Tishrei 5781 Magazine_Print

lssue 90 / Tishrei 5781

10 Shofar Blowing and
Full-Blown Happiness

62 44
Money- Meds at
Saving Tips McDonald's

‫לעילוי נשמת ר' משה בן ר' דוד‬

Main Office: Services

1310 48th Street, Brooklyn, NY 11219 24 Hour Referral Helpline • ATIME Publications • Book & Audio Libraries
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• Mr. Avrum Grunhut • Rabbi Naftuli Weiss

England: Midwest: Board of Directors

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Israel: Florida:
• Samuel D. Bender, M.D. • Alan S. Berkeley, M.D. • Michael Bohrer, M.D.
Phone: 07.32.800.800 305-260-6377 • Jessica R. Brown, MD • Peer Dar, M.D. • Owen K. Davis, M.D. • Tommaso Falcone, M.D.
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• Peter McGovern, M.D. • Thomas A. Molinaro, M.D. • Christine Mullin, M.D.
Phone: +323 500 1075 (410) 394-7074 • Nicole Noyes, M.D. • Steven Palter, M.D. • Samantha M. Pfeifer, MD
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Virginia • Delaware • Daniel Salzman, M.D. • Hugh S. Taylor, M.D. • Zev Williams, M.D.

Founder and CEO/Rabbi Shaul Rosen Support Services Advisory Board
Adminstrator/Mr. Yanky Waxler Program Director/ Sara Barris, Ph.D.
President/Mr. Moshe Fischer
Event Coordinator/Mrs. Miriam Fishoff
Rabbinical Director/Rabbi Chaim Aron Unger Mrs. Myriam Kalchstein Mrs. Chaya Ostreicher
Director of Medical Affairs/Rabbi Mordechai Koenig Mr. Meir Bertram Mrs. Libby Klein Mrs. Yendelle Roittenberg
Mrs. Rivky Bertram Mrs. Ruchy Rosenfeld
Director of Member Services/Mrs. Brany Rosen Mrs. Joy Ehrman Mrs. Yettie Katz Mrs. Brany Rosen
Helpline Medical Director/Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz Mrs. Rivka Feit Mrs. Shoshana Karasick Mrs. Sara Selengut
Mrs. Malky Levine Mrs. Feige Singer
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Medical Referrals and Support/Mrs. Simi Hersko Mrs. Hindy Dahari
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Helpline
Event Coordinator/Mrs. Miriam Fishoff
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• Mrs. Esty Unsdorfer • Mrs. Noami Zupnik• Mrs. Meira Mansour
Director of Community Affairs/Mr. Alter Katz
Office Manager/Mrs. Chani Kerper Pregnancy Loss Helpline

Insurance Advocacy/Mrs. Zissy Neustadt • Mrs. Devorie Berger •Mrs. Yonina Kaufman •Mrs. Esther Moeller
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Graphic Design/Mrs. Shiffy Litchfield/Mr. Chanoch Glick A TIME Medical Supervision (Hashgacha)

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Shasathon Committee/Mr. Mordechai Trieger/Yoel Wexler Associate Director/Rabbi Yosef Moshe Heilpern
Coordinators/Mrs. Henny Frankel/Mrs. Sury Schwartz
Shasathon Director/ Mr. Chaim Fasten
Director of Community Outreach/Mrs. Rochie Cynamon Mashgichim/Mashgichos

R TIME Director/Mrs. Chumie Becker • Elana Abadi • Faigy Abowitz • Chavela Adler • Zlatie Benjaminson • Deevi Berman
Kol Chaya/ Mr. Yoel Lowy/Mr. Avigdor Follman • Hadassah Brown • Eli Brown • Chaya Felzenberg • Efraim Friedman • Moshe Gellis
• Miriam Gerstner • Judy Goldberger • Zehava Goldenberg • Esty Goldshmidt • Phyllis Gross
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• Chavi Rosenberg • Sharon Rosenhaus • Penina Rothman • Chaya Yitty Rottenberg
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Helpline Assistant/ Suri Hertzberg
Lakewood Office Manager/ Mrs. Suri Perl

A TIME welcomes your signed letters, articles and poems. All Shabbos Near the Hospital
suggestions, comments and constructive criticisms are welcome. All
submissions become the property of A TIME and may be edited for Mrs. Chaya Kar/ Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz •Mrs. Malky Grunberger
length and clarity. Articles and letters published in A TIME express the • Mrs. Reizy Eigner • Mrs. Sury Friedman• Mrs. Zissy Muller
views of the individual writers and may not necessarily represent the
Magazine & Publications
views of A TIME. Please address all correspondence to:
Editor in Chief/Mrs. Devoiry Goralnik
A TIME 1310 48th Street, Suite 406, Brooklyn, NY 11219 Contributing editors/Mrs. Faigy Mozes • Mrs. Shulamis Krumbein
or email: [email protected]
• Mrs. Etti Rafalowitz • Mrs. Adina Lebovic
A TIME, a non-profit organization that supports and educates those Yiddish Editor/Mr. Y. Rosenberg • Mr. S. Schlesinger • [email protected]
in the Jewish community experiencing infertility, publishes this Graphic Design/Mrs. Rivky Herzog • [email protected]
Darchei Tikvah Editors/Mrs. Faigy Mozes • Mrs. Adina Lebovic • Mrs. Shulamis Krumbein
newsletter 4 times annually (April, June, September, and December). IVF Guide Editor in Chief/ Mrs. Leah Eisenberg
A TIME does not assume responsibility for the kashruth or reliability
of any product or establishment advertised in its pages. We reserve
the right to reject any advertising for any reason. We shall not be held

liable for non-publication of any submitted advertisements.

Office: A TIME, 1310 48th Street, Suite 406, Brooklyn, NY 11219.

CTaobnlteeonfts 54

Editorial 10 Support

Letter From the Founder 5 8 Tips to Help Stop Obsessing 60
Letter From the Editor 7
Mailbox 8 Tips for Saving Money

Chizuk During Treatment 62
Things I would Say 64
Shofar Blowing and Appreciating the Present 66

Full-blown Happiness 10 Medical
Discovering Tefillah 16
Tears 22 ExerciseDuringTreatment 70
Remote Controlled 23 Adjuvant Treatments 72
Just Waiting 24 10 Progesterone Questions 74
Chizuk From the Crisis 28 Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome 78
A Garden on High 32
48 Humor
Chizuk from 72
Within The waiting room game 82
It Takes a Village 84
Validation From Chana 34 Breaking News 86
Supposed to Be 36 Cartoon 87
Year in Review 38 Last Day of Infertility 88
Meds At Mcdonalds 44 Humor From the Trenches 90
Face of Infertility 46
The Grand Show 48 Yiddish
Through My Lens 50 Section
A Unique Type of Simcha 52
The Magic Chocolate Cure 54 99-156
I Have a Dream 58

A TIME was founded in memory of:
‫ר׳ ירמי׳ ב״ר אהרן ע״ה • ר׳ מרדכי ע״ה ב״ר אפרים רוזן נ״י‬

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 3

Building
Families
One Dream
at a Time

Call 212-756-5777 www.rmany.com

Reproductive Medicine Associates of New York
Where Medical Excellence and Compassionate Care Unite

Alan B. Copperman, MD Daniel E. Stein, MD Beth A. McAvey, MD
Lawrence Grunfeld, MD Eric Flisser, MD Kimberley A. Thornton, MD
Tanmoy Mukherjee, MD
Benjamin Sandler, MD Joseph B. Davis, DO Jovana Lekovich, MD
Jeffrey Klein, MD Natan Bar-Chama, MD

Matthew A. Lederman, MD

Eastside Westside Downtown Brooklyn Long Island Westchester

635 Madison Avenue 200 W 57th Street 594 Broadway 26 Court Street 400 Garden City Plaza 311 North Street
10th Floor Suite 900 Suite 1011 Suite 2710 Suite 107 Suite 310
New York, NY 10022 New York, NY 10019 New York, NY 10012 Brooklyn, NY 11242 Garden City, NY 11530 White Plains, NY 10605
P: (212) 756-5777 P: (212) 256-8200 P: (212) 906-7900 P: (718) 532-8700 P: (516) 746-3633 P: (914) 997-6200
F: (212) 756-5770 F: (212) 247-4292 F: (212) 965-1800 F: (212) 756-5770 F: (516) 746-3622 F: (212) 756-5770

@RMAofNY The Division of Reproductive Endocrinology
and Infertility at Mount Sinai Hospital

Leter from the Founder

Dear Friends,

This past year was not an easy out any confusion, data or
one for any of us. Who could misinformation. We are
have described 2020? committed to helping you in so
many ways.
It was a year in which the
world learned about social This year it was so clear to the
distancing, masks and world that a Greater Power was
quarantine. orchestrating the events.

To many of us these concepts Anyone living infertility knows
were not so new. this so clearly. Hashem is in
control.
We can teach the world how to
wear a mask when your heart is This year as you open your
breaking and to social distance machzor of Rosh Hashanah,
for protection. The world did take a moment to internalize
this for a few months, and so the message of the year and of
much changed. Hashem’s greatness and infinite
power to make this the year of
I feel like the new year will be your yeshuah.
a great one when all masks will
come off and things will return Here for you.
to normal for all of us.
To the sweetest year ever,
Just know that wherever you
are… you are not alone. We are Brany Rosen
quarantining with you!
Director of Member Services
Every program and service
that we offer is to help sort

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 5

BuolA!eeapnTvtdIteeMahnstEtetesd

Eemvaeinl [email protected]

Call 215 ,718-686-8912

ext

Text

F"aotlilmoewev" ents
to 40404

6 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

| LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Dear
Readers

Every year on Yom Kippur, the that the potency their words contained
Kohen Gadol would enter the Kodesh threatened the very existence of Eretz
HaKodashim — the holiest man, on the Yisroel’s much-needed supply of rain.
holiest day, in the holiest place. Upon So powerful were their words that the
performing his lofty avodah, he would Kohen Gadol himself had to intervene
exit the Kodesh HaKodashim and enter to prevent Hashem from heeding their
the heichel, offering a short tefillah on prayers and holding back gishmei bracha
behalf of the welfare of Klal Yisroel: for all of Eretz Yisroel.
for rain, for the kingship to remain in
Bais Yehudah, and for sustenance. And Such is the power of a traveler.
he’d conclude by saying, “V’lo yikanos Traversing roads strewn with challenges,
lefanecha tefillos ovrei derachim — And unsure of where the next pitfall may lie,
do not let the prayers of travelers enter we yearn to reach our destination despite
Your Presence.” (Yoma 53-b) the ever-growing distance ahead. We
whisper words of desperation, of complete
Who were these travelers, and why did reliance — and of hope. Motivated by self-
their tefillah warrant a counter-prayer by interests as they may have been, we know
the Kohen Gadol during one of the most that it is the words of our fellow travelers
auspicious moments of the year? that were deemed the most potent on
the holiest of days. We may be weary, we
The travelers were those who may feel lost, but it is the knowledge that
journeyed from far and wide to partake we, the travelers, are being heard unlike
in aliyah l’regel. Traversing the long any others, that give us strength to lift our
distances from Yerushalayim, susceptible eyes and forge ahead.
to the elements and dangers of the open
road, those ovrei derachim knew that As we stand in shul this Rosh Hashanah,
only Hashem could keep them safe. let us realize, cherish, and take advantage
And so they’d look to the skies and beg, of the unique koach of each heartfelt
“Hashem, please hold off the rain. Please whisper — each wordless request — put
let us not be harmed on our journey. forth by those of us journeying along our
Allow us to return home, protected and special road through life.
sound.”
With wishes for a gut, gebentcht yahr,
The travelers’ heartfelt whispers were
delivered with such clarity, such reliance, The Editors

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 7

| EDITORIAL

Mail Box Dear A TIME,

I just wanted to send this note to thank A TIME
for setting up the Zoom conference with Rabbi
YY Jacobson. It was truly inspiring and gave my
husband and myself real chizuk.
Thank you for constantly making sure the
couples going through infertility are taken care
of during this time.
May Hashem bless you with health and
happiness!

