping
around a bit.
And, furthermore, again, if there ever is a situation where
I could be of help and talk with people about this. I am
sooooo available. It would help me to share, honestly, with
others who may not understand… I would love to answer as
many questions as they have that I am able to.
Much love

MARCH 25, 2000

RESPONSE FROM ED

Hi,
Just thinking about you and your words of “feeling exposed”
as you became aware that in some ways I am with you when
you struggle. Does that feel empowering or intrusive? When
I imagine what “feeling exposed” is like, it feels very vulner-
able, as if a little child, alone, and feeling unsafe, has been
found hiding. I wonder what she is hiding from?
LD you are coming closer. Keep exploring, I know it must
be difficult to sit with the feelings of vulnerability, however
the longer you can be with it, the less overwhelming it will
be and the less you will feel the need to get rid of it. It
is merely your soul aching for the moment. The soul must
ache at times to enhance the experience of joy. When your

108

soul aches it may just be letting you know it’s time to gallop.
By the way,
No need to ever thank me. It is my soul’s good fortune to
spend time with yours and to hopefully let you know that
you are really never separate. The universe holds us with its
loving arms.
Love,
Ed

MARCH 24, 2000

EMAIL TO ED

On my Deepak Chopra daily calendar today it said:
“Denial is really only a wrinkle in our consciousness, a
peculiarly deep stress, but a stress nonetheless. Therefore,
through meditation, the gradual dissolving of stress releases
denial and allows judgments to melt away.”
Tomorrow’s:
“Forgive yourself for judging. Realize that holding judg-
ment was a necessary phase for your mind to go through as
long as it needed to defend itself.”
But of course.
Love love
LoriDawn

RESPONSE FROM ED

But of course indeed.
Hey, why don’t you have a wonderful stress free, meditative,
non-judgmental night?
Love
Ed

I was shooting a film for a while, and as usual, I like to create
a very safe “crush” on my co-star. This is my way of creating chem-
istry and attraction with my love interest in a film. It’s safe because
it has an end; when we stop shooting. I can be careless and not think

109

about anything but this connection and the film. For instance, if I
hate the way this actor coughs up a lung every time he gets his day
started… I don’t have to worry about that, because we’re not mar-
ried and this crush only lasts as long as the shooting of the film. I
ignore things that bother me and fall in “love” with his other, more
wonderful attributes. Like his ears… ha ha. I’m kidding. I can usu-
ally find something wonderful about a person.

I also was doing a rehearsal aboard a boat near the Queen
Mary. We were preparing for a film and did some rehearsals on
the director’s boat. As we were headed back that night some of the
darkness of the water, crates and boats stirred feelings of complete
emptiness inside of me.

MARCH 29, 2000

JOURNAL ENTRY

I am crying. It is 3:32AM and I cannot stop crying. What
would you do if you lived in my skin? What would you
do to succeed? To be happy? I feel that I am no longer in
control of my happiness. Why is that? Because I haven’t
found love? Love is so escapable. I want solidarity, secu-
rity. There is no security in someone else. I need to find it
in me. I was bad tonight (binging & purging). It’s been over
three weeks, almost four (since I binged and purged). I wish
I were no longer haunted by bad stuff.
I want to be strong. I want to be happy. Why does happi-
ness evade me. I have so much to offer. I’m still young. Or
am I not? Time. Our unyoung evil. I’m more knowledge-
able now. I’m more full of pain and bad now. Would hav-
ing a partner – even a not-so-desirable partner have steered
me right instead of wrong? I’m sad and so lonely. Lonely
without any light at the end of the tunnel right now. My
crush on my co-star faded as I knew it would. I only want to
do another film with him – protecting me from the possible
threat of the director. LONELY. I don’t want to stop writing
because then I will be alone with just me. Empty me. I just

110

can’t stop, like I can’t stop reading. My escape from me.
Why should I have to escape from me? I do not know. Do I
hate myself? Why? Too many variables to consider. I want
to look in a window that’s been painted black. I don’t want
to see. The ships in the harbor all look too lonely to bear
looking at them. Alone in the black, florescent blue night of
the sea. No one but cables and noise and silence and emp-
tiness filled with lifeless crates of nothing. The logs stuck
out of the water alone but at least connected to each other.
Maybe I should scratch the black paint away with water and
a razor. Learn, feel, grow. Honesty. I want to feel and be
and do everything honestly. Why should I feel that I might
lose anything? I have nothing, nobody, what do I have to
lose? Try it please. I beg of you try it.

MARCH 29, 2000

EMAIL FROM ED

Hi LoriDawn,
I was just reading a book that I have always found to be
the most centering book I have ever read. I forget about
it sometimes unfortunately, (perhaps my own avoidance of
truth), however was drawn to it after our session. I remem-
bered that it offered some wonderful thoughts about spirit
and soul, two words that seem so relevant to your work. I
wanted to quote just a moment of it for you here and I have
a copy I would like to give to you next week.
Briefly, and out of context:
“Sometimes we want to live inside the source itself, and bend
toward it like the heliotrope to changing light. To take this
path… is to face toward spirit. Spirit is the center of life…
when we turn towards spirit, eternity is everlastingly present
in our lives, making the smallest moment vibrant and full of
color. Spirit is given. It is not produced by our attention. It
is uncovered-showing us our link from the beginning with
all of life, with frogs and trees and stones. And the spirit is not

111

more fond of us than frogs and trees and stones.
Through attentiveness to spirit, we enter a place of rev-
erence… we see that woman, river, wind and star are all equal,
and that death and life are both dreamlike processes, themselves
part of a greater unchangingness. Just to have seen this world
as it is seems enough for a lifetime. Even if it were to die the
same evening, we have seen eternity and it is enough. S o u l
is that part of us which touches and is touched by the world.
Through soul we connect with each other and are made less
lonely—not metaphysically, but in a tangible, human way.
Soul is weak because it loves—which of course is its
strength. Soul is creative: it produces something invisible out
of matter. “All love is the love of god.” It declares and plunges
into the first kiss, into a glass of Shiraz, into saving the planet,
into eating a bowl of steamed clams, into remodeling the kitch-
en. Soul connects and loses itself in the connection. It falls and
falls; it falls into beauty.
Soul doesn’t serve other purposes – taste of life is its
own fulfillment…
Soul brings meaning to experience-including the thoughtful,
reflective part of our being, and embracing too what we know
most dimly about ourselves, and sometimes shudder at: secret
passions and insomnias; helpless, almost indestructible long-
ings; despair and the continuing undercurrent of knowledge that
some losses are irretrievable…
Soul loves to include and to learn; it is always trying
to embrace things, to inhabit the brokenness of the world. Its
light is made real by the surrounding dark, its bounty earned by
the perilous journey. Soul does not abolish the difficulty of our
lives, but brings a music to our pains-its gift is to make us less
perfect and more whole.”
Sorry for the lengthy stuff. Hope it finds you and has meaning
for you.
Love,
Ed

112

MARCH 30, 2000

EMAIL TO ED

Geeze… please never apologize for “lengthy stuff.” I cher-
ish it. What a wonderful piece. I must read it many times
just to find, each time, my gem.
Thank you.
Much, much love
LoriDawn

APRIL 2, 2000

RESPONSE FROM ED

Apology withdrawn
You have so wonderfully noted and reinforced in my own
awareness, that although some of recovery is about looking
inside one’s self, it remains that the bulk of recovery is look-
ing outside one’s self to make connections that then nurture
the inside. It seems that is what your soul aches to do.
Love,
Ed

I called Ed because I was going through a difficult day and
he helped me.

