Live To Serve Zine

50



















Of Self-Care and Parfinas

L’Arachel, from what little Lute knew, was a peculiar woman, equal parts princess and gremlin.
One minute, she could be found in the healer’s tent, sweat clinging to her brow and hands
shaking as she relentlessly poured all of her energy into healing every wound and scratch…
and the next, she would be chortling away to herself as she partook in gambling with luck so
fortunate that it made the gods themselves weep. Perhaps. Lute had never been able to prove
the existence of any deities, and thus, didn’t believe in them herself.

L’Arachel’s uncanny luck would be a fascinating topic to study. Today, however, was not the time
for that.

Despite apparent common belief, Lute was not prideful. She knew her abilities, she knew her
skills, and she knew her own limits. It wasn’t her fault that she had significantly fewer limits than
most people.

However, the wielding of a staff, the prowess of healing magic? That was foreign to her. She had
studied as much as she could and memorised countless books, but there truly was no better practice
than to actually do it.

And so that was how Lute found herself approaching L’Arachel in the middle of their next
battle. It wasn’t a difficult or concerning fight. Only a rudimentary scuffle against some
monsters at Narube River. The thick, sluggish soil surrounding the river meant that it was easy
enough to catch up to L’Arachel, who…

...was sitting on the river bank
near a small bed of sprouting
parfina flowers, feeding her
horse some fruit.

In the middle of battle.

60

Suddenly, Lute did not feel quite as confident.

Regardless, she was never one to falter in a mission once she had started it, so Lute squared
her shoulders and marched onwards. The yells and sounds of monsters and people alike echoed
behind her.

“You,” Lute called as she stopped in front of them. “I wish to speak with you.”

The deafening crunch of a bitten apple was the only response. Frowning, Lute leaned forward
and yanked it out of the horse’s mouth, ignoring its annoyed neigh.

“I said I wanted to speak with you,” she replied.

Another neigh, this one sounding confused. Lute sighed and rested her forehead against her
fingers. Oh, the difficulties of simply being too intelligent for this world.

“I should have known you’d be unable to comprehend a genius such as myself.”

A hand snatched the apple from Lute’s hand. She raised an eyebrow.

“Were you intending to speak with myself, perchance?” L’Arachel drawled with her own

eyebrows arched high. Her face, rather pallid in appearance, shone — whether it was from the
moisture of the nearby river, sweat, or something else, Lute couldn’t tell. “You came over
here with a most ambitious walk — almost as gallant as my own!” She leaned over to her
horse with the apple held out. After giving a cautious sniff, it plucked it from her fingers, almost
slurping them with its gentleness. Lute resisted a shudder both violent and curious.

“I did, yes.” She peered in closely to take a better look at the horse’s face as it munched
away at the apple. It stopped abruptly, gave Lute a glare that would have made a lesser man soil
himself, before returning to its snack.

Lute just hmphed.

“...But your steed has caught my attention.”

“Oh, Constance?” L’Arachel brightened considerably, and it was only when she did that Lute
realised how unlike herself she had appeared before. An unfamiliar feeling, like the one she got
when Artur was clearly overexerting himself and refused to rest, grumbled in her chest and made
her feel ill. “She’s an absolute sweetheart, so she is. A perfect companion for a champion
of justice and beauty as magnificent as myself!” Her hand drifted up Constance’s cheek and
began to rub behind one of her ears. L’Arachel herself was gazing at a puddle on the ground.
Lute followed her eyes, but there was absolutely nothing about it that warranted particular
attention. “Alas, she’s exhausted herself, so I insisted she rest for a spell.”

“I see.” Lute nodded. “That explains…” She gestured towards the dirt. “...this.”

“Oh, it’s mostly dry, you needn’t fret.”

61

Lute hadn’t been planning on sitting down, but given that L’Arachel seemed quite content
to sit there and do nothing at all, she didn’t have much of a choice. Sweeping out her cape and
gathering the material in her fist, Lute patted the ground underneath before gingerly sitting
down. She draped her cape over her legs as a sort of make-shift blanket.

“Did you need something?” L’Arachel asked. “I can only assume you didn’t trek across this
battlefield just to wonder at my brilliant self, although I certainly couldn’t blame you if you did!”

There was something… rather forced about L’Arachel’s current attitude. Admittedly, Lute
may not have been as much an expert in the way of emotions as she was with science, but she
knew enough to see the strain in L’Arachel’s usually vibrant eyes. They lacked the twinkle of
amusement and mirth they so-oft held, even as she attempted to give her usual beams and
grins. Many of the members in their army seemed to have that issue, where they would smile
even if their eyes didn’t reflect the joy they were supposedly expressing. Commander Eirika’s
smiles, which Lute suspected were meant to be comforting, increasingly only came across as
desperate and lackluster as of late. And although she had rarely spoken with him, the cavalier
with the short blond ponytail would often chuckle and laugh and jest around with other people,
only to let out a heavy sigh and drop his smile as soon as he was alone.

Lute could appreciate what they were doing. Army morale was important, after all, but she
failed to see the point of pretending. Wasn’t it simply more exhausting and energy-depleting in
the long term?

Well. She wasn’t here for that.

“I recently promoted into the sage class,” Lute said. “As much reading as I have done on the
subject, which is far greater than what you can imagine, my practical experience with healing
is… non-existent.” Lute found herself staring at her balled-up hands in her lap. “Over this war, I
have increasingly realised the experience of actual experience. Something that reading cannot
substitute for.” She forced herself to raise her head. “And so I come to you to request that you
impart upon me your knowledge. You are an established healer, after all.”

It was a few seconds before L’Arachel answered, forcing away her startled expression in

the blink of an eye. “Why — I am honoured. ” She grinned. “Finally, someone around here
realises the extent of my skill. I would be thrilled to teach you healing!” Her grin became
thinner and softer, her eyes finally reflecting it. “We have the perfect opportunity right here!”

“We do?”

“My dear, darling, precious Constance got a bit of a scratch on her leg,” L’Arachel said.
“That was actually why we were resting here. That, and, well. This is certainly one of the
kinder battlefields we’ve been on.”

“Indeed.” Lute gave a cautionary glance around. Not a single monster in sight. Perhaps it was
unseeming to not be out there battling, and she was certain that she would be scolded by some
fool afterwards. By someone who did not realise that her current actions would only benefit them
more in the long term. Their little army had an alarming scarcity of healers. Training as many as
possible could only bring positives. “Show me this wound, then.”

62

She wondered why L’Arachel hadn’t healed it herself, and had instead been… feeding her
injured horse apples.

Constance was a remarkably well trained steed. She didn’t whine or snort when Lute drew
closer, nor when L’Arachel gently coaxed her to stretch out her leg. It was as blindingly white
and pure as the rest of her body, save for splotches of mud and a long, thin cut on the lower
back of her front leg. When Lute rested a finger on it, as lightly as she could, a fierce huff from
Constance ruffled her hair. She didn’t pull away, but she certainly didn’t look pleased.

“I was only testing for pain,” Lute grumbled.

“She’s not a human,” came L’Arachel’s voice. Gone was all of her traces of humour from
earlier; in front of Lute sat a healer with years of experience, who had grafted together shattered
bones and stitched up gruesome wounds that left even Lute herself wincing. “Horses are very
skittish creatures and easily scared.”

“And humans aren’t?”

There was a brief pause before L’Arachel wiggled her hand in an ‘I suppose’ kind of fashion.
She didn’t say anything, instead shuffling closer to Lute so that they were sitting side-by-side in
front of Constance. The hard ground was beginning to numb Lute’s legs and bottom.

“Do you have a staff on you?”

“Of course.”

There had been a slight temptation to go for the strongest healing staff around, but it was
only logical to start off with the weakest one. It would be like attempting to wield an Excalibur
tome when you failed to summon even a breeze with a Wind tome.

Lute was not a fool. And, besides, L’Arachel herself was in possession of the sacred Latona,
the most powerful staff in all of Magvel, able to fully restore anyone and everyone save for the
wielder itself. The ultimate act of selflessness.

She frowned.

“Lute?”

“Ah — my apologies.” Shaking her head, Lute gave her cheeks a slap to remind herself
to focus. She unstrapped the Heal staff she had on her back, its gentle blue head almost an
identical shade of the snaking river ahead.

“Yes — this will be perfect.” L’Arachel raised her hands — they were trembling, ever-so-
slightly — and rested them on the staff next to Lute’s own hands. The white fabric of her
gloves was a sharp contrast against Lute’s own bare skin. Perhaps she ought to don some form
of hand protection herself in the future. Although it had never happened to her, many mages,
novice and expert alike, injured themselves with flame and frost and bolt. Even holy light
magic could scorch away one’s skin.

She gave her head another shake. Now was not the time to get lost in thoughts.

63

“Staves aren’t difficult to use if you’re already attuned with magic — especially as well as
you are.” L’Arachel’s smile was kind. She led the staff’s head closer to Constance’s wound. Lute allowed
herself to be guided. “You simply place the head of the staff over the injury, like this…”

The faint gleam of the staff’s head brightened the dried patches of blood and mud.