A Listener

Dear A TIME,

I wanted to thank you for the webinars. I really
enjoyed listening in and being able to watch

some that I didn't get to listen to live. This is a

time that is very difficult for many couples, and

we greatly appreciate all the efforts you put in to

do everything in your power to ease the burden!
May Hashem repay you, and may it bring the

geulah b’karov!

H.

8 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

Dear Vivienne,

To the Amazing A TIME Staff, I cannot thank you enough for everything you and your

I just had a retrieval today, and I’m speechless. organization does to care for the future of Klal Yisroel.
The mashgicha was so kind and encouraging,
and the lunch was so refreshing and the perfect Shabbos was beyond anything I could have hoped for.
thing we needed. (We totally didn’t consider that
we might get hungry. We were too nervous to From the accommodations to the food to the flowers and
remember that!) and then the supper arrived —
just wow! magazines… nothing was left out! Sorry for the last-
May Hashem repay you with lots of bracha,
hatzlacha, and siyata d’Shmaya. minute rush, but thank you again for all of your help and

Thanks again calmness right before Shabbos.

C.S. And thank you for all your help in my journey and for your

support, referrals and listening ear. You were always so

helpful and supportive. A TIME is amazing!

May Hashem repay you in full measure for all the chesed

and kindness you do!

So Grateful

To Brany, Vivienne and the Entire A TIME Staff, To the Most Amazing A TIME Staff,

I've been an A TIME member for over a year There are simply no words to express our appreciation
and benefited so much from all your support, and gratitude for all you do. You made infertility become
guidance and the hashgacha program. I enjoyed the normal way of life; you make us feel so safe and
the Shabbaton immensely; it gave us tons of normal! And you even make it exciting with all your
chizuk. programs. The Shabbos retreat was unreal. We felt so
My hakaras hatov to A TIME is beyond what privileged and proud to be part of it. We left feeling:
I can ever verbally express. You have helped “Wow, it’s worth being part of this.”
my husband and myself in so many ways and During retrieval we had the most amazing and supportive
gave us so much support and chizuk during our mashgicha who sat with us, spoke with us, and was
journey. mechazek us. Then she handed us this bag of delicious
May Hashem repay you with boundless brachos food, showing us how much A TIME cares and that
for all the chesed you do! people are thinking of us when no one else knows what’s
going on in our lives. And then we came home a few
Sincerely, hours later to find supper at our door. Wow! we felt so
cared about.
The F.s Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

A Very Grateful Couple

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 9

| C H I Z U K • BY: Y. R O I T E N B A R G ©

Seasonal Thoughts

‫ושמחת בחגיך – ושמחת בחייך‬

Ateacher asked a group While collecting the students’ encouragingly suggested, “Tell us
of young students to votes, the teacher noted that one what you have and perhaps we
list what they thought student had not yet completed her can help you to decide.”
were the “Seven Wonders of assignment, so she asked her if
the World.” Though there were she was having trouble compiling The girl began to read her
some discrepancies, most of the her list. The young pupil explained list: “1) to see 2) to hear 3) to
votes included famous sites or that she could not submit her touch 4) to taste 5) to feel 6) to
magnificent views, such as the answers because she was laugh 7) to think.” She hesitated
Great Wall of China and the Grand having difficulty selecting from before continuing, “But I am still
Canyon. the many choices. The teacher deliberating for there are more

10 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

We think the There is so much in life that havoc it could wreak, or the many
wonders of the we take for granted, there are aspects of life it could affect. The
so many things we overlook or turbulent times, the devastating
world are in regard as ordinary, even though losses, the prolonged disruption
remote, exotic they are truly wondrous and and uncertainty it brought, has
perhaps life’s greatest gifts. shaken us all to the core. The only
locations, Sometimes in our quest for thing that is absolutely definite
when in fact additional needs, we lose sight of and clear is that Hashem is the only
the more frequent blessings that One in control — efes malkeinu,
we can already fill our lives, although efes zulaso. In the blink of an eye
find many they are of no lesser significance. He can overturn the entire world
Sometimes we fail to appreciate and with equal swiftness He can
of life’s how fortunate and privileged we annul decrees, bring yeshuos and
most really are. We think the wonders the Geulah Sheleimah. We have
of the world are in remote, exotic seen with startling clarity how the
incredible locations, when in fact we can minutest of things can have such
blessings find many of life’s most incredible a wide-ranging impact and that
blessings within ourselves and our absolutely nothing in life is a given
within own surroundings. or too minor to appreciate.
ourselves
We all have requests, hopes, This entire concept is
and our own dreams and tefillos. We may particularly pertinent to the
surroundings. approach Rosh Hashanah with a month of Tishrei.
list of gifts we desperately hope
than seven. What about love, Hashem will credit to our annual When we daven “zochreinu
family, kindness, friendship and account. We spend Rosh Hashanah l’chaim” not only are we asking for
health?” immersed in concentrated life, but all of us hope that our lives
prayer, pouring our hearts out, will be smooth, uncomplicated
At first, there were a few begging Hashem, “Malei yadeinu and without hindrances. Most
snickers, but the teacher stood mibirchosecha.” This past year of us step into Tishrei with our
there stunned and soon the class has revealed just how much we wish lists, yearning for answered
became so silent, you could have always taken for granted: a tefillos and straightforward,
hear a pin drop. With her simple warm handshake, an affectionate happy lives. Clutching our
answer this student had revealed hug, a bright unmasked smile, machzorim tightly, we pour out
remarkable perception. daily routine, reunions, attending a our hearts, prayers and tears. We
shiur not only on Zoom, full-scale plead, promise and tremble as the
simchos, grand celebrations and shofar’s loud blasts penetrate our
certainly something as huge and souls and pierce the Heavens.
memorable as the Siyum Hashas.
The different sounds blown
Could any of us have fathomed on the shofar and the various
last year the implication and haunting notes are comparable
magnitude of the words “mi to the differing phases we
bamageifah”? We did not imagine experience in life. There are times
that a pandemic could literally of hope when life is smooth and
capsize the world. We could not untroubled, much like the long,
have predicted how global and smooth sound of the tekiah.
extensive a virus could be, the Sometimes life is interjected

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 11

with pain, sadness, challenges ‫ — ענני במרחב קה‬Hashem can

and difficulties. Then our heaving alleviate our anguish and answer

sobs, cascading tears and broken our pleas lavishly and expansively.

hearts are like the sobbing sound We want rich, By blowing the shofar we
of the shevarim. At times we perfect lives. proclaim Hashem’s sovereignty
crave to move forward, onward We want to be over the entire universe, we declare
and upward, but to our dismay we perfect like the Hashem as Melech — the King
encounter struggles and obstacles. esrog, upright Who rules, controls, commands
These bumps in life are similar like the lulav and directs. The shofar — a ram’s
to the disjointed sounds of the and we want horn — also arouses Hashem’s
teruah. The final blast is the tekiah our lives to mercy, as it conjures up memories
gedolah, reminding us to keep our be beautiful, of Avraham Avinu’s tremendous
focus on the sweetest sound of all, without any mesiras nefesh at Akeidas
the relief of yeshuos and the tekiah black flecks, Yitzchak. It is a vivid reminder of
gedolah of Moshiach. how he succeeded in nullifying his
splits or own will for ratzon Hashem and of
The word shofar (‫ )שופר‬is linked difficulties. the ram that he finally offered up in
to the verb leshaper (‫)לשפר‬, which place of Yitzchak.
means to improve, obviously
prompting us to try to improve When Rosh Hashanah coincides
our ways but also reminding us with Shabbos, as it does this year,
not to despair. No matter what there is no shofar. There are none
stage we find ourselves in, even if of the sounds that penetrate our
we are on the bumpiest of paths, souls, thwart the Satan or arouse
our circumstances can improve. Hashem’s compassion. We would
Whatever phase we are in: the certainly opt to blow the shofar,
long and the short sounds, the for we want the protection and
secure or the uncertain times, we arousal it offers, however, we set
must recognize that everything aside our desire in deference to
from the largest to the minutest of ratzon Hashem. This readiness to
occurrences comes from Hashem. relinquish our needs or wishes is

The shofar is curved and dark similar to that of Avraham Avinu.

inside. It has a very narrow opening at the mouth and The absence of the shofar is a silent testimony but

widens at the exit but, because of its curved shape we an equally powerful demonstration and proclamation

cannot see from one end to the other. On the twists that Hashem melech, Hashem malach, Hashem

and turns of life we mostly cannot glimpse the light yimloch l’olam va’ed.

at the end of the tunnel. Like the shofar, we, too, We want to blow the shofar, but we acquiesce and
have a place of darkness inside of us. We go through accept that in this instance Hashem demands of us
periods where we feel confined and have to withstand to refrain; He does not want our tekios on Shabbos.
circumstances from which we desperately want In recent months we have had to relinquish many of
reprieve. The shofar conveys that even though we our wishes in favor of ratzon Hashem. Even spiritual
may feel stuck, Hashem can easily relocate us from norms, which had previously been taken for granted,
cramped darkness to vast relief. The pasuk recited were suddenly banned, forcing us to view them with
just prior to tekias shofar reassures us of this: newfound appreciation. How many shuls and yeshivos

‫ — מן המצר קראתי קה‬when we feel stifled and scream were barred? How many people had to daven without

out from the oppressive confines, then a minyan for weeks and even months, during the

