Chanukah-5782-Magazine_1_LR

S
lssue 94 / Chanukah 5782
pabyrkaed

Song

A Melody That Moved Me | 10
Just Like the Angels | 16

Stuck by the Side of the Road | 38
Chanukah Light | 41

An IF Chanukah Party | 94

‫לעילוי נשמת ר' משה בן ר' דוד ז"ל‬

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DISTRIBUTING, LLC for their generous support
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CTaobnlteeonfts 16

Editorial 34 Support

Letter From the Founder 5 Siberia of the Soul 64
Letter From the Editor 7 Men and Women 66
Mailbox 8 Feel the Feels 69
Handling Baby Celebrations 70
Chizuk
Amusement Parks and Other
A Melody That Moved Me 10
Just Like the Angels 16 Unamusing Truths 72
Don't Quit 24
Family Relationships 26 Pregnancy Loss
Elite 32
When You're in a Slump 34 It Wasn't Meant To Be 76

Chizuk from 52 Medical
Within
Did COVID-19 Affect ART? 78
One in Eight 36 Six Things Everyone Wonders About 80
Stuck by the Side of the Road 38 How Long Before I Can Try Again? 84
Just One Name 40 Golden Window 86
Chanukah Light 41 Bleeding After IUI 89
Precipitation 42 A Seminal Study 90
Relationship Transformations 44
What Does It Feel Like? 48 111 Humor
Little Seedling 49
The Incredible Moment 50 Chanukah party, IF style 94
Thanking Hashem Through It All 52
Not in Vain 59 Yiddish
When the Moment Comes 60 Section

109-124

ATIME was founded in memory of:
‫ר׳ ירמי׳ ב״ר אהרן ע״ה • ר׳ מרדכי ע״ה ב״ר אפרים רוזן נ״י‬

T O FRIOTERAHI LSCHAOHSESOOLTOKPH.EIUNAETGSYAYONFUOS WRAA,RETERISM ER E F E R R A L S / A D V I C E / E D U C AT I O N / S U P P O R T1W8B.-RA6ROT1A8I3MO6MB1M-BKE8E0RILDA.9YOAM4I1IRNACB8RN2OAA,BTGNORBTHLI DBCYFIDMSMFIHE1INTIARCCA.1S,IEGHEECI2HSMCAAA1UAATZ9LIIOBDATKIDEBNROREOVIOOEPR4EEISNTE0ANNNIC6NNOISUTSGTUEDNSUON/AR/PMRGP/ERAEEUXEEENTRXKTRXBMHVTCO/TL2IEEBI6HELS1C1EHXAI0UCAOR8TDCOHTGSNHIV1SAHO/1APOA/YINPI7APVECTTRSAXAAI//MET/LCE8/7GEYEX2P41WNXRT58H/ATOO--2EE28N2MG0XL910PC3TR8EAL0YA1N-I-2NLMT1’O6SIE2M4S/H/6SEEEEX/AXTELTTX11HT143/ EXT 601 YO N
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LAORNE E U WCHAVAH E A LT H Y
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WWPLWEPA.HASTUOEIPNMVSCIEECSO.SIHOFTMUOERIPDRGNPUUAGOLRCEEPTOVOEGCMFNRPOOTOLSUEUMTARPENDI N G E V E N T S :

LetetrhFe Fromounder
Dear Friends,
enter and inspire us.
This timeline on Chanukah should
be renamed a lightline — or maybe a And yet it is so hard… during this yom
lifeline. tov of lights we are so challenged and
there are so many painful reminders of
That’s how much I love the message of our difficult nisayon.
lights.

One tiny candle can dispel so much Please remember that you are not
darkness. alone.

We only begin lighting our menorah Please know that all of us at ATIME
when it is dark outside… another understand. We want your lives to be
reminder of the power of light in the completely free of darkness.
darkness. These lights would not be
seen in daylight. We will do whatever we can to make
that happen.
I always feel that going through
infertility gives you special night vision. All of our programs and services were
You learn to seek out light even in the designed to lighten and shorten your
darkest of times. It is a gift that will journey toward your dreams.
stay with you forever.
Please don't hesitate to call us — for
Yet, sometimes we miss the beautiful, anything.
lichtige messages that surround us.
May the magic of the Chanukah lights
Chanukah is the best time to work on completely illuminate your homes, and
this. It’s interesting that it is a halacha may you never know darkness again!
not to use the lights for anything
mundane but just to gaze upon them. It With all my heart...
is through looking at the lights, through
looking for the light in the darkness, Brany Rosen
that the power of the Chanukah lights

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 5

BuolAeeapvnTtdIeMtenahsEttteesd!

Eemvaeinl [email protected]

Call 215 ,718-686-8912

ext

| LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Dear Readers Dovid Hamelech knew this
power. And he, no stranger to
At times, there are no words. suffering, turned to music to
Expression feels impossible. express both his profound joy
Putting a feeling — a deep- and deepest pain. Nowhere are
searing emotion — into the such highs and lows evident as in
limiting confines of words the hallowed pages of the Sefer
subdues its power. Tehillim he bequeathed us.

It’s at those times when words And indeed, the last chapter,
fail us that we turn to music. the culmination of Sefer Tehillim,
tells us to “praise Hashem with
The power of neginah is music.”
transcendent.
This Chanukah, as we stare into
And on the wings of song we the shining lights at the time of
can soar to new heights. Through “shir u’renanim,” let us use our
music’s highs and lows, we can unique circumstance, both our
access the hidden recesses of our personal joys and deepest pain, to
hearts. With the power of music, tap into the power of song. Let’s
that which would otherwise use the gift of music to express
remain shut swings wide open. what is truly in our hearts before
He who hears our song — our
The word tefillah (‫)תפלה‬, prayer, prayer.
and the word shira (‫)שירה‬, song,
have the equivalent numerical The Editors
value of 515, symbolizing that
music is, indeed, an expression
of prayer. Through song we can
access deep levels of tefillah.

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 7

| EDITORIAL

Mail Box Dear Editors,

I just finished reading two old magazines that I got
from a friend, and I'm so amazed. Reading about
other people going through the same struggle as me
made me feel normal and not alone. I felt especially
validated by the articles about the two-week wait. It
was so good to see that my feelings during this time
are so normal.

F.S.

Dear Rabbi and Mrs. Rosen,

We just wanted to extend our heartfelt thanks for
the incredible organization you run. We gain so much
from your events, forum, medical counseling and
referrals, and more. In particular, we want to thank
you and the entire ATIME team for going above and
beyond to make our first IVF cycle so much easier.

You make it so easy to get a mashgicha, and I can't
even describe how touched and cared for I felt when
the receptionist told me that ATIME had left a lunch
package for after my retrieval today. Topping it off
was supper tonight, taking the stress off my head
and wrapping us in a tight feeling of being cared for.
(This all is not even touching on what we've already
benefited from ATIME in previous situations!) Mi
k'amcha Yisroel. We truly appreciate all the time,
effort, and resources you put into ATIME.

May Hashem grant you continued kochos and siyata
d'Shmaya in your incredible work.

A Grateful Couple

8 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5781

To the Esteemed ATIME Team, Dear ATIME,

I have no words to describe all that we’ve endured, It wasn’t that long ago that having kids of our
own was just a dream.
One of the darkest and most challenging of times.
I would dream of a positive pregnancy test.
It seemed like the clouds would forever linger; I would dream of crying babies.
I would dream of being up all night.
It seemed that the sun would never shine. I would dream of runny noses and sticky hands.
I would dream of tripping over toys and endless
During these painful moments, when we tried to make sense, amounts of laundry.
I would dream of tantrums and tears.
Of the doctor’s advice, to just let go and grieve. I would dream of cute baby clothes.
I would dream of slides and swings.
You were there for us, holding our hands, I would dream of little kiddie shoes.
“Some women are just born this way,” I was told.
Helping us get through the darkness, to trust and believe. “If you want a biological child, you should look
into surrogacy,” was the advice.
There will be a light at the end of the tunnel, we know, “You just can’t get pregnant,” came the verdict.
Devastation doesn’t begin to describe how I felt.
This painful time will soon come to an end. Heartbroken.
Defeated.
There will be a day when joy will supplant sorrow, Drained.
Tell me I can’t, and I’ll show you I can!
When we will finally be at peace. If not for the incredible work of Rabbi and Brany
Rosen and the entire ATIME family, I don’t know if
Thank you for your words of wisdom, I would be living my dream.
Thank you Hakadash Baruch Hu for allowing
For the chizuk and compassion you so generously dispense. ATIME to be Your shaliach in giving us our family.
We will never stop thanking You.
But most of all for your listening ear. We will never stop thanking ATIME.

Thanks again for being at our side. The G’s S.S.

Dear ATIME,

Thank you for arranging it all for us.
You women are so amazing. I am in awe!

Our journey is far from over (so much crying still),
but I will forever remember what you did for us.

You moved mountains while making it seem like it's no big deal.

