To My 25-Year-Old Self

CHAPTER 5

feedback hypothesis”. This hypothesis is alluded to by Charles Darwin, who believed
that the expression of an emotion strengthens it, whereas its repression weakens it.
That’s because contracting muscles involved in facial expressions, be it a smile or a
grimace, can make emotions more intense.

Maybe that’s why I easily cope with deep weeping. I attract the opposite of
what I feel through my facial muscles. And there, emotions change unknowingly.

I no longer remember though the last time I did that old habit. I only recently
knew it’s called the facial feedback hypothesis. And maybe, you can test that for
yourself.

Of course, it’s important to practice “real smiles”. But for the time being, if you
can’t, then just fake it ‘til you make it!

What a 72-year study reveals

One of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies in history is the Grant
Study, a 72-year research of the lives of 268 men who entered college in the late
1930s. After decades of investigating the men’s experiences through war, career,
marriage and divorce, parenthood and grandparenthood, and old age, the
clearest message deduced is this: The only thing that truly matters in life are your
relationships with other people. Period.

George Vaillant, director of the study said, “Good relationships keep us happier
and healthier”. Imagine, it took almost a third of a century to discover this rather
simple conclusion we commonly hear.

Not how many travels you have splurged your money on. Not how much
applause you get from standing on stage, or how much power you get from winnings
and positions, or how much you vested at each.

Not one. Overall, the biggest driver of happiness boils down to love.
That’s basically why staying in touch with friends and family is one of the top
five regrets of the dying.
With more work to be done, we could multiply our annual income in
unimaginable digits. But these actual changes in income buy very little happiness.
You don’t want to die wanting to replace your top-of-the-line car with a few moments
of a missed family bonding.
Apart from love and relationships, we can also find happiness in nature. We’re at the
age where we can’t sleep without setting the alarm. But wouldn’t you rather wake up with the
morning sun caressing your cheeks? It is a proven fact that people who wake up to the first rays
of the sun are less likely to feel sluggish than those who are forced by the screaming alarm.
When in sync with nature, one’s body clock helps develop metabolism and
productivity. And an extra dose of sunshine can also boost immunity, memory,
and hormone production.

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Lately, when we transferred to a new apartment, I wake up strangely happy
every morning since my bed is situated near the window. At first, I didn’t want to
blame it on the sun. I used to hate waking up with it because I know that for the rest
of the day, it’s the only thing I’d get living in this country’s hottest city. But it was
strange. It made me thankful for waking up.

Soon enough, I read that there is indeed a science of happiness. Did you know
that happiness is maximized at 13.9 degrees Centigrade or 57 degrees Fahrenheit?
No wonder why people in their mid-20s, consider in their regimen the anticipated
“Vitamin Sea”.

Speaking about beaches and going out on a sunny day, most travels amid
pandemic were surely canceled. So, if you can’t take a trip, then just start planning.
Yes, just plan. It helps even if you don’t really take one.

A study cited by The New York Times showed that the effect of vacation anticipation
increased happiness for eight weeks. That is, happiness spikes high during the planning
stage of a vacation, as opposed to an eventual drop after the trip.

So if you can’t move out for vacations, just mark your calendars anyway, even if it
takes a year down the road. After the pandemic, we should’ve been used to the sensation
of canceled flights.

Yes, unmet plans can still be a source of happiness, after all. Remember, there
is more happiness in anticipating than what you get after traveling.

The last quadrant

By now, you might be wondering if you’ve found an answer to your question
on ‘how to be happy’. I tell you, you may have wasted few minutes of your time
searching the answer. Maybe one, two, or even none that you can find from all the
words written.

You know why? Asking what makes you happy is not as simple as asking
someone their favorite food. Your happiness is what only you can know of. It’s in the
depth of your soul.

It takes experience, practice, and constant exploration to bring out the answer.
At various team building sessions, I’ve come across Johari Window exercises a
couple of times. It’s done with different teammates under different circumstances.
But the same goal remains- to improve self-awareness and mutual understanding
between individuals in a group.
The four questions in the model fit into the four squares of a windowpane.
It’s based upon two targets- revealing your information to others, or learning about
yourself from their feedback.
The first is the “arena”, often called the open self. It’s something you know that others
know about you too. On the next side is the “blind spot” or the blind self. It’s a fact that others

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CHAPTER 5

know about you but you don’t know about yourself. Below the first square is the “façade” or
hidden self. It’s that thing known by you but unknown by others. And the last quadrant is the
“unknown self”. Neither you nor others know about it.

It’s fairly easy to recall as our teachers never ran out of activities like this before.
But lest we forget, what we’ve done in our younger years is a predictive model to
how we explain our current happiness.

Maybe in the open self, both you and others know that a newly purchased kitchen
utensil makes you happy. In the blind self, others might see you unconsciously overjoyed
seeing your ex, but you hate to admit it yourself. In the hidden self, there are crazy things
you enjoy doing inside your locked bedroom that only you know about. And lastly, in the
unknown self, no one knows what makes you happy-even yourself.

Most often than not, our question lies in the last quadrant. No matter what books and
people tell us about happiness, it doesn’t resonate with us because we too don’t know what
makes us happy.

We clamor happiness to last, but we don’t want it to come with efforts. We seek
to process our thoughts, but we don’t want to overthink. We want to fake it ‘til we
make it, but we don’t want to fool ourselves in the process.

Acknowledge this. Happiness is not definite. We define it.
For now, it may be in the last quadrant- unknown by you and by others. But
soon, it may reveal itself in one of the remaining squares. But if you can’t find it now.
It’s totally fine.
It takes years to discover. And it’s often changing through the years.

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CHAPTER

CHAPTER 6

ON FAILURE
AND SUCCESS

Trust the clouds the way you trust the stars.

It says something ‘seven’

As a kid, I usually see letters and words seemingly moving around or appearing
blurred. I never read fast, and If I do, I need to say it loud to hear myself. So,
when I’m asked to pronounce the word “clothes”, I deliver by breaking it down
into [clo] and [tes].
More so with numbers. I lose track when counting. Although I don’t skip class, I
actually skip numbers. They seem to run in circles, making me say 17 after 15. I count
on my fingers long after kids of my age have stopped doing it.

Hence, during exams, I don’t quickly gain a sense of meaning. It seems as
though a fusion of letters, numbers, and doodles is battling inside my mind. So, in
multiple-choice items, I’d rather choose the longer answer.

Early on, red marks were my confidant. The secret of my past lies between
me and the paper I used to hold. I got grades that barely had marks past 85. Also,
my report card used to be adorned by red accents subtly saying something ‘seven’.

With heads up high, I stand at the end of the line not knowing we were arranged
by rank. And when quarterly recognition comes, you’d see me sitting unaffected,
clapping loudest for my classmates on stage.

As a kid, it never bothered me. I never really knew what failure was. My mom
never told me what and how it feels to fail. So, I just saw it as a typical day, a normal
part of life—not until I saw my sisters going up on stage the year after.

Believe me, I was proud of the fact that they achieve. And it didn’t bother
me if I wasn’t. However, when I was told to be as good as them, I started to realize
there must be something I haven’t done right, that I must have to work twice as
hard as them.

Then on, I understood what failure was. It’s when I saw a standard and I knew
that I fall short of it.

This narrative may not sound extraordinary, but for sure it’s familiar. For those
who were compared, those who were tagged dumb, those who needed to replicate

42

their elder siblings, those who felt stuck
and never advancing, and for those who
can never move on from these childhood
nightmares, this isn’t just an ordinary story.

Good thing I was never pressured by
family. It’s always just me and my supposed

THEY SAY“overthinking”.

I think the concept of failure begins MISTAKES DON’T
here. While success is relative, failure too. DEFINE US. BUT TO
Aside from the superficial “passed/failed” BE HONEST, THEY
exam results, no person can really tell us we DO. THEY DEFINE
failed, other than ourselves. We set our own US THE WAY OUR
standards, we decide on who to compare SUCCESS AND
ourselves with, we determine a checklist PURPOSE DO. LET’S
of success indicators. And because we STOP THINKING
do, we’re the only ones accountable for THAT WHAT
gauging if we make marks past it or behind. CHARACTERIZES
US ARE ONLY THE
A perfect mistake GOOD THINGS.
BE IT WANTED OR
One of the most mysterious UNESCO UNWANTED, EACH
World Heritage sites is Piazza del Duomo, PIECE OF OUR
earlier known as “Miracles’ Square”. It houses STORY IS WHAT
four masterpieces that testify to the Italian MAKES US UP.
architectures’ expertise- the cathedral, the
baptistry, the cemetery, and the bell tower
which is popularly known the world over as
“The Leaning Tower of Pisa”.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa comes into
story when construction began in 1173.
Initially, it stood upright. But when the third
floor was completed after 5 years, Italians
observed that it began to lean ever so
slightly. They found out that the shifting soil
had weakened the tower’s foundations built
on a dense clay mixture. Consequently, the
tower’s weight began to diffuse downward,
reaching its weakest point.

At that moment, construction
stopped for over a hundred years. While
paving way for the soil to settle, the people
of Pisa redirected their focus on the war
with Genoa, accumulating debts, but still
examining how to correct the lean.

A hundred years later, an engineer
tried to offset the previous lean by adding

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CHAPTER 6

more floors, making one side taller than the other. However, this only caused the
tower to lean even more. Another century passed, a 7th floor was added to the
tower. And in 1838, a wrong move of digging a pathway at the base of the tower was
done to showcase the intricateness of the base. Again, this caused the tower to lean
all the more. It was mistake after mistake.

Over the next 800 years since construction commenced, the 55-meter tower was no
longer just leaning but in fact falling at a rate of one to two millimeters every year.

Strangely though, when the American soldiers invaded Pisa during World War
2, the leaning tower was saved just after a retreat took place. Maybe it was really
meant to cause miracles, as it stood on the Miracle’s Square, after all.

Two decades after the war, people didn’t want the tower to fall or lose its
leaning either. Judging from its weight and height, physicists projected that the
tower would’ve reached 5.44 degrees before it falls. But surprisingly, the tower once
tilted briefly at 5.5 degrees but never collapsed.