week, on Shabbos and even over Yom Tov? We would

12 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

have wanted to be able to invite guests, visit the and to live in it for a full week. Can living outdoors,
sick or the elderly — maybe even our own parents or exposed to the elements, without our usual comfort
grandparents. There were those who could not even and security make us joyful? We just spent Rosh
recite kaddish but accepted that this was ratzon Hashanah begging Hashem to grant us all of our
Hashem, because due to the state of affairs, pikuach heartfelt requests, to shower us with an abundance of
nefesh was the overriding factor, just like Shabbos bracha, and now He asks us to serve Him joyfully from
overrides tekias shofar. a provisional, unpretentious abode, without luxuries,
just with basics, faith and trust.
In a somewhat similar vein, we can say about
ourselves that we would love to fulfill the very first In the times of the Beis Hamikdash the joy was most
mitzvah in the Torah and bring children into the world. palpable during the Simchas Bais Hashoevah, which
We desperately want to carry out “v’shinantam was celebrated by pouring water on the mizbe’ach.
levanecha.” How we yearn to have children singing Water. Not wine! Most karbonos are accompanied
zemiros and telling divrei Torah around our Shabbos with nisuch hayayin — with wine poured over the
tables. We definitely hope the efforts we make and mizbe’ach, but on Sukkos at the time of ultimate
the copious tears we shed will bear fruit, but until joy, we suffice and even rejoice with pouring water.
then, despite our anguish, we accept that for the time Sukkos communicates the message that the more
being this is ratzon Hashem. We have a wish list and modest our expectations and the more we appreciate
tearfully daven and yearn for this wondrous gift to fill the simple things in life the happier we can be.
our lives, hearts and homes. For now, though, this is
the route Hashem wants us to traverse. Despite the How then do the arba minim fit in with this
gaping vacuum that torments our souls, we try to approach? This expensive set can hardly be called
accept the infertility challenge and make every effort simple. The esrog is probably the most expensive
not to lose sight of the numerous other blessings that fruit. This pri eitz hadar, has to be the perfect shade
fill our lives. Actually, infertility makes us all the more of yellow, beautifully shaped and without any black
aware that nothing should be taken for granted, that specks. The lulav, too, is carefully selected; it has to
nothing is too small or insignificant to appreciate. be long and closed until the top, without any split.
The hadassim must be meshulash — leaves in triples,
If we manage to internalize this concept on Rosh overlaid in perfect precision around the stem. Along
Hashanah then we are well on the way to celebrating with the aravos they are precisely positioned and
Sukkos properly. Almost as soon as Yom Kippur is meticulously tied together. In contrast to this, there
over, we are instructed to step into Sukkos — into is another type of leaf used as the roof covering of the
a state of absolute joy — ach sameach. How do we sukkah. A sukkah without a canopy of sechach is not
celebrate Zman Sicmchaseinu joyfully? By exploring kosher, but for this, there are no major requirements,
some of the mitzvos of this multifaceted Yom Tov, we the simplest cut leaves or branches are adequate.
can infer what exactly it is that
enables us to achieve this state The arba minim resemble
of happiness. mankind. Both spiritually
and physically, we all aim for
How should we rejoice? excellence. We want rich,
Hashem commands us to leave perfect lives. We want to be
the comforts of our homes. perfect like the esrog, upright
Where should we go? On some like the lulav and we want our
extravagant vacation? To a lives to be beautiful, without any
palatial hotel? black flecks, splits or difficulties.
Interestingly, the arba minim are
To celebrate this time of joy, held and shaken for just a short
we are instructed to build a span of time, during some of
little, temporary hut outdoors the davening, whereas living in

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 13

the sukkah under the sechah is a we davened for more, hoped

mitzvah for the entire seven days for different and had higher

of Sukkos, all day and all night, expectations. These are not

while awake and asleep. In life, the life circumstances we ever

we can pray and strive for beauty envisaged, but we look up at the

and perfection, but when things plain, cut sechach and accept

do not appear to be so wonderful, that this is ratzon Hashem. We

when the layout of our lives is not acknowledge that Hashem is

turning out in accordance to our leading the way, and we echo the

perfectly mapped-out dreams, phrase, “Al pi Hashem yisu v’al pi

then we must settle for sechach. Hashem yachanu.”

Most often, perfection is short- We have While waving the arba minim
lived. On the whole, much of life requests and in all directions, we can daven
will be about trying to make do for whatever our hearts desire.
with less, and accepting our lot in hopes but Whatever salvation we await,
life, even if our lot is a lot different then find whether it comes from the right or
than our hoped-for dreams and from the left, Hashem can grant it.
aspirations. Even if it is out of our sight, behind

The sechach reminds us of the ourselves us, far in front of us, beyond our
ananei hakavod in the midbar, confronting field of vision, whether it needs
which signaled to the Yidden to come from the depths or from

when they would travel and when immaterialized the heights, we believe Hashem
they would stop. Sometimes they dreams, can deliver us our yeshuah.
encamped for days or weeks, Sometimes, though, the yeshuah
other times for months or years at trekking along is long in coming and we feel
a stretch. Sometimes they were disheartened, so Hashem tells us

just settled when the cloud began the grueling to go out into a temporary, humble
to move. They never knew when paths of lechtech abode, to relinquish some of the
they were going, where they were acharai bamidbar comforts, blessings and amenities
going, for how long they would we had hoped to have in life and to
travel or whether a stop would serve Him faithfully and jubilantly

be for a day or an extended stay. with the simple blessings He has
already bestowed upon us.
b’eretz lo zeruah.”Talk about uncertainty and the
How under such
insecurity of not being able to circumstances If it seems hard or perhaps
plan. With the coronavirus still so can we achieve even impossible to find the joy
rampant can we equate? How did of Yom Tov while sitting on our
they do this? The answer is found in happiness? own, when everything around
the pasuk. Each time they traveled us is accentuating our void, then
or stopped, the pasuk tells us, “Al perhaps the following can serve
pi Hashem yisu, v’al pi Hashem
as inspiration. Soon after World
yachanu.” This is the message
War II, a Rav, a lone survivor, who
of sechach. Life is not necessarily perfect; there are
struggles, uncertainties, disappointments and fears. had suffered horrifically in concentration camps
We have requests and hopes but then find ourselves and was still grieving the tragic loss of his wife and
confronting immaterialized dreams, trekking along children who had all been brutally killed, was sitting
the grueling paths of “lechtech acharai bamidbar on Sukkos with another survivor who asked him: How
b’eretz lo zeruah.” How under such circumstances can in the aftermath of such tragedy could they really
we achieve happiness? We dreamed of perfection, expected to be genuinely happy? The Rav told him
that essentially he was right, as the pasuk denotes:

14 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

(‫ְו ָשׂ ַמ ְח ָּת ְּב ַח ֶּג ָך ַא ָּתה ּו ִב ְנ ָך ּו ִב ֶּת ָך ְו ַע ְב ְּד ָך‬ How, we may wonder, is this
possible?
‫ַו ֲא ָמ ֶת ָך ְו ַה ֵּל ִוי ְו ַה ֵּגר ְו ַהָּיתוֹם ְו ָה ַא ְל ָמָנה ֲא ֶׁשר‬
The pasuk continues '‫ִּכי ְי ָב ֶר ְכ ָך ה‬
16:14 ‫ִּב ְׁש ָע ֶרי ָך (דברים‬ ‫— ֶאלֹ ֶקי ָך ְּבכֹל ְּתב ּו ָא ְת ָך ּו ְבכֹל ַמ ֲע ֵשׂה ָי ֶדי ָך‬
happiness is achieved by focusing
He said that really we are told on the blessings that fill our lives.
to rejoice on Yom Tov with family. Spending Yom Tov alone without
When Yom Tov is celebrated family can be excruciating, but we
together with sons and daughters, should know we are in the exact
the family unity in and of itself is a situation Hashem has designated
natural and integral part of the joy for us — ’‫ ַּב ָּמקוֹם ֲא ֶׁשר ִי ְב ַחר ה‬. We
of Yom Tov. In the absence of that, might not have reproduced but we can feel grateful
finding joy is so incredibly difficult for the productive lives we lead — ‫ ּו ְבכֹל ַמ ֲע ֵשׂה ָי ֶדי ָך‬. We
that we might think we are exempt. Therefore the should recognize our talents, feel grateful for our
next pasuk continues: ‫ִׁש ְב ַעת ָי ִמים ָּת ֹחג ַלה' ֱאֹלקיָך ַּבָּמקֹום ֲאֶׁשר‬ abilities, appreciate our successes and not lose sight
‫ ִי ְב ַחר ה' ִּכי ְי ָבֶר ְכָך ה' ֱאֹלקיָך ְּב ֹכל ְּתבּו ָא ְתָך ּו ְב ֹכל ַמ ֲעֵׂשה ָי ֶדיָך ְו ָהִיי ָת ַאְך ָׂש ֵמ ַח‬. of the many triumphs and wonders that do fill our
lives. We observe Yom Tov happily, not because we
We are told to celebrate for seven days ’‫ַּבָּמקֹום ֲאֶׁשר‬ have it all, but because we are happy with all we have.
‫ִי ְב ַחר ה‬. This literally refers to in the Beis Hamikdash but
it also implies: in whichever place or circumstance We can hope, dream and daven. We can have a wish
Hashem has chosen to put us in. Even now on our list, but when our expectations are not met, when life
own without any family, we are obliged to serve is not the beauty of the arba minim but more like the
Hashem jubilantly — ach sameach. The word ach can sechach, which reminds us of the travels and travails
be translated as but, despite or even, meaning even in the desert, we can still find joy and feel grateful.
in the face of challenges, even with this gaping void Incidentally, the arba minim are waved around,
and without our families, ach sameach still applies. It upward and downward, whereas the sechach is
means — but even with this, and despite this Hashem always positioned up at the top. Simple faith, being
wants us to be happy and to serve Him with simcha. able to live happily and serenely, accepting ratzon
Hashem, is in fact the highest of levels and probably
The same applies to us. Even though we are on our the most phenomenal wonder of all. We might be on
own without our dreamed-of family, nevertheless ach the winding, lonely route b’eretz lo zeruah. We might
sameach is still a prerequisite on Sukkos. Even in the temporarily be living, not in a home that resembles
face of dashed hopes and as of yet, immaterialized our dreams, but in one that meets with His plan. We
dreams and unanswered tefillos we are required to might not be pouring wine, but water, sometimes
celebrate the Yom Tov joyously. streaming in tears — shifchi kamaim libech. However,
lechtech acharai bamidbar, when we unquestioningly
If we were to ask around what people view as follow Hashem, we can let go of our fears, insecurities
the seven wonders, joyous moments or highlights and uncertainties, and feel calm and find deep, inner
of family life, the lists would surely include all the joy. When we trustingly follow Hashem through
nachas moments: a child’s siddur or chumash party, the barren desert, over the bumps and hurdles and
a son’s tuneful leining at his bar mitzvah, emotionally through the darkest of times, He regards it as chesed,
walking a child to the chuppah, being present at as a tremendous loving, kindness and He proclaims:
the birth of a grandchild and probably also Yom Tov
surrounded by children and grandchildren, crowded ‫ָז ַכ ְר ִּתי ָל ְך ֶח ֶסד ְנע ּו ַרִי ְך ַא ֲה ַבת ְּכל ּולֹ ָתִי ְך‬
tables filled with joyous, amiable chatter and lively
singing. We are not being asked, though, to enumerate And when the time is ripe Hashem will repay us
those seven wonders, and for those of us who await abundantly because He is
that bracha, we realize it encompasses far more than
seven! It, in fact, fills every moment of life, at every ‫ נוֹ ֵצר ֶח ֶסד ָל ֲא ָל ִפים‬,‫ ְו ַרב ֶח ֶסד ֶו ֱא ֶמת‬...... ‫ ֵקל ַרח ּום ְו ַח ּנ ּון‬.
stage of it. What we are being asked and instructed
is ‫ ׁ ִש ְב ַעת יָ ִמים ּ ָתח ֹג‬to celebrate Yom Tov delightedly for
seven days.

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 15

| CHIZUK

DTeifsiclolvaehring

The three fundamental pillars on which The Chovos HaLevovos2 writes that the
the world stands and on which each of primary objective of tefillah is to foster the
us must toil throughout our lives are relationship between ourselves and Hakadosh
Torah, avodah, and gemilas chasadim. The Baruch Hu, to cultivate our dependence on
circumstances in which we, specifically, find Him, and to reinforce our mindset of ‫אין עוד‬
ourselves hold the potential to strengthen ‫ ;מלבדו‬there is no one but He.
these foundations and enable us to ascend
and scale the loftiest heights. Come, let us The painful reality is that a typical person in a
contemplate our essential task, of which the typical situation has difficulty focusing during
Gemara states1 "‫"הלואי שיתפלל אדם כל היום כולו‬: his tefillah; this is a challenge that all of us
tefillah. grapple with to varying degrees.

1. "‫ "הלואי שיתפלל אדם כל היום כולו‬.‫ברכות כב‬.
2. ‫שער חשבון הנפש פרק ג' בחשבון התשיעי‬.

