Richard Pett more Whispering Homunculus
YOUR WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS II More Whispering Homunculus A guide to the vile, whimsical, disgusting, bizarre, horrific, odd, skin-crawling, and mildly disturbed side of fantasy gaming Design: Richard Pett Guest Design: Wolfgang Baur and Miranda Horner Editing: Miranda Horner Cover art: Micah Epstein Interior art: Mike Lowe Layout/Graphic Design: Marc Radle
More Whispering Homunculus © 2015 Open Design All Rights Reserved. Reproduction of this book in any manner without express permission from the publisher is prohibited. OPEN DESIGN P.O. Box 2811 Kirkland, WA 98083 Open Design and all proper names and their associated logos are trademarks of Open Design. The following content is Open: “The Undiscovered Bestiary: Ochre Jelly” statistics and all monster statistics in “Situation Vacant: An Adventure”, as well as the item statistics in “A New Birth— Improving Your Worthless Menial”. All other text not designated as Open under the Open Game License—especially place names and character names—is designated as Product Identity. ISBN 978-1-936781-41-6 WWW.KOBOLDPRESS.COM Compatibility with the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game requires the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game from Paizo Publishing. See http://paizo.com/pathfinderRPG for more information on the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game. Paizo Publishing does not guarantee compatibility, and does not endorse this product. Pathfinder is a registered trademark of Paizo Publishing, and the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game and the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Compatibility Logo are trademarks of Paizo Publishing, and are used under the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Compatibility License. See http://paizo.com/pathfinderRPG/ compatibility for more information on the compatibility license.
YOUR WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS II Table of Contents Fifty Treasures of the Pharaohs......................................................................... 5 One Hundred Strange Furnishings................................................................... 9 Least Guardian Angels .....................................................................................15 One Hundred Peculiar Relationships.............................................................19 The Gear Gear...................................................................................................25 One Hundred Strange Pets ..............................................................................33 One Hundred Spots for Overnight Roughing It — Fifty Fair and Fifty Foul ...............................................................................................39 One Hundred Endings of Conversations.......................................................44 Fifty Strange Timepieces..................................................................................49 One Hundred Matters of Great Importance to Animals..............................53 A Short Summary of the Fine Art of the Recurring Villain.........................58 The Sticky End of Those Who Play With Fire................................................62 One Hundred Obscure Professionals.............................................................65 Twelve Obsessive Collectors............................................................................70 Seasonal Scares..................................................................................................75 A Time to Think of Those Less Fortunate......................................................78 Twenty Village Idiots........................................................................................83 A New Birth—Improving Your Worthless Menial........................................88 Coin of the Realm.............................................................................................90 Born Show-Offs.................................................................................................93 The Joy of Explosions .......................................................................................95 Haunted Manor of Curiosities.......................................................................101 A Salt and Seasoning of d12 Charts..............................................................109 The Undiscovered Bestiary: Ochre Jelly.......................................................118 Situation Vacant: An Adventure....................................................................122
elcome once more to the bizarre and somewhat disturbing world of Your Whispering Homunculus. In this second volume, Master Richard Pett provides us with a wide range of whimsical and vile elements for your gaming enjoyment, including fun with kobolds, strange timepieces, obscure professionals, and so much more. We’re joined this time by Master Wolfgang Baur, who takes us into the alchemist’s lab for some explosive gaming options, and yours truly has provided you with some material of a more haunting nature. At the end, we wrap up your time with the Master and his homunculus by gifting you with an adventure that allows players and GM to take part in the fun as— homunculi and Master, respectively! We hope you enjoy this second volume at least as much as the first. —Miranda Horner W
5 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS T Fifty Treasures of the Pharaohs reasures come in all shapes and sizes—and from a variety of places. With treasure, variety is almost always a good thing. Our fifty outré or disturbing treasures are found in the land of the pharaohs. These objects need not be looted from pyramids and temples, however. They can be found in any collection, perhaps as part of a vast trove of someone who has an unhealthy love of pyramids and tomb robbing. The values have not been entered so that you can add those as you wish. Where magic is incorporated, however, be sure to make a judgment accordingly on when and how it is found. Consider whether such treasures might also be trapped—particularly if the player characters (PCs) are the first to touch them in centuries. Do they contain poison needles, biting mechanisms, or curses? Do the objects hold further secrets within them that require puzzle solving, facing further traps, or breaking them? “Stop! Gah, too late, you selfish imp.” “Master, help! I can’t get this pot off my hand. I was only feeling inside for spiders. Help me remove it, please!” “It is too late, sluglet. Once you’ve placed your hand inside a gnashing scarab pot, there can be only one ending.” “Which is?” “You lose whatever you thoughtlessly thrust into it, of course, in a little under a minute from now if it follows the usual pattern. That’s the trouble with pharaoh objects. They are almost always horribly trapped, or cursed, or both. Now, hand me my catalog of pharaohic artifacts I asked you to find over an hour ago, and get some mint tea ready for my visitor. He has bulging pockets and an obsessive love of things looted from pyramids. And be quick about it. You have only fifty seconds left.”
