The Diary of a Nobody 2013/2014

240 The Diary of a Nobody

left it there that night and the cat slept there and last night we out
her bed on top of the bag and it was like old times.

She has also started to recognize when we’ve come home, having
pieced together the sound of us driving up and getting out with the
fact we walk in the door shortly thereafter and she was in the window
of the spare bedroom when I came home from work today.

Bonser and his rugrat Matt over today…Matt updated the Face-
book and Twitter ads we have running and had me post some stuff on
Twitter…He says this is the best way for us to reach the most people.

The kid might be right…The ads have reached about 40,000 peo-
ple so far and the click-through rate is good, too, well above the norm
for ads of this sort…We still realize we are not the odds on favorite,
but we are doing what we can with what we have, which isn’t too
much, but any spoke might lead to the hub.

Matt has ads targeting voters under 30, women and – since Matt
knows one of the few Mexican kids in town – Hispanics...My message
is look, we can only blame the politicians and lobbyists so much, there
comes a time when we must take responsibility for our government
and voting for Sparrow is a great way to do that.

Tuesday October 14
Made the front page of the big city paper today…It wasn’t

much…There was a chart showing the latest poll results in the United
States Senate race…I came in third, way back at three percent, which
aren’t the most inspiring numbers in political history, but when you
little time or money and your own party doesn’t contribute to your
campaign these things happen.

I got pulled over tonight, too, heading home from work!!!...I am not
making that up!!!...For doing 67 in a 65…I know it was 67 because
that’s what cruise control was set to in my new car, and I know it was
a 65 zone because I’ve been driving this stretch on the route every day
for a couple of years.

I only got a warning…One, I was still in my Doily Delivery Com-
pany uniform and the fuzz doesn’t really want to mess with a fellow
worker who packs heat on the job…Neither one of us really faces too
much danger of getting shot, but we’re all part of the fraternity.

October 2014 241

Two, I have a Legion sticker on my back window…I know he saw
it because he asked if I was prior service and we chit-chatted about
life on an old diesel submarine for a bit….There is no reason to give a
vet a ticket in this situation.

Three, I was doing 67 in a 65 for Pete’s sake…If I’m sober and not
on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, there is no reason to give anyone a
ticket in this situation.

The route was very long today…In fact, I was after 9pm when I
got pulled over…One, I hopped today…I am not as fast as Brian and I
am good for adding at least 45 minutes on long days likes this…Plus,
some of the Doily Dispensing Machines (DDMs) acted up and finally
we lost a half hour or so in town due to construction traffic.

Our new bookcase arrived, too!!!...The Wife and I are both pleased
with this because we have still have boxes of books in the spare bed-
room that need to be unpacked and we are anxious to get our cabin
completely unpacked as soon as we can.

I am under instructions, actually orders, from The Wife NOT to
attempt to put this together on my own…Regular readers of this crap
can probably figure out why.

Wednesday October 15
A good day today…A very good day.
First, my team is going to the World Series…The last time the Roy-

als made it to the World Series I was a teenager on an old diesel sub-
marine in the Navy…Now I’m an old man, a homeowner and a
candidate for the United States Senate.

I made it a point to watch the game, too…I haven’t been watching
mainly because we don’t own a

television, yours truly having quit ages ago…We had to the south-
central Alberta run today, so we knocked off about 3:15, I went and
got the mail and retired to a local bar to watch the last half.

The years, of course, give you perspective, so it wasn’t as emo-
tional as when you were a kid, but it was still very nice to see…They
have some time off before the World Series, too, almost a week…Not
sure who they’ll play yet.

242 The Diary of a Nobody

The Wife and I got our ballots in the mail for the election today,
too…I called her to tell her this and joked – and this might well be Line
of the Year – that I’d be filling it in for her, tho she will be required to
sign it.

The Wife actually has her completed already!!!...After voting for her
husband for United States Senate, she voted for other Minor Party
candidates and where there weren’t any she asked who the incumbent
was and when I told her voted for the other person….State judges who
were up and who you voted “yes” or “no” for all got no’ed…If you were
named after one of her kids, tho, you got a check next to your
name…Democracy is in trouble if everyone votes like this.

On the other hand, she did read up on the ballot issues and made
informed choices, so I am proud of her…When we first met she had
never bothered to vote at all, and now she never misses an election.

I am holding out on filling mine out, mainly because I want to stare
at my name as a candidate for United States Senate for awhile.

Thursday October 16
So, who had three (3) weeks in the How Long Will It Take For Spar-

row To Set The Smoke Alarm Off While Cooking In The New House
pool???

Because you win!!!...Nailed it, dead solid perfect.
I was making breakfast for my beloved wife when it happened.
Dangerous, flammable stuff like oatmeal, toast and carrot juice…We
are still none too sure what set it off, tho we doubt it was carrot juice
and even I would have trouble setting off smoke alarms with oatmeal.
So it was probably the toast, tho it was hardly smoking, at least
as I could tell…It did come out a tad darker than normal, but was still
tasty and I still don’t see how the smoke detector got set off.
It’s really no big deal except for my unspoken fear the alarm is
wired in to the fire department somehow and we’ll have fire trucks at
our door, but that never happens.
The Wife has taken the coffee wars to a new level…Last week she
went out and introduced ourselves to our trash man (Tuesdays are
trash days here) and she asked what she could get him for a gratuity

October 2014 243

and he said well, I do like this certain coffee…It’s a pretty common
brand, found even way out here, so I bought a can so The Wife could
try it.

Oh, baby, it is really caffeinated…It makes your average cup of
Starbucks seem like a sports drink and Starbucks is a legal high.

It actually gave me a headache…So now we have three (3) brands
of coffee in the house…We have a normal, store brand blend, which I
kind of like, honestly…It gets you going in the morning without mak-
ing you want to go and build a hospital wing or something…Then we
have The Wife’s new blast coffee fave, and I bought a can of a New
Orleans coffee I’ve always liked…It is blended with chicory, which is
not only tasty, it has a lot less caffeine then my regular blend, so it is
good in the afternoon and I don’t have to worry about The Wife drink-
ing any of it, either.

The new bookcase has arrived, but we haven’t put it up yet…Recall
The Wife forbade me to try it on my own and she has been pulling
some long days at the retailer, so it might be a couple of days before
we get to it.

Friday October 18
Got a phone call while I was on the route today…I was not able to

take the call, but the gentleman was kind enough to leave a message.
The man’s name was Ralph, said he was 70, a “Goldwater/Reagan

conservative” and it was his considered opinion this nation started
going to hell when we failed to elect Barry Goldwater president.

Despite being “basically libertarian” he was not pleased with my
candidacy or, for that matter, the Libertarian Party in general.

You Libertarians only destroy the election and let the Democrats
win. I look at you as a direct, absolute, without a doubt spoiler. I think
it’s awful, you don’t have a chance, you know you don’t have a chance
when you accept the nomination. It’s better to see the Republican win,
better to unite with the Republican Party.

He finished strong, too:
I hope you only get one vote: yours.

244 The Diary of a Nobody

That was funny…Doesn’t he know I’m married and The Wife voted
for me, too???

Anyway, I’ve gotten this from time to time, especially the past week
or so, people saying I have no chance to win so why bother, get out of
the race so I don’t steal votes from their candidate.

This is funny, too, and, if I bothered to dwell on it, probably in-
sulting as well…I am doing what I can with the few time and financial
resources I have trying to rustle up votes…If a major party is threat-
ened by a newcomer who delivers doilies five days a week, I’m not their
biggest problem.

Ralph also invited me – if I had the guts – to call him.
Brian took the day off, so I spent a very pleasant tour with Mike,
who used to be one of the 17 people we answer to at the branch, but
gave it up because he didn’t like it.
Mike and I could be brothers…We are about the same age and
both funny, low key people…Mike spent a lot of time in the clergy and
is would not completely object to returning and has a line or two in
the water.

Saturday October 18
So I called the older gentleman who said I am going to destroy the

election for the Republicans.
There was no answer…I left a cheery, conversational message and

invited him to call me at his leisure.
Finally, we got the book case up!!!....The only flaw was the claim

for really easy assembly – due to some patented something or other –
was a complete crock….Assembly was not easy…Well, it was easy if
you work for the Joseph and Jesus Carpentry Company and can call
in the entire company of heaven if you get confused, but if you’re just
folks, like us Sparrows, it took you a couple of hours of dogged deter-
mination.

The Wife, tho, is good at stuff like this, actually reading the in-
structions and stuff…She made me lay out all the nuts and bolts and
cams and whatnot and she separated all the boards and moldings and
whatnot and we took it step by step….For added security we used the
enclosed bracket and screws and secured it to the wall.

October 2014 245

People are starting to chime in they voted for me…This is very
humbling, earning people’s votes to be their United States Senator.

Sunday October 19
So I wake up for my usual 4am constitutional and I hear my phone

vibrating…I sometimes ignore the phone but at 4am it could be an
emergency plus I am running for the United States Senate and what
if it’s one of the Sunday morning news shows wanting comment on
the World Series or something???

I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t answer it…While I was
enjoying my constitutional the phone rang again, same number, and
this time they left a message and it turned out to be a voter who had
been woken up by a robocalls made on behalf of Sparrow for US Sen-
ate.

I am not making that up!!!...Someone was sending out automated
phone calls in the middle of the night encouraging – actually demand-
ing, as it turned out – they vote Sparrow for United States Senate.

This wasn’t the only communication I had on the matter, ei-
ther…The voicemails had started shortly after midnight and – this be-
ing the second decade of the 21st century and all – there were dozens
of tweets and Facebook messages, plus emails from the contact form
at Sparrow For US Senate.

None of these contacts expressed any level of glee at having been
woken up in the middle of the night.

As I’m fielding these messages it occurred to me that while I am –
obviously – regretful people were inconvenienced, this could be some
good PR for the campaign. So I got to work on a press release….I
noted the facts and threw in some quotes about how no candidate
would purposely annoy people whose votes he was trying to get….I
also noted that I am the entire staff here, so no one was acting on my
behalf…I sent the release to all major newspapers and tee vee and
radio stations.