16 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

Tefillah during I not acting in an admirable way? Are You
a Time of Misfortune prepared to answer me?” In other words,
we are not focusing on strengthening our
What transpires during a time of challenge connection with Hakadosh Baruch Hu per se,
or misfortune? Since we beseech Hashem but rather yearning for salvation. We are, so to
for salvation, it is incumbent on us to focus speak, trying to impress Hakadosh Baruch Hu
intently on our tefillos so that they are offered with our tefillos so that He will solve whatever
with full hearts, else why would Hakadosh difficulty concerns us. This mindset cannot
Baruch Hu heed our requests? be compared to the tie that binds a son to his
father, and resembles more that of the Director
Does heartfelt tefillah with concentration bring of an institute toward a potential donor.
us to closeness with Hashem? Undoubtedly,
yes. The tefillah benefits from an added Exalted Tefillah
dimension, becoming an intense bond between
us and Hashem. Genuine tefillah is that which is offered from a
place of ahavas Hashem, from a deep-rooted
In the words of Rabbeinu Bachaya3 trust that it is only Hashem who knows what
is truly good for us, and that everything that
‫ כאותה שהוא‬,‫ללמדך שאין תפילתו של אדם שלמה‬ He does is for our benefit. Genuine beseeching
‫ שהיא יותר מקובלת‬,‫מתפלל מתוך הצרה והדוחק‬ of Hashem comes from deep-rooted intimacy
‫ וכן תמצא ביונה הנביא ע"ה‬.‫והיא העולה לפניו יתברך‬ that urges us to pour our hearts out before
‫ בהתעטף עלי נפשי את‬,4‫ הוא שאמר‬,‫שבאר הענין הזה‬ Him; a feeling that I stand before One who
‫ הבטיח‬.‫ ותבא אליך תפילתי אל היכל קדשך‬,‫ד' זכרתי‬ loves me and truly wishes to help me and
‫הנביא שהתפילה שהיא מתוך הצער ועטיפת הנפש‬ alleviate my pain; that Hashem truly cares
.'‫היא הנכנסת אל היכל קדשו יתב‬ about how I am feeling and how I am tackling
the painful situation in which I find myself;
Rabbeinu Bachaya is teaching us that tefillah that the purpose of my tefillah is to unburden
that is offered during a trying situation is myself to Him and divest myself of that which
accepted in a special manner. torments me.

In truth, however, a significant portion of our This is genuine tefillah.
connection with Hakadosh Baruch Hu through
tefillah during a time of struggle may yet be One of the most well-known tefillos was
lost if we fail to give it the proper attention. offered by a woman yearning for children
— the tefillah of Chana, the mother of
When we daven during a time of need or Shmuel HaNavi. This is the tefillah that was
sorrow, our intent is not to communicate with established for all time as the one from which
Hashem, but rather to be granted salvation. we learn how to daven, and myriad halachos
The feelings during our tefillah are typically were determined from Chana’s conduct and
along the lines of, “Ribbono Shel Olam, I am deportment during this tefillah5.
concentrating during my tefillos; please pay
attention. And please grant my wishes. Am This is how Chana quantified her yearning:
6"'‫ואשפוך את נפשי לפני ה‬."

3. ‫שמות ב' כ"ג‬
4. '‫יונה ב' ח‬.
5. "‫ "כמה הלכתא גברוותא איכא למשמע מהא דחנה‬.‫ברכות לא‬.
6. '‫שמואל א' א‬

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 17

As mentioned above from the Chovos tefillos. Eliyahu HaNavi testifies
HaLevovos, the objective of tefillah is “‫כלות‬ that the core reason we find
‫”הנפש אל האלוקים והשלכת כל יהביה עליו‬. Rather ourselves in the situation where
than asking the Ribbono Shel Olam to put our
lives in order or to provide what we lack, our we long for children is Hakadosh
aspiration is to forge a closeness with Him and Baruch Hu’s desire for our tefillos.
to seek shelter in His arms, as a nursling in the
embrace of its mother. And there are, certainly, those who ask a
challenging question: Is it because Hashem
When a person davens during a time of wants our tefillos that he aggrieves us so?
temporary adversity that has befallen him,
it will be that much more difficult for him to In light of what we have spoken and what
concentrate on the connection that tefillah is essentially clear and straightforward, the
offers him with his Maker. Intently focused on
the hardship he has been dealt, his interest is question answers itself: Hakadosh Baruch
to find salvation as quickly as possible. Absent Hu seeks our connection with Him. We are
a firm resolve to strengthen himself, the
important to Him, and He is important to us in
opportunity to cultivate a deep bond with a measure that is many times over and above
Hashem will be lost as he attempts only to what our minds can fathom. This connection,
“convince” Hashem that his present distress this bond, is the reason that we were
is entirely uncalled for and should be removed. brought into this world, and its sweetness is
unparalleled.
The difficulty that we presently face, however,
does not pass within one day nor two. It is not Numerous people who were granted
temporary, but accompanies us for what may deliverance from our specific challenge have
be many long years. We, therefore, must raise articulated that there is one aspect of those
our tefillah to an entirely different level, a level unbearably painful years that they wish were
of intense closeness with Hakadosh Baruch still a part of their lives — the tefillos that they
Hu. It is incumbent upon us to create a deep so fervently offered during that time and the
connection, as deep as the depths of our souls,
so that the outpouring of our hearts finds resultant bond with Hakadosh Baruch Hu
the destination it craves; an address to share
painful experiences, to consult with, to have that was deep and continuous.
faith in, to find unconditional acceptance and
support for all our emotional needs. It is not constant cries of “Save us!” that
Hashem seeks. It is, rather, our tefillos uplifted
This is the true and only destination. to the level of a profoundly deep bond, on
par with "'‫ואשפוך את נפשי לפני ה‬." Though
The Importance of the Tefillos of Those the format of tefillah is to beg and beseech,
Yearning for Children the fulfillment of our wishes is not the end
goal. The overarching goal is the bond and
Although we are not permitted to boast, it is, connection to Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
nevertheless, permissible to remember that
Tefillah — the Goal in and of Itself
Hakadosh Baruch Hu especially loves our
The goal of tefillah is tefillah itself, without
consideration of its outcome. The source of this
concept can be attributed to Avrohom Avinu7,
who established tefillas Shacharis, derived by

7. As heard from HaRav Nissan Kaplan, shlita, in the name of his father, HaRav Naftali, shlita.

18 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

Chazal from the pasuk and receive His answers (and indeed, as the
‫"וישכם אברהם בבקר אל המקום אשר עמד שם את‬ Chinuch writes10, one of the purposes of
'‫פני ה‬."8 In every instance of the Torah teaching tefillah is that we merit Hashem’s bounty of
us, the context and placement of the lesson goodness and of bracha), yet this is not the
is not incidental, but rather an integral part of essence nor purpose of this mitzvah.
the lesson itself. Pondering the timing of this
specific Shacharis will reveal an astounding Tefillah itself, the pouring out of our souls and
thought. the act of standing before The King — these,
too, are the purpose of tefillah. And when we
The morning of that very first Shacharis was are mispallel but our tefillos do not yield the
the day following the destruction of Sodom. desired answer, our tefillos are not in vain.
Just one day earlier, Avrohom Avinu strove
mightily and persistently with lengthy tefillos In the Absence of Tefillah, Man is Lost
to prevent the destruction of Sodom and its
environs. As Rashi states9, Avrohom Avinu Before concluding our thoughts on tefillah,
approached the Ribbono Shel Olam "‫לדבר קשות‬ it behooves us to note an additional thought
‫ולפיוס ולתפילה‬," yet when he awakened the regarding the chesed and benefit of this
following morning, he was witness to ".‫הנה עלה‬ mitzvah and of the mitzvos of emunah and
bitachon.
‫"קיטור הארץ כקיטור הכבשן‬
The mitzvos of tefillah, emunah and bitachon
All of his tefillos, for naught. are mitzvos of great importance. It is clear to
each of us grappling with difficulty that by
The land spewed smoke like that of a furnace; fulfilling these mitzvos as they should be and
the cities were obliterated under a rain of fire binding them firmly to our hearts, we gain
and sulphur. Nothing remained. Nothing. Not a more than we invest. The resulting chizuk
tree, nor a small plant for medicinal purposes. empowers us with nothing less than spiritual
His tefillos were not accepted, his efforts did power.
not bear fruit. His disappointment, we can
surmise, was immense. A nonbeliever experiencing sorrow or
misfortune is often at a loss, lacking a viable
At that very moment, Avrohom Avinu stands coping mechanism to withstand his “bad
before Hashem and continues to be mispallel luck” or “fate.” Troubling thoughts of, “Why
— and it is this tefillah that the Torah teaches me?” and “Why is this happening specifically
us was the basis and source for tefillas to me?” are difficult to bear. Looking ahead,
Shacharis! he sees only hardship and despair, with no
hope of freedom from the tangled web of his
It is eminently possible that the Torah is misfortune. Often, there is no one to extract
coming to teach us here that although the him from his dire circumstance, and worse yet,
format of tefillah is that of bakasha and no one with whom to share his burden.
tachanunim, and notwithstanding that tefillah
is a personal vehicle through which we have What a life of hardship and frustration.
the ability to ask of the Ribbono Shel Olam

8. ‫בראשית י"ט כ"ז‬
9. ‫ י"ח כ"ג‬,‫שם‬
10. ‫מצוה תל"ג‬

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 19

There is no man who does not experience is to converse with the Borei
times of difficulty, days or hours during which Olam and to forge a personal
his life seems destroyed. When life is lived connection with Him, it does indeed
with the feeling that “I am alone and there is give us precisely this ability and this
no one to help me,” then anytime when “I” am connection. Aside from the mitzvah
unable to help myself, all is lost. incumbent on us to be mispallel and aside
from its power to promote our requests before
In contrast, a person who lives with emunah Him, the opportunity to share our burden with
and bitachon knows without a doubt that all the Ribbono Shel Olam and articulate before
that happens in the world happens with a him our distress, is… priceless.
reason and is part of Hashem’s Master Plan.
The random “wheel of fortune” simply does A person in distress who is mispallel
not exist. When something in his life seems Shemoneh Esrei with a broken heart can, by
to go awry or when faced with a difficulty, the time the tefillah is concluded, already
such a person knows with certainty that there feel a lightness of spirit. It is clear that the
is a reason behind it. Although the reason outpouring of words itself brings relief. This
thought is most assuredly included in the
is not known, the very knowledge of its meaning of 12".‫ "דאגה בלב איש ישיחנה‬Moreover,
existence affords reassurance and stability tefillah gives us emunah, hope for good
throughout turbulent times, enabling him things, and the wherewithal to go forward and
weather the ebb and flow of life.
to take one step followed by another, feet
planted firmly on the ground. During difficult times, the contrast between
someone who sincerely lives a life of emunah,
A life of emunah and bitachon is a life of bitachon and tefillah and someone who merely
greater meaning, infused with greater stability, does so by rote, is incomparable. The former
greater inspiration, and greater serenity. All of will take flight and soar, while the latter will
this over and above a life of greater truth that wither and fall. The former will forge a close
the fulfilment of these mitzvos brings. relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, the
latter, sadly, will not. Daily stresses may even
The Chovos HaLevavos, in its introduction to lead to forgetting the obligations of these
Shaar HaBitachon, enumerates the myriad mitzvos.
daily benefits bitachon brings to a bote’ach. A
baal bitachon experiences menuchas hanefesh Admittedly, even a person living a life suffused
from the worries of the world, lives a life of with emunah may find himself weakened by
tranquility, in security and serenity. As the daily pressures and responsibilities. Even he
pasuk in Yirmiyahu says11, ".‫ברוך הגבר אשר יבטח‬ must constantly renew and reinvigorate his
‫ "בה' והי' ה' מבטחו‬Why is this person blessed? connection with the Borei Olam, especially
Not only because of the ultimate reward for his during challenging times. And more than
bitachon. More than that, as a direct result of that, internalize the eternal truth that there is
his bitachon. Someone carrying him, always, with strength
and with love, firmly upon his shoulders.
Likewise the mitzvah of tefillah. When we
are mispallel with concentration and we view
tefillah as the incomparable opportunity it

11. "‫י"ז ז‬ Excerpted from
12. ‫משלי י"ב כ"ה‬

20 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

When you order
hashgacha, we will
register you for a gourmet
meal delivered to your
home post-retrieval.
It’s our way of saying,
“We care!”
Because we really do.

