© 2024 Bondfire, LLC Chris Hatchett www.bondfirecoaching.com
Dedicated to Adelyn & Isla, that you may have the very best relationships in life, and learn how to always be seen, heard, and loved. Love, Dad.
TABLE OF CONTENTS INTRO 1. Communication - It’s not just what you say. 2. Conflict resolution - When being right goes wrong. 3. TRUST AND HONESTY - A BITTER PILL. 4. BOUNDARIES AREN’T JUST A SUGGESTION. 5. EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND EMPATHY - THE LEARNING CURVE. 6. KEEPING THE SPARK ALIVE - WHEN THE FLAMES FLICKER. 7. MIXED, NOT STIRRED - MASTERING THE DYNAMICS OF BLENDED FAMILY LIFE. 8. GROWING TOGETHER - THE BLUEPRINT FOR TOMORROW. THE END, OR IS IT?
INTRODUCTION I’m the guy who's been through the relationship ringer and didn't just come out the other side but came out with a bucket and a half worth of wisdom. Unlike other self-help authors, I haven't spent my life in dimly lit offices with diplomas on the wall… dissecting the intricacies of human relationships. Instead, I've been boots-on-the-ground, the go-to guy for my close friends when shit hits the fan in their love lives. Over a decade of late-night calls, heart-to-heart chats, and the 2am "we need to talk" moments, I've been there, offering a shoulder, an ear, and sometimes, the hard truth no one else dared to utter. Before we embark on a journey through the ups and downs of relationships, let me share a slice of my life that's been both a backdrop and a training ground for understanding human dynamics. For the past 20 years, I've carved out a career in the whirlwind world of film and television, wearing the many hats of a producer. It's a role that's thrust me into the eye of the storm, where I've navigated the high seas of hiring crews, juggling budgets, and ensuring that clients leave not just satisfied but genuinely impressed.
This behind-the-scenes chaos, where every day is a high-wire act of balancing creative visions with the cold, hard reality of deadlines and budgets, and keeping my crews happy, has been my proving ground. It's taught me the art of negotiation, the importance of clear communication, and the invaluable skill of managing a multitude of personalities under pressure. Each project was a lesson in conflict resolution, in understanding the nuanced language of human emotion, and in the power of collaboration. So, while my formal entry into the world of relationship coaching might seem like a recent pivot, the truth is, I've been in the business of managing complex relationships for decades. The transition from film sets to the more intimate setting of relationship coaching isn't as far a leap as it might appear. Both require the understanding of people, a deep reservoir of patience, and the ability to see the bigger picture amidst the chaos of conflicting desires and egos. Never in a million years did I think I’d be sitting down to write a book, but it just goes to show sometimes you can teach an old dog new tricks.
I’m a born and bred Texan, and those who know me say I’m about as blunt and straightforward as they come. This book is a reflection of that bluntness, in hopes that you’ll read between the lines to pick out some nuggets of wisdom to help you along your way. My journeys have lead me all over the world, and finally up to the Pacific Northwest where I call home. It’s a land of endless rain, towering pines, and mountain trails that twist and turn, much like the conversations I find myself in about love, loss, and everything in between. My two kick-ass daughters come to visit in the summer-time, and alternating Christmases, and they are as fearless on the hiking trails as they are in facing life's ups and downs. They're constant reminders that life, much like relationships, is a chaotic blend of love, patience, and the occasional desire to lock yourself in the bathroom for a moment's peace. My current partner-in-crime is a gem of a woman named Sam. She's a nurse, which means she's got the patience of a saint and the kind of empathy that makes you wonder if she's part human, part angel. She’s the most supportive person I’ve ever dated in my 43 trips around the sun, arguably the most valuable thing one could have in a partner. She’s definitely the “quiet one” in our relationship, but don’t be fooled… cross her, and
she’ll easily have you checking your ego at the door wondering what in the hell just happened. We've set up camp together in a cozy little place that's as much a reflection of us as it is a shelter from the relentless rain with Cordelia, the step-cat. She's got this uncanny ability to know exactly when I'm at my busiest and decides that's the perfect moment to parade across my desk, or to jump on our shelf and pretend she’s on an obstacle course. She’s a little shit sometimes who demands attention, but then again, she’s a cat. In a weird, twisted way though, her antics add an element of humor and love to our daily lives. Now, let’s address the big fat elephant in the room if you’re reading this and know me; or even if you’re reading this and don’t. Yes, I'm divorced. If you're looking for a guide who's only walked on sunshine, you've got the wrong book. I'm not here to blow smoke up your ass and sell you fairy tales about how perfect your life can be if you follow these “three easy steps.” I'm here writing this book because I've navigated the murky waters of love, and I’ve crashed, burned, and then charted a new course. My past isn't a sob story; it's a treasure trove of lessons learned the hard way, and that's what I'm here to share.