Since it became a symbol of the city’s rich history, they preserved its leaning- a
testament of a perfect mistake.

Call it serendipity. It’s never a plan to let lean the Tower of Pisa. But if it were
straight, it wouldn’t possibly get the popularity it has today.

Just the same, we don’t need to wait for five years before acknowledging that
we failed at some point. Normally, a mistake immediately reveals itself exactly the
moment you commit it.

The hard thing is, we habitually shrug off our mistakes as if they never
happened. We are too proud to not admit things we didn’t do right. We become
strangers to our own gaffe. We don’t take accountability for our failures. Why? Simply
because of IMAGE. We care too much about our image, on how we are seen.

Imagine, over the centuries, it took several tries to repair the Tower of Pisa. But
every time they do, it only causes the tower to lean all the more.

Look, there are things in the past we can’t undo. No matter how we repair it, it’s
the same mistake done. We can never reduce its severity.

And the more we dig, the more we top it up, the more we cover, the less chance
we actually get to be secured.

When all things fail, the only thing left is to accept.
There would come a time when we just end up trying to cover up. At this age,
we have less time to make band-aid solutions for problems we call mistakes. We
wouldn’t bother if people see scars, as we’re too tired of entertaining the image we
once wanted to perfect.
And along the line, we’d realize, we are all meant to make mistakes and be a
failure in some instances. Like the Tower of Pisa, we are all meant to lean.

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They say mistakes don’t define us. But to be honest, they do. They define us the way
our success and purpose do. Let’s stop thinking that what characterizes us are only the good
things. Be it wanted or unwanted, each piece of our story is what makes us up.

And no matter how we lean or even fall, at any degree or any rate per year, it’s
still an image worth telling- an image of a perfect mistake!

Faces in different phases

“I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games.
On 26 occasions, I have been entrusted to take the game-winning shot, and I missed.”

“I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had
imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in
modern Britain, without being homeless.”

“I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that
could have ever happened to me.”

Judging from these lines, I bet you’d know who they are. For their feats
would’ve not reached the headlines if it weren’t for the drama.

Time and again, their stories are still worth telling not because of the battles
they won, but because of hard losses taken to reach them.

After being cut from his high school varsity basketball team, Michael Jordan,
worked twice as hard in his way to be the greatest basketball player of all time.

After tons of rejection from publishers who say there’s no money in children’s
books, JK Rowling --divorced, bankrupt, and on welfare-- eventually got billions on
her popular and critically acclaimed Harry Potter series.

After being fired from a company he founded and failed on a number of
companies that followed, Steve Jobs, upon returning to Apple, led it to become the
most profitable in the US.

Come to think of it, failures are not endpoints. They are ricochets. You must hit
it to bounce back.

In fact, it’s impossible to live without even failing at any point. But unless
you’re too watchful, you may not have failed, neither have you lived at all.

Don’t get me wrong. You don’t need to kick yourself out from a team, or lose all your
money, or even get fired from work just to anticipate if the same ‘bounce back’ will ever
happen. There are different faces of failure.

You might consider being stuck up at work you never liked as a failure. Or
you may think getting sick invalidates your dreams. Marrying at a younger age or
stopping from school may sound like a stain you’ve always wanted to wash. And
staying single in your 20s may get you thinking destiny never worked in your favor.

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CHAPTER 6

Never compare your struggles with the struggles of others. Not because a thing
worked out on others could you expect the same to work out on you. Remember, we
have different contexts and different levels of tolerance.

Fear of failing is tantamount to saying fear of living. I do get that no one likes to fail.
Who would want to anyway? But ‘to fear it’ takes on a different breadth.

Let’s not go further. Take it from your own experience. How many of your past
mistakes have you forgotten? How long did rejections stay out of your mind? How
many failures can you even recall?

Failures take on different faces in different phases. They show up, and they disappear.
Initially, you feared they would happen. That’s acceptable. But life goes on.
Time will come and you would forget it ever happened. Why? Because as you keep
moving forward, you’d see less of what’s on the rearview.
Next to knowing that mistakes are part of life is actually hopefully anticipating
what a failure reveals.
And in the words of the big names, you’ll never know when your past failure
becomes the next best thing that could ever happen.

Disguised Success

If your failure turns out to be your next biggest success. Behold, your success
might disguise itself as just another failure. It’s vague.

Almost all parts of my formative years I’ve dedicated to better myself. I treaded twice
as long as what others consider a short distance. For someone living in a barrio, to study at a
premier private school takes on not just excitement but a whole bunch of courage.

When I first entered school, I felt so small. Others seemed to be way smarter than I
was. I became too intimidated by kids who are ‘pampered’, those who have friends, who
have private tutors, and who can articulate their minds effortlessly. When I thought school
can let me discover what I’m capable of, it actually hit me first by showing what I lack.

But like what an old vinyl record plate says, as personified by my mom, “success is
built in a multitude of failures”.

That’s why I had to push my limits if not just double my efforts. How many
years? It took beyond a decade before I got my big breaks.

Helping finance my studies was that chance to consistently be on the
president’s list. I juggled this while representing school in various competitions
here and abroad. With such, I enjoyed the perks of traveling mostly for free and
meeting big names in industries. I’ve finished studies with flying colors and landed
a dream job, not getting the dream pay yet but still very fortunate. Years after, I’ve
got accepted on a rare scholarship in the US for a short-term study in a premier
university. And until now, I can still vividly recall how I took part in a contingent that
trailblazed the Philippine flag throughout the seas of Japan and ASEAN.

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Fast forward, now that I currently stare at my collection of medals and plaques,
I can’t help but ask myself, are these truly what I only desire in life?

I would be a hypocrite to say this isn’t the kind of success I want. It does. But
when I feel lonely at night or feeling unmotivated for unknown reasons, these exact
medals and plaques cannot even give me the hug I’ve ever needed.

They can’t give me the time, the service, and the touch that speak about my
love languages. They are just plainly displayed on a corner, with good memories
inscribed. But never do they act as ‘real’ people.

That’s when it dawned on me that there is more to just finishing school,
or having a good-paying job, or traveling at your own expense. There’s more
to simply looking good, or getting a flock of followers, or having checked your
bucket list before your 30s. All these are passing.

When I thought these are what constitute success, it revealed itself as just
another failure.

I relied too much on the thought that when I feel down, I can draw strength
from these achievements to get back up. Less I know, they can only do so much.

Now, we’re back on the issue of happiness. How is it related to success?
I’d say, what makes you successful doesn’t necessarily make you happy. But
what makes you happy often predicts your success.
You can be happy living with your family even if finding a job seems to be uncertain. You
can be contented staying with a partner even if the relationship is on the rock. You can satisfy
your hunger to see the world even if it means chasing it alone. Even if these don’t merit to you
as a success, it still makes you happy because you choose it; hence, you achieve.
Not all successes in life are plated gold. Most of which can rust.
And rarely do we recognize that success lies in the most uncertain and the
most unstable stages of our lives.
Precisely, we’re at the age when we choose to appreciate real success in small
things than in big ones.

Trust the clouds

As an adage puts it so well, you’re only as good as your last.
In this phase of our lives when growth is the ultimate manifestation of success,
we’re always on the lookout for where we grow. If it meant hopping from one job to
the other, or changing addresses, or putting an end to a toxic relationship, we don’t
mind making bold decisions, so long as we grow.
After gaining success after success, I got used to seeing great things as normal things. It
felt so normal that it no longer served me the ‘cloud nine’ sensation it used to do.
And when a single thing didn’t go right, it felt so big than it’s supposed to.

47

Just then, I knew too much success can be unhealthy too.
However, there was a point in my life when I stopped chasing big things. When
I stopped growing, I felt I’m not as good as I was.
There were things I unlearned and things I was no longer capable of.
Undeniably, it felt hard keeping up with the new breeds budding from their shells.
And since it’s threatening, positioning was never certain.
A friend once told me that we are stars in our own rights. Once we shine, we
are unstoppable.
Stars continuously crush themselves inward, while the gravitational friction of this
causes their interiors to heat up, and eventually shine.
Here’s the thing. Before one even begins to sparkle, there is an inward crushing of the
self. That meant conquering doubts, defeating fears, and igniting a dying fervor.
Finally, when a star becomes too hot that nuclear reaction takes place, energy is
released to keep it shining for billions of years. However, it takes about 20 million years for a
new star to get to this point.
Simple logic applies. We can’t force ourselves to peak at certain moments.
There’s just that maturity level that propels one to have sustained success. Although,
it usually takes longer than expected.
So, when it’s forced, it’s passing.
Not at all times can you chance upon a star at night. You might not see stars on some
skies where there were before. That’s because it might be a little hazy.
Similarly, when we’re not in good shape, feeling stuck up and not moving, it doesn’t
mean we’re not shining. We do. But maybe we’re just covered by clouds, to give way for
other shining stars to be seen.
When you know you excel on something, chances are, there could be others who do
better than you. In that case, you may just be clouded. It doesn’t mean you’re no longer
shining. You still are. But you’re just behind the clouds, giving some moments for others to
be noticed as well.
Trust the skies, the gravity, and the crushing within. Trust your right of being a star. But
when feeling gray, trust the clouds.

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CHAPTER

CHAPTER 7

PRISONER

POV on POW’s

Prisoner of worry

In the ancient saga of warfare, the defeated enemy is usually either killed or
enslaved by the victor. Be it combatant or civilian, so long as you’re considered a
threat or a burden, you’re disposed of in a similar fashion.

These captives are what they call “prisoners of war”. They are totally at the
mercy of their captors.

But today and in most cases, prisoners are not just found behind bars. Some
are in regular work, others under a castle, and maybe one is reading at the moment.

Captors too are no longer just another military force. They may be unseen, or
a thought process.

Our mid-20s should be an intersection of endless possibilities, we were told.
We’ve escaped the eyes of our parents and got hold of ample independence.

The young call it freedom regained. But let’s be real. We’re still captives of our
own thinking. Our days consist of a whole lot of uncertainty, panic, and paranoia.

We question our own decisions and fret over how things turn out in the future.
“What the heck have I just done? What am I doing with my life? So, what’s next to
this?” Although no one’s asking, you hear it scream loudly in mind.