‫לע“נ ר‘ ישעי בן ר‘ משה זי“ע מקערעסטיר‬
Available in many areas.

| CHIZUK • BY: S.G

Tears
Thank You, Hashem,
For a special gift,
To help me cope,
To encourage and uplift.
To soothe and ease,
To let go of fears,
The pain, release,
The gift of tears.
When I can’t anymore,
It’s too much to bear,
I welcome the tears,
And my burden I share.
I feel You so close,
In a loving embrace,
As the hot tears,
Roll down my face.
I let it all out,
My frustration and despair,
I direct it to You,
For I know you are here.
Listening to me,
Feeling along,
It gives me comfort,
It makes me strong.
And when I feel ready,
I wipe the tears away,
I've got the courage,
To face another day.
To smile and be happy,
And yes, it is real,
Because I’ve allowed myself,
To truly feel.

TEARS ARE WORDS THE HEART CAN'T EXPRESS

22 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

| CHIZUK • BY: F. MOZES

I was taking a stroll Hidden from view,
On one fine spring day, He's making it go,
When I saw a toy truck Up, down, around
Going this and that way. First fast and then slow.
It went back and forth In our lives
And circled around. We find all the time,
Drove up a small ramp Things happening
And down a dirt mound. Without reason or rhyme.
Lunged forward then back Who is making it happen
And jumped through a ring. And pulling the strings?
What's making it drive It's none other than He
Without crashing into things? Who’s behind everything.
Then all of a sudden Although things may happen
I saw a young boy, Seemingly on their own,
Who has the control It's all under the control
For that wondrous toy. Of the Heavenly Throne.

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 23

| CHIZUK

Just
Waiting

BY: LIBBY LAZEWNIK

Sitting in front of my computer the other day, It is tempting to think of waiting as the white spaces
I found myself staring mesmerized at the in a colorful picture: mere fillers in the greater
little blue circle going round and round on the scheme of things. The weeks or months leading up

screen. "Wait," that spinning circle was telling me, to a wedding... the seemingly endless wait for our

"I'm working on it". Redemption. The interval we spend waiting for things

Such a large chunk of our time is spent in waiting can seem like wasted time. Nothing is "happening"

mode. Waiting in line. Waiting for our next meal. except for a passive looking forward to the main

Waiting for the bell to ring. Clearly, there event. A lot of white space deservedly
thrust into the background as we
Waiting for our bashert to arrive, is more to this anticipate whatever it is we're waiting
waiting for a pay raise, waiting for.
for the next coffee break. Waiting business of
for Shabbos. Waiting for summer waiting than But that attitude would be wrong. If
vacation. Waiting, waiting, waiting for Hashem has urged us to choose life,

our dreams to come true. meets the eye and He has let us know in no uncertain
terms that every second of life is

Even people with exciting and precious, does it make sense that He

sometimes fast-paced jobs spend an would set up a system in which so

awful lot of time waiting for the action to start. A much of our precious time is "wasted"? That would

couple of examples that spring to mind are police be like letting us spill our lifeblood to no purpose.

officers on a stake-out or soldiers preparing for

battle. The adrenalin-fueled lives that we imagine Clearly, there is more to this business of waiting than

they lead are often heavily weighted toward the meets the eye.

waiting side of things. I've heard this described as

"moments of exhilarating action interspersed with ••

days of stultifying boredom."

24 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 25

It seems to me that the waiting period in we've been forced to spend in galus are so

advance of a new stage of life is far from much more than mere "dead" time in our

being mere "filler" material. Hashem has set people's long and winding history.

things up so that we are given ample time to

prepare ourselves, physically, spiritually Hashem, in His wisdom and compassion,

and emotionally, for what's coming down has given us ample time to ready

the pike. In His mercy, He does not throw ourselves for the stunning epoch of

us into an important new role without the Melech HaMoshiach. This waiting period,

requisite time to learn and understand our however difficult, can and should be

responsibilities in it. used to purify ourselves as a nation,

and to prepare for the new roles and

And then there is the reverse situation. responsibilities that the Geulah will bring.

Too often, the things we wait for are the

tafel, the trivial, rather than the ikkar, the Tanach abounds with illustrations of the

thing that's paramount. The schoolchild power of waiting. We can find the first

who ignores the lesson taking place in one in the very first story in Bereishis.

the classroom while waiting for the bell Hashem created Adam, the first man, on

to ring for recess is clearly missing out the sixth day of Creation, just hours before

on something of value. The bell will ring the onset of the very first Shabbos. As

whether he pays attention to his teacher we know, Adam was instructed to refrain

or not; how much wiser to use the time from eating of a certain tree in Gan Eden.

he's forced to spend sitting at his desk, Had he managed to wait the few hours

instead of frittering it uselessly away. until Shabbos began, Chazal tell us, the

The same, of course, tree would have been

can be said of a grown- rendered permissible and

up who ignores today's Esther waited. eternal life for humanity
possibilities as he waits launched. In other words,

for tomorrow's vacation. And, in doing the End of Days would
so, she created have arrived, right there at
We can use waiting the start.
times, and we can use a space for
them well. Think of the But Adam didn't wait.

talmid chscham mentally necessary And because of that, the
reviewing Mishnayos things to world as we know it is so
while waiting in line, happen. A space tragically different from
or the yeshivah bachur what it might have been.
riding a bus with a pocket

Gemara open in front of for Hashem's Much later in our history,
him. The teacher working hidden hand to Shmuel Hanavi instructed
out his lesson plan while Shaul, the king, to wait for
driving, or the writer operate." him before making certain
spinning her plots while sacrifices to Hashem.

washing the dishes. Even Shaul tried to wait. But

an enforced quarantine can be pressed the people were getting restless, and

into constructive service, as our world has Shaul wanted to please the people. So

unfortunately had a chance to discover he began sacrificing the korbanos before

recently. Shmuel appeared.

On a national scale, the millennia that On his arrival, Shmuel castigated the king

26 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

for not heeding the word of Hashem to wait for pang of insecurity over her interest in Haman. Over

the navi to join him. While this was not the end of the course of the next 24 hours, events unfold in

Shaul's kingship, it was a Shushan that lead directly to

contributing factor in the Haman's well-deserved end

eventual demise of his Here were two great and the Jews' jubilant reprieve
rule and the installation from destruction.

of Dovid and his line in his men who reaped bitter Esther waited. And, in doing
place. Shaul didn't wait, fruit through their so, she created a space for
and not long afterward he necessary things to happen.
experienced a loss that failure to hunker down A space for Hashem's hidden
was as staggering as it was

eternal. and wait it out. Is it hand to operate.

Here were two great men any surprise that we, Perhaps the same can be said
who reaped bitter fruit floundering in the for each of us, in our individual
through their failure to lives. When our computer

hunker down and wait it darkness of such a screens exhibit those spinning
out. Both of them were terribly long exile, are blue circles, they are telling
acting on orders from often clueless about us, "Just wait. I'm working on
on High, and still they it." When Hakadosh Baruch
stumbled. Is it any surprise Hu imposes His waits on us, as

that we, floundering in the importance of individuals and as a nation, we
the darkness of such a waiting for just the know that He, too, is "working"
terribly long exile, are on things behind the scenes.
often clueless about the right moment?
importance of waiting for Chazal tell us that Hashem

just the right moment? spends a great deal of time

(whatever that means in

The person we can learn that vital lesson from is the Almighty's terms) making shidduchim. He also

Esther. When Esther, after fasting and praying for holds the keys to childbirth and parnassah. As we

three days along with her entire nation, approaches yearn for our personal salvations, the wait can

the king to plead for her people, she is handed a seem interminable. To our blind eyes, it appears as if

perfect cue. "What do you want of me, Esther?" nothing is happening. We're "just waiting."

asks Achashveirosh. "I will give you up to half my

kingdom!" All along, however, events are unfolding in

accordance with a well-thought-out program for

Most of us, I venture to say, would have leaped at the humanity as a whole, and for the Jewish people

opportunity to make our case. Not Esther. Instead, specifically. There is a marvelous plan being carefully

she pushes things off for another day. constructed for us, hovering just out of sight.

"Come to a second party tomorrow," she invites If we want to see it for ourselves one day, we can. All
the king and his wicked sidekick. In doing so, she we have to do is wait.
accomplishes many important things. Her request
aroused the curiosity of Achashveirosh, as well as a Reprinted from Yated Ne’eman

THE WORST PART OF LIFE IS WAITING.
THE BEST PART OF LIFE IS HAVING SOMETHING WORTH WAITING FOR...

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 27

| CHIZUK

FCRhiOzMuk

THE
CRISIS

By: Dina

28 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

WHAT ARE WE MEANT TO LEARN
FROM THE CORONAVIRUS?

This article was written l’ilu nishmas my mother,
Basha Leah bas Yitzchak Ber.

Is the lesson we are supposed to learn from the coronavirus simply
to remember Hashem? The essence of bitachon is to remember that

Hashem surrounds us — He’s everywhere!

How can we achieve that level of bitachon?

First we must remember that lines of communication with Him are
opened through tefillah done with real simcha. Eretz Yisroel, in itself,
is also a reminder of Hashem’s presence. Let’s also learn about how

ahavas Yisroel and how letting go of guilt can bring us to the long-
awaited Geulah.

Hishtadlus and Bitachon feelings or that those feelings are wrong. It
means that we should use these feelings to
Hishtadlus means effort — effort on both a look inwards and talk to Hashem. It means
physical and spiritual plane. saying: “Hashem, I trust You, I believe in You,
and right now I’m anxious even though I have
Bitachon is putting yourself completely in bitachon, so I’m going to turn my thoughts
Hashem’s hands and knowing that everything toward You”.
that happens is for the good. How do these
two ideas work together? If we are meant One of the six constant mitzvos is the concept
to be placing ourselves entirely in Hashem’s of being aware of Hashem every moment of
hands then why is hishtadlus necessary? every day. By crying out to Hashem constantly,
we are fulfilling that mitzvah.
Doing hishtadlus does not mean we don’t
have bitachon. Yes, it’s a fine line, but my Tefillah
understanding of bitachon, based on Rav
Pincus, zt”l and the Chovos Halevavos, is that This leads to the next lesson gleaned from
while we should be putting in effort, we should this time period: tefillah — how to fulfill this
not be disappointed if that effort doesn’t mitzvah properly even without a minyan and
bring about the desired result. That's where without a shul. A tefillah should consist of
bitachon comes in. We have to understand three parts: praise, gratitude and request.
that whatever happens is for the good, and it There are thirteen types of tefillos. While
is meant to be. this article won’t discuss all, or even most,
of them, I will bring a few concepts from Rav
Another concept in bitachon is knowing that Pincus’s book Gates of Tefillah.
Hashem will save us, He will protect us,
and whatever happens is for the good. Even Rav Pincus writes that we must approach our
though we don’t always see the outcome tefillah and the King of the World with inner
that way, we have to understand that it is simcha — a feeling of pure internal joy that
ultimately for our good. This doesn’t mean comes when we know that we have the King’s
that we can’t or shouldn’t experience any hard undivided attention, and He is willing and able

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 29

to help. Does this mean we cannot be sad, or that were battles and a lot of effort. Yet, when we came

we should not cry out? On the contrary, we should together and accepted the Torah at Har Sinai, we

be doing all those things. In fact, it says in Shemos knew at that moment that we could make it in Eretz

that Hashem heard the cries and the groaning of Yisroel.

the Jewish people, so he took them out of Egypt.