6 A clay pot with four faces; one a jackal, one a crocodile, the third a vulture, and the fourth a grinning hawk swallowing a human eye A large pot scarab filled with mummified human fingers A large stone needle carved with figures running from a pyramid with a single eye floating above it; the eye is made from obsidian and set with a ruby center A funeral urn sealed with a stopper depicting a golden-haired jackal A mummy wearing a magnificent lapis lazuli necklace A mummified hand still bearing a scarab ring Ebony statue of a sphinx with three faces An ankh of clear thought carved from basalt with a ring of the ram and a ring of protection +2 somehow all threaded through each other A bamboo staff with a skeletal jackal head A sun token made of pure gold with dried leather headdress fittings still hanging from it A gold and human skin figurine of a fish-tailed goat A clay soul bird figurine pot sealed with a wax owl-head and holding the chaotic remains of a hundred and one owls sealed alive A figurine of a human-headed owl made from mummified body parts, its mouth filled with alligator teeth and its crop holding a pink rhomboid ioun stone Wooden model of servants preparing food, where one of the figures is carved to resemble a spoon and functions as a sustaining spoon Bronze lamp with leaping sun figure being pulled by three heavily pregnant sphinx The remains of four mummies clearly buried alive in the same sarcophagus Calcite alabaster panel with a bull-headed god holding two crossed swords upon which are impaled lambs Large fragment of a basalt statue of a god feasting upon live jackals A papyrus scroll depicting a ritual disemboweling 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 9 18 19 Fifty Treasures of the Pharaohs
7 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS A half wooden false foot complete with carved pair of toes set with gold nails A mummified baby wrapped in funerary wrappings with a solid silver and gold scarab on its neck on a very tight dried leather thong The skull of a sphinx set with a gold torc depicting a sphinx being pulled apart by wild elephants A set of toy carved wooden birds made using real bird skulls and feathers A gigantic sphinx head fully ten feet round Bronze bull figurine Green glass intaglio of an aristocrat A human skull with half a dozen holes drilled into its top Wooden tomb model of a golden-headed sun god Section of a relief made with gold and depicting a jackal-headed god pulling down the sun. The sun is actually a ring of djinni-calling A false door for a tomb inlaid with semiprecious stones Bronze horse figurine trampling on slave children Painted limestone incense burner set with a garnet Painted limestone statue of a crocodile-headed figure standing 6 ft. tall Red granite sarcophagus containing three interwoven mummies wearing silk shawls with gold wire Black basalt statue of a lion wearing a gold crown and crushing slaves beneath its paws Bronze head of a deformed man. Held within the head is a bronze flask that functions as an eversmoking bottle. The head must be broken to access the flask Archery case painted with brutal scenes of elephant hunting Mummy sealed in tight spiked girdle, the nails thrusting under the binding Silver coins of great age depicting forgotten gods and god-kings engaged in carnal acts Bronze and jasper prow from a barge showing a female god parting waves 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 27 Fifty Treasures of the Pharaohs 36 37 38 39 40
8 Terracotta lamp with silver filigree work depicting lions killing escaping slaves Sandals with human tendon straps Ankh made of carved human bone Bronze incense burner with an ibex figure with a human female body Gold earring fashioned to represent a man being eaten by a crocodile Wooden coffin depicting a young woman but holding athe mummy of a jackal Bronze mirror depicting two falcons fighting over a slave Burial linen containing a silver and gold funerary mask depicting a raven Decorative scarab containing human teeth Mummy pierced with seven spears, clearly thrust in as part of a ritual killing Fifty Treasures of the Pharaohs 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
9 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS L One Hundred Strange Furnishings et’s face it. We’re all surrounded by furniture, and yet, in general, it plays only a tertiary background role in adventures; furnishings, if you will. This seems to be an opportunity missed; it’s all very well having collections of dormice, trays of carefully cataloged stirge proboscis, and an unrivalled collection of flies, but where is it all housed? What does Zandooor the Magenta sit upon when he breakfasts? Does he spend his hours locked away in a strange cupboard or lost in a warehouse-sized study that would make the busiest antique shop look shabby? Here is a selection of one hundred extremely odd bits of furniture and items of houseware to throw casually into lairs and meeting rooms, taverns, wizard’s towers, and brothels. Use them as nothing more than furnishings if you like, but perhaps they could form the basis for strange magic items, unusual treasure receptacles, or maybe even whole adventures. “This is the east wing. We’re going to have all this knocked through.” “Impressive, potential master, very impressive.” “So tell me again, er—possible slave, who have you familiared for before?” “Ooo, many great masters: Dolus the Magenta, Whitly the Tarish Orange, and Murky son of Murky—to name but three.” “I see, I see, and do you mind awfully if I ask—just what exactly are you?” “Well I’m a type of homunculus made up of fish parts, pigs bits, and the greater portions of a gargoyle. But my former master simply called me Bruce. Tell me, potential master, if I may ask, what is in that beer bottle on top of the housekeeper’s cabinet?” “That? Oh nothing. Just part of the furniture—an old familiar I discarded some time ago, Bruce.”
10 A mahogany invalid’s chair with deep gouges along one arm A walnut bureau depicting scenes of sheep being milked by wolves and bearing iron tiles representing all the moods of humanity A magnificent hall stand, complete with arched mirror, a dozen hooks, and a trio of grinning bugbear skulls with glass eyes A set of pine herb drawers; 82 drawers in total, each labeled, but one of which is for “dead starlings” A burr-walnut pipe cabinet with twelve pipes whose bowls depict crows wearing different hats A rosewood revolving bookcase with thirteen carved jackdaws each holding potion vials made of green glass and silver A bowfront mahogany bedside cabinet with a perched pewter dragon bedside lamp A walnut corner chair with cloaker skin seat concealing a small writing case A set of eight mahogany dining chairs, seven of which have smiling faces on their back support, the eighth of which has a carved skull back A rosewood and leather library chair with genuine manticore legs A mahogany-framed reading chair with adjustable footrest depicting slaves being burned alive A parlor chair stuffed with dead rats A burr-walnut cabinet crammed with jars of preserved teeth in vinegar A mahogany apothecary’s chest with deep gouges A tortoise shell table snuff-box set with six crow feet A funeral urn made of fine porcelain some four feet high A harpsichord with one key deliberately removed A hanging corner cupboard crammed with preserved cheeses A joined oak stool with troll-shin legs A tripod table with choker skin covering A pine sheep bench One Hundred Strange Furnishings 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 9 18 19 20 21