Hashem should repay you in the way that only He can.
An ATIMER

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 9

| CHIZUK

I NEED YOU NOW

By: Yosef Giniger

Written and composed by: Malky Giniger

A I look around and try to find You there
They say You are; You can see and hear
Melody But times like this I need much more than
That
Moved Me faith that's blind
I need to see to believe, to feel You in my heart
Sometimes, we hit upon that song that just whispers the
words stuck deep within our soul. That gives expression to our and mind
deep-felt pain and longing for connection to Hashem. They say it passes, it's a phase

Here we present current inspirational songs that resonate And soon I’ll recognize
with us, that are a balm for the soul, along with information on But how do I keep from falling?
how to get them to play in your own homes.
Hashem open up my eyes
Is there a song that touches a deep chord with the IFer in you? I need You now

Please send us an email, so we can include it in our next To hold me close when I'm so far
playlist: [email protected] Please show me how

You can also drop us a line and we'll send you the mp3 files of To make it through, bring me close to You
the tracks that are available for free. Now

To hold me close to find the truth
Please show me how

To see Your light and hear You call
Don't let me fall

I feel you now and then, but soon forget
Help me live without the pain and regret
And when I make a mistake and feel alone
Help me forgive myself and still come home

They say it passes, it's a phase…
I need you now…

Now's when I need you most of all

Listen/download:

https://mostlymusic.com/collections/free-music/prod-
ucts/yosef-giniger-i-need-you-now-single

10 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

NEVER ALONE KEEP CLIMBING

(for women only) Sung and composed by: Avraham Fried
By: Bracha Jaffe, Shaindy Plotzker Album: Keep Climbing

‫הנה אנכי שולח מלאך לפניך לשמרך בדרך‬ Life is a mountain we must climb
I know You will protect me We don’t have forever, just the time He gives us

I know You will watch over me Get to the top if you can
I know that I am never alone This is the challenge of man
Yes, you might fall and tumble down
I feel You right beside me Sometimes that happens when you dare
I feel You right here guiding me
I know that You will bring us home Knowing you, My child
You’ll pick yourself up and start again from there
My child, I am here Keep climbing, don’t let nothing stand in your way
You have nothing to fear Keep believing, pay no attention to what they say
Take My hand, I won’t let go
Up is where you want to go
You’re not alone It’s dark and lonely down below.
Keep fighting, this is one fight you won’t regret
Listen/download: Keep believing, you’ve got what it takes, now don’t forget
https://mostlymusic.com/collections/free-music/products/
Up is where you belong
bracha-jaffe-shaindy-plotzker-never-alone-single It’s where your soul will find her song.
Make sure you take one step at a time
Watch: Remember that surrender is the road to nowhere
https://youtu.be/THMtJ1AKvlk
Be proud of how far you’ve come
You said it couldn’t be done

Dig in and breathe out there’s more to climb
To give up now would be such an awful shame

Give it all you’ve got my child
You don’t want to lose all that you have gained.

Keep climbing…
There’s no thrill when standing still
But there is a way when there is a will

Touch the Divine!
Continue to climb!
Keep climbing…

Watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FFzkYjAPmc
Download: https://www.avrahamfried.com/keep-climbing

(MP3 download is 99 cents)

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 11

BROKEN HEARTS DEAR FUTURE ME

By: Yaakov Lemmer (for women only)
Composed by: Hanan Ben Ari By: Cypora Perr

Who knows pain and all its parts Dear future me
Who restores all broken hearts Hello, and how are you?
There's so much I want to ask you
Forms darkness and light So much I wish I knew
Creator of peace and strife You've been to places I've never been
Who sits on the judgment throne Love people who I don't know
Who forgives, acquits and dons I know you take mistakes I make
And learn from them to grow
The long robe of mercy
Watches, oh, and knows If I met you now would I be proud
Just Who will heal my broken heart Of who you have come to be?
Would I even recognize you
When I fall apart And would you remember me?
And I'm longing
Like an ocean with no shore If you had one chance to travel back
Won't you just tell me What would you choose to say?
Who now will embrace me
I wish I could know for certain you'd say
And promise You'll be okay
That I will not break down anymore
Dear future me
Who is, was and will remain What's become of all my dreams?
Who gives life and obliterates
Are my dreams just memories
Opens up all hands Of dreams that used to be?
Wings to fly and feet to land Are you just too busy
And Who will heal my broken heart
For that voice inside your head
When I fall apart The one that screams
And I'm longing The one that dreams
Like an ocean with no shore
Won't you just tell me Promise me you won't forget?
Who will now embrace me
If I met you now would I be proud…
And promise
That I will not break down anymore? Listen/download:
https://mostlymusic.com/products/cypora-perr-dear-fu-
Listen/download: https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Hearts-
Shvurei-Lev-English/dp/B08TMNFY8R ture-me-single
(MP3 download is 99 cents)

Watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8etukBdZ5E
This is a translation from the original Hebrew Shevurei Lev.

Watch the Hebrew Version by Avraham Fried:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPAXBuo8_rI

12 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

EMBRACING UNCERTAINTY A YID

(for women only) By: Blau Studios By: Benny Friedman
Produced and arranged by: Doni Gross
I choose to liberate myself today Composed and written by: Chayala Neuhaus
To free myself, let all fears fade away
While this song is themed around COVID-19 and
Free to live, free to be all the suffering it brought, the chorus especially
Let go and feel Hashem’s security resonates with every one of us facing challenges.
Hashem, I know there’s love in every part
But I also want to feel it in my heart My friends, in times like these
It's hard to see past the insanity
Let this knowledge penetrate
Let this tightness in me dissipate In a reality
This challenge won’t defeat me, I won’t break So uncertain and unknown
I have Hashem; that’s all it ever takes Life as we knew it forever changed
Hashem, give me the strength for this moment now And there's no peace of mind to be found
I trust You’ll get me through ‘cuz only You know how Who can even make sense of tomorrow
Yes, I can live with uncertainty When our dreams keep crashing to the ground?
Cuz there’s one thing I am sure, sure, You are here with me And yet, as we rise to greet another day
Just this moment, one moment to focus on And the sun is still bright in the sky
I’ll be present in this moment, keep my sense of calm Always a reason to hope for better times
You hold my future, I won’t look ahead Though it seems like the answers worlds away
Cuz when I am with You, You, I let myself be led We've got enough just enough to keep us going
Holding on to unbroken simple faith
I can live with uncertainty Because a Yid never breaks
Cuz You’re here with me
Hashem this time’s so difficult for me And a Yid never bends
It’s hard to face my vulnerability And a Yid never gives up in the night
I feel so small, You are so great A Yid perseveres through the deepest despairs
I have a new awareness in this tender state His emunah strengthens him for the fight
I’ve been pushed past my complacency And a Yid understands that Hashem has a plan
I want to harness this humility And that's all it takes to make it through
Connect and soar, change at the core
Never go back to who I was before His Tatte loves him
This challenge won’t defeat me… That's what a Yid holds on to
Hashem, give me the strength for this moment now…
Hashem creates the world anew Watch: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZDyYnH8Se8 (women only)
Each day there’s hope for a breakthrough Listen/download: https://mostlymusic.com/products/a-yid
Today is hard, but I know
There’s renewal tomorrow CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 13
Hashem, give me the clarity
Through this darkness help me see
You have all answers, every cure
I’m Yours, I feel secure
Hashem, give me the strength for this moment now…

To get an MP3 file, email [email protected]

THIS ONE This one goes out to you
For all the bullets you stood brave through
(for women only) I hope you hear me in my silent applause
By: Bracha Jaffe
Lyrics: Chayala Neuhaus Breaking down walls
Production: Shai Bachar I know you don’t feel like one
But you’re a hero for what you’ve done
I remember when And for this moment you won’t be unsung
You were younger then
This one goes out to you
So innocent You could never explain
Life could not keep up with you The sheer will it takes

And your big-eyed dreams To keep your face
They failed u now, it seems From crumpling into waves of pain

Tell me about it You could not describe it
You and I have stepped What it means to hide it, to fight it
The same broken path
And did you ever think
To hell and back A heart could scream so loud
You don’t know it yet, but I do Until you’re afraid it’s falling out?
No other living soul will say a thing
I’m the only one who It’s only dead and quiet, deafening
Knows your truth
But here you are surviving
Nursing all your scars Anyway
Hidden from view Anyway
I can spot a few
Your fierce fire stops the dark from getting in your way
They tell it all when words fall short This one goes out to you
You were whole before
For all the pain that you powered through
But now they’re witnesses I hope you hear me in my silent applause
To the shattered promises
You came up to bat; you took a hit Breaking down walls
You’ll spend your life just getting over it I know you don’t feel like one
Picking up your pride strewn on the field But you’re a hero for what you’ve done
Asking if your hopes were even real And for this moment You are not unsung
But here you are standing The world will never see you up on a billboard
Never name a building after you
Anyway And they’ll never see your star on a sidewalk
Anyway Saying this award goes to…
And your scars are far, so far And even those you fought for hardest
From landing in your way
May never ever get it
14 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782 But I'm here to give you credit

This one time
This one goes out to you
When nobody looks proud of you
I’m here, I’ll be your cheering crowd
When you bring the house down
I know you don’t feel like one
But you’re a hero for what you’ve done
And right now I say your time has come
And for this moment you won’t be unsung

Listen/download:

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products/bracha-jaffe-this-one-single

Watch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuP4YlUuuOg

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 15

| C H I Z U K • BY: Y. R O I T E N B A R G ©

tJhuesSetAasnonLaglikeThleousghts

It was a hectic Friday; Shushan Purim.
In some parts of Eretz Yisroel, Purim was still being
celebrated in full force. Even for those of us not living in
Yerushalayim, the Purim atmosphere was still palpable.

I was in the aftermath of Entertaining the large lebedig creativity at its best. I may not
Purim’s mess, clearing up from crowd — some drunk, some hyper have kids to dress up, but I dress
the “venahafoch hu” — the — had been yesterday’s joy, but up our Purim table and make a
upheaval that descends every it was today’s mess to tackle. themed seudah every year. Thus,
year on Purim. I was finding And it was Erev Shabbos. There other people’s original mishloach
my way out from under the was clutter to tidy, sticky floors manos themes and fabulous
Purim debris; torn cellophane, to clean, yesterday’s food to sort creations inspire me. There are
decorative bags, the once pretty and tomorrow’s Shabbos food to always the one or two beautifully
but now stained boxes, and prepare. There were also other packed, original mishloach manos
an array of torn ribbons and time-consuming preparations to that don’t get dismantled as
bows. Yesterday’s exuberance fit into the day, as it was a Friday quickly as all the rest. On that
had become today’s trash. An night dip (leil tevilah) for me. Friday, one particular mishloach
assortment of food, packets, manos remained in its original
snacks all so creatively packed, Finding my way out from the packaging and was saved to be
now had to be resourcefully Purim wreckage is not something our centerpiece for Shabbos.
sorted. Hosting the Purim seudah I relish, however, what I do This was not only because its
in our home had been lovely. enjoy and appreciate is women’s coloring matched our gold-and-