That’s just how we worry too much. We want everything- big or small- figured
out all at once.

While we do something at the moment, our minds are way ahead thinking of
the future. You might be reading at the moment, but on the sideline, your mind clock
alarms you of an important thing to do next.

It must have felt so carefree to just walk on pavements and dash through gentle
winds. But when you do, you start thinking of things you must get done exactly after
walking or once you get back home.

As it happens, we live in the present, but our minds travel in the future. We’re
too much forward-looking that we fail to appreciate the power of ‘now’.

50

Sure, chance favors a prepared mind. But mind out of presence swiftly slips
away chances. Because we worry a lot, we miss a lot.

Doubts and anxieties are normal. It’s natural to worry about how to put food
on the table, an upcoming business presentation, or a first date. But constantly
worrying about worst cases in the future you don’t even have a hold on, definitely
takes a heavy toll.

Metacognition, a seemingly big word, is what most of us do every time without even
noticing. In theory, it’s a way for us to be aware of our thought processes and understand the
patterns behind them. But simply put, it’s really thinking about thinking.

However, excessively ruminating on things like “I shouldn’t have said that earlier!” or
“They were right when they have called me dumb” go beyond just metacognition.

Overthinking.
You keep thinking of the same thing in circles, over and beyond its likelihood.
When the mind becomes a breeding ground for negative thoughts, then it’s
exactly what happens before it should even happen.
To live on a foot of a volcano, you know since day one that it may erupt at one
point or never in your lifetime. But you don’t have to ruin your entire life worrying day
after day whether it will soon explode. Your worry doesn’t have to do anything with the
volcano’s capacity to burst. So, in cases like this when things are beyond your control,
they should also stay beyond your concern.
No one deserves to be a prisoner of worry, where the captive and the captor both
reside within. And so, the keyword here is “surrender”. You just got to entrust things
beyond your human capacity.
Remember, no one knows tomorrow.

Prisoner of work

Okay, let’s be real. Most of our daily time is devoted to work. Whether it be as
an employee, employer, freelancer, or family’s housekeeper, we all wake up with our
body’s automatic response towards work.

Looking closely at our timetable, how much of it does work take up?
I doubt if someone could sleep without first doing a kind of ‘mind-mapping’ on
how to get the next day through. And while your body currently works on something,
your mind figures out the next job orders in line.
In most cases, you get a job finished without you even noticing it. You feel as
if they just keep coming, and you never run out of errands. It’s just work after work.
And your life simply revolves around that bubble.
As a matter of fact, there are two prisoners of work. One is someone who does
things too much, and the other hates a job but does it, nonetheless.

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The former is few. And most of them are tenured who have no way out. But a couple of
young adults today also fall on this kind. They are those who jump out of bed an hour before
the alarm and move in haste as if someone’s chasing. You’ll find them the first to turn in
their biometrics and last to leave. Though they get a workload and salary no different from
others, they spend a significantly longer time at work.

Consider it busy. But being busy doesn’t always mean productivity.
The latter kind is rather a broken record. You’d always find that one friend who vents
out the same frustrations at work over and over again. They drag themselves out of bed,
put in their eight hours, and wait until the clock strikes at 5:01, ever ready to go. You’ll
see them most motivated on paydays but less as it approaches. Though they may
be physically present at work, it doesn’t make any difference when they’re on leave.
Hard truth is, not many truly want the job they are in. Research shows that 1 in
every 4 workers plan to switch jobs, mainly because of either an issue of burnout or
an issue of job mismatch.
Whatever it is, no job will ever make your whole life trouble-free—not even that thing
you called ‘following my passion.’
Landing on a job or getting a promotion means getting increased
responsibilities and longer work hours. In such cases, our job takes precedence over
everything else in our lives. That’s when disruption happens. When all that matters
to us is the world of our work, we fail to set aside our own well-being.
When industrialists and unions alike in the 1800s agreed that workers needed a day
off, it’s when a relatively modern concept of prioritizing both the demands of work and of
personal life immersed. It’s later called “work-life balance”.
And centuries after, it remains a concept one can hardly fathom.
If you find work problematic at your age now, know that it’s true to all ages in
the workforce.
Look, your job doesn’t own you as you are just indispensable. You can work
all day you want but when the worst things happen- sickness, burnout, getting
fired- the workload you’re too devoted to can never defend nor save you.
When a proverb says “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” it meant that
without a time off from work, you can get easily burned out. However, it would seem
likely that ‘all play’ would be dull too. This is when you need to take the balance.
In riding a bicycle, you’ll only establish balance when you keep moving. You don’t
pedal too fast nor too slow, or else you lose control. The same sense operates in work.
Giving too much or too little makes you eventually lose it.
Own your ride. Own your work. But either way, don’t let it own you.

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Prisoner of ‘what ifs’

We do acknowledge unfulfilled desires. We have a bunch of them. Some typically cause
our frustrations, others our driving force, but most of them remain in between dreams and
doubts- our ‘what ifs’.

What if I worked overseas? What if I pursued my real passion? What if I grabbed
that missed opportunity? What if I didn’t consider what others have to say? What if I
took the risk, regardless?

These disturbing thoughts are instead rhetorical questions that never seek
exact answers. We ask them not to get a response but to indulge ourselves in
imagining possibilities.

It’s always puzzling to feel things the other way around. No one knows whether it be
better or worse. But we never take pleasure in certainty. We want to try options and we want
to experience rare moments that ‘could’ve happened’, regardless of consequence.

You know why more and more adults feel like never contented? It’s because
the world gives us too many options and we end up frustrated for not taking one or
not taking it all. We always have that feeling of wanting to break free. And if we can’t,
it triggers us to break down.

Embrace ‘what is’ over ‘what ifs’- a line too much messianic to calm our rage.
It does work in some ways like celebrating little wins, accepting the unchangeable,
and embracing limits.

But settling on something ‘you feel can still be better’ never makes a man
content enough.

At this breaking-free age, we choose to invest our time chasing possibilities.
But just like in the principle of stock market, you only invest in something you can
afford to lose. So, if you want to earn possibilities, be ready to lose some.

One thing I learned while on the ship was to gamble with possibilities. If you bet your
chips, either you win or you lose. But if you don’t bet at all, you waste your time.

When you take a try on your ‘what ifs’, you have a 50% chance of succeeding
and a 50% chance of failing. But if you persist with your ‘what is’, you’re likely to have
0% chance of anything.

Now, if you’re a young adult who seeks growth, would you ever bet?
When feeling haunted by unfulfilled desires, the only way to set free from the
barrels of ‘what ifs’ is to take chances.
I don’t call it taking risks. I call it taking chances.
It’s not as though you take the risk only to get a chance. The rather
straightforward mindset is to take the chance even if there are risks.

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Prisoner of wealth CHAPTER 7

If you start wondering how much you HOWEVER, AS
should have in savings by the time you WE DESIRE TOO
retire, or how much growth your money gets MUCH FREEDOM
when you invest, then you’re likely in your FROM RULES AND
mid-20s. PREJUDICES, MAY
WE NOT QUESTION
Most financial analysts agree that THE SIMPLEST OF
young adults should save at least 10% THINGS. WE DON’T
of their income. But truth is, by simply NEED TO COMPLAIN
thinking of joining ‘never to be missed’ ABOUT WHY WE
annual travels, hoarding items from your HAVE TO STAND
online haul, taking a weekend night out for ON THE RIGHT
the needed unwinding, and paying off your AND WALK ON THE
credit card debts, mobile phone plans, and LEFT. WE DON’T
auto loans-- that supposed 10% savings NEED TO JUSTIFY
bring you at your wit’s end. OUR MISTAKES
AND COME OUT
That’s why now more than ever, UNTAINTED. WE
most people start investing in stocks, real DON’T NEED TO
estate, or bonds. They buy insurance and SPEAK ALL THE
enter cooperatives. They raise shares on
retirement funds and other social welfare TIME.
services.

A recent study shows that millennials
are already joining the “retirement-saving
bandwagon”, which until now, I can’t fully
fathom if it’s a good thing or not.

Think of this, you work to save; and,
you save so that you’d never worry for
your future. However, along the process,
you worry too much about paying your
mortgages and your contributions. And
worse is, you worry too much if you don’t
save as much as others do.

It’s just like consuming all your worries
today, so no worry is left in the future.

Let me be clear. I’m not opposing
any insurance program be it government-
mandated or not, nor do I oppose saving for
retirement. I, too, work for these.

But when the pressure of ‘saving’
consumes us, we become no less than a
worrier. That’s when the danger comes.

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I asked a friend who, I know, has a huge potential to make money and name
abroad if she ever had plans leaving the country to earn big. In response, she asked
me to qualify what I meant by ‘big’. Without pretensions, I told her I meant big
money, big house, big breaks, and whatnot.

And I was left pondering all night when she said that ‘big’ doesn’t necessarily
mean ‘more’. She earns just enough to support her family’s daily needs. She lives in a
typical house enough to take a rest in and move around. She accepts opportunities
from work enough to let her grow. For her, ‘big’ meant ‘enough’.

No doubt, there’s truth in it. As we navigate through life, we find society cruel of
making us feel that security is measured by savings, or by wealth.

That’s when we get pressured to find higher-paying jobs, move into greener
pastures, or let other people feel as if we’re living the good life now when all we do
was to pretend.

Why the rush? Are these what we truly want in life? Or are these what others
want, that we feel we also needed to have?

Take it from an owner of a thrift shop who was too worried for not being able
to sell her products. Most people come to her shop but end up purchasing nothing.
Amid quarantine, the owner decided to give a try on virtual live selling. And she was
surprised by the number of people who compete against each other, to get an item
which has been on display for years but never been sold.

Then on, she realized that customers don’t likely buy products when they walk
in to the store. But when they feel that they are competing with someone, they take
pleasure in being the first one to get it.

Surely, most of the wealth we worry about is not really the things we want.
Maybe, seeing them owned by others makes us feel we like it too.

That’s why even if we get them all, we end up looking for more- precisely
because it’s what others want. Not ours.

Prisoner of wisdom

Admit it. After we finish school and start making money, we feel as if we’ve
got all the wisdom in the world. We don’t want to be dictated for our choices, just
because we’re now independent and we’re old enough to make decisions. We rely
too much on our personal beliefs. We speak up. And we question rules.