APRIL 6, 2000

EMAIL TO ED

Deep breath… thank you.
I feel so much at peace right now. I feel so much clearer.
Namaste7. You are beautiful, as am I.
--LoriDawn
I feel my breathing a bit deeper as well, thank you.

7 Namaste is a greeting in India. Ram Dass’ transliteration is: I honor 113
the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells. I honor the place in you
which is of love, of light, of truth and of peace.

APRIL 10, 2000

EMAIL TO ED

Just wanted to give ya an update… now, I’ve been too afraid
to binge and purge cuz I don’t want to write about it… I hope
that lasts a while…
LD

APRIL 11, 2000

RESPONSE FROM ED

Fear, the great motivator.
Ed

Ed had me write with my left hand what I felt that day (it
looked like the sloppy and insecure writings of a child):

I feel so fat you don’t even know. My body is too big. I’m
not perfect right now & it will take a long time to be the
weight that I want to be. Not to mention a lot of effort that
I don’t know if I can succeed at. This is tough & I still feel
fat. I don’t like me when I feel like this.
(On this page is a list of the calories that I consumed that day
so far totaling up to 1675 calories)
I need… right at this moment to be validated by my work,
my passion. Let me create. Let me not be judged by my
past. I’ve worked my way up and I’ve learned a lot along
the way. I need to know that I’m going to be able to sup-
port myself. That I’m doing the right things. Right now the
Christian Slater thing may fall thru. I’m not in a good space.
(I was being offered a part in a film supposedly with Chris-
tian Slater – there is a lot of talk that goes on in this town.
There is a sketch of a horse on the back of this page)

114

DATE UNKNOWN

JOURNAL ENTRY

Hand written “brain/heart on a page.”
I wanna be hugged while I drift away to sleep
Safety, love, unity.
Cool sheets
Find the warmth
Half asleep
Warmed by your touch, your presence
Love fills my lungs as I remember you’re there. I drink in
your hair. I find my space, almost inside yours beauty in
nakedness
Flawless in its closeness
Every part fits in place
Find a space to breathe
Drink in the cool air
Peace… at one ment
Alone
scared.
Heart pressed against my pillow I write these words
I’m sad
A candle flickers to try to cheer me up. It’s fire dance so
noble and up.
Doesn’t help a hurting heart enough.
No glamour in the pain of sad.
I look at my nails
For what?
To see how imperfect they are?
That’s just what sad does.
It makes life feel like a scar.
My knowledge guess of spirit
Expands so big
It doesn’t end
Hard to know what’s
Not seen or experienced

115

That’s all there is
Be. Be. Me.
My stomach is empty, now may I rest? Anxiousness, anger,
fidgety feet itchy body
Everything is distracting when I feel fat.
I am thin. I am thin, my mantra for life.
I want to look/feel fragile so I may lay next to you and feel
safe. Protected from myself cared for loved. Not the right
kind… in my right mind… but still feels. At least I feel. I
feel hungry. Alone. Sad. Itchy.
Not sleepy at 2 am.
My drug of sleep escapes my grasp. Sheep won’t jump for
me.
At least I feel… hungry.
-that’s sad.
I’m creating my life
-piece of cake
yeah right!
I’m purging my scrambled thoughts every word turns into
food i.e. eggs. One track mind for an addict. Can’t run from
a train. Stand & examine it.
Noisy
Belligerent
Unstoppable
Put a car in front of it
Step back
My car is a phone call to Ed
It’s a big car
Stops my train
Stoppable
Quiet
Different kind of train.

116

APRIL 11, 2000

EMAIL TO ED

OK, I’ve been so damned good all week and I’m trying not
to beat myself up over right now… today I felt really fat in
a photo shoot and it stressed me out… I’ve been so busy
though I’ve felt great. My photo shoot (This was a photo
shoot for the cover of a movie – that I was not in – I was
photographed and an artist painted me on the cover. I’m not
sure why they do this sometimes… maybe the actress didn’t
want to do the photoshoot.)… argh. It kinda made me feel
awful. They didn’t say anything about me being… volup-
tuous, however… grrrrrrr. I wanna be thinner. I didn’t even
think that I would… well, binge and purge tonight cuz I’ve
been soo good and proud of myself…I think also, not hav-
ing heard from the director (re: the Christian Slater film – I
completely expected the director to call and tell me that he
loves my work cuz he should have received my reel today.
He didn’t. That completely makes me stress and not want
to think of it... he may not have received my tape yet… I’m
sure he will love my reel, however, I haven’t heard those
words… yet.) This is still so difficult. I’m gonna go. I
wanna go.
I’m back. OK… I’m feeling that I absolutely cannot stop
binging now… however it is not only a calorie/thinness
thing, of course, it is an escapism thing… that is why it is
so damned difficult to write about it. It makes it difficult to
escape. It kinda ruins that.
I’m right in the midst of this…stuff… I’m feeling guilty cuz,
exactly what I’m doing right now makes those close to me
feel so badly. They feel bad for me. That makes me feel bad
for… us… it also feels like a judgment.
It’s after it all now… I feel fat and guilty. There was such a
small window of anything that felt good. Even most of the
food didn’t taste as good as I know it has. It was easier to
throw up cuz I hadn’t done it in a week. I hate typing that.

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It sounds so… icky.
How ironic… I’m watching a show about anorexia. It’s a
fictional story with a character that in real life was diagnosed
with the disease. I can’t remember her name. I don’t relate
with the show at all. It seems over the top and very unreal.
I’m not sure if it’s just the acting or if it’s the script.
God, I felt like I disappointed the photographers today. I
felt like they wanted someone smaller than me. I didn’t like
that feeling (God, I HATED that feeling) and it probably has
more to do with me than with them. They liked what they
saw. They said that they liked what they saw. I felt ashamed
of having such broad shoulders and large breasts. I didn’t
like having a larger waist than I wanted to see. I can only
stretch out so much.
This show, about anorexia is not explaining the disease part
of it. It seems only about physicality and “out of control
ness of choice of doing it”… not, escapism and whatever
else. The moments… aw shit… I hate commercials. They
are so LOUD. I muted it. I don’t know… I’m just rip-
ping it to shreds cuz the acting sucks. And to think that this
girl, Tracy Gold (I think is her name) was on a TV show for
such a long time and she actually has the disease. Now I’m
judging her. I don’t like that. I think she just didn’t want
to actually feel on screen the depths of what she really felt
in real life. Too scary for her to go there… she just had a
pretty good scene. In this scene she was talking about hav-
ing really good feelings when she was painting when she
was a little girl and where did those feelings of happiness
go. I remember those feelings too. I’ve had glimpses of
them… even lately… God I’ve been on such a great ride
lately! She still looks like she’s acting. I think only a trained
eye can tell though. (I’m jumping around cuz I’m watching
this show.)… you know what sucks? I do like the attention
of having “a disease.” Even though I don’t like the disease.
This makes me cry.
That sucks. I don’t want to feel that way. If I were to get