16 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

white Shabbos tablecloth and flatware. wrapping positioned at the center of I believe
The theme of this mishloach manos the table. Only my own preparations that those
touched me deeply. The year was 5775 for going out that night were still left of us who
— a shmittah year — and this particular to do — and that is exactly when the struggle with
mishloach manos was shmittah- infertility,
themed — seven small telephone rang. It was my mother- bravely
food items, each one in-law calling from overseas, fielding the
somewhat connected excitedly announcing the myriad of
to agriculture and wonderful news that one challenges it
aesthetically of my husband’s nieces presents in our
wrapped in had just given birth to homes, hearts,
burlap, sack twin girls. This niece marriages and
fabric, along with and her parents’ lives, not just
some golden family were all in once in seven
wheat stalks Yerushalayim, so for years, but
and a bottle of them it was Purim. sometimes for
7UP, expressing They were all in Purim years on end,
admiration and mood and mode, still in are definitely
delivering well-deserved the middle of their Purim worthy of the
praise: “7UP to the shomrei seudah, so they had asked title giborei
shevi’is.” koach, too.
my mother-in-law to notify us of
The reason this mishloach manos, their special news.
in particular, drew my attention, was
because of an article I had written for Was this some kind of Purim joke? It
ATIME, comparing couples who struggle was certainly a Purim nisayon! It felt
with infertility to the heroic farmers like we were barely home from her
who are instructed to leave their land wedding, as though I had only just kicked
unfertile every seven years for the off my high-heeled shoes, yet here she
duration of shmittah. Those brave and was, ka”h already holding, not one, but
faithful agriculturists are compared to two precious babies. My husband is
angels and given the praiseworthy title the oldest of his family and lots of his
of giborei koach, for courageously
leaving their land barren. I believe younger brothers are,
that those of us who struggle baruch
with infertility, bravely fielding the
myriad of challenges it presents in
our homes, hearts, marriages and
lives, not just once in seven years,
but sometimes for years on end, are
definitely worthy of the title giborei
koach, too.

Shabbos was fast approaching; order
had been restored to our home. The
house was tidy, the food was cooked, the
table was laid, with that one mishloach
manos, still in its original cellophane

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 17

Hashem, already grandparents, “personal seven,” and who were staying with us. They
but twins — that was a first in counts seven more often than had come to Eretz Yisroel for
their family. In addition to this, we do? Month after month, year a granddaughter’s wedding,
the grandmother of these new after year, some of us continue a younger sister of that niece
twins, my sister-in-law, was uninterruptedly for decades. who had those twins. Of course,
herself just recovering from We visit the mikvah monthly, at there at the wedding, I met those
having given birth. My mother- the end of shivah neki’im — at growing-up, gorgeous twin girls. I
in-law was understandably the completion of seven clean did not need to ask them how old
euphoric, in the seventh heaven days. Doing this repeatedly can they were. It is a shmittah year
with this incredible news, that be monotonous, is somewhat now and so I know, since that
I still had to process. At that challenging, accentuates our Shushan Purim, almost another
moment, I glanced at the 7UP disappointment and possibly it seven years have elapsed; seven
mishloach manos decorating our is even embarrassing to keep more years of trying to be a
table, and was suddenly struck returning with no news to valiant winner not in orchards
with a most comforting thought. announce for our efforts. Since and fields but on the battlefields
My little niece and her newborn, then, each time I soak in the pure of life. A further seven years
tiny, twin girls, were obviously a mikvah waters, I also try to soak in which I have had to display
cause for great excitement, but in and internalize the message tremendous strength and find
that mishloach manos wordlessly that kol hashvi’in chavivin. Our inner reserves of courage, the
conveyed an encouraging shvi’in chavivin might be a very likes of which I never even knew
message; one that I really needed private act, something far less I had. I am definitely still of the
to hear: kol hashvi’in chavivin. public than the shvi’in chavivin of opinion that perhaps not only
Twin girls are adorable and cute, farmers, but it is no less heroic. farmers come in the category of
but to Hashem shvi’in chavivin — We, too, are giborei koach, for the giborei koach. Maybe there are
sevens are beloved. perseverance we demonstrate, some others, also deserving of
the fortitude we develop, for the this prestigious title, ranking in
The Midrash in Parshas Behar, circumstances we endure and for that caliber — JUST LIKE THE
on the topic of shmittah, says the faith we cultivate. ANGELS.
that kol hashvi’in chavivin
— all sevens are precious to That Friday night as my •••
Hashem. On that particular husband sang the Shabbos
Friday, I was up to my own zemiros, my eyes teared when he Despite the humidity and
sang the words, “Kol mekadesh oppressive heat, the long main
Was this shevi’i korai lo.” Of course, in this road — Rechov Chazon Ish in
some kind of instance it refers to Shabbos, Bnei Brak was overcrowded with
which is the seventh day of throngs of men, women and
PuItrimwjoakes? the week, but I thought of the children. Rooftops, bus stops,
certainly kedusha of a Yiddishe home: windows, porches and balconies
kol mekadesh shevi’i korai lo — were packed with excited
a Purim whoever sanctifies the seventh in celebrants. Shopkeepers had
nisayon! a befitting way, secharo harbeh closed their stores earlier than
me’od — is promised enormous usual, young boys holding flags
reward. had been dismissed from cheder
early that afternoon and kollel
Fast forward to just a couple men had interrupted their usual
of weeks ago. My parents-in- intense learning schedules to be
law were here from overseas part of this scene.
for a family simcha, and they
This took place twenty-one

18 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

years ago in the month of Elul. mDCctoasahheutnaescclhIhfmleaejytxconhpeyfgereaieori?instfs”sh? Before the procession began,
There was neither a chuppah nor Holding onto each these heroic farmers attended
any torch lights as this was not other’s shoulders, they a dinner where they had
the celebration of a hachnosas been addressed and praised
sefer Torah. We were not dressed danced toward the by rabbanim and gedolim.
in Shabbos finery and had gates of the field, and These same Torah leaders had
obviously not gathered to meet instructed us to leave our homes,
a gadol hador. What was it then as they exited they schools, shuls, yeshivos and
that had prompted women and all shook hands workplaces in honor of these
children to leave their homes at and called out: great angel-like farmers who had
this usually hectic hour? Why “Shabbat Shalom, left their own fields for an entire
had so many people either closed year, relying solely on Hashem
their businesses or left the beis Eretz Yisroel; Shabbat for their needs and livelihood.
medrash? The excited masses Shalom le’artzeinu The smiling crowds cheered, and
of people had come out together hakedosha.” men danced with and around the
to salute and cheer the heroes farmers, singing:
of this victory parade. And who emblazoned with the words,
exactly were the victorious “Yeyasher Koach Giborei Koach” ‫כד יתבין ישראל ועסקין בשמחת‬
heroes? decorated the streets, referring to ‫ קודשא בריך הוא אומר‬,‫התורה‬
the pasuk in Tehillim that applies ‫לפמליא דיליה‬,
The year was 5761. We were to these shmittah-observant
at the close of a shmittah year farmers. ‫חזו בני חביבי דמשתכחין מצערא‬
and the heroes were thousands ‫דילהון ועסקין בחדוותא דילי‬.
of shmittah observant farmers. ֹ‫ָּב ְרכ ּו ה' ַמ ְל ָא ָכיו ִּג ּבֵֹרי כֹ ַח עֹ ֵשׂי ְד ָברו‬
Tractors and combine-harvesters ֹ‫ – ִל ְׁשמֹ ַע ְּבקוֹל ְּד ָברו‬Hashem blesses When Yidden immerse
driven by sun-tanned farmers, as His angels, the strong warriors themselves in the joy of studying
well as farmers on horse drawn who fulfill and obey His command Torah, Hashem says to the
wagons, that were filled with and listen to His word (Tehillim malachim; “Look! Just look at My
scythes and other agriculture 103:20). precious, beloved children who
equipment, all made their ignore their own concerns and
way down Rechov Chazon Ish. The very same verse that troubles and faithfully concern
These simple men had attained describes angels describes and busy themselves with living
greatness, and as we waved, shmittah observers, for they, with joyous Torah lives.”
cheered and clapped to the their constant unswerving faith,
music, they shook hands with belief and trust, reach the heights These moving words,
the men and children. They attained by angels. accompanied by the soulful
smiled proudly to the crowds who tune plucked at my heartstrings,
were applauding their courage, and as I beheld the magnificent
belief and steadfastness. We scene, tears sprang to my eyes. I
were celebrating their great was extremely touched and while
achievement. They had kept I rejoiced with everyone, tears
shmittah meticulously day after trickled down my cheeks. I found
day, week after week, month myself comparing the farmers
after month, allowing their fields, and their great challenge —
vineyards and land to lie infertile shmittah and their infertile land,
and fallow. with our own trials of infertility.
“Does my faith match theirs? Can
Brightly colored banners I express such joy in the face of
challenge?”

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 19

the torah First and foremost, I thought of I know that Hashem Himself
itself the Chazon Ish, as we stood there who commanded that land must
gathered on the road named be left barren has also decreed
validates after this great tzaddik. He was a for us to experience infertility.
that when man who worked tirelessly with However, while we struggle with
someone is superhuman effort to reinstate the pain of childlessness, at the
going through shmittah observance after years very same time, just like fallow
a trial, it is of neglect. The Chazon Ish, a land improves, so too we must
completely giant in Torah, who never had improve. We must maintain and
normal and children, a man who tasted the develop an even greater belief
justifiable bitterness of infertility, spent his and trust in Hashem.
life encouraging farmers to leave
to be their fertile farmland, orchards During shmittah these farmers
apprehensive, and vineyards to lie fallow don’t just have a few hours or
during shmittah. He assured days to spare, but weeks and
to have them of Hashem’s promise, that months, a whole Sabbatical year.
concerns and by obeying this command they These farmers, some who never
would be deserving of Hashem’s had a formal Jewish education,
questions. blessings. suddenly find themselves joining
a Torah learning program and
Torah umitzvos heim ikur they thereby make great strides
toldoseihem shel tzadikim. The in Yiddishkeit. I have heard that
Chazon Ish never had children some farmers proclaim that
but today years later we are still in terms of spiritual growth,
celebrating the fruits of his labor. shmittah is their most fruitful,
These farmers, each and every productive and profitable year. I
one a success story — they are look on with awe and admiration
his children! at these farmers, and I ask
myself, “Can I say likewise about
Modern science has proven my life?” Surely while we are not
that leaving fields fallow for a yet busy with the task of raising a
while improves and restores the family, Hashem expects us to fill
our time and lives with spiritual
nutrients and minerals in the nourishment and growth.
ground.
During the shmittah year,
although farmers cannot fertilize,

sow or plant on their
land, they do have
fruit producing
trees. At times they

go out to their fields
with their workers and incur
expenses but no profits. They
pick and package fruit that they
then distribute at no cost. There
at the parade I saw their jubilant
smiles, and I knew how happily