More and more individuals in their early 20s protest on streets and rally causes.
Studies say youth activism is on the rise around the globe because of one, they despise any
form of injustice; two, they challenge norms; and three, they just join the crowd.

Most people find platforms on work, society, or media that can amplify their
voices. When they do find it, they can be unstoppable.

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CHAPTER 7

When a current system favors one over the other, the initial response is to
question equity- “Why only them? How about us?” And assuming to understand all
arguments on an issue, they frame one’s thinking that they’re right, and all else are
just another form of bigotry.

People have also grown to be discontent with anything mediocre. That is, to
not settle for less, to find motives on unreasonable judgments, to get rid of prejudice
against a person or a group, and to just simply challenge the unchanging.

In recent years, I have come across several people, young and old alike, who
have been taken out from certain affiliations because of braving bold moves to
speak. They took chances to be heard regardless of potential risks. But if you’d
ask if they ever regret taking a stand. Normally, they’d say they never regret
speaking, but they do regret their timing.

In this time where every word counts, one has to err on the side of caution.
Each has a pearl of wisdom within- mostly clashing against others. And what
goes with being wise is having the right timing- that is to consider right context, right
platform, right approach, and above all, right person.
Being all-knowing is different from being wise. You can be smart but still lack
wisdom. Many times, because we know a lot, we question what others do wrong the
same way as we reason out the things we don’t do right. We always wanted to end
up winning arguments.
Take a look at radical tweets, many experts come out on social media. Each
one has a say on something and believes to have said best. Each one demands to
be heard and deems to be entitled. There are just too many solutions that they leave
a single problem unsolved.
Our sixth sense might make us perceive that the more experts, the better. But
Tilcsik and Almandoz were right in saying that having too many experts on the board
usually backfires.
They identified three common factors. First is ‘cognitive entrenchment’ which
means that as we gain deeper expertise in a certain field, we become less flexible
in changing perspectives. Second is ‘overconfidence’. When we assume we’re well
versed in an area, we feel we can never go wrong in taking chances. On the other
hand, non-experts, due to fear are in fact the ones being more cautious and critical.
Last is ‘task conflict’. The more superior we become, the less likely we are challenged by
others to justify our assumptions, ending up having subordinates submissively agree
and entirely suppress their equally plausible alternatives.
Of course, we desire enlightenment. We desire prudence. That’s how we can
work our way out of biases.
However, as we desire too much freedom from rules and prejudices, may we
not question the simplest of things. We don’t need to complain about why we have
to stand on the right and walk on the left. We don’t need to justify our mistakes and
come out untainted. We don’t need to speak all the time.
Yes, we need wisdom. We have it. But we need not imprison ourselves in our
own thinking.

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CHAPTER

CHAPTER 8

B SAONTCHTOOLSINEG

Want to say something or
have something to say?

Emotions delayed aren’t emotions denied

Having dealt with students who are both young ones and once young, I realized
early on that in teaching, I can’t face different bullets all at once.

I was made to understand that tantrums aren’t found only in toddlers. A
strange kind of tantrum can be found too in transitioning ages. A 6th grader might
skip from post-class clean-up to play with peers. Maybe after repeating the same
instructions twice, thrice, a high schooler may still ask how to go about answering
an exam. Sure, there’s always that one student in a college class who asks questions
that he already knows the answer to. And in the post-grad, being busy from work or
prior commitments are top reasons you get quite a lot, after having students attend
class just on the last day of the sem.

Different ages, different reasons.
If on average, I have 5 classes at day time and 1 class at night, having 40
students in each class, then that means I deal about 240 students daily. That
excludes another set of classes on weekends.
I knew ahead of time that handling this number of people who have varying
concerns is a typical case in teaching, if only because it teaches me one thing- how
to pick my battles with my students.
There is a thing called ‘compartmentalizing emotions’. That is to manage
emotions in such a way that your mood in one class will not in any way affect your
mood in another. However ideal, it’s always easier said than done.
In all honestly, it’s hard to tame emotions on a straight 4-hour class with 4 sets
of students. Somehow, you’ll take with you the feeling of anger, laughter, frustration,
delight, and everything in between, as you hop from one room to the other.

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I never got the hang of dismissing emotions. I deal with them right there and
then. But when I saw I couldn’t handle a sudden shift of emotions, that was the
beginning of a hard career lesson. That lesson? It’s to figure out what battles are
worth having in class, and those I should be skipping out on.

You see, I have a limited time with them. I can’t spend my whole session screaming
my frustrations out and trying to fix the flaws of every single student.

Many a time, I have to call out misbehavior right away and settle arguments
that may rather lead elsewhere. But in the process, I learned the skill of holding
my tongue with such fierce restraint. I call it ‘procrastinating emotions’.

Just as recent studies reveal, procrastination is an issue of managing our emotions,
not our time. Some tasks we hold off are tasks that may sound either difficult, impossible,
or just boring. That’s why we make ourselves feel better meantime like dilly-dallying or
hemming and hawing before going into action, hence, the delay.

That same logic of procrastination works well too on figuring out what’s worthy of our
emotion. It doesn’t mean we’re totally dismissing it. We just begin by acknowledging that
we can’t take that bullet, then shifting to things that can instead make us feel better at the
moment.

In the end, the logic remains. Emotions delayed aren’t always emotions denied.

Saving your last bullet

While you can’t face varying bullets all at once, you can control your own.
Ancient warfare tactics allow combatants to save their last bullets not for
themselves but for battles that matter most.
Since they treat every gun as though it can fire at any time, they’re advised not
to pull the trigger until they actually intend to shoot.
This tactic, or rather firearm safety measure remains true today in almost any
kind of war. Be it war against others, against nature, or against self, know where
to point your muzzle. No target is so important that you cannot take time being
absolutely certain before you decide to pull the trigger.
What does this imply? Your energy is just as limited as your gun’s bullet. To
conquer war of any sorts, making sure who and when to shoot is just the same
decisiveness you need in knowing when to burst and who to deal with.
You might spend too much time and emotions on some petty disputes that
are insignificant anyway. Maybe, this includes wasting hours questioning a customer service
representative over unbilled charges or posting outright grudges on someone who doesn’t
even see your post online. It can be as shallow as whining in a coffee shop after receiving
grande in place of an ordered venti or having minutes of heated argument with a driver who
almost hit you while you’re crossing on a ‘don’t walk’ signal.

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CHAPTER 8

Anger outburst needs anger management.

Most of us have lost it during a disagreement or while being stuck in bad traffic.
We’d notice our breathing getting quicker and thinner, and the best way to handle
this is through controlled deep breathing. We have to take it slow, getting it through
our nose and out of our mouth.

Such process takes our focus off whatever’s angering us- from having our brain
send a signal that puts our body in “crisis mode”, deep breaths redirect us to our
‘normal state’. Only then can we move forward.

Another case on point is drifting and motor racing. In drifting, it’s quite easy to
maneuver a car while turning. You basically rotate the car’s steering wheel to your
preferred direction. And once you do this, physics will take over, taking your car away
from your control. However, driving a race car takes a lot more physical effort than
one thinks. A remarkable phenomenon is that if you want to hasten your speed on
a race, the secret of a good turn is that single short retreat before a full acceleration.

Similar engines and maneuvers work in our mind and body. That single short
retreat before a full acceleration is what commonly saves us from an otherwise
pointless discord. There’s wisdom in stepping back and zooming things out to study
what makes up the bigger picture. That stepping back is normally disguised by our
silence and deep breaths.

While we need to save our last bullets for battles that matter, we too need that quick
backstep to ponder on when to take the next step forward… wiser.

Conflict and its kinds

On the get-go, the central point why we even talk about this whole concept of
‘choosing your battle’ is because of tension. This crucial tension, also commonly called
“conflict” in literature, is characterized by a struggle between two opposing forces.

Opposing forces? For the time being, while you may think you have no grudges on
anyone, know that in your subconscious, you have those little opposing forces awaiting
to be activated.

When it takes two to tango, it takes one, two, or more to create a conflict.
Only that, all conflicts fall into two categories- those that happen within you, and
those beyond your control. In the words of the wise, what you choose to pit your
characters against will have a significant effect on what kind of story you tell.

The most common type of external conflict is ‘man vs. man’, whereby one
character’s needs or wants are at odds with another’s. This can be as straightforward
as a fistfight, or a shady post against someone you feel annoying. Such struggle
with another person hinders you towards achieving your goal, or simply your wants.

After being told you’re old enough to get things done, you may still have a family
member who minds your every move and dictates your choices. While supposedly
mentoring you to grow, there could be that boss who impedes opportunities on the

60

way just because you’re a threat. And when
it’s been years since graduation, you’d still feel
that silent competition against an old-school
rival. Admit it or not, these may be battles we
don’t give a game face on, but they are there
silently triggering our little frustrations.

It’s one of those rare cases to survive
227 days with a Bengal tiger on a lifeboat.
When everything was screaming- the sea,
the wind, and his heart, the renowned
movie character ‘Pi’ showed us that
struggling with nature is nothing short of
miraculous. This is a perfect testament
to another kind of conflict called ‘man vs.
nature’. Being stranded on the ocean with
a boat, a tiger, and unpredictable weather
brings us to the idea that nature charges
forth undeterred.

AT THIS AGE Similarly, we can spend the whole
WHERE IT’S time shouting against the rising flood or
EASIER TO FIND grumble against getting wet under the
A TOXIC PLACE rain, but still, what can we do? Most people
THAN A PEACEFUL complain when it gets too hot in summer
ONE, THESE ARE or too cold in winter. But that’s just how
THE GREATEST season works. And so, these little whines
WEAPONS OF ALL here and there could not in any way change
TIME- MEEKNESS, the course of nature. Like in the Life of Pi, the
DEEP BREATHS, real struggle is not against natural forces;
AND SILENCE. it’s against our perspectives. Perspective
changes everything. How we choose to see
a situation is the situation itself.