What it means is that we must utilize all these Eretz Yisroel
types of tefillos together. We must have that pure

joy when we approach the King, for only with that Many of us are zoche to live in Eretz Yisroel. Even
pure joy will we be able to connect to our praise and today, we see that Eretz Yisroel has a special siyata
gratitude, which we are expressing as we make our d’Shmya. The real reason for that is that we are
requests of Him. the spiritual nexus of the world — we are closer

Another example of tefillah can be a pasuk to Hashem here than outside of the Holy Land.

murmured during our day or a pasuk adopted as Eretz Yisroel doesn't come easy. When they say it’s

a mantra to keep us going. When we reach out on acquired through hardships, there’s a reason for it.

a regular basis, especially when our emotions are But many of those hardships can be on the physical

level, and, when we take a deep
live, and turn to Hashem, we “HASHEM, I TRUST breath, we can see how much
are bringing Him into our life. YOU, I BELIEVE more we can acquire on the
What we are doing is saying spiritual plane here. And yet,

to Hashem, “I’m mortal. I IN YOU, AND when they talk about hardships,
don’t understand everything RIGHT NOW I’M as much as we would like to
that is happening — and it’s ANXIOUS, EVEN think that they are physical, we
frightening/emotional/sad/ know that they can be spiritual
happy, etc. And even though too. Just like we can reach the

my feelings are overwhelming, THOUGH I HAVE highest level here, we can also
I’m turning to You because BITACHON, SO I’M sink to the lowest when we are
I’m a believing Jew. I want to unable to connect. Losing our

share this moment with You.” GOING TO TURN sensitivity for chillul Hashem or
MY THOUGHTS forgetting the meaning of sinas
The cheit ha’eigel came TOWARD YOU.” chinam, could be examples of
about because of a lack of spiritual hardships that emerge
bitachon and emunah. The when we are surrounded by

Jewish people weren’t trying Jews of similar Hashkafa.

to replace Hashem, just His

intermediary. Had they directed their worries We all have heard the idea that only when we
and questions to Hashem, they wouldn’t have correct the mistake of sinas chinam will the Geulah
committed the cheit ha’eigel. This shows us that it’s come. So what is the antidote to sinas chinam?
okay to have questions or to be anxious. It’s what Ahavas Yisroel. This is an area that many of the
we do with those questions and feelings that can Gedolim have come out and said that we need to
create an issue. When we get frustrated, scared focus on. During this trying time period, we have
or anxious with those around us or a situation, seen so many small acts of kindness. Something
let us not cry out in vain — direct those feelings as simple as calling up someone who cannot leave
toward Hashem. Turning toward Hashem with our their house and offering them help with their
questions and thoughts makes all the difference. grocery shopping or calling up an elderly neighbor

What was the meaning of our forebears’ request to just to check in and say hi.

go back to Egypt? The Egyptian exile was torturous, The way to practice ahavas Yisroel is to focus on
but it was set in the abundance of a fertile and building people up. To look for the good things
rich land, whereas all that lay ahead in the desert people do, and to focus on those things instead of

30 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

the things that annoy us or hurt us. It is not enough choices have I made during this challenge? What
to stay away from speakin or listening to lashon have I changed? What distractions am I removing
hara, we must actively do little acts of kindness. It from my life? We must focus on remembering that
is those little acts of kindness that we go out of our Hashem is so good to us — He loves us. Distractions
way or comfort zone to do that will eventually bring are the guilt that we feel of not being good enough.
about the Geulah.
The worst thing to do with guilt is to allow it to
Geulah convince you to give up. The greatest sickness is
despair. We have to keep fighting, keep on going,
Women have the power to bring about Geulah. If we get back up even when we fall. According to the
look into the past, we see that it was in the merit Midrash Rabba in Shmuel, we should know that we
of the women that we were brought out of Egypt. are not evaluated based on outcomes, but on the
It was in Esther Hamalkah’s merit that we were process. The more we try, the more reward we get,
saved from Haman: She had the power and with even if we don’t succeed. As long as we try, we will
the help of Klal Yisroel’s tefillos and fasting, she get rewarded. We need to remember not to take
was able to use it. We see over and over again how life for granted. To change even one small thing,
powerful women can be. Yehudis, in the story of to work on even one area. We need to come out of
Chanukah, was brave enough to do what she had to quarantine with a different attitude. We need to
do to save future Jewish women. Rus embarrassed restart our lives - to change.
herself to be part of the Jewish nation, and because
of her willingness to give up her royalty, she was We, the women, are the ones who have brought
rewarded with becoming the mother of the future about the Geulah in the past: Miriam, Esther, Rus.
kings of Klal Yisroel. We have the greatness inside of us, we just need
to remember that. For all the great women, there
What can we do as women today? Remember that are many great men, and we all need to practice
each of us was created with our own challenges, building each other up.
our own mission in life. When we are crying, don’t
let those tears go to waste. Direct them to Hashem Conclusion
so that the cup of tears overflows and brings about
the Geulah. We need to stop beating ourselves up. In conclusion, we can learn from coronavirus all
Remember, every time we cook, clean, daven, or about bitachon, even in hard times. Even when
run out the door to work, that every bit of effort we things are frightening and everything is upside-
are putting in is worth something, if we just turn to down. We have to trust that Hashem will still take
Hashem and say, “I’m doing this for You,” “So my care of us, that this, too, is for the good. It’s about
husband can learn,” “So I can earn an honest living.” opening the lines of connection via tefillah, simcha,
In this way, we will know why that effort is worth and every little act of kindness that brings us closer
it. It’s because it brings out the connection between to the Geulah. Every time we build someone up
us and our Maker, our King. instead of putting them down and every time we
stop and think before we speak, we are bringing
Keep Going the Geulah one step closer. In the end, when we are
released from our quarantine, we will bring about
The mitzvah of remembering Yetzias Mitzrayim the Geulah by coming as one nation to accept the
is remembering that Hashem still loved us, even Torah and Hashem together once again.
though we were at the 49th level of tumah. Hashem
still loves us, no matter what we have done. In Ideas were collected from many different shiurim
our generation, the Yetzer Hara knows exactly given by my teachers, including but not limited to:
how to get to us. He makes us doubt that Hashem Mrs. Karp, Rabbi Horn, Rabbi YY Jacobson, Rabbi
loves us and that he will take us out of this galus. Tatz, Rabbi Shoshan. A big thanks to my husband
The greatest gift we need to give ourselves is to Yosef for editing and proofreading my work for me.
remember that Hashem loves us! Ask yoursef this:
What have I taken out of this nisayon? What life

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 31

| CHIZUK • BY: TZIPPI C. LIYESHUA

Before the very first moment in time The rains and frost have been harsh, My dear child
You were in My thoughts, My dear child And although I choose not to explain
As the story of your soul would begin to unfold Please know I've counted every tear
I'd hold your hand tightly all the while Not one has been in vain

In My garden I planted you I'm with you, by your side
With tender love and care Every second of every day
To become a perfect flower I beam with joy and pride
So that the earth would not be bare Each time you find the strength to pray

Since that time, I've watched you Every sigh, every cry; every prayer you've sent on high
Cheering you on from on high Trust that not one has returned empty
I've seen every struggle, every fall I promise you, My dear child
Each time you wished to laugh, not cry In some yet unseen realm, the results are plenty

For so long you have waited For I see the entire garden, the entire picture
For so long you have longed Don't you know?
I know every thought, every yearning I wouldn't cause you such pain
Every time you ached to belong If it were not that you would grow

32 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

Trust in Me at all times Although you cannot see Me
I beg of you, My dear child Please know I am there
For I love My garden way too much Peering through the cracks in the Wall
To let it grow untamed and wild If only you would know just how much I care

You can't see it now, but slowly, yet surely So hold on tight, My dear child
The broken seed in the ground begins to sprout Soon the time will come
As you find your way through the darkness I will have finished tending My garden
Through every nagging doubt And its flowers will reunite in Yerushalayim
to serve Me as one
Your flower will in full color yet bloom
Just wait patiently and see
For I see what you can become
What in the end, you will be

KEEP GOING; BECAUSE YOU DID NOT COME THIS FAR JUST TO COME THIS FAR

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 33

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: ANONYMOUS

Validation From Chana

It happened recently when my husband and I were head," "People don't behave this way intentionally,"

shopping at the supermarket. Two women with or "You're reading into what people are saying."

shopping carts and a brood of kids were blocking the These comments really upset me. I didn't conjure up

aisle, completely oblivious to the fact that we wanted these feelings from out of the blue. They stem from

to pass by; we had to walk through their mini party somewhere.

while they carried on. My husband, who is known to

blur most things out of his mind, commented to me After much pondering, I came to the realization that

about how unaware they were to their surroundings. all these feelings of pain and hurt related to my

I answered, "Of course they didn't notice us. We infertile status are, in fact, validated and that no one

weren’t sporting a stroller." can make me feel otherwise. For if these feelings

This is how I feel in general were only in my head, it wouldn’t be
these days; I feel like I’m living recounted in Tanach. As we come to
a life of being invisible and
ignored. I don’t belong because There is Rosh Hashanah, this message is ever
I don’t push a stroller and can’t so clear and these sentiments are
join any conversations about
the woes and joys of parenting. nothing mirrored in the well-known haftorah
It seems to me that being of the first day of Rosh Hashanah.
childless gives people — even wrong The haftorah recounts the story of
family members — the sense Chana and Penina. It describes the
to ignore me as I have nothing with emotional pain Chana endured from
worthwhile to contribute to the Penina. Penina constantly provoked
conversation. When lucky, they feeling Chana for not having children while
might acknowledge me fleetingly she tended to her own large family.
and then proceed to ignore my hurt, The haftorah mentions how Chana
presence. responded to these hurt feelings;

On top of this exclusion are the misunderstood she cried and refused to eat. Even
Elkanah, her husband, couldn’t
or insulted. understand the pain she was going
through.

bothersome comments I get. My

pet peeve is when people tell me how I should be I wish I would have an answer to give on how to

living my life differently and what I'm doing wrong. handle insensitive behavior and comments. I wish

And then are those who have the audacity to say that I can give advice on how to prevent or circumvent

they understand the pain my husband and I are going this hurt. But although I can't do so, there’s one thing

through, even though they have never personally I can tell you: Your feelings are legitimate. There is

experienced infertility. nothing wrong with feeling hurt, misunderstood or

insulted. No one can tell you that your feelings are

What I find the hardest yet is when people wrong. The fact that Chana's pain and her reaction to

defend this callous or downright hurtful behavior. it is described proves that all the pain we experience

Sometimes, they even shift the blame onto me. is legitimate and acceptable.