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really thin, which is what I would like, I would love the at-
tention. That sucks, I’m sure. My head hurts, this stresses
me out so much. It’s true though.
Fuckin’ commercials again. LOUD. My throat hurts. It’s
so tight, it hurts. I don’t like what I feel. I’m gonna send this
and I’m happy to see you soon.
--me, with LOVE

I have a love hate relationship with being watched. I think
most bulimics have this interesting dichotomy going on in their
heads. It’s like, we appreciate the attention of people appreciating
our attractiveness if that happens, however, and we despise being
paid too much attention to. I hate that EVERYTHING I do gets
watched and commented on. For instance: even in school, if I wore
my clothes a certain way or just scratched my chin some boy would
say something that would feel like such a violation, an intrusion
on me. I felt like yelling, “STOP WATCHING ME! IT DOESN’T
MATTER WHAT I DO. LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME JUST
BE.” I’m sure I just wanted to get by invisible-like in case some-
body found out what disgusting thing I was really up to in the pri-
vacy of my own personal hell. At times I would have loved to be so
skinny that I was invisible. But then, being skinny gets a person all
kinds of compliments. It’s a society thang. That pretty much sucks
ass. The media, fashion mags, TV shows, movies, advertisements.
You name it. We are bombarded with skinny. And most of us aren’t.
I’ve discovered The Holy Grail of our society… Thin! Who knew
models were so holy?! Yes, I’m being an ass.

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14. THE GLAMOROUS LIFE

The septic system got clogged at my apartment. I overheard
part of what it was clogged from. Just my luck I was right in the
middle of purging. Sucks for me. The entire septic system was
clogged with a lot of red hair, it’s a triplex and there are three red-
heads, one in each apartment. There was also something else I over-
heard as a whisper and it sounded like it had something to do with
me and what I was going through right at the moment. Yuck. I felt
so embarrassed, exposed, disgusted. But I still had to get rid of what
was inside of me as I stared down at an overflowing toilet with bits
of what I had binged on floating around. Not good. Isn’t bulimia
GLAMOROUS?

This is a hand written note (I got through a day without bing-
ing and purging because I called Ed and let that be a block
to “clicking over”):
I called Ed tonight. I’m proud of me for that. I’m con-
fused and sad. I feel lonely – every time I feel lonely I have
urges to black out. I hate what I’m feeling right now… fat.

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Ugly. Sad. Heart sad, so lonely… confused why should I feel
lonely if I know that I am a part of everything? I don’t get
that. Mr. Honesty was over and he is afraid to “FEEL” so
he is unavailable. I am so so very sad. I was happy to visit
with him but I would rather have a more fulfilling encounter.
Sadness. Heart hurt. Crying myself to sleep. I wish for a
hug from a certain someone. A special someone whom I
would love to find. My spirit is confused. I know my spirit
“logically” I can “get” that but it is difficult to “get” it “soul-
ly” spirit – body conflict. Past the 5 senses. I’m trying. I’ve
felt glimpses. Beauty is there. I’m sad right now. Shyness
is ugly – do not judge.

JULY 1, 2000

EMAIL TO ED

Yesterday…
Thank you for talking with me!!
I was able to get to sleep without binging and purging!!!!…
I still felt like doing it when we got off the phone and while
we were on the phone (and It made me feel better when I
shared that with you – for my own sense of not “failing” just
in case I did binge and purge.) I think just by telling you
my stresses and you asking me how they might be solved or
that they are not life threatening… I’ll still live… (And you
were there to vent this to) it took away the absolute desire
to “black out” by binging and purging. I was able to get
past the darkness and utter fear. I didn’t write though. I’m
not sure why, I didn’t want to… I kinda used another cop-
ing method (I watched a movie to escape my fear a bit. I
think I wanted to get involved in something so that I could
be focused elsewhere, distracted) I didn’t want to binge and
purge.
Thank you!
LoriDawn

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SEPTEMBER 24, 2000

JOURNAL ENTRY

I feel alone. I want to feel “one-ness” and I lie here in “my”
bed feeling not a part of anything. I saw Ed today and I want
to still be with him. I keep feeling these feelings for him
but I question myself about them. I wonder if I just want
everyone to love me or fall in love with me so that I feel
love… loved. I look at this and I dislike it cuz it’s sloppy.
Sometimes I write neatly… sometimes I do not. Why do I
feel so so sad? I don’t’ feel like I have a right to – things
aren’t’ so bad. I feel lonely. I feel like I can’t trust myself…
once I get what I think I want… that doesn’t make me feel
too good. I just want to be able to give. I was brought up
to feel that I am only selfish. I still feel this way. I really do
love to give. A lot. I want to let the feeling of selfishness go.
It is not really me. I can’t sleep. I can’t. That’s “my” prob-
lem… the word “can’t.” I can sleep… on clouds. My own
clouds. My eye is twitching. I want to sleep but I’m… I’ve
not been given it yet… Okay… fuck I’ve not given it to me
yet. I am creative you know. I’m talking to me and being
very sloppy. So what! ME YOU ONE UNIVERSE GOD
LOVE EVERYONE YARN TWITCH SHEEP. Settled more
a bit after purging my sadness. I wish Ed were here. I wish I
could talk/hold/love/share/snuggle with Ed. I do understand
that people fall in love with their therapists… they are “paid”
to listen to you. Why do I feel someone has to be “paid” to
listen to me – he’s not even paid by me. I appreciate him so
much. I want to give him $10,000.00 right now but I’d be in
such debt it would stress me out. I’m a flea with a headache
and I can’t sleep. I cannot find rest. I’ve been feeling some
need to be hugged in order to feel whole or worthy. Like I’m
not enough for me. Like I need an outside physical being to
be there. Not just anyone would do. For some reason Peter
won’t do. He does make me feel strong in some areas but
he is not that “hug” that I’m feeling that I “need.” I’m not

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allowing myself to rest right now. I just wanna go to sleep…
in Ed’s arms. Do I really? I feel like it right now. I don’t
understand it all. I’m just going with my gut feelings. I‘m
not thinking it through. My eyes are so puffy they feel aw-
ful. Too many tears too many bumps on my flea head… why
can I not see that the jar is open? I am awake. I am awake.
I am awake. I am a flea. I am a flea. I am a flea. I am not.
I am free.
There is a drawing I did of a jar with the lid off and a flea
flying out.8

SEPTEMBER 26, 2000

JOURNAL ENTRY

May I crawl into your neck tonight? May I feel the warmth
of your presence? May I feel the strength of your heart to-
night? May I smell the nape of your neck? You give me
right you give me strength you give me back a part of me.
May I crawl into your heart tonight may I feel the strength
of me?

OCTOBER 12, 2000

JOURNAL ENTRY

I’m the fly… the spider… & the web.

8 There was a study done on fleas in a jar where after a certain time 123
of bumping their heads on the lid of the jar, even if the lid were removed they
would still only jump to where the lid was and remain in the jar.

