To My 25-Year-Old Self

TO MY 25-YEAR-OLD SELF
Surviving Quarter-Life Crisis

National Library of the Philippines
ISBN: 978-621-452-144-9
Copyright 2021 by John Kit S. Masigan
Published by John 14:14 Book Publishing Center
Address: Zone 6 Capitol Site, Alimannao, Penablanca, Cagayan
Email: [email protected]
Phone number: 0953-352-0025

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced
in any form or by any means without the written permission
of the author, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief
passages in a review.
The information in this book was obtained from the author’s own
imagination and perspective. While every effort has been made to
make this book as accurate as possible, the author disclaims any
liability or risk as a direct or indirect consequence of the use of any
contents of this book.
Printed by Golden Press (078) 844-1597

ii

Especially for you,

iii

DEDICATION

To my parents- Zaldy & Fe
And sisters- Loreen & Mayette,
Here’s the reason why lights are up till the wee hours.
Dedicating this to all who ever wonder if I am writing

their own story.
Yes, I am.

iv

TESTIMONIALS

Truthful and relatable on many different levels!
I thoroughly enjoyed the book! There were interesting facts
and info, and I do love the engaging metaphoric comparisons-
the example of the leaning tower of Pisa was very much worthy to
contemplate on.
As someone who has also gone through many of the problems
mentioned in the book, now 24 and still can’t figure out how to deal
with future, I realize I do need as many instructions as I can get. So,
thanks for clearing a lot of those complications I used to bear and
for the very practical advice.
Writing style-wise, the book has a friendly, upbeat tone but can
get serious when needed, which makes it even easier for me to
empathize with the flow of emotion. All the chapters and bigger
topics were organized in a neat, comprehensive sequence - which
I really love. A delightful experience in general!

NORA NGO
E-commerce Marketing Analyst
Hanoi, Vietnam

As a person who turns 25 this year (2021), when I read this book, it’s
kind of looking in the mirror and it reflects my shadow because
there are many stories similar to mine. I smile from the start to
the end while reading it. Moreover, it also inspires me to write my
own book.

NOY’ANOUSA INTHABOUALY
Government official
Ministry of Foreign Affairs,
Vientiane Capital, Lao PDR

v

Before reading this piece of writing, I had known Kit as a teacher,
an entertainer, an organizer, and an influencer. But as I became
deeply fused in the chapters, I realized that I hadn’t seen a
complete picture of him yet. Kit has done a great job, or should I
say the magnum opus, the work of his life, the work about his life and
the work on his life.
There may be a lot of autobiographies or philosophical deductions
I made myself familiar with in the past, but I dare say this is one of
the greatest works among them. You can call this by many names-a
book, a story, a biography, an opinion, a show, etc. But one thing’s for
sure-he has nailed it.
Kit’s art, I should say, has presented fresh insights, analytic retrospects,
and self-consciousness, and has kindled a spark within me like
nothing before. Being a teacher and a human being at the same time,
I can’t agree more to his way of thinking-what we are lacking, how
we should find happiness in ourselves, and most important of all,
where we should start. I’d like to end here with Kit’s words that we are
a “work in progress”, and this is like an “open book”-we should always
bear these in mind. As always my brother, you are amazing.

SUN HTUT AUNG
Student, teacher
University of Yangon
Yangon, Myanmar

This book is an anecdote. The reader will immerse with the
narration yet will smile unconsciously whilst biting the nail. I
enjoyed reading it as if the author is talking about me!
MOHD YUSOF ZULKEFLI, PhD
Lecturer, Researcher, and Social
Behaviour Consultant
Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman,
Kampar, Perak, Malaysia

vi

Ifound myself feeling almost numb after reading the whole book –
a moment of total contemplation and reminiscent of what life has
been for the past years. I love that this book doesn’t force one to
think “what is” or “what should be”, instead, lets you freely swing
through your own imagination and creativity. This is definitely a
breath of fresh air. I could read it countless times and again.

GIOVANNI CABALZA
Banker, Development Bank
of the Philippines
Manila, Philippines

Afew years ago, I met Kit onboard as not only his batchmate but
also his cabinmate. He was a down-to-earth and kindhearted
guy, and he still is. I thought he was born with these qualities, but
not until I read these pages did I realize that what I saw in him
back then was just the tip of the iceberg.
Through his eloquent narrative and personal reflection, Kit carried me
with him in his inspiring quest for a more meaningful life. His debut
work is an extraordinarily captivating page-turner which reveals
similar disturbing reality that most, if not all of the people around “the
age” are likely to experience. It is a tour de force that also immensely
gives me emotional strength to fight my own struggle in my early 20s.
Truly appreciate it!

NGUON KIM
Senior student at American
University of Phnom Penh (AUPP)
Phnom Penh, Cambodia

vii

Some parts of this book really resonated with my soul. As a
person in 20-something myself, I understand the struggles in
navigating the right path, or as they say in Tagalog is “tamang
landas” to true happiness. I realized that sometimes it’s
necessary to slow down and catch a breath. The power of youth
is unlimited and our abilities are endless. But it doesn’t mean
that you have to put pressure on yourself to achieve something
significant. Because as Kit said in the book, “your 20s are yours to
live as you please”.
What I really love about the book is that it makes me feel adequate,
worthy and more confident on my journey ahead. This feels like a hug
to anyone who is losing direction in their 20s. To Kit, thank you for
your thoughtful perspectives and compelling personal stories that
helped me see the world through your eyes. And to people who are
reading this book, more power to you.

NANA TSUKAMOTO
Insurance Agent
The Kyoritsu Co., Ltd.
Chuo-ku, Tokyo, Japan

This is a book that a lot within our age can relate with in so
many ways- on being truly happy, on defining happiness
and contentment, making us look back on experiences and
perspectives that molded us into who we are today, and signs
of times that continue to impact our lives.
It will make us reflect on matters often lying in our subconscious
that we are so afraid to speak about and that make us vulnerable.
And most importantly, the narrative gives us a feeling of not being
alone, of knowing that other people experience the same things
like us in one way or another, and of hope to continue riding the
bike in this lifetime.

ALEXIS BOSI
HR Professional
Shell Shared Services (Asia) B.V.,
Philippines

viii

FOREWORD

“Go to school, study hard, excel, and graduate, then you will surely
become successful.” This was the advice given by a person I look up to
when I was young. I followed the advice and I expected that everything
will turn out great. Four years after I completed my degree and got my
license as a nurse, I was in massive debt. I didn’t find joy in what I do,
I was depressed, and I was broken down defeated. I felt I was stuck
in a dark place that was suffocating. It happened during my first year
in Oman as an Overseas Filipino Worker. I felt like I needed more. I
was longing for meaning in my life. The pressure from my family and
the people around me was too much to bear. One day, I decided to
have a 5-day retreat—alone. I detached myself from the world by
closing all my social media accounts and soaked myself in prayer,
reflection, and meditation. In those 5 days, I made peace with myself.
I modified my goals. I accepted my failures positively. I trusted God
wholeheartedly. Seven years later, I now manage my own company,
published 7 books, and living my purpose as a motivational speaker.
The book “TO MY 25-YEAR-OLD SELF: Surviving Quarter-Life Crisis” is
exactly the book I needed when I was 25, lost, broke, and defeated.
I wish I had read this book because I am sure that it could have
comforted me during moments of doubt, fear, and failure. This awe-
inspiring book is like a friend who will embrace you, pat your back,
and assure you that everything will turn out good. The principles
embedded in this book are a lifetime reminder that we are all meant
to overcome whatever obstacles life throws at us. Dr. John Kit is such
a terrific writer and he made sure that every concept is relatable and
worthy of our time.
I have been coaching authors in the past two years and this is one
of the best books ever written by a Write Your Legacy graduate. I am
very sure that it will bless many young professionals to discover their
purpose, overcome their difficulties, and live a life of contentment
and happiness.
Another book deserving of a best-seller award!
Flip the pages and discover gems that you will forever treasure.
JONAS U. DUPO
International Book Writing Coach
Author & Motivational Speaker
Founder, Write Your Legacy Book Writing Program

ix

Take a second to listen.. to speak.. to yourself.
It’s not rare for most of us to keep a running dialogue
inside our heads. We call it “self-talk”. And that’s exactly the
mechanism that propelled this book.
It’s funny to think how others see me as someone who got
everything figured out at a young age. And it’s even funnier for me
to project that I did.
You see, life can be a show. And the hardest scene is always to play
a role outside your own character.
At a certain point, I felt tired of portraying someone who remains
okay all throughout. I felt tired trying to fit the character I can
hardly identify myself with. I felt tired trying and finding what role
suits me. I never knew acting was this hard.
Quarter-life crisis is real. For some, it strikes in their late 20s.
Unfortunately, in my case, it happened a bit earlier. Good for
others who haven’t experienced anything like this before. But I’m
pretty sure, at least at some point, no one’s ever exempted from
feeling unloved, unworthy, and unmoving.