All this made for a busy day, and I ended up doing two tee vee
interviews via the Internet.

246 The Diary of a Nobody

I thought Bonser was going to need some private time after he
heard the news…He was very excited, doing everything but achieving
and maintaining a state of arousal…He blathered something about
how unless it involves a dead woman or a live boy there is no such
thing as bad publicity – and yapped about political espionage and in-
trigue and crap like that….He really wanted to start a rant about how
a specific major party candidate was behind all this but his rug rat
Matt, all of nine-years-old, counseled patience.

When things started to settle down early in the afternoon, I dug in
to getting the last books unpacked and put into our new bookcase
because both The Wife and I are anxious to get our Forever Home
ready for forever.

Mostly they were The Wife’s books, including a whole shelf of cook-
books, and her National Geographic’s…There were a few books of
mine, too, and now The Wife is free to turn the spare bedroom into
her sewing room…When she got home from work she looked very
pleased.

Things never completely settled down, tho…All told I had several
dozen contacts…I responded to everything except the phone messages
which, early on, I discovered was pointless because all I did was get
yelled and sworn at…Some actually replied back accepting my apology
and a couple of people were so impressed at the way I handled the
matter they said I earned their vote.

Monday October 20
I am turning into a media whore…Another tee vee station called

today looking for a Skype interview and again there was Sparrow tuck-
ing a dress shirt into his boxer briefs, throwing a tie on and answering
some questions.

Bonser thinks it’s interesting tee vee stations have embraced the
story but newspapers, including our local paper, have ignored Ro-
bogate…Bonser’s rug rat Matt said this is all right because no one
reads newspapers anymore anyway.

October 2014 247

Brian had to take a urine test for work…Recall I had to do this a
while back…Actually, he took it a couple of weeks ago but, in prepa-
ration, he had drunk so much water his specimen was too clear for
an accurate result, so he had to go back today.

When I got home from work The Wife, who had the day off, was
washing the windows to our new cabin…They were pretty dirty, dirty
enough so even I had noticed, tho I wasn’t moved to do anything about
them.

When The Wife cleans windows she cleans windows, dam-
mit…None of this Windex and paper towel crap for her, she had a
bucket of water and soap and towels and me standing by with the
hose…We, well she, did them inside and out and we now have the
cleanest windows in town…The Wife said we should be good till
spring.

This was the first use of our hose, and nozzle, too, and I gotta be
honest, I really enjoyed watering the grass of my own lawn for the first
time in my life…It didn’t really need watering, but you know.

In other new house news, The Wife wrote our first mortgage check
tonight…It gave her a great deal of pleasure to do this, and it gave me
a great deal of pleasure to let her sign it…Only 359 more to go.

Tuesday October 21
It appears the Robogate story has run its course…My phone

wasn’t vibrating when I woke up at 4am for my usual constitutional,
I was not trending today and there weren’t any interview requests: I
was just another guy driving the doily delivery truck while running for
the United States Senate in his spare time…Bonser said I should have
an affair or gas cats or something – anything - to keep me in the news.

We made great time today, too, about as good as we’ve ever made,
tho exact records have been forgotten, honestly…It wasn’t even a 13-
hour day and I was home just after 7pm.

One thing The Wife and I are still feeling out in the house is the
heater…It’s a gas heater and we are not entirely sure what the bill is
going to be, tho it wasn’t unreasonable in the old place…Still, tho, we
are keeping the thermostat at 65, which is actually producing a comfy
home.

248 The Diary of a Nobody

Key is Sparrow being able to use the afghan The Wife made for me
last year…There is some zero point in keeping the cabin so warm I
don’t need it, because not only do I like sleeping with it, the cat likes
sleeping on it, too…65 allows me to both use the afghan and not raise
the temperature when I get up.

Wednesday October 22
I think it’s official, Sparrow For US Senate is not trending any-

more…Not only is Robogate forgotten but no new scandal offered itself
today…Even the whackjob who was calling me names on the cam-
paign’s Facebook page has found something else that bothers him.

The Wife’s friend Ann came over to visit yesterday, visiting with
the caretaker for her ranch, Jim who, I think, used to be engaged to
her late daughter and still freeloads at the house…Jim said this wasn’t
his first visit to our cabin, he had actually grown up just down the
street and had been here many times visiting his friends….He noted
the fireplace, more or less where our heating unit is now, had been
removed.

When we were at the old place Ann had given us a roll top
desk…We didn’t have room for it in the old place and we were not,
tragically, able to fit it through either of the doors to the house and we
decided not to do a roof cut and have it lowered it, so Jim and I put
the desk in his truck so Ann could use it in the big house at her ranch.

The grocery store list for today includes both Worcestershire and
soy sauces and deodorant…I’ll go to the local market after work where
the limited selection and somewhat higher prices are one of the
charms of small town life.

Thursday October 23
Well, The Wife cleared me up about shopping at the local mar-

ket…It was funny, her pointing out the charms of shopping at a small
town market will make us broke and we are not to do it unless the
direst of emergencies, like the time we needed a tin of biscuits on real
short notice…So I bought deodorant, toothpaste, oatmeal, soy and

October 2014 249

Worcestershire sauces and a toothbrush in town…Even with that
small requisition The Wife figures we saved a couple-three bucks.

Worked out after work today…Recall when we lived near town I
would work often lift in the morning, return home and get ready for
work on our short days…That isn’t all that practical now that we live
20 miles farther west, and I never did warm up to the idea of going in
really early and changing for work at the gym…I am an early riser and
have gotten to enjoy starting my day at my desk in my new office, with
coffee, when is when I usually write this diary.

The wild card is my workout supplement…If I take it too late it
probably will keep up later than I like…However, I know from experi-
ence it is entirely possible to take it a couple of hours before you
workout and still have it be effective.

So – and this is what makes me a complete maniac – I took it on
the route today, about 10:30am and I was strong a couple of hours
later when I lifted and I got to sleep at more or less my usual time, so
everything worked out.

Friday October 24
An opinion piece I wrote for the local paper ran today, right be-

tween pieces by the two major candidates and I’ll be honest it was
kinda nice seeing little ol’ Sparrow’s byline up there with the big
boys…My piece was better, too.

I talked about us citizens accepting the challenge of making our
government right…I said I had accepted the challenge by running for
the United States Senate and I wanted the voters of our pretty good
state to accept the challenge with me.

I added I favored a flat tax of ten percent because low taxes pro-
duce flourishing economies, that I favored gay marriage because a na-
tion conceived in liberty must extend every liberty to every citizen and
that we cannot have a peaceful world without a peaceful America.

The Wife said she got a several comments about it at work…Since
I spent most of the day on the route out of town, no one said anything
to me about it, though.

250 The Diary of a Nobody

Also, Sparrow for US Senate received yet another email from a
voter who asked why I was running, don’t we realize we have no
chance and he wondered if the Democrats were paying us to run so
we would cause his treasured GOP candidates elections.

I’ll reply this weekend – hopefully before he fills out his ballot –
but it is always fun to get one of these…It’s flattering to think someone
believes I will get enough votes to affect his favored candidates.

It’s also a crock…I am not taking votes from anyone, I am merely
receiving the votes I’ve earned…In fact, to say I am implies this can-
didacy is somehow subordinate to another which, of course, it isn’t…I
am on the same ballot they are.

Saturday October 25
The appliances we inherited in our new cabin are generally in fine

repair…We know the heater is brand new because we made them
change it and The Wife suspects the stove is new, but the washer is
not a hundred percent…When you fill it up the clothes don’t come out
as dry as they should following the spin cycle.

I immediately wanted to put the house back on the market, but
after some thought I decided merely to not load the washer to the brim
from now on…I advised The Wife of this, too.

Sparrow For US Senate received a phone call from a concerned
voter today, too, a college kid…His message said he was looking over
his ballot, was not entirely pleased with either of the two major can-
didates, had looked me up, liked what he saw, but wondered about
my views on the environment, an issue I am not particularly knowl-
edgeable on.

I called him back and told him this, adding I do believe we must
look out for Mother Earth and do everything we can to take care of
her…We had a very nice chat and I told him it was always nice to chat
with a concerned citizen and to call anytime.

The Wife and I were talking about the phone call over dinner and
she has a bit of conspiracy theorist in her, and she said the kid was
probably a major party plant who recorded the conversation…I
laughed and told her I never say or email anything I don’t want to see

October 2014 251

on the front page, so if this was the case they were probably pretty
disappointed.

Speaking of dinner, it was spaghetti night – with meatballs!!!...I
am not making that up!!!...The Wife had made meatballs earlier this
week and she froze some and let me tell you, the will be nominated for
Meatballs of the Year they were that good…We have leftovers, too,
which I am grateful for.

Sunday October 26
More progress getting settled in our new cabin…The second bed-

room will be The Wife’s sewing room, however it still is a repository for
stuff we haven’t used yet but today I got my sports officiating equip-
ment out of there…The large bag containing my baseball gear and a
duffel bag containing football and baseball shirts all went under the
bed….Perhaps I will do those sports next year, but maybe not…I didn’t
do football at all and only did a few baseball games and I didn’t really
miss them…Of course, I am running for the United States Senate so
I’ve been occupied, but still.

My basketball gear is out and ready to go, too…Games won’t start
for a month or so, but the first meeting is tomorrow…The big news is
I have given up being the instructional/rules guy, having passed it off
on Chris, last year’s new guy from Texas who has much more major
division varsity experience than I do and knows how to instruct, too...I
gave the position up willingly, too…I enjoyed it, and I wasn’t too bad
at it, but with the campaign and whatnot I’ve done zero (0) preparation
for the coming season.

So I am not a complete oaf out on the court I went to the gym
today…I’ve been doing cardio in addition weights recently and eating
pretty well, too, although I am pleased to note the uniforms still fit as
well as they did last season.

Monday October 27
The best part of basketball meetings now is they are just down the

street from my house, literally a half mile or so, at the high
school….This is way better than driving 20 miles one way.