20 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

they had done this. I thought prepared to keep shmittah, but raising children, while only we are
of our own tribulations, the they were doing it so proudly and stuck in the agony of infertility,
medical expenses, the high cost joyously, infusing one another living our lives on unfertile
of medications and treatments with fortitude. Their energetic ground.
and unfortunately for some, no dancing evoked memories of
profits and no fruits as of yet. the ATIME Shabbatons I have The mitzvah of shmittah
I understand just why these attended — the loud, enthusiastic primarily applies to farmers.
farmers are compared to angels. singing and dancing could The rest of us, at most, only
Not only must we appreciate make anyone think this group is have to learn and keep a few
them, we must also try to learn celebrating a tremendous simcha. extra food-related halachos
from them. The reality, though, is that each at the greengrocer and in the
one is instilling the other with kitchen. However, we are the am
Very recently, I saw a short, strength, to continue on a journey mekadshei shevi’i, well aware
moving clip of a group of farmers that is so fraught with challenges that while the main responsibility
bidding farewell to their fields, – ish el rei’eihu yomar chazak. and challenge rests on the
before Rosh Hashanah. They were Together we gather much-needed shoulders of the farmers, it is
all holding hands and joyously strength so as to be able to our obligation, actually, even our
singing, "Anachnu maaminim bnei continue on serenely and with desire to assist them financially
maaminim," dancing and circling emunah. It is difficult to be of the and ease their burden. Today,
to the music that was playing. select few chosen to trek this organizations spearheaded by
They jumped up and down as they route, but together we somehow rabbanim who recognize the
repeatedly sang the words: “V’ein display fortitude, exhibit joy, challenge involved for farmers
lanu al mi l'hishaein ela al avinu and garner the stamina required raise funds for them, thereby
shebashamyim.” Then holding for our challenging roles and giving us a share in this special
onto each other’s shoulders, they circumstances. mitzvah and ensuring that any
danced toward the gates of the farmer who adheres to the laws
field, and as they exited they It is specifically farmers, and of shmittah will not be lacking
all shook hands and called out: actually only farmers in Eretz livelihood. Farmers are given
“Shabbat Shalom, Eretz Yisroel; Yisroel, who are instructed to joyously and generously from
Shabbat Shalom le’artzeinu refrain from plowing, planting these funds and there is no
hakedosha.” There is strength in and picking produce during the shame in having to be on the
numbers — each one was giving shmittah year. For everyone else, receiving end, for we understand
encouragement to the other. They no matter their profession, it is that it is as much our mitzvah
might not be able to gather in any business as usual. Educators, and obligation as theirs. We give
produce during the coming year, lawyers, doctors, tailors, generously, in recognition and
but together they were gathering accountants and architects admiration of their faith and
in strength for the year ahead. I continue to work. Everyone can strength.
watched it once, then again and make a living, rake in an income
again, and tears filled my eyes. and only farmers are required to Now let’s look at another
We have just experienced the put down their rakes, rest their mitzvah, the first mitzvah in
consequences of a pandemic. plows and leave their land fallow. the Torah – pru urvu. For some
We know now better than ever How challenging is that! Can this mitzvah is easily and
just how hard it is to suddenly be we relate and equate? We know speedily accomplished with
left without an income, without what it feels like when everyone little effort and at no cost. For
occupation, without the stability else moves on, when other others the road to parenthood is
that routine offers. Here, I saw families grow and our friends, paved with obstacles. Couples
farmers who were not only neighbors and siblings are busy who are selected to traverse

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 21

Now, however, mitzvah, rests on everyone’s character and willpower that is
we are left shoulders. Rightly so, there required to observe shmittah.
with seeds are organizations directed It is an acknowledgement that
by phenomenally caring everything we earn and possess
souls who ease our burdens comes from Hashem and that
financially and emotionally, all earthly possessions, our
and help raise the required land, our homes, our money, are
all ultimately under Hashem’s
of ideas that funds. There need be no dominion. We should never
have not shame, for being on the let ourselves be deluded into
receiving end – kol Yisroel thinking that we really own or
areivim zeh lazeh. have full control over anything.
We, too, in a similar manner learn
flourished and Farmers admit that during that we have to rely totally and
shmittah it becomes so solely on Hashem and that it is He
who has full control. He tests us
are irrigated obvious to them that their with infertility and if we prevail,
only with our sustenance comes from withstand and overcome the
Hashem. The seventh year numerous trials related to this
tears as we helps them to realize that challenge then we too, like the
also during the six years farmers, are victorious heroes and
nfiandvioguarstelinvegs when they may till, plow, earn our eternity.
our way on plant, and irrigate the land,
it is really only Hashem It is interesting to note that in
the rough who provides for them. Parshas Behar where it instructs
terrain of When I think of our child- about keeping shmittah, the
infertility. blessed family and friends, pasuk states: “V’chi somru mah
I am certain that because nochal bashanah hashvi’is” — if
Hashem has left some anyone queries, “What will we
couples childless, it makes eat in the seventh year, when no
them all the more aware seeds are planted and there is no
and appreciative of the produce gathered in?”
great gifts with which they
have been bestowed and This phrase is very encouraging,
blessed. as it confirms that there is
allowance for such a question.
The Hebrew word for It is totally understandable that
victory is nitzachon — ‫נצחון‬, there is concern and doubt. Here,
from the word netzach — the Torah itself validates that
‫נצח‬, which means eternity. when someone is going through a
trial, it is completely normal and
The reason for this is that justifiable to be apprehensive,
to have concerns and questions.
the tough route of infertility when one prevails and It should not be regarded as a
might go through years of is victorious in overcoming lack of emunah, rather it is a
medical intervention, tests challenges then one earns natural and acceptable reaction
and treatments amounting to eternity. The farmers who to struggle. Therefore, the next
astronomical sums of money. remain steadfast in their belief pasuk continues, “V’tzivisi es
We have been selected to rise to for days, weeks and months are birchasi,” reassuring us that we
this massively painful nisayon, given the title giborei koach. The will not be forsaken. Feeling
one that touches every area of pasuk referring to shmittah- uncertain and even expressing
our lives, but the responsibility observant farmers uses a
to enable as many people as double expression of strength
possible to fulfill this first — giborei koach, because of
the tremendous strength of

22 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

doubt is not a breach of our faith, instead. These farmers are courageous farmers, let’s learn
it does not prevent Hashem from instructed to leave what they love from them too. Let’s learn from
raining down His bracha upon us. and hold dear. The ground they their faith, their strength and
have tilled and that has filled their joy and strive to emulate
Any produce that grows during their hearts with satisfaction for them. Then we too will be likened
shmittah must be used correctly the past six years must now be to angels and worthy of the
and has special halachos, as left untouched. This is no easy prestigious title giborei koach —
the fruits of the shmittah year feat. What tremendous strength victorious heroes. The malachim
have a special kedusha. Couples and faith it requires — they are themselves will come out to greet
who spend years in preparation truly giborei koach, quite like us as we dance our own victory
and prayer and who are finally angels. parade. We will be able to smile
blessed, their fruits, their proudly when we show Hashem
children, have an extra kedusha. I think there are others, the fruits of our labor. He will
Those who are chosen by Hashem different, yet in many ways take pride and will announce to
to remain without zara chaya similar to these brave farmers. His malachim; ‫ חזו בני חביבי‬- “See
vekayama, can also have fruits, There are some who have to My beloved precious children.
spirituality, eternity and holiness leave, not fields and orchards, Look how they rise above their
just like the Chazon Ish. but hopes and dreams. For some own concerns and troubles,
the dreams of fruit-filled lives and faithfully concern and busy
When we will be asked by have not yet come to fruition. themselves leading joyous Torah
Hashem, “Asakta b’pirya v’rivya? Along with the very first dolls lives.”
Were you involved in trying we lovingly cradled, dreams
to have children?” We must were embedded and rooted in Then, in turn, Hashem will
be able to answer with a loud our hearts, dreams that have show us our fruits, secharo
and resounding “Yes.” We will still yet to materialize. Chinuch harbeh me’od, and we will reap
have fruits to show. Besides ideas, along with the ideals of the the abundant rewards He has
for our efforts in trying to have aim b’Yisroel were planted in our saved for us in the next world.
children, we must ensure that hearts and minds. Now, however,
we have other spiritual fruits. we are left with seeds of ideas Just as farmers and all those
While we may not reproduce or that have not flourished and are who keep shmittah are promised;
procreate, we can certainly still irrigated only with our tears, as “V’tzivisi es birchasi,” — they are
be productive and creative. we find ourselves navigating guaranteed Hashem’s bountiful
our way on the rough terrain of blessings in the shmittah year,
If the pasuk describing angels infertility. This is an enormous so too may we all merit to be the
applies to shmittah-observant challenge, no easy feat. What beneficiaries of Hashem’s special
farmers, because they endure tremendous strength and faith blessings this shmittah year. May
days, weeks, and months of it requires. The farmers know we be zoche to, “peirosehem
challenge, then surely it can that their land will lie fallow for be’olam hazeh” and “keren
apply to us too, who undergo not one year; then they will return to kayemes le’olam habah” and
merely weeks and months but their fields and their produce. We the brachos in the musaf of Yom
even years of trial and challenge. however do not know if or when Kippur should come to fruition;
we will reproduce, but we hope
For the duration of a shmittah and pray that by next year we ‫שנת פרי בטננו ופרי‬....‫יהי רצון‬
year, farmers leave their fields too will be in greener pastures, ‫אדמתנו תברך‬.....
and the work they love doing tending to seedlings, nurturing,
most. During the seventh year, watering, cultivating and raising May it be Hashem’s will that
those with green thumbs who fruits. this will be a fruitful year;
love seeds and soil do not toil on
the ground, but thumb through We are once again in the midst the fruit of our womb and
the pages of a sefer, and toil and of a shmittah year. While we the fruit of our land should be
gain ground in the beis medrash admire and appreciate the brave, blessed.

