Your Envious Mind You find yourself thinking: • They don’t deserve this. • They think they are superior to me. • They are superior to me. • I can’t stand being around them. • I hope they fail. And then you have these thoughts about yourself: • This reflects how inferior I am. • I keep falling behind. • People will look at me like I am a loser. • I could have done that. So now you think: “What kind of person am I that I don’t want someone else to succeed?” You are a normal person, because envy is everywhere. Kids playing at a game sometimes feel better if they and a friend both lose than they do if the other kid wins, and adults can feel the same way. We often have a hard time not being the winner. When we are envious, and we think of the world as a zero-sum game: If she wins, I lose. And it seems that rewards are scarce.
3 Kinds of Envy 1. Depressive envy (“I feel like a loser compared to her”). When someone you know does better than you, it often feels like you are a loser, a failure, or inferior. You think that their success reflects your failure. 2. Hostile envy (“I think she manipulated her way up”). Because the other person’s success has resulted in your feeling that you can’t stand it, you may want them to fail. You enjoy hearing about successful people getting divorced, arrested, or even having accidents. Schadenfreude is tempting, because if the other person fails — after succeeding — we feel better knowing we both have “lost.”
3. Benign envy (“That’s impressive”). This is a neutral kind of envy; you observe that someone else has succeeded, and you admire them and give them credit for what they have done. Benign envy leads us to pay attention to what the other person is doing — because we often think we can learn something. Many people experience both depressive and hostile envy. For example, one man described how he felt depressed when he thought about a colleague who got promoted. He then acknowledged that he also wished his colleague wouldn’t continue to succeed.
Whom Do We Envy? We tend to envy people with whom we compare ourselves. Your social comparison group is the group by which you measure yourself, so you might envy a colleague, a sibling, a classmate, or one of your in-laws. We envy achievements that we think are possibilities for us — but we don’t feel confident in achieving them. For example, you might not envy someone who wins the Nobel Prize, because they are out of your league, but you do envy a classmate who got promoted in your shared field. We are more likely to envy someone when we think that their advantage is not deserved, since our envy often carries with it the sense of injustice.
How Does Envy Affect Us? As mentioned earlier, envy often leads us to become depressed, anxious, and angry. And we ruminate about what has happened. Typical thoughts in our rumination are: “I can’t believe that they got promoted”; “How could this happen?”; and “I can’t get my mind off of this.” We dwell on the unfairness or our sense of futility. We avoid seeing the other person, because it reminds us that we are falling behind. We complain to other people about this — perhaps alienating them with constant complaints or, in some cases, forming alliances with other people who are equally envious. We may even give up competing altogether, because we think that it just reminds us of our sense of failure or our belief that we can’t stand the unfairness.
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A Helpful Guide to Overcoming Envy 1. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life. One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted. Count them again. You are talented. You are gifted. You are cared for. You are unique. Your life is too valuable to be lived like everyone else. You have countless reasons to be grateful for the life you have been given. Remind yourself again.
2. Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Stop comparing your life with others. It is always a losing proposition. There will always appear to be people who have it better than you. But remember, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Be reminded, nobody has it all. Each person you meet experiences problems, trials, and weaknesses–just like you. This is what makes us human. Nobody is exempt. Nobody has it all. Nobody. 3. Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. If you spend all your time with people who compare the latest fashions, you are going to start desiring the latest fashions. If you spend all your time with people who talk about their salaries, their new cars, or their extravagant vacations, you are going to naturally fall into the inevitable trap of comparing your possessions to theirs. But there are far more important things to pursue. Remove yourself from the conversation (and the relationship if necessary).
4. Spend time with grateful people.Gratitude is highly contagious–that is why I spend time reading Tammy Strobel. You can read gratitude in almost every word she writes. Find grateful people who experience contentment in their lives and spend quality time with them. You can find them online or you can find them in person. But the more you invest your time with them, the more their spirit will become yours… and soon, others will desire what you have. 5. Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame. One of the most effective tools for advertisers in our culture is to foster jealousy and envy among us. After all, if they can cause us to recklessly desire the possessions of another, they can drive us to great lengths to acquire it for ourselves. Be on guard against their tactics. Recognize them. Avoid them. And refuse to succumb to their deception.
6. Celebrate the success of others.Genuinely and practically, rejoice in the fortune of others. When somebody receives something that you desire, be happy for them. If you wanted it, they probably did too. Stop viewing life as a competition. Joy is not a finite resource. And the moment you learn to experience happiness in others’ joy is the day you take a huge step to overcoming envy once and for all. 7. Be generous. Even if you have to force yourself into it at first, make generosity an essential habit in your life. Give your time. Give your finances. Give your abilities, talents, and skills. Volunteer in your community. Support a cause that promotes social justice. And get your hands dirty. As you begin to spend more time and more energy with those who have less than you, the more you will find fulfillment and meaning. And when you do, the allure of another’s person life will quickly fade away.
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6 Ways To Stop Resenting Other People's Success 1. Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People Saying things like, “Their house is nicer than ours,” or “She’s skinnier than I am,” isn’t a healthy way to measure your self-worth. And it’s not a fair comparison. It’s like comparing apples and oranges. Everyone has unique strengths, talents and life experiences. There will always be someone better, richer, and more accomplished but you don’t need to waste your energy resenting them. The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.
2. Don’t Put-Down Other People’s Accomplishments Thinking, “He only got promoted because he kisses up to the boss,” or “She only got that award because her family is rich,” breeds feelings of resentment. You’ll never become mentally stronger by diminishing someone else’s accomplishments. Practice acceptance. Acknowledge someone else’s achievement without passing judgment. 3. Develop an Awareness of Your Stereotypes It’s easy to make assumptions about successful people. But just because someone is rich, famous, or businesssavvy doesn’t mean he used unsavory methods to get there. Be aware of the types of assumptions you make about people who are better off than you are. Focus on getting to know them as individuals before you draw sweeping generalizations.
4. Stop Emphasizing Your Weaknesses Sometimes it’s easy to focus on your weaknesses and other people’s strengths. But thinking that way will only cause you to become envious, and perhaps hopeless. Be willing to acknowledge things you could improve upon, but don’t magnify your shortcomings. Practice self-compassion and strive to do your best. 5. Quit Trying to Determine What’s Fair Sometimes, people have more luck than others. It’s a fact of life. But focusing on what’s fair or who is most deserving isn’t a productive use of your time. In fact, complaining about fairness can leave you feeling bitter. And those feelings of bitterness can become a huge stumbling block that will sabotage your efforts to reach your greatest potential.
6. Create Your Own Definition of Success Remember that just because someone else has what you want, doesn’t mean you can’t have it too. But make sure you aren’t just following in someone else’s footsteps or chasing other people’s dreams. Create your own definition of success and you’ll be less threatened by people who are striving to reach their goals. Keep your eyes on your own path. Every minute you spend thinking about other people reaching their dreams is a minute you didn’t spend working on achieving your own.