The Diary of a Nobody 2013/2014

290 The Diary of a Nobody

The Wife sensed this concern, I think, and readily agreed to my
plan….Half was her fave, mushrooms and olives, and the other half
had pepperoni and sausage, the only pizza I have any use for.

The Wife works tomorrow, too, but the hours are short and she
swears we will have a home cooked Sunday dinner.

Got the first four basketball games of the season in today without
major incident…I’d forgotten middle school basketball was a fall sport
up here, so the tournament was actually district finals, and John and
I found ourselves knee deep in two semifinal games, a third place
game plus the title game.

I had some rust early…Neither of us needed a deodorant yet before
I called a foul that was squarely in John’s primary area…John had
the foul, too, and two whistles probably meant the fans thought we
were all over it, but I had no business blowing my whistle on that
play…I told John that, too…He understood.

A bit later I was on the baseline…The ball was actually up near
the half court line (called the division line in the rule book) and John
was watching, but the ball went out of bounds on the sideline, which
I had no responsibility for…I saw the play out of the corner of my eye
and had some zero clue who it went out on…I can’t very well take a
poll, so I looked at the players, the guy in a white shirt seemed to look
like it was his fault, so I awarded the ball to the blue team…Nobody
complained.

That was about it, tho, and after that I was good…I was in position,
reffed my primary and reffed the defense, and if you do those three
things you are generally in for a good game.

They had a hospitality room at the school, too…Officially I am pro
hospitality room, but they are no good before or during your
games…Our first game was at 8am, and the room was chock full of
donuts, which are lousy pregame nutrition.

After we were done, tho, John and I laid waste to the hospitality
room…The donuts were gone and they had a nice little sandwich
spread and there wasn’t much left of it when we were done.

We were joined by an assistant coach from the winning team…He’s
actually the librarian at his school and John and I were chatting about
the election – which he was rather curious about – and the coach

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seemed surprised to be sitting next to an honest to goodness United
States Senate candidate…I gave him a Sparrow For US Senate card,
which I still keep with me, told him I got a bit more than 52,000 votes
and he agreed with John that was a pretty good total.

The high school in town is having their tournament next week-
end…Like I did last year I took Friday off and I have four games over
the weekend.

Sunday December 7
I am writing this Sunday evening, in the kitchen…The Wife is mak-

ing dinner…Her famous fried chicken.
(In a almost interesting technical note, I generally write the prior

day’s entry early the following morning, after my 4:30am constitu-
tional.)

Here’s the recipe: she takes the chicken and breads it in flour sea-
soned with kosher salt and pepper…Then she dips the breaded
chicken in yogurt – I am not making that up!!! – and then she breads
it again!!!...After frying it she’ll throw it in the oven for ten minutes or
so.

I am not making that up, either…She made this a while back and
it was the best homemade fried chicken I’ve ever had.

The only downside is our smoke detector got set off…And we
weren’t even cooking yet…The oil was merely heating up in the skillet.

We appear to have the most sensitive smoke detector ever…I set it
off this morning cooking the perilous dish of toast, and it went off just
now.

This is reminding me of Sunday dinners growing up at Casa Spar-
row…Usually Grandma and Grandpa Sparrow would come over early
in the afternoon and we’d eat about 3 or so and Dad, Grandpa and I
would watch whatever sporting event happened to be on while the
ladies prattled about in the kitchen…This was, of course, in the days
before cable TV and 24hour sports, and at 5pm they turned it to the
news so they could bicker about how the world was going straight to
hell in a hand basket. It’s kind of a nice memory.

292 The Diary of a Nobody

The Wife also mentioned today what her plans were for the spring
growing season…Carrots and bell peppers are on the list, as our as-
sorted berries to be grown on the rickety old fence that runs on the
east side of the shire…The Wife said most berries would need a year
before producing anything, but it’s a long life and I can wait.

In other news from the Vegetation Desk, the pomegranate Her Maj-
esty bought during her visit is still here…It had to’ve been two weeks
ago when we bought it at the store…She had high hopes for it at the
time, but apparently fell out of favor during her stay because she never
so much as gave it another glance.

It is sitting in our kitchen, still unused…Many years ago there was
a movie called The Gods Must Be Crazy, about a tribe of people in
Africa who discover a Coca-Cola bottle near their settlement…They
had never seen a Coke bottle before and had no idea what to do with
it…It’s the same deal with us and the pomegranate…We are not pom-
egranate people and we have some zero clue what to do with it…The
Wife keeps moving it from the table to the counter, perhaps in the
hopes it will develop its own inertia and flee…I suppose it will be
thrown away eventually.

Dinner was great…I dubbed the main course Chicken Fried
Chicken, which is pretty accurate, but not original…I remember see-
ing it on a menu somewhere, tho where has been long forgotten.

Monday December 8
The truck didn’t even make it to the tow yard…Brian pulled out of

the storage unit this morning, with me following in my new ride, and
we barely made it a few hundred yards before there was radiator fluid
leaking all over the place….Brian said he knew this would happen…He
opened the hood and said the fan broke and ended up in the radiator,
breaking that, too.

So the tow truck, which was standing by for us at the tow yard,
had to come and get us…The good news is we will get our old truck,
112030, back tomorrow.

