Friendology 101 Facilitator Guide copy

• Explain to girls that their parents or teachers can’t stand up for them when they’re
all alone in the change room or on the playground. They need to learn to fight their
own battles.

• Girls also need to know that standing up for themselves helps create trust in
relationships and makes them stronger because they learn about each other.

• It gets easier each time and you build a little bit of confidence with each experience.
• Not standing up for yourself is like reinforcing her behavior. You could relate this to

their pets. If their dog/cat/bunny bites you and you do not consequence the
behavior, the animal will think it’s okay. Same goes for girls!
• Standing up for yourself is your way of saying that you deserve better!

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Read the statements. Following the last one, give examples of situations and have the
girls hold thumbs up or thumbs down if they think they need to confront the situation
and stand up for themselves:
1. Your friend says she likes dogs better than cats and you have a pet cat at home.
2. Your friend is playing with other girls at recess time.
3. Your friend said she’d be your partner in gym class, then ditched you.
4. Your friend looks at your outfit and points and laughs.
5. Your friend whispers to another girl and looks at you.
Express that it’s important to stand up when their feelings are hurt or the Fire just won’t

go away.

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Express the importance of standing up for yourself.
-It is part of a normal friendship because all healthy relationships have conflict.
(Friendship Fact #1: No friendship is perfect.)
-It is a way of showing love for yourself because you deserve to be treated with respect
and love.
-It is a way to build strength and courage because it requires you put yourself out there,
even though confrontation is scary.
-It is essential for building trust because she will always know you’ll be honest with her if
something is bothering you.

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Read through the steps for confronting the Fire. Get the girls to understand that this is
the ‘Confront the issue’ and ‘Talk it out’ steps in the Friend-o-cycle.
Explain to the girls the importance of using a calm, serious voice. As an example,
pretend to be a girl standing up for herself with a huge smile on her face and giggling.
You could say, “Not cool!” Then, pretend to be a girl who says that same statement in a
loud, vicious voice. Explain how important it is to be calm and serious so that you get
your point across and she believes you. It’s also important to not react like a lunatic
throwing a temper tantrum, as you might scare her and just make the Fire bigger.
Explain the importance of trying to understand her perspective. Express that having
empathy for someone else means that you put yourself in their shoes and really try to
understand their perspective.

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Explain the steps for extinguishing the Fire. This is also part of ‘Talking it out’ and then
‘Forgive and Forget’ in the Friend-o-cycle.

Tell the girls that they need to come to a resolution. If it’s a small Fire, they might simply
apologize and forgive each other. Setting rules for the friendship is another option and
can be formal or informal. One strategy is to sit down and create a list of ‘rules’ together
and both sign the pact. Having a teacher assist them in this process is helpful. If
necessary, the parents can be involved too. Explain that they can tell her what they
need (e.g. “Next time, please make sure you tell me if you borrow my stuff!”), make a
plan (e.g. “Okay, from now on, let’s not play that game anymore because we always end
up fighting when we play that!”), or agree to disagree (e.g. “Let’s just agree to disagree –
you think cats are the coolest and I think dogs are the coolest!”).

The idea of letting it go is hard for girls. Let the girls know sometimes it just takes time
for the Fire to die down and fizzle out. It’s normal and everyone responds differently.
Some girls get over things right away, while other girls take more time. Remind the girls
to be patient and respect how their friend feels!

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Ask the girls how they think most girls will react to being approached about a Fire.
Explain that confrontation is very uncomfortable for girls, so often they will not react in a
mature way. The common responses to being stood up to include (get girls to raise their
hand if they’ve ever experienced any of these before):
- “No, I didn’t!” – she denies it or lies about it.
- “I was only joking! Geez, you’re making a big deal about nothing!” – she deflects the

blame back on you and/or gets mad at you.
- “Whatever! Sorry, I guess.” – she quickly apologizes, even if she doesn’t mean it.

Explain that girls often respond these ways because they’re uncomfortable. Remind the
girls that they’ve done their job by standing up and explaining how they feel – they can’t
control her reaction, but they should take comfort in knowing they’ve let her know it’s
not okay to treat her that way. GirlPower Q-Tip: You can only control one person in this
world – YOU!

