Shaarei Tikvah Pesach 5780

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THE KEY THE SPLITTING SHABBOS TEN YEARS OF
TO GEULAH OF THE SEA MOMMY FERTILITY ADVANCES

‫לעילוי נשמת ר' משה בן ר' דוד‬

Main Office: Services

1310 48th Street, Brooklyn, NY 11219 24 Hour Referral Helpline • ATIME Publications • Book & Audio Libraries
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• Mr. Avrum Grunhut • Rabbi Naftuli Weiss

England: Midwest: Board of Directors

42A Lewiston Place E-mail:[email protected] Mr. Naftali Einhorn • Mr. Benyamin Feit • Mr. Shabsi Fuchs
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E-Mail: [email protected] E-mail:[email protected]
Medical Advisory Board
Israel: Florida:
• Samuel D. Bender, M.D. • Alan S. Berkeley, M.D. • Michael Bohrer, M.D.
Phone: 07.32.800.800 305-260-6377 • Jessica R. Brown, MD • Peer Dar, M.D. • Owen K. Davis, M.D. • Tommaso Falcone, M.D.
E-Mail: [email protected] [email protected] • Eric J. Forman, M.D. • Dan E. Goldschlag, M.D. • Marc Goldstein, M.D. • Victor Grazi, M.D.
• Lawrence Grunfeld, M.D. • Joshua M. Hurwitz, M.D. • Nachum M. Katlowitz, M.D.
Belgium: Mid-Atlantic Region: • David L. Keefe, M.D. • Joshua Klein, M.D. • Harry J. Lieman, M.D. • David Lubell, M.D.
• Peter McGovern, M.D. • Thomas A. Molinaro, M.D. • Christine Mullin, M.D.
Phone: +323 500 1075 (410) 394-7074 • Nicole Noyes, M.D. • Steven Palter, M.D. • Samantha M. Pfeifer, MD
E-mail: [email protected] E-Mail: [email protected] • Victor Rosenberg, M.D. • Zev Rosenwaks, M.D. • Eli Rybak, M.D. • Richard T. Scott, MD
Website: www.atime.be Baltimore • Washington • Glenn Schattman, M.D. • Lynn L. Simpson, M.D. • Michael Silverstein, M.D.
Virginia • Delaware • Daniel Salzman, M.D. • Hugh S. Taylor, M.D. • Zev Williams, M.D.

Founder and CEO/Rabbi Shaul Rosen Support Services Advisory Board
President/Mr. Moshe Fischer Program Director/ Sara Barris, Ph.D.

Rabbinical Director/Rabbi Chaim Aron Unger Event Coordinator/Mrs. Miriam Fishoff
Director of Medical Affairs/Rabbi Mordechai Koenig
Mr. Meir Bertram Mrs. Myriam Kalchstein Mrs. Chaya Ostreicher
Director of Member Services/Mrs. Brany Rosen Mrs. Yendelle Roittenberg
Helpline Medical Director/Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz Mrs. Rivky Bertram Mrs. Libby Klein Mrs. Ruchy Rosenfeld
Mrs. Brany Rosen
Secretary of Rav Unger/Mrs. Yehudis Grunwald Mrs. Joy Ehrman Mrs. Yettie Katz Mrs. Sara Selengut
Medical Referrals and Support/Mrs. Simi Hersko Mrs. Feige Singer
Director of Pregnancy Loss Support Program/Mrs. Chumi Friedman Mrs. Rivka Feit Mrs. Shoshana Karasick Mrs. Dassy Stern
Director of Chevra Kadisha Services/Mrs. Simi Hersko
Mrs. Chumie Friedman Mrs. Malky Levine
Event Coordinator/Mrs. Miriam Fishoff
Staff Advisor/Mrs. Blimy Steinberg Mrs. Hindy Dahari Mrs. Miriam Liebermann

Shabbos Near the Hospital Program Coordinators Dr. Neal Goldberg Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz
Mrs. Chaya Kar, Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz
Helpline
Director of Community Affairs/Mr. Alter Katz
Office Manager/Mrs. Chani Kerper • Helpline Director/Rabbi Mordechai Koenig • Medical Director/Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz
• Mrs. Goldie Blum• Mrs. Simi Hersko • Mrs. Rivky Lench • Mrs. Mindy Lowy
Insurance Advocacy/Mrs. Zissy Neustadt • Mrs. Nechumie Lipson • Mrs. Elky Miller• Mrs. Shoshana Mohadeb
Transportation Coordinator/Mrs. Gitty Green •Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz •Mrs. Kim Rothstein• Mrs. Faigy Schneid
• Mrs. Esty Unsdorfer • Mrs. Noami Zupnik• Mrs. Meira Mansour
Library Coordinator/Mrs. Shaindy Blau
Graphic Design/Mrs. Shiffy Litchfield/Mr. Chanoch Glick Pregnancy Loss Helpline

Meals with Heart Coordinator/Mrs. Leah Eisenberg • Mrs. Devorie Berger •Mrs. Yonina Kaufman •Mrs. Esther Moeller
Shasathon Committee/Mr. Mordechai Trieger/Yoel Wexler •Mrs. Rivky Rausman •Mrs. Chaya Yitty Rottenberg •Mrs. Sarah Selengut
•Mrs. Leah Sprei •Mrs. Shaindy Tillim •Mrs. Ziona Webster
Shasathon Director/ Mr. Chaim Fasten
Director of Community Outreach/Mrs. Rochie Cynamon A TIME Medical Supervision (Hashgacha)

R TIME Director/Mrs. Chumie Becker Dean/Rabbi Herschel Ausch • Director/Rabbi Mordechai Koenig
Kol Chaya/ Mr. Yoel Lowy/Mr. Avigdor Follman Associate Director/Rabbi Yosef Moshe Heilpern
Coordinators/Mrs. Henny Frankel/Mrs. Sury Schwartz
Mrs. Mindy Lowy/ Mrs. Leah Schwinder
Chava Program Coordinator/ Ruchie Freilich Mashgichim/Mashgichos

Director of Marketing/Faigy Augenstein • Elana Abadi • Faigy Abowitz • Chavela Adler • Zlatie Benjaminson • Deevi Berman
Director of Volunteers/Mrs. Leah Heller • Hadassah Brown • Eli Brown • Chaya Felzenberg • Efraim Friedman • Moshe Gellis
Helpline/Community Liaison/ Meira Mansour • Miriam Gerstner • Judy Goldberger • Zehava Goldenberg • Esty Goldshmidt • Phyllis Gross
• Miriam Katz • Dianna Keuossous • Shoshy Klein • Shimon Koenig • Chany Kornfeld
Helpline Assistant/ Suri Hertzberg • Frumie Lichtenstein • Mina Majors • Chevy Mandelbaum • Frumie Polatsek • Esther Rosenbaum
Lakewood Office Manager/ Mrs. Suri Perl • Chavi Rosenberg • Sharon Rosenhaus • Penina Rothman • Chaya Yitty Rottenberg
• Rebbetzin Ruttner • Nina Seigal • Mendel Shemtov • Miriam Siegelman • June Silny
SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 A TIME welcomes your signed letters, articles and poems. All • Malky Sperlin • Sharon Stochel • Brynde Storch • Roizy Ullman • Eli Weichbrod
suggestions, comments and constructive criticisms are welcome. All • Shani Weichbrod • Devora Weiss • Esty Wilschanski • Miriam Wulliger
submissions become the property of A TIME and may be edited for
length and clarity. Articles and letters published in A TIME express the
views of the individual writers and may not necessarily represent the

views of A TIME. Please address all correspondence to:

A TIME 1310 48th Street, Suite 406, Brooklyn, NY 11219 Shabbos Near the Hospital
or email: [email protected]
Mrs. Chaya Kar/ Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz •Mrs. Malky Grunberger

A TIME, a non-profit organization that supports and educates those • Mrs. Reizy Eigner • Mrs. Sury Friedman• Mrs. Zissy Muller

in the Jewish community experiencing infertility, publishes this Magazine & Publications
newsletter 4 times annually (April, June, September, and December). Editor in Chief/Mrs. Devoiry Goralnik

A TIME does not assume responsibility for the kashruth or reliability Contributing editors/Mrs. Faigy Mozes • Mrs. Shulamis Krumbein • Mrs. Etti Rafalowitz

of any product or establishment advertised in its pages. We reserve

the right to reject any advertising for any reason. We shall not be held Yiddish Editor/ Mr. Y. Rosenberg • Mr. S. Schlesinger • [email protected]

liable for non-publication of any submitted advertisements. Graphic Design/Mrs. Rivky Herzog • www.ClickItDesign.com

2 Office: A TIME, 1310 48th Street, Suite 406, Brooklyn, NY 11219. IVF Guide Editor in Chief/ Mrs. Leah Eisenberg

TCaobnlteeonfts 16

Editorial Support

Letter From the Founder 5 Watching and Waiting 66
Perfectly Planned 7 The Test 68
Letter From the Editor 8 10 Words 72
Mailbox 10 Big Boys Don't Cry 74

Chizuk 36 Loneliness 76
Too Much Advice 78
The Key to Geulah 12 Medical
The Splitting of the Sea 18
Free From the Bondage of Fate 20
Yetzias Mitzrayim - Exodus 23
Call to Duty 24

Chizuk from 38 10 Years of Fertility Advances 80 SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
Within 115 NYS IVF Coverage 84
Quality Vs Quantity 86
The New Me 26 Foods to Avoid 90
While I'm Waiting 27
Discombobulated 28 Humor
The Special Ingredient 30
Shabbos Mommy 31 Bris Remarks 94
Saved by a Fire Hydrant 32 Cartoon 95
Real Success 34 The IF Quiz 96
It's Okay To Not Be Okay 36 Jokes Only IFers understand 98
Done With Hoping 38
The Clarion Call 40 Yiddish
The Silent Dance 48 Section
Tefillah Blockage 51
ATIMERS on Hold 54 107-152
Please Hold 59
90
Adoption