You might wonder, "Why listen to a guy who couldn't make his own marriage work?" Fair question, so let’s unpack that. It's easy to talk love and relationships when you're viewing it from the mountaintop. It's another thing entirely to talk about it when you've been in the valley, lost and looking for a way out. That's where the real lessons are learned, in the mess and the mistakes. This book is for those who aren't afraid to face the uncomfortable truths, who appreciate the comedic moments that come with our failures; who understand that growth comes from grappling with the gritty realities of relationships. It's for those who know that sometimes, love means having the tough conversations, making the hard choices, and facing the parts of ourselves we'd rather keep hidden. In this book, we’re going to go back to the basics. For many of you, much of what I talk about are things you may already know, but could use a refresher on. For others, it might be a perspective you haven’t yet considered. Either way, everything I’m about to tell you has helped me along the way.
So, get comfy, grab a cozy blanket and your favorite drink ( No judgment ) and let’s dive into what I’ll call “The Bullshit Free” guide to navigating the wild, wonderful, and sometimes gut wrenching world of relationships. My aim is for us to get real, and learn a few things that can help you survive your current, or your next relationship. Are you ready? Let’s do this thing…
1 Communication - It's Not Just What You Say. The "I'm Fine" Fiasco Let's kick things off with a classic fuck-up, courtesy of yours truly. Imagine if you will, a seemingly mundane evening, my girlfriend at the time and I were out to dinner. I remember the situation, but for the life of me forgot her name, lol. Let’s call her, Ashley. She seemed like an Ashley in my head. What began with genuine laughs and conversation over drinks, shifted to her mood suddenly changing. Out of the blue. So, I do the logical guy thing and ask, "Everything okay?" "I'm fine."
Two words. Simple, right? Wrong. See, in my literal, saywhat-you-mean-and-mean-what-you-say world, "I'm fine" translates to, well, being fine. So, I take it at face value, nod, and go back to sipping on my drink and try to continue the conversation. Spoiler alert: Ashley was not fine. Not even close. This seemingly minor oversight spiraled into one of those weird sort of “fights” that come out of nowhere. I like to call these the nothing fights. The kind where you step back and think, “What the hell are we even fighting about here?” When we got down to it, what I found out was, she was pissed at me for not noticing she was upset. I got frustrated and defensive because in my opinion, I had asked her if everything was okay, and her response was “I’m fine.” Why couldn’t she have just, you know, communicated her feelings like a “normal person” and said she wasn’t fine, and that she had gotten into a fight with her best friend earlier that day? That something I said made her think about that, and that’s why her mood changed suddenly because then she started replaying that entire scenario in her head. What went from her being upset
about something else entirely, became something she was upset at me for. So what was the real issue here? I was as literal and blunt as a spoon, and she communicated in a language that was full of subtext, emotions, and unspoken words —a language I was utterly unversed in. That night, I learned that "I'm fine" could mean anything from "I'm actually fine" to "I'm upset, and I need you to notice and dig deeper." Fairly simple right? Right. As you might have guessed it as earlier I addressed her as a girlfriend at the time, things didn’t wind up working out. I guess I , for whatever reason, failed to learn the art of subtext, but hey… pobody’s nerfect. This debacle wasn’t my first, and it certainly wasn’t the last that I would ever have in my relationships. It was, however, a later realization that words carry weight, meaning, and layers that are often influenced by our backgrounds, experiences, and, let's face it, our current mood.
Many of us fall into one of two camps: the Literalists and the Subtexters. Literalists are straightforward, often viewing communication as a direct exchange of information. "Say what you mean, mean what you say," is our motto. On the flip side, Subtexters communicate in nuances, where the real message is woven into the fabric of what's not said as much as what is. In the grand circus of love, communication is the tightrope we all wobble on. A world where Literalists, those who take "I'm fine" at face value, try to decode the enigmatic Subtexters, who embed secret messages in every sigh. But the party doesn't end there. Let's meet the other guests, shall we? The Expressives are the life of this party. They don't just wear their hearts on their sleeves; they practically have them on neon billboards, complete with flashing lights and dramatic music. Picture someone declaring their undying love because you remembered their coffee order. It's endearing, yet you're wondering if you accidentally signed up for a soap opera. Pro Tip: Expressives, take a breath. Not every moment is a climax scene. Your partner appreciates the passion but might also appreciate some space to get a word in edgewise.