x

“To My 25-Year-Old Self” made me feel unapologetic for being
true. But though I always advise my students not to begin their
speech with an apology, please indulge me in being apologetic
this time. I apologize if ever you waste some time threading these
words, yet you can’t find answers. This book doesn’t give answers.
In fact, it will give you more questions to ask yourself.
Though this book is a product of unending self-talk, it’s also both a
revelation and a revolution. It reveals unspoken thoughts that you,
as readers, might resonate with. And it also seeks to revolutionize
the way we all think of life as a seamless perfect bragging right.
I don’t take credits for these words. There’s Someone up there who
deserves. They say the greatest wisdom is when you find yourself.
And I have yet to figure out what that means, but I appreciate you
taking time to read through these musings.
Read on. We’re all work in progress. And here’s to all the damages,
the repairs, the bruises, and the desire to build back better!

xi

TABLE OF CONTENTS

CHAPTER 1: AND I WAS…
Retrospect vs Hindsight

04

CHAPTER 2: ON SELF LOVE
How the mind runs ads

10

CHAPTER 3: ON RELATIONSHIP
Ready. Set. Fall!

18

CHAPTER 4: ON SOCIAL CIRCLES
Extracting milk from desiccated coconuts

26

CHAPTER 5: ON HAPPINESS
You may not find it here.

34

CHAPTER 6: ON FAILURE AND SUCCESS
Trust the clouds the way you trust the stars.

42

xii

CHAPTER 7: ON BEING A PRISONER
POV on POW’s

50

CHAPTER 8: ON CHOOSING BATTLES
Want to say something or have something to say?

58

CHAPTER 9: ON TRUSTING YOUR TIMELINE
We. Just. Can’t. Be. The. Same.

66

To my 25-year-old Self

CHAPTER 10: ON FINDING YOUR PLACE
Get your hands dirty.

74

CHAPTER 11: THE UNKNOWN
Leave it unsaid.

82

CHAPTER 12: AND I AM…
Forecast vs Foresight

84
xiii

Keth_Byonnsey

1

I am unloved, unworthy, and unmoving
Never will I say that

I am a work in progress
Because the truth is

I have no chance to rise above my mistakes
And that

What matters most
Is

What is pleasing to others
I’m wrong to admit that
Life is ours to live as we please

The people
The chances
-The strength
I’m losing these
While I’m growing
It’s never true that
I am made for a reason and
Deep within, I know that
I regret my every single decision
Never again will I say
I am proud of being me

2

CHAPTER

CHAPTER 1

At an hour past midnight, low are the lights. They pass through a dilapidated
window, bringing gentle winds of September. It was dark. But shadows of cold
sweats began to appear amidst the silence in the room. From the timber bed
arose a squeaking sound. Deep breaths followed. It was progressive- breath
overlapping breath. It was fast, unexpected. At once, a loud cry broke the sound
of silence. It was a child. And a new dawn has come.

The toughest question

As a young boy born in a boarding house, I know being born in a hospital was
not a fad, unless you have the resources. People told me I was dark, but at that time,
I think I didn’t care at all. Unapologetic and free-willed- the perfect words for the
child in me.

27 years later, I stare at that image in my head. What have I become?
To be honest, I want to be back in my mom’s womb where I feel the safest.
I want to be reborn and take with me an ample amount of wisdom to redo things.
I felt as if I could do better, that I can be more.
At 25, I decided to take a chance on an international exchange program. This
was not Greek to me. It’s not new at all as I have had countless applications before,
ranging from work, scholarship grant, volunteer group, awards program, to any
random opportunity I come across on my feed.
While it was not new, the feeling was different. Unlike my previous interviews,
this brought me to my most vulnerable state. I entered the room blankly. I was not

4

MANY SAY shaking, but I was not confident either. Ready! I
“CHASE think I was just ready, not until the panel threw me
HAPPINESS”. a fairly simple question but seemingly the hardest
BUT THIS to answer. “Are you happy?” I stepped back. I
WAS NOT THE didn’t know what to say. What I only knew was
REAL CASE that my answer can either make or break me.
GROWING UP.
I WAS MADE I silenced myself. Those probing eyes right
TO UNFOLLOW in front of me demanded a yes or a no. But just
THINGS I before I took the courage to speak, they tossed yet
ENJOY DOING. another dreaded question. “ As an accomplished
AND IF I DO, I man at age 25, what is still lacking?”
HAVE TO MAKE
SURE NO ONE It dawned on me that truth be told, there’s
SEES IT. not too much from what they perceive as
“accomplished man”. Many things are in fact
lacking; and most of which are unknown.

I couldn’t help my eyes roll over the corners
of the room, and the walls seemed to be drawing
near me. As these blank walls moved towards
the center, I felt claustrophobic. I feared this
small space putting me on a hot seat. It wasn’t
comfortable at all. Not because I didn’t know an
answer, not that I was afraid to speak; but maybe
I was not ready for the truth.

Whatever it was, one thing was sure. I want
to be back-- to retrospect.

The log as my stage

In a laidback valley up north, a piece of
log used to be my stage. It was relatively a big
platform, high enough for me to be seen as a child.
My young heart leaps every time I gather kids all
over the village to mount whatever I think was
worthy of a show. Visibly, there was no gadget, but
we enjoy dancing and singing anyway. We don’t
mind the scorching sun. It is our huge spotlight.

Down at dusk, I step on the log with a post
light barely hitting on me. It is time to tell stories.
I usually get a pretty good number of audience.
Some days are full house. But often, I scream on
top of my lungs calling down those who have no
interest at all. Either way, I summon them to watch
me perform. And as it gets dark, some I would
force to stay, others run away. But as always, the
day ends packing things up by myself.

5

CHAPTER 1

Early on, I recognized my interest to talk. Actually, not just talk, but to speak and speak
a lot. I loved being surrounded by people, even those who didn’t like what I was doing. I
found it flattering to step on a stage where kids of my age watch and listen to me. Though it
demanded preparation- often unreasonable, I indulged myself in thinking of ways to level
up my game the next day. Then on, I knew it was teaching that I want to pursue.

I valued the fact that young as I was, I knew what I wanted. However, it did not
come about easily.

There were several days I see my father’s fear-provoking eyes, commanding me
to step down on that log. For some reason, he’s not up to it. Whenever I imagine how
I look straight up to him, I still feel that extensive panic inside. His face was a mixture
of agitation and rage.

This exact face morphed into several faces of people, which altogether
replicated a judging eye. Those eyes were no less than pointing fingers and rude
remarks I get on the streets. I began bowing while walking.