All in the Family 60

A TIME was founded in memory of:
‫ר׳ ירמי׳ ב״ר אהרן ע״ה • ר׳ מרדכי ע״ה ב״ר אפרים רוזן נ״י‬

3

Building
Families
One Dream
at a Time

Call 212-756-5777 www.rmany.com

Reproductive Medicine Associates of New York
Where Medical Excellence and Compassionate Care Unite

Alan B. Copperman, MD Daniel E. Stein, MD Beth A. McAvey, MD
Lawrence Grunfeld, MD Eric Flisser, MD Kimberley A. Thornton, MD
Tanmoy Mukherjee, MD
Benjamin Sandler, MD Joseph B. Davis, DO Jovana Lekovich, MD
Jeffrey Klein, MD Natan Bar-Chama, MD

Matthew A. Lederman, MD

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 Eastside Westside Downtown Brooklyn Long Island Westchester

635 Madison Avenue 200 W 57th Street 594 Broadway 26 Court Street 400 Garden City Plaza 311 North Street
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@RMAofNY4 The Division of Reproductive Endocrinology
and Infertility at Mount Sinai Hospital

Leter from the Founder
Dear
Friends, The coronavirus taught the world a lesson we
know so well: the greatness of a Higher Power.
I am writing this timeline in quarantine. Every guide to surviving the crisis mentioned
This is not what I thought I would be prayer. Prayer and surrender to a Great G-d
that controls the world with every minute
doing Erev Pesach this year. detail.
We think we are in control and in Here at A TIME we are so worried about all of
charge, but it is merely an illusion. you.
There are forces that are beyond It was so hard to share with you that the
our control. IVF centers are closed. So many of you were
devastated with the news of cycles suddenly
As 2020 began, we may have felt like stopped when they looked so hopeful. Some of
we were on solid ground. In early March you looked toward Pesach with hope, pictured
all that changed. good news, only for things to be put on hold.
The coronavirus that was mainly Indefinitely.
inflicting China began to rapidly spread And there is so little we can do right now.
to countries across the world, including But we can daven….
the U.S. Within a few days, almost Across the world, everyone is davening, because
the truth is that without a vaccine and any
everything was closed down. better advice than staying vigilant and washing
I realized that the solid ground we our hands, we have nowhere else to turn but to
walk on is an illusion. There is a our Creator.
"…My help will come from Hashem, Creator
superior Omnipotent Force who created the of Heaven and Earth” (Tehillim 121: 1-2).
ground we walk on and gives us life, health and This magazine, brought to you with so
wealth. much love and caring, comes to you at
It is so clear that Hashem is in control. the time of Yetzias Mitzrayim. May all of
We also see this so vividly with fertility. There us experience a complete redemption this
is no doctor, clinic or center that can tell a Pesach.
woman she is expecting; this is a key that only You are not alone.
Hashem has. Just like the key of rain.
Our mashgichim in the labs often share how Here for you,
touched they are when a tiny embryo, not
visible to the human eye, is magnified on a Brany Rosen
screen. Without a microscope it is impossible
to see this incredible beginning of life. Some of
the mashgichim share that this brings them to
tears. A very powerful reminder of Hashem's
greatness.

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780When you order
hashgacha, we will
register you for a gourmet
meal delivered to your
home post-retrieval.
It’s our way of saying,
“We care!”
Because we really do.

‫לע“נ ר‘ ישעי בן ר‘ משה זי“ע מקערעסטיר‬
Available in many areas.

6

Perfectly
Planned

By: F. Mozes But the One Above,
Had this all
Perfect plans Perfectly Planned.
Were set in place, From His viewpoint,
Wedding dates confirmed, The perfect date
Routines established, For each event
Flights booked, Had not arrived.
Cycles scheduled. The perfect time
For each cycle
But then came Corona... Had not come.
Weddings postponed,
Routines disrupted, Lovingly,
Flights non-existent, He looks
Cycles canceled. At each of us
And says,
Disappointments, My child,
Letdowns, Up here,
Worries, There is
Uncertainties, No confusion,
Disorder, No chaos,
Chaos. No cancellations.
For only I know
The perfect time SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
For everything,
And all is
Perfectly planned.

7

Letter from the Editor

Dear
Readers

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 There’s nothing quite like taking a A missed window of opportunity, a wetter
bite into that first piece of matzah. season, a hotter season... success depends
You recite the bracha of al achilas on so many factors.
matzah and — ah! — the taste of freedom
transports you back to the time of our Isn't this reminiscent of a process we so
nation's greatest yeshuah, so many years intimately know?
ago.
And yet, Matzah zeh she’anu ochlin, this
This matzah, the bread of affliction, humble matzah, the product of endless la-
has had quite a journey. It was harvested bor, toil, patience — and often, failure — al
months ago, its production having started shum mah? What does it symbolize? Chipa-
over two years before. zon, salvation in an instant. A redemption
so sudden that there was no time for even
The wheat earmarked for matzah is the dough to rise. The emunah of an entire
precious. The timing of planting must be nation relying on Hashem to sustain them
perfect. The moisture content at the ideal in the desert, as they each carried with
level. Harvest too early, and you'll have them just a mere piece of dough.
rendered the grain unusable. Harvest too
late, and the yield can bloom and turn into No matter the wait, the failure, the toil
chometz while still attached to the ground. — salvation, in its many forms, can come
The process involves months of toiling and from one second to the next. Let us hold
precise measure. Months of waiting for this message within us, as we allow our
the exact moment, hours of patience and emunah to carry us through the deserts of
deliberate work. our times.

Each year, entire batches of wheat just Wishing you a truly enjoyable Pesach!
don’t make it. At times, entire fields bear
fruit, but the end result is close to nothing. The Editors

8

BuolA!eeapnTvtdIteeMahnstEtetesd

Eemvaeinl [email protected]

Call 215 ,718-686-8912

ext

Text

F"aotlilmoewev" ents
to 40404

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

9

Editorial Mail Box Hi Brany,

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ TISHREI 577910 As I reflect on the amazing experience of the
Shabbaton, I have so much appreciation and want to
thank you for this “meshugene idea!”

Last year I arrived as a newbie and was blown away
at the new world I had just entered. The tremendous
chizuk I received at the Shabbos lasted me through
the whole year.

This year I came with “experience” and having felt so
confident and strong, I was able to give to others and
validate their feelings. It was a major revelation!

Since A TIME focuses on so much positivity, I am
able to joke about the incidents and comments that
“tickle” me along the way! With laughter we survive,
and iy”H move on!!

A TIME brings out the best in oneself through ways
one could have never imagined!

Thank you so much and may you continue to help
others shine along their journey!

All the best,
S.T.

Hi Vivienne,

I just wanted to drop a line to say how verwhelming
you all are in the best possible way. Besides for the
chesed of arranging all the technical details, the
encouragement, care and concern that you all show
makes this process feel positive and normal, and
even engenders some excitement for doing the right
thing.
I went to Elky Miller on your suggestions. She’s
incredible! So empowering and just what I needed to
get started with all this.
Only Hashem can repay your kindness and
compassion — and He will! With a shefa of bracha
and hatzlacha for all involved in this amazing
organization. Thank you so much!

Grateful

To My A TIME Family, Henny Frankel and supervision staff for being SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
there for us, time and time again, last-minute
One step must start each journey… or whenever it should be, with so much
One word can frame a goal… dedication. And it always just worked out so
One hope can raise spirits… perfectly!
One smile can lift a soul…
One blink can show you care… Rabbi Koenig for being there for us from the
One person can make a difference… beginning, guiding us, calming our fears and
One heart can know what’s true… always being there for anything we needed!
Dear A TIME staff, it was all you!
You were the ones who helped us ride on the right train… Vivienne and other A TIME staff for the
You were the ones to infuse hope… Shabbasim near the hospital. Friday afternoon
Your constant smile always helped us cope… — it was never too late to ask! It was all
Your compassionate care… forever there… arranged, and with the most amazing package!
It was your heart that truly felt ours… We felt the care and heart in every bite!
You indeed made a difference in every way!
Only Hashem can fully repay!! The Shabbatons and events were a lifesaver!
We wish you lots of mazel, bracha and hatzlacha, When everything seemed to go wrong and we
You should be further zoche to enlighten and assist those wanted to fall apart, we had something to look
in need! out for! The programs, food, support and the
many friends we made...
A Thankful Couple
The magazines, the helpline, the retrieval
Dear A TIME, packages, the suppers, the insurance advocacy
that kept saving us thousands of dollars, the
In the past few years, A TIME was our life! You helped us forums with so much info and support, the
create the memories of our journey so they should be IVF guide when we started out, the staff we
filled not only with pain, but also with many wonderful knew, and the ones behind the scenes — and
moments and inspiration. We have no words to thank you mainly the attitude that came with all of them!
for all you did for us! You always managed to make us feel like we
were on the giving end by letting A TIME
Rabbi and Mrs. Rosen, for this most wonderful help us, which made us feel so welcome and
organization, for all the programs and services — each one comfortable to ask and reach out for anything!!
of them was a lifesaver at the time we needed it — and for When we kept going from one doctor to the
making sure we never feel alone! next and nothing seemed to work, it was the A
TIME staff that was there with us, with all their
Rabbi Unger for being there for us every time of the year, heart, and that helped us pick ourselves up
every time of the day or night to help us out in every possible once again and keep trying!
way with such mesiras nefesh, for holding our hands, always
with the right words, and not ever let us give up, regardless of We would not have been here today without A
what the doctors said or what the chances were! TIME. The zechusim are yours. It is impossible
to thank you enough for all you did! We
are davening to Hashem Who knows and
remembers it all, to give you koach to continue
with your great deeds, to bentch you, and
repay you with everything you might need!