Then, there are the Analyzers. If relationships were a computer, they'd be the ones debugging code. "You said you're 'fine,' but your left eyebrow twitched 0.3 seconds too long. What does it mean?" They crave a formula for love, but emotions aren't binary, and sometimes, "I'm just tired" actually just means "I'm just tired." Reality Check: Love isn't a math problem. Sometimes the answer is to stop solving and start feeling. Cue the Avoiders, masters of the "If I can't see it, it doesn't exist" school of thought. Their motto? "Why confront when you can... not?" ( I’m looking at you GenZ-ers ) They treat conflicts like spam emails, hoping they'll just go away if ignored long enough. But—you guessed it, issues pile up faster than unread messages in your dating app d’jour. Avoidance is like storing dynamite in the basement. It's all fun and games until the whole house blows up over which way the toilet paper roll faces. The correct answer is out by the way. In case you’re wondering. And let's not forget the Validators, the UN peacekeepers of relationships. They're so busy seeing every side of an
argument, they sometimes forget where they stand. "I understand you're upset because I forgot our anniversary, but let's explore why you feel that way." Great for diplomacy, not so much when you just wanted them to say sorry and maybe buy you some ice cream. Note to Self: It's okay to have an opinion, especially if that opinion is "I messed up, and I'm sorry." So, how do we navigate this circus of communication styles? Here's the secret sauce: 1. Listen Like You Mean It: Most people listen to reply, not to understand. Next time, try actually hearing what your partner says, not just planning your next chess move. 2. Honesty, But Make It Fashion: Be real, but don't be a jerk about it. "I hate your cooking" can be "I love when we cook together. Maybe we can try a new recipe next time?" 3. It's Not Me vs. You; It's Us vs. The Problem: You're on the same team. Act like it. Tackle issues together, not as opponents in a gladiator arena.
4. Schedule a Pow-Wow: No, seriously. Set a time to talk about things, big or small. Make it as routine as taking out the trash, but hopefully with less stink. 5. Embrace the Awkward: Sometimes, just acknowledging that communication is hard can break the ice. "This feels like a weird thing to say, but..." can be a golden opener. Remember, finding the right communication rhythm is like mastering a dance. You might step on each other's toes at first, but with practice, you'll be waltzing in sync. So, as we glide from the cha-cha of communication to the tango of conflict resolution in the next chapter, keep your dancing shoes on. The real magic happens when you learn to move together through the missteps and the perfect turns alike. Look at us go! We’re learning things. Let's turn the page and go deeper into master the art of communication, one misunderstood "I'm fine" at a time.
2 Conflict Resolution - When Being Right CAN GO VERY Wrong. The Mountain I didn’t need to die on. There's this one time that sticks out like a sore thumb when I think about conflict in relationships, and y’all, this one is one hundred percent my fault. It involved an ex of mine, let's call her Rebecca. Rebecca was smart, witty, and had this way of seeing things that made you question everything. Like any two people trying to mesh their lives together, we had our fair share of clashes and disagreements.
One such clash spiraled out of a ridiculously trivial debate about my favorite movies, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Yes, a movie. I think it might have been the inner filmmaker within me coming out and rearing its ugly defensive head, but I digress. So me, being the stubborn-ass I can sometimes be, insisted that this was one of the best fucking movies ever made in the history of movies. From the music, to the story of a man coming into his sense of confidence by pushing himself beyond the comfortability really resonated with me the first time I watched it. It’s really that good of a movie. So her and I finished the film, and while I was left at the end with all the warm fuzzies, eager to hear her reaction. It was almost as if I just spent the last hour and a half cooking a delicious meal expecting her to eat the first bite and say “Oh wow this is soooo good”. I was waiting for some sort of validation that I had impeccable taste in cinema. Yet, instead, I got possibly the most mediocre response. “It was okay”, as she verbally shrugged as her response. She might have well told me this film sucked. I was floored. Instead of letting it be a simple difference of opinion, I turned it into a whole thing where I got so offended defending this film, it was if I had made it myself. How dumb is that?