The third common conflict is ‘man
vs society’ which most millennials grapple
with. With just too many social norms,
our early 20s self is always on the lookout
for defying standards. You’d see couples
becoming restless for not tying the knot due
to differences in religion or legislations. One
may be called out for sporting loud-color
dresses when fashion calls for self-expression.
In pursuit of academic freedom, someone
can go as far as rallying amendmets against
school regulations. And with no-holds-barred,
people utterly voice out disagreement on
old traditions because of a highly globalized
context and a ‘that-was-before’ mentality.
These are conflicts we don’t even notice we

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CHAPTER 8

struggle with. They have effortlessly become part of our reasoning and therefore part of
what we call a society-induced battle.

All these types of conflict are external- meaning that a person comes up
against an outside force that creates conflict. However, there’s only one kind that
falls as internal conflict. That is ‘man vs. himself’.

It involves a struggle to discern what the moral or “right” choice is, to clear
out conscience, or to process mental health triggers. As a literary device, this kind
of conflict against self is when a character struggles with his or her own opposing
desires or beliefs.

Surprisingly though, studies say that majority of people in their mid-20s find
most of their battles running along this line. Real conflicts are not really found on
simple grudges against another person, nor is it found on unpredictable course of
nature and what society dictates us to do and to be. Real conflicts are found within.
That’s when you struggle with your supposed ‘mature thinking’.

A child simply attacks problems because whatever isn’t part of what he wants,
he hates. For an adulting person, it’s different. Things you want are also things you
hate. A child’s mind is always his ally. But an adult’s mind can be both a friend and
a foe.

That’s what adulting thinking is. We take pleasure in fighting against our own
beliefs. But why? It’s because it no longer matters if we can’t win over other people,
or if we can’t figure out how to escape from nature’s wrath, or even if we can’t change
the norm. What matters more is coming to terms with our own thinking. At the end of
the day, it’s better to save our soul than to save our pride.

That’s a conflict only us can face…any way, all the time, all the way.

That thing that never betrays you

Think of these five things: library, underwater, mountain top, forest, and
cemetery. What do they have in common? The answer is silence. They have silence
in them that people have used as some surprising forms of escape.

I remember going out for lunch with an acquaintance I just recently met. He
was educated and fairly well-informed. I knew there’d be so much wisdom to pick
from his brain.

First few minutes were full of ‘aha’ moments. I was initially in awe of his unparalleled
brilliance. But he continued and never stopped talking. I mean, he just couldn’t. I thought
I was speechless, less I know, I was actually bored.

I know he was nothing short of brilliant, but I could never imagine that a
person could actually talk so much and breathe so little. As far as I remember, I said
almost nothing. He totally defied the rule of turn-taking and just earned all the right
to speak. And wait, I could not remember everything he said, not because his words
are deep, but because his empty words aren’t really saying anything.

Easy to judge. But we also do that. We do that a lot when we just talk and talk
without really saying anything at all.

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When people we know are victims, we act as if we’re obligated to speak on
their behalf. When planning something, we make sure we have a say on everything.
When all else speak, we feel the need to speak as well… not really because we have
something to say, but because we want to say something.

There’s a big difference between having something to say with wanting to
say something.

There are times we speak solely because we want to feel we’re heard and have our
presence acknowledged. We just want to feel we matter and we count.

However, not speaking at all doesn’t mean we’re not thinking. Who says it’s
awkward to have moments when you just don’t have anything to say? There’s nothing
wrong with silence, especially if it’s a choice more than a right.

By the time you reach your 20s, you either speak too much or just feel too
tired to speak at all. Whichever between the two, it’s valid. It’s valid because it would
always be your choice.

What I’d like to point out here is to stop pressuring yourself or others to speak
about something when you don’t feel like doing it. Your voice or your silence is just
as precious as your mental health.

When you talk less, you can say more. That’s the wisdom of silence. The space
between our words and our thinking is where our soul and intuition reside.

In this age where there’s full of wise and all-knowing, and in this world where
faces transform as you turn your back, silence is the only thing that would never
betray you.

It’s never a sign of weakness. In most cases, it’s a strength to remain silent.
Hence, respect other’s silence as they respect yours.

Remember, there are always things better left unsaid. Listen to silence. It has
many things to say.

The greatest weapons of all time

Let’s go back to the issue of battle. Does it always take a fighting form to win?
True, we are taught to win from an early age. We are taught to put our best foot
forward in any competition at school. We are forced to say the truth about what we heard
and what we saw. We are told to keep an eye on strangers who might be chasing us on the
streets. And we are reminded to play our cards well so as not to lose a game.
Every day is a battle. And at an early age, we are taught to fight…to win.
But what if we look at it the other way around? What if we’re taught early on
that conceding is a form of winning? Will it ever make sense? I reckon it does.
Again, it’s a matter of preconceived notion. The concept of winning embedded in our
childhood tells us that what determines victory is our capacity to fight. However, even with
our maximum capacity to fight, there’s never a guarantee of winning.

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So what if I give up a dream of working abroad for the sake of staying with my
family? What if I quit a toxic job to discover more what I can still do? What if I lost on a
heated argument because I was rushing for errands? What if I cut ties with old friends
and partners to focus on my own well-being? Does that mean I lost all these battles
just because I didn’t choose to fight?

Let’s change the narrative.
At this age where it’s easier to find a toxic place than a peaceful one, these are
the greatest weapons of all time- meekness, deep breaths, and silence.
Conceding doesn’t always mean losing. Dictionaries of almost all sorts tell us
that the closest definition of this is to admit and to surrender. Meaning, it’s an act of
finally accepting that fate doesn’t rely on human capacity alone, and it’s an act of
yielding on things that are over and beyond our control.
We have a limited time. And with it goes limited choices. We can’t be heroes
every day, just as we can’t be talking all the time. There are decisions we can’t
perfect, just as there are plans that may not work in our favor.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let loose. In the rise of a modern form of ostracism
called “cancel culture”, we don’t just withdraw support for public figures in response
to their objectionable behavior. We too can cancel our own preconceived notion of
what it meant by winning.
Choose what’s worth your time. Study the cost-benefit. But if you do, learn that
every benefit has its cost- time, investment, effort, emotion, and a whole lot of forward
and backward strides.
However, our decisions don’t end in ‘choosing our battles’. We still need to
acknowledge that not all battles are won.
Between the urge to fight and the desire to surrender lies the real war. That’s what
we have to win- not the battle itself but the choices we make.

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CHAPTER

CHAPTER 9

T EIMELIN

We. Just. Can’t. Be. The. Same.

“All the world’s a stage.”

Internet is weird. It doesn’t breathe but it intimidates. It gives you all emotions in
the world but it stays unaffected. It can be both what you need and what you don’t.
What a weird place it is.
It has its magic. It’s scintillating. It moves.
Shakespeare was right in saying “All the world’s a stage.” And I reckon that if the
world we know now revolves around everything we see on screen, then social media
is no less than a stage… “And all the men and women merely players”.

How many shots does it take to finally get the angle worthy for the gram? How
long does it take to wait for a perfect flat lay before finally eating a meal? And after
carefully curating the feed, how many of the posts are indeed true?

Humans are innately social creatures. We love connecting with people. But
with that inherent trait goes another human attribute- we are competitive species.
We love showing off to a certain extent.

It has been made known ever since that social media is here to connect us.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to remember this when you browse over ‘ideal’ lifestyles and
‘perfect’ relationships that don’t even exist. This is where the problem begins. When
it’s supposed to link us, it breeds comparison.

Social media triggers our hunger for fantasy. But we’re only seeing an intricately
curated slice of someone’s life, which they’ve probably spanked a filter on.

Everything in social media is real-time. Everything is quick. And it’s also the quickest
in changing our emotions. You’re bored? Go to social media and sure you’ll be entertained.
You’re happy? Go to social media and you’ll strangely feel dissatisfied. However you initially
feel is subject to quick change once you scroll the screen. Why? It’s not really what you see
from others. It’s what you don’t see from yourself in comparison to others.

Comparison is the death of contentment.
Studies even prove that social media users tend to show themselves online
in favorable ways- most of which aren’t true at all. And with that, constant scrolling
affects self-perception and happiness levels.

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There’s nothing wrong with seeing pictures of other people’s idealized vacations,
perfect family bonding, busy social lives, how they adapt a positive mindset, how they live a
good life, and how they are always having sumptuous meals.

But when we begin to compare, that’s the death of our supposed serenity.
We love seeing photos we don’t love at all. For what? For us to know who we
need to be at par with and what we need to surpass.
Ever wondered why Facebook loves to update its features and users love to
kvetch about it? It’s because love it or hate it, Facebook gives you personal space.
From the photos you upload, to the people that you add, and the comments that
you accept, you curate your own wall. You have your own timeline, and others have
theirs. No two timelines look exactly the same. So why compare?

The unrecognized ‘popcorn’

“All the world’s a stage. And all the men and women merely players.” I can’t veer away
from how Shakespeare perfectly worded this metaphor. True enough, we love showing off
but we hate others do the same. We pretend, we impress, we boast. We’re so good at it!

And just like watching any movie or any stage show, it’s always better paired with
popcorn. Wait. Did I just say popcorn?

When we’re too glued with what we watch, we seldom recognize what we put
into our mouths while settling into the movie’s idea. It’s the popcorn. It’s like a front
act that warms us up before the main show. But what we didn’t know is while it’s
often unrecognized, it tells a lot about how we all have to put on a good show.

Take a look at this. Popcorn is tossed in the same pot, at the same moment,
under the same heat, in the same oil, with the same person shaking it. But what’s
strange is, the kernels don’t pop at the same time.

What does it tell? We are all tossed in the same world, under the same sun, from
the same creator, with the same chance to navigate. However, we don’t achieve the
same. We live with different people, in different opportunities, from different time
zones, in different circumstances.

So don’t compare yourself to others. Like the corn, your turn to pop is coming.
Some are born privileged, some are unfortunate. Some may have children,
some may have none. Some have the means, some have nothing at all. And some
understand, some don’t.
We. Just. Can’t. Be. The. Same.
Some time ago, I’ve started to hate corns just because we lost a huge amount
of capital when the weather didn’t favor our fields. Even if I desired to handle our
field, my father used to say luck in planting has never been ours.
But staring at a popcorn now, I would say our Creator must have been so kind
after all. Imagine, it’s easy to throw a dried cob filled with corns that have gone hard.
But no. It’s not a waste. Take those hard seeds that can seemingly break your teeth,

67

put them in a pot with oil and a little heat. CHAPTER 9
And voilà! They’ll pop up soft and tasty.