“You needn’t be too close. This is quite enough.” L’Arachel leaned in closer, enough that her
own pallid face was illuminated by the staff’s glow as well. All it did was intensify what Lute had seen
earlier; the shadows under her dim eyes, the hallows of her cheeks, the unnatural twitch of her eye. It
made Lute’s chest twist in that odd sort of way again. “The magic should flow naturally. All that is
necessary is to imagine the wound’s appearance after it has healed.”

“You needn’t control it?”

“Not at all.” L’Arachel took her hands away and rested them in her lap, her fingers clenched in one
another. Her gloves wrinkled around her knuckles. “That’s the main difference between healing
magic and offensive magic.”

“Indeed…” None of her books had told her that. Most of the advice had been to simply channel the
magic into the wound. “It makes sense. Healing magic consists of quickening a body’s typical healing
rate. That doesn’t require directing the magic.”

“Exactly.”
Lute shifted. Constance gave a neigh that almost sounded impatient. “So..?”

L’Arachel glanced up from where she had been gazing at the ground. “Ah — you needn’t wait for
myself. Do so whenever you are ready.”

In that moment, Lute felt as if she should have said something, anything, to break the heavy
awkwardness in the air. Instead, she just nodded.

Understandably, she hadn’t been around many horses growing up, or indeed, many animals
at all. Most of them were skittish around her. The few times she did seek them out, usually for a
strand of hair or a clump of fur for one experiment or another, they always startled and got away
before she could catch them. There was a faint scar, so tiny that it was barely noticeable, along
her left thumb from where a particularly grumpy cat had scratched her.

It was difficult for her mind to conjure the image of what a healed horse’s leg should look like.
Then again, perhaps she was overthinking it.

So she just did it.

64

The head of the Heal staff took on a brighter glow, becoming almost blinding. Lute had to
squint and duck her head away slightly — was this why the healers always raised it above their
head? She would have to keep that in mind for the future.

Her body, as sensitive and accustomed to magic as it was, could feel the flow of the magic
drifting from the staff to skin. Constance gave a soft, confused-sounding neigh.

The light faded. Lute opened her eyes and made a pleased noise.
There was no cut in sight. Constance’s leg was smooth and flawless, save for the splatters of
mud and blood. Lute had seen that phenomenon on her own flesh time and time again, Artur’s
impatient voice chiding in her ear, but never before had it been by her hand.
It made her chest feel strangely warm.
And then she glanced up to L’Arachel’s drawn face, and that warmth was gone, chilled to that
strange tight sensation that Lute hadn’t often felt before.

Was this… concern?
“Thank you,” L’Arachel whispered. “And well done. You did mar—”
“Be quiet.”
L’Arachel blinked. “...Pardon?”
“Ugh.” Oh, what Lute would give to be understood. “Give me approximately sixty seconds.”
“So, a minute..?”
Lute sprayed her hands out amongst the drying dirt and grass. This close to the river, the
damp soil clumped and dug in underneath her fingernails, and she couldn’t resist her wince. Not
from it affecting her appearance — as if she let such tiny things bother her like that — but from
simply how unfamiliar it was. She was still learning so much about the outside world, things that
no amount of reading could have taught anyone. There were no words adequate to describe the
scent of moist earth for when the ground was perfect for planting crops. For the icky squelches
it gave as she pushed it away from the caked parfina petals and stems. She worked her fingers
in, deep into the ground, until she reached the bottom of the roots and wiggled the flower out as
gently as she could. Once the first flower was done, she laid it out atop of her spread-out robe,
vibrant purple against faded blue, and got to work on the next.

65

L’Arachel didn’t make a single noise as Lute worked. She chanced a glance up, just once, and
saw an expression on L’Arachel’s face that she could not even begin to guess the meaning of. It
was a peculiar mixture of discomfort and gratitude. Her body language was of little additional
assistance; she had a hand weakly held out in the air, as if unsure whether or not to intervene
with Lute’s work. She snorted at the mere thought of anybody stopping her.

Eventually, she was complete. In-between them were a small bundle of parfina flowers — only
the finest ones that Lute could find, of course. Despite the clear evidence, however, L’Arachel still
appeared rather lost.

“You are a healer, yes?” Lute held up one of the flowers close to L’Arachel’s face so that she
could see it. On many of its purple petals were speckles of white. Indeed, in times long gone, the
flower had once been believed to be toxic until a fortunate scientist had accidentally brewed it into
a potion and found their weariness wiped away overnight. “Do you not know what these are?”

“O-of course I do,” L’Arachel muttered. Her warm fingers brushed over Lute’s as she took
the stem into her own hand. “Parfina flowers, yes? Used for fatigue, headaches, chronic
pain, and other related conditions.”

“Indeed.” Lute smiled. “I’m glad you know that much.”

“That much?”

“After this battle, we shall concote you a potion to help alleviate your exhaustion.”
“My..?” L’Arachel shook her head with a smile so fake that Lute fought the sudden urge to
scratch it off. “I don’t—”
“I came to you to ask for your guidance for healing,” Lute hissed. She took a deep breath and
forced her voice to calm; she couldn’t understand where this burst of emotion had come from.
“And yet you refuse to heal yourself. You are adamant in insisting that you are nothing less than
perfect, as if we are not all in a war against monsters and demons. Even I, as much of a genius as
I am, know when to take breaks. How much can I learn from someone who claims to be a healer
and does not look after themselves? Just how much good can someone who is ready to kneel
over from exhaustion be?”

...Well. She’d failed miserably at repressing that spark.

66

But L’Arachel was giving her a look of wide eyes, face frozen — and, blissfully, that damned
smile gone.

Lute swallowed down the heaviness that had mysteriously formed in her throat. She crossed
her arms, and, when silence continued to reign, broke it with her own sigh.

“I see how it is,” she murmured. She made to stand—

“No, wait!”

She paused.

“I just—” L’Arachel twirled a strand of hair around her finger with a nervous giggle, not
looking at her. Her entire head of hair was a frazzled mess, more of it spilling out of its bun than
what was actually contained. “I’ve never heard you talk so much. Especially all at once! It
came as quite the surprise.”

“Why does everyone say that?” Lute muttered. “I talk plenty.”

“Pardon?”

“Think nothing of it.” She dug her nails into her arms slightly. “And don’t think I failed to
notice your meager attempt to change the subject.”

L’Arachel’s face flushed and her eyes widened, looking rather like a horse who had been
caught munching on feed accidentally left in its stable. “I…”

“Yes. You.”

A fond-sounding huff came from L’Arachel. “You are rather unique, aren’t you? I can see
why so many people find you endearing.”

Lute felt her lip curl. “People find me what?”

“You heard me.” L’Arachel’s fleeting smile crumpled before it had fully formed. “I understand
what you’re saying. Truly! And I am touched, but…” Her hands fisted the bottom of her dress.
“We are at war. If I spend all of my time on myself and my own selfish wants and needs…
well.” A rueful chuckle. “That makes me neither a princess or a warrior of justice. That
simply makes me a rather vile being. I mustn’t.”

“Don’t be absurd,” Lute snapped. “I’m not saying for you to ravish yourself in the most
luscious of skin lotions daily. All that I — that we — ask for is for you to take basic care of
yourself. Not for your sake, but for our army’s. Imagine if you were too exhausted to heal
correctly and made an injury worse.”

Finally, her words seemed to reach her. L’Arachel’s teeth worried her lip as Constance whined
and bumped her nose against her owner’s leg. The movement shuffled the skirt of her dress up
not even an inch, but it was enough to see the drying bloody cut underneath.

67

It didn’t appear fatal or even severe, but it certainly looked painful. Grunting to herself, Lute
gripped her staff and leaned forward. She ignored L’Arachel’s surprised squeak and her weak
protests as she held the staff’s head over the wound.

There returned that gentle flow of magic. Lute willed it onwards, urged it to pull back together
torn flesh, and kept her eyes open this time. The sheer intensity of the staff’s glow was almost
blinding, but through that azure blue glow, she watched L’Arachel wince and hiss. The area
around the skin itself was far too bright for any human’s gaze. Prodigy that she was, Lute sadly
had eyes just as ordinary as anyone else.

Eventually, it was done. When Lute pulled away her staff, all that remained was the dry patch
of blood that could easily be washed away. The cut itself was gone, just as it was with Constance.

There was silence. L’Arachel was studying the ground with great interest, her fingers skittling
over Constance’s leg.

“Why didn’t you heal it yourself?” Lute asked.
L’Arachel didn’t speak. Despite that, Lute already knew the answer.

“You were too exhausted, weren’t you?” Lute continued. “So depleted that you hadn’t
enough energy to heal your horse, much less yourself?”

“You needn’t—”

“Am I wrong?”

At that, L’Arachel let out a sigh so heavy that it could have shook the continent itself. “...No,”
she eventually confessed. “You are not.” Her fingers strayed over towards the parfina flower
closest to her. She took it from Lute’s lap and began to rub tiny circles into its petals. “I failed
to realise just how little energy I had left. I was riding Constance one second… and the
next, she was licking me awake after I’d fallen off. I’d injured both her and myself.” She
sighed. “And... yes. I had no energy to heal either of us.”