They say things like, "These feelings are just in your

34 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

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TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 35

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: AVIGAIL SCHWARTZ

Rosh Hashana, Sukkos,
Was supposed to be different. Was supposed to be different.
I was going to spend the days, I didn’t buy new clothes,
Mostly in shul. In advance,
I’d be davening intensely, Like I usually do.
For the secret tiny miracle, Cuz I thought this year,
Inside of me. They soon wouldn't fit.
I planned simple menus, Our precious sukkah,
And only a few guests, Was to be filled,
Cuz I’d been pretty tired. With such joy,
It was going to be beautiful. And anticipation.
A truly happy Yom Tov,
And instead,
I spend Rosh Hashana mostly in bed, A Zman Simchaseinu.
Away from prying eyes.
And a bit of time spent in shul, And instead,
Begging Hashem to make this year We pretend to be happy,
Better. While we get over our loss.
The rest of the long days, Our plans, our hopes, our dreams,
I spend cringing in pain, Smashed,
Both physical and emotional. Into a million smithereens. still
As the last vestiges, But,
Of my long-awaited baby, It’s Zman Simchaseinu.
Are pushed out of my body. And Hashem knows we can handle this,
My husband says, So we try.
My body is just healing, And… we kind of succeed.
Making space for a new miracle.
A new beginning. Chanukah,
But I thought it would be different. Was supposed to be different.

36 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

I was gonna be in maternity already, When Hashem finally blessed me,
My sixth month! He’d never take it away.
My youngest sister-in-law, I never even contemplated,
Due right after Chanukah, The idea,
Wouldn’t even ask us to be kvatter! That after so long,
He’d only give me joy,
The parties… For three months.
All those awkward moments, I never imagined,
And pitying nods, What it was like,
Or curious glances, To love so fiercely,
At my stomach, A tiny blob,
Would be over. On a screen,
I’d fit in. With a heartbeat.
Somewhat, Until,
That heartbeat stopped.
Finally. And my world,
Crashed.
But no. We can't ask,
Instead,
I’ll brave it again. "Why?"
I’ve done this before,
I can do it again. But I did.
No one around me knows, I always said,
About my tiny miracle, I don’t expect,
That once grew inside me. Anything.
After such long years. But oh!
They don’t know, I did.
And I don’t tell them. And now,
I just pray, I have learned,
That this Chanukah light, Instead,
Brings light to us, too,
That lasts, That I don’t really know,
Forever.
How my life is “supposed” to be.
I think,
My life, Only Hashem knows that.
Is supposed to be different.
I thought, To Him I turn.

And He will show me.

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 37

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN

Year in
Review

A Couple
of Minutes
With a Few
IF Couples

A year is not only
12 months. It is 365
individual days that are
full of many hundreds
of individual moments
including moments of
highs and lows, hope and
despair, growth and loss.
We interviewed a few
IF couples about their
experiences over the last
year; the trying times they
endured, the Heaven-sent
messages they received,
and the personal growth
they have achieved. The
following is a collection of
their responses.

38 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

MON
SHI
A
AKI
HELLE
What was your hardest day this
year?

SAR The hardest day was when I found VA
out that my siblings who got married

after me were buying houses because

they no longer fit into their apartments. Or maybe it

was the day that yet another IVF cycle failed? Per- What was your hardest day

haps it was the day I was told I would miscarry my this year?
My hardest day this year was
precious baby for whom I’d yearned so long? RAC

Can you share about a time you felt you received a hard for several reasons. Firstly, I
hug from Hashem?
had failed a cycle and for some
We were on the way back from the hospital after an
appointment. I was feeling awfully sorry for myself reason menstruation was super heavy and painful;
and wondering why things had to be this way. My
husband turned on the radio for some distraction and it felt like a miscarriage. Additionally, it was the day
the song that was playing had the same tune as the
song "I Accept" that we learned at the A TIME shabba- my younger sister came home from the hospital after
ton! “I Accept” talks about accepting life’s challenges
because Hashem gave them to us and they are the giving birth. Although I had already met the baby,
best for us. Hashem had given me an answer to my
question and I felt His love and pride in His daughter it was hard for me to be at my parents’ and see the
for accepting her unique challenge.
excitement around the new and oldest grandchild.

What is an area in which you feel you really grew this Then, we went to visit my husband’s grandparents
past year? who live out of town. I was looking forward to a nice
outing — and it was nice — until Zeidy's daughter
I feel that this year I was more at peace with my situa- suggested that he give us a bracha. First he gave us
tion. I was able to joke around about it. a bracha for a good parnassah and shalom bayis, but
then this aunt went to Bubby and explained that she
What is a new experience that you had this year? meant a bracha for children. Even though part of the
conversation was in Hungarian, we all knew what
I started working only half a day instead of the full 9 she was saying. Bubby gave us a beautiful bracha,
to 5 at my high pressure job. It was a really deep way which would have been okay except for the audience
of taking care of myself. I found it to be a lifesaver! assembled, who was becoming more uncomfortable
by the minute. Then Zeidy added on his own brachos
to conclude the ceremony.

Last year this time, I would not believe it if someone I came home exhausted, embarrassed and furious.
would tell me that I would.... We bought takeout because I wasn't up to cooking
that night, but most of the food stayed in the contain-
Be able to accept one of those days when nothing ers. Apparently, I wasn't up to eating either.
works out. I used to feel angry at Hashem when even
the little things wouldn’t work out. But when it hap- Can you share about a time you felt you received a
pened recently, I felt at peace — it was so perfectly hug from Hashem?
planned that it was obvious it was from Hashem. If
someone would have told me that I would feel like Before Pesach this year I found out I was going to
that a year ago I would have laughed in their face! miscarry. The pregnancy wasn't meant to be; all the
ultrasound showed was an empty sac. I was very
worried about miscarrying on Pesach. Although I
knew the miscarriage was early and shouldn't be

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 39

very hard, I was nervous for it to happen ALIAH
when I was at my mother, mother-in-law, GED
or grandmother for a meal. I hadn’t planned SI
to make Pesach at home and it was too late BAS
to start preparing when I was told about What was your hardest day this
the miscarriage. My miscarriage started
Isru Chag. I couldn't have gotten a better year?
Pesach gift from Hashem.
Coming out of shul on Rosh Hashanah and
What is an area in which you feel you real- bumping into a crowd of mothers with strollers waiting
ly grew this past year? with their kids to hear the shofar.

Although there wasn't nearly as much per- Can you share about a time you felt you received a hug
sonal growth as I would have liked, I think from Hashem?
I handle negative news much better than I
did a year ago. Is it possible I just got used Hashem worked out our cycles to fit perfectly around the
to it? time when we wanted to fly abroad for a family simcha.

What is a new experience that you had this What is an area in which you feel you really grew this
year? past year?

I had a hysteroscopy done and my hus- Bitachon. It’s work and it takes conscious input, but Hash-
band wasn't allowed in due to COVID-19 em grants it when we try.
regulations. Not before, not after, and not
to escort me down to the car. I was only What is a new experience that you had this year?
made aware of this the night before and I
wasn't going to cancel the appointment for I took the plunge —I allowed myself to be an official “IFer”
this reason. However, I was frightened and and gave myself permission to attend an A TIME event!
lost. I needed his reassurance and support.
When I look back at it now it wasn't a big Last year this time, I would not believe it if someone
deal, but at the time it was hard for me would tell me that I would…

Last year this time, I would not believe it if Take on kabbalos in areas of tznius that I never thought I
someone would tell me that I would… could be more careful in.

That I would ever cycle again. We had
a hard year fertility-wise. We had three
miscarriages in fourteen months. While I
was in pain, I remember thinking to myself
that I couldn’t go through it again. I wasn’t
emotionally ready to try again — and to risk
another miscarriage.

But, baruch Hashem, life continued. I
occupied myself with things I enjoy and
although I did give myself a few weeks to
recuperate, I was actually desperate to
start again way before the official break
was over.

40 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

CHAIM When I did take care of myself, though, I felt like I was
NI connecting with my desire to have a baby. This was a
What was your hardest long, hard journey for me, but I’ve made tremendous
day this year? improvement in this area. I still have a long way to go,
but am happy to be up to this point.
CHA My hardest day this year was
when my youngest sister had her What is a new experience that you had this year?
first baby. It was a boy, which meant
there would be a shalom zachor, bris, AND pidyon This year was the first year I actually started cycling.
haben. I have been doing very intense therapy to get to this
point, but only started seeing fertility doctors this year.
The irony is that I’d known she was having a baby.
I’d known for six months and had even suspected it I was both scared and relieved to finally be cycling
for the three months prior; I thought I was emotion- since I have been on a hard journey for a long time.
ally prepared.
Last year this time, I would not believe it if someone
Still, nothing could have prepared me for the pain would tell me that I would…
I felt on the day that she had her baby. I think the
worst part was that I felt as if my whole family was There are so many things I could answer here. One
so awkward around me. But one thing I learned is is that I wouldn’t believe I’d love my new nephew
that nobody around me is feeling awkward. It is even if he is my little sister’s baby. Two is that I am
only me. And even if they are feeling awkward, it is so proud of my multiple successes in moving forward
their issue not mine. I haven't done anything wrong emotionally and I thank Hashem for bringing me here.
to feel awkward about. I would never choose this journey, but looking back I
can see how much I’ve grown. And thank A TIME for
Can you share about a time you felt you received a helping me through every step of it.
hug from Hashem?

I feel it every single day! Every day. When the sky is
blue. When the sun is shining. When my boss com-
pliments me. When my friend hugs me. When my
husband buys me a present. When my sister sends
me breakfast on a hard day. When I have a day off.
When I have a good therapy session. When my
mother understands me. When I enjoy my comfort-
able bed. When I have a clean apartment and love
the coziness. I feel it every single day of my life and
search for it all the time. I could sit here and talk
forever about how I feel Hashem’s hug every day!

What is an area in which you feel you really grew
this past year?

Well, part of my condition requires me to eat
healthy and take care of myself. Which is extreme-
ly hard for me — most of my eating is emotional
eating and on hard days it is so tempting to just raid
the cupboards.

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 41

SHMULI
Y
AVRWhat was your hardest day
HEVAthis year?
AHAM
RIVK The day there was no heartbeat on
the ultrasound, when the previous ELIS
day there had been one.
What was your hardest day this year?
Can you share about a time you felt you received a
hug from Hashem? Does right before last Rosh Hashanah count? If so,
then it was about a week before Rosh Hashana when
My husband and I were both very sick with the I found out that my 13-week-long pregnancy was
coronavirus around the time that I would have been over. That was a total nightmare that I do not wish on
due with that baby. I just kept imagining having a anyone.
baby while being so sick and not being able to have
any help because I was in quarantine and doing it If that doesn't count, it would be the two days I spent
all by myself. It gave me a little inkling that Hashem with my seminary girls on a trip to Eilat. It was about
knows best, even if it was extremely painful. two months after the miscarriage, and I got my first
post-miscarriage period the day before we went.
Also, the way He sent me my most wonderful A
TIME friends who always support me, make me At that point after the miscarriage, I was having crazy
smile, and are always there for me. Without them, insomnia and had slept only 45 minutes the night
I would be totally lost. before we left. I was exhausted physically and even
more so, emotionally. I was so very uninterested in
What is an area in which you feel you really grew traveling four hours away from home for two days.
this past year?
The tour guide and other staff members who accom-
I feel like I became more sensitive to other people panied us were complaining the entire time because
and less sensitive when it comes to other people’s they were both pregnant and were having a hard time
comments. with the hikes. I was a total wreck but had to hold
myself together and keep sane and keep track of 75
Also, I know this is my journey now and it's up to hyper seminary girls... It was horrific.
me to make it a happy time.
But... Hashem really takes care of me!
What is a new experience you had this year?
At night, I totally lost it and cried myself to sleep,
The A TIME Shabbaton — I’d heard so much about after which I had to wake up at 4:30 a.m. for a sunrise
it and was so looking forward to it. Baruch Hash- hike. Later that morning, I called my travel agent, and
em, it was a true success and I enjoyed every somehow — Hashem must have decided that I need-
minute of it. ed to open up because this is so not my type — I told

Last year this time, I would not believe it if some-
one would tell me that I would…

Not have a baby yet.
I thought I'll for sure have a baby or at least be in
maternity by this year Rosh Hashana. It's hard to
believe that it's here again and I'm still in the same
cycle-fail-cycle-again pattern. Yet I will go to shul
and brave a smile and daven that next year we
should all be busy taking care of our little one at
home.

