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In "Defog Your Focus" author Fiza Ameen presents a compelling and insightful exploration of the intricacies that shape our human nature. Backed by extensive research and practical wisdom, this book offers Don't let the complexities of human nature hinder your personal growth. Embrace the transformative power of "Defog Your Focus" and embark on a journey towards self-discovery, empowerment, and a life filled with purpose and fulfillment.

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Published by Fiza Ameen, 2023-08-22 15:10:05

Defog Your Focus -- An eBook by Fiza Ameen

In "Defog Your Focus" author Fiza Ameen presents a compelling and insightful exploration of the intricacies that shape our human nature. Backed by extensive research and practical wisdom, this book offers Don't let the complexities of human nature hinder your personal growth. Embrace the transformative power of "Defog Your Focus" and embark on a journey towards self-discovery, empowerment, and a life filled with purpose and fulfillment.

Keywords: personal growth,life lessons,self-improvement,research-based articles

Defog Your Focus Page 1 of 60


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen To all those daring to grow, together we will.


Defog Your Focus Page 3 of 60 Defog Your Focus Practical Personal Growth ©Fiza Ameen


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen Welcome dear reader, We are defined, above all, by courage. And here you are filled with such enthusiasm to spare time for your growth. This eBook covers some yet important nuances knitted to humanness. It answers some questions associated with subtleties of these aspects and also offers practical and research-based way ways make amends. If you’re interested in details (on the topics listed on the next pages), this book is for you. It’s my sincere hope that this book will facilitate you. However, I must address what this book cannot do. Regardless of all my efforts, this booklet cannot encompass the ‘individuality’ of every situation. Of course, we all are living our unique lives. Furthermore, due to the ongoing research, it’s not fair to consider any idea listed here as totality for there is always more to learn. Therefore, this book must not be considered as a ‘medical advice’ but as a compass from a sincere heart to enrich your life. Be Blessed always! Note: The writings were originally published by the author as articles. ©Fiza Ameen


Defog Your Focus Page 5 of 60 What to expect from the book: 1. Help or Intervention? How to Feed the Line Between the Two? (Helping others the Right way) 2. 3 Biggest Complexities of Life as an Introvert and The Cure (Addressing the barriers between Introversion and extroversion) 3. The Art of Cultivating Authentic Growth in Life (Researches on self-confidence, self-criticism, and self-compassion) 4. How is Your Relationship with Yourself? (Poor self-relationship, the implications, and the way out) 5. The Biggest Reason for Being Afraid of Death (Defining research-backed why behind the fear and the cure) 6. First Step in Developing Empathy| A Way to Deepen Connectivity with Humanity (What empathy is? And, what empathy isn’t? How to develop empathy?) 7. Talk About Things that are Eating at Your Heart and Mind. (Stress, its types, all possible ways out and the best way)


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen Help or Intervention? How to Feed the Line Between the Two? Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.” — Lou Holtz The universe has a mysterious way of granting us what we long for when we assist others in their journey toward what they are passionate about. The words we speak, the energy we spread, and the ideas we form become a permanent home that provides us with solace whenever we truly need it. The not-soobvious secrets of life will always shun the darkness from life when we are open to help others.


Defog Your Focus Page 7 of 60 Every action we take towards aiding another soul is in fact a step toward our own illumination and our own journey. The problem, however, arises when we blur the line between help and intervention. When assistance and interference are intertwined. Why one must feed this line? Help others is what makes us human. Along with inner peace and light, we get tools to help ourselves in the uncertain, unpredictable future. We bring nuances and ways to decipher them. The needed nuances and associated ways. Providing advice, for example, is beneficial to the recipient of the shared experience and guidance, as evidenced by the findings of this research paper. The involvement, however, in the form of intervention, is a hindrance not only to the other party but also to ourselves. It proves as a burden for both parties involved. The distinction between help and intervention may not be immediately apparent; at times, it may seem simple to assist another person and we may not pay attention to the fact that we are erasing the boundary help and intervention. Help is assisting the other person in finding the light at the end of a dark and stormy facet; intervention, on the other hand, is finding the light for the other person. While this type of co-dependency may help us in the short term, it may not be enough in the long term. When I started my writing journey, I felt so small and very frustrated whenever I wasn’t writing. The journey had great twists and turns (and it still has) but in this time, despite the bouts of loneliness and self-doubt, I found a way to transform myself. My words served as a compass for me, guiding me to myself when I was lost in the flux of life.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen That’s the same thing the author Austin Kleon notes in his book Steal Like an Artist, “It’s in the act of making things that we figure out who we are.” The point is not to highlight the benefits of a career in creative (or passion-driven) pursuits. Rather, it is to emphasize that, as we navigate our own paths, we learn through trial and error. When we reach somewhere (that may or may not be the surefire end), each step that we have had traveled inspires us to keep going; we find tools to help and heal our present and future selves. Intervention is an impedance in the way to growth, for that matter. Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash The Way Out?