So work was only a bit more than an hour, tho we get paid for four
when the route doesn’t run, so I came home and did some writing

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while The Wife worked on some homemade Christmas orna-
ments…I’ve enjoyed writing the diary so much I’ve started in on a
screenplay about a regular Joe who runs for the United States Senate.

For dinner tonight The Wife made some teriyaki flavored Spam
that had been lying around for a while…She accented it with pineap-
ple fried with brown sugar and some rice…I offered a line about how
we were exploring the sacred mysteries of Polynesia with tonight’s din-
ner, which got a huge laugh from The Wife…Bigger than I would’ve
given it, honestly…I mean, it was a good line, make no mistake about
that, but with that laugh it must get Line of the Year consideration.

Tuesday December 9
That was a long day…Not the longest, that is still last winter’s 20-

hour imbroglio, but 18-and-a-quarter is a worthy runner-up.
I went to bed last night not knowing exactly what would be hap-

pening today…Recall we don’t have a truck up here, ours having been
towed back to the branch Monday…I went to bed about 7 or so and
had emailed Kyle – one of the 17 people we seem to work for at the
branch – telling him I would be up early enough to be ready for what-
ever was planned…The morning constitutional, now an exciting, reg-
ular early morning feature of ol’ Sparrow’s wee morning hours – so to
speak – insures that.

As it was I had instructions from Brian we were driving to Town
A, where we normally go on Fridays, to pick up our old truck
112030…From there we would go to Town B, two hours away, where
we normally meet Route 24 on Tuesday’s and start our normal Tues-
day route…We were to be in Town A at 0630 and Brian’s communique
said we should plan on pulling out by 0430…Since my car would be
in Town A, at the end of route we return there to give our doilies to a
route heading back to Denver…Brian drove the truck back by himself,
while I drove my new ride…All told, it was nearly a 600 mile day.

We actually got off easy…We had good weather and good roads all
day…Had we not we’d probably still be on the road…It’s been unsea-
sonable warm all autumn and it was actually a nice spring day while
the sun was out, with temps near 50 or so…I left the house at 4;15am
and got home at 10:30pm probably in violation of some federal motor

294 The Diary of a Nobody

carrier transport laws or something, but I was strong the whole way,
never in any danger of nodding off.

The bad news our old truck is not completely ready to go…The
major repairs were done but we were told it will be sent back to the
branch for some maintenance stuff next week…It ran good for us, tho.

Wednesday December 10
The Wife was up early baking this morning, producing two loaves

of her famous banana bread…Both were in non-traditional formats,
too…The first was shaped like brownies and the second one, which
had walnuts, was in a Bundt pan.

The first one came out a tad darker than The Wife liked…It tasted
fine, tho, leading The Wife to wonder if the color was because the bread
as called Kona Bread…This led to a funny line from yours truly:

If that was the case, we should call it charcoal bread…
OK, perhaps not Line of the Year, but not too bad…The Wife
laughed.
The Wife was working a late shift at the retailer today, so I was on
my own for dinner so I finished up the chicken fried chicken from
earlier in the week…I still resort to bachelor tendencies when eating
alone, so I couldn’t be bothered to warm them up, or even eat them
with a traditional knife and fork…Me being me I made two sandwiches
out of them…I did put the effort in, however, to cut them in half
length-wise, because they are pretty thick and I would like it known I
ate sitting at my desk and not standing over the sink.
Of course we had truck problems on the route…That should go
without saying nowadays…First, it took the auxiliary air system,
which provides the truck’s suspension, 45 minutes to charge
up…Then, on the way back from making the southern Manitoba run,
we found ourselves on the side of the road after the engine light and
the Red Light of Death – which basically means stop the truck imme-
diately if not sooner – came on at the same time.
We are in the middle of nowhere…So nowhere I have to drive a bit
to find an area to get off the road…Not only are the lights on, but there
is a note on the display that says we are low on coolant…This is funny

December 2014 295

because Brian added some coolant this morning, so he goes out,
opens the hood and sees what’s up.

The cap to the reservoir is missing…I can see that from the driver’s
seat…This is curious because properly secured caps generally do not
come off, so either Brian put the cap on wrong or he didn’t put it on
at all.

Brian is not an idiot, so it was reasonable to conclude had be put
it on he would’ve put it on correctly, however, if he forgot to put it back
on, well, we’d made it this far without a cap, so I mentioned to Brian
we could probably throw some more coolant in there – we have a case
in the back – and make it home.

Which is what happened…The cap wasn’t at the storage unit, so
maybe it came off, but who knows…Since we had zero cell service
where we pulled over, if we can find a new cap at the parts store to-
morrow the branch will never know what happened…If we can’t they
may be curious as to why we are requesting a new cap be sent up…I’ll
let Brian deal with that.

Thursday December 11
The Wife has been making Christmas ornaments the past few

weeks…Most of them involve putting stuff on Styrofoam eggs of vary-
ing sizes and they are hanging around the house and they look really
nice…The second bedroom has, since we moved in, been her sewing
room, tho my dresser is also in there, and she is putting it to great
use…She has also made our Christmas table cloth and napkins, too.