Tell girls that if their friend isn’t reacting well, then to tell her something like: “You’re
obviously not listening to what I’m saying. Please let me know when you’re ready to
talk.” Do not continue trying to have a conversation with someone who isn’t being
respectful. If they’re a True Friend (a healthy friend), you will talk about it and work it
out. Ask the girls this: “What if your friend never hears you out and continues doing the
same thing to you? Where would you rate her on the Friend-o-meter?”

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Explain the scenario and start by asking them if one or both of them are feeling the Fire.
In this situation, she may not feel the need to stand up for herself right away. Tell her
that she has gone home and can’t seem to get what her friend said to her out of her
mind. Explain that she notices the Fire is getting bigger and not going away and she’s
feeling really upset that her friend would say something like this to her. Now, imagining
it’s the next day, get the girls to confront the situation.

(You may want to flip back to the previous slide so the girls can see the ‘steps’ for
standing up to a friend.)

Get them to role-play with a friend, starting by casually asking her if she could talk.
Then, have them retell the situation from their perspective, explaining how it made her
feel. For example, “You know when I told you that I got a low mark on the spelling test,
well when you said the test was soooo easy, it made me feel ____________________.”
Then, they need to listen to her side of the story. Once they’ve done that, they should
come to a resolution. In this case, they might be able to put out the Fire with a simple
apology. However, describe how it sometimes takes a bit of time to get over the
negative feeling. What did she learn? Maybe she might not tell that friend when she
gets a low mark, or maybe she trusts that her friend will be more supportive next time.

GirlPower Q-Tip: Make sure your body language says that you’re serious. It’s instinctive
for a shy girl to put her head down (no eye contact) and speak in a very quiet voice.
Challenge girls to improve their body language first, then work on finding their voice.

Wander around watching them and choose a good example to show the group.

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Explain the scenario and start by asking them if one or both of them are feeling the Fire.
What is the Fire here? Describe how she would feel abandoned, let-down, or ditched.
The key to this situation is understanding why the friend has backed out. Explain to girls
that sometimes, before getting angry, they need to ask questions. GirlPower Q-Tip: Ask
why! If her response is, “No reason, I just don’t feel like it anymore”, then it’s worth
standing up and explaining how it makes her feel. If she has a legitimate response, then
be a good friend by being understanding and empathetic. Get them to practice the
situation by first asking why she doesn’t want to be her twin anymore and have her
respond by saying, “I just don’t feel like it!” Get the girls to confront the situation.
Remember:
1.Find a quiet place alone, but keep it casual and comfortable.
2.In a calm, serious voice (no smiling), retell the situation from your perspective.
3.Explain how it made you feel.
4.Give her a chance to explain her side and truly try to understand her perspective.

To put out the fire:
1.Come to a resolution…forgive her, set rules for your friendship, tell her what you need,
make a plan, or ‘agree to disagree’.
2.Figure out what you learned.
3.Remember that time heals! Let it go…

Again, choose a good example to demonstrate to the group!

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Explain that girls need to stand up ON THE SPOT when someone is mean to them on-
purpose. Get them to describe what is happening in the three pictures. Ask, “Is that
mean-on-purpose?”

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Read out Rule #1 and the points below. Give an example by saying, “Not cool!” in a very
weak, quiet voice with your back slumped. Say it again with a big smile on your face.
Get them to see how important it is to stand tall with a strong voice and no smiling. Get
the girls to stand up, stand tall, and say “Hey, you can’t talk to me like that!” in a strong
voice. (They’ll likely be smiling because they’re uncomfortable!) Ensure they’re not
yelling or they’re not using threatening body language (e.g. arms on hips, pointed finger,
etc.).
Read out Rule #2 and remind them that it’s important to choose Comebacks that are
mature. Explain that if they say something rude to her, then they are in the wrong too.
Explain the difference between using the Comeback “You are rude!” versus “That was
rude!”. Avoid ever saying “You are _____” as that’s a personal attack. Focus specifically
on the behavior.