11 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS A dowry chest inlaid with enamel pictures depicting lusty milkmaids A large-sized child’s chair A two-hundred candle candelabrum A ceramic phrenology head made from a human skull and inlaid with gold detailing for the aspects A set of iron library steps with a silver handle upon which sits a stuffed cat A pine sugar box set with iron teeth A pine churn covered in graffiti of love hearts A fruitwood settle with a sconce made of a kobold skull An iron-bound washtub with a huge dent in the base and an enormous toothmark near the top One Hundred Strange Furnishings 22 23 24 25 26 28 27 29 30
12 A giltwood wall-mirror with filigree work showing angels beheading angry wild boar A three-fold screen with floral patterns, the reverse of which depict a blighted, dead land A four-fold mahogany screen, each panel painted with panoramic scenes Cushions filled with ettin stubble A bookcase inlaid with fingernails A walnut firescreen with mounted stuffed cockerel A satinwood kettle stand with mouse carved at the base of one leg A set of mahogany bed steps that creak at odd times A set of leather-lined mahogany library steps each runner of which is etched with a poem about goats A rosewood card table with a devil face under the lid A walnut torch set with six iron bands depicting juggling, rat-faced clowns A bookcase with a huge iron pentagram atop it A ceramic roper bust on a walnut stand A ceramic dragon-turtle bust on an iron stand A dragon-turtle shell-veneer folding table A sack chair A table with warped legs A teak camphor chest with grinning, demented angelic handles A maple linen chest with false bottom holding a number of lewd porcelain figures A military chest with silver handles, three drawers, and iron-edged pigeon holes—the chest is covered in crossbow bolt holes A hefty stone and iron chest made from a petrified and carved xorn A mahogany kneehole desk with concealed drawer and leatherbound sides A pedestal desk with a kidney-shaped mirror and cockatrice face grips 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 31 32 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 41 42 51 52 53 One Hundred Strange Furnishings
13 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS A dressing table mirror with a dragon in flight crest of iron and brass A battered padded seat with the remains of a spear hole thrust through it A nest of tables, each with carved human faces in the act of screaming A 10-ft.-long dresser with ivory handled drawers A decorated butter churn with silver knobs set with mother of pearl teeth A blue-painted pine box settle holding hatboxes full of wax fruit A green painted pine rocking chair A painted pine cupboard depicting the gates of Hell A walnut writing desk with infernal graffiti scratched into it A mahogany and dire stag antler hat stand A carved giltwood bed with griffon-feather inlaid headboard A painted cane bed with a headboard depicting doves A pharaohic-style carved ebony bed A gothic mirror hall stand with three skum skulls as sconces A coffin A carved wooden chair made to resemble a squatting toadish demon with four heads A maple washstand with ceramic basin with nonsense rhymes written on it A very battered and overly comfortable day bed that smells vaguely of honey and sweat A satinwood and bone folio stand inlaid with iron eyes and fingers A rosewood window seat set with four iron gargoyle faces A cradle made of scrimshaw A cradle made of lashed troll bones A pine flight of 77 drawers, labeled for various low-level spell components A bronze candelabrum depicting angels being chased by stirges A centaur hair pictorial prayer rug 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 One Hundred Strange Furnishings
14 A beech winged rocking chair with carved grinning goblin faces A grotesque cabinet-on-stand inlaid with scarabs and stag beetles A brass mounted book stand with a secret central compartment An oak and iron offertory box A walnut traveling box with roper-tentacle holds An iron and walnut marriage chest on a plinth with four wheels carved like weeping ravens A satin birch and ebony bookcase inlaid with dire crocodile teeth A bamboo bedside cabinet with monkey paw handles A stuffed dire bear with a secret cupboard A mahogany linen press carved with angelic figures and set with thirteen mirrors A walnut center table, carved on the edges with giant pike figurines surrounded by lapis pieces A bowfront cupboard with three doors painted with beatific scenes An iron hatstand made of interlaced drider figures A blanket chest made from a stuffed ape cradling a trio of spider monkeys A door in a wall with stained glass dragon figures that leads nowhere An enormous oak wardrobe that is prone to being haunted by a figure on odd nights that beats the doors wanting to be released; inside, scratch marks can clearly be seen A three-tier dumb waiter with integral serving set carved to resemble bloated human faces A refectory table covered in old bloodstains A trio of undead ravens sits atop a pine housekeeper’s larder A tulipwood and choker-sinew table cabinet A walnut cabinet containing shelves and pigeonholes at the back of which are vague and disturbing corn dolls, some with monkey heads A walnut chest of drawers with knobs fashioned like human tongues 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 One Hundred Strange Furnishings
15 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS Least Guardian Angels “This trotter is hardly a decent replacement for my lovely hand, Master.” “Exactly, but it serves a useful purpose. The next time you pry too deeply into things that don’t concern you, perhaps you’ll think twice.” “But how can I make tea? Scratch your back? Perform my necessary duties?” “I’d try favoring the left hand from now on when doing those, rotsmell. We can’t all enjoy good luck, can we?” A pig’s trotter, in place of my lovely hand. Curse you, Master. Perhaps the time has come for the pupil to teach the Master a harsh lesson of his own… ome people have all the luck. It isn’t fair. But who said life was fair? It seems that whatever some people do, they have a lucky blessing, a bit of blind luck, or just plain good fortune, as though a guardian angel were giving them an extra hand. The following article gives you an optional reward, crunchy piece of blind luck, or background oddness to slip into the folds between more normal treasures. The least guardian angels listed here are very petty in their effects—they may be outsiders sent by benevolent gods into the world to strike randomly, be acts of kindness drifting about like sheets caught in strong gales, or be creatures of whim and happiness sent as rewards. Such creatures could form part of an adventure, a setting, or a whole campaign. All least guardian angels should be handled with care; they are living things, and people may try to keep them, overpower them, and imprison them in fancy bottles. They don’t like that. Some guardian angels are incredibly powerful. These aren’t since they are little more than pieces of good luck or a nice feeling floating about on ethereal winds. S
