Head To Toe

HEAD TO TOE And When I Can’t

 

I  arrived  at  his  house  around  noon.  His  warmth 

over  the  phone  was  only  exceeded  by  his  warmth  when 

he  opened  the  door  and  invited  me  in.  When  I  came  in, 

we  embraced  in  the  hallway.  It  was  an  amazing  feeling 

because  we  both  had  loved  before,  and  I  think  we  were 

both needing what we both gave each other.  

We  talked  for  a  couple  hours,  got  to  know  each 

other a little, and I silently thought, “wow…” 

There  is  a  stereotypical  gay  man  in  everyone’s 

mind.  All  gay  men  are  no  older  than  40,  are  tall, hunky 

and  muscular.  I  was  none  of  those.  Carlos  was  none  of 

those.  In  fact,  I  felt  so old that I could fart dust. It made 

me  wonder  if  we  were  both  really  gay  or  not.  We  were 

not  what  you  would  say  looked  like  gay  men.  He  had 

very little hair, a small man, but a smile that would bring 

the  roof down. You could never pick him out as gay in a 

crowd. Never. 

I  left  his  house around 2 because I had committed 

to  watching  Kristy  and  it  was  time  to  get  back  home  to 

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relieve  the  temporary  babysitter,  Kristy’s  great 

grandmother. 

I  didn’t  want  to  appear  needy;  nor  did  he.  We 

didn’t  talk  for  a  few  days  but  when  we  did,  the 

conversations made us feel like school girls on the phone, 

yakking  until we had run out of words and things to say. 

The more we talked, the more we wanted to. 

The  first  year  of  our  getting  to  know  each  other 

was  exciting.  We  saw  each  other  frequently  and  by  the 

end of the year, we had become “boyfriends.” That’s hard 

for me to say…but that’s the way it was. 

Carlos and I had been seeing each other for nearly 

2  years  by  the  end  of  2000,  and  for  once  in  my  life,  I 

believe  I  found  peace and happiness. That is not to say I 

wasn't happily married…but I was, for once, comfortable 

and  content  with  myself,  and  I  think  that  is  every 

human’s right; to be happy with themselves for who they 

are as a person. We traveled frequently, as he had earned 

MANY miles on his Delta Sky Miles, so it didn’t  cost us 

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anything  to  go  places  every  now  and  again  and  to  get 

away  for an extended weekend. He traveled for his work 

as  an  educator  /  consultant  for  a  software  firm,  dealing 

with  schools  and  children.  When  he had the opportunity 

to  get  away  for  pleasure,  it  was  a  welcomed  change. 

January  of  2000  found  us  in  Fort  Lauderdale  for  my 

birthday,  just  relaxing  in  the  warm  winter  Florida  sun, 

and  seeing  things  I  had  not  seen before. It’s always nice 

to get to see “how the other half lives…….”  

We  traveled  a  lot  that  year,  going  places  I  had 

never been to, and in a new relationship I had never had. 

I remember one day telling him, “What happens if 

this  doesn’t  work  out?  What  do  we  do?  At  that  point, 

we’d  probably  been  seeing  each  other  around  a  year  or 

so.  We  made  this  pact  that  “we  fit”  and  that  we’re  in  it 

“for the long haul.” 

He was made aware early in our relationship about 

my  health  issues  and  my  long  history  of  diabetes.  That 

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didn’t  seem  to  deter  him.  “We’ll  get  through  things 

together” he would say. 

As our years together grew, so did our love for one 

another.  Our  love,  our  trust,  our  caring…all  part  of  it. 

When  it  became  law  in  2013,  and  after  nearly  15  years 

together, we married on July 24, 2013.  

Our  companionship  and  relationship  continued  to 

flourish  as  it  does  today.  We are now going into our 21st 

year  together  and  after  all  this  time  together,  we  started 

into  looking  into  living  together.  It  meant  selling  the 

house but it also meant being with each other to continue 

our lives as husbands and best friends. 