I’m generally pretty patient with the truck problems we’ve been
having the past few months at work…After all, we don’t suddenly go
off the clock when we’re stuck on the side of the road, after all…But I
am taking tomorrow off to ref some basketball and the sooner we got
the goddamned route done the sooner ol’ Sparrow could start his
three-dayer.

As it was, Brian had to wait the usual 40 minutes for the truck’s
suspension system to charge and then we had to go the parts store to
see if the cap they had in stock would fit our coolant reservoir…I
stopped by before meeting Brian but the cap was still in the delivery

296 The Diary of a Nobody

box, so the guy said go get the truck and I’ll have it out in a half-hour
or so.

When I saw the cap I wasn’t particularly enthused about its pro-
spects for fitting…It was designed for a Ford and 112030 is an Inter-
national, but we long ago established I know squat about fixing cars
and trucks and the parts guy said let’s go see because he was secretly
excited about seeing under the hood of our truck…As it was, the cap
did fit and after it was secured the parts guy spent a minute or two
inspecting the engine.

We still have some zero clue where the original reservoir cap ended
up.

Friday December 12
Got the first two high school basketball games of the season in

yesterday, taking the day off from the doily route to work the high
school tournament in town.

I was not Official of the Year in Game 1…Despite having worked
some middle school games last weekend, there was some rust, espe-
cially when I decided not to call anything on a fast break that more
resembled a five car pileup than anything drawn up in a hud-
dle…Chris, a really good official who moved here from Texas whom
you met last year, ended up making a call, but it was really mine.

Chris really likes to talk officiating, more than I like to, anyway,
especially at halftime…At halftime I generally prefer to sit down and
think about anything other than the game, but Chris was walking with
Mike, and me, too, I guess, about an awful lot of things I was OK with
not talking about, but that may be why Chris is a bit better official
than I am.

Game 2, tho, was good…I worked with two guys from out of town
who turned out to be pretty good and I held up my end of the bargain,
taking a big leap towards midseason form.

I even issued my first technical foul in a very long time…So long,
I can’t really remember the last one, actually…I was on the baseline
administering a throw-in and one of the defenders started counting to
five, rather loudly, too…(Five seconds is how long the player with the

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ball has to throw the ball in.)…The throw-in is completed and as we’re
heading down court I tell her to not do that again.

Well, she did it again…Even louder than before…I can’t have this,
honestly…This is showing me up so I gave her a technical foul and
told her coach who wondered why I didn’t tell him about the warning
which isn’t too bad a point but I didn’t really expect it to be a problem
again, so I didn’t bother.

The hospitality room gets pretty high marks, too…As usual, I
didn’t eat anything before or between games, but afterwards a couple,
well three, sandwiches from a local deli and a slice of pizza…The pizza
was cold, but I am incapable of passing a pizza box without taking a
slice.

After a week or so of sleeping with the heated mattress pad on my
side bed, I’ve gone back to sleeping without it…I will turn it on an hour
or so before retiring so my half is toasty warm, a condition I’ve grown
to appreciate, however sleeping with it on made the bed so warm I
ended up tossing the Afghan off, and the cat likes sleeping on it, and
I like it, too, so I turn it off after crawling into bed.

Saturday December 13
Had a good time tonight at a Christmas party at the local Baptist

church…The Wife works with some members and they were the ones
who put on the bonfire from a month or so ago and The Wife is still
shopping around for a church so we went.

Dinner was really good…They wrapped bacon around everything
it seemed like, including elk and jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese
and there were meatballs, the presence of which at church gatherings
I’m pretty sure is mandated one Commandment or another…Com-
bined with one of those cheese balls and assorted crackers and mini
hot dogs wrapped in some sort of dough, and ol’ Sparrow ate an awful
lot.

Pastor Bill, a friendly, funny sort, and I happened to be sitting next
to each other for dinner…We had met before – had has even visited
the cabin – and we both noted how pleased we were at the abundance
of bacon entrees the ladies had provided...They were all presented on

298 The Diary of a Nobody

toothpicks, and I pointed out the stack of toothpicks accumulating on
the side of his plate, leading Pastor Bill to note:

You could bacon wrap the centerpiece and I’d eat that, too…
Pastor Bill gave us a test, too, on our Christmas knowledge…Tho
I have no particular religious beliefs now, I did have 13-years of Lu-
theran schooling, and I can still do pretty good at things like this, but
the good Reverend put a lot of questions about which ancient prophet
said this or that and that was a little too technical for us, so The Wife
and I only got a 66 on the test, which is a D, of course…The Wife noted
how we are probably going straight to hell for this.
The Wife had told me not to spend more than five dollars for the
present exchange and I brought a plastic tray to put your snow boots
on, a pretty useful gift but I couldn’t be bothered to wrap it, so it stood
out like a sore thumb and wasn’t selected by anyone until near the
end when the only other selection was a present wrapped in the shape
of a cross.
The Wife, meanwhile, brought one of her handmade ornaments.
It was one of those deals where if you could either take a present
from under the tree or you could pick a present someone else already
had and once the 12pack of the throwback Mountain Dew with real
sugar made its appearance it changed hands regularly with one Dad
even taking it from his kid, which was kinda funny.
The funniest moment came when ol’ Dutch got up to pick his pre-
sent…Dutch opened the box he picked to find a round item, about the
size of a miniature basketball…Thinking it was a ball, which it looked
like at first glance, Dutch threw it to the ground and we were all sur-
prised to hear it crack…It was actually a Christmas ornament, fairly
well made, too, because it didn’t break, the only damage was some of
the outer layer chipped off.
Two more basketball games today, too, in the tournament in
town…Neither game was close and the first one wasn’t particularly
well played, either.
These games are tough to do, maybe the toughest in officiat-
ing…Since the skill level isn’t all that high, you find a lot of plays that
might not be in strict accordance with the rule book, like traveling or
an illegal dribble or contact by the defense you might not get in a