She winced as though Lute was pulling a stitch out of her skin and didn’t look at her.

“That settles it, then.” Lute gathered all of the flowers and stuffed them into her satchel. She
got onto her feet and held out a hand. “Immediately after this battle, we shall brew you a pot of
parfina tea and use the rest for medicine. You will rest. The commander would be aghast if she
knew what you were doing to yourself.”

“Lute…”

“I mean it.” She wiggled her hand. “Come, now. We haven’t all day. The battle appears to be
ending.”

68

It was an assumption initially made without evidence, but Lute allowed herself to raise her
head and take in the view. There didn’t seem to be any remaining monsters around. Several
members of their army were chatting to one another, weapons on their backs and steads being
patted or checked over. There remained the thrill of danger in the air, but there was also a quiet
kind of relief that came from having survived another day.

The new power of healing that Lute now wielded was simply another way to ensure the safety
of everyone that she was marching with. That all of them would survive, not just her. That had
been an invaluable lesson to learn. Even the smartest and most talented person (read: her) in
the world could not do everything alone.

Having companions was both advantageous and… pleasant.
“Thank you,” L’Arachel whispered. Her warm fingers grasped Lute’s own and pulled. She stood
only an inch or two taller than Lute herself, and Lute was not at all noticeable in height to begin
with. She’d never been this close to her before, nor had she even seen the soft, sincere smile
L’Arachel was now wearing. Despite the bags under her eyes and the sallowness of her skin, she
appeared more healthy and at ease than before. “I look forward to having tea together.”

“As do I.” Lute found herself smiling back. “But first, let us return to the others.”
Together, they walked back towards the rest of the army, the cloying sweet scent of
parfinas thick in the air.

69

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77

The Ever Straightening Line

She washes her hands again, and she imagines the sink eroding a little bit every time
she turns on the old, rusting tap. Her palms are clammy and raw from the rough and
scratchy cloth she dries them with, but she has no softer towel to use as a replacement.
She’s exhausted, and in her bleary haze her hands waver. She drops the cloth into the
sink, and she watches as the water left behind creeps into the threadbare fabric, staining
it a dark and muddy grey.

It’s hard work. It’s always been hard, bloody work. But never like this. Tatiana
remembers when she was just a girl in training, how the practice of divine medicine had
filled her with wonder and thankfulness. And it still does. It still does. But sometimes it
takes more than just a staff to close a wound, and the memory of blood was imprinted on
the palms of her hand, still slippery no matter how hard she scrubbed.

“Father, what do I do next?” she calls out over her shoulder, threaded needle in one
dainty hand. The old priest totters over and sits next to her, wrinkled face creased with smile lines
as he looks at her.

“Well, now you must use the thread to mend this hole.” He speaks softly as he deposits a
ripped pair of trousers on the table in front of them. The cloth smells like soap, but the memory of
a skinned knee lays threadbare before her. Though the wound on her body has closed, her pants did
not react nearly as well to the minustrations of the old priest’s healing magic.

She sticks her tongue out as she pokes a hole in the fabric with her needle. Pausing to
glance up towards her mentor for guidance, she continues her shaky work after receiving an
encouraging nod. Her stitches are clumsy and the spaces between them large enough to poke a
small finger through.

“Ah, a good first try, my child. However, I fear it will be uncomfortable if you wear it as it is
now... see how large the stitches are? The cold will get in the holes during the winter, and chill
your knees. Here, I’ll take the thread out and you can try again.”

Tatiana does not want to try again. She did it fine the first time. It wasn’t perfect, but the
hole was closed, wasn’t it? She does not argue as he pulls out her stitches, however. She makes a
grimacing face as he hands back the needle and fabric, and the Father laughs and touseles her hair.

Her stitches are smaller this time. Crooked, but relatively close together. Suitable for the
oncoming winter. She shows her handiwork to the priest, and he beams at her.

“This will do just fine.”
Tatiana closes the bathroom door slowly, with a low thud. Everyone else in the church
would be asleep at this hour, and it would be rude to bother them by making a racket.
She mentally curses for dawdling, sneaking lightly down the hall towards the back
rooms. The quarters reserved for guests and pilgrims, and on more
unfortunate occasions, for patients.

78

The man is where she left him; limp on the bed, with red cloth wrapped tightly
around his midsection. The sword that his insides were kind enough to let go of had been
chucked into the corner, along with most of his clothes. Tatiana’s own apron and shawl
were strewn across the ground as well, abandoned in her rush. Her healing staff, as
depleted as she was, leans against the wall near the bed, cold and heavy.

The girl is crying now, and Tatiana is frantic. The arrow is gone from her shoulder, but
the blood, oh, the blood remains. It pours from the wound and color’s the girl’s lovely dress a
garish, unnatural red. The child is in no danger, thanks to the cleric’s holy magic, but she is
still in pain. Her screaming says it all.

“I need-” Tatiana is cut off by another sob from the child. “I need to finish closing your
wound, okay? It will be alright, I promise.” The child does not speak back in words, only
more frantic, anguished sounds.

Bandages. Bandages and the needle. Tatiana’s pack is torn open by a slick, distracted hand.
Thread. Thread the needle with a shaking hand. The child twists on the ground, attempting to
grab or scratch at her wound. Drop the needle. Comfort the girl with whispers and prayers.
Everything will be alright if we stay calm.

Pick the needle back up. Pull the thread through the hole. Keep it out of the dirt. Tear away
the fabric from the wound; don’t waver now or you’ll both regret it. The girl is so skinny; her
zmalnourished body leaves no room for error.

Tatiana’s hands do not shake, and her voice does not waver. The line of stitches is not perfect,
but the bleeding has stopped. It will be a gnarled, scarred thing in due time, but better ugly than
infected. She’ll be fine. They’ll both be fine.

She begins to tidy up. Her work here is done, at least for now. The man is breathing,
and that’s good enough for the time being. She bumps an elbow on the nearby desk
as she bends down to collect her discarded scarf, hissing under her breath. She cradles
the sore spot and sinks into a crouch under the overhang of the wooden furniture, eyes
screwed shut. The feeling ebs away soon enough, but she cannot yet bring herself to
stand. Her heels protest as she leans back on them, surveying the small room from her
small shelter.

The place smells of blood and alcohol, an empty bottle of the latter lying sadly on it’s
side a mere few feet away. The best disinfectant she could find in these trying times. She
moves to sit on her knees now, and her tendons groan in relief. She’s been on her feet for
hours, and her muscles burn her from within. She grabs the bottle and fumbles it back
onto the desk above.

There is no-one around to reprimand her for crawling around on the floor like a child,
so that is exactly what she does. On her hands and knees, she straightens out the room,
or at least the parts she can reach in this state. Only when she hears a shifting of fabric
from the bed, does she stumble to her aching feet in surprise.

The woman clambers her way into the church, hunched and gasping. Her breath echoes through
the hall, over the drone of the rain on the windows, and Tatiana races to catch her as she falls.

She drags her to a pew, and by the time they’ve crossed the room, the woman is
unconscious. Tatiana lights a meager candle, and then notices the gash
on the woman’s arm.

79

It’s easy this time, for the lady stays asleep throughout the process. She does not even
wake as Tatiana pours burning antiseptic over the cut, nor when she threads and binds it. The
cleric sits next to her head when she’s finished, one eye on the church door, hoping someone else
will come home soon and help her move the poor woman to a bed to recover fully.

In the silence, she muses to herself about how easy she slipped into her roll just then.
There was no panicking (oh, perhaps a little. But no one was around to see it, therefore no one had
to know), no fumbling with the needle, and no unnecessary pain on the behalf of her patient. The
line of stitches, long and winding, was near perfect. Perhaps a little crooked here and there, but
with proper care, nobody would ever know there had been an injury there in the first place.

The sun begins to rise before anyone comes home, and in the dawn light, Tatiana can
see bruising across the woman’s skin. Bruising, deep and purple. It isn’t until an hour later,
when the woman opens one solitary, glowing eye, that Tatiana realizes she has perhaps made
a terrible mistake. She shrieks, and one of the town’s volunteer guardsmen hears her just in
time to burst through the doors.

The witch bears her teeth and braces herself against his dull blade, but she is off
balance and confused. The man slices through her heavily, and Tatiana watches as her
stitches, one by one, come undone. The body slumps to the floor and the man extends a hand to
her, asking her if she’s been harmed.

She is fine. Somehow, she is fine.
He isn’t awake. His hand has simply slid off the mattress, hanging limply at his side.
She grabs his heavy wrist and places it firmly atop the bed again, away from the edge.
She considers the red fabric across his chest and stomach, reaching out to touch it’s rough
edges.
It’s still wet. After all these hours, and after all of her hard work. It’s still wet.
She goes through the motions for the third time that night, unrolling white gauze to
replace the ruined red cloth. She balls up the garbage and throws it on top of the pile
of clothes in the corner. The walls and floors are stone here. The stains will wash away
easily.
She cleans the leaking blood from the wound again, tracing her fingers along her
efforts as she goes. The skin is bruising, but the stitches...
The line is clean. The stitches are small and close together. It will scar, but faintly; an
impressive feat for a wound this deep. She watches dots of red well up between the
thread, slower now than before. Yes, she thinks. He will be fine.