When other kids feared ghosts, I developed to fear people.
Many say “chase happiness”. But this was not the real case growing up. I was
made to unfollow things I enjoy doing. And if I do, I have to make sure no one sees it.
At a young age, I developed the skill of hiding.
Because I hide a lot, I never discovered enough of my full potential. What was
right for me should be what was right from others.
Taking my first move in almost anything is not in trying to do it outright, but
actually thinking in circles what is pleasing for others. When I visualize in perspective
the unbearable words and hits of a leather belt waiting for me, I’d rather not try.
Fake it ‘til you make it, they say. And yes, I made it by faking, at least my source
of happiness.
In time, I got the hang of it. But when I thought I can please them by faking, it
was never enough.
I knew how to handle mask as it was universally representative of my love for theatre.
But while I thought it was my interest, it actually became my defense mechanism.
Playing a role was not new. As I kept mentioning, I’ve always loved performing
since young. That’s why it wasn’t hard for me to pretend to be someone I’m not.
Though it was all for a show before, it eventually became a skill- a saving grace.
I devoted most of my time to trying to fit the mold. What society sees as a “real” man
or a “likable” character, I chase to be it. As long as I was pleasing, I didn’t care if I was true.
Just like any crisis in-between stages, it was an immense personal conflict due to the
questioning of who I was and my role in society. Somehow, I managed to compromise.
When I thought I’m almost resolving, it was actually just the beginning.

6

Finding a niche to occupy

At some point, I felt guilty for being unremembered. And since it’s not enough to be
acceptable, I felt as if I was obligated to make people proud. I needed to step up.

Finally, I saw a potential niche I can thrive in. The loads of suppressed emotions and
dreams I had were disguised propellers. Owing to the fact that I was thirsty for “realness”, I
ultimately found an avenue to practice my passion, over a calculated motion.

I started expanding my circles and learning from great mentors. With differing
perspectives, I discovered where to stand and how to make sound decisions whether
it be unpopular. There were quite a few times when I conceded staying at the middle
just so I could glue diverse people in. I wanted to learn both from the right and the
wrong acquaintances; because most of the right things I learned came in fact from
the wrong people.

Surprisingly, I discovered myself not through introspection, but by association
and dissociation to people. From who I see, I discerned who I want and I don’t want
to become.

Sure, the momentum was on. I had affiliations to a number of organizations
that either strike my interest or my curiosity. These brought me back to my suitable
placement- one which I knew I love doing. It bared on me that I could actually speak and
be heard again. When needed and when it’s apt, I rallied initiatives. I was never afraid to stir
movements, even if most were unsupported.

And in the course of this, I gained the wisdom to see the world outside of
myself. I advocated too much as if I pledged allegiance to the people. I recognized
I had at least a strand of purpose in this lifetime. At last, I felt I was put to good use.

From a seemingly timid guy who was a captive of his own thinking, I considered
this period as the perfect moment to release my baggages and break free.

This liberation, so to speak, made me take up space and secure my stand.
I learned when to peak, to cease, and to recover. Most of what I wish, I get. And most
of what others desire, I have. It was a moment on cloud nine. There, I knew I was striking
a balance between being true to my passion, and bringing pride to my circle of influence.
For a time, I never saw those faces I feared. I forgot to keep my head down while
walking. I didn’t get those same stares on the streets.
Ultimately, I was on the right track. But when I thought it would last, it didn’t.

Only 50 years left

I know for a fact that many people experience sleeping at night feeling so
incomplete and waking up the next day with the hopes of getting better but actually
feel even worse- that feeling of not having a purpose, to begin with.

After gaining almost everything I’ve wanted, what pops up in me every single
day is what many consider to be cliche - “Am I truly happy?” And when I said “truly”,

7

CHAPTER 1

it meant authentic, unchanging, unconditional.

Most often, I know I’m secured about the things I want, and that I do conscious efforts
to be happy. However, the struggle seems to be running in circles because I start asking, “Am
I in the right place? Is this what I’ve dreamt for myself 10 years ago? Am I enough?”

Yes. I ask these questions, several times.

Researchers say the average lifespan of a person is 75. That minus my age then,
25; I only have 50 more years if I live by that life expectancy.

With only 50 years more, am I really living my life to the fullest? Have I been at my
happiest? I couldn’t fool myself because I did experience a phenomenon that mixes
confusion, sadness, and incompleteness in ways I can’t comprehend and process.

Long before, what gave me so much confusion was simply choosing between a
white or a black bag, maybe candy or a soda to buy, and a pair of shorts or pants to
wear. These sets of options are rather easy to answer.

However, adulting raised this plain confusion to the next level- a stirring of the
soul. It brought forth complex questions whose answers are all dependent on one’s
self, yet still unanswered.

When I hit my career plan right on the target, and have added letters after my
name at 24, I still felt I was not achieving so much.

When I landed a dream job and got good pay, those daily routines stuck me up
in a cubicle, repressing my desire to explore.

When I felt secure about my social circle, all else I saw were happy couples of
my age, igniting in me the fear of missing out.

When I advocated about empowerment and positivity, I doubted my direction
and have cultivated disbelief.

On the outside, there was nothing wrong. It was so seamless- that it weaved
instead a deep struggle inside.

I used to retrospect and just look back on my past to escape the feeling of
anxiety. But somehow, I learned that security is best found on right perspectives
more than right timeline.

Truly, it was a never-ending hide and seek with one’s soul. And all I did was to
search my soul, as If everything would be alright if I would ever meet him.

That, I suppose is the essential difference between “retrospect” and
“hindsight”. When you retrospect, you simply look back to the past. But hindsight is
totally different. When the answer was unknown at the time of question, hindsight
is that certain perspective on the past where understanding is now finally gained.

That hallowed hindsight powered through these words.

And these, I wished I knew when I was 25.

8

CHAPTER

CHAPTER 2

How the mind Runs Ads

Childhood photographs

In one of my classes, I asked my students to bring with them their childhood
photos. It was supposed to serve as an offshoot for writing narratives.
Even before the lecture began, the room was already bursting with laughter.
Photos, however funny or sentimental they were, have been passed on from
one hand to another. It was definitely up for grab!

The kids were simply enjoying themselves. Not quite sure if they laugh at each
other’s photos because they love, or they hate. What I’m only convinced of is there’s
an obvious subject for conversation.

One student kicked off the session by showing to the class how chubby he was
as a child. He was fair-skinned and pudgy. With his captured groove, it’s known that
he was oozing with charm. Then, he grew to be lanky and dark as he is now. Though
still considered funny and charming, he no longer has the looks he once boasted.

As expected, the laughter grew wilder. More than wondering what could’ve
caused the changes, everyone was just screaming crazily at how puberty could
strike so hard.

What came right after him was a lady from the back, showing a glow-up change
in her appearance. From a weird-looking girl with thick spectacles, braces, and
uneven bangs, she transformed to be that “It-girl” who draws everyone’s attention.

10

Remarkably, she got the nod of her peers. But at that moment, the class shifted
from a burst of wild laughter to seemingly vague amazement, real quick.

Noticeably, however, others began to shun away from showing their
photographs.

It felt different. That did not come to me as a good start.
When it’s supposed to encourage people to freely speak about their past, it
made some feel as if they need to prove something else.
Of course, the sharing went on with all the laughter, the drama, and the
intimidations in between.
But, the point draws me back to the first two brave souls, who took the chance
of sharing their past. Both were pretty confident to speak. And both experienced
changes- physique in particular.
It just dawned in me that in essence, no person grows unchanged. As one
develops, there are parts in him or her that change. Ergo, all of us experience
transformations; only that we differ on how we view them.
It could be polarizing; that is to consider a transformation as either completely
good or terribly bad, while some just shrug it off as if it doesn’t matter at all.
In the case of my class, that change worked in the girl’s favor.
For some, these changes make no sense. It’s inescapable after all. But the great
concern lies on how it affects us- our thinking of our past and our thinking of what
could’ve been a better turn out.
Truthfully, how do we often view changes that happen to us?

Learning how to hate

Months have gone by thinking of the many changes the pandemic has brought
us- change in size, in mood, in social circles... in perspectives.

Facing the mirror, I started hating how I look and how this whole concept of
“adulting” made me miss out on dressing up and fixing my flaws.

I hated to accept the reality that at this age, I’m still figuring out my
purpose- what I want, where I want to be.

I hated to be dictated by people and by the screens of how I should act, what I
should do, and who I should be vulnerable with.