December 2014 299

better played game and you have to decide what you are going to call
and what you are going to let go…Because if you called every violation
of the rules, boy, your game is going to last a long time.

You take more crap than usual in games like this, too…An expe-
rienced coach knows what the deal is, but a lot of fans do not and you
want to smack them and inform them it’s not our fault the players
aren’t all that good…We can’t call everything and you find yourself
blowing your whistle only when something gives a player an unfair
advantage or causes such a train wreck you have to call something.

Sunday December 14
One of the really fun things about Saturday night’s gathering was

singing Christmas carols…As noted, I am more or less a heathen now,
but I still enjoy the sacred Christmas carols I grew up with, and we
sang several of them…Pastor Bill said I wasn’t too bad a singer, but
he was being kind and he didn’t drop from shock after I told him I got
kicked out of choir in sixth grade because I couldn’t sing.

That is actually somewhat of an exaggeration…I wasn’t kicked out,
per se…The choir director was much too nice a man for that…Rather,
he pulled me aside after practice one day and asked me to mouth the
words from now on, which initially I thought was an honor…Wow, I
get to mouth the words…No one else, as least as I could tell, was
granted that privilege…Later I realized what the deal was and didn’t
go out for choir in seventh grade.

I may never eat again after Sunday night’s Christmas party at the
Post…More food!!!...The tough part is these things always have one or
two things I really like…Tonight it was some sort of appetizer with
cream cheese, among other things, in it that I was as unwilling as I
was unable to stay away from.

Before we got started Tony, the VFW post commander, asked I
would open with a prayer…Tony and his family do not actually wor-
ship Satan, but he is even less of a believer than I am and he said he
would be lousy at winging one so I said sure, I spent a lot of time at
church as a kid and I could wing a prayer.

300 The Diary of a Nobody

Despite the fact I put zero thought into it and it took all of 15
seconds I got a couple of compliments…I mentioned how grateful we
all were for the opportunity to gather for one of life’s great prizes (a
line stolen from an old Dragnet episode), the opportunity to gather
with our fellow veterans and our families for fellowship over the holi-
days…I then commanded the good Lord to bless all of us and the meal
we were about to enjoy and that was it.

Finally had some decent snow yesterday, about five-six inches…I
was out starting the car to let it warm up before heading into town
and I did so without closing the door…As it was, the windshield wipers
were still on and before I could turn them off a good portion of the
snow on the windshield was in my new ride and it was a pain in the
neck getting what I could out…I’ve done this before and you might’ve
thought ol’ Sparrow would’ve learned his lesson after the first time,
but you would be wrong.

Monday December 15
We now have seven types of coffee in the house…I am not making

that up…Seven.
First is the current crap I use…It’s the house brand at the grocery

store in town…As noted, I have had my share of lousy coffee over the
years and I am not particularly picky and I will usually get whatever
house brand is on sale…I think this time it was supreme blend…I
cannot really tell the difference and it doesn’t really matter.

The Wife has a couple of cans of the blast off coffee I have some
zero use for…One is for her and another will be a gratuity for our
garbage man…The fourth is the New Orleans coffee/chicory blend I
sometimes make in the afternoon.

Fifth is a pound of coffee The Wife got at work and the sixth is a
small package of coffee that came with a travel mug I picked up at one
of this past weekend’s gift exchanges.

The seventh is the house brand Classic Roast at the local market
I bought today because my current crap is running out…I also bought
filters.

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Now The Wife is making noises about getting one of the fancy ma-
chines that begins with a K that I can never pronounce without drool-
ing all over myself…I asked her if she needed one or wanted one and
she admitted she wanted one, tho I said if she could demonstrate a
need for the K machine, we could certainly get one.

Logged some quality time with Gar at the Post Christmas party,
too…Gar has been around forever and is so valuable a member of the
Post we named him Veteran of the Year, tho he scowled when his
name was announced…Anyway, Gar has significant experience in
driving big rigs, both ages ago in the Army and in running his civilian
business, and he had some questions about the doily truck…Tech-
nical, exciting stuff like do I need a CDL to drive it and what kind of
chains it has.

(The answers are no and automatic chains on the rear
wheels…You flick a switch in the nice warm cab and chains move in
front of the rear wheels and spin, clearing a path…They work pretty
good, although we’ve seldom had to use them.)

Gar had some good winter driving tips, too…He said press the gas
and brake pedals as if there was an egg between your foot and the
pedal and hold the steering wheel with your thumb and forefinger on
each hand…I told him this fits right in with my own personal theory
of not doing anything – steering, braking or accelerating – too quickly
and he nodded knowingly.