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 23

| CHIZUK • BY: AUTHOR UNKNOWN
24 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

DDQOonU'tNIQT'uTit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and debts are high,
And you want to smile but have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won if he'd stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You might succeed with another blow.
Often the struggler has given up,

When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside-out,
The silver tint of clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 25

| CHIZUK • BY: ??

Navigating Family
Relationships

Adapted by Mrs. F. Kreiser from the Hebrew book ‫כעת חיה‬

To Share, or Not To Share? to take the “Everything is fine, what’s the problem?”
The previous excerpt in the Tishrei issue of Shaarei route. And that little by little we have begun
Tikvah highlighted the reality wherein the struggles treatments and confronted our inner anxieties, and
we face become harder for our parents to bear come to terms with the knowledge that yes, there is
than for all others. This challenge demands of us a problem. With effort, we have digested this. And
to address the topic of sharing with our parents — yet here we are, still faced with the same dilemma —
should we at all, and if yes, to what extent. do we disclose it all to our parents? Maybe soon, but
not just yet? Have they detected our dejection? And
Let’s assume that for the time being we have made we ask each other constantly, “What did your mother
the decision not to share with our parents, but rather mean the last time she asked us what’s doing?”

26 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

Now let’s assume the reverse, that we have and because our hakaras hatov toward them

made the decision that we will share. A new is boundless. Does not all that we have derive

dilemma arises: How much should we share? from them? Our chinuch, our upbringing, our

Do we relate what exactly the problem is, and nourishment during our childhood and adolescent

with which of us does the problem lie? Or does years, all of which enabled us to live until today

everything have its limits? and beyond. More than that, the infinite love

Which, in turn, leads to the and warmth with which they showered us and
next quandary — dealing with
being on the receiving end of our continue to shower us. Can we
parents’ suggestions. Whether
we were completely candid We ask each other ever begin to repay them? No, we
with our disclosures or whether constantly, “What cannot. And we are forbidden to
we weren’t, our parents will did your mother ever forget this.

There is an additional point that
is important for us to realize. Even

undoubtedly make us aware of mean the last in specific circumstances where
every new option they read about we are not halachically obligated

or hear of. These run the gamut time she asked us by the mitzvah of kibbud av v’eim,
of medical options or segulos, what’s doing?” we would indeed not be remiss in
doctors or advisers. This puts us failing to honor our parents, but
in the position of having to explain we would be actively distressing

what we are doing and what we them. This is a very serious point

are not, and why. whose parameters differ from

And one day, Abba tells us of a wonderful the dictates of kibbutz since it is compounded by
segulah that (almost) helped every couple who potential harm to our parents.

tried it, but I know that this is not applicable to It goes almost without saying that all that

me, for whatever reason. And I know, too, that we have mentioned on this topic is of grave

an apology on my part is called for… but that no importance. Ingrained upon us is the severity of

number of apologies will lessen his hurt. the mitzvah of honoring our parents, as the Torah

says, "Aror maklah aviv v’imo." When situations

What Does Halacha Dictate? arise that may conflict with our fulfillment of this
If we discuss this topic solely from a halachic mitzvah, consultation with a talmid chacham baal
standpoint, there is a possibility that the mitzvah halacha is required, one who can offer us psak
of kibbud av v’eim does not obligate us to share halacha together with sage counsel, guidance and
our personal lives with our parents. hefty doses of sensitivity and wisdom.

The obligations of honoring one’s parents Our delving into this subject is of itself a great
include providing for all of their needs and mitzvah. Chazal qualify kibbud av v’eim as
for being dedicated children at all times. Also chamurah sheb’chamuros — the severest of the
included are honoring them as one would honor severe. Rabbeinu Yonah writes that the mitzvah
distinguished people; refraining from contradicting of kibbud av v’eim is to give our parents nachas
them, and never, Heaven forbid, causing them ruach. Including them in our challenge and making
embarrassment. Nevertheless, it does not seem them part of our journey certainly gives them
that we are obligated to disclose personal facts
that may cause us discomfort. nachas ruach. A difference of opinion that arises

between the couple as to when and what should
be shared, should be discussed with a prominent

Nonetheless, it is worthwhile to contemplate talmid chacham — baal halachah.

these truths from the perspective of our parents — It happened on one occasion that I went to
because of our reluctance to cause them anguish, Maran HaGaon Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman, zt”l,

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 27

to ask to be blessed with a understand why they ask of us

bracha for zera shel kayama. certain things that are sensible

Rav Shteinman opened before to them, while at the same time,

me the sefer “Midrash Mishnas insensible to us.

Rabi Eliezer”, the fifth parsha,

and read to me the words of the The Worries of
Midrash on the pasuk: "Tachas Abba and Ima
avosecha yiyiu banecha” —
succeeding your fathers will be Is there anything more precious
your sons: or more beloved to our parents

‫ בשכר כבוד‬,‫רבי יהודה אומר‬ than us, their children? We are
‫ יכול‬.‫ תראה בניך‬,‫שכבדת אבותיך‬ the recipients of their strengths,
‫הדיוטות? תלמוד תורה "תשיתמו‬ their toil, their efforts, and their

‫ עד כאן דברי‬."‫לשרים בכל הארץ‬ unlimited monetary expenditures.

‫ שכיבוד הורים הוא‬,‫ כלומר‬.‫המדרש‬ Is there a parent who would

‫סגולה לבנים חשובים‬. not forfeit their life on behalf of

Loosely translated, Rabi What would they their child? Is not the ultimate
Yehudah says, in the merit of like from us? Not expression of fierce love the
the honor that you honored much. A smidgeon of love of a mother and father
your parents, you will see reassurance, perhaps. toward their children? Proof
children. Is it possible that enough for us is the comparison
the children will be mediocre? of the love and compassion
The pasuk continues to tell us: of Hakadosh Baruch Hu to His
You will appoint them leaders children, Am Yisroel, to that of
throughout the land. the love of a father to his son.

Until here are the words A drop of inclusion, The milestone most yearned
of the Midrash. This is to say perhaps. Some for by our parents, the pinnacle
that honoring our parents is a of their success in raising us,
segulah to merit distinguished indication that we’re is to lead us to the chuppah.
offspring. managing. Not a lot to There are no words to convey
the joy of parents meriting this
Clearly, it is worthwhile for us zechus.

to try to enhance this mitzvah ask, is it? Nevertheless, apart from
as much as we can, and in
this way, it will function as a the ache of “letting go,” this
segulah to merit offspring.
joy is tinged with concern. Our

parents are peering from afar, holding their breaths

Come, then — join me as we discuss this topic with for reassurance that the new couple is acclimating
the expectation of understanding that which we are to each other and beginning to build a bayis ne’eman
striving to achieve is the best possible outcome for b’Yisroel. As much as parents try to keep a step (or
all participants in the parent-child dynamics. With a few steps) back to give the couple the time and
that outlook, let us see if we can truly find solutions… space to stand independently, beneath the surface
by trying, even just a bit, to walk in our parents’ shoes is worry. A worry often accompanied by intense lip-
and view this issue from their perspectives. Why, biting and a pounding heart.

you ask? So that we can feel for them. So that we Are they settled? Are they making poor decisions?
can understand them, and understand their thoughts Living within their budget? Managing in the
and their sentiments. And so that perhaps we can

28 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

sometimes turbulent sea of life? How the couple is is no other way to describe it. And one who has
interacting with each other; are they speaking easily, never encountered these emotions, can never, ever,
happily to each other? Do both of them look good, understand them.
cared for? The parents are trying, in short, to take the
pulse of the budding relationship. To Stand from Afar
With Bound Hands
The marriage of a child is a psychological parting
of ways — a permanent one — from the child who Our parents invested in us during the prime of their
figuratively crouched beneath your apron strings to lives, from the best of their resources, with their
the adult standing tall before you, with his feet firmly lifeblood, unreservedly.
planted in his own life. And this life is one in which
you have no toehold. Combine this ache with the How can we possibly slam the door before our
ache of the physical separation, and the sum total is beloved parents when we embark upon a serious
one significant, challenging, ache. and stressful phase of our lives? How can we
possibly fathom the innermost hearts of our beloved
Fast forward one year or more following the child’s parents who bred us, raised us, and nurtured us
marriage. There is yet no sign of the transformation with boundless dedication? Who brought us to the
from “couple” to “family.” The parents are beginning chuppah and continued to guide and support us?
to get anxious and they are eager to hear an And suddenly when we, their beloved children, face
explanation. Is it a simple one, or is it more complex? a grave challenge, we unceremoniously shut them
Will it be quickly resolved, or will it be prolonged? out of our lives. What are they left with, other than
Has the young couple been given the knowledge and a pounding heart? Because we have chosen not to
advice with which to manage the situation, or are share with them the details of our challenge, what
they spending time, money, and effort for naught? paths we are following to deal with it, or the advice
Remember — this is the couple who barely, if at all, of the doctors.
have the skill to balance their checkbook! And here
they are, with a challenge inflicted upon them that Our parents stand on the side, on the outside,
is in all probability way beyond any other they have watching us from afar. What do they see? They see
dealt with. the couple who have begun to tread — alone — the
road that life has set before them, strewn with
The parents’ stress is, in and of itself, considerable. difficulty. They see, sometimes, our fallen, sad and
But it is magnified twenty-fold by a number of worried faces. And they see, too, that we are slowly,
factors, including the lack of information about what slowly drawing back from the family circle. Worry,
the situation truly is. Add to that the need to stand they have in abundance. Information, none.
only from afar while straining to analyze fragments
of partially informative sentences and slivers of What would they like from us? Not much. A
telling facial expressions… and trying to construe a smidgeon of reassurance, perhaps. A drop of
plausible explanation of what, indeed, is going on. inclusion, perhaps. Some indication that we’re
managing. Not a lot to ask, is it?
Perhaps even more so, the emotional aspect is
daunting. This child — who is beloved beyond words Picture a scene of leave-taking, of parents bidding
to his parents and for whom his parents worried you, their young couple, goodbye as you embark on
through sleepless nights — suddenly allows these a voyage… directly into the heart of a storm-tossed
parents no foothold into his life. He does not place his sea, and in nothing more than a paddleboat. They’re
trust in them, he gives them no opportunity to confer standing on the shore watching the boat get smaller
or to participate in any way in his struggle. This and smaller, they’re waving and asking themselves
behavior is hurtful in the extreme. We, the children, agonizing questions — does the couple know how to
do not have the tools with which to comprehend steer the boat in this storm? Do they have any food,
the gravity of this hurt, and of this insult. For there

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 29

provisions? And what the parents Still, if we try to understand

get in return is nothing but the sight our parents and feel — even

of the boat putting more and more slightly — their pain, we can

distance between you and them. make the effort to minimize

Perhaps you wave, but your backs the distance between us, even

are turned from them. With fear in slightly. We can try to present

their hearts and tears spilling from them with a smiling, happy

their eyes they yearn for some sign, face. We can try to share that

some message, that there is yet life which is reasonable to share.

on that flimsy boat that’s moving We can try to explain that

farther and farther away. which is reasonable to explain.