However, they don’t look the same. BUT WHEN WE
There’s a perfect variety of shapes with RECALIBRATE OUR
each popped corn. Each is different and PERSPECTIVE, DO
incomparable with every batch, with every
pot, and with every bowl. WE REALLY DO
THINGS BECAUSE
And apart from this, one amazing
thing about popcorn is its versatility. It’s IT’S WHAT WE
bare. It’s open. You can add salt to make WANT, OR WE’RE
it savory, sugar to make it sweet, butter to
make it creamy, or just eat it as it is. JUST AFRAID
OF MISSING IT
These variety and versatility of a popcorn OUT? THERE’S A
are quite telling. We are all unique and we have BIG DIFFERENCE
different shapes. We can’t feel bad about seeing BETWEEN WHAT
others who don’t have same shape as ours. We
can’t boast about being the first to pop up when YOU TRULY
it doesn’t really matter when tossed in the same WANT AND WHAT
bowl. We are all different.
YOU’RE AFRAID
But what makes us similar is our OF MISSING
versatility. We are born bare, and it’s up to us OUT ON. THE
to make do of the littlest resources we have.
We can turn ourselves into whatever flavor LATTER IS MORE
we want- better, worse, or just the same. DANGEROUS.

Think about it. No matter how hard our
seeds are, once placed in a pot with oil and
heat, they transform. If that is the goodness that
can result from few hard seeds, think about the
potential it can bring to every person who might
find life as hard as a seed.

We too can grow and develop… just in
different pacing.

So next time you enjoy your movies or
shows on stage, recognize your popcorn. It
tells you more than what you watch.

sTmhhaoerrstthhcumirtdalgloawte,,atnhde long

Most successful people treat life,
career, business, and triumph just like a
concert. There are always three ways in.

First gate is where nearly 90% of
viewers stand in a queue, waiting to get the

68

best seat from their general admission tickets.
The second gate is where the few VIPs slip through- those who have either an

all-access pass or a reservation on the front row.
But then, there’s always, almost all the time… the third gate. It’s an entry

point where you have to sneak out from the line, run down the lane, climb up the
barricades, slam the marshals, and get in from the back door.

Whether it’s how Steve Jobs made Apple great again, or how our very own Diosdado
Banato paved his rags-to-riches success story-- both of them took the third gate.

What’s with the third gate? It’s where things are extra challenging, where struggle
is real, and where getting in is never certain. It’s the door less walked in… unless you’re
brave enough.

Most of us think that the alley towards success must be seamless; otherwise,
it isn’t success at all. We think that the formula to knowing how we could achieve
more is the same formula that worked for others. We think that if they traversed a
certain way and came out victorious, we need all the more to walk on that exact way.

We always see patterns and we adapt them. Because for us, to follow the
crowd is the safest way.

But think about it a bit more. I’m not saying you have to cut the line and brave
all the barred lanes. What I meant was to embrace your own entry point.

To achieve what you truly want may not be the same as how others achieved
it. Your admission may be troublesome. It may be delayed. And when you feel you’re
falling behind and you’re stuck, that’s when you know you’re on the third gate.

A classic psychology experiment in the 1970s remains true at present. This is
the “marshmallow test”. When psychologist Walter Mischel served a treat in front
of children, he gave them a choice- either to eat the marshmallow outright or wait
a brief moment to get another snack. When he left the room, most kids ate the
marshmallow but others put off their urge so they can enjoy not one but two treats
after. Years later, Mischel discovered that kids who had waited for the marshmallow
performed better academically compared to those who could not simply wait.

Emerging from this experiment is what we commonly call “delayed
gratification”. It is the ability to postpone an instant gain in favor of a bigger and
later reward. Sounds promising! But that isn’t the case in this world where almost
everything is instant—from our food, to messages, to our relationships, and to our
desired results.

We often think that shortcuts are always the best way to go, in almost everything.

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Since we’re young, we’ve always wanted things ‘now’. And soon, we’ve grown
to be too impatient. We want to fast-track our degrees and promotions to show
off among our peers. We want to appear in our family reunions being the highest
earner or the most successful. We simply want to be one of those who are regarded
as accomplished at a young age.

If only there are bullet trains heading to success faster than anyone else, we’ll
surely ride on it. And when we get there, we feel we’re fine. Then, we feel accomplished.

You know why most of us value the destination more than the journey? It’s
because we think that the destination is the only thing that validates our worth. We
equate our potential success with our desire to be ‘good’ people.

That’s why it’s so hard for us to wait and control our impulses. We think that
delayed success is delayed self-worth.

And with our desire for shortcuts, we fail to appreciate the journey. Like horses,
we wear those blinds to glue our eyes solely on the destination, that we fail to see
what exactly is at hand.

Soon, we realize that taking the long way is in fact the shortcut. We need to
experience and savor all sorts of situations at hand- be it favorable or not. It’s part
of the alley.

Remember, delayed gratification from the marshmallow experiment doesn’t
mean you don’t get the marshmallow at all. It only requires you to wait a bit more,
usually longer than expected, to gain whatever is better.

But life doesn’t promise a secondary reward every time we wait. Daily
experience doesn’t always come with this guarantee.

So whether you expect a bigger reward or just passively wait regardless of
what comes, just trust the third gate, the marshmallow, and the long shortcut.

YOLO and FOMO

“Your twenties will surely be the ‘roaring’ time of life. You go all out- young, wild,
free- and have nothing to worry about.” -- my deceptive uncle, March 2014 (the time
when I got my bachelor’s degree).

Pop culture had us believing that our 20s promise us to tread a certain way, striking
a balance between getting your degree and your dream job, while taking pleasure from
loud music, crowd, and a whole lot of drinks. But all these gold standards worth reaching
to make our 20s ‘roaring’ just don’t suit everyone.

It’s totally polarizing. They say you’d either be that party beast or that geek burger.
But all these are subjective. Some love nightlife at clubs, which is just as

70

totally fine as blankets on bed. As part of adulting, spending weekends at home and
sleeping by 10 pm are normalized in ways you don’t feel like doing it wrong.

Signs that you’re in it? You have a Netflix watchlist on deck. Your delivery location is
at your fingertips. You hit the kitchen and discover endless possibilities (at least for food).
You wallow on your Monstera and Fiddle leaf. You hoard online items more than what
you need. And you know that happy hour at night ends at a reasonable time.

A lot of posts go along the line of “YOLO: You Only Live Once”. But I reckon that you
don’t live once. You live every day. And you don’t waste a day living the way others do.

You know why we panic with the pressure that goes with ‘YOLO’? It’s because of ‘FOMO’.
Fear of Missing Out.
We feel that everyone does it. And so, we should.
We’re afraid we’ll soon regret not having tried everything, or not pushing our efforts
beyond our limits. We’re afraid of watching our friends one by one get engaged or peak at
their professional careers. We’re afraid to be left behind feeling unsure of every decision we
make, or ultimately, perhaps feel a bit inadequate for not having achieved more.
We really fear missing out on things, or in many cases, we fear having already missed
out. Listening to regret stories of people in their 30s or 40s, we feel as if we need to change
our own narrative. And what’s our initial defense? We rush things. We want to fast-track
everything even if we’re undecided or unsure. That’s when the second phase of quarter-life
crisis emerges- a rising sense of “I’ve got to get out” and “that change is possible”.
But when we recalibrate our perspective, do we really do things because it’s what we
want, or we’re just afraid of missing it out? There’s a big difference between what you truly
want and what you’re afraid of missing out on. The latter is more dangerous.
When you ask me, am I living my 20s the way I was promised to? Not particularly.
But does it matter? Not at all.
If our ultimate goal is happiness, then do what brings you pleasure. If that
means sleeping earlier than anyone else, then you shouldn’t feel as if you’re doing it
wrong. Take note, your 20s are yours to live as you please.

Your harvest is coming!

We are made for seasons, and seasons are made for us.
Ever wondered why seasons change? The gap between the earth and the
sun does not affect seasons. Seasons change because of the earth’s tilted axis of
rotation, and because the earth moves around the sun.
Simply put, seasons change because our earth keeps moving.
Basing on temperature and rainfall, we only have two major seasons in the

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Philippines- wet and dry. But in rather assuming ways, we too experience the four
seasons enjoyed by the other side of the world.

When leaves start to grow from the branches, we experience Spring. When sun-
kissed people flock on the island beaches, we experience Summer. When the smoke
from burnt dried leaves starts to smell from the neighborhood, we experience Fall.
And when we wear layers on holidays, we experience Winter. That’s pretty much four
seasons experienced in the dry and in the rain!

With this change in season comes a change in life experience. There are days
we feel growth and overflowing opportunities, but there are also days of problems,
failures, and life transitions. There are moments of blazing passion and confidence, but
there are also moments of hibernation, grief, and stagnation.

Even so, one thing is common. We all experience these changes… but at
different timings.

We can’t be happy all the time or grieve all our days. While the earth keeps
spinning, we too are changing. And that’s the greatest thing we could ever realize
when our experiences change. It only means we’re still moving.

So, when you feel like falling behind, and all else is advancing, learn to
appreciate your own season.
Two locations in the world may
not get the same time zone, nor
do they get the same sun and
rain at the same time of the day.
With few spins and turns, you’ll
get them all in your own timing.

By just reading this, I
know by now, you’re waiting for
something.

But remember, harvesting
doesn’t happen at the same
time as planting. It takes weeks,
months, seasons. You can’t force
sugarcane to grow over drought.
And you can’t plant corn on
flooded soil. You just cannot
force things to happen when it’s
not yet supposed to happen.
Otherwise, you’ll get the unripe,
and you’ll find yourself unready.

Life, like farming, is
respecting the cycle of plowing,
harrowing, planting, harvesting,
and in between—lots of waiting.

So, embrace your season.
Trust. Your harvest is coming!