15. MY SELF

I began meditating more and more because of all the won-
derful and loving books that I was drawn to reading and my conver-
sations with Peter. Peter used to lead a transcendental meditation
group in Hermosa Beach years ago. I began having, what I can only
describe as, “very interesting dreams” as I was getting closer to my
Self.9 I was finding clarity in my life more and more and less and
less darkness. I had one such amazing out of body experience that
I did not want to end. It began with intense vibrations and feelings
of pure love. I was weightless and light. The images around me
seemed to be so rich in color that it was a painting, not quite “real.”
The feelings of pure joy and love swam through my body. I had a
guide with me, a smiling, gentle man who I didn’t recognize but
felt no fear of. He pressed his fingers on my temples at times and
at other times pressed a finger on my forehead while he said “there,
there now, let it go!” which seemed to transport me to other beauti-
ful places. It was so fecking cool! As we were coming back from
the Technicolor dreamland, I heard water trickling. I wasn’t sure

9 Self with a capital “S” meaning our bigger “Self” our Universal Self
that is a part of everything.

124

where I was. I felt safe. The trickling water stopped. I saw two
hands, as if they were mine in front of me but they didn’t look like
mine, holding a book with Sanskrit writing or symbols. I was turn-
ing the page. I tried to see what they were, I wanted to remember
them. They were there for a while then I felt myself lying again in
my bed. My feet were a little cold. I couldn’t’ feel the sheets. I
didn’t want to move. I slowly arrived and felt the sheets. Oh what
beauty! I wanted to cry, but before I did, I wanted to remember it
all and write it down!!!!! I distinctly remember feeling the weight
of my body return as “I” returned to my physical form. The contrast
between being weightless and having the effects of gravity were
palpable. My body ached with the gravitational pull of each of my
cells. Oh, Universe, take me back out!

I sound like a Muppet on acid! Though I’ve never taken
acid in my life, I can imagine what that experience might be like
through reading, mostly Ram Dass’ book Be Here Now10. I was
plowing through amazing books at this time with reckless abandon.
I love to read and when I find books that speak to my soul and lift
my heart I can finish reading them in no time. I had read Way of the
Peaceful Warrior, and I was reading The Dancing Wu Li Masters (I
still haven’t read the whole thing but I’ve read most of it) and it all
fascinated me. Quantum physics and quantum mechanics were a
whole new world to me. It opened my concept of physicality, as we
know it. It got me thinking even more “outside the box” and think-
ing outside of our five senses. There is so much to learn/remember.

OCTOBER “NOW,” 2000

JOURNAL ENTRY

5:45 am, I “awoke” for water and to go pee, nothing unusual
or out of the ordinary. I felt kind of awake so I lit my vanilla
scented candle and relaxed. Then I relaxed my body and
then my mind. This took some effort at first. I laid there
with my head on my pillow and I eventually got to this posi-

10 Funny side note, Be Here Now was published in 1971, the year I was
born.
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tion: my knees were apart with my feet touching together,
my hands facing each other connected by my fingers, a con-
tinuation of energy throughout my body, as if I were a hu-
man infinity symbol. Every time my mind got cluttered, my
body would jump somewhere. When it got really off track
my hands would twitch and separate. Then my lower abdo-
men twitched very strongly. Every once in a while when I
was clear of clutter in my head my abdomen began vibrat-
ing and twitching faster. The closer I came to my truths
– thinking of nothing but feeling pure love and the “all of
everything.” I began spontaneously chanting these things:
“with Jesus Christ and the Universe, knowing that I am one,
the all there is. I am the light I am Jesus Christ and the All
of Everything.” My breathing began to increase rapidly as
my abdominal twitching became more intense (the breath of
fire? I had heard about it but don’t know much about it) I was
breathing so fast my mouth was dry but I didn’t want to stop.
I stayed in pure love and let my body do what it did. Then it
stopped. I was a clear channel and my charkas were aligned
in energy (I’ll discover exactly what that means when I read
a book about it – I know but my mind just needs to catch up).
As I lay there still, I began processing knowledge and the
love was so intense that I cried and was given more of my
own knowledge. Again words were coming to me, “be here
now” and “he is with me, Jesus is with me, I am Jesus, he
is near, he is here, he is here in physical form.” There were
a series of chants that I repeated a great deal until I finally
got them and I finally got out of bed. I was very shaky and
weary but felt light. I got out of bed, went to the kitchen still
chanting “he is here in physical form” walking outside to
the street looking for “him” I began vibrating a bit looking
to know my answer and then I finally got it… the reason the
quantum physics book was brought to me was to understand
the knowledge that “physical form” isn’t necessarily what
we think it is. Go beyond the five senses. It felt vague – no
line between me and not me. After I finally realized what I

126

meant, I got back into my position on the bed and cried and
was thankful. I was finally “getting it” even more. I stayed
in pure love and listened to my body’s vibrations and every
time I got to my truths I vibrated again in my lower abdo-
men. I just listened from there.
-If I think it, it is so. “Knowledge” is not “thinking.”
-stop doubting you know it.
-every life is lived now. You are choosing it, which path you
want to see. Your source is everyone’s source. Just clear
your head and listen.
-you are a vessel to retrieve what you already know.
-you “know” what you know only through your eyes so they
will help enlighten those who align with you. You all tap
into the same stuff through filters. Those whom have the
similar filters you have will understand you and align with
you to better understand themselves and their life’s purpose.
Still scared?
Get over it. Fear is chosen. “Listen” to your vibrations. You
are energy/light, not the five senses. Everything is energy -
to understand it is to “listen” with your energy. Know it is
who you really are. Not your conditioning – you don’t have
to bump your flea head on the jar lid.
-I am vibrating. I am vibration.
-I am not LoriDawn Messuri.
-I am not a label
-You see, when you cloud your mind with judgment, you
forget who you really are;

I know some may feel confused at my journal entries and
think that I truly am a nut (I’m not claiming not to be, ha!). The
more I go over them, the more I actually get them, so I’d prefer to
keep them here for you to read just in case you get them too.

The more often I would connect with my spirit in these amaz-
ing ways, the more I got that I didn’t want to be separate from it with
my eating disorder. I wanted to BE HERE NOW! I cherished these
awakenings or whatever ya want to call them. I felt pure joy and

127

love in these moments. Nothing like I felt while I was binging and
purging. It was the polar opposite. I wasn’t “clicking” over as often
and I found myself wanting to stay conscious and be present more
and more.

FEBRUARY 21, 2001

EMAIL FROM ED

Hi LD,
It was great to hear how well you are doing with the e.d. It
makes my heart sing. You deserve such peace. Have you
read the book about the four agreements? I listened to the
audio done by Peter Coyote. It really is good. Made me
think of you. Sorry I haven’t written sooner.
Love
Ed

FEBRUARY 22, 2001

MY RESPONSE TO ED

I’m not familiar with The Four Agreements… what’s that
about? Sounds like I’d like it…
Warmest thoughts and hugs (that I miss terribly)
LoriDawn

FEBRUARY 26, 2001

EMAIL FROM ED

Hi LD,
The Four Agreements are quite a simple encapsulation of a
Toltec philosophy on creating a “new dream.” It is basically
a primer on how to change your life by adopting four new
agreements and getting rid of old agreements. What I love
about it is it gets straight to the point. 95% of what we have
learned is bad information and we need to work to overcome
this conditioning by becoming good warriors and fighting
against the book of law. It really is a wonderful way to live

128

and act simply and make major changes.
Let me know if you got it. I’d be interested in your opinion.
How are things? Hope you are doing so very well.
With Love and Hugs,
Ed