Tuesday December 16
Here’s the current morning routine with the cat:
I’ll get up, usually early before the alarm, and go to the kitchen

where she’s waiting for me…Usually she is doing something adorable,
like rolling around waiting for pets…After I pet her I’ll get the coffee
going, turn on the laptop and then I’ll go and enjoy my morning con-
stitutional…I take the phone in and read the paper and by the time
all this is done the coffee is ready.

Then the cat gets her yummies…We keep dry food out for her all
the time, but once a day she’ll get a tasty treat from a can…The time
has varied…Sometimes we gave it in the afternoon and even right be-
fore bed, but since we’ve moved the cat has had morning yummies.

302 The Diary of a Nobody

The cat has been sleeping with me, too, the past few weeks…Ac-
tually, I think it may have started when Her Majesty was visiting…Ei-
ther way, she seems to like the Afghan The Wife made me as much as
I do, because a few minutes after I turn off the light she jumps up and
takes her preferred position.

We could’ve had a complete fiasco on the route today, but man-
aged to avoid it…Recall on Tuesdays we meet Route 22 in a town about
an hour south of here…Usually Aaron will call us in the afternoon to
see what kind of time we’re making and get an ETA from us…Today
he didn’t and I figured he had the day off…We got to town about 5:45
and after Brian and I used the can we tried to make contact with
them…No luck, because their route was combined with another route
today because the branch didn’t have enough trucks.

Well, heck…After we made contact with the combined route we
find they were already heading back to the branch…This meant we
had to drive further south to Town A, where we usually go twice on
Fridays and they had to turn around to meet us.

It could’ve been worse…We had pretty good weather and reasona-
ble good roads all day and we made good time coming back, but it was
still a 15-hour day.

Wednesday December 17
We had Christmas carolers last night!!!
I am not making that up!!!...I was at my desk farting around and

The Wife was in the tub of all things, when I heard a knock on the
kitchen door...Knocks are rare at the Sparrow house, frankly…As a
kid we were never the type of family you just dropped in on, that was
true as a bachelor and it has carried on into married life, tho The Wife
will get a caller from to time…No one ever comes to see ol’ Sparrow,
except

Bonser, tho he’s gone for the holidays with his rug rat.
Anyway, I open the door, which opens on to a small porch and the
carport, and there is a girl with a plate of goodies and I look up and
there are about a dozen people, let by Pastor Bill, who immediately
start in on Angels We Have Heard On High…Oh, baby, I’ve loved this

December 2014 303

song forever, so I sing along despite the fact I have the worst voice ever
issued a human being…After that they finish with a spirited rendition
of We Wish You A Merry Christmas…Pastor Bill came up and shook
my hand and they all headed to their cars to head to the next stop.

Meanwhile, The Wife is scrambling to get out of the tub without
breaking her neck, but by the time she is presentable they have al-
ready left.

I can remember going caroling as a kid, and having carolers stop
by the house, but these were the first carolers I can remember since
then…It was really nice.

Thursday December 18
The Wife and I had dinner with Mike – who used to be one of the

17 people we used to work for at the branch but isn’t anymore – and
his wife last night…They were up for a week of skiing and I conned
them to coming out to meet us for dinner so we could go to the leg-
endary pizza joint in town.

Mike and I are about the same age, but he’s been married well over
20 years while The Wife and I are just over three…The Wife, as she
loves to do in these situations, told the story of how we met…It is
usually filled with lies, of course, and it was kind of funny me having
a sidebar with Mike telling him what really happened as The Wife fed
Mrs. Mike her lies.

To wit: I was not “hard up” when we met...I don’t know – and still
don’t know – what gave her that idea.

I had a really good line, too…Maybe Line of the Year…Mike and I
were talking about some our zany co-workers, including one I had
worked with one day when Brian was off…Mike said this guy was “an
interesting sort” who gave the impression as being the guy who had
the bodies hidden underneath his porch, but who otherwise seems
like a nice guy…The quote from Mike:

He is off in his own realm.
That was certainly true enough, and I nodded accordingly…Then,
from completely out of the blue because who in the hell thinks of
things like this I said, not without some enthusiasm:
He is lord of his own ring!

304 The Diary of a Nobody

This got some good laughs…Line of the Year laughs, honestly…It
was a pretty good line…Mike and Robyn thought the pizza was really
good, as good as I’d said it would be, so it was a good night.

Mike is moving, too…He is a preacher by trade, tho he has been
out of the racket for a few years, but the family will be moving back to
their native Michigan after the first of the year because accepted an
job as an associate pastor at a church near Detroit…Mike was clearly
pleased by this, and I told him patience and perseverance had pro-
duced their customary dividends.

Editor’s Note: Mike provided the inspiration for the Bonser character
you meet here from time to time.

Friday December 19
Look, I wasn’t hard up when I met The Wife…I was not currently

involved in a relationship, true, but I was dating babes left and right,
don’t doubt that and, in fact, had to let a variety, or at least a couple,
of women know I was off the market when The Wife and I became an
item so don’t even start.

Made rather good time on the route today…As we were heading up
the mountain first thing in the morning we noticed a large tow truck
up ahead of us….Mindful of all the breakdowns we had, I wondered
aloud if this wasn’t a precautionary measure on somebody’s part.