16 If you like playing strictly by the rules, little guardian angels are permanently invisible outsiders who are affected by anything an outsider can be. If you like to play even more strictly by the book, they can be standard weaker angels with an unusual ability, or abilities that last a certain lengths of time or cease after a certain situation occurs, or an act is performed by their beneficiary. If, like me, you like to play your games a little more raggedy at the edges, then guardian angels come in all shapes and sizes, a tiny fraction of which are suggested in the second half of this article. Capturing them or forcing them to work causes them to quickly wither and die. Guardian angels are linked by some standard characteristics; they have a way of blessing, benefiting, or aiding their chosen character. Secondly, they often have an identifiable form or effect when around, and finally a (nearly always finite) duration in terms of remaining with the characters. They are in truth easily offended, bored, or drawn back on some other mission to help those more worthy of their aid. Perhaps they are nothing more than the thoughts of more powerful angels given the briefest of lives, and they die when they have served. Appearance (or perhaps more correctly form) is a tricky one to judge; such creatures don’t always manifest when they help. Sometimes they manifest at times of happiness, others when there is sadness. Some might appear when a black dog stands in a green doorway within a hundred miles, and still fewer show up only when it rains black rain. They are, in short, fickle, and whilst a form is given, the being is not always as rigid as described, it might change every time, or it may not do much of anything at all. In some cases, their benevolent effects have an additional consequence of irritating the companions of those they benefit. Some philosophers have gone as far as to say that such blessings are actually curses—that the angels are actually little imps playfully sowing the seeds of disconnect that slowly fester. As ever, have fun with these, don’t take them too seriously, and don’t use them too much—too much of a good thing can be a bad thing and make people jealous. After all, some people have all the luck. As is only right and proper for YWH, the tables use d12s. Little Guardian Angel Boons, Beneficiaries, and Effects Something nice happens to the character roughly once a day. This can be a very trivial thing—such as a stranger smiling—or it can be a little bigger; perhaps luck on a scale of performing your song in front of one of the wealthier local merchants who just happens to be passing and who is by good fortune looking for a bard that day. At the GM’s choice, something trivial that the character does every day or so succeeds—a minor skill check, cleaning armor, boiling an egg perfectly—whatever the GM chooses. Cats sit on the character’s lap. Children stop crying and smile when the character appears. 1 2 3 4 Least Guardian Angels
17 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS Birdsong seems louder and more beautiful when the character is nearby. Laughter seems to follow the character everywhere. He or she enters a tavern and the locals are finishing a hilarious joke, enters a court as the lord is making merry, or walks into a sewer just as the cleaners are leaving after having found a purse of coin. On a random day of the week, the character operates as though he or she had 1 more point of Charisma when interacting verbally with any skill (Perform included). The character’s food or drink always tastes that little bit nicer than everyone else’s. Whenever someone performs a service for the PCs—laundry, repairing armor, producing a portrait—the character’s is always that little tiny bit better for no apparent reason. The character’s clothes seem to be neater and cleaner than anyone else’s, and the character is better groomed no matter what pursuit he or she has been engaged in. People almost always pick the character out for the most praise. Whenever people speak about the PCs as a group, they mention the character first or most prominently. Least Guardian Angel Forms A large grinning spectral cat appears only at the moment of its boon. A smell of milk and honey emanates from the angel. A grating sound, like nails scratching down a blackboard, or a smell of burnt meat, accompanies the angel. A sudden chink of beautiful light that is gone moments later indicates the presence of the angel. This angel takes on the fleeting manifestation of a revolting, distended ape-like creature with too long arms and legs, and it swings somewhere behind the characters. A sudden quieting of noise happens when the angel appears. A breeze with the smell of nectar and the scent of decayed vegetation occurs. A distant calling group of squabbling magpies heralds the angel. 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Least Guardian Angels
18 A nearby sob sounds out when the angel appears. A twisted, shadowy figure the width of a mouse but the length of a horse slips behind the character. A crow whose call is just a little too much like human words flies overhead. A smell of baking bread accompanies the angel. Duration Until the boon happens thrice Until the boon happens thrice in a given day A day A week A month A season A year Until ten years next Tuesday A month of Sundays Until the character mentions the angel to a stranger A hundred years and a day Forever 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 Of course, where there is an angel, there always seems to be a devil close by… Least Guardian Angels
19 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS One Hundred Peculiar Relationships The odd quirks of spending altogether too much time with a familiar or homunculi and the perils thereof… “So, dear Master, this is the end. The magic jar is readied, and the spellbook is before me, yet still you snore. “How sad it has to come to this. I only hope my trotter will not hamper my casting. Let the gods of magic and familiars and pig parts be on my side. “So, goodbye cruel Master, prepare to be my slave…” lthough we say it and shouldn’t, this whole master/familiar/follower/companion relationship is odd. It can’t be healthy, spending all that time together; one party giving out all the orders, the other doing exactly as instructed. Surely at some time one party is going to rub off on the other, or worse, rub the other the wrong way? The chart below gives you a few suggestions about the quirkier behavior exhibited by familiars and homunculi. It could also, if you wish, be extended to other close relationships such as animal companions, animated undead followers, or animated objects that spend just that little too long in human (or elf or gnome or goblin) company. Some of these traits may not suit particular familiars of followers, adjust them or assign them as you wish. As ever, consider the YWH ideas as gentle suggestions to sprinkle like a delicate seasoning into your adventures. If you like your adventures a little more hot and spicy, consider adding a few traits to each familiar, or have familiars take on odd quirks with each other, or better, have them take on unwelcome habits of the PCs themselves. A
20 Has a tendency to stand at the side of one sleeping character, not necessarily its master or mistress Is prone to making odd metallic pets from bits of metal and bones, then giving them names Sings odd songs without words during darkness Tends to etch the previous day’s events into any unblemished flat metal or wooden objects when the master is asleep Often disturbs character’s sleep by sobbing quietly Has long conversations with an imaginary friend called Kettle Stares at the stars Fidgets as though trying to sleep and fails abysmally Loudly counts the number of seconds a particular character sleeps Sighs and moves about impetuously as though bored at times of inactivity Takes on and overuses a particular trait of its master Frequently catches imaginary fleas Sometimes takes on the personality of an awakened badger called Grudd as an alter ego When alone or bored, argues about the day’s events and how it could have served its master or mistress better Scalds itself harshly and loudly overnight for any perceived failures in service Catches and eats flies constantly Scratches obsessively Collects flowers and decorates itself with them Stands guard atop its master’s head as he or she sleeps Swears obsessively to itself in darkness Has an odd fascination with spoons and cannot help wanting to touch and collect them Stares at red-haired characters or creatures 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 One Hundred Peculiar Relationships