Defog Your Focus Page 9 of 60 The question, then, is how do you draw a discernible line between help and intervention in the tricky business of life. Specifically, how to assist a person in finding their way instead of finding it for himself? In the book, The Courage to be Disliked, the author probes the depth associated with interpersonal relationships. In it, along with other gem lessons, I found a way to feed the line between help and intervention. The idea motivates us to ask one simple question on this road i.e. we should continually be asking ourselves whose task is this? This conception, which comes from Adler's psychology (find out more about this psychology here), is the first step towards easing the load for ourselves and others. This is a step towards awareness and, “The first element of change is awareness. You can’t change something unless you know it exists.” — T. Harv Eker First you know something needs to be change, and then you find how and then you change it. Let’s put it in an example. One fellow, for example, seeks some sort of help with work from another person. Now, the other person may be able to assist the first person more easily due to their prior knowledge in the field. It will, perhaps, save the time he just went some extra mile, but the point that needs to be addressed is that through our methods of assisting others, we contribute to the composition of other person's ideas, ideas that shape that person's future in subtle (and not-so-apparent) ways. Separating the task, here, means identifying one’s responsibility in that particular situation – to know who is accountable for what. It means selecting a course of action, choosing the responsibility that we have in our that particular relationship with that person — without intruding in other person’s matters.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen The author Patrick King in Stand Up For Yourself, Set Boundaries, & Stop Pleasing Others goes on to demonstrate more on this Separation of Task exercise. He emphasizes that some matters are within our control and we are accountable for them, while others may not be within our control or accountability. So, our key here is to know which is which. He then provides a practical solution. “Whenever you are feeling distressed or confused, ask, “What is my task here?” With work colleagues, relationships, family members, or friends, pause and quickly asked a certain task, idea, or thought is really your business. Is it your responsibility? Is it in your scope of control? If not, let it go without guilt.” Separation of tasks is a gentle way to avoid pitfalls of help-obsession. Because each of us has a unique life, what works for one person may not work for another. Furthermore, we may not always be available to lend a helping hand. Even though research finds that people who prioritize pleasing others are more likely to experience burnout (you may find out more about it here), the problem is the flexible boundaries that develop with people-pleasing phase of life. You cannot (easily) put a stopper on it. The mixed conscience, feelings of obligation to (over) help, the entitlement towards the relationship/authority, to name a few complexities along the way. There’s a lot that the world teaches us each day. By sharing these experiences with others, we create a home in the world that is healing and inspiring, home not only to the other person, but also to ourselves. There is, however, a subtle and complex obstacle to


Defog Your Focus Page 11 of 60 overcome: the natural urge to help without considering whether that help will lead to growth or drought in the long run. The important thing, here, is we must find a way to help each other in ways that are beneficial to ourselves and others while maintaining a clear understanding of what we are doing. The Message? Handling interpersonal relationships is an intricate art, but by adding flavors of deliberation and awareness to it, it would be easier to share tangible help and growth. “You never learn the most valuable lessons in life until you go through your own journey.” — Roy T. Bennett Let’s not forget the above-mentioned quote while offering help. Let’s not help others in a way that’s not really helpful overtime. References: Koga, F. and Kishimi, I. (2019) The courage to be disliked. Atlantic. Patrick King Stand Up For Yourself, Set Boundaries, & Stop Pleasing Others Kleon, A. (2022) Steal like an artist: 10 things nobody told you about being creative. New York: Workman Publishing Company. Thewordsmithm (2023) People-pleasers are at a higher risk of burnout, says Harvard-trained psychologist-how to spot the signs, CNBC. Available at: https://www.cnbc.com/2023/05/21/harvard-trained-psychologist-people-pleasersare-at-higher-risk-for-burnout.html (Accessed: 21 August 2023). Eskreis-Winkler, L. et al. (2019) ‘A large-scale field experiment shows giving advice improves academic outcomes for the Advisor’, Proceedings of the


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen National Academy of Sciences, 116(30), pp. 14808–14810. doi:10.1073/pnas.1908779116.


Defog Your Focus Page 13 of 60 3 Biggest Complexities of Life as an Introvert and The Cure Photo by Keenan Constance from Pexels “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” — Aristotle Introverts make up one-third of the world's1 population. And now more than ever before, our world is recognizing us — and our quiet mood but loud minds. Susan Cain’s book ‘Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking’, brought a revolution in the world of introverts. The myths associated with introversion are slowly dying. But not everyone gets it yet. Life as a confirmed introvert still isn’t easy as per my experience. Introverts are the inhabitants of two worlds and it’s incredibly important to make a balance between the two.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen The moment our focus wavers, we find ourselves in the middle of nowhere for a good while. Here I’ll share the three biggest complexities of life as an introvert and the solutions to them. 1. A fluctuating balance between isolation and interaction We, as introverts, construct a secluded space where we may refuel before approaching social situations. We believe, the more time we spend alone, the more energy we’d reflect to benefit others. Being grounded for a week or two, in my opinion, would be the nicest present we could give to ourselves as introverts, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. We need connection as much as the extroverts do. During the early pandemic days, for example, I enjoyed my introverted nature as much as I could. For me, solitude was a wellspring of inner drive and energy. I was preparing for a similar life. But soon, what had once been my refuge was nothing but chaos and confusion. Enjoying my company erased the thin line between being alone and loneliness. You just get bored of your own self. There’s nothing new. I realized that solitude has a limited reservoir of energy — and sometimes we don't even notice realize we’re running low until we’re exhausted – completely drained. The research on introversion vs. extroversion is by no means complete, but a couple of studies2 show that by acting extraverted, introverts gain energy like extroverts. We, thus, need just as much connection to the outside world as our extroverted friends.


Defog Your Focus Page 15 of 60 Loud and stimulating environments drain our energy, but what we tend to forget is the fact: we aren’t immune to loneliness as well. Solitude is like a well that runs out of water; you can’t rely on yourself to fill it when it starts to run dry. If you start to feel drained, it could be a sign that you need more company and conversation. To fill the well again, we all need some more (meaningful) interaction no matter what our nature is. It’s, thus, safe to say that what Victoria Erickson says is pertinent to us all, “We are complicated creatures, and ultimately, the balance comes from this understanding. Be water. Flowing, flexible, and soft. Subtly powerful and open. Wild and serene. Able to accept all changes, yet still led by the pull of steady tides. It is enough.” — Victoria Erickson In a nutshell, the key to enriching the solitude enriched as well as balancing the innate is recognizing when you need to engage (in other words, when you’ve had enough of your own company). 2. A subtle distinction between fear, shyness, and introversion Introverts own a small, private world, where they can intrinsically motivate themselves to do things they love. They aren’t influenced by loud, dominating voices. As Jenn Granneman said,