252 The Diary of a Nobody

The only problem was only eleven of us showed up…There are
about two dozen of us in the association and we do have a pretty
spread out area and not everyone goes to every meeting, but eleven
for the first one isn’t all that many, especially since the four new guys
Elvis was expecting didn’t show up.

Chris did a good job instructing, but he went a bit long…The whole
meeting took over and hour and a half and Chris yapped for 45
minutes and after about a half hour you start losing people’s interest,
even mine.

Before we went to bed tonight The Wife got the coffee pot ready so
her beloved husband wouldn’t have to fuss with it early in the morn-
ing…After verifying she, in fact, put my favored coffee in there and not
the legal high stuff in the yellow can she likes, I opened the basket to
see how much was in there…Even too much of my normal coffee can
cause you want to go and build a freeway overpass…It was packed full
of coffee.

Uh, honey, how much coffee did you put in there???
The classic Wife pause.
Seven or eight…Maybe nine.
God bless The Wife…I put the coffee back in the can and returned
four (4) scoops to the basket.

Tuesday October 28
Broke dick!
I’ll tell you, ol’ 112030 has had some tough times lately…We were

done with the route and heading out to meet Route 22 so they could
take our doilies back the branch when the truck died, simply decided
its day’s work was done and called it quits…We were about a mile
away from heading up the mountain, so if it was going to break down
better it do it here than heading up the pass, I suppose.

So, not for the first time, we waited…The sheriff even stopped by
to see what was up and it turned out it was Sgt Stu, who is in the
Legion with me…If fact, he is still serving as a major in the Marine
Corps Reserve…After determining we were all right and not in danger
of imminent attack we chatted for a bit…Sgt Stu said he would be
unable to attend our Veteran’s Day appearances, which is too bad

October 2014 253

because Sgt Stu cuts a striking figure in his dress blues…This is a
total contrast to yours truly in his Navy crackerjacks, which, frankly,
look kinda of silly on anyone over 30 tho I hasten to point out mine
still fit 30 years later.

So tomorrow could be a mess…Kyle, one of the 17 people we ap-
pear to work for at the branch, called and said he will send another
route up with a working truck and some doilies, because we are put-
ting fresh doilies in a new Doily Dispensing Machine Wednesday…(By
the by, Brian removed the doilies today…I think they might be replac-
ing the machine, or maybe moving it…We simply don’t know)…We
also have to make our biweekly Southern Alberta run, so who the hell
knows what will transpire tomorrow.

And, because you cannot transport doilies with only one person,
we will have no less than four (4) Doily Delivery Company personnel
on hand for tomorrow’s route, all of us armed…So don’t try to steal
our doilies, dammit…One of us will shoot you.

FYI: broke dick is an old Navy term used when your ship was un-
able to get underway…Also popular was the term “tits up” which gen-
erally referred to specific pieces of gear that weren’t working…If
enough pieces of gear were tits up, you were broke dick.

Wednesday October 29
Despite a new truck having to be sent up from the branch for our

route today, it appeared I was going to be able to watch my team play
Game 7 of the World Series.

Then we broke down again!!!
I am not making that up…Broke dick on consecutive days which,
frankly, is rather bad for morale.
Here’s the whole sordid day…
Brian and I met at the storage unit where we keep the truck at the
usual Wednesday time, 9am…The branch had said they would send
another truck up – not for the first time, of course – and they’re usu-
ally pretty good about getting here around nine or so.
We established communications with the guys bringing the truck
up but they announced they weren’t going to be here until almost

254 The Diary of a Nobody

noon...It turns out their truck didn’t have sufficient transmission fluid
so they headed back to the branch to get it fixed.

I had planned to spend the day in town even bringing civilian
clothes to change into after work…I had, tho, forgotten my laptop, so
I went home because I wanted to use my laptop…So I’m home and
about 10:15 or so our old friend Melis called from the storage unit
wondering where the hell we were…He had driven up in his personal
car because the branch had sent some doilies up to be put in a DDM
and that required two people to transport and since they were drop-
ping the truck off Melis was going to drive them back.

Melis was unaware the truck had turned back, thought they were
right behind him, and was surprised to find out they wouldn’t be here
till noon or so.

They actually got here about 11:130 and we finally get on the road
about noon, which isn’t too bad…We had to make the southern Al-
berta run today and all told it takes about six hours which would put
me at Carl’s Bar right about at first pitch.

So we’re heading out of a town following the next to last stop and
the truck starts lurching, intermittently at first but after a few minutes
it’s really bad and pretty soon the truck isn’t going faster than 15 mph
and it’s even complaining fervently about that

So we pull over…We are in a very remote part of an already remote
part of the state and we are lucky to have cell service…It takes a cou-
ple of hours to get a tow truck there and over an hour to get back to
town and by the time we get to the tow shop – where our other truck
is waiting to be serviced or towed – Game 7 is in the ninth inning and
my team is down 3-2 and they get a runner on third in the bottom of
the inning but the evil opponents have a pitcher throwing who is hav-
ing the finest postseason ever and it’s tough to beat someone pitching
for the History books and the tying run was left on third.

Time gives you wisdom and perspective if you’re open to it – and it
was hard to be disappointed…This whole month, after 29-years of
waiting, was a treat, the very best, sort of like having a month of birth-
days.

October 2014 255

Dave and Galena – a middle aged Russian émigré who works in
the branch’s vault – made it up about 10pm…Dave is a mechanic and
he looked at both trucks long enough to figure out he wasn’t going to
be able to fix either of them…After fiddling with one he had me test
drive it but it still no go and we transferred the doilies that were going
back and I got home about 11:30pm.

October 30
Ended up with the day off today.
I met my goal of sleeping in, too…Of course, I was up for my usual

4:30am constitutional and I usually stay up, put some coffee on and
write this diary, but since the route today was up in the air I went
back to sleep and was up around 8…About 9am Brian texted and said
we had the day off.

The Wife had the day off, too, and she wasn’t up till 9:30 or so and
we went to breakfast down the street at Wolfe’s…I had hotcakes and
they were extra crispy on the edges, just like I’ve liked them since I
was a boy when Grandpa used to make them that way.

Or maybe it was Dad who used to make them that way…I can’t
really remember now…It was one of them, tho, I do remember that.

Ended up talking with a voter, too, a gentleman in his 50’s…As
usual when a voter want to talk I spent virtually the whole time lis-
tening and I’ve learned it’s best not to interrupt a voter when they are
talking, either.

I’ve also learned how to get out of these conversations, too, be-
cause brother, they can last all day of you let them. When there’s a
break in the action you apologize profusely but say you do have to
leave and say how nice it was to chat with him.

Afterwards, The Wife was putzing around in the garden when our
friend Josh, who has lived in town all his life, stopped by… The Wife
used to work with Josh when we first got to town…He’s 20 or so and
spent most of the summer in Florida working a fishing boat and he
announced it was the first time he’d seen the ocean…The experience
apparently had a profound effect on him.

Josh: There’s mermaids out there.
The Wife: Did you see them?

256 The Diary of a Nobody

Josh: No, but I believe they’re there.
The Wife: I do, too.
Tomorrow’s route is still up in the air, too…Friday is a busy, with
lots of stops that sorta have to get done so hopefully they’ll crap a
truck for us to use.

Friday October 31
The route got run today but the only truck they had available for

us was a really big truck that requires a commercial license to drive
which neither Brian or I had so Brian, willingly, took the day off so he
could work on his Halloween costume.

So I worked with a rather pleasant sort named Dave today…Dave
has a friendly face and good nature and we spent a good part of the
time each doing imitations of Ralph…Regular readers of this crap will
recall Ralph used to be the trainer at the Doily Delivery Company and
is of German descent…We do Ralph imitations because we like Ralph
and Dave was so thrilled with Ralph imitations he actually talked in
his lousy German accent a good part of the day, which was kinda
funny.

For the second time at the Doily Delivery Company I had an inci-
dent…Like the first one, it was rather minor and easily handled my
yours truly, but this could’ve been something...Here’s the deal:

We’re in town and I’m servicing a Doily Dispensing Machine…I had
just started and this kid, about 20 or so, with a mop of black hair
walks up like he wants to use it…I tell him it will be about 15 minutes
or so...This did not find favor with him and he started swearing at
me…I told him to back away…He continued to swear at me and an-
nounced he wasn’t going anyplace.

This could be trouble...I am packing, of course, and anyone stupid
enough to act like a dufus to someone packing is stupid enough to
actually try something…I radioed Dave, who was parked about 30 feet
behind me, to stand by to call the police and told the kid he could
either leave or deal with the cops and that right now it was his call
but soon it would be mine.

October 2014 257

He saw my point…He saved some face by calling another name
and invoking the Son of Man, but he left.

Christmas stuff is already going up…I was at a drug store towards
the end of the day and Jarod, the manager, was giving instructions to
his supervisors about how it was supposed to go and whatnot and I
told him, you know, I would completely object to having Christmas
stuff go up the week of Thanksgiving but he said the home office wants
every store “Christmas ready” by next week.

I drove my new car down to Town A to meet Dave and the truck…I
was there before everyone else and I'm at my trunk putting my utility
belt on when a lady comes up to me…I had seen her putting oil in her
car…She asked me if the check engine coming on meant her car was
about to break.

This crap happens all the time…I look like a regular guy and look
equally at home in a company uniform and a suit and she naturally
presumed I know a lot about cars, standing there in my uniform and
all.

I don’t…I do have experience with engine lights coming on and told
her based on my experience she was probably OK to continue her
journey, but it should be checked out as soon as she could get it
looked at…I added it was a fairly simple check and some places would
do it for free…She seemed relieved to have been told her car was not
in imminent danger of exploding.



November 2014

Saturday November 1
Voted for myself today…For the United States Senate…You know,

I realize I have never been the odds on favorite to win, but I am on the
same ballot they are and it was kinda neat-o seeing my name up there
with the big boys.

It’s a mail-in election, and I went into town to work out and
dropped our ballots off at the courthouse…I am not entirely sure how
secure mail-in elections are, but I am not entirely sure they’re not
either.