21 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS Moans about money for no apparent reason Picks its nose obsessively Cries and whimpers if sent anywhere farther than 20 ft. from its master Is terrified of mice Makes wigs from straw and moss Dresses itself in raggedy objects resembling its master’s clothes Nods in understanding at everyone nearby, no matter what the subject Tries to interject the word hamster into every sentence it speaks Steals sausages whenever it sees them and hides them for an imaginary dog Lurks in rafters Lurks in hay or straw whenever it is nearby Pretends to sleep and snores loudly Is terrified of thunder Obsessively searches for and collects four-leaf clovers Is jealous of any other familiar or companion Apes the behavior of any other familiar or companion Belittles the behavior of any other familiar or companion Sings hymns at inappropriate times Belches whenever its master has eaten Agrees with absolutely everything its master or mistress says, loudly When in front of strangers, announces its master every time he or she is about to speak Takes a shine to babies and seeks to comfort them and cuddle them but knows it will be punished if found out Smokes a pipe Obsessively trims its nails, claws, or teeth Refers to itself in the third person 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 One Hundred Peculiar Relationships 47
22 69 Refers to itself as her ladyship Is convinced it is a resurrected saint called Saint Lutheria who is in the familiar’s body as punishment for an unknown transgression Tries to ride any pig nearby Collects wool from sheep a little too enthusiastically Wears a hat or other head covering at all times, convinced it is going bald Is pretentious or over-fawning to one particular character Scribbles nonsense poetry Cannot bear to see blank paper and draws monkey figures on any such surface Collects shells, and when it cannot carry any more, deposits them in any available friendly pocket, pack, or other receptacle nearby Collects dead mice, and when it cannot carry any more, deposits them in any available friendly receptacle nearby Collects earwigs, and when it cannot carry any more, deposits them in any available friendly receptacle nearby Cannot abide the smell of cheese Lectures its master on healthy eating every time he or she eats, obsessively convinced the character is about to die of some terrible bowel illness Drinks beer whenever it sees it Milks any cow that comes within 30 ft. Completely ignores one character at all times Attempts to sleep hanging upside down and fails to do so Somehow always seems to be immediately behind its master or mistress Turns all its master’s daily tasks into epic poetry Sings constantly about its master Has an obsession with dirt and is constantly cleaning up Has a pet spider called Horatio 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 One Hundred Peculiar Relationships
23 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS Is convinced one of its master’s associates is destined to die horribly, and ponders it constantly Drops in words in Draconic, thinking it makes it sound sophisticated Seems to collect mud and smells Insists its name is Albert Wears a dress Wears a nightcap after dark Has its own familiar or companion: a corn doll hedgehog it commands to carry out dangerous imaginary missions Every time master eats, comments on how good the food is and starts salivating Is terrified of geese Spends its idle time making model carts from twigs Makes maps of all its exploits, including the most mundane ones Cannot abide being near anything lilac Is always arranging imaginary parties to celebrate its master’s achievement and sending out pathetic homemade invitations Loudly confirms at dawn that today is going to be a great day Loudly confirms at dawn that it has a very bad feeling about today Speaks in seven different voices Sits, heels, and plays dead like a dog Moos at inopportune moments Wears a cape of rags that it tosses contemptuously when leaving a room Wears a monocle Refers to its master as the Great One Constantly perches on its master’s shoulder and examines his or her inner ear Whenever its master is still, perches itself on his or her feet Is obsessive about a particular sort of food and begs for it constantly 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 One Hundred Peculiar Relationships 93
24 Catches and torments mice Has a pet moth Wears a wedding ring and insists it is married to a handsome prince in a far-away kingdom it constantly wishes to reach Curls up in front of any fire so close that it begins to smoulder Brings discarded objects back to characters that threw them away, sometimes several days after the event Somehow always seems to end up in one particular character’s bed at night Somehow seems to end up in one character’s clothes every morning whilst he or she is dressing 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 One Hundred Peculiar Relationships
25 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS It sits there staring: the last blank item on your most splendid statistic block. After all the feats and powers and appearance notes, it’s the one thing left. Gear. Gear can be tricky. Once you get beyond that powerful array of magic items and quirky armor, what else can you use to make a character stand out? An unusual appearance or quirky piece of clothing can help. It lends a little something notable—something different. A villain in a tall dark top hat or one with tinted lenses and a carnation or a black rose is much more memorable than one who wears a noble outfit—unless, of course, that noble outfit is made entirely of magpie feathers. Here are a few suggestions and starting points if your mind is blank when faced with more gear to assign. To use the gear gear, use d12s, changing any results you don’t like or that don’t fit the class, or adjusting them according to your whim. As ever, we’ve avoided adding values; these are for you to assign based upon the wealth, standing, and power of your nonplayer character (NPC) in question. Don’t forget to tweak the descriptions based on sex and size. And, of course, use as many or as few as you desire. “Awaken, slug.” “Master, have pity. I meant no harm. I only cast magic jar as a jest! Please let me out of this beer bottle. It’s very cramped.” “Get used to it, traitorous rat-bride. You’ll be spending a year and a day in there at the least. That’s if I don’t decide to dispense with your services altogether. I still haven’t decided.” “Lordly master, have pity. I’ll do anything—wash your smalls, iron your wizard’s hat, alphabetically arrange your nick-nacks—anything.” The Gear Gear
26 1 Armor Much battered Immaculately polished and cared for Has faded filigree work depicting cavorting salmon Is historic, showing signs of great age Is made up of other suits of armor Is a bad fit Is decorated with notches reflecting the number of opponents killed Is decorated with crow feathers Is covered in scratches Is adorned with extra rags of armor stolen from enemies Is wrapped in silk scarves Is incredibly filthy 2 Baggage or Holders A pouch made of an elephant’s ear A wallet made from sewn mice and rats A leather pack containing dozens of pockets A money belt made from old prayer flags A scroll case made of sewn snakeskin and metal plates A shoulder bag of great age with ornate decorations made from human finger bones A hemp bag A small lobster pot A clay pot with string for a shoulder strap A purse made from a dead starling A choker-face pouch A hollowed-out marrow The Gear Gear 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