80

81

82

83

84

85









AvengE us.

This is your fault.

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .

AvengE us. You monster!

This is your fault.

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .

AvengE us. You monster!

This is your fault.

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .

You monster! AvengE us.This is your fault.
You could havE savEd us, Dimitri.

90

AvengE us.
It had taken time for the world to make sense again.
Most of the war had been a blur to Dimitri, too blinded by rage and bloodlust. A
thirst for revenge trumping everything else. He’s not proud of it. Of the monster he’d
This is your fault.been (the monster he still is -) especially since the return of any sanity had had to
come at the price of Rodrigue’s death.
Even then, he hadn’t been sure if his head was completely in the right state. There is
only so much of himself he can gather after all that’s happened. Only so many pieces of
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .himself he can glue back together before everything came to a head.
The final battle happens. People die. Most of his friends are beaten within an inch of
You monster!their lives. Edelgard turns into the monster he sees in his nightmares.

AvengE us.Then she is dead and there is sunlight.
One would think his delusions would die with her too. Shouldn’t they?
Everything had always lead up to Edelgard. Duscur, the war... she had acted as a
physical manifestation of all that has plagued Dimitri his whole life, all that has
haunted him, followed him like a curse.
This is your fault.But they don’t and through the haze that is the aftermath, Dimitri navigates through
life with static in his head and light that is always just beyond reach.
Only very rarely does his mind quiet. Only very rarely does the sun shine on him
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .before it vanishes once more. It is infuriating, draining.
It is torturE.
You monster!

AvengE us. Into the new world, Dimitri is at the helm with noise of the dead filling his ears and
bathed in darkness even on the sunniest days.

This is your fault.

He does not know if he should count himself lucky for the company. He isn’t alone.
The voices make him feel like he is (in an unusual, opposite way), but he isn’t.

Dedue is a near constant at his side, always ready to serve and protect. He is the

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .first person Dimitri sees in the morning, standing ready outside his door as soon as
he exits and the last person Dimitri sees before he goes to bed, bidding him a good
rest against the light of the moon. Dedue is only ever apart from him when he’s
off overseeing his personal duties to the people of Duscur. Dimitri was working
You monster! AvengE us.This is your fault.on foreign relations, sure, but there were some things Dedue insisted he needed to
You could havE savEd us, Dimitri.handle alone and Dimitri respected that. Of course he did.

91

92

AvengE us.JJuussttaasstthheevvooiicceessaannddnniigghhttmmaarreesslliinnggeerriinnhhiisshheeaadd,,ssooddootthheebbllooooddlluussttaannddtthhiirrssttffoorr
cchhaaooss..IItt’’sstthheeoonnllyywwaayyttooaappppeeaasseetthheemmssoommeettiimmeess,,tthheeoonnllyywwaayyDDiimmiittrriiccaannssiilleennccee
tthheemmiiffjjuussttffoorraammoommeenntt..TThheeccllaarriittyytthhoosseeiinnssttaanncceessooffffeerrggrraanntthhiimmiimmmmeeaassuurraabblleerreelliieeff..
NNooLLaammbbeerrttssccrreeaammiinnggiinnaaggoonnyy..NNooGGlleennnnccaalllliinngghhiissnnaammee..
This is your fault.IInnsshhoorrtt,,iitt’’ssnnootttthhaatthheewwaannttssttooddooiitt,,iitt’’sstthhaatthheehhaassttoo..
SSoohheeddooeess..HHeessttoorrmmssiinnttooaabbaattttllee,,llaanncceerraaiisseeddaannddccrroowwnnffoorrggootttteenn..TThheerreeaarreennoo
kkiinnggsshheerree,,oonnllyyssoollddiieerrssffiigghhttiinnggffoorrwwhhaatttthheeyybbeelliieevveeiinn..NNoossyymmppaatthhyy,,oonnllyybbllooooddaanndd
ssttaattiicc..OOnneemmiisssstteeppaannddyyoouuccoouullddbbeeggoonneeiinnaanniinnssttaanntt..
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .DDiimmiittrriiddooeessnn’’ttaallwwaayyssccoommeeoouuttuunnssccaatthheedd..
HHee ddooeessnn’’tt ccoommppllaaiinn aabboouutt iitt,, ppaaiinn iiss aa ggoooodd rreemmiinnddeerr tthhaatt DDiimmiittrrii ccaann ssttiillll
You monster!ffeeeelltthhiinnggssootthheerrtthhaannsseellff--llooaatthhiinnggaannddsseellff--ppiittyy..HHeeffiinnddsstthhaattnnootteevveerryyoonneeiiss
ppaarrttiiccuullaarrllyy pplleeaasseedd aabboouutt iitt tthhoouugghh..

AvengE us.““YYoouurreeaallllyyddoohhaavveettoossttooppeenntteerriinnggtthheebbaattttlleeffiieelldd,,DDiimmiittrrii,,””MMeerrcceeddeessbbeerraatteesshhiimmaass
sshheesseeaallssuupptthheeggaasshhoonnhhiissaarrmm,,““yyoouuddoonn’’ttnneeeeddttootthhrroowwyyoouurrsseellffoouutthheerreeaannyymmoorree,,
yyoouukknnooww??YYoouu’’rreeffaarrttooooiimmppoorrttaannttffoorrtthhaatt..””
DDiimmiittrriisshhaakkeesshhiisshheeaaddwweeaakkllyy,,lleettttiinngghheerrmmaaggiiccwwaasshhoovveerrhhiimm..OOnnllyyMMeerrcceeddeess
ccoouullddrreemmiinnddhhiimmooffhhiissrraannkkwwhhiilleeaaddddrreessssiinngghhiimmssooccaassuuaallllyy..““AAggooooddkkiinnggffiigghhttss
This is your fault.bbeessiiddeehhiissmmeenn,,””iisswwhhaatthheetteellllsshheerr..HHiissffaatthheerrhhaaddttoollddhhiimmtthhaattoonnccee..WWhheennhheewwaass
aalliivvee..IItt’’ssaaggooooddeexxccuusseettoohhiiddeebbeehhiinndd..
HHiissffaatthheerriissqquuiieettnnooww..FFoorrtthhaatthheeiisstthhaannkkffuull..
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .MMeerrcceeddeessssttaarreessaatthhiimm,,ggaazzeessccrruuttiinniizziinngg..““......IIccaann’’ttddiissaaggrreeeewwiitthhtthhaatt,,bbuuttII’’vveeaa
ffeeeelliinngg tthhaatt’’ss nnoott wwhhyy yyoouu ddoo iitt..””
SShheellooookksslliikkeehhiimmlliikkeesshheeaallrreeaaddyykknnoowwsswwhhiicchh,,ttoobbeeffaaiirr,,hhee’’ddaallwwaayyssssuussppeecctteeddsshhee
You monster!ddiidd..SShheeiisstthheeoonnllyyoonneepprriivvyyttoohhiissccrraazzeeddwwhhiissppeerrssaafftteerraappaarrttiiccuullaarrllyyaarrdduuoouussbbaattttllee,,
tthheeoonnllyyoonneewwhhoosseeeesstthheellooookkiinnhhiisseeyyeessuuppcclloosseeaafftteerraabbooddyybbeeccoommeessaaccoorrppsseebbeeffoorree

AvengE us.hhiimm..OOnneesswwiinnggooffAArreeaaddbbhhaarriissaalllliittttaakkeesstthheesseeddaayyss..
““......TThheerree aarree vvooiicceess,,”” hhee rraassppss qquuiieettllyy,, ccoonncceeddiinngg ttoo tthhee ttrruutthh.. HHee lliikkeellyy ccoouullddnn’’tt
hhiiddee iitt aannyy lloonnggeerr.. NNoott ffrroomm hheerr..
MMeerrcceeddeessttaakkeesshhoollddooffhhiisshhaanndd,,ggaazzeeeennccoouurraaggiinngg.. ““WWhhoosseevvooiicceess??””
This is your fault.DDiimmiittrriiaavvooiiddsshheerreeyyeess..““TThheeddeeaadd..””
HHee’’ssnnoottssuurreeiiffsshheesshhoouullddbbeetthhaannkkffuullffoorrtthheessiilleenncceetthhaattffoolllloowwss..MMeerrcceeddeesswwaassnn’’tt
kknnoowwnnttoobbeeaajjuuddggmmeennttaallwwoommaann,,bbuuttwwhhaattwwoouullddssttoopphheerrffrroommssttaarrttiinnggnnooww??DDiimmiittrrii’’ss
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .mmiinnddiisswwrreecckkeeddbbeeyyoonnddrreeppaaiirr,,ttoowwiisshhffoorraannyyoonneettoolliisstteennwwaassaaffooooll’’sseerrrraa--
““WWhhaattddootthheeyyssaayy??””MMeerrcceeddeess’’wwoorrddsssslliicceelliikkeeaakknniiffeetthhrroouugghhhhiisstthhoouugghhttss..
DDiimmiittrriibblliinnkkss..
You monster! AvengE us.This is your fault.““YYoouunneeeeddnn’’tteenntteerrttaaiinnmm--““
You could havE savEd us, Dimitri.““WWhhaattddootthheeyyssaayy,,DDiimmiittrrii??””