We can try to reassure them

To Try to Make There are many that we’ve connected with an
Things Easier for aspects that cannot expert or adviser who we are
Our Parents be shared, for any satisfied with. We can try to
include rather than exclude.
Our parents will never be able to
understand our emotions. This is a It's difficult to define
fact. “reasonable” and to outline the
parameters of what to share
Our parents will never know and what not. No two couples
precisely what we are going through. are the same, but between
the two halves of every

This is a fact. number of reasons. couple there must be absolute
agreement. Without this, any
And many times, they don’t know,
or are unsure, how to relate to us And, we must never endeavor undertaken for the
sake of the relationship with
and therefore, many times they say forget that our
or do the “wrong” thing. This is not our parents will undoubtedly
easy for us. And yet, is it humanly
responsibility is to our fail. Having a prominent talmid
possible for someone who has not chacham, who’s respected by
been tested with this challenge, to spouse, with whom both husband and wife and
is available to listen and be
understand someone who is?
we face this sensitive attentive to their nuances, will
Let’s switch places with our help navigate this journey.
parents for a moment. Do we, can challenge.
In this chapter we’ve
we, understand their emotions?
acknowledged the often
What they are going through?
strained relationship between parents and children
How they hurt for the child whom they raised and
as it relates to sharing our struggle. We’ve described
nurtured, in whom they invested themselves and
the areas of difficulty, both from our point of view
their resources, with heart and soul. And this child,
and that of our parents, and we have hopefully
now a married adult, closes the door of his life,
gained insight in understanding theirs. At the least,
himself and his spouse within, and his parents on the
we’ve been comforted knowing that we are not alone,
outside, worriedly looking in.
that this strain is shared by many of us, and that its

True, we can never disclose to our parents all the complexity is undeniable. What we haven’t done is
details of our lives. There are many aspects that offer practical advice or solutions. In subsequent
cannot be shared, for any number of reasons. And, chapters, we hope we will.

we must never forget that our responsibility is to our Further excerpts from this book will be shared in
spouse, with whom we face this sensitive challenge. future issues of Shaarei Tikvah

30 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

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CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 31

| CHIZUK • BY: S. ITZKOWITZ

Once upon before ATIME, They begged, entreated, cried and pleaded
Many generations, eons ago But it seemed like — that was that!
There lived three women Things remained the same
Whose hearts hurt them so. Enveloped in pain and shame
They seemed no closer to their aim.
Their deepest desire was
A precious bundle to hold and stroke, But that was then.
But burning in them like fire
Were dreams gone up in smoke. Today we hear a story
Of their salvation;
They prayed, swayed, and beseeched In retrospect we know them
But their tears seemed to fall flat. As the mothers of our nation.

32 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

Hashem yearned for His tears Although their children
To mingle with theirs They all eventually embraced
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As His elite forebears. They forever retain their place.

After thousands of years Dear fellow ATIME friends,
He still cherishes their tears May you find comforting pleasure
Sarah, Rivka and Rochel, imosainu In the knowledge that as part of the “elite”
Who, if not they, understand our fears? club
You will be forever treasured.

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 33

| CHIZUK • BY: RABBI AHARON LOSCHAK

When professional baseball touch. It’ll come; it’s just a matter of
players start slumping, it's time. There are countless stories to
bad news. They can't hit, they get prove it.
depressed, and pretty soon, they’re benched.
This is a wonderful metaphor for life.
When it happens to the best in the sport, we hear
about how they're “trusting their mechanics” even if Collect Empty Jugs
it's not delivering results. “Trust the process,” they say,
“and it'll eventually bring results.” It’s a fair argument: In the navi, we read about a distraught woman who
After all, the mechanics are still there; it's just a turns to the prophet Elisha crying that her husband
matter of time until they break out. died and she’s destitute. Worse still, creditors are
threatening to kidnap her children as collateral and
And it usually works. she doesn't know what to do.

You see, a player whose swing is off is hopeful The prophet tells her to collect empty pitchers and
and even confident that whatever he’s doing will fill them with the one small jug of oil that she does
eventually bring the results he’s looking for. Day after have. Miraculously, the oil continues pouring until all
day, he accumulates empty at-bats, yet his coach the empty containers fill up. She now has a valuable
(the type that inspires confidence) believes in him and resource, and everyone's happy.
tells him, “Keep doing what you’re doing. Any day now,
you’ll make sweet contact and that ball will pop right And he said, “Borrow vessels for yourself from
off your bat.” outside, from all your neighbors; do not borrow only a
few empty vessels. And you shall come and close the
He’s a professional, after all. He has it in him, and door about yourself and about your sons, and you shall
there’s no reason to assume he’s magically lost his pour upon all these vessels; and the full one you shall
carry away.” 1
1. Malachim 2 4:3:-4.

34 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

When Your Fire Is Lost Trust the Mechanics

The Alter Rebbe sees this as a metaphor for a Like the slumping player, you must trust your

person who used to have a “fire” (the Hebrew word for “mechanics.” You really do have it. You really are

“my husband” can also be read “my fire” “‫)”אישי‬, but someone excited about davening and working on your

now it's dead. emunah. You really do have a passionate marriage and

You know exactly what that’s like. Don’t you love your spouse deeply. You really are changing the
remember when you were young, passionate and world by fixing broken sinks. You gotta believe it.

idealistic? Every new thought, every new experience Ah, but it's not producing results? You're still spacing

was exhilarating and refreshing; you simply couldn’t out while you daven, still finding it hard to trust that

get enough of it. things will get better, still fighting with your wife, and

Don’t you remember when you you still hate the sight of leaking
were young and naïve, and your pipes?

marriage “sparkled?” Everything Keep at it. Trust the process.

was so new and exciting, and Keep adding those containers

you felt as if you had discovered — I don't care if they're empty;

the best thing since sliced bread just keep piling zeros on the

(or perhaps even better)? Your scoreboard. Eventually, you're

relationship was alive, and every gonna break out. You're on

time you looked at your spouse, Keep at it. the cusp. If you stick with
you couldn’t help but think how the process and believe in
lucky you were and how much yourself, the oil will come

richer your life had become. Trust the process. spilling out with abundance.

Or how about the early days Keep adding those Keep praying, trying to put
of your career? Each time you intention into what you’re

entered the office, every time containers — I don't saying. Keep your eyes closed
you got into your truck to start and stick to doing mitzvos,
the day, you felt like you were care if they're empty; even though you no longer
changing the world. You spun
magic, and people adored your just keep piling zeros feel that the heavens are
skills, services or management. on the scoreboard. opening.
Keep bringing flowers

But then you got older, life roughed you up a bit, you home for the weekend, and saying things like, “I see

knew challenge so intimately, and now you're “dead.” something’s bothering you. Would you like to talk

Life is hard, your marriage is monotonous, and your job about it right now, or should we dedicate some time

is a black hole. Things are not only bad, but something later tonight to discuss it in earnest?” You don’t mean

in you is just dead. You drag your feet around and scoff it? Say it anyway (and do it, too!).

at all those young, naïve puppies who think they’re Go to work, and fix yet another broken sink. Remind
making a difference. Who live life with a sparkle of yourself that an entire family is now happy that
hope. “Been there, done that, son. It’s all downhill they can eat with clean dishes again. You don’t care
now.” anymore? All those grumpy clients burned you out?

What to do? How do you drag yourself out of the You’re too cynical to believe it anymore? Say it to

abyss? yourself anyway, and do whatever it takes to convince

“Gather empty containers, and let them be filled yourself that somehow, somewhere, you still believe it.

with the little bit of oil you do have.” Eventually, you'll hit a home run. 2

Originally published on Chabad.org. Copyright and reprinted
with permission

2. T his essay is based on Ma’amarei Admur Hazaken, Haketzarim, p. 136-137 (two versions). Rabbi Aharon Loschak is a writer, editor,
and rabbi, who lives in Brooklyn, N.Y., with his family. Editor of JLI's popular Torah Studies program, he is passionate about teaching
transformational Jewish ideas.

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 35

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN

OEiinngeht

We Are the One in Eight
Trying… crying… dying to conceive a baby. Biological clocks ticking, needles sticking, and we are
left licking our wounds after another… negative.
Many friends are pregnant or have large families. We cry out to humanity that it’s just a fallacy
to relax and we’ll conceive. Oh, the brutalities we face looking for abnormalities through medical
analyses to determine the possibilities of what may be wrong with our bodies.
We are the one in eight
who wait…

and wait…..
and wait…

36 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

Minutes drag like hours. We shy away like cowards to avoid events that
celebrate that which we yearn for and we wait.
We are powerless and our world is colorless when we have so much love to give.
How can we live without a child?
We are the one in eight.
Infertility affects a woman’s ability to fulfill the very essence of what’s the most
natural and womanly thing. Admittedly, she feels less than acceptability within
her circle of friends and even her family because of the possibility that she
cannot create life…

…the thing that her body was created to do!
Each month the reminder of failure doesn’t stop her from being a crusader. We
forge onward against all odds because nothing… not

one
SINGLE
thing in the world is as important to us as family.