I hated thinking that I am not as fueled and as passionate as before.
And if I do, I hated considering the truth that I am not in control of things, that

11

CHAPTER 2

I have to play the endless game of waiting, that I
pretend to be at my best all the time.

I hated the fact that I’m learning how to hate.

This phenomenon was unknown to me until
I saw my old photos and began whispering, “I liked
myself better before.”

It was painful to say it, but it was worse to hear KNOWING
from myself.
YOURSELF
When you reach the age where you must focus
on so many things, you start putting your hands
off to what makes you feel good and look good. IS ONE

While looking at bigger and more serious tasks, you THING, BUT
start forgetting the little and often senseless things
that excite you. And when you stare at your old
photograph, you start wondering how to ever smile ACCEPTING
again unpoised but real.
YOUR BEING IS
All these make up to what many perceive

ANOTHER. ANDas comparing the present self to the past, often
wanting the latter.

WHEN WE SAYSince the battle is within, this stage may
not raise a red flag on others. But truth be told,

“BEING”, THATthe hardest clash is competing against your past,
especially if you think you were better before. INCLUDES

The “better option” YOUR

Ever wondered why we typically get frustrated over RAWNESS-
unfulfilled desires? It’s not just about failing to get what THE THINGS
we want. The reason rests on the concept of always
wanting “more” and always wanting the “better”.

Take a look at what you’ve added to your cart. YOU LOVE AND
Every time you promise to spend just a few minutes THINGS YOU
on online shopping, you end up losing an hour HATE.
without even deciding what you truly want.

A study shows that 93% of customers read
online reviews before buying a product. And it takes
an average of 5 reviews a customer reads before
adding it to cart. So, if there are about 3 items of the
same kind which you keep comparing against each
other, the next thing you know, you haven’t even
started deciding.

12

The fact is, people want reassurance before committing to a purchase. People
always want the “better option”.

Most of the time, we know we’re convinced with a product, not until we see a
better option. And this truth doesn’t run far from how we view ourselves. Most of the
time, we know we’re satisfied with what we have or how we look, not until we see
a better option.

This is the very logic of the overused phrase “comparing one’s self to others”.
Seldom do we hear people comparing themselves to someone who falls
short of their standards; or for the lack of a better term, lesser. Mostly, those who
compare are those who feel threatened.
There may be a day you felt completely fine, and along the way, you saw
someone got a new pair of sneakers, or maybe your friend who afforded to invest on
his own wheels, and that batchmate you’ve bullied before now turned a family man.
I bet, it’s going to be a long day for you and your ego.
If you come across a friend who beams a blemish-free face, you start noticing
your pimple which you never thought existed. And when you bump into a well-built
fellow, you reexamine your body which you never even cared about before.
Why so? Simply because you met a “better option”.
Really, there’s no point in comparing when you are assured of something. And
only when you compare that you notice what’s lacking.
As better options are everywhere and here to stay, you’ll never get satisfied--
just as how you have never made a final decision on your online purchase.
Still in the light of e-commerce, another compelling fact is that after reading
negative online reviews, 4 out of 5 consumers shift their minds on a suggested
purchase. More so, if 3 negative articles pop up in a search query, the potential for
lost customers increases to almost 60%.
This is how negative advertising penetrates consumers’ responses. We are
easily dissuaded by things that fall short of our standards, or the standards of others.
Our minds are like marketers running their ads. As they shape the advertising
industry in both positive and negative ways, they also provide us with multiple
reasons to love or to hate things about ourselves.
We don’t have to wait for three negative articles popping up in a search
query before we begin hating ourselves. The mind is so formidable that once we
recognize one thing we lack, in comparison to what others have, the potential for
lost confidence increases to an unforeseen extent.
Simply put, we feed our minds. There are ads we keep, but there are ads we
can’t miss. What we only need is the wisdom to know the difference.

13

CHAPTER 2

In the same way, we can hate ourselves all our lives. But the potential we exert
on hating has the same potential we can exert on just accepting. Still, what we only
need is the wisdom to know the difference.

Stranger to one’s self

In a week span, how many have randomly appreciated a thing about you-
maybe your humor, or your productivity at work, or even your unintentional
kindness? Have you counted them in? How about a thing you wish you ever had,
or somebody you thought you ever needed? Have you come to terms with them?

Psychologist Meag-gan O’Reilly once posed a question in his TED talk, “How
often do you get asked ‘What do you do?’ and feel like that question is going to
determine how much attention or respect you receive?”

This is exactly how we program our minds. In reality, the thoughts we hear in our
heads are far less influential than those that creep around in our unconscious. Such is
brought by the “It’s always alright” mentality- a hidden assumption about the world,
others, and ourselves that we miscalculate as fact.

We compare. We notice what’s lacking, We become insecure about it. We learn
to hate our imperfections. We conceal them. We project we’re alright. We ask for
validation. And when it’s given us, we feel it’s never enough… because the fact is,
it’s never us.

That’s how the mind runs ads. In the middle of nowhere, it offers you various
perspectives, often negative and unhealthy. To entertain it is always up to you. You
can skip, or you can wallow.

Green Day was on point in its song “Wake Me Up When September Ends” with the line
“...the innocent can never last”.

We can never come to terms with reality if we become strangers to ourselves.
If we remain innocent of what makes us, then we are clueless with what builds us.
Cliché, but how important really is to know yourself?
Knowing yourself is one thing, but accepting your being is another. And when
we say “being”, that includes your rawness- the things you love and things you hate.
Say, because of your looks, you were always just an option but never a choice.
Painful but you know that. And that is logic. That is rationally “knowing” the reality
of your situation, but it’s an entirely different ballpark and much lighter struggle than
truly “accepting” that it’s not your fault.
It’s never your fault if you fall short of others’ and of the world’s standards.
Of course, you can always deny. Concealing is comforting. It lets us skip the job
of self-auditing. But remember, band-aids don’t fix bullet holes. You got to live by it.

14

That is why knowing and
accepting who you are is the beginning
of the whole concept of “self-love”.

It took me a while to grasp what
the books say. The terms “self-love”,
“true”, “acceptance” and an array of
buzz words change meanings day by
day, every single circumstance.

While I knew that it was right for me
to guard my every single move, I learned
that part of being true is to let go of my
inhibitions and the fear of being different.

When I thought optimism means
not thinking of negative thoughts
and just struggling to cover up
imperfections, I found out that there’s
no greater liberation than dealing with
your real emotions no matter how
imperfect they are.

Though I have to be at my best
all the time- that includes my figure,
my work, and my disposition, I realized
there’s nothing wrong with being weak,
being vulnerable, and being helpless.

When I’ve become so attached to
the outcome of my efforts, I learned to
let go of the need to arrange my life- not
because I no longer care, but because
I can never be in full control of things.

Yes, the ads I’ve skipped were
actually the ads I learned to process.
I dealt with them. It took a couple of
forward and backward steps, but I dealt
with them anyway.

And when my innocence lasted, I
needed no apology for being true.

Just then, I knew self-love dawned
on me the moment I forgave myself and
my destiny.

15

CHAPTER 2

16

CHAPTER

CHAPTER 3

Ready. Set. Fall!

Success sequence

Here’s the formula: You get at least your bachelor’s degree, be hired on a full-time
job, get married, then have children.
That’s how “success sequence” operates- a sort of perennial wisdom that
penetrated several generations. In fact, this straightforward life script was engraved
in us by society as the effective, or rather, toxic formula to being successful.

For some fortunate graduates who have a full-time job, by the age of 25,
what’s next to the sequence is getting married. Everyone’s getting engaged, even
a batchmate you once bullied for being weird. You begin collecting ‘save the date’
invites from couples of your age. You get a bit of godparent duties here and there.
And your feed slowly transitions from career goals to relationship goals.

It can be a great feeling to witness all of these from others… to a certain extent.
But there’s a thin line between witnessing and experiencing. If you’re on the other
side of the room, you know you’ve always wanted to experience the same.