FEBRUARY 28, 2001

EMAIL TO ED

Well, I haven’t read The Four Agreements… yet… I will.
They sound “familiar.” It’s so true that we have been “fed”
so much “bad” or as I would rather term it, “not functionally
relevant” information and we do need to overcome this…
er… crap. It is amazing what we accept in our life because
it is what we were brought up learning as “right” … icky.
I was just trying to go to bed, having difficulty… I began
having thankful/sorrowful flashes in my thought head. You
know thinking is not our best friend. The gap between
thoughts is sooooo much more important. Anyway, I’m
mortal/human… trying to forget that I am… it’s so stifling…
Anyway, I couldn’t sleep and had to get up and email ya.
I was just thinking how thankful I am for the help you’ve
given me and the fact that I used to get “clicked” over to
behavior that made me feel so badly when I couldn’t sleep
(or just any ‘ol time)… I haven’t felt that in a long time and I
just remember never feeling like I would get to this point. I
didn’t see the “end of the tunnel” for a looooong time. Your
gentle guidance helped me sooooo much. Thank you.
I know it’s in me to continue this and all, but you really be-
gan to allow me to know this. It’s difficult to describe any
kind of “recovery” because it’s different with everyone…
and that you knew that from our first meeting and your gen-
tle guidance (without judgment) just allowed me to get in
there and discover this without my own judgment. Some-
how you just let us both figure it out without pressure… any-
way, again… thank you.

129

With love and hugs
LoriDawn

MARCH 3, 2001

EMAIL FROM ED

Dear LoriDawn
It is good to hear that you are finding it difficult to forget
your humanness hopefully it will allow you to continue self-
forgiveness when perfection is unattainable. I really miss
you, but feel very honored to have been a part of your life
during the past year (seemed we knew each other longer than
that, was it?) and watched your courage shine through as you
tackled the dragon.
Love and hugs to you too,
Ed

I have since read, and re-read The Four Agreements many
times… Great stuff!!! I highly recommend that book – and it’s a
quick, easy and inspiring read!

AUGUST 6, 2001

EMAIL FROM ED

Hi LD,
I haven’t heard from you in so long. Had a chance to talk
about you in a workshop the other day as I presented on
the management of energy with eating disorders. How to
use creative, spiritual, and other forms of energy to express,
rather than repressing and using the eating disorder behavior.
It was actually a workshop on relational energy exchange,
called Relationships In Motion. I am engaged in writing
a book that tests my patience as I find myself refining and
refining the material to make it more palatable. Sounds a
bit like commercialism, does it not? It made me wonder
how you deal with the commercialism of your art. I guess in

130

some ways I even have to commercialize my therapy prac-
tice to attract the largest number of clients. Hmmm, not an
appealing revelation. Oh well, I guess it is about energy
exchange, intent, and not content.
Let me know how you are doing.
Love,
Ed

131

16. ON MY HEAD

NOVEMBER 1, 2001

EMAIL FROM ED

Hi LD
I have been thinking about you quite a bit lately. My work
with spirituality and eating disorders is only beginning, how-
ever I really feel the connection to what you experienced
while we worked together. I am truly interested in how you
are doing, where your passions are taking you, and how all
the relationship stuff (you know that stuff that never seems
completely right) is going. Is it completely right for you? I
hope so.
The other day I gave out a rock. The first rock I have offered
since I offered to you. When I did, I thought of you and how
you had said that you kept the rock close by. It, of course,
is okay if that is no longer true. However, it made me con-
sider what the rock is about. I realized that the rock is about
grounded ness. When one is feeling a bit scattered, the rock
and its hundreds of years of existence is about being solid.

132

About being grounded.
My life is taking a bizarre, at least to me, twist in my work
in the doctoral program. I really want to use the contacts as
a launching point to making eating disorders understood and
finding ways to create a sub-culture for women that has no
culture of thin. I keep coming back to you, as I think of the
talented, passionate, creative, spiritual, and intelligent being
that somehow was caught up in this food thing. And I can’t
help but wonder about the other women that meet that de-
scription that are undermined by the food shit. What a tragic
loss of feminine essence.
Anyway, I just felt like I needed to let you know how special
you are. I and the world want to hear your voice. Vanilla is
still completely aligned with LD
(I almost always wear a vanilla body spray, people remem-
ber me by that sweet scent.)
I hope you are doing quite well.
With love,
Ed

NOVEMBER 5, 2001

MY RESPONSE TO ED

Hi Ed!!!!
I just got this email… so sweet.. wow… t h a n k y o u.
I have my rock right in front of me… rock is never too far,
usually to the right of me when I’m at my desk and if I’m
having a particularly stressful day, rock is in my purse. And,
you’re right; rock is about being solid and grounded. That’s
how it feels anyway. It’s also nice to be reminded that rock
has hundreds of years of existence… that seems settling for
some reason.
I’m also happy to share that the eating disorder thing has
been so good… it does help that I’m living with someone
now… I’ve been eating normally and having another per-
son’s energy around really helps, especially someone who is

133

balanced in his or her own energy… (Not as extreme as mine
goes sometimes)… it’s the ocean waves of mine that are able
to crash upon the steady shore of hers…
… And that’s another story. *Smile* weallll… this was a
shocker to me most of all I think… as you know, I had been
single for so long and hadn’t met anyone… I started work-
ing as an assistant to a producer. He was going out of town
for a month and I was going to be working a bit in the of-
fice but not as much… he knew of a family that was in L.A.
from Germany and their daughter wanted to become an ac-
tress. He wanted me to help this girl because he knew of my
experience and I could help her a lot… I was feeling like,
“well, okay, it’s my job and I’ll do it but what about later,
when she doesn’t know anyone but me… Am I responsible
for her…??” and she started helping me in the office and
we had a lot in common and had a lot of fun together… I
didn’t even have a close girlfriend that I hung out with so it
was turning out okay. I was thinking, hey, this is cool… I
actually found a cool friend… then… wow…. I eventually
started having feelings for her! This was unlike anything
that I ever expected… ever, to feel… for a GIRL… I felt
crazy, she was a girl! I couldn’t understand my own feel-
ings… like my world had just turned upside down! It was
just crazy. I didn’t want to say anything to her unless I knew
that it wasn’t just some crazy temporary feeling… eventu-
ally I realized that it wasn’t and we talked… it was very dif-
ficult but… well, what can I say… we’re living happily ever
after. It was a difficult adjustment at first (not to mention
getting over what OTHERS might think! Ha ha!) I guess
you can say that I truly do not discriminate against whom I
fall in love with…
Everyone in my life has been so happy for me, that I’m hap-
py… they don’t care who I’m happy with, as long as I’m
happy… it was so amazing and wonderful to be accepted
by friends and family just as I was… and am… I sure didn’t
expect THIS! But, wow, here it is… a wonderful, happy,

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loving, beautiful relationship. Isn’t it crazy?!?
So… as you were saying, your life is taking a bizarre twist in
your work in the doctoral program…
I love to hear from you always! I certainly love to hear about
your current findings and discoveries in this wacky world…
and, as I’m sure you know… nothing is crazy… no matter
how crazy it might seem…
Love! Namaste!
LoriDawn

NOVEMBER 7, 2001

RESPONSE FROM ED

I couldn’t be happier for you. Absolutely f…ing fantastic.
Someday all women will figure it out, as you have. Not re-
ally a surprise to me actually. I knew it would take a very
feminine soul to know how to love you.
Anyone who has you in his or her life is blessed.
Please keep me in mind as your life moves forward. I would
love to bear witness to each new wave, but just a glimpse
would be deeply valued.
Love,
Namaste,
Anon

NOVEMBER 13, 2001

EMAIL FROM ED

Your love life got me too distracted!