As  my  health  started  to  decline  a  few  years  back, 

not  only  because  of  the  diabetes,  but  with  other  health 

issues,  we  have  become  reliant  on  each  other,  no matter 

the  circumstances,  no  matter  the  cost.  In  2009  after 

complications  from  cataract  surgery,  he  was  my  eyes 

when I couldn’t see. 

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In  2015  I  suffered  a  permanent  hearing 

impairment,  its  etiology unknown. The frustration of not 

being  able  to  hear  again  or  sing  again  or  hear  my  own 

voice  as  I  once  knew  it,  was  to  say  the  least,  traumatic 

physically and emotionally. Movies are out. Music is out. 

Recording  is  out.  Television  is  closed  captioned.  A 

purchase  of  new  hearing  aids  is  a  help  but  not  a  cure. 

Hearing  aids  do  not  restore  normal  hearing.  They  do 

what  they’re  designed  to  do:  magnify  sounds.  I  also 

bought  a  television  transmitter  that  Bluetooth’s  to  the 

aids  so  I  can  hear  television,  albeit  poorly.  I  hesitate  in 

taking or making telephone calls unless he is here. But he 

is my ears when I can’t hear. 

In  2014  I  fell  and  fractured  my  hip  that  needed 

replacing.  The  fall  also  critically  and  permanently 

damaged my back. The many surgeries since have left me 

in a walker that has devastated me. He is my crutch when 

I can’t walk. 

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He is my strength when I am weak. He is my eyes 

when  I can’t see. He is my voice when I can’t speak. He 

sees  the  best  there  is  in  me.  He lifts me up when I can’t 

reach…he  believes  in  me,  and  I  am  everything  I  am 

because he loves me.  

Now I know you’re thinking, “wait…I know those 

words…”  Yes,  you  do.  From  “Because  You  Loved  Me” 

by Celine Dion. But I think it’s so appropriate to include 

here. 

Why  is  a  story  about  my  coming  out  and  then 

meeting Carlos in a book about my health? 

Because  Carlos  has  saved  my  mind.  He  has  kept 

my  head  focused  on  what’s  important  in  life.  He’s  kept 

me  mentally  stable.  He’s  kept  me  from  doing  harm  to 

myself.  He  has  saved  my  life.  Carlos  is  my  “yes”  man. 

When others say “no”, he says “yes.” 

There  are  things  in  my  aging  life  that  I  can  no 

longer do.  

And when I can’t, he does. 

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To  my  angel  on  earth,  my  loving  husband,  my 

partner, my best friend . . . 

I love you. 

 

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HEAD TO TOE: Epilogue 

When you think of the billions of years since the
creation of Earth, and the billions of years left before it’s
demise, think about the proportion of time we have spent
here living our lives. Proportionately it’s a split second. A
finger snap. A blink of an eye. A fraction of a breath.
That’s not very long, and when you consider all we have
accomplished during that split second of life, we don’t
really have the luxury of time to be sick. We have to
make the most of the time we spend living. Even with
illnesses and other issues.

When all this is over, I want to have inspired
people. I want people to say, “Because of him I didn't
give up.” I want to have been an influence and inspiration
to others. I hope I have. I think I’ve left my mark.

That’s why I’ve written this book. That’s why I’ve
probed my memory to share with the reader. I want
people who read this book to realize all is not lost. You’re
OK, I’m OK. Together, we’re OK.

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I don't know if there is a reincarnation or not. But
if there is, when it’s my time to go, I want to come back
as me.

“I have been young; a fresh faced sprout, with agile legs,
a muscled arm and smile to charm the world I went
through in a rush to get a little older, sooner.

“Catching my reflection while passing past a looking
glass not long ago I discovered I was older, even old.
There was no sudden melancholy or regret, and yet some
sadness in the wonder that it happened while I wasn’t
watching; no pause to proudly ply the autumn into winter
process.

- Rod McKuen

This project has taken me many years to complete. I

undoubtedly have left things out, but when you think

about it, how would you know?

I’ve tried to be complete. I’ve tried to have you learn
about me from the inside out, to know who I am. In the

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process, I have learned about myself, from my side out. .
I have tried to know who I am.

I hope I have succeeded.
Thank you for reading.
I love you all.
Michael

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