93

AvengE us.DDiimmiittrrii ssttiillllss uunnddeerr tthhee iinntteennssiittyy ooff hheerr ssttaarree..

“Av“eAn““vAgAeEvvneegunnE“sgAg.”EuEvseuu.”n“sAsg.”.”vEeunsg.”E us.”

This is your fault.““TT““hhTTiihsshiiisss“iyyiTssoohyyuuioos“rruuTiffsrraahuuyffiasaolluttuui..””lslrtt.y”.”foauulrt.f”ault.”

““YY““oYoYuuooucuco“occuYuoolouldudulldh“dhcYahoahovvuaaEuEvlvdEcsEsaohasvsuvaaaElEvvvddEEdEhdudsuasausvu,v,sEDsED,,dsDiDimamuivimimsEitt,ridriiDtti.”r.ru”iii.ms”.”, iDtriim.” itri.” us, Dimitri.

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d“Yo“uY““omYYuooumun“smomtYneooorsun-nt““essmYrtte-eoo“rru-n-““smteorn-“ster-“

HHee ssuucckkss iinn aa rraaww bbrreeaatthh.. You monster!
““HHoorrrriibbllee tthhiinnggss..””

AvengE us.SSaaddtthhiinnggssssoommeettiimmeess..MMeemmoorriieesstthhaattmmoocckkhhiimmssoo,,aalllloowwiinnggtthheesspplliittsseeccoonnddooff
nnoossttaallggiiaa bbeeffoorree tteelllliinngg hhiimm hhee iiss ssccuumm aanndd tthhaatt hhee hhaassnn’’tt ddoonnee eennoouugghh,, tthhaatt hhee lliikkeellyy nneevveerr
wwoouulldd.. TThheeyy aarree aass ccrruueell aass tthheeyy aarree lloouudd.. TThheeyy aarree aass uunnffoorrggiivviinngg aass tthheeyy aarree ddeeaadd..

““II sseeee,,”” MMeerrcceeddeess rreessppoonnddss,, vvooiiccee ssoofftt aanndd ccoonntteemmppllaattiivvee.. HHeerr ggrriipp oonn hhiiss hhaanndd

This is your fault.lloooosseennss..

SShhee’’ss oonnllyy eenntteerrttaaiinniinngg hhiiss ddeelluussiioonnss,, DDiimmiittrrii tthhiinnkkss rruueeffuullllyy aass tthhee llaasstt ooff hheerr mmaaggiicc
sseeaallss tthhee wwoouunnddss oonn hhiiss sskkiinn.. MMeerrcceeddeess iiss ttoooo kkiinndd ttoo tteellll hhiimm hhee’’ss aa lluunnaattii--

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .““DDooyyoouuaannsswweerrtthheemm??””

““II-- wwhhaatt??””

You monster!““II aassssuummee yyoouu aannsswweerr tthheemm,,”” sshhee ssaayyss wwiitthh aa ssaadd ssmmiillee aass sshhee mmeeeettss hhiiss eeyyee,, ““yyoouu

wweerree nneevveerr oonnee ttoo lleett aa ccoonnvveerrssaattiioonn jjuusstt ssppuutttteerr oouutt aafftteerr aallll..””

AvengE us.““II......”” DDiimmiittrrii llooookkss ddoowwnn aatt hhiiss hhaannddss ((hhiiss bbllooooddiieedd hhaannddss)),, ““II ddoo..””

EEvveenn iiff aallll tthhaatt ffiillllss hhiiss eeaarrss aarree ssnneeeerrss.. NNeevveerr,, tthheeyy nneevveerr hhaavvee aannyytthhiinngg nniiccee ttoo ssaayy..

This is your fault.““TThheennmmaayybbeetthhaatt’’sswwhhyytthheeyyaallwwaayyssaannsswweerr..””

DDiimmiittrrii rraaiisseess hhiiss hheeaadd,, ppuuzzzzlleemmeenntt vviissiibbllee iinn hhiiss eeyyee.. ““WWhhaatt??””

““AA ccoonnvveerrssaattiioonn iiss aa ttwwoo--wwaayy iinntteerraaccttiioonn aafftteerr aallll,, ddoonn’’tt yyoouu aaggrreeee??”” MMeerrcceeddeess
ffiinnaallllyy rreemmoovveess hheerr hhaannddss ffrroomm hhiimm.. ““TThheeyy ttaallkk,, yyoouu aannsswweerr.. TThheeyy’’rree ggooiinngg ttoo ttaallkk

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .aaggaaiinn,, aanndd yyoouu’’rree ggooiinngg ttoo aannsswweerr aaggaaiinn..””

““WWhhaatt aarree yyoouu ggeettttiinngg aatt,, MMeerrcceeddeess??””
SShhee ssiigghhss,, ssoommeehhooww mmaannaaggiinngg ttoo llooookk mmuucchh oollddeerr tthhaann sshhee aaccttuuaallllyy wwaass.. ““WWee aarreenn’’tt

YouYmoouncsoteurl!dAhvaevnEgsEavuEs.dThuiss, iDs iymouitrrif.ault.bblliinndd ttoo yyoouurr ppaaiinn,, DDiimmiittrrii.. NNoonnee ooff uuss aarree ssttrraannggeerrss ttoo lloossss..””

94

AvengE us.
HHee nnooddss.. IInn hhiiss hheeaadd,, hhee rreemmeemmbbeerrss tthhee eexxaacctt mmoommeenntt JJeerriittzzaa ffeelll dduurriinngg tthhee ffiinnaall bbaatttllee,,
rrreeemmmeeemmmbbbeeerrrsssMMMeeerrrccceeedddeeesss’’’qqquuuiieieetttsssooobbbsssaaannndddtththheeebbbllolooooodddtththhaaatttsssoooaaakkkeeedddhhheeerrrdddrrreeessssss...HHHeeerrreeecccaaallllslssGGGlleleennnnnnaaannnddd
hhhiisiss f fafaatththheeerrr’’s’ss b bbrrroookkkeeennn,, , m mmaaannnggglleleeddd b bbooodddiieieesss s ssttrtrreeewwwnnn a aacccrrrooossssss D DDuuussscccuuurr,r, , R RRooodddrrriigigguuueee’’s’ss f fifininnaaall l w wwooorrrdddsss---
This is your fault. “““BBBuuutt t w wweee c ccaaannn’’t’t t l leleett t o oouuurrr d ddeeessspppaaaiirirr l loloorrrddd o oovvveeerrr u uusss f fofoorrreeevvveeerr,r,”,”” s sshhheee c ccooonnnttitininnuuueeesss,, , a aa n nnooottetee o ooff f f fifininnaaallilititytyy i ininn
hhheeerrrttotoonnneee...
“““II I c ccaaannnnnnooott-t- - I I I c ccaaannnnnnooott t j ujjuussstt t f fofoorrrgggeeett t t ththheeemmm,, , M MMeeerrrccceeedddeeesss..”.”” H HHiisiss g ggrrriipipp o oonnn t ththheee b bbeeeddd b bbeeelloloowww h hhiimimm t titigigghhhtteteennnsss
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .aaannnddd t ththheee w wwooooooddd s sspppllilininntteteerrrsss w wwiitiththh a aannn a aauuudddiibibbllelee s ssooouuunnnddd,, , y yyeeett t M MMeeerrrccceeedddeeesss d ddoooeeesss n nnooott t l loloooookkk f fafaazzzeeeddd...
“““AAAnnnddd n nnooo o oonnneee i isiss a aassskkkiininnggg y yyooouuu t totoo,, , y yyooouuurrr h hhiigigghhhnnneeessssss..”.”” S SShhheee i ininnccchhheeesss c cclloloossseeerr,r, , k kknnneeeeeellilininnggg b bbeeeffofoorrreee h hhiimimm
aaannnddd t tataakkkiininnggg h hhiisiss h hhaaannndddsss i ininn h hheeerrrsss.. . “ ““WWWeee’’r’rreee s ssiimimmpppllylyy a aassskkkiininnggg t ththhaaatt t y yyooouuu s ssttotooppp l lilisisstteteennniininnggg t totoo t ththheeemmm,, , s ssttotooppp
lleleettttitininnggg t ththheeemmm h hhaaavvveee s ssooo m mmuuuccchhh c ccooonnnttrtrroooll l o oovvveeerrr y yyooouuu.. .Y YYooouuu c ccaaannn h hhooonnnooorrr t ththheee d ddeeeaaaddd w wwiitiththhooouuutt t h hhaaavvviininnggg
tththheeemmm d ddiiciccttataattetee y yyooouuurrr e eevvveeerrryyy a aacccttitioioonnn.. .Y YYooouuu c ccaaannn a aaffffofoorrrddd t totoo d ddooo t ththhaaatt,t, , D DDiimimmiititrtrrii,i,”,”” s sshhheee l loloooookkksss u uuppp t totoo m mmeeeeeett t
You monster!hhhiisiss g ggaaazzzeee,, , “ ““yyyooouuu c ccaaannn a aaffffofoorrrddd t totoo l lilivivveee y yyooouuurrr o oowwwnnn p ppaaatththh..”.””