By the way, I am hoping to visit Calif. in January. Are you

up for a lunch with a grizzled old doctoral student? Let me

know. I will be sending the project for your perusal, hope-

fully on Tuesday of next week.

Hope all is magnificent!

Love

Namaste

Anon 135

NOVEMBER 18, 2001

MY RESPONSE TO ED

Hi!
…I had a rough day today. My once loving sister (and sup-
portive when I first told her about my relationship) became
unglued on me (maybe after too much conversation with
others in her church…?? I say that only because I have,
on occasion, noticed some people who go to church doing
the very thing they preach against, and that’s judge others.)
And told me that my relationship is “wrong” in God’s eyes
and immoral… (She’s been going to church for the past 3
years). When I first told her she was so happy for me… now
she seems to have had a change of heart… she says that I’ve
changed… well, I could really go on… I thought of you to-
day… I would have loved to talk with you during this, I’m so
glad Andrea is here. My sister made me feel soo badly, I’m
glad I had love around me, and understanding.
OH, before I forget! I would LOVE to have lunch!!!! Let
me know when!
Namaste!
LoriDawn

NOVEMBER 20, 2001

RESPONSE FROM ED

It would be easy for me to point to your sister’s envy, jealou-
sy, or insecurity as obvious roots of her sudden turn. How-
ever, a true test of our spiritual growth, human compassion,
is our ability to continue to pursue what is true for ourselves
without having to annihilate someone else and his/her ac-
tion. In a time when the whole world is fighting over differ-
ences, your sister is obviously struggling with this, as well.
As Krishnamurti has offered, “never interpret anyone else’s
behavior.” Doing so only creates difference and is relational
suicide. LD, just do what is right for you. Your sister will

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have a hard time continuing to be angry with your riches, as
you continue to love her in spite of her unwillingness at this
time to show love in return. By the way, loving her doesn’t
mean sticking yourself in the path of her miss-directed ven-
om. Loving her may mean forgiving her in your heart and
in your willingness to be a friend when she is ready again. I
know there is great unhappiness when we lose those close to
us through such innocent living. Continue to find comfort
where it is. The world has enough uncomfortable places for
us.
I will hold you close in mind and heart as I attempt to move
with loving calm through the day.
Anon
Ed

In our relationship Andrea was a kind and sensitive soul who
warmly put her arms around me as I shared with her my battle with
bulimia. She figured something was a bit off for me when she first
started helping me in the office at CBS studios. I was working for
a producer and she had nothing better to do and she wanted to learn
as much as she could so she would help me. It was nice to have
her company even though most times I find it uncomfortable to be
around people. She was easy to be around. She noticed that the first
day she worked with me I didn’t eat the entire time because I was
just working and didn’t really think much about it. I wasn’t terribly
hungry during that time and during the day would often not eat much
at all. The second day she brought food with her to have something
to munch on so she wouldn’t get too hungry. The third day she fi-
nally said, “don’t you eat?” I wasn’t thinking much about it but was
happy enough not to eat during the day. I was a bit stressed out from
life at the time. I wasn’t making a lot of money and I hadn’t worked
on a film for a while. I was feeling a bit lost. She went and got us
some food at La Salsa and we ate it at the office. I had been on a
pretty good streak with minimal binging and purging.

When we met I was obviously dealing with my disease head
on and getting help. I was attracted to her warmth and her sensi-

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tivity, not to mention her beauty, albeit unconventional. She had a
boyish quality about her but an equally feminine quality that was
intriguing. Her stomach was completely beautiful. That’s always
been one of my weaknesses in my own physique. It’s where I hap-
pen to carry my weight if I gain any. Some people carry it in their
hips or thighs or ass. I carry mine in my abdominal area so if I see
someone with a beautiful stomach, girl or guy… I admire it. It’s a
turn on.

After working with her and getting to know her I had Andrea
over to my place because she really wanted to meet my dog. She
missed hers in Germany. I invited her to come with me to a cowboy
evening thingy in Burbank. It was a night of music and poetry, kind
of a jam session for cowboys. My friend Rob was there with his
girlfriend so we all sat together and made small talk. It was a fun
evening.

We get back to my place and I say “good night” to Andrea.
I give Rob a call. I am stuttering around with my words not saying
much and he stops me. Out of the blue he says, “you like her, don’t
you?” I’m floored. How does he know!? I’m like, “what do you
mean?!” He’s always been a sensitive person. He could tell. I ex-
plain how upside down I feel about it and am having a difficult time
making sense of it.

Andrea and I go to the Eclectic Cafe in North Hollywood
the next evening. We have dinner. I have wine. She doesn’t drink.
By this time I know that I need to say something to her. I break it
down that I’m beginning to have feelings for her and I’m not sure
what to do. I’m not sure what she’s thinking because she’s not say-
ing much. I’m thinking that, geeze… I wonder if she thinks I’m
some kind of creep!? She says something that I don’t remember as
we are leaving the restaurant and I give her a hug good night and
go home. She goes home. I’m thinking my thoughts. She’s think-
ing hers. Yeah, I find out later that she’s thinking, “Just GO to her!
What are you thinking!?” I’m thinking, “OMG she really does think
I’m some kind of creepy girl/woman/freak!?” Did I mention that
she’s 18 and I’m 30? That’s the main reason I didn’t say something

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to her as soon as I was having feelings. I didn’t want it to be some
passing emotion on my part and then, like, scar her for life if I were
to say anything and not truly mean what I was saying.

The next day we talk and she comes over and we decide
(Okay, I’ll interject here that we are both TOTALLY indecisive! So
it did take an unusual amount of time but we FINALLY decide) to
go to a movie. We go see Legally Blond in Glendale near my house.
We don’t say much while we are at my house. We get to the theater
and get our tickets and sit down in the cozy dark seats. The armrest
flips up so you can sit like you’re on a couch. We casually settle in
as the movie starts. She moves her hand over to mine. I interlock
my fingers in hers and we watch the best movie we’ve ever seen!
Just kidding. The movie was great and fun and light and we laughed
a lot. Our connection was more important than the movie. It was
a good, warm and loving feeling to be there… with her. Kind of
funny/cute side note here… turns out she’s a big fan of Reese With-
erspoon and later as she was working as an on-air personality for a
production company in Germany she got to interview Reese on her
show – that’s cool.

We got back to my place and sat on my white leather couch.
I don’t remember what we talked about but I remember that we had
our first kiss. It was soft and her lips were like soft pillows flavored
with cotton candy chapstick (because that’s what I was wearing at
the time). It was nice. It was stimulating. We kissed a lot. And I
didn’t get razor burn on my face from stubble!! Ha! Not that that
is sooo bad… anyway… It felt good. We parted lips and we parted
ways for the night. I’ll say it, “I kissed a girl and I liked it.” There.
I said it.