You see, progress of others can either make us feel pleased or pressured.
From a scientific perspective, the last part of the brain to mature is the frontal
lobe, and that certain maturity only happens as late as age 25. That means young
adults at this age, believing they have matured, are programmed by their brains to
take bolder decisions such as settling with a partner.
This is exactly the reason why we feel pressured. Aside from the obvious reason that we
wish we could marry someone just as how others tied the knot effortlessly, we feel we needed
to take a bold move- to marry right at this age- because we’re afraid it would never happen.

18

My mom married at 33. From the get-go, she always dreamt of being a nun. It
was a weird fact that she never had a concept of being “in a relationship”. Despite the
teasing, she was so hesitant to entertain any suitor because what simply mattered to
her was to bring her younger siblings to school.

In her case, the success sequence lagged midway. She kind of settled a bit in
that stage of working and providing food on the table.

Now, It made me think of the first time I ever felt pressured of settling down. I
was 25 then and that’s quite far from 33. So, what right have I?

I’m a go-getter, a structured person. Almost everything I do, I strategize.
Before even graduating from college, I’ve mapped out my game plan. It took
me years in juggling work and school, just so I can finish my graduate studies before
the dreaded quarter age. That, I suppose, was a feat! But it never came about easy.
Along the way, I’ve missed countless opportunities. Because of being too invested
in my work and my professional career, I haven’t invested much in people. Don’t get me
wrong. I’m not saying it’s never wise to put your eyes straight on career growth. What I
meant was I needed to make a compromise, even if it included calling off a potential
relationship and dismissing my romantic emotions. There was just too much on my
plate that I was afraid to put in another ball to juggle. The OC-ness in me reassured that
things have to run in sequence. And I surrendered to such mentality.
Sure, the plan brought me to places, cemented my stance, and accorded me a
work too early for a young adult. At last, all boxes were ticked. It was a big relief! And
I sighed, “I am ready for what’s next in the sequence.”
Just when I thought I was ready for serious relationships, I found myself waiting
in vain. It’s as if I was anticipating a bus ride but to no avail.
That was the beginning of endless frustrations. I wasn’t used to waiting. I
thought the logic of studying and working works just the same throughout stages-
that the amount of effort you give, yields the same amount of return you take. But
all the while, I was wrong.

The waiting game

In 2015, exactly a year after I finished college, there was already a record of
34.8 million single persons in the Philippines. That’s nearly half of the total population
10 years old over, according to the 2015 Census of Population. With such a figure, I
wonder about the probability of finding “the one” from all my travels here and abroad,
or from just plainly walking on the streets. With countless people I meet daily, what’s
the probability value of having ever crossed paths with “the one”?

I remember when my mom, who at that time was my teacher, asked us in our
Statistics and Probability class, “How many permutations (pairs) can be formed in
throwing two dice?” As I couldn’t recall the formula, I tried the listing method. Not
long enough, my mind burst out manually trying to pair the dice.

19

A PARTNER CHAPTER 3
COMING TO
YOUR LIFE IS A With just 2 dice, there could be a total of 36 pairs
“GRACE”. IT’S formed. That’s rather a no-brainer for someone who
UNMERITED studies the possibility of meeting “the one” from a
FAVOR. THAT’S sample size of over 30 million. At that point, I saw a
WHY IT OFTEN grain of hope. Maybe, I need a couple more throws
COMES AT with the dice. But only time can tell.
A TIME YOU
LEAST EXPECT, Eventually, the waiting game transitioned to
AND AT A searching.
CIRCUMSTANCE
YOU DON’T It took several right and left swipes on dating apps,
DESERVE. IT adding and following accounts with “high potential”,
COMES RIGHT sneaking in a date on weekends (either Friday night or
AT THE MOMENT Saturday night; never both, as you’re in the age where
WHEN THE rest is a gift), and even hanging out solo with the hopes
VARYING LOVE of finding company from a stranger. Name it! There’s
LANGUAGES always a mysterious thrill in searching. In the words of
FINALLY a great film, whatever works.
COMPREHEND
EACH OTHER. Certainly, you have a personal checklist
of everything you want in a partner. Pretty face-
check, conversant- check, 6 pack abs- in progress,
family-oriented- check, insured- about to apply…
and the list goes on. And these standards made
it even harder to reach a combination from that
unknown probable value.

So they say, if you’re brave enough to move
away from your romance checklist, then you’re
likely to meet a match. Then and again, it remains a
postulate to be proven.

I’m not saying you have to lower your standards,
neither do I say you have to raise the bar. The point is,
you just don’t rely on your standards, or should I say
your biases. Most of them are superficial. And not all
of them can be found in a single person.

A study of Match.com, a dating website,
reveals that on average, women find their life
partner at the age of 25; while for men, they’re
more likely to find their soulmate at 28, with half of the
people finding “the one” in their twenties.

If only numbers could speak, they would
stand as a mere witness of the countless people
struggling to find the right partner.

But how exactly do you find one? Or to begin
with, do you actually have to find?

20

Half would say you just have to wait and not force things. But the other side of
the dichotomy would argue that you can’t just wait. It needs effort on your end too.
Whatever it is, again, only time can tell.

A kid got a surprise gift on his 4th birthday. It was wrapped in a used foil,
replicating the shape of the famed wrecking ball. At his dismay, he threw the gift
from a distance, thinking that the ball-shaped present wasn’t the toy car he had
always dreamt to have on his special day. As expected, the gift wrap was ruined; and
inside, the kid saw his dream toy car, shattered into pieces. From then on, his cry
grew even wilder.

The kid’s mindset is never far from most of our mentalities. When we ask
for a gift, we right away expect what’s inside, how big it is, and how it’s wrapped-
all exactly the way we imagine. But when it comes in a different shape, maybe a
different gift wrapper, or a different size, we begin doubting what’s inside.

Most of the ones who search for the right partner are the ones who pray for
it the hardest. And when they pray, they declare their wants- the specific details
of what they want. Those include the looks, the status, the attainment, the “umf”
factor, the possessions, whatsoever.

Setting standards, by its essence, is reasonable. Even employers have to set
qualifications to filter applicants. But you see, most answers to prayers are normally
disguised.

Not all fancy wrappers have the real deal inside them. And not all “ugly” gifts
are “bad gifts”. In the wisdom of the old, looks can be deceiving.

If we give in to deceptions, that’s when we dismiss people who fall short of our
“specific details”. That’s when we dismiss a gift.

It’s easy for people to reject, especially when rejection becomes an escape from a
possible humiliation. But this is the work of the weak. Denying what’s right in front of us is
sometimes denying what may be truly meant. In our desire to get what we want, we refuse
what we deserve.

Then, we find ourselves back to square one- waiting, searching, praying, and
hoping not to make the same mistake of dismissing.

Even though we tend to think of relationships as a symbiotic union, two people
can be like two sharp-edged puzzle pieces trying to click into place. At times, it seems
like you don’t fit together at all, but soon after a bit of spinning, twirling, and flipping
of the pieces around, you’d eventually figure out the placement of the perfect click.

Yes, it sounds metaphoric, ideal, impossible. It’s never a guarantee! But really,
you just have to trust in something- timing, gut feeling, karma, spark, whatever.

Who to marry?

The elephant in the room no one wanted to ask is- When do I know I’m ready?
As I’ve said earlier, as soon as I finished my graduate studies, I knew I was

21

CHAPTER 3

totally ready for a serious relationship. That’s because I’m over with my targets, and
I’m all-out ready for the next sequence. As simple as that.

But all along, I was in fact a captive of such perennial wisdom, which was
greatly believed in by our forefathers. Things have changed. Ideals and norms have
been shaped by both right and wrong choices of the people who came before us. So,
indulge me in disrupting this “success sequence”.

Never think that you’re only granted the freedom to like and be liked once
you land a dream job, earn above minimum wage, or receive a promotion. You may
never get all these at once. And if you do, the years that passed may have caused you
to slip on the chances to like and be liked.

Don’t be pressured to invest in a house, a good business, or insurance stocks,
before even calling yourself ‘single yet available’. Money can buy all those, but ain’t
no price tag for people.