AvengE us. “““AAAnnnddd h hhooowww e eexxxaaacccttltlylyy d ddooo I II d ddooo t ththhaaatt?t??”””

“““PPPeeerrrhhhaaapppsssttitimimmeeessspppeeennntttttataallklkkiininngggttotootththheeemmmwwwooouuulldlddbbbeeebbbeeetttteteerrrssspppeeennntttooonnnttataallklkkiininngggttotoouuusss..”.””
AAAnnndddiitittmmmaaakkkeeesssssseeennnssseee...IItIttmmmaaakkkeeessspppeeerrrffefeeccctt,t,,lloloogggiiciccaaalllssseeennnssseeettotoocccooonnnvvveeerrrssseeewwwiitiththhoootththheeerrrsss,,,wwwiitiththhmmmooorrreee

This is your fault.ppplleleeaaasssaaannntt tc ccooommmpppaaannnyyy t ththhaaannn t ththheee v vvoooiicicceeesss t ththhaaatt th hhaaauuunnntt th hhiimimm s ssooo. ..I ItIt tm mmaaakkkeeesss p ppeeerrrffefeeccctt ts sseeennnssseee t totoo t tataallklkk t totoo p ppeeeooopppllelee

tththhaaatt ta aarrreee a aacccttutuuaaallllylyy a aallilivivveee r rraaatththheeerrr t ththhaaannn t ththhooossseee s sslleleeeeepppiininnggg i ininn g ggrrraaavvveeesss. ..T TTooo l leleett tg ggooo, ,,e eevvveeennn j ujjuussstt ta aa l lilititttltlelee...
SSSooo D DDiimimmiitittrrrii i n nnooodddsss,, , k kkeeeeeepppsss n nnoooddddddiininnggg d ddeeessspppiititteee b bbeeeiininnggg u uunnnsssuuurrreee a aannnddd h hhooopppeeesss t tthhhaaattt iitt iiss eennoouugghh

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .aassssuurraanncceeffoorrMMeerrcceeddeessffoorrnnooww..

You monster!
AvengE us. TThhee pprroobblleemm iiss DDiimmiittrrii ddooeessnn’’tt kknnooww iiff hhee wwaannttssttoolleettggoo..

HHiiss mmiinndd wwaannddeerrss aass hhee ttoouurrss BByylleetthh aarroouunndd tthhee ppaallaaccee,, nneewwllyy rreennoovvaatteedd aanndd ffiinniisshheedd
jujusstt iinn ttiimmee ffoorr hhiiss ffoorrmmeerr pprrooffeessssoorr’’ss vviissiitt.. SShhee iiss qquuiieett aass hhee pprraatttlleess oonn,, tthheeiirr ffoooottsstteeppss
bbeeiinngg tthhee oonnllyy ssoouunndd eecchhooiinngg iinn tthhee eemmppttyy hhaalllss.. DDeedduuee iiss aawwaayy.. IInnggrriidd iiss ttrraaiinniinngg.. FFeelliixx
aanndd SSyyllvvaaiinn hhaavvee rreettuurrnneedd ttoo tthheeiirr tteerrrriittoorriieess.. HHee hhaass bbeeccoommee hhyyppeerr aawwaarree ooff aalll ooff tthhiiss

This is your fault.ssiinnccee hhiiss ttaallkk wwiitthh MMeerrcceeddeess.. A Appppaarreennttllyy,, aa wweeeekk ppaasssseess bbyy lliikkee aa bblluurr wwhheenn yyoouu’’rree bbuussyy

mmuullliinngg.. TTaallkk,, sshhee hhaadd ssaaiidd.. WWhhoo bbeettteerr ttoo ttaallkk ttoo tthhaann tthheemm aafftteerr aalll??

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i . ““YYoouu’’rree ddiissttrraacctteedd..””
DDiimmiittrrii ssttooppss iinn hhiiss ttrraacckkss.. BByylleetthh iiss ttuurrnneedd ttoowwaarrddss hhiimm nnooww,, llooookkiinngg aatt hhiimm wwiitthh
wwiiddee,, ppiieerrcciinngg eeyyeess.. TThhee lliigghhtt ffrroomm aa nneeaarrbbyy wwiinnddooww ssppoottlliigghhttss tthhee sstteerrnn eexxpprreessssiioonn oonn
hheerr ffaaccee,, eevveerr--pprreesseenntt,, eevveerr--wweeaakkeenniinngg..
You monster! AvengE us.This is your fault.
HHee ssiigghhss,, hhooww rruuddee ooff hhiimm.. ““MMyy aappoollooggiieess,, pprroo-- BByylleetthh,,”” hhee aammeennddss,, ““mmyy mmiinndd hhaass
You could havE savEd us, Dimitri.bbeeeennpprreeooccccuuppiieeddaassooffllaattee..””

95

AvengE us.

SShhee hhuummss tthhoouugghhttffuullllyy.. ““WWaanntt ttoo ttaallkk aabboouutt iitt??””

This is your fault.HHeeooppeennsshhiissmmoouutthhoonnllyyttoosshhuuttiittaaggaaiinn..

TThhee aauuttoommaattiicc ““nnoo,, tthhaannkk yyoouu”” hhaadd ddiieedd oonn hhiiss ttoonngguuee.. TTaallkk.. BByylleetthh wwaannttss ttoo ttaallkk..

Yo u c o u l d““DDiimmiittrrii??”” h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .
SShhee wwaannttss ttoo ttaallkk.. HHee ccaann ddoo tthhaatt,, ccaann’’tt hhee?? GGlleennnn iiss tteelllliinngg hhiimm nnoott ttoo.. SShhee wwoouullddnn’’tt
uunnddeerrssttaanndd,, nnoo oonnee eevveerr ddooeess.. HHiiss ffaatthheerr tteellllss hhiimm nnoott ttoo bbootthheerr.. MMuusstt hhee rreeaallllyy bbrriinngg
aannootthheerr ppeerrssoonn ddoowwnn iinnttoo hhiiss hheellll--
You monster!““DDiimmiittrrii..””

AvengE us.HHee bblliinnkkss aatt tthhee ssuuddddeenn wwaarrmmtthh iinn hhiiss ppaallmmss.. WWhheenn hhaadd hheerr hhaannddss ccllaassppeedd hhiiss??

““YYoouu’’rree sshhaakkiinngg,,”” BByylleetthh oobbsseerrvveess,, aa nnoottee ooff ccoonncceerrnn iinn hheerr vvooiiccee.. ““LLeett’’ss ssiitt..””
IItt sseeeemmss ttoo bbee aann oorrddeerr bbeeccaauussee tthhee nneexxtt tthhiinngg hhee kknnoowwss,, BByylleetthh iiss lleeaaddiinngg hhiimm ttoo aa

This is your fault.nneeaarrbbyy wwaallll,, hhaannddss ddrraaggggiinngg hhiimm ddoowwnn ttoo ssiitt bbeessiiddee hheerr oonn tthhee ccaarrppeetteedd fflloooorr..

HHee ccoolloorrss,, eeyyee ssccaannnniinngg tthhee rreesstt ooff tthhee hhaallll.. ““BByylleetthh,, tthhiiss iiss hhaarrddllyy tthhee ppllaacc--““

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .““IItt’’ssyyoouurrppaallaaccee,,iissnn’’ttiitt??””

......AAnndd sshhee iissnn’’tt wwrroonngg tthheerree.. IItt iiss hhiiss ppaallaaccee.. HHiiss kkiinnggddoomm.. HHiiss ccoouunnttrryy-- GGooddddeessss,, hhiiss
ddaammnneedd ccoouunnttrryy,, hhiiss tthhrroonnee,, hhiiss bblloooodd ssooaakkeedd ccrroowwnn--

You monster!““SSttaayy wwiitthh mmee,, DDiimmiittrrii..”” BByylleetthh’’ss hhaannddss aarree tthhee wweeiigghhtt tthhaatt bbrriinnggss hhiimm bbaacckk ttoo rreeaalliittyy..
AvengE us.HHeehhaannggsshhiisshheeaadd..““II’’mmssoorrrryy..””

““TTeellll mmee wwhhaatt’’ss bbootthheerriinngg yyoouu..””
TTaallkk,, MMeerrcceeddeess hhaadd ssaaiidd ttoo ttaallkk.. HHee ccoouulldd ddoo tthhaatt.. HHee ccoouulldd ttaallkk ttoo ssoommeeoonnee wwhhoo
wwaassnn’’tt ddeeaadd.. TThheerree aarree vvooiicceess,, hhee wwiillll rraasspp.. TThheeyy ddoo nnoott lleeaavvee hhiimm aalloonnee,, hhee wwiillll ccoonnffeessss..