It might well have been…One of the things Mike mentioned at din-
ner Thursday night was that Dave, now the only full-time mechanic
at the branch, was driving routes most days instead of fixing trucks
and there was no shortage of trucks that need work.

Including ours, 112030…We were told this when we got the truck
back a couple of weeks ago and it still needs some TLC…Specifically,
the washer fluid dispenser isn’t working, for one, which can be a pain
in the neck sometimes because window get dirty in the winter and we
are reduced to using a spray bottle with some window cleaner and
spraying it on the windshield at stops.

December 2014 305

Saturday December 20
Did the final two basketball games of the year today…There is little

basketball during the holidays here, so I am done till after the new
year.

It was supposed to be Sparrow, John and Dave in the first game,
but John said he pulled a back muscle loading some pigs into a truck,
so he bailed after his JV game, leaving Steve to fill in…Steve is return-
ing to officiating after about ten years off and this was his first varsity
game since then…Since he worked the game before, we did not have
time for a complete pregame, so I gave him Sparrow’s Five Point
Pregame In A Pinch:

For the betterment of Humanity – and just in time for Christmas
– I offer it here:

1. Be In Position: If you don’t care enough to give me your very
best, go home…
2. Ref Your Primary: Each official has their own area to cover,
even if the ball isn’t in it…Do not steal your partner’s call…Let
him do his work…If he passes on a call you thought deserved
a whistle, swallow it…He was in better position.
3. Ref The Defense: You can’t have a play without a defender,
so watch the defense and keep the dribbler/shooter in the cor-
ner of your eye.
4. Advantage/Disadvantage: This is an important principle for
a basketball official…There is contact in basketball and a lot of
it is against the rules but you can’t blow your whistle every time
there is contact…Your game will take all day…So determine of
the offender got an advantage not intended by the rule book
with his action…If so, blow your whistle…If not, let it go…A
good example of this is contact on a rebound…If the player got
his rebound and was able to make an outlet pass despite the
contact, let it go…If not, blow your whistle.
5. Establish Early What You Will And Will Not Allow: Low
post play is a great example of this…If you have two players
who are good know what they are doing and neither is gaining
an advantage, let them play…On the other hand, if you have

306 The Diary of a Nobody

two thugs going at it you must put a stop to it right now…Let-
ting it go will just cause problems later in the game…A double
foul – a foul on each player – does a good job of restoring order.
The game was not close, but it did have its challenges because it
was not the most precise technical display of basketball skill in the
history of the sport and we found ourselves implementing Point 4 an
awful lot, but our crew did all five things well and we had a good game.
The boy’s game featured a team that passed a lot and took a long
time before shooting…Unfortunately, they didn’t make many shots
and their 6-0 run at the start of the second half that got them back in
it took three-and-half minutes and they never got much closer.

Sunday December 22
I am making Christmas dinner!!!
I am not making that up and good luck stopping me…I decided

this Saturday during a time out of one of my games…The Wife has
been working an awful lot at the retailer and Christmas will be her
first day off in about a week and while I haven’t exactly been on vaca-
tion either there is no reason for her to be slaving over a hot stove.

Now, by my own, personal admission my cooking skills are negli-
gible, however I can, more or less, follow directions and as long as I
don’t try to make anything from scratch I should be OK and I am
already fussing over the menu.

Offhand, I’m thinking ham, but we are at the store tonight and
boy, that rib roast sure looked good and it’s not easy to get a good
prime rib in this town, unlike Vegas where we used to live where you
can get a good prime rib at the corner mini-mart and I remember read-
ing they are not that difficult to make, a fact The Wife confirmed not
that her opinion means anything because it doesn’t, she is getting the
day off from the kitchen.

I will get a quality dessert, the side dish will probably be au gratin
potatoes and good luck stopping me from making my fave ready-to-
bake biscuits…My enthusiasm level is, officially, High.

This news was not received by The Wife with any visible signs of
rapture, however, altho she does acknowledge she has been working
an awful lot and will not be in the mood to cook a holiday meal.

December 2014 307

To really get in the holiday spirit, we watched It’s A Wonderful Life
tonight…This is one of The Wife’s alltime favorites…She introduced it
to me last year and I like it, too, tho it doesn’t make me weep con-
stantly like it does her…The Weep Factor was a bit higher this year
because we were watching it in our forever cabin for the first time.

Thursday December 25
Merry Christmas from the Sparrows!
Despite the fact The Wife’s ex is gone and she alternated between

a good mood and reliving why they are exes, we had a delightful day
together, not even bothering to leave the house.

I did not end up cooking everything, tho, as I had originally
planned…There was simply too much planning involved for my zero
cooking skills, but The Wife graciously let me think I was executive
chef, making all the key decisions while she did the prep work.