The H’s

11

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780Chizuk SEASONAL
THOUGHTS

PESACH 5780

12

By: Y. Roitenbarg

Escape rooms have become a great form of team and tzar (‫)צר‬, which means confined and narrowed in. Any

entertainment. The world over, people pay to be locked time a Yid finds himself detained or with restraints, he is in

into a room from which they have to work their way out. his own personal Mitzrayim — shackled in metzorim.

Inside a themed room, between the furniture, furnishings, In the pages of the Haggadah we read about and relive

moldings and miscellanea, all sorts of clues are hidden.
The participating players have just one hour in which to the excruciating years of torment and exile in Mitzrayim.
The Haggadah begins with us
decipher messages, crack codes and solve
reciting the fifteen stages of kadesh,
puzzles. The aim of the game is to explore
WE EQUATE WITH urchatz, karpas, yachatz, maggid…..
the site, find the numerous mystifying THE FACT THAT through to the final stages, hallel
hints on the premises, and resolve the and nirtzah. These fifteen steps
many perplexing clues, so as to
from slavery to freedom, from tears
successfully exit the locked room before IN LIFE to song, from yagon lesimcha are
the allotted time is up. called simanim — signs. The theme

In real life too, we sometimes feel NOT ALL IS of the night is emunah, and these
locked, not in a room, but trapped in a are our clues. They teach us that
challenging circumstance. We look for even in the most bitter of exiles, in

clues, explore our options, hold tightly EQUAL, the most traumatic circumstances,
onto our siddurim and search for others when we find ourselves locked in
who can help us navigate our way out of the confines of unbearable

the confusing maze. In real life, though, THERE ARE WHOLE challenges, to hold on with
this is not merely a stimulating activity, steadfast hope and courage. Just as

nor is it over after an hour; it is enormously then, when the Yidden were in dire
straits and endured extreme
PIECES AND BROKENchallenging. Locked in pain, blocked in a

difficult place, wedged in complicated PIECES, THERE ARE suffering, yet ultimately there was a
situations, stuck in conditions we never yeshuah and they reached the

envisaged, we desperately yearn to find stages of song and praise, so too
when we feel interned in oppressive
BIGGER PIECES ANDour way out.

If we are looking for clues on how to SMALLER PIECES, AND situations we should hold on with
break free from the confines, the place to THERE ARE THE PIECES stalwart faith and belief. Hashem
turn to is the Haggadah Shel Pesach. The Who freed us then can release us
Yidden were imprisoned in Mitzrayim, OF THE PUZZLE THAT and unlock the chains that bind us
where they slave labored for 210 long, now.

agonizing years. Mercilessly beaten, they WE CANNOT FIGURE Leil HaSeder is the night of SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
cried in despair. Physically, spiritually and OUT OR PLACE UNTIL emunah, and the first and foremost
emotionally afflicted, they were enslaved message it delivers is that even if
by a cruel king who refused to release MUCH LATER ON. now it appears as though we are
them. The name Mitzrayim (‫)מצרים‬ stuck, we must trust that we can

comes from the root word meitzar (‫)מיצר‬ be liberated from whatever it is

13

that cages us in and there can be a sudden and swift redemption. The letter dalet (‫)ד‬, the fourth letter in the
exodus. We might have to decode some of the messages in Hebrew alphabet, is connected to the word delet, which
order to access that faith, but certainly a fundamental means door. It is also connected to the word dal — a poor
lesson of Seder night is that there is an exit door and no person. An impoverished man knocks on doors and begs
room for despair. for means. When we feel deprived or desperate for
something, Hashem wants us to plead and come
The ke’arah positioned at the center of the table with hammering on His doors. Once we call out and enter
Hashem’s chamber, then He lifts us up and out of the
its display of symbolic food items conveys this message pressing circumstance. The Hebrew word dilisani (‫)דיליתני‬
means to raise up and is also linked to the word delet (‫)דלת‬
to us. The egg symbolizes mourning; the karpas later — door. When we feel we are lacking something it is not
because Hashem wants to deprive us. Rather, the
dipped into salt water and the maror evoke feelings of deficiency comes because He yearns for our connection.
His intent is to raise us and bring us to higher levels of
pain, as we think of the suffering and bitter times, faith.

both past and present. The bone arouses thoughts The number four is obviously also connected to our four
matriarchs Sara, Rivka, Rochel and Leah who were all
of the Korban Pesach brought in the times of the barren. Even Leah, who was blessed with children,
struggled with the pain of secondary infertility. Our
Bais Hamikdash, inducing us to yearn and imahos had to cry, plead and beg for children. We can
identify with each one’s agony and with Rochel’s anguished
hope that, soon again, venochal sham min cry of “havah li banim, ve’im ayin meisah anochi.” Our
excruciating pain is all the more acute on Seder night,
hazevochim umin hapesochim. The sweet when the time and setting predominantly focus on passing
on our heritage m’dor l’dor. On this night children question
charoses eaten with the bitter, sharp-tasting their fathers about the unusual customs, and fathers are
instructed to explain and give their children clear answers.
maror, as part of the korech sandwich, is a In this frame and atmosphere, our deep pain surfaces and
we might query our Father about our unbearable status:
sort of lead or clue signifying that lives so very different than we ever envisioned. In our
impoverished state and at this opportune time, we
even if we are jammed in bitter times, desperately and tearfully bang on Hashem’s door,
beseeching Him to remember us just as He remembered
and our present situation feels our matriarchs. For Hashem no doors are ever firmly
sealed or securely locked, He can open doors and He can
MATZAH intolerable, it can change for the open wombs, as it says; vayiftach es rachmoh. Just as He
better. remembered our imahos and opened their wombs so we
IS THE plead that He should swing open doors of salvation for
BREAD We proceed with Kadesh, each of us.
drink the first of four cups of
wine, which is not the only It is incredibly tough to hold on with indefinite faith and
endless patience. We feel broken like the matzah of
foursome on this night of yachatz. Dispirited, we cannot imagine how our broken
hearts can be fixed or what we can achieve with our
OF FAITH, fours. There are four brokenness. The broken matzah is another symbol,
imparting a profound message. This matzah broken into
AND SPECIFICALLY questions, four

expressions of geulah,

four sons, all

demonstrating that the

IN ITS BROKENNESS number four is very
significant and holds

IT TEACHES US THAT yet another
hidden but

THE ONLY WAY TO GET very relevant
message with

THROUGH THE COMPLEX regards
to

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 PIECES OF LIFE IS TO

HOLD ON WITH HOPE AND

ABSOLUTE TRUST

14

NOITTHHIENAVGPEPRINEYNLSIFFEOJRUUSS.TEVHERAPPENS TOtwo pieces will not be used until much

DIFFIC Y DISA US.later on in the seder. It is taken out only to
ULTY AND PPOINTMbe broken, after which the smaller piece is
HE EVERY ENT,returned to the ke’arah alongside the two whole
LPS TO CLOSED Dmatzos, and the larger piece is hidden away to be used for

MA OORafikoman. How well we can relate to these broken pieces.
KE USWe equate with the fact that in life not all is equal — there

WH INTOare whole pieces and broken pieces, there are bigger pieces
O Wand smaller pieces, and there are the pieces of the puzzle
E ARthat we cannot figure out or place until much later on.
E.Matzah is the bread of faith, and specifically in its
Nothing
in life just
happens to us. It
happens for us. Every
disappointment, every difficulty

brokenness it teaches us that the only way to get through and every closed door helps to make

the complex pieces of life is to hold on with hope and us into who we are. Every drop of pain is

absolute trust. Our dreams might be shattered, our hearts measured and valued, and as the Haggadah tells

might be fragmented in pain, but our brokenness is not in us in reference to the years of enslavement in Mitzrayim,

vain. “Hu chishav es haketz” — Hakodosh Baruch Hu reckoned

A few weeks ago, as I was unlocking our front door precisely when the final moment of yeshuah would come.
something unusual occurred. I was still in the process of The Yidden suffered for 210 long, unbearable years in
turning the key in the lock, when to my surprise, I found Mitzrayim. Originally they were meant to be slaves for 400
that it was already out of the lock and in my hand. Actually, years, but Hashem deducted 190 years. The Hebrew word
only part of the key was in my hand — the other half had ketz (‫)קץ‬, which means end has the numerical value of
remained stuck in the door, leaving me locked outside. 190, signifying that Hashem calculated the end and
Neighbors offered assistance and brought pincers and tiny brought the redemption 190 years earlier. Why were
scissors, so as to try to extract the broken piece wedged in specifically 190 years deducted? The word ‫ קץ‬is comprised
the lock. I knew if I could just get the broken piece out, I of two letters: ‫ק‬, which equals 100, and ‫ץ‬, which has the
would be able to open the door with another key. However, numerical value of 90. Hashem recalled Avraham and
after numerous suggestions but only failed attempts, there Sarah and their many years of immense pain and suffering
was no choice but to call a locksmith. He, too, could not while waiting for a child. Avraham Avinu waited and cried
extricate the small piece stuck in the lock, but by using the until he was a hundred years old and Sarah Imeinu pleaded
and wept until age ninety before Yitzchak was born. Their
broken top half of the key, he managed to turn the broken waiting, agony, faith, endurance and fortitude reduced the
piece that was stuck inside the lock. Once the door was years of suffering in Mitzrayim and hastened the
open, he dismantled the lock from the door and removed redemption. How encouraging it is to consider that
the broken piece from within.
suffering is never in vain. Although it hurts and feels as