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen “Introverts live in two worlds: We visit the world of people, but solitude and the inner world will always be our home.” — Jenn Granneman But what if this introversion chains your and my feet in the comfort zone? What if we get so attached to the familiar that we want to avoid calculated risks? What if this introversion tempts us to resist (needed) changes? The thing is: when we limit ourselves to less, one by one, we fall into a familiar mindset, and it becomes a comfort zone. It's habitual but restrictive. Introversion, which is helping us all to be more creative in life and work, can make fear or shyness worse when we misinterpret our feelings and emotions. Self-exploration is always a tricky process. However, there are times when we need rigorous self-reflection to determine our reasons. The business becomes trickier. In this fast-paced world, going at one’s pace is bravery, but it comes with its own set of challenges. A little deviation from the growth zone has catastrophic results — for an introvert. Because there is such a blurred line between fear, shyness, and introversion, we may not even know why we engage in a behavior in that situation. The solution? Whatever you do as an introvert, challenge yourself to define your why. 3 When we know what motivates us, it’s easier to evaluate our development. First, nurture the boundaries between fear, shyness, and introversion such that you know which one is which. And, then, in practice, know your reasons. It’s easy to plan and say but it’s not easy initially. Defogging focus is the way.


Defog Your Focus Page 17 of 60 Photo by clement fusil on Unsplash 3. Concealing the true self in small talk — a barrier on the road to deep conversation A study4 shows more and more people now open to embracing their introversion and accepting it publically after reading the book on introversion by Susan Cain. However, the fact that there is so much diversity among introverts makes it difficult for others to comprehend them – properly. My quietness, for example, was/is often misinterpreted as unfriendliness or shyness or even meanness. It does not feel okay to be misunderstood. But, as introverts, do we help others in understanding the complexities of what we as introverts are? We crave sincere friendships, community, and interactions just as much as our fellow extroverts. The question is, how often do we actively seek it out? Here is an introverted thing: only a deep conversation pulls us out of the cocoon of our thoughts. And the deeper the conversation, the stronger the bond. But the sad truth is that deep conversations don’t happen by themselves. Just because someone isn’t digging deep doesn’t mean they can’t.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen We don’t like small talk, so when we push ourselves to engage in small talk, it makes us sound like we’re hiding something — which, of course, isn’t helpful. In his book, ‘Never Eat Alone’, Keith Ferrazzi writes, ‘There’s one way to succeed in the art of small talk and it is to be yourself.’ He tells a few words break the ice and awkward silence only when we speak from the heart. Michaela Chung in her book5 shared the biggest lesson she learned from her coach that brought the biggest change in her communication skills, “To find the right people you have to be the right person. Because who you are being every moment of every day will determine your ability to make meaningful connections.” — Elizabeth Purvis On the other hand, when put on the mask of shallow conversation and sacrifice our secret desire to indulge in depth, we go against our hearts. It only acts as a barrier between us (the introverts) and the world because people can smell ‘little genuine reciprocation’ from a mile away. When we speak from the heart, we create a way in or a way out. (Not too bad! Isn't it?) Do not be afraid to choose your true introverted self in conversations. It, of course, isn’t always easy but when we try to be ourselves, it becomes easier to befriend the extroverted world and honor our uniqueness. So always remember, "If you want to impact, you have to work with people.” – Patrick Pichette


Defog Your Focus Page 19 of 60 The Message? 1. As introverts, we derive energy from solitude and innermost thoughts. However, the interactions we engage in with others also provide us energy. Otherwise, the solitude becomes tortured loneliness. This equilibrium between interaction and introversion is the foundation of enriched-introverted living. 2. Owning a calm private world presents equal challenges. To ground ourselves in the growth zone, there’s a continued need for strict self-analysis. 3. Having meaningful interaction with our fellow beings is an integral part of human existence. To honor the gifts of introversion, choose to follow your heart every moment, in every conversation. Introversion is unique to each individual, however, life presents more or less the same challenges to us all. In order to define the boundaries between loneliness and isolation, to reach our full potential and to live life authentically, we simply need to accept, evaluate and express our true selves. When we understand our authentic self, the world recognizes us, as they say. As Carl Jung said, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” –Carl Jung References: 1. Kendra Cherry, Mse. (2022) 8 signs you might be an introvert, Verywell Mind. Available at: https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-are-an-introvert2795427#:~:text=Introverts%20and%20extroverts%20are%20often,misconceptio ns%20about%20this%20personality%20type. (Accessed: 21 August 2023). 2. Apa PsycNet American Psychological Association. Available at: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2002-08203-014 (Accessed: 21 August 2023).


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen 3. Sinek, S. (2017) Find your why. New York, NY: Portfolio/Penguin, an imprint of Penguin Random House, LLC. 4. Grant, A. (2020) 5 myths about introverts and extroverts, Quiet. Available at: https://www.quietrev.com/5-myths-about-introverts-and-extroverts/ (Accessed: 21 August 2023). 5. Chung, M. Introvert Connection Guide 7 Steps To Attract Your Ideal Friends Ferrazzi, K. and Raz, T. (2014) Never eat alone: And other secrets to success, one relationship at a time. New York: Crown Business. Cain, S. (2013) Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. London: Penguin Books Ltd. ER;, S. (no date) Become comfortable with the uncomfortable, Journal of the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. Available at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36137729/ (Accessed: 21 August 2023). The-pros-and-cons-of-comfort-zones Walden University. Available at: https://www.waldenu.edu/programs/psychology/resource/the-pros-and-cons-ofcomfort-zones (Accessed: 21 August 2023).