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10CHAPTER

PLACE CHAPTER10

Get your hands dirtyWhat’s going to make you happy tomorrow?

efore I braved writing this book, I needed to ask myself multiple times, “Is this
really what I wanted to do?” And looking exactly where I was, “Is this what I’ve

Benvisioned myself to be?”

It was quite tough to answer.
Then, a promising counselor once asked me, “If money, security, power,
expectation, and judgment don’t matter at all, what do you want to become?” Oh,
that question sounded to be easier. I simply want to face people, teach, engage, all
without the unnecessary papers, pressure, or expectation.
Right then I realized, our choices are clouded by several external tensions.
Back in elementary, I remember thinking so hard to pick a profession at which
I would be happy for the next 10, 20 years of my life. What a daunting task that was!
I normally say I want to be a doctor, just because that’s what every pupil says.
At a young age, I was afraid to be different. To be honest, I was afraid to say I want to
be a teacher because no one else ever wanted to.
But how do you really know what’s going to make you happy for the rest of
your life, particularly for a sixth-grader who only sees jobs as promising titles and
not a work one needs to struggle with?
You’ll never understand. You’ll never understand what makes you happy even
a year or two from now.
However, you’ll always know what makes you happy right now and right here.
Not tomorrow, not a day after, but now.
That’s the mystery behind happiness. It’s only understandable at present.
So if you hop on jobs one after the other, or you feel like your wants keep

0changing over the years, or this is not what you have envisioned for yourself, then
that’s totally fine. One cannot figure things out all at once.

74

As Theodore Roosevelt puts it, “In any moment of decision, the best thing you
can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing
you can do is nothing.”

When we’re too pressured having to think about staying on a work where
we don’t find any growth, or sustaining ourselves on an otherwise unhealthy
relationship, or simply settling on things that don’t spark interest at all, we’re
actually not tired. We are lazy. We are too lazy to discover the right things.

And if in the course of discovering, we fall on the wrong thing, it’s still the next
best thing after all.

It’s okay if you change your wants. It’s okay if you chase dreams you’ve never
dreamt of before. It’s totally okay to be shifting plans.

What you wish you’d become in your later years may not exactly happen as it is. And
what you thought you are today may not exactly be what you once wished for.

But that doesn’t mean you’re miserable. It only means you are doing
something- either the right or the wrong thing, it doesn’t matter. Because that’s
better than having done nothing at all.

What’s going to make you happy tomorrow? You can never be so sure.

A big word

I just don’t know with others, but I think I’m one of those children who have not
been told enough to explore possibilities. Young as I was, I needed to be sure about
my decisions because a mistake might cost a lot.

It wasn’t easy dreaming to join piano lessons over summer break. That was left
in my imagination. In college, it kept me thinking how it felt staying in a dorm and
studying in one of the big schools from the Metro. And it took a while-maybe when I
was already working- before I was permitted to travel solo. It’s not as if I was free to
try things I thought would be interesting, and cross them off on my list if I didn’t like
it. No. It wasn’t as easy as that.

Born from an average-income family, I had to always think twice about what I
want to do, because I couldn’t afford to make an expensive mistake.

I’ve heard it time and time again to “follow your passion”. But ‘passion’ is such
a big word. It might mean having to earn less or doing works unpaid. It might mean
being open but less secured and less sustainable.

Though we’ve been told by the books that it’s okay to fail, we don’t still act
upon it. Why? It’s because we don’t know what we want, right?

Wrong. It’s because we like several things. But we don’t like choosing.
Often, we blame our frustrations on the thought that we just don’t know what

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we want. We spend several years trying to figure out our passion, waiting and planning
when to finally take our break.

But you see, how can we ever be sure about things that we want? Isn’t this
whole cycle of planning, contemplating, and imagining taking away all our chances
to discover new amazing things while we’re thoroughly crafting a single sure ball?

We don’t have to treat our life as a formula, having to spend years of computation,
only to have the remaining limited time to enjoy. I deem it’s delusional.

Life is meant to be an experience of discovery- of things that work and don’t. If
you’re not trying all the wrong options, you’ll never figure it out.

You can only figure out what you want when you try the possibilities and allow
mistakes to happen. It’s through basic problem solving and elimination method- not
a formula.

Try writing down what you know for certain. Don’t concentrate on what you don’t know.
Only think of what you surely know.

In my case, I know for certain that I want to start a business. I once coordinated
with a local textile weaving factory in a neighboring town and have them make
stylish washable facemask. I sold them to friends and shipped them nationwide. It
was a big flash in the first few months that I went beyond my target sales. But sooner
than expected, sales dropped down and I had to focus instead on my full-time job
as a teacher.

Would I think I failed?
No. I might have put an end to that little business, but I still feel I was on
the right track because it’s something I knew I’ve always wanted to do. By then, I
recognized that I can’t sustain a business like that while devoting my time to school.
I knew for certain that it wasn’t right for me. But if I didn’t take a chance, I never will.
So, meditate. Dig deep in your core and be true to what you feel doing. Write
down the things that interest you, or things that you see yourself growing with,
regardless of expectations. Feel it.
Passion is never planned. It’s a feeling. It’s a decision to take.

The only right that has no limit

You’re in your 20s. And admit it, you’re not getting any younger. So if you don’t
brave that first leap towards pursuing what you’re passionate about, you might just
find yourself clouded by ‘what ifs’ and blame it once again entirely on destiny.

Here, there are two goals you have to hit-- to know what ‘you want’, and to
know that ‘you can’.

76

If you’re truly serious about pursuing
your interest, then you have hit your first
goal. You already know what ‘you want’, and
the next thing you have to hurdle with is to
know that ‘you can’.

When you want something- whether
it’s craft-making, biking, farming, filming,
dancing, whatever, you better get on it. You
don’t get anywhere by just simply imagining
or waiting when you are ready. There’s no
such thing as perfectly ready. It’s either
you take the chance, or completely lose it.
Because even if you feel absolutely ready,
the chances are never perfect.

One time, I asked my 3-year old BUT REMEMBER,
nephew what he wants to become. He told OUR VISION AND
me he wants to be a kutsero (Kalesa driver).
That surprised me a lot. Take note, he didn’t IMAGINATION
even say horseback rider. He was so specific WON’T HELP US
about the job—having his own passengers IF WE DON’T GO
on a two-wheeled horse-drawn carriage, OUT THERE AND
known here in the Philippines as Kalesa. GET OUR HANDS
DIRTY. ACTION IS
Did I ask him to dream bigger dreams NEVER AN ACTION
than being a kutsero? No. I told him to be the IN ITSELF UNLESS
best kutsero in town- someone everybody
wants to ride on. IT’S DONE.

What right have I to tell him he’s up for a
better dream? There’s no such thing as small
dream or big dream. What I only know is that
there is either a true dream or a fake one.

Good for him, he knows what he wants
in barely 3 years in this world. But what’s
saddening is how a study shows that 7 out
of 10 Filipino teenagers have no dreams.
Common reasons are lack of passion,
discouraging words, lack of self-esteem,
lack of opportunity, and also, poverty.

Kuya Prim, our good mentor and the
founder of Dream Project PH, told me in one
of our sessions that you don’t really need a
perfect dream. All you need is a true dream.

There are too many rights in this world,
all of them have limitations. But there’s only

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one right that has no limit- it’s the right to dream.

So, claim that right. It’s yours to enjoy.

Often, I ask my college students why they want to graduate and become teachers.
And most if not all response I get is either they need to pay their family’s overdue debts,
or send a younger sibling to school, or go abroad to get high-paying jobs.

These responses speak greatly about how Filipinos dream. Seldom do they have high
hopes to become CEOs, run their own businesses, or be in top positions. They dream for
others, not for themselves.

Still, several ask, if we only live once, why do we still have unfulfilled dreams?
Well, we have to accept that sometimes, it’s not a matter of choice. It’s already a
matter of circumstance.

There are dreams which we have to put on hold because we are highly attached
to people who truly matter to us. We might sacrifice our dreams because we consider
priorities at home, we want to keep our ties, or we just let younger siblings fulfill our
dreams for us.

In this case, not being able to pursue your dream due to selfless consideration
doesn’t mean you have not lived your life at all. It only means you have lived a part of
your life for others.

Where three ‘things’ intersect

They say in order to know your passion, you have to first know where you’re
good at. I disagree. Passion precedes excellence. You may be good at something, but
it doesn’t necessarily mean it sparks interest in you.

I’d like to think I’m good at expressing my stance on certain issues through
written and oral forms. But honestly, I hate argumentation and debate. I remember
winning a number of debate matches way back in college but none of them made
me feel immensely happy. It’s that one thing others think I’m good at but doesn’t
really interest me at all.

On one side, I’m so interested in branding and digital advertising. Some friends
usually consult me on how to package their products and services. I give my two
cents, and surprisingly, they work! But is it something I’m good at? No. I don’t even
know how to navigate images and graphics on photoshops- the same way as I’m not
good at discovering all the bells and whistles of gadgets.

So what is passion, therefore? Is it a thing you want? Or a thing you’re good at?
“Kilig”- such a rare word in the Filipino language that has no direct translation
in English. In March 2016, the Oxford dictionary included “kilig” in its list, defining it
as the feeling of exhilaration or elation caused by an exciting or romantic experience.
Even so, it still remains unexplainable in most cases.
The term kilig is something you feel when you’re passionate. When you get that rare

78

sensation either from a thing you want or a thing you’re good at, that’s passion.
So do you need to be good at something to know you’re passionate about

it? Not necessarily. Like I said, passion precedes excellence. If you want something
so bad, you can work your way to be excellent on it. And if you’re truly good at
something, it’s that consistent desire that makes you stay.

Passion is where desire and strength meet.
However, the issue among young adults is not really about knowing their
passion. Believe it or not, we already know where our desire and strength meet. But
our real issue here is knowing if we’re truly in the right place.
It’s not enough to know your ‘passion’. The missing piece in this puzzle is
knowing where you’re ‘needed’.
You may be too interested in a certain job you’ve learned to master. But if the
work, the people, the company, the ones you serve, and the time, don’t need you,
your passion will be made useless.
This is the common denominator of all those who seem unfulfilled- It’s the
feeling of not being valued.
Really, the key here is knowing your purpose. It sounds absurd because purpose
alone is too hard to find. But it’s not bad to ask yourself “for whom am I needed?”
Therefore, finding your position in this world is like combining three puzzle pieces-
what you want (desire), what you’re good at (strength), and where you’re needed (purpose).
Wherever these three intersect, that’s probably your rightful place.