There was lost time and a hefty sum to pay the locksmith, though it is impeding us, in reality it might be speeding
but there was also a great lesson to take away from this things up for us.

incident. Interestingly, the locksmith actually opened the As we grope in the dark and stand behind barred doors,

door using none other than the broken key. The broken it is hard to feel upbeat, but recognizing that times of

key, the cause of much delay, frustration and expense was plight actually expedite the salvation and bring us light

actually instrumental in opening that locked door. At can help us to maintain faith and strength. Sometimes, SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

times we feel broken and disheartened; we speculate when when knocking on a door, while waiting for it to be

the pain will end, how it will end and wonder what our opened, a small light is visible through the peephole. The

trials accomplish. Our broken hearts are much like the moment the peephole darkens, we know that someone is

broken key. The difficulties and setbacks, the pressures looking through from the other side of the door. When we

that break us, might in reality be opening doors for us. are crying in pain, storming the heavens and banging on

15

Hashem’s doors, hard place. We try to keep our tears from
streaming and our heartbreak concealed, like
when it appears to be the broken matzah hidden for tzafun.
Desperate to be extricated from our isolating
bleak and dark, it and confining circumstances, we endeavor to
remain composed. We concentrate on all the
means Hashem is symbols and signs, trying to decipher and
absorb the messages that Pesach
looking through the communicates. The very name Pesach reminds
us that Hashem told the Yidden to smear
peephole. He is blood from the Korban Pesach onto their
doorposts and then, vayehi b’chatzi halaylah, in
observing our pain, and the middle of the darkest of nights and deepest
of pain, Hashem jumped over the houses of
at any second He can Klal Yisroel and brought them out from the
metzorim, the dire straits and shackles of
swing open the door, Mitzrayim. In sudden swiftness, He brought
about the most miraculous delivery.
liberate us and bring us
Just as Hashem instructed the Yidden to put
the yeshuos we await. blood as a sign on their doorposts, so too He
sees our blood, sweat and tears, and all of our
Matzah the bread of faith efforts to rise above our pain and celebrate
yom tov. No pain is in vain, every tear is
conveys the message that measured, our endurance is treasured and
every iota of suffering is calculated and
Hashem does not require influences the timing of our deliverance.
Hashem took us from Mitzrayim ,‫ִמּיָגון ְלׂ ִש ְמ ָחה‬
any time to prepare, but ‫ּ ָגדול‬. ‫ ּו ֵמ ֲא ֵפ ָלה ְלאור‬,‫ ּו ֵמ ֵא ֶבל ְליום טוב‬He freed us
then from our strife and plight, and He can
can save us in an instant. He lead each of us now to a life of light.

WE ARE LIKE THE can turn everything around We were taken out of Egypt; ,‫לא ַעל יְ ֵדי ַמ ְל ָאְך‬
KORECH SANDWICH, and can open doors to ‫ ֶאּ ָלא ַהּ ָקדוׁש ּ ָברּוְך‬,‫ ְולא ַעל יְ ֵדי ׁ ָש ִלי ַח‬,‫ְולא ַעל יְ ֵדי ׂ ָש ָרף‬
geulah in a moment, so we ‫הּוא ּ ִב ְכבודו ּו ְב ַע ְצמו‬.
should never relinquish hope.
Only Hashem holds the key to salvation —
JAMMED BETWEEN A Life is not an escape room or ‫ּ ִכי ּ ְבח ֹזֶק יָד הֹו ִציָאנּו ד' ִמּ ִמ ְצ ָריִם‬. However, our faith
is a key ingredient affecting the yeshuah. On
ROCK AND A HARD some thrilling game, however, this night of solid emunah, when puzzled
PLACE. WE TRY TO children query their fathers and ask for
KEEP OUR TEARS adopting this outlook is an perplexities to be resolved, we faithfully turn to
our Father in Heaven asking Him to answer all
absolute game-changer. of our requests, hopeful that He will use His
master key to hasten all yeshuos:
Acknowledging this concept
‫• ִּכי ִליׁשּו ָע ְתָך ִקוינּו ָּכל ַהּיֹום‬
enables us to sing a jubilant,
Y.R. ©
FROM STREAMING wholehearted Hallel even when
AND OUR we are brokenhearted and dealing
with maror — bitter times. In the

HEARTBREAK face of adversity, we trust that the
CONCEALED, bitter can become better and that
situations can be transformed
instantaneously. We believe our

LIKE THE tribulations help to unlock the
BROKEN combination lock, and assist in
MATZAH leading us toward geulah.

As we sit down to celebrate Pesach,
a yom tov so family oriented, we want
to feel the joy of liberation, but instead
we feel stifled. All around, children

HIDDEN eagerly await their turn to melodiously
ask the four questions and anticipate
the moment when they will sneak away

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 FOR with that prized piece of hidden matzah.
The atmosphere is electrifying, but with
TZAFUN. no one to ask us the Mah Nishtanah and
no one to take our afikoman, our pain is as
sharp as the maror. We are like the korech

sandwich, jammed between a rock and a

16

Erev Rosh Chodesh Nisan POSTSCRIPT

My very dearest and precious ADDED ON
A TIME friends, ‫לאי"ט‬, AS WE GO
TO PRINT
I wrote this article before anyone could
have imagined that globally, a huge part of the
world and Klal Yisroel would be locked behind
sealed borders and closed doors. We stand
together, but each one is alone, isolated and in
deep contemplation, as we face a pandemic of
such enormity that it can only come from ‫ָה ֵקל‬
‫ ַהּ ֶמ ֶלְך ַהּ ָגדֹול ַהּ ִגּבור ְו ַהּנֹו ָרא‬. And only He, the ‫ּפֹו ֵת ַח‬
‫ׁ ְש ָע ִרים‬, with His master key can open those
locked doors to yeshuah;‫ּו ִמּ ַב ְל ָע ֶדיָך ֵאין ָלנּו ֶמ ֶלְך‬
‫ּגֹו ֵאל ּומֹוׁ ִשי ַע‬.

In Hebrew, the word quarantine is ‫בידוד‬,
which has the numerical value of 26 — the
same gematriya as Yud Keh Vav Keh, which is
Hashem’s Name of rachamim — mercy.
Hashem is our Av Harachaman, even when we
don’t understand His intricate Master Plan. He
is shaking us, but at the same time, He is
holding us in His Hands and we must hold

tightly onto Him, with absolute
emunah and bitachon.

Davening tearfully with you, for
you, for all of us and for ‫ַא ֵחינּו ּ ָכל ּ ֵבית‬
‫יִׂ ְש ָר ֵאל‬, pleading and hoping that
He will bring us all ‫ּ ְבׂשּורֹות טֹובֹות‬,
‫יְׁשּועֹות ְונֶ ָחמֹות ּ ְב ָקרֹוב‬

Y.R.

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

17

Chizuk

18
SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

By: Ettel Reznitzky

They’re standing in front of the Hashem will fight for you, and you
Yam Suf. The Mitzriyim are shall remain silent. Sometimes you
charging after them. The waves of the need to quiet all the negative voices
water are swelling before them. There’s inside you. All the voices that say,
nowhere to go. There is no possible “Give up; it’s impossible. There’s no
solution to their problem. solution. It didn’t work before; it won’t
work again.” Sometimes you need
Why, Moshe Rabbeinu, did you bring to be quiet and let Hashem fight the
us here? To die? Why did you bring us battles for you.
to hope that we’ll have a yeshuah just
to have our hopes dashed? Hashem YOU DON’T
then spoke HAVE TO
There’s no possible way of escape; all to Moshe KNOW HOW
roads are closed. Rabbeinu and IT WILL
said, HAPPEN.
Moshe Rabbeinu strengthened them YOU’RE NOT
and said, ,‫"מה תצעק אלי‬ EXPECTED
‫דבר אל בני‬ TO FIGURE
"‫ התיצבו וראו את ישועת ה‬,‫"אל תיראו‬ "‫ישראל ויסעו‬ OUT THE

Don’t worry, stand up, and you’ll see Why do you
the salvation of Hashem. You don’t cry out to Me?
have to know how it will happen. Speak to Bnei
You’re not expected to figure out the Yisrael and let
solution. Just stop and wait, and you them continue
will see miracles beyond what you to travel!
ever hoped or dreamed.
What? SOLUTION.
He continued and said, Continue to

‫ לא‬,‫"כי כאשר ראיתם את מצרים היום‬ travel? The
"‫תוסיפו לראותם עוד עד עולם‬
sea is in front of them, the Mitzriyim
The way you see the Mitzriyim today,
you will not see them ever again! behind them — where are they
You will look back and think back
and remember when you thought supposed to travel? Where should
that there was no solution, and you
will realize that Hashem was pulling they go? Rashi then explains, “There
the strings all along. You will realize
that the impossible is possible when is nothing for them to do but travel,
Hashem is running the show.
because the sea is not a barrier before
He then told them,
them.”
"‫"ה' ילחם לכם ואתם תחרישון‬
With Hashem in control, fighting your SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
battles, even the great, huge waters
of the Yam Suf do not stand as a
barrier. With Hashem fighting for you,
nothing is impossible and anything
can happen. •