Looking back, my reaction was wildly absurd. I was so hell-bent on proving that she must not have any sort of real taste in modern day cinema, that I lost sight of what I was actually risking—our connection, our evening, and a piece of our relationship's fabric. All for what? To stand on the peak of a molehill, chest puffed out, like I was a courtroom lawyer defending the biggest case of my career. Getting so defensive over something that didn't matter whatsoever in the grand scheme of things. After all, this was just a personal opinion about a movie. But there I was, dying on a mountain that I didn’t need to die on. Like an idiot. Looking back at that night, I learned a two things: The first was that the real cause of my offense was that the validation I was seeking wasn’t met in her response. Secondly, being right about my opinion isn't worth it if it means hurting someone you care about over something inconsequential. It was a lesson in picking battles, in understanding that sometimes the win is in letting go, not holding on tighter. I also learned that sometimes in life, we expect others to respond in the same way we, ourselves, would respond to something. Not only does this cause a massive
disservice to the other person, but logically speaking, it’s a recipe for failure. In most couple’s relationships that I coach, I usually see two main types of conflicts: A Real Deal conflict and the Nothing Fights. The Nothing Fights, the kind that erupt when you're both hangry and suddenly, the way your partner breathes is the most annoying thing in the universe. These skirmishes are about as significant as arguing over the “Right way” to do, well, anything. In the heat of the moment, it feels like you’re in the climax of an court room drama, defending your case—but really, you’re just bickering over bullshit. Real Deal conflicts are the big, hairy monsters under the bed. They’re about the stuff that actually shapes your lives together—like important needs or expectations not being met or how you’re going to handle your finances without selling a kidney. These are the showdowns where you both need to come guns blazing with your best communication skills because, well, they matter. The trick is figuring out when you’re in a heavyweight bout versus when you’re just shadowboxing over
crumbs. Before you dive headfirst into a battle royale over who isn’t doing something the “right way”, take a beat. Ask yourself, “Is this going to matter next week? Hell, will it matter tomorrow?” If the answer is a solid “nope,” then congrats, you’ve landed in a Nothing Fight. It’s the universe's twisted way of saying, “You need better hobbies.” Nothing Fights aren’t just noise though. They’re like those annoying pop-up ads that you can’t ignore— they're trying to tell you something. Maybe it’s not about the dishes left in the sink but about feeling taken for granted. Or when the trash doesn’t get taken out, it leaves the other person feeling like they’re alone in running the household. The trick is to look past the toothpaste cap wars and see what's really bugging your partner. Chances are, it’s something that actually matters, something worth talking about. So, next time you're ready to launch into a tirade over unsorted laundry, ask yourself, "What's really going on here?" You might just find a Real Deal conflict hiding in the Nothing Fight's clothing. Or maybe you’re just both hangry. Not all conflicts are created equal either. Healthy conflicts can actually strengthen a relationship. They're based on mutual respect, open communication, and a
genuine desire to understand the other person. This could be something like challenging your partner’s perspective on something positive, like “Why don’t we find the time to volunteer more together?” Unhealthy conflicts, on the other hand, are those low blows, the bringing up past mistakes, keeping score, ( and insulting their movie watching habits ), and the fighting to win rather than to resolve. De-escalation is key. When tempers flare, taking a step back can save you from saying or doing something you'll regret. It's about recognizing when the heat of the moment is about to boil over and choosing to simmer down. Holding onto grudges or past arguments is like lugging around a backpack full of bricks. Forgiveness, both of yourself and your partner, lightens that load. It doesn't mean forgetting or condoning what happened; it means choosing not to let it define your relationship. Like any skill, conflict resolution gets better with practice. Exercises like 'The Rewind Technique,' where you revisit a conflict with the aim of understanding each other's perspectives without the pressure of resolving it on the spot, can be incredibly enlightening.
So how do we put this into practice when the proverbial shit hits the fan in your next fight? Here are five things you can do to navigate through the storm without capsizing the boat: 1. The Naked Truth: Sometimes, the best way to disarm an escalating argument is by doing something unexpected; like keeping eye contact with your partner, listening to what they say, but stripping down buck-ass naked. Literally, it’s hard to maintain battlefield levels of fury when faced with your partner stark naked. It’s a bold move, sure, but try it. If it goes well, you’ll wind yourselves sweaty in post orgasm bliss trying to remember why you were mad in the first place. If you can’t remember, congrats—you just avoided a nothing fight. If you are still mad afterwards, it’s probably something important that needs to be talked about, but at least you’ve got dopamine and oxytocin pumping through your system that can help you air your grievances in a tamer way than had you just kept going earlier. 2. Ditch the Detective Hat: In conflicts, we often turn into amateur detectives, presenting evidence from past arguments, dissecting words, and reading between lines to prove a point. Sometimes we can go so far into the
weeds by saving a folder of screenshots of circled texts, or creating an entire google drive folder of “evidence”. Spoiler alert: This doesn't help. Instead, focus on the issue at hand. Keep it current, and resist the urge to bring up that thing from three months ago that still pisses you off. 3. Listen Like You're Wrong: Most of us listen like we're just waiting for our turn to talk. Flip the script. Listen like you might be wrong, like there's something you might be missing. It's not about agreeing with everything they say but about truly trying to understand their side of the story. 4. The 'I Feel' Game Changer: Start sentences with "I feel" instead of "You always" or "You never." It's a small shift that can make a big difference. "I feel hurt when we don't spend quality time together" lands way better than "You never make time for us." It's about expressing your feelings without making them feel like they're on trial. 5. Seek the Win-Win: Conflict resolution isn't about winning; it's about finding a solution that doesn't feel like a loss for either of you. It's tough, especially when emotions are running high, but try to approach conflicts
with the mindset of "us against the problem" instead of "me against you." Remember, handling conflict isn't about avoiding it altogether; it's about facing it head-on with the right tools and mindset. It's messy, uncomfortable, and sometimes downright ugly, but it's also where some of the most significant growth and understanding in a relationship can happen. So gear up, dive in, and let's turn those conflicts into stepping stones for a stronger, healthier relationship. Let's jump into Chapter 3, and learn how trust and honesty can sometimes be a bitter pill to swallow.
