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Haters Hate, But Why? A New Book Explores Haters And Their Motives “Get dem haters out your circle. Smile in your face but all they wanna do is bring ya down. See them try them best to hurt you, and work you. Anything to bring you down.” —Rihanna, “Dem Haters” Wake Forest University law professor and psychologist Gregory S. Parks, a prolific writer, has penned a new book titled Haters. Parks typically writes about Black Greek Letter Organizations (BGLOs) so I was curious as to why he is now writing about haters. According to Parks, “I’m a product of the hip hop generation. For a long time, I’ve been listening to songs about people who have an irrationally high level of negative feelings towards others. As a psychologist, I’ve been fascinated by this mode of thinking, feeling, and behaving. As a human, I’ve been curious about it when on the receiving end. This confluence of factors inspired me to write this book.”
In Haters, Parks traces the development of hate as it relates to jealousy and envy, drawing from history, language, philosophy in addition to rap, celebrity culture, activism, public figures, organizations, and academia. Hate and haters are pervasive. Parks explores who haters are, what motivates them, and most importantly how to navigate them. He shares that haters do not live “benignly” with regard to the person they hate. They bully, they assassinate the character of those they envy, and they often play an active role in trying to do harm to the object of their hate, even asking others to participate in this harm. These groupies who enable greater hate are often referred to as “flying monkeys” — a term that comes from the classic film The Wizard of Oz, during which flying monkeys do the dirty work of the Wicked Witch of the West. At their core, according to Parks, haters hate due to insecurities, low self-esteem, and deep envy. They see others doing better than them, compare themselves to others, and lash out in myriad forms, including via social media, whisper campaigns, mobbing (forming a group to bully), and even physical violence. Parks notes that social media exacerbates hate as people are constantly
reminded of how they measure up to others even if what they see on social media is not a complete or accurate picture of the person they hate. Moreover, he explains that the “mask” that social media can provide — and the possible anonymity — “reinforces the emotional divide” between a person and a troll (on-line hater), making it easier for the troll to push out hate to their followers. Parks has been thinking about haters for quite a long time. In his words, “I’ve opined about haters for some years…on blogs and podcasts. The book is the culmination of that analysis. I think people who’ve read or listened to my ideas on the topic have been trying to make sense of their own experiences navigating this dynamic.” Leah Hollis, faculty member at Morgan State
Within colleges and universities, hating — and its manifestation — bullying — is particularly pervasive. According to Leah Hollis, a faculty member at Morgan State University, and the author of Human Resource Perspectives on Workplace Bullying in Higher Education, “Workplace bullying is pervasive because of the highly competitive process of ascending to leadership in higher education. While I personally champion tenure — especially given its original goal to protect the intellectual life of professors — it also creates an environment where people are hypercompetitive to get tenure.” How do you stop haters who bully? According to Parks, “Depending on how antagonistic and how impactful the behavior is: ignore, report, confront.” and Hollis added, “It takes a village [to stop haters from bullying]. Policies need to be in place stating that bullying is not accepted.” However, as Hollis explains, “A policy is not enough. [L]eaders need to model appropriate behavior and reward those with civil behaviors.... If we see that bullying is accepted ..., then the rest of the organization learns that bullying and incivility are welcomed....” Hollis stressed that bullying is more than
one person, it emerges from an environment that supports it. For those who might be wondering what the difference is between criticism and hate, according to Parks, there will be those who criticize you and might even dislike you and not amount to a hater. He points out that sometimes critics are merely doing their job and that some people have legitimate reasons for disliking you.
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How 10 High Achievers Handle Haters 1. Make criticism your fuel, not your kryptonite. It’s all about how you frame it. If someone says you aren’t smart enough, tell yourself, “I can’t wait to prove them wrong.” Negative feedback can either be the anchor you drag through the desert or the wind behind your sail. Always remember: They don’t make statues of the critics. They make statues of the dreamers, the ones who take chances. Think about it. The revolutionaries who made an impact, changed the rules, ended wars, and fought for freedom were the “crazy ones.” They had to listen to naysayers and absorb the criticism — and they let that be their fuel, not their kryptonite. —Dean Graziosi, multiple NYT-bestselling author, and one of the most-watched real estate and success trainers on TV; follow Dean on Facebook, YouTube or Instagram
2. Take it as a compliment. You’re going to inspire envy and criticism if you’re super successful at what you do. That’s just par for the course. Criticism is the best proof that you’re bound to be wildly successful. I learned early on that the more people bad mouth you, the more jealous they are. — Barbara Corcoran, founder of The Corcoran Group, podcast host of Business Unusual, and Shark on “Shark Tank” 3. Get engagement by trolling back. What someone says reflects how they feel. If someone offends me (which is hard), my first response is to ask myself, “What’s this person going through? Why do they need to say something like that to feel better?” Then get over it. The second you take negative comments personally, you’re losing. They’re just internet trolls.