This is your fault.TThheeyy ssaayy tthhee mmoosstt tteerrrriibbllee tthhiinnggss,, hhee wwiillll ssoobb.. BBuutt hhee ddeesseerrvveess iitt.. HHee ddeesseerrvveess iitt aallll..AA

mmoonnsstteerr,, aa bbooaarr,, FFeelliixx hhaadd ccaalllleedd hhiimm.. HHee wwaass rriigghhtt,, hhee wwaass rriigghhtt--

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .HHeetteellllsshheerreevveerryytthhiinnggrriigghhtttthheennaannddtthheerree,,bbeettwweeeennhheeaavvyybbrreeaatthhssaannddvviioolleennttsshhaakkiinngg..
IIff aa ppaallaaccee gguuaarrdd wwaallkkss bbyy ttoo sseeee tthhee kkiinngg ooff FFóóddllaann aanndd iittss aarrcchhbbiisshhoopp hhuuddddlleedd ttooggeetthheerr
iinn tthhee mmiiddddllee ooff tthhee ppaallaaccee hhaallllss iinn bbrrooaadd ddaayylliigghhtt tthheenn tthheeyy aarree sswwoorrnn ttoo sseeccrreeccyy..
You monster! AvengE us.This is your fault.
You could havE savEd us, Dimitri.

96

AvengE us.
TTaallkkiinngg ttoo BByylleetthh hhaadd nneevveerr bbeeeenn ppaarrtt ooff tthhee ppllaann,, bbuutt iitt hhaadd hheellppeedd iimmmmeennsseellyy..
HHee iiss pprriivvyy ttoo tthhrreeee nniigghhttss ooff aa ddrreeaammlleessss sslleeeepp ffoorr tthhee ffiirrsstt ttiimmee iinn mmoonntthhss.. NNoo mmoorrbbiidd
This is your fault.mmeemmoorriieessoorrttwwiisstteeddrreetteelllliinnggssooffppaasstteevveennttss..HHeewwaakkeesswwiitthheenneerrggyy,,wwiitthhhhooppee..
IInn ssiilleennccee..
HHee ffiinnddss tthhaatt eevveenn wwhheenn CCoorrnneelliiaa wwhhiissppeerrss iinn hhiiss eeaarr aabboouutt hhiimm ddeesseerrvviinngg ttoo rroott iinn aa
hhoollee tthhrreeee ddaayyss llaatteerr,, hhiiss ssppiirriittss rreemmaaiinn hhiigghh aanndd tthhee ggrriinn hhee ggiivveess eevveerryyoonnee iiss ssttiillll jjuusstt aa
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .ttaaddbbiittmmoorreeggeennuuiinneetthhaanniitthhaaddbbeeeennsseevveerraallddaayyssbbeeffoorree..
““YYoouu sseeeemm…… cchhiippppeerr,,”” FFeelliixx ppooiinnttss oouutt aafftteerr aa mmeeeettiinngg oonnccee,, eeyyeess nnaarrrroowweedd iinn
ssuussppiicciioonn aanndd tthhiinnllyy vveeiilleedd ccuurriioossiittyy..
You monster!DDiimmiittrriihhuummss..““II’’vveejjuussttbbeeeenneennjjooyyiinnggtthheeqquuiieett,,””hheerreessppoonnddssaannddssoommeetthhiinnggaabboouutt

AvengE us.tthheevvaagguueenneessssooffhhiissaannsswweerrsseeeemmssttoobbeejjuusstteennoouugghhffoorrFFeelliixxttoonnooddaannddlleeaavveeiittaalloonnee..
BBuutt hhee ccaann oonnllyy ggoo uunnddiissttuurrbbeedd ffoorr ssoo lloonngg..
This is your fault.MMeeeettiinnggssggoobbaacckkttoobbeeiinnggddeebbaatteesswwiitthhddeeaadd,,nniigghhttssttoorrttuurree,,mmeeaallsslleeffttuunneeaatteenn..
HHee’’ss bbaacckk,, hhee’’dd hheeaarrdd SSyyllvvaaiinn wwhhiissppeerr ttoo DDeedduuee ssoolleemmnnllyy aanndd DDeedduuee hhaadd nnooddddeedd
aass iiff iitt ppaaiinneedd hhiimm.. DDiimmiittrrii hhaatteess iitt.. HHaatteess tthhaatt hhee hhaass ttoo ddiissaappppooiinntt eevveerryyoonnee
aarroouunndd hhiimm bbyy bbeeiinngg tthhiiss..
TTaallkk,, hhee nneeeeddss ttoo ttaallkk.. IItt hhaadd hheellppeedd bbeeffoorree aanndd iitt mmoosstt cceerrttaaiinnllyy ccoouulldd ccoonnttiinnuuee ttoo ddoo
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .ssoo..IIffhheeoonnllyyhhaaddtthheeccoouurraaggeettooccoonnttiinnuuee..
IItt’’ss nnoott uunnttiill ddaayyss llaatteerr,, wwhheenn hhee nneeaarrllyy ssttaabbss FFeelliixx wwiitthh hhiiss ffoorrkk aafftteerr aa ppaarrttiiccuullaarrllyy
You monster!cchhaarrggeedd mmeeaall wwhheerree hhee fflliicckkeerreedd ffrroomm bbeeiinngg hhiimm ttoo RRooddrriigguuee tthhaatt DDiimmiittrrii ddeecciiddeess hhee
ccaannnnoott ppuutt iitt ooffff ffoorr aannyy lloonnggeerr..

AvengE us.““DDeedduuee,,ddoo……yyoouummiinnddssttaayyiinnggffoorraabbiitt??””
DDeedduuee ppaauusseess ffrroomm wwhheerree hhee iiss bbyy tthhee ddoooorr ttoo DDiimmiittrrii’’ss bbeeddcchhaammbbeerrss llooookkiinngg nneeuuttrraall..
DDiimmiittrrii sseeeess tthhee uunncceerrttaaiinnttyy bbeehhiinndd iitt.. HHee’’dd nneeaarrllyy tthhrroowwnn ccuuttlleerryy aatt FFeelliixx eeaarrlliieerr aafftteerr aallll..
NNeeaarrllyy bblliinnddeedd hhiimm tthhee ssaammee wwaayy DDiimmiittrrii’’ss bbeeeenn bblliinnddeedd..
This is your fault. ““OOff ccoouurrssee,, yyoouurr mmaajjeessttyy,,”” tthhee mmaann ffiinnaallllyy ssaayyss..
DDiimmiittrrii ggeessttuurreess aatt tthhee ssttooooll bbyy hhiiss bbeedd aanndd DDeedduuee ttaakkeess hhiiss sseeaatt ssiilleennttllyy,, wwaaiittiinngg..
DDiimmiittrrii rruunnss aa hhaarrrriieedd hhaanndd tthhrroouugghh hhiiss hhaaiirr aanndd ttrriieess ttoo tthhiinnkk ooff tthhee bbeesstt wwaayy ttoo ssttaarrtt
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .tthhiiss..IIfftthheerreeeevveerrwwaassoonnee..
““II ttaallkkeedd wwiitthh BByylleetthh rreecceennttllyy..AAnndd MMeerrcceeddeess..””
You monster!DDeedduueennooddss..““IIaammaawwaarree..”” AvengE us.This is your fault.
DDiimmiittrrii ttaakkeess aa ddeeeepp bbrreeaatthh.. ““TThheeyy hheellppeedd mmee wwiitthh aa pprroobblleemm..””
You could havE savEd us, Dimitri.““TThheevvooiicceess,,IIaassssuummee,,yyoouurrmmaajjeessttyy??””

97

AvengE us.
DDiimmiittrrii ddiirreeccttss aa ssuurrpprriisseedd eeyyee aatt DDeedduuee’’ss ccoouunntteennaannccee,, bbuutt tthhee sshhoocckk ddiissssiippaatteess
aass ffaasstt aass iitt hhaadd ffiilllleedd hhiimm..

““YYoouu kknneeww..”” This is your fault.

““II ddiidd..””

HHee ssuuppppoosseess hhee sshhoouullddnn’’tt bbee ssuurrpprriisseedd bbyy tthhiiss.. DDeedduuee hhaass bbeeeenn wwiitthh hhiimm tthhrroouugghh iitt aallll..

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .SSeeeennssiiddeessooffhhiimmeevveennhhiisscchhiillddhhooooddffrriieennddsshhaavveenneevveerrbbeeeennpprriivvyyttoo..DDeedduueekknnoowwsshhiimm..
SSoommeettiimmeess mmoorree tthhaann DDiimmiittrrii kknneeww hhiimmsseellff..

HHee ssiigghhss,, bbootthh bbiitttteerr aanndd sseellff--ppiittyyiinngg.. ““YYoouu nneevveerr ssaaiidd aannyytthhiinngg..””