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Read out the tip and give these examples, asking girls if these comebacks will get them in
trouble with teachers or parents:
1. “Oh yeah, well your breath stinks!” – this is not allowed because she’s said

something mean to her.
2. “Takes one to know one!” – this is not allowed because she’s insulted her back.
3. “You’d better watch yourself!” – this is not allowed because it’s a threat.
4. “Get a life!” – this is not allowed because it’s an insult.
Get the girls to understand that they need to take the high road and stand up for

themselves in a way that is respectful, but still gives her the message that she
cannot treat you like that.

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Before you read out the Quick Comebacks, ask the girls to write down (or remember)
one that they think they’d be comfortable saying. Then, go through and read the list in a
strong voice.

“I don’t think so!” – simply disagree.
“Not cool.”– straight to the point.
“Well, that’s your opinion!” – let her think what she wants.
“Excuse me.” – a simple, but powerful statement.
“Wow!” or “Unreal.” – the one-word response.
“That’s hurtful.” – tell her straight-up.
“Jessica!” – say her name.
“That’s not even worth a response.” – the no-response response.

Explain that Quick Comebacks aren’t designed to incite a conversation. A Quick
Comeback has two purposes: (1) Let’s her know that you saw/heard what she just did,
and (2) You’re not cool with it! Quick Comebacks aren’t questions (e.g. some girls are
tempted to say, “Why did you do that to me?” or “Why are you being like that?”)
because a question starts a conversation – and when someone is mean-on-purpose, a
conversation is not warranted. A Quick Comeback is a statement - short and to the point.
The idea, too, is that you have one Quick Comeback memorized that you use in every
situation. If they do not connect with any on the list, they can make up their own. Ensure
their Quick Comeback is short, ends in a period (not a question mark), and will apply to
all situations.

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Ask the girls how they think a bully will react. Get them to expect that a bully will most
likely not react very well. She may retort by saying something even meaner, she may
threaten her, she may go off and tell her friends. The idea is that girls know to make
their point, then walk away. This is not a conversation! If the bully responds in a
threatening manner, they head directly to get support from a teacher or a parent. You
want them to understand that they should not engage in a ‘verbal battle’ with a bully –
stand up with a Quick Comeback and then walk away. Her only objective is to let the
bully know that she will not let her get away with being mean.
Let the girls know that if the bully comes back at her with something even meaner, then
they say in a strong voice, “This is not a conversation.” They should then immediately
walk away and report that behavior to a teacher. Use the analogy, “Bullying is against
the law at school! Just like we have to report bad things to the police, you need to report
bullying to teachers.” Emphasize that this is not tattle-telling!
Get them to act out how a bully might react, so that they know what to expect.

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Ask the girls if this is mean-on-purpose. Get them to see that this is different from a
Friendship Fire.
Get the girls to practice using their Quick Comebacks in a strong voice. Explain that this
is a very difficult situation because they’re standing up to both girls.
Start off by telling them that you are the two girls, get them to raise their hand if they’d
like to try standing up to you. If they’re smiling or they don’t have a strong voice, get
them to try again. Give them a high-five when they stand up for themselves in a strong
voice and tell them you believed them!

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This time, to make sure every girl has had a chance to show you she can use a strong
voice, go through the group and point at every girl. Get her to stand up and give you her
best, strongest “Quick Comeback”. Give her a big high-five to let her know she passed
the test!

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Start off by asking this question: “Should your friend have shown you the note?” Get the
girls to understand that her friend has just put herself in the middle and should have
never shown you the note in the first place.
In this situation, since it’s already happened (and this happens to girls a lot!), encourage
the girls to start by telling her she saw the note, followed by their Quick Comeback (e.g.
“I saw the note. Not cool.”) Find a girl who does a really good job and get her to present
to the group.

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GirlPower Q-Tip: Girls think they have a moral obligation to tell their friend if someone
says something mean about them. Explain to girls that that’s called gossiping and will
make the situation worse. Ask the girls: “Will telling her make the Fire bigger or
smaller?” Get them to understand this would spread the Fire. Instead, let girls know that
they have a moral obligation to stand up for their friend in that moment.

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Read through each of the points for how to cope with a bully. Explain that if it’s on-
going, get them to document what she does and when so that she has some details to
give to parents and teachers. Tell the girls to talk to a teacher they trust and ask her/him
if their classroom can be their ‘safe place’ for when she needs a break from the bully.
Remind the girls that by thinking about her all the time, they’re giving her more power.
Encourage them to take control and not allow the bully the privilege of invading her
thoughts. Explain to girls that they can only control one person, themselves, so they can
choose how they react to the situation. Remind them to surround themselves with True
Friends and to focus on their passions and what makes them happy!