I also spent no small amount of time today bombing Twitter with
posts…I’ve been doing this steadily for the past month or so because
it is the only way I have to reach large numbers of people…It’s not
particularly likely I am convincing the half-million people or so people
required to win, however, I am steadily gaining new followers, most of
them young and all of them completely dissatisfied with the status
quo.

The workout was good, too…With basketball season coming up, of
course, I want to be strong…My own theory is while a high school
basketball official doesn’t have to be in shape to run a triathlon, he
should be able to do consecutive games at full speed and not have to
be carried off the floor…My cardio sessions are on a machine and con-
sist of 30 minutes of interval training…You do two minutes at a base
level then one minute at a max level.

The base level is one you could do for 30 minutes…On this partic-
ular machine that level is eight…The max level is, well, the max level
you can do and on this machine I do a minute at level 20, which is
the highest the machine can go…Last year this produced a satisfac-
tory fitness level

Despite The Wife’s edict prohibiting shopping at the small, local
market, I went there today anyway…We needed a couple of things and

260 The Diary of a Nobody

I was in no mood to drive the 20 minutes to the larger stores…I was
there and back in seven minutes.

Sunday November 2
The Wife is sickies!!!
She started coming down with a cold today at work and when she

came home I was ready with some medicine that makes you sleep and
chicken soup and I tucked her into bed really early.

Come to think of it, I was in bed early, too.
To show my usefulness as a husband I made breakfast the past
two mornings…Saturday I made oatmeal and carrot juice for The Wife
before work…This is a great way to start the day, and I will usually
have it before a full day of sports officiating, and it sent The Wife to
work, when combined with her nuclear powered coffee, ready to build
an overpass.
Today I made hotcakes…As usual, following the instructions on
the box produced a paste and not a satisfactory batter, so I kept fid-
dling with it, adding water, then mix and whatnot, until not only did
I have a satisfactory mix/water ratio, I had enough batter to feed the
fleet…Rather than save the batter, we make hotcakes and save them.
Neither of the two broken doily delivery trucks that are up here
have been fixed and we have no idea whether or not the route will be
run tomorrow.

Monday November 3
No route today…There wasn’t a truck for them to send up and I

am not completely enthused about the possibility of running Tuesday,
either.

Route 20 appears to be one of those top secret spy agencies no-
body wants to talk about because I got a call today from Roberto, one
of the 17 people at the branch we appear to work for, asking what
truck number we used on our route today and he seemed surprised
to find out we didn’t run…He said he’d talk to Kyle which made it
seem like Kyle was somehow forgetting about us which is hardly the
case.

November 2014 261

The Wife, who is feeling much better, had the day off so we took
the opportunity to go look at snow blowers…Shoveling snow can be
tough when there’s a lot of it and we are not as young as we used to
be, honestly…Key for The Wife is one that is driven, meaning we don’t
have to push it, it moves under its own power and also has an electric
starter…We found one that has both and we’re prepared to buy one
but it had already been bought!!!...So they will get us one…Should be
here in about a week or so.

We made our first field repair in the house today, too…We have
one of those air mattresses and the power cord for the pump broke in
two…It had been damaged at the old place when something or another
landed on it…I forget what…The pump still worked, tho, but even I
know it can’t work when it’s broke in two.

I looked into ordering another pump, but that was over $200…We
have $200, but there is no sense in spending it when we don’t have to
because The Wife confirmed my suspicions we could probably fix it.

Of course, I am completely useless in these situations, but it
turned out to be an easy repair…We already had that thingy you use
to strip the covering off a wire and all we really needed to buy was
some electrical tape and voila, $200 saved…The Wife being The Wife,
she immediately deducted the savings from the cost of the snow
blower, so we are really getting a deal in it.

Had to take the test at the basketball refs meeting tonight…Offi-
cially, tests help determine the level of games you get, but not re-
ally…One, there are people who take great tests who can’t officiate
their way out of a paper bag and there are those, like o’ Sparrow, who
get solid but not great scores on tests and do really good work in
championship games.

Two, like a lot of places, we are really short of officials up here, but
you got to play the game…So we took the test…I did well…I
think…They are actually sent to the state office for grading.

Oh, yeah, I am up for election to the United States Senate tomor-
row.

Tuesday November 4
Despite the Robocall scandal, we didn’t win.

262 The Diary of a Nobody

This is not the biggest surprise in election history…Recall we
started from scratch, getting nominated in March at a convention we
couldn’t be bothered to attend and I deliver doilies five (5) days a week
and if we ever had more than a few hundred dollars in the Sparrow
For US Senate fund it wasn’t there long, so almost 50,000 votes prob-
ably isn’t too bad…It was more than the other small party and inde-
pendent candidates and some research shows it was the most by any
non-major party candidate in a US Senate election ever in this state,
so our time and efforts weren’t complete wasted.

But we lost….The Wife said she was proud of me and still loved
me, so that’s good.

Wednesday November 5
The Wife said she found a dead cat in the driveway today, right

where I usually park my car…She said there weren’t any signs of it
having been attacked and wondered how to get rid of it. I told her call
the police, it’s a small town and they probably have nothing better to
do anyway…Later she reported, after getting busy signals the first
three or four times, the lady said just box it up and throw it in the
trash.

Finally got back on the route today…Our old friend Saul, whom
you remember from when he came and requalified us on our weapons
over the summer, brought up a truck for us to use…Since it had doi-
lies in it he came up with a new guy named Antonio and since those
two had to be transported back to the branch, our old friend Heleke,
he from Ethiopia, drove his car up.

It was a long day, especially since Saul and crew were running an
hour or so late, but the truck didn’t break down, so we were pleased.

Kind of an interesting feeling…This time yesterday I was candidate
for the United States Senate, and I had spent the past few months
doing TV interviews and talking to reporters and voters and generally
being on the periphery of one of the most competitive US Senate races
in the country…That’s over, tho, and now I am back to being regular
ol’ Sparrow, husband, working man and daddy to our cat.

November 2014 263

Thursday November 6
Two consecutive days without breaking down!!!...The two trucks

that were up here at the tow yard have been shipped back to the
branch, too, two of seven that are currently down, according to what
Saul said yesterday, although I think that’s down to six because I
talked to Kyle yesterday and he said he was off picking one up from
the repair place.

It was a long route, though, over four hours, about an hour longer
than we usually go on Thursday, but we are up to date after not run-
ning Monday and Tuesday…All deposits have been picked up and all
deliveries made.

After the route I went and lifted and did some cardio, in further
preparation for basketball season…Afterwards I went and visited The
Wife at work…She showed me the juicers they carried…None looked
really great, honestly…We’re in the market for one because ours
stopped working today.

Editor’s Note: Sparrow took Friday and Saturday off!

Sunday November 9
After spending the weekend in the big city for a sports officials

conference, I met The Wife in Town A, where we meet Route 21 every
Friday, for some shopping…The Wife had the day off and was in the
mood to spend some money…The Wife is a good steward of our money
and she doesn’t waste it and I’ve learned over the years when she is
of a mind to do this it is best to go along with it even tho I do not enjoy
shopping for women’s clothes any more than most guys.

She bought clothes, and some stuff for the house at one of those
big home stores…Included were some of those tall orange and white
snow sticks which The Wife wants to put on our driveway so we don’t
park in the yard when the snow comes.

I also bought some gloves…I wear gloves year round on the route
and I have more gloves than you might think…I have gloves for good
weather, mainly to keep my hands clean when delivering doilies, and
I now have two pairs of gloves for cold weather…No, make that three
pairs…One is for the most extreme, bitter cold…The other is for rou-
tine winter cold and so is the other pair, now that I think about it.

264 The Diary of a Nobody

I even have a pair of gloves reserved exclusively for fueling the doily
truck…I am not making that up!!!...Diesel fuel tends to spill, at least
when I fuel the truck up, and the tank cap is always dirty and heaven
forbid ol’ Sparrow gets his hands – or worse, his treasured gloves –
dirty with diesel fuel, so I keep a pair handy just for fueling operations.

I spent two nights in the big city…This isn’t long but it is always
nice to be home, especially since we’re homeowners now and we live
in a charming small town…I grew up in a big city and I used to enjoy
it but now I don’t see how people put up with it…The hotel parking lot
was bigger than the town I lived in, it seemed like.

Monday November 10
The Wife is making curtains with her new sewing machine…Both

are for the kitchen, one for the window on the door and another for
window over the sink…She has a knack for stuff like this and they are
going to look really good, tho right now she is still fussing with them
and they are more or less fabric hanging from a rod right now…Last
week she made a Christmas tablecloth and napkins that are of such
fine quality any fine department store would be happy to sell them

The route was very long today…Tomorrow is, of course, Veteran’s
Day and we are off, not because we’re veterans but because the banks
are closed, and so we did two of the Doily Dispensing Machines today
because they would not make it until Wednesday…OK, and I got the
first winter’s driving of the season in today.

The weather here has been rather warm and dry and this was the
first real snow we’d had in town, which is kinda late for the first
snow…Our first year hear the first snow came on October 8 and we
are prepared for it any time after Labor Day…Of the four times we
crossed the pass, the second time, returning to town for the first time,
with our doilies, was the worst…About 30 mph the whole way.

As usual during the snow you take it slow…There’s no rush…The
day will end when the day ends and better to end it at home than in
a crashed doily truck…You leave plenty of room between you and the
car in front of you (four seconds is official Doily Delivery Company
policy and I usually clock in at about five) and DO NOT DO ANYTHING

November 2014 265

QUICKLY!!!....This is key...Vehicles do not like to be told to do any-
thing quickly in a snowy road…Do not brake quickly, do not accelerate
quickly and do not steer quickly…Stay mellow.

Despite this we returned to Town A about 5pm, not too bad, but
Route 21 was stuck on a pass on the interstate…We thought it was
because of the weather but it turned out someone had rammed a state
trooper’s car and they immediately went DefCon 1 and shut everything
down.

Still no word on our usual truck, 112030, which broke a couple
of weeks ago.

Since I was gone all day The Wife took care of getting the snow
tires put on…We needed new ones this year and, of course, I man-
dated the top of line snow tires because you get what you pay for and
knowing The Wife has the best on her car is great peace of mind for
ol’ Sparrow.