19

Chizuk

FREE FROM THE
BONDAGE OF FATE

How Torah liberated humankind

By: Tzvi Freeman

Once upon a time, time was round. Then somehow fall. Why the fall? Because, they said, that’s when the cycle
we straightened it out, put an arrow on the end and of nature began. Hashem set the world spinning on the

took it for a ride. But every first day of the autumn month of

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 schoolchild knows that to flatten a Tishrei, and it’s been twirling around
circle you need an infinite
calculation of the irrational π (pi). IF SO, WE ARE in a yearly cycle ever since.
Turns out, when you flatten a circle, NOT JUST TO Then came the Yetzias Mitzrayim
something infinite appears.
and a new beginning. That’s when
Now let me tell you how it
KEEP A CYCLE. Hashem spoke to Moshe and told
WE ARE TO him, “Moshe, I have a mitzvah for
happened. You see, our ancestors you. The very first mitzvah that I
will be commanding the children
DETERMINE IT.counted their days beginning in the

20

NOT JUST
BECAUSE THE
of Israel. From now on, you are SIMPLE SERF I’m leaving it up to you.”
to start the year in this month COULD CRY TO
of the spring, the month in THE MASTER OF So we decided that once
which I will redeem you from in a while we’ll add another
Mitzrayim.” month to the year, so as to push
Pesach back into its place in

So the first day of Tishrei the spring. When is that once
remained the head of all the
days of the year, but Nissan, in THE UNIVERSE AS in a while? Whenever we —
HIS OWN FATHER, i.e., the Jewish supreme court,
the spring, became the head of AND THE LAWS which represents the people —
all the months of the year. determine.2
OF NATURE
Sounds simple enough. But WOULD BE All the heavenly court come

there was a slight complication: to the Holy One, blessed be

“And Moshe, you are to count BROKEN FOR HIM. He, and they ask, “When is
your calendar by the phases of BUT BECAUSE Rosh Chodesh? When is Yom
the moon. When the new moon HUMANITY WAS Kippur?” So He answers them,
first appears in the sky, that is “Why are you coming to me,
the beginning of each month.” LIFTED OUTSIDE when I have already placed this
AND BEYOND in the hands of the children of
Problem is, moon years don’t THE CIRCLE, Israel? Let us all go to the earthly
match solar years — they’re off NO LONGER court and see what they have
by about eleven days, plus. Yet determined.”3
Hashem provided no further
instruction. If that sounds trivial, think of
the context: You’re in Ancient
ENSLAVED TO
“Measuring the years Egypt. As in all the rest of that

according to the cycle of the THE TYRANNICAL world, you look up to the
moon instead of the cycle of stars, and they determine your
MILLSTONE OF fate. The cycles of nature, the
the sun,” wrote Rabbi Avraham THE GODS OF flooding of the Nile, the growth
ibn Ezra in the 12th century, “is of your crops, the fertility of
not just a matter of following
NATURE, TIME your womb, all are determined
a different cycle. The Muslims AND FATE. by the predictable movements
also follow a cycle of the moon, of the constellations. So it was
so that 34 lunar years will
in Mitzrayim, so too in the
complete in 33 solar years. But
civilization of Sumer from which
we were also told to keep the
Avraham Avinu came, so it was for the wise men of India,
first month, with Pesach always in the spring. If so, we are
for the sages of the Tao, the I Ching, for every system of
not just to keep a cycle. We are to determine it.”1
wisdom prior to Torah. Each man is born into his caste,

In other words, according to Rabbi ibn Ezra, if Moshe his station and fate in life, all sealed by karma/matta/

had asked Hashem how exactly are we to solve this cosmos since the beginning of time. Even the gods stand

puzzle, Hashem would have replied, “That’s just the point: beneath that great cycle of being in the grand pyramid of

1. Ibn Ezra, Exodus 12:2. SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
2. See Mishneh Torah, Hil. Kiddush Hachodesh 2:8: “It is not the sighting of the moon that establishes the new month,

but the act of Beit Din saying mekudash(‘sanctified’).”
3. Yalkut Shimoni, Psalms 81.

21

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 life. The Great Wheel of Life turns and turns, indifferent When He Who Transcends All Time and Space wrested
to human endeavor or aspirations, chanting, “. . . the life us out of the bonds of Egyptian slavery, toppling its
of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so pyramid of social caste and shattering its concept of
it is in everything where power moves.”4 “Whatever was naturalistic determinism, it was then that freedom first
will be and what will be already was, for nothing is new entered the world. If anywhere today human beings strive
under the sun.”5 And if so, “what advantage could there for a better world, their story begins with that Exodus.
be to all the striving of man?”6 Not just because slaves were freed. Not just because the
simple serf could cry to the Master of the Universe as
And now, whammo: Out of the circle and into the his own Father, and the laws of nature would be broken
pilot’s seat. for him. But because humanity was lifted outside and
beyond the circle, no longer enslaved to the tyrannical
No longer does the Cycle of Time rule over us. Now we millstone of the gods of Nature, Time and Fate.
are free. Now we are to determine Time.
It was then that sentient life on earth was empowered
This is our very first mitzvah, the proto-mitzvah of all and told, “Take your destiny in your hands. Go forward.
others. Not a command to obey like robots, but to take If this is not a world with which you can make peace,
charge of our own world. A command that liberates and change it, make it so. If you find suffering, banish it. If
empowers. A command to break the chains of fate and your karma stinks, get past it. Never be satisfied. Be not
hold Destiny itself in our own hands. the prisoner of fate, but its master.”

Which sheds light on a fascinating nuance of the “In this world He has betrothed us, but in the world to
Hebrew language so easy to overlook: A year in Hebrew come He will marry us. Therefore, in this world He has
is a shanah. A month is a chodesh. Shanah means given us the moon. In the world to come He will give us
something that repeats itself again and again —a cycle. the sun, the stars and all the cycles of nature.”7
Chodesh means “new.” The sun goes round and round,
but the moon renews itself. We were given a Torah with a box of tools to manage a
world, to drive it to its destiny, to reveal its inner meaning
Two diametrically opposite descriptions of time: for which it was originally made. Until ultimately freedom
Shanah is time as a cycle, like all the prisons described will break through every cell of this world, and like that
above. Yet then comes the other description of time as mysterious number of π, the circle will be revealed for
chodesh, as newness, as real change. Time in which we are what it truly is: Infinity concealed.
moving somewhere, where the future holds something
the past never had. Time with meaning and purpose to Tzvi Freeman is the author of Bringing Heaven Down to
life. Time in the sense of that most powerful of words Earth and, more recently, Wisdom to Heal the Earth.
that has forged modern society into an anomaly of
history: Time as Progress. Copyright and reprinted with permission of Chabad.org

4. Attributed to Black Elk.
5. Ecclesiastes 1:9.
6. Ibid. 1:3.
7. Shir Hashirim Rabbah. •

22

EXODUS
By: Bracha Malka Berkovic

Mitzrayim lashon “metzar” meaning SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
“narrow” or “constriction”

Responding to season's chirp and call,
Now anew, like back then,

We begin in the month of Aviv,
Singing and setting ourselves free again.

Free from chains and clutches,
Constricted, enslaved we have been,
To ego, desire and alien influences,
A permeative and portable Egypt within.

Going out of our personal Mitzrayim,
The ill comfort zone that keeps us bound,
We break away from bad habits and choices,

It’s arduous work coming around.

Expansion of the neshamah,
Capacity ever-broadening as we keep firm,

Inhibitors and confines are history,
To which we shall not return.

Aura of royalty and resplendence,
There is transcendence and G-dliness,
Choosing self-mastery over self-bondage,

Indeed a majestic, true exodus! •

23

Chizuk

By: F. Mozes The bugle sounds,
Signal to the soldiers,
Raise your weapons,
March in formation,
Prepare for battle.

The radio cackles,
Calling for members,
Grab your gear,
Race to the emergency,
Save lives.

The gun blasts,
Alerting the runners,
Take a deep breath,
Commence the race,
Dash to the finish line.

My call to duty
Is more subtle,
It's a whisper in my ear,
A flutter in my heart,
A feeling deep inside,
Calling me,
Pushing me,
Encouraging me,
To lift my head high,
To muster the courage,
To grasp hope,
And triumph over challenge. •

YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF TOMORROWSHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
BY EVADING IT TODAY. - ABRAHAM LINCOLN

24

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25

Chizuk From WithinSHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 By: Goldie Burger

26 Thinking back to my wedding day,
I can't believe how different I am today,
I barely recognize the person I see,
Can it be that was really me?

Whereas then I was full of joy,
Today I have so much pain,
While then the sun was shining,
Now there's clouds and rain,
Then I was filled with spirit and spunk,
Today I have no energy to go on,
Then I had hopeful sweet dreams,
But today these dreams are gone.

Yet though it isn't how,
I envisioned my life to be,
When I take another look,
I'm proud of what I see.

I learned to take part in others' joy,
Despite my own ache and pain,
I know that the sun will shine again,
Although now I'm drowning in the rain,
Though today I may have no energy,
I know tomorrow I'll forge on,
Yes, my dreams may have faded,
But they're never completely gone.

So yes, today when I look at myself,
I see a whole new me,
Yet, when I look a little closer,
I actually like what I see. •

THE ONLY PERSON YOU ARE DESTINED TO
BECOME IS THE PERSON YOU DECIDE TO BE.

While I'm

By: Malka S. SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

I dance in the sunshine
I stumble over a landmine.
I sing from a fountain of hope
I slide down a slippery slope.
My heart flutters with good news ahead
I want to mope and stay in bed.
I hold on tight to a beautiful dream,
I grieve and cry, sink and scream.
I envision good news yet to come,
I mourn yet another painful outcome

My heart is literally split in two,
It’s no man’s land that I’m passing through.
I rise up high, then fall way down,
Emotions swirling all around.
Give me strength, to hold on tight,
Accept your plan, stay afloat in the fight.
Embrace the outcome, continue to climb,
Through the darkest night, and as the bright rays shine.
Help me face each challenge anew.
Hashem, give me strength, I beg of You!. •

27

Chizuk From Within

DIscoMboBulateD

By: Elisheva M.