Defog Your Focus Page 21 of 60 The Art of Cultivating Authentic Growth in Life Photo by Gary Meulemans on Unsplash “We cannot change anything unless we accept it.” — Carl Jung Every morning, nature welcomes you with open arms. The trees bath in the light, the breeze echoes, and the birds chirp soothing the world from inside out. So, in all moods of nature, we glimpse the lessons yet to discover. There’s no such thing as figuring out all about life and our fellow beings. As long as we’re alive, there’s always something to learn. A worthwhile life is a life full of desire – for these lessons.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen There are some things that just come naturally, like the lessons we find out from people or the lessons we notice. And then there are other things that come at us like our biggest mistakes and our failures, and sometimes they're harder to take in. The key to growth, however, is to be open to learning alternatives. As Benjamin Barber said, “I don’t divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures, those who make it or those who don’t. I divide the world into learners and non-learners.”― Benjamin Barber The one relationship that defines all about your life There are a few basic rules that govern life, and they all revolve around the same feelings. Isn’t it odd we always show up in different scenarios? The answer? Life is creative in its way, and offers us with new experiences that are different from the ones we have experienced before. We, for example, know too well how it feels to be misunderstood or hurt, but each new experience brings its own unique, brand-new feelings. And to effectively respond to them, we, too, need to tap into our creative side. Both our personal and professional lives are built on creativity, and that creativity comes from getting into the nooks and crannies of our inner being. When we connect with our inner compass to figure out why (motivation), we decide what kind of life we want. Mistakes, however, are a thorn in the side of humanity. But we fall prey to them whenever we lose connection with our inner being , and whenever we have an abstract why.


Defog Your Focus Page 23 of 60 That’s probably why Roman philosopher Marcus Tullius Cicero says, “No one can give you wiser advice than you can give yourself: you will never make a slip if you listen to your own heart.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero Which, of course, is not a skill you can pick up in a day; it may take a lifelong practice. But, that’s all there is. But once you get started, it gets easier as time goes on. The pursuit of high self-confidence for a better life Self-confidence is a beautiful thing, and without it, nobody ever would be able to choose himself. Unfortunately, 85 percent of people1 struggle with low self-esteem and so the ones with the ability to pull themselves together (despite the inner battles) make a difference. And, probably that’s why our world is obsessed with self-confidence. In his book Self-Efficacy: The Exercise of Control, 2 psychologist Albert Bandura explained that it is confidence, more than any other quality, that helps people reach their goals. Lack of self-confidence attracts complications like a magnet. The quest for self-confidence, for that matter, is pertinent to success but now research findings suggest that, at times, opposite is the case. This is because self-confidence, itself, is a slippery thing due to the fact that of life constantly changes direction. Studies show while we rely on our self-confidence, we subconsciously put many important subtleties on the backburner without even knowing it.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen When everything follows a process, it is natural to feel a sense of security and assurance about our undertakings, but it comes at a cost. I'm pretty confident (mostly at familiarity), but not an extroverted kind of confident. Whenever I tried to fake extroverted confidence to blend in with the crowd, my performance wasn’t up to the mark. So, for introverts pretending to have the other kind of confidence might make us overlook what's really important in that situation. For we are too preoccupied with something else (self-consciousness, perhaps?). Research finds that there’s a risk no matter what our core nature is we may tend to misjudge our true potential when excessively filled with self-confidence. For further information, read here3 . A little self-doubt, on the other hand, results leads to increased focus and motivation for the task at hand. Similarly, in our interpersonal relationships, high self-confidence can appear as a facade—that prevents us from seeking help from our inner guidance and making the decisions and choices that we desire. The thing is: we can succeed (in anything) without having high self-confidence but we cannot succeed with wrong estimation of one’s potential. Neither can we achieve much greater thing without inner guidance. In order to strengthen our connection with the people we care about, and to decide what kind of life we want to lead, it comes down to inner guidance and dedication which, of course, has nothing to do with chasing self-confidence. Here, by no means, I deemphasize the bounties and beauties of self-confidence. As previously mentioned, it is the confidence that enables us to present ourselves to the world. However, what I am trying to say is that chasing self-confidence desperately may not always be a good idea as per research findings. Perhaps there is more helpful nuance to unearth.


Defog Your Focus Page 25 of 60 So, self-confidence is not the totality. Follow through this article to know. To balance our self-confidence with inner guidance, it’s time to stop (always) chasing it. “Move into yourself. Move into your human unsuccess. Perfection rapes the soul.” — Marion Woodman Photo by David Clode on Unsplash Chasing healthy self-criticism for success Self-criticism, in a healthy dose, welcomes self-improvement and evaluation. It is almost impossible to envision progress without healthy self-criticism. But, like self-confidence, it is a complicated thing and depends on the scenario we are in. For many of us, for example, when something unexpected occurs (as a result of our actions), the first thing that springs to mind is not what we can do to rectify the situation, but what we have already done. These thoughts dwell in past. You see?


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen Intrinsically, our brains are wired to promote self-criticism. In a daunting situation, our mind loves to work in the backward4 direction. The event that just happened is a familiar zone for the mind as it offers an opportunity to avoid lingering uncertainty in the future. So when we rely on healthy self-criticism, which has more porous boundaries than we realize, we put a restraint on our present and future. How so? We permit our minds to continually ask, Look, what have you done! Self-criticism creeps its toes out of the healthy boundaries, and this leads to one of two outcomes. Either we desensitize (numb) our pain and disappointment to focus on the present, which only intensifies5 these emotions, or we attach vulnerability and regret to our memories by veering into the loops of a mistake, choice, or that situation. And, that’s how our memories are formed. In his book, The Past is a Foreign Country6 , author David Lowenthal noted, “Memories are not ready-made reflections of the past, but eclectic, selective reconstructions based on subsequent actions and perceptions and on ever-changing codes by which we delineate, symbolize, and classify the world around us.” So, the way perceive an incident leaves a lasting impression on our memory. It intertwines emotions within that recollection. When we wallow in the same picture of a situation, we unconsciously allow it to seep deeper into our consciousness. Therefore, self-criticism isn't very effective (even with healthy approach), is it? The American Sociologist Charles Horton Cooley writes, “One should never criticize his own work except in a fresh and hopeful mood. The self-criticism of a tired mind is suicide.” — Charles Horton Cooley