It was a brilliant plan, well executed…You cannot underestimate
the importance of executive chef guidance, it’s that simple, and The
Wife played along beautifully…For example, she is sifting some flour
and salt for Yorkshire pudding

Chef I know you’re testing my memory, but by sifting flour with salt
you’re lightening the flour and bringing all the ingredients together…

This made me laugh…I looked at The Wife as a Sifting Master
would look at a novitiate:

I know that…
I added the key to good management is letting your subordinates
fly with their inspiration…I made the sign of the cross, mumbled a
blessing, and let her continue.
We fussed around with the order of making things for a while.
First, we were going to cook the roast, then the other things while
it was cooling…But we didn’t like that, so switched it and would cook
the other things, potatoes and Yorkshire pudding and biscuits and
whatnot, then cook the roast.
We didn’t like that plan either and I, in my role as executive chef,
dismissed it.

308 The Diary of a Nobody

The big hang-up as the roast called for an oven at 350 degrees and
the potatoes and biscuits a 450 degree oven then The Wife, under my
executive chef guidance, came up with the brilliant idea of cooking the
roast for an hour, taking it out and cooking the other stuff, then put-
ting the roast back in!!!...The potatoes and Yorkshire pudding could
go back in the oven to warm up while the biscuits were baking and
the roast cooling.

I immediately authorized this plan.
The prime rib turned out to be splendid, tho the Yorkshire pudding
didn’t turn out all that good, frankly…There was a lot of it left over.
Can we give it to the fox?
The Wife says there’s a fox that hangs around the cabin…She’s
been feeding it from time to time.
Sure.
I regarded the slab of Yorkshire pudding clinically…It probably
would make a better projectile than foodstuff.
It might not take it.
We got The Wife packed before we went to bed…It all fit in a car-
ryon bag and a backpack, so we don’t have to check anything.
My pledge is to not eat hot dogs and macaroni and cheese at all
much less every night like I did in the spring when she was gone for
ten days.

Friday December 26
A lousy day.
I dropped The Wife at the airport at 5am, three hours before her

flight, but I had to hit the road at 6am and the airport is just down
the road from our cabin and on the way to in to town, so it was pretty
convenient actually…She will be gone a bit over a week and Sir Allan
and Her Majesty need their mother, and spent most of yesterday won-
dering when she would arrive.

Brian, recall, spent the holiday in the big city and would meet us
in Town A…We would do the route, return to Town A to drop off our
doilies with Route 21 to take back to the branch, Brian would return
to the big city for the weekend and I would drive the truck home.

December 2014 309

Almost made it…Heading down the pass the truck started spin-
ning and ended up hitting a guard rail…I am not making that up, tho
I wish I were…I don’t know what happened…The road wasn’t that bad
and I am a good driver but it happened anyway.

Sigh…I wasn’t hurt…Lots of people stopped to see if I was
OK…From the time of the crash to the time I got home at 1am four
hours elapsed…The cat was glad to see me…I am still a bit shaken…It
could’ve been worse.

On the other hand, it could have not happened at all.
Sigh.
I miss The Wife.

Saturday December 27
Considering everything, today wasn’t too bad…I didn’t sleep well

or particularly long and I still miss The Wife terribly.
I was sort of productive…I was in town and brought another

shovel, this one has a large, flat surface and is designed to keep the
pusher upright, which is a lot easier on the back…We do have a fancy
snow blower, of course, but this will come in handy when we just need
to clear a small amount of snow…There is some zero point to getting
the snow mover out for only a couple of inches.

I had dinner at Wolfe’s down the street…I had a burger…The ser-
vice was slow, which is standard at Wolfe’s when you’re not the only
customer, but it wasn’t as if I had anything better to do.

Sunday December 28
With The Wife gone I have been getting a lot of work done on the

screenplay I’ve been working on…It’s called JC, for Joe Candidate, and
it’s about – get this – a regular guy who is selected to run for the United
States Senate!

I’m told this is appropriate because it is best you write what you
know and I know about being a regular guy being nominated for the
United States Senate…It’s pretty funny, not complete satire, but not
completely grounded in reality, either.

310 The Diary of a Nobody

I write it online, using an app that formats everything for you…All
you have to do is write…This is key because I am hardly your script
guru and really know nothing about the mechanics of writing
one…Writing this diary day in and day out, tho, has gotten me in the
habit of writing and it’s worthwhile work and I had an idea, so here I
am, Sparrow, screenwriter.

The Wife said it cost the kids about two grand to cremate their
Dad…She had texted, wondering if that was a bit high and I said no,
it’s about what I recall spending on my brother and my Dad was a
similar amount, too…I told her death costs money, because you only
die once…There isn’t any repeat business.

I am trying not to completely revert to bachelor tendencies with
The Wife gone…I am trying to pick up after myself and clean as I go
in the kitchen, two awfully big challenges, but I’m doing all right at
meeting them.

Monday December 29
Not for the first time this year the branch sent another truck for

us…We’ve had this one before and Brian noted it has broken down on
us before, tho we’ve had so many breakdowns I couldn’t remember
exactly the breakdown Brian mentioned…He said it was the one that
“blew up on us” but all our breakdowns have run together and I
couldn’t remember it.

I was talking to The Wife on the phone today and we had the fol-
lowing conversation:

Have you cleaned the cat box?
Crap! No I haven’t!
I got on that immediately…The box did need attention, pretty bad,
too, but the cat must be sensitive to my bachelor plight because she
hadn’t whined about it and she has a history of whining when her box
needs a cleaning.
On the credit side of the ledger, I did remember to put the trash
out last night on my own and I have been very good about giving the
cat fresh water every day…And the house isn’t a complete mess.