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 I like the word discombobulated. I always liked it, cuz it keep on top of them with no problem. I’m also pretty
sounds funny. But now I like it all the more, because it friendly and people-smart, baruch Hashem, so it makes a
evokes a feeling to which I relate so well … good mix.

My mind is so unfocused. I feel hopelessly disorganized. Or, used to.
It’s as if I’m holding a bunch of fifty helium balloons, all
struggling to break free, and there’s no knot tying them These days, I sit in the back of the office and let my
together. They’re each playing their own game of tug-of- coworker man the front desk — literally and figuratively.
war with me — and I’m battling all fifty at once. I make it to work, I get some stuff done. But my mind just
isn’t present. I try — I really do. But those balloons… It’s
Funny thing is, I’ve always been the organized one. As tough to not let a single one fly off.
a kid, my mother had me organizing her closets, cabinets
and freezers all the time. (Got the genes from my father’s Yesterday, a teacher asked me to type up her scheduled
side, for sure… ) My siblings used to say that “organized” meetings and hang it up on the hallway bulletin board. It
is my middle name. And now, true to form, I’m a school was important for Wednesday, she told me. And today is
secretary. I can handle seven things at the same time, yet Wednesday. It’s already 8:45 a.m. and I’m not at work yet.

28

I FEEL BAD ABoUT IT. I Do.
BUT IN ALL HoNESTY,

I FEEL WoRSE FoR MYSELF
AT THE MoMENT.

(If you are curious why — tough luck. Please don’t ask.) it. Most nights I even go to sleep without sleeping pills and SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
And… I completely forgot about her list. I think it’s sitting my pillow often even stays dry. But I feel so disorganized. I
under my keyboard, or something half-intelligible like that. totally can’t focus, and I almost don’t care. A job? Ha. Silly
stuff. I want a kid.
Oops.
But obviously, I do want my job, too. At least in theory,
I feel bad about it. I do. But in all honesty, I feel worse though I don’t particularly feel that way right now.
for myself at the moment. After four years of infertility, I
finally (drum roll, please…), okay, quit the drumroll, had So what am I supposed to do right now with this tug-of-
a miscarriage. It had absolutely nothing to do with our war of trying to keep all details of my life under control?
diagnosis — which is largely MF-based — and was totally
not supposed to happen! It was a huge shocker. Everything Should I fight it? Accept it? Passively just let it flow and
was going perfectly fine and smoothly, until one morning, see what happens?
when my precious little prince’s heartbeat decided to stop.
On its own. His mommy didn’t let. If all this concerned just me, then fine; I’d have more
choices. But the responsibilities in my life don’t go that
See?! I was a mommy once. For a few weeks. And in well with “discombobulated.” Hmm.
my books, that makes me a mommy always. Except that
I don’t have a tiny treasure to hold — only one buried But that control thing — is this really in my hands
in some unidentified place. And that baby, my bechor altogether? Is it my choice to choose, or is it only my choice
forever, holds a very special place in my heart. A sad, torn- to respond to what Hashem chooses for me? I need to take
to-shreds, hopeless sort of part, but full of love, too. care of myself and my husband to the best of my ability.
Then comes everyone else in the world — also to the best
It’s already been a good few months since I’ve seen the of my ability. So, my ability isn’t so strong right now. That’s
joy of my baby on the ultrasound. My hormone crash is from Hashem, no matter how much I wish I could change
over, and in that way I’m feeling way better than I have in I it. I can do my best to be responsible, but I can also do my
don’t even know how long! best to take care of myself and let go of that illusion of
control. And then that’s not really discombobulated; it’s
Yet my mind, my life, is still discombobulated. I’m not safely in Hashem’s hands, though I have no clue where that
depressed, don’t worry. I was for a time, but not anymore. will take me. And that’s just fine. •
I smile for real. I love life, and most of the things inside of

29

Chizuk From Within

TSHPEECIAL

INGREDIENT

By: Shoshana

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 Have you ever tasted IVF challah? Try it! special mitzvah —
and a freezer full of
After my retrieval was over, I was finally able
to direct my mind to transfer day. I knew that I As I separatedchallos!
would be a nervous wreck. And I thought, How These IVF challos
could I keep myself busy, calm and focused on
that day? a piece anddefinitely had a

As I was mulling this over, while prepping my special taste. Each
progesterone shot, Hashem gave me a great
idea: Bake challah! In the morning, I thought I made a bracha,week, I took out
would put up the dough. While it was rising,
I’d travel an hour and a half to the clinic, have some from the freezer,
the transfer and drive back home. Then I would defrosted them, and
braid and bake the challos.
tears flowedwarmed them in the
D-Day arrived. Instead of going to work on
that fateful Monday morning, I was home, oven for that fresh,
putting up a challah dough. Then, at around
11:00 a.m., I left for the clinic, had the transfer freely.delicious, extra-special
and rushed (actually took care to walk very
slowly) to my patiently waiting rising challah tasting challah.
dough. As I separated a piece and made a bracha,
tears flowed freely. I davened so fervently — and Some weeks I had guests. I had to hold myself
held onto the feeling that even if the transfer back from blurting out, “Can you tell? Do you
wouldn’t work, at least I’ll be left with this know? Can you taste the special ingredient in
my challos?”

This batch of challos lasted for a few months
(it made fourteen challos, and I was away for a
number of weeks). And as my husband sliced the
last challah, I watched, emotions overwhelming
me, knowing that the next batch would just not
be as special. •

30

By: Yehudis Schenker

My mother told me Mommy! SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
That when I was in preschool Can you do that again
Sometimes Now that I’m grown?
I just couldn’t wait anymore Can you tell Him?
For my turn Hashem,
To be Yehudis is working so hard
The Shabbos Mommy. To be happy
For her friends
So then she would write And sisters, and sisters-in-law, and
A mitzvah note neighbors
That said, And co-workers and cousins and then
Dear Morah, sisters again
Yehudis is working so hard Who were chosen
To be happy To be the Mommies
For her friends Even though
Who were chosen She’s waiting so anxiously
To be the Shabbos Mommy To be a Mommy
Even though Herself.
She’s waiting so anxiously We are so proud!
To be the Shabbos Mommy And then, Mommy,
Herself. Do you think that soon
We are so proud! It will finally be
And she left it at that. My turn? •
And then somehow,
Soon after,
It was finally
My turn.

31

Chizuk From Within

SAVED BY A

FIRE HYDRANT

By: R.B.

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 My sister's wedding was truly a The trouble was, as any good So my husband decided to just
beautiful, joyous event. On a high Brooklyner knows, that there is park by a hydrant and cleverly told
from the dancing but bleary-eyed absolutely no parking at such late my younger siblings, "I'll get up early
from the late hour, we filed into hours. And in such state of exhaus- tomorrow to move the car. Hope-
my parents' house in Brooklyn, tion, long-distance parking seems fully, I won't get a ticket during the
where we would be spending the a non-option; to park, walk all the next few hours."
night. Not that we could even call way to the house, catnap, and then
it a night! It was nearly dawn when walk all the way back to the car, if My alarm rang before 6 a.m., and
we pulled onto the block, and we our addled brains could so much as we quietly got dressed to make a
had to be up just a few hours later recall where we left it… It just didn’t quick exit, when we heard some
to make the trip to New Jersey for make sense. noise. A door closed. Some foot-
monitoring at our clinic. steps were heard across the hallway.

32

We waited a few minutes until the us as we were trying “WHAT SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
footsteps faded into a bedroom, and to leave in the a.m.) WAS YOUR
we were finally on our way out. Ar- HUSBAND
riving at our car, we saw that we had My brain went numb as different DOING UP
gotten away with no ticket, baruch excuses flew around my mind. I was SO EARLY
Hashem. thankful that I couldn’t speak, being IN THE
that I was in the middle of davening. MORNING
Thankfully, the appointment I just smiled and nodded my head. AFTER
passed quickly and we were soon on Then my brother said, "Oh! I guess GOING TO
our way back to my parents’ house he’d been serious about waking up BED AFTER
to help prepare for the Shabbos she- early to move the car. Poor guy! He 2:00 A.M.?"
va brachos. I dropped my husband barely got any sleep because he was
off at Shacharis, parked the car and worried about a ticket."
went inside.
Again, I just smiled. And then a
I was in the middle of daven- warm feeling of relief and gratitude
ing when my seventeen-year-old engulfed me. I was thankful that my
brother came home from Shacha- brother himself had come up with a
ris, headed over to me and asked, cover story and had gotten me out
“What was your husband doing up of this mess!
so early in the morning after going
to bed after 2:00 a.m.?" (Aha! So he And for the first time in my life, I
was the troublemaker who’d startled thanked Hashem for fire hydrants
and no-parking zones. •

33

Chizuk From Within

REAL SUCCESS

By: Elisheva M.