Defog Your Focus Page 27 of 60 As the quote above tells us, self-criticism rarely does any good because it's always done from the wrong point of view. We approach with a distressed mind. This approach, at times, only intensifies emotional pain and vulnerability, which is the opposite of what we want. So, why shouldn’t we abandon a practice that is detrimental to one's well-being and can possibly do more damage to productivity than good? Self-compassion — the only secret to a better controlled life Self-compassion, in essence, is the stable ground for growth. However, much of the time, we learn it the hard way mainly because of its rather misinterpreted7 definition. Self-compassion may appear soft, but it isn’t about being kind and gentle to yourself. It’s about having the courage to stand up to your true self — and make things right. It’s connected with self-acceptance. To quote self-acceptance from the book The Courage to Be Disliked8 , “Accept what is irreplaceable. (…) And have the courage to change what one can change. This is self-acceptance.” Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga And, any investment, that takes courage, isn't gentle. The research findings of Dr. Kristine Neff, a pioneer in the study of self-compassion, show that the vast majority of people in today’s world are significantly kinder and more compassionate towards others than themselves. For women, it’s 86 percent, and for men, it’s 67 percent. She noted,


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen “I found in my research10 that the biggest reason people aren’t more selfcompassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe selfcriticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.” The reason for this might be an opaque and constantly changing definition of selfcompassion. Most of the time we perceive it as being too gentle and soft on ourselves, but how a thing that takes every ounce of courage is soft and kind? How Self-Compassion is brave and helpful? Showing compassion as a second-party observer is one thing, but shaking off the belittling voices inside our head is quite another – it takes the heart to face and experience difficult emotions — to learn lessons and make amends. When we confront feelings instead of desensitizing or empowering them, we open our heart to changes, that we need to face the challenges. When we focus on what we can control, we approach self-reflection and criticism in the right direction. And, a well-balanced dose of confidence finds our way and lead us in the right direction. So, when self-confidence and self-criticism fluctuates the stage, self-compassion can save the day! Now, a question arises. Why do we need to practice selfcompassion right now? Self-compassion especially offers unconditional solace and growth when one is guiltprone, when one is victimized or when life reveals a blemish on one's quality of life. It helps to anchor the pieces of our lives by providing fierce light and development.


Defog Your Focus Page 29 of 60 However, the bitter reality is: when life throws us a curveball, it can be difficult to practice self-compassion, particularly if it is not an essential part of someone's inner world. Self-compassion is not only a way through grief, but a way to navigate life, for that matter. It does not necessitate feelings of guilt, isolation, frustration, or detachment. All that is requires is the willingness to open up yourself to your experience – kindly yet firmly. And, the universe in its subtle signs asks for it, too. A survey11, for example, revealed average person will make 773,618 decisions over a lifetime — and will come to regret 143,262 of them. Which, in other words, confirms that you and I make mistakes every day. So, there is a plenty of time to practice this selfkindness every day. In this fast-paced world, we might tend to bottle up our emotions and get rid of the mess in our heads to defog focus for the present, but as Daniel Dennett said, “The chief trick to making good mistakes is not to hide them — especially not from yourself.” — Daniel Dennett When we are (truly) aware of our mistakes, only then we embrace self-improvement and growth; we take ownership of ourselves and our situation to make amends whenever possible. So, the Universe offers ample opportunities to practice self-compassion and embrace growth in trivial mistakes you and I make every day as the survey discussed above notes. Unprejudiced self-compassion deepens the connection with our inner being and we know the why of our actions. And, you know all philosophies of life center around the definition of our why. The Message?


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen No matter how mundane or daunting a situation may appear, there is always something that is within our control, something that can alter the trajectory of the situation. This happens when you take responsibility of the situation. Self-compassion is all about facing our true selves and situations, be steadfast yet considerate. When we are comfortable in uncomfortable areas, we cultivate an authentic growth mindset. Right now it is the best time to practice self-compassion. So, it sinks deeper. As John F. Kennedy said, “Time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.” — John F. Kennedy References: 1. What are the signs of low self-esteem (no date) BetterHelp. Available at: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/self-esteem/signs-of-low-self-esteem-andwhat-to-do-aboutit/#:~:text=According%20to%20research%20from%20Dr,suffer%20from%20low %20self%2Desteem.&text=It’s%20important%20to%20remember%20that,self% 2Dworth%2C%20it’s%20okay. (Accessed: 21 August 2023). 2. Bandura, A. (2012) Self-efficacy: The exercise of Control. New York: W.H. Freeman. 3. “Exploding the Self-Esteem Myth.” Scientific American, www.scientificamerican.com/article/exploding-the-self-esteem-2005-12/. 4. Why Your Brain Has a Negativity Bias and How to Fix It (2019) blog.idonethis.com. Available at: http://blog.idonethis.com/negativitybias/.