December 2014 311

Tuesday December 30
So I bought a homeless guy a hot dog and a coffee tonight…We

were in Town A and we had some time to kill and this guy was stand-
ing at the entrance to a convenience store, stiff as a sentry with a
sign…I don’t recall it having words, tho I do recall seeing a dollar sign
and maybe a drawing of a truck.

Hell, he looked like my brother, who died homeless several years
ago…I told him I’d like to buy him something to eat…He looked grate-
ful and took me up on it…I offered his choice of the convenience store
or the Mexican joint in the same building even tho it’s not really a
Mexican joint it’s an establishment that serves Mexican-ish ingredi-
ents in tortillas…They’re not the same thing.

He chose a hot dog and smiled thankfully at my suggestion we had
a coffee to that…I told him he could have more, but he said he was
content with a hot dog…OK.

We chatted a little bit…He said his name was Kaz and he was not
the first homeless guy I’ve met who was articulate and rather bright,
which also reminded me of my dead brother…I long ago came to the
conclusion there are some of us who do not want the responsibility of
taking care of themselves and there isn’t a whole lot you can do about
that…My brother came and lived with me one summer during the zany
bachelor days and even with that advantage he couldn’t/wouldn’t
make a go of it and eventually went back to working traveling carni-
vals.

Heck of a time and place to be homeless, too, because it was below
zero when I met Kaz…On the drive home I wondered if he would be
warm tonight…Probably not, but who knows.

Another 19-hour day…These are getting old...We were in Town B
to meet Route 22 at 8:30, below average time, but 22 was already
headed back to the branch because of – and this will surprise you –
truck problems, obliging us to head down to Town A, where we go
twice on Fridays and wait until 10:30pm until Route 24 came thru
town…We clocked out at a quarter to one Wednesday morning and I
got home about 1:30 or so.

I let Brian drive home…He was grateful because the heater in the
back of the truck isn’t that great…In fact, on the way home I was kinds

312 The Diary of a Nobody

cold and I was bundled up…I was grateful because I’ll be honest, after
Friday’s crash I was a bit gun shy on the road, travelling slower than
I normally would and Brian probably got us home 15 minutes faster
than I would have.

Wednesday December 31
We have our first home repair!!!
I am not making that up!!!…This morning I went to fill the coffee

pot with water and nothing came out of the cold water tap!!!
Well, even I know this isn’t normal…Water always comes out of

the tap…Usually I pass home matters like this off on The Wife, but
she’s not here right now, so I started right in troubleshooting…Now,
my home repair skills are more or less on par with my cooking skills
– my triumphant Christmas prime rib notwithstanding, of course –
but I am not a complete idiot so I dove in in good spirits.

The first consideration was the brutal cold of last night…It was 29
below which is cold even for here and the area underneath the sink is
right up against the cabin wall which is not insulated.

So I look under the sink and there is a small area of the cold water
pipe that is not insulated…The rest of the pipes are insulated like
crazy, so I immediately determine the small uninsulated section froze
over.

This is where my expertise ended…After the route I went to the
hardware store in town – there isn’t one in our small town – hunted
down a worker and told him my problem and he led me to the Pipe
Insulation section and judging by the half-empty shelf I wasn’t the
only one having his problem…He also advised to wait until the pipe
unfroze to put the insulation on because all you were doing was insu-
lating the frozen pipe which would make it harder for it to thaw.

OK…I checked the forecast and it will be warming up this week-
end, so the pipe should thaw out…I also cleared out the bottom of the
sink so the cat won’t eat any of household cleaners and left the doors
open, so the pipe will be exposed to room temperatures…Hopefully
everything will be normal by the time The Wife comes home Saturday
and I can show her my triumph.

December 2014 313

You know, Friday’s crash notwithstanding, and taking everything
into consideration, this was a really good year…The Wife and I bought
a house, the first for either of us, and we could not be more delighted
in our forever cabin…We are both ready to settle down and find small
town life a treat…I ran for the United States Senate and while I only
got two percent of the vote, I came away with the feeling voters will
eventually be open to a third party candidate and I am sufficiently full
of myself to believe I will be the candidate that ends up making a dif-
ference.

The Wife is ringing in the New Year with an old friend watching
movies…I went to Wolfe’s for dinner but they were closed of all
things…It was 7pm…I couldn’t believe it…What restaurant closes at
7pm on New Year’s Eve???...Well, Wolfe’s obviously…The local didn’t
really interest me – it was filled with people having fun and stuff – so
I went to the convenience store and got a couple of corn dogs and pizza
slices and headed home…I was in bed reading before 10pm.



About the Author

Gaylon Kent – America’s Foremost Humorist – is also the author
of the books The Liberty Handbook, The Regular Guys and Backstairs
at the Monte Carlo: A Vegas Memoir. He also writes the columns The
Daily Dose and The Bottom Ten. All of his work is available at writers-
shack.com.

Gaylon and his wife Marian live in a log cabin in northwest Colo-
rado, where he was the Libertarian Party’s nominee for the United
States Senate in 2014. He is an accomplished high school sports offi-
cial and like his grandfather Gaylon C Kent, commands his American
Legion post.