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 In the dictionary, success is Real success seems to be doing all and some chocolate-and-hormone-
defined as, “fulfilling one’s desires; that naturally, without “help.” induced weight. Oh, and being way
wealth and fame.” more helpful and focused at work,
But for me, for today, success with no more of those depressing
Right now, to me, success feels would be putting myself together thoughts or pity parties.
like… actually, I’m not sure. Success quickly, getting to work on time,
feels like a lot of things. Success doing the laundry, exercising, If I’m going to be very honest for
means getting pregnant. It means tackling my ever-growing to-do list, a minute, my concept of success can
staying pregnant and delivering cooking proper meals, and leaving basically be summed up as, “perfect,
a healthy, live, happy baby. It also the house clean and cozy at the end productive — and superhuman.”
means raising that baby perfectly of the day, with a happy husband And as much as I don’t want to
and giving it lots of healthy, happy and an early bedtime. identify myself with the secular
little siblings. outlook on success, I guess I gotta
Plus getting rid of my pimples admit that it has me tight in its

34

clutches. Maybe I don’t care for care, I’m sure. He cares because in tears, or altogether give up. It
the “wealth and fame” specifically. that means that His daughter doesn’t have to be so extreme. But if
But the whole concept is how we is in so much pain right now I don’t act so perfect, put-together
present to others. How popular — and therefore, so is He. And and productive as I used to, simply
we are, how respected. Which, this particular daughter never because I am feeling the intensity
nowadays, is largely based on how and the pain of the nisyonos I’m
much we’ve accomplished, how even fantasized that she has the facing, then… well, to be honest,
hard we’ve pushed ourselves to capacity to be as dysfunctional maybe that is success.
appear flawless and exceedingly and downtrodden as she is. Which
productive. All with a smile, of means it’s pretty bad. So, yeah, Dealing with the life Hashem
course, and a calmness that exudes Hashem does care. granted me — accepting it, living
an air of, “Oh, it’s nothing.” it — and yes, crying to Him when
But that’s not how success is it hurts. Improving my middos,
But what if it’s less about that measured. Meaning, yes, Hashem redefining my values. Getting
and more about personal growth? hurts right along with me, but He hadracha and implementing that
doesn’t think it’s impeding my into my life, even when it might
Okay, I’m a good Bais Yaakov success. He put me here, remember? make me look different.
girl. I know This World is only a
hallway before Olam Haba, in I think all He wants, all He defines All of this is scary. I grew up
which we are meant to prepare for as success, is for me to remember with the Western culture, after all,
eternal life. And to Hashem I don’t that. My “accomplishment and where beauty and popularity and
think what matters is if I weigh perfection” definition of success accomplishment are paramount.
ten pounds more or less, or if I makes no mention of the Creator of
serve mac ‘n cheese for dinner. To this world and absolutely everything I’m only guessing, but I wonder
Him what matters is not if I leave inside it. if that’s what He wants from me
the plates and forks in the sink, or right now. To break my old, external
if I only fold the laundry after it’s I’m not giving myself a free ticket wishes, and create new, real,
been hanging on the line for three to be totally dysfunctional, quit my everlasting ones instead. It sounds
days. What matters to Him is that job, leave every social interaction cheesy, but I think it’s really true.
I do hishtadlus. And ultimately, my At the end of the day, He believes
dream of a family is in His hands. in me. He chose me to go through
this and get closer to Him. And I’d
So, what does He expect of me? never really be able to get there if
In my little completely imperfect He didn’t break me apart like this
and scarred world, what does He so I’d be forced to piece myself back
want me to do? Does He care if I together again.
have pity parties and eat chocolate?
Does it bother Him that I have daily In Hashem’s dictionary — and, I
meltdowns and feel like I’m totally guess, in mine, too — success could
falling apart? That I barely manage be defined as, “living every day with
to get to work or run errands or the increasing knowledge of Who
cook? That the tears are in a 24/7 put us here, and acting accordingly.”
battle to stay behind my eyelids?
And supper dishes have nothing
Well, yes, actually, He does to do with that.. •

"TRY NOT TO BECOME A MAN OF SUCCESS. SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
RATHER BECOME A MAN OF VALUE." - ALBERT EINSTEIN

35

Chizuk From Within

By: Amanda Lipschik

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 Sometimes, life has its way of then apologized to the group saying but never like that. It is okay to not
throwing mantras at you from “I’m sorry, I’m not usually like this, be okay.
the least expected places. In the I’m really okay.”
support group I facilitate for women In life, there’s so much pressure
diagnosed with cancer, a new As I prepared to respond, another to be polite and happy. Thanks
member was emotional and was group member quickly chimed in to social media, that pressure is
crying as she detailed her recent and said to her, “It’s okay to not be multiplied and constantly in our
diagnosis and treatment plan. She okay.” Profound and so well said. I’ve face. We post pictures of vacations,
said that concept to patients before smiles, gourmet meals, and so forth.

36

YOU divorce, miscarriage, infertility — that someone is struggling, but
RARELY
makes us uneasy. it’s important to stop pressuring
SEE A
PICTURE I was once casually walking past ourselves and others to pretend
POSTED someone I knew and said, “Hey, that life is perfect and that we’re
OF REAL how are you?” When he answered, always happy.

LIFE, “Not too good,” I still kept The lesson is this: We all

IN WHICH walking, because it took me quite experience various challenges in
SOMEONE
a while to process his response. I life. And while it’s always better
DOESN’T
LOOK just assumed the answer would be to be positive when possible,

ABSOLUTELY “good,” and I’d be on my way. And when it’s not, it just means that
GORGEOUS
AND LIFE when it wasn’t, you are human.
DOESN’T
SEEM it was really WE DON’T We don’t have
BLISSFUL. uncomfortable. to have it 100%

You rarely see a picture posted If the reality HAVE TO together 100% of
of “real life.” in which someone is that life isn’t the time. It’s okay
doesn’t look absolutely gorgeous always great,
and life doesn’t seem blissful. In then why do 10HAV0E %IT to not be okay. It’s
today’s world, there’s this need to we always have okay to feel angry,
project what life should be like, to pretend it is? frustrated or sad.
not always what life actually is. With infertility You are not weak
Because real life — job loss, death, or wrong for having
and miscarriage these feelings.
specifically, it’s
TOGETHER Give yourself
hard to smile permission to have
when you least 100% OF bad days and to
hurt. Be honest. Be
feel like it or to
act as if that THE TIME. vulnerable. This is
real life. You may
injection isn’t grieve your loss or

scary or painful, be sad about your

or that negative pregnancy test struggles for a long time. You

isn’t heartbreaking. Why can’t we may never forget about them
accept that life isn’t going as we or never feel completely better.
planned — and we’re struggling But hopefully soon, the load will

with that? Why can’t we simply lighten and the dark clouds will

resist the urge to tell others who shift. It may not be today or even SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

are enduring hardships, things tomorrow. But one day, you will

like, “It’s going to be okay,” or, be okay. Until then, it’s okay not

“You’ll get through this,” and always to be. •

instead, just listen to them?

Maybe it’s uncomfortable to hear

37

Chizuk From Within

By: Chana

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 I say I’m done with hoping. And I feel like we made horrific mistakes, ON MEDICATION,
mean it; I truly believe it when I say it. and then failing us, just like the one OFF MEDICATION,
before. SURGERY ONE,
We have been tortured since a year SURGERY TWO,
after we got married, too long ago. On medication, off medication, SURGERY THREE...
After only a few months of trying, surgery one, surgery two, surgery
based on only one test, Dr. H. told us, three… Is this really our life or the IS THIS REALLY
in a voicemail, on my 22nd birthday, title of a sadistic Dr. Seuss book?
that we would never have biological OUR LIFE OR THE
children. Cue the sarcasm: (happy Let’s not forget the time they
22nd birthday to me!). accidentally cut me, causing internal TITLE OF A SADISTIC
bleeding and fainting on my
We went from doctor to doctor, recovering husband, forcing him to DR. SEUSS BOOK?
each berating us for following the carry far more than his five-pound
advice of the previous one, making us limit.

38

The naturalists, oh, the I WILL PUT MY see two pink lines on
naturalists! So many that stubborn stick

promises, so many BODY THROUGH that hates me. I want
expensive lotions to hold my husband’s

and potions, fear, THE MOTIONS, hand as we listen to our
intimidation — and baby’s heartbeat for

never any results. SWALLOW THE the first time. I want to
PILLS, BRACE THE count contractions and
Then of course there SHOTS, TAP OUT wonder if it’s time to go
are the Kabbalists, in. I want to look into
manipulating us to EVERY VEIN IN his eyes and share the
do strange, often MY BODY. deepest form of love
demeaning rituals, using knowing we created a
their rabbinical status child together. I want
and our commitment to be the only one who
to G-d against us. can nourish our baby.

The wanting, the BUT MY I want to instinctively
hoping, the public turn my head when I
ridicule, communal hear “Mommy.”

insensitivity… I gave up. HEART? It’s interesting, I seem to
MY MIND? have so many wants for
No more hope, no more THEY STAY someone who doesn’t
excitement. I will put OUT OF IT. want to want at all.
my body through the
motions, swallow the And here I thought I
pills, brace the shots, could control one thing,
tap out every vein in this one small thing.
my body. But my heart? There is so much I am
My mind? They stay out powerless to; why do
of it. my emotions have to be
one of them as well?
And you know what

hurts the most? I want Hashem, could you imagine a life without us,
to feel this way, and I really thought I would your nation of Jewish children? An existence
remain strong this time. But Friday night, void of lovingly crowning You as king on
when the kids talked about waking my sister, Rosh Hashanah? Joyfully dancing with you on
their mother, in the middle of the night Simchas Torah?
because they were scared, it tugged at my

heart, because as a mother, she comforts in Father in Heaven, see the love and nachas

a way I cannot. Shabbos day, when my other we, the Jewish people, give You; feel the

sister nursed her warm bundle, my emotions warmth in Your parental heart, and have SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

stirred, seeing a bond I so yearn to feel. mercy on my husband and me.