But you can troll back! If a troll says something funny, I’ll throw a joke back. Usually, they have fun with it and it becomes a conversation everyone can see. Then others jump in. Suddenly you’re getting a bunch of engagement, which decreases the cost of your social media ads! —Billy Gene Shaw III, founder and CEO of Billy Gene Is Marketing and a top online marketing influencer, educator and practitioner; follow on Instagramand Facebook 4. Remember that successful people don’t need to put others down. This was a sore subject a few years ago because I was newly sober and didn’t know how to cope with hurtful and stressful situations. As I became happier and more successful, I met incredible mentors. I remember saying to my friend Rick Caruso, “I’ve known you for years but never heard you say anything negative about anyone.” He smiled and asked, “What would be the upside?”
I was stunned by his response, but it was indisputable: Happy, successful people don’t waste time saying negative things about others. Why would they? Now I empathize whenever I see negative comments about me on social media, because I know those people are suffering and in pain. —Khalil Rafati, founder of SunLife Organics, homeless drug addict turned spiritual advisor for rockstars and billionaires; follow Khalil on Instagramand read his story: I Forgot to Die 5. Kill them with kindness. Worrying or retaliating against your haters makes you bitter. It’s easy to be resentful and feel justified — but don’t. Instead, make a list of the haters you don’t like. Wish each one well by name, and practice sincerely forgiving them. Speak kindly about them to others. Go out of your way to help them. In time, this breaks down many barriers. Even if it doesn’t, the effect on you will be resounding. While some people become jealous of your success and wish you ill will, others will look to you as an inspiration. Never let haters bring you down. Be a shining light and
live large so others can see it’s possible. —Peter Hernandez, President of The Western Region at Douglas Elliman; founder and President of Teles Properties 6. Don’t react, be grateful. When you do big things, you’ll always have haters and naysayers. Knowing that is inevitable. So ask yourself, “How can I use haters to support my mission even more?” First, understand that what we feed grows, and what we starve dies. Don’t react to your haters — it only feeds them. Second, realize their words are more about something unresolved within them than you. There’s a saying in psychology, “If you spot it, you got it.” Third, be grateful. Hate, love, critique and praise are all acknowledgment. You’re no longer ignored or unseen; you’ve made it to the spotlight where the magic happens. Are you getting hate even though you’re doing good work? Good job, you’ve made it to the next level. —Jason Capital, White House top 100 entrepreneurs under 30, bestselling author, highincome coach, and founder of High Status; connect with Jason on Instagram
7. Take the opportunity to check in with yourself. Some of us are cursed with a natural desire to please everyone with our personal and professional choices. I’ve realized an important lesson: No matter what you do, people will always criticize your actions when you try to achieve success. The quicker you can embrace that, the better you’ll be. If everyone is happy with what you do, you probably aren’t stretching yourself enough, making bold decisions, or placing the big bets required to excel and reach new levels of excellence. Embrace the criticism. Uncomfortable moments are usually a sign that you’re on the right track. The next time someone criticizes your choices, ask yourself if you’re being true to your personal mission and values. If the answer is yes, smile and know that you’re doing the right thing! —Kenny Rueter, CEO and co-founder of Kajabi
8. Ask whether you can learn something. I don’t believe in “haters.” The columnist Ann Landers is often quoted as saying, “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” “Haters” often communicate out of love or a cry for help. Hurt people hurt people. When we tear others down, we reveal more of our true character than theirs. An attack on others only exposes our thought process, insecurities, suppressed emotions, and how we judge people. If feedback has any merit — regardless of whether you consider it constructive — be humble and openly consider it with gratitude and love. If the criticism is a harsh, open attack, don’t respond with another grenade. It baffles me when I see two keyboard warriors attacking one another online. Tempers flare, egos are damaged, and no one is inspired to grow. F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” The next time you’re triggered to respond, take a moment to consider a different opinion rather than immediately dismiss it. A discouraging word
could augment your thought process. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. — Tom Shieh, CEO of Crimcheck; connect with Tom on Facebook 9. Listen to criticism, but don’t give up. The best, most powerful advocates often start out as your toughest critics. Don’t ignore critics’ feedback. Listen to them and engage with them constructively. Often it’s not your overall idea or position that’s the issue but perhaps you can tweak your delivery or a particular point. Don’t give up. After I approached one of the largest PC manufacturers in the world about creating a partnership, they told me it would never work. Fast forward a few years, and we are their largest third-party partner—and the partnership is growing. Persistence, dedication and passion are key. Passion is especially important because if you aren’t excited about what you’re doing, no one else will be. Share small wins along the way and watch the momentum build! —Scott Shainman, President of Getac North America, who helped lead the company to become one of the world’s largest rugged laptop and tablet manufacturers; connect with Scott on LinkedIn and Instagram
10. Stick to your convictions. History is filled with examples of technological breakthroughs that were once met with resistance. When you begin to disrupt an industry, dissenters will gather. People are naturally skeptical of change and reluctant to accept things they don’t understand. Don’t let that sway you! As the CEO of a FinTech company solving major pain points in capital markets, I can relate. We are using blockchain technology to make growth capital more accessible. Others in banking and finance see this new technology as a threat to their legacy systems. But I see an opportunity to help others with a better solution, so I’m motivated to keep going. Thoughtful research and conviction are the root of confidence. When you know you have a better way of doing things, you can overcome all naysayers. Stay true to what you believe in — it works. Respond to dissenters with confidence. Others will get on board, and you’ll find the path to success. —Thomas Carter, founder and CEO of DealBox Inc; connect with Thomas on LinkedIn and Instagram
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5 Telltale Signs That You’re the Target of Envy 1. They step out of character when others compliment or congratulate you. Envy is such a common and universal emotion, even the angels amongst us are susceptible to it. It doesn’t help that by selling illusions of perfection, the beauty and media industries plant a degree of insecurity in all of us. The implication for recognizing envy in others is that they probably aren't known as bullies. Instead, their envy may manifest as a reaction to you that often seems totally out of character. In social settings, you’ve probably never seen them bully others, and they might even treat you cordially. However, you might also notice that a switch flips when others shower you with attention. As everyone else enthusiastically compliments or congratulates you, they suddenly appear expressionless or seem annoyed and impatient.