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Explain that it’s important that they are a True Friend (BFF) to themselves. Give them
ideas for things to do to cheer them up and keep them strong when they’re having
friendship troubles! Ask them if they can think of anything else that would be on this
list?

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Remind the girls of these very important concepts. The link will take you to a YouTube
video with lyrics. Encourage them to dance and sing along!!

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Explain that a mantra is like a “power statement” that they can say over and over to
themselves when they’re down. Mine is “You are Strong!” – hence the GirlPower
website name. “The Little Engine that Could” had a mantra that got him up the hill: “I
think I can! I think I can!” Get them to think of a mantra that makes them feel strong and
have them write it down in their journal every night.

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The most important messages to get across include:
•Surround yourself with good friends and let go of unhealthy friendships by creating
distance and seeking support.
•Empathy means to see things from another’s perspective and truly try to understand
how that person feels.
•A good friend has empathy for her friends.
•Making new friends can be uncomfortable, but the key is to find something in common
with her.
•Don’t come on too strong and don’t be too elusive. Find a nice balance!

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Ask the girls to share what Mantras they came up with. Ask them situations when they
could use their Mantras. Review homework assignments.
Suggestion: Get the girls to type up their mantras in a BIG font. Print them out, color
them, glue them on colored paper, and hang them up around the school.

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Quickly review the four Friendship Facts. Get the girls to say them with you!
Suggestion: This time get them to use their best adult voice when they say them. This is
always funny to hear how they imitate adults!

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Ask each question individually. See how much the girls remember and reinforce
important concepts.

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Ask the girls to look at the chart. Ask them if they can think of someone who fits into
each of those categories of friends. Explain to them how even just one person in their
life can have a negative influence on their overall happiness. It is important to surround
yourself with friends who make you feel good; friends who bring sunshine into your life
instead of rain clouds. Friends who bring rain clouds should not be part of your core
circle of friends.

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Explain that there are times when they might need to let go of a friendship. Let girls
know that this isn’t as scary as they think! Letting go simply means to create distance –
spend less time with this person. Letting go is more like redefining a friendship. You’re
letting go of what it used to be!
When two people just do not mesh, when they bring out the worst in each other, when
they’re making each other miserable, when the bad times far outweigh the good times,
it’s time to change the relationship (because it’s obviously not working).
Read through these questions with the girls, emphasizing that they’ve tried everything
before redefining the friendship.

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Here’s the thing: Girls may go through all of this and end up being her best friend in a
month. The point is that girls learn to create distance from friends who are bullies, bad
influences, or who bring out the worst in them. It is important that girls do not maintain
unhealthy or abusive friendships/relationships – a lesson that will undoubtedly help
them once boys are in the picture. GirlPower teaches girls to surround themselves with
friends who make them feel good. This means that sometimes, after they’ve tried
everything, it might be time to let go of an unhealthy friendship. Go through each of the
points with the girls. Emphasize that it is important to let parents and teachers know (so
that teachers don’t put you in groups and parents don’t line up playdates). Remind her
of the importance of being civil and pleasant and not choosing ‘inappropriate ways to
feel better’.

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Read the scenario to the girls. Ask the girls to put themselves in Zoe’s shoes. Get them
to describe how Zoe must feel. Congratulate them if they were able to really
understand how Zoe might feel – that means they have empathy. Empathy is a very
important quality of a True Friend.

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Remind them that one of the keys to understanding other people and maintaining
friendships is to be empathetic. If they can put themselves in someone else’s shoes,
they’ll be more likely to understand their perspective and be less likely to resent
someone for their actions.

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Make the connection for the girls that a healthy friendship and empathy go hand-in-
hand. When you go through the Friend-o-cycle, you must have empathy. If you
consider her feelings while working through a Fire, you’re more likely to understand her
perspective and extinguish the Fire. It is essential in a relationship to try to understand
how the other person is feeling.