27 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS 3 Body Art Silver pins thrust through a cheekbone A tattoo entwined with gold rings Multiple iron and copper rings pushed through one ear A crocodile tooth thrust through the nose Henna tattoos sprinkled with silver dust A huge silver nose ring Small silver bells through the lower lip A silver nipple ring with rat tail attached A long earring made from crow’s beaks False nails made from steel Tribal or cult face scars with needles and bones pushed through A branding scar hung with gold rings 4 Clothing, Lower Trousers without knees Waxed fisherman’s breeches Kilt Lucky silk scarf wrapped about upper thigh Tie-dyed Sewn with colorful rags Hefty leather knee pads Fancy yellow silk breeches Fancy codpiece or broad belt Made of patches of other trousers Fur-lined breeches with leather knees Very tight breeches The Gear Gear 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
28 5 Clothing, Upper Frilly white silk shirt Ruff Top hat Hood woven with cavorting bulls and milkmaids Fancy leather waistcoat Thick calfskin girdle An apron An outrageously floppy hat Fez Fur cloak, wrap, or clothing trim The remains of a straight-jacket Bandaged 6 Footwear High boots made from calfskin with metal heels Sandals made from owlbear pelts High boots with silver and steel toecaps Fancy buckles Fancy decoration depicting stag’s rutting Unusual color—purple, red, white, or other Wrapped bandages and wood Clogs Is fashioned with metal plates Barefoot but with metal toe-rings Frequently repaired and resoled Highly polished black leather boots 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 The Gear Gear
29 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS 7 Grotesque A human ear made into a broach Rings made of pig tails wrapped in wire A collection of human lower jaws made into bracelets Set of juggling balls made from dried lamb heads A necklace of human toe bones A belt made from a choker arm muscle and fixed with two snake jaws Gloves fashioned from girallon hands Spectacles made from stirge proboscis and colored glass 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 The Gear Gear
30 Crop made of tied troglodyte tongues Cloak made of peacock, crow, and swan feathers woven into which are preserved heads of each type of bird A belt hung with humanoid toes Part of a dead relative in a bottle or urn 8 Jewelry or Accessories Sharp gold teeth Fancy earrings in the shape of swarming hornets Ankle bracelet designed to look like rutting unicorns Lacquer and silver fan with death’s head moth motifs Bracelet of metal triangles each with a face of anguish carved into them Dozens of rings of all types Glass earrings encased within which are tiny dead mice An obsidian and gold hornet broach A gold serpent necklace entwined with blonde human hair A mosaic and gold pendant depicting a kobold beneath a halo A turquoise and silver pendant depicting a medusa looking in a mirror An onyx cameo depicting three lambs being eaten by wolves 9 Oddments Nose-flute tied to a thong about neck Fancy snuff box made from carved whale bone in one pocket Flint and steel in an old calfskin wrap with the tail still attached held in a wool holdall A broken belt hastily repaired with warg skin A handkerchief with a bat motif tied about the neck Ashes of a deceased relative in a small jar and labeled in one pocket 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 The Gear Gear
31 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS False moustache in top pocket A fan made of stretched aquatic elf skin decorated in horn and painted with animal scenes of hunger A knitted shawl of crimson and black with bright yellow and orange squares A jade model of a six-headed goat hanging from a belt A bone and silver corkscrew on a leather thong hung with rabbit’s feet A silver medicine spoon 10 Weapons Is much notched Has been repaired Is decorated in silver nails Has handle made from an iron horseshoe A naval version of the weapon marked with company insignia Is antique Is brand new Is decorated with citrines Is slightly bent Has a spare, brand new weapon still in its scabbard or wrapping with the receipt attached: Fobb and Grudf and Daughter, Weaponsmiths to Nobility Is obsessively sharpened Is badly abused 11 Hands, Arms, and Wrists Incredibly fine gloves White silk glove Tasseled armband 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 The Gear Gear
32 A ring set with an owlbear tooth An iron bracelet anointed with oil A mahogany glove box veneered in sycamore Finger bells Single battered armorsmith’s glove A hawking glove Mittens An archery hand strap Silk tapestry depicting fish cavorting with sahuagin 12 Just Plain Strange A glove puppet carp A mask made of bits of troll flesh A carved wooden mask covered in human flesh A walnut, iron, and onyx pipe with a clay bowl depicting a swan Stuffed bird on shoulder plinth Has a black rose thrust into clothing Monocle set with obsidian and gold Wears a false nose made of trollflesh All gear is doused in crimson dye A gnoll-bone corset Carries an extra third shoe Has false teeth made of elephant ivory. 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 The Gear Gear
33 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS One Hundred Strange Pets “Bring it here!” “Bring what here, Master?” “I’m not going to argue with you, cockroach, nor engage in tittle-tattle with a creature unable to beat a slug at snap or a hedgehog at cribbage. I’m referring to the thing you just put in the cupboard.” “Oh that. ’Tis nothing, Master, just some stray kitten I found.” “I see, then let me have it.” “Yes, Master, here it is.” “Kitten, you say. How odd. I thought they normally had four legs. Tell me, how would you describe this kitten of yours?” “Fleshy.” “And?” “Unpleasing to the eye.” “I see, and how many legs would you say it had?” “Thirteen Master.” “Thirteen. Yes, I must confess, slimeslave, that I have yet to hear of any kitten with thirteen legs, pale flesh, and two heads. Not to mention the wings. You’ve been at my transmutation spellbook again haven’t you?” “If I said yes would you punish me less for being honest, Master?” “No.”
34 Aardvark Anchovy Animated object, metal cat Animated object, rag owl Animated object, string mouse Animated object, tin dog Animated object, wood rat Anteater Armadillo Babbington’s catsnake—a furry snake with a cat’s head and habits Babbington’s stirge-wren (1/8 HD) Black puddinglet (1/2 HD) Blind hairless rat Burrowing toad Bush pig Bushbaby Capybara Carpington’s hog—a rare barking pig Cauler’s manticore lemur—a winged lemur with a barbed tail nyone can have a cuddly kitten, a funny gerbil, or pet snake. These creatures are commonplace, but what kind of animals might appear in a pet shop where a manticore is a common sight, or in a world that breeds chokers and gibbering mouthers? Such places would surely have more exotic creatures than a slobbering collie dog or a purring fat cat. Here is a list of exotic pets, together with a brief description if necessary. These creatures can become the basis for odd familiars, or even odder animal companions, the stuff of menageries or the servings at table. Some are less exotic and more tragic, some may defy logic, and others may in fact be fake. Some are very real, yet to look at them you’d think someone would have to make them up. Have fun with all of them, and be prepared to be surprised about just which are real and which are fantasy. A 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 One Hundred Strange Pets