We are the one in eight.
A man questions his ability to offer stability for his wife. He is compelled to be
strong for her because she needs him now more than ever. His medical results
are shared clinically and impersonally. He’s reduced statistically. How difficult
this must be.
Infertility takes its toll emotionally,

spiritually…
physically…
financially.

We are the one in eight.

Excerpted from an article by: Sue A. Johnston, author & anthologist

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 37

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: ANONYMOUS

STUCK There you are, all dressed up and ready to attend an
BY THE important affair. You are excited to go and you definitely
want to be on time, even early, if possible. You pack up the
SIDE car, take all your necessary belongings, and you're on your way.
OF THE You drive quickly, keeping up with the hustle and bustle of the
ROAD traffic around you, waving to all your friends along the way who
seem to be going to the same event as you are.

Suddenly your car begins to make strange noises. Smoke
begins to emit from your hood, and you know it's time to pull
over. You shut the engine and try to restart the car. But the car
remains silent. Dead. You begin to get upset; you may even cry
out of sheer anxiety. You may wonder why this happened to you
— out of all the other cars speeding by on the road. You try to
restart your stubborn engine again and again, but it's to no avail.
Whether you like it or not, you're stuck.

As you think about what course of action to take, the other
cars keep driving by, all merrily heading to their destinations.
There are those people who will see you stuck at the side of the
road and ignore you completely, pretending that your problem
doesn't exist. Others will look at you with pitiful glances and
whisper to their friends about how sad it is that your car isn’t
working. Then there are other cars that pause near you for
just enough time to state the obvious: "Oh, wow, you're really

38 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

going to be late!" To You sit down in your praying that the mechanic can help you,
these people you car, head in your that you'll get to the party before it's too

give a tight smile and hands, and the tears late, that you'll get to the party at all.
suppress the tears that were dormant
that are threatening for so long finally You sit down in your car, head in your
to escape with the hands, and the tears that were dormant
realization that you for so long finally begin to escape. You

will not be there with begin to escape. try to remember what kind of person you
everyone else. were before this happened. Were you

really so happily oblivious just a couple

You find your cell of hours ago? You think you'll never stop

phone and begin to call different tow trucks. One crying, and you can't even remember a time when

operator finally says that a truck will be there, but you even believed that you would get to the party,

that it will still take a while. You call Chaverim; they because all you have now are empty hopes and

come and diagnose your car as needing massive worries.

mechanical work. You call your mechanic and explain

to him what needs to be done and ask him how much You finally get to the mechanic, and he desperately

it would all cost. He names a figure that sounds tries to fix your car. His brow is furrowed in

more like a social security number than a sum. Your concentration as he attempts one thing after the

exasperation is obvious, and then when you think it next. As you worriedly look on, you notice through

can't get any worse, you see your friend pass by. You the window that another friend is driving toward the

know for a fact that she left at least two hours after party. You smile and think that at least you won't be

you, but here she is, speeding down the highway the only one who is late. However, your friend laughs

ahead of you. at you and says she's actually going back to the party

for the second time. While you've been trying to get

Just when you think you've had just about enough, your car in working order, people have gone to the

a very well-meaning driver stops to give his "expert party, left and are already going back for the second

opinion" about what the matter with your car is. "Your time, even the third time! You wish you can move on

mechanic doesn't know what he's talking about,” he but all you can do is hope, pray and wait until the

says. “If you press the gas while the air conditioner mechanic will fix your car.

is on and honk the horn for three minutes, breaking

every fifteen seconds, then the car will start." I think we all know this feeling, the painfully

difficult reality of being stuck by the side of the road.

And with complete confidence, he adds, "The same

thing happened to a cousin of mine who was stuck While all of our friends, siblings and neighbors call

like you. This is what he did, and lo and behold, the us to share the news of their latest mazel tovs all

car started within minutes.” You don't know whether we can do is wonder, “Will it ever be my turn? Will I

you should laugh or cry. You look up at him and forever remain stuck at the side of the road, watching

realize he doesn't understand why his phenomenal everyone’s progress, but being unable to travel

advice isn't being received with sincere joy; as far as along?”

he’s concerned, he just gave you the answer to your

prayers. And so, there’s a constant prayer on our lips…

“Please Hashem, let me be zoche to raise one of your

You smile politely and count the seconds until precious neshamos. Please, Hashem, let me get to

he too will speed off and leave you stranded, still the party.”

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL SO LOST, NOT KNOWING THAT
YOU'RE LOST IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 39

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: D. GOLD

ONJEUNSATME

At the doctor, they refer to me by my date of birth.
At a class reunion I’m “the girl without kids.”
At the organization I have a numeric code.
At work I’m the employee with all the time to devote.
At a family simcha the title “nebach” is bold.
At our shul I am recognized as “the young one among the old".
At home I call myself a good wife — that’s what I try to be.
But at heart the title I so wish to receive is MOMMY!

40 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: ELISHEVA M.

Golden lights are sparkling I think of Chana, her seven sons But hope is in our genes
A victor’s merry dance In one day they all were gone Couldn’t shy away from their task
The cozy fire holds us Slaughtered, but really sacrificed For if Hashem so willed it
In a swirling, joyous trance. Precious jewels in the Heavenly crown. He could refill their flask.

The annals of our history Living al Kiddush Hashem Somewhere deep inside me
Our nation through each era Is greater yet, they say Though I feel my strength’s near nil
Have persevered, resistance found But what happened to the conviction There’s a flicker and a dance
Faith can never waiver. That should be in my DNA?! Of hope and iron will.

And yet I sit here — little me The Chashmonaim found a flask I’ll persevere, though pain may tear
Who came after generations A tiny bit of oil to light My heart, and rip asunder
Of strength and toil, pain and gain That spark persisted eight long days My dreams and wishes, crash them down
I’m left with zero patience. Infused such joy into their night. With the deafening roars of thunder.

Each month I wait, anticipate Do you think they thought before they lit Hope somehow seeps through the cracks
Maybe we’ll meet with change Hesitated — contemplated? Though I know not from where
And when it’s over, time and again What they would do on the morrow Keeps me kindling, month by month
Anger, frustration, sadness, rage. When their jug had been depleted? My own candle, shining clear.

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 41

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: ROCHEL LEVINE

It’s the wedding
dress that does
me in.

I bought it second hand, all ivory and
shimmer and dainty patches of lace.

It fits me perfectly, and it’s all ready to
be worn at my sister-in-law’s big event. I
hand-selected this piece because I am not
going to look pathetic. I will look perfectly
put-together, with a new wig and almost new
dress. I will accept all the compliments with
grace, trying to dismiss the nagging thoughts
reminding me that people are fishing for ideas
on how to make me feel good. And you know
what? I would make it easy for them.

42 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

My coworker asks me what I’ll be wearing. She I am shocked even at myself when I slam the
has a wedding too, several weeks later. Can she door shut behind me, and walk right back out into
come try it on? See if she can rent it after I wear it? the rain. I have no choice, because my emotions are
threatening to explode and I can’t have a meltdown
I agree. Her husband brings back the dress. It in front of anyone. Not me, who is always smiling
didn’t look right on her. and strong, and I’m fine, okay? I flick my umbrella
open as I realize the sky has opened up. Torrents of
He’s in a hurry, so he puts it on my porch. rain pour down all sides of my umbrella. I can’t even
She texts to let me know that he put it out, but see the sidewalk. Can’t even see what’s in front of
somewhere between his putting it there and my me.
actually seeing the text and remembering to bring it
in, it had started to rain. Perfect, because a torrent of tears runs down
my face. My body heaves with sobs. But nobody
I run out in a panic when I hear the patter against can see. No one is out in this downpour. And even
my window. The garment bag is wet. I open the if someone is, the steady, windy stream makes
zipper and see that the dress is wet too. It looks like seeing impossible. I walk, step by step, clutching my
it has a water stain. The realization hits me like a umbrella for dear life, letting my tears tumble down
thousand bricks. Not this! I don’t need more stress in in cascades. My body is wracked with the waves of
my life! Please, Hashem! painful emotions that run out through my eyes down
along with the sky’s tears. Surely Hashem is crying
I’m not accepting this well. with me. Surely the sky opened up and I opened up
and we’re crying together. Like this, I cry — audibly
I visit my mother later that evening. I share with — though even I can’t hear because the rain is so
her my dress saga. I’m a little over the edge. A little much louder.
hysterical. No, it’s not the dress. It’s everything that
has led up to this. It’s the stress of having to attend Drenched to the bone and still wracked by tears I
this wedding — smile through the entire week — walk into my apartment, thankful that my husband
when there’s so much pain rolling around inside is not yet home. I continue to sit and cry, tears I’ve
me. It’s the smarting disappointments. The empty held in for too long. Tears I have locked away for
hands. It’s the feeling of being forgotten. Of getting years. Pain long suppressed comes rushing out.
a load of lemons thrown my way and trying to make
lemonade. And I can’t even have a perfect dress! At one point, I head to bed. I don’t know if I cry
Why?! myself to sleep or if I stop before, but at one point, I
awake, and see that a new day had dawned.
My mother, good Jewish woman that she
is, wants to calm me down. She tries to share Through my swollen eyes, I see that the rain has
inspiration she’s heard that day. But I don’t want to dried up. That the puddles I’d sloshed in the night
hear inspiration! I don’t want her to regale me with before have evaporated.
stories of tzaddikim who transcended human nature
and accepted whatever came their way. I do not And I realize that so has that ball of tension that
care today! Today I want to yell and scream. I want has held me hostage for so long.
to protest the unfairness of having a dress that may
come out perfectly clean from the cleaners, but The tears had cleansed me and washed away
also may not. I want to vent the frustration and pain some of the pain.
that has built up over the weeks and the months
and years that preceded this experience. But she’s And feeling twenty pounds lighter, I get ready to
oblivious, my mother. face another day.

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 43

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN

RELATIONSHIP

TRANSFORMATIONS

Sometimes with infertility you feel like you can’t supply was low; much lower than it should have
stop crying over what you’ve lost. Sometimes, been at my age of 35. My undetectable AMH (Anti
though, tears can be the dotted line leading Mullerian Hormone) was also thought to reflect my
to hope, and then unexpectedly a completely new lack of ovarian reserve. My Antral Follicle Count was
clarity on life. also very low.