You monster!DDeedduuee nnooddss.. ““IItt aallwwaayyss sseeeemmeedd aass iiff tthhee vvooiicceess hhaadd ssaaiidd eennoouugghh.. II ddiiddnn’’tt wwaanntt

ttoo rriisskk iitt,,”” hhee ssaayyss,, ssoouunnddiinngg rreeggrreettffuull,, bbuutt ffiirrmm aatt tthhee ssaammee ttiimmee,, ““II ddiiddnn’’tt wwaanntt ttoo

AvengE us.aadddd ttoo yyoouurr ttuurrmmooiill,, yyoouurr mmaajjeessttyy--””

““DDiimmiittrrii,,”” tthhee bblloonndd ssaayyss,, ““ccaallll mmee DDiimmiittrrii,, DDeedduuee..””
““DDiimmiittrrii,,”” DDeedduuee ccaarrrriieess oonn,, uunnffaazzeedd,, ““II ddiiddnn’’tt wwaanntt ttoo rriisskk mmyy aaddddiinngg ttoo tthhee

This is your fault.vvooiicceess tthhaatt aallrreeaaddyy ppllaagguuee yyoouu..””

““YYoouu’’rree nnoott ddeeaadd,,”” DDiimmiittrrii ppooiinnttss oouutt..

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .““IIccoouullddddiieeaannyyddaayynnooww..””

DDiimmiittrrii ffeeeellss hhiiss mmuusscclleess sseeiizzee.. NNoo.. ““II wwoonn’’tt lleett tthhaatt hhaappppeenn--””

You monster!““IIwwoouullddnn’’ttbbllaammeeyyoouu..””DDeedduuee’’ssvvooiicceeccuuttsslliikkeeaakknniiffee..
AvengE us.““WWhhaatt??””

““II ssaaiidd II wwoouullddnn’’tt bbllaammee yyoouu,,”” DDeedduuee llooookkss hhiimm iinn tthhee eeyyee aass hhee ssppeeaakkss,, ““II wwoouullddnn’’tt
bbllaammee yyoouu ffoorr aannyytthhiinngg sshhoouulldd mmyy ddeeaatthh ccoommee..YYoouu hhaavvee bbeeeenn nnootthhiinngg bbuutt ggoooodd ttoo mmee,,
DDiimmiittrrii.. SShhoouulldd II ffaallll,, kknnooww tthhaatt II wwiillll hhaavvee ffaalllleenn wwiitthhoouutt aannyy rreeggrreettss oorr ssppiittee..””

This is your fault.IIwwoonn’’tthhaauunnttyyoouu,,iisswwhhaattDDeedduueeiissssaayyiinngg..

DDiimmiittrrii ffeeeellss tthhee pprriicckkllee ooff tteeaarrss ffoorrmmiinngg iinn hhiiss eeyyee..

““......TThhaannkk yyoouu,,”” hhee ggeettss oouutt,, cchhookkiinngg sslliigghhttllyy bbeeccaauussee hhooww ccoouulldd hhee nnoott?? IInn tthhee ffaaccee ooff aa

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .ccoonnffeessssiioonnssoossiinncceerreeaanndd,,kknnoowwiinnggDDeedduuee,,uullttiimmaatteellyyttrruuee..

LLeettttiinngg oonnllyy aa sseeccoonndd ooff iinnddeecciissiioonn sseettttllee bbeettwweeeenn tthheemm,, DDeedduuee mmoovveess cclloosseerr aanndd
eennvveellooppeess hhiimm iinnttoo aa hhuugg,, ccoommffoorrttiinngg aanndd ggrroouunnddiinngg,, aanndd,, ssuurree,, tthheeyy ddoonn’’tt ssppeeaakk mmuucchh
tthheenn,, aabboouutt tthhee vvooiicceess,, tthhee gghhoossttss,, bbuutt ssoommeehhooww iitt’’ss eennoouugghh..

Lambert’s voice quiets.

98

AvengE us.

TThhee ccoonnvveerrssaattiioonn lleeaavveess DDiimmiittrrii rreeeelliinngg ffoorr tthhee nneexxtt ffeeww ddaayyss aanndd jjuusstt lliikkee hhooww hhee’’dd
bbeeeenn aafftteerr hhiiss ttaallkk wwiitthh BByylleetthh,, hhee bbootthh ffeeaarrss ffoorr aanndd llooookkss ffoorrwwaarrdd ttoo tthhee nneexxtt ccoonnvveerrssaattiioonn..

HHee kknnoowwss hhee hhaass ttoo hhaavvee iitt ssoooonn,, nnoott wwaannttiinngg ttoo eexxppeerriieennccee tthhee ssaammee ffaallll ffrroomm hhiiss hhiigghh
lliikkee tthhee pprreevviioouuss ttiimmee.. HHee’’ss nnoott ssuurree iiff hhee ccaann ttaakkee iitt.. TThhee ffaallssee sseennssee ooff sseeccuurriittyy bbeeffoorree tthhee

Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .ppeeaacceesshhaatttteerrssoonncceemmoorree..

HHee ttaakkeess aa ccaallmmiinngg bbrreeaatthh bbeeffoorree eenntteerriinngg oonnee ooff tthhee pprriivvaattee ccoouurrttyyaarrddss ooff tthhee ppaallaaccee..

You monster! FFeelliixx aanndd IInnggrriidd ttuurrnn ttoo hhiimm aass ssoooonn aass hhiiss bboooottss hhiitt tthhee fflloooorr..

SSppeeaakkiinngg ttoo bbootthh ooff tthheemm aatt tthhee ssaammee ttiimmee sseeeemmss lliikkee aa ssttuuppiidd tthhiinngg ttoo ddoo,, DDiimmiittrrii
kknnoowwss,, bbuutt hhee’’ss nnoott eexxaaccttllyy cceerrttaaiinn oonn hhooww aa ccoonnvveerrssaattiioonn wwiitthh FFeelliixx aabboouutt tthhiiss wwiillll ggoo
ddoowwnn wwiitthhoouutt aa pprreesseennccee lliikkee IInnggrriidd..

““WWhhaatt ddoo yyoouu wwaanntt,, bbooaarr??”” FFeelliixx bbaarrkkss oouutt wwhheenn hhee iiss nneeaarr eennoouugghh..

This is your fault.IInnggrriiddssccoowwllss..““FFeelliixx--””

DDiimmiittrrii rraaiisseess aa hhaanndd.. ““IItt’’ss ffiinnee.. II ddoonn’’tt mmiinndd,,”” hhee ggiivveess tthheemm aa qquueessttiioonniinngg ggaazzee,, ““ddoo
yyoouu mmiinndd iiff wwee ttaallkk??””

FFeelliixx rraaiisseess aann eeyyeebbrrooww.. ““AAbboouutt??””
““II’’vvee aa ffeeeelliinngg yyoouu aallrreeaaddyy kknnooww..””
HHee ddooeess nnoott mmiissss iitt tthheenn,, tthhee llooookk IInnggrriidd aanndd FFeelliixx sshhaarree..

AvengE us.DDeedduuee hhaadd kknnoowwnn,, MMeerrcceeddeess hhaadd kknnoowwnn,, iitt hhaadd oonnllyy sseeeemmeedd llooggiiccaall ttoo DDiimmiittrrii ttoo
aassssuummee tthhaatt eevveerryyoonnee eellssee ddiidd ttoooo.. IItt sseeeemmss lliikkee hhee wwaass rriigghhtt..
““YYoouurr mmaajjee-- DDiimmiittrrii,, aarree yyoouu ssuurree??”” IInnggrriidd iinnqquuiirreess,, ggaazzee wwoorrrriieedd..
““II’’mm ssuurree.. CCaann wwee ssiitt??””
TThheeyy wwaallkk oovveerr ttoo tthhee nneeaarreesstt bbeenncchh,, IInnggrriidd aanndd FFeelliixx llaayyiinngg tthheeiirr wweeaappoonnss ddoowwnn aass
DDiimmiittrrii ssiittss.. IItt’’ss ffuunnnnyy ttoo DDiimmiittrrii,, bbeeiinngg ddiirreecctteedd ttwwoo vveerryy ddiiffffeerreenntt llooookkss.. IInnggrriidd’’ss iiss oonnee
ooff wwoorrrryy,, ffiilllleedd wwiitthh hheessiittaattiioonn,, lliikkee DDiimmiittrrii mmiigghhtt rreeggrreett tthhiiss.. FFeelliixx’’ss iiss ssuussppiicciioouuss,, wwaarryy
Yo u c o u l d h a v E s a v E d u s , D i m i t r i .ooffwwhhaatthheehhaassttoossaayyaannddDDiimmiittrriikknnoowwsseexxaaccttllyywwhhyytthhaattiiss..
HHee’’ss ssuurree FFeelliixx kknnoowwss bbyy nnooww tthhaatt iitt iiss hhiiss ffaammiillyy tthhaatt ppllaagguueess hhiiss mmiinndd tthhee mmoosstt..
IInnggrriidd ssiittss.. FFeelliixx ddooeessnn’’tt.. ““OOuutt wwiitthh iitt tthheenn,,”” hhee pprrooddss,, aarrmmss ccrroosssseedd..
““EEaaggeerr??”” DDiimmiittrrii ccaannnnoott hheellpp bbuutt jjookkee..
““TToo ggeett iitt oovveerr wwiitthh,, yyeess..””

99