If you’re afraid of choosing the wrong person, think that you can never really
get things right the first time. It’s not always a sure ball. You will doubt yourself, your
partner, your status. Remember that entering a relationship doesn’t always end up
with marriage and with kids. Try. And if it fails, who says you can never try again?

Try not to think that you have to be perfect for someone else. And while you do,
stop trying to project your own perception of perfection onto your potential partner.
Commit mistakes often. The number of errors you make doesn’t have to do anything
with the number of things you can get right. Go out there! Be fearless.

And so, when do you know you’re ready?
When you stop scrolling your feed and your archived friend requests, you’d
realize there are more people beyond the screen.
When you have loved your scars, your morning breath, and the things you’re
not capable of, you’d come out true and unapologetic.
When you stop blaming yourself and your destiny for the wrong choices made, you’d
feel more accountable for change.
When you have recognized and come to terms with your excess baggage, you’d
know you don’t need someone to carry it on for you.
And when you finally take a hold on your self– wholly, unpretentiously, boldly,
only then would you learn to marry yourself first.

It’s who you choose.

A partner coming to your life is a “grace”. It’s unmerited favor. That’s why it often comes
at a time you least expect, and at a circumstance you don’t deserve. It comes right at the
moment when the varying love languages finally comprehend each other.

22

So why does it feel like you keep chasing someone who doesn’t like you, and
refuse the one who does?

Perhaps, both of you experience love differently, and it’s rather hard to hit the mark in
terms of showing that you actually care. It’s like talking to someone who doesn’t understand
your language. You need to dig in several context clues before the point comes across.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author and counselor, posits that the likelihood of having
the same love language as your partner’s is unlikely. According to him, there are five
primary love languages that people speak. These consist of words of affirmation,
quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.

Case in point- if you had a bad day at work, you might prefer being pampered
with gifts rather than getting a hug. Or you might have the gift of gab in expressing
encouraging words, but you end up being unappreciated.

For me, I discovered that there is a difference between the love language I want to
receive and what I am capable to give. I can let someone feel loved through my words and
by preparing gifts, but I prefer to be served and to be held hands with. Not really sure if it
works for all. But that’s a recent discovery I had anyway.

When people love, and they’re not loved back, they frequently call it unrequited
love. But no; they miss the point that we don’t speak the same love language after all.
Not getting love back the way you expect doesn’t always mean it’s unreciprocated.
Others may just have a strange way of showing they care, yet you fail to recognize.

Speaking someone’s love language just takes a pinch of attempt and
intentionality. This is where you redirect your keenness in paying attention to
details. You got to Immerse, examine, and compromise.

Doc Maru, an inspiring fellow author said, there’s a thin difference between your
soulmate, your one great love, and your one true love. A soulmate is someone with
whom you have a sense of deep or innate affinity. It can be in the form of a spirit
animal, a person you see yourself into, or even an object you fancy. On the other
hand, your one great love may be someone who sparked so much emotion in you,
that even after years have passed, the feeling remains. This may be your first love,
your puppy love, or a love of your life that was taken away by circumstance. And the
last is your one true love who, in simplest term, is your choice. He or she may not
necessarily have everything you’ve wanted, but you never looked for more.

You’re lucky if you can find your soulmate, your one great love, and your one true
love all in just one person. But most often than not, this doesn’t happen.

So, stop thinking that you need to see your soulmate from your partner, nor do
you lament over ‘the one that got away’. There’s one person out there destined for
you. Many others have potentials. But it is who you choose.

When you make that choice, and you stand by it regardless, it’s the beginning
of magic!

23

CHAPTER 2

24

CHAPTER

CHAPTER 4

Extracting milk from desiccated coconuts

“Social hair fall”

No, I wasn’t the geek kind of guy who burns the midnight oil. Although I’ve
remained competitive in school, I still enjoyed hanging out on the sides. I used to be
a ninja sneaking out at midnight, often a chatterbox who spills the tea when forced,
or a life of the party who’s always up and about. Yes, I did revel in… before.

Soon afterward, I found myself endlessly scrolling my contact list, checking
who’s active online.

Imagine in the wee hours when I was supposed to be snoring, I felt that needed
dose of dialogue with someone who either makes sense or is totally silly.

Oh, my workmate! Well, it’d just be the same complaints we kept venting over
and over (again).

Josh, the one I met in a seminar. Last conversation with him was what feels like
decades. So, it’s rather awkward.

Next, my crush whom I haven’t met personally yet. Well, that’s sounds desperate.
Here’s Mae. Wait, who the heck is Mae?

I was no longer the highly extroverted guy I used to be in my late teenage. My
social circle was shrinking. And as the night grows younger, I grew older. I wallowed
in work, and my to-do list went on and on. Friends who used to be a call away just
seemed to be another paid ad, quickly passing on my feed.
It was what I call a “social hair fall”.
A study by scientists from Aalto University and the University of Oxford reveals

26

that people are socially promiscuous at their early 20s. That is, forging more social
contacts until they hit the friendship peak at 25. Soon after, their social circles
dwindle, with women losing friends at an initially faster rate than men.

Why is this so? The philosophy is that at this age, people begin to filter who is
more important and valuable in their lives. Since most of them are on the verge of
settling and building their families (mostly women), they can invest more time in
“appropriate” people. It works similarly to a business. People choose to spend their
time with those who can grow the investment.

This middle-age reversal explains that women make up their minds very early on.
They are more focused on opposite-sex partners at this time. However, men, who generally
have more contacts (usually same-sex peer relationships) than women before their mid-
20s, soon drop contacts faster than women during their late 30s. To note, while women
value close-knit relationships, men value achievement and status more.

This made me ponder on people who might have slipped away from my circle.
Either I was no longer of good use to them, or I may have failed to let them feel
they’re needed.

Hence, this whole concept of “social hair fall” reveals two truths- some hair we
intentionally take away, and some, usually unnoticed, fall on their own.

Paradigm shift

For an 8 to 5 job, one has to devote a minimum of 8 hours daily (doesn’t
include overtime or an earlier dip on the biometrics). Technically, that’s one-third of
the day’s allotment, meeting the same faces at work. Say you maintain an average
of 8 hours of sleep, there’s only 8 hours remaining to rub elbows with significant
others- can be friends, family, strangers, or the thumbnails on screen. If you’re in
your early 20s, you can make do with that limited time. You can even make new
acquaintances in less than an hour, or be clingy over someone you’ve met for the
first time. That’s the power of inner congeniality! We all have that.

But there will come a point when the only thing running on your mind (even at home
or on bed) would be deadlines, or how to deliberately schedule your next day. A notification
on your email gets more of your attention than a message on social media.

Try browsing over your contact list or your call logs. How many of which
are work-related? You see, jobs are our main social field by the time we reach 25.
That is why we spend more time with co-workers, and our older friends emerge
unconsciously at the bottom of our inboxes. We don’t really intend that. And it
doesn’t mean we forget our older friends. It just works out that way.

This is where you’ll find yourself caught up in some clan-choosing war game.
If you’re single, you begin to resent your friends who might be so hooked on their
partners that they forget your “same time, same place” traditions. Or if you’re
committed to someone, you begin detaching yourself from your bigger circles to
give way for a more intimate “babe time”.

27

However, one thing is common. Regardless of CHAPTER 4
relationship status, people are likely to lose interest
in partying, nocturnal drinking spree, or chasing …BESIDES,
places where most people are. You’d rather buy the WHAT GOOD
idea of coffee dates, online haul, or binge-watching
at home. Today’s dance steps fail to complement CAN A
our moves as they used to; three shots of tequila THOUSAND
mean bedtime; and at 9 pm, our foot gets too lazy
to even step out of the door. Of course, you still FRIENDS
chase fun. But having too much of it feels awkward. MAKE, IF
It makes you feel there’s something wrong. AT THE END

Gradually, as our interests change, so do our OF THE
values. DAY, YOU
JUST DIAL
Engaging in shallow conversations would no TWO, THREE
longer merit our limited time. In discourse like this, a FRIENDS
fake emergency call usually saves us. We prefer deep WHO TRULY
conversations about life, alongside some current MATTER?
events (excluding those that trigger our frustrations),
or even about unfulfilled desires and promising plans.