3 Trust and Honesty - A Bitter Pill If there's one lesson that’s ever hit me like a truck, it's that being too trusting can sometimes leave you flat on your ass, wondering what the hell just happened. Back in my 20s, I was young, handsome(ish), naive, and with a heart the size of Texas. I was the guy who believed there was genuine goodness in people, no questions asked. That is until I got a reality check that came in the form of infidelity and learned that anyone can be an asshole. Even when you least expect it. So there I was in my full-fledged naive glory, head over heels for a girl I could have sworn was "the one”. I know, I know… you can judge me if you want, but I was “In love”. A few months into our relationship, I found out that she was fucking some other dude I decided I’d
name Chad in this story. Sorry if you’re reading this and your name is Chad. When I caught the two of them redhanded in the middle of the act at a party, it like a straight punch to the manhood, where I was left in the fetal position gasping for air and questioning everything I thought I knew about trust, love, and, frankly, my own judgment. So what do when that trust is shattered? Well, if you’re like me in my 20’s, you ignore sage wisdom, and you go to a bar and you find the first girl that you can find to engage in a string of self-loathing revenge sex, and you do this often. To double-down on what not to do, you live the next decade or so of your life bitter and jaded. But you’re reading my book, so you probably want to be better than that version of me, right? Right. Dealing with breaches of trust isn't a one-size-fits-all process. It's a winding path of anger, hurt, introspection, and, if you're willing, forgiveness. Cheating is often seen as the death knell for relationships, and in many cases, it is. It’s almost as if a nuclear bomb has just gone off in your life, and there’s certainly a large amount of fallout. When you look at what’s left, it looks like a bleak post-apocalyptic world
and it’s hard to imagine rebuilding anything meaningful. Breaking up, in many of these instances, can seem like the only viable option, a way to salvage some dignity and start afresh. Yet, there are also stories of relationships that have weathered the storm of infidelity, emerging on the other side stronger and more resilient. These are tales of profound forgiveness, hard work, and a commitment to start anew. They're not about excusing the betrayal but about understanding its context, healing the underlying issues, and making a conscious choice to rebuild together. So, a question I’m often asked about all of this is “Should I stay or should I go?” This is a deeply personal decision, one that hinges on your values, your capacity for forgiveness, and your willingness to rebuild from the ground up. It's about weighing the depth of the betrayal against the foundation you've built together and deciding whether that foundation is strong enough to withstand the reconstruction. It’s about both of you being willing to arrive to the same place together to usher in a new level of openness and honesty to ensure that situation never happens again.
It’s also about knowing your value as a human, and as the late great Kenny Rodgers would say “know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.” Sometimes there’s nothing you or your partner can do to recover from this situation. The ship has been scuttled, its sinking, and its okay if you make the decision that its time to head to your nearest muster point and grab the first life boat you see. You don’t have to go down with the ship. Give yourself the freedom to be at peace with whatever decision you make that you feel is best for yourself. Maybe you’re one of the lucky readers who’s never been cheated on. I envy you, because that shit hurts. There are other plenty of other ways your partner can break your trust, however. Both small lies and colossal betrayals can shake the foundation of your relationship to its core; and that can leave just as big of a mess as being cheated on. Dealing with these breaches of trust isn't about patching up the cracks with quick fixes or empty promises either. It's about diving deep into the why, engaging in the tough conversations, and taking concrete steps to rebuild what's been broken. Sometimes it’s a look at the situation objectively, and others, it’s an honest look at your ugly mess in front of
the mirror. It's a process, one that requires humility, patience, and a shit-ton of hard work. And this brings us to the twin pillars of trust: honesty and transparency. Honesty isn't just about not lying; it's about being true to yourself and your partner, even when it's tempting to hide behind half-truths and omissions. Transparency is about letting your partner see the real you, warts and all. It's about vulnerability, about sharing not just the highlight reel but also the behind-the-scenes bloopers. It’s about emotional nakedness, and that’s just as important as physical nakedness we’ll get into later. In a world where facades are easy to maintain and the truth is often muddled, choosing honesty and transparency is a radical act. It's a commitment to a deeper, more genuine connection, one where trust can flourish and withstand the tests of time and trials. But here's the kicker: maintaining trust and honesty isn't just about avoiding the big no-nos like infidelity. It's about the daily choices, the small acts of integrity, and the commitment to transparency, even when it's uncomfortable.