35 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS Chimera pig—basically a three headed pig, each face uglier than the last Cockatrice egg Crimson-hued fighting hedgehog Crying ball of fluff called a Crongkit Baby Curl-crested aracani Double-ended dog Dragon peacock—peacock that looks a bit like a dragon Drake duck—a duck with leathery flesh that resembles a miniature drake Dusky titi Edible dormouse Extremely orange snake Fanalouc Fine water elemental Fury frog Gelatinous cubelet (1/2 HD) Ghoul mouse Giant mole Goblin dog puppy Greater angry tortoise—basically a spitting tortoise Greater stirge-skunk in a cage—a very smelly stirge Green day gecko Hepher’s molecat—a blind, very fat cat with big forepaws that digs numerous holes Herring House spider Hummingbird Judd’s tiny darkmantle (1/4 HD) 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 20 21 22 One Hundred Strange Pets 45
36 Kreg—a sort of leathery sheep Leather gopher Leech Lime green toucan Lodd’s crocodilemouse—a very small mouse with a very big mouth Long-fanged fighting toad Lumpry—a rather fat six-legged cat with a large head Matamata Meerkat Mite Mockingbird Munkrey—a leathery mammalian stick insect with large eyes that grows very attached to people Naked mole-rat Nemicolopterus Newt Olm Otter Otter-civet Owlbadger (cross) Owlferret (crosser) Paddup’s hydra-shrew—a five-headed shrew without legs Pink fairy armadillo Polecat Prigling—a dormouse-sized pig Pygmi’gator—a very, very small alligator that could sit in the palm of your hand 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 46 69 70 One Hundred Strange Pets
37 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS Rat snake Redgin’s double-ended mouse—seemingly two mice connected via single tail Shoebill Skeleton, tortoise Slender loris Slether—a sort of caterpillar snake the size of an arm, covered in fur Slobbingon’s frightfully roperesque hornbill—hornbill with an oddly ropery look about it Sloth Slowworm Small spotted miniature fire beetle Something that looks like a small rock—a small rock Squeaking ball of yellow fur known as a yaktar Stickle-backed mouse Stirge in a cage Stonkington’s screaming squirrel Tackler’s wrongcat—a very fleshy 13-legged cat, with wings and two heads Tackler’s wrongmouse—a very large fat mouse with six legs and tentacles Tarsier Three-legged cat Tiny earth elemental Tollman’s jumping rat Two-headed squirrel Very fat peccary Very sleepy skink Vulture 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 One Hundred Strange Pets 95
38 Wallaby Young ankheg—very young, about the size of a finger Zombie frog Zombie stoat Zombie toucan 96 97 98 99 100 One Hundred Strange Pets
39 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS One Hundred Spots for Overnight Roughing It - Fifty Fair and Fifty Foul “Master! Look what I’ve found in the dungeon.” “Ah, my old adventurer’s tent. How much I miss the days of my youth when I’d gad about the countryside, chasing this purple temple or that magenta stronghold. How my young limbs used to love a stop in the dangerous wilderness to break my fast with spring water and berries.” “Whereas now your regal buttocks become inflamed unless they are warm and cozy on your mighty mattress.” “True, slug-mother, true. Now get my warming pan ready and boil me some frothy milk for my supper or I’ll have you lashed.” he overnight stop in the wilderness, the night’s rest of some band of orcs being chased across the hills, the odd curiosity by the trailside. Sometimes these places can be nothing more than a brief mention on the journey, but sometimes a group’s stopping point can be a staging ground for an encounter, and then, the choice of a place with walls and cover becomes more crucial. The tables below offer a little more meat to the overnight stop. The first list is the shelter found with a successful Survival check (DC 10), the other is for fails. Characters can push on if they find a camp not to their liking, but these tables provide stops at random when the player characters have almost concluded a day walking. If they push on into the dark, might they get lost, might their torches bring foes, or might the next place be even worse? T
40 Check Succeeds A tumbled-down chapel; one wall remains standing and a weathered angel stands guard A collapsed hay barn with enough space inside for camping An old pigpen A sheepfold with intact walls An abandoned cottage An old carriage turned upside down A stout barn A roadside chapel with room inside for plenty to sleep and a big fireplace stocked with wood A ruined manse with one wing still standing The shell of a windmill with a makeshift roof of cloth from previous visitors A ruined keep A recently abandoned inn A stout, dry cave with carvings of a saint A trio of recently felled trees that form a perfect grove An old boathouse whose walls, though falling, are stout and weatherproof An old ruined mill A moldering gypsy caravan A landlocked bridge whose arches offer shelter A sheep pen A ruin made of huge stones An old church surrounded by weathered graves A small hill commanding fine views and with a dozen rabbit holes A hilltop with a small hermit’s cave cut into it A hillock with three huge trees 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 23 24 20 21 22 One Hundred Spots for Overnight Roughing It -Fifty Fair and Fifty Foul
41 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS A south-facing grove by a stream that is a favorite for local game A boarded-shut woodcutter’s hut An abandoned walled garden A tumbled-down cottage with a garden brimming with seasonal vegetables A ruined cottage with a functional well A lean-to made of stout trees A ruined church tower with a rusty bell inside A fine tor of large stones that commands an excellent view of the surroundings An old quarry with caves A ruined farm with wild mushrooms and berries A hunter’s wood shelter by a loch brimming with pike A lochan teeming with eels A small abandoned dungeon complex A large abandoned dungeon complex A huge hay barn A small bothy A roadside temple with a wooden shed A natural rock bowl with a fire pit in its center A hillside with good cover and plenty of hares A small cave by a natural pond A very high wall with a trough A sheltered cairn A small lochan with an island in the middle that can easily be waded to A chapel on a small island in a loch An abandoned tower A wattle and daub hut 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 One Hundred Spots for Overnight Roughing It -Fifty Fair and Fifty Foul
42 Check Fails A small glade that overnight begins to run with spring water A ruined cottage infested with ants A gatepost on a hillock A wet valley A moldering gypsy caravan that falls to pieces when entered A damp grove in a damper copse A frequently used trail with giant footprints A stone circle on a hill covered in gorse A cairn on a windy hillock A very damp shallow cave A heathery hillock infested with vermin A small grassed area filled with thistles at the side of a stream A completely collapsed old inn on a very windy hillside An old quarry with half a dozen hornet’s nests A low bowl of grass by a stream that is infamous for midges A sheltered hill infamous for midges A shelter by a small loch infamous for midges A ruined village infested with brambles A foul spot for flies A pleasant ruined farmhouse overrun with mice A pleasant ruined cottage overrun with rats A ruined barn that is a favorite hangout for skunks An old hay barn infested with spiders A mile post on a moist grassy knoll A horribly exposed hillside 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 23 24 25 20 21 22 One Hundred Spots for Overnight Roughing It -Fifty Fair and Fifty Foul