Trying new- often dangerous things like
juvenile tripping, and spontaneous out-of-town
weekend excursions no longer sound well as
they used to. If we travel, we instead linger on the
thoughts of riding solo- to serve some kind of self-
searching and breathing.

I don’t want to call it a change of heart. It
never is. But this awakening perspective propels us
to affix ourselves with maturity. It’s a paradigm shift
we didn’t see coming.

The coconut milk

When was the last time you had a deep talk
with a friend? And when was the last time you’ve
added or followed someone you didn’t even know?
Your answer may greatly speak about how you
value relationships.

You’re at the age where having nearly
5k Facebook friends doesn’t turn out to be a
bragging right. And you’re more likely to DM your
best friend on Twitter or create an exclusive group
chat for your constants.

Over time, I had several attempts at social media
cleansing. I began unfriending or unfollowing people I

28

had previous ties with. When we’re caught up with the hustle and bustle of life, we make
room for moments that matter and have less room for futility. Hence, we filter.

I remember my grandmother who makes the best “Binalay” ever- a native
delicacy in our province. It’s a sticky rice dessert dipped in sweet caramel-like syrup
with “latik” (coconut) bits.

She said the secret to making coconut milk is to use mature coconuts. You’ll
want to pick up a brown, fuzzy coconut- not the young ones. Young coconuts have
sweet and delicious coconut water but zero or low amounts of coconut meat.

That’s the same process as choosing your circle at this age. You pick the mature
ones who are meatier over the sweet ones with fewer chunks. If you get what I mean.

Further, she continued saying that if you want to be certain while buying,
gently shake the coconut near your ear. If you hear a sloshing sound, that’s perfect!
It’s a mature coconut. But if you barely hear anything because it’s nearly filled to the
brim with coconut water, then that’s a young one.

As coconuts mature, the amount of water inside decreases. This growth of
coconuts exactly resembles how we drain our excess water while maturing, unless
you wish to make coconut juice instead of milk. We get rid of things and people
that don’t matter, and just focus on how we make more flesh- how we make more
substance.

Consequently, our tolerance decreases for toxic relationships. We cease hanging
out with the liars, the phonies, and those that stab us from behind. We prefer people,
who may not necessarily be old friends, but provide us the exact amount of positivity.
We become more socially selective than open.

And when you thought you just got the right number of “trusted” friends, the
filtering continues ‘til you get the constants- the ones who remain.

No matter how precious the coconut meat is, you just have to get the extract. As
shredded coconut is already in usable form, you have to blend this with warm water and a
pinch of salt, then strain it through a nut milk bag. Sooner, all that is left is the milk which you
exactly need, and a desiccated coconut which you normally dispose of.

That’s simply it. Hard truth. But you still end up with the milk you need.

Do you get what you pay for?

We just saw one side of the whole coconut milk-making process. But what if
we don’t end up as milk to someone, and we’re only considered as a desiccated
coconut? That would be harsh on the other side.

Since we instantly become a one-man screening committee, trying to filter people in
a seemingly job selection process, there’s a huge tendency to judge and to underestimate.

I’ve experienced that, several times. There are people who would stand by you

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CHAPTER 4

if your achievements were posted elsewhere. There are those who chat with you
over a period of time and just eventually leave your last message ‘seen’. Some also
approach you in ways that excite you romantically but end up selling insurance. A
couple of those whom you meet in travels or maybe conferences tend to bond with
you for quite a while, and soon they’re gone.

We’re on the phase where “keep in touch” really means just reacting to a story or liking
a post. And “nothing’s going to change” means I’ll just talk to you if we’ll see again soon.

As the proverb exactly puts it, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.
I hate to say it but even social circles are businesses too. There’s a motive
behind every attachment. People might need something you can provide. And when
they get what they pay for, they leave. It runs from as simple as asking a favor or a
casual pastime, to a rebound or a plain front.
Obviously, people come and go. So if you invest in them, be accountable for
whatever return. Most often than not, you don’t get what you pay for.
They say easy come, easy go. But for someone whom you find difficulty coming
to your life, it would be harder letting go.
Not long before, I’ve met a friend who got almost all my limited attention.
I’ve invested not only time but emotions too. Even at my busiest, I was so
willing to spare some moments to be an absorber of emotions, a counselor, an
entertainer, a giver. Forever was a promise we didn’t want to break. I didn’t know
if it was right. But I liked it, nonetheless. What was strange is that it lasted for
a couple of years without me thinking if I’m actually getting the same worth in
return. I persisted, anyway. And one day, I woke up as if everything was lost- the
moment, the investment, the person. It was heartbreaking. But soon enough,
it was the exact reason that pushed me to apply for an international exchange
program. This venture totally changed my perspective about life and made me
experience all the best things I deserve. When I got back home, I was surprised to
feel no grudge nor bitterness. I was just simply thankful.
An equally enlightened lady whom I have first met on a nail spa told me that
people come to our lives for a purpose. If they’re done serving you their purpose,
the universe freely lets go of them. So, if it weren’t for the brokenness, I might have
never felt so enlightened.
True enough, it was really the purpose- to know, to invest, to be left, to be
broken, to go on anyhow, to be happy if not happier, and to let go.

Social pruning

That evening when I was endlessly scrolling my contact list, I asked why should it ever
come to a point where a conversation is begged for, and time is paid.

Call it a quarter-life social hair fall, or a desiccated coconut. But don’t we all
deserve to have constants who remain just there?

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CHAPTER 4

Yes, some friendships die, some stay. You’ll scrap the
toxic ones and you’ll keep the gist. You can unfollow all
you want, and add the “valuable”. But you’re not the only
one entitled to this right.

You too can be the scrap. You can be unfollowed. You
can also cause friendships that die. That’s because you too
can be the victim.

So don’t blame the universe if you have limited friends.
It was your choice, to begin with. Besides, what good can a
thousand friends make, if at the end of the day, you just dial
two, three friends who truly matter?

As semi-functioning adults, our social circles will only
serve and last as we make them.

Look at the trees in the forest. They are free to play by
their own rules. Limbs can stretch out, branches can extend
up as high as they’ll grow, while weak boughs and old twigs
are brought back to the forest floor in a freefall. But do all
trees free to last?

Not all trees have quite as much freedom. That’s where
pruning comes in! It’s the regular trimming of a tree or shrub
that may be dead or dying due to pests, disease, and lack of
sunlight. It’s not just done for aesthetic purposes, but mainly
for preventive maintenance. If we want trees to last, regular
pruning here and there can help.

Speaking about long-term maintenance strategy, if we
want our social ties to last, a regular trimming here and there
can help. Not all of us can have quite as much freedom as a tree.
Somewhere along the line, we need to cut connections that may
be decaying, to grow healthier relationships anew.

So, is social pruning a bad thing? If for trees, it’s both
an investment in the long-term health of plants and in the
overall look and safety of property, it does the same thing
with people. It’s an investment in the long-term health of the
soul and in the overall look and safety of our perspective.

If social pruning at this stage is a trend, then it’s high
time to reflect. Am I a decaying branch that infests others, or
a healthy limb that makes people grow?

You may choose to stay and be better. Or you may
leave and be brought back to the forest floor in a freefall.

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CHAPTER

CHAPTER 5

ON HAPPINESS

You may not find it here.

Loneliness knows no age

Upon running down the table of contents, a couple of you might jump off to this
chapter, with the hopes of finding an answer to what happiness is all about.
I tell you now. You might not find it here. There are answers deep within that
only you can find.