Defog Your Focus Page 31 of 60 5. University of Texas at Austin (2011) Psychologists find the meaning of aggression: ‘Monty Python’ scene helps research, ScienceDaily. Available at: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/03/110323105202.htm. 6. Lowenthal, D. (1985) The Past Is a Foreign Country. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. 7. Ezop, S. (2019) 5 Myths of Self-Compassion, Center for Psychological Development. Available at: https://muncietherapy.com/5-myths-of-selfcompassion/. 8. Ichiro Kishimi and Koga Fumitake (2019) Courage to be disliked : how to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness. London: Allen & Unwin. 9. Neff, K. (2015) Self-Compassion, Self-Compassion. Available at: https://selfcompassion.org/. 10. WomensMedia (no date) How To Cultivate Self-Compassion For Success, Forbes. Available at: https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2020/08/17/how-to-cultivate-selfcompassion-for-success/?sh=57ade83e2a78 (Accessed: 21 August 2023). 11. Decisions, Decisions: New Research Reveals We Regret A Fifth of All Our Choices (no date) Her.ie. Available at: https://www.her.ie/life/decisionsdecisions-new-research-reveals-we-regret-a-fifth-of-all-our-choices-23903.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen How is Your Relationship with Yourself? Image by Abeeral Abdullah from Pixabay “Success is not how well people know you, success is how well you know yourself!”- Muniba Mazari We might be aware of what we do to others, and what they do to us. But how much thoughts do we spare for what we are doing to our own selves? Similar to how we have responsibilities to others, we also have obligations to ourselves. We may be growing more experienced and mature each day, but we're still struggling to improve our relationship with ourselves. Most of the time, we think about others in a way to ignore the relationship within ourselves. Those with better self-awareness form a smaller group. We must remind


Defog Your Focus Page 33 of 60 ourselves: No religion or country encourages you to prioritize only yourself, but no religion asks you to ignore yourself completely. In my teenage years, I had a terrible relationship with myself. I cared about others' opinions, cried over hurtful words, and constantly worried about what people thought of me. I lacked confidence and clarity in my own desires, always questioning how others would perceive me before considering my own thoughts and feelings. At some point, we are all in the same situation. Later I found, living your life solely for others (and pursuing other-oriented perfectionism1 ) deprives you of genuine friendships. But unfortunately, we often lack the time to realize this. Image by Tim Goedhart on Unsplash When I healed myself, a different life was waiting for me. Renewing myself gave me the best friend I ever had. I found: The story inside is more dramatic. Unearth it. How is a weaker self-relationship considered negative?


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen I have found these ways in which a negative self-image can detrimentally impact your life. Luckily, the solution is not too far away. 1. You see without your own lens and what matters to you is the last thing on your mind. People's thoughts are often influenced by others especially when they aren’t listening inside. In such a case, a big part of your entire life is influenced by society, leaving you with no true personal ideals or motivations. In the book Shadow Work for Beginners: Discovering & Healing Your Unconscious Self2 by Relove Psychology many reasons enveloping one’s low self-esteem have been noted. For example, you view others as better than you and you feel out of control of your life. This explains well enough why we view the world through other people’s lenses – and keep overlooking the nuances within and without. When your mind is clouded with thoughts and distractions (oriented on world in an unhealthy way), it can be difficult to prioritize your likes and dislikes. 2. There might be compassion-depravity within yourself. We, humans, have brighter and greyer sides. If we look, we can recognize them. However, when the sole of life is to make others happy, you may need to pretend to improve at times. In other words, there’s a fair chance of sabotaging the process of growth that the universe has laid for you. On the other hand, when one lets himself feel the stumbles and fumbles of the days when nothing seems to work, you really look inside yourself. The result?


Defog Your Focus Page 35 of 60 You are more likely to understand and support the fellows going through struggles in their ow journey. No matter how flawed their ways and the journey appear. As Carl Jung said, “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.” – Carl Jung 3. There might be a mystery in your world. If we're always trying to conform to the crowd, we might sacrifice the true self and personal narrative for the story whose author is none other than your very own self. In everyone’s inner world, there are layers and layers and details within these layers so subtle, so complicated to fathom at first glance. But every road to the outer world passes through that one road. A weak self-relationship hides those details. The way? The author Tina Louise Spalding in Love and a Map to the Unaltered Soul3 brought forth a straightforward, compassionate way to unfold that inner mystery, “Go inside, and in a moment of peaceful self-appreciation, ask yourselves what it is you would like to add that is not there. Listen to that inner voice, and write your answer in your journal. Tomorrow or, if you can, at this moment, do something to bring that thing into your life.” 4. You miss the (real) joy.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen Our world seems obsessed with happiness and positivity. Of course, there is nothing more beautiful than the real joy. But the ‘real’ is the real thing here. Joy comes from inside. Real joy is in things you love to do. The things that you actually love. But with a poor self-relationship, do you know what you really love? And yet here we are all searching in the big round world for happiness and positivity oblivious of its true whereabouts. Always remember, “Truth be told, the search for happiness is the denial of happiness. And, for as long as you deny the joy of our being, your ego, and your personality will never be completely satisfied or pleased with the world.”- Robert Holden, Ph.D in Be Happy!: Release the Power of Happiness in YOU4 5. Your (poor) connection with your inner being might keep you from gratitude. The life which truly holds significance is worthy of appreciation. But focusing solely on meeting the demands of others leads to a lack of self-awareness. And as we say again and again we do not know what is ‘truly’ important. Gratitude often goes unnoticed amidst the desire to be someone else or to have lived a different life. The solution? Be a sympathetic listener to your inner voice. Having struggled with my poor inner connectivity, I found through meditation, research, and the experience of my mentor that all it takes to heal is compassionate time spared for healing. Every other thing comes much later. Seek help from within! It’s not the