The next day she brought all her stuff in a U-Haul. Just kid-
ding! There’s a joke that on the second date with two chicks one is
driving a U-Haul (there is some truth to that!) The next day I went
to her house. We hung out and listened to music. Melissa Ether-
idge. The album Skin (great album!) just came out and she loves all
kinds of music so we just hung out. Oh, wait, I forgot to mention…
I find out that she’s a Celine Dion FREAK. I say that lovingly. She

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tried to describe to me that she is a BIG fan of Celine Dion. I’m
like, cool, that’s great, she’s an amazing talent. She’s like, “No, you
don’t understand, I’m too big of fan… I need to kind of maybe back
off a bit.” Celine Dion did not seem like she could be a big threat as
an addiction in my mind. I mean, it’s not like Andrea was into crack
or something. It’s Celine! I’m thinking, it’s like it’s her hobby to
be connected with what’s going on with her favorite artist/person/
singer. No problem. But, yeah, some would maybe consider it a
bit much. A bit of an “obsession.” I still say that lovingly. I find it
endearing. It’s kinda cute; even still.

We were on the floor in her cute little apartment furnished
with adorable Ikea furniture, listening to music, then we were kiss-
ing. It felt good. She touched me so lovingly and gently. She…
made me feel very good (yeah, y’all, use your imagination! You’re
probably right – sickos – I’m so kidding! Insert laugh here.) It was
nice. Then we moved to her bed and cuddled in each other’s arms
and fell asleep. It was nice to be there in her soft and loving arms
next to her beautiful body. I can understand more of some men’s ob-
session with breasts. I’m not somebody who is turned on by them,
heck, I’ve got my own (and they are damned nice! Thanks mom!
I’m super lucky!), but to lay your head in the nurturing bosom of a
female is an amazing experience. It feels so comforting. I get that.

Later, Andrea told me what she was thinking after I told her
about my feeling for her. She was stunned and confused as to what
to do. She said, “it’s like Brad Pitt is standing right in front of you
and says he has feelings for you!” I guess she kind of liked me al-
ready and thought I was pretty. That’s a nice compliment!

The only times it seems things got uncomfortable were when
we were out and about, in public. It was all new for me to have to
deal with. I felt a bit uncomfortable because of not only being with
a girl but as an actress, what could that do, if anything, to my career.
I was certainly not famous or anything so no one would care but
what if I was going in for an audition and a casting director saw me
holding hands with a girl when I was out somewhere? Would they
suddenly not think of me with a guy? In Los Angeles it’s a bit more

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open minded and maybe more comfortable if you are “different”
than most, but…? This was all new territory for me.

I was staying at Andrea’s apartment with her very good
friend, Germana, who was visiting from Germany. I am half asleep
and I hear my cell phone ring again and again. That’s not normal
at all except if my sister is trying to get a hold of me and it’s impor-
tant. I finally wake up enough to answer it and she frantically tells
me to watch the TV. I don’t really get what is going on. She men-
tions something about a plane going into a building in New York.
Andrea’s TV wasn’t really hooked up and was mostly static. My
stomach just dropped and I felt nauseous. Something that felt very
bad was happening. Terrorists were attacking our county. It was
September 11, 2001. We could barely make it out but Andrea, Ger-
mana and I watched in horror as the second plane smashed into the
tower. It’s one of those moments you don’t ever forget.

Now… back to me… (smile, tongue in cheek). All in all I
felt being around Andrea was very easy and nice. It certainly helped
me with my eating disorder. We were together almost always except
if I was working or she was in her classes at Lee Strasberg Theatre
and Film Institute. When she went back to Germany for the holi-
days it was a bit of a different story. It was difficult being by myself
suddenly and alone with my disease. I relapsed. Andrea was sad-
dened by this happening and we talked about it when she returned
to Los Angeles. It wasn’t easy for me to talk with her about it. It
was still so raw and I felt vulnerable but I also felt very cared for
by her reaction. Then everything was going fine again until she
had another trip back to Germany. Again, it was so difficult to be
on my own during this time because I was still battling with getting
“clicked” over when I was alone. When there was no one there to
take up space in my mind and thoughts then I did what I knew to do
to cope. I binged and purged. Andrea was shocked that it happened
again because I had been doing so well but it was a difficult time.
She never wanted to leave me alone for too long again.

Andrea was comforting and caring and she gave me a safe
place to end my time with bulimia. She listened as I described my

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pain and her brown eyes welled up with tears. She heard me and
wanted to help without being too invasive. She just wanted to un-
derstand. She had a friend back in Germany who was very close to
her who was anorexic. She was afraid for her friend. She was afraid
for me.

The relationship itself was not much different than any other
relationship that I’d been in in the past. It still had all the dynamics
of any other “normal” relationship. The things that ended up caus-
ing me to distance myself from her were insecurities and jealousies
that she had. I understand most were caused by me. I never “closed
the door” on our relationship completely. I never felt like, okay, I’m
going to give you all I’ve got because I’m sticking with you, period.
She would ask me, “if Bob ever came back into your life, would you
want to go back to him?” I had to answer honestly and at that time
period I felt that I could not imagine or see that would ever happen
but I could not say definitely “no” if it were to happen. I’ve always
hated hypothetical questions! It was the truth, and I know it hurt
her. It would hurt me. I understood that it meant that she probably
wasn’t “the one” for me.

Through those years with Andrea I was also still growing and
learning and discovering what I really wanted. We all have things
about ourselves that are less than perfect, and that’s just fine (boy
do I know that for sure!). I just didn’t know if we were a complete
match. So I understand that it would cause her to feel insecurity and
jealousy. I have never cheated on anyone I’ve ever been with. I am
very very proud to be able to say that. I discovered that jealousy is
something that causes me so much sadness and frustration that it is
difficult to be in a relationship where that exists. It is an incredibly
strong emotion that causes the person to create monsters in their
head that aren’t real or true, but feel real and true. My sister said it
perfectly when she said, “jealousy is like a piece of poop. I’m going
to make cookies, but do you mind if I put just a little piece of poop in
them? Just a little?” I don’t think that even a “little” bit of jealousy
is good for a relationship, just like even a little bit of poop and I fo
sho ain’t gonna want to eat that cookie! Andrea thought that if you
had no jealousy than it meant you didn’t care. That’s the furthest

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from the truth in my book. In our society we are not always taught
that, however. I am grateful for our time together and all I learned
and shared with her in those four years. It’s my longest relationship
to date. It was a very loving and gentle relationship.