“I have no one who genuinely cares about me. Does anyone else feel like this?”
“How can I get out of it and enjoy life? I am trapped. On one hand, when I’m
alone, I feel intense loneliness. But when I’m with people, I am constantly anxious
about what they think about me. “
“I feel lonelier in my early 20s than I ever have before. Is this normal?”
“Is there any way out of this? I feel so utterly depressed, I don’t feel like doing
anything. Nothing inspires me.”
These are few intriguing queries at Quora, an online community of people
providing answers to any question under the sun. At first, I wondered why such
questions were framed this way. From a highly academic discussion, queries have
eventually transitioned to emotional catharsis.
When I envisioned my 20s, I imagined parties after work, long weekend
getaways with the clique, and splurging bucks for style and travel.
Though I’ve been blessed to make some of those visions happen, what I didn’t
anticipate was the painful attack of loneliness.
Four years ago, Jeff, a friend was 20-something. “On a Saturday night, I felt
so excited to shut my lights off and indulge in watching series I’ve waited all week
long,” he says. “But when I spared some time checking my friends’ IG stories, they’d
be wallowing yet again over a street party and going to intimate dates. I knew I was
supposed to be excited watching, but it suddenly felt strange.” Jeff might have felt
like the only person in his generation to feel lonely. But the fact is, many do.

34

ASKING WHAT Contrary to popular belief that your early 20s
MAKES YOU would be an age of exploration, of milestones, and
HAPPY IS NOT of making moments, it’s actually the age where
AS SIMPLE loneliness peaks. It’s when you get puzzling spells
AS ASKING of loneliness. Puzzling because, does anyone admit
SOMEONE to being lonely in their 20s? Shows like “Crazy Ex-
THEIR Girlfriend” and “Happy Endings” didn’t utterly show
FAVORITE being in the 20s or 30s as lonely.
FOOD. YOUR
HAPPINESS When one thinks about lonely people, what
IS WHAT ONLY comes on top of mind may be older people,
YOU CAN who might have been left by their spouses, or
KNOW OF. IT’S family members. But the truth is, anyone can be
IN THE DEPTH persistently lonely at any age.
OF YOUR
SOUL. In fact, author Jo Griffin of Mental Health
Foundation studied that loneliness is especially a
problem for the younger generation, making it the
loneliest generational cohort ever.

The more you speak with people in their
20s, the more you realize that loneliness doesn’t
discriminate, and that it can hit at any age. When
you stare at someone beyond 50 years old, you’d
generally observe he’s unbothered whether things
are going as planned. But for 30 years younger,
you’d feel as if he’s carrying (alone) the world on his
shoulders even if many people surround him. That
spells the difference. Age has nothing to do with
your invincibility. For if loneliness attacks, it knows
no age.

The sinking feeling

You’re high. You’re low. And soon, you’re high
again. The cycle continues, and it’s often unstoppable.

Are these changes normal? Maybe yes, if it
doesn’t disturb you or the people around you.

Because of combined body rhythms and external
acoustics, people typically feel lively in daylight and
tend to feel drained or hushed come night. Here then,
as every stimulus determines a particular response,
many things can also trigger our mood shifts. That’s
quite normal- to an acceptable extent.

For instance, it’s normal to feel good for a day or
two, as if everything’s going your way. But to recklessly
run along pavements for no reason is atypical. Similarly,

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CHAPTER 5

it’s not uncommon to have trouble getting out of bed for a job you didn’t like. But to stay in
bed for a week and end up losing that job is a totally different story.

The point is, we should recognize that we can be extremely happy or extremely
sad. Our emotions run along that scale. There are days the sensation lasts, and there
are days it shifts abruptly. Whatever it is, know that it’s a human phenomenon and it
does happen. It’s that roller coaster ride they say.

What’s the fuss about roller coasters, anyway? Why do people get crazy braving
the long queue for less than a 3-minute ride?

The building of anticipation begins at lining up. You get cold sweats as you chug up
the climb, shaking and wondering if it was the best idea. Adrenaline pumps through with
every click and clack up the lift as the car crests its peak. When you’re on top, you feel like
you own the world with the wind dashing through your hair and your yell escaping from
the very depths of your soul. It’s a scream of exhilaration, of heaven!

That’s exactly what you feel when you’re extremely happy. You could be
unstoppable. But there is a feeling of fear too. Not because of the height, but
because it might not last.

Moments pass in a heartbeat, and the most dreaded drop is on sight. It’s just a few
clicks and clacks before the dip. As you take hold of your breath, your body takes the full
force of the wind. And now you scream loudest than you can ever imagine. Hands up!
You’re petrified, but you can’t stop. Finally, you’re dropped, weightless, ethereal.

That’s what makes roller coaster rides scary. It’s not the way up. It’s the fear
of falling. It’s the fear of feeling the lowest of emotions, taking over your capacity to
control things.

This is what we call the “sinking feeling”. When the car tips over the peak and
plunges down the loop, you’d feel yourself rising from your seat, and it’s as though
your internal organs are floating. Such weightless sensation you experience is not
at all an illusion. When you’re on top of the loop, you actually weigh less. Einstein’s
General Relativity explains it, that what we perceive as the force of gravity actually
comes from the changing geometry of space-time.

So why are people so much concerned about extreme sadness over extreme
happiness? Simply because when you’re getting low, you feel weightless, worthless,
drained. And you needed to quench your thirst. That’s why you seek for people or for
words, to give you weight, to give you substance.

It’s exactly what you need, just in time for another click and clack up the lift.
It’s never-ending.

Facial Feedback Hypothesis

Before asking the simplest question of ‘how to be happy’, you have to know
what makes you sad- the root cause of it. Because sadness doesn’t come elsewhere.
It is usually triggered by circumstance.

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You might be feeling hopeless over a mistake, eating more than usual, having
trouble sleeping or actually sleeping too much, failing to enjoy activities you used
to appreciate, having no motivation at all to try new things, and feeling exhausted
even if you’ve just been sitting the whole day. All of these are possible symptoms of
chronic grief and loneliness. But various stimuli trigger these symptoms.

Perhaps, you feel sudden loneliness upon thinking that you are single, recalling
the death of a loved one, or adjusting to a new place away from home. Another strain
of it may be felt while sitting down watching a friend achieve, witnessing the renovation
of your neighbor’s house, or chancing upon an old friend who has literally glowed up.

The fact is, you may feel unhappy either if something bad happens to you, or if
something good happens to others. That’s the tea!

Hence, you have to recognize what triggers you. Once you recognize it, you’ll
know where and how to repair.

A lot of years were spent by behavioral scientists in studying what makes
people happy and what doesn’t. And year by year, results may change. Be it known
that happiness is a predictive factor for social progress and longevity, it isn’t
something that happens out of nowhere. It requires effort. In one way or another,
conscious efforts may work out. But then again, it always depends on impulse.

Exercise, for example, has such a profound effect on our well-being, and
therefore happiness. When people get up and move, even slightly, they have a
tendency to be happier than when they are still. Simple walking or maybe swaying
to a rhythm can help. Not sure though if moving makes people happy, or happy
people just keep moving. But what’s for sure is, exercise releases endorphins that
make us feel happier. It’s not a guarantee that your physical appearance change, but
how you “feel” about your body does.

In one experiment cited by Bronson and Merryman in NutureShock, when
sleep-deprived students tried memorizing a list of words, they could recall 81%
of those with a negative connotation, like “cancer”. But for a positive word like
“sunshine” or a neutral word like “basket”, they could remember only 31% of these.

Now, that speaks about how sleep can affect our mood. My college Psychology
professor told us that the deepest stage of quiet sleep boosts our immune system.
Relatively, when we dream, we are in the REM (rapid eye movement) stage. By then,
our blood pressure, heart rate, and body temperature rise to a degree similar to when
we’re awake. This enhances not only learning and memory but also contributes to
emotional health. So, when we flunk in our exams and get that mood shift, maybe a
common excuse is “it’s not about you, it’s about my sleep.”

Call it strange, but I have this habit of trying to laugh when I’m in the midst of
crying. I don’t know if I got it from a theatre workshop way before as a kid. But I feel
gratified in challenging myself to smile and even dance while crying in deep pain.

Recently, I did some readings and I found out that smiling is one way to
ease the stress caused by an upsetting situation. Psychologists call this the “facial

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