They do make a difference…Not a huge difference…You can’t go
out driving like an idiot in them however, a couple years ago we rented
a car over the winter and this car did not have snow tires and I could
tell the difference, maybe a five percent difference and that can some-
times mean the difference between staying on the road and not staying
on the road.

We got three seasons out of our old ones, which is about average,
I hear.

Tuesday November 11
A rather busy Veterans Day…It was my first as Post Commander

I had my share of duties, just like on Memorial Day.
I showed my suitability for command by oversleeping and barely

making breakfast at the Post, a Veterans Day tradition here in
town…Fortunately the men were able to handle breakfast without my
leadership.

Our first stop was a local grade school, where the fifth graders put
on their usual Veterans Day show consisting of songs and some his-
tory of the holiday…The music teacher there, whose name I am
ashamed to say I don’t remember, is rather good at what he does, and
the kids put on a smart, fun show.

266 The Diary of a Nobody

Then we went to the retirement home, so say hi to the veterans
there…There a few of them, too…Tony, who commands the VFW post,
and I did the honors…I said a few remarks at the beginning, talking
about how one of life’s great prizes was looking back on honorable
service to your country and an even greater prize was honoring those
who came before us.

The greatest prize line is not original…I stole it from a long-ago
episode of Dragnet where Bill Gannon had dragged Joe Friday to a cop
prayer breakfast and the chaplain had started his prayer saying they
were there to gather for one of life’s great prizes: the opportunity to
work hard at work worth doing…It’s a pretty good line, and it was nice
to be able to be able to reappropriate it.

Tony, assisted by a nurse named Charity who introduced the vet-
erans, gave them pins and then we both issued the vet a hand sa-
lute…After we were done I commanded all Post and VFW members to
come attention, and issued the orders that will cause a group of men
to render a hand salute.

We also gave corsages to widows of veterans…One lady had two
(2) husbands who were veterans, and she wept when she got hers,
leading me to thank her for being a good wife to two (2) veterans, be-
cause being a spouse of a service member ain’t easy sometimes.

Another lady, who was no younger than 90, flirted with Tony,
too…After he had given her her corsage, she exclaimed, “My, aren’t
you a handsome young man!” which was pretty funny…Afterward I
told Tony I was jealous and he should’ve issued her a deep soul kiss
along with her hand salute, just for funsies.

After that we went to a local diner that doesn’t charge vets to eat
there on Veterans Day…About ten (10) of us went and we all tipped
well, of course…I had a three cheese burger and some fries.

Then I commanded a squad of vets who went to the city council
chambers to talk with some kids from a small private school and the
kids who are home schooled, and there are a few of those in town…I
talked a bit about the history of Veterans Day and my time in the
Navy, on an old diesel submarine, which I pointed out do not exist in
the our navy anymore…I asked if anyone knew what kind of power

November 2014 267

submarines used today and one kid actually knew it was nuclear
power.

There were about seven us there, and we had all branches there
except for the Coast Guard, but there is only one Coastie in the Post
and Tim couldn’t make it today, altho I did have breakfast with his
mom and dad.

The kids asked a lot of questions, too, practical stuff like how did
you get your food delivered to you and where the war you fought was
and did you have to provide your own weapons, which was completely
adorable.

Wednesday November 12
Looking at the coverage of yesterday’s ceremonies in the newspa-

per, the esteemed Post Commander was, as usual, ignored.
I don’t understand this…They completely ignored my US Senate

campaign, too…It’s a small town paper, almost by definition a resident
who commands the local Post and runs for the United States Senate
should make news but no.

Stanko, however, was in there left and right, including one of him
sitting at a school with his comb over framed between the national
colors and the POW flag that probably made everyone want to go right
out and enlist right there…Stanko’s mug is in all coverage of the
Post…Every single one…It’s as if he has blackmail pics of the photo
editor…There wasn’t even a shot of my rear end in the background –
of a shot of Stanko, of course – like on Memorial Day.

Almost 17 hours on the route today…And this was with good
weather and mostly good roads, too!!!...I am not making that up.

The day got off to a great start with our truck’s auxiliary air sys-
tem, which provides air for our suspension, taking over a half hour to
charge…Something or another froze and it took that long to thaw
out…There is nothing to do but wait it out, too, there’s no magic spray
or anything like that …It was all academic because Route 24 was an
hour-and-half late because of a blizzard in the big city and we didn’t
get out of Town C until a tad after noon.

I took a few minutes towards the end of the route to see The Wife
at work…We stop there as part of our route and we really hadn’t seen

268 The Diary of a Nobody

each other since the shopping invasion on Sunday because she’s been
pulling some later shifts and I am usually asleep when she gets
home…Neither one of us is pleased with this, but it’s the way it is right
now, so we are adapting.

And we had two (2) bonus hours added to the route, too!!!...They’re
still short trucks, so Route 22 didn’t run, meaning we had to drive all
the way to Town A at the end, instead of Town B, which is only an
hour away...Fortunately we had good weather and good roads…We
are grateful for that, altho Brian was whining left and right about the
heater in the back compartment not really putting out all that much
hot air…He was so annoyed mid-afternoon he called Kyle – one of the
17 or so people we appear to work for at the branch – demanding a
status report on our regular truck, 112030…Eventually a mechanic
told him it still at the dealer, awaiting a part.

Thursday November 13
Picked up our snow blower today…I was a the ranch supply store

at the town down the road for some stuff and I asked the girl if she
could check on it and she did, then this older, really thin, friendly
looking man came out and said it was in, assembled and ready to be
picked up…I didn’t ask why they hadn’t called us cause snow’s falling
now and people will need their snow blowers, but what the heck.

I don’t know why, but I put a bike lock we had lying around on the
snow blower, securing it to the car port wall…We live in a small where
jaywalking is considered a major crime, and we could probably leave
it on the front porch and reasonably expect it to be there, but why give
someone the temptation, you know???.

I also bought a nice warm coat for The Wife…She was at work and
other really warm coat got lost in the move and the high today was ten
degrees, so I wanted my wife to have a warm coat today, so I went and
bought one without her…In the brutal cold you don’t shop for style,
you shop for warmth and I got her a something warm because I’m a
good husband and I want my wife to be warm.

The Wife also got some really warm socks, too…I bought me some
last winter and The Wife, for reasons I’m sure she thought were good,

November 2014 269

declined her own pair, but she was jealous, I could tell, so I bought
her some, too.

Very cold on the route and Brian was right, the heater in the rear
compartment isn’t all that great, but I was warm…I had on a cold gear
base layer, plus my arctic wool socks and plus the company issue
warm jacket and wool beanie with company logo on it.

The beanie, which we called watch caps in the Navy but is a term
that confuses everyone so I don’t use it tho I prefer it, has the company
logo on one side and the company name written on the other…I wear
mine with the logo out front, tho Brian wears his with the logo in the
back.

Also, and this makes me a total maniac, I think, I wore my new
boot covers…They are not really for warmth, per se, altho the nylon
does retain some heat, but mainly bought them because I was tired of
having wet feet for most of the winter…They’re quality stuff,
too…Completely waterproof, with Velcro and a buckle and a barrel
clasp in the back.

Look, I learned a long time ago sports officiating you fork over for
quality cold weather stuff…Better to be warm than cold...So even if
the heater in the back compartment doesn’t work, ol’ Sparrow is still
warm.

Also, Brian said he has Friday off to go test for a police department
near the big city…He said, tho, that Kyle – one of the 17 people we
seem to answer to at the branch – said his request was denied and if
he called off there could be problems…I just hope if we are too short-
handed to run the route I am told today and not really early tomorrow
morning…I would not present violent objection to this either…Be-
tween a 15-hour day, a 17-hour day, a paid day off and a normal day
today I’ve made enough this week.

Friday November 14
Elvis, the area director for basketball officials, emailed me and

said I got a 90 on the rules test I took a couple of weeks ago…This
isn’t a bulletin, I was the rules guy for the association last year, of

270 The Diary of a Nobody

course, not to mention a championship game official, and I was cer-
tain I did good, but you never really know until the state association
tells you for sure.

90 is about as good as I am going to get…There are higher scores
in the association, but as I told the guys last year during a training
session, you don’t officiate in a classroom…You gotta know the rules,
and a high test score is nice and crap, but we all know people who
can virtually ace a test but who you don’t want to work a big game
with...Conversely, there are some really good refs, refs whom you do
want on your crew in a big game, who get only above average scores,
or even average scores…Personally, I think all ref tests should be open
book, everyone gets a hundred percent, and let’s build an official from
there.

I’d like to thank all those who caused World War I for making this
one hell of a long week…The Tuesday holiday ensured I had days of
15, 16 and 17 hours…Good gravy, all I did was work this week.

Another marathon yesterday…I left the house at 5:20am and got
home at 1215am…The roads were slow and we had to do the southern
Alberta run which added a couple of hours and by the time we got to
Town A to meet Route 21 it was, IIRC, almost 8pm

And they weren’t there!!!...The branch is so short of trucks they
are combining routes and 21 was off farting around somewhere else
and I didn’t start heading home until almost 9pm

Brian, by the by, did end up with the day off…My partner was a
young, whining kid named P…P is a pretty good driver, tho, so I am
not complaining too loudly…Plus The Wife packed me a good lunch.

Saturday November 15
The Wife got a heated mattress pad for our bed…We have a big

one and one of the reasons our marriage is good is we sleep with sep-
arate blankets and stuff cause The Wife tosses and turns and can be
rather labor intensive to sleep with.

I long ago stopped trying to understand The Wife’s sleeping hab-
its…Here is last night’s lineup:

- Heated mattress pad
- Sheet

November 2014 271

- Two blankets, plus bead spread
- Long fleece jammies
I am not making any of this up…While I didn’t use my half of the
heated mattress pad – I kinda like warming up a cold bed – her side
was turned up so high I’m surprised she didn’t sizzle.
And to top all this off – and this is something I will go to my grave
not understanding – The Wife sleeps with her bare feet exposed!!!...I
am not making this up!!!...I tuck her in, bundled up as if she were
shipping out Operation Deep Freeze, and she leaves her feet exposed!!!
Ol’ Sparrow, meanwhile, sleeps comfortably with a sheet, an old
comforter I’ve had since the bachelor days, and the afghan The Wife
made me…Sometimes I will sleep with my slippers on, but that’s usu-
ally only when I forget to take them off.
I also got some floor mats for my new car…The floor really takes a
beating in winter.
That was about all I did today…It was nice not putting in an 18-
hour day.