So, how do you keep the pillars of trust and honesty standing strong in your relationship? Here are five tips to guide you: 1. Communicate Openly and Often: Keep the lines of communication wide open. It's not just about talking; it's about sharing, being vulnerable, and letting your partner in on your thoughts, fears, and dreams. 2. Be Consistent: Trust is built through consistent actions over time. It's showing up, day in and day out, proving through your actions that you are who you say you are. 3. Own Your Mistakes: We're all human; we fuck up. But owning your mistakes, apologizing sincerely, and working to make things right goes a long way in maintaining trust. 4. Respect Boundaries: Trust and respect go hand in hand. Understanding and respecting your partner's boundaries is a non-negotiable part of maintaining a healthy, trusting relationship. We’ll talk about that in the next chapter.
5. Practice Transparency: This doesn't mean you need to share every single thought that crosses your mind. It's about being open and honest about the things that matter, the things that could affect your relationship if left in the dark. Trust and honesty aren't just the foundation of a strong relationship; they're the very soul of it. It's a journey, one that requires patience, understanding, and a whole lot of courage. But believe me, when you find someone who values trust as much as you do, who stands with you in the pursuit of honest, raw, real love, it's worth every damn step.
4 BOUNDARIES AREN’T JUST SUGGESTIONS Have you ever had a friend who treated personal boundaries like speed bumps rather than stop signs? I have. Let's call him Buck. Buck was the kind of guy who'd barge into your space, your time, and even your decisions with the subtlety of a wrecking ball. Need an example? There was this one night, I was on a date, trying to impress this girl I really liked. For the story, we’ll call her Stephanie. We’re at this bar having drinks after our dinner out, and we’re deep into this awesome conversation where things were just jiving. Everything is perfect. She’s laughing at my stupid jokes, I’m laughing at hers, her body language is engaged towards me, it could not be going any better until who shows up
unannounced? Buck. I’ve got no idea how he found me, other than that I grew up in a pretty small town, and there weren’t that many bars. Yet there he was in all his pit-sweat glory, drunk and third-wheeling like it was an Olympic fucking sport, completely oblivious to the "dude, seriously?" vibes I was throwing his way. If you’re an 80s kid like me, imagine him looking like Cousin Eddie in the National Lampoon movies… tank top and all. What was ultimately most mortifying was when he started on this rant about this girl he had just broken up with, and went on this huge tangent right in front of Stephanie about how girls are the absolute fucking worst people on the planet. Negative vibes all the way, right? I duck down in my seat facepalming as he continues on saying that we should buy a boat together and sail the open seas drinking rum and being pirates. Y'all… I shit you not. I apologized to her afterwards, but luckily she thought it was hilarious, and we both had a good laugh at Buck’s expense after he left our table and stumbled to the bar to go talk to some girl. To this day, I still wonder if he ever got his boat. Buck’s chronic boundary-crashing wasn't just annoying; it was a masterclass in how not to respect people's
space, and how to not pick up on social cues. It got me thinking about how crucial boundaries are, not just in friendships but also in relationships. This chapter has wisdom that will apply to both types of relationships. Healthy boundaries are the invisible lines that keep us from feeling like we're losing ourselves in the whirlpool of everyone else’s needs and wants. Healthy boundaries keep us sane. Putting this into practice is like drafting a personal constitution. It's about deciding what's okay, what’s sometimes tolerable, and what's a no-fly zone. This can be things like how you manage your time between friends and partners, to your own personal code of conduct regarding how you expect to be treated. This isn’t about building walls and shutting people out; it's about laying down the ground rules that help you and others thrive and remain in sync. We all have things that we’d prefer the other person not do, but maybe those things aren’t a red flag signaling to run fast and run far right away. Maybe they’re just a faint yellow colored flag. I like to look at these as “mild annoyances.” Let your partner know about these, have patience with them when they trespass this boundary, remind them that that’s a boundary of yours and then
move the fuck on. Pay attention to what they do with that boundary after your first reminder. Do they keep challenging you by tip toeing across? Or, do they respect you enough and steer clear? That in an of itself can turn that yellow flag to a red flag real fast. If they can’t respect a small boundary, you can probably be damn sure they’re not going to respect bigger boundaries. Whatever those may be. At the core of boundaries is respect. It's recognizing that, despite the love and the shared Netflix account, you're two individuals with your own needs, preferences, and peeves. Mutual respect is the glue that holds these boundaries in place. It's about valuing their boundaries as much as your own, even when you don't quite get it. Why? Because respecting boundaries is respecting the person. Remember Chapter 2 on Conflict Resolution? That's your playbook when boundaries are disrespected. It's about communicating openly, not letting resentment build up until it bursts like a shaken soda can. It's about saying, "Hey, when you did X, it made me feel Y," and working together to ensure it doesn't happen again.