Defog Your Focus Page 37 of 60 mantra of self-help gurus, but a way out – only if we could put our faith in the light behind the clouds. As, “It is so important to take time for yourself and find clarity. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.” Diane Von Furstenberg References: 1. Institute, T.S. & R. (2015) 5 Styles of Perfectionism, The Stress & Resilience Institute. Available at: https://stressandresilience.com/5-styles-ofperfectionism/#:~:text=Other%2Doriented%20perfectionism%3A%20Other%2D (Accessed: 21 August 2023). 2. Relove Psychology (101AD) Shadow Work for Beginners: Discovering & Healing Your Unconscious Self | A Journey to Self-Discovery, Increasing SelfEsteem & Mastering Your Emotions. Relove Psychology. 3. Tina Louise Spalding (2016) LOVE & A MAP TO THE UNALTERED. Light Technology Publications. 4. Holden, R. (2010) Be happy : release the power of happiness in you. Carlsbad, Calif.: Hay House.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen The Biggest Reason for Being Afraid of Death The image on Unsplash by Sharon Mccutcheon “Dark Wizards are not eager to live. They fear death. They do not reach up toward the sun’s light, but flee the coming of night into infinitely darker caverns of their own making, without moon or stars.” - Eliezer Yudkowsky in Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality1 (A Harry Potter Series’s Fanfiction) The person who has suffered a near one’s death cannot find any other thing more painful. And it might be difficult for someone who has not experienced this kind of loss to comprehend the extent of the grief it causes. Thinking about death, going on an unknown road, and probably never being physical with those we love, all of it make us ill at ease. One wonders,


Defog Your Focus Page 39 of 60 Why we are afraid of death? We are afraid of death (Just see how uncommon discussion topic it is!) But, the fear is certainly more pertinent to losing our beloveds to death. By and by, it is not the love of life that derives this fear (though we believed so in our childhood). For example, some people might not consider their lives worth living, yet they fear death. Even though none of us would actually try to evade death, it is undeniable that we perceive death as a haunted place at least at some point. None of the deceased have told us what they've gone through since they died. It would be a new and strange road. Perhaps the new strangeness is the stimulus behind this fear. The author O.H Green writes in The Emotions: A Philosophical Theory2 “Fear of death is common enough, but we are, of course, certain that we will die. Still, what we are certain about is that we will die eventually; we are typically uncertain whether we will die next month or next year. There is thus considerable scope for fear of death with uncertainty. (…) Given our certainty, we can hardly fear that we will die eventually.” Is it the death or the regret that scares us? The fear of death also has its roots in regret, as the Australian caregiver Bronnie Ware, noted in her book. She had been there for the people who were battling to accept the reality and the people carrying the of emotional businesses while transforming from life to death.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying3 , she identified the common theme knitted in the regrets of dying patients. Surprisingly, none of the regrets had anything to do with the people who had been cruel (to the patient), nor did it have any connection to lost passions. Instead, they had everything to do with4 the connectivity to the inner self and its simple demands. 5 Regrets of Dying people: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. I wish I didn’t work so hard. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I wish that I had let myself be happier. The regret and fear are thus interlaced in the texture. So, it is might not always the fear or anticipated regret of death that disturbs us, but rather the fear that when death does occur, we will have not truly lived. I, for example, while imagining death feel a strong pull towards the people and aims that mean so much to me. I anticipate regret for not leaving a part of myself in the aspects of life I loved. You see? It’s the fear having missed out on the truest journey towards ourselves that bothers us at the thoughts of death.


Defog Your Focus Page 41 of 60 Understanding and the way out: Death has never been a stranger to humans; it is certain and promised. Yet it pains to say good bye loved ones who have been such a part of our lives. Of course, it’s the death that inspires goodness in us and makes us do something worthier for others and indeed for ourselves. And, it’s death leading human advancement. We are mortal, which is why the human race has chosen to do something. To put in something in the world before we go! We wouldn’t be where we are now if it weren’t the sword of death hanging over our heads. We could go on talking about how much value the sense of death has added in life. Regardless, the reality of death hurts. It hurts when we see our dreams fade away. It hurts to see people die. It hurts when we don't feel their (physical) warmth anymore. The pain is always there. Like with any dark time, people turn to art and science to help them cope. I, myself, have struggled with the fear of death, until I found being understood in books about death, written with the ink of love and kindness. Experts on death and dying suggest that when a person has lived a fulfilling life, they will not be afraid of death. When we cherish the time we get, living and experiencing the beauty of life, death becomes a part of the process. The way Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a pioneering figure in the near-death research, addresses the intricacies is phenomenal. She, while discussing the life lessons that she had gleaned from years of experience with dying patients, notes that we, humans, can


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen only experience two emotions: love, which is the source of all positive feelings, and fear, which is the cause of all negative feelings. We, of course, identify each of the positive and negative emotion uniquely, but the source is the same for each. She goes on to explain that if we're scared, we can't be in love. So, to cope with the fear of death, as she explains through plethora of research, we must hold on to the love of our loved ones and to life itself. For love chases fear out. She writes5 , “It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth — and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.” — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross The thing, even now, is the same. You won't get your life or the loved ones back. You’re bound to miss what isn’t there. You'll miss what's gone, and there's an unwavering hole left in your life. But it can be helped in this sense: we can evade the chance of creating vacuum in our life while we live and while the people we love and meet. We can push away the regrets (which are common but often heavy). And we can cherish what we have. At the very least, we can give ourselves the satisfaction that we went the right way (to understanding, appreciating others and enriching our connection with them) with love, responsibility, and deliberation. So,


Defog Your Focus Page 43 of 60 “It is not the physical end of life that we should be concerned about. Rather, our aim should be to experience life while we are alive.” Elizabeth Kübler- Ross The Message? We are mortal. But, fragile, emotional as well. And that’s probably why our lives are beautiful just the way they are. The memories we carry in our bones and blood, the feelings we secure in our hearts, the visuals we record in the eyes, and the chimes we hear vary with each passing day. However, there is always a sense of beauty, truth, and love that permeates from within, leading us to a fuller and more meaningful life. Being aware of death contributes to the depth of life. We choose to resonate with our inner selves and humanity’s essence. The path it will surely plant the seeds of love and light. And humanity would feel your warmth. So, life is not about the years it’s about what is there in those years. And the sense of death feeds this depth. As for how long one can live, “Do you want to live to be really old, to enjoy a grand, green, exuberant, boastful old age, and to make yourself a nuisance to your whole neighborhood with your reminiscences?” -Stephen Leacock in How to Live to Be 2006