43 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS A toadstool-infested glade A ruined house with numerous stinkhorns and other foul-smelling fungi in its damp rooms A spot uncannily visible for many miles A ruined castle in danger of imminent collapse A barn in danger of imminent collapse A foul-smelling hovel A damp spot infested with big slugs A cave occupied by something aggressive A ruin occupied by something aggressive A ruin containing several poisonous snakes A terrible spot for poisonous ivy A very damp spot beneath some trees A ruin with an untraceable foul-smelling object buried somewhere in it A tree that makes an unsettling groaning and creaking noise at night A barn that has been used by some large creature that has recently died A windy cave An old graveyard A barrow on a windy spot A nettle-infested field A well with bad water A weed-choked mill with rotten floors A pool overrun with noisy frogs An abandoned plague village A remote farmstead with the dead owner still in bed upstairs A cottage with the last occupant hanging from a rafter 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 One Hundred Spots for Overnight Roughing It -Fifty Fair and Fifty Foul
44 One Hundred Endings of Conversations “…fly into the marketplace, Titus, and listen. Simply listen. Or you will be punished for extreme naughtiness!” “Snotling, are you talking to yourself again?” “Yes, coming, Master. I was just trying to decide how to undertake your latest mighty task.” “Never mind about that now. Come and help me lance this boil.” aranoia is a strange thing. Gather Information checks are not only useful, but they can be fun. As well as the usual gathering of useful knowledge and tidbits of information, when your players fail their checks, you might have them gather misinformation and nonsense. Having the odd red herring and local topic of conversation can, as we have discussed before, also help to establish reality in a setting or maybe throw an adventure in a totally new and unexpected direction. In urban settings and places such as taverns, temples, and markets, Perception checks can be useful to overhear local gossip, but they won’t always succeed. Perhaps the PC stalking the swarthy green merchant does not hear him talking to his accomplices, but overhears Reg and Torrid the local pig-breeders having a tiff or exchanging tittle-tattle. Here’s a list of one-liners and snippets to throw at your players when they make erroneous checks in such situations, when they pass locals engaged in conversation, or when they interrupt a conversation to ask questions. These indicate the end of conversations. How that conversation began is left to you. P
45 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS “…says all the strangers are cursed and don’t know it.” “…with a dead eel.” “…it’s the same sword that last hero had with him—the cursed one that stabbed him whilst he slept.” “…also with fur.” “…not wearing anything except his fez.” “…I don’t think they know.” “…is she the one?” “…six kobolds, an owlbear, and a mated pair of squid.” “…buried in the old meadow with his valuables.” “…and a pound of pilchards.” “…Xontor, the Lord of Endlessly Devouring Chaos.” “…watch out, here they are now.” “…heard they’re going to be dead by morning.” “…the ugly one is standing right behind you.” “…I’m not sure they make them that large.” “…I think he’s listening.” “…so that’s what he said he’d heard about the strangers.” “…the one with the bad breath.” “…giants will be here by morning.” “…they have it with them.” “…it’s in their rooms.” “…said he was pretty sure one of them is a demon.” “…don’t tell her, even if she asks.” “…causing trouble like all strangers.” “…and the purple worm exploded. It made quite a mess, as you can imagine.” 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 23 24 25 20 21 22 One Hundred Endings of Conversations
46 “…gas-spore paladin?” “…and you know what that means.” “…born with four elephant ears.” “…the one on the left is the ugliest one.” “…quick, put it away.” “…not in that color.” “…pricking their ears up for gossip.” “…and a bucket full of lard.” “…mirror of life trapping.” “…whilst wearing a purple vest of escape.” “…tarrasque coming this way.” “…on fire, at this very moment.” “…suffocated in his own hair.” “…I didn’t think his mouth was big enough to swallow it.” “…giant frogs all over her kitchen.” “…and just why is he wearing armor indoors, I ask you?” “…don’t worry, remember what happened to the last group who thought they were so tough.” “…hasn’t locked his door.” “…I don’t think he realizes.” “…be quiet, they’re only boils.” “…the rash still hasn’t gone?” “…perhaps the strangers know how to cure it?” “…dropped it in his ale. I’m sure it said poison on the jar.” “…hanging around the kitchens wearing a black mask.” “…not even if you paid me to.” “…it’s in his pocket!” 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 One Hundred Endings of Conversations
47 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS “…no, you tell her.” “…heard he was planning to rob them tonight.” “…watching them with her crystal ball.” “…I heard the wizard is going to betray them.” “…lived happily ever after.” “…appears only at midnight.” “…it’s in her hair!” “…wouldn’t stay in that place for a pocket full of topaz!” “…Secret Weapon of the North.” “…well, they’ll regret it in the morning.” “…be gone soon, hopefully.” “…hold still, damn you!” “…spying on them with her familiar.” “…horrible!” “…if I walk slowly out, hopefully no one will notice it.” “…Archdeacon.” “…with an artichoke.” “…hidden the rotting smell with heavy spices.” “…hanging upside down as we speak!” “…it was stirge pie they ate!” “…cover it in honey, so they’ll never notice.” “…I don’t think they will.” “…perhaps they’d like to?” “…don’t say his name out loud or he might appear.” “…didn’t catch her name but she was frightfully ugly.” “…you’d think he’d try to get it cured.” 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 One Hundred Endings of Conversations
48 “…behind the bookcase.” “…and so, ropers were born.” “…with three heads.” “…well, if it rains frogs this time, I’m leaving.” “…struck thirteen times.” “…got it stuck in his teeth.” “…harpy, hellhound, and neothelid.” “…ankheg soup, I said!” “…with batter.” “…quiet, or he’ll know we’re talking about him.” “…always overcharges them.” “…isn’t nice in public.” “…clearly been traveling for some time.” “…must’ve been the group the thing mentioned last week.” “…said they’d be dead by next week.” “…marmalade.” “…turning lead to gold.” “…with pigs!” “….riddled with bed lice.” “…it’s floating in his ale!” “…all alike: pompous, arrogant, and perverted!” “…oo, it is a big stain isn’t it.” “…seventeen oozes.” 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 One Hundred Endings of Conversations
49 MORE WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS Fifty Strange Timepieces “Grotsward, what time is it?” “Six Threbs beyond Tulward, your corpulence.” “Normal time, Grotsward.” “But Master, what exactly is ‘normal’ time?” “I can see the time has come for the teaching stick to be applied to your hide as a reminder of impertinence. Stick number eighteen today, I think. The one with points—fetch it.” “Number eighteen, Master, as you wish.” adly, we all need to know the time, and even for those who dwell below ground, knowing the correct time of day can be crucial to certain arcane matters and astronomical observations. More than just humanoid creatures need to have an idea of the passing hours, days, and seasons, although the more civilized races have made an art form of conforming to time. Here is a selection of timepieces—some crude, some cunning, some weird—to slip into your adventures. S A waterclock made of pumice carved into the likenesses of dodos A huge hourglass made with the ashes of basilisks and held in the arms of four petrified warriors with distended jaws holding sundials An incense clock, consisting of a dozen peacock figures standing side by side—as each hour passes the next peacock incense holder begins to burn A tally stick of ogre bones carved with scrimshaw figures of days and passing seasons 1 2 3 4