“y”

Let’s be real. Are we certainly finding our place? Or are we just waiting for it to come?
Because there’s a big difference between waiting for an apple to fall and
getting your hands dirty.
Take some time to meditate. Ask yourself both big questions and small ones. If you
feel clueless and stuck, it might be caused by losing touch with your most authentic self.
We often hear the words “Be true to yourself”, “Keep your grounds”, “Discover
possibilities”. All of these just don’t sink in simply because they have become a
piece of superficial advice coming from people who know our name but don’t even
understand our circumstance.
Yes. It’s hard to digest and it’s even harder to apply. Most things are easier said
than done.
But you see, it doesn’t take a thousand and one reason to get to somewhere- it
only takes one good reason to be there.
I’m alluding this very symbolic metaphor to Kuya Delfin, a fellow TOSP alumnus. He
said in one of his TEDx talks, in the equation f(x)=y, consider yourself as ‘x’. And in knowing

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the function of x, it doesn’t give you an answer, it yields another question- ‘y’.
In the greater scheme of things, to know your ‘function’, you have to first know

your ‘why’- your reason.
What certainly propels us to move is always our reason. Now, it’s not yet a

question of ‘what’ to do next. It’s a question of ‘why’ we do things. If you feel stuck,
ask yourself why. If you feel as if you’re falling behind, why? If you can’t figure things
out, why? If you want to take another chance, why? You have to understand the
root cause of why you do things. It’s not only part of knowing the problem and the
solution- it’s part of knowing your inner desire, strength, and purpose.

Once you know your reasons, you can start creating your vision- “what’s next?”
The greatest danger in planning is not knowing your outcome. Begin with the end in
mind. And when you’re not sure where to start, make a list of priorities. From there,
you will know where to pour your maximum efforts

But remember, our vision and imagination won’t help us if we don’t go out there and
get our hands dirty. Action is never an action in itself unless it’s done.

So, Get up. Try. Discover. If you end up hating your decisions or wanting to try
something else, that’s totally fine. Fail early.

No one should ever regret trying and failing. That’s better than not having tried at all.
Now, close this book and start your life again!

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CHAPTER 10

LUeavNe itKunsNaidOWNI’maworkinprogress.

This, like life, is an open book.
There are still a number of things I want to say but have no words to describe them.
I take pleasure in not knowing everything and in not being able to figure things out
at this age.
I represent all those who are still confused, even if years have passed.
I’ll leave them unsaid. I’ll leave the rest of this chapter empty.
This space is for all feelings suppressed, regrets unrecognized, and words unspoken.

1Let this space be for the unknown.
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12CHAPTER

2 CHAPTER 12

Innocence is growth

Taking me back at that moment
when everything was not new but
the feeling was different, the same
question by the panel lingers up to
this day. “Are you happy?”

Most often, I still silence myself
because I don’t know what to say.

There are days I have definite
answers, but for the most part, I’m
left thinking in circles.

Through it all, I’ve come to
appreciate innocence. It’s when you
lack answers to questions that you
aspire for enlightenment. That’s
basically why we keep searching for
explanations. We’re always on the
lookout for answers. And that’s a great
manifestation of self-awareness.

Not knowing things doesn’t
mean having no emotions.

Just like in the lines of my
favorite song, Superman by Five for
Fighting, “It may sound absurd, but
don’t be naïve. Even heroes have
the right to bleed.”

No matter how strong we think
we are, we all have our vulnerable
state. And this is where we feel
innocent about our feelings, our
desire, our identity.

Having to figure things out
is not the only sign of growth.
Not knowing anything at all is the
beginning of it.

84

If we feel oblivious about the unknown, we thirst for answers. And if we begin
to thirst, we seek progress.

Innocence is such a powerful virtue.
First, in legal terms, if you’re found innocent of a certain crime, you’re
free of guilt. In life, if you’re innocent about the world’s standards, you’re free of
expectations. You don’t care about how you have to fulfill others’ expectations of
you. You just go get your life. You take control of it.
Second, one can also be called innocent to signify naivety. When you’re young
and you seem to lack experience, it’s when you begin to explore. Being highly
curious about things, you always have the desire to try almost anything. You’re not
afraid. You’re experimental.
Third and last, there’s also an element of purity in innocence. Our faith tells us
to be pure in both body and spirit. When you’re innocent, you’re not clouded by self-
doubts nor are you clouded by judgment. You are pure and relatively straightforward
in your intentions. You don’t fake things. You’re genuinely unapologetic.
If innocence, therefore, is the beginning of growth, it’s totally fine to not find
answers outright. It’s when you take control, when you’re not afraid, and when
you’re pure that you actually start to blossom.

No rush

In the process, I’ve learned to celebrate little progress. Maybe, that’s just how
it is. If things don’t happen as planned, if there are too many wrong choices taken,
if the universe doesn’t conspire with what is claimed, you’ll just ultimately learn to
appreciate small achievements.

Before, I wasn’t really a fan of process. If I have a vision in mind, I take the unpopular
way- usually the shortcut one- to arrive at the destination the soonest time possible.

In this age where information is power, I thought that knowing more and
knowing first can spell the difference between success and failure.

When asked about the least thing I want to do, without batting an eyelash I’d bluntly
say I hate waiting. It was something I never considered an option. All along, what I knew was
that part of being productive is to be a quick thinker and to multitask.

I observed I talked too quickly. I hurried people along when it’s taking them too
long to get to the point. I felt irritated when I don’t finish my work on time, or if I’ve
sat around for an hour without doing anything. I hated falling in line, or being caught
by a red light on a pedestrian lane.

But while I’m thinking and doing these particular ways, I’ve found out that I’m
becoming too hard on myself. I learned that there’s no point in hurrying and that it
doesn’t make any sense to be the first or to be the last… when all people certainly
have their own timing.

No wonder, study shows that people who walk fast are found to be less happy in life.
The conclusion is that when you speed people up, they leave many things unnoticed.

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CHAPTER 12

These are the people who often prioritize getting things done, making them
ignore their own happiness. They are often perfectionists and are very certain at
setting work and personal matters apart.

I do understand. Along the line, I might be one of them. And maybe, that is one of
the many reasons I feel less happy.

Now more than ever, I’m teaching myself to take time even if my work and my
world seem to be extra fast-paced. I do frequent pep-talks to console myself of plans
unmet and things undone. I make an effort not to force things out and just let them
unfold at their own time.

Is it easy? No. Am I consistent? Not even. But I take joy in recognizing small changes.
Gratitude. I think gratitude takes on a great factor in maintaining grace under the rush.
There are days you see changes happen. There are days you don’t. But either
way, appreciate little progress even if they don’t happen all at once.
Law of recognition says that once you’re recognized for something you do, you
keep doing it. Recognition becomes a reward system. The same is true with progress.
Once we recognize progress, it keeps doing its thing, until it becomes unstoppable.

Made of thousand stitches

In this day and age, we have to recognize that a perfectly framed cross stitch
is never perfect behind.

Normally, what we want to show the world is our perfect craft. We want to be
seamless, worry-free, and ideal in the eyes of others.

But just like anyone else, we are all made of thousand stitches.
Be it needlepoint, cross-stitch, or embroidery, there are quite a few things
stitchery tells us.
One, it’s better to acknowledge mistakes early than finding it out only after
several stitches have already been made. It would be so hard to rip all those stitches
with the mere intention of making small adjustments. Sadly, life doesn’t come with
a seam ripper. Our actions and words can never be undone, as we can never go back
in time to make another choice. So, if mistakes happen early, acknowledge them,
don’t lurk around, and move forward.
Two, tangles happen more frequently when the thread is too long. Apart from
letting you stretch your arms longer in the first few stitches, the thread repeatedly gets
knotted than if you cut it a bit shorter. Here now, we don’t really need big breaks to get
our lives impeccably figured out. We don’t need everything and we don’t need much. If
we have all that we desire, there’s no point in dreaming. Typically, it’s when things fall
short that we keep our bodies moving.
And three, only when you step back that you appreciate the whole picture. When
you constantly zoom in to the small stitches, you’d probably see some inconsistencies or
maybe some imperfections. But if you step back and just stare at it in its entirety, you’ll
never recognize the small flaws. Later on, you couldn’t tell where they are. All you see is
the complete pattern.

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Ever wondered why you feel so
affected by failures when they are still
fresh, and learn to forget them through
time? It’s the law of zooming out. Once
you step back, you’ll appreciate your
whole life journey than dwelling with small
experiences bits after bits.

Like what was mentioned earlier, we
are all made of thousand stitches. This is
how we build our own stories.

We are all made up of several days.
And concentrating on a single bad day
doesn’t give us the whole picture of life.

WE DON’T NEED Our whole being is not determined by
TO OVERTHINK, one failure nor one success. It is validated by
AS IF LIFE IS TO everything that goes up and comes down.
BE EXAMINED
AND NOT TO BE As seen in both life and stitchery,
EXPERIENCED… every image is made up of messy stitches,
OUR JOB IS NOT miscounted knots, and dirty stains. We
TO STUDY LIFE, don’t judge a picture by flipping it over. We
POINT AFTER look at it straight, because the back is often
POINT. OUR JOB less lovely than the front.
IS TO LIVE. AND AT
THIS VERY AGE, So don’t judge your flaws, your
THAT MUST BE failures, your vulnerabilities. These are
MADE CLEAR. what make you perfectly amazing.

Connecting the dots

When you look back in the past, you’ll
either think there are just too many things
that have happened, or there’s too little
that came about.

Now, it boils down to perspective. We are
all tossed in the same world, under the same
sun, from the same creator, with the same
chance to navigate. But we differ not only in
circumstance but more so on how we see
things, how we count them in.

Day after day, we create dots. These
are markers of our experiences- both the
green and the gray, the bane and the boon,
the free and the forced.

Most often, we don’t understand
them. We just see them as a mere speck- a
pointless mark.

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