So, what are some ways you can set your own boundaries? 1. Communicate Clearly: Be as clear as a crystal ball about what your boundaries are. Don't expect them to be a mind-reader or catch on to hints. Spell. It. Out. Trust me, it’ll do you both a world of favors. 2. Start Early: The best time to set boundaries is yesterday. The next best time? Now. Don't wait for a problem to arise before you make your boundaries known. 3. Be Firm but Fair: Setting a boundary isn't an act of aggression; it's an act of self-respect and respect for the relationship. Be firm in enforcing them but understand that adjustment is a two-way street. 4. Respect Their Boundaries Too: It's a two-way street. Just as you want your boundaries respected, show the same courtesy. If your partner expresses a boundary, take it seriously. 5. Practice Self-Reflection: Sometimes, the issue isn't about the other person crossing your boundaries but
about you not respecting your own limits. Regularly check in with yourself to ensure you're not the one doing the boundary trampling. A regular good, hard look in the mirror should be incorporated into your regular routine. These practices can be applied with friends, family, coworkers, or your own romantic partner. They work for literally any scenario you can face in this adventure of yours called life. So remember, boundaries aren't about keeping someone out; they're about letting someone in on your terms, in a way that preserves your sense of self and respects your individuality. So, draw those lines, communicate them with love, and watch as your relationship together grows stronger, not in spite of them, but because of them.
5 Emotional Support and Empathy - The Learning Curve I’m going to be vulnerable with you all for a minute. Yes, I’m a professional relationship coach, but fuck if am anywhere near perfect. We are all learning, but here, we learn and grow together. When I meet with clients, one of the things that I believe keeps things real, and genuine, is my willingness to share my own personal shortcomings and failures with them. So this is the part of my book I get a little real and honest with you. So let’s get real.
There’s this thing about me that's been a thorn in my side for as long as I can remember: my empathy, or should I say, the “occasional” lack thereof. It's not that I'm some cold-hearted bastard who doesn't give a fuck about others. It's just that sometimes, my own issues are so loud in my head that I can't hear anything else, not even the people I care about most. Take this one time with Sam, for instance. She was going through a hell of a day at work; the kind where everything that could go wrong did. And there I was, so wrapped up in my own issues with projects not lining up, not having enough money to pay my own bills, and wondering when the strikes would ever end, that I might as well have been on another planet. She needed me, and I was MIA, lost in my own head. She didn't make a big deal out of it, but the disappointment was there; hidden beneath her "it's okay" and half-hearted smile. And man, when I finally noticed that, I felt like a complete failure as a partner. It was a wake-up call, a slap in the face reminder that being someone's partner isn't just about sharing the good times, but being their rock when the shit hits the fan. It's about putting your own shit on hold for a
moment to be there for them, to really be there, not just physically, but emotionally. Being an emotional support pillar isn't about grand gestures or always knowing the right thing to say. Half the time, it's about just showing up, being present, and listening. It's about letting your partner know that no matter what's going down, they're not alone. You're in it together, for the long haul. Cultivating empathy in your relationship is like tending to a fire; it needs constant attention and care to keep it burning. It's about making a conscious effort to step into your partner's shoes, to feel what they're feeling, and to see the world from their perspective, even if it's just for a moment. It's about validating their feelings, not minimizing them or trying to fix everything with a snap of your fingers. Why is this so important? Because at the end of the day, we all want to feel understood, to feel like our innermost thoughts and fears are safe with someone. It strengthens the bond, builds trust, and let's be real, it makes navigating the ups and downs of life a hell of a lot easier when you know you've got a solid ride-or-die partner.