What do ya know, with all my authentic If You cannot even imagine a life without
convictions, here I am again, a total sucker, Your children, how in your infinite
because whether I like it or not, I want to compassion, could You deny us the same? •

39

Chizuk From Within

THE
CLARION
CALL WATCHING RABBI
SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 KOENIG ON STAGE, I
COULDN’T HELP BUT
By: L. Bendayan FEEL PRIDE AT MY

INFERTILITY STATUS.

40

Shasathon 5780 didn’t dis- closer and help our fellow

appoint. How to explain sisters as they navigate

an evening full of emotion, infertility. Here are some

celebration of the heilige of my personal thoughts...

Torah, and chizuk for I TOOK IT AS A • The forums! Let's bring it
those of us going through CLARION CALL back to its days of glory.
infertility? Seeing nearly TO ALL OF US It is a great platform that
600 men from all walks of IFERS TO LOOK we can all utilize to help
life come together to learn BEYOND OUR each other, give chizuk,
on our behalf was heart- PRESENT STATE and of course, laugh at
warming. The fact that the things that nobody
they raised much-needed else would appreciate. (A
funds to help make the IF particular meme about
life easier is unbelievable! chairs and high-fives
Both actions touched me comes to mind. You
in ways the lomdim can't know who you are.)
even imagine.
• Join (or start) a support

This year was something AND SEE WHAT group in your neighbor-
else, though. I’d like to WE CAN DO FOR hood. Don't be shy; we’re
focus on a different aspect all in the same boat. I've
of the Shasathon. One EACH OTHER. seen personally what
geared toward what we IF- attendance at events can
ers can do for each other. do. Adding yourself to
the picture transforms

As fitting as can be, Rabbi the pain of infertility for seventeen and enhances it for ev-
Mordechai Koenig was honored arduous years! It was beautiful to eryone else. Promise!
with being mesayem Shas. This was hear that his family was blessed with
the first time ever that an A TIME a baby girl this year. There wasn’t a • L end a hand. If you know of a
staffer was given the honor, and who dry eye in the room, mine included. friend struggling right now, do
is more fitting than the one-and- (Not only then, but every time I something for her. Drop off a bar
only humble Medical Director who relive that moment.) of chocolate or kugel for shabbos,
pulls the strings behind the ATIME call her and shmooze, or buy her
a book. Every little act of caring

medical staff? As someone who Later that night I was pensive, my goes so far. And if you’ve been a SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
has personally utilized the myriad mind roiling. I couldn’t get the recipient, pay it forward to the
A TIME medical services, watching image of Rabbi Koenig's incredible next person.
Rabbi Koenig being given the crown self-sacrifice out of my mind. I took
jewel of the night was touching. it as a clarion call to all of us IFers to • L et others know about the incred-
look beyond our present state and ible services A TIME offers. Maybe
Watching Rabbi Koenig on stage, I see what we can do for each other the next time they get a mailing,
couldn’t help but feel pride at my while still living with our challenge. they’ll think of you and send a
infertility status. Here was some- If he was capable of giving so much donation. (I’ve had this happen nu-
one who took his unbelievably through all these years, then certain- merous times, and was so thrilled
painful and enduring challenge and ly I can do something small to ease to be the shaliach.)
funneled it to help others. If you another’s load.
observe, the norm generally is that The above is just my little list, but
after a nisayon, people get involved So as we segue into the season of Klal Yisroel is full of amazingly
in the klal. Rabbi Koenig did some- geulah, let's all take upon something creative individuals who I know can
thing above nature and gave of small to help bring that geulah take this further. I’m ready to start a
himself while personally enduring movement. Who’s with me? •

41

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780Highlights
from

5780Shasathon

42

43 SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

44 SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

Highlights SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
from

5780Shasathon

45

46 SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780

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Visit www.sart.org to learn more.

47

Chizuk From Within

By: Y.M.

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 Sitting with my co-workers in the teachers room, They listen intently as she regales them with stories
I realize that for the past few months whenever about doctors with bad bedside manners, the beautiful
Mrs. Klein* is around the conversation revolves Shabbaton she attended that an organization arranged
around her unhealthy newborn. for families in her situation, and many other things. She
has so much to share — and share she does.
“How did the treatments go?” asks one kind friend.
Sometimes, when I hear others questioning Mrs. Klein
“Did you get an appointment with that doctor you with concern, it hits me that if these exact questions were
were so desperately trying to get to?” asks another. directed at me, I would have been able to answer every
one. Don’t get me wrong; I totally don’t need — or even
“I don’t know how you manage to be at work with want — the attention or sympathy. Yet sometimes I do
all that’s going on!” yet another workmate remarks in feel a twinge in my heart when everyone excuses her
wonder.

48

THERE
ARE MANY
NISYANOS
lateness and tiredness, and gives there are those who know of
her so much credit for making it THAT ARE the word “treatments,” but they
through. It’s those times that I just assume that all it involves are

want to scream, “I also deserve to BUTPAINFUL, some vitamins, or maybe even a
be excused and looked up to with pill here or there. And, of course,
admiration! I, too, do treatments, they assume that infertile couples
run after doctors, and attended a are more financially comfortable
Shabbaton.” (Thank you, A TIME than their counterparts. The
staff! We all enjoyed it immensely, best of all is probably those who
and I wish I could announce to the constantly let you know that

world how special you all are!) you’re lucky that you have so

And it was actually at the INFERTILITY much time to get to know your
Shabbaton that I gained some husband. The situation sometimes
clarity as to why I feel this nisayon IS SILENTLY gets so laughable that it’s hard to
is so difficult. On Motzei Shabbos remember that this really is a very
when we were all having so much PAINFUL! sad situation.
fun with the silent dancing, I
stood there watching as everyone Then there’s yet another group
was dancing to music that only of people, those who know what
treatments entail physically,

they were able to hear from their emotionally and financially. As I

headphones. continued looking around at all

I thought to myself: This is so my life! Dancing with of you, my fellow IFers, dancing silently, I realized that SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780
grace to the music of my life. Um… to be honest, not even within this wonderful, supportive group we can’t
always so gracefully. There are many days on which I share many of the details of our situation. Each of us
feel like I can’t keep up with the complicated steps. At is going through the same difficulty, yet we each have
those times all I could do is imagine telling others: “You such different circumstances. As close as I feel to all of
don’t even know that my invisible earphones are playing you I still don’t know what music you’re dancing to. I
music that you couldn’t have dreamed up in your wildest have no clue of the pain you go through, physically and
nightmare. But no, there is no way to explain. Infertility emotionally. I have no clue what your diagnosis is, if you
is a nisayon that deals with such a private part of my life, have any, or what your course of treatment is. I don’t
and I’m protecting my husband’s and my dignity. There know how many times you’ve failed, how many tears you
are many nisyanos that are painful, but infertility is silently cry each night, or how you smile despite the fact that you
painful! feel like falling apart.

There are those out there who don’t even realize what No, I can’t give answers to the people around me. I just
infertility involves. Like the very sweet acquaintances who continue to gracefully dance to my music of silent pain!
think we are available to do favors all the time because But I have a lot to say. Why I’m exhausted — because
we definitely have the most time on our hands. Then I was up at 5:00 in order to be on time to school after

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EACH OF US IS GOING THROUGH
THE SAME DIFFICULTY,

YET WE EACH HAVE
SUCH DIFFERENT
CIRCUMSTANCES.

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ PESACH 5780 monitoring. Why I’m tense and unfocused — because I’m And they unfortunately think they are being so nice,
terrified that I will miss the call from my center, and I simply They don’t know the ABCs of infertility,
used up all my energy worrying about the outcome of this Yet they talk as if they know more than me,
round of treatment. Why I can’t concentrate on anything While we suffer so deeply through our silent pain,
— because I’m too busy concentrating on controlling my Because ours is a nisayon too private to explain,
raging hormones. And no, I never got to know my husband I wish that others would care to realize,
all that well; we jumped into things very soon after our That I’m tired because of how early I had to rise,
marriage! There never was a normal day in my married That I’m constantly putting up a great show,
life, never a moment of privacy, never just the calm happy And there’s so much about my life that they don’t know,
bubble of newlyweds. And just so you know — no, I’m not How hard I’m trying to accept and with strength embrace,
saving up any money; it’s actually the very opposite. They can’t possibly imagine the music I face.
I suddenly think: Do I do to others that which bothers me?
So the next time you see me smiling and laughing And it is then that it hits me so starkly:
and being the strong woman who everyone can depend How many times have I judged others without knowing a thing?
on, know there’s a hurting woman who’s silently dances How many times have I made comments that sting?
gracefully to the music Hashem sent her way, trying to Do I remember that they, too, have music that only they can hear?
remember that it’s all for the best, even though she doesn’t That maybe they, too, live with heartache and constant fear,
understand. And I’ll remember that about you too. That no one knows about or imagines in the very least,
Why do I think the rest of the world is leading lives full of ease?
After all these thoughts went running through my mind, Everyone has a set of earphones with music only they can hear,
I realized that this lesson is not only pertinent for infertility, And our job is not to judge — but simply to care,
but a lesson for not judging anyone who crosses my path. Each person has their steps that I can’t necessarily follow,
The poem below was inspired by that thought. And each of us is playing our own part in the show!
When it comes to our own life we truly understand,
We so enjoyed the unique activity — what a shtick, We wish people would shut their mouths, and just offer a hand!
Dancing all together, yet each of us heard different music, So let us be the someone we want others to be,
This, I realized, is a great parable to our IF life, And making Hashem proud completely! •

We continuously dance with grace, not daring to show our strife,
So many well-meaning people, with well-meaning advice,

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