Sunday November 16
When we first moved here we had engine heaters installed on both

our cars…The Wife’s turned out not to be all that good and our second
winter here she jerry-rigged a shop light contraption that actually
worked rather well.

So that’s what we did with my new car…We went shopping last
night and The Wife, who used to be a girl scout leader and can impro-
vise things like this, took car everything and even set it up for me…I
am not so useless I couldn’t have set it up myself, but she was deter-
mined.

It was a savings of several hundred dollars…We’re not broke, but
we’re not made of money, either, of course, and several hundred dol-
lars is several hundred dollars and it keeps the oil from turning to
sludge just the same.

We could’ve used a heat producing shop light at the Mexican joint
we ate at last night…God, it was cold in there…We ate and went shop-
ping in a town in the next county, and they have the only decent Mex-
ican joint in the area…Not restaurant…The town we used to live in

272 The Diary of a Nobody

has nice Mexican restaurants, of course, but a good Mexican joint – a
dive where you can walk in and get good Mexican food is hard to find
up here…It was cold enough inside you didn’t really want to finish
your burrito because it was doing heroic duty as a hand warmer.

The Sneak-A-Cup feature on our coffee pot has already bro-
ken!!!...I am not making that up!!!.…We’ve had this pot less than a
year…In fact, regular readers of this crap may well recall ol’ Sparrow
buying it last spring, while The Wife was gone…Or you may not.

Practically, this isn’t the biggest problem in human history…I am
done with my morning constitutional about the time coffee is ready
and I seldom actually use the Sneak-A-Cup feature – which allows you
to our a cup of coffee while it is still brewing without getting coffee all
over the goddamned counter – but it is bad for morale…It’s nice know-
ing it’s there if you need it.

While cold, the weather should be clear this week, so we shouldn’t
have 17 and 18-hour days like we did last week.

Monday November 17
I have given up hope of every having a normal day at work…The

truck gave us problems again, the air suspension system wouldn’t
charge, and Magic Martin had to come and fix it…Unfortunately, the
repair wasn’t instantaneous and Martin was wasn’t immediately avail-
able besides, then once we did get back on the road we had to come
to All-Stop so Brian could take his dog to the vet and I didn’t get home
till 7pm, missing an afternoon with The Wife, who had the day off.

The Wife had a great dinner waiting for me, too…Fried chicken
thighs…With biscuits…And peas…All favorites…She wanted to try a
recipe…A recipe is good because The Wife is notorious for working
without them and creating masterpieces I will never have again be-
cause she didn’t write the recipe down…But she assures me we will
have this again.

Afterwards we played two games of checkers…This was The Wife’s
idea, and it’s great because we seldom have a day off together and it
lately it seems all we’ve been doing is sleeping and going to work…We
agreed to a best-of-seven series to start and The Wife appeared to be
under the impression she would win four straight, illusions that were

November 2014 273

shattered, rather heartbreakingly, actually, after I wiped the floor with
her in the opener.

She came back strong in game two, forcing me into a dignified
concession when we both had two pieces left, but I was trapped.

Tuesday November 19
Finally got around to registering my new car today.
It was a splendid and historic car registration session, too because

instead of ol’ Sparrow paying a couple-three hundred bucks, the
county is actually rebating me.

I am not making that up!!!...Here are the details:
I get there and present myself at the window and Pam goes and
gets my paperwork and there is a note on there…It seems the check
the big city dealer sent for taxes and whatnot, which I had paid when
I bought the car, was for over $300 more than what was actually
owed…She was not entirely sure what to do with the extra cash, so
she called the dealer and the saint in their title department instructed
her to apply it towards registration costs.
God bless this person…I didn’t do a complete audit of the figures,
but Pam said after everything was factored in, the county had $143.22
more than it required for this transaction…They don’t disburse cash
at the DMV, of course, but a check would be sent in a couple of weeks.
In other news from the Car Registration Desk, I declined to get a
personalized plate…I was considering getting the US Navy veteran
plate the state offers, but I couldn’t personalize it, so I said no…It was
fifty extra dollars for the Navy plate which, of course, would’ve been
free since I wasn’t paying anything in the first place, but it would’ve
cut into my $143.22 refund of the dealer’s money, and, honestly, I
didn’t see any reason to pay more of their money for what amounts to
government permission to do something.
I was able to register my car today because – and this will surprise
you – we had another non-normal day at work!!!…We are on the road
in the next county about 7am when the work phone rang.
Right then you knew something bad was happening…It’s too early
for our usual insurance spam calls, so it can only be the
branch…Turns out Route 24, the route we meet on Tuesdays, broke

274 The Diary of a Nobody

down…Imagine that!!!...A Doily Delivery Company truck breaking
down…We were as shocked as you were.

So we found the McDonalds, shut the truck down and went inside
to wait…As it turned out Rt 24 was done for the day, so we did our
usual in town route and we were done at the usual time.

I delivered today at Brian’s request and I saw Bob M at a
bank…Bob is a member of the Post and ran for the GOP nomination
for Congress in 2010 and we think a lot alike…He moved recently, but
was in town for something or another and he asked about the cam-
paign and he said he was involved in a Post in his new town, tho it
was distressing because they don’t have an honor guard like we do
here.

Wednesday November 20
I had a birthday recently – an occasion I stopped celebrating years

ago because there are better ways to mark the passing of a life, like
running for the United States Senate – and the branch sent up their
usual card and coffee mug to help commemorate this deeply insignif-
icant occasion.

What was funny was I did not recognize everyone who signed the
card…Recall I am fond of joking there appears to be 17 people Brian
and I work for at the branch and all of them seemed to have signed
the card and I only recognized a few of them….I think I’ve met two.

This isn’t a bulletin, of course…Since completing training I have
been to the branch exactly twice.

Another 17-hour day…I think I am only going to write about work
when we have a normal day with zero (0) truck issues….Maybe by next
summer that will happen…Maybe not.

Thursday November 21
The Wife went to the town council meeting tonight…I am not en-

tirely sure why she went to our town’s council meeting and you’re
probably not, either, but she was determined.

A long time ago, another life, really, ol’ Sparrow plied the newspa-
per reporter trade in a small town and spent my share of time at mu-
nicipal government meetings and unless the mayor has been dealing

November 2014 275

coke out of his office they are usually pretty dull, but The Wife not
only went, she took notes, too and was able to provide a full report.

Evidently the water treatment plant remains out of compliance…I
told her the water treatment plant has been on the agenda of every
municipal government meeting since the founding of the republic and
they are never in compliance, but that only increased their enthusi-
asm…She added Wilbur farted while at the podium, airport is looking
for a new director (it’s actually the county’s airport, not our town’s,
but it’s adjacent and, I think, the town actually annexed it years ago)
and Jared, who I see every Friday on the route and who also lives in
town, is trying to open a microbrewery, so they made him town plan-
ning commissioner, which I thought was funny because there really
isn’t a whole lot going on it town and I haven’t noticed a whole lot of
demand for a microbrewery.

Which is why we moved there…Our town has about 1,200 resi-
dents and there isn’t a whole lot going on and we like it that
way…There is the pizza place, and the bar and that’s about it for eat-
ing and drinking…There was a steak house on the west end of town
but that closed, and the BBQ joint that replaced it didn’t last a hell of
a long time, either, so Jared has his work cut out for him making a
microbrewery work, but he’s a nice kid with some ambition, tho some-
times small towns do a nice job of sucking the ambition right out of
you, so we’ll see.

Friday November 21
Got the first basketball ref assignments of the season today, four

(4) games December 6th, a Saturday…Judging by the looks of it, they
appear to be games in a middle school tournament in the next county.

John H is my partner, who is one of a couple refs in the association
who teach animal husbandry out at the high school in the next
county…I remember them talking about it last season and how some-
times when a cow or something like that is giving birth someone – like
John H, for instance – will have to reach up and grab some groceries
and bring the calf, or whatever they’re called, out…I didn’t think I
heard them right the first time, so I asked if they really reach in the,

276 The Diary of a Nobody

you know, and go bring the baby cow out…I was moderately surprised
when John H said that was indeed the case.

Anyway, I decided my personal point of emphasis this season is
getting the shooter when a player is fouled while shooting…This
means that when my partner calls a foul that will result in free throws,
I come in with my eyes on the player who was fouled and announce “I
have the shooter” which tells my partner he doesn’t need to worry
about who the shooter…It’s an excellent tactic, and I want to become
really good at it this season.

Having a personal point of emphasis works…A couple of years ago
my goal was to improve my off ball coverage, which refers to reffing
your primary area even when the ball is somewhere else, and it did
improve significantly, and I’m glad I came up with one this season.

Saturday November 22
Went to the big city today to pick up The Wife’s daughter, Her

Majesty, who is visiting for the week…Recall she is a sailor on an air-
craft carrier in San Diego and is about halfway thru her enlist-
ment…The Wife was actually about to end her shift at work when we
got back to town, so we went in and said hi and they drove back home
together.

Boy, the cat is not pleased…She only really approves of mommy
and daddy – and sometimes we are barely tolerated – and hum-baby,
she was hissing within minutes and she will probably go into hiding
for the week…She is hissing at Her Majesty for being here and hissing
at The Wife and me for allowing this intrusion into her home…I just
hope she doesn’t attack us while we’re sleeping.

I’m still not writing about work until we have a normal day.

Sunday November 23
So last night The Wife and Her Majesty are sitting on the couch

going thru a catalog of dress patterns and prattling about the things
that amuse mothers and daughters when The Wife points out some-
thing designed to highlight a woman’s bosom…She also noted nowa-
days it seems the tush is highlighted more than anything.