Heraclitus said, “Our envy lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy." Yet, for individuals susceptible to envy, triggered insecurities can make a single moment feel inescapable, so much so that they quickly lose perspective, react in fight-or-flight mode, and noticeably step out of character. 2. They’re committed to scrutinizing your work— and misunderstanding your intentions. In an effort to flip the power imbalance in their minds, a desperation to upstage their target can drive some folks susceptible to envy to justify relentless scrutiny and bullying behavior. They often seem to wait eagerly and patiently for their target’s humiliating slip-ups, especially public ones, and seize every opportunity to correct and condemn them.
Once they “catch” or “trap” their targets, a common tactic is to pathologize them. This often looks like rebuffing their target’s sincere efforts to apologize or take responsibility, as well as disproportionately attributing fault to their character or intelligence, rather than legitimate context––also known as the fundamental attribution error. The goal is to rationalizetheir target’s supposed disposability, and their own supposed superiority, by stripping their target of the complexity, contradiction, fallibility, and nuance inherent to being human. Their commitment to misunderstanding their target leaves no room for grace. And particularly in positions of authority and power, they may force their target to jump through endless hoops, setting higher and higher standards, without any intention of ever being satisfied.
3. They use ad hominem attacks and stereotypes to discredit or underestimate your intelligence, skills, and/or talent. What happens when even a destructively envious person's sharp deficit lenses can’t detect any flaws in their target’s character or work? Or, when their target seems to rise to the challenge, every time they raise the bar unfairly? They then usually begin attacking personal traits that have nothing to do with whatever they envy about their target, even resorting to bigotry. For instance, a male writer who envies a prolific feminist writer might publicly question whether she’s deserving of recognition or inclusion in the canon, on the basis that her 10 best-selling books focus exclusively on gender. Yet, there's no correlation between genre and a writer's skill. An established singer might point out that a young, popular musician lacks formal training, or doesn’t have the right “look," though they clearly don’t need either to attract acclaim.
An envious person who can’t find legitimate “flaws” in their target will detract from their target’s likability, or attempt to humble them, by wielding any criticism. That their criticism might be biased or irrelevant is beside the point. 4. They romanticize your life or assume they're more deserving of your success because you've struggled less. Those who assume your life and success have been effortless usually never get as happy for you as you’d expect, because, to begin with, they can’t see what’s notable about your accomplishments, growth, or progress. In particular, those who feel ashamed about who they are, and hate their own lives, will only ever be able to myopically scrutinize your luck or privilege, even when they themselves benefit from advantages you’ve never been afforded. The same usually holds true for people who struggle to humanize the ones they idealize. It’s usually unclear that their admiration borders on envy, until the object of their affection asserts a
boundary or opinion that challenges their romanticized projections. Suddenly, they swing to the opposite extreme. And as for your hard-earned wins, they never seem to grasp the courage, discipline, and sacrifice that went into bringing your dreams to fruition. They're prone to assuming your life path has been obstacle-free. 5. They diminish you while copying your characteristics, style, or work. An ironic trait of those susceptible to envy is that they often copy the very things they critique about their targets, as they’re always paying close attention, and are often competitive and desperate for validation. In fact, research proves that envy can increase the likelihood of correctly remembering details about an envied person, much more than for someone not envied, even to the point that envy interferes with rational cognition (Hill, DelPriore, & Vaughn, 2011).
Consequently, competitive individuals who strive to be admired or envied themselves might exhibit the paradoxical behavior of copying the habits, style, or work of targets they undermine. In an effort to rid themselves of feelings of inadequacy, without having to address underlying issues, they become preoccupied with social comparison of their own status against their target’s perceived worth. The end result is oneupmanship, which often plays out as them working hard to "keep up" with their target, and using the target they diminish in private as the same criteria for elevating their public or social image.
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Why It Doesn’t Feel Good When Someone Else Succeeds Almost everyone knows the feeling: A friend or colleague has been promoted, has had some success, now has a bigger house, or is making more money, and rather than feeling happy for them, you're depressed and angry—and part of you would really like to see them fail. you feel embarrassed about these envious feelings; you can’t admit them to your other friends, and you certainly wouldn’t tell the target of envy. We are not supposed to feel this way, you have been told. But then you have this feeling, and it eats away at you