When we talk about having that ride-or-die partner, the kind who truly gets the core of who you are, it's essential to spotlight a massive oversight in the emotional support department, particularly for men. The world's been selling this rugged ideal of masculinity, pushing the narrative that a “real man” needs to be some sort of emotional Fort Knox, impervious and stoic. This insistence on emotional lockdown is like trying to navigate a relationship with a map that only shows half the terrain. It leads to a lopsided dynamic, where one partner's inner world is like a locked vault, leaving the other perpetually on the outside. Breaking away from this mold isn't just refreshing; it's critical. It's about acknowledging that strength isn't measured by the emotions you suppress, but by the courage to lay them bare. There’s this odd dynamic where guys often spill their hearts out to their buddies in the dim glow of a sports bar rather than in their own living rooms with their significant others. It boils down to a pretty twisted logic, thanks to a lifetime of being fed the line that vulnerability equals weakness, especially in front of their partners. It's as if from day one, men are handed this unwritten rulebook that says, "Emotions? Sure, just
make sure you unpack those bad boys anywhere but in the serious parts of your life." This leaves a lot of men treating their emotional openness like some kind of contraband, sneaking it around in friend circles but never letting it see the light of day at home. It's a messed-up situation, fostered by outdated stereotypes that do more harm than good, creating a battlefield where nobody wins, especially not the relationships that matter most. Maybe this sounds familiar, or maybe in your exact relationship, the roles are reversed. Either way, if you want to stage your own Fort Knox heist, here are 5 ways you can get through the steel gates and disarm the alarm systems in your partner’s mind. 1. Celebrate the Small Reveals: When your guy inches out of his emotional bunker and shares something personal, treat it like a win, because it is. It doesn't matter if it's a small frustration at work or a comment about how something made them feel—acknowledge it, appreciate it. Make it clear that these moments of openness are not just okay; they're valued. It's about reinforcing that your relationship is a safe zone, not a
high-stakes emotional poker game where they’ve got to hold their cards close to their chest. 2. Lead by Example: Dive into vulnerability yourself. Show him that being open about feelings, fears, and dreams isn't just allowed; it's the gold standard in your relationship. When you lead with your own vulnerability, it sets a precedent. It says, "Look, I'm diving into the deep end of my emotions, no life jacket. Join me?" It's not about one-upping each other on who can be the most vulnerable but showing that this is how we roll, this is how we build something rock-solid. 3. Swap Your Shoes, Not Your Issues: Classic but golden. Spend a day pretending you're your partner. And I don't mean just wearing their shoes or bingewatching their favorite trashy reality TV show. I mean, dive deep. Think about their daily grind, the stuff that gets under their skin, and the little victories they cherish. It's like method acting, minus the audience and the Oscars. This mental cosplay can be a real eyeopener, helping you get why they freak out about the Wi-Fi speed or the importance of the house being perfectly clean like it’s ready for an HGTV photoshoot.
4. The "Why" Deep Dive: Next argument or eye-roll moment, hit pause and ask yourself, "Why do they feel this way?" And don't settle for the first answer that pops into your head. Keep asking "why" like a stubborn fouryear-old until you hit the emotional jackpot. It's like peeling an onion, tears and all, but instead of a salad, you're crafting a bouquet of understanding. Cheesy? Maybe. Effective? Hell yes. 5. Empathy Soundtrack Swap: Create a playlist that captures your current feelings and swap with your partner. Spend a day immersed in each other's chosen tunes to tune into each other's emotional wavelengths. It's a fun way to understand the beats of your partner's heart and maybe even discover their secret love for eclectic music genres. By day's end, you’ll have a deeper insight into each other's moods and maybe a few laughs over each other’s musical choices. Empathy isn't just about feeling what they feel; it's about understanding why they feel it and how you fit into that emotional puzzle. So, next time you're on the brink of a lovers' tiff, channel your inner alien, dive into their story, and maybe, just maybe, swap those proverbial shoes. Who knows? You might just like how they fit.
Having empathy and emotional support aren't just niceto-haves; they're non-negotiable in a healthy, thriving relationship. I'm still working on it myself, and still learning to tune into the world outside my own head. It's a journey, but one well worth taking, especially with someone like Sam by my side.
6 Keeping the Spark Alive - When the Flames Flicker In the dance of long-term relationships, the music inevitably changes tempo. Mood swings, health hiccups, and the relentless barrage of stress life throws at us can take their toll, not just on our minds, but on our bodies too. Yep, I'm talking about the bedroom – or the lack of action therein. It's not a 'dude' thing or a 'girl' thing; it's a human thing. Libido isn't a constant; it ebbs and flows like the tides, often leaving couples stranded on different shores of desire. Let’s imagine a couple. We’ll name them Alex and Jordan, who once couldn't keep their hands off each
other, now find themselves in a dry spell that feels like it's dragging on into a drought. Alex craves the closeness of night, the quiet intimacy that comes with the moon's rise. Jordan, on the other hand, feels most alive with the dawn, their desires peaking with the first rays of the sun. The mismatch in timing adds to the growing chasm between them, turning their bedroom into a silent battleground of unmet needs and frustrations. The thing is, keeping that spark alive, that ineffable connection that initially draws two people together, is about more than just syncing libidos. It's about maintaining both emotional and physical intimacy, nurturing that bond through the ups and downs, the stress, and the mundane. Emotional intimacy is the glue that holds the pieces together when the physical aspect is wavering. It's built on shared experiences, deep conversations, and the kind of laughter that makes your belly ache. Physical intimacy, on the other hand, is its more tangible counterpart, the expression of that emotional bond in a physical form, a reminder of the unique connection shared between two people.