November 2014 277

For her part Her Majesty noted that’s all guys tend to notice, and
I added the decline of the bust was lamentable.

Well, yeah, that’s all we have to look at now…All girls wear
tights…The bust is out of favor.

I haven’t done the seminal research into the matter, but I have
been keeping tabs and it’s true!!!

The Wife has Monday and Tuesday off, but she pulled a shift at
the retailer today so I spent a very pleasant day with Her Majesty…We
started at the gym, where I pumped iron for the first time in a couple
of weeks and she soaked in the hot springs…Then we had lunch at
her fave Mexican restaurant in town…She got her usual deep fried
jalapenos.

I can’t handle these at all…I do not take truly spicy – or anything
stronger than table salt, frankly – very well…I had the tip of one of
them and my mouth felt like someone took a soldering iron to it…Man-
fully conceding defeat, I left the rest to Her Majesty.

Then we were off to the Post for turkey bingo…It’s traditional the
Sunday before Thanksgiving and is so popular we have two ses-
sions…Stanko the Adjutant said one year they didn’t do it and really
heard about, so it’s hasn’t been missed since.

Anyway, it’s regular bingo except the prizes aren’t cash but tur-
keys…The Post gets a great deal on them from a local grocer and we
always make a nice profit…I called a few of the games and I got a
pretty good line off…It might not be Line of the Year, but it wasn’t too
bad.

We’re glad all of you came…All proceeds go to the Commander’s
Winter Retreat in Cancun in January.

It got some pretty good laughs, which it deserved, but who knows
if it will be Line of the Year.

As usual, we regard state law regarding the minimum age for play-
ing bingo as not so much a law etched in stone, but more of, say, a
guideline, and, as usual, there were kids winning turkeys left and
right…I asked one what he was going to do with his and he said he
was going to bury it in his yard.

278 The Diary of a Nobody

Monday November 24
Where in thee hell are my car keys???
We can’t find them anywhere…We have a backup of course, but

still…This is frustrating.
For a variety of logistical reasons, we celebrated Thanksgiving to-

day
It was one of my all-time favorites.
Her Majesty, who learned the lessons her mother taught really

well, took command in the kitchen…This is not the first Thanksgiving
dinner we’ve had where Her Majesty has cooked and she delivered
another splendid meal…Turkey, of course, and mashed potatoes,
which were really good, she added the right amount of garlic, and that
is praise coming from me because normally I have some zero use for
mashed potatoes.

She also made her patented broccoli casserole, which I love be-
cause it has tons of cheddar cheese and those deep fried onion stringy
things…In fact, I told her the next she makes this, if she just wants to
eliminate the broccoli and mushroom soup, it would be OK with ol’
Sparrow.

The Wife was funny…A splendid cook herself, of course, she had
trained her daughter so well she her help really wasn’t needed, tho
she fussed about acting like it was…Particularly funny was their fuss-
ing over the turkey…It was done a bit before the casserole and stuffing
was done, so Her Majesty took it out of the oven, put it on the serving
tray and covered it with foil.

Well, this didn’t please The Wife, who felt it should be put back in
the oven, at all…Her Majesty stood firm, tho The Wife compromised
by putting back in the roaster and putting the roaster on stop of the
stove, which was really funny because she did it while Her Majesty
wasn’t looking, covert-like, as if she didn’t expect anyone to notice the
roasting pan sitting on the stove…Upon her return to the kitchen Her
Majesty promptly took it off the stove, tho The Wife managed to save
some face when her daughter left it in the roasting pan.

Also, the Family BakeOff was held…Her Majesty wins this every
time we are able to hold it – despite the fact The Wife is a bit better
baker – because I am the judge and Her Majesty can do no wrong.

November 2014 279

Sensing, correctly, the competition is rigged, The Wife mailed it in
this year, proffering some frozen, ready-to-bake pastry…I told Her
Majesty she probably could produce melted crayons topped with Liq-
uid Paper and still win, tho she had brownies waiting for me when I
returned from work and was immediately declared BakeOff champion.

Speaking of work, we had a normal day, today…The truck started
right up, the air tank pressurized in short order and we didn’t break
down…The route was about an hour longer than usual, but it was
snowing and the roads were slow, and that’s normal this time of year
and it was such a normal route the fact it was normal was really the
only thing noteworthy about it.

The cat is still not entirely pleased we have a guest…She is not
hissing constantly like she was over the weekend, tho, and even allows
to pet her for a split-second or two

Tuesday November 25
Two consecutive normal days on the route…I know you are as

grateful for that as I am…It was long tho…The route we met out of the
big city was an hour-and-a-half late and I delivered, adding some more
time because recall we’ve established I am not as fast as Brian.

But we got a break…Ski season starts this week I was expecting
about twice as many doilies to deliver as we got…I am not making that
up!!!...We had more or less the same amount of doilies as on a slow,
offseason day.

I serviced the Doily Dispensing Machine (DDM) at a local grocery
store today for the first time since they moved it last month...The store
has remodeled and they now have two entrances instead of one and
the bank was moved, too, and the DDM is now right next to one of the
entrances, sandwiched between it and the bank.

This is the worst location in the history of doilies!!!...Good gravy,
there are people passing you constantly and they could not have
picked a worse location had they put the DDM in the dairy case…My
back is to everyone, of course, and all it takes is one whackjob to de-
cide to mess with me and there would’ve been trouble…That trouble

280 The Diary of a Nobody

would’ve been handled, of course, but you don’t really want trou-
ble…Too much paperwork.

The car keys are gone…We have no idea what happened to
them…Her Majesty and I came home from the store, I parked the car
on the street, we plowed the driveway, moved the car in, removed the
groceries and they haven’t been seen since.

Wednesday November 26
I’ve been driving without my glasses the past couple of days.
This may cause you not to want to drive anymore, but thiss actu-

ally results in me seeing better…They’re reading glasses and at night
they tend to make distant objects fuzzy…For example, approaching
headlights that appear to be one light at a distance with glasses on I
can differentiate without glasses…Not wearing glasses doesn’t make a
ton of difference, but it makes enough difference that I feel a tad more
comfortable not wearing them…I’ve worn them driving for years be-
cause I used to get nauseous driving without them.

I’m not now, tho…I don’t understand this at all, but it may have
something to do with the fact I can now do the paperwork on the route
without getting ill…When I started the job, reading and writing the
paperwork attendant with delivering doilies did make me a tad
queasy, but that passed after a few days, and I am pleased to report I
can now drive without getting a headache.

Anyway, I am crediting this decision with the fact I avoided a heard
of elk on the way home tonight, although I am a safe enough driver so
I probably would’ve seen them had I been wearing welder’s goggles.

There was a bunch of them, too…I probably braked harder than I
needed too, and half of them continued to cross the road and the other
half went back where they came from.

I’ll tell you what, regular readers of this crap will recall I hit a deer
last December, and a sorta close call tonight turned me into an old
maid the rest of the way home despite the fact both the weather and
roads were both good…There was a line a several cars behind and
they had to grin and bear it because ol’ Sparrow wasn’t of a mind to
go any faster than 50 or so.

November 2014 281

I am pleased to report the cat has mellowed out…A bit…She is no
longer hissing constantly at Her Majesty and she actually is letting me
pet her on occasion and even slept with me last night curled up, as
usual, in the crook of my leg, where my knee bends…I felt terrible
displacing her for my standard 4am constitutional, but she’s used to
it and was back in place a few minutes after I returned.

Thursday November 27
Despite the fact we celebrated the holiday earlier in the week and,

officially, today was just another day, I spent some time thinking
about past Thanksgivings.

I have worked an awful lot of them…More than my share, really,
in the Navy and other assorted jobs that are open on holidays and I
am grateful for a job that shut down today…Looking back, having
Thanksgiving dinner on your own actually seems worse than it was at
the time because back then you’re young and what the hell is your
motto…Age, however, gives you perspective, if you’re open to it, and
now I am grateful for not having to work holidays right now.

One of my favorites was in my 20’s with a guy named Eddie
Shack…At the time Eddie and I were both chasing a dream that ended
up eluding both of us and he came over to an old house I was renting
at the time and I made a processed turkey, some boxed stuffing,
canned cranberry sauce, macaroni and cheese and, for reasons which
seemed good at the time, a meat loaf…Knowing me, it is not completely
unreasonable to conclude tinned biscuits were on the menu, plus
whatever dessert was on sale.

Today’s was really nice…The Wife had a shift at the retailer and
Her Majesty and I settled in for a day of cribbage…I hadn’t played
since the Navy and I was counting on Her Majesty to remind me how
to play but it turns out cribbage isn’t a pastime on the carrier she
serves on…Spades, another old favorite, is, but not cribbage.

We used to play all the time on the diesel submarine I was on, tho,
and in short order it all came back to me…I got some really good cards
early, and I mean really good cards, while Her Majesty was getting
lousy hands, and I pretty much named the score early on…Luck

282 The Diary of a Nobody

changes, tho, and once Her Majesty got the knack, and some good
cards, she finished strong…In fact, she beat me the final two games.

We took a break to drive into town and go visit The Wife before
things got really insane at the retailer, picked up a frozen pizza – with
wings! – and came home to dinner and the final couple-three
games…Her Majesty was content to close out matters on her two-
game winning streak, while I have a long day Friday and was content
to go to sleep.

A very pleasant day.

Friday November 29
Debuted the red can of coffee today…I have to be honest, I couldn’t

tell the difference between the red coffee and the blue coffee.
Both are house brands from the grocery store…One is Supreme,

the other Classic, or maybe one is Dark Roast…Who the hell
knows???…I bought the red can because they were out of the blue
can, which was surprising, and I preferred the red can to the purple
can, for reasons I’ve forgotten.

It doesn’t matter…I’ve had a lot of bad coffee over the course of my
life and I’ve grown to appreciate it…I ain’t going to make a fuss over
whether my morning joe is blue can or red can.

Saturday November 30
Her Majesty left today after a very pleasant stay of a week…She

actually still has another week or so of leave left, and she is going to
spend back in San Diego, where her aircraft carrier is stationed…She
said she really liked Fort Sparrow a lot and felt right at home here.