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen References: 1. Eliezer Yudkowsky (2015) Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality. 2. Green, O.H. (1992) The emotions. Dordrecht; Boston: Kluwer. 3. Bronnie Ware (2019) The top five regrets of the dying: a life transformed by the dearly departing. Alexandria, Nsw: Hay House Australia. 4. Warren, B. (2012) ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing by Bronnie Ware’, Proceedings (Baylor University. Medical Center), 25(3), pp. 299–300. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3377309/#:~:text=1)%20%E2%8 0%9CI%20wish%20I. 5. Kübler-RossE. and Kessler, D. (2014) Life lessons: two experts on death & dying teach us about the mysteries of life & living. New York: Scribner. 6. Leacock, S. and Nemo, A. (2020) 7 best short stories by Stephen Leacock. Tacet Books.


Defog Your Focus Page 45 of 60 First Step in Developing Empathy Photo by Instant Manner on Unsplash Researcher Brené Brown says, “We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it, there is suffering.” And that puts it all there in order. However, despite being connected with others in thousand ways, the search for deepening connections is never-ending.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen We switch from one social platform to another, from one aspect of social life to another in search of a stage of social life to hold on forever. The result, however, is anything but a permanent stage. For example, a recent1 survey tells how Instagram is the worst network for mental health. If we were connected through the global, boastful world of screens, how could it happen? In the ebbs and flows of the sociality, we seek help. The help might come from empathy. The individuality of empathy, in the long run, gets you connected with all humans on equal levels. Facts and Fibs on Empathy When some naturally feel the same as some sad, melancholic soul across the room; others might go through a unique set of emotions and sentiments at that time. In other words, the other group is experiencing what they are going through at the moment. We all are, after all, unique in personalities. It’s completely unnecessary to compare the qualities of one person with the quirks of another. We all have our weak and strong points. But researchers attest that empathy doesn't require shared experiences or simultaneous feelings2 . It can be developed3 ,


Defog Your Focus Page 47 of 60 however. Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash Developing Empathy: Empathy, thus, is the need for meaning in all connections we have through life no matter how we were programmed (in part by our experiences). Melinda McGarrah Sharp in Misunderstanding Stories: Toward a Postcolonial Pastoral Theology4 writes, “Empathy, as a deeper layer of recognition, is a process of being moved by another human being and also recognizing the imprint of other human beings in one’s sense of self. It is embodied hope that other human beings are understandable. (…) Empathy as connection flows from awareness and respect for interpersonal differences.” However, for developing empathetic nerves, the first step is: being there ‘with’ the other person, ‘for’ the other person.


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen If someone is narrating a life story, for example, hundreds of thoughts might flash into the listener's mind. Some to respond, some to encourage probing questions, some to listen more actively, some still processing a past event relevant to the discussion, some processing a past event not relevant to the discussion, some processing the recent happenings in one’s own life, some as the judgments. Then there’s another way: just to listen, shuttling down all inner dialogue, and judgments and transmigrate into the person’s story, trying to be a part of it and taste the air enveloping the situation and be. The First Step? Melinda McGarrah Sharp quotes4 Margaret Kornfeld in the book “To be empathic, we must acknowledge that, initially, we don’t know the other.”—Melinda McGarrah Sharp If we unconsciously assume we understand someone's story from the start, we rob the communication of true compassion. Developing empath, of course, is not a plain journey in any way. The author William R. Miller in Listening Well: The Art of Empathic Understanding5 says, “In a way, accurate empathy is simple. It’s just getting the right understanding of what another person is thinking, feeling, experiencing, and meaning. (…) It seems simple until you try it.” However, like any other pursuit, all it takes practice and courage to face the journey head-on. One important aspect of this practice is starting with a deliberate choice to be present there. Many research studies6 have found that practicing mindfulness can boost empathy.


Defog Your Focus Page 49 of 60 Mindfulness, as I’m sure you know, is the deliberate focus on the present. This ‘deliberate’ focus might demand several practices (depending on the type of person and the situation they find themselves in), however, with intention it’s already halfway towards achieving the goal. (For more on mindfulness read this7 .) Mindfulness can be a light in a world that often feels chaotic and confusing. However, depending on the scenario we show up in, it might be the last thing on our minds. Luckily, (but not necessarily easy), all it takes is focusing and defogging focus, and defogging it as many times as we require in a particular situation. So you let go of your judgments, stay present, control your body language, and here you go … creating a brave, encouraging environment for those around you. The first step to developing empathy, therefore, is being actually (mindfully and spiritually) there where your physical self is. Above all, it is our courage to pursue change that is ultimately rewarded. As Jeff Goins has said, “We don’t fake it till we make it. We believe it till we become it.” —Jeff Goins References: 1. Royal Society for Public Health (2017) Instagram ranked worst for young people’s mental health, Rsph.org.uk. Available at: https://www.rsph.org.uk/aboutus/news/instagram-ranked-worst-for-young-people-s-mental-health.html. 2. Miller, W.R. (2018) Listening well: the art of empathic understanding. Eugene: Wipf & Stock. 3. Mcdonald, N. and Messinger, D. (2011) The Development of Empathy: How, When, and Why. Available at:


Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen https://www.overcominghateportal.org/uploads/5/4/1/5/5415260/empathy_develo pment.pdf. 4. Mcgarrah, M.A. (2013) Misunderstanding stories: toward a postcolonial pastoral theology. Eugene, Oregon: Pickwick Publications. 5. Miller, W.R. (2018) Listening well : the art of empathic understanding. Eugene: Wipf & Stock. 6. Available at: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01915/full. 7. National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health (2022) Meditation and Mindfulness: What You Need To Know, NCCIH. Available at: https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/meditation-and-mindfulness-what-you-need-toknow.


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