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Explain to the girls that they need to find the balance between being nonchalant and
over-bearing. They don’t want to scare her away, but also don’t want her to feel like
they’re not interested. Explain that it’s always a bit uncomfortable making a new friend,
but it’s worth it!

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Describe the steps.
1. Really put emphasis on being true to themselves and not trying to be someone

they’re not – otherwise they’ll attract the wrong kinds of friends. If they love
horses, they should continue to explore that passion – despite what other girls are
interested in.
2. Tell them to find something in common with her, by asking her a question. For
example, “Do you have a sister? Me too!” or “Do you play the piano? So do I!” It is
those simple connections that start a friendship.
3. Help the girls understand that they should not come on too strong. Sometimes girls
can be overbearing, whereas ‘shy’ girls can sometimes seem like they don’t care.
Explain that they have to find that balance.
4. Once they’ve asked her to hang out once, wait and let the other girl reciprocate.
Forming a friendship is a two-way street, so help them understand that they need to
allow time for the friendship to grow.

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Read this quote and ask them to explain what it means. Use this metaphor to help them
understand the life-cycle of friendships. Some examples to hope for include:
-Take time to grow
-Need to be taken care of
-Make life beautiful
-Sometimes die (i.e. sometimes friendships end)
-Start off as little sprouts and grow into something amazing

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Hand out the GirlPower Mixer sheets. Explain that they cannot use the same name
more than once (unless you have a small group) and that these are questions you could
ask when making a new friend. Demonstrate for them that finding one thing in common
with another person can spark a whole conversation (and the beginning of a new
friendship). The key is to find something in common with her (planting the seed) and go
from there!

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Remembering these four things will help girls maintain healthy friendships!
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Social Experiment – Lunch date: Before doing this, you may need to get the permission
of the other teachers and principal. If that’s not an option, girls could invite a new friend
over to their house one day. Do what works for your girls, but this week’s project is to
have a little ‘date’ with a new friend.
You are a Star: Hand out the assignment and read over the instructions with the girls.
You can glue these stars onto a colored sheet, cut them out, and hang them from the
ceiling in a classroom. Alternatively, you could put these stars on the “Looking into our
Soles!” bulletin board.
Remind the girls to bring their Stars and their Shoe Art to the last session.

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The most important messages to get across include:
•Standing up for yourself is not being mean. It’s a way of showing love for yourself.
•Standing up for yourself is not necessary every single time something happens.
•Standing up for yourself to a friend is done in a calm, respectful voice where you explain
how the situation made you feel and you talk it out together.
•Quick Comebacks are necessary when a girl does something mean to you on purpose
(bullying).

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Ask the girls how inviting a new friend over felt. Get them to compare how they felt at
the beginning versus how they felt at the end. Remind them that although it’s awkward
at first, it gets more and more comfortable with time. Spending time with new friends is
also a great way to learn a little more about themselves. Every friend teaches you a little
something and exposes you to new things!
Get the girls to share their stars that describe all the things that make them happy!
Collect them so that you can put them on display.

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Remind the girls of the important concepts from Session 1.
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Remind the girls of this important chant/quote!
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Test the girls to see if they have the Friendship Facts memorized!
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Remind the girls that it’s important to think about their friendships and whether or not
they’re healthy or unhealthy. The GirlPower advice is to increase your daily dose of
healthy friendships – spend more time with friends who treat you with respect and
make you feel good. Limit the amount of time you spend with people who make you feel
bad. And, if you’ve stood up for yourself and used the steps for putting out Friendship
Fires, but you still have a friendship that’s stuck in the unhealthy zone, the GirlPower
advice is: SPEND LESS TIME WITH HER. Relationships are a choice!

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Remind them about the normal cycle of a healthy friendship and if it really is a BFF,
you’ll go around and around this cycle forever!

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Remind them about the important concepts they learned in Session 3.
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Remind the girls about the important concepts covered in Session 4.
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Remind the girls when we need to stand up on the spot!
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Review the rules for Quick Comebacks.
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Remind the girls of this little tip!
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Review the main concepts from Session 5 – Making and Keeping Good Friends. Remind
the girls that friendships will last if they’re treated with respect. Also, encourage girls to
make new friends and be open to meeting new people. Get them to put themselves out
there!

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