I asked her if she wanted to take the pomegranate she bought at
the store earlier this week with her and she said no…I have some zero
clue what we will do with it…The Sparrows are not pomegranate peo-
ple…Right now it is sitting on the kitchen table, with the centerpiece.

The Wife wept about as much as she usually does in these situa-
tions.

Bonser and rug rat Matt over today…We talked about the cam-
paign, with Bonser all but achieving and maintaining a state of

November 2014 283

arousal over our final vote total, which a bit more than 52,000, about
two-and-a-half percent of the votes cast.

He dismissed my claims the total blew, saying I got almost twice
as many votes as the next highest third-party candidate which, after
thinking about it for a bit, is probably a pretty good point. Matt said
he did some research and my total was the highest third party candi-
date total for a United States Senate race in state history, which didn’t
make me feel too bad, either.

The Wife pointed out the total was really good considering the can-
didate lived in the hinterlands and has to earn a living five days a
week…I was forced to acknowledge that, taking everything into con-
sideration, 52,000 votes probably wasn’t too bad.

Then Bonser said we should probably start thinking about 2016,
when this state’s other United States Senator is up for reelection….He
said once the weather clears next spring we should start dropping in
on assorted meetings of both our party and the meetings of a GOP
splinter group, just to say howdy and talk liberty…The more familiar
people are with me, he said, the easier it will be to get them to vote for
me.

I said OK…I enjoyed being a US Senate candidate and talking to
thoughtful citizens about our country…The Wife said she was on
board, too.



December 2014

Monday December 1
The basketball ref meeting at the local high school last night was

not particularly well attended…We had about eight (8) people there,
tho there were a couple of games going, which helped keep attendance
down…Chris, the instructional guy, wasn’t there and that’s never
good, so Elvis did some instructing, something he does not have a
knack for…He read from a sheet on three-person crew techniques and
supplemented that with some illegible drawings on a white board
which was actually kinda funny because one time he drew the court
the free throw lane ended up bearing a striking resemblance to the
male sex organ….I was the one who actually pointed this out, poking
Todd, who was sitting next to me, and giggling like a fifth
grader…Todd laughed and it turns out I was overheard and soon most
of us were giggling like kids.

This led to a pretty good line from ol’ Sparrow…Probably not Line
of the Year, but a good line nonetheless:

You better erase that before the kids report for class tomorrow,
Elvis, or we’re all in trouble.

First games are Saturday…Recall I had regional championship
game last season, and that was a lot of fun, so we’ll see what this year
brings…I know you can’t have championship games every year, but
still, it’s fun to dream.

Tuesday December 2
Brian set a route record today…We are at a Doily Dispensing Ma-

chine in town, swapping out old doilies for new doilies, and he got it
done in seven (7) minutes…Though neither of us had he Route 20
record book handy, we’re both pretty sure this is a record.

Some DDM’s allow customers to make deposits into their ac-
counts, and this one does, but we don’t pull the deposits on Tuesday’s
anymore, merely swap out doilies, and that saved a few

286 The Diary of a Nobody

minutes….Plus, Brian had been in the zone all day, running a very
efficient route with no wasted time.

His being done actually caught me by surprise…The DDM is a
drive up, so the person working the DDM is exposed, so I had my eyes
open to make sure there weren’t any robbers or anything and the next
thing I know – BOOM! – Brian is announcing the code the electronic
lock generated after he locked it up.

For the record, ol’ Sparrow’s personal best for the DDM, without
deposit pull, is about ten minutes.

We made good time all day…We had good weather and good roads
and I was home about an hour earlier than on a normal day.

Before parking the truck at the end of the day Brian opened the
hood…He said he heard a strange noise…I’d spent the past 13 hours
driving the truck and didn’t hear anything, but Brian’s the mechanic
on the crew and he has an ear for crap like this.

After opening the hood I did, in fact, hear something not entirely
normal, but what do I know???...I mean, the engine didn’t sound like
it was about to break or anything…It could’ve been a normal sound,
or it could’ve been an abnormal sound…All I know is Dave the Me-
chanic said we should be getting our usual truck, 112030, back this
week…Hopefully this truck will hold out until then.

Brian shined his flashlight and stuck his nose in there, but he
didn’t diagnose anything in immediate need of repair.

Wednesday December 3
The Wife and I spent a very pleasant afternoon together in town…It

was one of her famous “walking dates” she’s been subjecting me to
since just after we started dating…I like to sigh and pretend our walk-
ing dates are a nuisance, but I really enjoy them, especially in times
like these where The Wife and I have different days off and do not get
as much time together as we’d like.

Like you probably would have, we started at the DMV…We never
bothered to tell them we’ve moved…We had a wait, too, rare in a small
town…There were three people working, but two were trainees and the

December 2014 287

Big Guy was out on a drive test…The Wife and I are sitting there wait-
ing and I decide to see if I can do this on my phone…I can…I did, in a
couple of minutes, too.

I offered to do it for The Wife, but she was having none of it…She
had come to the DMV to change her address and she was going to
change her address at the DMV, dammit, come hell or high water…It
would later be revealed she was on a mission to get the pic on her
license changed…She has never been pleased with it.

It was funny…Not only did she change her address, she completely
showed me and renewed her license, too, despite the fact ours were
still valid for a couple of years….I am not making that up!!!.

One of the renewal questions is whether or not you are a vet-
eran…The Wife said no, and them mentioned her daughter, Her Maj-
esty was, in the Navy and oh brother, once The Wife starts talking
about her kids, we could’ve been there all day.

I coughed and held up a palm…The Wife, who is aware of this
tendency, looked at me and smiled and I had a pretty good line, cer-
tainly a Line of the Year nominee:

No satisfactorily addressed her query, honey.
The Wife had her own funny at lunch…We were at a diner down-
town and had finished when the cook came out…Turns out we were
neighbors at the old rental cabin…It also turns out I didn’t recognize
him, not the Upset of the Year…He’s in his 20’s, with blonde hair and
a scruffy blonde beard...He looked genuinely happy….The mentioned
he was the neighbor with the dog that had three legs…After the kid
went back to work The Wife noted the he kept his dog with three legs,
while we put our dog, who had four legs, down.
Three legs, you’re good…Get a cold with us, tho, and BOOM! you’re
gone!!!
To emphasize her point, The Wife made a hand look like a gun and
pretended to fire it.
After lunch we walked around downtown a bit…The town is a ski
area, so there are lots of shops you find in touristy areas and it was
fun to window shop...Before lunch we had strolled through the newly
remodeled grocery store, which we both rather enjoyed…We didn’t buy
much, tho, just some bread and some flavored Spam.

288 The Diary of a Nobody

Thursday December 4
I’ve stopped fighting it…I now use the heated mattress pad The

Wife got a couple of weeks back for our bed…Recall I had not been
turning my side on, but eff that noise, as we used to say in the
Navy…It was nice crawling into a warm half of the bed last night.

The Wife picked up a few more additions to our living room’s
Christmas Village…Joining our rustic cabin is city hall and a barn,
complete with attached silo…All three are lighted, of course, and it
looks really nice…We are both pleased.

In other holiday village news, the Wise Men appeared to have
brought baby Jesus a can of Chorizo Spam…This would be in addition
to the gold, frankincense and myrrh they bring every year…Chorizo
Spam didn’t last long tho, it being the main course for lunch today.

Joseph is still missing from the nativity scene, tho…We have no
idea whether he fled or whether he’ll be back…Rudolph the Red Nosed
Reindeer continues to fill in admirably.

Friday December 5
The Wife and I are still fighting the Coffee Wars…She still prefers

a blend that could power a rocket to Mars, while ol’ Sparrow favors
something a bit more mellow, something that does not make you want
to go and build highways.

I am up earlier than The Wife, so I make the first pot so this is
seldom an issue, for ol’ Sparrow…The Wife got a funny line in this
morning…She was pouring a cup of my brew because she hadn’t made
her own yet – probably because I was still in the house and I don’t
own the necessary Personal Protective Gear required to handle its
brewing – and she asked the cat:

How about enjoying a cup of Daddy’s water-coffee with me???
Fine…Be that way.
The first basketball games of the season are tomorrow…I am, fi-
nally, completely ready to go…It took most of the week to find my
whistles…I usually keep them, year round, in my gear bag, which I
also use for the gym and stuff, but they weren’t there and they weren’t
in the dresser drawer where the rest of my uniform was…I did seem

December 2014 289

to recall taking the whistle bag out of the gear bag for our move, but
what in the h-e-double toothpicks did I do with it???

The key to a good marriage is to listen to your good wife…The Wife
wondered, fairly logically, if I didn’t put the whistle bag in with my
football accessories???...

Well, I had to find the football accessory bag, of course, because
that wasn’t immediately visible, but once I did, voila, there it was, my
whistle bag…

Basketball season would’ve started anyway even if I hadn’t found
it because I have one in my desk drawer – you probably do, too – but
it’s nice the A-Team ready to go.

Our work truck, a backup while 112030 is fixed – barely made it
back to the branch last night…I was in the back compartment and
we’re at the storage unit where we park it and I get out to get my car
out so Brian can park the truck and good gravy, the sounds coming
from under the hood sound like a pretty good jazz drum solo…Brain
is out, too…He could hear it while driving and he said they started
about ten (10) minutes earlier…He opened the hood and determined
the fan was about to fall off…He said he’d email the branch and let
them know, and while I was driving home he called and said they
might have somebody come look at it this weekend and he was head-
ing to the big city for his reserve time and he hoped I was available.

Saturday December 6
I am such a stinker…My motives in asking The Wife, who was

working until 6pm at the retailer tonight, if I should just call the local
pizza joint and order a pizza for dinner rather than making her slave
over a hot stove after a long day at work, had everything to do with
concern for The Wife and absolutely nothing to do with ol’ Sparrow
not violently objecting to having pizza for dinner.

I am not making that up!!!...My concern for my beloved wife is so
total I was willing to sacrifice a home-cooked dinner for well, let’s be
honest, as good a pizza as we’ve had…The sacrifice, in all candor,
wasn’t all that great.