I don’t feel like I have a defining moment for my farewell to
bulimia. I don’t recall the exact date I experienced my final binge
and purge. I think it was during that last trip Andrea took to Ger-
many. After that I do not recall if there was another incident. I
didn’t say to myself at any particular point “this is the last time I’m
doing this.” I don’t remember that “final cigarette” sort of defining
moment. I recall having thoughts during my time with bulimia that
“this is the last time I want to go through this” but that was 10 or
so years into having the disease. I was trying to stop but not actu-
ally finding success. I imagine having Andrea around when she got
back from Germany helped me and I eventually lost the urge. I was
certainly heading toward the end of my time with bulimia but it took
that extra support. Bulimia became a non-issue. I didn’t even think
about it after a while. It left my day-to-day world experience. It
happened this way (steps 2-5 was a year long process):

1. Bulimia was an all-consuming-thing in my daily life;
2. Gradually I got-present-with-it-through-writing-and-

talking-about-it (getting it outside of being stuck spiral-
ing around in my thought-head);
3. Dealing-with-it, being present and removing my unkind
judgments about it;
4. Being-without-it-mostly;
5. Bulimia not-being-in-my-thoughts-at-all;

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17. TRANSFORMATION

Paul Ferrini wrote a book called, Love Without Conditions,
Reflections of the Christ Mind. It is one of the most amazing de-
scriptions of the kind of “love” that I aspire to attain within myself.
I would love to meet another to share that kind of love with. This
quote from the book sang to my heart: “Compassion and detachment
go hand in hand. You cannot love someone and seek to control him.
Only by wanting what is best for him do you offer your brother
freedom. And if you do not offer him freedom, you do not offer him
love.” It seems clear to me that it is attachment that causes “love”
to be something other than wonderful, amazing “love.” I can freely
say that I have been in love. I also understand that my definition of
love has changed through the years. I can only say that my love has
been no more than my understanding of it at the time I was in love.

Finding my own truths and connections is what helped me
climb out from under bulimia. As I discovered my true Self, my
spiritual Self, my connected Self, I realized how disconnected I was

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during my binge and purge sessions. I started having those amaz-
ing “dreams” or experiences that felt more “real” than reality. I
had out-of-body experiences that felt so good it was a high with no
hangover except the then re-experiencing the weight of gravity and
the physicality of my own body. I wanted more experiences like
that and I understood that blacking out with bulimia only distanced
myself from my Self.

I am human and I have my good days and my bad days, my
ups and my downs. But, having a bad day no longer means that I
binged and purged that day. Now, having a “bad” day simply means
I chose to be in a bad mood or feel cranky that day. My life doesn’t
revolve around the fear of “clicking” over. That is truly a blessing.

I would recommend that anyone watch the movie The Se-
cret. Or, better yet, listen to the book on audio. There is so much
information about how we think and how we create exactly what we
think. This is no “secret.” We just need to collectively remember
this. What we think about manifests. It’s just like the law of gravity.
It is the law of attraction. Thoughts become things. I’m learning
more and more how to apply that. I still get stuck in my “human-
ness.” Also, the extended version of the movie What the Bleep Do
We Know! has so much information that is absolutely helpful. It dia-
grams out very nicely how we create our addictions. How our brain
works by synapses firing on a particular area in our brain through
our thought and the more we think that thought or feel that feeling,
the more comfortably it stays there. Then we step back and ask our-
selves “how’s that working for me?” If our answer is that “it’s not”
we actually need to consciously make an effort to gain control and
override those physiological responses to begin firing on a new spot
that does work for us. A sort of rewiring of our brain, if you will.

POEM
I want to be, so strong
Did Rosa Parks ever feel so small?
We’ve got this life to be role models
To take our stand, yeah, to be an idol

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But I’m still searching for identity
My heart & soul say I need to be free
But I don’t know who I am
And don’t know who I’ll be
Through these eyes and through these years
I’ve got my ideas and I’ve got my fears
This world is my choice
But where is my voice
If I don’t speak
If I don’t participate
I’m giving up my fate
To an outside source
My life will run its course
Without leaving a legacy
Giving back will allow me to be
Alive for a purpose… and alive for ME
--LoriDawn Messuri

Writing this book has allowed me to be “alive for a pur-
pose.” As Ed said, bulimia served a purpose in my life for a time. It
was my coping mechanism. It did stay a bit too long; it overstayed
it’s welcome. I now feel my breath without it. I make room for oth-
ers and other things. I have passed many restaurants, however life
is not passing me. Anon.

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WHAT WORKED FOR ME

Some things that worked for me in my recovery (if you suf-
fer from bulimia I strongly encourage you to seek the help of a pro-
fessional therapist to help guide you back to You):

• I Became present. Step by step, before the start of bing-
ing I started writing in a journal when I felt myself “clicking”
over. If I could even write one sentence of what I was feeling, it
was a start.

Ed, my therapist, inspired me ever so gently to do this, to
become present with myself during my desire to black out from life
by binging and purging, or “clicking over.” He challenged me to
express myself during those specific moments, which required me
to be with what was going on in my head before and during the
process. He was gently guiding me to go from having a monologue
in my head to having a dialog on paper. I could not just disengage
myself if I were writing or talking about what was going on. It
became more tactile and real instead of blurry and out of my focus

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or reach and then, control or choice. I could then dissect it and un-
derstand it. When he had me on the phone (when I finally got to the
point of being able to call him – I did it once) and he asked me to
describe my stresses and worries and what might cause me to binge
and purge, my worries did not seem so monstrous. He asked me
how they might be solved and he helped me realize that they are not
life threatening… I will still live. They really were not so bad as to
have to black out. They were deal-able. It took a bit of time to get
to that point for me but eventually it did work. I imagine that could
work for others as well. This makes sense to me. I hope it does to
you.

• I would start on a project.

Sometimes I could avoid a binge and purge night by starting
on a project – like organizing my filing cabinet. That project would
take my focus and time and suddenly it would be four in the morn-
ing and I didn’t binge and purge (and at the end of the night/morning
my files looked FABULOUS!) Sometimes this worked, sometimes
it didn’t.

• I had a person who stayed with me who was supportive
and sensitive.

I feel blessed (and that it truly helped me recover) having
Andrea in my presence during this time. She was a caring person
around me all the time who was not judgmental about what I was
going through but was loving, caring, calm and supportive. I was
pleasantly distracted from my destructive self with her. I realize
that some of you do live with a spouse or someone and continue to
struggle with bulimia. I’ve been there too.

• I found a spiritual connection, this wasn’t through reli-
gion for me but it can be; whatever works.

As I was getting closer to my Self by connecting to my spirit
I was feeling beyond amazing in these experiences. When I was
binging and purging I was completely disconnected from my new-
found wonderful, loving Self. My soul yearned to stay connected. It
yearned to be a part of me in this time-space continuum.

As my dad put it years later after I had a conversation about

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his experiences with bulimia, binging and purging takes a lot of ef-
fort! It is a waste of time and love and energy. It’s a void. A black
hole. There is no judgment here. It is what it is. I get it now. I am
sympathetic to anyone going through it for sure. It is not in my spirit
to judge those going through it I ONLY want to help if I possibly
can and INSPIRE!! That is my true purpose; to be a living example
of surviving bulimia – of transforming from being a “bulimic” to a,
well, a “person” without that label. There is no magic wand unless
you believe and understand that there actually is a magic wand.
Stay present. Feel your experiences. Let what you feel guide you.
There is a light at the end of your dark tunnel. We sometimes need
a guide… or two.

• Laugh.
Find things that lift your spirit and make you laugh. Some-
times I might go on You Tube and watch cats do stupid things. I love
watching funny films. I’ve subscribed to a few vlogs that are super
funny and I enjoy spending time watching them. If something or
someone makes me laugh, it is worth my time tenfold. Time is pre-
cious. Use it wisely (like watching something stupid that makes you
smile, weeeeeeeeeee!).

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