42 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

her my story. She was quiet for a moment and then Last year this time, I would not believe it if someone
told me that she herself had gone through the same would tell me that I would....
thing! She convinced me that I needed to rest more
than I needed to go on the next hike, and even called Move on with life after the miscarriage. I was so
the tour guide to take the girls without me. I went down.. I was literally depressed. I thought I was going
to sleep for two hours and woke up a new person. It to need medication. But Hashem pulled me out of my
was an amazing Divinely orchestrated scenario! sadness, and I'm back to my wacky old self, hopefully
a bit new and improved.
Can you share about a time you felt you received a
hug from Hashem: Another thing: I would never have believed that I'd
quit the job I had for years and find another one
Every day! We paid our rent, bought our food, paid with more growth potential. IF really teaches you
our bills somehow... strengths you never knew you had!

Okay, so the story about my Eilat trip definitely * All names have been changed.
counts.

Another one: when I called the A TIME helpline. The
person who answered the phone was the perfect
person to speak to. She was a huge gift from Hashem
who has helped me immensely both medically and
otherwise.

And a third: All three of my younger siblings-in-law
live super close by. They all had babies this year —
and we missed the birth celebrations and brissim of
two of them because we were abroad!

What is an area in which you feel you really grew
this past year?

I think we really learned to get used to the way
things are... not to get so overwhelmed by our cir-
cumstances. We don’t like them, but we’re managing.

We’ve also chosen to let go — to give up on being
as perfect and productive as we used to be. We are
dealing with too much and we’re so emotionally
drained. We know Hashem loves us anyway.

What is a new experience that you had this year?

Two weeks in quarantine with my husband. I loved it!!
Regards to the social butterfly I used to be.

And... we went to the A TIME UK Shabbaton! We’ve
never done that before, but now I don't know why we
didn't.

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 43

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: M. WEISS

MMCEDDOSNAATLDS

This summer I went through my first with a car and unlimited freedom until
cycle of IVF. If someone would ask me Wednesday morning's monitoring appoint-
what my most memorable moment ment. Yay! Road trip, here we come! After
was, I'd say, “the meds at McDonald’s.” I think some brainstorming and help from Google, we
that was the single funniest, saddest, and booked a hotel room for the night in Brecon
most bizarre moment that encapsulated what Beacons, Wales.
my IVF summer was all about.
The fact that my IVF cycle coincided with We had a full schedule of activities booked for
the three weeks of my summer holiday was Tuesday. We planned to drive back on Tues-
somewhat practical, but at the same time, it day evening to be home for my Wednesday
was a tad annoying. It meant we wouldn't be morning appointment at the clinic. All we had
able to go away on a proper vacation. So to to do now was pack. Clothing — not much.
make the most of the situation, we rented a Meds — lots. Noodle soups — done.
car with plans to do mini road trips around the
UK. We headed out to the highway with the music
blasting at volume 100. I felt great. This sum-
Monday morning — the day summer holiday mer didn't have to be so bad after all. Then
began — was day 7 of stimulation. With my my phone rang.
scan and blood work done, we were armed

44 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

The clinic was calling to update me on my Suddenly, I got this weird feeling as if some-
medication doses and to schedule my next one was watching me, so I looked up, and
appointment for tomorrow morning. Tomorrow realized that there was a black guy sitting in
morning! Oh. They said that things weren't go- his car right opposite me, the cars literally
ing so well, bla, bla, bla, they need me to come nose to nose, and he was looking at me with
in for daily check ups, bla, bla, bla. this weird, piercing look.

We pulled over and sat I unpack all my And it hit me like
in shock. Our much-an- a ton of bricks. He

ticipated hotel stay and vials, powder, thought we were
well-planned day of doing drugs. Well,

activities went down the liquid, big needle, technically I was
drain. What now? First little needle. doing drugs... just
things first, we numbly not those kind of
called to cancel our hotel alcohol pads, the drugs… By the looks
reservation and the next he was shooting
day's activities. What at us, it seemed as
a letdown. I don't know though he was ready

why it hit me so badly, works.... I lay it to call the police,
but I just burst into tears. so I jumped to the

Finally, I calmed down a all out neatly on back, gave myself
bit and told my husband the injections as fast

that since we're in the car as I possibly could
in the backseat of
the windshield ofalready, we had to drive.
I just felt like I needed to a tiny car and we
go somewhere; otherwise the car and start zoomed out of there

I was going to go crazy. in stitches.

mixing everything.So we decided to drive to
the beach for some alone I don't know why

time. this moment is so

memorable to me. Probably because it just

In all the excitement, I almost didn't notice summed up the journey so well: holidays, not

the time and suddenly, oops, it was injection being in control, travel plans, needles, be-

time! We got off at the next exit, which hap- ing misunderstood, and finding the humor in

pened to be a McDonald’s drive-thru. This was the journey — all part of the IF experience, I

where the fun began... guess.

I unpacked all my vials, powder, liquid, sy- Over the course of the cycle we got used to
ringe, large needle, little needle, alcohol pads, doing injections on the go. I gave myself plen-
gauze pads, sharps container... the works. I ty more injections in the car throughout the
laid them all out neatly on the windshield of summer. We learned our lesson, though, and
the car and started mixing the meds I needed. from that point on, we strategically parked far
away from prying eyes....

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 45

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN

THE
FACE OF
INFERTILITY

1 in 6 women experience infertility. I AM that 1.
2.5% of women have PCOS. I AM that 2.5%.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I AM that 1.
But one thing I am not. I AM NOT a statistic! So who am I?

I AM A WIFE. I AM A SISTER.

A wife of a wonderful husband, who would be an A sister whose best friend is my sister. A sister who
even better father! A wife who feels guilty that her was so happy for my sister both times I heard she
husband was sucked into this infertile place with her. was pregnant. But sad for myself. A sister who
Why should his dream be denied? rejoiced over the birth of my nephews as if they were
my own, but on the inside I was thinking, "Why can’t
I AM A DAUGHTER. this be me?”

A daughter who would like nothing more than to give I AM A GRANDDAUGHTER.
my mother the joy of a grandchild. A daughter who
loves my mother and knows that she too is in pain A granddaughter who fears that my grandmother will
because her child is in pain. Sadly, there is nothing never get to meet her great-grandchildren. That my
more I can do about it. children will never know this amazingly strong
woman.

46 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

I AM AN AUNT. probably did not happen this month
and if it did, there is so much that
An aunt who loves my nephews to pieces. Who hugs can go wrong.
them so tight, not wanting to let them go, because I
remember I was supposed to have one the same age. I AM THE PERSON
WHO CUT YOU OFF ON
I AM A BOSS. THE ROAD.

A boss who has bad days too. Who sometimes may My mind was racing in a million directions because I
not sympathize with your disaster morning of getting was wondering if the spotting I saw this afternoon
a flat tire on the way to work. A boss who may find it was a warning of impending doom.
hard to relate to a tragedy like this after losing my
long-awaited baby just the day before. And then I am your neighbor who may not always seem so
making it work on time. friendly.

I AM A FRIEND. I am the one who does not always come over to your
kids' birthday parties because it is just too hard right
A friend who needs my friends now more than ever now.
before. A friend who will love you, listen to you and
help you, but may not be able to come to every baby I AM YOUR PATIENT.
kiddush or bris because it hurts too much.
A patient whose happiness depends on the news
I AM A WOMAN. you give her over the phone or at an appointment. If I
react sharply, it is not a reflection of your abilities, it
A woman who can’t do what women were born to do. is a reflection of her inabilities.
A woman whose heart is broken. A woman who will
comfort you, laugh with you, cry with you, and be I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I hurt. I cry. I
there for you, but right now I need to personally hide. I yell. And I make mistakes.
indulge in all that.
I LOVE. I AM HAPPY.
I AM THE ONE BEHIND YOU
IN THE CHECKOUT LINE. I laugh. I smile. I am strong. I will heal. I will move
forward…one step at a time. I fill so many roles
The one who is buying a pregnancy test with a mix of things. And I deal with so many emotions, feel all
excitement and dread because deep down I know it these things, because of the one role I do not fill.
I am not a mother.
But I hope one day to be one. One day soon.

Revised from a blog by Michelle at tobabyandbeyond.blogspot.com

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 47

| C H I Z U K F R O M W I T H I N • By: Rivky Frankel

48 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781

After writing, re-writing, editing, reviewing, planning and typing, I was
finally ready for the thrilling, but dreaded next step; auditioning and
assigning parts.
As the show director, I love many aspects of my job, but auditioning has its
unique delight. Anticipation and anxiety are showcased on the girls’ faces as
they eagerly step forward to enact their lines. Many times, I am in for some
pleasant surprises. Placid girls who drift through lessons become alive. Shy
students who barely say a word in class fall into a character’s persona with
ease.

But this step is also where it gets messy. So many girls with so many
dreams….. yet so few roles to be given out. How to choose?

Before the parts were to be announced, I gave my annual pep talk to the girls
of how everything is bashert and shared with them how many hours were
spent deliberating and how I wish I could give every girl the main role. I then
read the list of each girl’s assigned part out loud.

One particularly disappointed girl raised her hand, and with a pained voice
asked, "I had really wanted a big part. Okay, I understand that I couldn't get
one. But now I am not even asking for the lead role. Can’t you at least give me
just one line? One line?"

Oh, how I relate to this plea. I look around and see my friends with their
double strollers and buggy boards and I can’t help but beg… "I want a family.
Okay, I am no longer even asking for a large family, but can’t You give me just
one? Just one child?"

And yet, as a show director, I know that every dancer,
every player, every singer, no matter how small the role,
is fundamental to the show...

And I know my part is important and that I matter in the
big picture.

But still, I ask, can’t You give me just one line?
Just one line…

TISHREI 5781 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 49

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: RIVKY FRANKEL

ThrMouyghLens
Wisps of clouds decorate the sky with lace,
Wind-blown curls adorn the child’s tanned face.
The afternoon sun frames the trees in gold,
Trusting hazel eyes gaze with a story waiting to be told.
And I, the photographer, the heart behind the lenses,
Try to capture it all, down to the smell tickling at the senses.
And time and time again I am left in awe,
How it has all been captured without the tiniest flaw.
Yet when I finally file the photos, my work of art,
I suddenly am loath to notice the beat of my heart.
And I’m forced to attend to the storm raging inside,
Of pain and yearning that until now I had to hide.
--
Inspired by a photography session with my friend’s children at the park

50 SHAAREI TIKVAH | TISHREI 5781