This is what happened to me It’s difficult I couldn’t control the tears as I
and how I went from a devastating to explain the walked out of his office that day.
infertility diagnosis to discovering Nothing would ever be the same.
so much about myself and how I process of
could learn from what happened going from My husband and I made
to me, particularly with the critical a “regular an appointment with an RE
relationships in my life. person” to (Reproductive Endocrinologist)
an infertility and completed two back-to-back
As for so many who deal with egg retrievals, as time was of the
infertility, my life completely essence with my diagnosis. We
changed with the horrible news retrieved only one egg each time,
I received at my gynecologist's but fortunately had two embryos.
office. The first embryo transfer was

“Your Anti-Mullerian Hormone is patient. unsuccessful and the second
undetectable. You have Diminished resulted in a miscarriage. Months
Ovarian Reserve,” my doctor said. later, my husband and I found
ourselves right back where we

Time stood still. started, with no embryos. Though we weren’t back
where we started emotionally, physically, mentally

He told me I had DOR, meaning my remaining egg or financially; by this time, our souls were crushed
and our hearts were broken. We feared our dream of

44 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

having a family might never come true. Infertility
taught me that
My infertility diagnosis and all that followed, pulled
the foundation of life out from under me. Through even though
my tears, we rebuilt our lives. I am different. My I’m sensitive,
relationships are different. I am not weak.

My Relationship part of me forever.
With Myself
Infertility taught me there are many life elements
Infertility made me a warrior. outside of my control but that I am resilient.
Infertility taught me that even in times of complete
People have called me sensitive many times in my heartache, I can remain hopeful. Infertility taught
life. People don’t equate being sensitive with being me that during test after test and shot after shot, I
strong. Even I didn’t equate being sensitive with am brave. Infertility taught me that even though I’m
being strong. sensitive, I am not weak.

When I received my infertility diagnosis and My Relationship
learned I would need IVF, I wondered if I was strong With My Spouse
enough to get through it.
In an unexpected way, infertility brought my
It’s difficult to explain the process of going from husband and I closer together.
a “regular person” to an infertility patient. As an
infertility patient, you feel like an object being Infertility changed my marriage and my
examined. Any sense of modesty is soon lost. You relationship with my husband.
enter a world of many tests, unknowns and questions
where control and predictable outcomes are Like many newly married couples, we dreamed
impossible. As a type A person who is fairly private, of starting a family right away. The bright lens
this was a definite struggle for me. through which we viewed life was soon shadowed by
something we’d never imagined — the harsh reality
Infertility and going through IVF took control of my of an infertility diagnosis.
life.
Together, we worked our way through my
Endless blood draws, research, shots, pills, feelings of self-blame and my husband’s feelings
vitamins, patches, IVF calendars, RE appointments, of helplessness. The majority of couples never
acupuncture appointments, therapy appointments, face these challenges while trying to have a baby;
naturopath appointments, waiting and more infertility takes an immensely heavy toll on a
waiting, heartache, disappointment, loneliness, marriage.
embarrassment… shame.

Through the darkest days and over time, infertility
taught me things about myself that will remain a

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 45

Though mentally and emotionally depleted, we experience with infertility helped me understand
still showed up for each other every day. We were how to be a better friend when it really matters to
a united team, in it together. My husband remained someone.
100% supportive and by my side at all times, all the
while going through his own grief. Through it all, I My Relationship
learned more about my husband’s ability to love me With My
unconditionally than I ever could have dreamed. Doctors

My Relationship Infertility taught me to be my own advocate.
With My
Friends I used to think of doctors as experts who had my
best interest at heart.
Infertility showed me how to be a better friend.
During each annual exam with my gynecologist
While going through our IVF cycles, my husband in my late 20s to my early 30s, I shared that my
and I reluctantly fell into a new reality: a world of mother had challenges conceiving as well as early
isolation and self-protection. menopause, and I was concerned about what that
would mean for my fertility. My gynecologist told me
Our friends didn’t understand what we were going I wouldn’t know if I had any issues getting pregnant
through and interacting with the outside world until I started trying. She told me she’d just had a
became extremely triggering. It was very difficult for baby at 40 and not to worry.
me to be around children, it was painful to see photos
of other people’s children, and it was unbearably hard Years later I requested my medical records and
to receive news of pregnancies. This type of pain saw the notes she’d made on my chart at each of
is so deep that at times we avoided certain social those appointments. One year: “Questions about
situations as a way of coping. fertility in 30s.” The following year: “Check POF.” The
following year: “Mother had early menopause.”
Many friends didn’t understand what I was going
through and truthfully, they never will. Some of those She dismissed me. She didn’t hear me. She didn’t
individuals are no longer friends. Tough times tend to educate me on my options. She failed me.
draw people closer or create more distance.
I didn’t leave it at that, I gained something from her
As time moved forward, I began to be more mindful letting me down. I learned to be my own advocate,
in how I show up for friends when they are going because no one else will fight for me as strongly and
through tough times in life. Drawing from my own smartly as I can for myself. I now have no hesitation

46 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

respectfully disagreeing with or questioning a doctor, Infertility gave me confidence to tell my story to
getting a second opinion, or changing doctors. help others who will come after me.

This is one of life’s lessons I learned the hard way, I am not the same person I was before my
and it applies not only to infertility but many medical diagnosis, but I am not defined by my diagnosis. I
situations. have taken a disease and turned it into a passion.
My hope is that through advocacy and awareness,
My Relationship infertility will be more openly discussed.

With Other I think back to 35-year-old me, sitting in the
doctor’s office and receiving news that would leave

Infertility me in uncontrollable tears. I wish I could give my
Warriors younger self a long hug and tell her that it won’t be

Infertility introduced me to a easy, but she won’t break.
wonderful circle of friends.
Drawing from I want to tell her that though the
I never thought I could walk my own path will not be as she expects,
into a group of strangers and experience once it becomes clear, she won’t
immediately feel at home. with be able to imagine it any other
infertility way.
Thankfully I connected with helped me
the local infertility support group I want to tell her that she will
in my area. I met women who got understand find and redefine herself and
it, they understood this path. I how to be a her relationships. She will be
met women who I am still friends better friend loved unconditionally, she will
with today, years later. Whether when it really join a support group, she will
it’s in-person, online or both — we use her voice for good, and she
can find these other women and a will grow in more ways than she
place for ourselves. can imagine. She and the people
around her will be better for her
having gone down the hard road.

No one has to suffer through matters to Revised from an article by Julie Marie on
infertility in silence. It’s important someone. pregnantish.com
for all infertility warriors to know
that we are not alone.

---

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 47

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: S.B.

What Does It Feel Like? What does it feel like
To put a smile on your face
As tears run down your heart?

What does it feel like
To play with your friend’s baby
As you yearn for your own?

What does it feel like
To refrain from unburdening to your mother
As she awaits her first grandchild’s impending birth?

What does it feel like
To walk down the street seemingly confidently
As your mind tosses around fears inside?

What does it feel like
To chat about young girls having babies
As you imagine old ladies having their first?

What does it feel like
To know the make and model of every carriage you see
As you wonder, When will I wheel one?

What does it feel like
To watch the figures of newlyweds changing
While you still fit into your sheva brachos outfits?

What does it feel like
To wish people warm mazel tovs
As you wait to be on the receiving end?

What does it feel like
To hear about friends going for scans
As you go too… but for different reasons?

What does it feel like
To know more about conception than your fertile friends do
But never let on how much you know?

What does it feel like?
I’ll tell you…
It feels like me.

48 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN • BY: L.O.

SLeietdtlliengLSMitpMtMyalWeyreAykMosmlWdibeoutYaYrbtefulhoAkedlordrDeueeMayuiMblyenrsCimilo’vynuoodlyjaiilio—umgtvtnlnaslsdiuse,atelneprrtyi,dgrtseendlyoeoeietadeforuhesbtmylttntooutos’ahspvrtfatrruaeeortinlsrovi,e—fdmteuemgshythtoerwo,po,elonhifrgeedaa.srn?md ysowuonrdd.sE?ISvcEeioInFrvnscyoIeinTetprArdehyarTiyasncPeonThodytImlmdObuheeaIwtA’eraaynioIljysoalstsnlepeyithuihefidtrosdereyuoahtunsa,oahfgyooafyeuromolylyhtwdsur,o’oeostyoyul.eyo.dobon.otnuyuuoyutomioat’mgulourlphreefbyttpemi.ege—rcthirniostleeim.z.veee….rance.

IAtIsmnodalaryetebadell.ydYacerotklydo. u’re not alone.

CHANUKAH 5782 | SHAAREI TIKVAH 49

| CHIZUK FROM WITHIN

INMCOTRHMEDAETINBTLE

AN EXPERIENCE ONLY THOSE UNABLE
TO CONCEIVE NATURALLY WILL WITNESS

Prior to my embryo transfer, I listened to a Q&A awesome sense of calm and being in the present is
webinar with Dr. Izquierdo from IVF Spain. One starting to fade as I creep into the dreaded two-week
of the participants asked Dr. Izquierdo if there wait to find out if my precious little embryo took. In

was anything a woman could do on transfer day to fact, I couldn’t be any farther from being “present.” I
enhance her chances of success. He replied that the keep flipping between incredible, glorious thoughts of
most important thing a woman could do on transfer being pregnant, to horrible, heartbreaking thoughts of
day is to be mindfully in the present. After hearing
this, I resolved to do just that. never becoming a mother.

I stopped thinking about tomorrow FOR THE FIRST My journey up until this point has
and focused on the present, and as I TIME ON MY been tough, arduous, emotional and
did, I witnessed the most incredibly JOURNEY, THE expensive, but I’m here, and I worked
wonderful sight I will ever see in my SPACE DIDN’T hard, and there was nothing more
life. that I could do on the day of transfer
other than be in the present.

Now since I am not just human, So, I thought I would share with

FEEL MEDICALbut actually a human being who
happens to be on the IVF roller – IT FELT you, the moment I put a hold on my
coaster, before I tell you about MAGICAL. fears — the only moment throughout
that wonderful moment, I want to my fertility journey that I stopped
stress the following. As I type, that and lived in the moment.

50 SHAAREI TIKVAH | CHANUKAH 5782